Work Header


Chapter Text

chat: dakin's a slag

David Posner: i want death

why: mood

why: but pos it's 3am go to sleep

David Posner: no

David Posner: i need to do this fucking essay

why: which one

David Posner: the one on the Geneva five of 1816 and their literary works' impact on english society and culture

why: oh.

David Posner: the one where in order to get a half-decent mark, i must be #edgy and claim that Mary Godwin Shelley, daughter of Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin, mother of science fiction, vodka aunt of the gothic novel and all-around BAMF, was not impactful- and if she was- it was because of Percy 'the B stands for Bitchboy' Shelley

why: right

why: first of all, the b stands for bysshe and you know full damn well it does

why: second, i think youre getting too attached to what youre writing

David Posner: with the greatest of respect, chris, its a little hard to profess belief in the exact opposite of one of your most fundamental views

why: no its not

David Posner: yes it is

why: look, pos

why: just because you say something doesnt mean that 1) its true or 2) you believe its true

David Posner: but it feels so wrong- like, my last point was that the shift from biological science in the Romantic period to technological science in the Victorian was to do with increasing Anglican conservatism

David Posner: and yes, it's an interpretation, but it's just wrong

David Posner: it's just not that basic

why: and?

why: once youre at oxford you can write what you think

why: but first youve got to get there

why: the end justifies the means

David Posner: but im just using history as a means to an end

why: okay, rule #1 of this chat: fuck immanuel kant


David Posner: good morning, james

David Posner: one day youre going to have to get over your hatred of philosophy



why: if it makes you feel any better like 90% of the things weve done this term have violated the categorical imperative of truth

HowAboutVanNogh: perfect

David Posner: truth means nothing now anyway

why: *life means nothing now anyway

David Posner: calm down there nietzsche

HowAboutVanNogh: excuse me who's that

HowAboutVanNogh: we only know @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw in this house

why: @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw

David Posner: @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw

HowAboutVanNogh: @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw

DAKIN_YES: i hate all of you


420nosescope has changed their name to kneeshaw


DAKIN_YES: especially you, timms

kneeshaw: @DAKIN_YES ;-x love you too, darl


chat: history_squad

kneeshaw: sugar my turnips ive not done my essay

TEACHUSSY: well who's stupid fault is that

kneeshaw: SIR


TEACHUSSY: possibly.

kneeshaw: SIR IM SHOCKED


TEACHUSSY: two things, timms:

TEACHUSSY: one- you are not my most darling pupil

TEACHUSSY: two- it's not my fault if the consequences of not doing your essays mean that you don't get into cambridge.

kneeshaw : sir

DAKIN_YES: wow that's so sad lockwood play blue monday by new order

HowAboutVanNogh: that's a bit gay, dakin


private chat between adilicious and xxx-jimmy

adilicious: 'bit gay' SAYS YOU

xxx-jimmy: situational irony, adil


chat: history_squad


TEACHUSSY: just do what you were actually supposed to do over the weekend and i'll overlook that it's late.

kneeshaw: okay sir.

TEACHUSSY: and dakin?


private chat between TEACHUSSY and stu_the_dude


TEACHUSSY: kneeshaw

stu_the_dude: *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir*


c hat: dakin's a slag

kneeshaw has changed the chat name to FUCK IRWIN


David Posner: careful dakin might take that as an imperative



kneeshaw has changed the chat name to IRWIN'S A FUCK


kneeshaw: hes such a fucking dickhead i hate him

kneeshaw: 'you wont get into cambridge' fuck off

kneeshaw: because i havent done his fucking essay come on

kneeshaw: oh yeah because i forgot to do one essay im going to the uni of fuck-all-nowhere

pete: to be fair tony hes been here nearly two months, we take the exam in four weeks and you havent given him a single essay

pete: given the circumstances i think hes being more than reasonable.

pianoMan: 'we take the exam in four weeks' thanks for giving me an anxiety disorder, rudge

kneeshaw: i *have* given him essays

Here_come-tech-boi: never on time

HowAboutVanNogh: and half of them are recycled totty essays, youve told us as much

kneeshaw: y'all cant be serious

kneeshaw: youre writing ALL NEW ESSAYS on the same topics?

David Posner: obviously

why: i mean, i use the same sources and sometimes the same arguments, but it's a new essay every time

kneeshaw: why?

David Posner: because we want to pass the damn exam

David Posner: we can't all give as few fucks as you tony some of us have to actually fucking work to produce something half-decent

kneeshaw: fuck off posner

pianoMan: no, he's right

pianoMan: we're all putting so much effort in right now that the fact that you dont even hand anything in is actually taking the piss

kneeshaw: but its just another exam

David Posner: its not just another fucking exam tony

David Posner: it's oxbridge

David Posner: and some of us want to fucking go there, okay?

kneeshaw: youre actually all working on this?

HowAboutVanNogh: cant speak for the others but this is the hardest ive ever worked for anything

DAKIN_YES: @HowAboutVanNogh excluding sex

HowAboutVanNogh: @DAKIN_YES nah, somehow i think that comes a lot easier to me than it does to you, i'm irresistible

Here-come-tech-boi: @HowAboutVanNogh you wish.

kneeshaw: fuck

kneeshaw: ive really cocked this one up, havent i

kneeshaw: shit

kneeshaw: shit

pete: there's still time, mate

pete: nothing stops you from starting now

pete: just got to make time for your work and hand it in on time, then work to improve it

kneeshaw: i love you rudge, sometime

pete: you can find an extra two-three minutes by cutting out your wank time

kneeshaw: sometimes.



private chat between stu_the_dude and TEACHUSSY


TEACHUSSY: timms is really annoyed with me, isn't he?

stu_the_dude: ?

stu_the_dude: a bit, yeah, he was


TEACHUSSY: i shouldn't have said he wouldnt get into cambridge

TEACHUSSY: it's too harsh of me to say that

stu_the_dude: sir

stu_the_dude: with all due respect

stu_the_dude: are you wrong


stu_the_dude: seriously

stu_the_dude: are you wrong

stu_the_dude: if timms doesnt crack down he's not going to get in, that's an objective fact

stu_the_dude: and its not wrong of you to say so when thats the truth

stu_the_dude: honestly sir youre so used to lying you dont know when to tell the truth

stu_the_dude: crack the whip a bit

TEACHUSSY: still harsh

TEACHUSSY: and he knows what he's doing, so it wasn't completely warranted.

stu_the_dude: the only reason timms seems like he  knows what he's doing is because he's a two-bit bullshit artist

stu_the_dude: he has no idea what hes doing

stu_the_dude: and yeah, he went on a bit of a rant, but then rudge gave him a kick up the arse, and dear christ, he needs it sometimes

TEACHUSSY: rudge did?

stu_the_dude: mainly rudge

stu_the_dude: bit of posner & scripps

stu_the_dude: general consensus, sir, is we think youre entirely justified

stu_the_dude: you were right to say it

stu_the_dude: if hes pissing about then hes wasting your time

TEACHUSSY: you all really think that?

stu_the_dude: cant speak for them verbatim, but i do and i think the others do

stu_the_dude: sir, we think youre a really good teacher

stu_the_dude: youre teaching us some really decent stuff

stu_the_dude: new ways of looking at things

stu_the_dude: things we never would have thought about

stu_the_dude: or even considered were possible, before

stu_the_dude: and to a certain extent, we admire and respect you for that

stu_the_dude: or at least, i do

TEACHUSSY: thank you

TEACHUSSY: genuinely, thank you

TEACHUSSY: means a lot

stu_the_dude: any time

TEACHUSSY: now will you tell me how to change this damn username

stu_the_dude: not on your life



private chat between scrippsy and stu_the_dude


stu_the_dude: posner

scrippsy: no.

stu_the_dude: come on scripps

stu_the_dude: im in a genuine and kind mood today

scrippsy: there are many adjectives to describe you, dakin

scrippsy: 'genuine' and 'kind' are not two of them

stu_the_dude: exceptional circumstances, ive had a good day

stu_the_dude: posner.

scrippsy: what about him

stu_the_dude: what not about him

stu_the_dude: you pine more than a garden centre in november

scrippsy: what

stu_the_dude: pining? pine trees? christmas?

scrippsy: ah.

stu_the_dude: okay so fuck the metaphor

stu_the_dude: you. like. posner.

scrippsy: if. i. did. it. doesnt. matter.

stu_the_dude: why?

stu_the_dude: seriously, why?

stu_the_dude: whats the point in liking someone and doing nothing about it

scrippsy: hypocrite.

stu_the_dude: slightly, ill admit

scrippsy: wait what

scrippsy: youre admitting it?

stu_the_dude: so


stu_the_dude: eh? ish?

stu_the_dude: im adjusting to the idea

stu_the_dude: its an interesting experience, for sure

stu_the_dude: different.

scrippsy: stuart dakin, only you would describe having a crush on someone as an 'interesting experience' you heartless bastard

stu_the_dude: back on topic

scrippsy: fuck no were staying on this

stu_the_dude: what do you want to do about posner

scrippsy: for fucks sake, dakin, nothing

scrippsy: there's no... reciprocation

stu_the_dude: that youve seen

scrippsy: id like to think im more observant than you

stu_the_dude: "see better, lear"

stu_the_dude: look, have you asked

scrippsy: have you?

stu_the_dude: touche, but youre deflecting

scrippsy: of course i shitting havent

stu_the_dude: well then thats your first problem

scrippsy: dakin dont

stu_the_dude: ???

stu_the_dude: you dont even know what im about to do

scrippsy: ive known you for nineteen years of course i fucking do just dont



private chat between David Posner and stu_the_dude


stu_the_dude: do you like scripps

David Posner: fuck off



private chat between scrippsy and stu_the_dude


stu_the_dude: welp

scrippsy: i hate you

stu_the_dude: its in his head now though

stu_the_dude: and he didnt say no.

scrippsy: wait, really?

stu_the_dude: one day you'll thank me B)