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boys don't like boys

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dear diary,

mommy bought me this book today, she told me it's for writing diary entries.

at first i thought it was stupid. writing in a diary is girly, right?

but then my mommy told me that it's better if i start writing about my days, so i can look back at them and remember all the things i did as a kid.

...i mean, she has a point.

i don't know if i'm going to write every day. maybe if i remember to do so.

anyways. it's sunday today, 31st of august. tomorrow i'm going back to school. i'm starting 6th grade! i'm really excited yet nervous at the same time. most of my friends moved schools, and i basically have only two friends now.

diary, i'm so nervous.

oh, mommy just called me for dinner.

i'll talk to you tomorrow.



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dear diary,

today was the first day of school. it was as scary as i thought it will be.

my only friends were adam and max, but they also had other friends so i was alone most of my day.

my teachers are okay, i really like my history and art teacher. i love history, it's so cool. i'm not interested in art much, but the teacher is really nice and cool.

there was this boy who sat next to me during social studies. he had brown hair that was curly, he was shorter than me and was wearing a pokemon shirt. he was really kind, when i told him i didn't understand something he just smiled and explained to me patiently.

he also told me that his name was steven. he had green eyes that looked bright emerald fields, they were beautiful. he also giggled at one point, his giggle was cute, like my sister's.

diary, i want to see him again. i want to be his friend.

when my mommy asked me if i met someone knew, i told her about steven. i described to her his eyes and she was surprised by my words. maybe it's because i don't usually talk about people like that.

i'm going to go now, i have to do my homework.

i'll talk to you tomorrow, diary.



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dear diary,

i saw him again today.

he was in my p.e. class. he was talking to this other boy, who had short brown hair and a purple shirt. that boy was also talking to max earlier, so i guess he knows him as well.

oh! i also met someone today in art!

he had long wavy brown hair and was wearing a purple skirt. he told me his name is johanna, but he wants to be called john because he's feels a boy, not a girl. i just said 'okay! i like your shirt!'.

i tried to talk to steven, but i didn't get the chance. we only exchanged looks with each other and smiled, and that was alright for me.

his smile is warm and nice. i like it.

i want to see him smile again.

i also saw john talking to someone with these cool blue glasses during art. he had blond hair and from what i could tell, he was pretty tall. he was loud and told funny jokes. now that i think about it, i think i saw him in my health class. i want to be his friend too.

good night, diary.



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dear diary,

today i missed first period because i had to go to the doctor. mommy said they needed to take blood from me to test it if i was healthy or not.

i was so scared, diary. the needles looked so terrifying. it went by fast, thankfully. i didn't want to be there for long.

apparently, i missed music, which made me sad. i really like music.

oh and during english, i had to get up to write something on the board. i was so anxious to do so. my breath was short and quick, and my heart was beating fast. i'm pretty sure i was hyperventilating. (or however you spell that. it's a difficult word, okay?)

my answer was correct, and i was so relieved. i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. when i sat down my hands were really shakey and my heart hadn't calmed down.

the boy beside me touched my shoulder and asked me if i was okay. i said no.

he told me to take deep breaths and try to calm down, which really helped. after a few minutes, i had calmed down finally.

i thanked him and learned his name was anthony, like mine! that was cool. he had dark skin and a bright smile. he was wearing a green shirt and had a bracelet with a weird symbol on it.

anthony then asked me if i had someone to sit with at lunch. i said no, and he told me if i wanted to sit with him and his friend. i accepted the offer happily, getting really excited about lunch.

on the subject before lunch, i was on the edge of my seat, waiting for the bell to ring.

when i met up with anthony in lunch, there two other people sitting with him. one i recognized, it was the guy from art with the blue lens glasses, but this time they were yellow. the other one was a girl with long black hair and glasses.

both of them were nice and kind. i learned that the boy's name was tom and the girl's name was myla. i also found out that myla is in my music class as well!

we talked and joked around during lunch, laughing at tom's jokes. i learned that he was a year older than us but was moved back a grade because of health problems. i also learned that he knew john as well.

i had lots of fun, diary. they're fun people.

i met with adam after school, we played on his playstation that his parents got him for his birthday. he also told me that the reason why he wasn't with me all the time was that an old friend of his had just moved to the school, and he wanted to catch up with him and not leave him all alone. (which is kinda what he did to me, but i didn't say that) i said it was okay, i understood.

mommy just called me to go grocery shopping with her. i need to go now, diary.

also, i need to stop calling my mom 'mommy'. i'm twelve years old.

talk to you tomorrow.



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dear diary,

so during art today our teacher said we had to work in groups, so john, tom, and i decided to be a group.

when i asked if i could be with tom and john the teacher had a confused look and asked me who is john. i pointed to john and the teacher said, ''oh, you mean johanna.''.

i saw john tense up at the name but didn't say anything. i wanted to ask him why she called him 'johanna', but the teacher said to start working so didn't get a chance.

we didn't speak of it for the rest of the lesson.

i got to talk to steven again today, which was really exciting. i've never been so excited and happy to talk to someone before. it's kinda weird.

but i like it.

we talked and helped each other, which was fun. at the end of the lesson, i asked him if he had someone to sit with during lunch. he said that he did, but he could ditch the person to sit with me if i wanted.

i was so happy. would he really do that? diary, he did.

as i was walking to the table where anthony had taken me to yesterday, i heard steven's voice call my name. a smile made its way to my lips when i saw him, speed-walking towards me and holding his tray. he had a big smile on his face, his green eyes shining more than usual.

i led him to the table, and he sat next to me. (i got a weird feeling in my stomach right then. i don't know how to describe it, but that's not important.) i introduced him to the rest of the guys, which were tom, anthony, john, myla, and another girl i didn't recognize. i later learned that her name was marissa.

lunch time was really fun. steven seemed to like them all, and they did too. i didn't want for the period to end. but sadly, it had.

i had history with adam last period, which was nice. we sat in the back, playing uno. he won, he always does. he's cheating, i swear.

dad wasn't home when i came back today. mom told me he was still at work, and that he'll come soon. when he did, he was holding a big box.

it was a dog!

we named her april, like the month. she's really energetic and licks my face a lot. i don't mind, really. i love her lots.

i'm going to go play with april now. talk to you later, diary.



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dear diary,

i'm sorry i didn't write yesterday, not much happened anyways. school was boring as always, i didn't pay a lot of attention. i was kinda daydreaming all day.

i got to talk to steven again, i learned that he liked to play video games, just like i do! he asked me if i wanted to come to his house sometime so we can play the new game his parents got for him.

we're going to play tomorrow. i'm so excited, diary!

today is saturday, so i got to sleep in. my sister gracie decided to be a great idea to wake me up by jumping on my bed while yelling 'wake up anthony!'. she also stepped on my leg, which wasn't fun.

it's okay, though.

oh, also i forgot to tell you that yesterday i met someone new! i was playing soccer in the yard with phineas and gabriel (my brothers, if you don't know), and i kicked the ball too hard and it went over the fence.

i was told to go get it, so i went and rang the bell of the house next door (i was a little nervous, not gonna lie). a short girl with blond hair opened the door slowly, her face peeked ever so slightly so she can see. she seemed shy, and it didn't help that i was too.

''h-hi! my name is anthony, and i live next door.'' i said hesitantly, and extended my hand for her to shake. she shook my hand and said that her name was jessica. i explained what happened and asked her politely if i could get my ball back.

she was really kind and brought my football ball back with a smile. i thanked her and gave her a short hug. she's nice.

oh, i just remembered that our teacher in french made us write a short essay, so i need to work on it, ugh.

i'm going to talk to you tomorrow, diary.



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dear diary,

today was amazing, diary.

i hung out with steven all day and it was the most fun i've had in a long time. i laughed so much my stomach actually hurts.

his eyes were sparkling with happiness, and he had a wide smile on his face from the moment he saw me until i left his house. his laugh was loud and whole-hearted, and he seemed so... happy.

i loved that sight. i want to make him laugh again, so i can hear that beautiful sound.


diary, i feel... weird.

when i hugged steven goodbye, i felt something weird and tingly. it felt like it was in my stomach, like butterflies or something.

i don't know, diary.

i've kn

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diary, something horrible happened.

john came to my house crying. he said that he decided to tell his parents that he felt like a boy. not a girl that everyone thought he was.

it didn't go well.

**he said that his parents started yelling at him that he was a girl, that his name was johanna, and that he was born with a female body so he's a girl no matter what.

they even hit him!**

diary, do you believe this? parents shouldn't treat their children like this for wanting to be who they are.

john was sobbing in my arms as i took him in my room, my mom watching us with a worried and confused look. i told her i would explain later.

he cried in my arms for a few minutes before explaining to me what happened. he asked if he could stay here for the night. my mom said okay, but i had to explain what happened.

john said to me to not tell her the full story, so i didn't. i told her his parents were fighting. she believed me, thank god.

i feel so bad, diary. he doesn't deserve this at all.

he's a fucking boy. he's in a female body? who the fuck cares.

i'm sorry that i'm cursing, diary. i'm just really angry.

john is sleeping right now, he fell asleep a long time ago. i want to sleep, but there's too much happening in my mind right now.

i'll try and get some sleep.

goodnight diary.



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dear diary,

today nothing much happened. steven wasn't in school today, so i was alone during science. i wasn't paying attention, i was drawing on my notebook the whole lesson.

but here's the thing, diary.

i found myself doodling the letter 's'. 's'... for steven?

before i could do anything else, the bell rang, so i gathered my books and went to my next class, which was geography.

anthony was the only one in that class, so i sat next to him. we chatted a lot until our teacher told us to be quiet. i decided to draw on my notebook again.

guess what i found myself doodling? the letter 's' again. this time, with small hearts around it.

''what are you drawing?''


before i could say or do anything (again), anthony leaned over and saw the doodle. he smirked and asked, '''s', huh? 's' for steven? does someone have a crush?''

at this point, i was red as a tomato. ''w-what are you talking about?''

i tried to play it off, but i'm too awkward for that.
anthony laughed and shook his head. after a minute, he asked

''in all seriousness, do you like steven?''

i didn't respond for a while.

''i... i don't know.'' i was being truthful, for once.

this has been bothering me all day.

do i really like him? do i?

...fuck. maybe i do.



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dear diary,

i'm sorry i haven't written for three days, i've been busy and uh... i'm might've been too lazy to write. sorry, heh.

today is the first day of october! that means that the halloween party is close. it's like prom, but spookier. i've only been to one, last year with adam, max, and some other friends. it was quite fun.

i saw jess again today! she was outside her house playing with a dark brown dog and another girl was with her. as i got closer i realized that the girl was marissa! i said hi to her and jess when i passed by them and they waved back.

speaking of which, i haven't seen jess at my school at all. does she not go to that school? or do i just not see her? i mean, our school is pretty small, so there's a tiny chance that i have not noticed her. maybe she's homeschooled.

over the past couple of days, i have gotten closer and closer to steven. we have learned so many things about each other. i learned that he has a younger sister named scarlett and that he's half scottish, which is really cool. he also plays hockey!

also him and the other guys, john, anthony, and tom, have been getting closer as well, and the five of us hang out every day at school. john suggested that we should have a name, but none of us have found one yet.

speaking of which, i noticed that john and tom have been really close. closer than others, i mean. every time during lunch they're sitting next to each other and during the classes that they have together they sit together too.

do i sense something? yes, i do diary.

i have to go now, i'm going over to tom's so me, him, and john can work on our art project.



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dear diary,

today is saturday. well, right now it's five minutes past twelve, so it's technically sunday, but whatever.

i had so much fun today, diary.

i met up with some old friends and we hung out, it was awesome. we played laser tag and ate at our favorite restaurant. then we decided to hang out in adam's house and play video games.

it got... wild, let's say.

we played smash bros and it was me, adam, max, nick, and scott vs michelle, kristin, aaron, ryan, and renee. i died a lot. but needless to say, our team won.

someone suggested that we should ride our bikes for some reason, but no one really argued against it. i laughed so hard i almost fell off my bike. twice. we didn't have enough bikes so there were two people on the same bike, michelle with kristin and adam with max. it was cute. kristin had her arms around michelle and was clutching to her and adam was giggling at everything max said.

i also crashed with nick and got a big cut on my knee. it's okay though, it didn't hurt that much.

it was the most fun i've ever had in a while. i wish they still went to my school. it was so fun with them.

but if they didn't leave i... i wouldn't have met john, anthony, tom... i wouldn't have met steven.

i wonder what my life would be if i hadn't met steven. would i be happier? probably not.

i just heard footsteps outside my room. i should probably go to sleep before my parents find out that i'm still awake.




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dear diary,


today during dinner gabriel said that he had an announcement to make.

dad immediately asked if he finally got a girlfriend. i saw gabriel tense up. he said no.

he took a deep breath, and said loudly, ''i'm gay.''

there was a minute of silence, before my dad sputtered out, ''g-gay?''

and then hell broke loose.

dad was shouting and cursing at gabriel, mom was crying and asking herself what did they do wrong, phineas was covering gracie's ears, and i was just standing there observing it all.

''boys don't like boys!'' dad shouted. i felt everything slow down around me.

... boys don't like boys? what? why?

how can boys like girls, but boys can't like boys?

i don't get it. if i wanna like a boy, it's wrong? but i wanna like a girl, it's okay? that doesn't make sense.

i should be able to like who i want. it's not fair.

i was snapped out of my thoughts when i heard the sound of a hand making contact with a cheek. my dad had slapped gabriel. he had tears streaming down his face, he seemed so fragile, so weak.

gabriel got up and banged his fist on the table, saying, ''i'll love who i want!'', before running out of the house. i hesitated for a bit, but bravery erupted in me like a fire i ran after him.

he was fast, but i caught up to him, grabbing him by his arm and turning him around. he was still crying and tried to get out of my grasp, but when he saw that it was me, he immediately fell into my arms.

he sobbed into my shoulder and i patted his back, repeating 'it's okay, i'm here now''. after a while he stopped sobbing and tried to catch his breath, while i kept patting his back.

gabriel is a tough guy. seeing this side of him, the emotional, broken side of him, breaks my heart.

i still remember what we said afterwards.

''shh, it's okay. it's okay, gabe.''

''no, it's not fucking okay, they disown me! they think i'm a disgrace, ubnormal.''

''gabe, they don't matter, okay? you're so fucking strong. i know you are. look at me.''

i pulled away and grabbed his face with my hands. ''you deserve better. you deserve to be happy. so what if they think so? it shouldn't matter to you what they think, but what you think.''

that seemed to calm him down.

we started to head back, and clear some things up. the moment we stepped a foot in the house, dad's voice boomed through the house: ''gabriel? anthony? get the fuck back in here!''

we went to the kitchen, where my family was, a mess still. dad still had an angry look on his face, mom seemed disgusted and had tear stains on her cheeks, phineas looked concerned, and gracie was confused about what was going on.

''dad, i-''

''i want you to get out.''


''get out of my fuckinghouse, and don't come back.''

i was so shocked. how could he do that?!

gabriel on the other hand was angry. furious. before i could do or say anything, he rushed upstairs. after some minutes he came back with a suitcase and a backpack.

he hugged phineas and gracie, kissing them on their heads. then he came to me and hugged me tightly. he looked at me in the eyes and said, ''i'll always remember what you said. don't forget it yourself.'' and kissed me on my forehead. he looked at my parents and said, ''fuck you both. especially you.'' he pointed to dad.

and then he left.

it was silent. no one dared to talk. there wasn't anything to say. i just went back to my room.

i don't know if i can sleep tonight. too many things happened today.



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dear diary,

today is monday. i hate mondays. i wasn't feeling as happy as i do either. everything that happened yesterday made me feel.... sad? mad? upset? i don't know how to describe it. i wasn't feeling good, that's for sure.

that was until music class rolled around.

i have music with almost everyone i know, expect for adam and max, unfortunately. but as soon as i stepped in music, i knew that i was going to leave with a big smile on my face.

tom and anthony were throwing paper balls at each other, john was shouting at them to stop, only to get hit by a paper ball. steven was laughing loudly at them (he looked adorable, by the way.), marissa, myla, and another girl were singing a familiar song, a boy sitting next to them was yelling at them to shut up, and two other boys in the corner were talking quietly. some students weren't present because they had rehearsal for a play that was going up soon.

so yeah, there was a lot going on.

i took a seat next to steven (who hugged me when he noticed that i sat next to him) and watched tom and anthony as i waited for the teacher to come.

''hey,'' i said to steven. ''who are those boys over there?''

''oh, them?'' he said and pointed to the two boys in the corner. i nodded. ''it's my friend shawn and his friend bryce. they're very close. they always sit together during music.''

hm, interesting.

suddenly i started hearing yelling from the others next to me.






suddenly the teacher came in, and everyone stopped what they were doing immediately, which was a bit funny i must say. tom was in the middle of throwing a paper ball at anthony, john was trying not to laugh, and everyone was frozen in place.

john couldn't hold it anymore and started laughing loudly, which made the teacher start laughing as well. everyone was a laughing mess at the end.

it was a good day.



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dear diary,

next friday is the halloween party.

from what i heard, tom is planning to ask john and anthony is going to go with a friend of his but as 'friends'.

yeah, suuure. 'friends'.

i don't know if i wanna go, to be honest. if i do, i'll have no one to go with.

unless... should i ask steven?

i mean, i would like to, but i don't know if he'd want to. what if he rejects me? what if he humiliates me in front of the whole school?

but he wouldn't do that, right? he's not that type of person. i don't think so, at least.

but what if he has been pretending this whole time?


let's not think about that.

on a happier note, it's jess' birthday today! she had a small birthday party, and i was invited. there were people i knew at the party, like marissa, jen, and john, so i wasn't alone. i had lots of fun! jess is really sweet and funny, she's also a year younger than me which i didn't know.

jess and her mom had made these cupcakes that had our first letters of our name on them, which was so cool! they also tasted really good. the birthday cake was rainbow in the inside! it tasted fruity and sweet, they're both really good bakers.

we played lots of games, like hide and seek, cops and robbers (which... is basically hide and seek but i didn't complain), jenga, and capture the flag!

today was really fun. i wish i could go back and experience it again.

tomorrow i don't have school because the 8th grade is going on a field trip and some of my teachers won't in the school. i'll sleep as much as i want!

also! on friday we're having a sleepover over steven's (and by we, i mean me, john, anthony, and tom) because on saturday we're going to the music festival with some of our other friends. i'm really really excited, we've been planning this for weeks, and we finally got the yes from our parents.

the music festival is something that you don't wanna miss in our town, it happens only for one day every year. a lot of artists perform, and it takes place in an amusement park, so it's double the fun! once i was on the ferris wheel and watched green day perform. it was awesome.

i'm gonna go now, diary. april is scratching on my door. i think she wants to play.

see you later!



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dear diary,

it is currently 2 am as i'm writing this. i think so, at least.

everybody else is sleeping. i want to sleep, but then i remembered that i forgot to write an entry. whoops.

nothing interesting happened during school today, which was a bit disappointing. time went by really slow because i couldn't wait for the sleepover to start.

after school finally finished, i went back home to eat and pack my bag. i put the essentials, like my pjs, a blanket, toothbrush etc etc, i also put some of my favorite games that we can play.

when i got to steven's house, it was late afternoon. i went up to his door and as i was about to knock, i heard from inside some yells.




... i knocked anyway.


i was greeted by a smiling steven, who was holding his controller. he hugged me and directed me to his bedroom. his bedroom is not that big, but big enough to hold us five without being squished.

when we got in, i saw anthony playing halo with john while tom was yelling at him, trying to get him to lose, and he succeeded, making anthony mad and tackling him. john shouted at them to stop, but it did nothing.

they stopped at one point and realized that steven and i were staring at them the whole time. they smiled foolishly and greeted me.

the rest of the night was pretty much all of us playing games, eating, and fooling around. we told a lot of jokes, bad puns (john told most of them and it resulted getting a pillow to his face), and sang songs. we sounded terrible, but who cares.

around 12 we decided to see a movie, and we spent a long time deciding which one to see. at the end, we settled on ghostbusters, a favorite.

after the movie finished, john and steven were asleep, and tom was falling asleep. we closed the tv and lied down.

and... here we are.

i'm really excited about tomorrow, it's going to be so amazing. the music festival is something you shouldn't miss, it's something special. it starts around nine but we're gonna go at eleven-ish.

i'm gonna go sleep now.

goodnight, diary.



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dear diary,

i don't know if this is the best place to do this or the best time, but i'll try and write this entry because i don't think i will have much time afterwards and i don't wanna forget anything.

i'm currently in the bathroom of this restaurant that we're eating at, taking a break from the carnival and sitting down and relaxing. i'm really excited to eat at this restaurant, everyone always says how good it is and how its food is amazing.

so far we have gone on six rides, and all of them had long lines but it was worth it because they were super fun. we also played some carnival games, that we all sucked at, and only tom won a prize, a dog plushie, which he gave to john. we also saw a few bands perform, which was pretty awesome.

oh, i forgot to tell the people that i'm with! our main group is me, steven, anthony, john, and tom. tom and anthony actually brought their friend steven, who told us to call him aphex since is his nickname. also, steven (not aphex) brought shawn and bryce, who left us at one point to go somewhere on their own but they met up with us at the restaurant. myla and marissa joined us as well, and jess was there too! i guess marissa invited her, which was nice. she got along with the others, they seem to like her too.

also, we went on the 'love tunnel'. you know, the water ride that all the couples go on, that has hearts all over the place and play cheesy romantic music. we only went on that because the other rides had very long lines and none of us wanted to wait.

it was pretty fun though. the seats were two passengers each, so we all split into pairs of two. tom and john, anthony and aphex, marissa and jess, myla was with another person that she eventually became friends with, and then me and steven.

i thought it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but it was quite the opposite, actually. it was nice and calming, the dark red lights were making a nice atmosphere, and the only things you could hear were the quiet music with the sound of the water hitting the boat. well, you could also hear our group talking loudly, but that didn't bother me. i wasn't paying attention to them anyways.

what i was paying attention to, however, was steven and how beautiful he looked under the red lights, how calm yet excited he looked, and how his eyes were observing everything that was happening. i didn't realize that i was staring at him until he looked at me. i got a warm feeling when he did, and i felt as if i wanted to say something, but i didn't know what. i felt as if nobody was around us, just me and him.

i wanted to stay in that moment forever.

i started noticing that he was moving closer to me, his eyes flickering between my eyes and my lips. his lips looked so soft and heavenly.

and then the tunnel ended, and the sunlight blinded us, making us move away from each other and use our hands to protect our eyes.

when we got off and started heading to the restaurants nearby to grab something to eat, i could feel steven staring at me from time to time. i knew he was thinking and feeling what i was too.

i guess we'll have to discuss that later or at one point. not now though.

when we finish eating we're going on the ferris wheel and i'm very excited! i haven't been on the ferris wheel since last year and i love being on one. i don't know who is performing at that point, but i'm very excited nonetheless!

i should go. the others must be curious why i'm here for so long. i'll talk to you later, diary.



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dear diary,

today was full of surprises. good surprises.

we had a half-day today because the teachers were having a meeting during the last hours of school. that was pretty cool.

i didn't see steven for the first period, but he finally came during social studies and sat next to me without saying a word. when the bell rang he explained to me that he went to the dentist and most of his mouth is numb, which is why he didn't talk. it was pretty funny watching trying to talk, to be honest.

after social studies, i had history with adam, aphex, marissa, and shawn. i sat with aphex this time since adam seemed to be sitting with another friend of his who i had seen only once.

they kept throwing paper balls at us and so we threw some back trying not to get noticed by the teacher, only to fail and get yelled at. i didn't really care though.

then, i had art. and that's when another surprise happened.

john had cut his hair.

he had the biggest smile on his face and he looked so happy, i was freaking so happy for him! it was very short, and it suited him very well. it made him look like a whole different person, i didn't even recognize him at first!

apparently he had cut it the previous night, with the help of marissa. when his parents came to pick him up from marissa's house he was wearing my beanie and hoodie so they couldn't notice it. when they did though, they were shocked. john said that they yelled at him a bit for not telling them or asking their permission, but he was sure they were going to say no if i did.

''they weren't as mad as i thought they would be, which is relieving. but you don't know what the best part of this is,'' he said, coming closer to us, an excited look on his face. ''when my mom saw me this morning, she said to me 'aw, look at my handsome son'. she called me son.'' he whispered the last part, tearing up. ''that was the first time she ever called me anything masculine. i was so happy.''

we had fun during that period, goofing around and drawing anything that came to our minds. the bell soon rang, and we all ran out of the classroom. i walked with john and tom to the gates, where i saw steven and anthony standing there talking.

we met up with them and talked for a bit before going our own ways.

''hey um, john, can i tell you something?''

we all turned around and saw tom standing there nervously, looking at his feet, his face seemed flushed.


''do you um,'' tom said, taking a deep breath. ''wanna go to the halloween party with me? as my date?''

john's eyes went wide and he put his hand over his mouth, shocked. ''tom, i...''

''i understand if you don't want to, i am not-''

''no! i want to!'' john exclaimed. ''i'd-i'd love to go with you,'' he said.

tom seemed surprised. ''really? are you- are you sure?''

john smiled and nodded. ''yeah.''

tom grinned wide and hugged john tightly, who hugged back the same way. we aw'd and clapped, cheering them and making them blush more.

''i didn't know you were actually going to do it.'' anthony said and laughed.

''me neither.'' tom chuckled.

we all laughed and started walking home, steven and anthony the same way, and me, john, and tom the same way. i separated from them after a bit, and they went the same way to go to their homes.

also, don't tell anyone diary, but i saw them hold hands. it was adorable.

today was a good day.



Chapter Text

dear diary,

so, something happened today.

i'm just... gonna get straight to what happened.

so yesterday when i went to school i didn't see steven at all, which was very strange. i didn't have any lessons with him but when that usually happens, i see him during the breaks. but i didn't see him at all.

i thought that he maybe wasn't in school but i asked the other guys and they said that they had lessons with him. why didn't he talk to me at all then? i was kinda hurt but then again, he might've had a reason.

i decided to not think too much about it and ignore it. i continued on with my day, which wasn't as interesting and it was because of steven. wow, i didn't realize how much he affected my days until now.

ever since tom asked john out as his date to the halloween party, i've been thinking a lot about what i'm gonna do. i mean, i could go without a date and just go with my friends, but...

i decided i'm gonna ask steven to be my date. but you see the thing is, i didn't see steven at all today. what if someone else asks him as their date? what if he doesn't even want to go?

no. bad thoughts aren't going to get me anywhere. i should think positively. i'm going to ask steven as soon as i see him. no exceptions.

during english literature, we were asked to write about a person or people that make us happy. i wrote about all my friends, all the people that make me smile the most. steven, anthony, john, tom, jess, aphex, adam, max, michelle. i wrote about steven a little bit more.

just a tinie wittle bit more.

when the bell rang i walked out the school with anthony by my side, talking about what we wrote.

''anthony! anthony!'' i heard my name being called behind me, i turned around and i saw steven running towards me.

''steven!'' i exclaimed. ''where have you been man? i didn't see you at all today.'' i frowned.

''yeah, about that... i'm sorry. i really didn't mean to do that.'' he said, fiddling with his fingers.

''it's okay.''

we stayed in silence for a bit, before he spoke again.

''hey, can i ask you something?''

i chuckled. ''funny, i was going to ask you that just now.''

''both at the same time?'' he said. i nodded.

''1... 2... 3..''

''do you want to go to the dance with me?'' ''would you like to be my date at the dance?''

i was shocked. i could tell he was shocked too. we stayed in silence, just staring at each other, blushing furiously. neither of us expected what had just happened.

''so,'' i said. ''i guess that's a yes? since we both asked the same thing?''

''ye-yeah.'' he stuttered out. he was red as a tomato and he looked so god damn adorable.

i grinned widely and he did the same. i felt happiness and excitement and adrenaline and every feeling possible. my heart felt warm and my hands were sweating and my knees felt like they were going to give out. and all i did was ask my crush out as my date to a dance.


''i guess, i'll see you on friday? i'll come pick you up?'' i suggested.

''sure.'' he smiled cutely.

''is eight fine? oh! and don't forget the matching outfits!''

''eight is fine.'' he said. ''i will call you so we can decide on our outfits.''

i grinned again. ''fantastic! i'll talk-'' i was interrupted by steven kissing me on the cheek, unexpectedly. i stood there shocked, the feelings i felt before? they came rushing back. my heart was racing miles and my face was flushed red.

''i-i'' i stuttered out, my mouth couldn't form any words.

''i'll talk to you later anthony.'' steven said, smiling. he started walking to the direction of his house, leaving me still in my position. i finally snapped out and started walking home with a grin so wide i thought my face would rip.

i'm so happy, diary. i don't think i've ever felt such happiness in my life. i want that feeling to exist forever.

goodnight, diary.



Chapter Text

dear diary,

the moment that i'm writing this i'm in steven's mom's car, coming back from the dance. and man, did a lot of things happen.

i'll take it from the start.

i went to pick up steven at 8 pm sharp, nervous but very excited. we ran out of ideas and decided to dress up as mario and luigi, me being mario and him being luigi, despite our height differences.

he was bouncing with excitement when he opened the door and hugged me tightly when he saw me. after he pulled away and he told me to wait so he could go and say goodbye to his mom. i waited patiently, looking around me. nothing has changed much since the last time i came here.

once he finally came back we left, both very excited. we were going to meet anthony, tom, and john outside of school, and then spend the rest of the evening/night together. unless some wander off(aka, tom and john).

when we made it to our school, we saw some people outside and you could hear the loud music from inside and lots of laughter and yelling. there were four people sitting on the sidewalk outside of school, talking and to each other and laughing. we quickly realized that it was john, tom, anthony, and aphex.

''but i told you, you guys look stupid!''

''no we don't, shut up galm!''

''hey guys!'' i exclaimed, once we got close to them. they looked up at us and smiled, saying hello back. we talked for a little bit, commenting on each other's costumes. tom was dressed up as captain america, he even had the shield! he looked really cool. john was iron man, matching with tom. anthony, who john called 'galm' and he also requested to call him that, was woody from toy story (he also spoke in a southern accent, for the giggles). and last but not least, aphex was buzz lightyear from toy story as well. in a way, he and galm were matching as well.

after talking, we went inside the school. everyone was in the dance hall and there was music blasting from the speakers placed in each corner of the room. we immediately went to the buffet and got some fruit punch in our cups. after they got the drink in their cup, tom and john wandered off somewhere and galm with aphex went to talk to some of their friends, leaving me with steven.

steven nudged me and said, ''wanna go dance?''

i nodded and we walked to the dance floor. i was a bit shy at first, but after a couple of songs i felt comfortable to dance, and i had lots of fun. steven kept giggling and chuckling at my horrible dancing, but i told him that sucked just as much. he would slap my arm jokingly and keep dancing.

after a few songs, we went to the fruit punch table to rehydrate ourselves, and take a break. suddenly a slow song came on and everyone got into pairs. i looked at steven and wondered if i should do it or not. after arguing with myself in my mind i put my cup down and i turned to him.

''would you like to share this dance with me?'' i said, extending my hand to him. he looked at my hand, and then at me. he smiled and took my hand, nodding. i noticed that his cheeks were a bit pink.

we walked to the dance floor, where everyone was dancing with someone else. i put my hand on steven's waist, his hand on my shoulder, and we intertwined our hands, holding them up high. we started swaying to the rhythm of the music, slow and nice.

we were in silence, but it felt comfortable. it felt like it was just me and him, with no worry in the world. i was just staring at him, noticing the small details about him. how his nose was slightly red on the tip. how he had freckles on the bridge of his nose and under his eyes. how the curly strands of hair framed his face. how his soft green eyes looked like a warm brown under the rose pink lights.

i have never been in love before, but if this is what love feels like, i am enjoying every second of it.

steven noticed that i have been staring at him for a long time and blushed. ''what are you looking at?'' he asked.

i smiled. ''just how beautiful you are.'' i replied. ''and how i am to have you in my life. and how adorable you are.'' i smirked and blushed a bit.

steven was shocked, his face burning. he shook his head and looked away, trying to change the subject.

''s-so um, since tomorrow is actually halloween, would you like to join me, tom, john, and anthony and go trick or treating?''

steven asked, nervously. ''i-i mean, you don't have to, maybe you're going with other friends of yours-'' he started rambling and i shushed him by putting my finger on his lips.

he stopped talking and blushed, his face deep red. i could see the deep shade of red under the coloured lights, and it was the cutest thing. his eyes were wide open with innocence, and i could feel him hitching breaths as if he wanted to say something.

i took my finger away and smiled. ''of course, you doof. my other friends are going with their friends, so i'm stuck with you guys.'' i chuckled. he grinned wide and giggled. i swear i died right then and there.

we continued dancing, till we got tired and bored. we decided to go outside and try to find the others. we ended up finding john outside, who said that he went outside to get some air. we sat on a bench and started talking.

''so, what did you guys do?'' john asked, nudging me.

i blushed and said, ''we just danced honestly. but it was lots of fun.'' steven nodded.

''hm, i see.''

''what did you and tom do, huh?'' i asked, the same he asked me.

john blushed furiously and looked away. ''um,'' john said nervously. ''meandtommighthavekissedhahah'' he stuttered quickly and nervously.

mine and steven's eyes widened and we both looked at each other shocked.

''are you serious?'' steven asked. john nodded, and buried his face in his hands.

''how was it?''

''it was... amazing actually.'' john said, his voice muffled by his hands. he took them off of his face and sighed happily. ''his lips were nice and soft and i enjoyed every second of it.''

me and steven awed.

oh- we just arrived at my house diary, i have to go.

i'll continue this entry later.

Chapter Text


oh my god diary.

i kissed him. i fucking did it.

just before he turned to leave, i grabbed his cute little face and ever-so-gently pressed my lips against his.

his lips were warm and so soft, it felt like i was kissing a bunch of cotton. they tasted like candy and strawberries (it was probably from the fruit punch and candy were eating), and i could feel him melting into the kiss. i felt like i was on cloud nine, like everything was okay and there was no worry in the world. adrenaline and happiness ran through my body, i felt chills ran over my skin, but i felt calm. both of our hearts started beating as one, the rhythm becoming a melody i wanted to listen to forever.

it felt like it lasted for hours, but in reality, it lasted for half a minute. it was short and sweet, just like him, and i loved every second of it. it felt like everything made sense finally.

when i pulled away, his eyes were open wide with innocence and surprise. we stood across each other for a minute, just staring at each other and trying to take in what just happened.

suddenly we heard a car horn coming from steven's mom, which made us jump a bit. we chuckled and hugged one last time.

''bye anthony, I will talk to y-you tomorrow.'' steven said and smiled. i smiled back, my cheeks on fire.

''talk to you then.'' i said, rocking on my heels. ''goodnight, steven.''

''goodnight, anthony.

i waved to him goodbye and watched him get into his mom's car, and drive off. i pressed my fingers to my lips, the feeling of his lips on mine still there. a smile danced its way to my face, the feeling of happiness and adrenaline still running through my body.

i turned around to go inside the house, still smiling.

...and then i saw my parents' faces, who were watching me the whole time.

i'm fucked.



Chapter Text

dear diary,

boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys boys don't like boys


help me.



Chapter Text

dear diary,

...hey. it's been such a long time, diary. 13 years? i am so sorry. i lost you while moving and... never found you, i guess. i tried to find you, i promise diary.

what happened you ask? well, after i kissed steven and my parents saw, they... they weren't happy, let's say.

the next month was the most difficult and absolute worst month of my life. i had to live under a roof with two homophobic piece of shits that i called my parents and my two siblings, who didn't understand what was going on because they were so young. things got worse when my parents divorced and i had to live with my dad and my sister, as my brother decided to live with my mother. we flew back to new york, my hometown, and spend the next six years there.

after i graduated from high school, i decided to go back to california for college. my dad wasn't quite fond of that idea, but he let me go anyways. i had a lot of fun in college honestly, i also met a lot of friends i knew from middle school, which was great. but the important thing is, well... guess who i met again.


the person i met in middle school. the person i called my best friend. the person i had a massive crush on. the person i cared about and loved the most, even at such young age.

i still remember that day. i was talking to one of my friends in the college campus when someone patted my shoulder. i turned around confused, and i felt my heart stop for a second when i saw him in front of me.

''a-anthony?'' he asked, his eyes wide.

''oh my god, steven!'' i exclaimed, happily.

he ran into my arms and i spun him around, feeling tears in the corners of my eyes. i stopped and let him down, still hugging him tightly.

''i can't believe it's you.'' he whispered into my ear. ''i missed you so much.'' his voice cracked on the last word.

''me too.''

he hadn't changed much; he just grew taller and grew some facial hair. he looked just as adorable and beautiful as he did when i first saw him. his eyes still lit up when he got excited and he still giggled the cutest giggle.

we were both quite surprised to see each other, but we were both beyond happy nonetheless. i was grinning uncontrollably, and i kept catching myself staring at him, him and his bright emerald field eyes, and all the beautiful details about him.

we spend a lot of our days together, learning about what happened in each other's lives while we were away from each other. he kept in touch with the rest of the guys, even if they moved away to different schools. i kinda felt guilty for not trying to keep in touch with him but my father had forbidden me from using the internet. i could only play video games, which was the only thing that kept me sane at the time.

i eventually met up with anthony, tom, and john again, and it felt so good to be with them again. i didn't realize how much i missed them until i saw them and how much they had changed. john had gotten top surgery and got on T and looked like a whole different person, a whole lot happier. tom and galm hadn't changed a lot externally, but they had internally. tom and john had started dating! they said that they didn't 'properly' start dating til high school, and had been in a long-distance relationship since they studied in different colleges but kept going strong nonetheless. also something was going on between galm and steven/aphex, but i didn't ask a lot because galm's red face gave it all away.

me and steven? well, we started dating, after a lot of flirting and failed pick-up lines, and fell in love with each other all over again. finally, i got over my anxiety and thoughts of failure and asked him to be my boyfriend, to which he accepted. we were both so perfect for each other, completing each other and just making each other so happy. i could feel myself falling in love with him all over again every time he smiled, and every time he was in the room everything would be alright. i love him so much, diary.

i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. i knew i wanted to. and so, on a rainy day of march, as we were dancing to cheesy music in our shared apartment, i asked him quietly, looking deep into his eyes and holding him close,

''will you marry me?''

he stayed silent, looking back at me with his eyes sparkling, his mouth open as if he wants to say something, but hesitating.

''what?'' he asked with a small voice, so silent that you almost couldn't hear him.

i pulled away from him and got on one knee, pulling out the ring i had in my pocket. ''will you become my husband, and spend the rest of your and my life with me?''

his eyes teared up, and he smiled widely as he said, ''yes. yes, i will.''

and the rest is history, diary.

i've never been happier in my life, honestly. i remember when i was 15, and i felt so miserable and felt like i couldn't continue living anymore. but now i'm so glad i didn't end it. because i wouldn't be here, living with my childhood crush who ended up being my husband, being the happiest i have ever been. i feel like... i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be. and i wouldn't change it for the world.


for the last time,


the end.