Work Header

Percy Weasley and The Prefect Job That Isn't A Vanity Role

Chapter Text

- It is a wizarding proverb that one does not truly meet their Prefect until they screw the fuck up.  Conversely, a Prefect does not truly meet their kids until they screw the fuck up.  Percy met his littlest brother Ron, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy (not his kid) on the third day of his Prefect duties, when Draco tried to bait his kids into a duel and Percy shut that down and hauled Draco back to Slytherin table.

- Percy also met Dilwyn Greengrass, Draco's Prefect, on said third day.  When he returned Draco to the Slytherins and informed Dilwyn of the incident -- as it's ancient Hogwarts procedure for the prefects to tell their heads of house about all attempts at challenges and duels, mostly so that the faculty isn't blindsided by the eruption of a long-standing feud the first day of the culprits' fourth year, so Dilwyn had to know to pass it on to Snape -- Dilwyn gave him a thousand-yard stare and said "I'll strangle that little shit."

- Dilwyn's reaction surprised Percy, ofc, but Draco had so far: demanded a private room, attempted to test all the beds to select the one "most befitting of his status", complained about Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott refusing to let him do that, refused to go to bed at lights out "like a baby", complained that his bed was itchy, complained that his bed was too cold ("Probably because you're not IN IT," Dilwyn said at this point), and said about fifty rude things about Potter.  It was the THIRD DAY.

- Dilwyn regrets everything, but mostly that the Malfoys didn't use birth control the year Draco happened.

- Percy began submitting Complaints Of Bias against Snape after his kids' first Potions class.  The CoBs will continue weekly until Percy graduates.

- Percy also submitted a CoB against McGonagall, to McGonagall, the third week of the year.  A BROOM, Professor?!  A BROOM?  He's only ever even SEEN one for all of ten minutes!

- McGonagall laughed and toasted herself for a job well done in selecting Prefects this year.

- Percy, the youngest of his year, barely a month into being fifteen, then faced off with Augusta Longbottom over Neville's wand.

- Neville is much happier with his properly-matched wand, and Augusta is much happier with her beloved son's wand up on the mantle at home where it can't be damaged by rambunctious schoolboys.


- The Troll still happened.

- Hypatia Bloom, Hermione's Prefect, basically shoved Lavender and Parvati at Percy and said Hermione was in the loo, she had to tell the professors, take these two for me please Percy.

- Percy did so, then the group turned a corner and Harry and Ron were GONE.  Harry doesn't trust authority to do a damn thing, and Ron honestly thought a troll was a reasonable Hogwarts entrance exam and has ZERO idea how dangerous they are.

- Percy all but threw the firsties into the dorm past the Fat Lady and ran for the girls' loo in hopes Harry and Ron hadn't gotten there yet.

- He arrived just in time to find Hypatia, the professors, and three shaken first-years standing over the body of a troll

- This was the point at which Percy Weasley realized he might be dealing with hellspawn on par with the twins.

- Hypatia caught him before he could head up to bed and try to pretend the world doesn't exist, and told him Hermione's story about going to fight the troll.  

"There is no way that's true.  You said it yourself, she wasn't at dinner."  

"Yes, but I'm not about to tell her no one bought it.  This is the closest she's come to making friends at all, let them think they got away with it, okay?"

- After the Quidditch game, when Neville ends up in the Infirmary after trying to take on Crabbe and Goyle in the stands, and Harry's broom tried to kill him, and Hypatia noticed Hermione sneaking out of the teachers' stands after Snape caught fire, and then all three of them plus Ron don't get back in til an hour after curfew...

- "I am going to get completely soused the minute I turn seventeen."

"Same, Weasley.  Same."

- And so the Drunken Alliance is born.

- Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all suddenly very interested in spending the majority of their spare time in the library, during November and early December. Percy’s first instinct is relief, followed immediately by intense suspicion. He asks Hypatia if she knows what they’re researching, and she does not. He asks Madam Pince what books they’re using, and there doesn’t seem to be any sort of pattern at all.

- Percy assumes, correctly, that he would not get a straight answer if asked. He doubles his checks of his kids at night--not difficult, as he hasn’t really had much time to sleep this year anyway--and lets it go. For now.

- Draco starts up with "it sure is nice to be WANTED at home" and Dilwyn drags him off by his ear.  This Will Become A Thing.

- Dilwyn also tells Draco to knock it off, or he'll write to Narcissa that Draco is using her letters and care packages to bully war orphans.

- Percy hears the sheer shock in Harry's voice at "I've got presents?" and his heart breaks, okay.

- Percy "just happens" to be up with a pot of chocolate and a book reading itself to him when Harry starts sneaking around to visit the Mirror.  Harry is very quickly going downhill under its influence, but at least Percy's trying and it does help a bit.  Harry keeps falling asleep on Percy while drinking Percy's "extra" hot chocolate and sharing his blanket in the slightly-too-cold common room.

- In January, Percy overhears Hermione’s discovery of Nicholas Flamel and the Philosopher’s Stone. He groans inwardly, calls Hypatia over, and then corners the kids with her to sit them down and have a long discussion on ethics. (He has made the logical conclusion here: that the kids are excited about eternal life and making gold.)  Hermione looks fascinated. Ron looks annoyed. Harry, of course, looks ready to bite the hands of anyone who makes a sudden movement. Hypatia and Percy exchange a look--all Prefects are trained, to a certain extent, on warning signs certain kids might exhibit--and release them.

- Harry stays back. “Was there something else, Potter?” Percy asks, encouragingly.

Harry’s look turns mulish again. “No, it’s fine.”

“I can tell,” Percy says, wryly.

“You might as well get it over with, is all,” Harry continues, as though Percy hadn’t said anything. “I know we broke the rules. Just give us detention or something and get it over with.”

- Percy blinks, and asks Harry what rules, exactly, he thinks he’s broken. Harry, surprised, actually tells him.

- Having an academic interest is not against the rules. Finding out something you aren’t supposed to know is not against the rules (being late back to the common room after curfew is, but Percy took points for that when it happened). It’s also against the rules to sneak into the restricted section without permission, so Percy does have to take points for that, and stresses that next time it won’t happen if Harry just COMES TO HIS PREFECT AND ASKS. “That’s it?” Harry asks, surprised.

“That’s it. Those are the only rules you broke. This is a school, Harry. We don’t punish people for being curious.” Harry goes away, looking thoughtful, and Percy is left with the strangest feeling that he was just given a test. He wonders if he passed.

- Prefects are trained to notice warning signs. Percy is really, really starting to be concerned what Harry will go back to, when he goes back home.

- The Dragon happens.  Percy, Hypatia, and Dilwyn are all summoned to McGonagall's office in the middle of the night to find Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Draco.  Draco is swearing there was a dragon, Neville is swearing he overheard Draco talking about it and was going to warn Harry and Hermione, and Harry and Hermione are clearly panicking and too embarrassed to say anything.  McGonagall is going completely off and Percy is like no.

- No, it's VERY clear what's going on here.

- Draco, who let's remember has a history of baiting other students, made up some ridiculous story about dragons, probably something like "there's a flock passing by at midnight and you'll be able to see them from the Astronomy Tower".  Unlike pureblood kids, Harry and Hermione bought it, and like normal eleven-year-olds, went to go see.  Neville overheard just enough to mistake what was going on and went to try and help his friends.

- REGARDLESS, all we can prove is that there are first-year students out of bed and one is telling ridiculous stories about why.  The standard for that is ten points each plus another five off Draco for lying.

- Detention is completely unreasonable, Professor, even as angry as we all are about getting dragged out of bed.

- Dilwyn hauls Draco off to Slytherin all "I know it was you, you little shit, and I'm NOT happy because I have an essay due in the morning and now I'm going to have to stay up even LATER to finish it.  No I do not care if there really was a dragon, what have I told you about dealing with problems?  You come to ME.  At a reasonable hour if it isn't an emergency.  ME.  And then *I* deal with it or kick it up the chain to the professors.  A dragon is a kick-it-up-the-chain problem and NEITHER of us should have ended up dealing with this shit in the middle of the night, and if I find out you did this again I will BOOT YOU INTO THE SUN WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE RISE TOGETHER ON THIS FINE, FINE EARLY WEDNESDAY MORNING."

- Percy feels this attitude KEENLY. He’s in nine OWL classes this year and is auditing three more, on top of being the first line of defense and responsibility for five 11-year-olds, most of whom seem quite intent on driving him to drink. Dean is his only hope for sanity, as a nice artistic kid who doesn't blow things up or get into These Situations.  If it had been Neville or Harry who had created this disaster, he probably would have strung them up by the back of their shirts and left them in the common room as a warning to all comers.

- (It is best for everyone that Percy does not find out the true responsible party for The Dragon until much later.)

- The next day, Percy and Hypatia invite Dilwyn "call me Dil" into the Drunken Alliance (this is the true DA).

- The Stone does NOT happen, because Harry has finally started to get the idea of trusting authority figures to help, so he goes to Percy with "Snape's going to steal the Stone tonight!", and Percy takes the Trio straight to McGonagall.

- With all due respect, Professor, if first-years can figure out the Stone is here, so can anybody who actually WANTS the blasted thing, and they're entirely right that with Dumbledore gone it's the best chance to try to get it.

- McGonagall summons Dumbledore back and they Deal With It, without the Trio having to risk their necks.

- Professor Quirrell dies, mostly because Voldemort never intended for the man to survive his possession anyway.  The announcement at the end of the year makes the students think that he died heroically fixing whatever was in the third-floor corridor.

- Percy thinks of his kids rushing into a situation that killed a professor, and can't eat any more of the ending feast.

P.S. -

- Hypatia has had A Job of it convincing Lavender and Parvati to look at Hermione as their nerdy sister, which you'd think would be easier since Parvati HAS a Ravenclaw sister, and also she's fighting the good fight trying to convince Hermione that going over assignment limits is rude to the professors who have to grade all the work.  She Is So Tired, Percy.

- Dil has been trying to get Crabbe and Goyle a social life that isn't Being Draco's Minions.  He isn't having much luck- this year's Ravenclaws don't have the patience, and the, like, two Hufflepuffs Crabbe and Goyle are allowed to be nice to are arrogant little pureblood snobs themselves.

Chapter Text

- The first Percy knows of the disaster that his second year as Prefect will be, it's coming downstairs for breakfast only to find a somewhat starry-eyed Harry, seething little brothers, and a FURIOUS Molly plating up food

- You did WHAT.

- Wait back up what's this about bars on his window.

- A House Elf stealing mail and declaring Terrible Things at Hogwarts.  Please Merlin let this be Draco pulling a stupid prank.  But it's summer so it's not Dil's problem, or Percy's yet for that matter, and Percy really hopes it will stay nobody's problem.

- Percy is wrong.

- Percy is shocked that someone DARED grab Harry in the bookshop right in front of him.  He steadies Ron from being knocked off his feet and zaps Lockhart's hand with a Stinging Hex to make him let go.

- "Let's NOT be grabbing people without permission, hm?  Harry, would you let the Prophet take a picture of you with Mr. Lockhart?  No one will blame you for saying no, after his appalling behavior towards you."

- Percy notices Ron and Harry don't come through the barrier at 9 3/4.  He gets Molly to Apparate him back out just in time for them to snag Ron and Harry by their shirt scruffs and keep them from going back for the car.

- They all three miss the train, but that is what the station Floo is for and Molly simply calls the school and then takes them to Hogsmeade to walk up to the castle.

- The DA is Very Worried about Lockhart.

- Percy starts submitting CoBs against Lockhart alongside his CoBs about Snape.  Stop Harassing Harry You Creep.

- Percy is Not Happy to have to deal with Snape and the Slytherin Quidditch team for double-booking the field.  No sir I understand that you need to train your new Seeker.  Literally no other team books the field during previously-booked slots for training any of their new members.  Sir do not make me escalate this to Dumbledore.

- So many CoBs.

- Younger Prefect, please, control your Colin.  He can't just shove that camera into people's faces constantly.  He's going to blind someone.

- "Signing autographs now, Potter?"

Dil like "Did you want one, Draco?"


"Then cut it out.  It's Percy's job to deal with it if Potter's fame goes to his head.  Not yours.  Go find something to do."

- "Enemies of the Heir Beware!  You're next, Mudbl--" aaaaand Draco gets hauled off by his ear, yet again.  Dil tells him off, yet again.  Dil writes to his mother, yet again.  Dear Mrs. Malfoy, I regret to inform you that your son is attempting to fuel rumors implicating himself and your family in homicidal threats, Regards, Dilwyn Greengrass.

- Percy: "Oliver Wood, you knowingly continued the game with a JINXED BLUDGER?"

Percy: "Look into my eyes and understand what I'm saying here.  I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP, OLIVER."

- Percy just barely manages to stop Lockhart from casting on Harry's broken arm.  Sweet Merlin, he hates that guy.

- Fortunately for Colin, Younger Prefect never did manage to get him to cool it with the camera.

- At Dueling Club, Percy has Harry halfway out the door before Snape finishes vanishing the snake, because this will need SO MUCH DAMAGE CONTROL and it shouldn't happen with the kid up on stage getting stared at.

- Dil has Draco off the stage and halfway out a DIFFERENT door at the same time, but HE'S yelling at Draco about throwing venomous snakes at people and did he even know what that spell did, WHAT SORT OF IDIOT THROWS VENOMOUS SNAKES AT PEOPLE ON PURPOSE, no I do NOT CARE what Snape told you, I don't care if Merlin himself came down on a silver cloud and handed you a golden command to do it you DON'T THROW SNAKES AT PEOPLE, Dear Mrs. Malfoy

- Incidentally, this is about the point where Dil develops a quirk where instead of other people's "good lord" or "dear Merlin" he says "dear Mrs. Malfoy"

- There isn't much Percy can do about the rumors that Harry's at fault.  He turns a blind eye to the twins when they make a mockery of it, since it seems to be helping Harry that they're showing how stupid the entire idea is.

- He does manage to convince Lockhart that having Harry help with fanmail at detention is inappropriate.  Detentions are not rewards, Professor.  Perhaps leave the punishments to McGonagall, you're far too noble and kind-hearted for it.

- Percy: *takes all the showers*

- Dil gets his drinking day in early December. He goes out to buy the firewhiskey himself, meets Percy and Hypatia in the Prefects bathroom, and ends up sprawled across their laps, drunkenly, complaining in a way that echoes about the room and sloshing alcohol all over the tiled floors. “Ok, hear me out,” he starts, mid-rant. “What if--I jus’, give Greg and Vince DETENTION ev’ry time I see them with Draco?”

“I think that’s an abuse of power,” Percy offers, wryly.

“It’s for their own good.”

“Still an abuse of power.”

“Damn it.” Dil takes another drink. “I could come up with legite--leg--REAL detentions?”

“You could maybe try throwing them at Luna Lovegood,” Hypatia suggests, suddenly full of inspiration. “You know she’s been bullied--”

“Oh. Oh sweet and blessed Merlin’s trousers, you’re brilliant,” Dil says, and smiles like he’s hearing actual angels chorusing on high. It’s wide enough to show his eye teeth, which are surprisingly sharp looking. Hypatia laughs, the sound echoing around the room, warm and bright.

Percy’s stomach swoops, and he’s not entirely sure at what.

- Hypatia gets back from hols only to discover Hermione's in the Hospital Wing.

*sigh* "Where'd you get the Polyjuice, hon? ....  You MADE it?!"

- Hypatia spends the next three Saturdays teaching Hermione about lab safety, lab hygiene, and how to tell the difference between different kinds of hair.  For Merlin's sake Hermione this isn't a reward.  Also I'm going to strangle Lockhart.  And Snape.  You should not be this far into second year and think a bathroom no matter how unused is an appropriate place to brew potions.  What if Myrtle had accidentally splashed water into it or doused your flame?

- Dil writes several letters strongly advising AGAINST Draco taking CoMC when Draco tries to sign up for it, because this is still the kid who doesn't get the big deal about throwing snakes around.  He is not listened to.

- Hypatia does her best to convince Hermione that No, Hon, You Can Audit Classes And Also Just Read The Material On Your Own Without A Formal Class Structure

"But everything sounds so interesting!"

"You have literally twice the lifespan of a Muggle to study everything in."

- Hermione is paralyzed.

- Harry and Ron are, understandably, distraught. Hypatia is also distraught, but she’s equally exhausted, so when she finally manages to calm down enough to stop sobbing, she drops like a rock and sleeps for an entire weekend straight.

- Percy isn’t sure what to do, beyond try to comfort everyone, and obsessively check that all his kids are where they’re supposed to be at all times. Stricter curfews are put in place. A rotating list of prefects is created to patrol the halls.

- It gets… much harder for Percy and Hypatia to spend any time at all with Dil.

- Follow the Spiders

Percy does a random bed check, which he's been doing a lot from stress, and Ron and Harry aren't there.  He panics and rouses the other prefects and half the faculty, and they search the castle in teams to no avail.

Meanwhile, "Percy can't DO anything this time!  That was the MINISTER FOR MAGIC!  We have to help Hagrid ourselves!"

Harry and Ron only escape Aragog's brood due to a last-minute rescue by the centaurs.  Firenze is reluctant to let foals return to the castle housing such a terrible beast, while Bane is all for kicking them back in with hoofprints on their asses.

Harry and Ron get caught the instant they set foot back indoors.


- Percy's obvious protective panic does wonders for Harry's sense of "people give a damn about me".

- Hypatia turns seventeen. Dil sends SEVERAL bottles of different types of alcohol with the morning post as a birthday gift, along with a promise that he’ll try to get away and meet up with them in the prefect’s bath. He doesn’t make it.

- Hypatia does kiss Percy, though, right on the lips. It’s brilliant, and everything Percy didn’t realize he’d been wanting, and not what he’d been wanting at all.

- They talk about it the next morning. It doesn’t take long for them to realize that them BOTH missing Dil whilst snogging is probably a sign of something other than great friendship.

- “Well! I’m very happy for you both, of course. Congratulations! Good. I-- excellent--”


“UGH! Boys! Fine! I’ll do it!”

Hypatia kisses Dil first. Percy, feeling weirdly shy, has to be reeled in.

- Her Body Will Lie In The Chamber Forever

"Percy, PERCY, we've figured out where the Chamber is but the teachers have all given up!"

"Like hell they will."

"We were going to get Lockhart."

"Like hell you are."  *contacts McGonagall however that might work in emergencies*  "Professor, I need the staff's best fighters, we have a lead."

- They get Snape and Flitwick, and the kids explain it's a basilisk and Harry opens the sink for them.  Percy holds on so the boys don't try to go down, and the teachers head in.  NOBODY except Harry is pleased when they reach the inner door and need a Parselmouth to open it.

- Percy reluctantly lets only Harry go.  Flitwick flatly refuses to let Harry set foot inside.

- "You--?!  WHERE'S POTTER?!"

- Flitwick and Snape keep hold of their wands because they are not panicky twelve-year-olds or idiots, summon Ginny's wand away from Tom's shade, cast a shield over her, and then it's a simple matter of chaining the basilisk to the ceiling and throwing the book at its mouth, because Tom's shade can't do shit but rant at them.

- Harry manages to talk loudly enough at the basilisk that she can hear him, explains there's no threat to the school, these are teachers and a student, the only threat was that Riddle guy both now and fifty years ago, and finds out she's starving and lost her eyelids.  Riddle told her the threat did it, but it was probably actually him.

- Plz can we help her?

- They sacrifice the next day's meat rations for the entire school, charm her a blindfold so she can't ruin her food or hurt anybody, and will get an expert in to heal her.

- They also get an art historian and a cursebreaker in, both of which are really the closest thing wizards have to archeologists, and the art historian is in paroxysms of delight at most of the Chamber and utter fury at the bigass statue of Salazar.  It's CLEARLY a grandiose cheap copy of the Founder's portrait, which itself was an Elizabethan rendition of the Founder most likely taken from a text description rather than a contemporaneous image or tomb effigy if he even had one.  Look at this, it's made of limestone, it's degrading already.  Can't be more than a century old, maybe two if the creator's preservation charms were better than their Transfiguration work.  This is good for OWL-level stuff but wouldn't pass a NEWT.

- Hypatia, Harry, all the Weasleys, and a string of detention students spend a lot of time cleaning the Chamber under the direction of the art historian.  The Weasleys all know all the cleaning charms and teach them to everybody.  The detentions become wildly popular for detentions, but only happen during Harry's spare time.

Dil: No.
Draco: But--!
Dil: No.  You'll try to get someone bitten.

- Hypatia really loves the work.  It's so nice to be fixing up something that won't break itself or do something dumb the minute your back is turned, and look how lovely all these medieval reliefs and Arithmancy circles are, Harry!

- Basil is eventually adored by the students.  Well what else would you call a basil-isk?

- Dobby happens pretty much the same way, though Harry's sock is much cleaner and Snape and Flitwick are present.  Percy is left gaping at Harry's sudden bout of successful deviousness, and Snape is APPALLED.  Even though Lucius' face was almost worth it.

P.S. -

- Fudge keeps saying he wants the basilisk removed. Dumbledore cheerfully informs the minister that if he can manage to remove her, he's welcome to do so. Good luck.

- the argument between Percy and Ginny's Prefect on the last day of the year is EPIC, both in how vehement it is and how it's Absolutely Civil And Mature because no punches or spells are thrown.  They are both entirely right in that the other should've realized there was a problem and done more to address it.  They're both feeling horribly guilty too, so there's that.

Chapter Text

- Percy gets back from a mostly lovely vacation in Egypt only to find Dil and Hypatia standing outside the Burrow with an entire crate of GinYummy (the most drinkable alcohol they can find)

- It's August 30th and he's eight days late for their DA pact, but their expressions are not "yay you're finally seventeen"

- "I haven't even walked in the DOOR" he says faintly.  Dil just hands him an already-opened bottle.

"Sirius Black broke out of Azkaban a couple of days after you left," Hypatia explains after Percy's downed half the bottle and finished coughing.  Dil explains what he knows of who Sirius Black is -- "I was six and a Greengrass, so this is only all what I remember them talking about" -- and it's entirely about Black being the Potters' best mate and betraying them to Voldemort.  No one Dil was around at six cared as much about the twelve Muggles and Pettigrew bit.

"SIRIUS BLACK?!" Molly shrieks from inside the house, over the Floo.

"Also Harry blew up his aunt like a balloon last week and ran away to Diagon," Hypatia adds.  "Dumbledore's had me checking on him daily."


"Can I at least get inside before you finish telling me the bad news?" Percy asks plaintively.

- The three of them get SO DRUNK.

- Dil goes downstairs for snacks or the restroom or something when he's half-soused.

"Hi Mrs. Weasley.  Percy's gonna be Minister for Magic.  I've decided."

"... That's... nice dear?"

- "So we've told you the bad news, what's the good news?  How was your trip?"

"It was very nice.  We got Ginny to an Egyptian Mind Healer through Bill's contacts, and the twins locked me in a pyramid for my birthday."

"They what."

"It was very restful."

"... Perce, you really need to move out of this house."

"It's seventh year.  Technically I'm only staying here one more night anyway."

"Good point."

- Percy takes Harry aside on the train and explains everything he knows about Black (which is mostly everything Dil knew about Black), because god knows what anybody's told Harry

- Harry is furious and horrified and Percy has no answers for him

- "The library keeps back issues of the Prophet, Harry, I'll help you look for his trial article and everything else we can find."

- Chamber cleaning will continue throughout the year when Harry gets upset enough he needs to do something productive to burn off the frustration.

- Harry still faints at the Dementor, but this time when Draco tries to make a mockery of it... yep, you guessed it, off by the ear.  Dil is SO DONE with this kid, could he please start growing up already.

- Dil TOLD THEM, he TOLD EVERYBODY, Draco Malfoy should NEVER have been in Care of Magical Creatures, he has HARD COPIES OF HIS PROTEST

- Hypatia storms past Percy that very first Friday night and snarls, as she does, "they GAVE A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL a TIME TURNER, I don't even--" as she disappears up the dorm staircase and straight into Hermione's room

Hypatia: All right, let's see your schedule.
Hermione: ?? *hands over the schedule McGonagall passed out*

Hypatia: No, your personal schedule.  Your plan for when you're going to do all the homework and socialize and sleep.
Hermione: My what?
Hypatia: *headdesk*

Hypatia makes Hermione add naps, and an extra meal, and double over her normal homework time so she can do the extra work and some extra leisure reading to cope with the stress and still have the usual time to spend with other people.

Hypatia: Now, you've essentially given yourself a 36-hour day.  Your sleep schedule is going to be a wreck and your health will be fragile, and chronologically you'll turn fifteen in June and be older than [current youngest fourth-year girl].  If you're lucky, your periods will be three calendar weeks apart instead of four.  If you start skipping periods, or losing weight or gaining it oddly fast, or feeling sick AT ALL, you're going to Madam Pomfrey before you damage yourself permanently.

- Dil makes Draco take off the sling after Madam Pomfrey says he's fine, but he can't stop Snape from buying Draco's sob story as an excuse to be horrible.

- Percy is going to kill Oliver and the Hufflepuff captain for agreeing to play in this weather.

- Especially after the fUCKING DEMENTORS TRY TO EAT HARRY.

- When Sirius attacks the Fat Lady's portrait at Halloween, Percy brews up a bottle of Draught of Living Death and takes to sleeping in a camp bed in front of Harry and Ron's door.

- Meanwhile, after weeks in the library, they still can't find the trial article.

- Percy starts looking through old class lists to see if there's anybody who might have been close enough to know Black after Hogwarts, or have gone to the trial.

- They confront Lupin in his office together.

- Remus: Percy... Harry.  By the time I even found out Sirius had done anything, he was in Azkaban.  I couldn't bear to go looking for his records after that.

Percy: >(

Remus: ... But you know what.  It's been twelve years.  I've had my time to grieve.  We'll go ask Dumbledore to get the trial records now, and we can find out why he did it.


Dumbledore: ... oh dear.
Dumbledore: This is very serious.
Dumbledore: We need to capture Black alive and hold his badly belated trial immediately.
Remus: ...... if we're sure about alive, and interrogating him.....
Dumbledore: Yes Remus?  You've remembered something?
Remus: .... Sirius is an Animagus.  They all were.  *shamefaced*

Bit of an argument happens, Dumbledore chiding and Remus like "literally NO ONE in this school has a dog, forgive me for thinking people would NOTICE AND SUSPECT A HUGE BLACK ONE IF IT SHOWED UP" but now that it won't spark a wave of innocent dog killings he's fine with revealing it

- At some point during the discussion, it comes out that James was a stag and Peter was a rat, but Harry thinks nothing of it until later that night or that week when Ron is yelling at Hermione about Crookshanks hassling poor Scabbers, and Harry's like "....waitaminute.  Um, Percy?  How long do rats normally live?"

Percy: -opens his mouth- -closes his mouth- ...............Merlin's hairy balls, I let that rat sleep in my BED.

Percy: *goes to break up the argument*

Percy: Ron, I've had an idea.  How about we put Scabbers in a nice safe cage for a bit to recover?  He'll feel much less stressed if Crookshanks can't reach him at all.
Percy: *Transfigures a nice strong steel cage*

Percy: I'll get McGonagall up here to check my work and make sure the cage is stable, okay?
Percy: *runs fetches McGonagall and Remus*


- They don't know what Sirius' mental state is like, though.  Is he after Peter (but how would he know?), or is he planning a protective kidnapping, or has he gone completely around the twist and believes he's Voldemort's loyal follower and is out to kill Harry, or has he mixed up Harry with James, or etc etc etc

- Percy continues to camp in front of the dorm door with his Living Death bomb.

- It works perfectly.  Shortly after hols, Sirius trips over him, Percy wakes up, and Percy breaks the entire bottle right over Black's head.

- So let's recap: so far Percy has personally captured both Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black, and then Fudge is DAFT enough to bring a "protective" Dementor into the school with him when he comes to see the capture like the big damn hero he is not.

- The Dementor tries to eat Sirius.

- Remus holds it off with his Patronus.

- Percy, who is SO FUCKING DONE WITH EVERYTHING, throws an unwrapped chocolate bar through the Dementor's head, and it screeches and flees out the window.

- He had one because it's entirely possible to feed someone under DoLD, if you have something that will melt very slowly in their mouth like chocolate.  Living Death is essentially a sleeping potion, not a paralysis potion, so you can open the mouth and the victim will swallow if you work very carefully.  They were going to spend most of the week feeding Sirius that chocolate bar before administering DoLD antidote.

- (Percy narrowly avoids getting nicknamed Mad-Eye Molly.  He is having a VERY STRESSFUL YEAR OKAY.)

- This is a complete secret after the Minister leaves, so naturally, the entire school knows about it.  Everybody gets a basket full of unwrapped candy bars and the twins set up trebuchets on the Astronomy Tower.

- The Dementors refuse to work under these conditions, Minister, we're going back to Azkaban.

- and in the inevitable fall-out the Prophet FINALLY publishes the article it's been sitting on about Pettigrew being alive and ACTUALLY POSSIBLY THE POTTERS' SECRET KEEPER AFTER ALL.  

- Rita is going absolutely nuts, this is tabloid gold.

- Sirius makes a bid for custody of Harry, but a judge says he has to wait a year and see a mind healer first

- Sirius: *hsst*

- Sirius: Okay, but as the guardian designated in James' and Lily's Wills, I want Harry out of his magic-hating aunt's house by yesterday and I'm delegating custody to Percy Weasley.

- Literally everybody, including Percy who's been applying for custody since he turned seventeen and actually owled his first attempt from Egypt: What.

- Dumbledore: But the Blood Wards--

Sirius: I'm sorry, did you say something?  I can't hear you over the sound of me being Not In Azkaban Without A Trial Mr. Supreme Mugwump.

Dumbledore: But Mr. Potter needs to be with his aunt--

Percy: Away from his aunt?  I entirely agree.  Lovely speaking with you, Professor.

- Snape still outs Remus as a werewolf, because he's salty and also not putting up with that wolf for another year and the curse hasn't worked yet.

- Buckbeak's trial went considerably better, with Dil's letters and his presence lending itself towards more moderate sentencing.  Also, he brought Draco, and by now Draco is pretty well trained in folding under Dil's gimlet eye.  Buckbeak is banned from Hogwarts and students, and Hagrid is censured and his lesson plans put under review.  A hippogriff really isn't appropriate for a first class.  Save the "interesting" animals for when you can be sure the students will listen to you, Mr. Hagrid.

- Sirius buys Buckbeak off Hagrid and promises he'll be put in a nice place on Black lands.  Buckbeak never sees the inside of the Grimmauld master bedroom, though he doesn't particularly appreciate the overgrown and rather small backyard.

- McGonagall will be sad to see Percy go.  Now Mr. Potter's shenanigans will be entirely on her plate.

Chapter Text

- Dil rented and furnished a three-bedroom flat with a lovely balcony and quirky architecture.  Harry has his very own room for the first time ever.

- Naturally, Harry spends very little of his first few nights at the flat actually IN his room. Nightmares. Anxiety. The DA expected it. After all, they’d all been trained in what to expect three years ago, and there hasn’t been any doubt that Harry fit the bill for nearly as long.

- Though that one about Voldemort as a thing in a crumbling mansion and someone casting Imperius on an elderly Muggle... that one's worrying.  Harry doesn't know about Unforgivables yet.  He couldn't have dreamed one so accurately by coincidence.

- Luckily, Dil got the largest bed he could find fully expecting to need room for Harry to crash.  Mostly because he got a low-magic flat so he could have telly.  He's not entirely sure what telly is, but Harry is from a Muggle background and Dil is assured that telly is vital.  There's one in the living room and one in both bedrooms because why not, it's entertainment and Dil loves sitting up to read in bed.  It's the same concept, right?  He's expecting All The Company for evening telly, and gets it.

- It's 1994.  There are three of the best Star Treks on the air.  Dil is In Love and the Muggles clearly are on to something here.

- Then Dil discovers Coronation Street, which is one of the longest-running and most popular British soap operas.

"If you turn it off, Harry, I'm throwing you into the Thames."

"Oh no, you're addicted."

- "I'm going to string you up by your molars if you don't finish your pumpkin juice, I slaved a whole thirty seconds over a hot Floo fetching it from the store this morning."

- "I better see a list of things that sound like fun for your birthday by tomorrow, or I'll transfigure you into a bludger and beat you straight into the north sea."

- The flat has a giant teen-party-friendly sofa in the living room, but also a smallish loveseat and summer weight blanket.  They also have a lot of mismatched mugs and two teapots, one reserved for chocolate.

- Percy gets hired by the Ministry and promptly assigned to the audit of Azkaban he wanted, but his intent of "making sure all the prisoners are supposed to be there" got shot down in favor of "figure out how to make it so no one can stage a jailbreak by shopping at Honeydukes, because if we ban chocolate the people will riot".

- He's only in International Cooperation because Crouch Sr. is VERY VERY WORRIED that Percy will find out and ruin him if he doesn't personally monitor the situation, and made a convincing argument that fixing Azkaban counts as international. After all, where will the Dementors go if they flee Britain?

- Percy spends the first month of his employ alternately seething at what he is finding and desperately trying to come up with a spin that doesn't make the Ministry look absolutely incompetent. Often out loud. While Dil and Hypatia bracket him on the sofa and hand him booze.

- MEANWHILE, Sirius has introduced Hypatia to The Black Family Wreck.

- Hypatia is delighted and horrified.

- She's going to FIX THIS PLACE SO HARD you guys.

- With a lot of strategic deployment of Dilwyn, Heir Greengrass, and Percy Weasley, pedigreed through Walburga's own cousin and two other Houses of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, to be horrified at The State The Blacks Have Fallen To and basically shame Walburga's Portrait and Kreacher into full desperate cooperation.

- Sirius: Well I like red and gold...
Hypatia: I can do you cherrywood and cream, or have Dil come over again to bemoan how you're bringing your godson to live in Hell's Bordello.

- "The World Cup?"

"Yes.  The top box, even."

".... Don't the Malfoys sit in the top box?"

"Thank you Dil, would you like an extra ticket?"

"I thought we ESCAPED all this." *takes it*

- Draco: *opens his mouth to make a comment about leprechaun gold and the Weasleys*

Dil: *LOOK*

Draco: :x

- When the DEs screw around at the World Cup, the DA grabs the kids and runs for the woods.  Draco barely got his full sentence out before Dil grabbed the kid and dragged him along in the wake of the other kids he and the rest of the DA were shepherding. Draco ended up tossed together with the rest of them, just as scared and confused, hanging together because what the hell else were they supposed to do at that point

- When the dark mark goes up, Draco’s just as scared as everyone else. When adults arrive and surround them, wands out, there’s a second where Dilwyn Greengrass and Draco Malfoy seem much more likely to be culprits than Harry Potter, no matter whose wand the elf had.

- Harry starts yelling about the injustice of this basically immediately, and is joined by Hermione half a breath later. Ron himself is utterly indignant that anyone could think they, what, JUST DIDN’T NOTICE SOMEONE CASTING THE DARK MARK RIGHT NEXT TO THEM? Between this and Hypatia’s more adult-and-therefore-somehow-more-reliable testimony and Percy’s fairly ruthless, quick detective work regarding the missing elf and the fact that she was sitting next to Harry in the top box, everything turns out alright for everyone but Winky.

- Percy takes Harry back to the Burrow long enough for Molly to see for herself they're all okay, and then they go home

- Some Idiot brought back the Triwizard Tournament

- Harry is very hopeful for a normal year because Age Line

- Percy is very hopeful because please Merlin that has to happen eventually

- Dil gets a very expensive bottle of wine because it can be used to celebrate or commiserate equally well

- Hypatia tries to rope Dil into a bet as to which it will be and is shot down. Dil knows better than to bet against Hypatia, even when he’ll enjoy the outcome either way

- Crouch Sr decides Percy is doing SUCH A WONDERFUL JOB why don't you take a night off and come see the Triwizard Selection as a reward for your hard work :D totally not so that I can slow you down

- Percy does NOT care that he isn't a contest official of any sort, he follows Harry right into the antechamber.

- Bulls right into the argument about surely Harry cheated his way in, because are we seriously going to forget the TWO GROWN ADULTS I caught just LAST YEAR sneaking into Hogwarts to target Harry?  An Age Line does not WORK when adults are targeting my kid, Headmasters!

- Mr. Crouch, unless you can find a rule specifically against it, as Harry Potter's current legal guardian I am claiming responsibility for him.  *I* will participate in the Tasks on his behalf.

- this is, in fact, a perfectly legal and supported move, added to the Goblet at a time long before the Triwizard Tournament began, when prospective combatants would attempt to submit their enemies' children to the Goblet

- Percy Weasley is the fourth Triwizard Champion

- Crouch Sr is secretly SO RELIEVED you have no idea.  Look!  A distraction!

- Dil and Hypatia take one look at Percy when he gets home and go "WHAT DID THEY DO?!"

Percy: Long story short?  The Goblet picked Harry by surprise, I rules-lawyered the lot, and now I'm the substitute fourth Triwizard Champion.

- Part of Percy's participation is that Harry remains as a backup champion and has to go do the Task if Percy gets killed or incapacitated, so poor Harry still has to participate in other stuff

- Also they tried testing his resolve.  It did not work as expected.

Judges: If you go through with this substitution, we could simply give you the lowest possible score regardless of your performance.
Percy: That is entirely fair.  My position as a fourth champion is unwanted by all concerned, and I have no wish to gain anything from it.

Judges: *surprised Pikachu face*

- Rita pulls Harry into a closet at the Weighing Of The Wands

- the door barely shuts before Percy's opening it and ever-so-politely but firmly escorting Rita out.  There's no need to hold interviews in the dark, Ms. Skeeter.  We are both very angry and upset about this entire situation, just like everyone else.  Please excuse us, we have a ceremony to complete.  Harry will not be in the photograph, please do not insist, the Black Family Lawyers are entirely too hopeful that Sirius will engage their services once more.  Thank you.

- Percy comes home from one of his "we have to keep the First Task secret from you so go research at the school" evenings and steals Dil's wine.

- "So Harry's bloody bitch of an aunt never bothered to give him The Talk."

- Hypatia drops what she was holding and turns to stare at him in horrified fascination. "Oh my sweet god?" Dil cracks up.

- Harry: T^T Percy it's terrible everything is bad and wrong and weird T^T
Percy: What's wrong?  I'll try to help.
Harry: Cedric is pretty and makes me feel all wriggly inside and it's AWFUL.
Harry: Also Draco's kinda pretty too but at least he doesn't make me feel weird, just mad like always, the jerk.

Harry: He needs to slick his hair back again, it made him look stupid.

Percy: ....... ah.

- Harry's full extent of knowledge about ANYTHING is the special gender-divided "what's happening to my body" video they show in Muggle schools to ten-year-olds, and he wasn't really paying attention very well in favor of avoiding Dudley's boredom

- "He didn't even know where babies came from, Dil.  He only hasn't been panicking about his ENTIRE BODY changing because apparently his cousin was an early bloomer and his BLASTED aunt didn't get upset when it happened to her dear Dinky-Winky-dins or whatever she calls that poor kid."

- "Oh no Dil please tell me Draco's idiocy hasn't been him pulling pigtails all this time."

".... Oh man, Perce, now that I think about it..."

First Task:

- Percy damn well knows it's bloody dragons, why else would Charlie suddenly have a huge secret mission back to Britain

- Percy knows all about the blasted things because Charlie literally has not been able to shut up about them ever since he learned how to read "Mr. Dragoo and the Floo Achoo" all by himself

- it's like the judges didn't consider Percy's record and change the task

- Living Death bomb!  Supersized.  Somehow people are surprised by this.

- Percy: *Living Death bomb!*

Literally every handler on the planet: omg why did we never think of that.

Charlie Weasley: *wipes away single tear* I'm so proud.

- There are plenty of reasons why brewing an enormous amount of a high-difficulty potion in order to chuck it at a dragon in such a way that it will inhale a sufficient amount for the potion to take effect is not an every day solution. Still, nice to know about new options.

- The twins make a killing running a betting pool on Percy.  Sure, they would've bet on Percy anyway from family and House loyalty, but it was an open secret that the task was dragons and so like.  DUH.

- By mid-year, in some weird, lopsided twist of fate, Draco Malfoy has become something of a friend to the Golden Trio

- There are just some things you can’t go through without coming out friends on the other end and the World Cup events definitely counted.

- What this means, is that Draco Malfoy doesn’t try to curse the Golden Trio in the back. He might not have anyway--he gets something distressingly like flashbacks of Dil hollering at him in the common room any time he tries to be a berk these days. He and Ron and Harry take to playing pick-up Quidditch in their off time, with Hermione studying in the stands and tossing out various homework questions in an attempt to derail the game and let one side or the other win due to distraction.

- Moody still turns Draco Malfoy into a ferret. It was never about Draco cursing someone in the back.

- He hears the semi-civil joshing each other about Quidditch, and takes the opportunity to go "I'm stopping the fight before the little shit goes fer his wand, them Malfoys, quicker on the draw than ye think"

- Draco’s turned into a ferret ON A BROOM IN THE AIR.

- Hermione stands up, summons her transfigured kind-of-friend before he can go splat, and runs, while Ron gets all up in Mad-eye's face about wtf even was that and Harry subtly blocks the path to chase

- They’re still embattled when McGonagall storms up barely ten minutes later to give a tirade of her own, Draco having been untransfigured in her office. He’s badly shaken. Who can blame him?

- Hermione writes Hypatia, outraged, and magnanimously gives Ron and Harry a whole margin each on her letter to express outrage of their own.

- Dilwyn Greengrass storms up to the Castle the next day and straight to the headmaster’s office, the full power of the Greengrass name and his very long correspondence with Narcissa Malfoy behind him. “Moody” gives Draco a full, public apology that evening at dinner, and is regretfully informed that he will not be asked back the following year.

Yule Ball:

- both Percy and Harry have to participate

- Percy takes Hypatia

- (They practice in their flat, Dil taking turns leading with Hypatia and then following with Percy and then observing them attempt to put into practice the lessons with each other, assumes an utterly RIDICULOUS accent he says his own ballroom teacher had, that gets funnier every time he says “Please recall that you happen to be the proud owner of a human skeleton instead of a cardboard cutout, Ms. Bloom,” and “Do put your back into it, Mr. Weasley,” until they’re all in a ridiculous, giggly heap in their living room, red-faced and gasping.)

- (He teaches them enough waltz that they won’t “horribly embarrass him,” and then he teaches them considerably less tango. To be fair to him, the lesson is… er, interrupted.)

- Molly somehow thinks this is him taking A Very Good And Convenient Friend, and teases him about potentially expressing interest in her

- Gosh look at the time I have to be anywhere but here right now Mum

- Harry is SO not ready to take anyone as a romantic date, and definitely not a boy in front of a press that will eat him alive

- Help Percy what do I DO

- after a very long, panicky-on-Harry's-part brainstorming session, with Percy trying to convince Harry the wizarding press won't eat him alive if he asks a boy, and the girls won't make things "weird" if he specifically asks one as a friend, Dil steps in and calls his cousin Daphne

- "What do you know about Harry Potter?" 

"Other than the tosh about him being the 'savior of the wizarding world' and your bit-on-the-side's ward?" 


"Not much. Malfoy might have a crush, I guess." 

"So nothing particularly negative?" 


"Got a date to the Yule Ball yet?" 

"No one who'd actually care if I took up another offer."

- Dil had to bite down multiple responses to that "bit on the side" comment that would've been counter-productive, one of which was a lecture on triad marriages and the statistical probability of them resulting in particularly strong magical children, and another of which was defending Percy's honor

- Daphne knows and was teasing him

- So Harry takes Daphne to the ball platonically, and since it doesn't have romantic expectations and Daphne's taking pity on her cousin, it works out rather well.

- Daphne's date was Millicent Bulstrode, who is okay with taking Ron as long as they don't have to dance much, and they manage to make friends over Quidditch and trash-talking half the Slytherin team.  Turns out Millicent would totally be a Beater if the Slytherin captain was actually looking for skill instead of intimidating musclebound boys.

- they have a lovely time until Ron's jealousy overtakes his good sense and he corners Hermione about her date.  Sigh.  Well, we all do dumb shit as teenagers, that's just what happens when hormones are rewiring your brain.

- (Crabbe and Goyle BOTH take Luna Lovegood to the Ball. Percy and Hypatia tell Dil the moment they get home. Dil doesn’t stop crowing in victory for the rest of the night.)

Second Task:

Percy: Why swim the whole way?

Percy Transfigures a boat out of a bootlace, follows Point-Me to directly above the holding site, then carefully Transfigures the water column to an open reinforced steel pipe to see what they've done.

They took his kids.

Hi Mad-Eye Molly.  Percy has never resembled his mother more. The judges will Learn Lessons today.

Now with all five kids awake -- because apparently they decided to put Harry's choice (Ron) down there with Harry, idek how does wizurd brein wurk -- Percy Transfigures a ladder or stairs for them to climb up and into his boat.

Yes this means the other champions are just kind of floating there awkwardly, poking at the steel column from outside and unaware of what's going on.

Black Lake isn't actually that deep.  It's pretty murky, because lake, and there was plenty of light at the bottom in canon.  So probably about fifty feet or so.

(You know what would've made sense?  Putting the judges down there.  You recieve points based on them witnessing their own rescue and how quickly you do it.  You don't receive points if you don't rescue your judge.  Go sit on your wands, Tournament officials.)

Third Task:

- The thing is, Percy has no real interest in winning this tournament, has in fact said this to anyone who would listen INCLUDING the press at every single available opportunity. He had an advantage in the first task because his brother is Charlie Weasley, and in the second task he excelled in part because had plenty of time to figure out the clue and plan and in part because he was FURIOUS, and there was a lot of water between him and his kids, an additional innocent child, and Cho Chang, who while not one of Percy’s ‘people’ certainly didn’t deserve to be knocked out, tied to a post underwater, and heckled by merpeople.

- The third task, on the other hand, is set up to be all about one’s personal commitment to WIN. Percy doesn’t have one of those. He’s not a Care of Magical Creatures expert, he’s not a trained duelist or a defense expert, and while he did quite well in both of those classes he’s frankly never been interested in doing more than what he needed to excel IN SCHOOL. He’s a politician, a rhetorist if you really want to get fancy sounding about it, and he’s quite happily going to spend his career behind a desk (THE desk, if Dil has his way, and he will). He hits the first obstacle that could in any way be considered a challenge for him and sends up sparks. He’s done.

- When he’s let out, it’s to a full blown search for Harry, who is missing.

- Here’s what happened:

Dumbledore, first year: I'll just send the Cloak as a mysterious unattributed gift to Harry, this will never come back to bite me.

Sirius, third year: And the Firebolt!

Crouch Jr: That Weasley brat is making everybody paranoid about the Cup, I can't reach it to enchant it anymore.

Voldemort: I have to do everything MYSELF.  *owls a Portkey to Harry for the Third Task with a note that looks vaguely like Dumbledore's handwriting*

Harry: *gets kidnapped via the contents of his own pocket*

Dumbledore and Sirius: *surprised Pikachu face*

- Harry had never actually told Percy about the Marauders’ Map, but the twins were of course at the Task and knew about it. A simple summoning spell (that unfortunately took Harry’s entire trunk with it, but details like that could be handled later) revealed he was not on the grounds, and also that Alastor Moody was in fact Barty Crouch, Jr.

- Not that Barty Jr. was on the grounds, since he was off at the graveyard for lack of Pettigrew -- Barty had Imperiused a Muggle to take care of Voldemort all year -- but they found the real Moody in the trunk in his office when they went to add him to the search parties, and he knew it was Barty

- Aurors were called. Sirius Black was called (he had a lot to say to Albus Dumbledore, as it happens. Of course, he had to get in line.) A search was started in the surrounding area, and it was quickly determined Harry wasn’t there, either.

- Harry solved the problem of finding himself by portkeying back into the center of the pandemonium, bleeding and wild-eyed and terrified out of his wits. “He’s back,” he whispers, in the sudden silence. “Voldemort.”

- The pandemonium starts up again immediately.

P.S. -

- the DA is not alcoholics.  Are not?  They don't need it to function, and alcohol metabolizes at roughly one serving per hour, dependent on body mass and composition and food accompaniment and all sorts of other factors.  A couple drinks for dramatic effect every few weeks is not going to do anything.

- Cedric won the Tournament.  The eternal fame and glory was kind of not a thing, considering Percy and Harry, but the money's nice.

Chapter Text

- Percy is harping on the theory that it doesn't matter WHO actually kidnapped Harry, clearly someone is trying to take Voldemort's place using his name and tactics

- The Aurors are all over this and the papers certainly prefer it to Fudge's EVERYTHING IS FINE HARRY IS CRAZY story, because "everything is fine" sells much fewer papers than endless speculation about what truly happened at the Task and whodunnit

- Harry is having nightmares again.  The DA is not surprised.

- They are worried that the first one was last year's same crumbling mansion and Voldemort murdering the same old man that got Imperiused, though.

- Harry fully expects the DA to drop him like he's hot the very moment Sirius gets custody and instead they end the lease on their flat and move into No. 12 with him

- Hypatia has done wonders with the place.  Walburga and Kreacher are grudgingly polite to all comers, since everyone they see is The Lord Black's Invited Guest.  Everything is scrubbed clean and shines.  The rooms and windows are still small, since that's the architectural style, but it's all clear summery colors, pale wood, white, and polished metal making the place seem light and airy.  The Black Family Tapestry is as vibrant as it was the day it was woven.  The library books have been uncursed, and the ones with dangerous contents locked away behind impervious glass doors.  Buckbeak is living in a forest grove in the expanded backyard.  The clutter has been cleaned and a few choice art objects put on display, with the rest boxed away safely in the attic and most of the cursed and Dark items cleansed.  There's a locket that refused to be fixed, so it's in a safe with several other particularly stubborn artifacts down by Kreacher's boiler closet.

- There is a large, shallow, custom-made armoire near the stairs, with Kreacher's family tree carved on it.  The Black elf heads are stored inside, where they will be safe from dust and pests and being seen by squeamish modern humans .

- Once they all move in and settle, Sirius (and Remus, who also lives there now, because “sweet Merlin, Moony, you’re paying ACTUAL MONEY to live in this hole?”) is brought up to speed on the whole Nightmare Situation.

- Occlumency is brought up as a potential solution.

- Sirius: I can't teach Occlumency, my shields are shredded.

Remus: Neither can I, the werewolf aspect is deadly even just mentally.

Dil: I could teach him the basics, but to be honest I'm no expert.

Percy: I'm lucky I HAVE shields, to be frank.

Hypatia: ...I never learned. Half-blood, I suppose.

- Dumbledore has conveniently disappeared, or is otherwise "unavailable" whenever they try to bring up the topic to him. The only other professor at Hogwarts who could reasonably teach Occlumency is Snape.

- Harry gets a bunch of books on the topic for his birthday and everyone takes turns sort of walking him through the exercises after nightmares and that's the best they can do. There’s some talk about bringing the kid to Egypt, but with everything else going on, it just seems like too much to fit in, and then there’s The Dementor and Harry’s not allowed to leave the country until his trial, anyway.

- That’s another thing. Since Harry isn't a prisoner inside No. 12, the dementor attack still happens. Harry is still “expelled for use of underage magic” and then suspended pending trial instead. Neither of these things had anything to do with Harry being actually guilty.

- His defense will rest not just on the use of magic to defend himself, here, but on the fact that he didn’t actually use magic at all. One of his guardians is Percy Weasley. He chucked a bar of Honeydukes’ Finest at the damn thing.

- The new prefects are Dean and Parvati, and everybody except Hermione's parents are fine with this.  (Hermione's parents aren't quite accepting Hermione's explanation that it's not an academic/good behavior reward, it's a three-year babysitting job.)

- Meanwhile, Percy has been returned to his job auditing Azkaban, mostly because he's too high-profile and visible a hero to fire but he sure as hell isn't in Fudge's camp.

- Once again, the job has been railroaded into "figure out how to put your chocolate genie back in the bottle because we can't ban it".

- Somehow, there never seems to be enough time in the day to actually get to the prisoner case files that change every morning.

- Fudge is using Percy's job to claim that every prisoner's case has been fully vetted and there are absolutely no administrative errors, including those who happen to be his political enemies and average schmucks you'd never think had anything to do with that crime vaguely in their vicinity.

- "Either I'll later be able to blackmail him into toeing the party line, or hang him out to dry in the court of public opinion," Fudge thinks.

- Percy eventually makes friends with the security guards and convinces them that if anybody coughFudgecough asks, he arrives around 8 or 8:30 in the morning every day.

- He is actually working 16-hour days and getting there at 3 am so he actually CAN review the case files that get switched out around 7 am.

- Dil and Hypatia are Not Happy with this arrangement, since he pretty much gets home at 5 and goes straight to bed, and he's living on shower spells and bag lunches they send with him, but this IS important, so.

- The blatant incompetence and corruption is staggering.

- He's working with Amelia Bones to try to get the actual innocents off Azkaban and somewhere safe.  There aren't a lot of options.

- Fudge: Since you haven't been able to find a Defense professor, Albus, the Ministry will be sending Madam Umbridge.

Dumbledore: I see.  That's very generous of you, Minister, however I hired, uh, Sirius Black just this morning.

Sirius: You what?

- "If you'd given me a choice I would've considered thanking you, Albus.  A Hogwarts job is one of the only excuses the Wizengamot will take for not sitting the Black Seat.  Horrible job that.  Been dreading it since I was a kid.  As it stands, I'm expected the week before term ends to formally be sworn in, and I'm further expected to show up after summer recess a week before next year starts. SO! I'm fucked."

- The DADA curse accepts this offering as sufficient

- Fudge eventually gets Umbridge in as High Inquisitor, but she doesn't have nearly the reign of terror she did in canon

- It's a fight for her to argue she has the right to set and monitor detentions

- None of Dil's kids nor half the Slytherin girls are willing to join her little thug gang

- Sirius is, of course, teaching properly, with none of this read-Slinkhard no-spellcasting Ministry-only jingoism.  The students love him, he's like if Remus got a rich wardrobe and a sugar high.

- Sirius: Ah, my seventh-years.  Welcome to Partytown.
*he promptly disappears and kicks off an attack of pranks and spells raining down on the kids*

Literally entire class: *yearmates with and include the Weasley twins, so are not taken nearly as badly off-guard as they would be otherwise*

- Seventh year DADA is half lecture and half "WELCOME TO HELL, HOW LONG CAN YOU LAST?" and he doesn't ever tell you in advance which one it is, and sometimes it switches halfway through

- He calls in Remus occasionally to help destroy his 7th years, and ofc he never tells them he's done it

- Never conclude there aren't reinforcements!

- Umbridge probably does eventually get a decree passed so she can set detentions, and another passed so she can "supervise" teachers to determine if they're "up to standard"

- She gets all of one detention with Harry and Sirius comes down on her like a sack of bricks

- There is pandemonium. She's being sued, Hogwarts is being sued, the Ministry is being sued-- (he eventually drops his suit against Hogwarts, he mostly filed that one to make a point and to allow Hogwarts to also counter-sue the other parties)

- The Black Family Lawyers are wibbling with delight.  Christmas has come at last.

- (There is no Dumbledore’s Army. It isn’t needed. And besides, “DA” is taken).

- Percy eventually loses his patience and temper with the Azkaban fiasco, and goes straight to the press about how he's been getting railroaded in his job and hasn't actually been able to DO what Fudge has been saying for the last year and a half.  And with Fudge's stonewalling, they haven't been able to put the prisoners in safer facilities or anything.

- Voldemort breaks all his people out of Azkaban like a week later.

- Percy stares into the proverbial camera like he's on The Office

- Fudge tries to get Percy on trial for revealing state secrets or inciting the jailbreak or something

- It is not my job to make Azkaban secure.  My job is to inform you it isn't, which I DID, repeatedly.  I have all the reports in triplicate.  And to review cases for anomalies such as a lack of trial, which I ALSO have been filing reports about in triplicate.

- It is also not a secret, state or otherwise, that Dementors can be defeated by throwing candy at them.  Everyone enrolled at Hogwarts during the 1994 Spring Term is aware of it, plus the faculty, plus the readership of the Daily Prophet at that time.

- Please point to any sentence where I incited the jailbreak.  You all have copies of the article.  I'll wait.

- Things That Do Not Work: going up against Percy Weasley with bureaucracy

- Nagini and Arthur goes pretty much exactly the same

- Percy goes to the hospital with Harry and the Weasley family welcomes him, because there hasn't been anything putting them at odds with each other

- With everyone's time taken up by the lawsuits, Harry's finally almost having a normal year.

- He even has time to go down to the Chamber a lot just to relax, hang out with Basil, read his Occlumency books and try to make sense of them...

- so Basil decides he might be interested in The Repository

- and the Founders' true portraits, though they're little more than ink illuminations on small parchments that don't look photorealistic at all, because that wasn't the style then

- The Chamber was always meant to be a refuge of last resort for the school in case of attack.  But the school isn't just the students.  You need the knowledge too.

- The Repository is a copy of every book that ever entered the Hogwarts library or faculty quarters

- .... in the original language, without translations, because translations are never 100% perfect and the lost nuance might be vital to the entire thing

- but hey, at least one of the Founders' portraits will be able to teach Occlumency!

- ... through Salazar translating between Rowena and Harry, and Rowena insisting that she can't test his shielding properly until he learns one of half a dozen languages from 10th-century Britain.

- It's still better than books and wild guesses, or Merlin forbid SNAPE

- (Also through Salazar translating, Godric talks Harry into sneaking him upstairs to take a look at what is currently considered to be the portraits of the Founders of Hogwarts. He takes one look at them and starts laughing, doesn’t stop until they get back downstairs, and then insists that Harry do the same for the rest of them)

- "...why do my fingers look like that?"

"did they think I could PHYSICALLY transform into a snake?"

Harry: "was that... accurate? Otherwise?" 

Salazar: "Absolutely not. I'm not the youngest of us, certainly, but I'm also not older by nearly a decade, they managed to get every single one of my features wrong except my eye color, and I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit. But that I expected, considering what the others have said of their own portraits. I'm much more concerned about the obvious INACCURACIES as to my skill set this implies.  I was never a Metamorphagus!  What else did they get wrong, if they mistook something so basic?"

"I'm going to really be surprised by what you tell us about the Founding when we have time, aren't I."

- "Now I kinda regret not taking Ancient Runes."

"Hermione will tell you she told you so if she ever stops drooling at the books."

"Thanks Ron, that's really helpful."

- In about April, Harry mentions he's going to have his session with McGonagall about what he wants to do after Hogwarts, and the DA asks him what he wants to do. “Oh I reckon I want to be an auror," he says, and Hypatia responds " you want to be an auror because you think you should and you'd be good at it, or because it's something you really can see yourself enjoying for the rest of your life?"

- Her parents somewhat misremembered the historical Hypatia's career and expected their Hypatia to become a Healer, not a building restorationist and architect.  She's faced this question for herself.

- Huh.  Things Harry has never thought about.

- When Voldemort sends his DoM vision at the end of the year, it isn't Sirius he's got captive.  It's Percy.

- Voldemort has no concept of "calling to check on loved ones".

- Kreacher is also not entirely a hateful little ass, but that isn't relevant this time.


"Harry?  Yes he is, he's sleeping, what...?"


"Yes, I'm sure.  But I can go wake him up for you.  Stay right there."

- The DEs are shocked when, instead of Harry Potter and possibly a little cohort of schoolchildren, the Hall of Prophecy gets swarmed by Aurors

- the battle does get up to the Ministry lobby atrium place, where

1 somehow the walls are lined with hidden reporters, and

2 Tonks decides to try shifting to look like Harry Potter

Bellatrix: AHA!  *summons her Lord!*

Voldemort: HARRY POTTER! D<

Tonks: *shifts back* Oh my god you actually fell for that?

- It's a highly-publicized rout that Voldemort barely escapes with a handful of his worst DEs.  NO one thinks it wasn't Voldemort by lunchtime the next day.

- "Percy Weasley!  Percy, you've been saying all year that this wasn't You-Know-Who, care to make a comment in light of tonight's events?"

"Ms. Skeeter, that's a bit of an oversimplification of what I've been saying.  All we had evidence for before this point is that someone was using You-Know-Who's name and tactics, and had interfered with the Triwizard Tournament and kidnapped my ward of the time.  Now we know that this someone using the name is, in fact, You-Know-Who.  I'm sure we all wish it were otherwise.  Please excuse me, I have duties to attend to."

- We Hate The Prophecy and Dumbledore has no reason to share it.  Why was Voldemort trying to lure Harry to the DoM all year?  Does it matter?  He didn't have to wait all year to kidnap Harry to the graveyard either, he could've just grabbed Harry at literally any time the rest of the year with a portkey and had Riddle Sr's bone in a shoebox.

- Percy gives no more thought to Voldemort's choice of the Hall of Prophecy for this showdown other than "in the Ministry where I'd plausibly be, melodramatic, fairly assured of privacy"

Chapter Text

- If nothing else, the DoM Incident convinces Percy that it’s well past time for Harry to go see the mind healers that helped Ginny over the summer after her first year

- the DA kidnap Harry off to Egypt as soon as they’ve finished dropping off his stuff and repacking for the summer

- Egyptian Mind Healers are the best in the world and also are trained with the ancient Egyptian concept of a multipart soul

- they pluck the Horcrux right out of Harry's head

- what the fuck is going on in England, this is the second soul shard we've heard of through the SAME FAMILY in THREE YEARS FLAT.  (Before third to before sixth = 3)

- ok we're going to give you a quick crash course in What To Expect When You're Horcrux Hunting

- This is the year that Bill meets Fleur.

- Bill took them to Egypt in the first place, because the Healer is his contact, and brought them back and like the first thing he sees is Fleur telling a handsy goblin to go to Hell.

Bill: .... oh my god.

Percy: What are you looking at?  ... No.  Bill.  Stop that, you've been trained against Veela allure.  BILL.

Bill: She's amazing.

Percy: She's EIGHTEEN.

Bill: She just told a goblin where his entire lineage can stick it in perfect Gobbledygook.

Percy: ... That's great Bill, stop staring.

Bill: I think I'm in love.

Percy: NO.

- Fleur is younger than Percy.  Percy considers that a Problem, given Bill's always been this much older figure to him.  (Bill's twenty-six right now.  Half his age + 7 is 20.)

- This is also the year that Molly finds out that Percy’s roommates are not just his “very good friends from school,” and have not been for the ENTIRETY of the time they have lived together and a full year and a half before that, besides.

- These two things are not unrelated. What good is a brother if you can’t use him as a shield against your mum raging at your love life?

- “You lied to me! You told me Hypatia was sleeping in the study!”

“I did not, I said that was her bed, and it is! She brought it with her!”

“Don’t play that game with me, Percival Weasley, you PURPOSELY phrased it to imply she was sleeping in there and that you and Dilwyn Greengrass were sharing a bed PLATONICALLY!”

“I never used the word platonically, you assumed!”


- For the record, this right here is why Percy hadn’t told her. Hypatia’s parents have known since they first moved into their own flat, and Dil’s family knew even before that (Hogwarts is full of pureblood informants)

- Molly bought the "platonically" implication partly because the twins could share a twin-size bed until they were about eight, and then she simply expanded the bed at night until they left for Hogwarts.  The twins still sometimes expect to wake up by falling out of a suddenly-too-small bed if they sleep late.

- (Bill might regret dropping the bomb, considering Percy stops talking to him except to make snide remarks about cradle robbing for a year, and he’s pretty sure Hypatia is plotting to murder him in his sleep, and Dil keeps smiling at him in a way that reminds Bill that he’s the GREENGRASS HEIR, but if he does he will never admit it)

- This is also the year that Remus and Tonks make friends.  FRIENDS.  Not dating yet.

- "Little cous', Moony's still getting his head around the concept of having regular meals.  Aim for friends first."

- It's soon a common sight to find them discussing high-level defense theory vigorously over tea.  Not a euphemism.

- Also it turns out that once you shake a bit of the dust loose, Remus has a very similar sense of humor to Tonks.

- Exactly nothing changes with Dumbledore grabbing the ring like a dumbass, Narcissa getting Snape to do the Vow, and Dumbledore needing Snape to kill him and assigning him the DADA job.

- However, Harry isn't in the country when Dumbledore goes to get Slughorn.

- Dumbledore fails to get Slughorn

- Harry doesn't try to spy on the Slytherin compartment on the train, and Draco doesn't body-bind him and leave him in the luggage rack

- Sure Draco's acting weird, but Harry can just ASK him what's up and they'll rag on each other a bit


Harry: *surprised Pikachu face*

- Dumbledore: And our new Potions Professor, Dilwyn Greengrass!


- Dilwyn's career aspirations have always been "rich enough to get anything I want", which, he's Heir Greengrass, he was born with that

- He jokes that he aspires to be Minister Weasley's kept man

- Seriously, though, he got an O on his Potions NEWT, mostly because fear of Snape made him actually bother to study for it, and A's and EE's on the rest because he's actually pretty smart

- So now he's the Potions Professor because why the heck not

- Dumbledore: Well, since Slughorn's gone into hiding, we'll never find out how many relics Voldemort used like his diary.  Woe and alas.
Percy: The Egyptian Healers said there'd be seven total, plus his name and the semi-physical wraith that's now a full body.
Dumbledore: The who said what now.

- this is why Friendship is Magic, Dumbledore.   Other people know stuff you don't!

- Founders' relics, you think?  How convenient we have an entire Repository to research those in, and portraits to ask about their own dang possessions.

- Dumbledore still tries showing Harry memories about tracing the relics, but.  Well.  They've gotten the diary, ring, and Harry himself, they know about the snake, so it's really just the locket, cup, and diadem.  There aren't any memories about the diadem.

- Dumbledore could have shown Harry The Tragic Past Of Evil Tommy Riddle, but he's already scoured the former orphanage building and is searching what he can find of their very few field trips, so he doesn't.

- So it's really just tracing the locket and cup.

- "Hey, that thing looks like the one in the Grimmauld safe."

"... Are you sure, Harry?"

"Mostly?  I remember it because it was pretty grotty even for Grimmauld stuff, and we were all kind of confused about why it was an S instead of a B."

(Ron: Because Slytherin, duh.

Hermione: But then it would be silver, not amber.)

- so it's really just tracing the cup.

- Does the most recent goblin treaty include clauses about searching for stolen property or illegal artifacts? Given Lucius Malfoy has a secret home cache of that stuff, maybe it does!

- The expired love potion thing happens.  The poisoned wine does not, because Draco wasn't about to implicate Dil in a murder.

- Dil laughs his ass off while he works on curing Ron.

- Ron's like "well if I hadn't been an idiot and eaten them myself, I'd have at least been as quick to figure out the love potion bit." 

"How do you reckon?" 

"Harry, you're bent as a bottle of chips."

- He really is.  He cringes every time a girl is Very Eligible~ at him, and in canon had like zero reaction to Fleur hugging him in her bathing suit after the Second Task.

- Dil also probably does a quick ethics lecture against love potions for all his classes the next time they're in session.

- Sectumsempra also doesn’t happen, for two reasons. The first, of course, is that Harry does not take potions, so he doesn’t need a potions text, so he doesn’t get the textbook of the Half-blood Prince. The second is that the loo fight doesn’t devolve into wands so much as a lot of screamed words neither party means and hurt feelings that last for weeks and weeks.

- So, Draco Malfoy, ARE you ever going to start growing up?

- Draco goes to Dil halfway through sixth year like "help, I fucked up. Again."

"What did you do and how much booze will I need to deal with it?"

"I agreed to help Death Eaters get into the castle and to kill the headmaster?"
"Merlin's teats, you brat, you are the cause of EVERY SINGLE ONE of my gray hairs."

- Dil: Katie Bell?
Draco: ..... >>
Dil: Oh DRACO.
He cannot even bitch.  This is serious.

- Draco has never truly DISAPPOINTED Dil before. Amused him, exasperated him, frustrated him, angered him, yeah. But never disappointed him. Except this time, he kind of has.

- Dil gets the Vanishing Cabinet out of the Room of Requirement, and with Percy's help gets it secretly taken to the DoM and set up facing the Death Veil.  Step out and right through.

Draco: But what if my mum has to come through?

Dil: *incoherent noise of frustration*

Dil: .... I'll write your mum and tell her to see me in my office at the time they're due to come through.  He should let her come, since he wants her here anyway.

"But what if he doesn't?" 

"...Draco, you haven't exactly given me a lot to work with here. They're threatening people I love, too."

- And nobody would think anything of it.  Dil's been writing to Narcissa about her problem child since first year.

- Yes this plan is probably hella illegal, but the Ministry has had its chances for proper trials and proper confinement and not being bribed and corrupt af, and they blew every last bit of it.  We have students to protect here, Perce.

- Screaming fight about it in Grimmauld, but Kreacher doesn't give up the nasty masters' secrets, oh no, Kreacher is a good elf...

- plus it WON'T be all of them. It'll probably just be the REALLY TERRIBLE ONES. All eager.  At the front.  

- Bye Bellatrix.  Maybe now Neville will be able to sleep well at night.

- On Inferi Island:

Dumbledore is like "i must drink it, it is the only way" and Harry goes "...I mean, are we sure about that? Should we... try other options? Maybe? Like... I don't know, I usually try to play to my skillsets. What did you teach, Professor?"

Dumbledore: ... *sheepishly tries turning the basin into a pasta strainer*

Dumbledore: *when that doesn't work, turns a Knut into a dog and has the poor thing drink the potion*

Harry: D:

Dumbledore: I know, Harry, but it's not truly alive and will not suffer.

- Dumbledore is in fact telling the truth here.  There's a difference between non-living animate things and living things when you get advanced enough in Transfiguration, and he was hoping that Voldemort never truly understood that distinction.  So he tried creating a construct first and it worked.

- and then it’s a fake version of the locket, so the question becomes HOW DID IT GET TO GRIMMAULD PLACE?

- Dumbledore dies. Snape just kills him flat out. He’d been asked, after all.  And there's the problem of the stupid Unbreakable Vow.  Draco can't do it, so Snape has to by magical fiat.

- He does the deed and runs. No witnesses. He doesn’t even leave a note explaining, because Snape and Dumbledore are both very smart men who happen to also be IDIOTS.

- Draco is nowhere nearby. He’s in Dil’s office, crying and hugging his mother, who is also crying. Nobody blames either of them.

- Sirius confirms it was his brother who took the locket the moment he gets a chance to see the note. The handwriting’s distinctive, and Regulus got into the habit of signing things R.A.B. when he was nine .

(Bb!Sirius: Rabbit!

Bb!Regulus: Shut UP dogbreath.)

- (Regulus’s was one of the rooms Hypatia was not allowed to touch. Sirius goes in there and comes out hours later, eyes red and face wet. Nobody comments.)

- Turns out it doesn't matter what the goblin treaty was, because the heirs to Bellatrix's stuff are Andromeda and Narcissa, and Narcissa is getting tf out after the Cabinet trap.  Voldie will decide she and Draco are traitors for it, so. They’re down to trying to find the diadem, and dealing with the cup and snake.

Chapter Text

- We never did find out how Voldemort took over the Ministry in canon, so, eh, it happens here too

- they do not find out during Bill's wedding, because there ISN'T one.  Bill and Fleur are deeply and truly in love, yes, but enough so that they can stand a long engagement.  It's not like wizarding morals are Muggle morals c. 1940.  They can live together and even have children without having to be married, and there's no war front hundreds of miles away taking one away so they might only have One Night Together.

- Percy submits his resignation, effective immediately, due to Inescapable Circumstances, those being that he will likely get killed if he sets foot in the building

- Hogwarts has a nearly full complement of faculty, so after some VERY fast hiring and activating some of the castle defenses, Hypatia is the new DADA professor and McGonagall and Percy are flipping for Headmaster (Percy’s a politician, after all, and McGonagall is the deputy. Either technically could do it, at least for a year).

- Loser gets the office, because McGonagall sure as heck doesn't want it.

- Percy loses the coin toss.

- (There’s another fight the moment Percy finds out McGonagall had hired Hypatia before dumping the office of Headmaster onto him. There’s a curse on that position. This is a war. Hypatia could DIE.)

- (Hypatia tells him exactly where he can shove that argument. She doesn’t want the job for more than a year, and if Voldemort’s still alive in eight months with only two horcruxes at large, they have done something very wrong.)

- (Dil, who is already the potions professor and would rather both his lovers be with him in a besieged castle than not, stays out of it.)

- all the Muggleborns for the year are directed to not take the train, and to Floo through Grimmauld Place with the Trio.

- Percy would flat out murder Harry and Ron if they tried to skip 7th year, so there's no camping trip from hell.

- There's almost certainly a Horcrux in Hogwarts anyway.  There just aren't that many places that were important to Voldemort.

- Percy puts the castle into siege lockdown mode as soon as the last student's in and before they start the Sorting.

- Over the summer, someone got the bright idea that if Voldemort knew about the Room of Requirement as a kid, maybe he hid a Horcrux there.

- Dil finds the diadem in about a month.

- Narcissa arrives with the Cup a week later, grim-faced and determined to see this done and her child safe.

- So now it's just a matter of accepting mysterious spy reports and sending back missives of "kill the damn snake and poison Voldemort please, we really don't care what he's up to if it's not dropping a nuke on Hogwarts."

- they really don't care, at least not in terms of "this is something we have responsibility to handle".  Their job is keeping the school safe.  His attacks elsewhere are for other citizens to handle.  They cannot afford to go haring off trying to put out every fire.

- If they can, they pass it onto Kingsley and the resistance. They can’t every time. That has to be enough.

- Mystery Spy keeps refusing to do as he's told, because it's Snape.  He thinks they know who he is, and that this is an obvious ploy to get him killed rather brutally and painfully in revenge for Dumbledore.  Killing the snake won't do anything but enrage Voldemort, and poisoning him doesn't WORK, Snape's SEEN poison fail before.

- I recognize that the children have made a decision, but given that it's a stupid ass decision, I have elected to ignore it.

- the reports go along the lines of "he's looking for X, he's gotten Y, he refuses to believe Potter's at Hogwarts because nobody is that stupid."

- (“Hear me out,” Dil says, after the fifth missive like this. “What if we take a picture of Harry in the Great Hall? He’ll probably do it if he gets to flip the Dark Lord off.”)

- the Prophet runs a special edition of heartwarming, reassuring pictures from Hogwarts for all the parents in their readership.  Oh look it's Harry Potter in a pickup game of Quidditch in the Great Hall.  They've had to censor his hand, though, he's clearly reacting impolitely to an opponent's play.

- Harry is kind of actually finally having a calm, normal year!  Under siege conditions, but still.  He has the time to just kick back and relax,     hang out with Basil, start learning properly from the Founders...

- You know, history is actually really interesting when it's about the lives of people instead of the dates of paperwork and an endless list of goblin wars.

- Sometimes he just walks around the castle and talks to the portraits, and asks questions about whose statue is this and what did they do to earn one?  What's that thing in your portrait and how does it work?  What did you do for a living? Where are you from? Did you have a family?

- turns out portraits are more useful than ghosts for history.  Ghosts are a bit too focused on their death and afterlife.

- (“Hey Percy, can I retake my history OWL? I only got a T because Vol--You-Know-Who broke into my head and dropped a vision in it right in the middle, you know, and I think I want to take the NEWT.”

“...Ask me again after we deal with the Dark Lord, Harry.”)

- Harry is also enjoying some occasional eye candy, though probably not really going much further than that.  Neville's been getting rather fit lately.  And Draco's been since 4th year.  But you know.  It's nice to be in a low-stress enough situation that he can enjoy eye candy.

- Voldemort finally buys it and arrives!

- but with the castle in siege mode, about the only thing that can get in is Nagini.  Everybody/thing else is just kind of fruitlessly ruining the lawn outside the walls.

- Neville: *CHOP*

Dil: *facepalm* After all this time and effort spent trying to NOT have a seventeen-year-old have to do it...

- Ginny: Hey, Harry, can we get Basil and go get some revenge for my first year?

Harry: Yeah, that's a great idea if Basil's okay with it.


- a giant death snake bursts onto the grounds with Harry and Ginny riding her back, Petrifying entire swathes of Voldemort's army in a glance and hissing all sorts of things Harry won't translate later


Ginny: And THIS is for Basil's eyelids, and THIS is for my diary, and THIS is for all those poor chickens...

- Fenrir goes squish

- That isn’t quite the end. There’s still the Ministry to retake, and the final Voldemort supporters to weed out, and the dead to catalogue and bury, and so many other things.

- For Hogwarts, though, it’s over.

- Thank fuck.

- (“, History OWL?”

*sigh* “I’ll make a call.”)

- The DA’s kids all graduate that year. The DA turns in their resignations--including Percy--the day after graduation, and take the train home with them one final time.

- Omake:

Voldemort: *doesn't even blink when Basil comes boiling out with defense aforethought, because he is INVINCIBLE, he is the GREAT LORD VOLDEMORT, he--*

Basil: *Petrifies his noseless ass in .02 seconds flat*

Basil: FORE!

Basil: *golfs Voldemort's head off his body and into the lake*

Chapter Text

- Harry takes a couple years off and has the first vacation of his life.  There is boy snogging, and travel, and learning whatever he wants instead of what he's assigned or is going to save his neck, and then he goes to wizarding college and gets the equivalent of a Ph.D in history.

- Harry becomes the new History Professor at Hogwarts, and his classes are a hit.  He takes the early years rambling all over the castle, learning about the portraits and statues and people, with special emphasis on you're living history as it's made, every day.  History is people.

- Older years get field trips to sites of historic significance. These include Muggle locations, because it's the same world and many of the sites were of equal importance in the pre-Statute era, like Stonehenge.  Stonehenge also gets older wizard-raised kids an introduction to film and Muggle science, because Harry finds and shows documentaries about what the Muggles keep discovering about Stonehenge.  Some of it is stuff the wizards knew.  Some of it isn't.

- Another field trip is to the site that was once Tom Riddle’s orphanage. It is now part of a shopping street with restaurants, and Harry always buys lunch.

- He asks the kids what the lesson is supposed to be, and lets them talk when they get back.  The discussion is always lively and memorable, and different every year.

- (The lesson is this: nothing is set in stone.)


- Percy politely requests his job back.  The Ministry sheepishly gives it to him.  Percy then politely requests that it actually be what it was supposed to be, auditing prisoner cases.  The Ministry even more sheepishly does so.

- He rises through the ranks quickly, taking on more and more administrative justice as he goes, and becomes the youngest Minister of Magic ever, sometime around age 30.


- Dil returns to his kept-man lifestyle.  He's missed two years of Coronation Street.  It is truly a tragedy.

- ok and also helps Percy reach Minister, as his society gentleman of leisure


- Hypatia puts out an ad in the paper with before and after shots of Grimmauld Place, and is flooded with potential clients. Her first is Narcissa Malfoy. Malfoy Manor has the opposite problem to Grimmauld: It’s beautiful and ornate and feels like a mausoleum. She’s SO PLEASED.


- Sirius is horrified to discover he's actually good at this Wizengamot stuff.  He's stuck as Lord Black and does pretty well in cutting a lot of the bullshit out of proceedings.


- Snape is arrested and tried for the murder of Albus Dumbledore.  He gets off, barely, due to it being an assisted suicide and also done by magical geas.  He never returns to Hogwarts, pretty much disappears from the public eye, and lives out what remains of his life wallowing in his bitterness.  


- Hypatia walks in one day in their mid-twenties and announces it's probably time to book a wedding venue, and no Molly cannot have it at the Burrow, she's had half her children married off there already and Charlie doesn't count because he's aroace.

Dil: My parents would probably disown me if we didn't have it on Greengrass lands anyway.

Harry, fresh off his vacation, walks in, finds them arguing colors and seasons with about twenty-five wedding catalogs floating around their heads and open on the table, turns and walks back out.

- (He’s forced to be in the wedding party anyway. He pretends to mind a lot more than he does.)


- Remus and Tonks get married. So do Bill and Fleur. Nobody is surprised about either of these events.

- Ron and Hermione also get married. People are slightly more surprised, and then are offended when Harry scoffs and tells them they weren’t paying attention.


- Shortly after Percy becomes Minister, Hypatia walks into the kitchen one morning with a smile on her face and her hand hovering near her stomach.  "Guys?  We're going to be Prefects again."

P.S. -

- Minister Weasley visits Diagon Alley and greets all the incoming Muggleborns' parents every year, welcoming the children to the society and trying to make the transition as smooth and unalienating as possible

- Harry: Percy?  Do you have a minute?

Percy: Always, Harry.  What's up?

Harry: There's.  Ah.  There's a Dursley on the incoming Muggleborn list.

Percy: . . . I see.  I'll keep an eye out on my visit, and keep you updated?

Harry: Thanks, Perce.  I'm really hoping I'm wrong.  But I guess at least there WAS a reply to the letter, we didn't have to send out Hagrid or anything...

Percy: That's encouraging.

- so Percy is not entirely surprised to be introduced to Dahlia and Dudley Dursley during Muggleborn Orientation

- "Walk with me, please, Mr. Dursley.  I have some concerns."  *shifts to walk them casually at the back of the group*

"... Okay?"

"Would you happen to have any magical relatives, Mr. Dursley?"

".... Oh.  You know Harry.  .... I guess I know the problem.  Mum and Dad were... I mean, they loved me, but they really don't know how to be good parents, and they really hated Harry.  Downright mental about everything the slightest bit weird and always blamed him.  Then he left when I was thirteen, and they were like he'd never existed at all.  I... I had a lot of therapy in college, Minister.  Kept it secret from them, but I felt like a nutter for thinking Harry was real.  Turns out it's my parents who are kinda nutters.

"Anyway, I've done my best by Dahlia.  Read the parenting books, done the classes, always think of what Mum would do for both me and Harry and then take whatever middle ground I could come up with... kept it quiet when the same sort of funny Harry-stuff would happen around Dahlia.

"So if you can't be okay with that, Minister, I can't stop you, but please don't take it out on my little girl."

- It’s good enough for Percy. “Harry’s going to be one of your daughter’s teachers,” he tells Dudley Dursley. “He saw the name and wanted to be sure he wouldn’t be getting a student in a… similar situation as his own was. He asked me to look into it, because he knew I’d see you first.” He nods. “I’m quite happy to be able to tell him he needn’t be concerned. Thank you for speaking with me, Mr. Dursley.”

- “...How do you know Harry, anyway?”

“Hm? I was his prefect.”

- (Dudley doesn't quite understand this, because his idea of prefect comes from Smeltings, until Dahlia gets the badge.  Suddenly she has four adorable little Hufflepuff girls and it's like he's a grandfather.  Dahlia includes news of them in her letters home, she's so proud of this one, she had to intervene creatively for that one, this other is missing [particular Muggle things] something fierce so could you send a care package… It makes a lot more sense, after he sees it for himself.)