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introducing mister and mister united states

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epilogue, the second

three months later

 

“So, somehow, three months of me posting shit about you bein’ cute has not convinced the nation that you’re gay as fuck,” Bucky remarked casually to Steve.

 

“Hmph,” Steve said back.

 

“I vote I post three seconds of you sucking dick.”

 

“Hmmm,” Steve answered, reached over, and vaguely smacked Bucky in the face with a limp wrist. Bucky laughed, flopping down onto the pillows beside Steve, who refused to wake up, and poked him in the face.

 

“Babe,” Bucky said, prodding him in the cheek again. “Wake up.”

 

“No,” Steve mumbled.

 

“But Steeeeeve!

 

“Fuck you,” Steve added.

 

“Doll, the plan is I fuck you. But you have to wake up for that to happen.”

 

Steve made an unintelligible groaning noise, rolled over, and yanked the blankets over his head. Bucky raised his eyebrows at his phone.

 

“How many times do I gotta tell you shits that Captain Asshole here is the littlest shit in the history of little shits?” he asked Twitter at large. Because he was livestreaming this. Obviously. About nine million people and counting were watching. “Won’t even wake up so his best guy can fuck him. If I offered to fuck you, wouldn’t you wake up on the spot?”

 

To prove his point, he panned the camera down his half-naked body. Well, entirely naked, but there was a blanket covering his assets, so no one could confirm that he was, in fact, as naked as the moment he was born.

 

“Steve, c’mon, it’s already seven,” he added. The comments were an unending stream of duh ’s and fuck yes es, but he had a bigger goal in mind. “You’re usually up an hour earlier than this.”

 

“It’s Saturday ,” Steve whined, “Saturday is cheat day.”

 

“He means cheat on diet and exercise, obviously,” Bucky said to Twitter.

 

“And you fucked me last night,” Steve muttered. “Nine times, even. Or, eleven, I dunno, fuck off and lemme sleep.”

 

“And you say I’m the explicit one,” Bucky said dryly.

 

Steve made yet another unintelligible groaning noise, rolled over again and made faint-hearted grabbing motions towards Bucky’s phone. Bucky, obviously, held it out of his reach and pinched him in the ribs. Steve let out a howl that was half of a laugh, because he was ticklish there, then gave up trying to steal his phone in order to tackle him to the bed. Given that Bucky was already lying down, this accomplished little.

 

“You’re suffocating me, asshole,” Bucky grumbled into Steve’s hair.

 

“Suffer,” Steve said, crawling on top of Bucky’s body like an octopus. If an octopus were to lose four limbs and grow an ass like the gods.

 

“This is what I wake up to, every fuckin’ morning,” Bucky said in the approximate direction of his phone.

 

“You love it,” Steve said, now nuzzling his jaw contentedly.

 

“Are you awake enough that we can have sex?”

 

“Nope,” Steve answered, but, as he was a little shit, he sucked the lobe of Bucky’s ear into his mouth anyway. Bucky let out a hum that was just as contented as Steve’s, only vaguely realizing that Steve’s hand was moving, and not before he snatched the phone from his grip. “Hey!”

 

“Goodbye, Twitter,” Steve said to the camera and ended the livestream.

 

Bucky raised his eyebrows at Steve, who raised his in return. “You seem plenty awake,” he quipped.

 

Steve dropped a kiss onto his mouth, tossed the phone somewhere in the direction of the floor, and flopped back into his position with his head tucked in Bucky’s neck, going deadweight and humming happily again. “Gimme two seconds and I’ll be out again.”

 

Bucky was not going to give him two seconds. He jerked his hands to Steve’s ribs and began to tickle him, causing Steve to snort-laugh and roll off of him, but Bucky only flipped on top of him, straddling his hips, to continue tickling him. Steve howled with more laughter, trying in vain to catch his hands, until Bucky stopped in favor of grabbing Steve’s wrists and pinning them over his head.

 

Steve raised one eyebrow and one corner of his mouth. “I hope you’re enjoying yourself,” he said sarcastically.

 

Bucky grinned and wriggled in his spot on Steve’s hips, drawing a breath from his lips and indicating just how much he was enjoying himself. “I think you’re awake now,” he decided.

 

“Am I?” Steve asked. “Maybe you’re just dreaming.”

 

Bucky leaned down and kissed him, long and with an open mouth, until Steve pushed up against him and he pulled back up. “Nah, I feel pretty awake.”

 

“Tease,” Steve grumbled, “get back here.”

 

“Now you’re interested in something other than sleep –”

 

“And who’s fault is that?”

 

“I had plans for today, d’you know –”

 

“I’m fairly certain that your first order of the day was to fuck me senseless.”

 

“A bit presumptuous, don’t you think? Maybe I was planning on eating you out –”

 

Steve broke his grip on both wrists and grabbed the back of his neck, hauling him down for a kiss. “Plan later,” he grumbled, “fuck now.”

 

“Wow, you’ve gone caveman already,” Bucky said against his mouth.

 

“Buck,” he whined.

 

Bucky kissed him back, in earnest now. Steve was, after all, right, his plan for the day did, in fact, begin with fucking him senseless, but they had lots of shit to do, so he had to get a move on with it.

 

About three hours later, the both of them blissed out and rather snuggly, Bucky remembered that he had had plans for the day. Plans that, unfortunately, did not involve cuddling his best guy for hours on end, no matter how fucking adorable Steve was in his afterglow.

 

“Hey,” he said, prodding him in the ribs, “c’mon, we really do gotta get up.”

 

“Five more minutes,” Steve mumbled back.

 

“We got shit to do, Stevie.”

 

“Mmm,” was all Steve said, before flopping on top of Bucky again and entering octopus mode.

 

“We got wedding shit to do,” Bucky said around a mouthful of his hair.

 

“Oh yeah,” Steve said vaguely. “We’re having a wedding.”

 

“I know I didn’t fuck you that senseless, Rogers.”

 

“Shuddup, Barnes.”

 

Bucky kissed his temple, pushing at Steve’s shoulders to get him to sit up. “C’mon, sweetheart, we got places to be.”

 

“Fine,” Steve huffed and clambered off of him. Sitting up while Steve crawled out of the bed and headed for his closet, Bucky grinned, like every morning, at the sight of Steve’s bare ass.

 

“God bless America,” he sighed.

 

“That joke is so fucking old,” Steve groaned. “You say it four or five times a week!”

 

“But it’s such a fantastic ass!” Bucky insisted. Steve raised both eyebrows at him. “I gotta thank God every day for giving you that ass, Stevie, it’s beautiful and it deserves to be saluted.”

 

Steve snorted, turning back to face his closet. “I dunno why I even agreed to marry you, you’re awful.”

 

“The internet thinks I’m pretty great.”

 

“Then the internet can marry you instead,” Steve threw over his shoulder. Bucky had a sudden thought and went looking for his phone, trying to find it before Steve found his underwear. He hung off the side of the bed, found it under the nightstand, and hastily pulled Twitter back up to take a photo. Steve was halfway into his boxers, but his bare ass was still, thankfully, on display. He captioned it #godblessamerica and posted it.

 

Somewhere, Steve’s phone pinged.

 

“Did you just post a picture of my ass on Twitter?” Steve asked, snapping the waistband of his boxers as he yanked them up. “Again?”

 

“Obviously not,” Bucky lied.

 

Steve rolled his eyes. “I swear, if you posted a picture of my naked ass and captioned it God bless America for the ten thousandth time, I’m divorcing you.”

 

“We’re not even married yet!” Bucky protested. Steve threw a pair of underwear at him, which he caught laughing. “We got, like, three months until the wedding!”

 

“Laugh it up, asshat,” Steve said. “Pepper’s gonna be calling you in five seconds to yell at you about public exposure.”

 

“I give it five minutes,” Bucky said, waving a dismissive hand. “She’s got pregnancy hormones to worry about.”

 

In his hand, his phone began screeching “ALERT ALERT IT’S YOUR BOSS ALERT!”

 

Steve laughed at him when he jumped and threw the phone halfway across the room, continued to laugh at him while Bucky grumbled and crawled out of bed, and didn’t even have the decency to stop laughing when Bucky finally answered the phone.

 

“Yes, Pepper, I am aware that I said I wouldn’t keep posting naked photos of Steve on the internet, yes, I am aware that even photos of him from the behind count, yes, I am aware that this is the second time this week, and no, I am not sorry.”

 

There was silence on the other end of the line. Bucky frowned and glanced at the phone for a second, before saying: “Hello?”

 

“I called to remind you that your appointment with the wedding planner was half an hour ago.”

 

“Shit,” Bucky said decidedly.

 

“Is that in regards to your appointment or the third time you’ve posted a picture of Steve’s ass on the internet this week, of which I was not aware until just now?”

 

“Oh, hang on, we’re going through a tunnel, you’re breaking up, sorry, I’ll –” and he promptly hung up.

 

“Real mature, there, Buck,” Steve said dryly.

 

“ALERT ALERT IT’S YOUR BOSS ALERT!” the phone screamed.

 

Bucky did not answer it. “Hurry up and get your clothes on, we gotta meet the wedding planner at the church.”

 

“Usually you’re telling me to hurry up and get my clothes off  ,” Steve remarked casually, but tugged on his socks anyway. Bucky grabbed the underwear Steve had flung at him off the bed and stumbled into them, before digging out jeans and a shirt from the closet. After tying his shoes, he pulled out a SIG Sauer P220ST, and only five combat knives, which were holstered in various places on his body. He was doing better at leaving the tower armed than he used to; once upon a time, he wouldn’t have gone anywhere without ten knives, two rifles, and four sets of twin pistols. He barely left his apartment without two or three guns hidden somewhere on his person. At this point, Steve just accepted it when Bucky pushed a COP .357 Derringer into his boot, and didn’t argue. This was a good day. They were meeting their wedding planner, they were going to a church. He resisted the urge to put Steve in a bulletproof vest and donned a leather jacket instead.

 

“I’m guessing you want to take the truck instead of my bike?” Steve asked as they made their way out of their bedroom.

 

“Yeah,” Bucky said, checking his phone and ignoring the four missed calls and twelve new texts from Pepper. “It’s kinda windy for August.”

 

The both of them ignored the fact that Bucky hadn’t been outside yet that day or checked the weather. He ignored another text from Pepper and took Steve’s hand as he opened the door to their apartment.

 

Stark lowered his hand from where he had been about to knock. “Pepper told me to tell you to stop fucking posting Steve’s nudes, Barnes!” He then spun on his heel and stalked off.

 

“I’m a blessing to this world!” Bucky shouted after him. “Steve’s ass is the most beautiful thing to ever exist!”

 

Steve rolled his eyes despite the pink tinge to his cheeks. “I think your cock is the most beautiful thing to ever exist,” he said blandly.

 

“I didn’t hear that!” Stark shouted from the elevator.

 

“Wait, hold the elevator!” Bucky called after him, tugging on Steve’s hand to chase the elevator before it shut.

 

“JARVIS, get me the fuck out of here!” Stark shouted to the elevator.

 

“Bucky’s cock is a work of art!” Steve shouted, a hand cupped over his mouth.

 

“Steve’s ass belongs in the Met!”

 

“Bucky is more beautiful than Michaelangelo’s David!”

 

“David’s pretty ugly, Cap, that’s not hard to beat!”

 

“Bucky’s more beautiful than you!” Steve shouted back.

 

“Fuck you!” Stark yelled.

 

“I did that already!” Bucky called.

 

“JARVIS, why isn’t this elevator moving?” Stark demanded as both Steve and Bucky crowded him in the elevator.

 

“Sergeant Barnes requested I hold the elevator,” JARVIS announced pleasantly.

 

“Fuck you, too, JARVIS,” Stark sighed.

 

“Steve’s ass is more beautiful than David,” Bucky told Stark.

 

“I’m aware,” Stark grumbled, “I’ve been exposed to his ass more times than I would have liked.”

 

“It’s an amazing ass,” Bucky insisted.

 

“So I’ve been told,” Stark huffed.

 

Steve was leaning on Bucky’s shoulder and wheezing faintly from how hard he was laughing.

 

“The world should see more of it,” Bucky reminded Stark.

 

“The world has seen it numerous times in the past three months,” Stark reminded him in return. He pulled out his phone, saying, “I believe it’s seen his ass about forty times. Forty-two.”

 

“That’s nowhere near enough,” Bucky decided.

 

“Why couldn’t you be the possessive kind?” Stark asked him. “Like, seriously, you could be going all Winter Soldier on anyone who even dared look at his ass, instead, you share it to Twitter four dozen times.”

 

“Four dozen is 48, not 42,” Steve said.

 

Stark looked up at the ceiling with an expression reminiscent of dying slowly inside. “Possessive, I ask you for a possessive Barnes, what do you give me, you give me this shit.”

 

“I don’t think God is going to answer your prayers,” Bucky said.

 

“Fuck you, Barnes,” Stark said stiffly.

 

“You’re not my type,” Bucky said dismissively, sniggering when Stark’s nostrils flared.

 

“I am everyone’s type,” Stark insisted. “I am rich.

 

“I mean, so am I,” Bucky reminded him. “And so is Steve. I have no need of your millions.”

 

Stark narrowed his eyes at him. Then huffed and strode out of the elevator, as it had stopped and the doors opened. “Stop posting pictures of Steve naked on the internet! Call it Pepper’s birthday gift!”

 

“Steve’s ass is a gift!” Bucky shouted after him.

 

“To you!” Stark called back as the elevator doors shut.

 

Bucky pouted. Steve raised an eyebrow at him. “What?” he said defensively. “Your ass is a gift.”

 

Steve just rolled his eyes. “I want a divorce.”

 

“We’re not even married yet, Steve.”

 

“You’re tearing this family apart.”

 

“Does this family consist of you, me, and your precious ass?”

 

“Obviously, it’s you, me, and our combined Twitter followers.”

 

Bucky gave a nod, agreeing that that did make more sense. He pulled out his phone, in fact, and opened Twitter.

 

@therealwintersoldier: steve: i want a divorce.

me: we’re not even married yet.

s: you’re tearing this family apart.

me: does this family consist of me you & your ass?

s: no you me & our combined twitter followers.

guys i guess you now have two new dads. welcome to the family.

 

He tweeted it. Thank fuck for the update that gave him 280 characters instead of 140.

 

Steve’s phone dinged. “I hate you,” he said, laughing and burying his face in Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“You secretly love me,” Bucky said back, “because, secretly, deep, deep inside you, there is a skinny, asthmatic twink who can’t get over my muscley arms.”

 

“I wasn’t a twink!” Steve protested.

 

“You were most definitely a twink. In fact, you still are, just inside the body of a hunk.”

 

“Fuck you, pal,” Steve laughed.

 

“The plan is, I fuck you!” Bucky repeated.

 

Bucky’s own phone dinged, this time with a text from Romanova instead of Pepper. This text he did not ignore.

 

natalia

Fox News has more conspiracy theories saying that you’re only pretending to be gay to improve Captain America’s public image after Insight. http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2018/08/26/captain-america-cannot-be-homosexual…

 

Bucky rolled his eyes and showed the text to Steve, who clicked on the link. They read the first couple of paragraphs before Steve burst into snort-laughter again and Bucky resigned to just scowling at the name of whoever wrote the article. He clicked on it, found their Twitter profile, and debated on how best to react to this. He could offer the moron an invite to their wedding, in complete sarcasm, obviously, but then again, he could always go the traditional route.

 

“Stevie, remember that vine we saw yesterday, the one with the two guys being dudes ?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Steve said, grinning.

 

Bucky opened the camera again. “Hey, Tom, just in case you were wondering what me and Steve here were up to today –”

 

“It’s just gonna be us couple of dudes being guys,” Steve said, hardly containing his laughter.

 

“A couple of guys being dudes,” Bucky agreed.

 

“Dudes being gay,” Steve added, kissing Bucky’s cheek.

 

“Show me your dick, Steve,” Bucky said, and Steve ended the video because Bucky collapsed in laughter. The elevator stopped at the garage, but JARVIS waited for them to catch their breath from laughing before reminding them to get off the elevator. Bucky hung his arm around Steve’s neck, continuing to snort gracelessly while he tagged the Fox News writer and posted the video.

 

“I love you,” Steve said with a wet smack to his cheek.

 

“I love me, too,” Bucky sniggered.

 

Steve hit him in the chest. “Jerk.”

 

“Punk.”

 

Steve grabbed him in a kiss, though they were grinning too much for it to be really considered a kiss.

 

“Seriously, we’re almost an hour late to meeting the wedding planner,” Bucky said a few seconds later.

 

“But you said to show you my dick,” Steve whined.

 

“Fuck,” Bucky sighed. Steve grinned as he leaned against the nearest wall and undid the button of his jeans. “Fuck it,” Bucky decided, dropping to his knees. If there was one thing in the world he couldn’t resist more than Steve’s ass, it was Steve’s cock.

 

They were almost two hours late to the meeting with the wedding planner, but both of them got blowjobs out of the situation, so Bucky couldn’t find it in him to feel sorry.

 

@therealwintersoldier: in reply to @therealwintersoldier: update, Steve did show me his dick. it’s an incredible dick. i’ll never get tired of seeing it.