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The On-Line Shopping Experience

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“And see if they’ve got any loo rolls in stock yet,” Doyle shouted through from the bathroom. “We’re down to our last one.” He finished drying his hands, threw the wet towel into the laundry basket and replaced it with a clean one from the airing cupboard.

“Did you hear me, cloth ears?” he asked, wandering back into the kitchen.

Bodie was hunched over the table, squinting at the laptop.

“Where the hell are your specs? You’re going to ruin your eyesight with your nose pressed to the screen like that.”

Bodie looked up gormlessly. “Eh?”

“Good job I already love you, in’t it? Here,” Doyle smiled as he held out the missing glasses. “You left them on the washbasin. Think I should find some string and tie them round your neck.”

“I’ll tie something round your scrawny neck if you don’t watch it.”

“Ooh, kinky. Didn’t know you were into S&M. I’m learning something new every day.”

“Har, bloody, har!” Snatching the glasses out of Ray’s hand, Bodie resumed his painstaking search.

“Do they have any, then?” Doyle asked absently as he began looking through the cupboards.

“I can only find some called Play Feel. Sounds ok, though. Should I go ahead and order it?” Bodie had been gob-smacked to find that he could actually buy lube from the supermarket. He’d wondered how on earth they were going to get hold of some during lockdown.

“I prefer Cushelle myself,” Ray announced. “If it’s all they’ve got then it’ll have to do. See if there’s a pack of sixteen, then we won’t have to worry for a while. Oh, we’re running low on olive oil. Get a large bottle of Tesco’s own Extra Virgin, will you?” he asked as he poked around amongst the tins and bottles.

He then shifted his attention to the fridge. “We’ll be wanting at least a couple of packs of butter. Seem to get through loads of the stuff,” he droned on with his ever-expanding shopping list.

Bodie stopped typing and swivelled around to peer at Doyle’s back. "Making up for lost time, eh?"

But his lecherous grin waned as the implications of Doyle’s requests began to register.

"Um, you know, Ray, I’m not really sure if I’m going to be able to… er, if…” He swallowed hard and coughed nervously. “Well, to be honest… I’m still feeling a bit, you know, sore… from last night, like. Can we just…”

Hearing the uncharacteristic hesitancy in Bodie’s voice, Doyle pulled his head out of the fridge and closed the door. “Are you ok, mate?” he asked gently, stepping over and crouching down to rest his elbows on Bodie’s bony knees. “You’re not ill or something?”

Normally, his partner had the constitution of an ox but, Doyle supposed, it wasn’t inconceivable that he’d get the runs at some point or other, the crap he liked to eat sometimes. He’d be willing to risk it and run down to the corner shop if their meagre supply of toilet rolls ran out sooner than expected.

“No, I’m not ill!” Bodie huffed indignantly; offended that his libido was suddenly under scrutiny. “I suppose I should be grateful that you’re confident enough with this relationship that you’re willing to buy in bulk.”

“Hang on a minute! You mean to say that you have doubts it’ll work?” Doyle demanded angrily.

Bodie stood, dislodging Doyle’s arms as he did so. “I’ve bloody loved you for a long time, Ray so, no I’m not questioning my commitment but, you know, we’ve added a new dimension to the equation here. I’d just like to take it a bit slower, ok?”

“What?” Doyle shouted as he climbed to his feet. “Is it the on-line shopping that’s bothering you or specifically the purchase of toilet paper? Even the queen has to shit sometime, you know.”

“No,” Bodie spluttered. “It’s because you’re suggesting a pint and a half of lube might not be enough and insist we order extra butter and oil, just in case. Honestly Ray, I’m only human. My poor arse has never had so much attention.”

“Lube?” Doyle looked down at the computer screen and the search Bodie had been undertaking. “You’re talking about lube?”

“Yeah. What were you talking about?”

“Bog roll. I was asking you to add bog roll to the order. I thought a large multi-pack would last us ages.”

“Oh. And here’s me thinking I’d moved in with a nympho. Didn’t think I was ever going to have the chance to sit down again in comfort.”

“Well, I was hoping we’d have plenty of sex but have to agree; 800mls of lubricant should last us more than a week or two.”

“So, just a 50 ml bottle for now, then?” a relieved Bodie asked.

“Yeah. It’ll do for starters,” agreed Ray, with a smirk “Stick it in.”