Sometimes I come back to this story, on an irregular basis I admit, and try to read over what I've written. Most of the time my reactions are largely mixed. I'm quite often shocked by how bad I still find the first sixty chapters or so. I'm genuinely mortified each time I find spelling and grammatical errors that at the time of writing should have been blindingly obvious. Every chapter of this story has already been published and at times I'm even surprised that anyone ever read it, let alone stuck with it.
As I get to the later chapters sometimes I'm actually still surprised that any of it actually reads okay. It's now well over two years since I published the first chapter and I still remember sitting down and writing it. I remember exactly how I was feeling that day. I also remember how nervous I felt when I first posted it. I was afraid to read the comments and I never replied to a single one. Even now I can still feel the inner termoil I felt at the time.
Now I look back at it and wonder if I only touched on certain things that I should have explored every nook and cranny of. Were there roads I thought about taking this story down and never managed to? Are there areas that I should have written about more, given them more depth? Did I just take the easy road, especially in the beginning?
I've thought about orphaning this story but then it's lost to me forever. There can be no more edits, I won't still see that someone commented or left kudos. I've even toyed with the idea of deleting it but I know a few people like to come back to it and read it over because it's a favourite story. That would be my most selfish action and I know that is the reason I won't do it.
I started writing this when I was at a particularly low point in my life. I guess I had to start somewhere, this was my starting point. So yes I read it and pick it apart, generally finding more that I don't like than I do. I've learnt from it, my writing, I hope, has improved because of it. I know I write much better today than I did yesterday and certainly much better than I did when I started writing.
I wonder if this story is part of a dying fandom now. Should I write more? Would it be read by anyone? I'm into my fourth story and struggling to write sometimes. Not because I don't want to write it but just because of my health. Some days I can write through the pain, sometimes it helps if I'm writing a part that I want to feel angry at. Yes writing Joan Ferguson or Marie Winter can make my blood boil and yet sometimes I'd love to explore their characters a little more and at the same time I'd rather they didn't exist.
Do parts of this story not work? I know nothing I ever write is going to be perfect, believe me the first draft of anything I write is generally not fit for anyone to read. There's no shame in wanting to improve what I write or the way I write because if I have nothing to work on I have nothing left to learn. I can easily accept criticism because that makes me want to do better next time. If I write a chapter that someone really doesn't like does that mean they won't read the next? I know personally I'll always read the next chapter of a story because why wouldn't I?
So I have learnt a lot from this story, I will continue to learn a lot the more as I write. If I write something badly it just means I'm doing something that I find hard but I won't give up. Working beyond my capabilities at the time means I have to improve doesn't it? And this has turned into a lot of garbled rubbish that probably isn't fit to be read. I started out wanting to explain why I'm not a fan of this story and ended up here.
Maybe in time I'll come back to this story. Maybe I'll rewrite it and then create a series linking the two versions together. Who knows? What ever I decide I guess weather I love it or loath it I'll leave it here for anyone to read or reread.