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Epic Prank War 1995

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“I'm gonna get him back!” Eddie exclaimed, standing up quickly from his bed, full of energy due to his epiphany.

“And how are you planning on doing that?” Bill asked.

“I don’t know yet, I just know that I need to get Richie Tozier back.”

“You’re making it sound like you’re in love with him…” Ben said under his breath.

“Don’t be so ridiculous, Ben! This is a betrayal of epic proportions! If we were dating, I could never forgive him for this.”

“All he did was pull a couple of p-pranks!” Bill exclaimed. “And sit down, you look ridiculous.”

Eddie sat back on his bed, but he didn’t stop seething. “A couple pranks? He replaced my deodorant with cream cheese, and he put clear nail polish on all of the bars of soap in the dorm! Am I supposed to just take that laying down?”

“I guess not.” He was finally bringing Ben and Bill to his side!

Eddie knew there was no point trying to get Bev, Mike, or Stan to his side. Bev and Richie were too close, same with him and Mike. Stan and Richie were pretty close as well, but he mostly would just object to helping with pranks on principles alone. So he’s turned to Bill and Ben, two people Richie trusted immensely.

Eddie and Richie decided to be roommates in college at the end of senior year of high school, because they were best friends. And as much as he loved Richie, he loved him like a brother, and sometimes (often) brothers can drive each other insane. Richie had started a prank war of epic proportions. He just didn’t know it yet.

**

Eddie was really bad at pranking.

This was something he, Ben, and Bill had not been aware of before, but they were certainly aware in that moment. His first solo foray into the Epic Prank War of 1995 (as only Richie and Eddie referred to it), did not go well, to say the least.

He’d tried to rig a mento into a bottle of coke so that it would explode all over Richie when he tried to drink it. But mentos and coke may not have been the best ingredients for his first prank, because he ended up having to shower three times to get all of the sticky soda off of his body, and out of his hair. It had congealed while Eddie had freaked out, and Richie had walked out of his bedroom, followed by a disgruntled Stan. Richie had laughed so long and hard, while Stan just returned to Richie’s room to avoid the mess and continue working on their history assignment.

**

His next attempt was slightly better, because he enlisted Bill’s help this time. The two of them waited for Richie and Stan to finally finish their biology assignment (they somehow always ended up as partners), and after Stan left and Richie fell asleep, the two of them hung all of the laundry that Richie had left in the hallway over that past months, all over Richie’s ceiling with duck tape. It was a good thing Richie was such a heavy sleeper.

When Richie woke up, he was yelling and Bill and Eddie were cackling. It lasted all of an hour though, until Richie’s clothes were littering his floor, and Eddie found both pairs of scissors in the dorm zip-tied closed. And then when he got back from his morning class, Richie had plastic wrapped his entire bed. Eddie wanted to step up his game, but he was seriously bad at pranking. But surprisingly, Ben was pretty good. Sweet, innocent, kind Ben came up with the idea to empty Richie’s ice cream containers and fill them with ice, and the idea to tape pictures of random people looking into Richie’s window.

That only spurred Richie on. As the weeks went by, Richie’s pranks just kept getting better, and Eddie’s stayed pretty much the same. At one point, Richie his raw hot dogs in Eddie’s laundry hamper, and it took him four days to figure out where the smell was coming from. Eddie put sticky notes all over Richie’s record player. Richie taped an air horn to the back of the front door. Eddie put toothpaste in a pack of Oreos. Richie changed the locks on the door and gave Eddie three key options; one that said “Property of Richard Tozier,” one that had Hello Kitty cartoons all over it, and one with some gay anime porn on it. Eddie had walked around for two weeks with a Hello Kitty key while he waited for a new key to be made before he realized that Richie had intercepted the call and gone to pick it up four days prior.

It was another couple weeks of Eddie getting his ass handed to him in the Epic Prank War of 1995 (Richie’s words, not Eddie’s), before one night when Eddie was sitting in his bedroom, waiting for Stan and Richie to finish their philosophy project, and then listened to Richie loudly walking Stan to the door. Eddie had been hoping to intercept Stanley as he left, but Richie didn’t leave his side until he heard the door shut, and then Richie noisily made his way back to his room.

Eddie waited the ten minuted it took Stan to walk back to his dorm before calling.

“Hello?” Bill answered.

“Bill, I need to talk to Stan,” Eddie said.

“Stan isn’t here. He said he wasn’t coming home tonight.” “Shit… he just left here, I wanted to talk to him, but he was with Richie in his room working on a project the whole time.”

“Oooh, maybe he met a girl,” Bill suggested in a teasing tone. “Anyway, what did you need him for?”

“I was going to ask him to help me prank Richie, since Richie would never see it coming, and he’s here all the time anyway.”

“Stanley? Our Stan the Man? D’you think he’d ever stoop to that level?”

“I don’t know, sometimes he can be pretty petty. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, I’ll ask him another time. I think tomorrow I’m going to wake Richie up with really loud noises at like, five am.”

“Any idea when this prank war will end?”

“When Richie admits defeat.”

**

Eddie stayed up all night just to make sure he was awake to pull this prank. And at five am, Eddie grabbed his old boombox, put in the loudest tape he could find, and pressed play at the exact moment he turned on the light that was right next to Richie’s bunkbed.

“Wake up! Rise and shine!” Eddie shouted.

He heard Richie groaning, his eyes opening slowly at he sat up, but then someone sat up next to him.

“What the fuck?” Stan asked, rubbing his eyes.

“Stanley?” Eddie exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”

Stan and Richie just sat there with wide eyes.

“I heard you leave last night. Richie made a big show about it I could hear it from my room- Oh. You just wanted me to think you were leaving. Why? What’s going on?” They stayed silent.

“I’m too short to see your faces and expressions, can you please come done here?” Eddie asked.

“No!” Stan said quickly.

“And why not?” A second passed and then quietly, “I’m not wearing any clothes.”

“Like, you don’t want me to see you in pyjamas?” Eddie was extremely confused.

“No, Eddie, he’s fucking naked!” Richie yelled.

It was Eddie’s turn to stand there in shocked, wide-eyed silence.

“You two are sleeping together?”

“Evidently,” Stan say sarcastically.

“We’re not just sleeping together, we’re dating,” Richie corrected.

“Did you really think Richie and I had that many classes together? He’s in media studies and I’m a biology major. When would we take any of the same classes?”

“I- I don’t know! I never thought about it! Wait- you’re telling me whenever you two were in here ‘doing a project,’ you were really just… what, fucking?”

“Mostly, to be perfectly honest,” Richie said.

“Okay. Well. I’m happy for you, I guess. Honestly Stanley, I think you could do better.”

“Hey!” Richie squawked.