Comment on Let's give them a spankin!

  1. Could you look at this new chapter I just wrote. I'd appreciate it if you look at it:

    "I swear ...I didn't mean to cause his suicide. I tried to protect him!"

    Yagi was in his deflated form and sitting on the floor against the wall of his apartment. He was bruised up and bloodied from the violent thrashing Butcher gave him. They took advantage of his 3 hour limit and went to his apartment late at night. They knew All Might wouldn't be able to transform due to the risk of decreasing his time limit. When they knocked on the door, Yagi opened it and asked who they were. Butcher's response was to show him pictures of All Might transforming into Yagi Toshinori in All Might's baggy costume. Toshinori's eyes widened and he quickly tried to close the door but Butcher kicked the door in and punched Yagi across the face. This caused him to fall onto his coffee table, causing it to shatter. Yagi's hands were covered in glass and bleeding profusely. Hughie quickly closed the door as Butcher picked up the blond man by his collar and began punching him across the face. Hughie looked away as blood was covering Butcher's left hand. Once he was done, Yagi's left eye swollen shut and bruises were covering his entire face.

    "W-who...who a-are you?"

    Butcher took out a folder from inside his coat and opened it.

    "Toshinori Yagi, 47 years old, Quirkless…..did you tell Midoriya Izuku any of this?"

    Yagi's mouth gaped open when he saw the photograph of the young middle schooler's body on the ground after jumping from the roof of the school. When he saw the news about the suicide, he felt nothing but shame and regret. When the young boy asked him if a quirkless person could become a hero, All Might said no. He believed that the boy would just get himself killed and telling him no would persuade him to choose another life choice; he even suggested other safer careers that were just as admirable. But when he saw Izuku save the blonde boy from the slime villain, he did what all heroes couldn't do at the time. He moved his body before he thought of a plan. After saving the two boys, he tried to talk to the green haired boy but the media got in his way. After getting away from them, he desperately tried to find the boy but couldn't. The next day, Yagi regretted the words he gave to the young boy.

    "The boy was fucked over the minute the doctor gave him his test results. But his last light in the darkness was his idol, you. He thought he could prove to the world the quirkless are just as capable to do the same things as the rest of the quirked but when you told him he could never be a hero, you broke him."

    Present

    Hughie immediately charged at Toshinori and grabbed him by the face. After hearing from Izuku's mother and reading his journals, this kid had the capability to become something in the world. But after hearing how he was abandoned by his father, mistreated by his school, classmates (especially Bakugou Katsuki) and the advice All Might gave him, Hughie was pissed.

    "You're fuckin hypocrite! You killed him!"

    "I thought I was protecting him! I tried to find him but I was too late!" Said Yagi as he tried to get out of Hughie's grip.

    "You were his hero! He was quirkless just like you! You could have at least told him 'anyone can be a hero' but no! You fucked him over!"

    Butcher placed his hand on Hughie's shoulder.

    "Let go of him Hughie. I think the blonde wanker knows what he did."

    Hughie glared at Yagi for a few more seconds until he roughly pushed him back and moved out of the way so Butcher could talk to him. Butcher crouched to Toshinori's level and placed his hand on his collar, twisting it.

    "Now. You've been a bad man you little crippled fucker. But before I say anything, do you know what today is?"

    "M-monday."

    "Exactly. Now here's what you're going to do on Friday. You're going to have a press conference in your All Cunt form and you're GOING to tell everyone what happened to Izuku Midoriya. And by that, I mean from saving him from the slime and shit villain to telling him that he can't become a hero."

    "I can't do that! People will lose faith in me!I'm the Symbol of Peace and I have to be an exam-"

    Butcher pulled Toshinori close to his face, grabbing a shard of glass from the coffee table and whispered:

    "You do as I say or I will slit your throat right now and send those pictures of you transforming to the news stations across the world."

    Yagi kept quiet and nodded.

    "Good. Now before you interrupted me, you are going to tell the ABSOLUTE truth about the boy. Then, you are going to announce your retirement due to the failure of failing to give a young child hope, at least you will save some face. Then, you are going to go volunteer at a quirkless support group for kids and maybe for once in your life, you can give a DAMN about the people you once belonged to. Then, you are going to write a letter to Midoriya's mother telling her if it will take you all your life begging her to forgive you then that's what you're going to do! Do you understand me? Because if you don't do these basic things, then I will put those photographs on the internet with the headline; All Might: Strong or Anorexic?"

    Yagi nodded and had tears in his eyes because from the bottom of his heart, he knew he deserved this. Butcher smiled and stood up.

    "Let's go Hughie. I think he knows what's at stake. You better start thinking about what you're going to say to Ms. Midoriya."

    Hughie and Butcher left the apartment and closed the door, leaving Yagi as a sobbing mess.

    "Young Midoriya...I'm so sorry."

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    1. (Previous comment deleted.)

      1. Thanks. I had trouble figuring out how to start it iff

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        1. I hit 'comment' on accident. I was trying to re-write the beginning, then I got frustrated trying to edit the post and accidentally closed the app, deleting my progress.

          But anyway, you should re-do the part where you were explaining the events of the attack. It should be written in order, no partial flashback, a lot of detail for the best experience and have it in paragraphs that are not too big and the characters don't share dialogue in the same paragraphs. You can explain their emotions through their facial expressions. ( Butcher smirked in amusement/ Hughie's face was contorted with rage and hatred/ Butcher raised an eyebrow.) You can explain how they say things or the sounds they make to show their reactions( Butcher scoffed, "Is that so?"/ "Oh, you're really fucked now!" Butcher chuckled out./ "It's all your fault!" Hughie seethed through his teeth.)

           

          Start with either Toshinori just using up his last few minutes in his muscle form or he's entering his house.

          When he closes the door to his home, Hughie then attacks him. Include Yagi's reactions and attempts at fighting back( The brunette delivers a hard uppercut to Yagi's side, grazing his never-healing scar. The blonde immediately howls in pain. He falls to the floor from the unexpected assault, clutching his wounded torso.

          He desperately tries to crawl away from his attacker, grabbing for the doorknob, only then to feel a force grabbing a handful of his golden mane and thrown roughly into the wall, the impact cracking the area irreparably Hughie pounced on the man, almost straddling him before beginning to mercilessly rain down hit after hit upon him. Soon Yagi's eye was black and blue, is nose crooked, lip busted and swollen and face cracked in blood from his nose and mouth. He coughed in agony and swallowed to try to hold back the blood and bile bubbling up to his mouth.

          Then you can start the dialogue between the characters.

          something like that, feel free to add on to that or change it. It's your story.

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          1. Oh yeah, I'm definitely adding this thanks

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