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DAKIN_YES has started chat.

DAKIN_YES has named chat history_squad

DAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope, David Posner, Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, pianoMan, TEACHUSSY and why to history_squad

 

TEACHUSSY: Dakin, how do I change my name?

420nosescope: pfffffffft

HowAboutVanNogh: oh god stu you didnt

DAKIN_YES: B)

pianoMan: dakin im p sure this isnt legal

why: unfortunately it is

why: well technically its not *illegal*

David Posner: Wow, Dakin

DAKIN_YES: i have done nothing i need to apologise for

Here_come_tech_boi: you've done plenty of things you need to apologise for, you're just too much of a prick to do it

DAKIN_YES: slander

DAKIN_YES: ill sue you

Here_come_tech_boi: you can't sue me for slander, (1) it's true, (2) i haven't actually spoken, it'd be libel

pianoMan: wrecked @ DAKIN_YES

DAKIN_YES: sod off @ Here_come_tech_boi @ pianoMan

TEACHUSSY: Dakin, you still haven't told me how to change my name.

DAKIN_YES: settings -> interface preferences -> redo name -> type whatever you want

DAKIN_YES: its simple sir

 


chat: THE_GOONS


David Posner:
dakin, those were the change username setting from before the last update

DAKIN_YES: *exactly*

 


chat: history_squad

 

TEACHUSSY: I can't figure it out

DAKIN_YES: ill show you tommorow sir

pete: whats this

DAKIN_YES: thought we needed a new history chat

DAKIN_YES: something a bit more involved, now were all going in for oxbridge and that

 


private chat: Scrippsy and stu_the_dude

 

Scrippsy: this has nothing to do with history or oxbridge

stu_the_dude: have you ever heard of a legal expression called 'plausible deniability'

Scrippsy: you desperate slag

stu_the_dude: i have no idea what youre talking about

 


chat: history_squad

 

pete: alright then

DAKIN_YES: more discussion time and that, its a good idea. more topics than we would usually get with three hours a week.

TEACHUSSY: Well, I can't see the Headmaster arguing with that.

DAKIN_YES: now, henry's wives, scale to 1-10 for each one

David Posner: *Dakin*

pianoMan: *dakin*

HowAboutVanNogh:   that has nothing to with the exams stu

TEACHUSSY: That's going to be hard to make interesting in an essay, almost every book on Henry VIII says he's a terrible person. A better answer would be to say there were socio-political reasons and machinations for each marriage, and argue that Henry planned each one strategically in order to stabilise his own power domestically and in Europe.

420nosescope: 6, 9 (for the manky hand), 5, 2, 8, 4

David Posner: School is empty and all the fools are here.

420nosescope: dont paraphrase shakespeare at me you bellend at least i answered the question

TEACHUSSY: Timms, language

420nosescope: im not in school sir it doesnt count

TEACHUSSY: Can I at least retain some degree of academic professionalism?

pete: ur in a chat with dakin sir uve already lost that

HowAboutVanNogh: p much

DAKIN_YES: LIES SIR, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THESE PONZIAN FABRICATORS

DAKIN_YES: but we have had very little academic focus in previous chats, yes

why: once we managed to have an entire conversation based on which was the worst english monarch based on daddy issues and penis size with complete disregard of socio-economical political context

Here_come_tech_boi:   i won

TEACHUSSY: Who did you argue?

Here_come_tech_boi: mary tudor

TEACHUSSY: Unobvious. A good answer, considering.

 


chat: THE_GOONS

 

Here_come_tech_boi: @DAKIN_YES SUCK ITTTTTTTTTTTTT

DAKIN_YES: fuck off akthar

 


chat: history_squad

 

TEACHUSSY: However, it's 2:30, aren't you all supposed to be in lesson?

David Posner: We are, sir.

420nosescope: general studies, sir

Here_come_tech_boi: i'm hiding my phone behind an anthology of byron pems, sir

TEACHUSSY: And Mr Hector hasn't noticed?

HowAboutVanNogh: hector doesnt know/realise, weve been doing this for years

pianoMan: 'i deny nothing'

Here_come_tech_boi: @pianoMan nice quote

pianoMan: @Here_come_tech_boi ta.

TEACHUSSY: Anyways, I think it's inappropriate of me to intrude on another teacher's lesson, so make sure to only contact me out of hours/in frees.

DAKIN_YES: i dont think any time with you is innapropratley spent, sir, we need to pass the exams, were just wasting time

TEACHUSSY: Perhaps, Dakin, but if you'd actually worked on your Richard III essay instead of playing on your phone it might not actually have been the perfect cure for insomniacs around the world. I could feel the melatonin levels rising with every paragraph.

DAKIN_YES: im hurt, sir

TEACHUSSY: Tough.

 


chat: THE_GOONS

 

pianoMan: @DAKIN_YES well that went *great*

pianoMan: also youre a complete manslag

DAKIN_YES: at least im doing *something*, you ponce

why: we cant all be satisfied with jesus

Here_come_tech_boi: and on the third day, scripp's sex life rose again

David Posner: and on the seventh day, god rested,  forgot to make don's sex life, and spent the rest of existence *convinced* there was something he forgot

HowAboutVanNogh: this is my body, broken for you and for many in accordance with the scriptures, take, eat, in rememberance of scripps sex life

pianoMan: this is bullying

DAKIN_YES: this is justice

Here_come_tech_boi: this is sparta

420nosescope: THIS IS JOHNNNNN CENAAAAAAAAA

pianoMan: i hate you all

DAKIN_YES: you cant hate me im too pretty

pete: were perfectly capable of thinking ur a knob despite that

DAKIN_YES: RUDGE THINKS IM PRETTY

David Posner: of course that's what you take from that, dakin

DAKIN_YES: i have no evidence saying im not pretty

why: your hair looks like its styled with marmite

420nosescope: SAVAGE @why

DAKIN_YES: @why must you hurt me in this way

pianoMan: contrary to public opinion, no-one thinks youre cool stu

DAKIN_YES: thats not tru

DAKIN_YES: someone must think im cool

pete: no

why: no

HowAboutVanNogh: nope

420nosescope: nah m8

Here_come_tech_boi: no

David Posner: only sometimes

Here_come_tech_boi: posner doesnt count

DAKIN_YES: excuse you posner is a vital member of this chat and class and his opinion counts just as much as the rest of you

David Posner: once in fourth year you told me that none of my votes in class counted because i have less dignity when i run than a convulsing giraffe being electrocuted

David Posner: so either you're unanimously voted 'not cool' or you're wrong

HowAboutVanNogh: dakin

HowAboutVanNogh: admit hes wrong

why: sorry mate i guess youre just a massive loser until the end of time now

DAKIN_YES: NONE OF MY OPINIONS FROM BEFORE THE AGE OF SIXTEEN MATTER

DAKIN_YES: IM STILL COOL

Here_come_tech_boi: the lady doth protest too much, methinks

DAKIN_YES: hamet, act 3, scene 3, line 92

DAKIN_YES: 'no'

pianoMan: stop trying to be clever

pianoMan: you've tried for eighteen years, its time to give up

HowAboutVanNogh: its been a good run

Here_come_tech_boi: its time to finally embrace the sweet release of blissful idiocy

DAKIN_YES: >:(

why: why does every chat devolve into bullying dakin

420nosescope: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

DAKIN_YES: because you're all terrible people

pete: pot meet kettle

David Posner: i tried to defend you, dakin

DAKIN_YES: yeah, well try harder next time, you ponce

 


private chat between Scrippsy and David Posner


Scrippsy:
hey, you alright

David Posner: yeah, hes just being a prick, im used to it

Scrippsy: sorry, pos

David Posner: not ur fault, scrippsy

Scrippsy: u want me to spill irn-bru on him

David Posner: ...

David Posner: yeah tbh

 


chat: THE_GOONS

 

HowAboutVanNogh: holy fuck, don, that was great

DAKIN_YES: i hate you

DAKIN_YES: i just pressed this shirt last night

why: hoestly scripps that was fabulous you lanky oaf

DAKIN_YES: y'all're traitors im soaking

420nosescope: that's what she said

pete: @DAKIN_YES are you seriously just sat there typing while covered in irnbru

DAKIN_YES: yes, scripps im gonna kill you if this stains you clumsy git

DAKIN_YES changed chat name to SCRIPPS IS A KNOB

 


private chat between Scrippsy and David Posner

 

David Posner: thnxx

Scrippsy: np ;)



Chapter Text

chat: history_squad

 

pete: what was the homework

TEACHUSSY: Nixon's policies in Vietnam.

TEACHUSSY: Also, it's four am and the essay is due in five hours why are you only writing this now?

pete: its not like im on the bus, sir

420nosescope: and its only four, sir, why would we be asleep

420nosescope: we could ask you the same question sir, why are you awake at four in the morning on a wednesday

David Posner: fuck uy all my nitifctions were on ur all giantt prickds

pete: go back to bed dave




chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB



David Posner: i cant believe i told my history teacher to fuck off and then said they were a giant prick last night actually kill me

DAKIN_YES: totty or irwin

David Posner: irwin

pianoMan: what

DAKIN_YES: that's all right then

DAKIN_YES: i mean, if you'd somehow gotten totty's number/been in close proximity to her in the small hours id say that was a bit out of character

Here_come_tech_boi: stop being a prick dakin its too early to deal with you

DAKIN_YES: well im not wrong

DAKIN_YES: also its half past eight its perfectly reasonable to be awake

why: only u think that, and thats because youre a fucking vampire

HowAboutVanNogh: and the lucozade

DAKIN_YES: three bottles of lucozade is a perfectly normal breakfast

David Posner: that explains so much and yet so little

DAKIN_YES: hey

 

 


 

private chat between stu_the_dude and fifi-pro



stu_the_dude: do u think 3 bottles of lucozade is okay in a morning

fifi-pro: 3? i need at least 5 and two coffees to barely function

stu_the_dude: thanks babe <3

 

 


 

chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB



DAKIN_YES: see fiona thinks im normal

Here_come_tech_boi: fiona's a terrible barometer for normal, dakin, she spends too much time with felix to pass fair judgment

DAKIN_YES: fair tbh, shes a bit of a freak ;)

David Posner: MOVING ON

David Posner: @pianoMan could u give rudge a knock on the door, he was up late and he might not be awake, he hasnt responded + ur closest

420nosescope: this is discrimination i dont get this kind of attention

HowAboutVanNogh: tony the last time we saw you sleep it was nine years ago

420nosescope: how the fuck

HowAboutVanNogh: it was my ninth birthday, you ate four marathon bars, had a mild anaphylactic shock and then passed out in the flat's living room

420nosescope: good times, man

pianoMan: hes awake now

pete: thanks @pianoMan @David Posner

David Posner: np rudge

David Posner: did you manage to get that essay done

pete: yeah, you think 4 pagesll be enough

pianoMan: i hope so, thats all mine is

DAKIN_YES: whatd you argue

pete: ineffective bc khmer rouge was larger threat and nixon distracted, you

DAKIN_YES: government conspiracy to lose the war as fast as humanly possible so nixon could focus on domestic policy for the next 3 years to ensure re-election and secure his own power, so effective only in the terms of losing badly, but not quickly, but in line w the theory of nixon vying for a 2nd term

HowAboutVanNogh: at the very least, the last couple of months have been lessons in academic bullshit

why: you can smell those oxbridge firsts already

 


chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB

 

David Posner: honestly fuck pe

420nosescope: lol

David Posner: fuck off tony we cant all have been forging notes since second year

David Posner: how the fuck did you get out of this one

420nosescope: told wilkes i had the explosive shits

David Posner: lovely

420nosescope: thank god he didnt ask me to prove it

420nosescope: it was either that or aids, ive already used all the other excuses

David Posner: fuck off tony, not funny

420nosescope: meh

420nosescope: how're u on ur phone

David Posner: faked an asthma attack

David Posner: thank god wilkes doesnt have the brain capacity to know the difference between mild panting and symptoms of inflamed lungs

David Posner: though i suppose thats actually kind of distressing, considering

 

(one hour later)

 

pianoMan: never actually thought about it like that

Here_come_tech_boi: who gives a shit, were gone in two months and id like to see some of the fifth years choke to death, lil shits

HowAboutVanNogh: well that took an unexpectedly dark turn

Here_come_tech_boi: im just saying

Here_come_tech_boi: can the entire fifth year just kind of fuck off and die?

Here_come_tech_boi: really appreciate it

why: amen

DAKIN_YES: y'all know what else can fuck off and die

David Posner: Reagan

HowAboutVanNogh: thatcher

pete: you

DAKIN_YES: scripps singing abba in the fucking showers

DAKIN_YES: @pete fuck you

pianoMan: dakin no

DAKIN_YES: i s2g if i have to here honey honey honey one more time i might actually start breaking things

DAKIN_YES: @David Posner no wonder u do all the singing

pianoMan: please

DAKIN_YES: you never exactly tell us how hes a love machine scripps, elaborate, but please not through song

420nosescope: pfffft

DAKIN_YES: and change ur pronouns people might get suspicious, if u know what i mean ;P

David Posner: what the actual fuck dakin

why: stu wtf

HowAboutVanNogh: too far

pianoMan: come on its dakin its not worth it

David Posner: of course its fucking worth it

David Posner: i get this every single fucking day and i put up with it for my own reasons

David Posner: @DAKIN_YES dont go throwing shit about like that, its actually not funny

DAKIN_YES: jfc pos, god

DAKIN_YES: @pianoMan you cant sing but ur not gay

DAKIN_YES: @David Posner okay?

David Posner: fine but go fuck urself

pianoMan: at least its better than that time dakin did 'when i kissed the teacher' on kareoke

DAKIN_YES: YOU KNOBHEAD SCRIPPS

pete: oh no

420nosescope: pics or it didnt happen

 


 

private chat between Scrippsy and David Posner

 

David Posner: sorry

Scrippsy: dakins a prick

David Posner: browning's a bit long-winded

David Posner: i overreacted

Scrippsy: s'okay, it looks like you needed to

David Posner: its just

David Posner: too much?

David Posner: just

David Posner: how did i not *see* it

David Posner: hes just an absolute *tosser*

David Posner: why

David Posner: fuck

David Posner: shit

Scrippsy: a grotesque revelation?

David Posner: more the proverbial straw on the camels back

Scrippsy: good

David Posner: ?

Scrippsy: just... you and dakin

David Posner: ew, i know, now

Scrippsy: ... yeah

Scrippsy: sure ur okay tho

David Posner: maybe

Scrippsy: ... do you want to share a caramel freddo

David Posner: dear god yes

 


 

chat: history_squad

 

TEACHUSSY: Why is crowther crying in the middle of the 1500m track?

420nosescope: hes dropped his phone, sir

HowAboutVanNogh: screen shattered, sir

Here_come_tech_boi: has to go back to the iphone 4 until he can get a new one, sir

HowAboutVanNogh: its kind of poetic, really

HowAboutVanNogh: the price of pride

420nosescope: practically homeric/ovidian, sir

Here_come_tech_boi: the conquering hero comes home to find his kingdom ravaged and his people starving, and finds that this is his punishment for his innate flaws

TEACHUSSY: So he's okay?

Here_come_tech_boi: maybe physically, but mentally and emotionally he might never be the same

TEACHUSSY: Good. I didn't want to go over there.

420nosescope: lol sir did u just message the chat to get out of human social interaction

TEACHUSSY: no

TEACHUSSY: Dorothy was just growing increasingly concerned in the staff room

pianoMan: totty doesnt work wednesday afternoons sir, shes gone home

TEACHUSSY: ...we all have our flaws

DAKIN_YES: you shouldnt try to lie to us sir, who knows what impression youd make

DAKIN_YES: innocent souls led astray by a corrupting influence

David Posner: The last person to call you innocent, @DAKIN_YES , was probably on more drugs than all four Brontes combined.

pianoMan: @David Posner yessssssssss go david

David Posner: @pianoMan ;P

DAKIN_YES: thats not fair

Here_come_tech_boi: they're not wrong though

David Posner: ye dakin, >:)

pianoMan: @David Posner u go brah

 


DAKIN_YES has started chat

DAKIN_YES has named chat drama_squad

DAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope, Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, and why to drama_squad

 

DAKIN_YES: so pos and scripps

pete has left drama_squad

Here_come_tech_boi has left drama_squad

why has left drama_squad

HowAboutVanNogh has left drama_squad

420nosescope has left drama_squad

DAKIN_YES: well then fuck all yall ill do it myself

Chapter Text


chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB

 

420nosescope: bacon barm for breakfast  B-)

pianoMan: mood

HowAboutVanNogh: goals tbh

why: lucky bastard

420nosescope: @why hows the new phone

Here_come_tech_boi: how does it feel to be communicating over a piece of solid bird shit masquerading as a phone

why: in our faults we lie flattered be

David Posner: please dont use shakespeare to analogise the iphone 4, the bard will shudder in his grave

why: also y are u bullying me dakin uses a rose gold iphone 7

pianoMan: tru

David Posner: bad taste

420nosescope: sad times, man

DAKIN_YES: fuck all yall its a good phone

pete: wheres ur headphones

DAKIN_YES: i dont need headphones

pianoMan: hes lost them

HowAboutVanNogh: already?

HowAboutVanNogh: jfc stu

Here_come_tech_boi: serves him right

David Posner: ^^^^^

DAKIN_YES: fuck all y'all

pete: no thanks, ta

DAKIN_YES: you especially pete

David Posner: sorry @Here_come_tech_boi and @pianoMan that sick burn has just seared pete into the best friend spot

pianoMan: you wound me, pos

Here_come_tech_boi: you sure you want to replace me the day i bring 10p  pick'n'mix

pete: dont think i can compete w that pos

David Posner: sorry pete, thats true

David Posner: @Here_come_tech_boi is my best friend again

pianoMan: what does that make me

HowAboutVanNogh: desperate

420nosescope: lol

pianoMan: accurate but fuck you lockwood

why: honestly what a mood

 


chat: history_squad

 

DAKIN_YES: right, while hectors gone to the bogs

DAKIN_YES: lads night on friday, guys, dont forget

DAKIN_YES: pre-drinks @420nosescope

TEACHUSSY: i think youre in the wrong chat, dakin

DAKIN_YES: not necessarily, sir

pianoMan: @DAKIN_YES yes you are

pianoMan: get in the knob chat

TEACHUSSY: What?

why: it's not worth explaining, sir

 


chat: SCRIPPS IS A KNOB

pianoMan changed chat name to dakins a slag

 

why: dont even bother threatening to sue, dakin

DAKIN_YES: dickhead

HowAboutVanNogh: truth, stu

420nosescope: u cant invite the history teacher to my house, stu

DAKIN_YES: i didnt invite him to ur house

pianoMan: you basically did

DAKIN_YES: okay, fair enough

DAKIN_YES: but lads night?

DAKIN_YES: come ooooooon

DAKIN_YES: its a non-school setting

Here_come_tech_boi: were not bringing him to lads night because youll spend all night highkey flirting with him while the rest of us sit there awkwardly trying to stop you doing something thatll get our one shot at oxbridge arrested

pete: ^^^^^^^

HowAboutVaNogh: also hes a prick

David Posner: also you dont even invite me to lads night so why are you inviting the bloody history teacher

420nosescope: @David Posner isnt it sabbath for u tho

David Posner: timms if we did sabbath properly dont you think idve used it to get out of friday afternoon rugby in fifth year

David Posner: my legs turned fucking orange, i looked like a goddam oompa loompa

David Posner: it was 2/7ths of a fucking rainbow between the orange legs and the blue socks

420nosescope: fair enough m8

420nosescope: u wanna start coming on lads night

David Posner: honestly the only reason id hang around in the smoking room of the wheatsheaf on a friday night is to watch dakin embarrass himself and lockwood sends any decent moment to me anyway

HowAboutVanNogh: eyyyyyyyyy

David Posner: so thanks tony but no, im alright, appreciate it tho

420nosescope: np m8, if you ever want though, invites open

David Posner: thanks, but ill stick to radio 2 on a friday

Here_come_tech_boi: wow pos thats sad

David Posner: at least its better than radio 3 @pianoMan

DAKIN_YES: radio 3, don? really?

why: no way

pete: even hectors too young for radio 3

pianoMan: this is bullying

HowAboutVanNogh: could be worse

HowAboutVanNogh: you could have all of wham!'s discography on lp

420nosescope: oh god he doesnt

HowAboutVanNogh: he does

DAKIN_YES: FUCK YOU JAMES LOCKWOOD

 


chat: dakins a slag

 

Here_come_tech_boi: ... is pos alseep

pianoMan: ... yeah

DAKIN_YES: jesus fucking christ scripps

pianoMan: leave him alone hes had a late night

DAKIN_YES: ;:-)

pianoMan: no, dakin

DAKIN_YES: im just saying

pianoMan: you aren't saying shit

DAKIN_YES: *hes leaning on you, don*

pianoMan: *hes just asleep*

DAKIN_YES: honestly scrippsy youre hopeless

 


chat: drama_squad

DAKIN_YES has added 420nosescope, Here_come_tech_boi, HowAboutVanNogh, pete, theVoice_ofReason and why drama squad

 

pete has left drama squad

DAKIN_YES: well fuck you too pete

420nosescope: i love rudge sometimes, y'know

Here_come_tech_boi: @DAKIN_YES dakin no

HowAboutVanNogh: please stuart

DAKIN_YES: BUT LOOK AT THEM

420nosescope: ...he's got a point

HowAboutVanNogh: NO TONY

HowAboutVanNogh: NOT YOU TOO

420nosescope: i aint saying nothing

why: thats a double negative

420nosescope: shit

theVoice_ofReason: what

Here_come_tech_boi: @theVoice_ofReason who the fuck are you

theVoice_ofReason: who the fuck are *you*

DAKIN_YES: oh shit sorry fiona

Here_come_tech_boi: wait what

DAKIN_YES: u and irwin r right next to each other

DAKIN_YES: added u by accident

theVoice_ofReason: no prob, leave me in, im interested now

DAKIN_YES: not sure ur supposed to be in contact w so many of the students in a non-profesional capacity

theVoice_ofReason: im not sure youre supposed to have your history teachers number

why: oh shes got u by the nuts there dakin

theVoice_ofReason: >:)

DAKIN_YES: traitor :(

theVoice_ofReason: ;-x

theVoice_ofReason: so whats happening

HowAboutVanNogh:   can u see outside in the quad

theVoice_ofReason: ye

HowAboutVanNogh: look at the lunch bench behind us

theVoice_ofReason: oh god thats adorable

theVoice_ofReason: is david asleep?

420nosescope: i think so

420nosescope: i threw a BabyBell at him and he didnt react, so probably

theVoice_ofReason: does donald normally blush so much

why: no

why: its a posner and a dakin-taking-the-piss-about-posner thing

theVoice_ofReason: @DAKIN_YES what's your agenda here

DAKIN_YES: excuse me?

DAKIN_YES: i have no agenda

theVoice_ofReason: yes you do

theVoice_ofReason: 1) you never do anything nice, ever

theVoice_ofReason: 2) you lowkey kind of hate david

theVoice_ofReason: 3) youre stuart dakin, you have no soul

DAKIN_YES: ill sue you

why: legally, dakin, i wouldnt bother disputing any of those points

DAKIN_YES: im disputing 2

DAKIN_YES: i dont *hate* posner

HowAboutVanNogh: sure seems like it sometimes

Here_come_tech_boi: he honestly believes you do

DAKIN_YES: wait what

420nosescope: you dont hate posner?

DAKIN_YES: no jfc

DAKIN_YES: its weird okay

DAKIN_YES: he likes me

DAKIN_YES: i dont

DAKIN_YES: how the fuck am i supposed to deal w that

Here_come_tech_boi: well for a start you could not run a fucking mile instead of being nice when ur in the same range as him

Here_come_tech_boi: he knows you dont like him

Here_come_tech_boi: trust me

Here_come_tech_boi: i have been that boys venting bag for seven years, i fucking know

Here_come_tech_boi: so pull your dick out of your own arsehole and try not being an egotistical, narcissistic , piece of shit toerag and at least deal with your own fucking problems

HowAboutVanNogh: wow 8 /

420nosescope: ^^^

why: shit, adil

theVoice_ofReason: YEAH BABY SLAY THAT BITCH

HowAboutVanNogh: yeah, slay

DAKIN_YES: OKAY, YES, I AM KIND OF A PIECE OF SHIT

420nosescope: im screenshotting that

DAKIN_YES: FINE BUT CAN WE MOVE ON TO THE FUCKING POINT

DAKIN_YES: can we stop them goddam mooning all over each other before it fucking kills us

why: no

HowAboutVanNogh: its kinda weird in itself, stu

420nosescope: sure, w/e

why: oh, goddamit timms stop enabling him

420nosescope: christopher all i am doing for four months is applying for university

420nosescope: i have nothing else to do with my life

DAKIN_YES: plus, its making me feel bad how sad the pair of them fucking look at each other sometimes

theVoice_ofReason: baby, you have a soul

Here_come_tech_boi: wow, evidence for that soul

theVoice_ofReason: EYYYYYYYYYYYY

420nosescope: >:-)

HowAboutVanNogh: stuart getting double slayed

DAKIN_YES: oh, fuck off tony

DAKIN_YES: u too jimmy

420nosescope: m8, im the only one helping you, you cant afford for me to fuck off

HowAboutVanNogh: im in anyway, its less hassle than trying to say no to you

DAKIN_YES: YES, JIMMY

HowAboutVanNogh: but as soon as someone tells me to get me togs off, im out

why: im staying to watch you all crash and burn

Here_come_tech_boi: im not helping, im minimising damage

DAKIN_YES: @Here_come_tech_boi you want pos to stop complaining about scripps as much as i want scripps to shut up about pos

Here_come_tech_boi: prove it

DAKIN_YES: @theVoice_ofReason ?

theVoice_ofReason: i dont think youve thought this through but im always down for you humiliating urself in public

HowAboutVanNogh: excuse me

DAKIN_YES: THATS NOT WHAT THAT SOUND LIKE

theVoice_ofReason: >;)

Here_come_tech_boi: oh, miss proctor, i think were going to be great friends here

 

 


chat: history_squad

 

DAKIN_YES: sir

DAKIN_YES: sir

DAKIN_YES: sir i swear this is relevant

DAKIN_YES: sir talk to us

TEACHUSSY: what do you want, dakin

420nosescope: oh sirs getting shady

DAKIN_YES: sir do you do leg day

HowAboutVanNogh: sir if you skip leg day youll lose all credibility with me forever

pete: jim you dont even go to the gym

HowAboutVanNogh: tru

HowAboutVanNogh: but its the principle of the thing

TEACHUSSY: im not sure i know what leg day is

Here_come_tech_boi: le gasp

420nosescope: *sir*

why: why the hell are you two offended you exercise even less than lockwood

why: at least lockwood has go up eleven flights of stairs

why: tony u live in a bungalow

420nosescope: i dont need leg day, i am a paragon of health, fitness and peak physicality

Here_come_tech_boi: and ive just got great legs tbh

Here_come_tech_boi: you all know that

420nosescope: we know akthar

420nosescope: we all have confirmation that with the exception of a tragic few, we all look great in tights

TEACHUSSY: excuse me

pianoMan: fourth year shakespeare, sir

pianoMan: romeo and juliet, interpreted as the american war of independence

HowAboutVanNogh: full costume sir

DAKIN_YES: ive still got the pictures if you want them sir

TEACHUSSY: So you did a joint production with Abbot's Girls Grammar?

420nosescope: pffffft

why: if only

David Posner: hey i was a great juliet

Here_come_tech_boi: you were the thirstiest juliet ever put on the stage

David Posner: as opposed to the thirstiest mercutio

DAKIN_YES: oi

DAKIN_YES: i was not that thirsty

pianoMan: in case you've forgotten, i was benvolio and yes you were playing thirsty

DAKIN_YES: still not as bad as you in real life

420nosescope: rt

Here_come_tech_boi: rt

HowAboutVanNogh: rt

David Posner: rt

Here_come_tech_boi: pfffft go pos

 


 

private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy

Scrippsy: what were all the rt's for do you know

David Posner: i have no idea but its accurate tbh

Scrippsy: :'-(



Chapter Text


private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy

 

David Posner: do you ever think about goneril

David Posner: like

David Posner: shes so good to her dad

David Posner: i mean

David Posner: hes kind of a dick

David Posner: he shows up with his army of fuckboys that she cant afford to feed/house

David Posner: and she tries to make a reasonable suggestion

David Posner: and then hes just like

David Posner: 'fuck you and fuck your vagina'

David Posner: and like

David Posner: shes married to the duke of albany

David Posner: where the fuck even *is* albany

David Posner: and she hates him, which is understandable, considering the time period

David Posner: her sister, w no dowry, is the queen of fucking france

David Posner: france, scripps

David Posner: i mean, no wonder she copped off with edmund

David Posner: like, maybe dont try to kill your other sister?

David Posner: but still

David Posner: goneril and edmund should have become king and queen

David Posner: lear can honestly kind of go fuck himself

David Posner: plus, she only gave her dad what he wanted

David Posner: who gives a shit if shes lying

David Posner: she might have been telling the truth but cordelia was being a bit of a bitch

David Posner: goneril did nothing wrong and deserves better

Scrippsy: pos its 2am

David Posner: i get why regan is a villain

David Posner: you cant really rip a mans eyes out and still be a good person

David Posner: but you cant really put them both together in the same boat

David Posner: goneril *tried*

David Posner: regan didnt even let them in gloucesters castle

Scrippsy: go to bed pos

David Posner: no this is important

Scrippsy: not at two in the morning its not

Scrippsy: we have to be awake and actually working in seven hours you need sleep

David Posner: sleep is for the weak

Scrippsy: youre not helping your point

David Posner: i cant sleep

David Posner:   i cant stop thinking

Scrippsy: about king lear?

David Posner:   about everything

Scrippsy: ?

David Posner: are we even going to get into oxford, scrippsy

David Posner: if we dont whats all this bloody work for

David Posner: is it actually worth it

David Posner: are we good enough

David Posner: are we just wasting four months for nothing

Scrippsy: i mean

Scrippsy: maybe

Scrippsy: i dont want to lie to you, pos, maybe

Scrippsy: but youve still got that place at york uni, right

Scrippsy: even if you dont get in

Scrippsy: its not like everythings over

Scrippsy: yeah, its oxford

Scrippsy: but if oxford doesnt want you id question their intake examination criteria anyway

Scrippsy: out of all of us

Scrippsy: youre to one thats definitely going to get in

Scrippsy: so go get some chamomile and calm down

David Posner: i guess

David Posner: thanks, don

Scrippsy: no problem

David Posner: no, really

David Posner: tysm

Scrippsy: :)

Scrippsy: you want me to bring coffee tomorrow

David Posner: holy shit yes


c hat: dakins a slag

 

pete: dave you look like death

David Posner: youre a real charmer rudge you know that

Here_come_tech_boi: no pos really

Here_come_tech_boi: my mum could carry her shopping in those eye bags

David Posner: i was up late, thats all

420nosescope: the human or dakin definition of late

DAKIN_YES: oi

David Posner:   jfc, the human

David Posner: im on about four hours

David Posner: im not a nocturnal cryptid like dakin

David Posner: ill be reet

David Posner: ill nap through lunch

pianoMan: pos you need to eat during lunch

David Posner: yes because school food has such a great nutritional value

HowAboutVanNogh: #MilkSnatcherThatcher

pianoMan: still

pianoMan: you'll feel better if you eat

David Posner: who are you, my mother

420nosescope: nope hes the #daddy

David Posner: TIMMS

 


chat: drama_squad

 

DAKIN_YES: TIMMS WHAT THE FUCK

420nosescope: WHAT

DAKIN_YES: THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BACK IN SLAG CHAT

420nosescope: IM JUST DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME

theVoice_ofReason: oh god i can only imagine

DAKIN_YES: @theVoice_ofReason FIONA

theVoice_ofReason: YES DEAR

DAKIN_YES: IS TELLING POSNER THAT SCRIPPS HIS HIS #DADDY A BAD IDEA

theVoice_ofReason: PROBABLY BUT IVE NEVER REALLY SPOKEN TO DAVID ENOUGH TO ACCURATELY GAUGE HIS KINKS BUT FROM THE FEW TIMES WEVE SPOKEN #DADDY PROBABLY ISNT ONE OF THEM

HowAboutVanNogh: wait you can tell someones kinks by speaking to them

theVoice_ofReason: of course

theVoice_ofReason: #womens intuition

why: thats not a real thing

theVoice_ofReason: do you want me to test that

why: ...

theVoice_ofReason: yeah thats what i thought

why: i want the record to show i still think youre full of shit

theVoice_ofReason: let the record also show that chris crowther is a fucking pussy

DAKIN_YES: WE'RE GETTING OFF TRACK

Here_come_tech_boi: great now you know how it feels whenever we try to discuss something that isnt you @DAKIN_YES

DAKIN_YES: go die akthar

Here_come_tech_boi: im already dead inside

why: what a mood

HowAboutVanNogh: rt

theVoice_ofReason: same

DAKIN_YES: THE POINT IS THAT YOURE GOING TO SCARE THEM OFF EACH OTHER IF YOU KEEP HINTING SO OBVIOUSLY AT THEM

why: well then wtf are we supposed to be doing

HowAboutVanNogh: yeah its not like youve given us a plan or anything

420nosescope: it seems like your actual plan is just to complain about them until they fuck

why: wow timms with a point

420nosescope: ive got several points you can go fuck yourself w chris

theVoice_ofReason:   (☉_☉)

Here_come_tech_boi: yes theyre always like that

theVoice_ofReason: i mean

theVoice_ofReason: its not like i wasnt expecting it

theVoice_ofReason: but anthony? really?

420nosescope: im offended

theVoice_ofReason: if id placed bets id have put money on stuart and james

DAKIN_YES: baby why

why: yes dear?

DAKIN_YES: fuck off crowther

Here_come_tech_boi: i mean tho lockwood and dakin arent that much better

HowAboutVanNogh: not going to bother denying that

Here_come_tech_boi: oh, miss proctor, the things we could show you ;)

theVoice_ofReason: im sure you could ;)

HowAboutVanNogh: maybe we will ;)

 


private chat between xxxjimmy and stu_the_dude

 

stu_the_dude: jim can you actually not

xxxjimmy: what

stu_the_dude: can you not chat up the gf

xxxjimmy: im...not?

stu_the_dude: m8 youre not exactly being subtle

xxxjimmy: sorry stu but ur actually being mental rn

xxxjimmy: im not trying to shag your girlfriend

stu_the_dude: you sure? seems like it

xxxjimmy: dude please

xxxjimmy: im just taking the piss

xxxjimmy: im your mate

xxxjimmy: im not gonna stir that kind of shit

 


private chat between adilicious and stu_the_dude

 

stu_the_dude: akthar stop flirting with my girlfriend

adilicious: fuck you i do what i want

stu_the_dude: y'know what im not even going to try here

 


private chat between xxxjimmy and stu_the_dude

 

stu_the_dude: sorry jim

stu_the_dude: its been a seriously long day

xxxjimmy: stuart its not even lunch yet

stu_the_dude: just

stu_the_dude: ugh

stu_the_dude: yall

stu_the_dude: especially timms sometimes, y'know

stu_the_dude: its like herding cats

stu_the_dude: angry, vicious, horny cats

xxxjimmy: careful there dakin you sound very close to empathising w scripps

stu_the_dude: nah, m8, never

stu_the_dude: my extent for compassion encompasses myself and no other

stu_the_dude: just

stu_the_dude: sorry

stu_the_dude: for thinking you were after the gf

xxxjimmy: np man

stu_the_dude: and even if you were trying, looks like youd have to share her with akthar anyway

 


chat:  dakins a slag

 

pianoMan: why is lockwood choking to death

David Posner: yeah what chat are you all in, you all went silent but have been typing suspiciously for the last ten minutes

pete: honestly i dont think any of us really want to know

 

 


chat: history_squad

 

420nosescope: hwk?

TEACHUSSY: n/a

TEACHUSSY: You're getting a week off essays, I'm sick of marking them.

420nosescope: oh thank god

DAKIN_YES: sir

TEACHUSSY: No.

DAKIN_YES: you dont know what im asking, sir

TEACHUSSY: I'm anticipating something irrelevant to history and highly inappropriate.

David Posner: Wow sir I didnt know you'd also read Dakin's dictionary entry

Here_come_tech_boi: eyyyyy pos

DAKIN_YES: its not irrelevant

DAKIN_YES: i have a solution for your woes of leg day

DAKIN_YES: a highly respected sport in the ancient olympics

TEACHUSSY: Dakin, I teach medieval English History. What's Greece got to do with anything?

DAKIN_YES: its simple, sir

DAKIN_YES: youll never skip leg day again sir

DAKIN_YES: try powerwanking sir

DAKIN_YES: * POWERWALKING

HowAboutVanNogh: HOLY SHIT STU

pianoMan: wow ive never seen him type so fast

pete: oh wow

420nosescope: what up freud, its me, ya boi

TEACHUSSY: ... im going to forget that ever happened

HowAboutVanNogh: im not im screenshotting it

Here_come_tech_boi: send it here babe

HowAboutVanNogh: sure hon ;)

Here_come_tech_boi: thanks darling ;-x

HowAboutVanNogh: anytime, sugar

David Posner: same for me and @pianoMan

HowAboutVanNogh: sent >:)

DAKIN_YES: i hate you all

pete: not as much as life hates you, it seems

why: @pete what a savage

420nosescope: honestly love rudge sometimes

 


private chat between fifi-pro and xxxjimmy

 

xxxjimmy: um

xxxjimmy: hi

fifi-pro: two minutes, gotta sort out this paperwork

fifi-pro: right whos kinks do you want

fifi-pro: stuarts, adils or mine

xxxjimmy: what

fifi-pro: what

xxxjimmy: i didnt come here for kinks

fifi-pro: thats the first time ive heard that

xxxjimmy: ...

fifi-pro: carry on

xxxjimmy: im sorry if i was flirting w you earlier

xxxjimmy: and made you uncomfortable

xxxjimmy: and honestly im also kinda sorry that i stole your pm chat handle out of dakins phone so i could apologise

fifi-pro: oh honey thats so sweet

fifi-pro: (and honestly adorable)

fifi-pro: its just idgaf

xxxjimmy: oh

fifi-pro: bless your heart though

fifi-pro: im flattered, really

fifi-pro: you keep me on hold for a while, sweet pea

fifi-pro: from some things ive read/ seen/ heard i think you have some things to work out for yourself first

xxxjimmy: ????

fifi-pro: oh, bless

fifi-pro: youve got some figuring out to do

xxxjimmy: * ???????????*

 


private chat between adilicious and xxxjimmy

 

xxxjimmy: adil wtf does this mean

xxxjimmy: cryptic_af.png

adilicious: fuck if i know

adilicious: women, man

adilicious: do not understand them

xxxjimmy: yeah i know what you mean

xxxjimmy: just

xxxjimmy: what

xxxjimmy: oh

xxxjimmy: *oh*

adilicious: jim

adilicious: jim what the fuck

adilicious: you still here?

adilicious: respond you pillock

adilicious: James?

adilicious: James for fucks sake where have you gone

adilicious: James please what the fuck

adilicious: please mssg me when u see these

adilicious: tell me ur okay

 

Chapter Text

chat: dakins a slag

 

420nosescope: SPOOKY SPOOKY SPOOKY

David Posner: no

pianoMan: tony for fucks sake

420nosescope: HALLO-FUCKING-WEEN

HowAboutVanNogh: whatd you manage to get this year

David Posner: i refuse

David Posner: were not doing video nasty night at tonys *again*

David Posner: do you all not remember last year

why: obvs, it was fucking hilarious

David Posner: CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST WAS NOT HILARIOUS CROWTHER

pianoMan: no, but tbh you were, pos

David Posner: fuck off scripps

420nosescope: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

420nosescope: anyway i got evil dead

pete: what

pete: how

pete: thats the holy grail of video nasties

420nosescope: 'how much better is silence'

DAKIN_YES: oh come on tony, where tf do you find them

DAKIN_YES: you cant evade us w virginia woolf

420nosescope: nope

420nosescope: y'all gonna depend on me

HowAboutVanNogh: thats terrifying

HowAboutVanNogh: actually, wait a sec

HowAboutVanNogh has changed their name to spookwooo

David Posner: dear god no

why has changed their name to christopher_LEE

DAKIN_YES has changed their name to succ-ubus

David Posner: please no dakin

420nosescope has changed their name to reefer_madness

pianoMan has changed their name to paganism

pete has changed their name to hallopete

Here-come-tech-boi has changed their name to YAAAAS JASON

spookwooo: pete you just sound like youre german

reefer_madness: hallo, wie heisse pete

hallopete has changed their name to peteween

YAAAAS JASON: somehow that's worse

peteween: yall complained, this is what you get

reefer_madness: i love you rudge, never change

succ-ubus: @David Posner

David Posner: do i have to

succ-ubus: yes

christopher_LEE: come on pos

David Posner: but what do i puuuuuuuut

peteween: just change it to something horrifying, dave

David Posner: heres an idea

David Posner has changed their name to Stuart Dakin

succ-ubus: HEY

paganism: accurate there pos <3

succ-ubus: TRAITOR SCRIPPS

 


chat: drama_squad

 

succ-ubus: im going to kill scripps

theVoice_ofReason: please dont sweetie pie

reefer_madness: hey @theVoice_ofReason get yourself a sp00ky name

theVoice_ofReason has changed their name to fionaberry sauce

christopher_LEE: what

fionaberry sauce: nothing is more horrifying than christmas in october

spookwooo: thats

YAAAAS JASON: actually kind of genius

fionaberry sauce: thanks babes <3

YAAAAS JASON: <3

spookwooo: :)

succ-ubus: if yallre done im still going to murder donald scripps and david posner

fionaberry sauce: no youre not

fionaberry sauce: and anyway this chat only exists because you want to see scripps nut, not nut him in the head

succ-ubus: cant i want both

christopher_LEE: technically yes but in the long term, no, nutting scripps in the head is probably detrimental to scripps nutting posner

spookwooo: who says scripps would nut posner

spookwooo: maybe pos would nut scripps

reefer_madness: no way m8

spookwooo: its technically possible, if you think about it

reefer_madness: its technically dave

reefer_madness: if dave isnt the one that takes it up the arse ill bend over and let him fuck me myself

YAAAAS JASON: 0_0

succ-ubus: thats p gay tony

reefer_madness: SAYS YOU

succ-ubus: YOU WERE JUST SAYING YOUD LET POS NUT YOU TIL YOU NUT

reefer_madness: IN A HYPOTHETICAL EXTREMELY UNLIKELY SCENARIO DUE TO THE PROBABILITY THAT SCRIPPS WOULD NUT

succ-ubus: WHATS YOUR NUTTING EVIDENCE

reefer_madness: @YAAAAS JASON

YAAAAS JASON: WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW HOW POSNER NUTS

YAAAAS JASON: @succ-ubus HOW DOES SCRIPPS NUT

succ-ubus: SCRIPPS DOESNT NUT, THATS KIND OF THE PROBLEM

spookwooo: WHAT

spookwooo: NO NUT

spookwooo: NOT ONCE

succ-ubus: NO NUTS FOR JIZZUS BOI

christopher_LEE: I DONT BELIEVE THAT THE BOY DOESNT NUT

succ-ubus: NEVER NUT

spookwooo: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

fionaberry sauce: for the love of christ can you all stop saying nut now

YAAAAS JASON: no

fionaberry sauce: *for the love of whichever religious personality that none of you actually believe in can you all stop saying nut now

christopher_LEE: you started it

fionaberry sauce: we all make mistakes

YAAAAS JASON: eg: stuart dakin

fionaberry sauce: oi

spookwooo: SHIT

fionaberry sauce: what

spookwooo: scripps just stole dakins phone, i think he saw the jizzus line

fionaberry sauce: CUNT

YAAAAS JASON: miss proctor, language

fionaberry sauce: you going to come and punish me, big boy

reefer_madness: nut

fionaberry sauce: fuck you timms

spookwooo: thank fuck dakin managed to get his phone on screenlock before scripps got in chat proper

spookwooo: hes still got the phone though

 


private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy



David Posner: whyd you steal dakins phone

Scrippsy: did you know theyve got a whole chat without us

David Posner: what? why?

Scrippsy: idfk

Scrippsy: its prob dakins fault tho

David Posner: prob

Scrippsy: ...do you want to take the piss out of dakin while ive got his phone

David Posner: did hamlet want to sleep with his mother

Scrippsy: great, here's the plan

 


chat: history_squad

 

Stuart Dakin: Hey, sir?

TEACHUSSY: What do you want, Dakin?

Stuart Dakin: Nothing much, sir

spookwooo: wait what

reefer_madness: oh yessssss

Stuart Dakin: Just thought I could do with some private tutoring, that's all.

Stuart Dakin: I know you're not teaching at the moment, sir

Stuart Dakin: Must be lonely

Stuart Dakin: I could come over and keep you company, sir ;)

paganism: sweet lord

Stuart Dakin: Oh, is this bothering you, Scrippsy?

Stuart Dakin: Are you all flustered?

Stuart Dakin: Hot and clammy?

Stuart Dakin: Am I distracting you, Scrippsy?

Stuart Dakin: I can see you

Stuart Dakin: You look very uncomfortable

Stuart Dakin: Or wait

Stuart Dakin: Is that not uncomfortable

Stuart Dakin: Is that another face that I've not seen yet

Stuart Dakin: Oh my

Stuart Dakin: I think it is

Stuart Dakin: Maybe I should come over and get a better look

christopher_LEE: what the fuck

paganism: ...please no

YAAAAS JASON: 0_0

TEACHUSSY: dakin im not sure this is appropriate in a public chat

peteween: i cant take this anymore posner please stop

reefer_madness: oh ffs pete that was just getting fun

TEACHUSSY: wait posner what

YAAAAS JASON: im deleting this entire chat record

peteween: thank christ

 


private chat between David Posner and Scrippsy



David Posner: um

David Posner: sorry

David Posner: that got a bit out of hand

David Posner: the dakin kind of ran away with me

Scrippsy: that's... okay

Scrippsy: really, really okay

David Posner: okay

Scrippsy: ...howd you do that so well

David Posner: do what

Scrippsy: the thing

Scrippsy: the talking thing

David Posner: oh dear

David Posner: wouldnt you just love to find out ;)

David Posner: (dakin, mainly)

Scrippsy: (did i even need to ask)

David Posner: (not really, tbh)

David Posner: sorry again

David Posner: for getting carried away

Scrippsy: no, no, no, trust me its fine

Scrippsy: i'm fine with it

Scrippsy: it's cool

David Posner: really, scripps?

David Posner: bc from where i was it looked like you found it pretty hot ;P

Scrippsy: POS

David Posner: never knew you did full-body blushes, don ;)

Scrippsy: this is bullying

David Posner: you sound like dakin

Scrippsy: please dont insult me like that

David Posner: :P ;) <3




chat: drama_squad



christopher_LEE: can i just be the first to point out a couple of things

christopher_LEE: on no account do we ever tell dakin what posner just did, ever

christopher_LEE: if dakin laid his eyes on that clusterfuck we do not want to deal with that fallout

christopher_LEE: mostly because im not sure whether dakin would want to murder or fellate posner after that

YAAAAS JASON: agreed

reefer_madness: seconded

christopher_LEE: motion carried

christopher_LEE: and second, that pos and scripps are actually

christopher_LEE: well

christopher_LEE: yeah

christopher_LEE: not sure they really need our help, tbh

reefer_madness: i'm 95% certain scripps has fucked posner already

fionaberry sauce: theyve not

fionaberry sauce: also what did they do

YAAAAS JASON: DavidPosnerPhoneSexQueen.png

fionaberry sauce: umm

fionaberry sauce: wow

YAAAAS JASON: also @reefer_madness weve already established the nut debate and we dont know the specifics of who nuts who between those two

fionaberry sauce: the word 'nut' has now lost all meaning to me now.

reefer_madness: oh stfu akthar

reefer_madness: actually

reefer_madness:   hold on one fricking minute

christopher_LEE: just say fuck tony

YAAAAS JASON: #LetTonySayFuck19k83

reefer_madness: @spookwooo how much have you actually been thinking about don and dave nutting

fionaberry sauce: please tell me i need it for research purposes

reefer_madness: what

fionaberry sauce: what

spookwooo: I havent!

reefer_madness: the nut debate only started when you said that 'if you thought about it' you wouldnt know whether don or dave'd nut

christopher_LEE: that's true, actually

spookwooo: i dont think about any other two lads in our class having sex with each other

christopher_LEE: wait

christopher_LEE: jimmy

christopher_LEE: that's some *very* specific wording

christopher_LEE: any *other* two lads?

fionaberry sauce: Chris stop

fionaberry sauce: Not now

reefer_madness: wait lockwood which of us do you want to fuck

fionaberry sauce: TIMMS

spookwooo: I. Don't.

spookwooo: drop it

spookwooo: ffs lads

 


private chat between fifi-pro and xxxjimmy



fifi-pro: im so sorry

xxxjimmy: what for

fifi-pro: you know

fifi-pro: making you think about it

xxxjimmy: wouldve happened anyway, i guess

xxxjimmy: you only sped it up

xxxjimmy: so not your fault

fifi-pro: sorry

fifi-pro: its just

fifi-pro: ... i dont have an excuse, really

xxxjimmy: hey, look

xxxjimmy: i'm not angry at you

xxxjimmy: im slightly pissed off at tony, but if im honest, he's a prick so one: i'm not surprised, and two: i'll get over it

xxxjimmy: you have nothing to apologise for

xxxjimmy: as much stress as it's been causing me, im actually pretty thankful that you've pointed it out now

xxxjimmy: so dont apologise for bein your intrusive, busy bodying, amazing self <3

fifi-pro: <3

xxxjimmy: that's a bit ironic, considering we're establishing im kind of a poof

fifi-pro: not necessarily, honey

fifi-pro: if i may be allowed to lead you further down the path of sin

fifi-pro: think about it a bit more

fifi-pro: who do you want, really?

xxxjimmy: ...

xxxjimmy: you know who

fifi-pro: and?

xxxjimmy:  wtf do you mean, 'and'?

fifi-pro: sweetie

fifi-pro: please

fifi-pro: you know you can want more than one person

xxxjimmy: but

xxxjimmy: the thing

xxxjimmy: and youre still with dakin

fifi-pro: see?

fifi-pro: you do know

xxxjimmy: i dont know anything anymore everything you say just confuses me

fifi-pro: pffft

fifi-pro: but you love it <3

xxxjimmy: <3 ?????

fifi-pro: now go talk to the boy

xxxjimmy: oh shit

 


private chat between adilicious and xxxjimmy

 

adilicious: so

adilicious: im not thick

adilicious: process of eliminaton

adilicious: defo not timms, dakin or posner, unlikely to be pete or chris, and youre not a masochist flagellant so it's not scripps

adilicious: therefore

xxxjimmy: look, can we just

xxxjimmy: not yet

xxxjimmy: i have no idea what's happening right now

xxxjimmy: every day i just get more confused

adilicious: really?

adilicious: id say it was p fucking important to address, considering that it's a pretty new revelation

xxxjimmy: adil ffs

xxxjimmy: look, im sorry, and i know its awkward

xxxjimmy: but jfc i realised this out a week ago

xxxjimmy: we cant all be posner and be bonny and bright and good and gay from day one

xxxjimmy: im... adjusting

xxxjimmy: so, please

xxxjimmy: it must be so weird for you and im sorry

xxxjimmy: im not going to be a posner, i swear

xxxjimmy: can we just kind of... forget about it

adilicious: no

xxxjimmy: okay, fine, ill just stay out of your way, okay, whatever works

adilicious: no, look

adilicious: ugh

adilicious: im not... adverse to the idea

adilicious: of being a thing

xxxjimmy: wait what

adilicious: dont sound so suprised you poof

adilicious: though i suppose thats mildly hypocritical

xxxjimmy: but

adilicious: just because posner's got the subtley of a tap-dancing rhino doesnt mean i have to be that obvious

xxxjimmy: but... fiona

adilicious: yeah

adilicious: her as well as you, tbh

adilicious: it's weird

adilicious: it's both, really

adilicious: lads and girls, if that makes any sense???

adilicious: i suppose that was kind of reassuring

adilicious: not being proper queer

adilicious: then i just got kind of used to it

adilicious: ive known for a few years, tbh

xxxjimmy: so that can be a thing?

adilicious: i guess

adilicious: feels pretty normal to me

xxxjimmy: oh

xxxjimmy: that makes sense

xxxjimmy: that makes a *lot* more sense to me, actually

xxxjimmy: bc obvs, fiona

xxxjimmy: and girls are still like, good?

xxxjimmy: but then this last week, as ive thought about it

xxxjimmy: lads as well

adilicious: oh i know

xxxjimmy: pete's *arse*

adilicious: fuck, i know, fucking perfection

xxxjimmy: pfft

adilicious: ...

adilicious: so what do you want to do about it

xxxjimmy: ...

xxxjimmy: i dont know

adilicious: well thats a satisfying conclusion :P

xxxjimmy: dont quote irwin at me

xxxjimmy: look, genuinely, im adjusting

xxxjimmy: i spent eighteen years of my life thinking i was a heterosexual

xxxjimmy: ive had a week to re-assess that

xxxjimmy: can you just... give me some time to sort my head out

xxxjimmy: Please?

adilicious: sure xx

xxxjimmy: thank you :) xx

adilicious: hah, gaaaaaaaaaaaaay

xxxjimmy: fuck off

 


 

private chat between adilicious and fifi-pro

 

adilicious: you're a goddam witch and i love you xx

fifi-pro: What A Mood, i love me too xx

Chapter Text

chat: dakin's a slag



David Posner: i want death

why: mood

why: but pos it's 3am go to sleep

David Posner: no

David Posner: i need to do this fucking essay

why: which one

David Posner: the one on the Geneva five of 1816 and their literary works' impact on english society and culture

why: oh.

David Posner: the one where in order to get a half-decent mark, i must be #edgy and claim that Mary Godwin Shelley, daughter of Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin, mother of science fiction, vodka aunt of the gothic novel and all-around BAMF, was not impactful- and if she was- it was because of Percy 'the B stands for Bitchboy' Shelley

why: right

why: first of all, the b stands for bysshe and you know full damn well it does

why: second, i think youre getting too attached to what youre writing

David Posner: with the greatest of respect, chris, its a little hard to profess belief in the exact opposite of one of your most fundamental views

why: no its not

David Posner: yes it is

why: look, pos

why: just because you say something doesnt mean that 1) its true or 2) you believe its true

David Posner: but it feels so wrong- like, my last point was that the shift from biological science in the Romantic period to technological science in the Victorian was to do with increasing Anglican conservatism

David Posner: and yes, it's an interpretation, but it's just wrong

David Posner: it's just not that basic

why: and?

why: once youre at oxford you can write what you think

why: but first youve got to get there

why: the end justifies the means

David Posner: but im just using history as a means to an end

why: okay, rule #1 of this chat: fuck immanuel kant

HowAboutVanNogh: WHO MENTIONED THE DEVIL

David Posner: good morning, james

David Posner: one day youre going to have to get over your hatred of philosophy

HowAboutVanNogh: ILL GET OVER IT WHEN IM DEAD

HowAboutVanNogh: FUCK THE PHILOSOPHY A-LEVEL

why: if it makes you feel any better like 90% of the things weve done this term have violated the categorical imperative of truth

HowAboutVanNogh: perfect

David Posner: truth means nothing now anyway

why: *life means nothing now anyway

David Posner: calm down there nietzsche

HowAboutVanNogh: excuse me who's that

HowAboutVanNogh: we only know @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw in this house

why: @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw

David Posner: @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw

HowAboutVanNogh: @DAKIN_YES kneeshaw

DAKIN_YES: i hate all of you

 

420nosescope has changed their name to kneeshaw

 

DAKIN_YES: especially you, timms

kneeshaw: @DAKIN_YES ;-x love you too, darl

 


chat: history_squad



kneeshaw: sugar my turnips ive not done my essay

TEACHUSSY: well who's stupid fault is that

kneeshaw: SIR

kneeshaw: ARE YOU SASSING ME

TEACHUSSY: possibly.

kneeshaw: SIR IM SHOCKED

kneeshaw: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOUR MOST DARLING PUPIL

TEACHUSSY: two things, timms:

TEACHUSSY: one- you are not my most darling pupil

TEACHUSSY: two- it's not my fault if the consequences of not doing your essays mean that you don't get into cambridge.

kneeshaw : sir

DAKIN_YES: wow that's so sad lockwood play blue monday by new order

HowAboutVanNogh: that's a bit gay, dakin

 


private chat between adilicious and xxx-jimmy



adilicious: 'bit gay' SAYS YOU

xxx-jimmy: situational irony, adil

 


chat: history_squad

 

TEACHUSSY: just do what you were actually supposed to do over the weekend and i'll overlook that it's late.

kneeshaw: okay sir.

TEACHUSSY: and dakin?

 


private chat between TEACHUSSY and stu_the_dude

 

TEACHUSSY: kneeshaw

stu_the_dude: *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir*

 


c hat: dakin's a slag



kneeshaw has changed the chat name to FUCK IRWIN

 

David Posner: careful dakin might take that as an imperative

DAKIN_YES: oi

 

kneeshaw has changed the chat name to IRWIN'S A FUCK

 

kneeshaw: hes such a fucking dickhead i hate him

kneeshaw: 'you wont get into cambridge' fuck off

kneeshaw: because i havent done his fucking essay come on

kneeshaw: oh yeah because i forgot to do one essay im going to the uni of fuck-all-nowhere

pete: to be fair tony hes been here nearly two months, we take the exam in four weeks and you havent given him a single essay

pete: given the circumstances i think hes being more than reasonable.

pianoMan: 'we take the exam in four weeks' thanks for giving me an anxiety disorder, rudge

kneeshaw: i *have* given him essays

Here_come-tech-boi: never on time

HowAboutVanNogh: and half of them are recycled totty essays, youve told us as much

kneeshaw: y'all cant be serious

kneeshaw: youre writing ALL NEW ESSAYS on the same topics?

David Posner: obviously

why: i mean, i use the same sources and sometimes the same arguments, but it's a new essay every time

kneeshaw: why?

David Posner: because we want to pass the damn exam

David Posner: we can't all give as few fucks as you tony some of us have to actually fucking work to produce something half-decent

kneeshaw: fuck off posner

pianoMan: no, he's right

pianoMan: we're all putting so much effort in right now that the fact that you dont even hand anything in is actually taking the piss

kneeshaw: but its just another exam

David Posner: its not just another fucking exam tony

David Posner: it's oxbridge

David Posner: and some of us want to fucking go there, okay?

kneeshaw: youre actually all working on this?

HowAboutVanNogh: cant speak for the others but this is the hardest ive ever worked for anything

DAKIN_YES: @HowAboutVanNogh excluding sex

HowAboutVanNogh: @DAKIN_YES nah, somehow i think that comes a lot easier to me than it does to you, i'm irresistible

Here-come-tech-boi: @HowAboutVanNogh you wish.

kneeshaw: fuck

kneeshaw: ive really cocked this one up, havent i

kneeshaw: shit

kneeshaw: shit

pete: there's still time, mate

pete: nothing stops you from starting now

pete: just got to make time for your work and hand it in on time, then work to improve it

kneeshaw: i love you rudge, sometime

pete: you can find an extra two-three minutes by cutting out your wank time

kneeshaw: sometimes.

 


 

private chat between stu_the_dude and TEACHUSSY

 

TEACHUSSY: timms is really annoyed with me, isn't he?

stu_the_dude: ?

stu_the_dude: a bit, yeah, he was

TEACHUSSY: crap

TEACHUSSY: i shouldn't have said he wouldnt get into cambridge

TEACHUSSY: it's too harsh of me to say that

stu_the_dude: sir

stu_the_dude: with all due respect

stu_the_dude: are you wrong

TEACHUSSY: what

stu_the_dude: seriously

stu_the_dude: are you wrong

stu_the_dude: if timms doesnt crack down he's not going to get in, that's an objective fact

stu_the_dude: and its not wrong of you to say so when thats the truth

stu_the_dude: honestly sir youre so used to lying you dont know when to tell the truth

stu_the_dude: crack the whip a bit

TEACHUSSY: still harsh

TEACHUSSY: and he knows what he's doing, so it wasn't completely warranted.

stu_the_dude: the only reason timms seems like he  knows what he's doing is because he's a two-bit bullshit artist

stu_the_dude: he has no idea what hes doing

stu_the_dude: and yeah, he went on a bit of a rant, but then rudge gave him a kick up the arse, and dear christ, he needs it sometimes

TEACHUSSY: rudge did?

stu_the_dude: mainly rudge

stu_the_dude: bit of posner & scripps

stu_the_dude: general consensus, sir, is we think youre entirely justified

stu_the_dude: you were right to say it

stu_the_dude: if hes pissing about then hes wasting your time

TEACHUSSY: you all really think that?

stu_the_dude: cant speak for them verbatim, but i do and i think the others do

stu_the_dude: sir, we think youre a really good teacher

stu_the_dude: youre teaching us some really decent stuff

stu_the_dude: new ways of looking at things

stu_the_dude: things we never would have thought about

stu_the_dude: or even considered were possible, before

stu_the_dude: and to a certain extent, we admire and respect you for that

stu_the_dude: or at least, i do

TEACHUSSY: thank you

TEACHUSSY: genuinely, thank you

TEACHUSSY: means a lot

stu_the_dude: any time

TEACHUSSY: now will you tell me how to change this damn username

stu_the_dude: not on your life

 


 

private chat between scrippsy and stu_the_dude

 

stu_the_dude: posner

scrippsy: no.

stu_the_dude: come on scripps

stu_the_dude: im in a genuine and kind mood today

scrippsy: there are many adjectives to describe you, dakin

scrippsy: 'genuine' and 'kind' are not two of them

stu_the_dude: exceptional circumstances, ive had a good day

stu_the_dude: posner.

scrippsy: what about him

stu_the_dude: what not about him

stu_the_dude: you pine more than a garden centre in november

scrippsy: what

stu_the_dude: pining? pine trees? christmas?

scrippsy: ah.

stu_the_dude: okay so fuck the metaphor

stu_the_dude: you. like. posner.

scrippsy: if. i. did. it. doesnt. matter.

stu_the_dude: why?

stu_the_dude: seriously, why?

stu_the_dude: whats the point in liking someone and doing nothing about it

scrippsy: hypocrite.

stu_the_dude: slightly, ill admit

scrippsy: wait what

scrippsy: youre admitting it?

stu_the_dude: so

scrippsy: DONT 'SO' ME STUART DAKIN ARE YOU FINALLY ADMITTING THAT YOU WANT TO SHAG THE TEACHER

stu_the_dude: eh? ish?

stu_the_dude: im adjusting to the idea

stu_the_dude: its an interesting experience, for sure

stu_the_dude: different.

scrippsy: stuart dakin, only you would describe having a crush on someone as an 'interesting experience' you heartless bastard

stu_the_dude: back on topic

scrippsy: fuck no were staying on this

stu_the_dude: what do you want to do about posner

scrippsy: for fucks sake, dakin, nothing

scrippsy: there's no... reciprocation

stu_the_dude: that youve seen

scrippsy: id like to think im more observant than you

stu_the_dude: "see better, lear"

stu_the_dude: look, have you asked

scrippsy: have you?

stu_the_dude: touche, but youre deflecting

scrippsy: of course i shitting havent

stu_the_dude: well then thats your first problem

scrippsy: dakin dont

stu_the_dude: ???

stu_the_dude: you dont even know what im about to do

scrippsy: ive known you for nineteen years of course i fucking do just dont

 


 

private chat between David Posner and stu_the_dude

 

stu_the_dude: do you like scripps

David Posner: fuck off

 


 

private chat between scrippsy and stu_the_dude

 

stu_the_dude: welp

scrippsy: i hate you

stu_the_dude: its in his head now though

stu_the_dude: and he didnt say no.

scrippsy: wait, really?

stu_the_dude: one day you'll thank me B)