It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this, not ever. She was the Girl of Steel. She couldn’t…she can’t be dead.
“Ms. Luthor,” Jess asks in the background, but I hear nothing. I can’t get over the shock that National City’s hero…is dead.
The whole world watched. The whole world watched Supergirl die to save the city. Lillian…A shiver ran down my spine as I thought of the wretched woman that took the life of the Kryptonian, she killed Supergirl. Supergirl gave her life to put Lillian behind bars, Supergirl gave her life to stop the bomb, a massive bomb, one riddled with Kryptonite. Supergirl flew so far up in the sky that when the bomb blew, it simply looked like a star burst in the night sky, the kind of burst one strives to see in a lifetime. But this burst was nothing to covet, no, it was something to mourn, to grieve, and yet something to remember.
Part of me hoped, that somehow Supergirl survived, but as the city watch her fall from hundreds of thousands of feet in the air and land into the concrete, leaving a massive crater the size of a bus, it was all too clear. It was a horrifying sight when the cameras focused in on the sight of Supergirl’s motionless body. I, I vomited. I couldn’t bear to see Supergirl in such a state. But I hoped, I hoped she’d get up, limp away maybe, but I hoped she’d get up. But minutes passed, minutes that felt like time had frozen as if the Earth had stopped moving and all life around me just completely stopped. But then CatCo’s coverage begins and I immediately call my girlfriend. I knew Kara would be down there covering the story, she’s perhaps the number one reporter when it comes to Supergirl. No one seems to know her better than my Kara. I find myself smiling, as thinking of my beautiful girlfriend seemed to be the only solace I find amidst the reports of Supergirl’s death. So, I call Kara, hoping for a quick pick-up.
“Hi, you’ve reached Kara’s phone, she’s not here to pick me up so leave a message. Bye,” Kara’s voice said in her cheerleader like happiness. But I frown as I end the call before leaving a message. Kara’s phone rarely goes straight to voicemail. I’m sure it’s nothing, Kara’s probably just delving deep into the story, trying to get all the facts, all the details about Supergirl’s death, and I know it can’t be easy for her, she and Supergirl seemed to be very close friends. I send Kara a quick text, wishing her that she’s safe.
I’m sorry darling, I know she was a friend. Please be safe out there, I’ll have dinner waiting.
I send off the text and turn to leave, not wanting to be a L-Corp anymore. My eyes keep diverting to the balcony where Supergirl had first made an entrance. I smiled a bit again, remembering that night when she said I wasn’t like my family. Aside from Jess, and Kara obviously, Supergirl seemed to be the only one in National City who trusted me, and I’m not sure what I can do with that trust now that the most powerful woman in the city is…My hands ball into a fist as I think of the word. Dead.
“Ms. Luthor,” Jess asks again. I look to her and she’s about to say something but I cut her off.
“Jess, please cancel my day, I won’t be accepting anyone else, you may go home, and I will be leaving as well,” I reply. I know my tone is cold, but Jess knows me well enough to not be offended.
“Yes, Ms. Luthor. I’m,” she paused, softly patting my shoulder. “I’m sorry.” I give a light nod in return as I make way for the elevator.
The elevator ride is perhaps one of the most torturous in my life, the 47 seconds it takes to get from the top floor to my garage as mind numbingly long. All I can think about is Supergirl, and Kara. Supergirl, she’s dead. It’s only been an hour, and it’s…I don’t even know what to think. I’m still in shock, and what’s making it worse is that I haven’t heard back from Kara.
And the drive back to my penthouse is even worse. The ride was quiet, the kind of quiet one hears on snow blanketed morning when everyone is inside, and it was painful. All I wanted was Kara by my side right now, I kept telling myself that Kara was doing her job, and quite well, and that was the reason why she hadn’t responded. I found my phone in my hand once more, debating to send another text when I see one Kara had sent me a few hours ago. I hadn’t even noticed it.
‘I love you Lena’ The text read. My heart skipped. Those words had never been exchanged between us. Though we’d known each other for over a year, we’d barely been dating two months, that’s far too early for those words to be said.
“Kara loves me,” I asked myself, my voice but a whisper. I’m not even sure what to say. In my heart, I know I love her too. Kara has no idea how much I love her.
I call her again. But not even one ring had passed when it went to voicemail once more. However, unlike last time, I leave a message.
“Kara, umm, I got your text,” I pause, cursing silently to myself for such a poor response. But I don’t know what to say, Kara told me…texted me that she loves me, surely something so huge shouldn’t be said over a text. No, definitely not a text. “Kara,” I begin again, “We should talk. I’ll see you tonight darling. I hope you’re safe.”
I end the message, cursing again at my poor response. I draw in a deep breath as I put my phone away, finally arriving at my apartment. I tell my driver to go home, not needing his assistance, all I want is to be alone right now.
The second I close my door and make for the alcohol, pouring myself enough scotch to last me for the next hour. I hesitate to turn on the news, but I need to know. I need to know more how Supergirl died, and part of me hopes to see Kara on the TV, in the background somewhere, just to know she is safe. CatCo’s channel is chaotic, their news team is on the scene, very close to the deep crater where Supergirl still lies. The picture is unclear, but I can barely make out Alex Danvers among the wreckage, furiously directing various agents around the scene. Her face is too blurry to determine her emotion, but I assume she’s not fairing any better than Kara would be. I know Alex is most definitely NOT an FBI agent as she claims to be. I know she works for the secret organization that helps, helped, Supergirl. I carefully search the screen for any sign of Kara but there’s no indication that she’s there.
I call her again, but again, the call goes straight to voicemail. I sigh as I start talking, “Kara, I’m a little nervous here, I’m watching the news of Supergirl and…” I start to tear up, frightened at why my beautiful girlfriend isn’t responding. “Kara please call me, text me, anything…I just need to know you’re okay. Please, I lo…” I freeze as I almost say that word. I end the call, taking a moment before I throw my phone across the room.
“Fuck,” I scream. I’m a genius billionaire and I freeze up at three simple words. But they aren’t that simple, are they? Those three simple words hold such an immense meaning, a meaning I’ve never understood until Kara Danvers first asked me out on a date. I close my eyes, recalling one of the happiest moments in my life.
“Lena,” a shy voice asks from my office door. I look up from my reports to see Kara Danvers poking her head around the corner. I smile widely, allowing the sight of the blonde to put me at ease.
“Kara, what can I do for you today,” I asked kindly, inviting her in. She slowly stepped forward and I pondered at what had Kara so cautious. She was fiddling with her glasses more than normal and she couldn’t seem to make eye contact with me.
“Kara is everything alright,” I ask as Kara sits down in front of my desk.
“Wouldyouwanttogoonadatewithme,” Kara blurts out so quickly I can’t even comprehend what she just said.
“Excuse me,” I ask, somewhat amused by Kara’s outburst. Kara draws in a deep breath before speaking again.
“Lena, I was wondering, well more like hoping because I really, really want to, but don’t feel as if you have to…”
“Kara,” I say, cutting her off. I reach over the desk for Kara’s hands, which nervously take mine. “Just say what you need to say.”
“Do you want to go on a date with me,” Kara asked, a bright shade of red gracing her face. And it was so sudden and out of the blue I didn’t know what to say.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I, shouldn’t have said anything…I’m sorry I brought it up, I’ll just…”
“Yes,” I said happily, effectively cutting her off.
“Yes, I figured…wait! Did you say yes,” Kara asked, seemingly shocked at my answer.
“Of course, I said yes, you silly fool. Why wouldn’t I?” Kara sat motionless, her jaw dropped in shock upon hearing my answer, and that face I’d never forget.
A knock at the door brought me from the soothing memory. I hadn’t even realized how much time had passed as I saw the sky was now black, with the city lighting up the horizon with the final traces of smoke from the battle that killed Supergirl. Another knock. I race to the door, Kara was home, at last. I open the door.
“Kar…Al, Alex,” I stuttered, seeing Kara’s sister, whose face was plastered red with tear stains.
“Hel…Lena,” Alex could barely get through before she broke down in sobs. My heart started racing.
“Alex, what’s wrong,” I asked frightened, as I had never seen Alex Danvers cry, in fact, I didn’t even know she was capable of crying.
I step back a few paces. “No, no.”
“She…gave…she g-g-g-ave her life, she saved t-t-the city.”
I tilt my head, “Wh-at?” Alex then fell on the floor, groveling on her knees. I knelt down with her. “Alex, what happened, where’s Kara? Where’s my girlfriend.” I hate not knowing things, and this, this right here, it’s the most frightened I’ve ever been in my life.
I went through Lionel’s death. I went through his death and was left with Lillian as my parent, and that was terrifying. I lived through the aftermath, when Lillian would beat me, beat me for things I had no control of. I lived through her coldness for years, scared of her every move near me, only finding solace in my dear brother, who only would become a criminal. And after Lex was prosecuted, that was perhaps one of the most frightening moments of my life. I no longer had someone to protect me from my mother, and she was free to inflict the pain she wished. And that was when I moved to National City, but being alone was worrying, I didn’t like it, not here. I was alone most of my life, but at least I had Lex, but when I moved to National City, I was more alone that I had ever been, and I was scared, but I had never been as scared as I was right now.
“Alex? Where is Kara?”
“She’s…” Alex pauses, for two seconds. And those two seconds seemed to be the longest two of my life, because despite all the hope I could muster, I knew the next word, because if Alex hadn’t broken down before, she was broken now. “Lena, Kara’s dead.”
“No, no, no, no. Supergirl, she died, but Kara, she…”
“Lena…” Alex paused, looking up to me and looking in my eyes for the first time since she arrived that night. “Kara, she is…w-w-was Supergirl.” And that moment, despite all the hardships, the trauma, the beatings I withstood from my mother, all the times I kept myself strong, unbreaking, never allowing anyone to see myself down, for the first time, I broke.
“No, Kara, she…” I had no words. No words to describe the pain I was feeling, no words to describe the anger I had towards Kara, the anger I had for her not telling me the truth, she said she had loved me and yet kept who she was a secret. And I don’t understand that.
“Wh-why? Why w-w-would she,” I had to take a moment to breathe through my unrelenting sobs, “why didn’t she tell me?”
Alex then moved over and wrapped me in a tight hug.
“She really loved you Lena Luthor, I mean, it broke her heart every day she couldn’t tell you. But she loved you so much Lena,” Alex said, rubbing my back. But I rejected, standing up in front of her.
“I, don’t believe you,” It was the first time I had ever voiced any doubt about my feelings for Kara, and it pained me to the core to say it. But Kara, she can’t be dead. She just can’t be, we had so much to do, so much to say, I have to tell her I love her, I have to tell Kara how much she means to me, I have to tell her everything. “I,” I fell back down to my knees and covered my face with trembling hands. “I love her,” I cried, “I love her, I love her.” And I sob into Alex’s arms, no longer having control over my emotions, letting my heart take over in my despair.
An hour passed before I was finally able to get a hold of my tears. I knew more would be coming tonight but my tears ducts had emptied themselves of all they had. I cried over so many things. One, Kara, my beautiful, amazing Kara, was gone. Two, she lied to me. Three, she loved me, possibly will be the only one to ever love me. Four, I was alone, and this was the first time I ever cried about being alone. I will forever be alone because Kara was the only one who ever believed in me, the only one who trusted me, the only one who loved me.
Alex had gathered herself too, feeling perhaps a bit better after both of us cried it out. I can’t imagine just how hard this must be for her. Kara was her best friend, her rock. Alex was perhaps one of the toughest people I knew and here we just spent near an hour of crying together.
Alex offers to stay with me that night, but I tell her to go home, to go home to someone she loved, someone who loved her, while I, I was alone. I had no one, no one to love me, no one to hold me as I cried myself to sleep. And once more, I was alone.
Two weeks later.
When I was 11 years old, there were two weeks where my mother was particularly brutal towards me. Even to this day I forget what I did but she would slap, hit me, throw me around to teach me my lesson, I still have a scar from one of those injuries. Those two weeks were pitifully tragic, so when I put that into perspective with the two weeks that had passed since Kara’s passing, these passed two weeks make those two weeks so long ago look like a fucking cakewalk. I never thought one human could cry as much. Every night I cried myself to sleep and every morning I’d wake up, my pillow wet from the tears. Alex and Maggie would come to Kara’s door every morning to check on me, knocking on the door pleading to come in and every morning I’d tell them to go away.
I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I’ve been surrounding myself with work, only to leaving to sleep, and sometimes I didn’t make it home, I’d sleep on my couch, staining it with the tears I cried for Kara. For the past week I had been in Midvale, helping for the arrangements for Kara’s funeral. I had been staying in Kara’s room, sleeping in her bed, a bed that still smelled like her. Every morning I woke up to the smell, I’d turn over, expecting to see Kara by my side. But she wasn’t there. Eliza was there one morning. It pained me every second I saw Kara’s mother cry for her daughter. It just isn’t fair.
Just…why’d she have to go? She just said that she loved me, and then she’s, she’s just gone. Alex had told me that Kara so badly wanted to call me before she died, but the timer on the bomb that killed her didn’t allow her enough time, but that text, the I Love You text, Alex says it was the last thing she sent. Alex had been on comms with her that entire battle, hearing everything Kara had been saying. Alex told me Kara said that she was sorry, sorry for lying to me and for not telling me who she was. But she had been repeating I love you over and over, having those three words directed at myself and Alex. It was perhaps the only comfort I found in the past two weeks, knowing Kara’s final thoughts and words were for me and her sister. But, I still can’t gravitate the fact that someone, someone as miraculous as Kara Danvers could care about so much that I’d be a part of their final thoughts. And I’ve spent almost each night in the past two weeks thinking of how Kara would say those words in person, to me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t dream of how Kara would say those words to me. But now I’ll never now, Kara is…I sigh deeply. It’s been two weeks and I still can’t bear to admit it, Kara is dead.
And now it’s funeral, or at least Kara Zor-El’s funeral. Supergirl’s isn’t until tomorrow, that one will be held in National City. But today, this funeral is in Midvale, only for her family. Family, I scoffed, what a family I had. I’ve never hated Lillian more than I do now. She killed my only love in this world. And now she was rotting in a DEO cell, continuously asking to see me.
Kara Zor-El… I love Kara’s real name. The name is beautiful, which appropriates to her beauty physically, spiritually, and so many other ways that I can’t describe. Alex had confessed everything. Everything about Kara, everything about herself, about the DEO. I know knew everything, and for some reason, they trusted me. I have a feeling its only because Kara trusted me, and I guess Kara’s trust went a long way at the DEO. Alex told me how angry she was with everyone when no one trusted me after Lillian and Metallo kidnapped me. Apparently, Kara was the only one who believed in me, as usual. But in the past two weeks, I saw just how much Kara’s trust really went because Alex Danvers, and a few other of Kara’s friends had been showing me nothing but respect and compassion. James Olsen had even apologized to me, for judging me based only on the fact I was a Luthor. He apologized for not realizing that all I wanted was to do good.
But as I stared at a closed mahogany casket, imprinted with Kara’s house crest, I don’t know what good I could possibly do. I knew I wanted to do good when I moved to National City, but Kara seemed to be the only one who actually believed I was trying. And now she’s gone.
A warm hand pressed up against my shoulder, I jumped, only to see it was Kara’s mother.
“Eliza,” I say, my face absent of any emotion.
She encourages me with a warm smile that brought just a shade of comfort. And then she said nothing. She only kept her hand on my shoulder as J’onn prepared the ceremony. It was small, for close friends and family, barely twenty people were present, I recognized Kara’s closet friends, Winn, James and his girlfriend Lucy. Cat Grant, of all people, was present. Clark Kent, Superman, which I had known since before Lex’s arrest, and Lois Lane. The others present wore faces I didn’t recognize, probably DEO agents. But it was clear Alex, and her wife Maggie, along with Eliza and J’onn, and apparently myself, were the prominent guests. And J’onn was to be the minister.
“Kara Zor-El,” J’onn began, “was a hero. She gave her life for the city she loved, and she did it without hesitation. I have no doubt in my mind, she would go through it all again just to save the city and the people she loved.” I felt Eliza’s hand falter on my shoulder. I slowly took her hand and graced it with mine. Alex and Maggie had took to stand by my side as well while J’onn continued. “But Kara just wasn’t a hero.” J’onn paused, as he drew in a deep breath. “She saw me as a father, she was a daughter, she was a friend to us all,” he said, looking around the small congregation of people, stopping to give Eliza a few moments of silence. Then he turned to Alex, and his tears were now visibly present. “She was a sister. An unbreakable bond like I’d never seen before that I still revel over.” Alex buried her face in Maggie’s shoulder, and Maggie whispered unheard words to me in comfort. And then J’onn turned to me, “and Kara was a lover.”
I didn’t think I had any tears left to shed and yet, here I was, standing with people I didn’t know, crying over the woman I loved.
“Kara loved us all,” J’onn continued. “And that love is what unites us today,” he said looking to Kara’s coffin. “She was the Girl of Steel, she had incredible abilities, and yet her most powerful attribute was her love.”
It was then Eliza started crying, Alex stood and stepped in front of me to hug her mother. It broke my heart to see Kara’s family so broken and sorrowful. But it shot a sliver of envy in my veins, because it was my wish to be part of a family like Kara’s. I yearned for the acceptance, not just for Kara’s, but her friends’ and family’s approval as well. Being privy to Kara’s secret life only goes so far. But now that Kara is…I fear I’ll never have anyone’s approval. That hope died with Kara.
“Thank you Kara Zor-El, thank you for your love.” J’onn finished. He stepped back and waved for Alex to come forward. Alex had gathered her emotions and attempted to stay strong as she walked up to the podium. She took a deep breath before she began.
“My sister,” Alex looked at Kara’s coffin, “was remarkable. Not because she was Supergirl, but because she was my sister. She helped me through so many tough times, when my father went missing, when we moved out, and when I cam…” Alex turned to Maggie who softly smiled before Alex continue. “And when I came out, Kara gave me her undying support.”
And Alex turned to the coffin once, not caring that tears were staining her face, “Kara I am s…” but she couldn’t speak. She stepped back as J’onn laid his hands on Alex’s shoulders. She turns to cry in his shoulders.
“Would anyone else like to speak,” he asked softly. I so badly wanted to say something, I want to tell her I’m sorry, I want to tell her I love her, I want to tell her so many things I’ll never get to say to anyone else. But my legs don’t move. I stand frozen in place as Alex placed the first rose on the coffin. Alex takes a moment, letting hand rest on the emblem that was Kara’s crest. I’m standing out of earshot but I can tell her words,
‘I love you’ Her lips read. Eliza releases her grip on my hand and moves forward with the next rose. Her lips read ‘goodbye’. Maggie and J’onn are next, neither of them say anything. And then Alex walks up to me, handing me a rose.
“I can’t,” I whisper. “I can’t say, I…I need her back. She needs to come back.”
“Lena,” Alex said softly, closing my hand around the rose. “Kara would want you to say goodbye.” Her tears matched mine all too well. Alex held me as I walked forward to the coffin, barely keeping it together. I had to keep it together, despite all the emotions coursing through my veins, I can’t show weakness, not in front of these people. I stop in front of the coffin, I find my eyes meeting the gaze of Kara’s symbol, I know I’m treading on the thinnest ice, barely able to keep myself from breaking. I lay the rose down on the coffin while kneeling down to say something.
Words are a tricky thing, there are an ample amount of words that could account for what I need to say, there are words that might be too much, ones that might not be enough, I know the words I want to say, they are on the tip of my tongue, but I can say them. You’re not here Kara, you’re, you are dead. I am too late. Alex is right, it’s time to say goodbye.
“Goodbye, Kara. I,” I knew I was about to say I love you, but it hurts so much. I stand and leave, walking with quickened pace towards the house. I know I’m about to break…again. No one can see. No one can know how soft I’ve become. I walk faster and faster as I get closer to the house. I barely make into Kara’s room before I break down. I let by tears drip on the bed as I pull the bright red cloth over my body, Kara’s cape, the cape that still smells of the most beautiful person in the world. I stare a picture Kara has on our nightstand. A polaroid taken by a bystander at a carnival, of Kara and myself, holding a giant teddy bear around my shoulders, one of my personal favorites. I allow the memory to fill my thoughts, hoping it would take away from my pain.
“Lena, come on,” Kara says happily, dragging me over to a hammer game. Of all the first dates I imagined with Kara, a carnival was not on my list. But I sure didn’t mind. Being with Kara, here and now, it’s the most fun I’ve had, well, ever.
“Lena,” Kara’s happy state continues, “I’m going to win you the stuffed bear.” She says it with such determination that I believe her. But these games are set up to make you fail, no way she’s going to win. But Kara raises the hammer, her biceps flexing nicely inside her thin t-shirt. and smashes it down and the bell rockets upwards to the top. I’m so distracted by the…hotness, of it all, I don’t even register Kara plopping the teddy bear around my shoulders.
“Wow,” is all I can manage. I’m sure my face shows signs of flustering red and Kara’s does too.
“Um…I work out.” That’s her reasoning. Hell, I don’t care for the reason, I’d pay good money to see her do that again. “Hey Lena,” Kara asks nervously. I’m staring deeply into her eyes. I can see the longing in her beautiful ocean like blues. There’s only one thing I want to do know.
“Can I kiss…” I don’t even wait for Kara to finish. I press my lips on hers and within moments her hands find themselves on my cheeks. And as far as first kisses go…this was easily the best one ever. I am so lost in the moment that I don’t hear the man coming up next to us. But when a bright flash goes off, I sure do notice.
“Wow, you guys sure are cute together,” he says as the picture slips out of the camera. He waves the photo around letting it dry before handing it to me. “You ladies have a nice evening.” And he’s off before I can even say anything. I look down at the picture and smile.
“Wow,” Kara says, “you must be a darn good kisser to hold that bear up and kiss me at the same time,” she teases. I smile, the opportunity having shown itself. I press my lips close to Kara’s ear.
“Oh, darling, you have no idea just how good I am,” I say breathing a hot breath in Kara’s ear.
“ooh, ahh…that’s, youknowlike…I’m just gonna kiss you again.”
And she does…best first date ever.
I would give anything to go back to that night. The night where everything was perfect, everything was right with the world and not a damn thing could bring me down.
“Lena,” A voice from the door brings my mind back to the present.
“Come in,” I say, my voice only carrying into the pillow that my face is buried in. The door creaks as it opens, I don’t yet lift my head to see who has entered but as a weight sinks onto the bed with me, her voice speaks.
“Lena,” Alex speaks softly.
“Can I just be alone for an hour?” My tone is harsh, far too harsh for what Alex deserves, but she knows I don’t mean it. She is in just as much pain as I’m in.
“I’m sorry, but I need to give you something.”
I lift my head now to see what it is Alex needs to give me, it’s a box. A shoebox at that, and by the looks of it, it has quite a bit in it. I open my mouth to speak, Alex stops me.
“Before you say anything I need you to know that I know just how much Kara loved you. So, before you go in the box you need to know that Kara never had a doubt about you, and even against my advice, she was sure about it barely a week you guys started dating.”
I ponder at the meaning of Alex’s caution, but she leaves the box on the bed and left the room, closing the door behind her, before I can ask. The box has an envelope taped on top, with only one word written on top, Lena. And I know that handwriting all too well to question who it belonged to. I open the envelope first, and a thick fold of papers reveal themselves. I unfold the papers and find it’s a handwritten note, etched in fine ink, from Kara, to me. I brace myself as I begin to read.
I don’t mean to sound cliché but if you’re reading this, I’m dead. I hope my death was heroic, that I saved someone, maybe even you. I’m sure I did my best being the Girl of Steel. Oh yeah, I’m kind of Supergirl. Wow, that was a really bad way to confess it huh?
I pause reading, smiling a bit because even in her writing, her sunny personality and child-like humor still shine through.
I hated lying to you. Aside from watching my planet die and growing up on a new home, it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But, I need you to know I did it to protect you. I’ve been trying to get your mother for a long time now, and I guess since you’re reading this, I haven’t been so successful in catching her.
“Well, not completely darling,” I say aloud in the empty room. My mother is rotting away in a jail cell in a building that doesn’t legally exist, she’ll be there a long time thanks to you Kara.
But I wanted to make sure you were safe from harm before I told you. I couldn’t risk putting you in danger, nor do I want to. You mean a lot to me Lena, in fact, I love you. Wow, another major confession not completely well given.
I see a tear drop onto the paper, staining the word love.
But I really do love you Lena, like so much. When you fall asleep, your heart beats 46 times a minute. It’s not creepy that I know that, right? I learned that after our pillow fort date, when fell asleep in my lap. Lena, you looked so beautiful. You had those big frame glasses you only wear when you’re with me, and you were wearing grey sweatpants and one of my hoodies. Don’t get me wrong, you look amazing in your dresses and fine and dandy outfits especially the ones that show off your cleavage ;), but I don’t think you get any more beautiful than when you go casual for me. Your accent slips through sometimes, more often than I think you realize but it is so adorable. But that accent, Rao does it send shivers down my spine. It was so distracting in all our meetings.
I smile again, relishing the fact it was so easy to get Kara’s attention.
There are so many things I love about you Lena, and I could list them all in this letter, this letter that I hope you’ll never read. But if you are reading it, Lena, one of your greatest qualities is that you are such a good person. Rao, you are a good person. I know how much you do for charity anonymously. You want to do good, you ARE good, and I don’t know why you don’t want people to know. I guess you are just that humble of a person. You like being under the radar, alone in your quest for do-goodery? Anyway, it brings me to one of the points of this letter.
I raise an eyebrow, wondering what Kara might say.
Just because I’m dead now, I clench my fist, doesn’t mean you’re alone. You put up a pretty strong and rough exterior, one that is powerful, intimidating. Heck, I found you intimidating, but only because I know I liked you the moment I laid eyes on you and that was scary to me. You have no idea how much time it took me to muster up the courage to ask you out. Supergirl is brave and courageous, but Kara Danvers,
she, I got so flustered around you, it’s a wonder I was able to ask you out in the first place.
Okay I’m getting off track, I was saying that just because I’m dead, it does NOT mean you are alone. I know that’s what you think of yourself sometimes. I confess, there were a few nights I’d fly around L-Corp or your apartment, just to make sure you were safe. But I’d hear you, there was one night I heard you cry yourself to sleep. It was a few nights before I asked you out. Your mother had called you. Hang on, can I just take a moment and say I hate her!
I actually laugh when I read that last sentence.
I’m guessing it’s by her doing that I got killed. But she doesn’t deserve you, not by a long shot. Anyway, your mother had called you, just to remind you that you were alone. What a
bitch, I mean jerk…sorry. But the call ended and you went to your couch and cried yourself to sleep. It was that night I decided I’d ask you out. I didn’t want you to be alone anymore, and now, even though I’m gone, you’re not alone now. Alex will see to that. She may not have liked you at first, but I know she’d do it because she loves me. The people that love me, they’re going to love you now too. I’ll make sure of it, actually well I threatened Alex to make sure of it.
I find I’m still smiling, because even in death, Kara is still taking care of me.
Lena, there are so many things I wish I could say to you. So many things I want to do with you, so many things I want to ask you, the first being…Well before I ask, in the box, there is a smaller box, giftwrapped in red. Can you open that before you continue reading please?
I shake my head, allowing myself a small laugh, it’s as if Kara was actually talking to me. But I do as asked in the letter, and open the shoe box. The smaller box in question is at the very top. It really is small, it fits in my palm. But its size, its shape, I fear to think what’s inside. I carefully tear away the giftwrap, revealing velvet black box.
“Kara, you didn’t,” I say, not returning to the letter quite yet as my eyes are fixed on that velvet black box. I run my fingers over the material, they tremble as they reach the clasp of the box. I carefully open it, and as soon I see the ring, I am crying once again. The diamond ring, it’s beautiful. It’s big too. Not gigantic, but big enough it surprised me. The diamond is inlaid on a band that is swirling and tangled. It’s just, so beautiful.
I stare at it for several moments, allowing it to mesmerize me in its beauty. And after that, I don’t hesitate. I slip the ring onto the fourth finger of my left hand and return to the letter, which is now marked with several tear stains.
I don’t mean to quote Jim from The Office, but I got that a week after we started dating. I knew from the moment I met you Lena that you were going to be a big part of my life. And after I realized that I love you, I had to ask you out. And it wasn’t long after that I knew I wanted to marry you, practically after our first kiss at the carnival…that’s when I knew I’d marry you. So, again asking in the worst possible way, Lena Luthor? Will you marry me?
I had to stop reading for a moment. A moment to take in all I’ve read. Kara knew all this, so soon. I knew I loved her, but there were so many things I was unsure of. Kara, Kara was certain about every single detail. And the way she used those words, I wish I knew when exactly she loved me. We’d known each other barely a year. At what moment in our time together did she know? At what moment did she realize she loved me? At what moment did she feel that we’d be together for the rest of our lives…not that that matters much anymore. We won’t be married Kara, and yet I still wear your ring. I wear your ring because I love you. I wear the ring because, yes, my answer is yes.
“Yes, Kara,” I say through a tearful sigh. “Yes, I will marry you.”
I hope you’d say yes, even though I’m dead, I’d hope you’d say yes. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love you…okay except for maybe Alex. Oh, and potstickers...Oh Rao, I’m going to miss potstickers.
Anyway, there is one thing I want you to consider if you do say yes. Don’t let me be your last love. Please try to find someone else worthy of your love, I’m not even sure I was, but I know I love you, and you definitely are worthy of my love.
I’m crying again. I can’t even imagine Kara not being worthy of my love. She deserved everything, and I wish I could give her everything.
But please just try to find someone. If you can’t move on… well I don’t know if I should be flattered or sad. Part me would love knowing I was the only one you could love, but another part of me knows I couldn’t forgive myself I you couldn’t move on from my death. I’m not saying forget about me Lena, I hope to Rao, you’d never forget me, all I’m asking is that you try to find someone.
I pause a moment, giving myself a second to wrap my head around Kara’s words. I don’t want to think about moving on. I can’t move on. How could I move on? You are…were, no…you still are everything to me Kara. I don’t, I haven’t a clue of what to do without you. Sure, I could drown myself in work, but where does that leave me? It leaves me alone. You say I won’t alone in your death Kara, but you don’t see, I already am. I’m alone without you, you say I have your friends, but, they are your friends. They only my friends because of you. And without you, are they going to stay?
You’re thinking of being alone, aren’t you?
You might know me too well Kara.
Well, stop. I’ll
say write it, again. You are not alone. You may think you are but you are not. And you never will be. I will always be with you. Forever.
Okay, so I’m running out of things to say now, so I think this is it Lena. I pray that you live on and continue to be the good person I always knew you to be.
And know that even in my death, I still love you, and I always will. Always.
I hold the papers to my heart, cherishing each and every word that she wrote to me.
“I love you Kara. I’m,” I stifle a tear, “I’m sorry I never got to tell you.”
I then sit in silence for a few moments, letting the silence overtake. I just needed a second to regain composure, at least what little of it I had left.
I then make for the shoebox, still filled with small trinkets and gifts. The first I see is a coin, a token from the carnival, our first date. I pick it up in my hands, allowing the cool metal to take me back to that perfect night.
The next object is a sketchbook, one I’d never seen before. But when I open it, I’m shocked to see most of the portraits in the book are of me. I’m shocked, I had no idea Kara was an artist, and a good one at that. I lay the book aside as I reach for the next item. It’s a pile of papers, articles, photos, news clippings, and the like. The first is an article about me, written by Clark Kent, about her fresh start. But most of the article wasn’t there, it seemed Kara only cared about the photo. She always did like my work look. Whenever I wore that black piece that nicely complemented my cleavage, I know it was particularly hard for Kara to keep her eyes off me.
I sort through the pile, picking up articles, and photos, recalling each memory in detail, wishing Kara could be here with me to laugh at these memories with me. I look to the polaroid on Kara’s nightstand and then to the ring on my finger.
“I want you back here Kara. I need you my darling.” I whisper as I lay my head on the pillow, pulling the cape on my body, “I need you,” I whisper as I close my eyes, hoping to fall into a restful sleep.
The next day.
I don’t go to the second funeral. I just can’t do it, I stay in Midvale, with Eliza and Maggie, while J’onn and Alex went to see to Supergirl’s funeral. It would be televised, worldwide. The Mayor of National City was to give the eulogy.
I sit in the living room, my eyes traveling between the TV and the ring on my finger. Eliza comes to sit next to me.
“She begged to me to come with her and Alex to get that ring,” Eliza says to me. I look at her, I don’t respond but she sees the question in my eyes.
“I love that Kara knew she wanted to marry you from the start, but you,” She paused. I braced myself for some kind of ‘You are a Luthor’ speech…won’t be the first time, most definitely won’t be the last.
“You were her first real relationship.”
My mouth drops open a bit, surprised at Eliza’s truth.
“She didn’t really have much luck in high school, she, didn’t really fit in, and if it weren’t for Alex, I fear her high school and early college life could have been a lot worse. She really liked James, but she just didn’t see their friendship evolving into much more. But when she began talking about you, it was quite clear what she wanted. I’m not sure she realized that she liked girls until she met you. I know for a fact they don’t really identify sexuality, most everything on her planet was done by science. I don’t know if Kara ever really understood that, but I know she understood what love meant and I know she really loved you.”
I’m crying again. I’ve lost count exactly how many times I’ve ended up crying this weekend alone, much less the past two weeks. I didn’t cry when my biological mother died, I was too young to understand. I never cried the nights I spent alone in my room as a child, feeling alone and abandoned after Lionel died and Lex went off to college. I didn’t cry for Lex as he was becoming unhinged and straying for from the brother I loved. But I’m crying now, because now, I just don’t care.
And now I see the TV, the camera focuses on Superman, who broods over Supergirl’s coffin. He doesn’t say any words, he only lays his hand on the crest of their family for a few moments before flying off into the sky. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure he deserved Kara’s love. I know they’re family, but Clark left her with the Danvers’ and went back to being Superman. Kara talked about him in high regard, but having known Clark before I moved to National City, and seeing him now, I just don’t know. Clark was focused in Metropolis, he was focused on not taking down my brother, but trying to get him to see his evil ways, and turn back to the man that he and I both admired. He had said as much several times, one time in particular comes in to mind.
“Ms. Luthor,” a calm brooding voice called out behind me. I raise my head from my desk.
“Clark,” I ask, he winces upon hearing me use his name when he’s wearing the cape. “Don’t like that?”
“Not so much when I’m wearing the cape Lena.”
“Very well, Superman. What can I do for you?”
“Lex,” he says coolly. “Lena, he’s…”
“I know,” I say, cutting him off. I know all too well what he’s going to say. Lex has been declining for so long, that I am not surprised. I held hope, hope that he might see his dark ways and come back to me, but I could tell that hope was gone. The Lex that I grew up with, the Lex that I loved, he is gone.
“I’m sorry Lena, but, he’s dangerous, and I don’t think reasoning is much of an option anymore.”
I don’t hesitate with my answer, “I understand.”
There is a silence that falls between us, one so quiet that I could hear the muffled sounds of the city from my office, a city that I loved, and yet did not feel like home. Then again, I never really had a home. Lex made feel at home, but with him gone…with him acting the way he is, I’ll never be home again.
“Lena, I wish there was another way. I’m sorry.”
He nodded and turned to fly away. Apologizing once more as he flew off. “He was a great friend to me. I really am sorry.”
That was the last time I saw Clark in person until yesterday. He came to LuthorCorp to apologize once more, after Lex’s arrest but I was not there, I was busy making my plans to move to National City. But I saw him yesterday, and not a single word was exchanged. I don’t resent nor blame him for Lex’s arrest, he did what needed to be done, he brought justice to the countless number of lives Lex ruined trying to takedown Superman. I am grateful Superman tried his best to take Lex down peacefully, and that he saved a great number of lives, but I choose not to see or talk to him, as doing so is just a reminder of what Lex did in the name of science and humanity. It’s a reminder of who I lost, and that’s not something I wish to remember.
Eliza moves my head to her shoulders, my eyes still fixed on the TV. I spot Alex and J’onn, both showing stoic and emotionless faces, doing their best not to breakdown in front of a crowd of thousands who came to see their hero laid to rest. They don’t know the coffin they honor is an empty one, only there as a tribute to the fallen hero. I turn my gaze out the window, where I see Kara’s grave…the freshly soiled grass in front of it, the precisely carved headstone, the spot where my Kara was laid to rest. I begin sobbing more into Eliza’s shoulders. Eliza allows me to cry, knowing it helps to let it out. At some point Maggie comes over and soothes me as well. It’s all so overwhelming. Not just because of Kara’s death, but, she was right. Her friends, her family, all show care for me. The hold me, and say no words, because just there, that’s more than enough for me. I slowly fall asleep, feeling exhausted from another morning of crying.
Two weeks later.
“Lena, I think you’ve had enough,” the bartender urges. But he is wrong. What does he know? Does he know what I’ve been through? I tell him as much as I struggle through the words I want to say.
“No-no-no, Iv’nt eno ‘hic’ ugh.” And I lay a hundred-dollar bill on the counter. “I p-p-pay, you pour.” The bartender hesitated, but he ends up taking the bill and pouring me more scotch. I angrily take it and down it. I let the smooth liquid burn my throat and tongue, enjoying the feeling taking over my thoughts and emotions.
Anything is better than going to home to an empty apartment. Anything. It has been one month since your death Kara. A month without you. I spent years not knowing you, years being alone, years dedicating all my time to work and not even caring about personal relationships. Years of not knowing you and I was okay, and now, one month without you and I can barely function. Sure, L-Corp’s stock hasn’t taken a single dent, in fact it’s higher than it’s ever been. Sales are through the roof, no work is definitely not dysfunctional, no, what’s dysfunctional is me. I am crumbling under the weight of my thoughts and emotions. I can’t stop thinking of you, I can’t stop feeling. All I want is for it to stop.
I don’t want to forget you, or thinking of you Kara, you haunt my dreams. Every night I am terrified of what my mind will conjure up. Each time I wake up screaming, I think it can’t get worse. And yet when I fall back asleep, I dream something even more horrible than the last. I’ve dreamt of you dying, over and over and over, and each time you blame me, you tell me each time I could have saved you. You blame me for your death. And that’s what hurts, it doesn’t hurt because you blame me, it hurts because I can’t stop thinking that its true. There are so many ways I could have saved you, part of it is your fault, you never told me who you really were. But I am at fault too, I could have…I should have known. As I think back on it now, it was embarrassingly obvious. ‘I flew here on a bus’? Really Kara? I feel so stupid. Stupid because if I already knew, I could have taken measures to protect you. I could’ve helped you stop the bomb that kill you, stopped the bomb in a way that would have left you by my side now, instead of in a grave. It kills me now, to know I could have done more.
“An-an-another,” I demand. Again, the barkeep hesitantly complies, pouring yet another shot of scotch. I quickly bring it to my lips, but a cold hand stops me, yanking the shot glass from my hand. I turn harshly, angry at the hand who stole my drink. Alex and Maggie.
“The fuck is your problem,” I teeth, not stuttering a bit.
“Hey, watch it Luthor,” Maggie says.
“NO, fuck you, leave me alone.”
“Lena,” Alex begins, but I cut her off.
“No, as if you two actually care.” A hand slams loudly on the bar.
“Kara loved you, and because of that I care what happens to you,” Alex warns. I stare at her for a moment, seeing in her eyes that what she said was true. Kara was right again, her loved ones, they care for me. I’m now on the verge of tears but Maggie rushes forward.
“Woah, woah, not here Luthor,” she says, taking my hand, helping me up from the bar. She and Alex practically dragged me out. “Hold those tears back Luthor,” she said as Alex laid a fifty-dollar bill on the bar. “For your discretion.”
The bartender raised his hands, “Hey, she paid her tab, I’ve got no quarrel with her, but I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
Alex nods as she goes the help Maggie carry me out. We make it outside to Maggie’s car when she holds me against her cruiser.
“Okay Lena, okay, let it out.”
I lean over and hurl, all over Maggie’s jacket. She grunts.
“Damn it! Not like that!” She curses, ripping her jacket off. “You owe me a jacket Luthor, and it better be...”
I don’t process what she says next because I’m screaming. I’m thrashing about while Alex tries to hold me down.
“Lena, calm down.” Alex says, pushing me against the car. But I don’t listen, I try with all my might to break free and run. I don’t know where to, I just want to run. But a voice in my head calms me. ‘Lena,’ says the voice. Her sweet soothing voice, one I’d never forget, courses through my mind. ‘Lena, stop.’ Her voice is pleading, wishful. But I heed the voice’s warnings. I stop resisting. And I stop screaming and I start crying.
“Why did you leave me,” I cry out, calling to the voice in my head that bore Kara’s voice. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave me?” I cry out over and over. “Kara, I need you. I love you. Please come back.” I fall back against the car, slowly sliding down to the ground while Alex and Maggie kneel before me. There are tears in their eyes as well. They hold me for a few minutes, holding me until I am able to calm down. And by that time I’m tired,
“Can you take me home to Kara’s apartment,” I ask, wiping my tears away.
“No, you’re coming home with Little Luthor,” Maggie says sternly. I want to argue, but I know Maggie is right. I let her and Alex pick me up and help me into the car.
The car ride is silent. No one says a word, we barely hear each other breathe.
We arrive to Alex and Maggie’s apartment, and I’m barely hanging on to consciousness. Alex has my arms around the back of her neck, helping me stand as Maggie opens the door. I don’t even take time to observe their home, I’m too busy trying to stay awake. But when Alex helps me into a bed, I allow myself to begin to fall into sleep.
“Sleep well, Little Luthor,” Maggie speaks softly, clearing my hair from my face, laying Kara’s cape on my body. I’m not even sure how they got it, but it’s there. It still has Kara’s sweet scent, seemingly sewn into the lining. Alex kisses my temple and they both leave.
The door closes and I fall asleep trying to figure out how they brought Kara’s cape to me.
Five months later.
It’s been six months Kara. Six months since I lost you. And, it hasn’t been easy. After that first night Alex and Maggie brought me home from the bar, I…let’s just say the following morning was…illuminating.
I wake up, my head searing in pain. I groan as I shift out of bed, knowing full well I deserved this from the night before. I was reckless, idiotic, brainless…all the words that describe stupidity wouldn’t do justice for just how arrogant I was last night. I betray her. I betray Kara. By drowning myself in alcohol I betrayed the faith she had in me. If I thought I didn’t deserve her love before, I definitely know it now. I think back to her letter, and what she said to me. She says I’m worthy, but how can I be? I could I be worthy of the love of someone is so pure and kindhearted? How could someone like Kara love me? Someone who is so broken? That’s all I am now…broken.
A sudden surge of anger rushes over me. I turn and punch the headboard, my fist meeting the hard wood in pain.
“AGHHH,” I scream, holding my fist, trying to dim away the pain. A few seconds later the door of the room is kicked open, revealing Alex and Maggie, guns raised. They immediately lower them when they realize it is only me in the only.
“Fucking hell Lena,” Alex curses. I cower at her anger, but Alex immediately sits next to me on the bed. “Sorry,” she says, kissing my temple. Maggie take a place next to me as well, taking my injured hand, looking it over. She shakes her head and leaves to retrieve bandages.
I stare out the window as the sun rises over the city, embracing the warmth it radiates on my skin, cherishing whatever warmth I have left. Alex and I sit there for a few moments until Maggie comes back and begins wrapping my hand with gauze.
“Lena,” Alex asks softly, turning my head to face her own. “Honey, you need help.”
I’m taken aback at her bluntness. I’m about to raise my voice but she stops me.
“No, you just listen.”
I stand down. Knowing I should hear what Alex has too say.
“Kara told me that she loved you after she saved you from your mother, and you said that she, Kara, was your hero. You have no idea how much that meant to her, and she realized that night she loved you.”
My mind races at the realization…three months. Six months had passed between that day and the day she asked me out. Three months she knew she loved me. As it happens, I knew that night as well. But I had decided not to give in to my emotions, not wanting to ruin the single greatest friendship in my life.
“Lena, she loved you so much, it was kind of gross every now and then. She would gush on and on about how you looked or what you did on any given day. And she was terrified of asking you out. And honestly, I was relieved when she did. Maggie and I didn’t have to listen to her go on and on about you.”
I chuckle a bit.
“But Lena, I’m going to be very honest with you, it will destroy Kara to see you like this right now. I know part of this is her fault, for not telling you who she was, but that…”
She pauses, looking to Maggie, who nods her head, “That is my fault. I told her not to tell you who she really was. And it was because you were a Luthor.” Alex starts to tear up, “If…I hadn’t been so bigoted in my belief all Luthor’s were bad, I would have told her to tell you. And for that I’m sorry. I can see you are most definitely not your family. And you are a good person, I’m sorry for not seeing that.”
“Thank you,” those are the only words I can speak. Because in truth, I am ashamed of my actions the night before. I don’t know what else to say.
“But Lena,” Alex continues, “I mean it when I say you need help. Kara would kill me to let you go on like this. I let it pass for a couple of weeks because we were all grieving, and we all grieve in different ways, but I’m saying no more. You need to stop this destructive path you’ve set yourself on. You might not like me, and I don’t blame you for that, I can be…a difficult person to get to know.”
“Don’t I know it,” Maggie adds, a small snicker in her voice.
“Yes,” Alex continues, “So even if you don’t like me, trust Kara on this. She’d tell you the same thing. I know she is very fair and doesn’t judge people, but if she saw you like this, she’d definitely rip you a new one. And trust me, that is not a Kara you want to see.”
I try to conjure up the image on an angry Kara. I don’t recall a moment where I personally witnessed Kara angry, however I saw the footage of her red kryptonite incident, a video that did, in truth, shed some light on Lex’s fear of aliens. But I knew it wasn’t her. I know Kara would never hurt anyone the way she did in that incident willingly. But I still pondered what an angry Kara would act like.
“Hey Lena,” Maggie begins, I turn my head to her. “I don’t know Kara as well as Alex, but I do know love, and I too, know she loved you. And she loved Alex, so please listen to her, listen to us. You need to get your mind right here.”
I concede…their words speak true. I breathe in and out heavily a few times before speaking.
I did get help after that. I see a psychologist, David Russell. And his advice, his help, it helps lift weights on my shoulders I didn’t realize I was carrying. His guidance helped me get through Kara’s death. Though I still grieve, I have given up my destructive tendencies. I stopped drinking, and I stopped drowning myself in my work. I began to make time for Alex and Maggie. And soon all of Kara’s friends. Aside from Alex and Maggie, I’d say I’m closet to Winn. It is enjoyable to talk to him about tech, amongst other nerd things.
And it’s today I realize Kara, once again, was right. Her friends, they really are my friends. And today it’s fitting…It’s the day before Thanksgiving. I decide to spend Thanksgiving in Midvale, with Eliza, Alex, and Maggie. They consider me family, as I’m technically your fiancé. I haven’t taken that ring off since the day I put it on. While I’ve begun to move on from your death, it is still too soon to move on from your love.
And I’m telling you that right now. I’m standing in front of your grave, a bundle of plumerias freshly planted. I’ve spent the better part of the last week thinking of what to say to you in this moment.
“Hello darling. So, it’s been six months.” I sit down before continuing. “Doctor Russell has told me to not hold my tongue so I’m going to say a few things. Not that you can really interrupt me,” I pause for a few seconds, not knowing why I was waiting for a response.
“So, I was hurting. After you died I was hurt. I was hurt because you didn’t tell me who you are. I was hurt that you left me. But I was mostly hurt because you told me you loved me, and then you died. You didn’t even give me a chance to say it back. I know, you were off saving the city, and I love you for that, and I can’t change it. I just wish I could say it to you. In person, alive. I want to feel your hands in mine, my lips on yours, your breath tickling my face when I tell you I love you.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together, and have…” I pause, trying to think of a word to describe what I wanted, “I’m sorry we couldn’t have time, together. There was so much tension between us, even after we started dating, and I’m sorry I didn’t open myself up to you more. I know I wanted to love you, and I like to think that you wanted me too.”
I feel my face redden. “Sorry for bringing that up, Doctor Russell says I needed to confront these feelings before I can fully embrace your death. I just needed to tell you.”
I spend a few moments looking at Kara’s named, etched neatly into the headstone.
“I want you back so badly Kara. I know no matter how many times I say it, it won’t change anything. I just… I want to back.” I look away to the sun, setting slowly into the autumn sky, shining against the fire colored leaves that were falling around me. A sudden breeze hits up against my neck. I feel as if you’re here with me at this moment, talking to me through the wind as it whips against my skin. I spend a few more minutes sitting, staring at your headstone, actually proud of the progress I’ve made in the past months. I cry less now, I don’t have as many nightmares, and I’ve opened myself up to your friends Kara. You’d actually be proud. And somewhere, up with Rao, I know you are.
I continue that thought as a I head back inside, smiling at Eliza, Alex, and Maggie as I head upstairs. I step into your bedroom, a bedroom I’ve felt more at home in that I’ve ever felt. I lie in your bed, your cape wrapping me in its warmth. I’ve added pictures to your room, pictures of me and you, the few I have. I’ve added pictures of myself with your friends. The people I’ve come to call friends, friends I’d never thought I’d have. But everything changed when I met you.
And I fall asleep, thinking of the fact that everything changed…for the better, after I met you.
An earthquake, a rumble loud like a freight train echoes through the old house, but no one awakens. No one stirs in their sleep. No one wakes as a crack whips through the grave like broken glass. Dirt falls through the crack, giving way to a coffin. A coffin that breaks…the coffin breaks, and a hand shoots through, grasping to life. And she raises herself up from the grave, gasping for air. She lies cold on the ground, naked, the cool nighttime fall air whipping against her skin. She takes a moment to get her bearings, and she realizes she has her powers. She stands and then she rockets up into the night sky, her destination unknown.
I am awake early, as I usually am. The sun has barely risen, but the sky has lightened enough, giving way to bright pink light that compliments the autumnal colors of the trees and ground around it. I usually don’t care much for the seasons, but Fall is by far my favorite.
I head downstairs and brew myself coffee, a special fall blend that soothes my heart when its flavor graces my lips. It’s not but a moment when the coffee is ready and I pour myself a cup. I bring that steaming cup to my lips when I look out to the window, my eyes searching for your grave.
My eyes widen, I drop the mug, it shatters on the floor, the hot liquid spewing all over the kitchen as I rush outside. Your headstone is cracked in half, the ground is splayed, uneven from whatever has dug up the Earth that covered your resting place.
“What the hell,” I ask myself as I search around, searching for a sign as to who has disgraced your final resting place. I turn to a field of high grasses and I gasp. She’s standing there, in a field, the rising sun shining bright on her gold like hair, which falls neatly against an all white dress that hugs her beautiful body.
“It…can’t be,” I tell myself. You can’t be there, you aren’t there. I walk forward cautiously, my feet stepping silently as I moved forward. Kara seem frozen in place, only her hands move, pressing against the high grasses she’s standing in. I take to stand just a few feet away, frightened to speak. But somehow my heart takes over, and I speak.
“Kara,” I ask, my voice just above a whisper. She slowly turns, and as my eyes meet hers, my heart stops. Her eyes are as blue as ever, they stare deeply, longingly into my own. Her lips are a shade of dark red, a burnt burgundy color that compliments the color of the grass around her. And she’s smiling, wide. Her eyes gaze downwards, and her smiled widens even more.
“Is that a yes?” She speaks, her voice pure and sweet. But I ponder at the meaning of the question. But she points to my left hand, that hand that still adorns a diamond ring. “Is that a yes?”
She moves forward slowly, her hands out, reaching for my own. “Is that a yes,” she asks once more. And then her hands are in mine. And mine shiver at the touch. Her hands are cold, cold like a cool autumn morning. “Is that a yes?”
“Yes,” I finally answer, my eyes on the verge of tears.
“Lena,” the way my name rolls of her tongue is such a relief that I don’t even wait. I grasp the back of her neck with a vice like grip a pull her lips into mine. She squeals. A cute squeal one lets out when they are surprised. But I don’t let go, and neither does Kara. The feeling of her lips against mine is so beautiful that begin crying joyful tears as Kara deepens the kiss. Her hands travel down my back, stopping at my thighs as she moves to pick me up.
Now I’m the one that squeals. I had forgotten about super strength. And soon we are hovering a few feet from the ground as Kara kisses me senseless. This was her, she was here, with me, hovering in the air, kissing me. Kara is real…she’s back. Kara has come back. Our kiss ends as Kara returns us back to solid ground. She lays her hands on my cheeks as I wipe away the tears.
“Wow,” she exhales. “I’ve really missed that.”
“Kara,” I exclaim. “You’re,”
“Alive. I prayed to Rao that I could come back, I prayed to Rao that I could return to my life, to you, Alex, Mom, and Maggie, I prayed that I could just come home. And Rao…”
“I love you,” I say, cutting Kara off, I just couldn’t keep myself from blurting out those words. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love yo…”
“Marry me?” And my heart leaps out of my chest. She’d already asked and yet the moment she asks, I feel like a little girl. “Marry me Lena Luthor.”
I smile, taking her hand in mine and bringing it up for a kiss, flaunting the ring in her eyes. “I think’s it apparent I’ve already said yes.”
She laughs, oh how I’ve missed her laugh. She kisses me again. Over, and over and over.
“I’ve missed you so much,” we say together.
Then Kara looks down, tears beginning to form in her eyes. “Lena, I’m sorry for no…”
“Hush,” I say, pressing a finger to her lips. “I forgive you Kara. I forgive you for everything, I love you, and nothing have done or ever do will change that.”
“But I lied to you.”
“Yes, yes you did. But your letter shed quite a bit of light and I forgive for everything. So shut up and kiss me ag…”
“KARA ZOR-EL!” A shriek arises from the house. Our heads snap to the source and see a fuming Alex Danvers rushing up to us. “YOU! YOU STUPID DEFIANT, HEARTBREAKING, SELFSACRICING KRYTONIAN OAF!!!” She’s screaming when she meets Kara face to face. “I TOLD YOU TO FLY AWAY FROM THAT STUPID BOMB.” She pushes Kara, “BUT NO! YOU HAD TO GO AND BE THE HERO!” She pushes Kara again. Kara’s face shows no emotion and Alex’s rage is let out in the open. “YOU HAD TO GO AND GET YOURSELF KILLED.” Maggie and Eliza are now approaching from behind, slowly. They know to stay out of this until Alex is done yelling. “YOU HAD TO GET YOURSELF KILLED, LEAVING US HEARTBROKEN! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?”
Kara smiles, and hugs her sister tight. And Alex breaks, tears sprouting from her eyes. “Oh Rao, I missed you so much.” And Kara tightens the hug, placing kisses all over her sister’s face. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh, I love you sis.”
“I love you too.”
They break apart, allowing Alex to wipe her tears away as Kara bolts for her mom. They don’t exchange words, they only cry in each other’s arms. Maggie joins them too.
“Welcome back Little Danvers,” Maggie says quietly. “We sure have missed you.” Kara then waves at Alex and myself to join the hug. She brings us in, tugging me forward to be next to her.
“I love you all.”
We all stand there for minutes, allowing ourselves to revel in the fact that Kara Zor-El is alive.
We all soon make way for the house, everyone sitting in the living room. Kara sits on the couch and motions me to come over. I sit on her lap and she wraps her arms around me. I embrace the comfort it gives, like a blanket giving warmth in cold winter’s air.
I start crying again as I look into her eyes, “God, I just…you’re back.” I kiss her, and she kisses me softly.
“Blech,” an amused grunt is let out. Maggie, but she is beaming.
“God…now we have to watch you guys be in love all over again,” Alex teases.
I look back to Kara, who is wearing a sheepish smile.
“Get used to it Sanvers…I’m here to stay this time.”
“Damn straight you are,” I begin, Kara looks at me with curiosity. I laugh, “Because if you die again Kara, I’ll find a way to bring you back and kill you myself.”
Kara smiles and kisses me. “Darn, I guess I better not die then huh?”
I want to be mad at the comment, Kara shouldn’t be joking on such on a matter that brought everyone present in the room such pain. But I can’t bring myself to care at the moment.
Everything I wanted was in my reach. I am lying in my fiancé’s arms, happy, with friends with care about by my side.
There are too many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, Kara coming back to my arms tops the list…but I’d say I’m just thankful that I have a second chance, and this time I’ll do it right. Because I am not going to be alone…ever again.