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Let Me Be The Wallpaper That Papers Up Your Room

Chapter Text

Usopp's hand runs up Shu's thigh. He gasps. "Shu," he moans. "S-Shu-"

Shu the thirty-year-old virgin smirks. Finally, I will lose my virginity! he thinks. He presses Usopp further into Shank's wooden teaching table and leans over him, reaching for his lips with his own.

But there's a problem.

A dire problem.

Usopp's nose –

-is too large –

-for their lips to meet.

They both stop suddenly.

Usopp's nose caresses Shu's chin as he looks into his smokey smouldering eyes. His lips quiver, cheeks red with desire, as he gayzes at his object of affection. Shu's glasses are skewed on his nose as he looks down at the curly-haired astrology student.

He leans down towards the smaller student slowly and sensually caresses the tip of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Usopp's eyes flutter shut and he whimpers at the sexual sensation.

"You're so hot Usopp," he says with a smile. Usopp's lips part as he huffs out a breath.

The bell rings and both their head turn towards the door. Shu pulls away from Usopp. "I have to leave to clean classroom 8B," he says, falling into his janitorial position. Usopp has never heard anything hotter.

. . .

Shanks walked into the classroom about half an hour late, “Sorry I’m late guys, my bitch stole my hat again.” The astrology teacher claimed his bitch (Luffy) took his treasured straw hat whenever he was late but most of the class just assumed he was sleeping in or hungover. The Red-Haired professor wasn’t exactly known for his punctuality. How he’d gotten tenure was one of the many Oxbridge mysteries.

Dazai-in-Tamaki’s-body turned around to Haruhi and took a mechanical pencil from her desk. “Can I just take this? Thanks.”

“Hey! I got that from the Salvation Army!” Haruhi protested.

”Then I’m sure you won’t miss it,” replied Dazai with a shrug.

Tamaki-in-Dazai’s-body turned around and scowled. “How could you be so ungentlemanly? Haruhi is a lady and should be treated as such!”

Dazai whipped around, wide eyed. “That’s a girl? Since when?”

Tamaki smirked, pleased to know something someone else didn’t for once. “I instinctively knew from the moment I lay eyes on her feminine charm and beauty.”

“That sounds like something Tamaki-senpai would say,” muttered Haruhi to herself.

Dazai said very loudly, “Yes, I’m Tamaki. I’m self absorbed, have a daddy kink and am almost as smart as a mushroom.”

Tamaki jumped up in anger. “ I am not self absorbed! I run a host club for girls with too much time on their hands, helped a doctor find his daughter, helped the magazine club...” realising his words fell on deaf ears he changed tact and said, “I’m Dazai. I keep trying to kill myself but can’t manage even that. Watch.” He took a ruler and over dramatically hit himself on the neck with it.

Dazai spun around and pulled out a teddy bear from his blazer, using it as a hostage. Tamaki’s eyes bulge – Kuma-Chan?

Dazai grabs an iced cupcake from Honey’s grip. “I’ll do it – I’ll smush it in his face.”

“No! Kuma-Chan! Daddy will save you!” Tamaki-in-Dazai’s-body pulls out a convieniently –placed gun from the jacket he is wearing that is not his own and wholly Dazai’s. There was a momentary silence as the class watched the two engage in their standoff.

'Why is Tamaki-senpai using his own teddy as a hostage?' Haruhi mused. 'And why is Dazai holding a gun? He’s not at work, he can’t go round threatening innocent civillians here'.

“Would you risk your life?” asked Shanks coldly.

“What?” said Tamaki, confused.

“I mean guns aren’t for threats, they’re for actions.”

Tamaki’s hand shook. He’d never touched a gun before and wasn’t sure he even knew how to use one. Why did Dazai even carry one around? It was probably sans-bullets. But he couldn’t risk it with Kuma-Chan’s life at stake. He lowered the gun slowly as Dazai lowered the bear, both watching each other closely, ready to retaliate should they need to.

. . .

Usopp was unsure of who to approach with his problem. Shanks had always been a close friend of the father he’d never met, so he’d always thought of him as a father figure.

“Er, professor?” he said nervously. “I needed One Piece of advice about something but it’s kind of personal.”

Shanks looked at the smol boy curiously.

His hands and abnormal nose were sweety, his cheeks were flaming, and his fists were clenched.

“Sure, go ahead.” said Shanks kindly.

“Well, it’s someone who works at this school. He’s handsome, funny and he has his prorities straight. Anyway I really like him but...”

“Let me stop you there,” said Shanks. He knew where this was going. It had happened before many a time, however normally it was female students who were attractive enough for it to be flattering. Usopp…well, Shanks felt more pity for the boy than complimented. Given the lack of experience he was sure Usopp had, he felt an outright rejection would crush him.

“We can talk later but now I just have to go or I’ll be late for a date.” The word ‘date’ was said pointedly, hoping the lad would get the point.

“Oh, with Luffy?” inquired Usopp.

“Nah, she’s just my bitch. I’m going with…Hawkeye.” Hawkeye was used to rolling with the gay-for-each-other lie – many times Hawkeye had invited Shanks to his parent’s Christmas dinners so as not to be seen as chaste and frigid by his elderly family, so he didn’t really care.