What Hurts The Most
What Hurts The Most
Title: What Hurts The Most
Category: Mulder/Doggett Romance
Summary: Just a short story I had to get out about the song "What Hurts The Most" and it's effect on Mulder and Doggett.
Archive: Free to all, just let me know first please.
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and all things X-Files are mine in my heart, but legally belong to C.C. and Co. Song lyrics to "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flats.
That damn song was on the radio again. I wasn't sure I could take listening to it again, but I couldn't force myself to get up and turn it off either so I just sat at my desk and tried not to let the emotions it evoked get the best of me.
"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don't bother me.."
Was the way the song began. And God knows my house had been so empty ever since Mulder had left. I hated the rain anyway, it made everything, everywhere seem so empty and lonely.
"I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while..."
I can't stand crying. I cried over the loss of my son and I cried when I thought Monica was dying, there have been very few other times I've cried...until now. I've cried for Mulder. Ached for him.
"Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok..."
That's not really true. I have to pretend every day. I have to go to work and pretend I'm the hot shot FBI agent, that I'm the tough ex-cop and jarhead that everyone thinks I am.
"But that's not what gets me...
What hurts the most-Was being so close And having so much to say-And watching you walk away And never knowing-What could have been And not seeing that loving you-Is what I was tryin' to do..."
This part of the song must have been written just for Mulder and I. Because all of that, that is what gets me and what hurts the most. I know I was holding back on my emotions and dealing with my feelings for him and I couldn't admit to myself that what I felt for him was love and not just a sexual attraction and companionship that felt good, I was trying to love him the best that I could, and it took his telling me that he was leaving to kick me in the ass and make me understand that I was about to lose the only person I loved. I had so much to say, and in the end he wouldn't hear it, he walked away. And now I'll never know what could have been.
"It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it..."
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone..."
It was harder at first, but it's getting better. Our mutual friends that knew about us don't put blame on either of us, but they are great support. It's just that I can't do anything, go anywhere any more without thinking about Mulder.
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret..."
I couldn't even do that the first week after he left. I took a week off from work and barely left the house. I blamed myself for driving Mulder away.
"But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken..."
And I would. If I could just have one more chance to tell Mulder how I really feel, to tell him all those things I didn't say but should have when we were together.
"Not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do."
I know he couldn't see it then, but I was doing the best I could to show the love I felt for him. God knows I do love him. And I just want him back.
When I heard his voice coming from the doorway of the office I thought I was hearing things.
"I figured you like that country sounding, cry in your beer song. I think about you every time I hear it." Mulder said as he leaned in the doorway.
I looked at him for a long minute to make sure he was real.
"Do you?" Was all I said. I wanted to see what this little visit was about before I started gushing about how much I missed and loved him.
"Yes. I do. And I hear it a lot."
My heart speeded up in my chest. He was using his "come on, forgive me" tone. I knew what would be next. That pout. Oh, what a pout. With a mouth like that, he was nearly flawless at the act of pouting. I didn't need the pout, all I needed was confirmation that he was trying to mend things between us.
"You okay?" I asked, simply because I couldn't think of a way to bring up the topic that was hanging in the air between us.
He nodded. "Doing good. I have a couple of serious problems, but for the most part, yeah, I'm good. How about you?"
I ignored his question about me, instantly worried about
his "serious problem" statement.
"What kind of serious problems? You aren't sick again are you?"
He smiled at me and moved into the room. "You were always so worried about me. No, it's not my health. If you want to stop beating around the bush, I miss you, John. I'm going crazy not being with you. I wanted to know if there was any way...any small possibility that you might consider letting us get together to talk. Over dinner or lunch, or anytime that's good for you."
It was all I could do not to spring from my chair and grab him.
"Anytime, Mulder. I miss you too. Oh, God, how I miss you." I kept my voice low in case anyone was around that we didn't know about.
He smiled that lop-sided smile at me. "So there's a chance you might take me back?"
I returned the smile. "If you'll let me. If you'll have me."
"I love you, John. I'll take you any way I can get you."
"I love you too, Fox."
We just smiled at each other across the room and I finally felt the pain of losing him slipping away. I knew I could handle hearing that song now, or any other song as long as I had Mulder there to listen with me.
Post a comment
or read posted comments on this story.
Title: What Hurts The Most
Author: Jay [email/website]
Details: Standalone | PG-13 | 5k | 09/11/06
Category: Story, Romance
Summary: Just a short story I had to get out
about the song "What Hurts The Most" and it's
effect on Mulder and Doggett.
[top of page]