Comment on Let's give them a spankin!

  1. I hit 'comment' on accident. I was trying to re-write the beginning, then I got frustrated trying to edit the post and accidentally closed the app, deleting my progress.

    But anyway, you should re-do the part where you were explaining the events of the attack. It should be written in order, no partial flashback, a lot of detail for the best experience and have it in paragraphs that are not too big and the characters don't share dialogue in the same paragraphs. You can explain their emotions through their facial expressions. ( Butcher smirked in amusement/ Hughie's face was contorted with rage and hatred/ Butcher raised an eyebrow.) You can explain how they say things or the sounds they make to show their reactions( Butcher scoffed, "Is that so?"/ "Oh, you're really fucked now!" Butcher chuckled out./ "It's all your fault!" Hughie seethed through his teeth.)


    Start with either Toshinori just using up his last few minutes in his muscle form or he's entering his house.

    When he closes the door to his home, Hughie then attacks him. Include Yagi's reactions and attempts at fighting back( The brunette delivers a hard uppercut to Yagi's side, grazing his never-healing scar. The blonde immediately howls in pain. He falls to the floor from the unexpected assault, clutching his wounded torso.

    He desperately tries to crawl away from his attacker, grabbing for the doorknob, only then to feel a force grabbing a handful of his golden mane and thrown roughly into the wall, the impact cracking the area irreparably Hughie pounced on the man, almost straddling him before beginning to mercilessly rain down hit after hit upon him. Soon Yagi's eye was black and blue, is nose crooked, lip busted and swollen and face cracked in blood from his nose and mouth. He coughed in agony and swallowed to try to hold back the blood and bile bubbling up to his mouth.

    Then you can start the dialogue between the characters.

    something like that, feel free to add on to that or change it. It's your story.

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    1. Oh yeah, I'm definitely adding this thanks

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