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to love and let die

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Luke loved Han, to the point where it hurt.

 

He couldn't bear the pain when he saw his heart go with his sister. Of course, he loved Han to the point where as long as the man was happy he was willing to suffer for him and for Leia, too. Willing to smile even if it killed him inside.

 

And that's what he was doing right now: dying.

His aunt used to have a big garden back where he was grew up on Tatooine, where two twin suns burned bright; he remembers helping her water sunflowers, plant new roses, put special dirt in a pot for new chamomile flowers to grow so they could have fresh tea from them; he loved flowers, but he didn't think that it will end up like this.

In a pool of them, puking and puking lots of flowers, and to be honest it would have been a beautiful sight; a seemingly endless flow of pastel yellow colored flowers going through the floor of the Falcon. But it wasn't beautiful, it was tragic; he was dying and he couldn't stop this, he knew about this, and somehow he was also okay with it.

 

Luke couldn't bear living anymore without his heart, nobody can do that. But Han, oh he could go on and live without him, probably many have died because the charming man was reckless and never looked back for no one.

Now Solo was unintentionally murdering him and Luke could do nothing about it.

He remembers how he told Han how much he loved him and --God it hurt to remember-- he could recall how the pilot's eyebrows furrowed in front of him, Luke never felt so small and defenseless in front of those brown eyes.

He remembers how Han told him to grow out of his crush, that the only thing that it would cause is pain, that he and Leia were serious, that ‘how could he suddenly have a crush on him?’ and that ‘he decided he loved him now?.’ Of course he remembers the answer to the rhetorical question, he played it in his head all the time ‘how stupid of you Luke’ Han said.

“H-he was right” Luke said to himself in the middle of another coughing fit due to the texture of the flowers coming out of his mouth “I-I am s-so s-stupid.”

The blonde boy kept on throwing up petals tainted in blood, he could feel it, he sensed his end in the name of the love he lost.

Luke could feel how the branches in his lungs tightened, how more blossoms were opening, did it had to end this way? If he knew that the butterflies that he felt in his stomach the moment he saw Han were because a garden was growing inside of him, he would have removed them from the root before it was too late.

But now is too late.

He took his last breath and closed his eyes, the last thing going through his mind being the sight of Solo when the two of them were left alone after the medal ceremony.

At least he decided to end it with a happy memory.

Chapter Text

Han walked to the room of Luke, he hadn't heard anything from him since the ‘crush’ problem a few weeks ago and he was decently scared.

He thought that if he told the kid that he didn't felt anything for him, his own feelings would go away too, after all, he has Leia, the most beautiful women on the galaxy and... who was he kidding; yes, he adored Leia but he wanted Luke, wanted to spend the rest of his life making him smile, cherish him until his heart couldn't handle anymore all the love and happiness that the farmboy could give him, he needed him.

But since the day he told him to get over him Luke hadn't spoke to him, he barely got out of his designated room in the Falcon but only to eat something and that was worrying him.

‘I overreacted’ he thought to himself, he didn't expected to be like that and much neither he thought the young boy would take it so awful too.

He also never thought of the awful scene to be played in front of him when he opened Luke's door.

And that's exactly the problem, he never thought about anything.

A broken sob came out of his mouth, Han couldn't even properly look at the body lying lifeless on the floor covered in flowers and blood.

He sank right next to him, holding onto him for dear life, like if the embrace would bring him back. “L-luke...” he let the name out brokenly, with ragged breaths and a increasing dizziness, he looked at the pale face that once carried so much life and tried to give it back by touching the cold face with his warm hands “b-baby? p-please w-wa-wake up” Han tried convince himself that Luke was only asleep, that it was just a joke and he would wake up with that warm smile of his, but reality crashed down hard on him when no sound came out from Luke's lips that were now a pale cherry-pink hue with some droplets of dry blood and petals.

And so he prays, he prays to everything and everyone who was willing to listen to a poor man that has lost all hope and is holding his dead beloved in his arms.

Han shakes in sobs, looking at Luke's colorless face, crying so brokenly that anyone who heard it would mourn alongside him; his sweetheart sits cold in his lap, and Han can't take it. He just can't.

And so he cries and mourns, he lets himself acknowledge the fact that the love of his life is lying dead in his arms at the tender age of 19, with so much more to live than him.

Han feels like his soul has been ripped away and he knew for a fact he would never get it back. “Forgive me my love, please forgive me” he begs “forgive me” he keeps repeating like a mantra, like if that was going to somehow bring him peace.

But it doesn't.

And it never will.

 

 

Leia cries too.

Leia punches Han out of anger, and of course Han lets her do it, it's his fault that Luke is dead after all.

“You should had told me!” she screams at him so raw that Han is sure her throat will be sore very soon “You should have loved him back!” Han's heart pangs again with pure guilt “You should have gone with him! If you loved him so much, why would you kill him!?”

Han's face contorts in hurt and looks at Leia, they're both ready to cry again; he knows Leia didn't meant what she said. Or maybe she did, but whatever her intention was, that didn't meant she wasn't right; he feels like dying, he wants to be with Luke.

“He should- he should've be alive” the last part comes out soft but tired, but who could blame her of sounding so broken? she couldn't handle anything no more, she lost her brother.

Han tried not to cry again and much less in front of Leia, so he got up and goed away as fast as he could into the cockpit where he just lets it out, he cries and screams and prays to the force, the oh so mighty force that for years he refused to believe in even though Luke believed in it so blindly.

“Where are you Luke?” Han asks to the air, looking down at his shoes.

“I'm not sure” a voice too similar to Luke answers his question, that catches the corellian for surprise.

No one can sound like that unless it's really... No it's not, it can't be so he doesn't bother to look up at the blue light, a force ghost that is surely there to haunt him.

“Would you look at me?”

Han can't believe what his ears are hearing, he starts shaking his head in denial as he looks over where the voice is coming from and when he does he chokes, it can't be real.

“Hello Han” Luke greets him, with a warm tone in his voice and a sweet smile in his face, like if the older man didn't killed him.

Han felt dirty for that smile, he didn't deserve it, he didn't felt worthy of even looking at Luke, it was too much for him.

“Kid... i-”

“Don't worry, it was my fault.”

“What do you mean?” Han asked shocked, mad that even when dead, Luke was so soft with him, he needed to see and feel Luke's anger towards him.

“Well... i was the one who fell in love with someone i shouldn't have, i really had it coming didn't i?” Luke asked... too cheerful, like if he wasn't dead in the count of Solo.

“No, Luke no” Han looked at Luke at the eyes, broken hearted that the tatooine boy dares to think that way “You are very loved, why would you doubt that?”

“Han look—” but the kid got interrupted again.

“No! You look! I love you yes!?” Han blurted out, shocking not only himself but Luke too but he couldn't and wouldn't backpedal on his confession, he looked straight into the blond's eyes and said it again “i love you, i love you so much its now eating me alive...” the corellian said now almost crying, he certainly felt the tears forming in his eyes and the knot forming in his stomach as his loved one stared at him “... i need you so much kid, you have no i idea how empty i feel without your love, your smile... i need you Luke”

“But— but Han” Luke looked confused, pained and betrayed and Han could tell it, his face expressions said it by themselves, even if he couldn't get words out of his mouth.

“Yes Luke?” Han dared to ask

“Wh-why would—” Luke was now choking back from the knot in his throat, looking so in pain that Han tried to touch the sides of the boy's face with no success ‘he's a ghost’ he reminded himself “why wouldn't you tell me this when i was alive? didn't you love me?”

And Han froze.

He felt an agonizing pain in his head, making him shut his eyes and wince at the pangs of the increasing ache and then everything went black... he woke up panting, sweating completely and with a emptiness on his hanging heavy on his chest.

“No...” he barely said, his voice not even loud enough to be a whisper.

Luke was nowhere to be seen.

It was clearly over midnight according to the sky outside his window and he was still in the same spot of the cockpit.

It had been a dream.

Han Solo started shaking from pain, a cold shot of chill ran through his spine and tears started to fall so fast and so freely he felt he wouldn't stop crying ever, he would mourn the death of Luke until his dying day.

"I love you, i adore you, i need you so much, please come back to me"

 

 

Years passed by, Han Solo became a grey haired man that barely kept up with anything, still mourning, wearing black and a eternal pain on his heart, everyone in the galaxy knew it.

Everyone on the galaxy knew that the aching old man was only waiting for his time to be up so he could be with the love of his life.

Everyone on the galaxy knew that Leia had forgave him and that was the why that as soon as he had that clemency he ran away from the rebellion's base to go live in Tatooine, where it was the only place he felt at home.

And everyone in the galaxy also knew that Han Solo loved and longed for Luke Skywalker so much that he died for him, since they found him dead at old age, lying in his bed covered with flowers that were also covered in his own blood.

‘I'll see you soon beloved’ he barely choked out as he felt another flower go through his throat and out of his mouth, closing his eyes and opening them again only to see a young Luke with that pretty smile and arms wide open.

‘Hey there Han’ the beautiful sun of Tatooine said at him ‘im glad you came.’

Solo looked at his hands and touched his face, he was young again.

He had time again.

‘I'm glad too kid.’ he answered and Luke stretched out his hand towards him, Han without any hesitation wrapped his hand with Luke's soft ones and walked, where? he had no idea but as long as he was with his boyfriend everything was going to be alright.