The front door swung open just as Sarah was about to knock for the third time. Cosima stood in front of her, pulling her robe tighter around herself as the winter air rushed in.
“Are you kidding me right now, Sarah?” she said. “It’s three in the morning.”
“Yeah, sorry,” Sarah croaked, words running together. She blinked into the light of Cosima’s apartment, bleary-eyed. “Didn’t know where else to go.”
“You could go home?” Cosima offered, not unkindly. She ran a finger over her temple.
“Gets lonely when Kira's at her dad’s,” Sarah said. The words hung in the air. God, she thought she’d have more to say.
“Should I be worried, Sarah?”
Sarah shook her head, making herself dizzy in the process. She threw out a hand to catch the wall as she stumbled.
“Nah, I’m alright,” she said, not sure whether or not she believed it herself. “Just wanted to… dunno really.”
“Whatever it is,” Cosima said, and there was that tenderness in her voice that only ever made things harder. “You know you can talk to me.”
Sarah nodded, then spoke again before she had a chance to change her mind.
“I told you I was sorry, didn’t I? About Delphine?”
“Yeah,” Cosima said. “You did.”
“I lied,” Sarah said, and maybe it was the cold or maybe it was something else, but her eyes were welling up with tears. “Wasn’t sorry. Tried to be. But I’m just too bleedin’ selfish, aren’t I?”
“Sarah,” Cosima sighed.
“I love you, Cos,” Sarah said before she could be told not to. “I’m in love with you, alright? I tried so hard not to feel it, but I can’t keep lyin’ to myself. Can’t keep lyin’ to you.”
Cosima stood silent and listened. Sarah wished desperately that she could make out her face, but she was just a dark blur in her vision now.
“Just needed you to know, because if there’s a chance, any chance at all…”
Sarah swallowed, took a breath. She wanted to vomit.
“If this is it,” she continued. “If this is all there’s ever gonna be between us, just tell me now, alright? Just tell me to go home and you’ll never hear about it again.”
Sarah left it there, biting her lip to keep from saying any more. Anything about how Cosima had been the only thing keeping her from taking Alison’s clone fund and bolting with Kira in the middle of the night. Or about how she’d been the one driving Sarah forward, keeping her alive and fighting on that horrible island. Or about the way Sarah had felt lying next to her in Felix’s bed, fingers intertwined, not sure if Cosima would even live to see the next morning, wanting so badly to pull her close and kiss her and tell her how much she needed her.
Finally, after an agonizing few seconds, Cosima cleared her throat.
“Let’s talk inside, okay?”
Sarah pulled her head up, just able to make out the curve of Cosima’s smile against the light. Her arm was out, hand extended toward Sarah.
“Yeah,” Sarah tried to say, but it came out as something more like a choked laugh. She took Cosima’s hand, the warmth of it filling her and sobering her, and followed her into the light.