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Voices (they're a part of me)

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Voices.

 

Always voices.

 

Well, maybe calling them voices is a bit inaccurate…and provoking (he really didn’t want to deal with the ‘voices’ going off on him right now thank you very much). But as he stood tensely behind the coffee machine trying to persuade it to just go even a tinsy winsy bit faster, while simultaneously trying to mentally block out the noise from the man behind him as well the ones in his head…

 

He thinks that ‘voices’ is pretty accurate.

 

‘Voices’ make noise.

 

Annoying voices.

 

 

Okay, ONE annoying voice who goes by the name Suga. And to be fair, Suga is usually one of the more mellow of the six (albeit if it’s just because he’s too lazy to actually speak half the time).

 

But…

 

Suga… Jimin tried. If he could mentally sigh, he would 100% be doing it at this point.

 

What an actual fucking bitch this guy is. Like actually, shut the fuck up.

 

Suga.

 

Aish, you’re making the coffee as fast as you can, like JESUS FUCK. CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS.

 

SUGA.

 

Jimin stares at the coffee machine like it has personally offended him and takes a deep breath, trying to smooth over his features before he has to inevitable turn back around and face the problem-of-the-day. It wasn’t unusual to have difficult customers. Heck, he works at a coffee shop, basically where people go to stop being so cranky with the help of a good ole cup-of-joe. Not that it makes it any easier to keep smiling and take sleep-deprived people’s orders, but all in a days work. All of them know this. And they know not to make a big deal out of it. Jimin can handle it as Jimin. He doesn’t need for one of them to be In Charge right now. He’s okay. He can do this (he has been doing it for the past six months). They’re only human though and they do care -if Suga’s ranting is anything to go by. He’s always been the most irritable of the seven of them.

 

And he can only take so much.

 

Smoothing a hand through his currently dyed grey hair, Jimin tries to block out the noise. He lets his eyes wander a bit. To his small, chubby hands with stubby fingernails. To the vintage table the coffee machine rests on. To a white scar on his lower arm, right below his left elbow. Honestly, he should be used to this by now. He can’t remember a time where he didn’t have at least one extra voice in his head. But now that he’s living in the ‘normal’ world, trying to live an as ‘normal’ life as he can…having up to six voices in his head (*cough* or just one really loud annoying voice) can get to be a bit much sometimes. Especially with the variety of personalities that those guys have. Seriously, Jimin swears that if they weren’t all in the same body, they could probably be a pretty successful K-pop group or something.

 

“Beep!”

 

He breaks out of his daze with a small audible ‘ah!’ as he hears the coffee machine finish. He stares at the black depths of the coffee for a second.

 

Back to reality.

 

Back to the noise.

 

Back to Suga…

 

This guy must have been dropped on his head as a baby. No one can be THIS DUMB. Does he GET that coffee doesn’t just, like, FUCKING MATERIALIZE out of thin air? Huh!? Aish!

 

Suga   please…

 

Jimin was just about to have another go at quelling the fire Suga when he finally, finally, hears another voice step in.

 

Yah, Suga, Jimin’s got this. Give him some space.

 

Rapmon. Next to Jin, he’s the most levelheaded of the bunch. And the smartest. Jimin honestly has no idea where he gets that IQ from. Probably from being the one In Charge the most when he went to school. He hears another voice pipe up.

 

Nothing he hasn’t handled before, Suuuuugar! Let’s play ‘I-spy’ in the meantime! Wink, wink.

 

It’s fucking Suga. Don’t start this “Sugar” thing again V I swear to FUCKING god.

 

V, did you seriously just say “wink, wink?”

 

Jimin let’s go of some of the tension in his shoulders and giggles softly to himself. It’s almost as if he could her Jungkook’s judgmental stare towards V. Being the newest addition to the bunch, Jungkook has grown on Jimin like a weed. He couldn’t imagine being without him now.

 

He stops himself before he can think any further on just how Jungkook was ‘born’ again.

 

V sounds nearly affronted, Well how else am I supposed to express that I winked two times? I mean, Jimin’s working so he won’t let me be In Charge right now anyway. Pout.

 

Oh. My. God. You actually didn’t just say “pout.”  

 

I already told you why I do it, Jungkookie!

 

That doesn’t mean you should still do it!

 

If I want to, I want to! Sticking-out-my-tongue-at-you!

 

For fuc- JIN MAKE HIM STOP.

 

Jimin takes back what he said before. There are definitely at least three annoying voices.

 

Four if he counts the man at the counter yelling at him.

 

“Yah! You told me my coffee would be done, like, a minute ago!? Take a look, do you see my coffee nice and ready in front of me? No? Me neither! Hurry up! I got places to be and better things to do!”

 

Jimin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He turns around with a plastered smile on his face. “Your coffee is almost done, sir! I’ll bring it to you as soon as it’s ready.”

 

Jiminnie! Can we go to the pet store today? Or the park? I really want to see puppies!

 

Maybe after work we can switch, V. Honestly, sometimes he thinks that V’s the actual puppy that needs to be walked every few hours. He turns back to the coffee machine and gropes blindly for the lid that slipped from his fingers.

 

The truth is though, Jimin doesn’t really mind switching all that much anymore. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like being cooped up almost 24/7. He’s Jimin now and he wants to try to figure out just who Jimin is. But he also has to keep in mind that there are six others, who are in his opinion, just as real as 'Jimin' is. They respect him, and he respects them. Allowing them some time to just exist in the ‘real world’ seems only fair. Granted, he would like some prior warning before switches.

 

But really, he’s okay with it. He’s trying to be okay with it. Trying to get rid of the guilt from before.

 

It’s still hard though.

 

And maybe Jimin should have been suspicious of how quite Suga was up until now. Maybe then he would have been expecting it, would have been more prepared for it.

 

At times, it’s scary. Feeling yourself slip away without your control.

 

It’s hard to explain what it feels like when you switch your identity mentally. Kinda like you’re being put behind a glass wall that’s kinda foggy. Or falling into crystal clear water. It’s like you’re still there, but you’re not really. Like taking a step back. Falling under a drowsy spell.

 

Most of the time the ‘voices’ (as he’s dubbed them for now) respect that he’s the original owner of the body. More so now that’s he away from his parents. Now that he has put some distance from his past.

 

Certain words or situations do cause one of them to take Charge however.

 

He tries not to hold it against them too much. They can’t help it. It’s what they were ‘born’ to do anyway.

 

Besides, he knows he’ll never be the person he is today without them. Might not even be alive for that matter.

 

But it didn't matter now. He wasn't Jimin anymore, not really. Well, technically all of them (all six of them) were Jimin in a way. They had to come from somewhere. But the 'voices,' Jin, Suga, J-Hope, Rapmon, V, and Jungkook, weren't really him. Sure they were a part of him as in they share the same headspace together, but each one was like a whole different person. Like the seven of them just happened to be trapped in one body together. Like they were destined to be together by the universe! Or at least he tells himself that.

 

It's better than the truth at any rate. 

 

And as Jimin fell back, back into the glossy water, Suga stepped (pushed) forward.

 

~

 

“Why don’t you shut the FUCK up and wait for your god FUCKING damn coffee, HUH!? Or are you too slow to understand even THAT?!” In a blur of grey hair, Suga was upon the man, glaring with a look that would make even the strongest of men falter in their resolve. “Here!” Suga slammed down the paper cup. “You happy now?! You got you DAMN coffee! Now FUCKING LEAVE!”

 

Suga hates people like this. Stupid people.

 

People who don't understand how the world works.

 

Like how it takes more than five fucking seconds to make a fucking cup of coffee.

 

He knows that forcing Jimin into a switch isn't good for him, but he was sooooo done with seeing Jimin taking his shit. He's going get a lecture from Jin or Rapmon (maybe both. Fuck knows they like lecturing him on shit) as soon as he comes down from his anger, they've done it plenty of other times.

 

But FUCK is he so fucking done with this guy.

 

The man had the decency to look shocked for a few seconds. It was like the spirit of a rabid tiger entered the previously meek-looking and soft-spoken boy in front of him. The man tried his best to recover and shake off Suga’s piercing glower before offering an ugly snarl. With an affronted ‘humph,’ he huffed “on second thought, I don’t want any coffee you’ve got to give”

 

Ohhhh Fuck no.

 

Suga saw red.

 

In the back of his head, he heard Jungkook make a small whimper.

 

Grabbing the piping hot coffee, Suga gave a growl. He began to raise his arm, ready to throw the coffee at the fucking awful cunt who dared to fucking insult Jimin. Nobody, and he means NOBODY, messes with Jimin and gets away with it.

 

SUGA STOP IT! You’re going to get Jimin fired!

 

Suga felt the sharp tug of being pulled back forcibly into his headspace. If he was still In Charge, he would have sworn he would have a killer headache from it. He tried to push back, but he was far too angry to really give it a serious effort, the anger preventing him from concentrating on anything else.

 

~

 

JIN… Suga ground out.

 

If you blinked you would’ve missed it, that’s how fast Jin changed Jimin’s face from an angry glare to a polite smile.

 

Holding up the already raised coffee, Jin looked at the man with his ‘worldwide handsome’ smile of his (or so they all joke). “Please sir, you’ll have to forgive me. It’s been a long week. Take your coffee. On the house”

 

The man scoffs, says his final words (“last time you’ll see me here”), and then leaves with that ugly scowl still marring his face.

 

Jin sighs. With the weary voice of a mother, Jin thinks back to Suga. Suga…you know better. You have to control that temper of yours. Jimin was fine. He wasn’t in any danger of getting hurt. You know that. Don’t do this to him.

 

Somewhere in his head, Jin hears an irritable ‘hnnn’ and a defensive murmured ‘he could’ve’ from the hothead.

 

Knowing that those responses were probably the best he’ll get out of Suga for now, Jin searches for Jimin. Most of the time Jimin will come to as soon as one of them steps back from being In Charge. When Jimin willingly gives up being In Charge or is easily coaxed into giving it up, it’s quite easy to him remerge. But with Suga forcing him back so violently…

 

Jin looks away from the retreating figure of the man in favor of smiling politely at the next customer. “Hi! Can I take you- oh Minjun-hyung! How are you doing?”

 

The small man hums to himself for a second, “let me guess…Jin or Rapmon…?”

 

“Jin. But call me ‘Jimin’ please.” The ‘because we’re in public’ went unsaid.

 

Minjun waves him off. “Right, right –you know how I knew this time? It’s because you and,” cough, “Rapmon,” cough, “are the only people who actually ask ‘how I’m doing,’ ya know?” Minjun gives a goofy simile, the type that you would only see in an anime like Naruto.

 

He does kinda look like Naruto when he smiles like that though. He’s already got that bleached hair of his. And he’s short. Oh   oh   we should spike it for him one day!

 

Hush now, J-Hope. Try to find   Jimin   please.

 

“Not here, Minjun-hyung. Please.”

 

“Right. Got it.”

 

Jin watches as Minjun stares intensely at the sweets displayed. Like as if it’s a life or death decision. He clears his throat subtly. “So…are you going have the usual…?”

 

“Yep.” Minjun says, popping the ‘p’ without looking up.

 

As Jin gives a soft sigh, he wonders how this guy is older than Jimin. Heck, he acts like he’s even younger than nineteen!

 

Maybe he should be wondering how this guy even became their therapist (and friend) of all things in the first place.

 

“It’ll just be a minute then, hyung.”

 

As Jin starts gathering the beans for the coffee machine, he lets himself retreat back into their headspace and resumes his search.

 

He tries to feel for the soft and warm anchored presence that is Jimin. Jimin is always the hardest to find when he is forced back in his opinion. Being the ‘original’ identity, he’s not as fluid in his movement as the alternative identities like himself and Rapmon and V and all the others. He was never supposed to be moved from one identity to another in the first place. He was never supposed to have more than one self. So when he does move, he retreats to the deep depths of his mind, as if the original identity is not quite sure what to do with itself.

 

Jin has never been more thankful for that fact when growing up with Jimin.

 

But now, it’s no longer needed.

 

It doesn’t take very long to find Jimin’s presence. He’s good at it. He’s been doing it since Jimin was three years old.

 

Taking hold of the presence, Jin coaxes it forward. Strokes it into consciousness.

 

Jimin. Jimin   come   back now. It’s okay, no need to be afraid. That’s it, almost there. Here, I’ll help. Don’t worry, I’ll always be with you.

 

Jin stays In Charge of the body just enough so that it doesn’t topple over in Jimin’s drowsy state. He feels himself slowly being pushed back by Jimin’s awakening consciousness and grips the table the coffee machine rests on a bit more firmly. It doesn’t hurt. It just feels like you’re drifting off to sleep without losing consciousness. Slowly leaving your body behind.

 

He let’s go completely.

 

~

 

“Jin?” Jin? Jimin whispers with a sleepy slur.

 

Hi, Jimin. I don’t know if you saw but Minjun-hyung   is here. I was making him coffee. The usual. Feel alright to finish?

 

Jimin nods with a hum, still feeling the aftereffects of the switch. Drowsy. A bit disconnected. He presses the espresso button on the coffee machine and lets the sound ground him. Switches usually aren’t that hard on him anymore. They don’t need to be forced as much as…before. And Jimin admits, sometimes it’s scary after a hard switch, waking up and not knowing what day it is, what time, where he is. After those switches he sometimes wishes to just be normal. Free of the voices inside his head.

 

Jimin…? Are you okay, Jungkook’s small innocent voice inquired.

 

Shhhh! We’re supposed to be quite so he can settle in again, V rushes in

 

Ah…I know…he just…kinda seems sad…

 

Rapmon speaks up. We’re not supposed to do that anymore guys…it’s not like back then. If he wants to be Jimin –stay as Jimin– we have to respect that.

 

We’ll be there for him when he needs us or when he wants us to be! Love you, Jimin!

 

But then Jimin thinks again and shakes his head fondly at J-Hope’s words. He would be lost without these ‘voices.’ And calling them ‘voices’ is a bit unfair. He would truely be nothing without them.

 

Over the voices, Jimin hears a soft ‘Jimin?’ He can tell it’s Suga.

 

Jimin? Um…I’m sorry…

 

He wakes up a little more, feels his heart swell at how genuine Suga spoke the words.

 

He rubs the scar on his arm and feels his lips upturn slightly.

 

He loves them.

 

I’ll try not to do it again…I just don’t want to see you get hurt, you know? So yeah…

 

He hears a soft ‘hmmm’ in agreement. He knows it’s Jin.

 

Thank you, Suga. Please don’t do it again. I promise, if I need you –any one of you– I’ll ask.

 

It’s scary being the way he is.

 

You know where to find us. Jin gives with a soft, airy laugh.

 

But the voices inside his head, they’re a part of him.

 

They care. They love him. He knows they do.

 

Family.

 

They’re his family and he loves them. His heart swells even more.

 

 

He loves them.

 

 

 

 

 

He loves them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you guys.