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Mind Over Matter

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Allie had been sitting in the waiting room for about 10 minutes, she was feeling extremely nervous to be here but after getting clean again for the 5th time in the last year kaz told her it was time to see a psychologist and deal with her anxiety and depression, when she gets into that state she finds the easiest way to deal with her issues is to turn to drugs and go back to prostitution to make money, she sat there her knee bouncing and she was playing with her fingers, her eyes darting around trying to find an escape goat and just as her nerves got the best of her she heard the receptionist call her name

‘allie Novak?

‘ah yes that’s me

‘ok the doctor with see you know, allie nodded and followed her to the room and she opened the door and allie walked in and the doctor greeted her

‘hi I’m doctor smith but you can call me bea, she stuck her hand out and allie shook it, bea could feel allie was nervous, her hand she shook was shaking and she had a fear in her eyes, bea smiled gently and directed allie to the couches she had,

‘umm I’m allie,
‘its nice to meet you allie, can I get you a tea, coffee or water?

‘sure, a water would be great, bea walked over to the fridge and grabbed 2 bottles of water and handed one to allie and put the other on the little table near the couches, she watched as allie took a sip and then put her own bottle on the table,

‘ok allie now this is a safe space and anything you tell me will stay between us, allie nodded and bea continued ‘can you tell me a little about what bought you here? Allie just stared at bea for a few minutes, bea was beautiful with her strong jaw line, bright red curly hair, chocolate brown eyes and sexy body, she shook her head and spoke

‘well umm I have anxiety and depression and in the last year it has been getting worse,

‘ok when were you diagnosed with it?

‘about 5 years ago I think,

‘do you remember what led you to having your first panic attack? Allie scoffed but nodded

‘yea I told my parents I was gay when I was 16 and they kicked me out on the streets, bea’s heart broke at hearing that but she had to stay professional

‘how did that go down? Can you tell me how the conversation went please? Allie saw nothing but compassion from bea so she started,

'Yea I sat them down and I told them I was seeing someone from school and it was a female, my father stood up and slapped me across the face and I fell to the floor and then kicked me in the stomach hard enough to break 2 of my rips, she began to cry, she leaned over and put her face into her hands and the sobs came roaring through her body and she couldn’t stop, its like talking about it felt like she was going threw it all over again, bea watched on and on instinct she put her hand on allie shoulder rubbing it trying to calm her, allie felt bea’s hand and it made her sob more to feel someone other than kaz show her something other that hate towards her,

‘allie I get this is hard for you so take your time I am here for you, it took about 5 minutes for allie to calm down and she lifted her head to see bea watching her

‘I’m sorry, allie croaked out

‘you have nothing to be sorry for allie, what your dad did is repulsive and he had no right to treat you like that, allie nodded ‘allie do you think you can continue to tell me what happened next,

‘yea ok, well after he kicked me I got up and went into my room and packed my bag, he was screaming from the other side telling me to leave the house and that I was a disgrace and he wished I was never born, I grabbed what I could and left the house with $150 in my pocket and my soccer bag over my shoulder, I left and went to my girlfriends house and we sat down out the front and I told her what happened but she acted like she didn’t care, it was like she turned on me, she told me we were over and she just used me to try the whole [lesbian thing] I was so angry so I left from her house but I didn’t get very far as my ribs were killing me, I was walking towards the park and I fell hitting the pavement and someone saw me, I’m not sure how as it was like 9pm but they did and came over to me and saw I was in pain and called the ambulance, I spent 5 days in hospital on my own, they kept asking to call my parents or anyone but I told them no and as I was 16 I was in charge of myself,

'it was on the 3rd day that I had my first panic attack, I was laying in the bed and thinking what I was going to do when I got out and it all hit me I was on my own and had no one, my heart was racing, my whole body went hot, I was breathing really fast and I was sweating, the nurse came in and saw what was happening and called the doctor and they gave me something to calm down and showed me how to control my breathing, that was 12 years ago and I have been having them ever since, allie took a big breathe and stopped to get her head around what she told bea, bea’s heart was breaking hearing allie go through all this and she doesn’t know why but she leaned over and took allies’ hand and squeezed it, she never did this but she felt for allie and felt that was the right thing to do and she was right when she saw allie look into her eyes and smile,

‘I’m sorry you had to go through all that allie, what happened when you got out of hospital? Allie dropped her head and sighed, this was the worst part and she was so embarrassed to tell bea,

‘before I tell you I want you to know it wasn’t my choice and I felt like I couldn’t get out of my rut, bea nodded and allie continued

‘once I got out I was basically sleeping in the park on the benches but it was really cold at night so I slept in abandoned shops or in shop doorways, I only had $150 so that didn’t last long it ran out after 2 weeks, I managed to stretch it out as much as possible, after 3 days of no food I was desperate and one night I saw some of the usual girls walking the streets and I always wondered what they did so I stashed my bag in my secret hiding place in the park and followed them to the main strip where cars would stop and they would get in and about an hour later they came back and they were handed money and they did this over and over again so went up to a couple of them and asked what they were doing and they explained it was prostitution, I knew what it was and I was so desperate that I tried it,

she hadn’t looked at bea while she was speaking not wanting to be judged and bea realized this and spoke

‘allie I’m not here to judge you ok, I just want to know so I can help you the best I can, allie nodded and continued

‘I had been prostituting myself for about 3 months when I had a new client and he wasn’t very let’s say friendly, he basically took what he wanted and then bashed me so he didn’t have to pay, he left me in the hotel room and I must have blacked out because I didn’t wake till the next morning, when I got to the bathroom my face was covered in blood and I was bleeding from. umm…… well down there, bea nodded and allie continued

‘I showered and cleaned myself up the best I could but I couldn’t even sit down I was so sore down there so I went to the hospital and they checked me out, they asked if I had been raped and I told them yes and they tried to do a rape kit but I refused cause it would be useless, they also told me I was in so much pain because I was pregnant and I was having a miscarriage, I ended up staying a couple days and then back on the streets I went, I was still quite sore so one of the girls offered me drugs to take the pain away, it was just a couple pills to start but that quickly turned to coke and then ice, I was hooked and for the next 7 years that was my life, prostitution and drugs, I tried to find proper work and a place but it was too hard,

‘how did you get to where you are now? Asked bea

‘one day I stayed at the shelter, I was so tired and my body was covered in bruises and marks and I needed a rest, when I got to the shelter I met kaz who helped me, she stopped me trying to commit suicide, i wanted it to all end, the drugs, prostitution, hurt, pain just everything,kaz helped me get clean, I got off the drugs and went to tafe and finished my schooling and followed that with a photography course, I run my own business and take photos of weddings, birthdays, christenings and so on,

‘so, tell me what has happened that your feeling your anxiety and depression again?

‘I guess I’m feeling lonely, she said almost in w whisper, in the last year I have felt it creeping up on me again, apart from kaz I feel very alone, I don’t have friends or people to hang with, no family to have around me its just me and my camera I guess,

‘ok so allie when you feel anxious or depressed what do you do?

‘bea, allie sighed ‘I’m embarrassed to say that after all this time being clean I have turned to drugs again and sometimes I have done prostitution, I don’t even need the money but I think when I’m off my face my head thinks it’s something I have to do, I have relapsed like 5 times in the last year, god I’m so disgusting, I’m surprised you haven’t kicked me out yet

‘allie I would never kick you out, your my patient and you need help and I will do everything in my power to help you ok, allie nodded and bit her bottom lip as tears spilled down her cheeks,

‘no one ever wants to help me except kaz and even she is sick of me, I’m even sick of myself, bea slid forward in her seat and grabbed allies’ hand

‘I’m not sick of you at all and I want you to come see me 3 times a week for a couple months ok,

‘ok I will

‘good, now when you go home I want you to start writing down your feelings, what ever they are happy, sad, upset, angry, stressed, whatever they are, I want as mush detail as possible, I want to know what made you feel like that and how you cope with the feelings,

‘I can do that

‘good now I think we have covered quite a bit in our session and I want to see you in 2 days, start your writing from today please, allie nodded and stood up and bea followed her to the door, ‘and allie? Allie turned around

‘yea?

‘you’re not alone, I myself have my own struggles and a lot of people do, here is my card if you feel like your going to do something stupid or need to talk you call me ok, day or night it doesn’t matter, bea wasn’t sure why but she felt like she knew allie for ages even if it was the first time they met and giving allie her personal number probably wasn’t the best idea but she needed to know allie was ok all the time, ‘allie you can text me as well if you don’t want to talk on the phone, don’t be embarrassed about anything ok

‘thank you bea, bea was caught off guard when allie hugged her but she did end up reciprocating the hug and when they pulled apart they stared at each other’s eyes for a minute before allie cleared her throat, ‘I should go I have to get to work, I will see you in a couple days, thank you again, allie left to go home to get her stuff as she had a 16th birthday and was hired to take photos,

Bea went to her receptionist and told her she was taking a lunch break so she headed back to her office and grabbed her phone and bag and went to Maccas which was only a couple shops down from her practice, she ordered her food and sat down too eat, after she ate she sat there for a while she couldn’t get allie out of her head, she didn’t understand how someone can treat there daughter like that and force them out on the streets,

In saying that she could never understand what harry did to Debbie, it had been 2 years since he had gone to jail but Debbie’s pain was real and she blamed herself for the whole ordeal, bea had been getting beaten and raped by harry for years, even before Debbie who is now 18 was born, she didn’t know that harry had taken advantage of Debbie the last 6 months before bea found out that harry had been raping Debbie as well and when bea found out she lost it, she had walked onto the house one day coming home early from work and heard crying and noises coming from upstairs, upon going upstairs to Debbie’s room she saw harry on top of her raping her, bea went red and grabbed him and dragged him out of her room throwing him down the stairs before grabbing a knife and stabbing him twice and then running up to Debbie and holding her while she called the police, shaking her head of those thoughts she grabbed her stuff and walked back to work

Allie had finished from the 16th and grabbed some dinner and went home where she lived with kaz, she walked in the door putting her stuff down and sitting at the table eating when kaz walked in

‘hey allie how was work?

‘busy, so many teenagers thinking there cool, they both laughed

‘yea I remember what I was like back then, so how was therapy today?

‘it was really………. Confronting, kaz nodding

‘yea I bet it was, what was the psychologist like?

‘she was really good, I told her about my parents and my time on the streets and you helping me clean myself up,

‘that’s good as long as your comfortable with her than that’s good,

‘yea I am, I see her again in 2 days, she wants me to see her 3 times a week for a while,

‘ok that’s good, more one on one time is good for you, allie finished eating and as kaz said good night allie went for a shower to clean the day off, she was standing under the water thinking about bea and how much care she showed towards her, kaz was good to her but bea showed her compassion and care almost love, dare she think it, she finished her shower and got dressed and laid in bed, she picked up her phone and saw in the phone case bea’s card and thought maybe she should message her and say thank you for today, bea had already made a big impact on allie today and allie felt really safe with bea, she decided to bite the bullet and text bea

‘hi bea its allie, I just want to say thank you so much for today, it was really hard for me to open up to you, you made me feel safe, something I haven’t felt ever I don’t think so thank you

Bea was laying in bed watching tv with Debbie when her phone chimed, picking it up she didn’t know the number but she read the message she smiled and quickly saved the number to her phone before she replied

‘hi allie I’m glad you felt safe opening up to me, I only want you to feel safe and secure with me, I hope you had a good night at work,

Allie saw the reply come through now long later,

‘I did thank you, busy but it was good, I hope the rest of your day wasn’t too busy after I left,

‘it wasn’t too bad, had some lunch and a couple more patients so got home early to cook for my daughter

‘you have a daughter? She must be like 5 or 6

‘no, she is 18

‘NO WAY… you don’t look old enough to have a teenage daughter

‘I’m 36 and I had her when I was young, bea worried that she probably shouldn’t be conversating with allie like this but she couldn’t help it

‘your 36? Shit you look like your 26 or 27

‘ha I wish I was, but I will take that compliment 'im off too bed, good night bea 'good night allie ============================================ bea was woken up at 4am by her phone ringing and when she picked it up she saw allie's name and worry etched on her face straight away, she answered her phone 'allie are you ok? she could hear sniffling on the other end 'bea 'yea allie im here, whats going on? 'i dont know... im just scared to be on my own, bea could hear allie crying 'allie where are you? hoping she wasnt on the streets 'im at home, bea im so alone no one wants to be around me, if only allie knew that bea wants to be around her 'allie your wrong yo know, 'what do you mean bea? 'i umm i want to be around you, i know how you feel allie its hard but i know, i feel alone too sometimes, although i have my daughter and some close friends i have times where i just want someone to be next to me, to lay down with me, its not about talking to someone sometimes its about having the support for your self, 'bea you seem so well put together and stable, she sniffed 'maybe on the outside i am but on inside i sometimes feel like im dying, there was silence between them and allie was thinking what could have happened to bea, how could anyone hurt her, 'allie do you want me to come over? 'thats now fair to ask you to do that bea, 'your not asking me allie 'how about your daughter? 'she went to her friends for the night, she wont be back till tomorrow afternoon, please im worried about you 'ok i would like that, i will text you my address 'ok good i will see you soon, they hung up and bea got the text to allie's house and was shocked to see she was 3 streets away from her, she had a quick shower to freshen up and got dressed putting on her perfume and grabbing her keys and wallet and drove to allie's place which only took a few minutes, she got out of the car and walked to the door and before she knocked the door opened slowly revealing a tired looking allie with red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, 'are you ok allie? allie nodded and grabbed bea's hand and dragged her into the house and into the lounge room 'sit down i will get you a drink, do you want a beer or whisky or water? 'what ever your having is fine, allie went to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of whisky and 2 glasses and went and sat beside bea and poured them some and handed the glass to bea and they clinked before bea had a sip and allie threw hers back at once and poured another for herself and bea watched on in concern 'thank you for coming over bea 'its ok im only 3 streets away from you so it was easy to get here, 'wow really, we live that close to each other and never met? 'i guess so, so tell me whats going on? allie sighed and leaned her head on the back of the couch, 'bea i cant help but feel so alone, so unwanted and to be honest if you hadnt come over i probably would have gone and gotten drugs, 'allie whenever you do drugs it doesnt help you, yes it may numb you for a bit but when you come off them those feelings are still there, 'yea i know thats why i need help, i just think im too far gone, im beyond help bea, she looked at the ceiling feeling ashamed, she felt a hand on her cheek and turned her head towards bea, 'allie your not beyond help, i think you need to deal with your emotions from what had happened to you to move on with your life, its eating you up, it has consumed your thoughts and thats why your feeling like this, bea rubbed her thumb over allie's cheek and allie moved her head into her hand, bea wasnt sure what was happening but the feeling of touching allie felt amazing, after a couple minutes she pulled her hand down 'can you stay for a bit? 'yea sure, how about a movie 'yea i bought a couple dvd's last week, lets watch pitch perfect? 'yea sure allie put it on, allie put it on and they sat and watched it for a bit and bea realized that allie was falling asleep so she stood up, 'come on allie you should get to bed, she put her hand up and helped allie up and helped her to her bed, allie got in and bea tucked her in and she said bye but allie didnt want her to leave 'please dont leave, allie said her voice trembling with fear, 'please stay with me for a bit, 'ok allie scoot over a little, allie moved over a little and lifted the blanket and bea got in, they lay on there sides facing each other, allie's lamp was on but it was set to dim so there was a little light in the room, they stared at each other for a bit until they both started falling asleep, both there eyes closing as sleep took over them and for the first time in a long time allie felt comfortable enough to have a good sleep, bea woke up a few hours later to see allie still sleeping and allie's head was nestled into bea's neck and bea really liked it, this feeling she has never had and wasnt sure what it was, she felt movement beside her and saw allie pop her eyes open and allie smiled at bea and bea's heart felt like it was gonna explode 'good morning, thank you for staying with me, m sorry i woke you in the middle of the night 'your welcome, im glad you woke me up and im glad you didnt go get drugs last night, bea smiled 'yea i am too and too be honest i havent slept that long in ages, 'well im glad i could help, allie smiled and kissed bea's cheek, 'what time do you have to be at work today bea? 'i dont have any clients today we are getting a big upgrade on our computers and there painting the office so i have today off, allie nodded 'ok well how about i take you for breakfast 'you dont have to do that allie, 'i want to, please let me 'ok sure, they got up and allie had a quick shower and bea washed her face and allie gave her a spare toothbrush and she brushed her teeth and than they left and bea drove them too the cafe not far from them, they got out and went inside and grabbed a table, the waitress came over and gave them menu's 'what can i get for you ladies? 'i will have chocolate chip pancakes with fresh fruit and cream please and a coffee with 2 sugars said allie 'oh that sounds good i will have the same thank you 'sure it wont be long, they sat and chated about general things, allie telling bea some funny stories about some of her photography jobs she has had bea cracking up laughing and bea telling allie about the time debbie made a snail hotel and debbie killing them all, as there food arrived they continued to enjoy each others company and sharing stories, they finished eating and allie paid and they left bea driving back to allie's to drop her off, she pulled up in front and she turned the car off and allie turned to her 'thank you again for last night, its been a while since i have had someone sleep next to me, i made me feel comfortable 'your welcome, i have to admit its been a while since i slept next to someone as well, 'wait arent you married? 'no allie im divorced, i have been for 2 years 'oh ok, well i guess were more alike than we think 'it looks like it, bea smiled 'well i better go so you can get home cause im sure debbie will be back soon, 'yea she will but i will see you tomorrow for our appointment, 'yea you will, maybe we can have lunch after if your not busy 'sure i would love too 'ok great allie kissed bea's cheek and got out waving as bea drove off and she went inside bea got home and had a shower and than sat on the couch, FUCK she said to herself, i cant get too close to my patient but how can one person make me feel like this, god waking up with allie beside me was amazing and she wanted it again, shit im not allowed to get involved with a patient, she didnt care that it was a woman that was not an issue but the fact that allie was a patient she was not allowed to have a relationship with her, she had known allie 2 days and she felt like she wanted to spend every moment with her, she huffed and laid on the couch, she knew she couldnt let it get to that point and she had to be careful, well she was gonna try to be anyways