It’s been thirteen months since Jonas was born. It’s been the best thirteen months of Brittany and Santana’s lives. He’s so sweet and calm and beautiful. Everything about him has been beyond their wildest dreams. They feel so lucky and so grateful, and Santana is beyond happy that she gets to stay home with him every day. Everything just… feels perfect. It’s late in the afternoon, and Santana sits on the floor of the living room. Jonas crawls up her legs, and looks up at her with his big brown eyes.
Santana grins at him, “Hi, sweet boy. Look at you, crawling up so good.”
Jonas smiles back at her with that big smile and those dimples, making her chest ache with how much she loves this little boy. He’s better than she ever could have imagined.
"Do you know who’s coming home soon?” She coos, even though he’s yet to verbalize anything.
He bounces up and down excitedly and babbles. “That’s right, mommy!”
He squeals and bounces so hard he plops down on the floor. Santana scoops him up and hugs him close. She loves how much he loves Brittany.
“What do you say we try to walk again, my baby J? You’ve almost got it, baby boy.” She sets him on his feet and scoots back. “Come to Mama.”
He grins at her and stands up unsteadily. Santana just watches him, standing there without moving. He’s such a beautiful child. And not just because he’s hers.
“Alright baby, come to mama!” She holds out her arms, and Jonas just keeps smiling at her as falls back down. She leans over and kisses his head.
“Good try!” He presses his face to her chest. “Are you hungry, my sweet guy? How about we eat and then we’ll try again, hmm?”
She lifts him up and goes to sit in their chair. Then she lifts up her sweatshirt and strokes his hair. He just watches her with those deep brown eyes. His little hand grasps her hair, and he just holds it. Something about this time of day, when the sun is starting to go down, and they’re just sitting together in the quiet is her favorite.
“My gentle little guy.”
He hums and sighs quietly. His eyes flutter when she brushes her fingers through his curly hair. She never imagined she’d love someone like she loves him. But he is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She looks at the clock on the wall, Brittany should be home anytime now. She wants to try and start dinner before she gets here. It’s cold out, so maybe something warm, stew or chili. She always wants to warm up Brittany’s bones. And Jonas loves stew.
She nods to herself, she has everything she needs. Once he’s done nursing, they’ll go cook. He loves being in the kitchen with her, he’s just such a good baby. He’s so easy. She can’t even believe a child this easy came out of her. He’s a little Brittany with how laid back he is. It amazes her that this happened. That he’s just like his mommy. Like she had him herself. She’s so grateful for it, she knows Brittany was worried about it. But he has so much of her personality, and he just adores her.
When Jonas finishes nursing, he lifts his little head and looks around. “You looking for mommy, baby love? She’s not home yet, but how about we make some dinner? You wanna help me make some stew?”
He babbles a little and keeps looking around. She kisses his head and pulls her sweatshirt down before standing to head into the kitchen. She grabs the carrier from the hook on the wall, and straps him to her hip
“There we go, how’s that, hmm?”
Santana just loves cooking with him. He’s so interested in what she’s doing. But he never reaches. He just watches and babbles and laughs. She starts to cut up vegetables, and she tells him the names of every one. She never saw herself as a mom like this, but being one…She can’t imagine being anything else. Once everything is in the pot, she cleans up a little and takes him back to the living room.
“What should we do now, my love? Should we try to walk again?” He wiggles in her arms and laughs. “Okay then.”
She smiles, unbuckling him from her side and setting him back on the soft rug Brittany brought home as soon as he started crawling.
“Alright love, ready to try again? Come to mama.” Santana leans forward and kisses his belly. He slowly stands himself up and giggles at her. “Look at you go, my sweet boy.”
It took him awhile to get this, and she was getting worried, but he’s getting it, “Okay, come to me Jonas! Come here baby boy!”
Jonas just looks at her, and Lord Tubbington comes up and noses him. He giggles and reaches for him. He falls down on his butt, and Santana laughs a little, “Aww baby.”
He just takes it in stride and grabs the cat. Lord Tubbington rolls over on his side, and while Jonas gets distracted, Santana snaps pictures of them. She can’t help herself, she has so many already. She’s just so in love with him. The cat gets bored with Jonas after a few minutes and eventually wanders off. Jonas pats the floor over and over again. He’s not at all verbal, but he always makes himself known. Santana leans over and kisses his head. The door opens, just as she’s kissing him. His head shoots up and he lets out an excited squeal. He catches Santana’s chin a little, but she just smiles at how excited he is.
“I hear my baby boyyyy” Brittany calls, and Jonas keeps squealing and giggling until she comes into the living room with a big smile, “There he is!” Santana’s heart thuds in her chest as Brittany lifts him up. Brittany kisses all over his face and holds him close, “I missed you so, so much. How was your day with Mama?”
He just babbles away and giggles so much. This is Brittany’s favorite part of the day Being back home with her loves, god, there’s nothing like it. She sits down on the floor with him and kisses Santana.
"Hi baby, how was your day?”
“It was long and cold, so I’m extra glad to be home.”
“I’m sorry love, we’re extra glad you’re home too. And Jonas and I made some beef stew to warm you up.”
“God, you’re the best.”
Santana shrugs, “It was Jonas’ idea.”
“Oh, it was, was it?” Brittany coos.
“Mmhmm.” Santana smiles, watching her with him.
Brittany kisses all over his face. “You’re such a good boy.” His eyes flutter and he’s just so happy to see his mommy. “What did I miss today?”
“He’s getting really good at standing up on his own, and we tried to walk some more.”
“You’ll get it, buddy.” She keeps kissing him. “Anything else?”
Brittany always just wants to know everything when she gets home. She hates leaving. She’s glad its winter and she can come home earlier but it’s still so hard.
“His rash is getting a little better, I’ve been using breast milk like Rita said.”
“Ohh, that’s great news.”
“Yeah! He seems less uncomfortable. It’s like magic.”
Brittany kisses him again, “You feeling better, little guy? Mama is magic isn’t she?”
Even after a year has passed, Brittany is still amazed what Santana can do with her body. She loves to see it. She still can barely wrap her brain around the fact that this is real. She never tires of the feeling of her son in her arms. Since the moment he was born, she’s never wanted to let go. Waking up every morning to him in bed with them is the best thing. Everything feels so perfect.
“Did Gram call you, honey?” Santana asks.
“She did, yeah.”
“Do you want to go protest Rachel’s thing with her in the morning? She said she’ll watch Jonas so we can go to dinner tomorrow night if we want.”
“Yeah that sounds good, it’s been a while since we’ve had a date night and I know Jonas loves his Gram time.“ Brittany murmurs, and Jonas giggles. "Yeah? You want some Gram time? Hmm?” She blows a raspberry on his belly. “What do you think, should we bundle up and go out to the barn tonight so Mama can get some work done?
"Oh, you don’t have to do that Britt. You’ve been out all day.”
“This isn’t work though, baby. This is fun, being in the barn with our boy.”
“If you’re sure…”
“I am, we gotta go visit all the animals, right Jonas? Tell them goodnight.” He throws his hands up and gurgles. Brittany laughs, “Yeah, that’s right!”
“Thank you, Britt, I could really use the time.”
“Of course, sweetheart.”
“I know you haven’t had a lot of time since I’ve been so busy with the end of the season. And I want to make sure you know that I know your job is important.”
“You always make sure I know that, baby. Thank you. And I do really, really appreciate some time tonight.”
“Anytime you need it, just let me know, okay?
"Thank you, baby. But usually I really love being with you when you get home.”
Santana really goes try to get as much done as she can at nap time. Jonas is a good sleeper but she can only write so much at a time. As much as her brain will give her. She doesn’t sleep the way she used to, so she isn’t as sharp. She just wakes up at every sound. Always on alert, just in case. She knows Brittany is the same, and she tries to get her to sleep more. She operates heavy machinery. She has to sleep more. It’s a safety concern.
Sometimes Santana will take Jonas down to the living room at night if he gets up and won’t go back down. She can always nap with him during the day, Brittany doesn’t have that choice. And he does love to cuddle with her in their nursing chair. He loves to cuddle always. Santana loves when he’s sleepy and just lays in her arms. She loves to rock him, and sing to him. That bonding time is so important to her. God, every moment, she’s so glad that she can stay with him all day. She loves that she gets to teach him, and cuddle him. She loves writing, but this, this is what she was meant to do. Every new thing he does, she doesn’t have to miss. She gets to put him in the car and take him to show Brittany. Neither of them miss out, because she can stay home. It’s just…the best. She’s so lucky
“Mama’s thinking hard, huh Jonas?”
Santana smiles softly at the two of them, “Just thinking about how lucky I am.”
“I’m definitely the lucky one.” Brittany shakes her head. Jonas babbles and wiggles a little in Brittany’s arms. looks down at him and sees Santana’s eyes. This gift she gave her. God. Their boy. “It’s Friday, Jonas, that means I get to be with you for days “
He gurgles and squeals, he’s always so keyed up for hours after Brittany gets home. Brittany knows though, after she takes him to the barn, and she walks him all around, he’ll be tired out. Then she’ll be able to bathe him and get him ready for bed while Santana gets to continue working. She misses him all day long, this is their ritual at night, this is her time to catch up and be with him while Santana gets a break. Then they put him down to bed, and she gets some time with her wife.
Every night, no matter how tired she is, she needs time with Santana. They need that time to reconnect. She knows Santana needs adult time, since some days, she doesn’t get any before that at all. And Brittany loves it herself. She’s so glad it’s Friday. She’s so glad she can take Santana out to dinner tomorrow. They can relax and enjoy each other’s company. Santana will have wine and get a little drunk, and she’ll be so soft and warm.
Brittany loves how she slides across the seat in her truck to get closer to her when she’s like that. She gets so cuddly. She can’t get enough of that. She’s glad to see her be able to let her hair down. She’s so beautiful like that. She’s beautiful always but when she’s relaxed and carefree…she’s something else. Santana always gets so dressed up for date night too. Brittany smiles just thinking of it.
Santana laughs, "What’s that silly smile for?”
“I’m just really glad it’s Friday. And really glad I get to take you out tomorrow.”
Santana hums, “Me too. I should go check on dinner, I’m sure you’re starving.”
She just wants to make sure Brittany gets warmed up. It’s freezing out and she knows she’s too restless to have stayed in her office all day. She always worries about her body when she spends too much time outside. It’s so hard on her, she knows it is. But she always comes home smiling. Smiling at Santana and their boy. No matter what.
“I’ll go change this wet diaper I feel while you do that.” Brittany blows another raspberry on Jonas’ belly. He giggles so loud and Brittany laughs with him.
“Can you do me a favor and just toss the diaper in the wash instead of the bin when you’re done? I’m going to run a load after his bath tonight.”
“Yeah of course! We can do that, can’t we Jonas?” Jonas grabs at Brittany’s face, and mashes his lips against her. She giggles, “I love your kisses baby boy.”
Santana’s heart squeezes in her chest. The two of them together is her favorite sight. Her loves.
“Okay, Mr. Jonas, let’s get you all dry!”
He just babbles away at her while she changes his diaper and she talks back to him the whole time. Santana goes into the kitchen, and she’s so glad the food is done. She gets everything onto the table just in time for Brittany and Jonas to meet her back in the kitchen.
“Ooh, is this what you and Mama made, Jonas?” He giggles and points at the table. “My smart little guy.” Brittany beams, and looks at Santana.
“He takes after his mommy.”
Santana sets a bowl of stew at her place and kisses her lips, “It’s true.” Jonas puts his hand on Santana’s face, and she coos, “Hello my sweet boy. "Are you hungry? Should we get you in your chair?”
He wiggles and points at the table, and Brittany buckles him into the chair, “Okay, smart guy! Let’s eat!”
Santana has his cooled down already. She hands him his spoon and sits beside him.
“It smells so good, baby.” Brittany hums, as Santana reaches for her plate so she can serve her.
Brittany smiles softly at Santana, “Thank you baby.”
“Of course, love. How much do you want?”
“Lots, I’m starving and it looks delicious.”
Santana smiles and makes her a big bowl with two pieces of bread, “Good?”
“Perfect,” Brittany grins.
Santana makes her own plate, and watches Jonas. He’s such a good eater. He’s spooning the food into his mouth and smacking his little lips. He eats whatever they do. He’s not picky in the least. Santana loves that. She’s glad he’s such a healthy eater. He’s going to be a big strong kid. Just like his mom.
“Baby, this is so good.”
Santana grins, “Thank you, I’m glad you like it.”
“I always love what you cook.”
Santana blushes a little. She loves taking care of Brittany like this.
“Right, Jonas? Mama’s a good cook?” He smacks his lips and sticks another spoonful in his mouth. “You’re so hungry, huh? You’re eating good, buddy.”
“He’s really getting it, Britt.”
“He is, our smart little guy. I’m…so glad.” Santana reaches over and squeezes her hand. She knows Brittany has been a little concerned that he doesn’t talk. He babbles and laughs and sticks another spoonful in his mouth, grinning at both of them in turn. He’s just so sweet.
“You want some more, baby boy?” Santana spoons some more into his bowl. He digs right in and keeps smiling. “Such a good boy, our Jonas.“
They finish up dinner, and Santana is just so happy. She gets up to clear the dishes and Kisses Jonas on the cheek.
"Santana, baby, leave it. I’ll take care of it.”
“You don’t have to do that, Britt.”
“I want to make you a fire, so you can work in the warmth. Isn’t that right, Jonas? We wanna make sure mama is warm and comfy?”
“Britt, you’ve worked all day.”
“So have you, sweetheart. You’ve been taking care of our boy all day.”
“We’ll go build you a nice fire before I go out, okay?”
Santana leans over and kisses her so softly, “You’re too good to me.”
“Just want you comfortable, baby.”
“Ready, Jonas?” Brittany lifts him out of his chair and takes his dirty bib off. He gives her a big grin. “Then we’ll get you all dressed and feed the chickens.”
He giggles and wiggles in her arms. Santana watches them go into the living room and just smiles after them. Her beautiful family. She washes the dishes quickly and goes to the living room. Brittany is just finishing getting the fire going with Jonas in the pack and play, clapping behind her.
"What do you think of that, J?” He squeals and laughs.
“That’s some fire.” Santana leans against the door frame.
Brittany turns and grins at her, “It’ll be nice and cozy in here for you…and maybe for us later?”
“That sounds perfect. Gimme a kiss, baby boy, before you go outside.” Santana lifts him from the pack and play. She kisses his cheek and he turns her face and smooches his lips against hers. “Have so much fun with mommy. I love you both so much.”
“We love you too, mama.” Brittany takes him and smiles. “We’ll be back in a bit.”
“Thank you for this, Britt.” Santana knows she does it nearly every night, but still.
“Of course baby.”
Santana grabs her computer and sinks down into the couch cushions. She watches Brittany zip Jonas into his coat, and carry him out the front door. God, she loves them. She can see through the window as they walk down to the barn. It’s dark early now, but Brittany has the outside lights on. Always so safe with him.
Outside, Brittany chatters away to Jonas. She wants him to know everything she can tell him. He seems so interested in everything she’s saying.
“See that, Jonas? The birds are flying south. It’s going to get colder soon so they’re going to where it’s warm. And we’re going to keep warm inside. I’ll make sure you and mama and me are so warm and toasty. Just like we built her the fire tonight. That was pretty cool huh? When you get bigger I’ll show you how to build a fire. We’ll burn all the leaves together outside. That’s really fun. We’re going to have to do some yard work on Sunday. Can’t have our farm looking like Mommy isn’t a landscaper. You wanna help Mommy with the yard work? Hmm?” She kisses his forehead. “Mama likes to help too.”
He looks intently at her with his big brown eyes. She loves him so much. She pulls his hat down to cover his ears all the way. He grins at her with his wide toothy grin.
“Alright, into the barn. Who should we see first? The chickens? The cow? Hmm?” He just giggles and points to the barn, and Brittany laughs, “How about the chickens?”
She brings him in and grabs the chicken feed in her other arm. He reaches over and pats the bag and giggles, he knows what it’s for. Brittany puts him down where he can hold onto the beam of the chicken coop. He bounces up and down and points at the chickens.
“That’s right, Jonas, the chickens. You ready to feed them?”
She opens up the bag and lets him reach in. He knows how to do it. He reaches his little hand in and grabs a handful of feed. He grins the whole time, and holds it for a long time, and Brittany tosses more out to the chickens so they don’t bother in. He finally tosses it out with his little fingers spread wide. He giggles and reaches in again. Brittany smiles softly at him
“You’re so good at helping, baby boy.”
He flings another handful out to the chickens and laughs at the crowd gathering around them. They’re so careful with him. It surprises Brittany every time. They never peck at him or bowl him over. He keeps his one hand on the chicken coop and the other scatters more food. Brittany takes a video to show Santana later. She doesn’t want to disturb her while she’s working. Brittany let’s him keep feeding them. She loves this. She loves that he loves this. It’s so beautiful. He fits right in here. Her baby boy. Her son. The love of her life. She kneels down and kisses his cheek.
“Are you ready to milk the cow?” He looks up at her and points at the other side of the barn. “That’s right, J! Remember, we have to stand back from her.”
She scoops him up and carries him over to her stall. She opens the top half and hops over, leaving Jonas sitting in a pile of straw.
Brittany pats Sophia’s back softly, “Hey Soph”
Jonas looks up at her with big eyes. Sophia lets out a low moo, and Jonas startles a little, but he doesn’t cry.
“It’s okay buddy, she’s just saying hi.”
Jonas just blinks hard. She smiles at him and gets everything in place.
“Okay Jonas, listen for the milk in the bucket. Ready?” She warms her hands and starts milking. “Do you hear it, baby?”
He babbles a little. Brittany keeps one eye on him as she fills the bucket. He has his little chin raised just watching her
“Good girl, Soph.” She pats her head and puts the bucket down on the other side of the gate, lifting Jonas. “Want to see her now?”
He points at Sophia, grinning and squirming in Brittany’s arms.
“That’s right.” She brings his hand to her face. He pets her so gently. “She’s so soft, isn’t she?”
He babbles and hums. He looks between her and the cow. Brittany grins at him. This is her favorite thing in the world, bonding with her boy, showing him the things she loves, the things she always wished for. She lets him pet her until he gets bored. He starts wiggling in her hold and pointing and she knows he wants to move on.
“You’re all done here? Okay, let’s go take care of the rest of our work, hmm?” He points and grins up at her, and she laughs. “We’re on the same page then. I love how much you love it in here, J.”
She carries him out of the stall and picks up the bucket as she goes. She needs to get the cow feed and put hay in her stall. She’ll muck everything out in the morning.
“Okay buddy, let’s go get Sophia’s food.” He nuzzles into her and she knows he’s starting to get tired. “Almost done and then we’ll go take a bath and go to bed, baby boy.”
He doesn’t lift his head, and Brittany just loves when he’s snuggly like this. She kisses the top of his head and grabs Sophia’s feed. She fills her trough and turns on the hose to fill her water, before she pitches hay in with her, still holding Jonas close. It only takes a few minutes before they’re all done and on their way back up to the house, Jonas keeping his head on her shoulder.
“You ready for your bath, baby boy? Hmm?”
She goes in the back door and brings him up the stairs to the bathroom. She loves this time of day. Checking the water carefully, she runs the bath with Jonas still tucked against her body. She hums softly to him and he curls closer against her. Even though he’s so big now, he’s still like a brand new baby when he’s tired. He just wants to be cuddled by his moms.
“Let’s get you undressed, J.” She strips him down to his diaper and turns the water off. She checks the temperature and nods to herself. “Alright, ready baby boy?”
She lowers him into the tub so carefully. His little eyelashes flutter at the sensation of the warm water.
“How’s that? Nice warm bath water, right?” He looks up at her with sleepy eyes. “I know, you’re tired. You must have had a busy day with Mama.” She dips a washcloth into the water and “We’ll be fast tonight, okay?”
She washes him gently and then pours water over his head, shielding his eyes. He blinks rapidly at her. She washes his thick curly hair and rinses the soap out.
“There we go, baby.” She knows he’s exhausted because he’s not even playing in the water. He’s just looking up at her. “My love, are you ready to get out now?”
He reaches his little arms up. She leans down and scoops him up into his fluffy towel. He lays back on her shoulder. She brings him into the bedroom and wipes the remaining water from his dark skin. His eyelids are so heavy. She pins a new diaper on him, and gets him into his warm pajamas, kissing his head.
“Okay, love. Let’s bring you to Mama.”
She lays him on her shoulder and carries him downstairs. Santana has her computer on her lap with her glasses on. She’s focused so intently on the screen. Brittany doesn’t really want to break her concentration. She knows it takes her time to get into her writing mode. She creeps into the kitchen to stall for a bit. If Jonas wasn’t so tired, she’d stall longer. He wants to say goodnight to his mama, and she knows Santana wants the same. And he never sleeps right if he doesn’t nurse before bed. She kisses his head and makes her way back into the living room.
Santana looks up and smiles softly, “Hey guys. Look at my sleepy guy.” Santana opens her arms for him, and he reaches his arms out for her “Hi my love.” She cradles him close. “Did you have fun with Mommy?”
“We did, right Jonas?”
Jonas blinks heavily and hums. He presses his little hand to her breast and blinks up at her, “Okay sweet boy, lets eat and go to sleep hmm?”
She undoes her shirt and guides him to nurse. He latches on and closes his eyes
“He’s had a day, huh?” Brittany sits down next to Santana.
“He has, he’s been a busy boy today. He’s so close to walking, Britt. I think it’s going to be soon, he’s ready to do it. He just has to find his bearings”
“He’ll get there, I know it.”
Santana strokes his little head, “He’s falling asleep.”
Brittany comes to sit beside them on the couch, “He’s so sweet. I still love watching him nurse.”
“So do I. I’m going to be so sad when he’s done.”
“You’ve still got some time. He loves nursing with his Mama at the end of a long day.”
“Few more months, maybe.” Santana gives Brittany a meaningful look.
She runs her thumb over his cheek and looks off into the distance. Brittany bites her lip and swallows. They’ve been skirting around it, but…the conversation will come soon. She’s expecting it, she doesn’t want to start it though. She’ll let Santana bring it up. Whenever she’s ready. Brittany leans over and kisses her cheek. She looks down at Jonas and he’s barely awake.
“Go to sleep sweet baby, I love you.” Santana whispers. His latch loosens a little, but his lips still suckle. His whole body is slack. Santana watches him drift off until he completely passes out. She hands him back to Brittany without jostling him.
Brittany holds him close, “I’ll be right back, love.”
“Thank you, baby.”
Brittany stands up with him and keeps rubbing his back, “Of course.” She brings him upstairs and lays him down in the co-sleeper on Santana’s side of the bed, “Goodnight, baby boy. I love you.”
She watches him sleep for a few minutes before heading back downstairs. Santana is on her computer again. She’s so intent in her work. Brittany decides to go clean up the kitchen while Santana works. She wants her to have as much time as she needs. She gets the dishes put away, and the table wiped down. Then she goes to start the load of diapers. She checks in on Jonas just to make sure he’s still sleeping soundly. Then she pours two glasses of wine and goes into the living room. Santana looks like she might be wrapping up, but she doesn’t say anything just yet anyway. Just in case.
“Hey babe.” Santana doesn’t look up from the computer screen.
“Hey sweetheart,” Brittany sets the wine down on the coffee table and goes to put another log on the dying fire.
“Just give me like…five minutes, I want to finish this chapter. Then I’m all yours.”
“Take your time, babe. I’m not going anywhere.”
Santana reaches over and takes a long sip of her wine. Brittany just watches her. She loves how focused she gets. The way she bites her lip. She knows she doesn’t get much time for her work, so she makes the most of every minute. She definitely won’t interrupt her. She messes around with the fire, and goes to get her hand lotion from the downstairs bathroom. They’re so chapped from the cold. Just as she gets back into the living room, Santana is putting her laptop away.
“Sorry about that, Britt. I was just in a train of thought.“
"No don’t be sorry, I’m glad you got a chance to work on your stuff.”
“Me too. The days just seem so short lately.”
“They do, for sure. If you want longer time on the weekends, just let me know. I can take Jonas to Grams or something.”
“Thanks Britt. She told me she can take him during the week too, I just…like being with him.”
Brittany gives her a soft smile and kisses her cheek, “I totally get that.”
“And now…” Santana pats the couch beside her. “I’d really like to be with you.”
“I think that can be arranged.” Brittany curls onto the couch beside Santana and opens her arms
Santana snuggles into her side and hums. She loves the feeling of being held. Brittany’s arms are such a haven. All of the stress from the day just melts away. She loves the smell of her, like outside and wood. It clings to her hair and her clothes. It’s so soothing.
“How was your day today, Britt?”
“It was pretty good, mostly paperwork I just want to get the billing wrapped up, at least.”
Santana nods, “I get that.”
“I might take a day off during the week next week though. I really want to take Jonas up to that bird sanctuary before it’s too cold.”
“Aww he’s going to love that so much.”
“I think so too. I don’t know if you want the day to yourself to work, or if you want to come…”
“I think I’d really like to come with you guys.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Brittany smiles and kisses her temple. “It’ll be a nice road trip.”
“It will, it’ll be nice to get away for the day with my loves.”
“I’m so glad he’s so good in the car.“
"He’s good everywhere.” Santana smiles softly. “Sweet boy.”
“Santana?” Brittany taps the back of her hand.
“You’re sure it’s okay that he’s not talking yet?”
Santana looks up at her and nods, “I’m sure, he’ll talk when he’s ready too. He communicates just fine, the words will come. He’s just contemplative and quiet, that’s all.”
“That’s true.” Brittany looks off into the distance, and Santana squeezes her hand.
“Are you worried about it, baby?“
Brittany sighs, "Not worried, I just…want to keep an eye on it I guess.”
“I know. And we’ll get him evaluated if we need to.”
Brittany nods, “You’re right, I know, you’re right. He’s going to be fine.”
“He is. He’s so smart.”
“He is, he knows all the animals, San. Like, we go out there and he knows where the chickens are and where Sophia is. And how to feed them.” Brittany bobs her head up and down, mostly to herself. “Oh, look, I took a video for you.”
“Ohh, you did?”
“I did.” Brittany slides her phone out of her picked and hands it to Santana. “He was being really cute.”
Santana presses play on the video and she just breaks into a grin, “Look at our boy. He loves it in there with you, babe.”
“I love having him out there with me, and I really love that he has fun out there.”
“He definitely does. He points to the barn whenever I have him outside, but I like that it’s your thing with him, so we don’t go in often.”
“You can, I don’t want you to think you can’t share that with him too.”
“No, Britt, it’s really important to me that you have special things with him. He and I have special things too, don’t worry.”
Brittany kisses the top of Santana’s head, “Thank you.”
“Of course, baby.”
“You’re tense tonight, Santana.” Brittany notices, and Santana rolls her shoulders a little.
“Little bit, I guess.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
Santana shakes her head, “I’m okay, I think I’m just tired or something.”
“Do you want to go to bed?”
“No, no, I’m good here. Sorry, I don’t know why I’m being like this.”
“You don’t need to apologize, honey.”
“I guess I just hate deadlines.” Santana sighs, and Brittany nods. “I hate thinking about it when I’m with him.
Brittany chews on her lip, "Honey? If you need some time to just focus on this. I don’t have to be at the office every day. ”
“You’ve got to finish up the billing, Britt.”
“I will. One or two days isn’t going to make that big of a difference. Your job is important too, Santana. I know you’d rather not have to ask Gram, so let me take him out a few days this week and give you some space.”
“I just…don’t want to set you back just because I’m feeling anxious.”
“You’re not, I’ll get it done. I can always bring it home if I need to. It’s just paperwork.”
“I’d rather you get your book done. That’s important. Billing is billing.”
“Thank you for that, Britt. I think I’d feel better.”
“Anytime sweetheart, just let me know when you need time and I’ll make it happen.”
“You really are the best, Britt.”
Brittany leans down and kisses her softly, “Do you want more wine?”
“Maybe a little bit.”
“Okay.” Brittany pushes herself up. “Do you need anything else?”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
Santana pulls her knees up on the couch when Brittany gets up. She sucks in a breath and watches her go into the kitchen. She is something else. She can’t even explain how good Brittany is to her. She just feels so lucky to have her. Even after three years of marriage, she still falls more in love every day. Especially now with Jonas. She’s just…the best wife, the best mother, the best person. She’s lucky to be married to her. She takes such good care of them. Brittany comes back with two fresh glasses of wine and a grin.
Santana laughs a little “What’s that look for?”
“I just love when you have your glasses on.” Brittany quirks an eyebrow, and Santana grins and pushes them up her nose. “So sexy.”
Santana bites her lip and shakes her head, “You are.”
Brittany sets down the wine and kneels over Santana. Santana rests her hands behind Brittany’s neck.
“I’ve got a thing for you in dirty jeans.”
Brittany hums, “Yeah?”
“Mmhm.” Santana kisses her neck. “Such a turn on.”
“Well…my jeans are pretty dirty…”
“They are, aren’t they?” Santana hums, hooking her thumbs into the loops of them and pulling her closer.
“Uh huh, super dirty.”
“I bet they’d look even better on the floor.“
Brittany nips her neck and hums, murmuring, "Leave your glasses on.”
Santana nods. The want she sees in Brittany is almost too much to bear, “C'mere.”
Santana kisses her deeply, and Brittany threads her hands through her hair. Brittany groans into her mouth. Santana pops the button on her jeans and smirks into the kiss.
“You’re so sexy. And I’m going to show you just what you do to me.” Santana promises.
Santana rolls Brittany into the corner of the couch so she can get out from under her and pull her own shirt over her head, careful not to knock her glasses off. Brittany’s eyes are dark as she watches her. It’s the sexiest thing she’s ever seen, Santana always is. Santana slides Brittany’s jeans down her legs but never breaks eye contact. Brittany sucks in a breath, and feels her skin burn under Santana’s touch.
“God, Santana. What you do to me…”
“Just wait…"Santana plays with the buttons on Brittany’s flannel. "Gorgeous.”
Brittany reaches out and trails her hand across Santana’s stomach. She feels like she can’t touch her everywhere she wants to. The sensations are overwhelming. She needs her closer. Santana presses her thumbs under her breasts and kisses her neck again. Brittany’s eyes flutter closed. She just feels everything Santana does to her. She slowly unbuttons Brittany’s shirt and opens it so she can kiss the tops of her breasts. Brittany just groans, and presses her hand into the back of Santana’s head. Santana nips at the skin there and presses soft kisses to soothe the bites. She loves the way Brittany hisses and whines. She loves making her feel this way. It makes her feel good to see Brittany respond to her this way. And so often it’s Brittany who’s insistent on taking care of her first, so when Santana does, she always wants it to be mind blowing. Especially now where they usually end up doing this on the couch, or in the laundry room, not in their bed. Brittany’s fingers thread through her hair and she’s struggling to keep her eyes open.
“God, you’re sexy.” Santana hums into her skin. She always makes sure to tell Brittany that.
Santana just keeps her eyes on Brittany the entire time. She kisses her stomach and her hips. She sinks down to the floor, and hears Brittany’s gasp. She hums against her inner thigh and presses a kiss there. Brittany forces her eyes open to watch her. Santana just kisses all over her hips and thighs and watches every single reaction. She loves seeing her like this, flushed all over, with her shirt open. It’s the most beautiful thing. She feels Brittany’s thighs tense, and she smiles. She gets so worked up, just from this. She feels her hands squeeze in her hair.
“Can’t help it,” Brittany pants. “Seeing you like that it's—”
Brittany swallows hard and shakes her head. Santana raises her eyebrows and ducks her head. Brittany groans and her head drops back. Santana keeps working her up. She just wants to make this so good for her. She can’t take her eyes off of her, the faces she makes just for her. It’s almost too much for her to handle. She takes her time, and god, when Brittany falls apart, she feels like she might too. She slides up her body and kisses her deeply.
“Oh God, baby.” Brittany moans into the kiss. Santana hums into her mouth, and Brittany shivers. “You’re so good at that.”
Brittany kisses her lips and pulls her as close and she can. Santana’s jeans rub against where she’s so sensitive, and she groans.
“Let me help with that…” Brittany doesn’t waste a second. She unzips Santana’s jeans and works her hand inside. It always makes Santana feel like a teenager when she does that.
She hisses and bucks into her hand, “Fuck.”
Brittany nips her ear and catches her back before she falls, murmuring in her ear, “You feel so good.”
Santana just gasps every time she hits the right spot. Brittany keeps her lips on her neck and she doesn’t waste time. She builds up her quickly. It’s exactly what Santana needs. She breaks apart with a loud groan and slumps onto Brittany’s chest. Brittany pulls her close and cradles her face.
"I love you”
“Love you too.” Santana mumbles, closing her eyes.
Brittany rubs her hands up and down her back under her shirt. Santana trembles. She’s just really spent. She could fall asleep right here, right now. She’s so comforted by Brittany’s touch. She loves the feeling of being held like this.
“Do you want to go to bed, sweetheart? Or stay here for a bit?”
“Just hold me like this a little.”
“I’ll hold you as long as you want.”
“I really needed this tonight, Britt.” Santana sighs.
“You feel less tense.”
Santana rumbles with laughter, “Well you’re very good at stress relief. ”
“I try.” She kisses her temple.
“I feel bad when you’re stressed.”
Santana lets out a long breath, “I’m sorry, I need to figure out a way to handle it.”
“We need to figure it out together.” Brittany strokes her back, and Santana nods a little. “I just want to make it as easy as I can for you while you’re working on your deadline.”
“You’re really the best Britt”
“No Santana, you are. For giving me Jonas, for staying home with him.”
Brittany runs her fingers through Santana’s hair and kisses her again, “This is the least I can do, Santana. I love him so much. I love both of you so much.”
“I love staying home with him, Britt, I don’t want you to think I don’t.”
“I would never, ever think that, honey. But that doesn’t mean the whole burden should fall on you. I wish that I could be home more to give you more time to work and to spend extra time with him. So any extra opportunity I get is a win-win for me.”
“Babe, you’re running a business.”
“And you’re writing a book, which is kind of the same thing.”
“Still…I thought it would be easier, I guess. I don’t know…Maybe it’s just the deadline.”
Brittany wishes there was more she could do to make her feel less pressure. Even now, as she’s on top of her with her top off and her pants undone, she can see the wheels spinning. They’re always spinning. She’s so anxious about so many things.
“I really…want to get this done, so we can talk about having another baby.” And there it is. The thing neither of them have been saying for months. “We said we wanted to have them two years apart, and Jonas is thirteen months old.”
“We’ve still got a couple of months baby. And it’s okay if it’s not exactly two years.”
“I know, I do…and I honestly can’t believe I’m talking about taking something else on right now, but I feel so sad sometimes when I realize how big Jonas is.”
“I understand that, I do. He’s getting so big so fast. I just don’t want you to stretch yourself too thin, baby. That’s all. You remember how tired you were when you were pregnant?” Brittany reminds her, and Santana bites her lip and nods. “I just don’t want you to overwhelm yourself.”
Santana nods again and sighs, “I don’t know, Britt.”
“I’ll support you no matter what, San. ”
“When you’re ready for another baby, we’ll have one.”
“Thank you, Britt. I don’t know what I want to do but it means everything to have your support.”
“You know you always will, baby. I told you when Jonas was born, anything you want to do, I’m with you.” Brittany kisses her softly. “Are you ready for bed?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Okay. I want to take a shower, I’m all gross from the day.”
“Okay babe.” Santana yawns. “I’d join you but you wore me out.“
Brittany laughs a little, "Glad to be of service.”
Santana gives her a little smile, “The best ”
“Can you walk?”
“I think so…”
“Do you want me to carry you?” Brittany offers.
“You don’t have to, babe. I know you’re tired.”
“What if I want to?”
Santana laughs a little and wraps her arms around Brittany’s neck, “If you really want to.”
“I would love to.”
Brittany sits up and carefully stands up with Santana in her arms. She holds onto her as she grabs their discarded clothes. Santana rests her head against Brittany’s shoulder. Brittany carries her up the stairs, but she sets her on her feet, instead of on the bed so she doesn’t wake Jonas.
Santana kisses her softly, “Thank you.”
Brittany just smiles, and goes into the drawer to give Santana her pajamas, and take her own.
“Can I just pee before you shower?”
“Yeah of course.”
Brittany crouches over Jonas while Santana goes into the bathroom. He’s sleeping soundly and she just watches him. His little chest rises and falls, and his hand clutches his lamb. It makes her heart squeeze in her chest. This little boy is theirs and she still can’t quite believe it. She leans down and tenderly kisses his mop of dark hair. He lets out a little sigh but doesn’t wake up.
Santana comes out of the bathroom and just watches her. She loves that look when she looks at Jonas. Like he’s the moon in the sky. She watches her brush his hair from his eyes, and check his blanket and lamb. She’s such a great mom. Brittany turns around, and her eyes meet Santana’s. The way Santana’s looking at her…God.
“He’s still sleeping.” She mouths. Santana smiles wider and nods. She just loves this woman so much.
Brittany kisses his forehead lightly and carefully stands up, “I’ll be back in a little bit, baby.”
She walks to the bathroom and Santana gives her a kiss, “You’re such a great mom, Britt.”
“You are. He’s so lucky to have you. I love watching you with him.”
“I just love him so much.” Brittany smiles softly.
She looks back at him on the bed. Their boy. Santana sits down on the edge of the bed and smiles again.
“I’ll be back in just a few minutes, sweetheart.”
Santana nods, and gets under the covers beside Jonas in the cosleeper, “My sweet boy.”
She takes his chubby hand and just studies it. He’s getting so big. He’s almost walking. It hurts her heart. He’s going to be a toddler soon… She’s not sure how to handle it. She swallows thickly. She’s getting her period, she know she’s especially emotional, but still…It sucks. At least she brought up the baby thing though. Now that’s out there, and it’s part of the plan. She just needs to finish this book… It’s her third book, her second novel, it shouldn’t be so hard. She just figured it’d come easy. But it’s definitely the hardest. It’s different now, having a baby.
She sighs and chews on her lip. She’ll figure it out. She doesn’t want to ask Mercedes to negotiate an extension. That’s too much work. She’ll handle it. She always does. She looks at her son. She has to be good at what she does for him. She’ll do it, whatever it takes. She lays her head against the pillow and takes a deep breath. She needs to figure out a way to manage her time better or…deal with this weird writer’s lag. The summer was basically lost, she couldn’t have asked Brittany for more time, and she felt bad asking Gram all the time for help. But it’s winter and Brittanys home a lot more, once she’s done with billing she’ll be home for the season. She’ll be able to shut herself up in the office and know that Jonas is with his mommy. She’ll feel so much better.
She hears the shower turn off, and she sighs. She doesn’t want Brittany to see that she’s still like this. She swallows and takes a deep breath and tries to clear her mind a little. She wants to just lay in her wife’s arms and hold her baby’s hand a sleep. She just needs that tonight. It’s Friday. Brittany will be home all weekend. It’ll be okay. Brittany comes out in a tank top and sweats and finishes toweling her hair.
“I thought you’d be out by the time I got back in here.”
“I wanted to wait for you. I like when you’re holding me when I fall asleep.”
Brittany gives her a crooked grin and puts the towel in the hamper, “I love that too.”
She’s so careful as she crawls up into bed beside Santana. She always is, she never wants to jostle Jonas. She gets settled and opens her arms for Santana Santana crawls in and rests her head on Brittany’s chest. Brittany wraps her up.
“Ugh feels so nice.” Santana hums, and Brittany nods.
“Go to sleep, Santana honey, I know you’re tired.”
Santana curls closer and kisses Brittany’s neck, “Love you.”
“Love you too, baby.”
Brittany just watches Santana doze off. She hopes she sleeps well tonight, she has a lot on her mind. She falls asleep herself, and wakes up with empty arms. She blinks a few times and looks over into the cosleeper. She can’t believe she didn’t hear Jonas wake up. She must have been really knocked out. She hates when she does that and Santana has to get up alone. She hates that when Jonas wants to nurse, Santana is the one who has to have her sleep interrupted. wishes she could do more…
She grabs a sweatshirt and peeks across the hall into Santana’s office. Jonas is nursing and Santana is quietly singing to him. He still wakes up for this sometimes in the night. Brittany thinks he just wants to be held. She just pauses in the doorway and watches them for a few minutes. She doesn’t want to disturb their bubble. Santana strokes his head, and just stares at his little face, suckling away. Brittany just loves watching this. They’re so beautiful.
“Sweet boy, Mama loves you so much.” Santana whispers to him.
Brittany smiles to herself. Noticing her presence, Jonas turns his little head. Santana looks up to see Brittany standing in the doorway.
“Baby, you didn’t have to get up.”
“I know, I just wanted to.”
“Come sit then.” Santana pats the office couch beside her.
“I don’t want to intrude…”
“You know you’re never intruding on this.” She pats the couch again, and Jonas keeps one eye on Brittany as she approaches.
“Hi baby boy,” She whispers as she settles on the couch. You’re sleepy and you’re still eating, huh?“
He hums and points his finger at her lazily. Brittany wraps her hand around his finger and squeezes gently.
She gives him a little grin, "I’m right here, baby boy.” Santana leans her head on Brittany’s shoulder. She’s so tired. “Is he still nursing at all?”
“Not really. He just still does this at night, where he stays latched on.”
Brittany nods, “Comfort nursing”
“Always. He’s not even hungry at night, I think it’s just habit for him.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is.”
“I’m not ready to give it up either.”
Brittany kisses the top of her head, “You can bring him back to bed if you want and nurse there.”
Brittany hates that she’s so tired, and Santana yawns again, “If you’re sure it won’t bother you.”
“Not at all. Really, honey, I’ve been telling you for a year that you should stay in bed with him.”
“I just…you work hard and you need all the rest you can get, Britt.”
“You work hard too, baby. I hate that you feel like you have to drag yourself out of bed.”
Santana shrugs a little. Brittany gets so frustrated by this. She wants Santana to know her work raising their son is so valuable. It’s work. It’s not just her staying home not doing anything and Brittany gets that. She shouldn’t have to feel like she can’t disturb her. She knows in the summer Santana was really adamant about it, and it bothered her then too. Slowly, Santana stands up, still cradling Jonas to her breast. He blinks up at her but doesn’t make a sound. Brittany puts her hand on her lower back and guides her into the bedroom.
“Let’s lay down, loves.”
Santana sits down on the bed and scoots back against the headboard, “Mommy wants us to lay with her, J.”
He’s falling asleep, but he’s still latched on. Brittany lays down beside them and kisses his head, “I love this. I don’t get to see it as much as I’d like.“
She hopes that Santana will start staying in bed with him when he wakes up. It would make her so happy to wake up to this sight. She’s been taking him into the office since Brittany went back to work in the spring. It’s just not necessary. Most nights, she doesn’t even wake up. Even so she’ll be fine if she misses a few minutes of sleep. Especially for this. Santana just rocks him so gently. He’s basically asleep at this point, just still latched on.
"I hate to move him when he’s like this.” Santana whispers.
Brittany nods. She gets it, he looks so peaceful. When he was little, she used to lay him across her stomach and let him sleep like this. It’s such a great feeling to have him so close.
“You don’t have to stay up, Britt.”
“I know, I want to. I love these moments.”
“I don’t have to work tomorrow, I can stay up.”
“If you’re sure…”
“I’m so sure.”
Brittany lays on her side with her head on her hand. “I still can’t stop staring at him.”
“Me neither.” Santana yawns wide.
“Do you want me to take him baby?”
Santana doesn’t want to do that. She doesn’t want her to have to stay up, “I can lay him down if you want to go back to sleep.”
“I’m fine baby, but I know you’re sleepy. I was just offering.”
“Whatever you want, Britt.”
“How about I hold him for a few minutes, and you can go ahead and lie down, if that’s okay. I don’t want to take him away if you’re not ready though.”
“You can take him. You don’t have to feel like you can’t.” She eases Jonas off of her breast and kisses his head before handing him to Brittany. She feels so bad to go back to sleep. But she’s exhausted.
Brittany carefully settles him on her chest and kisses Santanas cheek, “Go to sleep, love.”
Santana can’t even argue. She’s so tired. She drifts off quickly. Brittany holds Jonas for a long time. She just watches him sleep on her chest. Their rapidly growing boy. She understands the pangs Santana feels. He’s not going to be a baby much longer. He’ll be walking before long, and then running and then school and…God. It’s all going so fast. She understands exactly how scary it feels. She’d love to have another baby right now. She just…it’s a lot of stress on Santana. She doesn’t want her to feel more overwhelmed. This book is stressful enough. She wants her to do this on her own time. And if she decides that she doesn’t want to do this again, that’s okay too. She’ll support her no matter what. She’s so beyond grateful for this little guy.
Brittany knows she should put Jonas down and go to sleep. Maybe just a few more minutes. She smiles at the way his dark hair clings to his sweaty face. Little mini-Santana. With his little lips parted in sleep just like hers are. She hopes that all of their kids look this much like her. It’s beautiful. She’sbeautiful. Every day, she remembers how lucky she is. She rubs Jonas’ back lightly. She should really go to sleep. She doesn’t want Santana to wake up in the morning and find her to be exhausted. She carefully lifts Jonas off of her chest and gets him settles into the cosleeper. She tucks his lamb beside him, and kisses Santana’s head before she settles back into her spot.
Santana turns and curls into her side. Brittany brushes hair from her face and closes her eyes. It doesn’t take long before she drifts off with Santana in her arms.
When Santana wakes up in the morning, she feels Brittany’s chin pressed against her head, and she knows Jonas is still sleeping beside her. She hardly breathes, not wanting to disturb this. These moments are rare, when Brittany isn’t getting up for work, or Jonas isn’t already waking up. When she can just enjoy her two loves sleeping beside her. Brittany’s body is so warm, and feels so safe. She sighs contentedly. She feels so much less frenzied than she did last night. She wishes she could stay just like this forever. She closes her eyes again and just soaks in the moment.
Today will be nice. Today they’ll go to Gram’s protest, and out on a date. She smiles to herself, they haven’t been on a date in a while. Everything has just been so busy. She’s glad they have tonight to relax. Maybe it’s exactly what she needs to get herself together. Last night certainly helped. And a night out is good. Especially knowing Gram will take such good care of Jonas. She’s really the only one she trusts with him. They can really just enjoy themselves without worry. She’d like to do something nice for Brittany too. She’s always so thoughtful. She deserves it. She can’t even describe the kind of amazing wife and mother she is. Last night, when she took Jonas in the middle of the night…She’s just too much. It hits her right in the chest every time.
She has to try to be better about listening to what Brittany wants, and not doing what she thinks she wants. She sighs. She needs to be better. Sometimes she really feels selfish, and Brittany is the opposite of that. She keeps getting stuck in this. She takes a deep breath. She’s going to be better. She will. Brittany is just too good.
She looks at Jonas, and she knows he’ll wake up any minute. She carefully shifts to sit up against the headboard, careful not to wake Brittany. She watches as Jonas stretches his arms out and screws up his face. He’s so cute she can hardly stand it. He makes his little waking up grunts and groans. She doesn’t want to rush him, she just waits for him to wake up all the way. It always takes him awhile. He loves his sleep. Just like his mommy. She looks over at Brittany splayed out on her stomach beside her. Jonas reaches his arms up without opening his eyes, and Santana’s breath catches. She loves how he does that. How he trusts that one of them will lift him up.
“Good Morning, sweet boy,” She murmurs, reaching to bring him to her chest.
He just lays his head in the crook of her neck and grumbles. He’s a little wet through his pajamas, but she won’t change him while he’s half asleep.
“I know, its so early huh?” He looks like such an angry old man in the mornings, and Santana loves it. “So grumbly this morning.”
She presses her fingers against his stomach, checking if he’s gassy, “You have some tummy bubbles? Hmm?” She rubs and pats his back, breaking up the gas. “There we go, is that better?”
He curls into her and pats her neck. Kissing his head, she holds him close. She hears Brittany grumble beside her and roll over. She laughs at how alike the two of them are.
“W'time is it?”
“Just about seven, you don’t have to wake up, baby.”
“Nuh uh, I’m up.”
Santana leans over and kisses her softly, “Morning”
“Mornin’, my loves.” Jonas lets out a little noise and reaches over to pat Brittany. Brittany sits up and opens her arms for him. “Hi baby boy, you wanna come to mommy? Hmm?” He pats her some more and grumbles. “I know huh? C'mere let’s be grumpy over here.” She lays him on his chest, and takes over patting his back. “You’re wet, hmm?”
“Yeah I was just waiting for him to wake up a little more before changing him.”
“Baby, I wasn’t criticizing.”
“No, I know, I just…wanted to tell you. He was also a little gassy and I was kind of giving him a little time just in case. I wonder if it’s not all the carrots he ate last night.”
“Hmm, it might be. You had a big dinner, didn’t you Jonas?” He grumbles a little bit more and Brittany laughs. “So cranky.”
Santana laughs and nods, “He’s definitely not feeling this early morning today.”
“We’re going to see Gram today, buddy.” Brittany murmurs, and he blinks up at her. “You like that idea?” He grumbles a little more and pats her. “You like that, grumbles?” His face screws up in a yawn, and he lets out a big fart. “Ohh there we go, do you feel better now?”
He breaks into a big smile, and Brittany snorts and kisses his head, “There’s my happy boy! Good Morning!”
He babbles and keeps patting her. Santana just watches them with a soft smile.
“Alright grumble guts, let’s change you.” Brittany lays him down and tickles his belly lightly. He giggles and reaches for her hair. “That tickle? Hmm?”
Santana lays a clean diaper beside them, “I’ll get him some new pajamas too, Britt.”
“Thank you, baby.” Brittany smiles. Santana gets up and grabs a clean pair of pajamas from the laundry basket on the floor. Brittany gets Jonas out of his wet clothes into his dry diaper. “There we go. Much better, isn’t it?”
He giggles and sits himself up. He reaches over for Santana, tugging at her top. “Hungry now baby boy?” He presses his face into Santana’s chest, and she laughs. “Okay, okay.”
She pulls her shirt down and settles back on the bed. Jonas crawls into her arms and begins to nurse, sighing happily and sprawling out.
“How about I make you breakfast, baby?” Brittany offers.
“You don’t have to, Britt.”
“I’d really like to. You know you love my pancakes.” She winks.
Santana grins, “They are the best. I’ll walk down with you though, Jonas and I can sit in the kitchen with you.”
Santana cradles Jonas so carefully as she gets out of bed. He looks around a little but stays where he is. He’s getting heavy now, it’s not as easy as it used to be to maneuver the stairs while nursing him. He’s getting so big, she’s glad he at least stays pretty stationary while he’s nursing. Sometimes her back aches though. But she just…doesn’t want to give it up. Not yet. She’s still making milk. And he still looks for it. It’ll feel like giving up her baby when she stops. She just… can’t handle that right now. Not with everything else going on too. She just needs to finish this damn book.
She sucks in a quiet breath. She can’t get into that funk this morning. Not when Brittany’s home and happy and making breakfast. And they’re going to Gram’s protest. And date night later. It’s going to be a good day. She doesn’t want to ruin it. She sits down with Jonas at the table and just watches Brittany start taking things out of the cabinets and the refrigerator. She hums to herself and she’s so beautiful with her sleep-tousled hair and pajamas on. She loves how comfortable in her own skin she’s become.
“I love you.”
Brittany’s whole face just lights up, “I love you too.”
Santana just feels so grateful. This woman is everything. The way she looks at her after she says she loves her back. It hits her straight in the chest. She’s so confident now, and it makes her so proud. It took a lot, but she’s so much happier now. Everything is just easier for her, and being a mom has made it even better. It makes Santana’s heart ache seeing it. She doesn’t know how to explain it.
Jonas pats Santana’s face softly, and she kisses him, “You see me looking at mommy?” His eyes shift a little so he can see Brittany and he points. “That’s right! There’s mommy making breakfast! She’s feeding us!“
"You want a pancake, baby boy?” Brittany calls, and Santana claps his hands together. “Pancakes for my smart boy, coming right up.”
“How’s that sound Jonas?” He points and hums, and Santana lifts him a little. "Do you want to sit in your seat, or are you still nursing?“
Brittany brings a pancake over on one of his plates, "Here we go buddy.”
He points over to his chair and giggles, and Santana laughs, “Okay, let’s get you in your chair.”
She pulls up her top and slips him into his chair, kissing his head as she buckles him in. He giggles and pats his tray with both hands.
“Let me cut this up for you, my love.” Santana laughs.
Brittany sets a plate of pancakes down for Santana, “I’m going to make some bacon too.”
Brittany stalls at the table for a second. “Let me just get your coffee…”
“How about you sit and I’ll get us both some coffee?”
“No, Santana, I want to serve you breakfast. Please?”
She nods and smiles softly, “Of course, baby.”
“Thank you.” Brittany kisses her lips, and goes to the coffee pot.
Santana cuts up Jonas’ pancakes for him, “You’re so excited for mommy’s good pancakes huh? Me too!” Jonas grabs a whole fistful of the pieces and giggles. He loves them. “Alright baby boy, let do one at a time okay?”
He opens his hand and drops the food, and Santana kisses his head, “Thank you. My good boy.” Jonas picks a single piece up and sticks it in his mouth, humming at the taste. “Mommy’s pancakes are the best!”
Brittany sets their coffee on the table and kisses Santana’s cheek.
“God you’re the best.”
“Just wanna take care of my loves.” Brittany shrugs.
“Eat though baby.”
“I am, you want honey or syrup?”
“I’ll get the syrup.” Santana gets up before Brittany can stop her, and grabs it from the cabinet.
“You need anything else, honey?”
“Not at all. Just you.”
Santana settles back at the table, and digs into her pancakes, “So, what time are we meeting Gram?”
“Eleven, I think, I’ll call her after breakfast and make sure.”
“I’m really excited Britt”
“Me too! It’s going to be great,” She grins.
“It really is. We haven’t taken him to one in so long.”
“Since he was just a baby. I think he’ll like all the noise.” Brittany looks over at him banging his tray.
“Yeah me too, he’ll have a blast.”
They finish up breakfast, and Brittany needs to go out to the barn to do the milking. She kisses both the baby’s sticky face, and Santana’s lips, before she pulls on her boots and heads out. Santana tosses the dishes in the sink, and goes over to Jonas’ high chair.
“Let’s get you cleaned up, baby. How about a quick bath?” She unbuckles him and lifts him out of his seat. “That sounds good, hmm? Bathtime before Grams?” He pats her over and over and smiles. “Full and happy huh? We’ll get all snugly warm to go to gram’s march.”
He claps and giggles as Santana brings him upstairs and runs the bath. She doesn’t bathe him often, Brittany usually does at night, so it’s really nice when she does. He’s so funny in the tub.
He claps and splashes water on himself, then giggles at being wet. He’s just such a happy little boy. Santana wants him to stay this way always. She carefully pours water onto him and he just squeals and laughs. She could watch him for hours, but she knows she has to wash the syrup out of his hair and get him out.
“Alright sticky, lets wash that hair hmm?” He just beams up at her. Lathering up her hands, she carefully washes his hair and his body. He helps by smearing soap all over his belly. “Look at you, I’ve never seen you do that before Jonas! Are you helping? Hmm? Are you washing your little belly for mama?”
God, she just wants to scoop him up and hug him. He’s so smart and intuitive. He’s picking things up so quickly. She feels like every day lately, he can do something new. It’s just the most amazing thing to watch.
“There we go, baby love, let’s rinse you off.”
She gets him rinsed and scoops him into a fluffy towel. He’s just so beautiful. He nuzzles into her chest and God, she loves him so much. She just can’t get used to this feeling ever. Even when she’s tired and stressed, he makes it better. He just makes life better. Everything about it. She carries him into his unused room, and grabs a pair of his jeans, and the feministsweatshirt Gram bought for him over the summer.
“Let’s get you rally ready, baby boy.”
“Your Gram is going to be so happy to see you wearing this. Hopefully it won’t be too cold to keep your jacket off.”
He wiggles around on the bed and he’s in such a good mood. She’s so glad his belly is feeling better.
“Alright, Jonas. Ready to go see Gram?” He reaches up his hands and squeals, making Santana laugh. “Yeah! It’s going to be so much fun!”
She gets him into his clothes, and sits him on the floor so she can get dressed. He immediately stands himself up and bobs up and down on his little legs.
“You really are getting good at standing.” She ruffles his curly hair, careful not to knock him off balance. She’s so proud of him. “You’re doing so good, you’re gonna be walking soon, I know it. That’ll be really cool, huh? I bet you’ll love walking in the snow this winter.”
He claps and falls on his butt. A little pout forms on his face. “Aww, my poor baby. You’re okay, lets stand back up hmm?” She crouches down and lets him pull himself up on her forearms. “There we go, big boy. Good job!”
He leans forward and grabs hold on the side of the bed. He’s so cautious always. As he stands there, holding on, Santana takes the opportunity to start getting dressed herself. She’s just pulling her shirt off when she hears Brittany come in.
“Ohh good timing on my part.” Santana turns around and laughs. Brittany waggles her eyebrows and grins. “Nothing you’ve never seen.”
“Doesn’t make it any less exciting.” Brittany smiles, knowing that Santana still gets a little self-conscious about her body. Brittany kisses her shoulder softly. “So beautiful.”
“I love that I can see how your body changed when you made our son.” Brittany’s hands glide down her sides. “It stuns me every day.”
Santana turns around in her arms, “Brittany, how do you make me feel this way?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
Santana kisses Brittany’s lips and murmurs “The baby’s here.”
“I’m saving up for date night later.”
“Maybe we should go to dinner early…”
Brittany kisses her ear, “Yeah?”
“I think that sounds like a really good idea. The sooner the better.” She murmurs.
“As soon at the protest is over.”
“Sounds perfect. That’ll give us lot’s of time…” Brittany smiles as Jonas pats at her legs. She kisses Santana once more before looking down at Jonas, “Well look at you, big boy! Do you want to come up?” He stretches his arms up her leg. She bends down and picks him up. “Hey you.” He giggles and pats her face, and she kisses all over him. “Look how handsome you look. And you smell good too. Did you take another bath while I was visiting your friends in the barn?”
“We had lots of syrup in our hair.”
“Ahh, the syrup hair. Was that you? Syrup head? Hmm?” He giggles and pats Brittany’s head. “Head? That’s right! Head! Where’s your head?” He puts both of his hands on his head. “Jonas! So smart!” He giggles and pats his head over and over. “Can you find your nose?” He stops for a second and opens his mouth “Close.” She taps his nose, “It’s right here.” He squishes his nose with his hand. “There you go! This—” She taps his lips, “is your mouth.”
He opens his mouth and sticks his fingers in and giggles. Brittany spins in a circle holding him, while Santana gets dressed. Santana just watches them out of the corner of her eye. God, she wants to have another baby with Brittany. It’s such an ache. She wants Jonas to have a sibling, she wants to feel a baby grow inside of her again. She wants to feel Brittany kiss her belly. She sighs quietly. Soon she guesses. Not soon enough. If she was closer to finished, she’d say they should start now. But…She chews on her lip. Stupid deadline. She knows if she’s pregnant she won’t focus. She’s barely able to now just thinking about being pregnant again.
She’s going to finish. Before Christmas, she’ll finish. She has to. No more excuses. She’s going to make this deadline. Then she can do this. That has to be her motivation. She takes a breath and pushes it away. Now isn’t the time for this. She looks at Brittany and Jonas and smiles. They’re spinning slowly around the room and laughing together. Her family. She really is so grateful, even if she’s being weird. She finishes getting dressed and takes a deep breath to clear her head.
“Look how pretty Mama looks.” Brittany grins at her.
“It’s true, you look beautiful, San.”
“I’m just in a sweatshirt, Britt.”
“And yet? Beautiful.”
“You’re killing me.”
Brittany gives her another lopsided grin, “Likewise.”
“Do you want to get dressed? I can take him.”
“Sure, you wanna go to Mama for a minute, baby boy? Hmm?”
Jonas reaches out for Santana, “Hi sweetheart, did you have fun with mommy? It looked like you did.” He giggles and pats Santana’s face and points at Brittany. “That’s right! There’s mommy! She’s getting her clothes on like we did.” He points again and Brittany waves as she slips her jeans on. “Exactly!” She kisses his cheek, “So smart! I’m so proud of you Jonas.” He smooshes his face onto hers. “Sweet boy.”
Brittany slips her hoodie over her head and comes over to meet them, “Are you squishing Mama?”
“Mm I love squishy kisses.” He keeps squishing Santana’s face and giggling. Santana laughs and tickles his legs. “Are we ready to go?”
“I think so.” Brittany nods. “Are you ready to go see Gram, baby boy?” He claps his hands and grins. He loves his Gram. Brittany laughs, “I take that as a yes!” He reaches out for Brittany, and she takes him. “Alright kiddo, let’s go!”
She bounces him up and down as she carries him down the stairs. She’s just so good. Santana grabs some snacks from the kitchen to take with them and his diaper bag and jacket on the way out the door. Everything Gram will need later is in there. It doesn’t take them any time to get to Gram’s house and Jonas points and squeals when they get there. Santana hops out of the passenger seat and unbuckles him. He’s so wiggly and excited. He knows exactly where he is. He keeps pointing to the house, and Charlie lopes out from the front. He’s getting so old, but he’s still excited to see Jonas.
“Charlie! Hey boy!” Santana calls out. Jonas makes a sound that sort of sounds like a woof, and tries to wriggle from Santana’s arms. “Are you talking to Charlie, baby boy? Here, do you want to get down?”
She sets him on his feet and Charlie hobbles over and licks his face. Santana is quick to steady him so he doesn’t fall in the gravel. He giggles and tabs onto Charlie’s fur. Brittany gets a little sad seeing Charlie with Jonas, knowing how old he is. But Jonas just has his hands buried in his fur and he’s looking up at Brittany with a grin.
“You love Charlie, don’t you Jonas?” Brittany coos as he smooshes his face against Charlie.
“Is that my favorite boy?“ Gram calls out, coming down the stairs. “Sorry, Charlie, I don’t mean you.”
Brittany chuckles, "Poor Charlie.”
Jonas sees Gram, and he gets so excited that he starts to cry. This happens every time, Gram and Charlie combined are just too much for him.
“Ohh my sweet boy,” Gram makes her way over to him. She lifts him up, and lets him nuzzle her neck. “I missed you. And look what you’re wearing! I love it!”
“He’s ready for today, Gram.” Brittany nods to herself.
“He certainly is! If you two are ready, let’s get going. I’d complain you’re late, but I’ve got this guy.”
“What do you think, Jonas, should we bring Charlie?“ Gram asks, and Jonas points and woofs. “When did you learn how to bark? Are your moms teaching you things and not telling me?”
“We actually definitely didn’t teach him that.“ Santana shakes her head.
"You’re just getting too smart, aren’t you kiddo? What are we gonna do with you?” He sniffles and giggles a little. “There’s my smiley guy.” Gram kisses his cheek and squeezes him close. "Alright Charles, let’s go!” Charlie lets out a bark and trots off to the car. “Here, go back to Mommy, Jonas, so I don’t tangle you up in those car seat straps.”
Brittany takes him from Gram and gets him buckled into the car seat, careful not to pinch his little thighs.
“You can take the front, Gram.” Santana tells her. “I’ll sit back here with Jonas and Charlie.”
“If you want to sit back there with that smelly dog, I guess that’s your choice,” Gram laughs with a wink.
Santana slides into the middle seat laughing, and Charlie hops up next to her, “You’re not smelly are you, Charlie?” Jonas cranes his head over from the car seat. “You see Charlie, baby boy?” Jonas barks again. Santana laughs as Charlie barks back. “Our son barks, Britt.”
“I love it.”
“Me too, another little barnyard animal.”
Brittany laughs out loud, “Don’t tell Kurt that. He’ll never come visit again.”
“What do you think of that? No more Uncle Kurt visiting and making all that noise with his blow dryer?” Santana kisses Jonas’ belly. He giggles and pats her face.
Brittany pulls into the dirt lot across from city hall, and smiles at how many people are there, “Good turnout today, Gram.”
“I should hope so! Someone has to tell Rachel Berry that she wants to build a landfill that will run off into the stream, and we won’t take it. She’s definitely going to hear it today.”
“Alright Jonas, we’re here.” Santana narrates for him. He barks again, and Santana can’t stop laughing every time he does it. “You’re so silly.“
It’s things like this that really convince her that he’s so aware. He may not be talking yet, but he’s absolutely aware and so, so smart. When Charlie jumps out of the car, she goes around to get Jonas out, but Brittany is already there. It’s a little chillier than Santana thought.
"Should we put his jacket on, Britt?”
“It’s up to you, honey.” Brittany always feels like it’s warmer than it is, and Santana always feels like it’s colder.
Santana chews on her lip, “I guess we’ll wait a little while and see. I’m sure he’ll be moving around.”
“If you feel more comfortable with it on him, we can put it on.”
“It’s okay, let’s wait.”
Brittany is still kind of funny about things like that, Santana is with him all day, sometimes she feels like her opinion is a lot more valid. But Santana always asks. She always asks what she thinks. She values her opinion so much. It means a lot to Brittany. Especially because she isn’t with him all day. She still gets to give her opinion, have input. Santana really trusts her. It seems silly, she’s her wife, the mother of their child but it’s still so important to know that. So Santana’s subtle little reminders help.
“You ready to go take Rachel down, Jonas?” Gram coos, kissing his cheek. He giggles so hard, and Brittany swears he understands. Gram laughs out loud, “That’s my boy.”
“Do you want him back, Gram?“ Santana asks.
"Sure, I want to make sure Rachel sees his shirt when we walk up.”
“Gram.” Brittany laughs. “I think Rachel might be a feminist, even if she’s kind of a tyrant.“
"Then she’ll appreciate it!”
“I think Gram is using our son to throw Rachel off guard.” Santana whispers.
“I’m pretty sure you’re right,” Brittany laughs. “I’m kind of okay with it.“
Charlie stays at Gram’s side, while she bounces Jonas along. He’s so protective of the baby. He always has been. Whenever they’re at Gram’s, he sleeps by Jonas wherever he is. Brittany threads her fingers with Santana’s and pulls her close.
“Hey baby.” She whispers into her neck.
Santana hums, “Hey you. Your hands are so cold.”
"You’ll warm them up.” Brittany shrugs, and Santana slips their entwined hands into the pocket of her sweatshirt. “Much better.”
There’s something about the cold weather that Brittany loves. She sucks in a deep breath and kisses Santana’s cheek.
“Do you feel any better today?“
Santana nods "Yeah, I do. I’m going to try to finish by Christmas, Britt. If I do…Then maybe we can start trying…”
“We don’t have to rush into anything, Santana.”
“It doesn’t feel like rushing, though. I feel good about that timeline. It’ll give me motivation to finish this deadline. To have a real plan. But if you want to wait…”
Brittany shakes her head, “I just want to make sure you’re not putting too much stress on yourself. But if you’re ready, I’m ready. And I promised you after Jonas, when you do this book tour, we’ll go with you.”
“Yeah? You’re sure?”
“I’m completely sure. I hated you being so far away and so upset last time.”
“Ugh I don’t really want to repeat that either.”
“And I’d hate to be away from the baby too.“ Brittany bites her lip, knowing that with her work schedule, Santana would probably have to take Jonas with her.
"Yeah definitely. I know I’m getting ahead of myself…sorry. I guess I’m just anxious.”
“Its totally understandable, San. I mean I’ve been thinking about it too. I don’t think I could be away from you for that long again. It was so hard the first time, and I’ll figure out whatever I have to do we don’t have to do that again.” Brittany kisses Santana’s neck and hugs her close. “I love you.”
“I love you too, honey.” Santana looks up at Jonas in Gram’s arms and smiles, “I think we’re doing a really good job.”
“We definitely are, he’s awesome.”
People make a space for Gram to get through, and Santana and Brittany follow her. Jonas points at the people as they pass and his little eyebrows raise as he makes little noises and laughs. He’s so engaged.
“I think he’s really into this, Britt,” Santana laughs.
“Gram will love that. Last time, he was so small.”
“I feel like his first words are going to be, ‘Shut up, Rachel’ or something.” Santana looks at him, and just can’t stop smiling.
"I don’t know if that sweet boy is capable.”
“That’s true. He’s engaged, but I don’t think he’ll have Gram’s vinegar. I could be wrong though. I love her, but I love how sweet Jonas is too.”
“Me too. I’m not going to lie, I was worried he wouldn’t be, because I wasn’t exactly the sweetest child. I think he’s got your personality, Britt. Hands down.”
“You really think that, Santana?”
“Look at that happy, smiling little baby. I absolutely look at him and see you, Britt.”
“Even Gram says it, that he has your exact temperament from when you were a baby. It makes me so happy that he got that from you.”
“I look at him in your arms and know he’s yours. And so does everyone else.”
Brittany can’t even respond. Those words mean more than she can ever explain. She leans down and kisses Santana’s lips so softly. “Thank you.”
“Thank you. I love that you’re his mommy.”
“I love that too, more than anything.”
They get to the front, and Gram is just showing off Jonas to everyone. She’s so proud of Brittany for him. He’s just the best little boy. He has this sweetness about him. She can see how good his heart is. She kisses his little cheek and he turns and smooshes his face against her cheek in turn.
“Your mommy used to do that too, you know. Those are the best kisses. What do you think, do you want to come up with me for my speech this morning?“ He laughs and points at the crowd. “Okay, charmer, we’ve got five minutes.” Santana and Brittany come up behind them, and Gram turns around. “Jonas has decided he wants to give a speech today.“
“Really, he said he’s tired of Rachel Berry.“
Santana laughs out loud, "I can believe that.”
“Gram.” Brittany shakes her head. “The first gift you got him was a shirt that said, ‘Born Tired of ‘Mayor’ Berry.’”
Gram smirks, “Too bad he’s too big for it now…Guess that needs to be his Christmas present.” Jonas giggles and pats Gram’s face. “Yeah, you need a new one huh? Maybe we won’t even wait for Christmas.“ He just keeps giggling and giggling. Well, I hope you’re going to be able to give your speech in between all that giggling,” Gram replies with a laugh.
Brittany loves watching her Gram with him. They have so much fun together. She’s glad she has a real grandchild. And she’ll have more soon…She looks at Santana, smiling at their boy. Santana is just grinning, “He loves his Gram so much.”
“I’m really glad she gets to have him around, and to not have to raise him. She gets to be a grandma you know? Spoil him and send him home.”
“I’m just like…I don’t know…”
“She just probably never thought she’d get this opportunity. I just figured I’d be her only one.”
“She’s going to have lots, Britt.”
“You still want lots?”
“Uh huh, I do. Do you?”
“I do. But I would never expect you to carry so many.” Brittany bites her lip, looking into Santana’s eyes.
“I want to though, that’s the thing. The idea of having more of your babies makes me so happy.” Brittany swallows the lump in her throat as Santana keeps talking. “I think about it all the time. I’m just ready for it to be time.”
“I know baby, it will be, so soon.”
While they’re lost in each other, Gram steps up on the platform with Jonas in her arms. He points at the crowd and looks up at Gram.
“Hello everyone!” Jonas waves and giggles “For those of you who haven’t met my great-grandson, this is Jonas!” The crowd claps and cheers loudly. “I want him to have our beautiful stream for the rest of his life! He is who this fight is for! And all of the kids of Copper Hollow! Tell Rachel Berry we won’t take it!”
The crowd roars and cheers and Jonas’ eyes are wide but he’s smiling. Santana leans back into Brittany, “Look at our boy, he’s a natural.”
“He really is.”
“And that smile, I can’t handle it,” Santana slips her phone out to take pictures. “I’m so in love with him.”
“God. Me too.”
He keeps waving and clapping. He spots them in the crowd and squeaks.
“Babe, he sees us, wave! Hi, baby boy!” Brittany beams so wide. Her sweet guy. She waves at him and blows him a kiss.
He starts waving both his hands and palming the microphone Gram laughs when she sees where he’s looking. She winks at them and lets him yell into the microphone. The crowd laughs and claps and cheers for him.
“Do you hear him Rachel? Why do you want to take his clean water?”
“That’s unfair! You can’t use a toddler for sympathy points!” Rachel shouts from the back of the crowd.
“I knew you were here!”
“Of course I’m here! You staged a protest against me!!”
“Shame! Shame! Shame! Polluting the stream and screwing up the environment for our kids and grandkids! How dare you?”
The crowd turns to Rachel with scowls on their faces. Rachel crosses her arms and huffs, “It’s always something with you, Janet.“
Gram shrugs, "It’s always the right thing. If you’d stop harming the environment, you’d stop hearing from me.”
Rachel stomps her foot, “This town is surrounded by streams, Janet.”
“And they’re all equally important, Rachel. Send the garbage out of town! This town is small as it is! We don’t have the room or the need for a landfill! Our current plan is working just fine.”
“But the cost—”
“Is negligible when you look at the consequences. I refuse to be silent while you ruin our town!”
The crowd let’s out a cheer, and Rachel huffs her way up to the stage.
“Uh oh,” Brittany murmurs.
“I’m going to get him.” Santana moves quickly to the stage. Gram carefully hands Jonas off to Santana after giving him a quick kiss. “Baby boy.” Santana breathes him in, realizing how panicked she felt. He nuzzles into her neck. He pats gently at her chest, and she can tell he got nervous too. She squeezes him close, “Mama’s got you. Rachel won’t hurt you.”
Jonas looks up at her and pats Santana’s face, and Gram looks out at the crowd, “Look what you did, Rachel! Why do you all keep voting for her? That’s it, Berry. I hereby announce my candidacy against you!”
“You can’t just run for mayor!”
Because…because…it’s my job!“
"Not for long!”
“Oh my God.” Brittany gasps. “Did she just…”
Santana’s jaw drops and she has no idea how to reply to Brittany. The crowd goes crazy and Rachel just stands there with her jaw dropped.
“Come on up here, girls. I’m running for mayor!”
Brittany blinks at Santana. She doesn’t know what else to do, so she grabs Santana’s hand. They make their way up to the stage. In Copper Hollow, this is like running for president. Things just got a whole lot more interesting. Brittany smiles and waves, clinging to Santana’s hand, who looks like a deer in headlights
“You okay babe?” Brittany leans over and murmurs.
“Mhmm, just…a little stunned.”
“And when I beat you.” Gram shouts, looking over the crowd. “You can be sure that the pollution stops on the first day. That’s my promise to you. And it’s my promise to my grandson. I will make sure this town is as beautiful for him as it was for me.” She nods at the clapping crowd and smiles at Jonas. “You’re going down, Berry.”
“UGH, this is ridiculous!” Rachel yells, stomping off the stage.
Gram just smirks so wide, “I think we’ve sent our message today, what do you think?”
“I definitely think so,” Brittany nods.
“Tomorrow, we’re rallying outside her office!”
Brittany laughs and shakes her head, “Did you plan this mayoral run, Gram?”
“I register my name every year, in case she goes too far. Today she did. I’m going to keep her from ruining this town.”
“I had no idea. But I should’ve, I’m proud, Gram.”
“Thank you, kiddo. We’ll show her! I’ll get everyone in this town on my side.”
“I absolutely believe that. It’ll be a landslide.”
“You know it! And I’ve got a month to get it together!”
“If you need anything Gram, you let us know and we’ll help!”
“Well I certainly hope you’ll help me campaign!”
“Of course we will! It might be good, Jonas and I can be out of the house helping when Santana has work to do.” Brittany cocks her head to Santana.
“I’ll try to help as much as I can too,” Santana offers.
“You do whatever work you’ve gotta do, Santana.” Gram shakes her head. “Don’t let me stop you.”
“Hopefully I’ll be finishing that up soon, Then I’m happy to help you govern when you win.”
“That sounds perfect,” Gram grins. “Why don’t we head on home, I know you two must be anxious to leave me and Jonas in the dust.
"Gram, we’re not…”
“I should hope you are.” She laughs, “You don’t get out enough.”
“We are definitely looking forward to it,” Santana cuts in, smiling over at Brittany.
“You’re sure you don’t mind having him for a while?”
“Are you kidding? We going to have a blast tonight! Aren’t we, Jonas?”
Jonas is just so distracted by Charlie’s fur. He’s got both of his hands buried in it and he’s just mesmerized. Brittany thinks they’ll have to get him one some day. He would love having a dog around all the time. But she knows now isn’t the time. She can’t put that on Santana. Especially if they’re going to having another baby. Another pregnancy. Maybe in a few years. Jonas can visit Charlie anytime he wants for now. And then later, they’ll get one. When Santana won’t be pregnant anymore. That’ll give her time to research some breeds. Although she’s not sure she needs to. She’ll see. They get to the car, and Gram is looking so proud of herself for deciding to run. Brittany just grins, she’s glad she’s running too. Rachel needs a kick in the pants.
“Okay Jonas, let’s get you in, and then you’ll see Charlie again.” Brittany gets Jonas buckled in and Charlie jumps up right beside him.
“I guess I’m on the other side.” Santana laughs.
Santana settles in on the other side and they head back to Gram’s. Jonas falls asleep in the car seat with Charlie’s head on his leg. He’s had an eventful afternoon, that’s for sure. She thinks he’ll sleep for a long while for Gram.
“I guess the protest tuckered him out. I can understand…Rachel exhausts me too.” Gram twists her grey hair.
Santana laughs, and gets out of the car to get him out. She brushes his curls off of his forehead and kisses his cheek. She doesn’t even stir when she gets him into her arms.
"He’s really out.” Brittany peers over Santana’s shoulder.
“He really is. Poor baby boy. Do you think he’ll be okay if he wakes up and we’re gone, Britt?”
“I think so, Gram will be there and I think he’ll be okay with that. She’ll keep him busy.”
“Okay…” Santana always worries.
“We can always do this another night, sweetheart, or wait until he wakes up.”
“No, no…I want to go.”
“Okay baby. Gram will call us if he wants us, I know she will.”
“You’re right.” Santana nods, pushing the door open while Gram follows behind.
Brittany kisses her cheek softly, “Let me set the pack and play up babe.”
Brittany pulls it out of the corner and opens it up, setting Jonas’ lamb down in it.
“Here we go, baby boy.” Santana’s short arms always make it so hard for him to put him all the way down, but she manages. He shifts a little bit when she gets him down but he doesn’t wake up. She releases a long breath, “Okay. I think I’m ready to go.” She looks over Jonas one last time.
“Okay honey,“ Brittany nods.
"We’ll take care of each other girls, take your time.”
“Thank you so much for doing this Gram, call us if you need anything at all.”
“I shouldn’t need to, but I promise if there’s anything we need, I will. Go have fun, you deserve it.”
“Thank you, Gram,” Santana hugs her.
“You’re welcome, honey.”
Brittany slips her arm around Santana’s waist and grins at Gram, “See you later, future Mayor Pierce.”
Gram laughs out loud, “I like the sound of that! Now get out of here!” She shoos them out with a laugh.
Santana leans into Brittany when she gets outside, “Date night at three in the afternoon.”
Brittany laughs a little, "Yeah but think about how much time that leaves us…”
“Hmmm I wonder what we could do with that time.”
“I have a couple of ideas.”
“Uh huh.” Brittany kisses the side of her mouth.
“Are we going home to change? Because we might never get out.”
“That’s a good point…what do you think?”
“What if…we went home, and then went to dinner.“
Brittany hums and kisses her neck, "I like the way you think.”
Santana giggles at how the kiss tickles her. Brittany keeps kissing her to make her laugh. She loves the sound of her laugh. It’s just…really beautiful.
“Baby,” Santana giggles, “Take me home.”
“As you wish, baby.”
Brittany opens Santana’s door and kisses her until she’s seated. Santana is just all bubbly. She feels calm and happy to be with Brittany. They haven’t had time to do this in so long. It’s been so hectic. And she loves her boy to pieces, but sometimes it’s nice for a day out. Nice to just be with her wife. And be with her wife. Not rushed or quiet or on the couch because of the baby. Just the two of them, taking the time to enjoy each other. She squeezes Brittany’s hand on the center console.
“I’m so happy we’re doing this.”
“Me too, baby.”
Brittany pulls into their driveway, and is glad they’re in Santana’s care so she can take the spot in front of the house. She just wants to get her inside. She wants to make this so good for her. She deserves it She opens Santana’s door, and smiles.
“Hey gorgeous.” Santana grins.
“Hey there, beautiful. I can’t wait to take you upstairs.”
Santana bites her lip, “God, that sounds so good.”
“I’m going to make sure it is,” Brittany hums in her ear.
Santana drops her head back and groans. “Baby.” Brittany kisses her neck slowly. “Babe, really, you can’t kiss me like this in the yard.”
“Let me get you inside then,” Brittany picks her up and carries her up the porch stairs.
Santana just giggles and presses her face into her neck. She loves when Brittany does this. There’s something about her strength. Brittany carries her inside and shuts the door with her foot before heading upstairs. She cannot wait to get her out of her clothes. To undress her slowly and be so tender and soft with her. To take her time. She brings her into the bedroom and sets her down on the bed, standing between her legs.
“Hey you.” Santana pulls her down into a slow kiss. Brittany threads her hands through Santana’s hair and looks into her eyes.
“You’re so pretty.”
“You are. I love when I get to stare at your face.” Brittany tells her. Santana can feel herself blush and she just needs to kiss her again. “Hard to stare when you’re kissing me.”
“Can’t help it.”
Brittany slips her hands up Santana’s sweatshirt and pulls it over her head.
“Now that’s a sight.”
Santana chews on her lip and pulls at Brittany’s shirt. “Take this off.” She growls. “I need to feel your skin on mine.”
Brittany’s eyes darken and she moans, throwing her shirt over her head. She presses into Santana and lays her back on the bed.
“I love you.” She whispers.
“I love you too. So much.”
Brittany is just so anxious to make love to her. It was just last night, but this is different. She kisses her softly and slowly runs her hands up her sides. She feels Santana’s skin prickle beneath her touch. It always amazes her the effect she has. She’s so gentle with her, last night was needy and quick, but this is different. This is slow and deep. They don’t get to do this often anymore. And she loves it even more in the waning daylight. Santana glows. She’s so gorgeous. She touches her in all the right places, and God, she could make love to her all day and night if she didn’t want to take her out to dinner. God…she’s tempted to…Maybe Santana would be open to stopping at the diner, rather than going out somewhere fancy. She’ll make it up to her.
“Babe.” Brittany breathes in her ear. Santana hums. Brittany has to laugh because she can’t believe she’s asking her this while they’re…doing this. “Can we go to the diner instead?”
Santana opens her eyes and lets out a laugh, “Um, sure?”
“Kay, good.” Brittany kisses her way down Santana’s body.
Santana’s eyes flutter closed, “Ohh, oh I see,” She hums. “You might make me pass out.” She gasps.
Brittany kisses her stomach and her hip, “I’m gonna try. Sorry not sorry. Bet I can set a new record.” She hums into her thigh.
Brittany is just insistent upon this being all about Santana, and Santana is powerless to object. It just feels so good. She needs her so close and in such a visceral way. She puts her hands on the back of her neck and groans. And Brittany just keeps going until Santana can’t physically take another second.
“Baby. Baby I can’t. C'mere. Please.” Santana begs, and Brittany crawls up her body, touching her so softly, because she knows any more will be too much. “Thank you for letting me do that.”
Santana lets out a little laugh, “Thank you.”
“Trust me, babe, I really enjoyed it.” Brittany flushes.
Santana leans up and gives her a lingering kiss, “Let me show you how much I loved it, baby.”
“Babe no, rest. I wanted today to be all about you.”
“I want to.” Santana feels like it gets to this often, and she really needs Brittany to know how much she loves it. “Please?“
"Whatever you want. I’m yours.” Brittany whispers against her lips. “Always.”
Santana kisses her again and slowly flips her over. She’s not sure what she wants to do to her, but she wants it to be good. She knows it can’t ever possibly be as earth shattering as what Brittany does to her, but…She’s going to try. She takes her time, just loving this woman. Kissing her, touching her, making her tremble.
Brittany just watches her, refusing to close her eyes the whole time. When she’s done, she just collapses back on the bed.
“C'mere and gimme a kiss.” Brittany breathes.
Santana grins as she peppers little kisses up to her mouth, “How’s that?”
Brittany hums and kisses her lips languidly, “Really good. I’m glad we did this.”
“Mmm me too. So glad.” Santana’s stomach grows a little, and she laughs. “You talking about that diner…”
Brittany laughs, “I guess I should get my legs working so we can finish our date huh?”
“Take your time, babe. I want to shower.”
“Showering is probably a good idea.”
“Why don’t you go first, Britt, and I’ll change the sheets.”
“Yeah, go.” Santana smiles. “I’d go with you, but…you know.”
“We’d never get dinner?” Brittany laughs.
“Exactly, and I’m kind of starving.”
Brittany nods, “I’ll be quick, I wanna get you fed.”
“Don’t rush for me, I’ve got enough meat on me to live.”
Brittany kisses her neck, “I’m gonna rush anyway.”
She gets up and Santana loves how she just struts totally naked and unabashed into the bathroom. Her confidence is astounding, and so sexy. Santana grabs Brittany’s discarded t-shirt from the floor and pulls it over her head so she can put these sheets in the wash and put new ones on the bed. She gets weird about stuff, with Jonas. It’s not just them anymore. She strips the bed and brings the sheets down to the laundry room, turning on the hot water before pushing them into the wash.
Santana stretches her arms above her head and she’s got a weariness in her muscles but god, it feels so good. It’s unreal that she ever thought anything felt good before Brittany. The way she kisses her and touches her and loves her is beyond comprehension. She feels so lucky to be loved by her. She goes back upstairs, and starts putting the clean sheets on the bed.
Brittany comes out with a towel around herself and smiles, “I left the shower on, baby, I’ll finish that.”
“Thank you, I’ll be right out.”
“Shirt looks good on you.” Brittany winks. She tugs on the bottom of it and pulls her close. “So sexy.”
Santana hums and kisses her, “I’m going to get in the shower now, or we’re going to end up back in bed. And the sheets aren’t even on yet.”
“I mean.. if you weren’t starving…”
“I’m also pretty sure I have no feeling below my waist.” Santana breathes in Brittany’s ear. “You’re that good.”
“Well, practice makes perfect you know…”
“You are so much more than perfect.” She kisses her lips one more time and walks toward the bathroom.
Brittany watches her go and sucks in a breath. She makes up the bed while Santana is in the shower, and pulls on jeans and a sweatshirt. As much as she would have loved to have dressed up and take her out tonight, this is better. Easy and relaxed and exactly what they need on their night together. Santana comes back out, and she watches her get dressed, sliding into leggings and one of her sweatshirts that’s just a little too big. She’s so beautiful. Once she’s ready, they go down to the car, and Santana is a little sleepy, and so smiley. Brittany loves seeing her like this. Her natural and relaxed is the most beautiful thing. This was the best kind of date night after last night.
Santana just looks so much less stressed. She thinks maybe she’d really been keeping the baby thing bottled up, and talking about it calmed her down. She hopes she knows she doesn’t have to keep it in. She hates that she felt that way in the first place. She knows it’s not about her, that Santana trusts her with her feelings, but she gets trapped in her head sometimes She gets it. She does. But she hates that she can’t get in sometimes. More for Santana’s sake than her own. Brittany pulls into the diner parking lot, and when she gets out, Santana nuzzles into her side.
“You made me feel so much better, Britt. I really wasn’t doing well last night.”
“I’m so glad that I could do that, sweetheart. You know I’ll never judge you, right? I feel sometimes like you keep so much inside.”
Santana sighs, “I know. I don’t mean to…I just…can’t always verbalize. And…maybe I was kind of scared you wouldn’t want another baby. You’ve seen me get so stressed and…”
Brittany kisses her temple, “I’m sorry, I should’ve been more forthcoming about the baby thing. I know we’ve been dancing around it for a while.”
“No I know you’re so careful with my feelings, and because I’ll carry, maybe it’s weird for you to expect it, or something?”
“I don’t know…I feel like maybe we should try to have more of the big talks.” Brittany suggests, and Santana sighs. “I don’t want you to force it, just whenever you feel ready for them.”
“I’m going to try, I promise you.” Santana kisses the back of Brittany’s hand and walks into the diner.
“I love you,” Brittany murmurs.
“I love you too, sweetheart.” Santana kisses her and smiles at Fran the hostess. “Sorry, we’re doing our infatuated with each other thing again.”
“Are you kidding? It’s my favorite thing!” Fran laughs. “No little prince tonight?”
“Not tonight, it’s date night and he’s spending some time with his Gram.”
“She must be thrilled!”
Santana laughs, “She definitely is, I’m sure they’re getting up to all kinds of mischief.”
“She gets to be the fun grandma now.” Brittany smiles a little.
Fran grins and winks at her, “I think she always was.”
“I’m so grateful for her, Fran.”
“She’s just as grateful for you, and that’s the truth.”
“She’s my savior. Who knows where I would be…”
“You don’t have to worry about that now.”
“Absolutely not.” She beams as Fran grabs menus and leads them to “their” table. “Thanks Fran.”
“Anytime.” She winks. “Santana, should I start your milkshake?”
“Yes, please,” She grins.
“Brittany? Strawberry lemonade?”
“Yes please, thank you.”
“I guess we’re creatures of habit.” Santana laughs as Fran walks away. “I don’t know why she even gives us menus anymore.”
“Habit for her too, probably.”
“I just always think of how I yelled at you here.”
Brittany laughs a little, “Things are definitely different then. But if you didn’t, I don’t think we’d be where we are now.”
“I needed you to snap me out of the funk I was in.”
“I hated seeing you sad, even though I didn’t know you. I just had to try.”
“Well it obviously worked.”
“Lucky for me,” Brittany smiles softly.
“Brittany Pierce, I’m the lucky one. I think some girl could have wandered into this town and been swept off her feet by you easily.”
Brittany shakes her head a little, “I don’t know about that, but I’m so glad it was you. I still get starry eyed over you. Like, when you opened your door, it was a shock to my system.”
“I’m sorry I always tell this story.”
Santana props her chin on her palm, “I love hearing you tell it. Tell me again, please.”
After they order, Brittany keeps telling Santana stories. Santana just falls more and more in love with her with every one. When they finish up, Santana kisses her hard in the parking lot.
Santana shakes her head, “I’m so lucky to have you. I’m so lucky you knocked on my door. Every day. I just love you.”
“I love you too, so much.”
“Is it weird how much I miss Jonas?”
“Are you kidding? I miss him like crazy.” Brittany reassures her. “I can’t believe it’s dark.“
"Me either, I didn’t realize how much time we’d spent.”
“Like five hours.”
“Worth every single second. Babe?” Santana cocks her head to the side.”
“Can we try to do this more often?”
“Of course, of course. I’d really love that, baby. Whenever you want, just let me know.”
“Maybe every other week?”
“That sounds really good.”
“Do you think Gram would mind?” Santana worries.
“I really don’t, I think she would love the extra time with Jonas and I think she would like that we’re taking time for us.”
“I know,” Brittany replies, kissing her lips.
“Okay. Good.” Santana nods, rubbing her nose on Brittany’s cheek “You ready to go get our boy?”
Brittany kisses her again and opens her door for her. Santana loves how chivalrous she is. “Thank you, baby”
Brittany gets in and grabs her hand. “I love doing that.”
Santana squeezes her hand, “Me too.”
There’s something in Brittany that’s just a need to be this way with Santana. She’s never been able to help herself. She feels like…Santana deserves that, to have someone open doors and steal the check and just, make sure she knows she’s cherished. She always, always wants to do that for her. She glances over at Santana as she backs out of the diner parking lot, and she’s leaned back, full and content. They definitely need to do this every other week. They both need it. She pictures Santana pregnant like this again, and her heart leaps. God. Another baby. Another little Santana. She can’t handle it. Seeing her pregnant…It’s just…amazing. And the fact that she wants to do this after Christmas. In a few months. Just a few months. She always makes her dreams come true. She can’t wait to experience it with her again. It’s going to be so exciting. Especially having Jonas. He’s so gentle and sweet with the animals, she’s sure he’ll be the same with a baby. God. He’s going to be a great big brother. If Santana really means it about a ton of kids, he’s going to be the big guy in their brood. She smiles to herself.
“Why are you smiling?”
“Just thinking about the future.”
“Me too, so much.”
Brittany pulls into the driveway at Gram’s, and there’s a strange car in the driveway
“Who’s that..” Santana asks mostly to herself.
“I’m…not sure. I would think Gram would have told us if she was having company…”
“Yeah.. I think so too.” Brittany suddenly feels incredibly nervous.
What if something happened? She would’ve called right? Maybe someone stopped by. Maybe it’s the news about her running for mayor. Yeah, that must be it. Everything is okay. Brittany gets out of the car and calms herself as much as she can before she opens Santana’s door. Santana gets out and takes Brittany’s hand.
“Let me just grab Jonas’ extra blanket, in case he’s sleeping and I need to wrap him in it.” Brittany keeps a hold on her hand and leans past her.
Santana just nods. Brittany is so careful with him. They get to the door and Brittany opens it slowly. She sees Gram sitting on the living room floor by the fire place with Jonas. It’s quiet, and something feels off. Jonas is very close to Gram and Charlie They can immediately tell he’s tense.
“Gram?” Brittany calls out.
She turns to face them and forces a smile, “Hey girls!”
“What’s going on? Who’s here?”
Jonas see them and reaches for Santana immediately. “Hi sweet boy.“ She quickly lifts him up. He clings to her like he’s terrified, “Hi, baby, hi.” She kisses his head over and over, "Mama’s right here. I’ve got you.”
“Nice of either of ya to say hi to me.”
Brittany whips around and sees Whitney sitting on the couch. Jonas keeps clinging fiercely to Santana, his little pajama clad legs around her as best as he can get them
“Shh, shh I’ve got you,” She murmurs.
“Hi mom.” Brittany murmurs.
Janet rolls her eyes, “They’re a little busy with their child, Whitney. And you didn’t say hello either, if I recall.”
“Well I’m a guest in this house, aren’t I?”
“If that’s what you’re calling it. What does that have to do with them anyway? It’s my house.”
“Jeeze Ma, why are you so rude to me, when it’s them who can’t even acknowledge me after not seeing me for a year.” Whitney snaps.
“And whose fault is that?” Janet replies icily.
Whitney rolls her eyes, “Whatever.”
She’s like a petulant child. Santana catches Brittany’s eyes. They need to get Jonas out of this situation. He’s so stressed. But she knows Brittany will try to be nice. As much as it will hurt her. And Santana gets so torn by it. She has this visceral maternal need to protect her son, but also, she knows Brittany tries to work with her mother to find common ground, and she doesn’t expect her to stop doing that. She just wishes Whitney wasn’t so… difficult. She wishes she would just love Brittany without caveats. She doesn’t even understand how she can’t. She’s so good and so caring, and God, she’s always just trying. She bites her lip and tries not to let her irritation show.
“Let’s nurse you, sweet boy.” Santana whispers, gently taking the blanket from Brittany’s hands. She never covers herself, but she wants to shelter Jonas and calm his anxiety.
She’s trying to decide whether to take him into the kitchen…away from this. Or stay in here with Brittany. She loves her wife, but she knows Brittany would want her to do what was best for Jonas. Once he’s calmed down, she can bring him back in. And she has Gram right now. Which is a lot more than she’s able to offer anyway.
“Babe, I’m going to…” She trails off, nodding her head to the kitchen and kissing Brittany’s temple.
“Of course,” Brittany nods.
Jonas still clings so tightly to her neck as she carries him in, “Its okay, my love. I’ve got you.” she murmurs, kissing his curls softly and stroking his tense back. “I know it’s very stressful, but she won’t hurt you. Mama and Mommy and Gram would never let anything happen to you.” He blinks up at her with his big brown eyes. “I know my love, she makes me nervous too.” He burrows his face in her chest. “Here, baby.” She pulls down her shirt and undoes her bra, letting down her hair so he can hold it how he likes.
He latches on immediately and grabs a fistful of her hair but doesn’t pull it, just holds it. Her gentle boy. So anxious around people, but especially Whitney. She doesn’t blame him a bit. She hopes Whitney wasn’t…she doesn’t know the word to say, not rough, but…Unkind…no…that’s not really it either. Abrasive, maybe. Just not gentle. She sighs, this is not the ending to the day that they needed. Once Jonas finally relaxes, she listens into the living room
“It’s nice of you to visit, mom.”
“Coulda’ fooled me by the welcome I got.”
“Mom, I’m really sorry.” Santana can tell Brittany is hugging her.
“You don’t have to apologize to her, Brittany.” Janet huffs. “Maybe if she let somebody know when she was going to show up, we would’ve been prepared.”
“It’s okay, Gram. I haven’t seen her in almost a year. I’d just like to have a nice visit.”
Santana sighs. Brittany is so good. Much better than Whitney deserves. It breaks her heart every time. She gets it though. Her own mom is so good, and Brittany sees that. She just hopes this goes well. As well as it can, anyway. Sometimes they have a nice visit. But poor Brittany still walks on eggshells. There’s no telling what’s going to set Whitney off.
“Isn’t Jonas so big now, Mom?” Santana smiles to herself and brushes his curls off of his forehead as Brittany talks about him.
“He doesn’t like me.” Whitney tells Brittany. “I’d like to hold my own grandson.”
“It just takes him a little while to get used to people, that’s all. He’s very shy, but maybe when he’s done nursing, we can try together?”
“Okay, I guess that’s fine.”
“Mommy will be with you, sweet baby.” Santana whispers.
As nervous as it makes her, Santana would never deny Brittany a chance to try to bond with her mom. She knows that Brittany will do what’s best for him, if he gets uncomfortable. She trusts her so deeply with him. She just wishes Brittany could protect herself as much as she protects her and the baby. She needs that too. She wants to go in there with her. Jonas seems to have calmed down quite a bit, and isn’t nursing much anymore.
“Are you done, baby boy? Hmm?” He looks up at her, with those wide, beautiful eyes. “How about we get you a nice dry diaper and you go see your Grandma with Mommy?” She kisses his forehead and smiles at him. He smiles back, a very small smile. “There’s my happy boy. I missed you so much while we were gone. Did you have fun with Gram?” He opens and closes his little hands, and Santana knows it’s because Gram always sings “Open Shut Them” with him. She laughs quietly, “Did you sing songs tonight? Hmm? That sounds really fun. Can you show me your itsy bitsy spider?” Santana sinks down to the floor, and grabs the changing pad and one of their thicker diapers in case he doesn’t need to be changed again before bed.
He’s definitely relaxing more now. She thinks the hardest part for him was that Whitney came when they weren’t there. And he was already out of his own element. Even though he loves Gram and being at her house, it’s hard for him to be away from home and for someone he doesn’t know to come in and be as…abrasive and loud as Whitney is. It was probably jarring. Sometimes Santana wonders if it’s too much, how close she keeps Jonas, but she shakes her head. Security is the most important thing in the world for a baby. She’d rather him feel safe and soothed than subscribe to what everyone else deems the “right” way to handle parenting. They made such a clear plan. Kurt teases her sometimes, but even he gets it. Santana has her work and her hobbies, and Brittany has her business, but at the end of the day, Jonas is their world. They do what feels right for their family. That’s the most important thing. She loves that she washes Jonas diapers. She loves that he still wants to nurse. She loves that he sleeps with them. Everything is perfect for them, it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks.
She didn’t think she’d be this kind of mother. Even when she let the thought cross her mind about having kids someday, she always pictured pushing a kid an expensive stroller, bottle feeding them, probably having a full-time nanny. But God, she can’t imagine any less hands on than she is now. He’s getting older and she’s already dreading it. Everything about her life changed when she moved here. And she hopes there is never a day where Jonas doesn’t come to her with skinned knees or a broken heart. She carefully pins his diaper and kisses his little belly.
“You are the sweetest boy in the whole entire world, Jonas. I’m so lucky I get to be your Mama.” He points at her and smiles a little bit more. “That’s right, I’m your mama. But I need a promise from you, I need you to say Mommy first, okay?” He points to the side and smiles again. “She is in there, do you want to see her?” He points again. “Okay, my love.” She slides his pajama bottoms back up, and tosses the diaper into her reusable bag. “Lets go find Mommy.”
Santana puts him on her hip and pulls her hair back up before she goes into the living room. Brittany is sitting beside Whitney on the couch and Gram is sitting in the chair by the fireplace, trying and failing to keep the look of annoyance off her face. Gram looks at Santana and subtly rolls her eyes. She knows Santana gets it. Santana gives her a small smile. She sits down on Brittany’s other side on the sofa, setting Jonas on her lap. Whitney is talking, and Santana never interrupts her when she is.
“I’m telling ya right now, Brittany. This one’s gonna be my big break.”
Brittany nods and smiles, “I believe it, mom. I’m really so happy that you found something you’re so interested in. It sounds like you’re really happy.”
“I am, yeah.”
“Finally got something good in my life.”
Santana bites down hard on the inside of her lip. She feels like her mouth bleeds every time she sees her. She doesn’t understand how the best thing that ever happened to her couldn’t be Brittany’s mother’s.
“Yeah…” Brittany trails off. Santana finds Brittany’s hand and squeezes it gently. Brittany gives her a small tight smile.
“Well look who finally decided to join us. You gonna come see Grandma Whitney now, or what?”
Santana takes a breath and kisses his head before shuffling Jonas to Brittany, “You want to go see Mommy for a few minutes, baby boy?”
Jonas rests his head on Brittany’s chest, and grasps for her hands. Santana can see he just needs as much security as he can get. She holds him close and kisses the top of his head.
“Do you want to say hi to Grandma Whitney? She’s my mommy.”
Santana can hear the pain in her voice. Santana swallows hard and squeezes Brittany’s hand again. Jonas eyes Whitney cautiously.
She holds her hands out, “Well, do you wanna come here to your Grandma?”
Jonas looks up at Brittany, and she kisses his cheek, “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m right here.”
Brittany carefully gives him to her mom. Santana can’t get over how awkward Whitney looks with him. Like she doesn’t know what to do. She guesses she probably doesn’t. She never had Brittany. She was awkward when he was brand new, but this is even more so. And Jonas can tell. He looks uncomfortable too. He keeps his one little hand on Brittany’s leg. She’s stroking the back of his hand so he knows she’s there. Whitney gives him a sloppy kiss on his face and his eyes are just so wide. She wishes she could scoop him up and they could go home already.
But Whitney seems to be trying…as best as she knows how. That’s something. She’s always graded on a curve. But Brittany aches for this. This connection, this chance that she was never given. This is the second time Whitney has met him. She couldn’t make it to his birthday party. It must be whatever this new big break is. Santana didn’t really expect her to be there, if she’s being honest. She’s surprised she’s here now. She wonders what she needs from Janet…or Brittany. She’s not trying to be a jerk, but…her visits aren’t usually without reason. And Brittany is more likely to give her money than Janet. Santana looks over at Gram.
Santana just shakes her head. She’s the only person who can’t stand Whitney as much as Santana. She wishes they could’ve had a moment to talk, so that she’d know what was going on. But she knows she didn’t want to leave Brittany alone with her and go into the kitchen, that’s for sure. That’s a recipe for disaster. Brittany will give her whatever she wants, and Gram tries to prevent it. She’s so grateful for Gram. She gets it. She gets why Brittany wants to help her. But…But it’s not fair to her. She doesn’t get anything in return. It’s not about the money. It’s about the manipulation. Brittany funds her every venture with the money she worked so hard for without Whitney’s support. It’s not right. It’s not fair. But she would never even mention to Brittany that she shouldn’t. She doesn’t want to compromise that. It’s absolutely her decision, but she just hates seeing her give everything to Whitney, only to have her drive away leaving Brittany just…empty again.
Every time she leaves Brittany breaks. And she pictures her as a little girl watching the car go. It’s awful. She always thinks she can give her enough to make her stay. Gram said she used to line up her report cards and her drawings when she was little. But of course, Whitney never stayed. It was never enough and sadly nothing ever will be. She left her baby. Santana couldn’t fathom it before Jonas, and now…She’d die before she did. She’ll never be able to understand her. And she knows Brittany tries. But…this woman is…slobbering on their baby, and Santana tries not to make a face.
“I’m your favorite, aren’t I?” Whitney nearly shouts at him.
Jonas looks frantically over at Brittany, his eyes wide and anxious. Brittany strokes his back, “He really likes you mom, but loud voices startle him a little. I’m right here, Jonas.” She whispers into his ear. “Mommy’s here.”
“I’m not being that loud,” She argues.
“No I know, we just whisper. So he’s used to that.”
“Well that’s weird.”
Brittany sighs, and Santana’s irritation is growing, “His ears are little.”
“Like this?” Whitney speaks in a normal tone of voice.
“Yeah, that’s perfect, mom.”
Brittany clasps Santana’s hand in hers. Santana knows it’s an apology, and squeezes her hand.
She doesn’t want her to feel like she has to do that. She knows she has enough on her mind. She threads their fingers together. She wants her to know that she loves and supports her. That whatever she chooses to do with Whitney, she would never begrudge her. Their relationship is so complicated and she won’t ever add to that by interjecting. Not unless Whitney tries to hurt her family. For now, she’ll tolerate this, and she’ll continue to hope that Whitney grows up for Brittany’s sake. She really hopes she does. She’s being…decent with Jonas. Maybe it’s because she needs something from Brittany, but Santana knows it makes her happy. If just for tonight, it’s good enough.
She’s not hurting her baby, so it’s okay. Brittany is smiling. It’ll be over soon and they can go home. Brittany will be okay. She won’t cry over it tonight. At least there’s that. That’s more important than whatever Whitney thinks she needs from them. She’s expecting Brittany to pull her aside before they leave, to sheepishly ask if she’s okay with her writing a check. It’s how this goes every time. Except the rare occasion that Gram gives in or doesn’t want Brittany to be subjected to Whitney’s money-grab. Whitney knows they’re comfortable with money. She’s seen their home, and the car Santana drives. She has no qualms asking. She thinks she probably wouldn’t anyway. She wonders if she did this even when Brittany was young and just getting started. She wonders how much Brittany took out of the loans she spent years paying back for her. She worked her ass off to get where she is today no thanks to Whitney. And to think that she still had to give her money when she was just starting out, struggling to get her new company off the ground…
Santana is absolutely certain Whitney uses none of the money for the “business ventures” she claims to be starting, and just lives off it. Like Brittany is her personal ATM. Its infuriating. Last year, after Jonas was born, Brittany gave her eight-thousand dollars. And it’s not about the money, Santana would give it to anyone in a heartbeat. It’s about the fact that she took it without question, and just.. left. And this is the first time they’ve seen or heard from her since. Brittany worries when she doesn’t hear from her. They have no way of knowing if anything’s happened to her. She always shows up when the money runs out. Sometimes, she asks Brittany to pay for her plane ticket home. Like she knows she’s going to get money, so she doesn’t plan out a way home otherwise.
When Santana was pregnant, Brittany offered to pay for a rental in Copper Hollow for her. They’d had a fight over it, and Santana felt terrible afterwards. On an emotional level she understands. She understands wanting to get that bond with her mother that she never got. But…logically…She sees her wife being taken advantage of, and it upsets her. She couldn’t stand by and watch her hold her hand out every month in their town while doing nothing to improve her situation. And in the end, she would’ve left and broken Brittany’s heart all over again. She can handle giving her money once or twice a year. But to see her here, taking money and not giving anything in return….She knows Brittany thought it would help her bond with their baby, and she knows that’s why it happened when she was pregnant. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that she doesn’t think Whitney wants that kind of bond.
She’s afraid it will happen again the next time she’s pregnant. Santana isn’t a psychiatrist, but Santana thinks that seeing her want the baby she’s carrying does something to Brittany. It’s just.. such a complicated situation that isn’t made better by Whitney’s constant surprise visits. She hates that she wishes it, but sometimes, she thinks it would be better if she just stopped coming by. If she let Brittany go. Let her have closure. That’s the biggest problem. She’s always left Brittany waiting in the driveway. Santana sighs quietly to herself. She has to stop doing this every time. She has to try harder to give her a chance, for Brittany’s sake. But if it makes Brittany happy, at least for now…She’ll deal with it. And Whitney. She would be so glad if she stayed and made things right. She’d personally thank her. But she just…knows she won’t. It’s such a sickening feeling in her gut. This woman is holding the greatest joy of their life, and…it hurts her that she can’t stay for him, and for her own daughter.
But Santana is going to stop thinking about it. She squeezes Brittany’s hand again. Jonas seems to be relaxing in Whitney’s lap a little. She’s playing a weird version of peek-a-boo with him. At least he’s not so tense anymore, and Whitney is being…decent.
“So does he go to daycare?”
“Oh, no. Santana actually stays home with him during the day.”
Brittany nods and looks over at Santana for a second, “Yeah, all day.”
“You must really like babies.”
Santana nods and smiles, “I do, Jonas is a really good baby.”
“He’s kinda quiet.”
“He is, he likes to observe.” Brittany tells her.
“I like that he doesn’t cry.”
Gram rolls her eyes from her chair across the room, but doesn’t say anything. Santana knows that Brittany didn’t cry either. Gram always says that.
“He only really cries when there’s a reason. He really loves our barn, Mom.”
“Yeah, you know, where we had our wedding?”
“I remember, I just didn’t know you took the baby out to the barn.”
“Of course, why not?”
“It’s dirty and smelly.”
“He really loves feeding the animals. And I keep it really clean. It’s kind of our thing…”
“Well…it certainly wouldn’t be mine, but if you like it…I guess, enjoy the stink.”
“Jonas.” Brittany coos. “We milk the cow right?” He makes a noise and grins at her. “And who do we feed?” He points and makes another noise. “That’s right, the chickens.”
Santana exchanges a glance with Janet. She’s never sure how to take Whitney’s responses. She’s kind of waiting for her to ask why he’s not talking. She’s really afraid of it, actually, since Brittany is so concerned by it. She doesn’t know if she’ll be able to monitor her reaction if she says something snide. But maybe Whitney actually has no clue when babies should talk. That’s probably more likely. Or likely she doesn’t care.
“So I was thinkin’, your house is where that mean old lady used to live, right?”
Brittany whips her head up to look at Whitney, “Mom. Please.”
“Have some respect Whitney, that was Santana’s Grandmother,” Janet replies sharply from the chair.
“It’s fine.” Santana waves, shaking her head. “It’s fine.”
That actually offends her less than many things she’s ever said. It could’ve been worse…that’s for sure. She’d much rather her say something about Alma than about Brittany or Jonas. She was a mean old lady. She’s not wrong. Whitney quickly changes the subject, and Santana knows she’s really trying not to offend Brittany today. That in itself makes her increasingly suspicious.
Santana takes a deep breath, “So what’s this big break you’re working on, Whitney?”
Whitney looks up at her and clears her throat, “I’m getting my real estate license!”
That… was not what Santana was expecting. “Oh wow! That’s great! Real estate is a great business.”
“Yeah, well…it’s not completely my real estate license.” Santana furrows her brows, and waits for an explanation or more aptly the catch. “I’m investing in other people getting theirs, and then getting a cut of their profits. How great is that? No work!”
And there it is. Santana’s not even sure that’s legal. Or a thing. She’s investing…investing what?
Santana has a pretty good idea. And she knows damn well Gram said no. Janet Pierce might protest and get into legal trouble that way, but with everything else, she’s above board. This is something else entirely, and entirely Whitney. Santana closes her eyes and takes a breath. She’s going to take Brittany’s money and use it to have other people do work for her. Why can’t this woman just work for a living? Why is it always a get rich quick scheme, or making money off of other people’s hard work, in this case. For all the money Brittany has given her, she could have started a reputable business. She could have made something of her life, especially because she didn’t spend it raising her kid. It just… infuriates Santana.
So much for giving her a chance. That lasted…five minutes. It makes her skin crawl that this…con artist is taking advantage of her wife. She has some kind of nerve. This is the most far-fetched thing she’s ever done. She looks back over at Janet and she’s just shaking her head. But Janet knows as well as Santana that saying something won’t change it. And God, she knows it has to make Brittany feel uncomfortable and dirty too. She can feel herself getting angry. She just wants to go home. Take their son, and go. It’s so hard for her, because sometimes she doesn’t want to compromise. She wants Brittany to want to go. But she doesn’t. She won’t give up the chance. She’ll never understand how she feels, the abandonment she went through. So how could she deny her a chance? And that’s the worst fucking part. Because how can she deny her it? Jonas doesn’t know. He won’t be hurt right now. She clenches her teeth and forces as much of a smile as she can.
Brittany squeezes her hand. She knows Santana’s mad. She can see it, she can feel it. She feels so…torn. She wants her mom to…love her. She knows that Gram and Santana think that her mom is just coming around for money but…maybe that’s not all. Maybe…Maybe she wants her. Maybe she regrets it. Maybe she wants to make up for lost time. She’s holding Jonas. That’s something, right? It has to be. She’s trying. Seeing her with the baby just…really does something. It feels real. Like she cares. And she came. She missed his party but…it’s only a few weeks late. It’s not that bad…Brittany knows she thinks this every time, but it feels different. Maybe she wants to know her grandson. Maybe it will make their relationship good. She wants that so badly. She knows that she shouldn’t get her hopes up. She’s trying not to. She knows Gram and Santana don’t feel the way she does. She gets it. They’ve seen her get so hurt. Gram has been picking up the pieces since she was old enough to realize her mom was her mom.
Brittany chews on her lip. She hates that she has hope. And she knows this thing she wants to do is kind of…not right. But at least she wants to do something…right? This could push her in the right direction. Maybe she’ll realize how much money people make selling real estate. This could be good for her. However…questionable her motives are to begin with. And she’s single again. Not that Brittany has ever met any of her boyfriends since she was a kid, but. Without one…She can focus. And maybe there will be a permanent place for her. But…if…or…when she leaves again, at least Brittany has this memory. Of her being nice to Jonas. That counts for something. He was so scared at first, and now he’s really relaxed. She feels like…that’s good. Maybe he can sense something. Maybe he’s just being Jonas…
It hits her suddenly and pretty hard that everything she ever feared about being a mother disappeared when she first saw his face. Maybe that’s what makes her hopeful about her mom. Maybe he’s the magic she wasn’t. Maybe seeing him will make her want to stay.
“Jonas.” She murmurs. “What do you think of Grandma Whitney?”
She feels Santana’s eyes on her, and she feels a little guilty, like she’s using her son. She’snot.. that’s not…She just…She wants him to like her. She wants to know that he’s not afraid, and she’s not hurting him. God, she just feels so awful all of a sudden. She looks over at Santana and at Gram. She needs reassurance from one of them. Something…So she knows that she’s not horrible. Why does she always feel this way around her mom? Like nothing is right. She’s not herself. God, she remembers putting on dresses when she was a kid. Just in case. It just feels like her whole life has been a revolving door of just in case with her mom. And she never wanted to leave Gram ever, she just wanted her mom to stay and be a happy family with them. Why was that so hard for her, why was that so much to ask for? Sometimes she still wonders why she even went through with the pregnancy. She had to have known that she wasn’t going to stick around.
Brittany thinks she might not have even known. That she was pregnant, not that she’d leave. She was too busy to notice. She knows Gram used to take her to all kinds of doctors when she was little. Brittany never asked, but maybe Whitney was on drugs. A lot is coming up for her right now. She doesn’t feel great. She’s dizzy. This is all…a lot…more than she expected. It has to be because of Jonas, and fearing she’s not a good mother. She takes a deep breath.
“I think he might be wet, I should change him.”
“Oh yeah, I don’t do diapers,” Whitney replies making a face and handing him back to Brittany.
“We know.” Janet snarls. She’s had it tonight. She thinks Santana probably has to, judging by the look on her face.
“I’m just going to take him into the bedroom.” She needs a minute with him. She knows he’s not wet. “I’ll be right back.”
She goes into the back room and just hugs him to her chest. He pats her face softly. “I’m so sorry, my sweet boy.” Guilt just washes over her. He smooshes his little face to hers. “My Jonas. I just want to be the best mommy I can. I always want to take care of you. I’m sorry if you felt afraid at all. I didn’t want that. I never ever want you to be afraid, baby boy.”
He just keeps patting her and smooshing his face into hers. He’s fine. He’s not scared. This is all so blown out of proportion in her head. He loves her, she’s his mommy. And she’s going to give her mom the money she asked for when Gram went to the bathroom. She’d rather give all the money in the world than put Jonas in a situation he’s uncomfortable with. That’s more important than any amount of money. She doesn’t have to use him to get love from her mom. That would make her as bad as…She shakes her head. She’s not. She feared it so much, but she’s not Whitney. She wouldn’t leave him. She would never break his heart. She couldn’t There’s no way she could ever…He’s her world. Santana’s her world. They complete her. Even if she does have this…hole. She’s got a family now and she’s going to make sure they never feel the way she did…does…
She will never let Jonas feel this way. She will never let him have to hope and pray for her love. He will always know she loves him, no matter what. She’ll make sure of it. She should go back out there. If her mom gets mad, then… alone with Gram and Santana, it could go really bad…They can go soon. They need to get Jonas home anyway. It’s late, and she wants to have some time with just the three of them. She wants him not to fall asleep in the car. Honestly she needs some time to recover from this…She feels like she has whiplash. She kisses Jonas’ head one more time and carries him back to the living room. No fighting…that’s a good sign. It’s just…silent. Santana has her hands tucked into her lap, and Brittany knows she wants to go.
“Um, I think we should probably get the baby home. It’s getting late…” Brittany trails off, and Santana looks at her, making sure she really is ready. She just nods, she needs to get them out of here. "If you don’t mind getting him in the car, Santana, I just need like…two minutes? Gram, maybe you can help her with his stuff for me?”
“Sure, I can do that.”
Brittany can feel Santana’s eyes on her. Her neck and face heats up. Part of her hates herself that she’s doing this. She knows she probably shouldn’t. But…The other part keeps screaming maybe this is the time. Just in case. Brittany bites her lip, as Santana takes Jonas says goodbye to her mom. Santana takes Jonas out to the car without looking back.
“So um…mom, how much do you need to borrow?” She hates this part of it all. She feels so stupid.
“I could live with ten, but fifteen is what I really need.”
“Um, wow. Okay.” She doesn’t know how to say no. It’s so much, but she just…Writes the check. Like an idiot.
Whitney plucks it from her hand with two fingers, “Thanks, kid. Guess I’ll see ya when I see ya.”
“Are you…not staying?” She hates that she even asks. Especially when she already knows the answer.
“You know this town’s got nothin’ much for me kid.”
Brittanys stomach turns and she swallows hard, “Yeah.”
That was…maybe the most painful thing she’s ever heard. She’ll never change. And now she gave her this. So much money. So much money. For what. She held Jonas. She talked to him. She seemed like she cared. But she just…doesn’t.
“We’re…having Thanksgiving at our house, Mom. Santana’s parents are coming, if you wanted to come…It’s not like, a big thing or anything..”
“Oh, you know I don’t do holiday things.”
“Yeah.” Brittany takes a breath and swallows. “I know. I just thought I’d let you know, in case you wanted to.”
“Uh huh, cool.” Whitney looks at the check in her hands, and Brittany sees that she has checked out. “Didn’t you have to go or something?”
“Uh huh…yeah…I need to get Jonas to bed…” She nods, lump in her throat.
“K, have fun with that.”
“Can I maybe…” Brittany moves to hug her. Whitney looks at her strangely and pats her back awkwardly. “Well bye Mom…I’ll see you soon.”
“Yep, see ya.”
Brittany goes out to the driveway and Gram is standing there. Gram backs away from the car and Santana rolls the window up. Brittany sucks in a breath, she knows Santana is pissed. She’s going to be even more pissed about the check she wrote…She doesn’t know if she can handle an argument. She doesn’t blame her if she’s angry though. She’s angry at herself. She can’t believe she thought it would be different. She falls for this crap every time. Whitney knows exactly how to dangle the carrot. To make her think it’ll be different. She can’t keep doing this to herself. Gram walks up to her and puts her arms around Brittany.
“Hi baby girl.”
“I told her not to ask you. So I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head, “I know, I knew she would. I just…she liked Jonas.”
Gram sighs, “I know.”
“I’m sorry Gram. I’m really, really sorry.”
“Oh sweetheart, it’s not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Is Santana mad?”
“She's…upset at the situation mostly. It’s hard for her to watch you get hurt, honey.”
“I thought it was different…again. God, I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, she just knows exactly how to work your emotions. She always has. She could get whatever she wanted out of you when you were five. And she exploited the hell out of that particular little skill. And now that you have more, she takes more.”
“I hate that I fall for it, I hate myself every single time but I just can’t say no.”
“I know, sweetheart. You’ve always wanted her love. And if it weren’t for that, she wouldn’t ever be welcome in my house again.” Janet pats Brittany’s shoulder, and Brittany sighs, she’s exhausted. “Honey, go home. Take that sweet boy of yours and hug him tight. I’ll deal with your mother.”
“Sorry to leave you with her…”
“I gave birth to her, I can deal with her. Something tells me she won’t be here long anyway.”
“I love you, Brittany honey.”
“I love you too, Gram. Thank you for watching Jonas today. And for everything else.”
“Anything for you, baby girl. We’ll chat in the morning?”
“Yeah definitely.” She nods. “We’ll talk about your mayor stuff. I’m gonna give Santana some more work time, so me and Jonas will be free.”
Gram smiles softly, “Sounds good, come around if you want some company.”
“Thank you, we just might.”
Brittany hugs her so tightly before she opens the driver’s side door and Santana just stares out the passenger side window. Brittany swallows thickly and puts the car in reverse. Santana is so angry, she doesn’t even know what to say to Brittany. She doesn’t even want to ask how much money it was this time. She wants to know but God, she doesn’t. And she’s afraid she’ll snap at her. She can’t handle the way she gets manipulated. She doesn’t blame her. She just…ugh. They have a baby. And Brittany works so damn hard for her money. She’s bone tired every damn day. And this woman…Santana bites her tongue. She shakes her head to herself.
“Santana.” Brittany whispers.
Santana swallows hard, she’s not sure she can answer her yet. Jonas babbles away in the back seat. She turns back to look at him. He’s so much less tense now that he’s out of there.
“Almost home, sweet boy.” She murmurs.
She just…is so frustrated and if she’s talking to him, she won’t snap at Brittany. She needs some time to cool off before she can talk to her. She doesn’t even know how much. And she knows she might blow when she finds out. She might be right back in this car to let Whitney have it. She’d certainly deserve it. She takes another deep breath and watches the farms pass by outside the window in the dark. She just can’t look at Brittany. They were having such a good day. And now she’s pissed off, and she’s being shitty to Brittany when it’s not even her fault. She squeezes her eyes closed and rubs her forehead.
“I love you…” Brittany whispers again.
“Brittany.” It makes her chest ache.
“I’m sorry you’re mad.” She mumbles, and Santana shakes her head and sighs. “I didn’t know what to do. I never know what to do. She held Jonas and…I just…I just thought…If I gave her the money, that she might want to stay.”
Brittany shakes her head at herself. She doesn’t want to self-pity. Santana’s mad, and she’s not going to do that right now.
“How much did she ask for?” Santana clenches her fist, biting the bullet.
Brittany chews on her lip as she pulls into the driveway and puts the car in park. “Fifteen…”
“Fifteen,” Santana replies blankly, and feels her voice raising. “Well I know she didn’t ask for fifteen dollars.”
"Thousand…” Brittany mumbles.
“Are you fu—” Santana remembers Jonas in the back seat, and bites her lip until it starts to bleed
“I’m sorry. ”
“Brittany.” She takes a breath. “I’m going to get out of this car and walk to this house and take a few minutes before I say something I regret.”
“I just need five minutes, Brittany. I don’t want to fight with you, but I need to keep myself from doing that.” Brittany looks down at the steering wheel and nods. “You can take Jonas to do the milking if you want, or if not, I’ll take him with me.”
“I’ll take him.”
“Okay.” Santana unclips her belt and Brittany watches her stalk up to the house.
Brittany doesn’t think she’s ever seen her this mad. She’s going to take her time with the chores in the barn. She gets out and unbuckles Jonas, hugging him to her.
“You’re going to the barn in your PJs, buddy.” She forces a smile, “How fun is that?” He points to the barn and babbles a little. He keeps looking up at the house where Santana went. “Mama’s going to get into her pajamas too, Jonas. Then we’ll maybe light a fire inside, since you’re very wide awake!”
She really feels like shit that Jonas wants Santana, and she’s lying. He claps and babbles.
“You like that, huh?” She grabs his shoes from the baby bag and carries him toward the barn. “Hello our animal friends.” He waves his hand excitedly. “What do you think? You want to feed the chickens or I’ll hold you while I do?” He opens and closes his hand. “Okay then.” She smiles, even though she’s a wreck inside, and sets him down. “Come get the chicken feed.”
He grabs a handful of chicken feed but keeps his free hand around her leg, “You’re so good at balancing, buddy. You want to hold my hand instead of my leg?”
She reaches her hand down and he grasps on. He holds her so tight, and she wants to cry. That’s all she ever wanted. Just knowing her baby trusts her, it’s…both the best and the hardest thing. She has to be the best for him. She has to be worthy of his trust. And tonight…she doesn’t necessarily feel like she is. She’s.. ashamed of herself. It’s money that could have been for him. That could have gone toward trying for their next baby. And instead, she used it for selfish reasons. She gave it away. For nothing. There’s nothing here worth staying for. She really said that. After holding her grandson Brittany feels a sob choke her throat, but she can’t cry in front of the baby. He’s smiling and feeding his chickens. She can’t do this again though. She can’t keep doing this. Santana must hate her. She has a mind to call and cancel the check. But.
If she does that…It’s really over. She’d never see her mom again. And she’s not ready. She can’t say goodbye yet. She shakes her head. She looks down at Jonas. Her world. After he goes to sleep, she’ll talk to Santana. She needs to apologize. She needs…God, she just needs her to not be mad. She feels like shit enough. She knows it was wrong. She needs…She really needs her.
She sighs. This is her own fault. She spent the whole day trying to destress Santana, and now…It was all for nothing. She compounded the problem by a thousand times. She looks down at Jonas again and he keeps throwing handfuls of food and giggling. Her sweet boy.
“I think they’re nice and full, Jonas. What do you think?” He looks up at her with his big brown eyes and that smile. She lifts him up and hugs him tight again. “I love you, Jonas Michael.”
He smooshes a kiss to her face. “Can Mommy milk the cow, and then you can help with the hay?” He points at the cow. “That’s right. Do you want to pet her first?” He pats Brittany’s face. “You’re petting me first? That feels so nice.”
He giggles at her and keeps patting her. It’s so soothing to her, she can’t even explain. He forgives her. He still loves her. She lets him pet the cow, and she sits him on the hay bale outside the stall. He’s not usually here for the night milking. She’s so glad he’s close. She needed this tonight. She talks to him the whole time, reassuring him she’s here, that he’s safe. He babbles back at her and giggles to himself. She takes slow breaths as she finishes the milking, and dips her finger in the bucket to give Jonas just the smallest taste.
“Whatcha think about that?” He makes a strange face and sticks out his tongue. “I know, I bet you love it much more from your mama, not a cow.“ She sucks in a breath, "Lets give Sophia some hay and then we’ll go see Mama okay?”
He fists the hay in the bale beneath him. God, he’s so smart. “That’s right, the hay! Come here.” She lifts him up and grabs the pitchfork with her other hand. “Ready, one hand here, and we’ll pitch it together.“ He puts his hand by Brittany’s and looks up at her. That’s perfect love.” She smiles and the pitch all the hay in together. He squeals and laughs. “So big! Look at that! We’re all done! Good job! Ready to get Mama?”
Jonas points back behind Brittany. Brittany smiles tightly. She’s nervous. She doesn’t know what to expect. She’s never seen Santana this angry. It scares her. What if she leaves her? What if she fucked this up for good. This was such a big mistake. And she doesn’t know how to fix it. She should have asked her first. She should’ve not let her mom corner her. She should've…She feels like every step she takes to the house is painfully slow. She feels so terrible all around. Guilty and hurt and…embarrassed. She takes a breath and walks in the door. Santana is on the couch under a blanket with a glass of red wine. Jonas babbles and points at her.
“Hi baby boy.” Santana smiles at him. “Let me see you.”
Brittany takes him over to her and gently hands him to her, careful not to touch her, “Do…um…are you cold? Should I make a fire?“
"Sure.” Santana’s tone is so flat and Brittany’s heart hurts.
She just goes over to the fireplace and starts putting wood in. She hears her talking to Jonas and it makes her heart hurt worse. She knows Santana won’t fight with her when he’s here. She gets the fire going and just stares at it. She can’t handle the silence. It’s…scary. She doesn’t know how to even…approach this. If she can…or if she should wait for Santana…She said she needed to cool off. If she’s not cool yet…She might make it worse. So, she just stands here and stares into the fireplace.
“You want to go down, Jonas?” She hears Santana. “Stay away from the hot fire, okay?”
Brittany turns to them and Jonas is standing at by the couch pointing at her, “Hi baby, you want to come over here?” He points and makes a noise. Brittany is just watching him stand. “Come to mommy, baby.”
He keeps staring at her. Brittany’s heart aches just seeing him. Her boy. He lifts his little foot and keeps staring.
She lifts her brows and motions him to her, “C'mere.” He puts his foot down and puts his other one up. Brittany sucks in a breath "That’s it, you’ve got it.” He takes a step and Brittany holds her breath. “Jonas…you’re walking!” Brittany looks at Santana and just…tears up “San…He’s walking. Our baby.”
Santana is just sitting there with her hand over her mouth. Jonas keeps getting closer and closer to Brittany, who kneels down so she’s at his level and laughs a little “Look at you! Come give Mommy a hug.”
“You’re doing so great, my love.” Santana whispers.
Santana catches Brittany’s eyes again. Brittany’s heart beats hard in her chest. She smiles a little at her. Santana smiles back, looking at Jonas. She can’t believe he’s walking. Tonight of all nights. They needed this. Something…Something to break the tension. Jonas makes it all the way to Brittany and falls into her arms.
“My boy. My sweet boy. You did it!” She kisses all over his face. “You walked! You walked to Mommy!” He giggles and pats her face. “I love you so much.”
Santana comes over to them and kneels down, “My love, you’re such a big boy!”
He falls back onto Santana’s lap and hugs her. She holds him close and kisses his messy curls. He’s so sleepy in her arms and she knows he needs to go to bed, even though they’re so excited.
“Alright baby boy, I bet that took a lot out of you huh? How about we walk some more tomorrow?”
“I can take him up to bed, Santana.”
It feels strange to talk to her so directly…knowing they’re still…whatever they are. In a fight? Arguing? She doesn’t even know. She knows Santana is still upset. Even with being excited about Jonas. They’re still going to have to have a conversation after he’s in bed. And she’s terrified. She’s still afraid she won’t forgive her. It’s been too many times. She keeps doing this.
Fifteen thousand dollars. Jesus Christ. Why did she do this?
“Yeah, you can take him up, Brittany.”
“Yeah, of course.” Brittany takes Jonas, still careful not to touch Santana. “Say goodnight to Mama.”
He smooshes his little face to Santana’s. God, Brittany hopes they’re not broken. How could she handle not having this? Being distant from Santana. A few hours ago, they were talking about another baby. Now…she doesn’t even know. She sighs, and puts Jonas over her shoulder.
Santana settles back onto the couch under her blanket with her wine. She’s a swirl of conflicting emotions at the moment. Her son just walked, and it’s not how she envisioned it. She thought she’d kiss Brittany forever when it happened. But instead, Brittany is scared to even touch her. They barely made eye contact. She just feels…she doesn’t know the word. The Whitney thing really got her in a state. Not the money, completely, but…that she gave it to her. She just…she has to know that her mom is using her. And she’s so torn, because how can she be the one to say that? How could she hurt her that way? She can’t. She won’t. She just…Maybe she’s an asshole for being mad, a terrible wife. All Brittany wants is that woman to love her. Can she really fault her for thinking that if she does this, maybe she will? She’s spent her whole life doing just that. Giving and giving on the off chance that she’ll get the tiniest bit of love in return.
It breaks Santana’s heart, and maybe that’s why she’s so angry. Seeing the woman she loves used. It’s awful. She takes another long sip of her wine. She’s not looking forward to having this conversation. Brittany comes back downstairs a few minutes later. She sort of lingers by the fireplace, stoking the flames. Santana has never seen her so…hesitant to be near her. Like she’s afraid of her.
“Brittany?” Brittany swallows thickly and turns around slowly to face her. “You can come sit with me.”
She bites her lip and nods, slowly making her way over to the couch and sitting a fair distance away from Santana, “I’m…I’m so sorry Santana.” She twists her hands in her lap.
Santana sighs, “I’m not…mad at you. Not really.”
“I'm…upset, at the situation.” She’s trying to be as delicate as she can without just…Saying what she feels. “It’s a lot of money for a person to ask for, Brittany. Just out of the blue. And it’s a lot to…give someone so quickly. We didn’t even talk about it. It’s not the money. It’s just…I feel like it should have been a conversation between us. I know she’s your mom, but…”
“You’re right. You’re right, I should’ve talked to you. I shouldn’t have done it at all.” Brittany buries her face in her hands. Her throat is choked up and she knows she’s going to cry. Guilt just consumes her.
“Britt. I understand why you did it. I just hate seeing you get hurt every time she comes into town. I hate that…that she doesn’t seem to care what she does to you. That she just takes you for what you have, and leaves you wanting her to treat you well. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s different this time, but…”
“It’s not.” Brittany mumbles.
“It’s not?” Santana looks at her, though she hasn’t moved her hands from her face.
“She’s still leaving. She has no interest in me, in us, in anything but herself. She told me there’s nothing in Copper Hollow for her.”
Santana swallows, she has to ask. “Before you gave her the money?”
Brittany lets out a short mirthless laugh, “After.”
Santana’s hands clench, and she nearly breaks the stem of her wineglass. It just gets her even more angry.
Brittany shakes her head, “I don’t know why I fall for this every time. I don’t, San. I end up fighting with you, and…For what? She doesn’t love me. She never has. I just can’t understand it. Like, if she didn’t love me because of…how I am, and I’m not enough of a girl, or…”
“Brittany. That’s not…that’s not why. She left way before she ever knew you.”
“I was never like a girl though. I would try so hard when she’d come, I’d wear dresses and Gram would braid my hair, and then…I’d just…I’d have to go run around and I’d come in all dirty and gross and…”
“Brittany. Listen to me. This has nothing to do with you. It never did.”
“How do you know that, Santana? How do you know that if I would have stayed nice and not gotten dirty, she wouldn’t have stayed?”
“Because she left you when you were an infant. She had no intention of raising you. If she did, she would’ve stayed, it wouldn’t have mattered what you did, who you are. Think about Jonas. Think about how you feel about him as a mother.”
“But maybe that’s not normal.”
Santana pulls back and looks at her, “Loving your child without conditions isn’t normal?”
“I don’t know! What if I’m being selfish with him? If I love him so much because I want his love?”
“What if he grows up and is mortified by me?”
"Why would he be mortified by a mother who loves him, who respects him and only wants the best for him. Who respects herself enough to be herself. Think of the message he’s going to learn from you. About how brave it is to be yourself no matter what? He adores you and he always will.”
“You don’t know that, Santana. You don’t.”
“I know that there’s no way that he could possibly be mortified by you. I do know that. Because we are raising a good person.”
“I grew up in this town, I hear what people say.”
“And they’re small minded. Are we small minded?”
“That doesn’t matter! I shouldn’t have told you. I should have just…been who you thought I was when you met me.”
“You are who I thought you were. The clothes you wear don’t change the person you are, Britt. I love you exactly for who you are. Now and then. Do you have any idea how much I love you?” Santana looks into her eyes. “You are my everything. I love every single part of you. I may be upset about what happened with your mother, and maybe a little frustrated with you, but I don’t love you any less. Nothing could make me love you any less, Britt. You need to know that. But we do have to talk about what happened. Because I do feel a little hurt. It’s up to you if we talk about that, or how you’re feeling first.”
Santana hates that she has to do this right now when all she wants to do is take Brittany into her arms, but…They can’t just pretend this didn’t happen. Brittany gave her mother fifteen thousand dollars without even talking it over. She understands why, but it doesn’t make her feel less shitty.
“So. Which do you want to talk about first?”
Brittany looks into her lap. “The money. I’m…I’m so sorry. I…don’t even know…I just…knew you wouldn’t be happy and then…I knew it but I couldn’t stop myself from just…hoping.”
“I get that, Britt, but this is another scam. If she was using the money for something…normal, and you talked to me about it, I would get it. ”
“I know. I know.”
“Your reputation, Brittany. So much of it rides on the fact that you’re the most honest, upstanding person, and what happens if….” Santana sucks in a breath, centering herself so she doesn’t yell at her. Brittany rubs her eyes and slumps further. She feels so stupid and embarrassed. “She is just the very opposite of every fiber of who you are. I’m not trying to make you feel worse, Britt.”
“No I know, but I hurt you. It’s not like it’s just my money. I just…didn’t have the right…”
“It’s not the money, I just…I need you to talk to me about it. I need you to think about yourself too. Think about your own well-being when she does stuff like this. I get scared, Brittany. I’m terrified that someday she’ll break you completely. And then what? I don’t want it to get to that point. Sometimes, Britt, I feel…” Santana tries really hard to put this gently, “That you don’t always open up to me about her.”
Brittany swallows hard and runs her hand through her hair. “I don’t want you to…to hate her more. I know you do hate her already.”
“I don’t…I don’t hate her Brittany. I hate a lot of the things she’s done because she’s hurt the people I love. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to me about her. I want to know. I want you to tell me everything you’re feeling. Sometimes I feel like I know more from Gram than from you, and I don’t feel comfortable with that. It feels like I’m keeping a secret.”
Brittany shakes her head, “I’m sorry. I don’t even know where to start. Do you want to know my first memory of her? Or will it make you mad?”
“I want to know whatever you want to tell me.”
Santana takes another sip of her wine, and slides a little closer to Brittany, offering her the glass if she wants some. She wants to bridge this divide. Brittany gingerly takes her glass and takes a sip.
“I was five.” She starts slowly. “Gram said she hadn’t been back for like two years at that point.“
Santana resists shaking her head. Who leaves their three year old for two years without visiting.
"I didn’t know what was going on at the time, I didn’t even know who she was. But she showed up with this boyfriend, and this big Barbie dream house. I didn’t even care about Barbie but I was five and she said she was my mom. And I thought…her boyfriend was my dad, and I was going to not just have a Gram anymore, like all the other kids in kindergarten. I didn’t even know I had a mom, Santana. She showed up, and I thought she was beautiful. It was like…some sort of fairy tale in my head. I didn’t see how snide she was, I thought she was there to stay forever. I sat so nicely at the table and tried to be the biggest girl I could be.” But she obviously wasn’t really interested in me at all. And as soon as she figured out Gram wouldn’t give her any money… she was gone. But I played with that Barbie house for a year. I had the mom Barbie and the me Barbie and the Gram Barbie. My happy little Barbie family.“
Santana feels her heart breaking and her rage bubbling
"I had a happy childhood with my Gram. I know it was way better than anything I would’ve had with Whitney. I know that. I just…I wish things could’ve been different. That’s just something I’m always chasing. I don’t know how to turn it off, San.”
“Baby…I hate that you have to feel this.”
Brittany shakes her head, “I should be over it.”
“You shouldn’t be over anything you’re not ready to be And she keeps coming back.”
“Can I tell you more, Santana?” Something has just…broken inside Brittany, and she can’t stop letting it out now.
“Of course, honey. You can tell me as much as you want.”
“She…wanted me once.” Santana furrows her brows at Brittany’s words. “When I was seven, she told me we were going to run away.”
Brittany nods slowly, tears filling her eyes.
Santana can’t even believe that, “What…what happened?”
“She told me Gram couldn’t come, and that I had to keep it a secret.”
“She…she was going to kidnap you?”
“I…I don’t know. Can someone kidnap you if they’re your mom? I know Gram had legal custody, but…I don’t know what the rules are.”
“I mean…yeah I’m pretty sure that would be considered kidnapping…” Santana shakes her head, “Go on, sorry…”
“I told Gram, I didn’t want to leave my Gram. She was…all I ever had. And I didn’t want her to be sad. She was…so mad at Mom. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Gram that mad. I sat at the top of the stairs and listened, even though Gram thought I was in bed. She told her if she took me, she’d have her arrested. Mom tried to argue that she was my mom, but Gram told her she hadn’t been a mother since I was born. And then…she asked her why she decided now that she wanted me. Why after seven years and only a handful of visits? She had…met someone. Not the Ken doll dad. And Gram got really quiet, and I was worried she was going to change her mind. But then…then she said I wasn’t a prop. I wasn’t something she could come and get to impress her newest boyfriend. And Mom yelled a lot of stuff about taking her to court, and how she didn’t own me. And Gram said any court in the country would see who was the better fit for me. And no one owned me, I was a child not a handbag. She started saying really mean stuff to Gram then, about how she’d pull her arrest records. And that she was a good for nothing hippie loser. Then Gram kicked her out and told her to get out and not come back. But she came back again the next day, banging on the door and yelling for me to open it up. I didn’t. She had been such a bitch to Gram…I just…I didn’t want to see her. And I cried so much, I didn’t know what to do. I kept wanting her to want me, but I wanted her to stay with me and Gram. I wanted us to be a family…Mom said we were going to go to Colorado. I didn’t even know where that was.”
Santana is just…taken aback. This is so much worse than she ever realized. Her poor wife. She wants to hug her close, but she also wants her to keep talking. She feels like this is a breakthrough, and she can tell she wants to say more, and doesn’t want to interrupt it. Brittany shakes her head and takes a long pull from Santana’s wine glass.
“Gram didn’t send me to school for a week. I’ve never seen her so afraid. I’m still pretty sure she bought a gun, I don’t know.”
“I think…Mom was on something then. She was different. I don’t know…But I would lay in bed and think about her. She wanted me, and I didn’t keep her secret. I ruined it. I ruined my one chance. I hardly even knew her but…but she’s my mom. That counts for something right?”
Santana nods slowly. She just doesn’t know what to say. She knows everything Brittany is saying is impossible. She might actually hate Whitney at this point. Maybe Brittany was right about that. And she knows there’s more. She can see how Brittany rests her lip on the wine glass and leans in toward her.
“I just…started to blame myself. For everything. I became really withdrawn, and that’s when I started doing bad in school. I just…I guess that’s when I got broken.”
“You’re not broken, Brittany. You’re hurt and rightfully so.” Santana takes a slow breath, wishing she had more wine. “When did she come back again?”
“When I was ten.”
“Ten?” Santana bites her tongue. Three years, after she tried to take her. Three years. “I guess she didn’t call those lawyers after all…”
“They broke up. I guess he thought she was kind of shitty that she couldn’t even get her kid back. He was a teacher. She didn’t come back for me that time. She came back for money. She barely even spent time with me. She told Gram she should give me more baths, because I smelled like outside, and kids would make fun of me. That’s when I realized she hated that I had ever been born, I guess.”
“I don’t know who she wants me to be. I’ve been trying for twenty-three years to be who she wants me to, every time she shows up. It never works, she’s always disappointed. I don’t understand it. How can I be what she wants if she hates everything I do?” Santana swallows thickly. She doesn’t know what to say without hurting Brittany. Brittany sighs and rubs her eyes, “I think…I think I’m all tapped out on that for tonight, San…is that okay?”
“Honey, whatever you need. Do you want to talk about the baby?”
She nods tiredly, “Yeah I’d really like that. Do you want to come under the blanket with me and let me hold you while we do? Do you want more wine?”
“Yeah both of those things sound really good.”
“Do you want me to heat you up something to eat too? I know we ate early, and you have the world’s fastest metabolism.” After everything that came out, Santana just wants to care for her.
“Are you hungry too, San? Cause we could just go into the kitchen and eat something first. I just…really wanna be close to you.”
“I’m not really hungry, but if you want to come in with me while I make you something, we can bring it back in here.”
Brittany nods, “Yeah.” Santana takes her hand, and Brittany pulls on it a little. “Thank you…for just…listening and still loving me. For everything really.”
Santana leads her into the kitchen and helps her into a chair. She can feel how fragile she is. It’s rare. Brittany is always the strong one. Her rock. She places a tender kiss on her forehead.
“What would you like to eat, sweetheart?”
Brittany shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t want you to go crazy cooking for me.”
“Babe…I want to make you some food. Whatever you want.”
“You can just make me eggs and toast. That’ll be fine.”
Santana hates how her voice sounds. She really contemplates sneaking out after Brittany falls asleep later to let Whitney have it.
“How about a bacon egg and cheese sandwich?”
“Okay…yeah, that sounds good. You always make them the best.”
Santana smiles and kisses her head again, “Let me get you a wine glass before I do that. Or do you want a beer?”
“Oh.. yeah that sounds good.”
Santana nods and goes to the refrigerator. She would give Brittany anything in the world right now to make her less sad. This night has been such a rollercoaster, and she’s kind of afraid it’s just getting started. She just really wants her to be able to calm down. She can see how distressed she is. She grabs a beer out of the fridge and pops off the cap before handing it back to Brittany. She stands behind her and squeezes her shoulders a little. They’re just so tense.
“You okay?” She murmurs.
“Are you still really mad at me?”
Santana shakes her head, “I…I understand a lot more now. I’m more upset with Whitney than anything but, ” she lets out a long sigh, “There’s really no good point in that right now either.”
“I don’t know how to be mad at her.” Brittany said she was going to stop talking about it, she’s so tired, but…I don’t know what could push me over the edge.“
"Baby, we don’t have to talk about it anymore tonight. You’ve let out a lot tonight.”
“I’m just so scared you’re mad at me for not being mad.“
“I’m not mad at you, I promise. Britt?”
“Can I tell you something that I need you to know?”
“Yeah, of course.” Brittany bites her lip and takes a deep breath.
“Even if I get upset with something that happens, that doesn’t mean I love you any less. I’m never going to leave you behind, okay?” Santana tells her, and Brittany swallows and nods. “I need you to tell me that you understand that.“
"I understand. I got…afraid of it before.”
"I’m not going anywhere, Brittany. Not now, not ever. Tonight, I’m going to make you dinner, and we’re going to sit and talk about things that make you happy, and about how much I love you.” Santana kisses her and goes to the stove. She thinks eating will help.
“You’re so good to me. I…I don’t know what I did to deserve you…“
Santana puts butter in the pan and turns on the burner, “Brittany, you deserve everything. Everything. So much more than you were given. I just want to give you that.”
Brittany inhales sharply, she’s so afraid she’s going to start to cry. She doesn’t feel like she deserves the love she’s given. She hates that her mom made her this way. She hates that she questions every single thing she does. She walks around looking strong and sure, but sometimes she feels like she’s breaking inside. She sighs and takes a sip of her beer. She watches Santana at the stove, the way she watches the eggs so carefully in one pan, and fries the bacon in the other. She always makes sure it’s exactly how she likes it. She really is the best wife. The best person.
“Baby, do you want your roll buttered tonight or no?“ Brittany can’t help but snort quietly.
Santana turns around, “I knew that would make you smile.”
"I can’t resist a good innuendo.”
“You know I’ll butter your roll in both ways…especially if it’ll make you feel relaxed.“ Santana wants to do whatever it takes to calm her down. She hates seeing her distraught.
Brittany shakes her head a little, "You don’t have to do that, San.”
“Brittany, baby, I don’t want to push anything on you when you’re feeling down. I’m just saying that I love to make you feel good, so if that helps, after dinner, we can do whatever you want.
Brittany nods, "Yeah, maybe.”
Santana flips the egg and kisses her forehead, “But being serious for right now, do you want butter on this roll?”
“Yes, please. Thank you.”
Santana gets her sandwich ready, refills her wine glass, and grabs a second beer in case Brittany wants it before she sits down across from her.
“Do you need anything else, Britt?”
“Just you. Thank you for making me dinner.”
“Baby, of course. You know I love to cook for you.” Santana smiles. “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
“Jonas…he walked tonight…”
“He walked to you, Britt.”
“I…still can’t even…” She shakes her head, “He just walked over like he made up his mind.”
“He knew his Mommy needed that. He loves you so much, Brittany, I can’t even fathom how deep it is.“
“I love him too, God. So much has happened today.”
“I feel like today has been a hundred years long. But can I tell you something that I need you to know tonight?”
“Of course, always.”
“Do you know who I see when I look at Jonas?” Santana asks, and Brittany cocks her head to the side a little.
“You. It’s all I see.” Santana whispers.
Brittany looks down for a second, “Baby…”
“I know he looks just like me, but I don’t know, I just don’t see me at all. He’s all you. He’s your boy, Britt. I know he took like five steps, but…I feel like he’s going to have your walk. Your mannerisms… kind of everything, if I’m being honest. And he wants to be just like you. I can see it. Remember when he was a little baby and as soon as you’d talk to me, he’d babble?”
Brittany smiles softly and nods. Hearing Santana say these things tonight, it’s just…something she needs. She doesn’t want to ask her to say more, but…God, it’s so good to hear. Her son…he’s just like her. Something she’s so insecure about. And she knows that it’s never a thing with Santana, but she’s just…never wanted Jonas to think less of her. Especially after today. After she…did what she did, make him sit with her mom. She’s just glad he’s so little. He won’t remember this…She has time to make it up to him. She won’t let it ever happen again. The next time her mom comes… if she comes back. Brittany swallows hard at the thought.
“Baby?” Santana looks at her with concern. “You okay?”
Brittany sucks in a deep breath. She’s a little afraid to speak, in case she starts crying again. Santana rubs her thumb back and forth across the top of her hand. She can see the tears in Brittany’s eyes, and she hates that. She didn’t think talking about Jonas would upset her. It was supposed to make her feel better.
“I…I don’t want to fail him.” Brittany manages.
“Oh sweetheart, you won’t. You know how I know that?”
“Because you want the very best for him. Always. Since the moment I got pregnant. You’ve been the very best mommy a little boy could have, and that’s not going to change. I mean it when I say he waits for you every day. Brittany, when we’re out and we see a truck that looks like yours, he goes crazy. He adores you. You could never fail him, honey. Look at you every night, no matter how tired you are. You were working fifteen hour days in the summer, and still coming home, spending time with him, and bathing him and putting him to bed. You're…you’re incredible, Brittany. God, I think you’re a better mom than me all the time.”
“No way…that’s impossible.”
“Britt, you should see yourself with him. It makes me cry sometimes, how beautiful you are together. You’re so amazing, baby. Don’t sell yourself short.”
“I just…don’t ever want to be her. I never want to hurt that boy. You know that you’re the love of my life, Santana, but…he’s my different great love.”
“I know, and I love that so much.” Santana’s heart thumps. “Do you want to take a bath, Brittany? Do you think that might loosen some tension?“
Brittany sucks in a breath and nods, "That sounds really good right now.”
“Do you want to take one on your own, or do you want me to come hold you in there?”
“Would you? I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“Hey.” Santana tilts Brittany’s chin up and kisses her lips, wiping butter away from her chin with her thumb. “I’d really love that, I just want to make sure you don’t need space.”
“I kind of need you close…I…I didn’t think you’d want to be close to me tonight but I really need it.”
“Sweetheart, tonight, making you feel loved and cherished is what’s most important to me. I’ll leave the dishes for morning, and we’ll go up now.”
“Are you sure? I can get the dishes really quick…”
“No, leave them. I’m not worried about anything but you, okay? Everything else is…done. It’s in the past. We’ll move forward.”
“Okay. Okay.” Brittany nods and stands to follow Santana.
When they get upstairs, Brittany stands over the bed staring at Jonas while Santana runs the bath. It feels…very reversed tonight. Brittany usually calms Santana in the tub, but instead, Santana is doing it for her, and she just keeps staring at her perfect son. He is the sweetest boy that she doesn’t feel like she deserves. She’s so beyond lucky. She feels like she should have to sleep on the couch tonight, but Santana… She’s way better than she deserves. She cooked her dinner. She’s running her a bath. After everything. She’s going to hold her in the tub. That’s…just…She shakes her head. How could she love her so much? When sometimes she loathes herself. She just doesn’t understand it. She could have chosen anyone.
God, Brittany hates when she’s like this. Her mom always brings this side of her out. She wishes she could tell her to be gone forever. She’d give all the money in the world to be able to do that. But she knows it won’t matter, she’d just keep coming back for more. Why does she not tell her to go? She wouldn’t be losing anything. Not really. She’s such a coward. Her mom probably thinks she’s pathetic, giving her money, like she’s begging for love. She is pathetic. It makes her feel sick to her stomach. When Whitney is gone, she’s this strong wife and mother. But she reverts to a child when she’s around…it’s so frustrating.
She feels Santana’s hand on the small of her back, and turns to see her standing in her robe, “The bath is ready, sweetheart. With my lavender salts.”
Brittany sucks in a slow breath and nods, “Thank you, baby.” She can’t express how she needs to be in Santana’s arms, to feel her skin on skin.
“Of course. Are you ready?”
“Yeah. Yeah. You’re sure you want to be near me though, Santana? Because…”
“I’m positive, there’s nowhere I’d rather be. But if you’ve decided that you need space, Britt, that’s absolutely fine too.”
“No…Santana, I really…I really need you. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to if you’re still upset, and—” Brittany gasps for breath. She doesn’t…know how to not be needy tonight.
Santana presses carefully against Brittany and wraps her arms around her, “Baby, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I want to hold you and kiss you and…whatever else you need in the bath. I want you to feel how I love you.”
Brittany swallows thickly and closes her eyes, “Okay. We can go in.”
Santana kisses her neck, “Okay.” She leads Brittany so gently into the bathroom, “Can I undress you?”
Brittany just nods. Santana unbuttons her flannel, and kisses her collarbone. It’s so hard for her to explain how fragile her strong wife feels under her touch. Brittany just keeps her eyes closed and tries not to break.
“Oh, baby.” Santana’s hands shake. She feels like she wants to kill Whitney.
Brittany lets out a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. I…”
“Shh, shh, it’s okay sweetheart. Everything’s okay. I promise you, it’s all going to be okay. Let me take care of you now.” Santana whispers, and Brittany nods slowly, she can’t do anything else. Santana gets her shirt off and carefully helps her out of her jeans. “I’m going to take your bra and underwear off, okay?”
Brittany nods and whispers, “Okay.”
It’s her wife, she shouldn’t feel so strange. Santana peels her underthings off and she shivers. She rarely gets in this state, it’s only happened a handful of times. It’s always heartbreaking. She gets Brittany in the tub and slides in behind her, wrapping her arms loosely around her waist. Brittany just…sinks back against her. She needs to feel her. She pulls Santana’s arms more tightly around her. She’s not sure she’s ever laid in Santana’s arms in the bath before. Everything is so reversed tonight. She was relaxing Santana just a few hours ago, and now… Everything is just…a mess. She’s a mess. She can’t stop thinking about her mother. And it’s the last thing she wants to. She wants to think about her son. Her wife. She needs to stop. She needs to let her mother fade away, it’s the only way she’ll be able to get out of this. She can feel herself physically trembling in Santana’s arms.
"I would never let her hurt Jonas…or you.”
“I know, love. I know that. I just wish she wouldn’t hurt you. ” Santana sighs, and Brittany chews on her lip. “I can’t imagine how you feel, Brittany. I never can. I was abandoned by my ex-girlfriend and packed up my life and moved here. You are so much stronger than I am.”
Brittany shakes her head, “I’m not…I wish I could just… tell her to go away but I’m not even strong enough to do that.”
“Honey, wanting her to love you doesn’t make you weak.”
“Letting her manipulate me even though I know she doesn’t love me, does though…She knew holding Jonas would do that. And I just…fell right into it. What does that show our son?”
“It shows him compassion, and love. And seeing the best in people. You do that so much better than I do, Britt. I’m so glad he’ll see that in you. You are the most gentle person I have ever met. And you love so completely. We’re the luckiest people in the world to have you. I love that you’re his hero.”
“I don’t know about that…”
"He’s just a baby…” Brittany replies weakly.
“And what does that mean?” Santana clenches her jaw.
“I don’t know… he’s still little. Things can change..”
“You think that he won’t always look at you like the moon?”
She shrugs a little, “I don’t know, San…I worry about how our kids will look at me. Especially around her. I worry that they’ll see exactly what she sees.”
“Britt?” Santana asks gently. “Can you tell me what you think she sees? Are you able to do that or is it too much?”
“I…a disappointment. I’m not normal. I’m not typical. I’m not what I should be…”
“What do you think you should be? If you could be anything in the world, what would that be?”
Brittany takes a breath, “It’s not…that’s not really…I love what I do. And I am the most comfortable how I am. So, I mean…I don’t know that if I could be anything, I would change it, you know? Because I’m happy. But it’s still like…not what was expected…I mean, I’m in construction, I wear suits, I don’t know. Seventy-five percent of the time, I don’t care about societal crap but sometimes it makes me wonder…if she hates me more because of all of this and if our kids will too.”
Santana inhales sharply, this is so hard for her to hear, “I didn’t realize you still struggled with this, Brittany.”
“It’s not as bad as it was before. But…it’s still there sometimes. Especially when she’s around and especially when I think about Jonas getting older. I don’t know, it’s stupid.” She sighs and shakes her head. She shouldn’t still be struggling with this.
“It’s not stupid, Britt. Tell me. Tell me so I can fix it.”
“I don’t think you can fix it, San. It’s just…something i have to work through, I think.”
“Are people still saying things to you, honey?”
She shrugs again, “Nothing I haven’t heard before. I know people think you’re too good for me, and too beautiful for me. And they’re right. You are. And sometimes I just…” She shakes her head and sucks in a deep breath. “I worry you might start to see it too.”
“Brittany. They’re wrong. You are the love of my life. There is nothing about you that I don’t adore. Do you know that I love you even more since that day two years ago when you told me how you felt about yourself?”
Brittany shakes her head a little, “What else are you supposed to say? You were already married to me.”
“That doesn’t make it any less true. I’m gonna go out on a limb here, okay Britt?”
“When I felt like absolute crap about my body when I was pregnant with Jonas, what did you do in that hotel room in Boston?”
“I took those pictures of you so you could see. I just wanted you to see what I saw when I looked at you, how beautiful you are…are you saying you want to take naked pictures of me, Santana, because…?”
“I mean I definitely wouldn’t be opposed to that too, but I was thinking something else.”
“Do you want me to look at the pictures, because—“ Brittany’s cheeks heat up. “I’m not going to lie and say I don’t sometimes.“
Santana smiles softly and kisses the back of her neck, "I was thinking, what if we had our wedding pictures redone…but this time you wore the clothes you want to wear. The clothes you feel most comfortable in.”
"Me in my wedding dress, you, looking dapper and sexy as hell in a tux or a suit, your choice. What do you think? I felt the most beautiful I’ve ever felt on our wedding day, Brittany, and I want you to have a moment where you get to feel that beautiful. Where you get to see, on film, that you are the one I married, all of you.”
Brittany swallows hard, “But…Santana, we have our wedding picture hanging in the center of our living room.”
"So? We can replace it with another one. Who’s going to argue?”
“I don’t know…you really want that?’
“If you don’t want to, sweetheart, we won’t. I just thought I would see what you thought about it.”
“I don’t know…I just…” Brittany shakes her head and starts to cry.
“Oh baby, I’m sorry,” Santana murmurs quickly.
“If that’s too much for you, it was just an idea. I just want you to feel beautiful and special and loved.” She kisses her neck and her shoulders.
“It’s…it’s not too much. I just…didn’t know you’d ever want that. I never even thought of it.”
“I want you to have everything, I want you to look at our wedding pictures and see you the you that your comfortable with.”
“Santana, I don’t want you to think that I regret our wedding. I don’t…at all.“
"No baby, I know that you don’t. But I would love to put the lights back up in the barn, and just…I don’t know…re-enact it. I’d love to feel you pressed against me in a suit and tie, and close my eyes and be reminded of how happy it made me to marry you.”
“San…God…I….would really love that. And seeing you in your wedding dress again…You’re going to be even more beautiful than you were then, if that’s possible.”
“I hope it still fits me.” Santana laughs. She’s so glad that Brittany wants to do this. “I was thinking, maybe we could do it when we get our holiday pictures done. Have Gram take Jonas for a little while so we have time for just us, and then change afterward…”
“Yeah. And maybe we’ll have another blizzard.”
Brittany turns over so she’s laying on Santana’s chest. She still feels so defeated, but there’s something about this that feels like maybe it helps. Santana always knows how to help.
“Britt?” Santana brushes her hair from her face.
“I’m so glad you’re you.“
Brittany looks up at her, "Thank you for loving me, Santana.”
“I will always love you. I don’t know how I ever could not.“
Brittany kisses her chest, “Can I love you like this, right here?”
Santana drops her head back, and she’s not really sure how Brittany will manage it the way they’re laying, but…she can have anything she wants.
Brittany kisses her chest and up to her neck, “Thank you, San. For everything. Thank you for forgiving me.” She brushes her fingers on the inside of Santana’s thigh. Santana shivers and pulls Brittany closer. She hears water slosh over the side of the tub, but she doesn’t care. She knows there will be a special sort of intimacy to this. "Thank you for loving all of me. Thank you for the wedding pictures.” Her hand moves higher, but her eyes never leave Santana’s. Santana pulls her in for a kiss. Brittany holds the kiss for a long time. She needs to feel this. This is what’s important. "Thank you for giving me our son.” She brushes the stretch marks on Santana’s side.
"And if you changed your mind about…”
Santana kisses her again, “I’ll never change my mind about that. I want to have all of your babies. A whole brood of baby Pierces. Four, at least. Maybe I’ll get pregnant with triplets on one try, and we’ll get even more.”
Brittany laughs a little, “You want to have three at once? That’s a lot, San.”
“I mean, I’m not saying I hope for it, I’m just saying if it happens, and we got three Pierces at once, I wouldn’t complain.”
Brittany sucks in a breath, “I don’t even know what I did to deserve you.”
“You’re you. My beautiful, strong, kindhearted Brittany. I love you so much.”
“God, I love you too.”
Brittany touches Santana softly between her legs. Her eyes flutter closed and her head falls back against the edge of the tub. It already feels so good. The hot water makes it even better. She just needs her so close. This feels so good. Emotionally. She needs this closeness, she needs this intimacy. She needs to feel that Santana is still letting her touch her this way. That she still loves her, wants her. That she can still make her shudder. The way she looks at her…still, after everything. She’s still in love with her. She can barely believe it…
She wants to cry again, thinking about the pictures. She’s only cried once during sex before…Santana cries sometimes, but Brittany usually doesn’t. She just feels so emotional tonight. Tears spill out of her eyes, but she doesn’t stop the movement of her wrist. Santana groans and whispers her name. She just needs to keep making her feel good. She has to hear her name like that. She presses against her and kisses her neck.
“Is this okay for you? Am I hurting your leg?”
Santana hums and murmurs, “Perfect, don’t stop.”
Brittany takes a breath, she won’t stop. She wants to stay just like this all night. She wants to be inside Santana forever. She’s not going to lie to herself, she loves her son, she loves having him so close to them at night, but sometimes she misses when she can fall asleep still inside of her, Santana’s legs clenched around her. She purposefully keeps her pace steady to drag this out as long as possible and Santana is going out of her mind. She bites down on Brittany’s shoulder to keep from crying out.
“Baby please.” She whines.
“Don’t want to be finished.” Brittany mumbles, embarrassed.
Santana nudges her face so she can look her in the eyes, “Just because I come doesn’t mean we’re finished.”
“Okay, okay.” Tears keep rolling down Brittany’s face.
Santana kisses her softly, “We can do this as long as you want. As long as you need. ”
Brittany nods and finally picks up the pace a little. Now that she knows…she can let her come. Santana’s eyes roll back and she wraps her arms around Brittany’s neck.
“Oh God, so good, keep…“
Brittany just keeps going, keeps watching her, keeps kissing her, "I love you. I love you. I love you.” Brittany watches her fall apart and it just makes her ache with how beautiful it is. This woman. The love of her life. Her rock. “Can I keep going?”
Santana just pulls her in for a kiss and rocks her hips up into her hand. God, Brittany loves this. She loves how she wants her. She loves the feeling of her clenching around her fingers. It just does something to her. She would stay like this forever if she could. She wishes they weren’t in the tub, just for an instant, so she could crawl down her body. She just want to give her everything. Santana keeps rocking her hips, and panting. She nips at Brittany’s ear and keeps murmuring her name.
“You make me feel so good. I need more, please.”
Brittany groans, “What do you need, baby. Anything.”
“I just need more of you. I need…”
“Whatever you want.”
“Just please don’t stop. Whatever you do, don’t stop.”
“I won’t, I won’t I promise.”
Santana can’t even believe she keeps coming. After all Brittany did to her body this afternoon. But she needs this. She needs to see the bliss in Brittany’s eyes as she does it. God. She’s so gorgeous. She can’t believe she sees herself as any less than that. She can’t believe people have the nerve to tell her that. It’s completely absurd. She’s the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen. Hands down. Especially like this, when she’s so open and loving and raw. It’s breathtaking and she can never get close enough in these moments. She keeps kissing her.
“God, Brittany.” She pants. “You’re so good at this. You’re so good at everything.”
Brittany just, Santana says it a lot, but it means so much. She tears up again. “I just want you to be happy always. I never want to not make you happy.”
“You always make me the happiest.”
Santana gasps it. She can’t breathe from how good she feels. It’s almost too much. But she can’t stop her. She needs this connection with Brittany after all that happened. She knows Brittany needs it too. She just lays back and feels until the water starts to get cold.
“Baby, let me take you to bed.”
Brittany kisses her so softly and so slowly, “I…don’t need anything else tonight, Santana. This is what I needed. I’m gonna get out of the tub and get you a towel okay?“
Santana just nods, and tries to stretch out her legs. She thought she was taking care of Brittany tonight, but she gets it. Brittany needs to do what she always does. Brittany kisses her one more time before carefully getting out of the tub and getting a fluffy towel ready for Santana. Santana started draining the water, and Brittany leans down and lifts her up. She’s glad she has the strength back in her body for this. Santana wraps her arms around her neck and just sinks into her.
“I love being in your arms, Brittany Pierce.”
“I love having you in my arms, Santana Pierce.”
“I love holding you every night of my life. I love that I get to kiss you goodnight and good morning. I love that you’re here when I get home from work, and that you bring Jonas to see me. I love our life, Santana. You and Jonas make it perfect. You’re all I need. You two, and my Gram.”
Santana is so exhausted but she presses a kiss to her neck, “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Santana. More than you’ll ever know. Can I dress you tonight, since you undressed me?“
Brittany kind of wishes she’d brought their pajamas into the bathroom. “Can I put you down on the toilet for a sec?“
Santana nods. Brittany goes into the bedroom and pulls on boxers and a sweatshirt and grabs Santana’s warm pajamas to bring back into the bathroom. Santana looks half asleep by the time she gets back in. Brittany just smiles at her. She should turn up the heat before they get in bed. Santana looks so cold, even wrapped in the warm towel. She doesn’t want Santana and Jonas to be cold. She’s always warm, but they’re not. She has to make sure they don’t get sick. Santana looks up from where she huddles beneath her towel, and meets Brittany’s eyes. Brittany’s stomach swoops at the way she looks at her.
“God you’re sexy in those boxers.” Santana sighs, though she is the one who bought them for her.
Brittany bites her lip, her ears flushing red, "Really?”
“Duh. And they match the pajamas you brought me. Did you do that on purpose?“
“Come here.“ Brittany shuffles over to Santana and kneels down so that she’s eye level with her. Santana takes a breath, she just feels like she has to say more about how much she loves her Brittany. “The first time I made love to you, I thought seeing you in your panties was the sexiest thing I’d ever done…I didn’t even know how much sexier it would be seeing you in these. It’s just…I can’t even explain what it does to me.”
“They’re just underwear…“
"They’re not though. I mean sure they’re underwear but it’s also you being yourself. Your most natural and comfortable, confident self. And that is undeniably sexy, Britt. I just want you to know that, always. That I find everything about you sexy. Your underwear, the way you smell like outside, when I get to pull you by your tie and kiss you. It’s all just…so, so attractive.”
“I still can’t believe you think it is. Every day…I still can’t believe it. The thing I tried to keep inside for so long…I never ever thought anyone would understand much less embrace it. It’s just so weird to me that you think I’m normal.” She doesn’t want to think about her mom again, so she shakes her head, “But you do…and only Gram and Dave ever did before, and obviously they weren’t attracted to me.“
"You are normal. There is nothing abnormal about you, Brittany. And I think in the last twenty-four hours, you have seen… eight…ish times how attracted I am to you.”
“Eight? Jesus…that might be a new record…”
You’re the one who set it.“ Santana laughs.
Brittany grins and leans forward to kiss her lips, "Well for the record, I find you incredibly attractive too.” Santana shivers a little from the cold, and from Brittany’s words. “Here baby, lets get you dressed.” Brittany gently towels off her body, and slides the flannel top up over her arms. She loves when she wears these, when she sleeps with them partly open, just in case Jonas wants to nurse. “Beautiful. I brought you pants, I wasn’t sure if you wanted them or just your panties.”
“I think just panties tonight, but thank you baby.”
Brittany slides them up her legs, tickling behind Santana’s knees as she does, “I’ll be glad to feel your legs on mine, if I’m being honest.“
"Me too, that’s my favorite. God, I’m not sure I can walk to bed, Britt. I’m not even sure how I’ll walk in the morning from how much my muscles ache. You’ve…”
"I’ll carry you, honey.”
Santana is just so grateful that Brittany doesn’t feel fragile anymore, that she lifts her arms up. She’s such a sucker for her strong wife carrying her. Brittany gently scoops her up and pulls her close to her chest. Santana nuzzles into her neck.
“Can’t wait ‘til you do this when I’m pregnant again.” She murmurs.
“Soon,” Brittany whispers back.
“Another brand new baby in our bed.”
Brittany hums, “I love that.”
They get into the bedroom, and Santana looks at Jonas, “I’ll miss him when he’s in his room though.”
“Me too…it’s going to be really strange.”
“I might have to get up a few times a night to visit.” Santana laughs softy, not wanting to wake him.
Brittany grins and nods, “Definitely. But a new one…his brother or sister.”
“I think…he’ll love that, Britt. He’ll be such a great big brother.“
“I see him with Sophia and the chickens, and he’ll be so gentle. Can you imagine him with a baby? He’d be so good.”
Santana smiles so softly, thinking about her gentle boy, “He would…I feel like he’s different than other kids his age.“
"Me too, definitely. I keep forgetting he can walk.”
“God. As much as I worked with him to do it during the day Britt, I really didn’t want him to walk then. I’m so glad you got to be here when it happened. I’m so glad that he walked to you. I honestly wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, Britt. I want you to get to witness all his firsts.”
“I really hope I can, but so glad that at least you can, San.”
“I couldn’t do what I do if it wasn’t for you, Brittany.“
"I feel the exact same way.”
“What do you mean?” Santana furrows her brow, she feels like she can’t explain the gratitude that she can stay home with her son because Brittany’s business lets her career be flexible.
“I just…you have no idea what your support means to me. I don’t know if I can really articulate…I mean, I started Pierce Landscaping before we met…but you are a huge part of how successful it is. You keep me grounded, you keep me focused, you massage my sore muscles and help me soak my sore body. All of that is just…so important to me. I’ve been able to expand my business so much since I moved in with you. It’s just kind of unreal to me. When I first named it, it was Pierce for me, but now…it’s our family business. The business I’ll pass down to our children some day. All because of you. Imagine it, Jonas wanting to run the business some day, or…another one of our kids. You and I, retired.”
“God…I can’t even imagine that,” Santana exhales, “Growing old with you is more than I ever dreamed.”
“Give me a kiss.” Santana leans up and kisses Brittany’s lips, it feels like…some kind of new beginning.