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2017-03-19
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2020-07-22
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When your feet don't touch the ground

Summary:

Roger Debris never once felt out of place. But somehow lately something is missing. And he can't explain it to himself. But then, he helps a seemingly homeless boy in the streets and everything changes. Roger/Carmen ; The Producers (c) Mel Brooks

Notes:

A/N: While working on "True To Your Heart" I felt the whole Roger/Carmen part was getting way too complex to explain it in that one story, so I decided to cut that one part out of it and do a single story about it. It won't be as long, but I thought it was a nice little tale (Plus I really liked my idea of how the two of them met actually) :)

So, hope you'll enjoy. First time I've written something that doesn't include Max and Leo. Don't worry though, I will return to them again :) I just needed to do this.

The title was inspired by the "Finding Neverland" Cast Album I was hearing while writing this down.

Let me know what you think...

Chapter 1: Something's coming

Chapter Text

He watched the morning sun arising at the edge of the endless city as he opened the windows and took a deep breath of the air softly blowing in and carrying along the morning hustle from outside.

A perfect day. He felt it. Whenever a day started like that he knew it was going to be just great. Something to lighten up the boredom he was situated in lately. There was the smell of awesomeness in the air somehow as Roger looked down the skyline of the city. People were rushing by and the yellow cabs were passing the house every once in a while. He inhaled deeply. Something was gonna happen. It was there. He could sense it. And the pure thought of it made him smile from one ear to the other.

Then he carefully closed the windows again and prepared for whatever might cross his way today. He was ready.

Little did he know that this day would change his life forever.

Slowly he made his way downstairs for the usual morning routine. A nice cup of tea, the smell of fresh brioche coming from the kitchen and a random chat with his roommates. It was exactly what he loved; the very way it had been for years and he could hardly imagine something else could change that fact.

So, as Roger walked down the long light corridors of the huge townhouse he wondered what to do afterwards. Sure, he had become quite popular as a director and he couldn't complain about work at all. On the contrary, it was what he loved and the theater was a place were dreams came true. Nowhere else was he able to materialize more. But at the moment there was nothing to do. A new play was set next month and he had been convinced to take it as a chance to regenerate a bit. Some sort of vacation if you like. But if he was honest, it started to bore him. He'd been out a lot lately together with Brian and Scott and the others, but somehow that little creative spark was missing.

"You need to let go a little," Kevin told him, when he saw Roger's face as he sat down in the marble kitchen. "Having some time for yourself ain't that bad."

"I am not holding on to work," Roger jeered.

"Then why the long face?" he grinned.

"He's depressed," Shirley said.

"He is bored," Brian cheered over her shoulder. "That's all. Routine is something he hates."

"I am not," Roger grabbed the newspaper which lay nearby and tried to avoid their eyes as good as possible.

"Then why don't you join us tonight?" Kevin asked again. "We'll be out partying a bit. Checking out the cuties the city has to offer."

"Nah, I guess you should go alone," Roger simply replied.

He'd been out too many times in the last time and it started to bore him immensely. But there was no way he could admit it; more out of fear to insult any of them. After all they only meant well.

He was sure something must follow, but his roommates remained silent. And that silence lasted seemingly forever. After a while he even felt watched and slowly lowered his papers again, raising one eyebrow. All four of them stood around him with folded arms, watching him closely. Roger's head turned slowly from one to the other and back.

"Alright," he said after a moment and carefully folded his papers again, putting them away. "What is it?"

"We're kinda worrying about you," Brian answered sincerely, whereas the others just nodded.

"No need to worry...I," Roger started, but was interrupted quickly.

"You need to get out of this," Scott said. "You need to let go. Whatever this phase is or may become it's not good. What you really need is something else than work."

"And that's what?" Roger asked amused. "Strolling from one Pub to the next with you to find the same people each time? To look into the same old faces? The same conversations and the same useless attempts to get hooked?"

"See? I told you he was bored," Kevin grinned at Shirley, who started to giggle slightly.

"You need someone who changes that same old world for you," she turned her head to the older man then.

"I am perfectly happy the way it is. Thank you!" Roger answered.

"Who are you trying to fool?" Scott leaned over to him and smiled. "Heaven's Rog! The last time you've had something close to a real relationship was when that old drag lived here for two weeks. You can't really call that 'perfectly happy' in any way."

"I'm fine, believe me," Roger said and got up. "Would you please stop that now?"

"Are you getting angry?" Shirley smiled mischievously. "Tells me we're on the right track."

"Enough already," Roger went to the door, taking large steps.

He'd already touched the doorknob when he heard Kevin's voice behind him again.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "Roger please, we didn't mean to insult you or anything."

"I know," Roger shouted back, raising his hand. But only seconds later he noticed this might have been a little much. So he turned slightly and looked from one to the other. They were shocked, he could tell. And after all they only meant to help.

Roger sighed.

"I am not angry," he said a lot softer now and even forced himself into a slight smile. "I just... I really don't need any more parties or matchmaking's right now. I'm sorry. I just need a little time for myself. That's all."

His four roommates nodded shortly. His signal to leave. He turned again and closed the door carefully behind himself.

He couldn't explain himself why he acted like that. He'd always enjoyed being around people, but lately it felt like being the same every day. He was certain this would change again. And he was determined they were wrong. He didn't need anyone right now. All he needed was something to do with his unexpected time. Something fresh. Something new.

Carefully, he put on his coat and then stepped outside the huge front door to face the world; for once alone. He breathed in the warm morning air and closed his eyes for a moment to listen to the familiar sounds of the noisy city. Usually he wouldn't walk around. He never did really, but he felt this was exactly what he needed right now to get his head clean again.

….

His road led him along the endless narrow streets and past the million people always rushing by. He didn't know any of them, nor did he really care. Yet it was kind of fun to imagine why they were out there and where they were heading to this morning. Roger remembered having played that game a lot when he was a child and somehow it crossed his mind again. And suddenly that old smile was back in his face. The streets had something magical about them. It was almost as though he was entering a new world, even though he knew most of it his whole life. But that was exactly what he loved about New York that much. Everything constantly changed and yet stayed exactly the way it had always been.

He looked up to the sky. The sun was reflecting in the windows of some skyscrapers in the distance and sparkled almost like little stars during the young day.

And once more he had to laugh. They were wrong. How on earth was he supposed to do something like that; to enjoy his own little discoveries when there was someone by his side? Relationships were distracting people from what really mattered. He'd learned that a long time ago. And even though sharing the nights with someone special from time to time was something he'd never give up, he could hardly imagine having some millstone around his neck all the time. No, it was perfectly alright the way it was. He even felt the tension which had been there only half an hour before vanish and his old cheery self was slowly finding his way back.

Roger stretched once and continued his way cheerfully. He wondered why he didn't do it more often? Somehow he'd never been the person to walk around a lot but it appeared to be a cure right now.

He listened to the conversations of two women nearby and chuckled. You sure learned a lot about people by just being silent and listen. And they didn't mind in the least. They didn't even notice. Anonymity was just another big advantage out here. People in theater knew him. And people close to the theater recognized him, but only two streets apart from all that dazzle no one knew. And more importantly no one cared. This was New York. The way it has always been.

He kept on walking and enjoying his freedom. Until someone jostled him and made him stumble.

Quickly he turned his head only to find a scared looking gray boy in front of him. He didn't look less surprised than Roger.

"I-I am sorry," he mumbled, but didn't look at him. "Didn't see you. I hope you're alright."

For a moment Roger thought about screaming at him to better open his eyes, but then he noticed the boy stepping back a few inches just as though he was expecting him to go berserk.

"Nothing happened," he replied then and stroked a little dirt off his coat.

"Sorry," the boy repeated and marched on.

Well, hardly marched. He stumbled more; just as though he had troubles walking. Roger noticed in surprise. He was still stroking his coat while watching him when he took an incidental look at his hand letting go of the fine fabric. His eyes widened. Something stuck to his fingers. Was that blood? It wasn't his, he was certain of that. He didn't even fall. So, his head shot in the air again and his eyes were scanning the street.

That boy had been injured. Clearly. He simply must have. This was his blood. Roger almost smacked himself for not noticing it immediately. That was why he walked so strangely.

He looked around. One face after the other passed him and he tried desperately to find that boy in the crowd. He couldn't be far after all. Not in that condition.

And indeed: There he was! Making a turn into yet another alley. He was slow and holding his right arm but somehow still fast enough to escape Roger's sight. So, without further thinking the older man ran after him. Looking back he didn't even know what had hit him that moment. But if he really was injured, he needed help. And he didn't seem to be dangerous. At least not from that first impression Roger had gotten. And even though he probably had ignored him under normal circumstances, Roger was no one not to help.

He reaches the corner of that alley in seemingly no time and within a second his eyes spotted him.

The boy leaned against the wall of a building with his healthy shoulder not only a few feet away from him. His head was bowed though. He seemed exhausted.

"Hey," Roger addressed him as he quickly approached him. "Wait!"

He reached out for him, but as soon as the young man got his words he whirled around fast and backed away. His feet didn't seem to carry him anymore though and he fell to the wall with his back again. His eyes were teared wide open and he looked at Roger scared.

"You get away from me!" he yelled and held his obviously healthy arm in front of himself to prevent Roger to touch him in any way.

"Hey, calm down," Roger said calmly and stopped. "I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Don't come closer," the boy yelled. "I-I'm warning you!"

"And you're gonna do what?" Roger said calmly. "You're hardly able to walk at all."

This truth seemed to strike the boy too that very moment. His hand slowly sank and the tension in his body seemed to vanish a little. He kept staring at Roger in fear though. It didn't take him long to steady himself on his shaking feet and he stepped back even more, meaning to leave.

"Leave me alone," he said and gave it his best attempt to sound unimpressed by the calm voice of that stranger in front of him.

He turned and took two more steps, when his feet gave in and he sank to him knees, moaning deeply and once more holding his whole body.

Roger rushed by his side and helped him sitting up. He softly leaned him against his arm and tried to hold his head up so the young man could breathe easier.

"Easy there," he said, but didn't get any response. His counterpart had his eyes closed in pain and for the first time Roger noticed how much he shivered. He took a closer look now that he had him that close to himself for once. There were bruises all over him and he wore the swollen marks around his eyes like a trophy. His head was bleeding as was his left arm which hang loosely down his grip. And his chest didn't seem to be okay either. His shirt was also soaked in a red liquid and told Roger he must have had other injuries one couldn't make out at first sight. Probably his rips were broken.

Roger stared at his scratched face in shock. What happened to him? He didn't seem to be that old yet.

"You're injured," he whispered in shock. To his great misfortune the boy opened his eyes again hearing his words and struggled immediately to get out of his grip once more. But he wasn't strong enough and Roger didn't think about letting go of him right now.

"Listen to me," he tried to stay calm. "You need help. These are some serious injuries you got there and you need someone to look at them."

"Let go," the boy said in despair, trying to struggle out of his arms.

"Alright," Roger agreed. "I will. But only if you'll listen to what I wanna suggest to you!"

For once the boy turned his head in his direction and got a little calmer. Roger looked into that pair of brown eyes for the first time. No, there was nothing dangerous about that one. He couldn't explain why he thought about it that moment, but there was something about him that told him he could really trust his instincts right now.

So, the boy nodded once even though Roger could tell immediately he didn't trust him at all. He loosened his grip and it didn't take him more than a blink and that boy rolled over and vanished underneath his fingers. It must have been very painful. He could tell by looking in his face again. Luckily the young man didn't get far. He was tired and exhausted. His whole being told Roger so. He stopped only inches away and leaned his back to a nearby trashcan while he still sat on the cold gray ground. He stretched his head up and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. Then, he opened his eyes slightly and looked at the older man from the corner of them.

"What do you want?" he asked defiantly, breathing heavily.

"What happened to you?" Roger asked slowly.

"None of your business," the boy replied, closing his eyes once more as he leaned his back to the trashcan too.

Roger waited a second. But when he was sure nothing was about to follow, he added:

"Alright. You don't wanna talk about it. I understand."

The boy didn't reply. He didn't even move and it looked like he was about to fall asleep from exhaustion any minute. Roger felt his stomach flip seeing it. The situation was about to become dangerous if he really passed out right here. Whatever happened to him, he would find out...later. But now, the first step was to get him away from here.

Roger didn't take his eyes away from that strange boy. A young slender man with short light brown hair. He didn't look like someone living in the streets but yet everything indicated it. He wore a long gray coat and a gray hooded shirt with dark jeans. Homeless people usually didn't wear that kind of stuff. But somehow he looked like having spent some time out here; let alone these horrific injuries all over his body that kept on bleeding.

Roger looked around to the streets once more and then focused on the boy once more. He was getting nervous somehow. And he noticed his hands getting sweaty as well. Rubbing over his face once, he thought: "I must be out of my mind doing this."

"Listen, I can help you," he started silently.

"How so?" the boy replied with his eyes closed still.

"You could come with me," Roger said, not believing his own words. "I will have someone look at your injuries. You could recover and warm up."

The boy jeered slightly.

"Don't be silly," he answered, looking at Roger again weakly. "I don't even know you. Why should I do that?"

"So what's your suggestion then?" he asked. "I'll leave you here and let you die?"

"None of your concern what happens to me," the boy replied.

"Oh no, you're wrong," Roger said, causing the boy to open his eyes a little more. "Now I know you. At least a little. It is my concern now. And I won't leave you out here all alone looking like that."

And even though he was weak and his breath was heavy and looked as though it tortured him enormously just to inhale again, he knew the boy listened now.

"I promise I'm not gonna hurt you," Roger continued. "You can leave as soon as you feel better. But please, don't let me beg. I promise I will follow you until you slowly faint and I will carry you personally to a doctor if you continue to act that stubborn. Whereas if you come with me you'll have a roof and a bed and a nice place to cure this."

The boy watched him and somehow Roger swore something about his looks changed. A million questions were written in it and his eyes scanned him perfectly just as though he tried to figure out whether he meant it or not.

"I promise!" Roger repeated.

"Why should I believe you?" the boy asked weakly, but a lot of the defiance in his voice was gone.

Roger on the other hand stepped a little closer and started to smile compassionately. He stretched out his hand slowly.

"I'm Roger," he said and felt curiously touched when the young man hesitantly started to shake his hand after a moment. He didn't take his eyes away from him though and he didn't reply.

"I see," Roger laughed shortly. "No name either, hm?"

He got up from the ground and slowly lend his arm to the boy to get up. It took him a moment to really grab it though, but then he slowly pulled himself up until he stood on his shaking feet again, holding his arm once more. Roger did his very best to steady him. It became clear though he wouldn't even make another two steps. He stumbled next to the taller man and was about to fall again. This was no use. So, without thinking about it, Roger reached out to him once more.

"Hold on," he said and within the beat of a heart he had him lifted up in his arms. The boy looked a little shocked, but held on to him as good as possible.

"I can leave again as soon as someone looked at me?" he asked a little uncertain.

"As soon as you wish," Roger replied.

And when he was certain the boy was satisfied with that answer he started to make his way out of that alley. The boy looked at the streets again a little scared, but soon relaxed a little in his arms.

Roger didn't mind the looks of the people he passed. All he had in mind was to get home a quick as possible. He called for a cab – something that turned out to be rather difficult when both of his hands were kind of occupied - and placed himself and that boy carefully insight the moment it held in front of him. He was still carrying him on his lap as he told the driver where to go. And then all he did was looking outside; watching the buildings and trees rushing by the windows. He didn't care for the people outside anymore. Nor the weather or anything else that made him feel alive this morning. All he wanted was to help that stranger in his arms.

This was crazy. He kept telling himself that over and over again. He didn't even know him. A homeless with no name and apparently a very serious past. He should have ignored him. He should have simply followed his way down the streets not caring about him at all. He even could imagine the blame of his roommates bringing a perfect stranger to their house. Someone they knew nothing about. He could rob them, threaten them; hell, even murder them. Nobody knew. But then again, it was highly unlikely he was about to do that.

Roger looked down at the boy once more. To his surprise he had his restless head leaned against his chest and was fallen asleep deeply. And for once he seemed very calm; just as though he felt safe for that one moment. He didn't appear as hectic and scared anymore. No, it was almost as though he had been waiting all his young life to finally find some security.

Roger felt touched somehow. In way he'd never experience before. He couldn't explain it.

He looked at him a little longer and felt his mouth lifting into a smile. No, he wouldn't do that. He didn't know why but he was sure about it. Something had led him to this boy.

So maybe this was the feeling he had had that very morning. Maybe, but only maybe, he had been meant to meet him...

~To be continued~

Chapter 2: Darling

Notes:

A/N: Part two :) I am somehow really excited about this story and I hope I'll finsih it soon. I kinda love the "How did Carmen and Roger meet" theories and well, this is the first attempt by myself to explain what I think happened.

Hope you'll enjoy.

Chapter Text

„Well, he'll survive it."

Roger silently closed the door to the room in which his unknown guest lay behind the doctor, who only shook his head in disbelief. His young guest had been struggling still when they'd arrived here, but hadn't been able to do a lot since Roger had had him still in his arms and his injuries must have weakened him a lot. He hadn't been at all as defiant as he'd been before. But who could blame him. Having second thoughts in a situation like the one they had unwillingly found themselves in had to be considered as normal after all. But luckily he'd let Roger call for a doctor and let him take a good look at him, just as they had agreed on back in the streets.

"Is he okay?" Roger asked a little timid.

"He's asleep now," the doctor nodded shortly keeping a straight face. "I've given him some sedatives so he won't move that much. It's kind of important he remains calm at least until his shoulder is cured properly. It's been completely dislocated. Unbelievable he was still able to move at all."

"What kind of injuries are these?" Roger asked once more. "A dislocated shoulder, the cuts, the bruises...I guess he's broken something too, right?"

"I'd hoped you could tell me," the other man looked up sincerely, but then nodded. "Two rips are broken, but it looked a lot worse than it was. But still he obviously got pretty mangled. The wound on his head worried me most to be honest. And he's lost a lot of blood. So, if you remember anything he might have told you, please spill your guts."

But Roger only shook his head in worriedly. "He told me nothing. Not a bit."

The doctor raised one eyebrow, just as though he wanted to point out he didn't believe him at all. But there was no signs whatsoever this DeBris having been involved into a fight or anything as well, so probably his story must be true.

"I guess if he really lived out there," he started again. "It's been some kind of street-fight or something like that. Maybe he was part of any gang or I don't know what else. Fact is, injuries like the ones your little foundling is wearing...well, let's say he cannot have caused them himself."

"Means someone else did it?"

The doctor shrugged. "Probably. But I can't say for sure. Maybe he fell or had had an accident. I can't say really. He needs to talk a little more to get a certainty about what happened, but as far as I see it you practically dragged him here, am I right?"

"Well," Roger started to blush and turned his eyes away. "He was alone and injured. You have no idea how vulnerable and weak he had looked. I couldn't just leave him there."

"I see," the other man looked down at the notes in his hand again. "Well, since neither you nor me know his name now... Am I correct that you're gonna pay for his treatment?"

"Yes, I will," Roger said and rubbed his head, looking worried to that closed door again.

Jeez, how was he going to explain that? He'd seen the faces of his roommates when he'd entered with that boy alright and knew perfectly well he had to face a longer talk anyway.

"You know what you are dealing with, right?" he heard the doctor's voice once more. "You could easily get into trouble letting some street-kid in. And apart from that, his treatment won't be cheap."

"I am fully aware of it," Roger snapped back. He quickly took the piece of paper he was handing him and signed it. Why did he feel angry? All the objections coming from that man were more than justified. And he indeed had not the slightest idea what he was engaging himself with right now.

He accompanied the doctor to the door and only when he had the door closed behind him as well, Roger dared to take a deep breath. This was gonna be tough. But he wouldn't take the blame in any way. All he wanted was to help that boy. Why? Hell, he didn't know. It had just felt right. And there had been that little subconscious voice inside of him literally screaming at him not to turn away. Yet, he didn't know about that either. It had been just a feeling. Something no person in the world would have been able to explain that very moment. And helping someone was never wrong now, was it?

Lost in his thoughts, Roger moved back into the huge kitchen of the town house. His arms were folded and he held his head down, thinking about all the things that doctor had said to him. But he was quickly ripped out of his own little world when the kitchen door flung shut noisily behind him and he lifted his head only to find his four roommates standing in a semicircle around him, looking at him reproachfully. Roger lifted his eyebrows and looked from one to the other. Their mimics didn't really change. It was then Roger knew perfectly well he'd lost. There was no need to pretend he didn't know what this was about. Of course they were mad. They had seen him carrying that stranger inside and calling a doctor in a hurry whilst none of them had been able to speak just one word with him.

"Jesus!" He flinched and held his hand to his chest, breathing fast.

Their stares were piercing him and as if choreographed they crossed their arms all at the same time, looking extremely pissed.

"Listen, I...," Roger started, but didn't even get any further. "I know what you're gonna say, but let me try to explain."

"Have you lost your mind, Rog?" Kevin asked as the first of them, looking incomprehensible all the same. "What the hell was that about?"

"I needed to hurry," Roger answered quickly. "I am sorry. I meant to talk to you later."

"Where is he now?" Brian asked before he could say any more. "Please tell me, that doc took him away."

Roger looked up at him with the eyes of a beaten dog.

"Oh no, Roger!" Brian rubbed over his face with his hands, before leaning back so only the table held him from falling backwards to the ground. "He is still here?"

"He's up in my room," Roger said a lot quieter now.

"How can you bring some stranger in here?" Scott continued and dared to speak out loud what everyone else was obviously thinking. "Have you seen his face? Where did you pick up a boy like that? Have you been gambling and he was the consolation gift?"

"I...I found him in the streets," Roger answered hesitantly. "But he..."

"You what?" the four of them asked simultaneously and their eyes grew even bigger.

"That's it. We're finished," Shirley proclaimed, waving her hands about. "They'll find out. As soon as this one opens his eyes he'll notice and we're screwed then. Mark my words."

"Or he'll rob us," Brian concluded.

"Or kill us while we sleep," Scott and Kevin looked at each other and immediately held their hands to their throats, clenching their teeth. "Ewwwww..."

"Don't exaggerate," Roger replied rolled his eyes, letting his hands sink. "What makes you think he'll finish us off? He can barely walk..."

"Until he gets better!"

"Maybe he won't tell on us," Roger tried to argue.

"And what if he will? What if someone finds out about this here?" Kevin interrupted him, looking at each of them and then back to Roger. He was blaming him.

"Yeah, you know how people are," Shirley agreed, nodding at Kevin. "It doesn't bother anyone as long as it stays in here. But with this boy talkin' about it..."

"Oh come on now!" Roger was getting annoyed, even though he knew perfectly well what could happen. "You don't even know if he'll say anything."

"Yes, but neither do you," Brian answered quickly.

Roger moaned and passed them to walk directly to one of the shelves in the room. He took a glass and poured himself a slug of whiskey. Quickly he swallowed it and rubbed his forehead.

Funny enough he'd been thinking about all that as well and it just wouldn't leave his mind since he'd arrived here with that boy. He knew it would mean trouble, but somehow he was convinced still that the stranger up there meant no harm to them. But it was just a feeling. How was he supposed to make them believe too?

"Roger, you must admit it's kind of audacious to bring him here without any clue what he's up to," Scott approached him carefully. "I mean what did he say to you?"

"Nothing," Roger replied without looking up. "He said absolutely nothing. Look, you've seen him, haven't you? He needed help."

"Then why.."

"Because...," Roger whirled around, knowing his voice sounded angry. "Because I am not like that. I couldn't ignore him after he bumped into me. If I'd just closed my eyes who knows what had happened to him. So don't tell me you would have walked past that."

The four of them just remained where they were and didn't reply anything. But their looks changed a little. Obviously they seemed to think about it. Roger sighed.

"Listen," he started anew. "I...I know this is risky. And I can completely understand you're feeling scared. I'm with you, okay! Actually, I am scared as hell. But let me talk to him first, will you? I am sure I can convince him to shut up. After all he won't stay long anyway."

"He won't?" Scott asked. "Why so?"

"Because the deal is he leaves soon as he feels better," Roger explained. "It's not like I didn't think about all that too. And I am not too keen on having him around longer than necessary. But still he's here now. So, please. I beg you. Let me try and talk to him. I am positive I can convince him to remain silent."

His roommates sighed and all of them looked away for a moment. Scott shook his head, while Kevin closed his eyes thinking about it. Shirley looked up to the ceiling and Brian put his hand to his forehead.

"Please," Roger looked from one to the other.

And finally the four of them turned their heads to him again.

"Alright Rog," Brian said after nodding to the others. "But if he won't shut up, he'll have to go..."

"I know," Roger answered and noticed in surprise how relieved he felt that second. He knew they were right and he knew how strange all this felt. Hell, he even doubted himself still, having brought that stranger here.

"Let's hope he doesn't have friends who'll come looking for him then," Shirley said, but nodded too.

Roger doubted that. But of course they couldn't know for sure. They simply had to be careful. And first of all that boy must wake up again before Roger even got the chance to get anything out of him. If he talked to him at all that was...

"And make sure everything remains where it is," Kevin told him as he walked past him.

This topic seemed to be over. Slowly all of them made their ways through the house again, leaving Roger alone. He stared at the glass in his hands. Damn it. He was nervous. And they could tell. He never drank anything. At least not at that time of the day. Why now? It seemed so clear to him out there. He had been certain to be doing the right thing. And now he doubted everything about his decision.

"I agreed to pay for his treatment," he said suddenly and literally could feel their heads turning towards him once more. "It won't affect you though. I promise. My agreement, my money."

He heard his roommates moan.

"Roger?" Scott asked suddenly and made the taller man turn once more to face them. "What's his name anyway?"

"I have no idea..."

….

The sun shone through the huge arched glazed windows and made the white room and the satin linen glow like pearls. When he opened his eyes the lightness blinded him but he wasn't really able to move his arms to cover his eyes. All in all his whole body ached. Much more than it did before. It felt as though he'd been walking forever and only just now noticed how tired he was. And when he finally managed to blink his blurry sight away he looked around uncertain. It took him quite a moment to remember where he was and more importantly why he was in this strange place. But then it all came back to him. Well, almost all up to the point that person injected him something and he blacked out.

His eyes widened a little and he shot into the air, only to slump down the next moment as a sharp pain shot through his body and especially his right shoulder.

"What the hell did they do to me?" he thought and observed his arms as good as possible while writhing in the sheets with his face almost touching his own knees. But he couldn't find anything. No, they couldn't have poisoned him or anything. Only when the pain died down a bit he was really able to get a clear thought again. His right arm was bandaged and in a sling which he wore like a sash around his neck.

And then he remembered. It was his shoulder. Probably only now he really felt all those injuries tormenting his body after he was able to rest a little. So maybe this really had been a doctor after all. And that other guy? He had been so keen on supposedly helping him. But why? If life taught him one thing then it was nigh impossible to find people who'd do that in New York. But then again he didn't really know. He rested his face in his hand-the one he actually was able to move-and sighed wearily. Then he turned his head a little to look around. This sure was a strange place. Whoever lived here really could afford a life.

A knock on the door distracted him in his thoughts and caused the young man to sit upright in that bed immediately. His face changed as the huge white door opened slowly. He was about to run. Fast if possible.

A short chubby guy peeked inside carefully and when he saw him awake he slowly and almost soundless sneaked into the room. He was carrying a serving tray and approached the boy with a cheerful smile on his face.

"I've made you something to eat," he said. "I figure you must be starving after two days."

He put it down on a little bedside table next to him. The stranger's eyes widened. He kept staring at it, obviously not grasping what this was about. In front of him a huge plate of pancakes and scrambled eggs appeared, decorated with a circle of colorful flowers and a napkin folded to look like a swan.

"You can just leave it there," the guy said to him and he looked up once more. "It's better not to get up if you're not feeling well."

"Two days?" the young man asked a little uncertain and was surprised how hoarse and unfamiliar his own voice sounded.

The man nodded.

"Those sedatives were stronger than expected obviously," he smiled at him. "You've been sleeping all that time. But probably your body needed the rest."

He looked at him with a friendly face and the boy knew he was expecting him to say something. But what? This felt strange. He'd never expected to find something like this and even though his memory was still blurry he swore this wasn't the one who brought him here.

"I'm Kevin by the way," he heard the guy speak.

He held his hand towards him and only hesitantly the boy shook it, always keeping him in his sight. But he didn't really answer.

"And you are?" he asked again.

He teared his eyes open and whirled his head around, just staring at the blanket in a dark way. He didn't respond. If there had been one question he'd dreaded it was this.

"You don't remember?" Kevin asked.

Again only silence. Kevin watched him a moment, but then got up slowly.

"Well that makes it harder I suppose," he said softly. "After all we 'll have to call you somehow."

"When can I leave?" the boy asked in return.

That question came so suddenly, Kevin turned a little too fast in surprise and caused him to blench slightly.

"My dear boy," he chuckled. "You can't possibly go out there until you're fully recovered. Surely you will understand that, am I right?"

"This other man," the stranger spoke unimpressed. "The one who brought me here. He said I could leave whenever."

"You mean Roger?" Kevin responded, rubbing his neck. "Yes you see, I don't quite know everything he's said to you. But sure, you can leave if that's your wish. I doubt though you will make it far."

"Why?"

"How about coming down at first?" he fell into a smile again. "And then we'll see how much effort that costs you."

The stranger looked down again, biting his lips. This wasn't what they'd agreed on. And he wasn't really keen on staying longer than necessary. This felt strange. He'd never wanted help. And never before had he been so daring as to allow a perfect stranger to drag him along.

"It'd be a change from this room," Kevin said softly and he turned to him again. "And you could meet the others. They're dying to finally meet you. It doesn't happen too often we have a guest no one knows anything about, you know?"

"There are others?" the boy looked even more surprised now.

Where the hell did he maneuvered himself into?

Kevin on the other hand nodded.

"Three others to be exact," he answered. "Four if you count Roger."

This was strange. Five people living together? What kind of house was this?

"Where am I?" he asked after a short moment.

Kevin looked at him uncomprehendingly. He blinked once or twice and pointed to the windows.

"Have you not noticed?" he asked.

The boy slowly slipped to the edge of the bed and lifted up his head. He could barely see anything apart from the huge buildings in the distance. So, he pulled his feet out of the blanket and carefully touched the ground. It felt warmer than expected, but then again it was no wonder for everything was covered in white fluffy carpets. They lay practically everywhere on that marble ground.

Slowly he tried to balance his own weight to his feet but stumbled back immediately. His feet were shaking and he felt a little dizzy standing again. It was then he noticed that Kevin had been right. He wasn't really able to walk properly. So he could probably forget about leaving this place today. And maybe not tomorrow. Not until his body obeyed him again. A fact which bothered him more than anything else if he was honest.

But after a while it seemed to work a little better. Clumsily he stumbled over to the windows and took a look outside. He saw the huge stairs leading to the front door. It was framed with a frisky curved railing. And there were huge trees on the street every now and then. And flowers in the windows of the other houses. Houses which looked noble. Much nobler than the parts of Manhattan he'd been in until now. And between the diligent decorated facades of the huge mansion-like buildings trailed dark green ivy now and then, making them look like they had been built on trees rather than gray stone.

"This is the Upper East Side," he heard Kevin's voice again.

The Upper East Side? How on earth did he come here? He'd heard of that part of the city before, but only people with lots of influence and money lived here. Or so he'd always thought. And looking at this house he couldn't be too wrong.

"So honey," Kevin smiled at him again. "Now that you're standing anyway, would you like to come down with me?"

"Honey?" The boy looked at him with wide eyes.

And for a moment he swore Kevin blushed slightly.

"Ugh, pal? Buddy?"

No way...

Something about him made the stranger smirk though. Unless he wasn't completely mistaken...

"Could I get my clothes then?" he asked a little more amused now.

"Oh," Kevin rushed over to the door again and opened it hastily. He vanished for a second behind it but kicked it open with his shoulder again quickly, carrying something that looked like folded clothes. He stepped closer and handed it to him.

"Your stuff is with Brian," he explained, judging his baffled face. "He's the one doing the laundry and he insisted on doing your clothes too."

The boy blinked once not believing his ears and then looked at whatever Kevin handed him there. A white shirt and white cloth trousers. He sighed slightly. But then he took it and quickly slipped into it. Kevin didn't even turn. Usually it would have made him feel a little strange but somehow he couldn't help but smile. He just pretended he didn't notice.

And when he was finished he looked at himself and wrinkled his nose slightly. He'd never had looked good in white. But obviously he had no other choice right now if he didn't want to stay in that strange room and going with that guy half naked wasn't an option either.

"Honey, you look gorgeous," Kevin said, clapping his hands.

Again, the boy smirked.

"Well, come on then," Kevin rushed by his side, putting his hands on his back carefully to make sure he wouldn't fall. "Walk this way please!"

He lifted his arm and walked a little in front of him, gesturing him to follow. The stranger closed his eyes shortly and smiled, but then followed him as good as possible.

….

This house indeed was huge. He nearly lost his orientation following Kevin. They passed so many doors, the stranger nearly lost count. And the huge stairs in the middle of the entrance wasn't much better. It was curved to both sides forming a nice semi-circle to the entrance hall. And yes this indeed was a hall. Everything was kept in marble white and every once in a while he spotted huge paintings. Very obscure ones for that matter. Furry animals and naked bodies, usually the backs of men. Hardly any color was to be found in that house except for the paintings.

A huge chandelier hung in the entrance hall and it gave the whole place a more palace-like look than before. Sometimes a bunch of flowers was decorating a human-sized pillar but they kind of got lost in the mass of white everywhere. If the boy didn't know there were people living here, it would have appeared like a museum. A little cold but somehow so tidy he almost didn't dare to step anywhere in fear he made a mess.

Kevin kept on walking. He wondered how huge this house really was for he couldn't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. But then the chubby man turned left and opened a door, holding it for the stranger while smiling at him again.

The boy stopped. He heard voices coming from that room and immediately felt a little intimidated again.

"Don't worry," Kevin said. "They don't bite."

So, he took a deep breath and slowly set one foot before the other, walking through that door-frame.

And immediately he felt six pairs of eyes on him. He held his breath and straightened up. This felt wrong.

They were in there and looked at him as though he was some kind of wild animal no one had ever seen before. A little awe was in their eyes but also a lot of questions. And was that a hint of fear? He couldn't tell. Blinking once he told himself he must have been wrong. It was gone. Strange.

A huge skinny looking guy with short ash blonde hair stood next to a huge marble table with a cup in his hands. A beefy looking man with a big black mustache stood leaned to a sink and a smaller, very masculine woman – at least he thought it was one – sat on a chair in the middle of what obviously was a kitchen. Neither of them said a word. All they did was piercing him with their stares. The boy felt a shiver down his spine watching them.

But then Kevin entered the room too and luckily broke that silence.

"Well as you can see, he's awake," he grinned at the others. "And he was excited to meet you too."

They simply turned their heads from Kevin to the boy again, but their faces stayed blank. And they did it with an unbelievable synchronicity, it made him almost laugh. If the situation hadn't been so odd of course. They looked like they've been rehearsing this for ages. Almost like actors in a play doing everything right on cue.

"Hi?" The boy lifted his hand a little uncertain and croaked that greeting more than actually saying it.

But the moment his voice sounded through the kitchen, the three of them seemed to exhale immediately and smiled at him warmly.

"Why hello, young man!"

"We thought you'd never awake again, sleeping beauty!"

"We were so curious about you!"

The boy didn't believe his eyes. This was like turning a page of a book and wondering why there was no following until you noticed there was one page missing. It was almost hilarious to watch. He stood here a little lost though. Slowly he looked around.

"How's your arm?" he heard that woman ask.

He turned and almost jumped aside, finding her standing next to him and observing it carefully.

"It hurts a little," he answered silently and immediately wondered why he said anything at all.

"Well, you shouldn't strain yourself yet," she said and rushed over to the table, pulling a chair to him. "Sit down. I insist."

"You wouldn't wanna start a fight with Shirley," that huge guy laughed. "She has her ways to convince you, so you better do what she says right away."

Shirley? The boy's face froze on him, but slowly, very slowly, he sat down on that chair. Only seconds later he found himself surrounded by the four of them and all kinds of food and a cup of tea in front of him. They all rushed around to make everything as comfortable as possible for him and sat down next to him as soon as they were convinced he couldn't complain anymore. Not that he did say anything in the first place.

And once more, he noticed their eyes on him.

"So...er... You all live here?" he asked hesitantly, looking from one to the other.

"Why yes dear," the tall guy answered in a high pitched voice.

The boy's head snapped up again hearing it.

"This is like a shared apartment," he explained, smiling at him widely. "You've heard of something like that before, haven't you?"

"Yes," he answered. "Just not in this part of the city."

"Oh well, we all stranded here after meeting Roger," Shirley said in return. "There was quite some trouble in each of our lives and well we weren't allowed to w...I mean..."

He watched Kevin poking her side with his elbow.

"We decided to share this because...," she added but seemed lost somehow.

"It's a financial arrangement," the beefy guy interrupted. "This way it's much easier to afford something like that."

"Why the Upper East Side?" the boy grinned at them. He would have given it everything he had, he was right...

"Oh well," Kevin said. "It's a nice place to stay. Quiet and calm and..."

"Not too dangerous," the tall one joined in.

"Dangerous?"

"NO! No," Kevin coughed twice and then smiled again. "He didn't mean dangerous. I mean ha ha ...What's dangerous anyway? It's not like...like people were, you know, judging..."

"KEVIN!" the others poo pooed him almost instantly.

"I understand," the boy replied giggling slightly and holding his hand to his mouth.

"You do?" The tall man looked at him surprised and all the others froze in their actions and stared at him again.

There it was again. That hint of fear.

"It's safer to hide somewhere in the city than let's say a place like Christopher Street," the boy grinned at them.

Their eyes grew to new dimensions and told him that moment he was on the right track.

"No way!"

"What are you fantasizing about in your little head?"

"You must have been bumped harder than we thought!"

"Why would we have anything to do with that street?"

He laughed silently.

"Oh please," he answered, looking from one to the other. He seemed to be pretty amused by them. "Allow me a guess. You all were fired and thrown out of your places when they found out."

"Found out?" Kevin jeered a little uncertain and tried hard to sound casual even though he was tense. "Found out what?"

"Found out you were gay," the boy smiled at him openly. "Probably all of you."

They stared at him again in an unbelieving way.

"Oh yesssss," the boy grinned again. "I guess that's it exactly."

The four of them looked at each other in guilt and then lowered their heads as if they were embarrassed.

"Was it that obvious?" Shirley asked silently.

"Yes," the boy laughed, nodding his head cheerfully. "But don't worry, I guess no one will find you here. No one would expect people like," he stopped in the middle of the sentence and his face turned blank again. "Well, no one will search for you here."

They held their gazes for a moment, but then all of them smiled again warmly.

"So you're not gonna tell on us?" the tall man asked.

"Why should I?"

"I'm Brian," the beefy guy said suddenly and almost slipped over the table to shake his hand delightedly. "I told you he wasn't gonna tell."

"Shirley," the woman smiled at him and suddenly the boy was sure she really was a woman.

He smiled back at her, nodding once.

"I'm Kevin. I told you already," Kevin said again in a friendly way.

"Scott!" the tall one said.

The boy smiled at them. How curious. He'd never expected he'd find himself in a queer apartment after all and as strange as they seemed at first, they appeared to be warm and friendly even though a little craziness hung like a cloud over them. It almost made him laugh. Who would have thought of that?

"So how do we call you?" another voice behind him sounded and made him whirl around.

He almost fell off the chair. There he was again.

The guy who'd convinced him to come here in the first place stood in the door-frame with his arms folded and his shoulder leaned to the white wood. He looked serious though.

The boy bit his lips and lowered his eyes again. There was something intimidating about this one and right now he felt his heart sink again. The carefree manner of his roommates was somehow completely missing in him. And he looked so sinister somehow.

"Don't be so rushing on him Roger," Scott said to him. "He's shy."

"Shy or not," Roger replied, moving towards him in quick steps. "Are you going to shut up about this or not?"

"I..."

"Yes or No?"

"Yes, I..."

"Good enough," Roger said and moved over to the sink. He grabbed a glass from a shelve and poured himself a bit of water which he swallowed in no time.

"Heaven's Roger," Kevin got up, looking at him. "What's that mood?"

"He's had a long night," Shirley grinned at Kevin.

"That guy from the bar?" Brian grinned at the tall man. "Seriously? Are you starting to live again?"

"Would you stay out of this?" Roger answered angrily. "Why the hell did you bring him down here?"

"Oh, he woke up and...," Kevin started but got interrupted rather quickly.

"I can see that!" Roger flamed him. "But he wasn't supposed to get up yet. Hell, he's injured still Kevin!"

"I only though it was nice for him to meet everyone," Kevin tried to explain.

"And risk the progress of two days just because you queens couldn't wait?" Roger bellowed.

"Hey!" Shirley said defending herself.

"I'm fine," the boy interrupted shyly.

"I expected you to say that of course," Roger turned to him.

He immediately flinched and felt his body stiffen. This man was scaring him a lot. And he couldn't even explain why. He'd never done anything to him. At least not in a physical way. Plus he didn't know about the past two days.

"But you shouldn't be out here already," the tall man continued and came closer still. "I don't want you to collapse again. Not on my expense."

"I never asked you to..."

"Yeah spare me," he waved his arm once and turned towards the door again. "Lie down. No discussions. And tell them your name for heaven's sake. They've been guessing for days and I am tired of hearing it."

"Roger, he doesn't remember," Kevin tried to interfere.

But Roger simply jeered.

"Yeah right," he said, stepping closer to the boy again.

He grabbed the chair he was sitting on and pulled it closer to himself, holding his hands so he wasn't able to slip away underneath him. The boy leaned back as good as possible, looking scared. He held his arm again and almost didn't dare to breathe. Those brown eyes were piercing him.

"Next thing you're gonna tell them is you don't know how you got battered like that, right?" he said and appeared more than dangerous suddenly. "Well, let me tell you this. I don't think you don't know how this happened. And I warn you once not to play any games. Don't try anything. I will notice."

"You were the one bringing me here," the boy gasped under his grip, almost bending over the backrest of that chair.

"Yeah and you gratefully took my help if I remember right," Roger nodded and jeered again sarcastically. "Well I did help you. You're welcome. And now it's your turn to help me and recover. And this won't happen if you sit here, gossiping with them."

"I never asked you to," the boy replied with his eyes teared wide open.

"No Darling," Roger answered and for a second something like a smile appeared on his face. "I know you didn't. But sad for you, I am responsible now. I told you before. It concerns me now as well. So please. I beg you only once: Look after yourself while you're here."

He let go of him as quickly as he'd grabbed him and moved towards the door.

"And Darling?" he said, stopping shortly without turning.

The boy didn't look up but stared straight ahead with wide eyes.

"At least think of something we can call you," he said.

Then he turned to the corridor and vanished from their sights.

The kitchen was silent for a moment. None of them seemed to breathe anymore and their eyes were still fixated on the door. Unbelievable. Then they all seemed to exhale slowly, shaking their heads.

"He can be such a pain in the ass," Scott said, grabbing his cup once more and sipping a bit.

"Probably that guy was a disappointment," Shirley grinned at him. "He always gets like that when it happens and he didn't sleep the night."

"You shouldn't take his words to seriously," Kevin said, putting his hand on the boy's shoulder comfortingly. "He's usually a very nice guy."

The boy lifted his head and looked at him shocked. There were tears of horror in his eyes.

"How can you say that?" he asked a little out of breath. "That man is horrible."

"No, he is not," Brian answered calmly. "He really did worry about you a lot. You just caught him in a bad mood."

"I've gotta get outta here," the boy said and got up.

He immediately grabbed the backrest of that chair though, as his feet wouldn't carry him that quickly. Kevin rushed by his side.

"You know he was right in a way," Kevin said. "You definitely should recover first."

"I can't stay here," the boy looked at him shocked. "Not with this choleric person around."

"You know, he pays for your treatment," Shirley's voice sounded and made him look up at her in surprise. "He was the one insisting on you staying here and getting the medical treatment you needed."

"She's right," Scott agreed. "We wanted to get rid of you immediately. It was Roger who was defending you all along."

"Why?" the boy asked weakly. "He doesn't seem like such a person at all."

The four of them shrugged.

"Maybe he saw something in you we weren't able to," Scott answered and turned to look at him blankly. "You shouldn't judge that easily."

"Listen...Darling," Kevin addressed him again.

"Darling?"

"Well, we gotta call you something since you can't tell us your name," he grinned at him. "And I guess to make you feel a bit better about Roger we should use his name for a while."

Darling didn't respond, but stared at him with wide eyes. This just couldn't be true. But then Kevin smiled again and it kind of soothed him a bit.

"Can we agree on you staying until you are able to walk again and your shoulder is completely mended?" he asked. "It'll take some weeks, but I promise you, none of us will stop you then. You can leave. Whenever you like. But please. We all will be worrying sick if you go now."

"Plus Roger will kill us if we let you," Shirley laughed unimpressed.

"Please," Kevin ignored her and fixated on Darling. "I promise I'll do my best to keep Roger away from you if he scares you that much."

"We all will," Brian said, getting up. "We know him best. And we can surely convince him to stay low until you feel able to stand up against him."

Darling looked from one to the other. They seemed so determined this guy wasn't like he just experienced. And after all they meant well. He knew that.

He sighed and rubbed over his face with his hand. He was becoming calmer again. That first shock vanished slowly, he could feel it. And actually, he had to admit he had nowhere else to go right now.

So, he nodded slowly.

"Thank you," Kevin smiled at him. "Come on then. I'll bring you back upstairs."

"It was a pleasure to having met you, Darling," Shirley smiled at him.

"If you'll need anything, just call for us," Scott added quickly.

"And try to relax a little," Brian winked at him.

Darling turned without a response though and followed Kevin, who put his arm around his shoulder in a comforting way. He did this partly for them too. They seemed nice. All of them. But he was certain about one thing:

Never would he get used to that Roger. That lunatic...

~To be continued~

Chapter 3: Hold your head high

Chapter Text

"You should cut your hair!"

"What's wrong with my hair?"

Scott kept bothering him with the idea of cutting them for days. And right now Darling was standing with him in the living room while he had his hands covered in rubber gloves and scrubbing the many side tables and chairs.

"It's too long," Scott said, smiling to himself and not looking up.

"You think?" Darling stroked through it with one hand, watching Scott doing his cleaning.

His hair had always been a little tangled and it had gotten longer during the past two weeks. Now it was almost curly he had to admit, but it was hardly leaving his neck still. Scott kept complaining about it though. Basically because the muddled strands were casually falling in his face lately. He didn't mind though. In fact he kind of embraced a different look somehow. But actually he secretly admired their way to see things and all of them somehow had an eye for whatever looked good and what didn't even though they didn't quite knew how to use it for themselves.

He was sitting on a very old bench seat upholstered in red velvet. One of many old furniture in this strange house. Darling had long but gotten used to it though. Only sometimes one of them caught his eye still and he seriously started to wonder how they were able to afford all this. None of this house's residents would tell him really. But then again he didn't ever really ask about it. He'd just hoped someone would let slip that little information in their conversations. And yes, he did make more and more contact to them each day. And they seemed to enjoy his presence more and more. At first they came into his room every day for a few hours to keep him company. And by and by Darling opened up to them a little. His first impression hadn't been wrong though. They were a little crazy indeed. All of them. But they meant well and he really started to like the time he spent with them.

The next step had been leaving that damn room. He felt bored being in there. He got used to the view out of that window into the street very quickly and he had been wandering around his 'white cage' a thousand times over. First he'd sneaked out a couple of times during the day and just strolled around the house, trying hard to remember everything and finally find a way through it. His own little rebellion as he called it in his head. And what did this guy expect? That he stayed in there like a prisoner? No, he was way too well trained in breaking out of rules and people telling him what to do. But of course it didn't take too long and he got caught. Luckily it had been Kevin. The chubby man had simply smiled at him when he almost bumped into him in one of the corridors and had handed over a couple of fabric rolls he was carrying.

"You can help me," he'd said.

Darling had been spending that afternoon with him, handing him fabrics every now and then or sometimes only a safety pin or two. Kevin was sewing a lot. Or so it seemed. He'd shown him his atelier as he called it. A huge room near the attic which – oh surprise – had been painted white entirely. He kept a handful of mannequins in there and used them to create colorful and glittering clothes. He'd shown him his works too. Darling had been impressed. He'd never imagined someone doing this as a hobby, but then Kevin had told him it was his job to do it. And his talent for that matter. But even then he had failed to say a single word about what exactly he did for a living. If Darling had guessed though, he would have bet it had something to do with show business. Or burlesque shows.

After that one afternoon things got a little easier for him. Usually one of them waited outside his room or inconspicuously wandered past it and knocked twice whenever Roger had left the house or it was at least safe for him to come out. He didn't like him strolling around and he still was of the opinion if their guest stayed in bed it'd be safer for him. Which it probably was. But Roger's roommates seemed to understand the boredom Darling felt and helped him getting out every time.

This morning had been no exception. As soon as Roger left the house to go wherever he was going all day long the four of them stood at the end of that semi-circle stairs and smiled at each other.

"Come on out," Shirley had yelled up to him.

As soon as Darling peaked out of the room smiling at them, Brian had added:

"He's gone. Don't be shy. I guess he won't be back until midnight."

They all had run off to do their chores then. Darling had been walking around, talking a bit to everyone now and then and finally had sat down next to Scott in the huge living room.

"You need a little color in here," he said, dreamily staring into space.

"Color?" For once Scott looked up to him.

"Yes, just a few dots to loosen that white in white," Darling smiled at him. "It's a little depressing after a while."

Scott laughed.

"I'd say you need something to do," he grinned. "Sitting around all day long must bring a certain amount of boredom. Here..."

He threw a tea towel at him, which Darling caught with his left hand. He was getting better and better using it.

"Make yourself useful," he smiled. "You can easily wipe those shelves with just one arm."

Darling moaned and got up. That's not what he really meant, but he had to admit he kind of enjoyed it after a while. At least it was something he could do. He'd wondered of course why they did all that. After all it couldn't be hard for them to hire someone to keep the house clean. But then again, they were so afraid of someone might noticing. And certainly it was a problem in this part of the city.

Dully he wiped past a few porcelain vases and something that looked like silvery crystal decoration in the shapes of human bodies. Darling frowned slightly. Why would someone put that up? Not exactly beautiful. But then the engravings on bottom of those hideous things caught his attention.

'Roger DeBris' they all said. Some of them even had a year underneath the name.

Darling put aside that towel for a moment and took one of them. They were heavier than they looked to be honest. Turning them once or twice he sighed. There was nothing else.

"Be careful with them," he heard Scott speak and turned to look at him. "Roger surely would kill me if you break them."

Darling jeered.

"He disapproves of a lot of things, doesn't he?" he asked, putting that thing back where it belonged.

"Not really," Scott smiled at him and stepped closer. "It's just as though you're holding his life in your hands. And I guess no one would like to see that in shatters."

"His life?"

"They're awards," Scott nodded and pointed at the one he'd just had in his hands. "This one was his first. The very symbol for what he could achieve when he didn't believe in himself at all."

Darling looked at them once more. Awards for what? He couldn't think of anything that bad tempered man would earn something like that for. But of course they knew him better. Apart from their little talk in the kitchen they hadn't spoken one word to one another until now. And being honest to himself Darling didn't want to change that. Usually he hid from his eyes and even when he was in the kitchen in the evenings with Shirley or Brian, he always hurried a lot whenever he knew Roger was home. Once or twice he'd been passing the kitchen door, but he never said anything. At least not to him. And he usually wasn't alone. In fact there hadn't been one night he didn't bring anyone with him. Usually men he'd never seen before in that house and also he never saw them again. He'd witnessed the others every time. They kept their mouths shut about it, but sometimes Shirley would grin at one of them knowingly or Kevin would roll his eyes, whispering 'Not again'. Only once their eyes had met. Darling had stood right next to Kevin when Roger had walked past them and pushed Anonymous the Twentieth into another door. As hard as he'd tried, Darling hadn't been able to turn his gaze away. Roger had stopped though right in the door-frame as though he'd felt his eyes on him. He'd held his stare for a moment but his face had remained blank. And then he'd turned and followed that guy without a comment, closing that door behind him silently.

All in all Darling's impression of that guy hadn't changed much. This guy was grumpy and bossy and in a way so intimidating even his roommates seemed to do everything he wanted. What a jerk. Everyone who even thought of giving him an award must be as idiotic as Mr. Rich-And-Noble-But-Afraid-Of-Someone-Might-Notice-I'm-Gay as well.

"He's got you under his thumb completely, hasn't he?" Darling murmured, but only noticed he'd said it when Scott looked at him wide-eyed.

Darling's face flushed immediately.

"Sorry," he turned his head away, grabbing that towel once more and moving to the next shelve. "I didn't mean to insult you."

"You didn't," Scott replied. "But you don't know him the way we do. So it's a little unfair to say that."

"Well excuse me. All I see is you doing everything to make his life comfortable while he's screwing a new guy every night," Darling whirled around, his voice rising.

"You should talk to him and you'd understand," Scott replied calmly. He didn't move at all, just kept staring back at him.

"I won't," Darling answered and turned away, wiping the next shelve angrily.

"Don't be so stubborn," Scott said. "I'm pretty sure you'd get along well."

"He doesn't want me here," Darling replied silently. "He's shown it too well. And I think it's better not to get used to all this. After all I'll leave soon anyway."

He heard Scott laugh silently.

"You're not so different, you know? I mean Roger and you."

He focused on that shelve. Why did this make him so angry? Being compared to that guy shouldn't bother him at all, yet it did. He wasn't like that. What did they know anyway. All they knew about him contained two weeks and a few conversations. And it hadn't been his choice to be with them.

He kept on scrubbing harder trying to distract himself, but somehow the image of that man pulling just another guy behind him into the house made him sick. He was exactly that sort of homosexual who caused the bad reputation everywhere. But why did it cause such anger in him? He shouldn't care at all.

His thoughts were interrupted when he accidentally bumped a framed picture and teared it down. He was able to catch it by stemming his chest against it before it fell down to the ground though and quickly grabbed it, letting go of that towel.

Darling took it and slowly put it back in place. But he was bound to look at it closer and only then recognized the people on that very old looking photograph. And for a second he didn't quite believe his own eyes.

"I told you," Scott's voice reappeared behind him. He must have gotten closer to him now staring over his shoulder.

It was them. All of them. Much younger of course, but still there they were. In that picture. All of them smiling into the camera. Roger was in their midst and had his arms around their shoulders. They stood on something that looked like a stage. At least the little rest of a curtain that was to be seen indicated it.

"You see, we all wouldn't be here the way we are," Scott spoke again, watching his face change. "If it hadn't been for him."

"Well with that attitude for sure," Darling snorted and was about to turn again.

But Scott held him back this time. Whirling around once more Darling looked into his face once more which had changed to a more reproachful look.

"Hey, he's had to face a lot of shit himself," he said a bit sharper. "You're really not in the position to say anything against that."

"Why not?" Darling shook his hand away. "You forgot it was him dragging me here. But I am not exactly a case for this nuthouse. Whatever he did to you I bet it started with some little favor, hasn't it? After all that's all he does all day long."

"Listen you know nothing," Scott sounded angry now too. "No matter what you think you might have seen, you don't know half of it."

"Tell me then," Darling shouted back. "Isn't that how it works? Telling the inmate the whole story at a certain point? You can very well start now then."

"Inmate?"

Scott's anger vanished. He stepped back a little but his gaze never left Darling, who looked away quickly. He bit his lips knowing perfectly well he shouldn't have said that.

"Is that how you see yourself?" Scott asked a little taken aback.

"I'm sorry," Darling murmured.

"He took you in," Scott continued. "He took care of you when no one else did. And he still cares, even though he doesn't show it to you."

"I don't care what he does," Darling replied loudly. "He should have left me out there. I wasn't his problem."

"How can you say that?"

"Because that's how it was supposed to be," Darling answered now very quietly.

Scott watched him for a moment. He hadn't been wrong at all. The young man had been through a lot obviously. And maybe it really had been only his exhaustion that made him agree to come here in the first place. Roger had mentioned a feeling; something he hadn't been able to explain to him. And he knew for sure his friend never had been someone to abandon a boy like that. But still he had no idea what had driven those two together that day. Neither of them had spoken about it. But there was something about Darling he must admit. And he could tell Roger saw it too. After all Scott was quite certain the presence of their young guest was the very reason for Roger returning to his 'normal' life again. And even if that boy disagreed, it was good to see him out of that strange phase he'd been in lately.

"Don't you think it's time to tell us what happened?" Scott asked hesitantly. "No one gets wounds like yours just by walking the streets and to be honest we've been puzzling a lot about it."

Darling remained silent. He just shook his head hardly visible and closed his eyes. Scott could tell he was close to tears being reminded of whatever there was that kept torturing him.

"Do you even have anywhere to go at all?" he kept asking. "A family? Friends?...A partner?"

Darling teared open his eyes in shock hearing his words and whirled around. Scott backed away a little. He didn't intend to upset him like that, yet he could see that question aroused something that hadn't been there before.

But Darling's eyes simply kept on piercing him; fearful and frightened. Then, without any further words spoken he turned and ran up the stairs again.

Scott followed him slowly, but stopped in the door just looking after him. He closed his eyes then and smirked.

"Just what we'd expected," he thought.

….

"He hasn't come out yet?"

Shirley asked him during dinner. Scott had told them about Darling's reaction and apologized a hundred times over for seemingly having driven him away. Obviously something about his notion aroused some kind of rather dark memories in the young man. He'd locked himself into that room and hadn't replied to anything. Naturally Scott had tried to talk to him but darling had neither answered nor opened the door.

"I wonder what really happened," Brian said, looking at Shirley. "If he reacted like that it must have been worse than we expected."

"I'm pretty sure it's not at all," Scott answered sincerely.

"I agree," Kevin joined them. "He is no street-kid. Or haven't been for long. Have you ever seen them? He's not like that."

"Well, whatever it was make sure Roger doesn't find out about it," Shirley waved her ladle at them warningly. "If he finds out you've upset him we're done."

"If he finds out about that it'll be all our heads," Kevin replied to her casually, jeering slightly and shaking his head at her in disbelief. "He would find out we've let him get up and stroll around the house all day long."

"Right," Shirley agreed and lowered her arm again.

"Well and what now?" Brian asked. "We're starting from scratch again if he decides to remain silent."

"Maybe that's what he wants," Scott answered.

"Oh please," Shirley looked at him, rolling her eyes. "He's a child. He doesn't know what he wants."

"Now come on, he's not a child," Scott turned his head towards her, letting his hands fall on the table. "And we should stop treating him like one."

"He's right," Brian agreed. "He sure is younger than you or me but look at him. He must be in his mid-twenties. I don't know for sure but no...definitely not a child anymore."

"And he probably went through a lot," Kevin thought about it too. "I mean just remember the first day he came here. Did he say something about those injuries at all?"

All their eyes focused on Scott that very moment. But the tall man just shook his head.

"No, not a word," he answered. "But if you allow me to guess it's the oldest lesson in history..."

"History?" Shirley asked, raising her eyebrows. "What history?"

"Ours for example," Scott looked up at her and grinned slightly. "Yours and mine. And everyone else's."

"What do you mean?" Kevin asked; his eyes fixated on him.

"Darling's gay," Scott replied with a never known certainty. "And he probably got thrown out and got caught in the crossfire somewhere. Probably someone else noticed and disliked it. Easy as that."

"Do you really think that?" Brian interrupted him.

Scott simply nodded again. And then he got up and wandered through the kitchen, stopping at the huge window. He leaned to the wall and kept staring outside; his arms crossed in front of his body.

"You should have seen his eyes," he spoke very quiet now, just as though he feared someone who shouldn't might hear him. "When I asked him. So shocked. And so frightful. Believe me, this must be the reason why he agreed so quickly not to tell anyone what he saw here. He's one of us. It's not so hard to see if you look closely though. He tries to hide it, but every single one of his movements is a clue. I'm more surprised we didn't notice earlier."

The other three listened carefully. And as soon as Scott had mentioned his little theory they looked at each other again. He had a point. A good one too. Being quite frank the signs had been more than obvious. Darling had found out about them in a heart-beat. He had been the first to mention Christopher Street too; a place no one would think about if said person had no clue at all what happened there. And even though his arm was still bandaged and in a sling he'd always had a way in moving too lightly; nigh graceful. They often had compared it to dancing when they'd been talking about him.

So yes, it was quite possible. More a Probability for sure. And one look at one another was enough to know each of them was agreeing to that.

"So what do we do now?" Kevin asked after a while.

"'Bout what?" Scott turned his head to him again.

"Well, with us gone tonight and him locked in that room up there," Kevin spoke again. "Couldn't that cause, you know... some problems?"

"True," Shirley propped up her head with her hand, thinking about it.

"We'll have to tell him then," Brian said defiantly.

"But he'll..."

"Oh for heaven's sake," he got up rather quickly. "Even if he doesn't answer, he'll listen. And if you don't dare it, then I'm gonna do it."

He pushed his chair to the side and with large steps went out of the kitchen. The rest of them remained where they were baffled for a moment. But then they all got up as quickly as their feet carried them too and ran after him.

Arriving at the huge white door they all stopped though. Brian had his hand lifted but it held it in midair as well. Hesitantly he looked over his shoulder to his roommates.

They all stood very close to each other and reminded him for a moment of a legion of owls all looking at him with wide eyes which weren't blinking at all. But then Shirley gestured to him to go on.

Brian took a deep breath and much gentler than intended he knocked at the door.

"Darling?"

No answer. Of course not.

"Listen, uh...," he started slowly. "We won't be here this evening and we thought you might wanna know. You know. In case you thought about coming out again."

They waited for what seemed an eternity but no reaction followed. So their bodies relaxed a little and they all exhaled deeply. Just what they'd expected. Again. Brian turned to look at them once more, but as soon as he saw his friends shaking their head simultaneously he sighed too.

So, he turned and was about to leave with the others again, who turned on their heels and already tip-toed down two or three steps when suddenly the sound of an unlocking door made them freeze again.

The huge gate-like door opened and then the face of Darling appeared behind them again. He looked horrible. Paler than before and much sadder than before. He had his head lowered and looked at them from underneath the strands that till fell into his face.

"Hey honey," Kevin smiled at him and stepped a little closer again. "Are you okay?"

Darling nodded and looked as though nothing had happened at all. Maybe he just needed some time with himself to face his demons. They weren't sure though.

"Listen sweetheart, we're sorry for what happened," Scott said silently, rubbing his neck. "We didn't mean to upset you. And I surely didn't mean to rush you into anything."

"I know," Darling replied hoarsely, turning his head away giving the impression it still hurt him a lot.

So they hadn't been wrong. He was only putting on a show.

"You don't have to speak about it if you don't want to," Shirley agreed with Scott.

"Where are you going?" Darling asked shyly and turned to them again. He had a way in changing the topic each time.

The four of them looked at each other for a moment. There surely was no harm in telling him.

"We'll visit Christopher Street," Brian replied softly.

Just hearing the name of that street made Darling tense again. They could easily see it. His body stiffened again and even though he tried not to show it, a horrified spark was there in his eyes within a second.

"We'd ask you to come along, but...," Shirley started, but Darling quickly stepped back a little.

His hand wandered up his injured arm and he held it once more just as though the pure mention of that street brought back the pain he'd felt a few weeks ago. Quickly he shook his head though.

"No, don't worry about that," he tried to hide it behind a weak smile. "I'll get along. When will you be back?"

"Can't tell yet," Brian answered once more. "We just wanted to let you know. You might not want to stroll around tonight."

"And in case you're hungry," Kevin jumped in. "I'll bring you something up when we're leaving."

Darling looked at them still smiling, but they could tell he wasn't really fixating them. It was as though he saw right through them that moment. As if he was just listening without really getting what they said to him.

"It's alright," he said then and much to their surprise, his voice was almost gone. "See you tomorrow then."

"No trying to flee then?" Brian asked sincerely. All of them had that question in mind but only now someone dared to really speak it out loud.

Darling shook his head though.

"I promised not to," he replied. "And I won't break my word. You just have fun. I'll stay in there..."

Thus he turned again and vanished into that 'prison' as he obviously still saw the room as. The four friends shared confused looks once more. Was it too early? No, he said it didn't matter to him. And he didn't seem to mind at all. He even agreed on staying where he was. But his face. It spoke volumes. He didn't really seem to like Christopher Street at all. But they knew there was no chance in asking him why. This conversation was over. So they turned their backs on the door again and moved downstairs.

….

He sat on that bed just staring out of the window. While he kept the lights switched off he was perfectly able to see everything that was going on outside. And even though he only was able to see the facade of the house on the other side of the street it kind of soothed him. The windows there were brightly lit and from time to time he was able to sneak a peek at the people living there. A young couple, so it seemed. A young red-haired woman and a tall blonde handsome man. They were passing the windows from time to time and Darling enjoyed their presence somehow, even though he knew it wasn't really as though they noticed him in any way.

They sat on a gray comfortable looking couch right now, snuggled together underneath a brown fluffy blanket. She was reading in a book which lay in her lap while his head softly rested on her head. He wore a loving smile while stroking through her fiery hair gently, always pulling out one of her long strands. Sometimes she would look up to him or kiss him on the cheek. But every time they smiled at each other and then there always was that look in their eyes.

Darling knew that look. He'd known it himself. But it seemed so long ago. An eternity even. And in a way it made him always a little sentimental. Still he longed for nightfall each day to witness that little piece of familiar comfort which brought him a kind of warmth he couldn't explain himself. All he knew was he had been longing for exactly that kind of familiarity, or love or whatever you want to call it, himself.

But he was ripped out of his little daydream abruptly when he heard the sound of voices coming from downstairs. He lifted his head for a moment and listened carefully. It was them. They laughed and talked just the way they always did. Just as though he wasn't there. But then again, he couldn't even blame them. They had their lives. And they needed to live them. Just because everything he'd had and everything he'd known had been taken away from him didn't mean others should stop living as well. He knew that. And yet he felt like a stranger even more. This house and everything was so horribly unfamiliar. He wondered every day why he still woke up here and how on earth he came to be in that strange surrounding. What sadistic little twist of fate made up that path for him? Being here reminded him too much. Of everything that had happened and everything he'd lost. They were happy. And they surely deserved to be. But why did he have to witness it?

Darling snuggled closer to his knees and rested his head on them, watching the four friends leaving the house.

Christopher Street. Of course they had to go there. And why not? It was one of the few places they could be who they were. He knew. And as much as they tried to hide themselves out there, it was good not having to do it even if it was just for one night. They'd surely made bad experience as well. Scott even mentioned it. Roger sort f saved them.

Darling jeered slightly and closed his eyes. Yeah for sure. That person...

He must have screwed his way through the lot of them and then kept them there as his rightful housemaids.

But suddenly he teared his eyes wide open again. Again that guy crossed his mind. How curious. Why? He didn't care about him at all. They had only exchanged one look every since he had threatened him. Yet his mind constantly brought him back to this man. Why on earth did he agree to come with him? There had been nothing he'd said that had made Darling believe him.

But funny enough he seemed so much more friendly on that day. He remembered it clearly. Was that just a trick to get him here? What if he never would him let go again? No, he wouldn't dare. And if he dared he wouldn't succeed. His shoulder was getting better day by day. And surely he'd recover from his aching rips soon too. He was determined to run then. Far away from this psycho.

Darling looked at his hand for once. Those eyes. He just couldn't forget them. The way they looked at him when he shook his hand for the first time. So intense. So determined to do everything possible to help him. Almost as though another person had spoken through him.

And he still felt his touch on his body when he lifted him up in the air and carried him the moment he wasn't able to walk anymore. He'd been certain he'd die that very night; that this torture had to be over soon, but no. That Roger had upset his plans right away. And funny enough it felt so safe back then. In his arms. With his head leaned on his chest. As much as Darling had feared everything and everyone that moment he still remembered how sure he had been nothing was gonna hurt him as long as that guy watched over him.

The young man gasped and quickly shook his head. He felt his face flushing and getting embarrassingly hot. Quickly he got up from the bed.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" he whispered to himself.

This was ridiculous. He hadn't known what he'd engaged himself in back then. He hadn't known a bit of that man. No, he'd shown his true colors for the first time here. He was crazy. A pervert and a choleric loner. He didn't even spent his days in this house even though there was a bunch of lovable friends admiring the very ground he walked on. And now he was holding Darling captive in that shade of a 'normal' life disguise.

No, he couldn't let that happen. Darling got up. Never would he allow himself to become one of them. Never would he kiss this jerk's bum. And he wouldn't hide in here just because he didn't want him to see whatever he was hiding.

Darling marched out of the room in wide steps. He held his head out in the corridor and listened carefully. No sounds. None at all.

"Of course there can't be, silly," he reminded himself.

With everyone gone, he was alone. In this huge cage. So he might as well could find out now. He could try to get some answers to the many questions he had. And he needed to prove to himself he was right.

Silently he sneaked down the stairs. Once or twice he asked himself why he was being so careful. With no one around he could very well walk normally, yet somehow his whole body was tense. It was wrong to do that and he knew it. But right now he didn't care at all. He needed to know. Needed one little evidence to show them this guy was not the saint they took him for.

He went past the kitchen. His own footsteps echoed from the walls. It felt so strange. He'd only known this house filled with people. Being alone in here almost carried along something scary. Even the huge paintings looked different somehow being alone in here. Everything had something dangerous about it. Surely the night and the darkness and the missing noise did the trick too, but right now it felt more like walking a maze than anything else.

Darling stopped in front of another huge door. He turned once, seeing the familiar kitchen-entrance behind him. He'd never been in this part of the corridor before. And he knew why. His heart pounded against his chest when he turned to look at that door-knob.

This was Roger's room. He never came close to it and he never thought about it before. Too scary was the idea of facing that guy. And seeing what was insight that room. But he simply had to know right now. No one needed to know he was doing this after all. So slowly he turned the door-knob and opened the door. It squeaked. Must be the old wood for sure, but he couldn't shake the feeling of it sounding like a warning right now. Don't go any further.

This was silly. A door, that's what it was. Nothing else.

Darling pushed it open gently. At first he wasn't able to see anything. It was dark in there. Of course. Why should there be light when Roger wasn't here at all.

Slowly he stepped over the threshold and entered the room. A cold wind blew in his face. He looked around. He was hardly able to see anything still, even though his eyes got used to the darkness quickly. So Darling turned and switched on the light. A small window at the end of a surprisingly small room was still open and made the curtains fly like ghosts through the windows.

He looked around. Much to his surprise this place wasn't really anything special. In fact it looked like a closet. Small and dark, with one tiny bed in the right corner and a chair in the left. A bunch of clothes were flung loosely over its armrest. But apart from that there was nothing. No pictures. No closets. Nothing. And one thing caught his eyes immediately. This place wasn't white. As a matter of fact it seemed to be the only room in this palace that looked more like a storeroom with the cold gray stone walls and an old brown wooden floor.

Was this how he lived? Darling's eyes widened. He surely never believed that. And he had been so certain to know exactly what he would find. But no.

This place was spotless. And tiny. If he hadn't witnessed it himself he'd sworn Roger only came here to sleep and nothing more.

How very strange. Roger never once had given the impression of living this ascetic. Especially not in a house like that.

And for a moment Darling had no idea what to think at all. Slowly he sank onto that tiny bed. He felt he had to sit down, if only for a second. How could this be? Had he been that wrong all the time? No, that guy brought people here. Another man every night. How the hell did he explain that?

Darling turned his head slightly. The chair with that bunch of clothes stared at him mockingly. It was only a bundle of cloth. Not even enough to go on for a week. But Roger had always been dressed perfectly.

Darling stretched out his hand and grabbed the first garment on top of that heap. Hesitantly he pulled it closer to himself and observed it. A coat? Yes. A charcoal-gray coat.

And for a second he thought his heart stopped. It was the one he'd worn the day he had brought him here. The one Darling had got to know so closely, having fallen asleep in his arms while Roger had put exactly that piece of clothing around his shaking body.

He couldn't believe it. He turned his head once more and it was then he noticed that every single garment on that chair was exactly the outfit Roger had worn that day. No more and no less.

It confused him deeply. He'd been here since two weeks already. Why didn't he ever notice that this guy lived like that? Well, okay. Basically because he'd tried everything to stay out of the way of this one. But why didn't he just throw that stuff away? Or wash it at least. Brian would be delighted to get this rag into his hands for sure.

Darling stared at this thing in his hands. Why would he keep that? He could clearly see the blood that still stuck to it. That cloth. He still remembered it. And it still felt exactly the same. And all of this was more than confusing. How could someone turn the image he was giving to the outside around without even being there? Darling felt like being hypnotized. This wasn't possible. He acted rough and grumpy but everything he'd found until now didn't underline one single conclusion at all.

So slowly Darling pulled that coat a little closer until his face almost touched it. That man. Once more he saw him in front of him. Those dark eyes. They had been looking deep insight his soul. Or at least that's what it felt like. There simply had been no escaping him.

He lifted that coat a little and inhaled deeply. His scent was still sticking to it. It was as though his hands were carrying him again that very moment. He felt his grip. Strong but soft. Darling closed his eyes. And just for that moment he was there again. In that little alley. Covered in blood but protected by his arms which softly held him close to his body.

And the very next moment Darling teared his eyes wide open as he noticed his heart pounding against his chest fiercely. Shocked, he threw that coat away from himself and got up, stepping back a little. But still he wasn't able to turn his gaze down.
Why did his head bring that scene back to him over and over again? This was scary and in a way not at all like himself. Maybe it was that house. And all those people in here. He could kick himself noticing he was seemingly falling for his bluff more and more. Maybe it was the first stage of becoming just what they all are now. But no. He couldn't allow that. He just couldn't.

But why did his heart beat so fast each time he thought about him?

His head rose high up in the air in horror as he suddenly heard the front door opening.

Shit. How long had he been in here? It wasn't good if any of them saw him in here. He couldn't give them the satisfaction of finding him being curious about the man they all were wrong about. He didn't expect them back so quickly though. And suddenly a slight fear appeared in him. He must get out of here. Switch off the lights and run. And somehow quietly vanish into that white hell up there again.

He started to hurry towards the door of Roger's chamber and was just about to leave. One quick turn again just to check if everything was still the way he'd found it.

He was already half out of the room and just felt the wall for the light switch when he turned his head and froze. His jaw dropped and he didn't dare to breathe. As much as he wanted to run he was petrified.

In front of him stood neither Brian nor Kevin nor anyone else of that merry group but Roger himself who looked down at him with a blank face. Immediately Darling felt a knot in his stomach. That overwhelming fear. There it was again. So what now? He didn't expect him of all people and he caught him. Right here. Invading his privacy when he wasn't even allowed to leave the cage he'd built for him.

Roger didn't move though. He just kept staring back at the younger man. A mixture of shock and disbelief was written in his face and he had his arm raised still, probably to open the door, but couldn't take it down.

"What are you doing?" Roger whispered in a voice so unlike himself, it made Darling shiver.

"Who's that?"

Another guy stepped up behind the tall man, scanning Darling as well. An unknown blonde man Darling had never seen before. Damn it. He didn't waste one thought about Roger being the one to come home earlier than expected. And accompanied. And the stranger started to grin immediately. A grin Darling didn't like at all.

"Didn't you say they're all gone?" he said, approaching the younger man slowly. "But a cute one this is."

He took Darling's chin with one hand and literally forced him to look up in his eyes. He smiled at him, but the younger man slapped his hand away quickly and rushed backwards. Unfortunately the wall was in his way. So he pressed his back against the solid texture and immediately started to look like an intimidated animal. He glanced at that blonde man wickedly.

"Leave him be," Roger said, stepping between them and casually pushed that man a little further away. His voice was indifferent though. He turned only halfway again and looked at Darling from the corner of his eyes. "He shouldn't even be here."

It sounded more like a threat. Darling looked back at him in panic. And then he was about to leave, dragging Anonymous along. But the blonde Adonis ignored him completely. He was still fixated on the young guy who huddled against that wall and held his breath.

"Now wait a minute," he pushed Roger aside with one arm and approached him once more.

Quickly he had his hands on Darling's chin once more. Darling closed his eyes in fear. As much as he tried and wanted to get away from him, there was no way. Plus he could move only one arm properly, which already held on to the arms of that guy.

"Let go of me," he yelled at him, but Anonymous only started to laugh slightly.

"I think he's sweet. Could be fun, don't you think?" he replied, addressing Roger but came even closer to Darling.

Darling tried to push him away, but somehow it just wouldn't work. So he turned his face away as widely as possible and squeezed his eyes together. He could feel that guy being so close. His breath on his skin and his greedy eyes. He wanted to scream, but his voice just didn't obey him at all.

But suddenly he let go of him. Darling's head shot up immediately.

Roger stood right next to him and still held the arms of that guy up in the air. He didn't look too pleased at all. He stretched out his arm and almost lifted him up in the air by his shirt, staring directly into his eyes. His eyes had changed somehow. They were literally burning and not in a nice way.

"I suppose you heard me right," he breathed in Anonymous direction dangerously, clenching his teeth.

"Hey, what's your problem now?" the guy replied jeering. "The more the merrier, right?"

"So let me specify this a little more," Roger answered and pushed him roughly away. "If you ever dare to come near him again, I'll personally break your every bone. Did I make myself clear?"

Anonymous wanted to say something, but Roger was much quicker. Again he stepped between Darling and that guy, covering him protectively.

"I think it's better you leave," Roger said, straightening up.

"What?"

"Now!"

The blonde guy looked from Roger to Darling and back and within only seconds was fuming in anger. He whirled around, ready to leave.

"Fine," he answered. "I didn't know you were into the young ones anyway."

He turned and in large steps left the house, slamming the door.

And then there was silence. The whole house seemed to exhale loudly, even though no sound was to be heard at all. Darling was still shocked but slowly he felt his body soothing a little. And when he finally dared to breathe again, he felt as though his knees would give in any moment. He still stared at the door though, totally forgetting about Roger who still stood motionless in front of him. Darling hardly dared to move, but when Roger turned to him slowly his whole body stiffened once more.

"What were you doing down here?" he asked angrily. "I thought I told you to stay away."

"I'm sorry...I," Darling started, but didn't get to end whatever he might have said that moment. He didn't even know himself what he was trying to explain here.

"You were supposed to stay up there, God damn it," Roger raised his voice. "Fuck!"

How Darling hated him. That look. Those piercing eyes and that temper. He never knew how to take this guy or when his mood swings took place. Everything he despised in him, there it was again.

"I-I didn't mean to cause any harm," Darling tried though.

"Did you want that to happen?" Roger interrupted him though. "Sneaking around like that. No wonder you ended up in the streets, having almost been thrashed into hell."

Darling swallowed hard, but felt his hands forming fists.

"Well, you should have left me there then!" he suddenly screamed at the older man. "Instead of keeping me here like a prisoner!"

"Then go on! Leave! If that's where you wanna be so badly," Roger yelled back, gesturing wildly. "I won't stop you!"

Darling froze for a second, looking at him with wide eyes. But then his face darkened.

"Fine," he said quietly, fixating him.

Then he ducked away under Roger's arms and as fast as his feet carried him ran outside the door as well. Roger remained where he was. And Darling didn't dare to look back.

….

He ran down the street. Faster and faster. His feet felt like concrete and his lungs almost exploded. He felt that stabbing pain in his chest and knew immediately this heavy breathing and the physical stress was what caused his injuries to sound the alarm again, but he ignored it. All he wanted was to get away.

The street was hardly visible underneath his wet eyes. He was angry. And hurt. And he hated himself right now for letting these emotions show that openly, but as hard as he tried he couldn't stop those tears from coming. This had been the first words they'd spoken to one another in weeks and the last ones too. Why did he feel embarrassed? Why the hell did he care at all? Nothing this guy did until now effected him like that.

His shoulder hurt. Badly. And when he felt he wasn't able to go on, he stopped bending forward and breathing heavily. He had his eyes closed, but still felt sweat and tears running down his face.

Once more, he swallowed hard. Did he honestly expect something else?

Opening his eyes again he must admit yes he had. Something deep insight had secretly wished for that man to finally talk to him. He just didn't expect it to end up fulfilling all the prejudices he'd had.

Slowly he lifted his head, looking up to the sky.

And what now? The black dangerous face of the nightly clouds looked down at him mockingly. And only now he noticed how cool a night could be. And the wind increased by the minute. Darling looked around. He didn't even know where he was. He'd never been in that part of the city before and there was nowhere he could turn to now.

His body shivered. And just when the pain in his chest reported back, he felt cold drops of rain falling down on him heavily. One more look up to the sky and it was starting to pour like cats and dogs. Darling lowered his head and closed his eyes. How stupid of him. How silly. They had been right. He should have stayed there until he was fully recovered at least. He was soaking wet by now with his hair clinging to his face in sticky curls.

Slowly he sank down to the ground, leaning to one of the old rusty fences all the houses here had in front of their entrance. This was unbearable. He was still breathing heavily and pulled his knees closer to his body, leaning his forehead onto them. Usually he would have had a back-up plan or at least any idea what to do. But it had been gone. Along with every last hope he had had in this world.

It was just like that day two weeks ago. He was hurt and alone. And his body just wouldn't stop shivering in the freezing coldness of the rain.

But then suddenly he felt an unknown warmth surrounding him and teared his eyes wide open in surprise. Lifting his head he noticed the rain was gone. At least around the spot he was sitting. He still could see it dripping onto the stone around him smudging the reflections of the light windows in the puddles. He turned his head a little more.

A black woolen coat hung around his shoulders. So this was what gave that little warmth right now.

His eyes wandered up. And he almost gasped looking into the face of Roger once more, who stood silently next to him just holding an umbrella over him to prevent the rain from hitting him. He didn't look angry though. He wore an almost pitiful look. And his white shirt covered by a waistcoat was soaking more and more. So this must be his coat Darling was wearing right now.

Darling didn't say anything, just stared at him suspiciously. And Roger didn't even attempt to say anything. The more surprised the young man was when he slowly sat down next to him, always careful to hold up that umbrella. He was staring straight ahead though.

Darling waited. What was this about? He stared at the street again too.

"Thanks," he mumbled quietly, pulling that coat a little closer to himself.

"I'm sorry," he heard Roger's voice silently and immediately turned to look at him from the corner of his eyes again. The older man didn't turn though.

"I never wanted to give you the feeling of being imprisoned," Roger spoke again. "And I shouldn't have screamed."

Darling didn't believe his ears. He didn't dare to move though. Too well did he know his temper by now and wasn't quite sure what to think about all of this.

"I-I shouldn't have gone into there," he answered then, hugging his legs a little more. "I-I just didn't expect anyone to notice."

"Maybe you should stop sneaking around then," Roger replied and Darling immediately felt his eyes on him.

He lifted his head and their eyes met.

"Because you're paying for my recovery. I know," Darling answered. "I will pay you back if that is your problem."

"It was wrong making you stay in there," Roger continued almost softly. "I just didn't want you to hurt yourself even more. And with that guy... I didn't expect him to do that."

"I'm sorry for that," darling replied hoarsely. "I guess I wrecked that night for you then."

"One more or less," the older man jeered slightly. "It doesn't matter."

"Why do you do it then?"

Roger chose not to answer and instantly Darling lost that little spark of boldness again. It wasn't his concern. He shouldn't ask that. And he was totally fine not to answer it.

They sat there silently beside each other for what seemed an eternity. Darling didn't know what to say. But he felt his nervousness vanish and all of a sudden he couldn't imagine any other place to be right now. It confused him even more. This was strange. But somehow it felt okay sitting in the rain with that awful guy.

"I guess you've searched for something to prove what kind of idiot I am," Roger said suddenly.

Darling looked at him with wide eyes and much to his surprise the older man smiled at him. Funny. He looked so different smiling. In a way much younger and almost handsome. Not even a shade of that grumpy arrogant loner he had been until now. It reminded Darling of that very first day again.

"How can you even live in there?" he asked then defiantly. "With all the space in the world."

"It used to be a storeroom," Roger replied calmly. "I moved in there because it was the one room that was far enough from my usual one."

"And why would you do that?" Darling asked trying to act indifferent. "To get away from your faithful infantry? To be something better by living apart?"

"Because the one who lives in my room right now seems to be scared of me," Roger replied. Darling's head almost whirled around to him once more. His eyes grew even wider. Roger was still smiling though.

"Which of course," he coughed slightly. "Is my fault. I know that. And I am sorry for that too. I guess we just had a bad start, don't you think?"

Darling didn't know what to say. He never expected this. Neither this conversation nor that guy being someone completely different within only a second.

"I never wanted to give you the feeling of not being welcome," Roger said once more. "And I still stick to my word. I still want to help you. If you let me, of course."

Darling gasped when Roger stretched out his hand in his direction. Just like he did before.

"Please come back with me," he continued softly. "I won't scream and I won't try to convince you to do anything. I just want you to get better. And maybe you can find a way to forgive me then before you leave."

Darling thought about it for a moment. But then it was as though someone else acted through him. He couldn't even explain it. His own hand almost magically moved towards Roger's and when he felt his touch a shiver ran down his spine. He sent a prayer up above not to let him notice.

Roger smiled even more though. Thus, he got up. He was soaking wet himself by now, but with an elegant lightness helped Darling up to his feet again. He stood there perplex. As hard as he wanted to he just couldn't turn his gaze away.

"Come on," Roger spoke again softly and offered him his arm.

Darling wanted to ignore it, but as he did his first step that painful traction shot through him again and made him almost sink down again. Roger caught him though quickly before he could fall. Gently, he lifted him up again and Darling immediately clasped his arm.

They walked slowly. Obviously Darling had run a good distance for they took several turns before the street he knew from the view of his – Roger's – window again. Darling didn't mind though. As much as his body had threatened to burst when he ran away, the more did he feel lighter and lighter on the way back. They didn't speak one word all the way. Darling simply hung there in his arms with his head leaned to Roger's shoulder, taking one careful step after the other. He had his face lowered though. Roger probably thought it was out of pain and embarrassment, but the truth was Darling didn't want him to see. To see his blushed face and the puzzling look on his face. And he hoped so much that damn heart-beat wouldn't give him away. He didn't understand it himself. It was so surreal and he couldn't understand at all why his whole being reacted that way all of a sudden. Only thing he knew was he was there. Feeling him, smelling him and being safe again. And he noticed he'd never liked the rain any more.

How embarrassing. He hoped no one would see them. And more than that he tried his very best to make it stop. He loathed that guy. He always had. And just because he chose to show a little humanity right now didn't change anything, did it?

~To be continued~

Chapter 4: Elizabeth

Notes:

A/N: I struggled a little to get to the end of this, but now I kind of like it :) Hope you do too.

Anyway, new part. Enjoy ;)

Chapter Text

„You're up early," Shirley said raising an eyebrow and handed a cup of coffee to Roger who stood in the kitchen door.

He rubbed his head and looked beyond tired. It was quite unusual to see him at that time of day. And he simply grunted wearily and took the cup out of her hands scuffling towards one of the chairs and let himself fall down lazily.

"And dressed too," She continued quietly, not able to hide the slight undertone of a smirk in her face. Even though she had her back turned on him again and concentrated on preparing the breakfast she'd noticed. "I never thought I'd see the day. May I ask for the occasion?"

"No occasion," Roger answered supporting his heavy head on his hands and sounding muffled. Yet he grinned at her slightly.

He felt as though someone had hit him on the head with something really heavy. This definitely wasn't his time of the day.

"I just thought I'd start to seize the day again," he spoke turning his head towards the huge window; staring into space.

"Had a long night again?" she asked.

Sloppily she threw a plate of scrambled eggs to the table and pushed it over to him before sitting down herself. Her eyes never left him and that hint of a smile which just wouldn't vanish was kind of disturbing.

"Not really," he answered and tried not to look at her.

"Lame one for a change?" Shirley grinned.

"No."

"What then?" she just wouldn't let go. "He took his heels and ran after he noticed the commitment issues and the lack of sensibility in your disturbed being?"

Roger's eyes shot up at her, but she was only laughing out loud seeing it. But somehow it was infectious. He couldn't help it.

"Not exactly," he grinned too, looking down and shaking his head. "But he did run indeed."

"What?" Shirley sat upright within a second, looking at him baffled. This was only meant as a joke.

"Apparently," Roger answered casually, leaning back. "He thought me taking sides wasn't exactly what he was looking for."

"You taking sides?"

Shirley and Roger turned their heads at the same time. The others were standing in the door-frame and obviously had gotten more of their conversation than they should have. And now they looked from Shirley to Roger and back, seemingly not sure what it meant Roger was here as well. Not at this time of the day. As a matter of fact he hadn't been joining them in a long time.

"Sit down," Shirley said quickly and got up, taking a few more plates out of the cupboard and placing them carefully on the table. "I don't like you standing around when everything's prepared already."

"Roger?" Brian grinned and sat down right in front of him. "Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"Yes, why?" He was a little surprised by that question and lifted his eyebrows looking at his friend.

"Did you bump your head in that closet?" Kevin grinned as well. "Being up so early isn't exactly something we usually see from you."

"Well, I am now," he pulled a face at him mockingly. "So you better get used to it."

"Why so?" Scott joined cheerfully. "Are you planning to importune us more than once from now on?"

They all started to laugh. And Roger only looked baffled at them at first. But slowly he felt his mouth lifting into a cheap smile as well and quickly turned his gaze down again. He hadn't done this in a long time. And he couldn't really explain why.

He looked up to them again. They were already chittering with one another excitedly again. It was so much like old times. A normal thing. And himself in between, just as though he'd never pulled himself out of all this. It felt good. Roger only sat there and observed them. Once or twice someone would ask him something or simply smile at him. And it was then he noticed how much he'd missed them.

"Well, what have you planned for today then?" Kevin asked him suddenly. "Strolling the streets again?"

"No, I think I'll stay here and start to prepare some things," Roger answered, taking a sip from his cup.

He noticed Kevin's blank face that very moment of course.

"What?" he grinned. "Production starts again in a few days and I've dawdled around enough."

He suppressed a grin and instead just closed his eyes while his four roommates exchanged shocked looks. He knew what they were thinking. And he knew very well they all had to leave to run some errands today as well.

Then, Shirley got up slowly; almost hesitantly never leaving Roger out of sight. She forced herself to smile at him again, probably hoping he hadn't noticed.

"Well, it's a good thing you're remembering it," She tried her very best to sound normal. "Will you excuse me though? I'm gonna go and bring some breakfast up to our guest then."

She hurried to fill yet another plate and was almost out of the kitchen, when Roger started to laugh silently.

"What's so funny?" Brian asked, wondering about it.

"Why don't you call him down already?" Roger answered still chuckling and looked up at them again and crossing his arms while leaning back casually.

"What do you...," Shirley started, but Roger was quicker.

He turned and focused her with a smile on his face.

"I know you've been letting him wander around," he said calmly. "So please, just call him down and let's quit this silly 'hide and seek' game."

The four of them kept staring at him in disbelief. And as usual they acted as though they were just one person and made it look more hilarious than anything else. Roger lowered his gaze and took another sip only to prevent himself from roaring with laughter. He remained where he was almost motionless although on the inside he felt like screaming. They really didn't expect him to know, even though they'd never once managed to keep anything happening in this house a secret. And, much more than his, he felt curiously shaky all of a sudden. He'd never been here when they'd let Darling roam around and despite the unexpected clash of the previous night a strange sort of excitement arose somewhere in the deepest corner of his mind thinking about being in the same room with their young guest once more.

Roger shook his head slightly, took a deep breath and swallowed a little more coffee just to suffocate that thought while it was more a dimming ember than an actual spark of realization. This was stupid. He'd only admitted it had been a mistake to expect Darling to stay in that room; nothing more. So there was no point in feeling nervous about it now. He'd simply spend half an hour with that boy and the others down here and then start his work. He didn't even have to say much. So why not.

Shirley coughed once and slowly kept on turning. She glared over at Brian but he just shrugged.

"I...er...I will help her," he stuttered looking at Roger a little uncertain, but then followed her as quickly as his feet carried him.

Roger looked after them and shook his head. He laughed silently. Obviously everyone else was as surprised as himself.

"What's gotten into him?" Brian asked, shoving Shirley away with him. "He avoided seeing Darling whenever possible. And now he allows him to come down?"

"I don't know," Shirley shrugged. "But didn't you notice? He knew we'd let him walk around every day. What strikes me more is that he's not mad at all."

"Yeah," Brian agreed. "What is happening here?"

They arrived at the stairs and looked at each other again. They weren't really sure what to do. What if Roger just wanted to test them? What if he started getting angry once Darling came out of that room? But then again, when had Roger ever done something like that?

But his behavior had been more than strange that morning.

"Erm...Darling?" Shirley yelled hesitantly, always keeping the kitchen door in sight.

But Roger didn't appear. So maybe he really meant it.

They heard a door opening though and only seconds later Darling appeared at the top of the stairs, waving a cheerful Good Morning to them. As usual he moved very quietly though.

"Er...you...you can come down now," Brian finished, looking from Shirley to Darling. He was kind of clueless about what to do or what to say to him.

The young man on the other hand nodded and started to come down to them. He surely was certain everything was alright as he elegantly nearly dance-like slid down the stairs in their direction. He seemed to notice their unbelieving stares though and stopped in front of them. He looked from one to the other and raised his eyebrows.

"Is...is everything alright?" he asked a little uncertain.

Shirley inhaled and looked like she wanted to reply anything, but quickly put her hand over her mouth and breathed out again through her nose. She turned to Brian and her eyes literally screamed for help. Brian on the other hand stared at her questioningly for a moment, before hastily his head shot in Darling's direction again.

"Everything's just fine," he smiled but it must have looked more than awkward for Darling didn't seem convinced.

"Listen," Shirley sighed finally. She stepped a little closer and put her hands on the young man's shoulders. "Don't panic, okay?"

"And don't run!" Brian jumped in as they pushed Darling slowly closer to the kitchen.

"And don't scream," Shirley added. "Be just who you always are!"

"And most of all..."

"Just stay calm!"

"What?" Darling tried to cast a look at them over his shoulder, but somehow he was already standing in the door-frame of the kitchen. They never acted that way before and even though he knew all of them were a little crazy, this was definitely new. Plus, he couldn't get what they wanted to tell him through all scraps of conversation. "What the hell are you talking about? What is going on?"

He'd managed to stop and stem himself against them, turning around to face them. But Brian already slapped his hand to his face and lowered his head. Shirley clenched her teeth and raised her index finger to point at the kitchen table without a sound. Darling narrowed his eyes at them. He'd expected to get a little more as an answer than a pantomimic gesture. But then he turned around and almost fell out of the door again. He gasped once and teared open his eyes. Immediately his body stiffened and he pulled his shoulders up a little to stand straight.

Roger and the others had watched that scene silently and their eyes were fixated on him. And as soon as Darling got that little fact Roger started to chuckle slightly. Secretly he'd been hoping for a reaction like that.

Darling on the other hand stood there petrified. And after a moment Roger was quite certain he wouldn't dare to move a bit unless someone finally said something. He shook his head and closed his eyes, laughing silently. Then he grabbed his cup again and gently kicked the chair next to him a little away from the table. He opened his eyes again and smiled broadly at their young guest. Leaning back a little to show he was quite relaxed about all this he tilted his head a little and raised his brows, pointing at the chair.

And he could easily see Darling taking a deep breath. Well, first step done. The kid was breathing again after all. What a great misfortune this would have been to risk a cold in the pouring rain one night before and getting him back well only to see him suffocate from the next day from seeing him there.

Roger had to grin at this thought.

"Come on," he heard Kevin say compassionately and when he turned to look at him, he saw him gesturing carefully in Darling's direction. "It's okay."

Roger couldn't hold back now. He started to giggle silently but then it grew to be a loud masculine laughter, causing everyone to look at him in an instance.

"Are you serious?" he asked Brian, wiping some tears of laughter out of his eyes. "He's not a dog! Stop pretending he's a scared little child."

"But Roger...," Kevin answered baffled and let his hands fall.

"No, he's right," Scott said and Kevin quickly raised his head to look at him. He stood next to Roger leaned to the wall and had his arms crossed, acting pretty amused about the whole situation. "It's what I've told you before. He can decide for himself."

Roger smiled at him and turned to face Darling once more.

"Listen, it's somewhat uncomfortable having to turn every time," he smiled. "So if you like... Sit down."

Darling still just stared at him as though he didn't know whether to trust that sudden change in mood or not. But then he took another breath and straightened up. Slowly he started to move, never letting Roger out of sight. And for once he really looked like a shy animal as he approached him with as much attention as he could find. When he finally reached the chair he stopped again shortly and their eyes met. Roger still smiled at him in an amused way and shrugged slightly.

"Your choice," he said and took another uninterested sip from his cup.

So, slowly Darling pulled that chair up a little more and sat down beside the man he couldn't grasp still. He didn't say a word though and just lowered his glare. He felt Roger move away a little and suddenly all of this felt less strange. He lifted his head slightly, but that weird guy had already started to talk to Scott once more and ignored him now. One by one the others joined them as well and soon they sat in a big round and talked about everything that crossed their mind. They laughed and chatted and somehow it appeared they all admitted Darling to their little group as though it was the most natural thing in the world. It was almost as though he'd been there much longer than two weeks and somehow it felt familiar and warm. Darling noticed in surprise. It had been a long time since he'd last felt like that and even though he could hardly join their conversations – and didn't really want to while that Roger was there for that matter – he listened to everything and absorbed every word. He'd lost every experience as close to a family as these five people and felt strangely touched they sort of invited him in without wasting any words about it. But there they were. It wasn't strange to them to have him here and they seemed to accept the fact they knew absolutely nothing about him. And for the first time in a long period a small whisper in the farthest corner of his head dared to breathe the idea of being safe into him. He lowered his gaze and smiled to himself realizing it. This was crazy. And impossible. And yet it was there. That feeling. How very strange.

"So Darling," he heard Shirley's voice and as though shaken awake he lifted his head to look at her with his huge eyes.

She smiled. Did she ask something? He hadn't noticed at all.

"Will you be okay staying alone for a while?" she asked compassionately.

Darling didn't respond at first but stared at her questioningly.

"Are you leaving?" he asked shyly noticing of course she expected an answer.

"Oh honey you sure let your thoughts wander," she smiled warmly. "We will start working again in a couple of days. But obviously you didn't get that."

"You work?" He almost felt a little stupid for that question. They must have talked about it, but either he didn't get it or he had been way too lost in his own mind somehow.

Brian on the other hand started to laugh. Darling sensed their eyes on him and lowered his gaze again.

"Of course we are," Kevin answered after a while, but sounded more amused than accusing. "We have to make a living too. Just like everybody else."

"What about you?" Scott asked. "Do you work?"

Darling raised his head in his direction. What was that? Some kind of trick to find out about him? Immediately the suspicion was back. But then no. They never seemed to be like that. Usually they were straight ahead with questions of any kind. So what should he answer? Quickly his roamed through any possibility of them getting to know too much if he told the truth.

"I-I don't," he mumbled then and suddenly felt embarrassed. He knew they were still staring at him and maybe it was kind of strange for someone of his age not to do anything. But on the other hand he couldn't explain any more really. "Maybe... once I am able to use my arm again I'll search for something."

"Means you never have?" Kevin asked in disbelief. "Wow. How boring is that?"

"I never had to," Darling answered but bid his lips quickly, wishing those words hadn't slipped his mouth. Too much information.

"But you weren't one of those street-kids who stole to survive, were you?" he heard Shirley's voice and within only a second his head shot up to look at her in shock.

"Street-kid?" he whispered more to himself but knew immediately they must have heard. Their faces changed and looked so much more serious nigh pitying now.

"Do you really have nowhere to go?" Shirley asked silently and gently reached for his hand but Darling quickly pulled it away and sat upright once more.

He swallowed hard and immediately looked over at Scott who threw his hands up in the air shaking his head. So he had told them about their little argument the other day. He'd hoped so much he wouldn't. And in an instance Darling wanted to smack himself for having gotten blinded himself by their kindness just a minute ago. Of course they would ask questions. Of course there was no way he would be safe here. Not if they knew. And he was very well aware he couldn't keep this 'Not-Talking-Game' for all eternity.

"That's enough now!"

Not believing what he'd just heard Darling's head turned slowly; his eyes wide. All of the others turned as well. Roger put his cup down to the table again and got up.

"I think you all got plenty to do today so why don't you just get started?" he said calmly.

They all turned their head to him and it looked more as though they froze hearing it than a real reaction. But then all of them started to nod and as though nothing had happened they got up and collected whatever they needed right now before vanishing out of the kitchen, chatting already again about whatever they had to do.

Darling watched the whole scene with one eyebrow raised. Try as he might he still couldn't get used to their indifference which up to a certain point could easily pass as obedient ignorance whenever that guy said anything. His influence was unbelievable. He got up and walked to the door as well, looking after them.

Then he heard a slight cough behind him and just then noticed he was alone with him now. Slowly turning around once more he found Roger sitting there still totally unimpressed, scrolling through some papers Kevin had put in front of him.

Darling took a deep breath and straightened up again.

"You didn't tell them?" he asked almost not audible.

But the moment Roger turned to face him he quickly lowered his gaze again. His face blushed.

"I don't think they must know everything," Roger smiled slightly. "And you surely didn't want any more questions, did you?"

Darling jeered slightly. Now what did this mean? But much to his surprise Roger seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. Almost as though he was able to read him like an open book.

"I figured you don't want to tell what happened to you," Roger said in an amazingly calm voice, yet he seemed pretty amused still as he turned back to his papers. "And believe me they never would have stopped if they knew about last night."

Darling listened to his words and felt confused. He noticed. For a moment he seriously started to wonder whether that man was really up to nothing and just guessed pretty good or not. It seemed he knew everything Darling never wanted to talk about though. He wanted to reply something but didn't get as far for Brian's screeching voice sounded through the large hallway once more.

"Roger?"

The tall man got up without replying and walked to the door, stopping frighteningly close next to Darling. He tried to back away a little, but the frame was in his way. He looked away quickly but Roger didn't seem to notice at all. He simply bent forward a little until he was able to see his four roommates faces. They stood in the farthest corner of the hallway already sporting their coats and bags; ready to leave.

"You sure you won't come along?" Brian asked once he caught his eye.

"No, don't you worry," Roger grinned. "Just go on. I'll get along."

A little uncertain all of them shared some confused looks at one another.

"So please try not to kill each other," Kevin added hesitantly, waiting for Darling to turn a little too so they could see him.

Darling teared his eyes wide open in outrage. But as soon as he wanted to reply something he felt a hand on his shoulder, patting it gently.

"Don't worry," Roger smiled at them carelessly. "We'll keep out of our way."

Darling's head shot up to him.

"Right?" Roger winked at him and spoke so quietly they couldn't have heard that last bit. And from what Darling was able to evaluate they weren't supposed to anyway.

He raised one eyebrow but quickly closed his eyes, turning his face away.

"Alright," Kevin said seeing it.

He didn't sound convinced. As well as the others. But they slowly turned and with knowing looks they left the house.

As soon as the door flung shut, Roger let go of Darling and exhaled deeply. He straightened up a little and without a word moved back into the kitchen. He threw away the remains on the plate Shirley had handed him and with one very feminine move pushed the chair back underneath the kitchen table before passing Darling once more with huge steps. He didn't say a word but acted as though he wasn't even there. Darling witnessed it for a moment, but then decided it was no use to stand there any longer. He had to face it. He was alone with that guy for a day and it didn't seem Roger was going to go anywhere today.

The young man sighed slightly and slowly moved towards the stairs. It meant facing a day in that room and he wasn't really too keen to be there. But actually there was not much he could do about it right now.

He already had one foot on the stairs when he heard Roger's voice again.

"Where are you going?"

He stood in the door of the living room, looking after him questioningly.

"Me? Uh...Up?" Darling answered a little uncertain. "You said I..."

"If I remember right I said it was stupid of me to demand such a thing," Roger laughed and it almost gave Darling goosebumps for a moment. "Just look around," the taller man winked at him once more. "Until you leave it's your house as well. No more staying up there all day. But please be careful!"

Thus he vanished insight the room again. Darling remained where he was for a couple of seconds not knowing if he really got that right. This was definitely new. He hadn't quite believed in that sudden change of mind until now, but somehow that Roger was different all of a sudden. Still Darling feared he had to be careful. Who knew what this was about.

But then he shrugged.

Thinking about it he might as well give it a try. After all everything was better than being locked up in that room again. Or remaining on the stairs the whole day. At least while he had to stay in this strange place. So, he walked up the stairs and along the long corridors. Looking around slowly he tried to remember everything as good as possible. All the marble white stone made it somehow hard to keep orientation.

"A little color, that's what this place needs," Darling thought again by himself and shook his head again.

All the light porcelain vases and sculptures didn't help much either. This was like walking a maze. Once or twice he passed some huge modern art paintings. They didn't tell him much if he was honest. Only a bunch of splodges and mainly held in white and different shades of gray as well. In a way everything looked pretty noble and clean. Sterile even. Exactly how every rich person would live. Up to date. Just as people would expect of someone like Roger. But then again it was terribly impersonal. No soul, no heart. Nothing that indicated five very different people shared this house and nothing which told him who they were exactly.

Darling sighed. He kept asking himself why he'd expected anything else. From what he had learned everything in here went the way Roger wanted it. And even though Kevin, Scott, Brian and Shirley were pretty nice they didn't really add something of their own. Probably out of fear. Or out of stagnation. Whatever it was Darling began to wonder why they ended up here. He'd secretly hoped they would have told him a little more, but then again they'd have asked him a lot more in return for sure.

Slowly he continued his little sight-seeing tour. He walked along the corridor he knew by heart now and only stopped shortly looking into the room he'd been living in for the past few weeks now dreamily.

His room...

He felt strange imagining he was occupying the place Roger usually lived in now. Maybe that's why he couldn't get him out of his head. Everything in there literally screamed his name. It had become clear the moment Roger had told him.

Darling crossed his arms, suddenly feeling cold. He looked around. Even the shirt he wore wasn't his own. He'd rolled up the sleeves to make it fit a little more and usually wore a belt a little over his waistline for it was way too large for him. It even smelled different.

"This ain't my home," he thought by himself. And he knew the moment it crossed his mind it was true. As much as they tried – and heaven knew even Roger gave it his best shot right now – he couldn't possibly feel as though he belonged. This was his house. His mates. His room. Probably even his clothes. And the pure thought of it made him feel even more uneasy somehow.

For somewhere deep within that small connection he had with that man agreeing to come here grew more. He could feel it and he tried so hard not to let it get out of hand. He simply couldn't become one of them. What good was this anyway?

Carefully Darling stepped into that white cage. He closed his eyes and listened closely. Nothing. Roger made no sound and if he didn't know better he'd sworn he wasn't even there.

He inhaled deeply. This was him. He should have noticed from the very beginning. Everything in hat room smelled like him. Or maybe it was the other way round; he couldn't tell.

And then his heartbeat kind of woke him again from his reverie. Quickly Darling put his palm on his chest just as though it would change anything. He opened his eyes again and stared at his own hand in disbelief. Why was he reacting like that all the time? He'd been thinking about it a lot ever since Roger had miraculously managed to convince him to come back here. This was disturbing. His whole body starting to tremble whenever he thought about him was definitely new to him. Maybe it was that strange fright he felt whenever Roger was around. But then again, he'd known fear. And it wasn't the same.

"Maybe all I need is to calm down. That's all," he thought; half doubtful about his own words. "After all I can compete with him. I won't break like all of them did."

He looked around determinedly. All he needed was to surpass the intimidation of that man. To bury his eyes in his head. And then, surely, nothing as simple as his scent would start that reaction again.

Darling marched towards the huge white closet opposite the bed. Facing his demons; that's what he needed to do. It was as easy as that.

He opened the cabinet doors and stared at the unbelievable amount of clothes. This was Roger. All of this. He recognized the smell in an instance. His heart hammered against his chest immediately, but he quickly shook his head. This was only because he knew he shouldn't do that. The excitement one felt whenever something was forbidden. Nothing more.

He turned around once more just as though he feared someone might watching him, but then he started to roam through this huge amount of shirts and other clothes. His movements became quicker. There must be some way to get used to this. He didn't even know what it was exactly what he was searching for but he felt himself getting more and more desperate. This had got to stop. He had to make it stop.

But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Darling realized it after a while too. And as soon as that realization sank into him he stopped, slowly sinking to his knees. He lowered his head. This just couldn't be. There must be a way to get over this phase. And yes, he had to call it a phase. Something new. Born out of this strange place and the fact he knew nothing about that man who had been so keen on helping him out there.

Darling lifted his head once more, staring at the closet. It had been a mistake. Agreeing to come with Roger had been wrong. And now he felt like he was losing himself. Probably more than ever before. And worst of all he wasn't able to explain it to anyone.

Staring straight ahead he tried hard to think about what to do now. He couldn't possible hide forever. And by all means he couldn't tell them. About himself. About all the things he wanted to forget himself.

But then his eyes met a little purple looking spot right behind all these white shirts. Somewhere at the farthest end of that closet. It shone through it and all the white seemed to reflect it even more. Darling narrowed his eyes. What the heck was this?

Slowly he crawled a little closer. He slowly pushed away the shirts a little and for a moment didn't believe his eyes. This was a canvas. Paintings?

Darling quickly got up and pushed the clothes away a little more.

No, this wasn't just one. At least a dozen paintings were hidden behind that facade of noble looking clothes. Darling shook his head in disbelief. Why would someone hide them? He tried to grab one of them but pulling them out of there appeared to be harder than expected with only one arm. But he didn't give up. This was way too peculiar. One by one he pulled them out of there and arranged them around himself in the room. It took him a long time, but finally he turned around and looked at all of them. He couldn't believe it. A wide grin spread all over his face.

They were fantastic. All of them portrait people. Mostly in a very abstract way and all of them held in different colors. Darling wasn't able to turn his gaze away. They surrounded him. It was like walking in another world. He simply couldn't get enough of them. Every single one of them told another story. It was like watching the story of someone. With every up and down. Happy moments. Memories. Even despair. It was all there. Right in front of him.

Darling's smile didn't vanish. Slowly he sat down in the middle of that circle of paintings he'd created. This was amazing. He hadn't felt like that in a long time.

It was then a large canvas mostly held in purple caught his attention. Darling's eyes grew wider. Two pastel blue characters were to be seen on it. Entwined to each other and almost floating through that purple ocean around them. It was only them.

And suddenly Darling held his breath. An unbelievable wave of calmness ran through him. There could have been a million eyes around them, they only had eyes for each other. Even though no faces had been painted clearly Darling could feel it. This was like watching two lovers. The world didn't matter to them. Nor did anything that had happened. They were the only beings alive and they were so light. So graceful.

"They're dancing," Darling murmured and his smile became softer. He was certain he'd never seen anything as beautiful. He imagined them being madly in love. They'd probably met as strangers somewhere in this world and had been drawn to each other in an instance. Like magic. If there was something like love at first sight, they'd experienced it for sure.

His eyes wandered down to the left corner of the picture. He needed to know the name of that painter. He'd never seen anything like it.

"Elizabeth?" he read out loud baffled. That was all. Nothing more. No year. No surname. Just 'Elizabeth'. How strange. He'd never heard of that painter before.

"Yeah, Elizabeth," he heard a voice behind him and whirled around, being ripped out of this feeling immediately. Darling's heart sank that instance.

Roger leaned against the door-frame and stared at the pictures as well.

Damn, he didn't even hear him coming up. And the very next second Darling only realized he had been roaming through his stuff without permission. And as if stung by an adder he was up to his feet again, giving Roger an almost frightened look.

"I...er...I didn't mean...This was just...," he stammered, but Roger slowly came closer and much to Darling's surprise he smiled softly.

"I haven't seen them in many years," he said calmly and sat down at the edge of the bed close to Darling, looking at them carefully as well. "I'd almost forgotten about them."

Darling watched him carefully and was surprised about the almost sentimental smile Roger gave them. He figured the older man must have some emotional connection to them. At least everything in his behavior pointed that way.

"I'm sorry," Darling started silently, lowering his gaze again. "I shouldn't have rummaged in your stuff."

"Never mind," Roger didn't look at him but kept his eyes fixated on the paintings.

This was definitely new. No screaming. No outrage. Hardly any reaction. He simply kept on smiling. Darling didn't know what this meant, but slowly he relaxed a little. He turned towards them again too. And for a slight second he wondered what exactly Roger saw in them.

"Do you like art?" he heard him ask.

"A lot," Darling replied, staring at the two dancers again. "I used to love scrolling through books of paintings in my father's library. And I secretly collected colorful paintings like these whenever I could find some."

He smiled slightly, but only a second later Darling noticed what had just slipped his mouth. His eyes widened in shock and is head whirled around to Roger. The older man looked at him and smiled widely. He had said too much. Darling could slap himself for having done that. He quickly stepped away a few steps. Why did he do this?

But Roger lifted his hands slightly, gesturing him to relax.

"Calm down," his soft voice replied. "Nothing happened."

Darling took a deep breath though. He'd noticed. Of course. But why didn't any questions follow? Why the hell did he say that?

Roger got up from the bed slowly and knelt down in front of the two dancers.

"Come here," he said calmly, stretching one hand in Darling's direction.

The young man instinctively backed away a little more.

"I'm not going to bite you," Roger laughed. "Come on."

Swallowing hard Darling slowly, very slowly, stepped a little closer and without looking at Roger carefully knelt down next to him; his gaze fixating the floor. Roger didn't move.

"What do you see in them?" the older man asked.

Darling lifted his head slightly and stared at the two painted figures again. What was that about? He couldn't honestly want him to spare his thoughts about it right now. He looked at Roger from the corner of his eyes, who was still smiling.

"They dance," Darling replied silently. "Without caring for anything. Just floating along."

"Who do you think they are?"

"Lovers..."

"Lovers, hm?" Roger laughed slightly.

"I imagine they were lost," Darling went on, hoping hard he wouldn't notice his blushed face. He concentrated hard to look at the painting. "Lost somewhere in the chaos of this world until the darkness around them lightened, because..."

"Because?" Roger asked softly, his face turned to Darling.

"Because," he took a deep breath. "because they found each other. Something worth living for. Something eternal. And they share that happiness they thought wouldn't exist in that first dance. Completely as one and embracing the world for once."

He stopped. He'd never thought to have a conversation like that. And he seriously wondered why he even shared this with Roger. But he couldn't take it back now.

"Who do you think they are?" Darling asked in return.

But somehow Roger chose not to answer that.

"You secretly collected them, hm?" Roger spoke again after a while. "Was it to hide what you knew deep within already?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh please," Roger laughed out loud and the very next moment moved frighteningly close to Darling and cupped his cheek with his hand. "Don't insult me. People like me...we recognize one another."

Darling blushed even more and his eyes grew to a new size. But this time he didn't turn his gaze away. This was unbelievable.

"You knew?" Darling asked as if out of his mind. He'd hoped no one would notice but just then realized how stupid that had been too. He couldn't disguise what he was. And surely they were the last people to give a damn about it. He should have known.

"From the very beginning," Roger answered and let go of his face. "Don't hide it. It's your color really. Everyone of us 'fairies' has one. And yours is shining so brightly in you, every little movement you make was a hint. I've mine too. As well as every other homosexual does. I've just forgotten a lot about mine. That picture for example... I've forgotten."

"Why did you hide them?" Darling asked almost shyly.

"Ah, let's say they remind me too much of a period I tried to bury in my memory," Roger responded and sort of sighed deeply. "I tried to make a living with them. And I put every hope I had into them but it didn't work out as planned."

Darling didn't believe his ears. He stared at Roger who looked straight ahead again, stroking over the rough surface of that canvas.

"You painted them?" he asked in disbelief.

"When I was much younger," Roger nodded. "I lived with my mother still back then. But sadly enough I wasn't exactly what you could call lucky. It wasn't really lucrative to put it better. Unfortunately I wouldn't listen to anyone around me. And then my mother got sick. Really sick. And I had to care for her."

"So you stopped it?" Darling asked, hanging on his lips.

But Roger shook his head.

"I didn't," he answered. "She begged me to let someone else take care of her. To give her into the hands of a hospital or at least someone who knew what to do. But I was stubborn and dumb. My siblings moved out of town and didn't want any contact to me after they'd found out about my...immoral behavior. And my father left us when we were only kids. As you can imagine I couldn't afford any treatment for her and convinced enough of myself in that teenage stubbornness, I still kept on trying."

Darling could imagine suddenly what was going to come next.

"She died," Roger continued and turned to smile at Darling once more, but this time it was much sadder than before. " And I was shattered. My brother and sister...they still blame me up to this day. I fell into a deep despair then, realizing what I had done being that stubborn. If only I'd taken some help. From anyone. My former partner for example. He offered his help so many times but I always denied I needed it. It didn't take long and he lost all patience with me after my mother's death. A desperate self-loathing child. That's what he called me. And he made it perfectly clear he couldn't put any more effort in a relationship that had been bound to lose from the beginning. So I lost him too. It was then I decided to give up on that dream. And until today I've never dared to look at these pictures again. If I'd listened to my mother in the first place I surely would have been able to do the right thing. But actually, in a way...it was me who killed her."

He stopped, lowering his head. A hint of sadness covered his intimidating appearance for once. Something Darling hadn't seen on him before. And strangely enough he felt sorry for him all of a sudden. A feeling that almost teared him apart. He wanted to hold him right now. So badly. But as much as his heart longed for it that very moment the more reason told him not to move. Not a bit.

"I'm sorry," he whispered then.

"No need to be," Roger turned to him and gave him a soft look. "I just never thought someone would really like to look at them. That's all."

"They are fabulous," Darling answered, staring straight ahead.

The two dancers continued their dreamy movements despite what they had just heard. They still had only eyes for one another.

"Take it," Roger said suddenly, causing Darling to turn around once more.

"What?"

"If you like it that much I'll give it to you," he smiled. "Maybe it helps you trusting me a little more. After all you know a part of me now I never wanted to tell anyone as well."

Darling looked back at him as though he didn't believe the whole situation being true.

"And don't worry about that little bit you've told me," Roger winked at him, smiling cheerfully again. "I won't tell."

"Why Elizabeth?" Darling asked in return and without thinking about it. Maybe it was more to avoid having to talk about his little blooper any more.

"The name of my mother," Roger grinned. "I signed all of them like that. Just to keep in mind whom I did this for."

Darling suddenly smirked.

"What's so funny," Roger asked amused.

"This makes so much more sense," Darling answered and lifted his eyebrows playfully. "than imagining 'Roger Elizabeth Debris'."

Roger blinked twice but then started to laugh out loud. A laughter which was infecting. Darling joined him after a few seconds. He couldn't help it.

All the anxiety he'd felt before was gone that very moment. He'd never imagined it. But somehow Roger had a way in calming him down a lot and now... In his wildest dreams he didn't imagine to sit here on the floor with this man, laughing loudly about a stupid notion like that.

"I like that," Roger said trying to catch his breath and wiping over his eyes with one hand. "Maybe I should keep that. It would kill them at the next choreographer's ball for sure."

Darling listened to him and smiled. One look at the canvas was enough to agree with that guy for once.

"You definitely should," he said. "It's like carrying a part of your legacy."

Roger leaned back casually only supporting his body with his arms stemmed to the ground, listening closely.

"And you shouldn't hide them," Darling said as while that wave of courage towards him still lasted. "They are you in a way. And they are fantastic. Hang them up. People need to see them. And this house could really use their bright colors."

Roger smirked.

"Why don't you do it?" he asked then, causing Darling to turn again in surprise. "I'm pretty sure you'll find the best places for them. I'll help you since you're a little challenged still."

Darling blinked once. Did he really mean that? But then he smiled slightly and nodded once.

"I'd love to," he answered silently.

So, Roger nodded and got up, helping Darling up by pulling him gently to his feet as well.

"Then let's get started," he said.

And while Roger was already about to carry the huge paintings into the hallway, Darling still stared at him. He couldn't get it. How could someone be so different in such a short time? Or had he been like that from the start? Maybe he had just not been able to see it. Or maybe he just tried hard to behave in front of him now.

"One question though," Darling stopped him.

Roger turned around to face him again.

"What revealed me?" Darling grinned at him mischievously. "I mean how did you recognize? Just that color you spoke about?"

Roger laughed shortly.

"That," he answered and turned to move on with just another picture under his arm. "And the fact you blush every time I'm close to you."

Darling's eyes widened while Roger disappeared in the hallway.

~To be continued~

Chapter 5: Of witches and pirates

Notes:

A/N: Long time... I am sorry. I didn't feel much like writing for a longer period of time. Anyway blabla... I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. It took me forever (literally!)

Chapter Text

He watched him stretch his body while trying to hang up the huge canvas. It looked exhausting. He saw little welding beads on his forehead and he did roll up his sleeves after a while; the best indication Darling was right. It made him feel curiously embarrassed somehow. Partly, because he really felt so useless right away. He'd never liked people doing simple things for him in the first place and since this was something -the first thing, really- Roger had openly and without hesitation allowed him to do, in a house which he would probably not see again in a couple of weeks and it was in a way extraordinary to him. So, not being able to help in the slightest was disturbing. And then because he caught himself every other minute staring at the tall man. He tried so hard not to do it but somehow wasn't really able to control himself. It was just like his eyes developed a will of their own. And the more he tried, he just couldn't grasp why.

He wasn't interested in him. Hell, he would never think of anything like that. Especially not with the pain of what had happened still lingering inside of him like a poisonous disease. And even though Roger knew now -or probably had known already days ago- he was gay as well, Darling had never been the person to look at other men in such an obvious way. Not really surprising, since he'd spent most of the time finding himself in the closet; hiding it from everyone in fear the wrong people might notice. So, what was that about?

Darling looked up slightly and only lifted his head so much he could fixate that Roger DeBris once more with the possibility to turn and pretend to having done something completely different, just in case he'd notice.

"Why does this happen whenever I'm close to him?" he thought and tried to listen inside himself in search for an answer. A little hint. Even the smallest clue his body might gave him to evaluate this.

One thing was crystal-clear though. Something about that man was intriguing. Why? He had not the slightest idea. And true, Roger acted so different all of a sudden. Ever since that night in the streets Roger either tried very hard to get a grip on his temper or maybe – and this was the strangest kind of maybe – this was how he really was. But did Darling really misjudged him that much? He wasn't sure. And it confused him a lot, if he was honest.

"I guess that's it," he heard Roger say and his voice ripped Darling out of his puzzling.

Roger stepped back from that wall a little and stopped next to the younger man. He looked pleased. With himself in a way. It suited him. And the picture Darling had gotten of him in the first place. But then again, he wasn't really doing anything for himself right now, was he?

"You were right. It really looks good in here," Roger said.

Darling knew he was winking at him. He saw it from his peripheral view but stood there frozen. He couldn't turn and look at him. He knew perfectly well that embarrassing blush would return in a heartbeat. And no. If he ever wanted to gain back control this definitely needed to stop.

Instead he stared straight ahead. The two dancers were almost fluidly floating along the plain wall and their light was cutting a huge scar through the sterility of that snow-white prison.

Darling loved it. He immediately started to grin slightly again imagining it. But before he could even lose himself in that surreal world of a few brushstrokes that magically managed to imitate it so perfectly, he noticed his mouth mumbling the words he never would have dared to say out loud outside of this delirium.

"Just what I meant. Color brings more warmth into this house."

Only seconds later his words reached his brain though and Darling's eyes widened in an instance as his head whirled around. Roger was smirking though; his eyes almost softly resting on him.

"I...ugh... I didn't mean...," Darling tried to explain but his mind went completely blank that very moment. Shit. Why did he say that? It was not up to him to judge Roger's home in any way.

"Don't worry that much," Roger spoke after a while, still looking pretty amused. "You can speak freely around me too. I won't rip your head off."

Darling held his breath and then slowly lifted his head. And for the first time since he got here, their eyes met.

How long they stared at each other, none of them could actually tell. But somehow Darling for once felt completely calm that moment.

Roger still smiled. And he held that stare. Why wouldn't he turn his gaze away? And what was so funny? Was he laughing at him? Was he seeing him as some sort of silly child, talking nothing but nonsense?

"I...uh...I just think," he hesitated and turned his head away again. The grip on his bandaged arm tightened more and more. Damn. Why was this so hard? "I-I think all this white in white looks a bit..."

"Too modern? Too clean?" Roger asked baffled, turning his head around. "Too much unlike what you'd expect?"

"Cold," Darling only whispered and instinctively ducked away a little, just as if he'd expected some harsh reaction after giving away his opinion so freely.

Roger didn't move a muscle while his eyes fixated on the young man before him. Was that how he saw him? He turned his head and slowly looked around. It was true. These pictures looked like someone had spilled a paint pot accidentally and the colorful dots shone like rainbows through the icy atmosphere the house created. Suddenly all the rest looked so sterile; so empty... So...

Roger sighed. Cold. Bitter. In a way even icy. Darling was right. He'd never noticed it before but it was there now and he couldn't possibly ignore it.

"So, I am cold?" Roger closed his eyes and smiled; more to himself though.

"I didn't say that," Darling fired away immediately and Roger was surprised to find his brown eyes almost piercing him right away. It was the first time he seemed concerned about what Roger might thought. It took Darling only a second to realize it as well and quickly he backed away a little, holding his bandaged arm and lowering his gaze again. "It's just... You...You appear so...different at times."

That was a hard thing to tell him. Roger could see it. His body language was more than obvious.

Roger turned away and shook his head slightly. Funny. Why did this strike him? Darling had every right to think that. After all, he had been moody and grumpy ever since the boy came to live with them. Why was this such a hard thing to hear then all of a sudden? Did he want Darling to see him differently? This was strange.

He coughed slightly and turned around. Darling followed him with his eyes. He was certain this had been the little step too far. Roger would turn and leave him again, which in case wouldn't probably be the worst thing that could happen. But on the other hand he didn't really mean to insult him, even though he still didn't trust him.

So, Darling sighed and turned away as well. All this trying to verbalize his thoughts led to nothing. He shouldn't have started it. What was he thinking anyway? He couldn't even sort out the mess in his head himself, so how was he supposed to talk something into this guy just like that? They didn't know each other. Strangely enough they wouldn't even have looked at each other if it hadn't been for him accidentally bumping into Roger in the streets when he wasn't paying attention. So, how could he even dare to think they were on the same level other than just standing under the same roof?

Darling's gaze wandered over to the huge window. He glanced through the glass and saw the green of the tree-tops in the courtyard behind the house. They almost looked like they were stroking the roofs of the noble houses in the distance, which kind of built a wall between him and a straight view at the city. And as much as he tried, he could only make out a few of the huge buildings behind it. Manhattan was distant. It was strange. And most importantly it was something he'd never get used to.

And suddenly he felt cold. It didn't matter where he went or what he did. He'd be a stranger everywhere. Be it with the people in this house, who had been nothing but kind to him until now or that city, which he'd never gotten the chance to get to know a little better.

Darling slowly shook his head again, closing his eyes... Or Roger. It was all the same. They were strangers. They didn't know each other and, as hard as they might tried, they wouldn't find a way to change it.

"You like the city?"

Roger's voice sounded almost gentle next to him and made Darling look up in surprise. He raised one eyebrow at the guy, who – once more – stood next to him and smiled that all-knowing smile. Damn it. Was he observing him?

"You look at it all the time," Roger continued and followed Darling's gaze outside. "Whenever I've seen you, you're staring outside a window. Or looking up to the sky for that matter. I just concluded you must like it a lot."

Darling didn't answer for a few seconds but stared at him. The he took a deep breath and almost automatically his hand wandered up to hold his injured shoulder once more.

"I...," he hesitated. What was he supposed to say? Everything would have sounded unbelievable. "I kind of like it alright," he answered then silently. And immediately he knew Roger was turning to him again. "It kind of is freedom... and hell... all in one."

Why did he say that? He couldn't explain himself, but there was no way to take it back now.

"So, what's your favorite spot then?"

Roger's voice sounded softly and when Darling lifted his head in surprise, he found him smiling gently. How strange. What was this about? What was this guy planning? And more importantly was it safe to answer?

"Ugh... I-I can't really tell," Darling replied silently.

"Means there are too many?" Roger almost sounded like an echo, but this time it was a warm sound.

Darling blushed. Again. Damn it. He narrowed his eyes and tried to fixate a small spot on a vase next to him. Until he heard the tall man chuckling slightly.

"Alright, I am sorry," Roger said after a while. "I guess that was one too many questions for the beginning. Don't worry. You don't have to say anything."

"It means," Darling closed his eyes as though he hoped it would make the situation less odd. "It means I don't know. I've never spent too much time in the city."

"But...," He could feel Roger inhaling his own words and swallowing them. But probably only to prevent himself from asking again. "You...you were..:"

"I know," And finally Darling turned to face the tall man again. "I haven't been living in the streets. But even though I was born in New York I hardly ever left the house... Until..." He squinted his eyes as though trying to sake away something his own words reminded him of. "It doesn't matter anyway. I'm bound to see it now. Sooner or later."

Roger didn't reply anything for a very long time. And Darling seriously started to wonder why he said what he'd said. He had been so sure not to mention anything from his past, especially not to this man. But it just happened. And now there was no turning back. And a lot more was bound to happen. Questions. Comments. Accusations even if he really came closer to him after that. And the silence was uncomfortable. Scary even.

But then, without a warning really, he felt Roger's hand grabbing his wrist gently and pulling him towards the stairs and then down in the huge marble hallway. Roger let go of him again when they reached the end of the stairs.

"Wait a second," He smiled at Darling and then left him baffled only to run up again and vanish inside Darling's room.

Darling on the other hand remained petrified and only looked after him with wide eyes. Whatever this was about he couldn't tell, but it sure surprised him a lot. Was this a trick? Or a new outburst?

He wasn't really able to sort his thoughts when Roger appeared next to him again. He looked different. Almost happy in a way and he wore a long elegant black coat.

"Here," he said and gently bend towards the younger man, who still wasn't able to move but simply stared at him questioning. With one elegant move he swung a smaller black coat over Darling's shoulders. Darling felt the noble looking cloth like a warm wave that came over him and turned his head to look at it for a second and then back to Roger. He raised one eyebrow, waiting for an explanation.

"Come on," Roger grinned as he opened the glass front door and waited for Darling to move.

"What?" he asked hesitantly and stepped back a little without really noticing it.

"If you've never seen it I'll show you," Roger answered, still smiling. "Born in New York and never seen the city? No, it's about time!"

He wasn't sure at first if he'd heard correctly. And Darling knew his eyes widened in an unbelieving stare but still he let Roger reach for his arm again and without really being able to do anything he let that man lead him outside.

…...

It felt like another world. Darling had never been in Central Park before. He'd heard of it of course. But he'd never managed to escape this far into New York.

This place was fascinating. A huge oasis in the middle of a noisy and rough city. A total contrast between the huge buildings and narrow streets and the millions of people just following their ways. It was green in here. And silent. Amazingly silent. A fact that fascinated the young man more than anything. If he didn't know better he almost forgot he was still in the midst of a vibrant metropolis.

And he looked around a lot. There were fountains and statues, little pavilions, sometimes small buildings and colorful brick-stone roads. Sometimes the roads became mere trails but still the plants and seemingly ancient streetlamps made even them appear to be streets leading into some kind of magical world. Completely different from everything he'd known so far. And from time to time the huge boulders seemed like old castle walls or enormous sleeping giants, peacefully watching over the old city whose buildings were still to be seen everywhere in the distance like lookout towers.

Darling didn't really know how to cope with the feelings arising in him but he knew he'd never seen a place this magical. It was like walking in a dream.

He would turn his head around each time a bunch of children ran past him, playing tag. And sometimes he would simply stop to breathe in the delicate notes of yet another violinist, playing his heart out in some corner of the crooked lanes.

"I can't believe you've never been here before."

Darling opened his eyes again when he heard the voice of Roger in a distance. He was still there. Funny, he'd completely forgotten about him. But now that reality set back in he remembered that it had been him who brought him here. He must have walked silently next to him the whole time. And yes, it was true. After they'd walked through the city the whole morning Roger had decided to come here to get some piece. They hadn't talked much after leaving the house but after they'd set foot in Central Park, Darling couldn't recall one word having been exchanged between the two of them.

"You enjoy it, right?" Roger smiled now that he was sure Darling's attention was back.

"It's amazing," The young man had to admit and for the first time Roger spotted a delightful sparkle in his eyes as he observed the world around him like a child.

"I used to come here very often when life got too busy," Roger added, looking straight ahead again. "I loved the silence. Good for clearing one's mind."

"So why did you bring me here?" Darling asked silently and stared at his feet.

"What do you mean?" Roger stopped suddenly.

"You didn't have to do this," Darling answered. "And silence is something you can find in your house as well."

Roger just stared back at him for a while. His smile had vanished. And it was hard for Darling to tell what he was thinking. Whether he was angry or offended or simply felt caught, he couldn't tell. Yet he didn't dare to move. He held Roger's gaze, waiting patiently for any reaction.

This just couldn't be all. He'd been thinking about it a lot since they've left that darn house and the only conclusion he came to was either this guy was trying to mock him or would have planned something. Maybe he wanted to get rid of him after all. Not that this was a problem to Darling but he felt all this playing around it was a bit too much, especially since he'd witnessed how choleric Roger could be. Why would he turn his personality around just like that? There had to be a reason.

"I told you what this is about...," Roger answered after an eternity. But oddly enough it was not more than a whisper. "I thought it would make you happy. And maybe helps to kill that suspicion you still carry against me in your head."

Darling's face changed that very moment. He glared at that guy in a sinister way all of a sudden. And then he made a small movement just as if he wanted to step back. Maybe he'd run. Roger couldn't define what was going on in him but somehow his words seemed to arouse something inside of the young man. Something rather serious.

Darling set one foot behind his other and really seemed to seek a distance to him right now. Unfortunately, he didn't get far as one of the kids who ran around them the whole time crashed into him and fell over in a dull thumb, landing in the sand of the road.

Darling whirled around in shock. The child wasn't less surprised to say the least. The boy looked up at him with wide eyes and only seconds later started to cry frantically. Roger couldn't even grasp it right away when Darling was already on his knees besides the boy and patted his back gently.

"Oh, Sweetie. I am so sorry. Did you hurt yourself?" He asked in a soft, high voice Roger had never heard on him until now.

The child opened his eyes and sobbed once or twice while looking Darling directly in the face. For a moment it seemed he was torn between accusing the man in front of him or trusting his kind voice. But the decision followed promptly.

"I hurt my knee," he answered under his tears and rubbed his eyes.

"Oh no, let me see," Darling bent forward and used the hand he was able to move to softly stroke over the boy's knee twice.

"Ouch. Careful," the boy moaned. "It hurts."

Darling smirked slightly and looked up to the boy in front of him. And for the first time his gaze changed. He cast a meek, soothing look and lifted the corners of his mouth into a smile. And this, Roger was sure for once, was an earnest smile. He had to grin witnessing it. So this was what he looked like when he forgot about all his fears and suspicions. This was a hint of Darling the way he really was. And funny enough, he looked so different all of a sudden. Roger couldn't even tell why. All he knew was he felt a strange wave of affection coming over him that moment. And for once, he wished someone would look at him like that only once in his life.

And just when that thought reached his awareness he quickly shook his head.

What was that?

"Aw, nothing happened," Darling replied to the boy. "See?"

The Boy didn't believe him. He stared at his own knee but the huge crocodile tears still rolled down his cheeks and he still breathed heavily. So, Darling covered the small scratch which looked more like a red mark on the knee of the child with his hand.

"Do you believe I can conjure it away?" Darling asked a little mysterious and raised one eyebrow but never losing his smile.

"No way," The boy's eyes widened. "There's no such thing."

"I beg you pardon?" Darling raised his voice to a very high-pitched version of himself and pouted. "If you don't believe me I shall turn and leave. And leave that scar there forever."

"No! No! Please, Sir," the Boy sat upright in less than a second and pulled Darling's sleeve energetically. All the tears from a minute ago were forgotten in an instance. It only caused the young man to snicker under his breath. Something Roger found profoundly fascinating. More than anything ever before. "I didn't want to offend you. Please, show me. I didn't mean it."

"You swear?"

"I swear," the boy whispered in excitement. "Please."

"Pinky swear?" Darling held up his finger and grinned at the boy, who nodded enthusiastically.

"Pinky swear!" Their fingers crossed.

"Alright, but you must never tell," Darling grinned and cupped the knee of the boy again with his hand. The child tried to look through it. To see what he was doing. From the left first; then from the right. But he wasn't really able to spot anything. A fact which encouraged his amazement even more. Darling moved a little closer and pulled a small piece of cloth out from under his coat. He blew on the boy's knee three short times and in an amazing speed tied the white fabric around it. He finished it with a loose knot. It all went so quick, Roger had to admit he was quite impressed; especially since Darling could only really use one arm freely.

And when he was finished he leaned back slightly and presented his work in a huge gesture.

"There you go!" He said cheerfully.

The boy on the other hand seemed disappointed.

"This ain't no magic," he said and squinted his eyes. "It's just a bandage."

"Why, of course this is magic," Darling acted offended once more, crossing his arms. "This, young man, is not a normal bandage. I got this from an old witch and she promised me everything this fabric touches will heal within no time. But it will only work if people believe in its power. So, tell me. Did I choose the right one? Do you believe?"

"Is that true?" the boy asked again and his eyes widened.

"I'd never lie to you," Darling raised one hand and moved the other one over his chest to let it rest on his heart. "I swear to the old enchantress's life, it's true. And believe me, she'll hear for she's still alive."

"Did she do this to your arm?" He pointed at the sling around Darling's neck. "Did you have to fight her to get this cloth?"

"Oh this?" Darling stared at his own injured arm for a second and then held up his finger to his mouth as if it was a secret no one but them should know about. "Pirates did this!"

"Pirates?"

"Yes," Darling nodded and moved a little closer, now almost whispering to the boy. "The witch was their prisoner."

"Why?"

"She had the idea of changing the way they were; of changing the world," he explained. "The way they thought. And she believed there was no need in steeling from people; leaving them with nothing but destruction and even murdering them."

"She was a good witch then?" The boy hung on the lips of Darling, who nodded.

"She thought she was," he answered. "But apparently the pirates didn't seem to think so. They captured her and carried her far away from her land. They were determined to change her point of view for to them, every form of cruelty, discrimination and unfairness was a noble profession. Something decent, if you like. Only real men were able to act like it. A picture like the witch had in mind didn't fit in their world. They feared that female aspect would make them turn weak."

"Did they try to kill her?"

"They did indeed," Darling answered now a little more sincere. "With everything they had. They've beaten her and threatened her. They took away everything she loved. And you must know the pirates were way too many for the witch. After they'd tortured her, she had been certain they'd won. There was no way for her to carry on."

"How did she get away?"

"She used a trick," Darling explained. "Disguising as someone else was her way to escape. Or so she thought."

"How did you manage to get your arm mangled then?" The boy asked.

"I met her when she was imprisoned in the pirate's cave. I worked there as a cabin boy because a pirate's life seemed decent to me that time too. But after talking to her for a while I started to see things a little differently. So, I agreed to help her. She could only escape in the shape of someone else," Darling smiled again. "And I offered her my body as a transport. Unfortunately, the pirates saw through it and attacked me."

"But you did get out?" The boy asked in awe.

Darling started to chuckle, leaning back a bit. "Well, I am here, am I not?"

"And did she leave then to live in peace?"

"She did, but she's hiding now," Darling put one hand on the shoulder of the boy. "And she gave me this cloth to say thank you. It is a piece of her magical coat. And she told me what I just told you. If people really believe in her this cloth will do them nothing but good. So, I am asking you. Does it still hurt?"

"No! Not at all, Sir," The boy smiled brightly. "It's already gone. And I bet there's already no wound to see at all."

"That's what I meant," Darling smiled at him. "So, you can keep it if you like. But never forget that nothing can hurt you. Every pain is bound to vanish. The witch will always try to do some good as long as you remember her name somewhere deep inside."

The boy nodded quickly and arose from the ground.

"I will remember," he said. "Thank you, Sir."

"You're most welcome," Darling answered softly and watched the boy getting ready to leave him.

"What was her name?" the boy turned halfway around again only to look at Darling one last time.

Darling bend his head back, closed his eyes and smiled widely. He turned his head towards a street nearby and seemed to fixate his gaze on the cars passing them in a loud roar. He took a deep breath and inhaled deeply. A releasing sparkle suddenly appeared in his eyes and his face transformed into a mischievous grin somehow.

Roger followed his gaze. But all he could see was a new looking car standing there close to them and waiting to continue its ride. It's motor almost sounded like thunder when it started again and it took only seconds to be just a little spot in that ocean of vehicles around them.

"Her name," Darling said after it left. "Was Carmen... Carmen the good."

That seemed to satisfy the boy. He nodded once more and then turned to run over the huge meadow towards his friends. The wind carried their laughter over to Roger and Darling who still remained where they were, looking after them.

Darling still knelt on the ground motionless. He looked at the children playing there in the distance and suddenly felt a funny wave of grief coming over him. Even if his life depended on it he wasn't able to tell why exactly.

A hand reached for him and made him twitch for a second. Lifting his head again he looked up at Roger, whose eyes brightly smiled and held his hand stretched out to him. And now, Darling didn't wait for a question. As peculiar as this was, they needed no questions right now. Or words for that matter.

He lifted his arm and took Rogers warm hand. The older man gently pulled him up to his feet again. One last look after that boy and he turned to pull the coat over the oversized white shirt he was wearing.

"It was a handkerchief," he said then, almost not audible. "I've found it in your coat. I hope you don't mind. I will replace it otherwise."

But Roger shook his head without losing his smile.

"I think I can spare it," he answered silently. "Something as valuable as a piece of a witch's coat was never meant to remain hidden in the dark pockets of a coat."

He winked at Darling, who blushed immediately and tuned his eyes away from him. Roger's words embarrassed him somehow.

"You like children, don't you?" Roger asked again, turning to look at the playing little ones in the distance.

"I always loved them," Darling replied without hesitation. Then he took a deep breath. "It's the only thing that makes me sad each time I think about it. I will never be able to have some of my own."

He didn't think about it that moment. He didn't plan it. But that moment Roger felt the urge to lay his arm around Darling's shoulders. And much to his surprise the young man didn't seem to mind for once. He jeered slightly and without a word both of them slowly carried on their walk.

They didn't speak for quite a while. They just kept on moving.

Darling felt no need to speak. His mind still wandered. Back to that boy. Back to that story. Back to everything that had happened. And when he realized how the wicked shadow of sadness came over him again, for once, he was secretly happy not to be alone right now. Even if this was Roger. Even if this whole being with him was forced. He felt glad. And it confused him deeply.

Hesitantly he looked up to him from the corners of his eyes.

The tall guy just looked ahead. He didn't say anything and he didn't seek his eyes. Still, he had his arm around him and, yes Darling had to call it that, made sure he was secure in his own insecurity that moment. This was new.

"You know," he heard Roger speak after what seemed like an eternity. "That story was pretty interesting. I can't get it out of my head."

Darling raised his brows slightly and crinkled his mouth a little, trying hard to avoid yet another smile.

"A stupid little story made up to calm down a child," he answered then. "Nothing special."

And suddenly Roger stopped again.

"Oh no," he replied determinedly. "No, I think it's a lot more."

Darling stopped now too. Because he'd kept on walking a few steps he turned to look at the other man again. He'd let go of him. How strange. All of a sudden all that suspicion came crawling back to him. He felt it immediately.

"More?"

Roger nodded. "I think every story has a little bit of truth in it. And the way you told it didn't seem made up. At least not to me."

Darling touched his shoulder in an instance just as though hearing these words reminded him of his own pain again. Then he shook his head and stared back to the ground.

"Not this time."

"Can it be," Roger came closer once more. He was careful, but still he did. Darling felt his presence like an uncomfortable tingle that kind of alarmed his body and literally screamed 'Pay Attention!'.

"Could it be some part of this wasn't made up?"

Darling's eyes widened. His head shot up again and instinctively he backed away.

"A...A story of witches and pirates?" he asked. It was then Roger knew he was on the right path. Darling had never shown such insecurity in his voice before. At least not to him. He usually acted tough and stubborn. "Has someone hit you on the head somewhere in your past? There's no such thing as magic..."

"This wasn't what I meant," Roger insisted and still moved closer. "And you know it."

Darling started to panic. He felt it in himself. That man was intimidating. Right now more than ever. And even though he sounded calm and nigh caring, there was something extremely alarming about him.

Darling ducked away and almost jumped a few inches away from him. This felt like an attack, even though Roger stopped immediately and didn't move anymore.

"Knowing what?" Darling asked and now clearly noticed how scared he sounded all of a sudden. This was something new, even to him. Or maybe just the plain awareness was.

"Can I ask you something?" Roger stood completely motionless and for a second Darling hated that pitiful look he cast at him more than anything. He needed no pity. And definittely not from him. Yet, at the same time he was astounded about the answer that popped out of his mouth without him really controlling it.

"Ask!"

Mentally, he knew what was going to come. Deep down inside he was prepared for what was about to follow. The questions he dreaded. About his past. About his life before he picked him up in the streets. About his wounds. Everything Darling tried so hard not to think about.

"Why is it that you play that part?" Roger asked.

Darling's eyes widened. His head shot up at the man in front of him and he felt shocked. Shocked by that unexpected question. Shocked by the fact Roger knew. He knew perfectly well he was putting on a mask.

"You're not at all like that. You try not to show it but it shines through every time you feel safe," Roger answered sincerely. "But then there's that huge fear inside of you. About everything. The world. People. Words. And I think most of all your own thoughts. And I'd really like to understand the reason."

Darling's breath fastened. He wanted to run. Scream. Kick around and wave his arms. But he stood completely petrified. Was this what people saw? Oh, forget people... This guy. Why was it he saw through him every single time, just as though he was an open book with his story being written in bright red letters. Only Roger wasn't able to tell which language it was. For a second the tiny thought of telling Roger what he wanted to know literally screamed at him. He could almost hear his own voice telling what had happened, until the images of that night flickered in front of his eyes like a lightning bolt. That crowd, that gun. Daniel...

And suddenly Darling felt that huge anxiety crawling up from somewhere deep inside of him again. It almost turned him numb and he felt dizzy. He grabbed his hair as though pulling it would make him forget and squinted his eyes up to the point of hurting them. Then, he shook his head and felt that fear exploding into an unexpected anger.

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" he screamed and beamed at Roger again so quickly, the tall man almost jumped back in surprise. "NOTHING HAPPENED, OKAY?! I AM WHAT YOU SEE. I ACT AS I AM! SO, STOP STICKING YOUR GOD-DAMN NOSE INTO THINGS THAT DON'T CONCERN YOU!"

"What?" Roger's face changed. "Relax, will you?"

"DO IT YOURSELF!" Darling raged. "You can't even sort out your own life. You're bossing people around. You must have it your way or otherwise you'll terrorize everyone around you. All you think about is your perfect, pathetic life and what guy you can shag the next night! So stop acting as though you're concerned about me! I cost you a fortune. I know that..."

"I JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL BETTER," Roger yelled back, having swallowed the accusations until now. "DON'T YOU DARE ACCUSING ME OF BEING SELFISH WHEN I AM LOOKING AFTER YOU. YOU SHOULD FACE THE FACT. YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE!... Oh, don't give me that face! I know! Everybody knows. It's not that big a deal to figure out!"

"I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR REASON TO SATISFY YOUR VANITY!" Darling didn't notice the tears in his eyes. Or his shaking hand. Or the way he clung to his wounded arm again as though he wanted to prevent it from any more harm. "I AM NOT A PET! I am not the thing you've found in the streets and keep just to show off how great you are!"

Roger took a deep breath, but suddenly his face changed again. He let his arms fall and his head sink slowly but never broke that eye contact with Darling.

"Your way of living may suit you alright," Darling still screamed. He couldn't stop and his anger grew to a new dimension as Roger approached him again slowly. "But don't expect me to live up to your expectations. I cannot do this. All I want is to leave you! You and your sick house!"

"Is that all?" Roger said with a firm strong voice, opening his arms wide. "Come on, now's your chance! Spill your guts!"

"You're arrogant and spoiled," Darling continued while trying to fight back the tears that blurred his sight more and more. "You have all of them under control and they're stupid for believing your doing it for them! Truth is your the most egoistic, manic, choleric person ever just to hide you're god-damn lonely! And why?"

"Why?" Roger was so frighteningly close now, Darling felt the warmth of his body like a wall. Instinctively he lifted both his arms to prevent him from coming closer, even though he could hardly see him anymore. He even turned his head away and closed his eyes quickly. A stinging pain shot through his shoulder the moment he moved it. But Darling didn't mind. He wanted to turn and run but somehow he couldn't. He was stuck there. As much as he hated it his body didn't obey him anymore.

"Because there's no one worth giving that up in your life," Darling's voice cracked as he spoke those words. "Because no one gives a damn about you. Because you are alone, no matter how many people you gather in your house!"

He felt Roger's hands around his wrists. It was a soft grip but still he wasn't able to move his arms anymore. Darling tried to bend away from him but only seconds later collapsed on Roger's chest, feeling his arms gently moving to his back and pressing him to his body. He tried to fight it but his body felt weak and his head dull. And at the same time he felt Roger's breath on his hair; his warm arms around him. Darling was able to hear his heartbeat having his own head leaned on his chest and he smelled him all round him.

"Keep going," Roger said very calmly as he softly started to stroke the younger man's back.

Darling felt the strength in his arms vanish and he adhered to Roger's shirt as though it was the only thing that kept him from falling. He'd lost now. He could feel it. His tears fell uncontrollably down his face and his whole body shook under his sobs.

"You just don't know," Darling was certain, if his voice wasn't already gone, he'd be screaming now. But instead, only a weird squeak- like whispering was what he'd once called his voice. "You have no idea how life really is! You could be so much more! You have every condition to be happy! To have people really like you! I don't! … Oh God... God knows I don't! Not anymore! "

Roger rested his head on Darling's head and his hug tightened. At the same time Darling almost flung his arms around his, pressing his body closer to him. He pressed his face closer to Roger's chest and didn't care at all about his tears soaking his shirt right now.

"People leave," he cried. "And they take everything away. No one can cling to a life the way it should be for it won't work out. It never will. Everything is just a maze of moments. But no one stays! There's always someone to ruin it!"

"And you think I'm ruining it for you?" Roger whispered back softly.

"No," Darling didn't think anymore. The pain he felt was too much. "You're the first person who's shown some kindness towards me without expecting something in return... And that confuses me, okay? All the time I keep asking myself what it really is that you want... I am alone, okay? I know that. And now I know you know too. There's just no one and all the time I feel like screaming as loud as I am able to but no one is able to hear me. And suddenly you come along and you seem to know more of me than I ever dared to think about... It just doesn't feel right. And yet, it does."

Roger didn't reply promptly but waited patiently until Darling calmed down. At least he hoped the younger man did for his breaths became more even and his body stopped shaking after a while.

"You've never met anyone kind to you?" Roger asked then.

"Once," Darling opened his hurting eyes slowly as he got calmer. Why he didn't know. "But he left..."

There was a long pause on Roger's side. Darling just lay in his arms slowly breathing in and out. What was this feeling? Warm and safe. He sensed nothing in this great, dangerous world could hurt him. Not while the arms of that stranger covered him like a blanket.

"He left you?" Roger asked after an eternity.

Darling nodded slightly.

"He died...," Darling's whisper was so silent he couldn't really imagine someone heard it. But immediately Roger tightened his grip even more. He pressed his cheek to Darlings, who let his arms fall and hung there loosely, not really being able to sort out the million things he felt and yet not felt right now. Why did he get the feeling of not belonging anywhere else but right here that very moment?

But then, Roger suddenly let go of him, only holding that connection by still touching Darling's shoulders. He reached out and softly made the young man lift his head and look at him by tilting his chin gently.

"Listen," Roger stared him directly in the eyes, carefully wiping away his tears with his thumb. "Whatever happened... It wasn't your fault!"

"Yes, it was," Darling still cried. "All of it. I am no good person to be around. So, the sooner you'll get rid of me the better..."

Roger chuckled silently. "You see? Take that statement alone. No bad person would put my well-being before his own."

Darling held his breath and for the first time, really listened.

"Not for someone as selfish and spoiled as me," Roger smiled warmly and winked at him once. Darling's face blushed again. "But I can assure you, I am not expecting a thing of you. Never have, never will! All I care about is you getting better. And after that I am willing to help you find a place to stay if you let me. You're no prisoner to my house as is no one else."

Darling wanted to ask the question in his mind, but Roger seemed to read even that one.

"They all had troubles being who they are," Roger continued calmly. "Shirley was kicked out of her home. Brian couldn't afford his apartment after he lost his job when they found out. Kevin was left by his wife and children after he discovered he didn't love her the way he was supposed to and wanted to end his life rather than living alone in shame."

Darling watched him with huge eyes. If this was true, it cast a whole different light on everything. It meant what Scott had told him was indeed true. And they weren't at all his faithful housemaids he kept there after having had enough fun with them.

"What about Scott?" Darling asked then weakly.

"Scott," Roger lowered his head slightly and laughed silently. "Well, I'm afraid Scott is the one exception."

"How so?"

"He and I... We used to be more than friends," Roger replied, looking up at him again. Darling felt his heart sink. Just as though someone had punched him in the stomach that very second. "But it didn't really work out. So we agreed on not continuing it. Not pretending there weren't any barricades."

"So, you're keeping him there to remind you of that?" Darling asked hesitantly, but Roger immediately shook his head.

"He told me his heart would break if I ever send him away," Roger said. "Even if this being together wasn't meant for us, he told me he needed to feel I am alright. I've actually never asked him why he felt this was a necessity," Roger laughed thinking about it. "But I couldn't be so heartless and kick him out. I just couldn't. So, he stayed. And after a few years we got so used to it, there was no way to imagine it had ever been differently. And I took them in. They are all amazingly talented people. I offered them jobs and after a while we've managed to create a team that always works together."

And for the first time since that man first spoke to him that day in the streets, Darling understood everything he'd just told him. For the first time ever a stranger made sense to him. And for the first time ever he believed every word Roger said. He nodded. Mainly because he wanted to give him a clue what had just happened inside of him. And to his great relief, Roger's smile widened. The tall man straightened up and stretched out his arms widely.

At first, Darling didn't understand what this was about, but then Roger spoke again.

"I know it's hard to trust me," he said. "You've only known a glimpse of me for a couple of weeks and I haven't done much to earn your trust, I admit. But if you think your anger will vanish a little if you felt I mean it, I want to ask you a favor."

Darling held his shoulder again as he motionless watched that guy.

"Hit me," Roger said.

"What?" Darling stepped back a little and looked around a little uncertain.

"You heard me," Roger still smiled. "I won't attack you. I won't scream. And I certainly won't take revenge of any kind."

"I-I can't...just," Darling stuttered, but Roger was quicker.

"Come on, now," his voice grew louder again. "It's what you wanted to do since I've found you, isn't it? Well, now you can. Come on! Do it!"

"I won't!" Darling said and looked away, but didn't move.

"Why so scared all of a sudden?" Roger yelled now. "Remember what kind of person I am! Selfish! Rich and spoiled! Every night screwing another guy just out of fun!"

"Stop it!"

"Well, it's true! Maybe this is part of my scheme! Part of my rotten personality!"

"STOP IT!"

"You could be next, you know?" Roger screamed at him. "You and your little pathetic self-doubt! I could get you any time! After all I know what to tell people to make them do what I want!"

"I SAID STOP!"

Darling lifted his hand and only a heartbeat later his fist hit Roger heavily in his face. The older man fell to the ground and the sound of that strike seemingly echoed through the air, above the meadows and through Darling's whole being. He didn't even notice what had happened until he felt his fist starting to ache like hell. His eyes widened even more and he immediately clutched his hand in front of his mouth, not being able to take his gaze away from Roger on the ground. What had he done? Why did he do it?

Roger twitched. And then he slowly got up again by carefully bracing his arm on his knee and setting one leg after te other until he stood upright again. And then, incredibly calm, he started to tap off the dirt from his clothes.

"Here we go," His voice was calm again and Darling could swear he heard a grin in it. "Now, that wasn't so hard to do, was it?"

When Roger turned to him again, Darling almost bit his lips. If he could have seen his own face right now, he was certain it would look drained from every last drip of blood.

Roger's wavy hair hung in loose strains above his eyes. He shook his head to the side graciously and made them fly back in a soft whiff. On his left cheek a big bruise was to be seen and the skin was slightly burst open. Little strings of blood slowly began to down his face.

"Oh my God," Darling whispered in shock. "I am sorry... I...I..."

"It's alright," Roger shook his head at him and smiled even wider. Then he carefully stepped closer to Darling again, always alerted not to scare him away through sudden movements or anything like that. "I think we're pretty even now."

Darling felt himself nodding, even though he was still too shocked to properly control his movements.

"That was probably what both of us needed," Roger grinned.

"Why both of us?" Darling asked.

"Sometimes desperate measures are required to get your feet back on the ground," he shrugged. "Do you think we could stop fighting each other now and try a different path?"

"What do you suggest?" Darling asked and was surprised himself how his defense fell.

"Being suspicious and angry clearly didn't work," Roger smiled. "We could try to get along for once. Maybe we'd find something new on both sides."

Darling listened to him. And he listened carefully. He did mean it. He couldn't say why but Roger meant every word. He wasn't angry. Not for the many dreadful things Darling had shot at him, nor about that physical attack just moments ago.

Could it be, he'd judged him wrong the whole time?

"Promise me," Darling began silently and knew in an instance Roger was listening. "Promise me, you won't ask any questions. Can you do that? Because if you can..."

Roger straightened up again.

"I am sure I could find a way to try too," Darling said and much to his surprise lifted his mouth into a soft smile as well.

Roger nodded immediately. He came closer and flung his arm over Darling's shoulders.

"Let's go home," Roger answered.

….

When Roger opened the front door of the huge Town-house, his roommates literally fluttered towards him like a bunch of scared up chickens.

"Roger, thank God you're back!" Kevin hyperventilated. "We've been wondering where you went."

Roger didn't answer right away, but carefully kept on opening the door, pushing Scott aside to make a little room.

"There's something you should know," Brian continued without taking a breath.

"And what's that?" Roger's attention was at the door still.

"Darling," Scott spoke now too.

"What about him?"

"Roger," Shirley stepped forward. "Darling's gone."

"We...We couldn't do a thing," Brian immediately caught up with her. "He was already when we arrived here. We're so sorry, Rog!"

"What's happened to your face?" Scott asked, spotting the wound on his cheek.

"Oh God, Roger," Kevin noticed now too. "Is everything alright? What happened?"

Roger didn't reply anything but stepped aside making way in the entrance. Darling lingered behind him and as soon as Roger stepped aside, all of their eyes were on the young man again. They were speechless. None of them moved and none of them dared to say a word.

"Don't you worry," Roger laughed heartily, seeing their faces. "He was with me. Everything's alright."

He lifted his arm to show Darling the way up the stairs. The young man smiled at him honestly and without a word climbed up the way to his room. Roger closed te front door and followed him with his gaze, smiling softly. It was then he noticed his four friends still staring at him, not believing what they just witnessed.

"Will you excuse me?" Roger bowed a little in a very theatrical manner and then followed Darling up the stairs.

The four of them didn't move a bit but looked after them in an unbelieving shock-induced paralysis.

Roger accompanied Darling to his door. They didn't speak at all until the young man stopped and Roger leaned forward to open it for him. Darling smiled again. And oh, Roger only really realized now how much he loved seeing him smile. How beautiful a smile could be. This was new. Somehow...

"So, goodnight," Darling said in a soft smooth voice, Roger hadn't heard on him before.

"Goodnight," he replied gently and stroked over the young man's cheek once. "Try to sleep."

Darling nodded and then turned to step inside.

"I know I promised, but...," He heard Roger's voice again. Darling's mind told him not to but still he did. "Allow me one question before stopping forever."

Darling had to grin and then nodded.

"What's your name?" Roger asked but never once turned his soft eyes away.

Darling sighed. Of course... The obvious one. He closed his eyes only once for a short moment, but resisted that urge to flee again. He'd agreed not to. And maybe giving that man a chance was indeed what could change this tensed staying here. A little at least. So, Darling decided to be honest with him for once.

"I... I can't tell you," he replied slowly. "It's not that I don't know. But answering that question would lead to a lot more. Believe me. A whole lot more."

"I understand," Roger interrupted him.

"You do?"

"Yes," Roger nodded and once more stroked over Darling's head softly. "You don't have to. But thank you for being honest."

Then, he turned and walked down the stairs again. Darling couldn't help but watch after him until he couldn't see him anymore.

~To be continued~

Chapter 6: Carmen Ghia

Chapter Text

„I still think it's kind of spooky to witness this."

Brian slowly lifted the long curtain in the living room that now hung over the transparent doors which divided the huge room into several parts. All the others sat on the couches, which were newly rearranged and formed a nice circle around the marble table in the middle. A lot had changed somehow. Best shown and for everyone to see in the decoration of the huge townhouse. The living-room alone was sprinkled with colorful carpets here and there and all upholsteries were now shining in either bright red or another color that matched the surrounding perfectly. Huge pink pillows were to be found on each of the couches and their shapes and sizes varied almost unpredictably. Massive pots containing different bouquets were arranged around every closet and the shelves were filled with little figurines and flowery chinaware. The white in the house was almost gone. That or this explosion of color killed every impression of it.

Shirley, Scott and Brian looked worried.

"He let him do too much," Scott said carefully and earned immediate looks from his fellow roommates. "Well, it's true. You're all thinking it."

"He's right," Kevin agreed.

"It's as though he's someone completely different suddenly," Brian joined in while still looking through the glass-door into the huge yard of the house. "Buying all this stuff all of a sudden and making this place look like the queer Versailles of Manhattan."

"He's letting Darling do this," Kevin answered.

"Well, what's the fuss about then?" Shirley jumped in. "I mean I kind of like it. At least he's got taste."

"And what if people will notice?" Kevin asked slightly scared. "What if anybody will just take a small glimpse inside? They will know in a heartbeat. "

"It's more about Roger," Brian said, still not looking at them.

"What do you mean?" Scott asked.

"Well, look at him," he said, waving his hand slightly to make them get up.

The small group was immediately on their feet and joined him by the huge window-like door. They pressed their faces to the window-pane and squeezed together to get a better look.

Roger and Darling stood on the huge balcony, which lead to the courtyard that lay hidden from anyone's sight. Roger leaned against the balustrade while Darling rearranged yet another huge pot of flowers to fit in with the army of plants out there, which underlined the impression of a "soon to be"-jungle even more. It was clear to be seen Darling enjoyed this kind of work immensely. He barely seemed to notice the world around him and smiled. A lot. A picture none of them had seen a lot ever since he'd moved in with them.

Roger on the other hand leaned close to him, only observing their young guest carefully.

"So what's so strange about that?" Scott asked after a moment of watching that scene.

"He's spending more and more time with Darling whenever he's not working," Brian answered.

"Nothing new. We've noticed that weeks ago," Shirley replied a little annoyed. "Maybe he is just trying to get to know him a little better."

"Or trying to find out about him," Kevin jumped in.

But Brian only shook his head slightly while he turned his eyes towards Roger and Darling again.

"And let him redecorate everything in here?" he started. "No, I don't really think that's what this is about."

"I can see where this is heading to," Scott smiled at him gently.

"What?" Shirley turned her head towards them again. "Will you please share your subliminal conversation with us too? 'Cause I am kind of not following."

"She's right," Kevin agreed, nodding his head slightly and looking a little reproachful.

"Well, look at his eyes," Brian continued, pointing outside.

All of them pressed their faces against the widow again.

Roger smiled. His eyes were soft and warm while he watched Darling all that time; never leaving him out of sightx. They seemed calm and …yes, in a way almost loving.

And suddenly it hit them like a ton of bricks.

"No way!" Shirley looked shocked and surprised at the same time. "Do you think…?"

Brian nodded. "I think it's a little more than getting to know him. I think he's interested in his little foundling."

"Come on now," Kevin interrupted him. "Roger? He's never really interested in anyone …at least not in a romantic way. You know him. He brings yet another guy around whenever he feels like it."

"Exactly," Scott couldn't suppress a smile, addressing Kevin. "And have you ever seen him looking at one of them like that?"

"Well…," All of them turned to look at Roger once more. He really looked different. Calmer in a way and more relaxed. His usual mood swings had almost vanished and he didn't seem to care at all that anyone who walked in the town house might find out about them all. It was almost as though he gave a damn about hiding right now. And the reason for that possibly sat there right in front of him. Indeed, so much had changed since he'd been out with Darling that one day. He never told them what exactly had happened but it had to be nothing bad. On the contrary. It was almost as though Darling now lighted the room very time he entered it and it had been only a matter of time until they were bound to notice.

"I think we should keep an eye on that though," Shirley said suddenly, taking her eyes away from the window and turned her back on the others.

"Why?" Scott lifted his head now too.

"You know pretty damn well why," Shirley answered, looking at him sincerely. "You should know."

Their stare went on for a while until the others also turned to watch their two buddies and maybe, just maybe catch something of their non-spoken conversation. And after what seemed like an eternity, Scott nodded slightly.

"Roger tends to do stuff like that until he's not interested anymore," Shirley explained then, turning towards the others. "You know this game."

"But…"

"No," Shirley interrupted. "I know what you are thinking. And believe me I do not grudge Roger this… But I think it's not fair to play with Darling like this."

"Did you grow fond of him?" Kevin grinned in her direction, earning himself a look that could kill.

"She's right," Scott nodded again. "After all, none of us knows what Darling has been through. And this could destroy more than anything else."

Brian and Kevin listened to them carefully and then closed their eyes, folded their arms and pouted their mouths, nodding.

"Well," Kevin started then. "Maybe we're worrying too much. After all, Darling doesn't look differently. Whatever you see there in Roger's eyes… It's not the same with Darling."

"Or maybe, we just don't know him good enough to see the difference," Brian smiled.

"Or Shirley is just letting her female side out for once and her maternal instinct just cares way too much about Darling after all this time now," Kevin grinned deviously at him.

He regretted it immediately all it earned him was a clout coming from Shirley within a second.

"Ouch!"

"You better watch your mouth," she snorted, crossing her arms but blushing slightly.

Scott and Brian giggled.

"Well, let's just hope you're right though," Scott added, casting another look at Roger and Darling.
_______________

 

"This should be enough."

Darling straightened himself getting up from the ground and wiped the sweat away from his forehead before looking at a huge pot of pink flowers he had thrust from one side of the veranda to another until it perfectly camouflaged itself into the rest of the tropical looking little garden they've been building up the last few weeks. Something that took him enormously long since he could only use one arm still, but Roger usually was always by his side whenever he needed help. He didn't even had to ask for it.

"You've got your shirt all dirty," Roger laughed delightedly, walking up to him. He stopped next to him and put his hand on Darling's shoulder. "But it's amazing what you did to the veranda… well, and the house for that matter."

Darling pouted his mouth and looked down the huge white shirt he was wearing. He still didn't really get used to the white clothing they gave him but somehow didn't want to appear ungrateful in a way. He'd noticed himself in surprise. A few weeks ago he would have used every chance to flee from this house, even though he'd promised to recover fully before leaving. But now this promise somehow wasn't such a big deal anymore. On the contrary, he must admit he liked it more and more every day. After all they were kind. All of them. And funny. He could have done worse, he must admit.

And then there was Roger.

Ever since they've been out together, he'd almost miraculously changed. Darling noticed every day a little more. Sure, they'd agreed on trying to get along from now on. But now, Roger was almost unbelievably sweet, being there whenever Darling only thought about doing something for which he needed both his arms. He talked a lot too and laughed at almost everything. It felt unbelievably refreshing. And he'd let Darling decorate everything in the house the way he thought it looked good. "No more white!" That's what he had said.

"I don't mind a few stains on it," Darling grinned mischievously at him in return. "No more white, remember?"

Roger immediately got this and giggled slightly.

"I know, I know," he replied. "But since you've got no own outfits still, we should watch this a little."

Darling pouted his mouth and looked away rather hastily. But it caused Roger to almost burst into laughter again.

"Oh, come on," he spoke happily. "I know you can't stand white, but actually…"

He stepped closer and playfully forced the younger man to turn his head in his direction again by gently taking it into his hands.

"I think it looks good on you."

He could witness Darling's eyes growing to a new dimension and his face went blank while his body stiffened. And as usual Darling would quickly wind himself out of that grip. It happened every time he dared to get closer.

Roger sighed slightly letting his hands fall, but didn't lose his grin.

"I'm not really used to white," Darling replied quickly, turning away from him. He obviously wouldn't let anything come close to the underlying yet oh so very obvious subject, standing there between them like a big elephant. "Plus, it doesn't fit."

He took a deep breath. Damn it. What was that about? Why did this guy have to come this close all of a sudden? Darling stared to the ground, but tried to sound carefree still. Roger should not notice that treacherous blush he had absolutely no control of. Neither his shaking hands or the hammering of his heartbeat against his chest. Darling felt embarrassed by them. He didn't know why this had to happen all the time. But as much as he tried, he couldn't change it. And even though he slowly got used to talking to Roger every day and spending more and more time with him now, it would get stronger each time. A state that confused him to his depths.

"Well, it should fit at least," Roger observed his every moves and smirked each time he noticed Darling's useless attempts to change the topic. It usually happened whenever he was getting close to him, in a physical way. And somehow, in the many ways their strange being together had come to be, this was the one thing that amused him to his core. "Maybe we can ask Brian to fix it. And on our way to the city we can try to find something suitable for you."

He winked at Darling while suppressing a laughter seeing his shocked look.

"On our way to where?"

"The city, Darling," Roger repeated purposely slow, lifting one eyebrow as he mischievously grinned at his young guest from the corners of his mouth. "You know…That place we live in. When many people settle and build a huge amount of houses, they usually call it a city."

"Why, thanks a lot Professor," Darling jeered back. "And I always thought, the combination of infrastructure, government and transport-system, as well as the size made the difference between a city and a town… Lucky me, I got disabused."

Roger couldn't hold back now. Of course, what did he expect. Darling was literate, which he demonstrated subconsciously each time Roger tried to outsmart him and he was very clearly someone how knew how to use his brain. So an answer like this had been inevitable. But Roger really loved this kind of communication that had evolved between them in the past few weeks and Darling always had a way of using a good portion of humor in it as well. It just naturally clicked with Roger's in a way he hadn't experienced before.

And somehow, it made him feel enormously relaxed being with the younger man. In fact, he enjoyed it so much that he literally looked for ways to spend more time with him each day. It confused him sometimes but his first thought in the morning was to find a way to do something he could use Darling's company with.

"I'm glad I could help," Roger bowed slightly, knowing perfectly well, he'd lost that one. But he didn't mind, for Darling half hid his mouth behind his hand while starting to giggle slightly. This .was exactly the moment Roger had been waiting for. And there it was.

That little spark in his eyes; the lightness in his voice and his long curls loosely bouncing in his face was something Roger craved to see each and every day. He couldn't even explain it, but something about this boy smiling gave him a deep satisfaction somewhere in the depths of his soul.

"So, do you think we can go inside now?" he softly put one hand on Darling's shoulder and felt him twitch immediately. But Roger didn't lose his smile. "I guarantee you, Shirley will kill us if he don't show up for breakfast."

"Oh, we shouldn't let her wait then," Darling captured his smile and it miraculously appeared on his face as well as he also took a deep bow and then let Roger gently lead him inside.
____________________

 

"You two are late!"

Shirley stood next to the oven, wearing an oversized apron and waving her ladle threateningly.

"We…er…"

"No, no, no. I don't wanna hear about your little private date times outside," Shirley cut them off, earning immediate looks of incomprehension from both, Roger and Darling, as well as the others around them.

"Oh, stop looking at me like that," Shirley snapped back and put her hands in her hips. "We have not much time until we have to go, you know that. And since these two here," she gestured at Roger and Darling once more, "are always busy dilly-dallying, we can hardly count on having enough time left."

"Enough time for what?" Darling asked with a smile on his face while sitting down on the chair Roger pulled for him. He was used to them leaving for their jobs by now. After all he was here quite a while now and they've started having to leave every day for weeks. It was ho big deal for him. Usually he would spend the day strolling around the house, cleaning something or redecorating little things here or there. And he must admit he had long but started to like his little private time around here.

In a way he felt more and more at home in this strange house. Maybe a huge factor was it looked more like a home now. Ever since Roger had agreed of letting him change the monotony that surrounded them it became more pleasant to be inside all the time. Even though he knew the others feared someone might notice a little too much of their secret coming along, he doubted something would happen. From time to time they brought people here. All of them business partners as they told him afterwards. But Darling had to admit, either they knew anyway and chose not to say anything or they were obviously the same kind of people as everyone else in this house. And after all, no one disliked how the Upper East Side townhouse looked by now. On the contrary….

But maybe the reason Darling felt more comfortable here now was that Roger tried his very best to change, just as he had promised back in Central Park that day.

It was plain to see. And to feel. There were countless nights Darling would lie awake, thinking about what had caused this change of heart. Roger was being as nice as someone could possibly be. He was always there, lending a helping hand to him or taking him out in the evenings. He would come to find him in that house the first thing when he was home. And there was no sign of grumpiness or mood swings. Not while he was with Darling at least. He had noticed a while ago and it made him wonder a lot. Not that he disliked it, no. He saw him smile a lot more now and somehow Darling always had a feeling of trusting him with his life whenever that charming smile transformed the whole atmosphere around him.

But sometimes it made him anxious a little. As lovely as they all were, especially Roger… Darling just could find the courage to let him come too close. All those touches and hugs and little strokes…. He enjoyed them a lot. But the one thing he wanted to avoid more than a thing was falling for a trick here. He had still to be careful. After all he was sooner or later bound to leave them.

"Shirley thinks that…," Brian started, but the others interrupted him quickly, stemming their hands on the table and raising their forefingers and speaking in a choir: "Breakfast is the most important time of the day, for it resembles a family get together just before each of us goes on to their daily routines!"

Darling almost burst into laughter listening to them.

"You're damn right," Shirley responded while sitting down as well. "I can only emphasize this every day again. We won't see each other until the evening, so family time has to be treasured."

"Family?" Darling suddenly looked around. This was kind of new to him and he only now seemed to understand what they wanted to tell him.

"Yes, family," Scott smirked, not taking his eyes away from him, while still resting his head on his hands. "You know, people who belong together spending time together."

"So everyone can share whatever is on their minds," Brian continued.

"And everyone else knows what's happening in their lives," Kevin jumped in.

"So we don't spend out time living passing lives," Roger winked at him. "but connecting still within this little union."

Darling looked at him with wide eyes and a small smile appeared in the corner of his mouth. Quickly his gaze turned down and he felt that blush….that embarrassing blush…appear on his cheeks again.

"Means…. I … I am …," he started slowly and quietly.

"Part of us?" he heard Brian's voice and looked up again, only to find all of them smiling at him warmly.

"Honey, you don't think we would take care of someone not belonging here for this long, do you?" Shirley answered dryly while taking a sip of her cup of tea. Then she looked up at him again and smirked.

Darling couldn't help it but something about that notion touched him deeply. He could feel a warmth rising inside of him he never felt before. He held his breath and wanted to answer but the moment he opened his mouth absolutely no sound was coming out. He noticed his hands grabbing his legs up to a point were it was nearly painful. But as much as he tried, he just couldn't answer. What did he want to say anyway? He knew from experience people said these things and then vanished. And tell them about what had happened? No way. Everything would have sounded unbelievable anyway. But still he had to face the fact their notion made him feel welcome in a way he hadn't known in a very long time.

Roger observed Darling from the corner of his eyes. Something was definitely going on inside of him. He could tell. As well as probably any of them could. Gee, that boy was an open book when it came to his emotions but somehow Roger couldn't shake the feeling this had something to do with all the things Darling didn't want to talk about.

So he closed his eyes and took another sip from his cup.

"Listen, we've talked about something," he spoke very calmly then and for a while didn't look up, yet he knew he had Darling's attention the moment his voice sounded through the room. "Would you maybe like to come to the city with us today?"

"What?"

All eyes were on him. Roger knew and only now opened his eyes again. His roommates gave him the looks of pure incomprehension while Darling obviously waited for him to explain a little more. He wasn't less surprised, given the fact he'd agreed in staying here until his arm was better.

"I thought we could take you," Roger continued as if he didn't notice. "It wouldn't be as boring as staying here all the time and we could use the occasion to get you some new outfits…"

He could feel the others breathing in, but just before they could say something, Darling answered hastily by almost jumping towards him.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly…," their eyes were on him now. He noticed immediately and tried to calm himself; sat down again and looked down to his feet again, trying hard to hide that embarrassing blush. "I mean…I… You've done so much for me already. I couldn't possibly repay all of this."

Roger bid his lips. He wanted to say something but that would ruin his little plan completely.

"He is right, Rog," Scott addressed him now. "Coming with us would maybe be too much."

"What if he hurts himself?" Brian added.

"And what should he do anyway?" Kevin piped up. "A theatre isn't the right place for someone injured."

"A theatre?" Darling asked, listening to them carefully. "You work in the theatre?"

They never had told him what they did for a living. All he knew was they usually left together and Roger even mentioned them working as a team. But somehow it never occurred to him they did that for a living. But thinking of it, it made more than sense now. All their artistic talents… the knitting, the clothes everywhere, the dancing through the house… Plus, it was a cliché but oh so true: Where should they work apart from the theatre being what they were. They had always been so afraid of someone finding out. And at the same time they were so obvious. So, the only possibility for them to work together must have been the theatre.

All of them nodded.

"We thought this was clear," Kevin answered and couldn't hide a slight smile on his face.

"What section?" Darling smiled back.

"You're damn interested in this," Shirley answered unimpressed, piercing the pancaked in front of her with her fork.

"Oh I love it," Darling smiled at her. "I used to play when I was in high school until…"

He suddenly stopped dead, ripping his eyes wide open. He swallowed and for a moment there felt as though his heart had stopped. Damn it. Why did this always has to happen? He was being too used to talk about this kind of stuff to really avoid it all the time but then he had been determined never to talk about it again. What if they'd noticed too much? What if they started to bombard him with questions again? He couldn't avoid them forever. He knew that. And he certainly would endanger them too if that happened.

He looked around hesitantly, trying to read their expressions.

To his great surprise though all of them acted as though they hadn't just heard what he'd said.

Darling blinked once; his gaze wandering from one to the other. They were busy with their talks again, eating their breakfast as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

He looked down to the table.

What was the big deal here? What if he gave them a reason to understand? They surely would. Or wouldn't they? What if not? What if they kicked him out immediately? What if they told anyone and he had to go through that game of duck and cover again? What if he pulled them into this? They surely didn't deserve it. Heck, they had nothing to do with it. And why the hell was he even thinking about it?

"Just breathe. No one will ask anything," he heard Roger's voice whispering next to him.

Darling whirled around staring at him unbelievingly. Roger on the other hand smiled almost fondly; an expression Darling had hardly seen on him before.

Maybe he's been watching him. And maybe his expression gave away too much of his inner conflict. So Darling looked around. None of the others seemed to have noticed. None of them even looked up.

Roger must have talked to them. About their agreement not to share anything Darling didn't want to. This felt weird. It was almost as though they did know anything he never spoke about. Yet they couldn't possibly. But on the other hand, Darling felt extremely grateful towards Roger right now. So what if he dared? Dared to trust him just this once? What if he let him know? Only him?

Yet his thoughts were interrupted just that moment, when the former argument started anew.

"Seriously though, what if we take him along?"

Roger leaned back and grabbed the cup in front of him as though he was speaking about getting the dog out for a walk.

"Not again," Shirley let her fork fall to her plate with a loud clang and pointed her finger at him. "Listen to me, Mister. If he hurts himself even more it'll be painful for him. And believe me it'll be for you too if that happens."

She pointed at Darling as if he wasn't able to hear him.

"I'm fine," Darling pouted, but no one seemed to listen to him.

"She's right, Rog," Scott jumped him, lazily resting his elbow in the table. "It wouldn't do him much good."

"Well, he could sit. No roaming in dark corners," Roger replied with a smirk.

"He will have to stay longer if something happens," Kevin said.

"What if nothing happens?" Roger replied, taking another sip of tea and seeming amazingly casual about this.

"It'll be more expensive," Brian threw in.

"Nothing I couldn't cover."

At this, Shirley almost jumped up, stemmed her arms to the table and obviously could not hold back anymore.

"Are you serious?" Her voice was louder now. "You're being ridiculous. This is highly irresponsible. You don't think about him for once? He's been half dead not that long ago and now you want him to walk around a theatre where God knows what could happen and.."

"And what?" Roger grew louder now too. "You think I let him climb around and carry heavy things around? You think I'm that kinda reckless?

"No, but obviously blind," she screamed back, causing all the others to look from one to the other. "You wanna endanger a kid just because you suddenly found you want to have him around all day? You can't really be serious!"

"Would you leave your implied observations out of this?" Roger was on his feet now too. "First of all he's been out before. Secondly, he's not a kid!" He was pointing at Darling now too, not even looking at him. "I don't take these kind of accusations when all I want is to give him the chance to get out some time."

"Oh, don't lie to yourself, you great pretender," she stemmed her hand to her hips. "Don't you think we didn't notice your lack of visitors lately?"

Darling's eyes grew wider at that notion.

"You just want him around to seduce the boy, probably hoping he'll be your next …"

"ENOUGH!"

The whole kitchen fell silent up to a point a simple breath sounded like a thunder. No one dared to move. Roger and Shirley had stopped their screaming and slowly turned around. All eyes were on Darling now, who was on his feet as well.

His hands formed to fists, he stood there looking at both of them angrily.

"Darling…you…," Brian started slowly, but Darling cut him off.

"Is this a game to you?" he screamed at the both of them. "Talking about me as if I wasn't there?"

Shirley sighed.

"Sweetie, we didn't mean to…" she started.

"I have had it," Darling continued. "I'm not your pet. And I'm certainly not his next hook up."

He nodded at Roger.

"Just leave today as you always do," he continued. I'll survive."

He turned to leave the kitchen. Still furious he stopped in the doorframe though, grabbed it with one hand and added: "I'm far from being a child by the way. So stop treating me like one!"

"Wait!"

Roger acted quickly. He was up from the gable within seconds and by Darlings side, putting one hand on his shoulder gently. Obviously trying to calm him down, his smile grew even more and none of the anger from just seconds ago was there anymore.

He gently gestured outside; away from the others and all the arguments. Darling looked at him a little baffled at first, but didn't dare to say anything. Silently he followed him outside, but not without one last evil glance to the other roommates.

Shirley just shook her head, while the others looked at each other, shrugged and continued their routines.

"It's wrong and you all know it," Shirley said when the two of them were out of reach.

"You won't convince I'm anyway, so better give up," Kevin said, not lifting his eyes from his newspaper.

"He's gonna hurt that boy," Shirley added absentmindedly.

"He will take care of him not being anywhere dangerous," Scott answered. "You know that perfectly well."

"No, I meant…," Shirley looked up, with her expression much softer than before. But in a spot second it changed back to her usual self. "Never mind!"

All of them looked up and started to stare at her in perfect synchronicity. She noticed, of course, but waved her hand at them quickly.

"Eat up!" she demanded. "Were gonna be late anyway!"
__________________________

 

"She didn't mean what she said."

Roger had practically pulled Darling outside the kitchen and up the stairs until they'd arrived the huge white room, formerly his own. He closed the door carefully, pushing Darling away from him and further into that self build shelter, just as if he feared an outburst right away.

"Sounded pretty convincing to me!" Darling folded his arms in front of him and did his very best to sound calmly, but Roger could tell he was fuming inside.

"Sometimes she says such things without thinking about it," Roger went on. "Don't you believe that. She's worried about you. They all are."

"What about you?"

Roger looked up. Darling stared directly into his eyes. Daring little bastard. He couldn't help but form his mouth into a smug smile as he averted his eyes.

"What about me? I told you I wouldn't let anything happen to.."

"That's not what I meant," Darling's voice turned a little higher continuing. A certain fact he was about to lose it. That much /over had learned till now. "Are you seeing me as a little price to win? Is that what you've been scheming all along?"

"What?" Now Roger looked up.

"Well is it?" Darling even looked angry now. Which was kind of weird since is long curly hair fell into his face now and gave him an older look than what they had been used from him. "Cause if so, tell me now and I'm out of here!"

"I thought we agreed on trying to trust each other?"

"It's not exactly trusting when one party has ulterior motives, right?"

"No! No! I don't know why they make this up now, but I guarantee you there's nothing behind this!" Roger's voice grew louder too. A state he noticed in surprise. Damn it. He didn't mean to lose his cool, but somehow that guy had a way of making him act out of the ordinary. And what confused I'm even more was that small but ever growing panic he felt very explicitly inside his chest.

"What was that about then?"

And just as if he could sense exactly this, Darling stepped away a little, eyeing him suspiciously.

It took several seconds in which neither of them could look anywhere else but the other's face, until Roger managed to shake his head slightly. He sighed loudly and finally managed to smile to himself again.

He took another deep breath and then straightened himself again. He took two steps towards Darling, who was so taken aback, he raised his hands as if to stop the other man from coming closer but didn't move a bit, when Roger took him into a tight embrace.

He could feel the younger man stiffen underneath him, but at least there was no panic and no tantrum or resistance. They simply stood there, listening to their breaths until both of them were completely calm again.

"Now listen," Roger held Darling's shoulders still, but looked into his eyes. Those shocked, huge eyes within that adorable -and yet again blushing- face. "I told you, I want you to feel at home here. I want you to be as free as can be without risking your health. I don't want you imprisoned or whatever else you think this is, that's why I wanna show you what were doing all day long."

Darling just kept staring at him and that treachery youth was somehow back in his look.

"I swear to God and everything I know, I'm not gonna do anything that could possibly harm you! No motives, no secrets, no nothing!"

"But you…," Darling obviously had some difficulties forming words correctly, but whether being that close or the words from Roger were the reason, he couldn't really make out. So quickly Roger shook his head again and softly put his fingertips to the younger man's mouth, shutting him up.

"I know. I like having you around. So what?," he continued.

Darling gasped slightly, hearing it.

"I'm not saying you must tell me anything. We agreed on that. But I want to gain your trust. So please, have I done anything to make you believe I wanted anything else than your best since our little talk in the park? " He shrugged. "And to be honest, I still feel that punch you gave me from time to time."

Without hesitation the younger man shook his head, his long hair swinging along. He looked embarrassed now all of a sudden.

Roger grinned slightly. He couldn't believe how much he enjoyed this sight. He lifted his hand softly and stroked through the strands in his face.

"So do you think you can believe me with this and just let me enjoy being nice to someone for once?"

And for a moment there it seemed Darling was staring straight through him. Just as though he was searching for something lying underneath his words, hidden deep within his eyes somewhere. But after several seconds and no evidence found, his face grew softer and the edges of his mouth formed a secret little smile as well as he finally took his gaze away. Then he nodded slightly.

Roger could feel his heart jump that very moment.

"So tell me, do you like this long hair style?" he changed the subject so quickly, Darling looked up to him again. Roger was still playing with his strands, acting as though he was observing them closely. "After all the time you've been here it's really grown a lot."

"I…," Darling blushed again, "I don't mind that much. It's like a different look, you know."

He sounded quiet now and didn't really know what to answer to that, given he was still in Roger's arms all the time.

"Would you mind cutting them?"

"I er…I couldn't…you know," Darling started.

Roger gave a loud laugh. "Darling, you're in the house of the queerest people you can find around this neighborhood. Believe me, getting a haircut isn't exactly a problem."

That wasn't the reason he'd avoided that so long. More than anything he feared they might recognize him. They probably wouldn't, since nothing that had happened had ever been mentioned by them but still. But somehow it was impossible for him to neglect that man. And so he nodded slightly again, looking down to the floor.

Roger caught this strange behavior in a second though.

"Am I asking too much too soon?"

"What?"

I'm sorry if so," he continued. "I understand this must feel strange. You don't have to do anything you know. Neither coming with us…"

"I'd love to come with you," Darling fell into his words in such a speed, Roger found it almost amusing. "I…I'd really love to. But the others…"

Once more Roger shook his head, grinning.

"You hear that?"

Darling tried to listen closely. He could hear them down the hall. Their voices and little arguments were being carried up there as though they stood almost behind that closed door.

"They're…talking," he answered, not really knowing where the other man wanted to go with this.

Roger though, lifted his hand to shut him up, gesturing to keep listening.

"Three, two, one," he counted down and as if it was a daily routine, Darling could hear the front door closing and the house falling silent again.

Roger turned to him and smiled. The bewildered look in Darling's face seemed to amuse him even more.

"They were late anyway. So they left now," he explained. "They work like a clock, believe me."

"But don't you have to go too?" Darling asked carefully, raising his eyebrow.

"It doesn't matter if I come later," he kept on. "Sure, they'll hate it but it's nothing they are not used to. All I must do is really showing up then." His smile transformed into a mischievous grin, almost like a schoolboy, skipping classes. "So they can't say much about you, can they?"

Darling was certain he would never get used to the strange rhythm all of them were living by. It seemed choreographed. All of it, but whenever he tried to understand it a little more, it appeared just pure chaotic to him.

"So, if you really want to," Finally Roger let go of him and moved to the door, opening it carefully. "Come on!
___________________

 

"He is so gonna bring him here!"

"Do you really think he will risk his progress this way?"

"You know Roger! Once he's planted an idea into his head, he'll stick to it no matter what."

They had been arguing about this the whole way to the theatre. It wasn't very unusual for Roger to not be going with them, but turning up this late was new. And knowing the probable reason for it was too.

So now, they were fully occupied with their work and all the things they had to do during this rehearsal session and still the subject plopped up every now and then. Every five minutes or so, to be more precise. Whenever someone would check the watch to find another couple of minutes had gone by without Roger being here. Sure enough, they knew what to do and most of the rehearsals were for the dance ensemble anyway, so it was Scott taking over anyway. But still it was kind of weird for him not to be here.

"He better not dare," Shirley mumbled while making her way past them, pushing a huge trolley which contained cables and cable ties in such amounts, no one quite knew what she needed them for.

"You can't do anything," Kevin replied, stitching another pattern into one of the colorful costumes in front of him. "He would easily be able to hide him and no one will notice a bit."

"Or he'll act as though he'd never been aware of your protest," Brian continued without looking up.

Shirley sighed unapprovingly and stopped within a second, rushing around as though trying to kill them instead. Yet she remained in her place, just stemming her arms to her hips.

"How can you be so casual about this?" she demanded to know.

"We all have tried to argue against Roger some time or another," Kevin answered quite unimpressed. "And we all lost it. It's time to give that one up."

"But it's not just a stupid little idea of his this time," she said. "It's… well, it's him. It's Darling."

"So what about him?" Brian asked, causing Kevin to roll his eyes and letting his work drop where he sat. "What?"

"She cares for him," he answered quickly. "Can't you tell?"

"As if you don't!" Shirley pouted.

Kevin and Brian both looked at her for a second and then started to giggle loudly.

"Why, that's a very new side to you all of a sudden," Brian managed to say, putting his head to one side and smiling at her, his white teeth showing.

"Don't you?" Shirley asked again and for a mere second it almost looked like she felt caught. The little blush in her face could have been taken for some sort of embarrassment, if they didn't know her better.

"Shirl, what do you think?" Brian turned more serious. "Of course we do. But seriously, what are we supposed to do here?"

"We just gotta make sure he won't get harmed," Shirley answered quietly, looking down to the ground. "You know what I mean."

Now Kevin nodded. "Him wanting to spend time with someone he doesn't know is not like him, that's true."

"And involving him in his life as well," Brian added. "You mean he's more attached than he wants to admit?"

"Obviously," Shirley answered.

"Roger has always been quite honest about this," Kevin stated. "Why would he hide it now?"

"Well, first of all it's never been serious to him," Brian answered. "So maybe this is different. And secondly, Darling is bound to leave soon. You've heard him yourself. He's not keen on staying longer than necessary. So admitting something like this would be a risk Roger is most likely not willing to take."

"True," Shirley added and looked at the two of them. "I honestly wish …"

"What?" Kevin and Brian asked simultaneously.

"I wish he'd stay," Shirley blurted out and this time it was a certainty she was embarrassed admitting this. "There I said it. Happy now?"

"Well," Kevin rubbed his neck carefully. "He has become a rather large part of us. We can't deny that."

"And he fits in," Kevin said affirmatively.

"It's more than that," Shirley said, and knew their eyes were on her again. "He's more than part of us until now. I mean, come on. It's been months. He's no guest anymore. He's…he's…"

"Just say it," Brian grinned at her and folded his arms.

Shirley sighed. "Family."

The other two nodded immediately, all of them not daring to look at anyone. So, they indeed were thinking the same. All of them. It would be hard to see Darling leaving again, that was for sure. But what could they do about it? They couldn't force him to stay. And if anything, Darling had made it quite clear he wanted to leave as soon as he would have delivered on his promise. And the hard truth was, they couldn't hold this against him at all. He didn't have a family anywhere, they were sure of this until now. But who knew whatever he had been doing or whoever other people he had out there? Even after months nothing had come out and even though the boy sometimes let little things slip, they had to swear to Roger never to ask him about anything.

Their thoughts were yet abruptly interrupted when almost everyone around them started staring around. A quiet whispering appeared throughout the cast and crew and their eyes were automatically drawn to the middle of the auditorium.

"Would you guys hold me back?" Shirley asked, staring with wide eyes. "Cause I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill him!"

All of them sighed and slowly moved in the direction of Roger who stood in the middle of the theatre, eyeing what was happening on stage. So he had managed to show up after all. And he seemed in quite a good mood so far. Next to him on the other hand stood Darling, looking a bit intimidated by all the staring and whispering he most likely caught too.

Something about his look had changed though. For once he was finally wearing something that wasn't too large for his slender body. Roger must have gotten him something when no one else was watching. Or a little detour into the city was the reason for his delay. Which was more likely the case. Darling on the other hand looked weirdly older. He wore an almost army green shirt with a white overlay shirt and jeans that fitted him completely. His hair was shorter too. He almost looked like the day he'd arrived with them, apart from all the injuries that had been there back when. It was astounding though how much something as simple as a haircut could change a person. His hair didn't cover his face anymore and his wavy strands pointed in different directions now. Darling looked more mature now and somehow more stylized than before. Surely Roger had talked him into these clothes though. Kevin noticed this immediately.

"He hates white," he remarked silently. "Why can't he accept this?"

Darling looked almost terrified though, as all of the people came closer. It wasn't unusual for them to gather Roger once he was there but now the young man beside him was the number one subject of interest as anyone could hear quite clearly.

Darling avoided their eyes and it seemed he wanted to hide more than answering anything. He stood close to Roger, almost pressing his body against the older man just as though he could vanish in his shadow somehow. Unable to move his bandaged arm, which was still in a sling around his neck though, it was hard for him to be as invisible as he hoped.

"Stay calm," Roger some quietly while smiling at him. "Nothing's gonna happen!"

Darling thought about that while looking around shyly again. After all it didn't seem someone recognized him. They would probably react differently if this was the case. So he nodded slightly.

"I must admit though, I had something in my mind bringing you here," Roger admitted.

Darling teared his eyes wide open. His head literally shot up to him once he heard his words. And it didn't took a second for him to step back a few inches immediately.

Damn it. It would still take a lot of time to get that suspicion out of him. Roger noticed it now more than ever. So he reacted quickly.

"Not that, don't worry," he raised his hands as an apologetic gesture. "Not at all. I promised!"

And to his great relief Darling relaxed rather quickly.

"Listen to me," Roger took a deep breath, looking back to the stage and all he people looking at them. "And I want you to really listen carefully."

Darling didn't take his eyes away, but he didn't say a word either. He raised one eyebrow and stared at him with a mixture of surprise and suspicion.

So Roger started to explain:

"I know you're constantly worried about repaying me for all this. And I know no matter what I say, I won't be able to talk you out of this, so I won't even try. But having noticed what you did back home over the past couple of weeks and after getting to know you a little better, I wanna offer you something."

Darling didn't move. He couldn't somehow. All this was way too strange to believe and he couldn't think of anything he could have made up in his mind to offer him. A person owning nothing. A person who completely depended on him right now and who had nothing in his hands to be of any value to this guy.

"How would you like to work for me?" Roger continued with a smile, having noticed the contradiction in the younger man's head.

"What?"

"You heard me," Roger's eyes closed and his expression grew to be even more amused.

"I have no idea about this," Darling answered a little shocked, looking around once more and pointing to the stage with his healthy arm. "You are obviously all trained to do this. I have never gained any experiences in theatre."

Roger shook his head.

"You don't need it," he continued. "You have an eye for details. You are smart, witty and you know what you want."

"I couldn't do any of this," Darling said.

"Probably not, but you can do other stuff," Roger explained. "I was thinking of an assistant."

"An assistant to you?"

"Yup," he smiled. "It's a lot of work, you know. And I could need someone to assist me, doing smaller things, controlling processes, scheduling stuff and so on."

Darling looked doubting still.

"You're not gonna be here for long, I know that," Roger's eyes met his again. "But I thought it would be nice. You get out. You get to know people and you'll have something to do. I'd pay you of course. You can use that money to either repay me or save it, so your start once you leave won't be too hard."

Darling couldn't believe this. How on earth could he have gotten to know someone like this? People being that nice to him usually didn't stay or they'd planned something. So maybe he was lying. A subconscious feeling he just couldn't get rid of, as much as he wanted to. Or maybe he really was telling the truth. But then again, how on earth did he deserve a treatment like that? These people didn't know him. This guy didn't. Only a few months at least and only what he wanted him to show. Why was he being like this?

He looked at the many people, who still stood around them. They would avert their eyes when his gaze met them, but he knew they were still whispering in excitement about Roger Debris bringing someone new to this place. Especially since he must have been quite secretive in the past.

And then something else crossed his mind.

They didn't know him. None of them. And Broadway was far from all the hustle in the past and the people he tried to avoid more than anything. Maybe this was indeed a chance. A small wink of fate given to him to start anew. To build something out of this whole mess. To be someone else finally.

Once more, he looked up at Roger, who was observing him closely. Probably he was again trying to read his mind. Darling noticed before he was somehow able to do it each time he needed it the least. But then he took a deep breath and nodded in his direction.

"Okay," he answered. "I can give it a try."

Now, for once Roger's eyes turned wide.

"Seriously?"

Darling had to laugh seeing it, but still he nodded.

"Yes!"

He wasn't fast enough to react, but Roger once more hugged him immediately, causing the whispering around them to increase even more.

When he let go of him, he had his hands still on his shoulders and something like pride was glittering there in his eyes.

Roger turned around and opened his arms wide. His voice suddenly was loud and clear as he addressed everyone around them.

"Dear fellows," he announced. "I want to introduce you to my new assistant."

He softly pushed Darling in front of him, making him the focus of attention. Darling could feel his face getting hot and blushing within seconds.

"What?"

"Roger, no!"

The voices of his roommates were nearly as loud as Roger's but before Darling could turn his head to look at them, the older man went on.

"He will be here until production ends. It's supposed to be for a limited time, but you all should get used to him. So, if you have any concerns, problems or things that need discussion, please don't hesitate to approach him!"

All the actors, crew members and people working there, started smiling. Their whispering grew to a louder carpet of noises and they circled them as if choreographed. Darling could see their four roommates a little away from all them , looking shocked.

But he wasn't able to keep his eyes there, when the first questions broke down on him.

"Nice to meet you."

"Hope you'll enjoy your time here then."

"What have you done before?"

"It must be great to work for someone as aspiring as Roger."

Darling instinctively backed away a little. He tried to remain a calm face, but somehow he wasn't used to this rush of people all of a sudden and he most certainly didn't know how to answer all this at once.

"Now people," he heard Roger once again, before feeling his hand on his shoulder again. "Let him breathe. All things will be answered soon, but first of all don't overwhelm him with your interest."

He gave a loud laugh. And somehow that relaxed Darling enormously and he forced himself into a smile as well.

"Stay away from Martin over there," Roger whispered into his ear, nodding into the direction of a chubby looking grumpy guy between them all. "He liked to hit on guys like you."

Darling blinked once.

"Experience?" he then grinned, raising his eyebrows and folding his arms challenging.

"What?" Roger was the one who seemed caught now, not having expected this in the slightest. "No! No!... I'm…no! Just saying!"

"Way too many no's in one excuse," Darling straightened up and grinned even more at him.

"Don't be too daring now," Roger smiled after a second. "People might get the wrong impression."

"Excuse me…"

Both of them turned to on woman holding her hand up high in the crowd.

"What's your name?"

Immediately the amusement vanished from Darling's appearance.

"Erm…my name?"

"Yes," she nodded sincerely. "We need to call you somehow after all."

Damn it, that was true.

"I…er…," Darling didn't know what to say.

"That's a good question," Roger jumped in again.

Darling's head shot up again. No. Had this been the plan? To get to know him? To trick him into saying something? He must think of something. Any name. And quick. He knew this was the only way to get out of this. Darling knew this. But somehow his brain went blank right now. He couldn't form a single thought, a small idea or even one stupid alias.

"His name….," Roger looked at him, but somehow he didn't expect him to answer. Darling could sense it. No, he was thinking hard. About something to say. Damn it, this guy wasn't tricking him into something. He was trying to help him here.

Roger's eyes wandered across the stage with the speed of lightning until his gaze stopped. Darling tried to make out what he'd seen there, but all he could make out was a picture in the farthest corner of some props, showing nothing more than a car.

"His name is," Roger started anew. "Carmen!"

"What?" Darling let his arms fall and his jaw dropped. He couldn't possibly have gotten that tiny hint from weeks ago. And remembered it as well. Who on earth was this man? But this was more than a coincidence. He could tell, for Roger winked at him shortly before repeating it louder and more official.

"Carmen Ghia!"

~ to be continued ~

Chapter 7: Thoughts

Chapter Text

„Are you out of your mind?"

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"Oh please, calm down," Roger literally stomped on. All the way back he had to listen to their accusations and he wasn't exactly keen on having this conversation. Especially not in brought daylight. Well, if you could call it that since it had already gotten dark outside and the many streetlamps were illuminating the narrow roads around them.

He marched on up the stairs to the town house, while trying hard to remain cool. He knew perfectly well what was gonna await him once he was inside and it was a certainty they would follow him. Heck, they lived here too, so there was no way around it.

He opened the door quickly and didn't bother to close it behind him, but instead swung it open in suppressed anger while marching straight into the living room. He didn't even take off his coat but headed straight for the shelf with the alcoholic beverages. He felt like needing it right now. Badly! The last time they attacked him like that had been months ago when he was dragging a half dead kid with him without knowing what was gonna happen. Thinking about it he kind of had to smirk. Oddly enough, Darling… no, Carmen now… seemed to be the cause of him getting into fights all the time. Or at least ever since he showed up.

His roommates gathered around the living room door and crossed their arms, obviously waiting for an explanation. They've always had a way of piercing on with their stares but right now they seemed to have perfected it without the slightest bit of training.

Roger sighed and let his head fall down. With a glass and a bottle of whiskey still in his hands he slowly turned to face them. But as soon as their eyes met, he knew this was gonna take longer than just a small apology. He couldn't even recall ever having seen them madder.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked sincerely, waving his hands. Luckily he didn't pour his drink yet. "It was one solution and a way to get him connected."

"And endangered," Brian said furiously. "Roger, for God's sake, he could harm himself or injure his arm even more."

"Not if he's being careful," Roger sighed, finally pouring his drink. " Could you maybe stop that? He's had a choice. I didn't force him to take that offer. I merely suggested it could help him out until…"

"Until what?" Shirley jumped in. "Until he's had something happen to him?"

"No! Are you even listening?"

"Until someone found out about us and gets him into trouble he clearly doesn't need?"

"Will you stop that? It's theatre, for God's sake…," Roger replied. "They know about us there and no one searches for anything."

"Or until you've lost interest in him and take everything back?"

Roger's head shot up. This was a point that shocked him deeply. Not only the mere suggestion he would treat Darling like that, but also the fact she clearly didn't believe him and thought to have found a point in her argumentation.

"Is that so?" Kevin asked now, looking not less shocked and eyeing both of them again and again. "Roger, is that the reason?"

Roger felt his jaw drop. Him too? He couldn't believe it and it took him quite a second to gather his thoughts until he straightened up again and finally took a huge bitter swallow of the drink.

"Come on now, he's not like that and you know it," he heard Scott's voice and knew they were turning to him now.

"Of course, you need to say that," Shirley attacked him now. "You've been one of his victims too after all. You were bound to jump to his defenses."

"You're exaggerating," he answered, trying to keep calm but clearly enraged too. "All I am saying is you shouldn't judge too quickly."

"But you were there too," Shirley responded loudly. "He brought Darling there although he knew what was at stake for him and then offering him that job…"

"Until he leaves!" Roger screamed at her behind his glass. "He got that offer because I wanted to help him. Because.."

"Because what?" Shirley started anew, but this time Scott stopped her with just one wave of his hand. Maybe it was his calm nature that somehow impressed her or the fact he was a lot taller than her. It wasn't quite clear that moment, but he managed to shut her up. His eyes wandered over to Roger that moment, looking sincere.

"Because?" he asked soothingly, patiently awaiting Roger's answer. His behavior seemed to have a lot if affect on the others. Their eyes wandered fro Scott to Roger and it felt like a huge exhale while they awaited for him to answer for once without interrupting every sentence.

Roger noticed in surprise and then looked up to Scott. His eyes almost pierced him and although he knew there was never any harm coming from him, he felt kind of trapped . So he took another swallow and sighed deeply.

"Because… " he started quietly. "Because he is amazing, okay?"

They all shot him incomprehensive looks. Surely, none of them expected that. So Roger sighed once more, noticing he'd have to explain.

"You've seen it yourself," he said quickly, pointing around. "He has so much potential. What he did here is just marvelous…"

All of them followed his direction and without really intending to, they nodded.

"He is very smart. He is able to use his brain and he is witty. Hell, that boy has so many talents hidden underneath that rough surface, I don't even know where to start," Roger continued. "And you're right, it's not without risk. But I am very sure you and me and even himself will look after him. He's not reckless. And we can profit so much from all of that. I did this because I felt the need to help him. To do something he can use before he leaves, which he undoubtedly will as you all know. And I don't wanna keep him in here. I don't wanna act as though he has no saying in his life. I want him to have a point to start from once his injuries are gone. And I have the power to give that little at least. So, I offered him that job."

All of their faces changed now somehow. They looked down to the ground or around in the room. Kevin put his hand in his neck and looked uncomfortable, hearing these words. Brian seemed ashamed and even Shirley, who bit her lips, for once looked like an empathetic woman although she remained focused on Roger.

He, on the other hand, shook his head slightly, looking away. Quickly he took another mouthful of whiskey before turning his head away from them. There it was. That strange feeling again. He didn't wanna feel guilty but somehow, and especially when it came to Darling, he always found himself caught between two stools somehow. On one side he wanted to help; wanted to give Darling a feeling of home, even though he couldn't explain it properly. On the other side it always felt like he was betraying his friends… no his family here. And he seriously started to wonder why they couldn't see what he saw in their young guest.

Another thought usually started to appear whenever that question entered his head though: Why the hell was he starting to feel more and more miserable thinking about the little time left until Darling would bid them farewell and leave for good? This had been the deal from the start after all.

Lost in his thoughts, he poured more whiskey into his glass.

"That's enough now," he heard Scott's voice next to him, only to find the tall man taking that glass from him seconds later. "You know you can't tolerate too much of this."

"Does that matter?" Roger jeered kinda beaten.

"What if Darling will only stay for another couple of weeks?" Kevin dared to ask in between the silence? "Did you consider that?"

"It could be a problem if he's part of the production," Brian agreed.

"What if we need him there?", Shirley added.

Their words sure sounded like accusations again, but Roger felt strangely touched all of a sudden and looked up to them again. He got immediately what they wanted to say. And he felt enormously grateful to all of them suddenly.

"I won't force him to anything," he answered silently.

"You want him to decide?" Shirley asked in a very soft, warm voice suddenly.

Again, Roger didn't know whether to nod or not.

"I want him to be happy," he answered almost not audible then after what seemed like a little eternity. He even managed to look up to them and hold Shirley's glance. Something that had always been no big deal but now was so hard to do. And he knew he was fueling their suspicion even more while bearing his soul here in front of them.

But before any of them could say anything anymore, a soft cough behind them made all of them turn.

Darling stood there in the doorframe, his head bowed and his eyes looking guilty at them. He hadn't said a word the whole way home and all of them had been so enraged while following Roger inside, they hadn't even noticed him silently closing the front door. They also hadn't wasted one thought about him hearing all of them while leaning on the wall of the hallway, not daring to enter the living room as well.

But now they seemed to remember. All of their eyes grew to new dimensions and Shirley immediately rushed to him and embraced him dearly.

"My dear boy, I'm sorry," she said tenderly, "I didn't mean … I wasn't gonna say… you…"

But Darling only smiled at her slightly yet with sincere eyes. He gently took her hands and moved them away from himself and she immediately let go of him again.

So funny how they all referred to him as a boy when he was easily one head taller than Shirley, Roger thought by himself witnessing it.

And Darling then looked around, meeting all of them at least once with a soft expression, until his eyes wandered over to Roger, who almost instantly felt himself holding his breath.

"I…er..," Darling started. "I'm sorry I caused this trouble. I didn't mean to…to cause you all to fight."

His words thundered through Roger's body like a wave rolling to shore. Never once had he heard the defiant, stubborn and quick-witted young man sound so guilty. What was so new about that? Oh yes, he knew. It was almost as though he'd finally given up his defiance and let something shine through. Something new. Something touching, Roger had to admit.

"Darling, you didn't," Scott answered and even in his words a small empathetic smile could be heard. Although he moved almost nothing and still had his arms crossed. "He was right, you know?"

Darling's head shot up. "What?"

Scott grinned and slowly walked over to their guest, warmly putting his hands on his shoulders, while smiling even brighter.

"He gave you an opportunity," he continued. "A chance to start anew. A decision, that never once had been ours to be made. We all stood at that point before. And we overreacted here. That decision was yours. And you did decide. As did all of us really."

Darling looked at him a bit lost though, until Scott let go of him and pointed at the others.

"You see, if you wanna stick to your decision," he said then. "I'd be delighted to welcome you in our midst."

Now Darling's eyes grew wider and his jaw dropped slightly. He sure hadn't expected this at all.

"We were worried about you that's all," Brian added embarrassed.

"I can stay here too, if that's what you expect of me," Darling answered.

All of then started to giggle slightly. Roger looked around a little surprised. As was Darling. He could tell by his befuddled expression. And again a small smirk hid there in the corner of his mouth and he quickly averted his eyes.

"Was that odd?" Darling asked sincerely, looking at Brian.

"Sweetie, we don't expect anything," Kevin stepped in to answer this one. "We were in fact just worried you might get into trouble. For either health reasons or because you stick with us too openly."

"Why would that get me into trouble?"

"He isn't playing it," Roger noticed, standing a little apart from them and holding onto one of the enormous chairs in the room.

"You know…er… people might get the wrong impression and..er," Kevint tried to explain.

"You've heard about raids, haven't you?" Roger spoke now, while still fixating the floor. He knew they were turning to him now. He could sense their looks and he knew perfectly well Darling was all ear.

Looking up again he saw the younger man nod without hesitation. His face changed to a more sinister look all of a sudden somehow, which made Roger wonder why he understood this so good. Somewhere in the corner of his mind. But he chose to oversee it and went on:

"They fear if you're gonna be seen with us too often and something like that happens, you'll get into trouble as well."

Darling only stared back but looked suspiciously like considering all of this again.

"Roger!" Shirley hissed. He shot her an incomprehensible look and she quickly added: "You don't have to scare him!"

"I'm not scared," Darling interrupted.

"But…Darling," Kevin jumped in.

"Carmen!"

"What?"

All of them turned to Scott, who was standing behind them with his eyes closed and his arms still crossed. He smiled as he looked up to them.

"He has decided!" he answered the unspoken question. "So he knows the risks. And I doubt he doesn't know what we're referring to here."

Darling's gaze still was earnest but he didn't take his eyes away.

"That's enough now," Roger wanted to jump in, looking worried from Darling to Scott but Scott lifted his hand and just as he did with Shirley before managed to shut him up.

"Let's be honest here," he continued. "If you wanna be a part of us, you have the right to know…"

Darling bit his lips and held his breath. He wasn't sure he liked the direction this conversation took. But somehow he was convinced not to run. Not this time.

"He asked us not to ask questions," Scott nodded in Roger's direction.

Darling's eyes followed but sprang back to the tall guy again.

"I figured," he admitted with a slight nod of his head.

Roger looked up. That was surprising. But then in a way it wasn't. He could have easily thought about him having caught more than he could imagine. After all he was not stupid and he knew.

"Thought so," Scott smiled. "So before you get the wrong ideas here, we won't ask. We promised. But you should know. And I am certain you've had to experience these raids in the past yourself to know what we're talking about."

Again, Darling nodded.

Roger inhaled deeply though. He has been through this? Could this have been the reason for his injuries? He felt sick imagining the young man having gone through something like this. All alone. Witnessing something horrible, as he had been implying in their conversation weeks ago. And once more he felt an unknown anger arising inside of him. A deep desire to kill whoever did this to him.

"And you must be aware that this can happen again," Scott said. "We don't want you to get hurt or anything. But you cannot deny the fact you're blending in with us if you take this job. They won't make a difference."

"I know," Darling lowered his head a little and his face turned a little softer. "But I…I really wanna try. It won't be forever after all."

"You wanna risk this for a job?" Brian asked now a little unbelievingly. "Why?"

Again, Darling nodded.

"Because…," he hesitated shortly, but then straightened up and looked at them directly. "Because there aren't many people who would have done what you did. Who would have taken care of me without knowing anything. Who would have put up with my suspicion against you and ….and the anger."

He stopped and looked to his feet again. All of a sudden, he seemed embarrassed.

"I feel like I wanna do something to make it up," he said then. "And the truth is…. I like you. And there's worse in this world than spending a few weeks with people you like."

"Darling...", Shirley started.

"Please, I know the risks," he said quickly, backing away one step. "But I also know… They cannot confuse me with one of you… because I… I am one of you. Have been all the time."

He smiled at her slightly.

"Darling…," she said again. "I don't know what to say."

"Start by saying his name," Scott said. "Like I said, he's decided. So it is time to stop treating him like a kid. Like a guest we only know bits of."

Darling looked up again.

"So," Scott stepped closer, stretching his hand to the smaller man in front of him. He looked a little confused at first but then slowly took it and shook his hand too. "Welcome, Carmen!"

He jeered slightly and looked down and Roger could have sworn he blushed slightly.

"This feels a little strange, " he admitted honestly.

"You'll get used to it," Scott smiled.

All of them nodded immediately and started to look a lot more at ease within a second. And Darling…no, Carmen… seemed to catch that vibe within a second as well. Roger couldn't recall the last time he's seen him smile at them this openly and without hesitation.

He had to smirk and closed his eyes. Silently he grabbed another drink and left the room without them noticing.

He walked along the corridor until he'd arrived the huge balcony door. The night had set over the city hours ago and usually he did t pay much attention to it, but now he craved to be in that pale light the city cast into the hidden garden somehow.

When he stepped outside, a cool night breeze gently blew through his clothes and he inhaled deeply, taking another sip from his glass. He could now feel the alcohol having its effect on him and that well known dizziness started to set in. Yet, it felt good to have that cool air on his skin even though he knew it would only empower this drugged feeling even more.

He slowly walked around the balcony and looked around. It had never looked like this. As long as they've been here. No one ever had taken the time to do something about the garden and they've never actually spent too much time in here anyway.

Again, he smirked by himself. It was in a way astounding what Carmen had done here even though he still was injured and had only taken a few weeks for it. And he had to admit, here in silence, he actually really liked how all of this had turned out. It looked beautiful and had that feeling to it. That new kinda feeling, which had only been there when they had all been together before. It felt more like home than ever before now. It carried not a bit of the old fear of hiding from everyone they all had been acting to for years. It felt familiar and freeing in a way. And he knew perfectly well, that it had been the right decision to let him do this.

Roger sighed and leaned against the balustrade with both arms, while still holding his drink in his hand. His gaze wandered into the width of the city; above the roofs and off to the light glimpses of the city lights that could be seen here still. It always had a way not to let the stars shine through.

He looked down to his hands holding that glass and his face turned more serious. His mind was with Carmen once more. Everything around him screamed it back into his face somehow and he had started to wonder a few weeks ago already why it affected him that much all of a sudden. He usually had just carried on with his life even though he couldn't deny a little fondness about the young man ever since he'd been bringing him here. But now… Every little thought he seemed to have evolved around him and as much as he had managed to convince them back inside, he knew the main reason why he had offered that job in the first place. All he'd said had been the truth. He wanted to help. He wanted Camren to get something out of it and thus be able to move on from that point somehow. But the truth was… the great big undeniable truth was… he wanted him there. Close to himself. Around himself for as many hours a day as he could accomplish. Was that being selfish? Not if no one knew about it, right? But he had never wanted anyone close to him. Not like that. He needed people, as did everybody. He needed Scott and Shirley and Brian and Kevin. They were family. He even needed contact to random strangers from time to time. But it had never turned out to be like this. An obsession almost. Something he felt he couldn't live without.

"It's no big deal," he had reassured himself over and over again. After all Carmen was bound to leave soon. All of this would end then anyway, right?

Roger closed his eyes for a moment.

Why would this bother him so much all of a sudden? He'd tried to suppress it over the past couple of days but he knew it wasn't real. What was real was that stinging almost painful knot which appeared each time he thought about that damn certainty which moved closer and closer. He would leave. His shoulder would have healed in no time and there wasn't a hint of a sign Carmen was considering staying a while longer. That idea alone was ridiculous. He never even talked about the possibility to anyone. He didn't know what the others thought about it. But he knew for sure Carmen was determined to go. He had made that clear over the time he'd spent here. This wasn't his home. This wasn't even a place he wanted to be in. And even though he acted differently around them now and Roger was somehow proud to believe he had managed to erase that suspicion their little guest had had against him in particular, he knew there was no way around that inevitable farewell. It felt strange to him. An unknown wave of sadness and , yes he'd have to call it hopelessness, he'd never experienced before.

God damn it! Why was he behaving like a child all of a sudden? That'd been the deal. So it was not worth a big fuss, right? After all he was just a boy. Someone he'd picked from the streets. Who needed help. Nothing special for that matter.

"You know, that face doesn't suit you."

Roger looked up, hearing that voice behind him.

It was Scott, standing there and smiling warmly at him. Roger watched him coming closer from the corner of his eyes and when the tall man leaned onto the balustrade as well, just staring ahead, he had to smirk.

"You following me?" he asked calmly.

"Just wanna make sure you don't drink as much," Scott smiled, pointing at the glass in Roger's hands with a lazy gesture.

"Sorry," Roger replied. "I felt I needed it."

"Oh well, we both know what it means."

Roger looked down again and somehow didn't feel like smiling anymore. Scott knew him. Way too good for that matter and him drinking out of schedule…well, it didn't even inconspicuously point at something going on inside of him.

"I… I don't think I'm ready for this conversation yet," he answered to a question that never came.

"You could start by telling what the problem is," Scott's voice was warm and soft.

But Roger didn't reply. What was the problem here? He couldn't say. He couldn't even grasp it himself. So how on earth was he supposed to speak about it to someone else?

Loud voices and other noise was to be heard from the inside and when the two of them shortly turned around to check they saw the light in the kitchen had gotten switched on and undoubtedly heard Shirley's laughter and Kevin's high pitched voice coming from there.

"They're turning the house into a club just from the noise," Roger grinned slightly. He didn't notice the other man's nodding, but he could imagine it.

Scott turned around to learn on that balustrade with his back; his arms loosely lying on top of it as his elbows carried almost all of his weight.

"She's determined to cook a three course meal," he grinned. "They think it's something to celebrate having someone new in the team now."

Roger was still watching their silhouettes through the stained glass. But the moment he heard Scott's words, his gaze fell and that sympathetic smile vanished somehow. Damn it. Why did this have to remind him again?

"You should join them," Scott spoke them, watching him closely. "They're waiting for you."

"Do you think I've made a mistake?" Roger asked suddenly without looking up.

"No, why?" Scott answered. "He really needed a little change and I'm sure you're seeing something that made you think he's perfect for whatever job you offered him. You did it the same way with all of us after all. And I really think it's the right gesture to wanting to help him build his confidence and make a little bit out of it to start anew once he's gone."

"No, I mean…" Roger closed his eyes. This was hard somehow. "I mean do you think I've made a mistake…bringing him here all along?"

Instantly, he could feel Scott's eyes on him. It took him a moment to open his own eyes and finally look up to him, only to find him scanning his face for more information. Whether he meant it or not. It was as though none of them moved for a couple of minutes, while the soft night air still blew around them, carrying the smell of trees and blossoms.

Then Scott crossed his arms once more, closed his eyes and smiled slightly.

"Is this your thinker pose?" Roger laughed. "Each time you're gonna say something serious this comes up."

"I see you haven't lost your ability to observe people," Scott grinned back in a mocking way.

A habit all of them used to have a lot. Being playful and funny around each other. So, Roger smirked shortly before sticking out his tongue childishly. They looked at each other baffled for a second before both of them broke into uncontrollably laughter. Gosh, he had missed this. Somehow all of this had been far too earnest for the past months. No, even before that. When or why this had happened, neither of them could say, but it sure felt amazing to just let it go that easily. It's been forever. At least it felt like it.

"You know, a little seriousness is fine," Scott was the first to find his voice again. "But you shouldn't exaggerate it. All of that grumpy you has lasted long enough, don't you think?"

Roger nodded. He didn't know what else to say though. But he was a little agape when Scott, once again, reached over to him and took that glass of Whiskey out of his hand.

"And you should really stop," he added. "Now!"

"You start to sound like my mother," Roger said and grinned again. He knew he was just worrying about him though and also, that he perfectly well knew that a drunk Roger was no fun.

It earned him nothing more than a mischievous smile over the shoulder though as Scott was moving forward again, about to leave. Roger's eyes followed him but stopped when he was out of reach; at least so much he'd have to move his head. So instead, he fixated the floor once more.

"You know, you should trust that observation skills of yours a little more sometimes," he heard Scott again and looked up. He'd stopped just in front of the huge balcony door, about to get back in.

Roger lifted his head a little in a questioning way and blinked once.

"If you honestly think you've made a mistake," Scott grinned again. "Then ask yourself just once why Carmen is being like that now. It surely hasn't to do with him being out in the streets anymore. Or why everyone around here get along with him the way they do. Having a guest is no big deal. But having family around is special. So don't ask yourself if you've made a mistake when you've brought someone who belongs here."

Roger listened closely and inhaled deeply, not taking his eyes away though.

And while Scott turned his back on him, he quickly added: "Ask yourself instead why YOU want to be around him all the time!" He cast one last look over his shoulder and was visibly amused by the immediate shock on the older guys face, before vanishing inside.
___________________________________

The evening went along pretty carefree though.

Shirley had managed to create a meal that could have fed the entire neighborhood and for once they hadn't stayed in the kitchen but had taken it to the huge living room where she made it look like a party buffet. They'd closed the heavy curtains on the windows, so no one walking past the house would have been able to look inside coincidentally; something they also usually didn't do. But this way it felt like a little private celebration, which indeed hadn't turned out to be so little at all.

And now all of them were sitting or lying somewhere comfortable. They'd taken the freedom to rearrange sofas and chairs so all of them would be able to see the others no matter what position they've chosen in that mealtime aftermath. So, while Kevin stretched out on a sofa with, Carmen leaned on its cushions while sitting on the ground. Brian sat in a huge chair and leaned his head on his arms. Shirley had a chair pulled closer and used the backrest to prop up her chin and Scott sat cross-legged on the ground also. Roger remained in a huge armchair and had one of the many pillows in the room stuffed to his back while feeling like napping away any minute.

"I swear, if we did this twice a week I'd not be able to fit through the door in no time," Kevin said lazily after a while, patting his stomach.

"As if you'd be now," Shirley answered without looking up.

She could not react as quickly when a pillow flew through the room hitting her in the face without any warning.

"Hey!" She looked up to see where it came from hastily and for once sat straight as a die.

Kevin crossed his arms and gave her a look of pure disgust, while all of the others looked from one to the other without daring to move too much.

"Oh you didn't," Shirley yelled. "I swear I'll kill you for this."

She was about to lift herself up from her chair, but Brian was on his feet much quicker and, while putting both his hands on her shoulders, pressed her gently down again.

"Easy Honey," he said quite amused. "Murder wasn't on today's agenda."

Shirley looked at him a little bewildered but then inhaled once and sat down again as graciously as possible.

"It's not on anyone's for that matter," She tried Revolver herself as quickly as possible.

"Oh no, it's on mine," they heard Carmen's voice from the floor and within a heartbeat all of them were up, looking down at the young man. He noticed of course and grinned mockingly. "Just not until next Tuesday!"

The whole room went so silent for a moment, it would easily have been able to hear a pin drop. But after all of them blinked once they started to laugh so loudly, everyone outside could have mistaken it as a huge party going on.

"Well, let's hope no one ever says this to you then," Brian rubbed his eyes, while Carmen just shrugged and took a sip from a cup of tea while still smiling widely.

"Only nice things for him," Shirley raised her hand as if taking an oath. "Don't wanna deal with that wrath. Seriously!"

"Isn't this true," Scott jumped in and casually leaned over to Carmen. "I really like that new hair-style by the way!"

"Oh, come on now. You don't need to kiss his ass," Kevin lifted himself from the sofa and playfully tousled through the younger man's hair. Carmen immediately flinched a little, but relaxed as Kevin gave him a big grin and a thumb up.

"I mean it," Scott said. "Always said that long hair is too much for you."

"And now you look so much more handsome," Brian winked at him and for a second there Roger swore he saw another blush on Carmen's face appear.

Carmen quickly looked down. Either he couldn't deal with compliments well or they just overdid it here. After all there had been a lot of changes all in one day. New clothes, new hair, new job…new name. Maybe all of this was a little much.

Roger sat in his corner trying to figure out what it possibly could be when suddenly a question came up that changed the mood to an extreme.

"Somehow you remind me of someone," Shirley suddenly said and all of them went quiet again. Without looking up, Roger could predict all of them were on Carmen immediately, trying to grasp what she could mean. And Carmen? He immediately stiffened and didn't look relaxed or even carefree at all anymore.

"What do you mean?" he stuttered quietly, trying hard to avoid their stares.

"I don't know," Shirley answered. "Something about your face that rings a bell somewhere."

Roger could literally count the second their young guest started to hold his breath. And the tension in the room was unbearable in an instance.

"Ah, now I know," she proclaimed. Their heads turned towards her. "That actor from last year's production! You know the one all of you had been so keen on getting closer to!"

Again they only blinked and then sunk back into their seats and started to laugh uncontrollably. Even Carmen sunk back and forced himself onto a smile. Something everyone would have bought, but Roger could somehow tell how much effort this was for him right now.

"He is so scared of someone asking questions," he thought by himself, putting his fingers to his forehead while leaning his head to his hand. "It will take a long time for him to really trust us. If he will at all."

"Shirley's right, you know," Brian said excitedly. "You do resemble him a bit."

"No, he doesn't," Kevin answered, lazily letting his arm fall from the sofa. "Not one of you is acting the way you did with that guy. If he looked like him, you'd be all over him."

"Except last time, Roger was the one who managed to get closer," Scott grinned in his direction.

Roger moaned and just lazily waved this conversation away from him.

"Well, it's also him acting strange now, right?" Brian answered.

It was then Roger's eyes teared wide open. He didn't dare to move that moment but he felt like something had kicked him in the guts right here and there. The one sensitive subject and of course they had to mention it somehow.

"Oh come on, don't be ridiculous, " Scott said as he heaved himself up from the ground and gained his balance. "Nobody acts any different."

He then turned to Carmen, who still sat near that sofa pretty unimpressed.

"Shirley just wanted to mock you and probably us," he explained. "Don't worry about that."

"Yeah, yeah. All glory to me," she answered and got up as well.

"You two planning to dance now?" Brian asked, watching that scene.

"Excuse me?" Shirley's voice rose a little and she stemmed her hands to her hips. "Ever taken a closer look at the time, Mister? Unless you wanna sleep in theatre tomorrow, it's time to move your lazy bum. And we still gotta clean this place up before that!"

"We can also do it tomorrow," Kevin jumped in, sitting upright now. "If everyone helps, it'll be no time. And none of us would be as sleepy."

Shirley just opened her mouth to say something that probably would have ended in a huge fight again, when Roger's voice appeared.

"I will stay here a little longer," he said. "You go. I'll clean this up.'

They turned around. He had been conspicuously quiet the whole evening, so this was in a way surprising.

"You sure?" Kevin asked, stepping forward a little.

"Yeah, don't you worry," Roger turned his head now too and smiled cheaply. "Go to bed."

He saw the judging look of Shirley and the raised eyebrow and quickly added: "I promise, everything will look the way you're used to in the morning!"

It took them quite a moment to really accept that promise, but after they've al exchanged looks and shrugged, they said goodnight. One after the other and then without hesitation left the room.

Roger looked after them dreamily. He could still hear their voices up the stairs and their footsteps to their rooms. He could hear the echo of their goodnight wishes through the huge hallway until their doors flung shut and that almost yelling sound of piercing silence cut the air. He leaned back and exhaled. It felt good to know they were here. But it also felt good to know they shut up from time to time. Which in a way concerned him as well, because he hadn't thought about this in a long long time. But right now, he feared his own thoughts were encouraging these feelings even more. There must be a way to get his head clean again and if the only thing was cleaning up until late at night in silence, so be it.

But then his head turned a little and he noticed he hadn't been alone there at all. Carmen still sat on the ground, one arm slung around his knees while the other laid calmly inside that slung around his body. And he watched him from under his gaze.

"Don't you wanna go to bed too?" Roger asked then and he was astounded how soft his voice sounded all of a sudden. "It's getting pretty late and you should get some sleep."

But Carmen shook his head once and smiled slightly. His eyes appeared softer than before now, but maybe the darkness and their own tiredness were just misleading here.

"And let you do this alone?" he answered silently. "No way!"

Roger jeered once.

"You don't have to clean," he smiled as he got up. "You should be careful with yourself anyway."

"I'm a night-owl," the young man answered and in one elegant movement was on his feet as well. "And I don't mind."

Roger was searching his face for any clue why but he soon gave up, shrugged once and they started cleaning the whole mess up in silence. Always working next to each other. It took them over an hour to put all the remains from the living room back into the kitchen and clear away their mess, rearrange the furniture and wash the dishes. It felt good in a way, Roger had to admit. They hardly spoke, but somehow it felt natural. And easy. Usually, being quiet around someone took a long time of knowing a person, but somehow this here was different. There was no need of words. Just as though they'd done this a million times before. Carmen sure was used to this kind of domestic work. At least he was quick and very exact, even though he could only use one arm properly. But Roger seemed to sense it every time and handed him, whatever he needed that moment. It was almost as if there existed a mutual understanding none of them could explain, but it worked perfectly. And it was then, Roger seriously began to wonder why he would stay awake for this.

Could it be, because he wanted to be alone with him? Wanted to be close to him? Perhaps, the young man had gotten that strange vibe circling the two of them as well and wanted to find out about it.

Roger observed him from the corner of his eyes without letting it shine through. Carmen just kept on working. He was close sure, but he never once looked up to him. He didn't blush, like he did in the beginning whenever they accidentally touched and all in all he seemed very calm. So maybe, all of this was just in his head. Maybe he needed to get off of that trip and start seeing things as they were. He was a guest. And he would leave soon. Roger should be lucky, they got along like this now, for this could have been a lot more difficult than it had turned out to be.

"You know," he heard the younger man's voice quietly and was immediately ripped out of his daydream. "That name is still strange to get used to."

Roger turned his head to him now, but had to chuckle.

"I'm pretty sure you'll get used to it," he answered. "It's the first day after all."

"Why did you choose that one?" Carmen asked, looking at him now too. There wasn't anything challenging in him right now. Only a very open gaze. He really wanted to know.

"I figured, it meant something to you," Roger answered, trying to sound unimpressed. "And why not. It fits you."

"How can you say that?"

"If I remember right," Roger winked at him, crying his hands on a towel now. "Carmen the good… There could be worse things than being named after someone trying to change the world."

It took him a shirt moment, but then Camren smiled warmly at him, holding his hand up for the towel as well when Roger tossed it over.

"So, I guess that's it," Roger said then, looking around. The place was spotless again and the little light from the kitchen lamp illuminated everything and made it appear strangely peaceful.

Carmen nodded.

"I guess it is time to go to bed now."

Roger just nodded, trying hard to convince himself that his tone didn't sound disappointed. This was all in his head.

So, he held his hand out to point at the door.

"Do you mind?" he asked, waiting for Carmen to move.

"Mind what?" he looked at him questioningly.

"I can accompany you to you room," Roger answered a little uncertain all of a sudden. Damn it, what was this about? Did he blush?

"You're not going to sleep?" Carmen asked in return.

"I thought about stating awake a little longer," he answered while starting to move out of the kitchen. Carmen followed him in an instance and soon the started walking next to each other.

"You're pretty used to being up that late, huh?" the younger man asked then.

"As much as you obviously," was the answer he got. He wasn't blaming him though. Carmen even managed to smile that little hidden smile he never wanted Roger to see. The older guy noticed in amusement. And soon enough they stood in the living room again, looking around if maybe somehow they'd forgotten something.

Neither of them seemed to know what to say, so Roger walked over to the shelf, taking another glass and poured himself a drink again. This time there was no Scott to stop him. And strangely enough, Carmen remained where he was. He didn't seem to think about going up the stairs and out of sight.

"You're observing me now?" Roger grinned at him. And the result was something he loved more than he was ready to admit. That little shade of red appeared on Carmen's cheeks again.

"No, I er…," he started but didn't get far as Roger pushed another glass filled with alcohol into his hand. He stared at it, lying there perfectly still in his hand, for quite a moment, before looking up at the older man, raising one eyebrow.

"Sit down," he simply said. "I don't suppose I can convince you to sleep, so you'll have to accompany me here."

They smiled at each other and quickly, Carmen sat down on the sofa again. Roger took the bottle from the shelf and moved over to him. He placed it on the table in front of them and let himself sink into that sofa as well. They sat quite some feet away from each other but still, it didn't feel strange. Even that stiffness Carmen used to have weeks ago wasn't anywhere near. On the contrary seemed pretty relaxed. Was he actually beginning to trust him? Roger wasn't sure.

"How come?" he asked then.

"What?" Carmen turned his head towards him.

"That you're a night-owl?" Roger said. "You don't seem like the partying kind of guy."

Carmen looked down immediately. Oh damn it. Was that too much?

"Sorry," he added quickly. "I just meant it's unusual for you not to be tried around that time. That's what I meant." Damn it. He hoped instantly he saved this one.

"Nightmares," Carmen shot. Without warning. Without looking up. Without explaining. Just that one word. And he kept staring ahead.

Roger witnessed this and with the blink of an eye felt bad. Of course he must have had some signs of trauma. Something that kept showing. He must have been through a lot. After all he didn't know much, but what he knew was just awful. He resisted the urge to ask any more though.

"I had this phase," he started then and was strangely relieved to see Camren turning his head in his direction again. "When I didn't know what I was missing. I had had everything. I was successful. In any possible aspect of life. I had a home. I had them," he pointed up, indicating his roommates. "And still there was this feeling. That little dark spot inside of me. That piercing, nagging certainty something was missing."

"What was it?" Carmen asked a little hesitantly.

Roger just shook his head.

"If only I knew," he answered sincerely. And he wondered why he chose this moment to tell him this. "But it was there. They thought all I needed was someone by my side. Someone to take care of me."

"You were alone?" Carmen asked, a little unbelievingly. And he relaxed a little, leaning back into that sofa, propping his arm into the cushions and putting his head on his hand. He was being all ear now.

"For years," Roger smiled at him.

This time it was Carmen who jeered. He took a sip from his glass and quickly averted his eyes.

"What?" Roger grinned quite amused. "Come on, let it out. Don't be like that!"

Carmen looked back at him and had to grin as well.

"I just thought," he started. "Well,…you've had so many … acquaintances here… it is a bit unbelievable you were alone."

Roger started to laugh.

"Not physically, I wasn't," he answered then and their eyes met once again. But suddenly he couldn't face him. That explanation was something…well, he'd have to admit he was a bit ashamed of. "It started then. The guys. All of those hook-ups…."

He could feel Carmen's gaze on him. This was strange. He never felt that nervous before, telling this to anyone.

"I felt like needing contact. In any form possible. Contact to someone who wasn't as dead inside as I felt. And it was great. At least for the short time it lasted," he tried to explain. "But somehow, it never lasted long. And I kind of became addicted to that."

Carmen chose not to say a word.

"You think I'm a pervert now, right?" he asked, looking down at his glass.

"No," he heard the young man answer and his head shot up again. He smiled. Whatever he thought he'd understood in that little story, Carmen sat there and smiled. And once more Roger couldn't help but think that this was the most perfect smile he'd ever seen in his life.

"I think it's brave," Carmen answered. "To notice that feeling inside and not push it away. To recognize there us something wrong and actually trying to find a solution to it. It is a bit self-destructive though, I must admit," he grinned now shortly. "But still…. I understand it. Somehow…"

Roger shook his head slowly and unbelievingly.

"What the hell happened to you?" he whispered then.

"What?"

"Sorry, no," he added, raising his hands. "You don't need to answer. I just thought….well, I've never met anyone like you. How could you have gone through so much shit in life and still be like that? Understanding the most screwed up lifestyle from an old fart like me?"

Carmen started to giggle slightly. A sound that immediately cheered Roger up more than he was able to tell.

"Thays actually the first time, you've used the correct term when it came to talking about you," he said, sticking out his tongue playfully.

"What?" Roger sat up straight, acting scandalized. "How dare you…why come here, you little.."

"What, oh no….leave me be!"

He grabbed Carmen and held him tightly, while trying to tickle him without hurting him in the slightest bit. And the young man didn't fight him, though he was taken by surprise a little. He just kept on laughing with his eyes closed, trying to free his hand to prevent Roger from doing that. It took him a little while, but he succeeded to stem all his power against the older guy and press his hands away from his body, still smiling.

It was then Roger noticed what had happened right now.

Carmen lay there with his face on his chest, holding his arm up high, while watching his injured one, and smiled at him widely. Their hands touched and it was almost as though they held on to each other for a little too long. It felt strange. Almost too familiar. And in that instance the younger man seemed to notice as well.

Quickly he let go of Roger and turned his face away. He didn't make any hint of moving away from him though and remained leaned to his chest instead. Roger was pretty sure he tried to hide that blushing face again. But he wasn't exactly in the position to mock him about it right now. Too unfamiliar was his own breathing which increased by the minute, although he did his very best to hold his body perfectly still. But he could feel his heartbeat hammering against his chest more and more by the second. And with Carmen being so close to him, there was no way he would have missed it.

They lay like this for another couple of minutes. Neither of them spoke. And neither of them dared to move. Roger wanted nothing more than to hide his face right now. But then again, he couldn't think of a better place to be that moment as well.

"It's only a few more weeks," he heard Carmen speak then.

"Until what?"

"Until I won't see all of you again," the young man answered quietly.

"You shouldn't worry about that," Roger said without thinking about his words. "We'll help you get a new start. And we must not cut contact…," he said, noticing then what had slipped out of his mouth. "If you like, of course."

Secretly, he wished for him to say he'd stay that moment. But he couldn't bring himself up to simply ask him.

Instead Carmen just nodded once, placing his hand comfortably next to his face. He didn't plan to move away. At least so it seemed to Roger. And even though a fresh little wave of disappointment crashed over him, he still felt strangely touched by that behavior. And he couldn't help but being reminded of that very first day they had met. The moment he'd finally convinced that shy stranger to follow him here. They had been in that taxi in the exact same position and Roger must admit, it felt like a lifetime away to him. He had so gotten used to Carmen being around, it almost made him wanna scream right now, just thinking about saying goodbye again. But who was he to demand such a thing?

"Carmen?"

"First time…"

"What?"

"First time you've called me that…," he heard the young man answer almost weakly.

He slowly lifted his hand and placed it on Carmen's head. And softly and very carefully he started to stroke it, like his mother had done it so many times whenever he had felt unwell or had been afraid of that big scary world out there.

"I promise I won't just let you down," he whispered. "I won't just go away as everyone else did."

"Hm," was the reaction he got.

He dared to stretch a little bit and cast a look at Carmen's face, only to find the young man had closed his eyes and was about to doze off peacefully.

Roger had to smile as he leaned back. He continued to stroke the head of the young man, while trying to make himself comfortable in this surprisingly unexpected position.

"Little liar," he whispered even more silently. "A fine night-owl you are…"

He listened to the nightly silence around him and watched the lights from outside shining through the windows, giving the dark room an eerie, yet very peaceful look somehow. This wasn't just the empty living room of a huge house anymore. This was a home. And he listened to the soft breathing of Carmen, who snuggled closer to him, and felt the warmth around him. The warmth of another body close to him and the warmth that started to spread inside of him immediately. And as much as he wanted to figure out these strange thoughts he'd been having; which were driving him nuts… he couldn't form one of them right now. He didn't even feel anxious or strange or nervous anymore. No, he felt calmer than ever before. And more secure than anyone could ever make him feel.

This was home.

He leaned his cheek to Carmen's head and let his arm wandered to his shoulders, carefully holding him as though he could be taken away any second.

Could it be… not this was home, but he was….?

That was the last thought Roger could get together before he fell asleep as well…

~ to be continued ~

Chapter 8: Little Voice

Chapter Text

The sun was shining into his face when he opened his eyes again. It took him a little while to adjust to the bright light and he had to blink a couple of times to really get used to it before he could properly see anyway. And for a short moment, everything seemed normal. The way it's always been.

Roger blinked once more and looked around. This was unusual though. He was in the huge living room. The sun reflected in the windows and threw large Ray’s of colorful light on the walls and the ground. The house seemed quiet still. It took him a moment to comprehend why he was here, when he noticed he was lying on the huge couch.

He gasped. All the memory from last night came back to him and he suddenly hardly dared to move. Slowly, his eyes wandered in the other direction, toward his own body which lay stretched out on the furniture and not sitting in one corner as it had been when he last remembered it.

On top of him lay Carmen, still fast asleep. His injured arm pressed between himself and Roger, whereas the other lay peacefully on Roger’s chest.

For a split second Roger thought he might die of a heart attack noticing this. But then he remembered again. Yes, he’d fallen asleep the other night right next to him. But had he seriously spent the whole night on that couch with…him? Well, obviously.

This was not good. Not at all. Roger didn’t dare to move a bit. He even held his breath in order not to make any unnecessary movements; even though he knew this was pretty senseless since the other man was fast asleep and a change in rhythms would probably be more effective to wake him than a thing else.

So, he tried to relax as much as he could. But he wouldn’t manage to take his gaze anywhere else. He couldn’t grasp this. There was this young guy. Being unbelievably close to him. Not shouting, not forced. And not in the slightest the arguing suspicious stranger he had been just a short time ago. No, this was a other version of him somehow. A trusting, peaceful young man who basically survived. And as pathetic as that sounded in his head, Roger knew it was true. Seeing Carmen there, he couldn’t help but think he literally just searched for contact too. In another way than himself but still true.

And there was something highly fascinating about him being so still right there.

So, Roger started to observe him for a while. He couldn’t go anywhere without waking him anyway. Having him so close felt weird in a way. Not unpleasant but new and curiously good.

Carmen looked so young sleeping. All the usual suspicion was gone from his face. All the content asking whether he needed to run and cover or not that always was there so clearly. His hair fell into his face a little and curled on Roger's chest. And with each breath he moved a tiny bit, which looked more peaceful than anything he had ever seen.

He felt his chest rising and falling steadily and for the first time really noticed how light he was. Or maybe he just felt like that; Roger couldn’t really tell. But watching this he felt more and more comfortable with this unexpected new situation here. As a matter of fact more than comfortable.

He immediately noticed that old flightiness crawling up inside of him again. And the longer he watched, the more he felt the need to wrap his arms around him again. To somehow make this closeness even closer…

This was so different from the day they’ve met. He couldn't even explain this himself properly but he knew he’d been craving to have him like this. A thought that woke a slight panic inside of him. He wasn’t stupid. Roger hadn't been there in a while but he realized just then what this was going to become.

He looked away quickly and closed his eyes just a moment to clear his mind. This was bad.

“They were right,” he thought. “How on earth could I bring myself in such a mess?”

He turned his head and, once his eyes were on Carmen again, he noticed that excitement vanish somehow. What almost crashed over him though was just as familiar. That huge gray, gloomy sadness had grown to be accustomed with over the past few days.

So what if he just asked him to stay? What if he simply told him how confusing all this was? What if… what if he really honestly and without anymore denial just told him? Everything? The many times he counted down the clock after work just to see him again. The countless nights he lay awake in that little chamber smiling, cause he noticed how much more open Carmen had become towards him. Or this stinging, almost breathtaking sadness hanging over him whenever he thought about not being able to have him around anymore soon.

Roger watched his hair casually falling into his face, which lay so soothingly on his chest. Whenever he would exhale he would make it move a little but other than that he was completely calm. And Roger felt as though he could to sink into this picture forever.

He slowly lifted his arms and wrapped them carefully around him, just as though he wanted to make sure nothing's gonna harm him from the outside in any way. Not as long as he was there at least.

Carmen didn’t wake up. But as soon as his hands touched him, he snuggled a little closer towards Roger's face. A movement that came so unexpected the older man almost backed away in surprise. Almost. But then he felt that proximity. That warmth, his breath… he could even feel his even heartbeat. And moving his head just a tiny bit, he could smell his hair. And this alone made him forget his surprise. Or his worries. On the contrary, this was highly intoxicating somehow.

And without thinking about it, he gave in. He slowly turned his head and pressed his lips to the young man’s forehead slightly, almost not touching him.

And for a short moment Roger thought he'd have to die never having done this before. Never having known it before.

Unfortunately it was that moment, Carmen teared his eyes wide open. Without any warning his head shot up. He stemmed his body up as much as his injured arm would allow and with the most shocking eyes he’d ever seen he now stared at Roger, who couldn’t move a bit. All he was able to do was staring back at him, equally shocked. It felt as though he was being ripped out of sleep that instance. And yes, he had to admit it, he almost felt scared suddenly. Scared to death he’d ruined this. Scared of having done something he couldn’t take back. He couldn’t fix.

“What are you doing?” Carmen only whispered.

Roger opened his mouth to answer, but even if he had something prepared, he wouldn’t find himself able to produce just one sound.

Carmen quickly turned around. It was then he seemed to notice where he was and more importantly with whom. He gasped. Roger could tell he was about to freak out right now.

“Oh my God,” he whispered the words at first, but then stemmed himself up and quickly found his balance as he stepped away from Roger even more. His voice grew louder too. “Oh my God!”

“Calm down, will you", Roger was on his feet in no time, holding up his hands to somehow reassure him this wasn’t what it looked like. “Nothing happened. No need to…”

“What do you think you are doing?”

Carmen whirled around, looking angry. And in a way fearful. Of him. Roger could hardly believe it. Damn it, this shouldn’t have happened. He saw him holding his arm immediately again, which was proof enough that this was a reflex whenever something new occurred by now.

“It wasn’t…I wasn’t…listen, you got that wrong. I was just..”

“I knew it,” Carmen stepped back even more. He was almost screaming now. “No plan behind this, huh? What a lot of b…”

“It wasn’t like that,” Roger interfered before could finish. “You gotta believe me.”

“Like last time, you mean? Only so you can get what you want the very next moment?”

Roger swallowed those words and really had to hold back. He could deal with accusations from everyone else. But him thinking this way made him ….angry.

“What a nice little tactic to tell me about your shitty behavior beforehand. What was this about then? To get me to feel sorry for you?” Carmen yelled.

“No, please…what I said was the truth,” Roger said and felt himself getting desperate on top of that anger. “This shouldn’t have happened…”

“Oh, you’re right, it shouldn’t have,” Carmen inhaled. His face darkened. “I shouldn’t have believed you in the first place. Stupid of me.”

“What? No…!”

“Gosh, I’m feeling like an idiot,” he turned away, leaning his should to the wall and fixating the floor. “I seriously started to think you’ve meant what you’ve said months ago. I should have listened to my guts!”

Roger took a deep breath.

“If you could just calm down,” he said then. “We can talk about it…”

“So you can try to wrap me around your finger again?” Carmen turned and looked furious once more. “To try and get me somewhere and have a grope again?”

“YOU FELL ASLEEP,” Roger screamed back now. Carmen stiffened immediately and, though he regretted it, Roger just wasn't able to stop now. “Stop throwing these things at me. You fell asleep and I just didn’t move so you wouldn’t wake! There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“YEAH, EXCEPT FOR THAT LITTLE STEP CLOSER, RIGHT?”

“I didn’t mean it,” Roger stepped closer, not giving a damn if he scared him right now. “For God's sake, just quit being a child here. You always assume the worst. In people. In me! But nothing’s just black and white. Everything I’ve told you is the truth. Everything I did for you has happened without any expectations. This was just…”

“What?” Carmen stemmed himself against that guy, who was at least one head taller than himself. “What was it then? That little extra mile you’re willing to go? You're unbelievable.”

“I never did anything alike,” Roger was fuming now. This wasn’t good. Not at all. “Not to you anyway!”

“They were right, weren’t they?” Carmen let his hands ffll; his face a mixture of disbelief and disappointment. “That’s what you’ve been up to all along…”

“Will you stop that?!” Roger just didn’t believe it. “Listen, I am sorry okay? I didn’t mean to go that far, but…”

“So, there is a ‘but'?!” Carmen yelled back.

“What's going on here?”

“What’s that screaming about?”

Both of them whirled around when Kevin, Shirley, Brian and Scott entered the living room. All of them were dressed in their pajamas still and looked as though something had just woken them up rather harshly. Well, no surprise here. Their screaming must have been heard down the street and back.

They all stared at them incomprehensively. Their eyes wandered from one to the other while they were obviously waiting for any kind of explanation.

Shirley was the first to notice Carmen’s panicked expression though and she immediately bit her lips. It took her not more than a second when she rushed to his side and put her hand on his shoulder. She whirled around to face Roger.

“What the hell have you done?” she hissed.

Instinctively, Roger backed away a little; his eyes wide, throwing his hands up in defense.

“Have you been fighting?” Kevin looked at him now too. “Why?”

“It was nothing,” Roger looked from Kevin to Shirley and back.

“Nothing?” Carmen screamed back, while Shirley tried to hold him from jumping forward. “You even have the impudence to call that nothing?”

“What did you do?” he heard Brian's voice now too and once he looked around, Roger saw all their eyes were on him. This was going to escalate. He could tell from their looks.

“Now listen,” he started, stepping back and leaning back a little to defend against that wave of unspoken accusations in front of him. “I was gonna explain when you came in. He got that wrong. I didn’t mean to assault you. I went too far, I know that. But believe me, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I swear it won’t happen again.”

“Are you serious?” Shirley stepped forward. “Are you freaking serious?”

“Roger, what the hell,” Scott piped up now too. “You said this wasn’t what you had in mind.”

“He told you?” Carmen looked around. When he met Scott's gaze, his eyes grew to a new dimension. “He’s been talking about….about that? To you?”

“I was never implying…,” Roger started again but didn’t even manage to think about ending the sentence.

“This is no tactic, is it?” Carmen turned to him so quickly, he almost jumped back. “You just can’t help yourself. Just like you did with all the others. With so many… what is this? A game to you? You think everyone is only there to satisfy your needs? Whenever you need it?”

“No.”

“Did you plan this blonde guy too?” Carmen shot.

Roger didn’t believe his ears. That was months ago. He was still holding a grudge about it obviously.

“Don’t you dare accusing me of something like this,” His voice was sharp now. So much, his roommates immediately flinched for a second. They never did that before. So Roger knew he must have sounded quite determined right now. Unfortunately, Carmen was not in the least bit impressed. On the contrary, he seemed to grow even more and his stare almost burned through him.

“Nothing that guy did was okay,” Roger screamed back now. He also raised his finger and pointed at the young man in front of him. “And I won’t stand here, taking the blame for a perverted jerk like that! Not when I defended you. The mere idea I would do something like that to you or anyone else is insulting. I won’t take that, do you hear me? Not from someone like you!”

“Roger!” Kevin tried to calm him, but this careful tone just enraged him even more right now.

“No!” He yelled. “Enough of that! Enough tip-toeing around him all the time.”

Carmen inhaled deeply and seemed to hold his breath as he lifted his head slightly and squinted his eyes. Almost as though he expected some kind of attack any second. But it was plain obvious he was going against him now.

“Listen now and listen carefully,” Roger went on. “I’ve taken you in. I've done everything for you to feel at home as long as you’re here. And I have had it! No matter what I do, it’s not enough for you! No matter what happens, you keep thinking about me having ulterior motives! And now you have the guts to accuse me of something like this?”

“What are your talking about?” Shirley stepped in again. “Did you let one of your flings near him?”

She looked shocked. And not shocked in a ‘Shirley-exaggerates-everything’ manner but true naked disbelief. She even shook her head asking the question.

“Roger, is that true?” Kevin stepped forward now too. The blame was written all over his face.

“WILL YOU STOP THAT? ALL OF YOU!” Roger screamed at them now too. He was starting to gesture wildly and he only did that when he absolutely didn’t know what to do anymore. “THIS IS BEYOND ABSURD! I WOULD NEVER AND YOU KNOW THAT! LISTEN, THAT GUY…HE CAME ONTO HIM AND I TRIED TO HOLD HIM BACK. Is this the behavior of someone doing stuff like that? Do you really think that?”

“But kissing me while I’m asleep is fine?” Carmen screeched back. His voice has gotten unnaturally high now.

All of them turned their heads to Roger again simultaneously. All of them looked as though they had just heard of him having burned down an orphanage.

“You….you did what?” Brian asked slowly.

“I don’t believe it,” Kevin said.

“I knew this,” Shirley jumped in. “I knew you were gonna go for him….just like you always do!”

“Rog,” Scott sounded as though he didn’t believe who was standing there in front of him. “You said not him. I seriously believed this was different for once.”

“So what was this?” Shirley stemmed her arms to her hips. “The price he has to pay to be here? This is disgusting!”

“You really went too far this time,” Brian added.

“What the..,” Roger threw his arms up. He was outraged. “Is this how you see me all of a sudden? A pervert like that pig trying to get to him?”

“We didn’t even know about this,” Shirley screamed back. “What else was going on in here? And on his expanse? This is low, even for you!”

“There's no difference!”

Roger’s eyes grew to a new dimension when he heard Carmen’s voice once more. He looked up and found him in the farthest corner, looking at him with the same disgusted, distrusting look he’d seen on him that first day in that alley. He gasped. So much loathing. So much suspicion. Everything that had been gone, there it was again. He indeed had managed to ruin this all. A fact that hit him like a ton of bricks that very moment.

“You are exactly like him,” Carmen spoke quietly now, but sounded more sinister than ever before. “There is no difference at all.”

Roger closed his eyes for a mere second and felt himself clenching his teeth. No. He had been wrong. Carmen had never changed. He had never let his guards down. He had never trusted him. All he had done was agreeing to that new course they’d wanted to try. But he wasn’t someone else. He still was that inscrutable stranger. That suspicious nobody with a very dark past he knew absolutely nothing about.

“Perfect!” he heard himself firing back, before opening his eyes again. He took one or maybe two dangerous steps towards him. “You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you? Now you know for sure what kind of man I am…!”

“ROGER!” he heard Scott again, but ignored him.

“IN THIS CASE, YOU'LL GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU SEE!” he kept on. “NO MORE, NO LESS… NO MORE PRETENDING! LUCKY YOU!”

For a second he thought he’d spotted something like tears starting to well in Carmen’s eyes, but he knew for sure this must have been his imagination. He probably was just too fed up with being right, he went a little emotional. And he still just glared back with these horribly cold eyes.

So, Roger turned and as quickly as he could passed him and left the room.

All of them stood there thunderstruck. They only dared to look after him, not moving in the slightest. It was only after they’ve heard the front door slammed shut, they managed to exhale.

Slowly they’ve turned around to look at each other. Kevin shrugged, not knowing what to do. Brian just shook his head, whereas Scott and Shirley stared at each other with their mouths slightly open and their eyes wide. Then they turned to look at Carmen who leaned with his back to the wall. He had his head bent and held his arm as though it caused him a dreadful pain. His hair fell into his face slightly and he had his face turned away from them as good as possible. It looked as though he was clenching his teeth hard. Just as though he wanted to swallow everything he was thinking right now, so they wouldn’t see.

“Darling? Are you alright?” Shirley asked in a soft, maternal voice. She reached for him, but didn’t dare to touch I’m at first.

Carmen nodded. They could see that.

“Hey,” Kevin came towards him too. “Do you need anything?”

He shook his head slightly.

They’ve exchanged looks once more. This wasn’t good. If he shut down again, all of this would have been in vain indeed.

“You want us to leave you alone for a bit?” Brian then asked.

“I need to sleep,” Carmen replied then with a very quiet, very hoarse voice. He turned his head a little but still looked down to the ground. “I’m feeling incredibly tired.”

“Certainly,” Shirley replied. “You just go up and lie down. Tell me when you get hungry and I’ll fix you something.”

Once more, he simply nodded and then slightly kicked himself up from the wall to heave his body up again. He turned quickly and left the room, always careful not to meet their eyes. But Shirley noticed when he turned… that glitter in the corners of his eyes. And the wet streaks on his cheeks he wanted to hide so badly. It went so quick, she almost thought she’d imagined it… And even before she could think about it any more, he was gone. Out of sight and up that stairs.

“This is bad,” she said quietly.

“And what now?” Brian asked after a moment.

“I never believed he would do that,” Kevin shook his head still. “That he would actually care so little.”

“Well, Carmen doesn’t give a damn about him,” Brian answered. “And this won’t change now. Not with Roger having done this. Let’s face it. They’ll never get along.”

“That’s not true!”

They lifted their head and turned to look at Shirley.

“He does care. A lot,” she said.

“What makes you think that?” Brian asked back.

Shirley pointed at the stairs in the hallway, her gaze far away.

“He’s crying...”

__________________

 

The following days were filled with silence mostly. A dull, heavy, unbearable silence. Carmen didn’t say much to anyone. He followed them to work each day and did whatever was asked of him. He seemed distant though. He wasn’t at all that funny and open anymore but somehow holed himself up. Sure, he was being friendly to anyone who'd address him and from time to time he'd even laugh with some people, but knowing him it felt depressed. And somehow not real.

They witnessed this from a good distance every day. Sometimes they would simply look at each other through the huge theatre just as if each of them thought the same thing. It was being helpless on a new level. But then they had to admit, they’ve changed too. All of them were quieter and more withdrawn than before. Whenever they spoke to each other, it was behind their hands. Just as though they feared someone might notice something wasn’t right. But then again, the whole atmosphere had shifted and felt tense. It would have been a miracle no one noticed.

Roger was his usual self again. A little loud, a little moody and very demanding. He kept himself as far away from Carmen as he could manage though. They hadn’t spoke a word ever since that morning and it almost seemed he wasn’t even acknowledging the young man anymore. Just as though he had vanished. Whenever he handed him something in the course of rehearsals, he would take it without looking at him or saying anything. Carmen seemed fine with it. He usually held his eyes down and did everything never to address him in any way before hurrying away again.

This was all a great mess.

They couldn’t even talk to Roger again. He would never let it happen and usually wasn’t in one room with them longer than necessary. On the evening’s he would stroll the town again and nobody got to see him until the early hours of morning.

Carmen would sometimes sit with them, but usually hid away somewhere in the house. He became more and more something more similar to a ghost than an actual person living there. He almost seemed to need that quiet time somehow. And it didn’t come as a surprise to them.

“He is in shock,” Brian mentioned that evening while he helped preparing their dinner. “We've always known there was a chance of him pulling back again.”

“Well, they both said a lot of nasty things,” Kevin agreed, sitting on the table and working on some kind of jacket.

“Yes, but it's not good they keep away from everything now,” Scott mentioned, looking out of the window.

“Better than them fighting,” Shirley didn’t look up while stirring something on the stove. “I wouldn’t want them killing each other.”

“But that’s not helping,” Kevin answered her.

“Helping?”

“Well, you know…,” he looked up at her. “He will leave very soon.”

All of them nodded. They knew what he was implying here.

“He won’t change his mind,” Brian said silently.

“If Roger only talked to him,” Shirley looked up sadly. “He could at least set it right and make him not wanting to cut us all loose.”

“Do you think he would listen?” Kevin interfered.

But Shirley nodded immediately. “I told you, I know what I saw.”

“But,” Brian started slowly, rubbing his head. “If he really does care…you know about his reactions. About him… Why did he freak out that much?”

“Wouldn’t you too?” Shirley asked in return, facing him. “Roger’s got a history after all.”

“So does Carmen,” Scott jumped in. “I bet it was a reaction bout of panic just then.”

All of them turned to him and suddenly fell silent. And he knew they’d wanted him to continue. He sighed and rubbed his neck once with his hand.

“I seriously got a feeling there’s more behind it,” he tried to explain.

“More?” Brian raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, just put all this together,” Scott went on. “First of all why were they even down in the living room together?”

“Yes, I was wondering about it too,” Kevin nodded. “They must have spent the night down there.”

“Right, so now just notice they’ve been getting along very well in the past weeks,” Scott kept on explaining.

“A little too well if you remember all the theories we’ve had,” Shirley agreed.

“And Roger’s been acting strange anyway around him,” Brian said, tapping his lip with his finger. “That’s why it strikes me even more he'd actually have the guts to use him just like anyone else.”

“Yeah but that’s exactly the point,” Scott threw in, making him look up again. “What if he didn’t?”

“You’ve been there,” Kevin said. “You heard both of them.”

“Yes, but he said he defended him from that guy… whatever had happened there,” Scott nodded. “What if that’s true? What if he really just meant well?”

“It sounded more like he was coming onto Carmen,” Shirley said, crossing her arms.

“So, try to see his point,” Scott went on. “He is traumatized. He’s been injured and probably has experienced a lot of things none of us can even imagine. So a simple touch can come off as something much more assaulting than what it actually was. And Carmen isn’t quite there to let his guard down completely.”

“Well, at least he didn’t run,” Kevin agreed. “He never once mentioned leaving as soon as possible like he did in the first weeks.”

“See?” Scott cheered. “So, there must be a reason. He either seriously likes to be here or…”

“You’re implying he’s still here BECAUSE of Roger?”

All of them looked confused now.

“Think about it,” Scott gestured. “He had warmed up so much about him. He had been completely cool despite having freaked out when he was around in the beginning. And he is the only one really managing to put Roger off his stride.”

“True, he stands against him if necessary.”

“So you saw him crying,” Scott pointed at Shirley. “You’re only emotional if something means anything to you. So, what if we’ve been wrong? Lime all the time? What if there’s more inside of him than what he shows?”

None of them said a word for quite a while. They just kept staring straight ahead, obviously thinking hard.

“But Roger seems to see him as another trophy still,” Brian said hesitantly then.

“Does he really?” Scott asked.

“Roger’s always been very open about what he wanted,” Kevin nodded. “You could tell from the start if he was after someone for fun or not. And he surely never waited months for getting to the point.”

“And he never felt the need to defend himself if he really wasn’t interested in someone seriously,” Shirley snapped.

All of them looked up and Scott could tell the point of them realizing what he wanted to say. Their eyes grew and a soft “oh" filled the room.

“Yes,” he nodded and had to smile slightly. “Gentlemen, I think there’s more, much more, going on…”

__________________

 

Carmen leaned against the balustrade of the backyard, looking over the small garden-like exterior. It was a sunny day and the sun was letting a small green oasis shine like a painting. The soft summer wind carried the heat of the city with him. Bees and butterflies playfully jumped from flower to flower and made all this seem so amazingly peaceful.

He stood there not noticing anything of this though.

His mind was gloomy and everything seemed gray around him. He'd known this state. He'd been there before. And he regretted it so much. He didn’t even recognize himself anymore. He'd never been such an awful person. But ever since he had tried to be who he knew he was, everything seemed to collapse around him.

He close his eyes and sighed. He was trying so hard to sort this all out in his head. All the things that had been said. All the accusations. He regretted having screamed. He regretted having freaked out. And as much as he tried he just couldn’t forget the way Roger had looked at him. He had been so shocked. So unbelieving. When ever he would close his eyes that look was there again. And the trembling in his voice as he tried to explain…

And he just had refused to listen…

Carmen knew he had been overreacting. He knew he shouldn’t have said all those things. But it just fit in the picture. That man had shown this side from the very beginning. And taking that last step was about what he had been expecting in the first place anyway.

“He’s been taking you in and even now hasn't given up on you” a small voice in his head kept screaming at him. And he knew this was right. The thing that bothered I’m most was that he felt so damn incapable of acting against his first impulses ever since all this incredible shit had happened to him. He hated himself for not trusting someone. They all were nice people. They all meant more than well. And Roger indeed seemed very fond of him. Yet he couldn’t even bring himself to fully believe him.

And that confused I’m more than anything else. He felt it deep within himself. He wanted to believe him. He didn’t mean to be complicated or in the center of attention. He didn’t even want to feel the things he kept feeling. All the physical reactions to that guy. All the shivering inside whenever they spoke. And that strange desire to be close to him. He'd noticed all that but had done his very best to swallow it, hide it or ignore it. Only with the result of it becoming stronger each time. Maybe that’s why he’d been tipping over that morning. He didn’t want anyone to notice something he couldn’t even grasp himself. And especially not Roger.

But then again, he had said all of this. He had basically accused him of using him. All these horrible things he had thrown at him just as though that little voice whispering all the truths into his ear all the time was missing just then. And he felt dreadful about it.

He'd not only hurt him… he knew by his every reaction. Hell, Roger wasn’t even looking at him anymore. No, he had destroyed whatever there had been that had made him feel good. He just knew. He basically didn’t exist anymore. Not to Roger. Not to himself. And each time the memory of them acting carefree around each other sneaked back into his head, he felt he could break down. It hurt in an unknown way.

So why did he care so much? Did he want this kiss to mean something?

Carmen leaned his head into his hand and felt close to tears again. He wanted to tell him. He didn’t know why but all the things he tried to hide and didn’t want anyone to know; he wanted him to know. He wanted to spat it out and let him judge him. Let him decide to think badly of him or to throw him out or whatever. He didn’t care what would happen. If only that man got to know who he was… And that despair collided with everything he knew was right and every single belief he had grown up on.

He sighed and turned around to face this huge house.

He had been here for a long time now. Maybe it was indeed time to leave. To close that chapter as much as his head rebelled against it. He would only bring them more trouble. They all were happy the way they lived. They looked each other and got along. And now, only because of him, they were fighting. He indeed had turned all their routines around.

So without noticing it, he started to walk down that terrace and back into the long hallway which lead through the marble halls.

He looked around and everything seemed blurry somehow. He cast a look at all the doors dividing the different parts of the house from each other. All the white, sterile rooms that weren’t in fact white and sterile anymore.

He'd let him do so much here. This was his home after all. Yet, he had redecorated it. Made it more cozy; more colorful. And suddenly Carmen felt bad about it.

“I’ve taken away so much of who he was,” he thought. And who gave him the right to do such a thing?

He stopped at the end of the huge stairways and lifted his head. There at the end of the steps hung that picture of the two dancers Roger had given him. The one that started it all.

“He never was like that,” that voice whispered inside his head again. “You only saw his true self when he let go of that gloominess! When he gave up hiding who he was.”

Quickly Carmen took his gaze away from the painting. He shook that thought away and quickly and as quietly as possible left the house through the front door. He closed it as quietly as he could and stepped down the small stairs in front of the building.

Strange. It had never felt so hard to walk that way. But now, he was determined to not coming back here again. And all of a sudden his while body felt heavier than ever before. He grabbed his arm again. He knew he’d promised to wait. He had planned to say goodbye to them properly. But somehow he could not face them now.

He turned around once more and looked at that place. And even though he tried to deny it, he felt his heart breaking. This had grown to be more than just a prison. As place he was forced to live in due to an agreement he’d given a stranger in the streets when he wasn’t able to think straight.

“You’ve never had something feeling so much like a home,” that voice reported.

“I don’t belong here,” he answered quietly, turning his head away and started to walk down the street.

The streets looked so different now. Even though he had been walking down them a lot ever since Roger had employed him, now there was this nasty touch to them. Almost as though the huge ancient buildings had developed a sense of self suddenly and stared down at him, judging. The wind sounded like their blaming whispers, echoing back from their walls to hit him at each corner. Just as though everything on the Upper East Side was talking about him being wrong. About what he was about to do was not right.

Carmen closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. With his hands turned to fists he tried to speed up his walk. God damn it, why was this being so hard to do?

“Cause it's wrong and you know it,” the little voice answered.

“Stop it! Just stop!” Carmen almost screamed out as he stopped and held himself on a wall of a huge building. He couldn’t stand that wicked bad conscience inside of him growing louder. He listened closely. But suddenly the voice had become silent. So he opened his eyes again in surprise.

When he raised his head again he looked around. He surely never had been in this part of the neighborhood. An alley that didn’t quite look like the Upper East Side the way he had gotten to know it. It looked dark in a way. Every now and then he could make out some neon adds that indicated pubs or bars or whatever and there were old trashcans galore decorating their entrances. Old posters hung on the dirty brick stone walls and every now and then some huge looking guys would stand in front of the entrance doors, smoking. Usually he would have turned around and left a place like that. Experience told him not to interfere with surroundings like this.

But then a sound caught his ear.

It wasn’t that annoying conscience screaming again, but a very real scream of a low voice.

Instinctively his head shot up and he jumped behind one of those trashcans and ducked away.

A door flung open and he heard some bartender being yelling.

“That’s enough now! You’ve had enough!”

He pulled a guy out of the door, whom he had only grabbed by his shirt and roughly threw him into the streets.

He landed on the cold stone of the ground rather urgently and didn’t seem to move a lot anymore. Another guy jumped out of the door and after the one on the ground.

“I don’t want disgusting perverts like you in here anymore,” the bartender screamed while pointing at them. “If I’d known what you’ve been up to, I wouldn’t have rented you that room!”

“What are you talking about?” the other man asked with a smirk on his face, standing there next to the person on the ground. “He played you a good amount of money. Whatever he does then is not yours to know!”

“He can’t even walk properly anymore,” the one at the door answered angrily. “I don’t want my business to shut down cause of you fairies!”

He spat on the one on the ground before turning and slamming the door shut.

Carmen ducked down a little more and clenched his teeth, swallowing hard. Too well did he remember that kind of treatment. He sighed slightly. This was what he had to face everywhere. The world hadn’t changed a bit. That poor fool on the ground probably got what he deserved though. If he had learned one thing out there, it was to keep your mouth shut. Not stroll around as obvious as the two over there did apparently. Hell, the one still standing even looked shattered. Like a worn out drag showing a but too obvious what he was into. They should have known better than to walk around like an old shattered queen, doing whatever sexual perversion they had been up to in there.

When he opened his eyes again, he caught a closer look at that guy through the trashcans.

“You’ve really overdone it,” he said, addressing the loveless and obviously very drunk man on the ground. “But I must admit I hardly ever had as much fun.”

He grabbed him by his shirt which was practically bitterer with stains that looked like dirt, vomit and probably alcohol and lifted his body up to look into his face.

“I never believed I’d hear from you again,” the guy spoke again. “But having you kneeling in front of me… oh so desperate. I gotta admit, it was hotter than expected. I might as well forgive you that little stunt with your boy-toy back at your place!”

Carmen’s gasped.

It was then he recognized that broken down old guy. It was the blonde Anonymous from weeks ago Roger had brought home and then kicked out again. Unbelievable. He must have taken advantage of a drunken desperate guy at his lowest. Carmen couldn’t even find words to describe the disgust he felt towards him once more.

“But don’t really expect me to get you home in that state,” he continued and let the man fall down harshly. He clapped his hands once or twice, as though he wanted to get rid of the dirt the drunk had spilled on him.

The man on the floor moaned weakly.

“Aww now,” he said. “You’re a grown boy! You will be able to crawl back once you’re sober again.”

Thus he stepped away a little, obviously ready to leave.

He took one more look at the drunk though and waved him goodbye just as though they were good friends seeing each other the very next day again and he smiled.

“It's been a real blast Roger, but I am not a Nanny. I guess you’ll understand that, right?”

Carmen’s eyes widened in shock. He wasn’t sure he heard right the first moment.

But then the guy just turned on his heels in an almost dance-like manner and walked away down that alley. Carmen immediately pressed his body closer to the stone wall , ducking down as much as his arm would allow him. Heaven knew what would happen if he saw him sitting there while passing him.

He heard die clicking sound of that guys heels getting louder and echoing down the walls when he passed him. He didn’t seem to look around and luckily also didn’t notice him there. Carmen waited a short moment longer until he was certain he was gone for sure. He kept listening to the sounds of the street until he was entirely convinced there was no surprise awaiting him when he got out there.

But then he crawled slowly out of the pile of rubbish, wiping it off of him once and whirled around.

The lifeless body was still lying there in the dirty puddles of that alley.

“You need to do something,” that voice inside screamed at him.

And without thinking about it and as fast as his feet carried him, he ran towards that man. Roger!

“Please, no,” he thought without recognizing it really.

He reached him in no time, looking down next to him. But it was hard to believe what he actually saw there in front of him.

That man down there on the cold unforgiving floor was as far from the Roger Debris he had gotten to know as every other human being in this city.

He looked horrible. Worn out and dirty. His stubble indicated he’d been up for hours, nights even and had probably not been home. His clothes were dirty and ragged and he smelled horribly of alcohol, vomit and sweat. He must have spent the past night and the whole day having screwed his worries away with this disgusting pervert. Carmen looked up his face. He’s had rings under his eyes and his wavy hair hung down this forehead in wild bangs, curling up a bit on the gaping wound on his left temple. Thin lines of blood were running down his face.

“What have you done?” Carmen whispered in shock.

He was alive though. He twitched from time to time and breathed heavily. He sounded as though he was hurt though every time a moan escaped him. He didn’t seem to be able to articulate himself anymore.

“God damn it, you’re wasted,” Carmen whispered and looked around in panic.

He didn’t think about it that moment but he knew he simply had to do something. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest and he felt that coldness crawling up his neck, which meant one thing. He was panicking. He was scared as hell right now. His breath became so fast. He didn’t know what to do.

Once more he looked down on Roger in front of him. He tried to move his arm apparently and slightly managed to touch his forehead every now and then. But he lost control over his body each time again quickly and simply smeared the blood down his shirt.

“Don’t,” Carmen heard himself as though he was standing a few feet himself from himself as he grabbed his hands and held them down to prevent him from hurting himself even more. “Don’t do that. I’ll get you out of here, ok? Just let me think of something,”

He felt his eyes getting watery seeing this horrible picture there in front of him. Once more he looked around. He needed to do something. He needed to help. If anything happened to him….

Roger moaned again and caught his attention back. It appeared he wanted to speak but just couldn't control his tongue at all.

“Shh, don't,” Carmen spoke again, looking at him softly while tears were running down his cheeks now. “We will get you home. Nothing's gonna happen, I swear. It will be alright again.”

“Carmen,” Roger moaned, causing the young man to gasp and freeze on point.

“I’m here,” he whispered, while softly stroking his head. He was pretty sure Roger didn’t notice anything though. Neither did he know where he was. He simply mumbled whatever was in his mind right now. “I’m here. Don’t worry.”

“I…hngh…mmm… hungh…,” he kept on moaning but got calmer as he seemed to feel his touch. “’m s-sorry…”

And then he blacked out completely…

_________________

 

Every now and again he would wake…

Blurry images appeared in front of his eyes. Fractals of people passing him. Voices he heard every now and then. Familiar voices. He swore he could hear his name every now and then too. But it seemed so far away.

All of it.

He would lose his consciousness always again.

If someone had asked him about it, he’d say it was like people always describe a delirium.

His body hurt.

And he felt thirsty all the time. If there only wasn’t this horrible headache.

But then, each time he felt his head was close to exploding, he could feel someone softly putting his hand on his forehead, whispering softly to him.

“I’m here! Just sleep… Don’t worry. Everything will be alright when you wake up!”

And this made him feel safe somehow.

He also imagined pictures. They appeared vividly in front of him each time he opened his aching eyes a little. And it was always the same image…

Carmen….

__________________

 

He opened his eyes again and the beaming sunlight hit him. It was so bright, he had to blink a couple of times to get used to it. His head hurt still. And his mouth felt so dry. It was beyond uncomfortable.

“Oh my God, you’re alright?”

Roger turned his head.

Starring back at Jim with a rather worried expression sat Kevin, who immediately grabbed for a glass of water to hand it over to him.

It took him a huge amount of effort to sit up straight, but once he’d managed it, he thankfully took the liquid and drank as though he never had anything drinkable in his life. And oh God, it sure felt good when the cold water ran down his throat.

“Easy there,” Kevin said. “Don’t forget to breathe!”

Roger inhaled deeply. He wiped away a drop of water from his chin and slowly raised his hand to his head. It just hurt. He surely had had hangovers before, but never like this. He either got old or…

His fingers swiped over the Band-Aid on his temple.

“Have I hurt myself?” he asked and was surprised how hung over he actually sounded.

“I’m not surprised you don’t remember a thing,” Kevin jeered slightly. “God damn it, Roger. Never scare us like this again.”

“I went out,” he answered and looked at him a bit confused.

“Yes, but you surely never got wasted like that,” Kevin replied sincerely.

“What happened?” he asked, looking uncertain.

It was then he turned his head a little and noticed where he was. The huge white room. The white carpets, the closet… that oh so familiar view outside of the huge light window.

His eyes widened.

“I’m… in my …,” he stuttered unbelievingly.

Kevin nodded.

“It was best you got a place to sober up where you got a little space,” he explained. “You were moving quite a lot and had feverish dreams. Should have heard your screaming.”

Roger turned his head and didn’t even need to ask the million questions in his head. All of them at once were there in his face.

So, Kevin started to explain what they had known. That he had been almost unconscious for the past two days. How none of them had known what had happened, until their doorbell rang and Carmen stood out there with his lifeless body thrown over his back. He had been looking so scared. His face had been red from the exhaustion and sweat had been running down his forehead, mixing up with very obvious tears in his eyes.

“He said he’d found you,” Kevin explained. “When he was out ….’taking a walk’!”

He raised his voice to emphasize the last part. Both of them knew in an instant that wasn’t true.

“He wanted to leave,” Roger whispered nearly not audible and Kevin nodded in agreement.

He then kept on telling him what Carmen had told them. How that guy had left him on the ground while he could have died of a concussion or whatever else if nobody had cared. How he had not known what else to do than to carry him back. How he had to stop every now and then cause he had feared Roger lose his consciousness or because he would throw up at the corner of another street.

“It must have hurt him a lot,” Kevin said. “He shouldn’t have moved his arm that much, but he didn’t seem to care at all. Believe me, he was so scared.”

“Did he say that?” Roger couldn’t look the other man in the eyes. This felt more embarrassing than anything else.

“Roger?”

He slowly turned his head when Kevin addressed him so tenderly. He hardly ever heard so much sincerity and blame in his voice. And now his eyes were literally piercing him.

“He spent the entire two days next to you!”

“What?”

“We wanted him to rest,” he continued. “But there was no way he would move a bit. He took care of your wound, even though it's nothing more than a scratch. He watched you all night. Always paying attention you would hurt yourself or throw up again or whatever else could have happened. I swear to God, I’ve never seen him so desperate. You must have scared him a lot. And I mean a lot.”

Roger didn’t believe his ears. He felt as though he had held his breath the whole story through.

“I guess he felt responsible for what had happened.”

“Where is he now?” Roger managed to croak and grabbed in to the sheets as though he would fall every second if he didn't but feared the answer the very same moment. “Did he…?”

To his great relief, Kevin shook his head.

“He didn’t leave,” he answered. “He is at work. With the others.”

“He still goes there?” this was rather surprising somehow. After all the things he had done. And all the stuff he had said and done to him in the past couple of days. Roger immediately felt bad even more.

“He was determined someone had to coordinate your work once he knew nothing's gonna happen to you,” Kevin said.

This was it. Roger couldn’t stay here anymore and just take this. He swung the blanket around and tried to stand up. He was a little uncoordinated at first and his stomach flipped a little the very first moment, but he managed to get a hold of himself in no time.

When he opened the closet to grab the first clothes he could find, he felt Kevin’s hand on his shoulder. It determinedly forced him to turn and look at him once more. A movement that surprised Roger a lot, since the chubby guy never had shown any signs of standing up against him in any way.

“Rog?” he said again, a little louder now. “You better set this right!”

He simply stared at him.

“If you seriously think the boy's not caring about what you do or think or say, you’re really as heartless as you made him believe,” he said. “And believe me, if you upset him in any way Shirley is gonna skin you alive. And I will personally help her!”

Roger was more than taken aback by this notion. He stared after Kevin , not believing what he had just heard. But the smaller man simply shot a warning look at him and turned to leave the room.

____________________

 

He arrived at the theatre about half an hour later and quickly paid the cab driver. But when he entered the farm room, he couldn’t see anything at first. Damn, he never noticed how much being hung over messed with his perception. Usually this wouldn’t have been such big a deal.

He jumped down the aisles and looked around.

The usual, very vivid hustle of all the people working there while rehearsals went on made hard to make out anyone in particular at first. Roger turned around again and tried to make out each face that passed him. He didn’t really react to several people saying hello to him when he passed them. Not while he was looking around still anyway.

“Wow, looks who’s back from the dead,” he heard then and turned.

Shirley stood there next to Brian, her arms stemmed to her body. Both of the looked pretty pissed, he must admit.

“Well I hope you’ve had your fun the other day,” she continued. “Doesn’t matter at all some of us where scared shitless. And now you just show up here again, continuing as though this all was nothing, right?”

“Shirley, will you shut up for God's sake?” Roger shot at her, causing her to freeze in place and looming more than surprised. “Tell me where he is. You can scream at me a when we're home as much as you like!”

Shirley and Brian looked at each other, not believing what he had just said. Then they turned back to him and simply raised their hands both at the same time; pointing backstage.

“He’s going through the papers you gave him a couple of days ago,” Brian answered.

“Thank you very much,” Roger replied sarcastically and after another nasty look at them, marched on to take the door that lead backstage.

Shirley and Brian looked at each other once more.

“Wow,” he said, grinning slightly. “He actually knows how to shut you up!”

Shirley hit him hard with a cable she’s been carrying…

 

Roger almost ran down the corridor to the room he knew he kept all the paperwork. It was quiet there, so the perfect place to do this kind of stuff without getting interrupted every now and then. Plus the light shining through the window there was perfect not to get tired to easily staring at this stuff all day long.

He hesitated shortly and took a deep breath, but then opened the door carefully and entered the room.

Carmen sat there with his back to him, obviously reading through something. He hadn’t noticed yet someone had entered the room behind him.

So, Roger closed the door behind him, feeling he wanted to be away from possible interruptions just now.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Carmen reacted though. His head whirled around and when he noticed who it was, he once again looked almost frightful. He jumped up immediately and stepped behind the chair, holding on to it tightly just as though he wasn’t supposed to sit there.

Roger noticed his injured arm in the sling around his neck sporting new dressing material. They obviously must have changed it after looking at it. Damn it, he instantly hoped he hadn’t hurt himself even more during this nasty story.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry,” Roger said as shortly as he could, raising his hands to make it clear he wasn’t gonna do anything. “I just needed to talk to you… about..”

But he couldn’t finish what he had to say. In fact, everything he wanted to say was blown away within a second. For Carmen rushed forward and within only the blink of an eye hugged him tightly and didn’t appear to let go of him.

Roger was so taken aback, he didn’t know how to react. He carefully wrapped his arms around the younger man as though he was breakable whenever he touched him too hard.

“Hey,” he said without knowing what else to say. “It's ok.”

“I’m sorry,” he head the muffled voice of Carmen pressing his face into his shirt. “I’m sorry about what I’ve said…”

Roger held his breath. He didn’t quite know what to say. And he surely didn’t expect this in the slightest. This was so unlike the Carmen he had experienced up until now. Just like someone or something had forced him to turn around and overthink everything that had happened. Or was it maybe that he had judged him wrong? That he simply had taken his suspicion the wrong way all the time? One thing was certain though. He'd never felt more sympathy towards him than right now.

“I’ve ruined this, haven’t I?” Roger asked and for once sounded more uncertain than ever before.

Carmen looked up to him.

“By doing this to you,” he went on, looking into these eyes he loved seeing so much. “I never should have done this. I swear to God I never had planned anything. Or wanted to use you or whatever else you thought.”

Carmen shook his head though.

“I know,” he said. “It was me… overreacting.”

He the let go of Roger and stepped away a little, holding his arm once more. He even averted his eyes again.

“All these horrendous things I said…,” he started anew. “I…it just scared me… I’m sorry I exposed you like that… I know it was a mistake.”

Roger looked at him and felt more than sorry for everything right now. For himself. For Carmen. For whatever this could have been.

“It's me okay?” Carmen went on. “I’m broken and I know it. But I…I never should have… I mean…,” and he added in a whisper: “I thought you’d die…”

“What you did…,” Roger said then, staring at Carmen’s injured arm. “I never… I mean… How…?”

“He just left you there,” Carmen blurted out and Roger was surprised at his high-pitched voice he usually only used when he was in an extremely good mood. “That broken down old queen just let you lie there… He didn’t even check if something could have happened to you. He…he just left…”

“You could have hurt yourself even more,” Roger said in a very pitiful tone. Why? What exactly did he feel pity for here? Thinking about it, he must admit it was himself. The embarrassment and the blame he felt by bringing his foundling into such a situation. But then again, he was being so extremely grateful he had done that. There were simply no words to express that though.

“Oh,” Carmen looked down his arm and blushed slightly. “It's not as bad. I’ve had someone looking at it. Just a little overexertion. But nothing has set me back or anything.”

“You shouldn’t have,” Roger said hoarsely.

“And what?” Carmen looked down and for once didn’t try to hide the blush in his face. Roger noticed in surprise. “Do you think I’m someone to just walk away and leave you there? Do you really think I take everything you’ve done for me as if it was nothing?”

The last part he only whispered, not sure how Roger would take that.

How little he knew him actually. Roger never had thought about that part if he was honest. All he ever wondered was why that guy couldn’t seem to trust him. But he never asked himself if he'd shown him enough to trust him too. And thinking about it, he had experienced someone’s death before. He told him… So going through this again must have indeed scared him shitless. At least if he cared only a little. So did this mean… he actually cared? About him?

And suddenly Roger felt even more miserable. He should have seen this in the first place. And he definitely shouldn’t have lost it over some accusations spoken in anger. And what had he done? He went on and had done exactly what he had accused him of…. With the worst guy possible. What kind of awful person was he, he wondered.

“Listen…erm… about…about that guy,” he looked away. He didn’t feel strong enough suddenly to look at him.

“It's alright,” Carmen replied silently.

“What?” Roger turned again.

“You needed a connection,” Carmen continued. “You told me… and…and I did believe you… I lied saying I didn’t… so what…you needed to feel close to someone after weeks….”

Roger didn’t know if he imagined the sudden sadness in his voice.

“I shouldn’t have,” He replied then. “It was a mistake…a horrible one.”

But the young man shook his head again, before looking up to him.

“It's your choice. I won’t judge…”

“I’m sorry,” Roger said.

Funny… why did he feel the need to apologize? He never did. For nobody. Not for those meaningless hook-ups anyway. But there was this nagging feeling that there weren’t enough apologies in the world to make up for this… he couldn’t explain it.

“It's fine,” Carmen said sincerely. “Just… just take someone who’s worth it the next time… not a piece of dirt like that.”

This time it was Roger who stepped closer first and flung his arms around the surprised guy. He pressed his cheek to his and for once noticed how familiar and good the smell of his hair felt to him.

“I didn’t mean anything,” he whispered. “Not that pig… not what I’ve done…not what I’ve said.”

“I know,” he heard him whispering back.

“How could you know?”

Carmen gently pushed him away again and looked straight into his eyes. The suddenly he smiled at him in a warm and almost loving way, Roger hadn’t seen ln him before.

“Because it wasn’t him you longed for when you were at your lowest!”

________________

 

When they entered the townhouse that evening, smiling and joking with each other, the others looked a little like they were in the wrong movie for once. No sign of them having almost killed each other a few days before. No sign of them being suspicious or moody around each other. If they hadn’t known better they’d say the two of them have been friends for years and never had managed to convince anyone otherwise.

It was so surprising, nobody dared to say anything. Not even Shirley had screamed at Roger once. Nobody really managed the even mention the topic again.

When they sat in the kitchen that evening, it felt like it had been like this for years. To every single one of them. No strangers in the house or moody guests they had to be careful to tiptoe around. No, this was like a family. Like they had never been differently.

They laughed a lot.

Kevin would tell little anecdotes from former productions and Kevin would comment them every now and then, bitching about people they were making of for years. Scott would show highlights of dance numbers to Carmen, who had never seen them before. And he laughed so hard, it was intoxicating to everyone else. He even dared to let go of that suppressed self he usually showed and went into a very flamboyant behavior for the first time really. It caused them to notice it in surprise, but they immediately felt like this was the real him for once. Shirley would act as though she couldn’t stand another sassy guy in the house, but Scott simply remarked how much she loved all of them. The result was a fight between the two of them the others watched in pure amusement.

And Roger sat next to Carmen later that evening on the couch and from time to time put his arm around him. When the two of them talked it was plain to see nothing else existed that moment. Not even their roommates. They just had their way of looking at each other a little too deeply. And whenever that would happen, Scott simply looked at the others with a smirk on his face, raising one eyebrow. All of the nodded then in agreement and tried their best to suppress a smile, before changing the topic.

Whatever he had meant for them to understand a few days prior, they surely saw now…

 

 

~ to be continued ~

Chapter 9: What you always knew

Chapter Text

He stood in front of the mirror, well aware of the face staring back at him.

He’s been doing this a lot lately. Always wondering what to do… How to tell?

Carmen lifted his head slightly and turned a little to the left, so he could see his right shoulder better. He moved his arm up and down and moved his hand. Faster and then slower again. He lifted his shoulder just to let it fall again. His hand was hanging next to his body now and he playfully let his fingers dance , just as though he was playing a piano without anything being there. He stared into space though…

Then he sighed and looked up, his face serious.

He stared into his own face; these dark eyes glaring back at him without telling him anything.

He lifted his hand to look at it. After a moment he formed a fist, clenching his teeth and closing his eyes. He leaned his forehead to the mirror and took a deep breath.

“Damn it,” he thought.

He'd been dreading this moment secretly. And even though he hadn’t let it shine through, he had been feeling it. His shoulder had healed… it worked perfectly without any pain left. It had been for about a week now and he hadn’t had the guts to say a word.

Why? He couldn’t explain himself. It had been part of the deal. Once his injuries were gone and he had fully recovered, he would leave. And God knows he’d wanted to. He'd wished for nothing more when he came here months ago…

So why the hell did he feel so bad about it now? So much, he hid it for a week now? He knew he should be happy about it. But he kept checking it up whenever all the others weren’t around, hoping secretly some kind of aftermath would show. Something to give him a clue not everything was fine at all. But there was nothing.

He had to face it. It was okay. He would have to go soon. And what the heck? He knew this day would come. So why was it so hard to do now? Each morning he woke up, thinking this wasn’t so bad at all. He would start somewhere anew. They’d helped after all. He even had earned some money working for Roger, it would be easier now. But then he heard them downstairs and some strange kind of sadness came over him each time. And he knew it. It was because of them. He had grown to like all of them so much, it was hard to imagine saying goodbye to them. More than hard actually. Impossible!

“DARLING?” he heard Roger calling from downstairs.

“YESSSS, I'M COMING!” he yelled back, being ripped out of his constant brooding.

Quickly he grabbed the bandage for his shoulder and wrapped his arm into it. He flung the sling over his head and placed his arm inside, just like he had done it for the past months. It had become second nature by now so sometimes he even felt better knowing he couldn’t use his right arm than without it.

He pulled a black shirt over his head. One quick look in the mirror – yup, that would work – and he ran out of the door of the huge room and almost flew down the stairs. His steps were light and sometimes he would skip a step or two, but always had a way of landing kind of elegantly again.

He knew they would watch him from the foot of the stairs. They always did. He also knew they were comparing it to dancing all the time and yes, he exaggerated it on purpose sometimes. He didn’t really want to admit it but he loved seeing Shirley rolling her eyes about another “one of those guys" in the house. Or even Scott's grin. Or Brian’s and Kevin’s amused laugh whenever they saw. And it felt good. Natural in a way. More like he was finally able to free himself from everything that had held him tied over the past years. Just like a huge burden had been taken from him the very moment he dared to take that little step further and trust them.

So, he almost slid down the stairs that morning too, when he heard Shirley’s voice complaining.

“Black? Why do you have to wear this always all of a sudden?”

He gasped slightly and for a split second didn’t watch his step. He slipped and missed a step and wasn’t quick enough to hold himself somewhere. His body tilted forwards and he could only close his eyes quickly, expecting a collision with the cold marble floor any second.

Against all expectations he heard some turmoil among the others, but then landed rather softly on a soft ground.

For a second it was completely silent around him. So very slowly he dared to open his squinted eyes; one after the other, but didn’t dare to move yet.

He saw Brian and Kevin staring at him with the sidestep eyes ever. They looked like all their blood had left their faces for that one short moment.

“You okay?” he heard Roger in the softest voice he could probably accomplish and looked up.

He was lying on top of Roger, who was spread out all over the entrance floor and had him safely wrapped in both his arms. He must have jumped to prevent him from falling. And now he was smiling warmly at him, stroking a strand of hair out of Carmen's face.

He blushed immediately.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he replied silently.

“What were you thinking?” he heard Shirley squeal in a higher voice than she usually used. Probably because her shock was real. “You could have killed yourself!”

“Nothing happened,” Carmen grinned, closing his eyes and letting his head drop on to Roger’s chest.

“Don’t take this so lightly,” Scott jumped in. ”You really could have broken something!”

“Seriously, I am peachy,” Carmen giggled.

“Not you,” Scott grinned at him. “You’re like a bouncy ball and young… Your body can do that. I’m worrying about the old mummy underneath you!”

“I’ve never been better,” Roger grinned.

Carmen turned his head in astonishment and looked directly into Roger’s face, who didn’t look less surprised. They’ve stared a second at each other without anyone moving. Until both of them couldn’t hold back and suddenly started to laugh uncontrollably.

“I really don’t see why this is funny,” Shirley complained, crossing her arms.

“She’s right, you know,” Roger said softly, finally breathing in again. “Maybe we really should get going.”

“Great idea, but…,” Carmen started.

“But what?” Roger stopped dead. Had he actually hurt himself despite saying otherwise?

“But Darling,” Carmen imitated Roger’s way of addressing him all the time plain obviously. “You’re sort of hugging me still… like in front of all the others…! I would get up, if you let me.”

It was then Roger realized he was still holding on to him tightly. He gasped slightly and within the blink of an eye pulled his hands back and let go of him. Carmen jumped to his feet, while Scott lend his roommate a helping hand and lifted him up again.

Roger playfully raised one eyebrow at him and couldn't wipe that grin off his face, but Scott only shook his head.

“You should be more responsible,” Shirley lectured while Brian opened the door, shaking his head. “This could really break your necks some day…oh, the recklessness. These two!! Just tie them up somewhere and throw away the key, so we don’t have to deal with two grown up babies anymore…”

All of them went outside. Carmen wiped off some dirt from his shirt and went to move after them, but in the doorframe Roger held him back by softly putting his hand on his shoulder.

“You sure everything's right?” He smiled.

Carmen broke into a wide grin as well. “Nothing happened, really! I just slipped!”

“Your arm?”

He tried to remember it was supposed to hurt still and made a mental note not to forget to act alike. It embarrassed him a little still but he felt he simply must play this. At least a little bit longer. For looking at Roger, he felt a painful know in his stomach again. So he just shrugged, happily shaking his head.

Roger smirked and then turned to leave after them.

“Hey,” Carmen almost whispered, causing him to turn one more time. “Thank you.”

He gently out his hand into Carmen’s neck and pulled the young man little closer until their foreheads touched. All he did was giving him a fond little nudge on the head then and they went after the others.

______________________

Carmen stared outside of the cab window on their way to the theatre.

The city flew by and was touched in a golden light. People were passing the streets in summery outfits; laughing or hurrying to their destinations. They probably were enjoying these warm summer days as well. And how could they not? The sky was crystal blue and the sun made the huge buildings of the city look like canyons which cast their enormous shadows down on the people who were like ants in between. Insignificant and small…

Carmen took a breath.

He'd be out there too, if none of this would have happened. Maybe he would have met someone else. Who knows? Maybe he would indeed have been living out there somewhere, if he hadn’t bumped into Roger that day. Or maybe he would have died… He smiled thinking about this. He had longed for a relief like that back then. Something to just make it stop. How impossible to imagine was that now? So surreal. And so far away somehow. It felt as though a whole lifetime had passed since that day.

Without really noticing it, he held his arms tightly.

“You’re so quiet today,” he heard a voice next to him, which shook him awake. Roger was smiling at him, leaning his head to his hand which he had put over the backrest of the seat and smiling warmly.

Immediately, Carmen felt his mouth form a smile as well. He'd been watching him again…

“I’m just …a little tired, that’s all,” he blushed, trying to shake away these thoughts which grew more prominent over the course of the past week.

“Does it hurt?” Roger then asked.

Carmen gave him a questioning glance, not quite getting what he meant. But then Roger nodded at his arm. Following his direction Carmen noticed himself holding on to his own arm. Quickly he shook his hand away, looking the other way.

“You shouldn’t act like that,” Roger spoke again. “If it hurts, just take it easy today!”

Again, Carmen turned to him and grinned.

“Yes Mom.”

Roger jeered pretty amused and looked down at the notes on his lap, reading through them again. Carmen smiled seeing it and then turned to look outside for the remains of the ride.

Seeing this made him feel worse. On one hand it wasn’t bad Roger obviously believed he was hurting still. On the other hand it just wasn’t true. And he didn’t really wanna lie. Not to him…

“You’ve been lying the whole time,” the voice in his head told him. Yes, he knew that. Of course. But now it meant he had to take the step and tell them. Which meant the deal was fulfilled. Which in turn meant there was nothing linking them anymore and he would have to leave.

He heard Roger next to him talk to the driver.

And he seriously wondered why this was so hard to do all of a sudden. It wasn’t just the house and the people in there he had grown to like a lot. No, it was him. A lot. Carmen didn’t even know where to start telling Roger the truth. It felt like an ending.

But he just couldn’t grasp what of…

______________________

“Not now, okay?”

“We've gotta talk about this some time!”

Scott was literally chasing him. Wherever he would go or stand it sit, one of them would show up. They were trying for days now. But Roger somehow refused to talk. He didn’t even want to think about what they wanted do say. Yet he knew, he had to at some point.

“Roger, you said you wanted to help him, didn’t you?” Scott said, walking close behind him as they passed the stage and moved backstage behind the black curtains out of sight from all of the people might eavesdropping on them. Roger didn’t slow though and he didn’t even think about stopping. He carried his notes and headed straight for the little room he usually locked himself up into to brood over ideas and notes he’d taken.

“I think I am for months, am I not?” he replied, slightly annoyed.

“So then, finish what you have begun and look at these,” Scott waved with some papers he’s been carrying around after Shirley tried to speak with him. And Brian before that and Kevin this morning after breakfast.

“I really don’t have time for this now,” Roger answered without looking at them.

“Yes and you also won’t have time this evening or tomorrow or whenever!”

He jeered once and cast his roommate an irritated look over his shoulder.

“Hey!” Scott grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him gently into a corner behind the stage. They could still hear the rehearsals moving on and Kevin’s voice trying to get the actors down from stage who still hadn’t had their fittings yet.

When he felt the cold stone of a wall behind him, Scott’s pressure stopped. He stepped closer to him and lowered his voice.

“We've tried our best to look up places to stay for him,” he pointed at the papers in his hands. “But you need to help here. Without your influence nothing will happen and you know that.”

“Can't we discuss this after the show?” Roger tried to deflect. A bad one, he knew that. Production was almost over and from this point on they wouldn’t have too much to do anymore.

“You know how hard it can get to find somewhere to stay,” Scott shook is head. “And you also know he wants to leave…”

“I know that…,” Roger avoided his eyes. “But..”

“But what?” Scott's voice suddenly went from demanding to caring again and he stepped back a little so he wouldn’t set him under pressure too much. He always had had a way of acting exactly the way people needed it. A fact Roger appreciated a lot about him.

He turned his head and spied through a small gap between the wall and the curtain. They could see a bit of the stage from there. A little apart stood Shirley on a ladder, fixing some kind of cables. Brian stood next to it, holding one foot to the end of the stairs to weigh it down. But he was bending to his left a little whispering to Carmen, who looked down and held his hand in front of his mouth to suppress a very obvious laugh. They probably were making fun of her and didn’t want her to hear it. Who could blame them though? Her anger was something no one wanted on them, but still it was fun to tickle it a bit sometimes.

Roger smirked slightly. Carmen looked so carefree there. He started to wear a black shirt every now and then, which he had found on a flea market some days ago. And even though Shirley lectured him about it all the time, because only stagehands wore black, he seemed much more himself in it. He moved differently and smiled a lot more. And Roger loved to see him smile. Him laughing had a way of lifting his mood up every time.

Scott watched him closely though, following his gaze. Then he sighed.

“Rog, what is this about really?” he asked then softly.

“I…just…,” Roger sighed, shaking his head and closing his eyes.

“You know,” Scott looked at him sincerely, letting his hands fall. “You can also ask him to stay…”

“What? Why would I do such a thing?” Roger tried hard to sound surprised. “You know the deal.”

“Yes, I do,” Scott nodded. “But I’m not so sure you still do.”

“How could I forget,” Roger answered silently and suddenly the smile on his face was wiped away by that subliminal heaviness again. He didn’t dare to look at Scott though.

“Hey, seriously,” There! The little tenderness in his voice. It was pity now! He didn’t like that tone at all.

Scott pulled the curtain slowly away a bit more, so both of them could easily see their roommates down there.

“Look how much better he looks now,” Scott said with so much affection in his voice, Roger couldn’t even pretend not to agree. “He has changed so much. Health-wise for certain. And emotionally. Just think about how he was in the beginning. I know he’s become a huge part with all of us. But you gotta stick to your word here. He needs a new start… But who says he can’t have it here too?”

Roger sighed. “You know how much he wants to leave…”

“Yes, but I also know the way you look at him.”

Roger’s eyes widened and he whirled around only to find Scott smiling broadly and raising his eyebrows knowingly.

“I know you,” he continued, crossing his arms. “So enough of keeping this a secret from me. I can watch right through you.”

Roger gave a short unbelieving laugh.

“You know we all would be delighted if he stayed,” Scott said. “Shirley is crazy about the boy, even though she acts differently. Kevin can’t even remember when he wasn’t with us and Brian has finally someone who gets his strange humor. We all think he would fit in. And I see him change you in ways I never thought possible anymore. How much more reasons would we need then? But it has to be you asking him.”

Roger looked at him like a beaten dog for a second. Then he inhaled deeply and straightened up.

“I know you hate this” Scott went on, pressing the sheets of paper he was carrying into Roger’s hand. “But it’s either asking him or deciding something… You can’t prolong this much more. His injuries will be gone soon and if you don’t do something…”

“He wants to go,” Roger answered sadly. “He never implied otherwise.”

Scott stepped forward, pulling the curtain away a little more.

Carmen and Brian were lying in the seats of the first row now, guffawing while Shirley stood in front of them with her hands stemmed to her hips, screaming something unintelligible at the two of them. She must have heard them nonetheless.

“You think?” Scott raised one eyebrow at Roger and patted his shoulder once. Then he whispered into his ear: “Ask him or ask yourself forever what if…”

Then he turned and left to go back to work, leaving Roger standing behind that curtain a little longer. He looked down at the papers in his hands. It was time… he knew it. And yet he could hardly ignore the pain that shot through his chest the moment this thought entered his head.

________________________

When they arrived home this evening, Carmen went upstairs straight away. He had some time still until Shirley would sentence them all to dinner. She had threatened Carmen and Brian to only get a slice of bread for today’s mocking, but she insisted on them being together for that anyway.

Carmen smirked thinking about her angry. She probably would stick to it at first and then inconspicuously shove them huge plates of everything she’d prepared anyway. There was no way she would live on with the knowledge of having starved her family members to death, no matter how irritated she was.

He climbed up the stairs and as soon as he entered the room, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He took a deep breath. She had been really angry that day. They hadn’t meant to upset her, but she was being just so hilarious in a very unintentional way. Maybe he should just apologize in a quiet moment. He knew perfectly well she wouldn't take it to seriously.

He sighed. And then broke into a broad smile again.

He really liked them. All of them. Each one had their own trades and little edges that made them so amazingly funny. He often thought about the first days here and couldn’t really grasp why he had mistrusted them so much. They emanated a warmth he hadn’t been used to, but he should have known they didn’t mean any harm.

He moved through the room and silently looked around. The times he hid in here grew to be more and more each day.

“Silly of you,” he thought. “After all, you should spend the time that's still left with them.”

He knew. Yet he felt his own thoughts overtook him more and more and he felt the desperate urge to hide it from them. For how on earth should he explain what was going on inside him if they ever noticed? And even if they didn’t, Roger probably would. He had a way of seeing through him, which was scary sometimes.

When he passed the huge mirror in the corner of the room, he stopped abruptly.

As his head shot up, he saw his own reflection looking back at him.

Carmen’s face changed and he simply stared at this stranger gloomily. This was such a lie in a way.

“Just look at the way you look now,” reason said.

And yes, his appearance had changed. A lot. He wasn’t who he used to be. Not anymore. In a way he looked more trimmed, more grown up, more flamboyant… more everything. All his life he had dressed in some kind of gray only to escape the pressure of being recognized too much. Everything he’d ever done had been to blend in. With being out of the spotlight. But now… he was dressed in black, with his hair styled to point in every possible direction and a soft black eyeliner to emphasize his dark eyes. Kevin had tried it on him the other day to see if he could use it in combination with some costumes designs he had in mind and somehow he had liked and therefore kept it. He even walked differently now. His whole posture was more out coming than it had been and he couldn’t find a single clue of the hurt, insecure and suspicious child which had been controlling him for an eternity, still living inside him.

Yet on the other hand he knew it was still there. It wasn’t as obvious but he felt that weird fear crawling up in him again lately. That’s exactly why he needed to hide away from time to time.

He eyed his different clone in the mirror again.

He sure liked what he saw. Being totally honest, he'd never felt more himself than this.

But then again there was this huge doubt each time he tried to let it shine through that this was him…the way he had always wanted to be.

“You will get into trouble being like this,” experience screamed at him.

“Nobody will even recognize me,” he tried to argue with himself.

“You’ll get them into trouble,” his fear whispered.

Carmen's face darkened as he stared into space. He didn’t even recognize his reflection imitating him right away.

That’s what he feared. That’s what he knew could happen… when he counted it down to just one point, this was it. They had been nothing but kind to him. They had done more than anyone else had ever done, despite him having been the most spoiled, angry and distrusting stranger ever. So what if he would do something to them? If they knew, it would end badly…

He closed his eyes for a moment and then grabbed one of the huge blankets lying over an armchair nearby, covering the mirror carefully. Clone Carmen didn’t argue. Didn’t scream. He just did as he was doing. And Carmen just couldn’t stand to look at him. He wanted to feel like this imitation. But he didn’t want to think of him being gone in a few days. He didn’t wanna think about him being the cause of something bad happening. And especially he didn’t wanna think about him vanishing again.

He looked up to the sky through the huge windows.

The night had already set and covered the city in a dark blueish black. He somehow had always felt a little more secure during nighttime. Maybe it was this old defensive reflex to hide. But now all of this was confusing. He didn’t see a point in hiding anymore. Not here. Not among them…

“But you will leave,” he whispered to himself. “You’ll leave. Leave. Leave…. And you won’t see them again. So why the doubts now? That’s what you wanted after all…that was the deal!”

Opening his eyes again, he added a little louder: “I just gotta get my feet on the ground again!”

And thus he turned and marched towards the door.

Almost flying down the stairs he managed to sneak past the roommates unseen and vanished through the living room door. He made his way straight to the huge balcony door and when he opened it, maybe a little to forcefully, the warm summer night immediately changed his perception a bit.

He slowed down much more stepping outside and feeling the soft breeze of the night in his face.

The night had something magical about it. Or maybe it was the city. The many sounds which seemed so far away now and the thousand lights stealing the shine of the stars above them.

Carmen took a deep breath as he moved towards the balustrade. It didn’t matter. He stared up to the sky again when he leaned against it. Even if the stars were there, he loved the glare of the city lights too much to really miss them.

He jeered slightly, closing his eyes and just feeling the night all around him.

This was pitiful. He was such a pretender. It hadn’t been that long ago when he didn’t even want to be in the city anymore. And now he suddenly realized how much he loved it? Nobody changed his mind this quickly. Or did they? He wasn’t even certain anymore. All he could say for sure was that he felt like his whole world had turned around in a whim. Everything he was and everything he could be… They had somehow changed all that. All of them. Shirley and Kevin. Scott and Brian…. And Roger.

Carmen opened his eyes again, staring at his arm for a long time.

He remembered how many bad things he had thought about him in the beginning. How much he had accused him of manipulating all of them into being there with him. And especially how much he never wanted to fall for this little trick too. But now he had to admit, Roger had managed it. Just in another way than what he had expected….

“You okay?”

Carmen whirled around. He hadn’t expected a voice interrupting his thoughts and felt his heart jump in surprise. Not just his heart for that matter. He himself made a little hop and grabbed the balustrade to not fall over.

It was Roger standing some feet away from him, looking a little concerned but probably more about the fact he had just scared him that much.

“I’m sorry,” he giggled then and Carmen couldn’t help but smile. Damn it…

He took a deep breath and tried to calm his heartbeat again as Roger slowly came a little closer, leaning to the balustrade also but keeping a few feet distance to him.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said softly. “You were so deep in thoughts, you didn’t hear me.”

“I sure haven’t,” Carmen laughed, raising his eyebrow at him. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long,” Roger winked at him. “I was just wondering why you’d be out here in the dark…”

Carmen turned around, taking almost the same posture as Roger and stared straight ahead, not answering.

“Want me to leave you alone?” Roger asked after a while, but Carmen only shook his head.

“No, it's fine,” he smirked. “I’m just...thinking…”

“Wanna share?” Roger asked and approximated him a little more with a mischievous grin on his face.

Carmen observed this and had to suppress a smile. Funny. He would have run a few months ago. But now, this was familiar and somehow… good. He waited a little until Roger was really close to him and for a moment both of them just stared straight ahead.

“I always thought I liked light more than this darkness,” Roger said after a while.

Carmen turned his head to him, raising an eyebrow. “So?”

“It has something gloomy, don’t you think?” he smiled.

“I like it somehow,” Carmen shrugged, avoiding his eyes. “The city is bright enough. It's a little like having a private moment for yourself whenever it gets dark.”

“Oh, I see.”

“You do?”

Roger nodded, not looking at him.

“It's that little complex of yours again,” he grinned.

“The….what?” Carmen winced a little appalled.

“You know,” Roger turned his head and winked once more at him. “You tend to hide away… whenever your little doubts start to reappear.”

Carmen stared at him with wide eyes.

“Erm… I mean…I’m guessing,” the older guy quickly added.

Carmen blinked once but then burst into uncontrollably laughter, which Roger gladly joined.

“Not true?” he asked then.

“Unfortunately it is,” Carmen wiped away some tears form his eyes.

“Oh?”

Carmen stroked through his hair, looking down again. “I… I keep thinking too much…”

“I’ve noticed,” Roger answered, sounding more sincere suddenly. “You know, I had sincerely hoped we could have given you a surrounding that keeps you from doing it so much.”

“You wanted me to stop thinking?”

“I wanted you to stop worrying,” Roger spoke. “Because you are so much more yourself when you don’t wreck your brain about things you don't discuss.”

Bulls-eye! However he always managed this Carmen didn’t know. But he couldn’t exactly hide his surprise either. It was as though his every thought was written down his forehead and Roger only needed to read it. As if he was an open book, written in huge letters so the blind guy in the last row would still be able to perform a spell check.

“There's a lot going on still,” he silently answered and blushed once more. “Old demons…new ones…”

“It is understandable,” Roger interrupted him.

“It is?”

He nodded. “I can’t even imagine what you've been through… And I am certain it would leave anyone with some scars, even though they might not be visible at first. But maybe you can try and see it this way: When we met you were so much someone else. A shy young man who would have loved to kill me if you had been able to move.”

Carmen felt his face getting hotter right away and turned his head a little embarrassed.

“But now, look at you. You’ve outgrown that. You’ve got another personality, a job and people who care. And if you asked them,” he pointed behind his back to the house. “You’ve got people caring. Don’t tell them but I seriously believe Shirley would sing lullabies for you each night if she could.”

Carmen started to laugh imagining this. Somehow the picture of her in a nightgown with tons of curlers and bad make up had stolen into his head. Roger seemed to sense even this and joined in.

But he also used the chance to minimize the distance between them as well. He gently put his hand on Carmen’s back while they stood there and softly stroked it.

“So you see, there’s no need for darkness,” he reached for his pockets and pulled out a small white candle.

“What’s that?” Carmen asked jokingly. “Always carrying a candle with you in case you’ll fall into a hole in the ground and need to wade through the underground for weeks without sunlight?”

“Nope,” Roger grinned while lighting it up. He put it in front of them on the balustrade and put one arm around Carmen, who didn’t move a bit.

Its shine immediately cast a soft shimmer on their faces and its orange light made the night suddenly seem warm and inviting.

Both of them stared into the flame for what seemed like an eternity, smiling. Carmen felt Roger’s hand around him and knew is face was getting hot but still he couldn’t help but smile. He even leaned his head to Roger’s shoulder slowly and kind of had to grin when he didn’t pull away. None of them said anything for a long while but still he felt his worries melting away in a strange way. He kept thinking about what Roger had just said though. If they really cared that much, maybe they’d actually miss him. Maybe they hated the thought of him going away. Maybe even as much as he hated it…

“You know,” he heard Roger speak again and looked up to him. He smiled. “After being in the dark for so long…”

He took his chin with one hand while his thumb softly stroked over Carmen’s lips. Their eyes met.

“It's good to see your eyes shining again,” Roger smiled warmly.

Then he pressed his forehead to the younger man’s while his hand wandered to his head and he stroked his cheek tenderly. Carmen lowered his gaze though and inhaled sharply.

He was being so close now… He wanted to scream. To run. To tell him what exactly he feared here…but it just wouldn’t work. He could feel his knees turning weak and his heart beginning to race.

“You mean the candle light?” he managed to ask while trying to fixate on the ground, still feeling the touch on his forehead.

They stood so close together now. Their bodies were touching and he had his hands on Roger’s chest, his fingers merely moving on the silky fabric. And all of a sudden Carmen felt so light. And a hitherto unknown wave of deep inner happiness crawled up inside of him. A sense of why this was feeling so good. It only enhanced his heartbeat though. They’ve never been like this. Never before…

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Roger said and gently pushed his head up, so he would look at him.

Carmen’s eyes were wide open. And for once he didn’t care if Roger noticed the blush. Or the goosebumps on his arms. He didn’t even care if he could feel his heartbeat or notice his body starting to tremble. All he cared about was him. Right now. Being so close. Feeling his warmth. His breath. Looking into his eyes so deeply… And the way his stomach flipped as Roger came slowly closer…

And he noticed very clearly and maybe for the first time that it was Roger he'd miss more than anything. More than the house. More than their security or their laughs. More than Kevin, Brian, Shirley or Scott…

So he sighed and lowered his head just enough for Roger to stop where he was.

“When..,” Carmen started silently, biting his lips once before looking away. “When I leave…”

Roger looked up and somehow looked surprised. Or maybe he was imagining it.

So Carmen gently pushed him a little further away from himself again with his hands still on his chest. He tried his best to smile, even though he suddenly didn’t feel like it at all. On the contrary he had to work pretty hard not to let that overwhelming sadness shine through right now.

“When I leave I want you to know I owe you a lot,” he only whispered.

Roger stepped back a little more, still not taking his eyes away. The confusion was written in them so clearly though.

“But hey,” Carmen took a deep breath and tried to swallow his tears away when he looked up to him again with a broad smile. “You’ll finally be able to move out of that closet again. I’ve occupied your bedroom a long time now.”

And for a slight moment Roger looked even shocked, but then shook his head; exhaling too. His face changed to the warm soft smile again as he looked at his young guest once more.

“I don’t mind, you know,” he shrugged and sounded almost as quiet as Carmen did seconds ago. “But you must be aware I’ll never see it that way. You’re not owing me anything.”

He reached out and stroked Carmen's cheek once more before letting his hand fall.

“It'll be soon,” Carmen whispered back. He wasn’t sure if that sounded convincing, but he didn’t know how to tell him. He knew his hand was wandering to his bandaged arm again. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the older man in front of him, wanting to catch every reaction. But nothing, really nothing ever had been so hard to do.

Roger nodded once though. “I know.”

Carmen was still sorting the sentences in his head, but before he could even say anything, Roger moved even farther away from him and waved back inside over his shoulder.

“We should go, don’t you think?” he suddenly spoke in his normal voice again, smiling his brightest smile once more and winking at him. “We have a little surprise for you.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Carmen smiled back at him and remained where he was as he watched Roger turn and, with his hands vanishing in his pockets, went back inside.

Carmen inhaled deeply while his eyes grew to a new dimension. He felt himself stumbling backwards a bit and if the balustrade hadn’t been there to hold his body, he surely would have fallen. His legs didn’t feel like they were able to carry him anyway right now. He shivered. And fixated the ground for a little eternity with his eyes still wide open.

This was bad. Very bad. He knew this feeling. He knew what this meant… and all of a sudden he understood what his body was so desperately trying to tell him all that time…

“Shit…,” he whispered to himself as he wiped over his face with his hands.

A little breeze blew through the backyard and without any further words extinguished the little flame of the candle, covering Carmen into darkness again…

_____________________

“You want me to… what?” he didn’t think he heard them right.

They stood around d the kitchen table, all looking at him in a very expectant way. They seemed a lot more excited than Carmen was though.

“Oh, it’ll be a blast,” Brian patted his back, but did it maybe a bit too hard, so Carmen almost fell on the table. “You won’t believe how much fun this can be.”

“But I…. I’ve never been to an opening night,” he answered, turning to look at Brian, rubbing his neck.

“We know,” he answered, winking at him. “That’s why we want you there. You’re part of this after all.”

“But…”

“Darling, this is an amazing event,” Kevin jumped in. “You wouldn’t believe how many people you get to know there.”

“And you can feast the whole evening,” Shirley grinned.

“I…well, didn’t really do much,” Carmen stuttered, looking from one to the other. “And I have never…”

“You will be fine,” Scott spoke with a smile on is face. You’re part of this team now. And you’ve done as much as any of us, so you really deserve to come along.”

“For heaven’s sake, don’t you realize the crowd of people is what makes him uncomfortable?”

They turned their heads to Roger, who stood leaned in the doorframe, holding his hands crossed in front of him and looking down.

Carmen straightened up and lifted his mouth to a slight smirk.

“Oh, we..erm…we sure didn’t think of that,” Brian answered, rubbing his neck now too. All of them suddenly looked slightly embarrassed.

“Darling, if that’s what the problem is,” Shirley said then, touching Carmen’s shoulder. “We can understand. We just thought it'd be something you’d like to experience.”

“Cause it's exciting,” Kevin grinned, raising his finger. But he couldn’t express any more of that excitement, for he was hit hard by a spatula the very next moment.

“Ow!” he rubbed his arm.

“Serves you right,” Shirley gave him an angry look. “Trying to force him.”

“If I remember right, you tried a few seconds ago as well,” Kevin stemmed against her furiously.

Carmen had to laugh seeing it. He held his hand in front of his mouth and giggled slightly, not noticing that Roger came closer to him, his eyes on the two brawlers too.

“Always the same,” he said quietly in his direction.

“Yes, but would you want them any other way?” Carmen asked back, smiling at him.

Roger laughed and shook his head, still fixating them.

“But you know,” he said then. “You really should think about it. You’re a main part of this and it would be too bad if you weren’t there.”

“I know,” Carmen sighed and somehow his laugh vanished. “I’m just not sure…”

“Yeah,” Roger nodded. “No one is forcing you. But maybe you could do it…you know…for me.”

Carmen’s head shot up to him and Roger immediately lowered his head. To his great amusement, he saw him slightly embarrassed. But about what? The question? The request? The hidden meaning, that he wanted to have him there?

Somehow, Carmen found this curiously funny. He was being so much more subtle now., even though he articulated more what he meant or wanted than in the beginning. But it was charming in a way… nigh cute… So he smiled at him brightly.

Scooting over a little, he then nudged the older man with his shoulder gently until he looked at him in surprise.

“I guess…if it's for you,” Carmen said, leaning in a bit. “I can’t say no, can I?”

Roger broke into a smile as well and straightened up. It seemed quieter a while that they stood there just staring into each others eyes until they heard the voices of the others again.

“That’s amazing news!”

They turned to see them standing in a half- circle around them, watching them with eagles eyes, but seemed pleasantly satisfied. Carmen and Roger blushed in an instance. This was somewhat like getting caught…. But it wasn’t.

“Oh it's gonna be fantastic,” Brian cheered. “We can gossip about them afterwards.”

“We can dress you elegantly,” Kevin hoped up and down. “This is the best part about it.”

“But no,” Shirley squeaked then and pointed her spatula at Carmen, who backed away as good as he could. “No more just black.”

“I like it,” Carmen grinned at her, shrugging once.

“But Darling,” she pouted, taking her weapon away. “You’re such a gem… all that black. As if you were at a funeral!”

“Maybe we can get him a proper suit,” Roger grinned at her and immediately heard Kevin gasp in excitement.

“And a bow tie?”

All of them started to laugh by hi enthusiasm and even Carmen couldn’t hold back.

He cursed his fears. But actually, what should happen? They took him almost everywhere anyway and nobody ever got suspicious in any way. Chances were nobody noticed him there too. And being quite honest, he loved being around them way too much to stay behind. Seeing them so cheerful and excited proved him right that very moment.

“Well, it's settled then. The rest we can decide tomorrow then,” Scott looked at the clock in the hallway. “I’m gonna turn in I guess…”

“Since when are you the one dragging evenings to end?” Kevin asked a little taken aback.

“Since I know you’re gonna be all for a shopping day tomorrow and this stuff gets exhausting,” Scott answered dryly, causing them to laugh once more.

They agreed though. And it didn’t take too long for them to be on their ways upstairs.

Roger watched them from the foot of the stairs with a smile. They were chatting and laughing still while making their ways to their bedrooms. But even then, he shortly caught sight of Carmen, who turned to him just before closing the door to the huge white room and smiled widely. Roger loved this little moment every evening.

“So…”

He whirled around.

Scott was still standing next to him, grinning knowingly.

“Jesus, Scott,” Roger grabbed his chest. “I swear…”

“Yes yes yes,” Scott laughed. “You won’t anyway.”

“Don’t be so sure about that.”

“It's been long since you were so distracted you didn’t even notice someone standing next to you,” he raised his eyebrows. “And I daresay it happens a lot lately.”

“Will you stop that?” Roger turned to leave now. “It will go away… believe me.”

“Did you ask him yet?”

Roger stopped and sighed, closing his eyes.

“No…”

“Why not?”

“No need to,” Roger took a deep breath and turned to Scott with a sincere look in his eyes. “He wants to leave…and he will…”

________________________

An opening night.

This was new. And exciting in a way. But also it made him a little nervous if he was being honest. After all it meant new people. New situations and a whole different atmosphere than what he had experienced so far. Plus the tiny little spark of not knowing who might have been there mixed with not doing too well in crowds.

Carmen proved some stamina though. As the newest member of the famous Roger Debris-team he was surrounded by people within the first few minutes of arriving there and even after the first initial shock, he managed to talk to quite a lot of them. They all seemed rich and at parties like that a lot. And all of them had only a very superficial interest in him, but still there was some.

Every now and then he would look at one of the others in desperate need of help, but since they wouldn’t let him out of sight, usually one of them would jump by his side and help him out each time. And once more he knew, why he was grateful for them.

The room was stunning though. A huge antique looking ballroom with dark wooden carvings and huge statues made of wood on the ceiling and around the doors and windows. The walls were hung with long crème colored silk fabric and heavy big curtains would decorate the windows. They waved slightly in the evening wind coming from outside and since they opened them to make way to the castle-like terrace outside and the gardens, it looked more like someone royal lived here. Everything was decorated with fairy lights and small trees made of paper, which gave all this an even more noble look.

“They’re checking you out a lot,” Kevin told him incidentally.

“Who?” Carmen asked bewildered.

“Everyone,” Kevin smirked at him. “It doesn’t happen so often Roger appears here with someone.”

“And someone as good looking for that matter,” Scott added next to him, causing Carmen to blush.

“Stop it,” he said a little annoyed and pushed him aside.

“Darling, face it,” Kevin giggled. “We have created our masterpiece with your outfit tonight.”

Carmen knew he meant well, but it felt a little stiff. All of it. A bit like a costume party. He'd always felt like this when he had been much younger and had been forced to attend these kind of parties. But he knew they had done a lot.

He looked down at himself.

A noble black suit and a white shirt. All elegantly and sewed together with a shiny stripe of silk down the sleeves and the pants. On top of that a bow tie, he hated. But it had been Kevin’s wish to add something like that and he couldn’t say no. Not to them. Plus, to his relief all of them were wearing the same outfit. Including Shirley, which was hilarious in a way.

Still, he couldn’t feel too comfortable.

Especially since Roger was always away. He was speaking to a lot of people Carmen had never seen before and seemed to have the time of his life.

He witnessed him from the corner of his eyes every now and then. Usually he would chat with someone else each time and sometimes, one of their roommates would whisper the names of these strangers into his ear. He didn’t care enough to memorize them though.

After having been there for quite some hours, he managed to flee from the spectators a moment and leaned against the huge bar at the left end of the enormous room. He had to breathe if just for a moment. The others were out there dancing or flirting or whatever anyway.

Somehow he had thought this was gonna work differently.

Roger had been so keen on him coming along, but now he hadn’t spoken much with him ever since they got here. He knew this was his job. And he knew all of these people were important. But that little sadness inside him got in touch with him again while he stood there and had a moment to himself. This was o e of their final moments. Sure, they liked him. He was certain of that. But none of them had seemed very sad about the fact that this probably was it.

“Maybe I am overreacting though,” Carmen thought by himself. “This was the deal anyway…”

He stared gloomily at the bandage on his arm. He wore that sling still. Even now he hadn’t had the guts to tell them anything and only wore the jacket slung over his shoulders on his right.

“Is that this Debris?” he heard someone say and was shaken awake again.

Two older guys with white beards and monocles had entered the bar and were clearly very tipsy already.

“I guess he is,” the other laughed in that deep old man-voice, which made Carmen roll his eyes.

“Rumors about him a lot tonight,” the first one said, cheering with a glass full of champagne.

“Isn't he always the one the rumors are about?” the second, shorter one laughed. “No wonder if you think about him being so… obvious.”

Carmen gasped.

“Aren't the theatres full of fairies anyway?” they laughed. “One more or less, who cares?”

“This Debris though.. “

The taller guy rolled his eyes. “What is it this time?”

“They say he’s got a new conquest,” he continued. “And he seriously had the audacity to bring him here…as if this team wasn’t enough already.”

“So?” the shorter man jeered. “He has someone new each time. Remember that one year he went away with three of the at the same time?”

“Nothing new, if you ask me,” they laughed again. “Not for him anyway…”

Carmen swallowed hard. Well, he knew what people were thinking about them in general. But knowing Roger’s history…or parts of it…well, this wasn’t good. And in a way he had to agree. Roger was out there the whole evening. He probably wouldn’t be Roger if he didn’t flirt a bit too…

Carmen shook his head quickly though. This shouldn’t concern him. He was a gown up guy. He could do whatever he thought was best. Still that little sting remained…

“Didn’t you say he’s had someone new?” he heard them talk again.

“Yes, why?”

The chubby guy pointed into the crowd.

“Looks like he’s just becoming way too familiar with old Bialystock over there.”

Carmen’s head shot up.

Roger was standing quite far away in the middle of that crowd of partying people with a smaller, chubby looking guy with black greasy hair. They indeed looked kind of familiar, smiling at each other and being…pretty close. Roger bend down and hugged that guy even. Carmen held his breath.

“Not becoming,” the other guy jeered. “I’ve heard they had their little fling years ago… who knows whatever goes on there still.”

Suddenly Carmen felt dizzy… That guy?! That weird small slimy looking old dwarf?

He observed them a little closer. And yes, the way they spoke to each other and the way they looked at each other pointed to them having known each other quite a while. You only speak to friends like this… or…. Could these two jerks next to him be right?

This was it! He didn’t want to see this. Or hear these two old guys anymore. He hadn’t felt too comfortable here anyway, but now his mood was slowly climbing downstairs. He needed a little fresh air.

So he swung himself up from the barstool and made his way towards these huge windows; the words of these old farts still ringing in his head. He didn’t want to question anything. He didn’t want to feel suspicious again. Or jealous…. He couldn’t even grasp properly he indeed was feeling that, but still it was there. So, maybe a little night air would help here.

He didn’t get far though.

A young man got in his way. He stumbled through the crowd, looking like one of the most drunken people Carmen had ever seen. Swaying from one leg to the other, he almost circled around himself.

Carmen stopped seeing him, as well as a lot of other people around him. Boy, some people just didn’t know where to draw the line. And the people around him were laughing already.

Carmen was about to move on almost, but then something stopped him.

The face of that guy. All sweaty and almost in tears. He looked more like he was in pain, than anything else. And then he cowered down, holding his hands over his ears. Carmen could clearly see his breathing becoming more heavy and abrupt. And immediately, he let his hands fall.

The people around him were still laughing.

But this was different. It hit him that moment. How could they laugh? This guy was at the edge of an outgrown anxiety attack. This was not funny. Not in any way!

Without thinking, Carmen rushed forward. He'd seen this shit one too many times and just couldn’t stand there and watch. If nobody else would do something, he would.

When he reached that guy, he gently put his hand on his shoulder.

“Hey pal, you good?” he asked spin the most quiet voice he could accomplish to not scare him more than necessary.

The guy held his eyes closed tightly, not answering a bit. This was going to be bad if he remained here. So maybe, Carmen could get him outside with him. Fresh air and the wide sky could help a lot in such situations. And the feeling of being trampled by all the people would go.

Without waiting for another reaction, he reached out to the young man and heaved him up. He used both his arms and didn’t think much about anyone might seeing it. A slight gasp escaped the mouth of the stranger. But he stood. Leaned to Carmen. He clutched to his arm and held on tight, not saying anything though. It was almost as if he trusted him that moment to lead him…

So Carmen and this man mad their way out to the huge balcony.

A little away stood Roger, still with that chubby guy talking. Behind him, he heard people laughing about something and a bit of a turmoil going on. But when he turned once to make out where this came from, he didn’t see a bit.

“Maybe someone couldn’t stop at the right moment again,” the other guy shrugged, following his gaze.

“Yeah probably,” Roger answered.

“So you can think about it,” the small man continued his speech. “It'll take quite some time still, but we're certain you’re the right guy for this marvelous piece of art.”

“It sounds very tempting, Max,” Roger answered, turning to him again. “But you see, I’ve just finished this here. And to be honest there are quite a few things I gotta handle before throwing myself into another project this size.”

“Aw but a man of your profession?” Max asked. “What’s there so important than bringing this vision to life?”

Roger didn’t answer right away. There was no way he could make him see what was on his mind right now. What consumed his every thought… And seriously, who was he kidding? He'd known Max for years. And he knew perfectly well he wasn’t exactly the person to understand.

He also hated that moment that he couldn’t get rid of him. This whole evening up until now went so much different from what he had planned. He had been occupied by so many people the moment he entered the room, he had had barely time to look after Carmen at all. This was new to him after all. The others would be there sure, but they didn’t think this way… they didn’t fear. They didn’t mind so much this was one of the last days he would have….with him.

“Hm, this something serious this time?” he heard Max’s voice again and looked up.

“What?”

“I’ve seen this face before,” Max continued, crossing his arms. “So, who is it? Someone you’re gonna get tired of within the next two weeks again or do I have to worry?”

“I don’t know…what?” Roger jeered, staring at him unbelievingly. “No…I mean… what makes you think…”

“Aha!” Max laughed, pointing his finger at Roger. “Spit it out!”

So, he sighed.

“He is my assistant,” Roger answered silently.

“Since when do you have an assistant?” Max asked, raising one eyebrow. “Isn't this freak show of a crew enough?”

Roger gave him a sinister look which caused Max to shit up and back away a little immediately.

“Oh,” he answered then, biting his tongue. For once, he seemed to understand. “Soooo… is he…here?”

Roger nodded, but shrugged shortly after.

“Somewhere,” he pointed around. “Haven't seen him in hours to be honest.”

"Sure he’s not enjoying himself somewhere else?” Max blurted out.

“Carmen’s not like that,” Roger shot back. “You… you wouldn’t understand.”

“Carmen?” Max turned up his nose at the name. “Well, why do I even bother? You’ve always been a mother Theresa for the odd…”

“Yeah well,” Roger tried to focus on him again, shaking the thought of Carmen out of his head for that moment. “Anyway. I’m sorry Max, but I’m not sure this’ll work this time.”

“It will take us some time to get there anyway,” Max answered, crossing his arms again. “And Leo’s gotta calculate around some of those finances anyway. So you’ll have plenty of time to think about it still. I’ll give you a call…”

He bend forward and hugged Roger slightly, patting his back once, before turning around, ready to leave.

“Oh Rog?”

Roger looked up again.

“Seriously though,” Max said, sounding suddenly a little more understanding. “If… if this is, you know… a serious thing… don’t mess it up this time.”

Roger gasped. Hearing something like this from that man was definitely a thing he’d never thought to live up to.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and suddenly felt a little hint of gratitude towards him. Coming from Max, this meant more than just “don’t mess it up".

Max on the other hand turned around and waved him goodbye over his shoulder with one hand whole his other was in his pocket again.

“I wouldn’t wanna deal with your whiny and self-destructive mess afterwards anyway,” he added, while the distance between them grew bigger.

“What? You little,” but it was too late. One blink later and the shirt guy had vanished in that crowd.

So Roger straightened up again, closing his eyes for a moment. He had to smirk. In a way Max had been right. He usually had the same pattern. And the same destructive ending. Only this time… this time the ending would come in a different way. So why the hell was he still standing here, talking all this nonsense to all those people he couldn’t care less about? He should be with him. Right now. This was one of the very few last chances anyway. And he was throwing them away so carelessly.

He turned around, his eyes scanning the people around d them. He must be here…somewhere. He couldn’t be gone. Roger spotted Shirley in a corner, drinking heavily and eying all the guys in a sinister way. Brian and Kevin were in a smaller group on the left, chatting. And Scott was on the dance floor with some young Indian looking man. They seemed to have fin…more or less.

But where was Carmen?

He started to walk around. He couldn’t have left for sure. He wouldn’t do that. Or would he? No. Roger shook his head again. The phase of just leaving had been over for a while. But somehow he had managed to lose him. How could he have been so careless? So obsessed with this damn job that he hadn't even noticed?

But then he spotted him. He was just climbing inside through the huge windows again, a little shyly pushing these monstrosities of curtains aside. And he looked around a little uncertain. The way he always looked when he wasn’t exactly comfortable.

Roger let out a breath of relief. And he noticed in surprise how much this short moment had made him worried. Worried to have lost…him.

He marched towards the younger man, who stood between a group of people again, looking slightly bored.

Roger put his hands on his shoulders gently and before Carmen could even flinch, he whispered into his ear.

“I thought you were gone.”

Carmen turned around slightly and smiled at him. That sweet, cocky little smile.

“I didn’t think you would notice,” he answered straightforward.

Of course. He had noticed too and wasn’t someone to stay silent about it.

“I’m sorry,” Roger said in a sad tone. He was standing so very close behind him now, he could easily wrap his arms around Carmen any time. But he only snuggled his head a little closer. “The job's done for today… I shouldn’t have spread it this far.”

“You’ve had fun with the chubby guy?” Carmen grinned at him, but to his surprise leaned a little closer to him.

“You mean Max?” Roger turned his head a little to grin at him. “Max Bialystock is the most disgusting person in the world… and a long term friend.”

“I don’t think I understand,” Carmen looked a bit confused.

“You will,” Roger smiling, taking his hand and turning I’m around carefully. “He wants us to work with him..”

“That’s good isn’t it?” Carmen replied. “When?”

“Will take some time,” Roger laughed.

“But then….”

“I know,” he took his hand and softly stroked over his cheek once, never leaving him out of sight. “But I hoped you'd want to work with us still… even when you’re…”

Carmen seemed to consider this for a second, but then smiled his cutest smile and nodded.

“I guess this would work.”

Roger stepped closer to him, finally wrapping his arms around his back and pulling him in a little more.

“Good!”

Gosh, this was what he had hoped for the whole evening. To spend a little more time with him. To be closer to him… to have I’m there in his arms lime that. It didn’t matter the people around them turned away amused. Or that they started to whisper behind their hands. Or that the lights in the room dimmed slightly when the small orchestra in the middle started to play a small, bitter sweet melody. He didn’t notice. All he noticed was Carmen there in front of him. Who didn’t back away. Ho didn’t made it quite clear he didn’t want this kind of intimacy. Carmen, who held on to him, slinging his hands around his neck; smiling in a way he had never seen on him before and holding his gaze for an eternity.

Roger let his head sink until their foreheads touched. Just the way they been the other evening. And it was just perfect. That moment. That mood. That night.

He swore he could feel him all around him. Smelled his perfume. Felt his touch and saw those eyes, who looked so different from the stranger's he had rescued so many months before. The same brown eyes. Yet so much more open and in a way loving.

Roger could feel his heartbeat in his throat and the goosebumps in his neck. He wanted so much to be even closer than that. Their bodies were almost entwined anyway, but this wasn’t enough. Somehow he had the feeling he would drown right here, without any water and safe on the ground, if he couldn't feel like that a little more. And he knew that very moment what this was, which was eating him alive every single day. And why he would never survive if he actually let him go now. A certainty that was about to come, but about he didn’t want to waste one more thought. Not now… not ever. This was special. In every way it could be. And he had never believed to be in this place. To find something as precious as this on a silly morning walk through the city.

Carmen seemed to sense this and pulled him a little closer.

Roger closed his eyes, only feeling him. Their foreheads still touched and every now and then their noses would stripe too.

And he knew he was doomed. He could never face it. Never see him go. How was he supposed to look at himself in the mirror again, knowing he hadn’t done whatever was possible to keep this?

But when he was taking a breath, unsure of how to start even a first sentence, someone came running through that crowd and jostled them rather roughly.

He could feel them stumbling aside. Roger teared his eyes wide open and tried to prevent Carmen from falling too, but lost his grip and stumbled backwards.

The people around them were gasping.

But just when he was about to fall, Carmen reached for him and stemmed his weight against his body. He indeed managed to hold him somehow. It took Roger a slight moment to get his balance back though, but once he’d found his center he was able to brace his arm on the ground and find a stand again.

He giggled slightly.

What a way to destroy a moment. If he knew who that person had been, he probably would have kicked his ass right away.

But when he looked up and saw Carmen’s worried face, the smile was immediately swiped away from him.

Carmen still stood there, holding on to his arm. His body slightly bend to stem against him, eyes teared open wide in shock and both his arms stretched out widely to grab Roger, who went pale seeing it. The sling around his neck swung a little still but all in all hung there useless…

Roger’s eyes grew to a new dimension.

Carmen noticed then too and quickly let go of him, backing away with a shocked look. He held his arm immediately again, looking as though he was about to cry any moment.

Some people had collected around them and started to mutter. And it didn’t take Shirley, Scott and the others more than a second to stand next to Roger as well. They all looked at Carmen in a confused, not-believing-what-they-just-saw way too. Nobody dared to say anything though.

Carmen’s breath became faster. He looked around hastily. Almost like an animal about to flee.

“Your arm…,” Roger gasped hoarsely. He couldn’t look at someone else though.

But it caused Carmen to back away even more.

“Sorry,” he whispered back.

And then he turned around and ran out of the huge ballroom as fast as he could, not looming at anyone or turning again.

Roger was on his feet in a heartbeat, but the others held him back.

“No…,” He thought while staring after him. “Carmen…”

 

 

~ to be continued ~

Chapter 10: A new start

Notes:

So, this is it... The final chapter to this story. I'm feeling somehow curiously sad about letting them go, but we knew this had had to happen somehow ^^; And I've dawdled around long enough with this.

I love those two and hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing about them and their fabulous household. And maybe, you feel like leaving your thoughts in a comment for me too. <3

Chapter Text

"You should have let me go after him," Roger almost screamed, waving his hands.

"He clearly didn't want it," Brian said dryly, following Roger down the street. "You saw his face…"

"He is right, you know," Scott tried to intervene, but even he had his troubles keeping up for Roger was almost running.

The cab that had brought them here had been stuck in traffic and Roger had almost thrown the money at the driver and had jumped out of the car, marching down their street like a lunatic. He so desperately wanted to get home.

"He was confused," Roger argued without looking at them. "A situation like this can overstrain people, you know!"

"Roger now wait a minute," Scott tried to hold him back but with him being quite tall, he easily just shook his hand away without stopping. "Please stop and try to see the point here!"

Roger wouldn't listen though. All he had in mind was getting home. Finding any clue Carmen had been there. Hoping with everything he owned he hadn't gone already.

"Ok, that's enough," Brian shrugged and ran past Scott and Roger, getting in their way like a barricade. Roger wanted to duck away and move past him. But it was then Brian reached back and smack him across the face as hard as he could.

Roger almost fell and Scott immediately jumped after him, trying to prevent this. He only managed to stop him from hitting the ground harshly though. Shirley jumped to Brian, holding him back. But Brian only shook his hand, bending down too.

"Jesus," he cried. "Nobody ever told me this hurts as much!"

"Are you nuts?" Shirley shrieked in a voice very unlike herself. "What the hell are you doing?"

"What the…," Roger was still, on the ground and held his cheek, looking at his friend with a mixture of shock and surprise.

"Just listen to him for once, you moron," Brian demanded sharply, still holding his hand. "Instead of just raging like a lunatic."

Roger looked a bit bewildered but slowly turned his aching head toward Scott. He on the other hand looked, a little pale from the shock, from Brian to Roger but collected himself quickly again.

"Listen, why do you think he made a secret out of this?" He started then. "Judged by his face he knew. And probably not since yesterday. So he didn't want us to know. Not yet at least…"

"Means what, Sherlock?" Roger asked grumpily, still sitting on the floor.

"Means he either doesn't really wanna go," Shirley interrupted. "Or he has something to do still… Heavens Roger, it doesn't take that many brain cells…"

"So with you running after him, it might have ended badly," Scott ignored her and fixated Roger. "And you barging into the house now might scare him away even more. You know how he can be!"

Roger thought about this for a second and then heaved his body up from the street slowly. Once he found his balance again, he sighed.

"It ends now no matter what," he replied without looking at them. As hard as he wanted to, he just couldn't. And he noticed how bitter he sounded. "That's what we'd agreed on…"

"But you could…," Kevin started but didn't get to finish.

"No!" Roger barked at him. "That's it! Game over!"

The four of them stared at him unbelievingly and no one dared to say a word. Brian was still holding his hand which started to shiver, while Shirley unconsciously rubbed his back. Scott and Kevin just looked shocked.

"Roger… you… You want to do nothing?" Brian managed to say after a moment and suddenly didn't sound so demanding anymore, but compassionate.

"There is nothing I can do," Roger looked away. Speaking these words out loud made it all real in a way. And reality hits hard as is well known. "He could have asked. He could have made it clear somehow he didn't wanna leave. But nothing came. Nothing! All he ever talked about was leaving."

He had troubles fighting back those tears now. But how on earth could he make them understand what this meant to him?

"But… he belongs here. With us," Kevin said slowly, still not believing this.

"He is a guest," Roger shook his head. "And he always was."

"Maybe he doesn't dare to say otherwise," Scott tried too.

"He only agreed to stay until his arm was healed," Roger answered.

"He hid that he was well," Shirley screamed at him now. And Roger looked up, taken aback by how desperate she sounded too. "He bandaged his arm for God knows how long to make us believe nothing had changed!"

"That could have a thousand reasons," Roger hoarsely replied.

"Oh God damn it, open your freaking eyes," Shirley shouted. It almost looked like she was close to tears as well which was so unusual for her, it almost scared all of them. "I will slap you too if you don't finally realize this!"

Roger flinched, staring at her with wide eyes.

"He's still here for one reason," Kevin looked angry too. "And that's definitely not because he liked her cooking so much."

He pointed at Shirley, who despite her emotional outburst managed to slap him once. Very softly for her though.

"What?" Roger shook his head slightly.

"Oh for God's sake, lemme at him," Brian yelled and jumped towards their friend again, ready to punch him once more. But this time Scott, Kevin and Shirley jumped in his way holding him back. "They mean you, you idiot! Do they have to spell it for you?"

Roger's eyes widened. He could feel himself biting his lips and didn't know if he'd heard right.

And instead of following that thought he stared at Brian's hand, which shivered still and its knuckles were beginning to bleed slightly. With a still very shocked expression, he stepped closer and despite Brian's obvious rage, he took his hand gently into is own. He did this so calm, his roommate backed away a little, not really grasping what this was about.

"You shouldn't have done this," Roger mumbled while reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a handkerchief and unfolded it by shaking it twice. Then he gently wrapped it around Brian's hand and tied a knot on top of it. "You should never hurt yourself because of me."

"And you should take the same care of anybody who is close to you," Brian spoke, a little calmer now.

Roger looked up.

"Please," Brian begged, not taking his eyes away. "Do something about this. I don't care for your silly little deal. He doesn't have anywhere else to go and you know it!"

"Why is this wo important to you?" Roger whispered, shaking his head slightly.

"Why do you still act like it's nothing to you?" Brian asked in return.

Roger shook his head once more and looked down.

"We're not stupid," Shirley piped up hesitantly. "We know how much you hate the thought of him leaving. We noticed you becoming quieter about it all ever since Carmen and you got closer."

"And we also have never seen him that carefree before than when he was with you," Kevin nodded. "So if you really don't want him to leave, you are the one to change his mind. You! Not us!"

"You see, if he still wants to go, there's nothing any of us can do," Scott agreed with them. "But somehow I doubt this will happen."

"No?" Roger didn't believe how uncertain he sounded now, as he looked at them and felt the conviction in all of them being thrown at him.

But they shook their heads.

"How do you know?" he asked almost not audible.

They looked at each other and suddenly smirked, before turning back to him.

"Cause words can mislead and behavior can be faked," Kevin answered for them. "But the eyes never lie."

 

_______________

 

When they arrived the Upper East Side town house, the night seemed a little darker than usual. Not even the thousands of lights from the city could change that.

They've searched the house. Every inch of it.

They've looked in the backyard. He loved to hide in there.

But nothing.

Roger went pale when this cruel fact became clear.

They sat in the living room now; waiting. Thinking about whatever to do.

Nobody said anything though. They just sat there, staring at each other.

Roger had his head leaned to the backrest of the huge couch. He stared outside the window into the skies; just like Carmen had done so many times before. The night cast its grim shadow and the heavy clouds hung like a curtain over the city. It started to rain heavily. The raindrops pattered against the huge windows, blurring the view to a surreal painting of dark blue and gray colors. And somehow, the image of the dancers Roger had painted all those years ago popped into his mind. In a way they had been like this. Dancing along…with no eyes for anyone else. Exactly the way Carmen had described it so many months ago. He almost had to smile thinking about it.

But now he was gone. With nowhere to go… and hell breaking loose outside.

Or maybe this wasn't right. Roger didn't know. Hell, he did know nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even his name… He could easily have gone somewhere. Could have vanished without a sign of life from him ever again.

He let his head sink in his hands.

Did any of this matter? Not really.

All he could really think about right now was somehow finding a way to talk to him once more. Getting that last chance... Something. Anything to tell him it was okay. Offering him to stay, if he wanted it. And he could kick himself for not having done it the many times before. This felt like a punishment. For bringing someone here who never wanted to be involved. For being a coward. For being a liar… to himself and to Carmen.

He felt a hand on his shoulder that moment. And slowly he raised his head.

"He is going to be fine," Scott smiled at him.

Roger wanted to answer but couldn't. He gave a short nod, but then heard the others as well.

"Try not to worry," Kevin said compassionately. "He is not stupid. He surely has found a way to escape the rain and will show himself as soon as it's over."

"And he's a tough nut," Brian nodded in Roger's direction. "Just remember how he used to fight when you brought him here… Nobody can deal with him that easily."

Shirley hit him with a book that moment though.

"Ow!" Brian rubbed his arm, looking reproachfully at her. "Injured hand, woman! You watch what you're doing!"

"You better watch your mouth, idiot," Shirley replied and raised her eyebrow in the direction of Roger, causing Brian to look like a beaten puppy suddenly. Then she turned to Roger. "He can't just leave without saying goodbye. He's not like that. You'll see! He'll be back soon."

Roger jeered slightly, but had to smile. They all felt it. They all worried. And yet they still had the strength to somehow make him feel better. He was being so damn grateful for them that moment, he couldn't even find words. And maybe they were indeed right. Carmen wasn't someone to leave without saying anything. At least not anymore. He had changed so much over the time and became so involved with all of them, a move like that just wouldn't fit in.

"Thanks," Roger whispered, looking at them. They all smiled back.

But then their heads shot up simultaneously as the sound of the front door opening echoed through the house.

He gasped.

All of their eyes were teared open widely that moment and they almost jumped up from their places and pressed themselves into the doorframe.

In the hallway stood Carmen.

He was wet to the bones and his hair stuck to his face while the raindrops still trickled off his face. He will wore the suit but he must have walked through the mud and dirt of the city, judged by its appearance. He did not dare to look at them and still had his hand on the doorknob.

But he wouldn't have managed to say anything, for when he opened his mouth and took a breath, Shirley, Kevin and the others already jumped towards him.

"Oh God," Shirley embraced him tightly without thinking anything. "We were so worried about you. I'm so glad you're back!"

" Are you alright?" Scott asked sincerely, eyeing him from head to toe.

"I'm good," Carmen replied hoarsely, still not able to look at any of them.

"How did you get here?" Kevin asked a bit worried.

"Walked," Carmen muttered.

Brian on the other hand marched towards him then, causing him to flinch a little with a sudden fear in his eyes. He wasn't used to him coming up to him like this. Not at all.

"What do you think you were doing running off like that?" he yelled in a sharp voice.

The others immediately held their breaths.

But then he flung his arms around d the shocked younger man and hugged him tightly.

"I thought we'd never see you again," Brian spoke a lot softer now. "Don't ever scare us like this again!"

Carmen didn't move for a moment. He was petrified by this outburst, just like everyone else in the house. They stared at the uncommon picture until Carmen managed to put his ha ds on Brian's shoulders and gently pushed him away.

"I didn't mean to," he said then, forcing himself to a cheap smile. "I'm sorry…"

The others seemed to relax in an instance and started to bustle around him again.

"You need to get out of these wet clothes," Shirley demanded, holding Carmen's sleeves up in the air with only two fingers. "You'll catch your death staying like this."

"I'll make you something warm," Kevin answered. "A tea will get you thawed in no time."

"Maybe he needs to rest first," Scott answered, looking reproachful at Kevin. "It's been a long day after all."

"I don't need any…," Carmen started but didn't get to finish.

In the doorframe now stood Roger; one hand still touching the old wood, looking almost like he froze in his movement. His eyes were wide and his look a mixture of concern and sadness. Carmen caught his eye and fell silent immediately again. And although they stood an eternity away from each other, there was only them that moment. The others vanished from their sight.

Carmen didn't look less shocked. None of them moved a bit for a long time. The others noticed his gaze of course and within a second fell silent again. Until Scott finally managed to clear his throat, immediately nodding in Roger's direction with raised eyebrows. Then he looked at the others, who seemed to understand without any explanation.

"I…er…I think we're going to go to the kitchen and…erm," Kevin started.

"Prepare something to eat," Shirley finished, while all of them started to move towards the kitchen and vanished quickly inside.

Carmen turned his head a little and looked into the worried eyes of Roger once more. Automatically he grabbed his arm again and backed away until the door stopped him. Then he averted his eyes, breathing in heavily as though this was the hardest thing to do.

"I'm sorry," he whispered then. "I'm sorry I lied… I should have told you…"

But Roger only shook his head.

"You don't need to explain," he answered softly.

"No please," Carmen whirled around; tears welling in his eyes. "You always say that. All the time I've been here… But now, just for once let me try to explain anything…"

Roger bit his tongue, hearing how desperate he sounded. He hesitated shortly, but then nodded once. His eyes never left him.

"I didn't want to face it, okay?" Carmen burst out. "Face the fact this deal is over… Thinking about living out there…all alone… It is scary in a way. And I couldn't look into their faces telling them."

He pointed at the kitchen loosely, while tears were flowing down his already wet face.

"I just…I didn't know…how to be that ungrateful," he cried. "It just feels like abandoning them."

Roger inhaled deeply and straightened up. This was what he was thinking the whole time? That he would let them down?

"You couldn't turn your back on them?" he heard himself asking, even though everything around him sounded muffled right now. He almost felt dizzy, but tried his best to remain where he was.

Carmen raised his head for a split second and then averted his eyes again. He sniffed once, wiping over his face with his hand. His eyes were red and swollen and he tried hard to fixate a marble ornate umbrella stand next to the door.

"I couldn't leave you," he whispered then.

Roger felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach that very moment. He noticed his feet starting to move. Faster and faster until he almost ran. He caught the shocked eyes of Carmen last thing before he flung his arms around him in a bear hug, pressing his cheek as tightly to Carmen's as he could.

He felt the young man throwing his arms around his back hesitantly too. He felt his embrace becoming tighter. And he felt him sobbing in his arms, while his own shirt was soaked from his wet clothes within seconds.

"I'm glad you came back," Roger whispered.

"I will go in the morning," Carmen cried still. It sounded more like pleading though. "If you let me stay this long still."

Roger let go of him slightly and took his face into his hands, gently wiping away his tears with his thump. There they were again. These heartbreaking brown eyes looking at him with a thousand questions. Questions he didn't feel able to answer…

"You should really get out of these clothes," he said quietly. "You'll get sick again and nobody wants that."

Carmen laughed without a voice.

"What happened to your face?" he asked then, stroking softly over Roger's cheek.

"I bit myself shaving," Roger grinned slightly, causing the both of them to laugh. "Come on, let's get you some rest."

They turned and climbed up the stairs quietly, heading towards the huge white room. Carmen had always referred to it as a prison, but now it seemed like a sanctuary. To both of them actually.

Down in the kitchen it had become quiet. The heads of their roommates peeked around d the corner when the two of them were almost out of sight.

"Bet he'll ruin it again?" Brian said after a while. "He's never going to ask him."

"Five bucks," Kevin answered, without looking at him.

"Deal!"

The shook on it while still staring after them.

"You're unbelievable," Shirley then said. "You can have some confidence in him after all."

"Only if he really means it," Kevin answered, pouting. "You know him."

"That's exactly why he will surprise you," Scott added and moved back into the kitchen, leaving them wondering for a bit.

 

____________

 

Roger closed the door behind them and headed for the closets, opening them. He rummaged through the shelves and drawers until he pulled out some towels. He remembered he had hid them there from Kevin some time ago, but couldn't really remember why.

Meanwhile Camren had freed himself from the jacket and unbuttoned his shirt. He was standing in front of the covered mirror and suddenly stopped.

"Here we go," Roger said, coming closer with a winning face. He happily waved the towels in his hands, throwing one at Carmen who caught it in no time.

"Thanks," he smiled, turning away and starting to rub his face with it. He then flung it around his head to dry his hair a bit while unbuttoning his wet and sticky sleeves.q

"You've hung up the mirror?" Roger noticed, going there and lifting the blanket a little.

Carmen nodded. "I didn't want to face …," he looked at his still bandages arm that moment.

Roger on the other hand seemed to understand. He smiled gently and nodded once, before lifting the blanket off of the mirror again, throwing it to the ground.

"Come here," he then said softly and held out his hand.

Carmen blinked and gave him a look of not understanding at first. But then, a little confused, he slowly started to move towards him. He took his hand and let himself be pulled in front of that mirror slowly. He didn't dare to look inside though. Instead, he had his eyes on Roger the whole time, who kneeled down and carefully opened his bandage to remove it with the most care; a tender smile on his face the whole time. Carmen watched his every move. And every time his hands brushed his arm, he felt a shiver down his spine.

"Does that hurt?" Roger asked when the bandage was completely gone.

Carmen shook his head, looking somehow sad again.

"There's nothing," he answered then quietly. "It's gone.."

Roger sensed what he was trying to imply. This was the end. This was him admitting to leave…

"You know," Roger hesitated, kneeling there in front of him. He still had Carmen's hand in his own and he rubbed his neck with the other, not knowing where to start. He slowly got up then. "You can also stay if you like…"

There he said it. His heart was hammering against his chest again, but he tried to remain as calm as possible that moment. He couldn't tell how much Carmen's reaction meant to him that moment. And as much as he had thought about it, he hadn't been able to find a better way to ask him.

Carmen looked at him more than surprised though. He blushed again and opened his mouth once or twice, shaking his head nearly not visible.

"I… can't burden you even more," he stuttered almost voiceless. "You've done so much already… I'd be forever in your dept."

He didn't sound convinced though. Roger swallowed once and then turned his head so he wouldn't have to see that look. That shocked, guilty look right now. How should he make him understand this?

It wasn't like he was offering this because he wanted him to owe him… This was… so much more…

"You…," Roger harrumphed once. "You don't owe me anything."

He felt his face getting hot too. It had been a long time since he had wanted someone so badly to stay. To be close to him. To just be there. He still remembered how sick with worries he had been when he thought Carmen had left. And that overwhelming fear had made him realize how much deeper all this had gone already. How different he saw all of it now and how much the hated that stupid bargain from that cursed day they'd met. But he didn't even know how to tell him any of this.

"And you would never burden me," he added now raising his head courageously. "I… I would actually… like if you stayed."

Carmen's eyes grew to a new dimension. He backed away a little, also looking away. He seemed so confused. Roger could see him breathing faster and his eyes moving quickly to some spots on the floor. He was probably thinking about every possibility he could make up right now of why this was a bad idea. It would fit him. And to his great surprise, he held his arm again. Even though there couldn't be anything still hurting. His old defense mechanism was there again; starting to work whenever he was uncertain about anything.

Roger sighed and then reached for him once more.

"Here, let me see," he said as softly as he could manage.

Carmen's eyes met his again. It took him longer than before to really move and grab his hand this time, before Roger could pull him towards himself slowly.

Only when he was standing very close to him, Carmen's head raised to look up to him and still these confused eyes consumed everything of him. Roger gently put his hands on his shoulder and turned him towards the mirror.

Carmen stiffened immediately and inhaled sharply.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt you," Roger assured him.

He carefully took off his wet shirt, trying to ignore Carmen's blush. The he stroked soothingly over his shoulders, before placing himself behind him to face the mirror with him. He stroked down his arm and felt the goosebumps on his skin that moment.

Carmen closed his eyes tightly. He seemed incredibly tense. So, Roger let his hand wander down his arm until he reached his elbow. Gently he lifted it until he could feel the full weight of it in his hand.

"Tell me if anything hurts," he whispered into Carmen's ear while lifting his arm even more. Very carefully he lifted it high above his head and back. He turned it to his back and to his chest. He slowly bent it a few times and stretched it again.

Carmen had his eyes open now and watched every move of Roger's hands in the mirror. From time to time he would look up and found his gaze in their reflections as well. He didn't complain though. As a matter of fact he didn't say a thing. It almost seemed like he wasn't breathing at all any more. All he did was standing there, watching him and let him move his once injured arm.

Roger turned his head slightly, so he would look straight ahead. He was being so close. He could feel his body and he felt his movement.

He took one breath and dared to move his other hand towards his chest, where it remained. Carmen didn't protest. They simply looked into the eyes of their reflections. And for once, Roger wished they were able to communicate like this. Without words. He wished so much Carmen would understand him just now.

If only he knew how perfect he looked like this. How perfect this moment was to him.

Roger had his arm stretched out wide now and slowly worked toward touching his hand. For a moment both of them stiffened. But then Roger dared to move his fingers around Carmen's hand and stroked along the back of it; barely touching it. He moved along his fingers, all the way up to his fingertips and then turned to slide down his palm. It was then Carmen reacted. His fingers moved and wrapped around Roger's hand as well. They were moving them together, always only slightly touching. Their palms met, their fingers intertwined and let go again. Carmen turned his hand to let him feel the back of his hand and the next moment he would hold on tightly to Roger's.

It was like a dance. A private little dance somewhere in their own little bubble only the two of them would get as such. And even though they were barely moving, Roger had never felt more intimate to anyone.

They were looking at each other in the mirror still. None of them said anything. Only staring deeply into each others eyes. Open and honest eyes; for knee not trying to hide whatever lay hidden behind their walls.

Until Roger moved a little closer. Carmen immediately leaned into him a bit more, suddenly lifting his other arm and tenderly touching the hand on his chest. He held on to it tightly.

Roger leaned his head closer to Carmen and began to stroke his chest gently. His hand would follow.

He could feel his cold skin, still wet from the rain. He could smell his hair with his face being so close to him. And he knew this would never be something who owed him. He'd just never felt like this. Almost as though he could dive into another person that moment. But still not close enough. But feeling him alone let him shiver everywhere.

He turned his head in a minimal way and just for a second closed his eyes. His breath hit Carmen's neck and immediately he started to get goosebumps all over too.

So Roger took the stretched out hand into his own, holding on to it tightly, while slowly bending the young man's arm back in. He straightened a bit as Carmen immediately turned his head in his direction. He didn't look as confused or shocked anymore though. No, he was completely calm, fixating on his eyes.

Roger turned him around a little bit more and bend down just a bit. Their foreheads touched while their hands were still intertwined tightly. He could feel his breath on his face. And his skin on his own.

Carmen's arm left his chest and slowly found its way to Roger's. He looked at him still when his fingers started to play with the wet fabric of his own shirt.

He looked up slightly and their noses touched.

This was it. They couldn't get any closer, unless…

Roger closed his eyes and leaned in a bit more. His lips striped Carmen's gently before he could think about it. Both of them stopped for a second. But then he could feel Carmen leaning towards him too. Roger could feel his heart almost exploding when their lips touched.

They moved their heads along with it. Slowly at first, but then they got a little faster as their kiss deepened.

Roger let go of Carmen's hand and moved his arm to his back, pulling him even closer. His other hand stroked along his neck, up to his head, pushing him gently closer toward him. Carmen flung his arms around him as well and when he opened his mouth a little more to let him enter, Roger felt like dying that very moment.

Their bodies moved together that moment and their hands stroking up and down one another. Feeling the other. Discovering. And when they had almost turned around completely, Carmen had managed to unbutton Roger's shirt as well. With his eyes still closed he moved it over his shoulder and Roger immediately tried to get rid of the sleeves. They stumbled a little and just when Roger thought they would fall, he found them at the edge of the huge bed.

He didn't think. And he didn't hesitate.

He gave them a little nudge until Carmen lost his balance.

They fell onto the bed softly, still clutching to one another. Carmen didn't protest, but moved along. And Roger felt like falling. For an eternity and evermore..

It didn't feel the way it normally did. This was more. So much more. And he got drunk in the lightness and the warmth radiating inside of him. Ever shiver of his body felt like the most heavenly pleasure ever and he wondered why all of this seemed so brand new all of a sudden. Like he'd never had done this before…

He heard Carmen give a tiny moan underneath him and suddenly all of his thoughts vanished into the darkness of his mind. Nothing was important. Nothing but this. Him… right now…

All he could still manage, was to switch off the lights on the night stand with one arm before giving in completely…

 

_____________

 

The sun set in a beautiful bright glare, dipping the last remains of the night sky into a beautiful shade of pink. The city was slowly awaking and the normal hectic bustle had started a while ago but now seemed to have awaken as well. The sunlight was glittering in the last remained raindrops on the leaves of the few trees and window panes and sometimes, between the noises of the traffic, some birds could be heard.

A soft breeze let the white curtains at the window fly softly into the room. And as the sun began to wander, it lighted up the white of the room a good deal more. The bed linen almost shone wherever the sunbeams would touch it.

Carmen was still fast asleep when the light hit his face.

He pressed his face into the huge pillow a little more, trying to escape the day just a little longer. But the light was unforgiving and tickled his face harder by the minute. He yawned slightly and rolled to his back, taking deep breath and stretching his body the best he could without moving too much. He held his arm over his head, so the sunlight would not blind him once he finally decided to open his eyes. But he needed the safety of staying under a blanket a blanket a little longer . At least while his mind was still sleepy and his whole system had to wake up first.

He blinked once or twice, feeling his arm on his head and the soft breeze from outside on his skin. It felt almost cool compared to the heat of the sheets and considering he didn't wear anything.

He closed his eyes once more, slowly trying to sort out the memories that came back to him from the past day and couldn't help but smile underneath his breath.

This had been real… the pure fact he was lying there in this bed, the way he did, reminded him. So was this gonna change anything?

He thought about it for a moment while his body slowly woke up.

Yes, it was.

It changed everything. Not only the way all of this looked now; to be precise this offer to stay, but also it would change a big deal of how Carmen would see himself now…and Roger. Oh God…

He let his arm fall, and exhaled. By sorting his thoughts and feelings right now, he would manage to loosen the pressure in his chest somehow. He wasn't worried though. For once in months he didn't feel like he had to hide anything anymore. He didn't feel that inner tension anymore and noticed somewhere deep down he was calm. Not about the current moment but about everything. A deep inner assurance that he would be able to face anything. To belong. To be wanted. And more importantly… to never have wanted anything that much… There was a lightness to all this… A happiness that was in a way subtle but also so overwhelming he couldn't even define it.

Carmen opened his eyes slightly and blinked a few times until the ceiling didn't blur anymore.

He still smelled him everywhere. And he still felt his touch… And he felt his own heartbeat responding within the second…

It was then he turned his head slightly, expecting Roger to lie next to him, still asleep.

But the space next to him was empty.

The pillow was still crumbled and the blanket sloppily thrown aside.

Carmen gasped and his smile vanished. Within no time he raised his body up by propping his arms in the mattress, staring at the spot unbelievingly. He felt like having gotten kicked in the stomach right now. His eyes wandered hastily from the pillow to the blanket and back as he tried hard to understand the panic arising in him right now.

"Don't worry. I'm here," Roger's voice sounded through the room and made Carmen whirl around. This came so unexpected, he involuntarily held his breath.

Roger sat a little away from the bed in the white armchair near the window. Due to the sunlight from outside, the room's wall cast a shadow into parts of it, which made him appear to be completely intact he dark even though this wasn't the case. He had his legs crossed and looked at Carmen carefully.

After the first initial shock, Carmen let out a sigh. His head fell and he closed his eyes a moment. Immediately his body became more relaxed. He bent his legs to sit more comfortable and out his arms casually around them, jeering silently.

"I thought you were gone," he said turning his head to Roger, and smiled warmly.

"I figured," the older man answered softly.

"So you've been watching me sleeping?" Carmen asked then, half amused. "Kind of creepy, don't you think?"

"I didn't intend to be," Roger replied.

Strange. He was being so calm. Usually some witty comment would have come back. But maybe he was also a little uncertain about how to react. It was a new situation not just to Carmen after all… That's what he thought at least, until he noticed something.

"You're dressed and all," he remarked. "How long have you been up?"

Roger didn't answer straight away. He kept staring at him for a couple of seconds more and then turned his head to upwards the window, looking at the sky for a moment.

This was weird in a way.

Carmen turned his head again and tried to make any sense out of this. Something was not right about the way he reacted. At least he'd never thought about it before.

And it was then he noticed two bundles of clothes at the end of the bed, hanging there nice and neat over the bedpost. One black, one gray.

He crawled towards the nearest bundle he could reach and pulled it a little closer. The gray hoodie and a pair of Jeans. Both carefully pressed and folded and almost looking like new. A fo,ded piece of paper lay on top of them. Carmen straightened up a little more. He stared at the fabric and could feel that former smile vanish from his face. Way too familiar looked these clothes…

They were his own. The ones he had worn when he got here. The ones he had escaped in and the ones Roger had found him in. The one last reminder of a life he had almost forgotten…

His eyes wandered to the other bundle. It was awfully unfamiliar and contained clothes as well. They looked like no one had ever worn them before. He stretched a bit and pulled them closer as well.

A black suit; thoroughly fabricated and probably hand-made. In an elegant black silk like fabric and small ornaments of silvery glittering thread. There were two parts to it. A black turtle-neck jacket and black pants. On top of them lay a little brown paper bag with the logo of some Italian sounding brand printed on it.

"You can open it," he heard Roger's voice once more and knew he was observing him again.

But somehow, Carmen couldn't bring himself to respond. His eyes were still fixated on the bundles and something inside of him literally screamed at him to be careful. He tried to shake it away somehow, for this was nothing bad. If couldn't be. This was Roger after all… the one who made him see a perspective again. The one who worked so hard to gain his trust. And the one he'd let close to himself when he had sworn himself not to trust anyone ever again.

So, Carmen grabbed the little bag and slowly opened it. He pulled out two golden chains. One was plain and looked just elegant. The other had an antique looking monocle attached to it and looked more like an accessory than something someone would actually wear. But in combination these two combined to the most simple but stunning looking addition to the suit. They just were made for each other and fit together like night and day.

Still Carmen couldn't see the link here.

Obviously this stuff must have been amazingly expensive, but what was it doing here? Together with his teenage clothes?

"What…," he started and had to collect himself because his voice gave in too quickly. "What is this?"

"It's a choice!" Roger replied.

There was silence. A silence that felt like an eternity. Neither of them said anything or moved. Carmen just kept staring from one bundle to the other, trying hard to get whatever Roger could have meant. But nothing rang a bell. He probably had never felt more confused ever since he came here. He was searching for the hidden joke Roger would usually use to make him laugh. Or the little connection between this and his words that made him understand. But nothing was there.

"I'm afraid," Roger spoke and suddenly sounded like he was beating every sorrow in this world. "There is no good way to say this."

Carmen slowly turned his head to face him.

"I want you to leave today!"

If he didn't feel his heart being ripped apart right now, Carmen surely would have believed he was still asleep and having a bad, a very bad dream. He could feel his face turning pale. He wanted to just shake his head or scream or hit himself in the face right now, but all he could do was staring at Roger with his eyes teared up.

"There's a piece of paper attached to that first bundle," Roger kept on, pointing at the clothes on the bed. "Which gives you an address to an apartment in the city. I've spoken to them this morning. It's affordable and yours… if you want it."

"If I…?" Carmen could only whisper. He felt his hands starting to shake but couldn't take his eyes away.

"The second bundle," Roger continued, ignoring his shocked face completely. "which surely got your attention is an alternative."

Carmen still didn't react. Roger used that moment to bend forward a bit, putting both his feet to the ground and entwined his fingers while propping up his arms on his legs. His face is changed though. His eyes closed for a moment. He sat there looking like he had a really hard time saying what he just had. He took a deep breath and went on:

"I think I've took you by surprise yesterday, suggesting you'd stay. But the truth is… the truth is, I'm not suggesting. I'm asking you to stay."

Carmen on the other hand just shook his head.

"What?"

"The second bundle is for you," Roger said then, looking him straight in the eyes. "If you decide to stay. I've commissioned this from an Italian tailor we used to get costumes from some weeks ago. I know how much you hated white and thought you would like it. It is customized so it is only for you."

It was then Carmen felt the need to breathe again. His body was shaking and he had his troubles digesting what he'd just heard. He turned his gaze slowly away from Roger and just stared at the blanket over his legs.

"I see," he managed to say and felt he was close to break down right now. "Those were your terms… Now getting rid of me is the easiest….after you finally got what you wanted…"

"No," Roger whispered and suddenly sounded desperate. "Believe me, I didn't plan this to happen."

"Does it work like this every time?" Carmen ignored him. He was clutching the blanket so tightly now, his hands were beginning to turn white. But he didn't notice them underneath the shivering. "Are you making all of them believe you, only to cut them loose once you're satisfied?"

"It's not like…"

"WAS IT FUN THEN?" Carmen now whirled around and suddenly almost screamed, pointing at the black suit. "Buying stuff like that only to get me into bed? Did you prove yourself? That you still got what it takes? That you can get anyone?"

"I feel like I've been abusing your trust," Roger shot back, making Carmen back away instantly. His stare burned with a need to be understood though. "You were emotional and vulnerable after what had happened. You didn't know where else to go. You tried to explain it to me and I just didn't listen. I didn't know how to really listen…"

Roger became quieter again and almost swallowed his words. He sounded like he was on the edge of tears, looking at him with the most desperate look Carmen had ever seen on him.

"And I have put you into a situation you don't deserve," he continued. "You shouldn't feel pressured to be here. I've said this before. I don't want you to think you owe me anything. This is not my decision to make. It's yours and yours alone."

Carmen looked down again, swallowing hard.

"You can stay here," Roger spoke then. "But you have to decide to do it. And then be confident about your decision. Cause heaven knows, I'd you still have doubts… There's nothing more I can do to convince you! And I don't want you to regret anything."

"I'm regretting this here," Carmen answered hoarsely, still fixating his legs. "I'm regretting having believed you. Giving in to you…I never thought this was a game to you. I never… never thought… you'd turn out to be exactly like I thought you were in the beginning…."

"Carmen?" Roger whispered.

Carmen raised his head and turned to face him. He didn't look angry though.

Roger's eyes widened when he saw tears were running down the younger man's face. This was the most heartbreaking thing he had ever seen. Then he slowly shook his head, looking at him almost pleadingly.

"Please, don't be like this," he whispered.

Carmen jeered under his tears and forced himself into a fake smile.

"To make this easier for you?" he whispered back, not turning his eyes away.

"I'm sorry," Roger said and slowly heaved himself up from the armchair. "So sorry you think this way… But I cannot do this. I cannot force you to decide. And I don't want you to do something you cannot live with. Even if… that means you'll hate me forever."

He walked last Carmen and tried his very best not to look at him.

The way to the door seemed to have tripled suddenly and every step was harder than ever before. Although he tried to hide it, he could hear Carmen's sobbing behind him and it almost made him rethink everything he'd just said again. But no! This wasn't his life. Not his decision… And although it killed him internally, he knew he couldn't take this step away from him. When Roger reached the door, he stopped shortly with his hand on the doorknob.

"Decide what is right for you…" he whispered. "You don't have to say a word… I'll see the outcome…"

And then he left the room, closing the door silently behind him.

 

_______

 

Roger walked down the stairs as if in a delirium.

He couldn't think. He couldn't feel. Everything was numb somehow. And even though the sun was shining brightly through the huge windows in the hallway and near the front door, he didn't really recognize the light that was cast inside. What in the world was light useful for when he'd just now lost his very own spark?

He to the living room and opened the huge sliding doors slowly and with almost no sound. Walking into the room, it suddenly felt empty. Huge and meaningless. Or maybe it was himself just noticing the emptiness inside on a much more intense level than ever before? He couldn't tell for sure…

All he knew was he had probably hammered the final nail in the coffin by setting terms. And not just any terms. This decision was final. And could not be undone. He didn't even have a clue what else he could have said instead. Please stay? I'm begging you not to go? I'm gonna die without you? …

He sighed and sat down on the couch, fixating the floor.

He'd lost this. This had turned into an absurd game about how long he could keep an innocent stranger in the house. Maybe he should have let him go right after he'd brought him here… or maybe he should have just walked past him…

Roger's head sank. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth.

This was not true. None of it was. No matter how many what if's he went through in his head, they would not change the facts.

He had become the most important person around him. In this house. Pathetically spoken in his life even… He should have noticed the signs earlier. But he had never wondered why exactly he had felt so drawn to helping him… Or why on earth he had found a stubborn, quick witted and serious young man so fascinating.

Now he knew…

Now it was too late…

Roger heard the steps of someone entering the room. He turned his head slightly and looked in the worried faces of his roommates. All of them. Except one…

His face spoke volumes though. He didn't dare to say anything and just looked at them sadly, shaking his head once and looked down again.

"What have you done?" Scott whispered, looking petrified.

Roger heard him. But he didn't know what to answer. What were they expecting to hear anyway? He closed his eyes for a long moment, literally feeling their eyes on him like pinpricks.

"We...we were expecting…," Kevin started but bit his tongue. He couldn't finish this. He looked away shortly before turning to Roger again. "You…you were up there the whole night, weren't you?"

Again, Roger just stared straight ahead, giving a picture of pure misery. His head sank a little more.

"Did you….," but there was no need to finish the question. Everyone in the room could tell the answer right away.

All of them looked at each other and their faces became even more worried. This wasn't exactly a good sign here. Not in the slightest.

"Where is he now?" Brian asked after a moment. He didn't sound less worried than Kevin, but also Roger wasn't so sure about what. How could he be? He couldn't even properly face them. Right now all he had in mind was about to leave him for good. And he just waited for that clicking of the front door falling shut. He couldn't deal with them. With all of this. Not now and probably not ever. As much as he loved all of them, he just wished they would disappear right now. And leave him alone. In a life he had created for himself an no one else.

"Roger?" Brian asked again, a little more demanding now. "Where is he now?"

"He's still up there," Roger replied a little stressed out. He closed his eyes once more, rubbing over his face. If only he could sort that out on his own.

"Oh enough of this," Shirley gelled, pushing Brian aside and addressing him now directly. "What happened? What have you done?"

There was a long, horrible moment of silence before Roger opened his eyes again.

"I told him to go," he answered.

If any of them had moved that very moment everyone in the house would have heard it. They became so silent, it seemed nobody even breathed anymore. They just stood there with their eyes growing bigger but he second. All of them stared at Roger, waiting. For what? An explanation. A laugh. Something to tell them this was not true. That he didn't just said this.

"You…. What?" Shirley was the first to gain her voice again. "You sent him away?"

"I didn't," Roger answered. "He can stay. I've told him…. I've told him he could… if he wanted to… but if not…. He'd have to go."

"When?" Shirley asked.

"Today!"

They all gasped.

Roger still didn't face them.

But then, Scott managed to detach from the little group and started to walk straight towards him. Roger looked up to him slowly when he stopped right in front of him. But instead of calming words he'd usually expect from his friend, he looked mad. His eyes were burning and he held his hands by his side in shivering fists. And even before Roger could back away, Scott seized him by his shirt and almost lifted him up from the couch.

"Are you fucking serious?" Scott yelled at him.

"Scott…," Kevin whispered, while clutching to the arm of Brian who didn't look less surprised.

But Scott ignored them.

"You gave him an ultimatum?" he kept on yelling at the older man. "You decide something like that in the matter of a couple of hours? Without speaking to us first?"

He let go of Roger who harshly fell back on the couch, staring at him with wide eyes and not daring to move.

"You wanted him to stay! You were sick with worries yesterday," Scott's face turned red already. Never before had they seen him like this. "And now you don't give a shit anymore? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's best this way," Roger managed to say quietly, but the others joined in right away.

"You mean this?" Kevin stepped forward. " Roger, why …why didn't you tell us first?"

"This doesn't concern you," he answered.

"I beg you pardon?" Kevin was disgusted. "I thought we were in this together? All of us…. Including Carmen! And now this is about you alone?"

"My house, my rules," Roger answered, looking down again. If only they'd stop. He couldn't tell them.

He heard another roommate approaching him and wanted to duck, when he got slapped across the face once more. He didn't even dare to look up anymore, but just remained lying there with his now aching face on the couch.

Shirley stood next to Scott now, her hand still raised and with tears in her eyes.

"You bastard," she shrieked. "You indescribable bastard!"

"Shirley, that's enough," Brian jumped after her, trying his very best to hold the small woman back from attacking Roger again because he didn't show any visible reaction.

"You seriously are like this, aren't you?" she screamed, while Brian had his arms around her. "You've had your sick eyes on him the whole time! And now that you've got what you wanted, you throw him away like every other of your worthless hookers? You are disgusting!"

"Shirl', stop it," Kevin tried to talk to her, but she was now crying in rage.

"No," she whirled around. "Don't you see he's planned this?"

"Maybe you got this wrong," Kevin tried still. "Maybe you should calm down a little…"

"And what, Kevin?" she screamed. "Let him get through with this? Let him act like this again and again, only to hear we're not even worth talking to because we're only living here out of his generosity? To not count in a decision like this? God damn it, Kevin!"

"She is right, you know," Brian said then, still holding on to her. "As much as I hate to admit this… but he could have just asked him. A lot earlier if his intentions had really been good…"

Roger closed his eyes again. He couldn't bear this. He couldn't bear them. Or even himself right now… he slowly propped his body up from the couch but remained sitting there bent over…small and insignificant. Let them talk… Let them judge. It didn't matter….

"And he doesn't even say anything now," Shirley went on. "He doesn't give a shit about any of us…about him! For God's sake, Roger! This is not about any of your little floosies! This is not about a stranger! It's Carmen, you huge idiot!"

"YES, I KNOW IT'S HIM," Roger whirled around and got to his feet faster than they'd expected, now openly attacking them too. "It's always been him! You don't have the slightest idea about my motivations or thoughts in this. So with all due respect, Shirley! Stay out of this!"

"Hey, don't talk to her like that!" Brian yelled back now, pushing her a little behind himself. "She's obviously not so wrong considering your reaction right now!"

"Yes, and you could have found a solution to this a lot earlier!" Kevin jumped in.

"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Roger gestured wildly now. They obviously had managed to get hi really angry "YOU HAVE NO IDEA… ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. ABOUT WHY.."

"THEN TELL US WHY," Scott shot back and he actually managed to take Roger by surprise.

They stared at each other furiously for a second.

"Tell us everything," he repeated. "Come on, now is the time! Since we are apparently only bystanders anyway, living here coincidentally… Tell us why you've used someone younger who you were supposed to help… someone living here for an eternity with us, but who obviously doesn't count too… Family!"

"I didn't …," Roger started a little uncertain, but got louder soon, "Will you stop that? I didn't use him, okay?"

"You've fucked him and now want to throw him out?" Shirley yelled behind Brian. "Its kind of hard to see the difference here!"

"I GAVE HIM A CHOICE!" Roger shouted. "A SIMPLE WAY TO DECIDE WHAT HE WANTS! NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS! You were the ones always telling me he needed to decide for himself…. So, spare me this! He's got it now!"

"But with consequences he has to deal with forever," Brian shot too. "And he gets a few hours to decide something like this?"

"He's had months to get a clue of what he could expect here!"

Scott jeered now, waving his hands helplessly, looking away once.

"You're a coward!" he said then.

"What?"

"You are unable to decide for yourself," he went on. "And now the easiest way for you is to put all the pressure on an already traumatized boy who probably was just about to trust anyone again.."

"It's not like that…," Roger looked away, becoming more silent.

"Do you even get what you're doing here to him?" Scott asked then, not letting go of this. "What you're doing to us all?"

"I …"

"Forget it, he's only thinking about himself here," Shirley cast him an evil look. "That's all he ever cared about anyway. Why would he even care if any of us was gone? Or Carmen? He could be out there again by tonight… being beaten up…getting lost or worse. It doesn't matter how well he did here… it's all about what is best for Mr. I-Want-To-Be-Entertained-Until-You-Bore-Me!"

"I don't… I…"

Roger closed his eyes and covered his ears with his hands now.

"I never thought I'd see the day," Shirley said then.

"Shirley, stop," Scott said now urgently.

"But I don't want anything to do with you," She went on.

"Stop!" Scott's voice grew louder.

"Never again!"

" SHIRLEY! STOP IT!"

And finally, she stopped. All of them looked at Scott now a bit perplex. But Scott stood there, staring Shirley in the eyes with the most desperate look ever, holding her hands down and thus preventing her from moving. His eyes had changed. They've changed in a way, all of them could tell something was going on and they immediately calmed down. Scott just looked at them and then nodded in Roger's direction once.

As their heads turned, they almost swallowed all the remaining anger they've carried inside right now.

Roger had sunken to his knees. His body was bent down and his head was almost touching the carpet on the ground, while his hands were embracing his own body as if he feared to fall apart any moment. And he was crying.

They all backed away a step, gasping.

Never before had they seen him like this. He always been that great, warm guy who had done so much for all of them. And although he had his flaws, he never had desperate outbursts like this. It was shocking and almost heartbreaking to see. Even Shirley swallowed hard now, fighting hard not to feel remorse.

Roger didn't really move. All that could be heard echoing through this huge house, which seemed a little colder right now, was his sobbing. And it was as though the house was grieving with him right now…

"R-Roger?" Kevin whispered.

What the hell…

"Hey, we…. I mean," Shirley spoke softly now, rubbing her neck. This was making her insecure all of a sudden. "I… I didn't…

God damn it…Nobody was that heartless…

She walked slowly towards him. Tip-toed almost until she stretched out her hand and hesitantly placed it on top of Roger's shivering back. Gently, she began to stroke it.

"Hey, it's alright," she said in the calmest voice she could accomplish. "I didn't mean it… God, Roger, you know I would never… I… We only care about him too…"

"She's right," Scott knelt down now too. "This just seems so… incomprehensible. "

"I know…," Roger sobbed, not looking up. "I know… I know how that must seem…"

"We would never not care," Kevin went on. "About him I mean. Not after all this time…"

"Or about you," Brian added and for once all of them nodded in union.

It was then Roger looked up at them. Tears were still streaming down his face, but it practically screamed one word at them: gratitude.

"I'm sorry," he whispered then. "About what I've said… You've absolutely deserved to know… I just… I couldn't…"

Scott put his hand on his shoulder and forcing himself to a small smile.

"Then please," he spoke. "Dare to tell us why…"

"Because…," Roger swallowed hard and once again, tears were welling in his eyes. He couldn't even try to describe the pain inside accurately. "Because I couldn't take it. I could not see him being unhappy. Always…always wondering whether this here was right for him… always afraid something might change."

"Rog," Brian sighed.

"If you had seen him," Roger continued, staring at Scott still. "Being so torn about someone he feels he needs to be and the person he really is… If you had seen what he can do… If.. If only you knew how incredibly humble I feel every time he stands next to me… You wouldn't have done it either. You wouldn't have forced him to stay. To be in a place he would constantly wonder about…"

"Oh," Scott held his breath. "You… you are…"

"I don't want him to feel like that, okay?" Roger went on. "I don't want him to live in doubt. He can stay and God knows I'd wish for nothing more… But he should never again feel like a prisoner. He doesn't need to think he owes me anything. I would do this again. Over and over again, if only I could see him smile again…"

They didn't say anything anymore.

All of them had listened to him in complete silence and now it felt like the whole house was listening. Their eyes were wide and their mouths slightly open. They didn't know how to react to that.

"Why couldn't you say this?" Brian asked after a moment. "Instead of making it seem like an ultimate decision "

"Because he will go," Roger answered with almost no voice. "He feels hurt and I can't even hold it against him."

They signed still. Digesting everything.

"I just…," Roger took a breath, rubbing over his face with his palm once. "I cannot see him leave…"

"He probably won't be out of the world," Kevin whispered. "So why not? If that's really what he wants…"

"Because…," Roger closed his eyes. And even thinking about it made more true than anything ever before. And he didn't know what else to tell them but the naked truth. "Because… I love him!"

They gasped. Shirley clutched her hands to her mouth in a feminine way she's hardly ever shown before. Brian stiffened immediately and teared his eyes wide open. Kevin started to cry just as though he'd only been waiting for this. And Scott… Scott smiled at him warmly, softly touching Roger's cheek and turning his head to face him again.

"I knew it the whole time," he whispered, stroking his cheek for a moment. Roger looked so desperate right now. And yet so much wiser than ever before. "I am sorry…"

"Do…. Do you mean this?"

Their head whirled around as Carmen's voice cut through the deafening silence. All their eyes were immediately on the door. Roger looked like he'd frozen for a moment, but then it didn't take him more than a heart beat to stand on both his feet again, fixating the door as though his life depended on it.

Carmen wasn't anywhere to be seen, but he obviously was there. He must stand in the hallway like he'd done it so many times before. Nobody had noticed him or heard him coming. He always had had a way to be completely silent if he liked to. So he was probably out there, leaning to the wall. And God only knew how much he had heard here…

Roger took one deep breath.

"Every word," he answered then, speaking to someone who wasn't there.

All of them held their breath.

"Why?" Carmen's voice sounded again.

"Why what?" Roger asked, sounding completely lost.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Carmen asked.

"How was I suppose to explain this?" Roger almost whispered back. "You wouldn't have believed it anyway."

"I seriously believed you were only after …. After… you know."

Roger shook his head, obviously having forgotten Carmen could not see him.

"I'd never do this to you," he answered and suddenly sounded more like a young boy, scared to get punished. "Not to you…"

"Why not?" Carmen whispered back, not believing what he had just heard.

Roger looked down and for once, everyone in the room could see him blush.

"Do you want to me to say it again?" he asked then very quietly.

"Yessss," Carmen answered but didn't sound reproachful or angry suddenly. His voice sounded more like he was fighting back every single emotion he'd ever felt in just one moment. "I'd love to hear it once more…"

Was he crying?

Roger looked up again.

"Because," he took a deep breath. "Because I love you… I wish I didn't but I can't help it. And I want you to be happy… That's the only thing that matters to me. Even if you hate me… or never speak to me again… It won't change anything…"

Everything fell silent. Carmen didn't answer. Nobody even seemed to be alive in this huge house anymore right now. Roger watched the door, biting his lips.

After several seconds, he sighed and looked down.

"I love you," he repeated. "If that's the last thing you'll hear from me, then I'll repeat it a thousand times…"

He heard Carmen jeer and sniff right after he'd said it.

"Why would you repeat it a thousand times...?" he asked and suddenly Roger could hear footsteps in the hallway, slowly moving towards the entrance to the living room.

Carmen appeared in the doorframe and stopped there. He was still holding on to the frame, but smiled at him with huge eyes, while tears were still running down his cheeks. He was wearing the black suit, Roger had given him. It made him look a lot slender. The golden chains he was wearing were contrasting on the elegant silk and glittered in the morning sun. Roger couldn't even grasp it properly. But what he saw was the real him. Without a shadow or the attempt to hide anything. This was him… Carmen Ghia. Who stood tall, only having eyes for Roger right now and smiled the most honest smile they had ever seen on him.

"… When… when it took me exactly fifteen seconds after you've left the room to know," Carmen went on. "I cannot leave you. I couldn't weeks ago. And I can't now…"

Roger felt like falling that very moment. He couldn't believe what just happened here. He swore his heart skipped a beat right that second.

Carmen stepped closer to him. But before he could reach him, Roger had unconsciously already opened his arms wide and still stared ahead with wide eyes when Carmen sunk into them gently, hugging him back tightly.

"How could I go," he whispered then. "When everything I think about is you? When I know perfectly well… have known for weeks… that I love you too… Even though I didn't anticipate it. Ever. I didn't even want to believe it. It's still so."

Roger bent his arms slowly and looked down at him. He softly touched his cheeks. And then lifted his chin a little to look into his eyes. To make sure this wasn't a dream. To make sure he was awake and had indeed gotten blessed like this right now.

Carmen stared back at him, smiling widely, while a tear still run down his cheek. Roger wiped it away gently with his thump.

"I love you," Carmen whispered once more.

This was it, he couldn't waste any more time. Roger shook his head hardly visible, while breaking into the widest smile ever. He then bent down a little and closed his eyes, until their lips touched.

He felt Carmen embrace him even more, flinging his arms around his neck and pulling him even closer to himself.

He could swear the others exhaled that moment for the first time. He even thought he saw tears in Shirley's eyes, as Scott handed her a handkerchief inconspicuously. And he swore he saw Kevin and Brian exchanging a five Dollar bill, but he wasn't to sure about this. What did it matter anyway?

All that mattered was this here. This unbelievable luck. This once in a lifetime thing, that wasn't over as he had feared, but just now starting.

And he felt humble. Roger Debris was just humble right now… only it wasn't just him anymore.

It was Roger and Carmen now. Inseparable…

He felt Carmen so close to him. He knew he never wanted to let him go again. And he knew, somewhere deep inside, that they were meant to be. Somehow. He didn't know why, but he knew he would never stop to try…

And in his mind, he was thanking that one summer day… That one moment he had decided to take a walk through this huge city with its millions of people.

That one day that felt like something big was gonna happen. Something important.

Something life changing…

~ The End ~