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The Hale Condition (Aka JUST TALK)

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“We should totally set up your dad with Isaac’s.”


Derek didn’t even have to look up from his chemistry paper to see who spoke. After all, there’s… what, four people who he talked to and would talk to him outside of basketball practice and family in this entire school. Only one of them was a girl.


“He’s not my dad Erica.”


The senior growled while glaring at his chemistry paper and swearing that Harris did not cover this in class - Or maybe he was just too busy staring at the nerdy mole covered junior who he totally did not have a crush on either, damn it. His traitorous brain, in a voice sounding oddly close to Laura’s, said ‘You totally do.’ He staunchly ignored that voice.


“But you agree right? ‘cause seriously there’s serious chemistry there.”


Derek finally looked up and raised an eyebrow at Erica. Because Peter? And Chris Argent? No way. In fact he’s only seem them talk to each other once and that involved when Lydia and Jordan decided to drag their best friends on a date. Because Derek and Allison don’t even like each other there’s no way they were getting together, but like the good best friends they were they agreed. And proceeded to get kicked out of the bowling alley and had both of their cars wrecked. Jordan still kinda owed him for that.


“Ugh you’re doing your eyebrow speak again. Think about it! You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed the way they stare at each other when they think no one’s looking!”


“There’s no stares to notice, Erica.”


He figured that would be the end of it with Erica’s annoyed huff and subsequent silence, but nope, apparently not. The blonde waves around a cherry lollipop she got from who knows where and acts like she’s making a proclamation of ultimate importance.


“We’re gonna get them to go on a blind date together and if they really have no chemistry, then I’ll admit defeat.”


“And why would I do this again?”


“I’ll help you get a date with Stiles.”


He doesn’t bother to deign that with an answer.


He still ends up helping her though.




So he ends up informing Malia of this insane plan and she agrees. Apparently he’s the only one who doesn’t think that Peter and Argent have ‘smoking chemistry’. Well him and Allison. Isaac agrees with Erica and Malia while he’s pretty sure Boyd is just tagging along for the ride.


Which is why they end up in one of the many vacant club rooms in Beacon Hills High School with pizza.


“So how’re we gonna set them up on a blind date again?”


“Why don’t we just ask them?”


Because Malia...He really doesn’t know. Honestly he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t to make sure his only friends don’t get in trouble. Not because of the date with Stiles. Nope, not at all. ‘You’re not fooling anyone bro.’ His inner Laura says. He tells her to shut up.


“Because that’d be way too easy to work! We need something that would actually let us spy on them too.”


Well if we’re really gonna do this, Isaac and I can probably convince our dad to go on a blind date. So you’d just have to get Peter to go?”


“Uh...How would we get Peter to go to anything?”


Because if there’s one thing he knows about his uncle is that he’s ungodly stubborn - It’s a Hale trait honestly. Even he’s not under any delusions about everyone in his family being kinda ridiculous about it. Including himself. Malia shrugs and grabs a slice of the pizza and practically inhales it. Derek still has no idea on where it goes.


“Maybe we can just knock him out?”


“Yeah because kidnapping someone is romantic.”


“It’s efficient though.”


“Malia, we’re not kidnapping your father!”


“Why don’t you guys just bribe him with wine?”


Yes Boyd! Thank you for being an actual voice of reason, except none of us are old enough to get wine legally. Much less the expensive crap that Peter somehow enjoys. Allison cocks her head considerate.


“Well...I do have a favor from Lyds...”


Isaac snorts, stealing some of the pizza before Malia eats the entire thing.


“No you don’t. You used it on covering for your illicit love affair with Scott that everyone knew about anyway.”


“Well that’s a waste. But if you want to bribe Peter just use chocolate. He loves that stuff.”

“Oh! Right Derek don’t you have a stash of some fancy dark chocolate from when your sisters went abroad?”


Erica why? I was saving that for a good day… Everyone turns to Derek, who sighs and nods. Derek knows that if he even argues he’ll be ganged up on until he does, because somehow all his friends are unbeatable in the way of puppy dog eyes. Especially Isaac. It’s basically made him totally unable to win any argument with them ever.




Derek’s still crying internally because he really wanted to save that swiss chocolate for after finals.


“Awesome! Operation: Silver Wolf commences!”




Derek and Malia are sitting across the living room table from Peter with the jar of authentic rich swiss dark chocolate in the middle of the table. A table where Malia has just straight up asked Peter to go on a blind date of our choosing for the chocolate without preamble. It really caused him to facepalm and look honestly taken aback for once. He may love his cousin and, okay, he isn’t one to talk about social skills really but at least he has some standards…


So you want me to go on a blind date...for chocolate, when I am rich and can buy any that I want?”




“Are you going to or not?”


Peter smirks and slowly takes one of the chunks of chocolate out of the jar and samples it, letting out a moan that makes his brain go to thoughts he NEVER wanted to have about his uncle. Basketball, Cora’s 15th birthday, getting beat by her and Laura at laser tag and ending up smacking his face directly into pie. Other things that are not gross! Damn it, why did he decide to stay at Peter’s place again rather than the Hale mansion?


Finally when Peter stops being creepy and gross, he smirks and holds up two fingers.


“I will on two conditions.”


Malia rolls her eyes and looks at Peter using her patented expectant eyebrow look. Derek meanwhile just raises his waiting,


“One I get to choose the restaurant.”


One finger falls down which leaves the other to point at Malia.


You have to call me dad and give me a hug.”




He says without thinking, causing Malia to look at him affronted.




You’re the one on board with this, and I had to give up my after-finals chocolate. You’re giving up something too.”


Malia makes a frustrated noise and looks like she’s gonna punch something before deflating and managing to growl out the words.




Peter’s grin is blinding.



Derek feels jealous that all Allison and Isaac had to do was say ‘Please?’ and pull out the puppy dog eyes rather than give up their chocolate and dignity. At least he got some revenge.


“Awesome! So Saturday at...that expensive sushi place.”


“And we’ll take two cars. Derek drives Malia and I, while Allison takes Isaac and Erica.”


“Wait, why do I have to get her?”


Because your home is closer to them than mine is.”


“Ugghhh fineee. You owe me though.”


Allison rolls her eyes and mutters something that sounds suspiciously like ‘Stuck up bitch.’ but whatever. I guess she still holds a grudge about the time when Erica was trying to seduce Scott...Which, yeah, wasn’t the best, she did at least back off once she realized how much they actually loved each other. Like puppies. Really cute sickeningly sweet puppies. But the point is he’s not getting involved in a cat fight.


“So. Anyone have any idea on understanding this chem paper?”


He really wishes he did Isaac. ‘Then you should stop staring at cute mole covered boys.” Inner Laura voice go ahead and shut up too.



Derek, Boyd and Malia are in his car that better not get wrecked or else he’s definitely not getting money for the repairs. He looks into the restaurant to see Argent looking uncomfortable, because while the restaurant isn’t one of those ridiculous stuck up suit-and-tie only places Peter likes to go to sometimes, it’s not exactly the place for jeans and a t-shirt either. Which, if you add on a jacket is about what he’s wearing.


“Where is Peter? He’s late by like half an hour.”

“It’s only been 15 minutes.”


Yeah, whatever, he just better show soon.”


Suddenly, a peppy guitar tune rang through the car and Malia looked panicked,fumbling at her phone while Taylor Swift sings.


‘Walk in the streets with you in your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be.
Laughing on a park bench thinking to myself,
"Hey, isn't this easy?"’

Both he and Boyd pause, staring at Malia with a confused look probably written over their faces. Malia returns it with a death glare that she definitely inherited from Peter as she finally grabs her phone and answers.


“Uhh, Hey Isaac! Uhuh-Oh okay yeah.”


Malia takes the phone from her ear and presses the speaker button so we can all hear Allison’s frustration. Which also prevents him from complementing the ramifications of ‘You belong with me’ being Malia’s ringtone for Isaac.


Where is he? I swear, if he stands my dad up I’m going to use him as target practice!”


“Not if I eviscerate him first...”


Guys, it’s only been 15 minutes. You’ve been later than that for way more important things.”


“It is bad form to show up late to a date though.”


“Well, there is fashionably late.”


“We’ll see how fashionable he is with an arrow in his skull...”


He rolls his eyes at Allison’s overprotective grumbling as he notices Peter’s car pulling up to an empty space.


“All of you shut up. He’s here.”


Everyone abruptly actually does shut up. Man he wishes that actually happened all the time. They return to watching as Peter gets out, causing Erica to let out a wolf whistle while he tries to wipe any thoughts of anyone finding Peter attractive from his brain.


He gets led to his table by the window, charming the hostess judging by her bashful head lowering. Ergh, he hates how Peter can charm anyone especially since while Peter did try to teach him he’s hopeless at it. Peter then abruptly stops at the table, staring at Argent...What? And Argent stares back his expression blank.


“What’s going on with your dad?”


“I don’t know...”


Peter then turns away and walks purposefully out with Argent rushing after him, leaving a dazed Hostess still holding menus.


Argent grabs Peter’s wrist in the parking lot finally catching up causing Peter to whirl around and growl at him, yanking his arm away. Derek rolls down his window so he and everyone else can listen in.


Peter, damn it, will you just-”


No, Christopher. I don’t care what ill advised plan my daughter and nephew cooked up, likely with the help of your daughter and son. You left me before and I for one am not wasting my time again-”


Argent makes a frustrated noise and steps forward, slamming his mouth against Peter’s with a surprise moan. Both of them are stunned for a few seconds before Peter shoves him off and wipes his mouth, storming to his car.


“Goodbye Christopher. I hope I never see you again.”


Peter leaves Argent in the parking lot, slamming on the accelerator. Argent stands there for a few moments fist clenched.


“Peter Fucking Hale!”


Argent then walks to his car and leaves. Isaac clears his throat breaking the silence.


“Well there’s definitely smoke.”


Malia snorts but then our looks silences her and she has the decency to look sheepish. He suspects Allison and Erica are doing the same to Isaac. A few more awkward moments pass by until Allison speaks up.


“I’m...going to drop Erica off and then rush to home as fast as possible.”


“Is that alright with you too Boyd?”



He puts the car in drive and proceeds to drive off in the direction of Boyd’s home, only a few miles away from Peter’s place. All he really is thinking though is...


What. The. Hell.’




Derek and Malia end up waiting at home for hours before Peter stumbles home smelling like a dive bar, which is something he’d never thought would be put together in the same sentence as Peter. Derek rushes forward holding his uncle up when he was about to fall.


“Christ, Peter you shouldn’t have even drove.”


“Shut up...It’sallll both of your faults...”


I didn’t argue since well. It was. And practically carried him over to the couch setting him down on it. Malia stayed silent, standing awkwardly before clearing her throat.


“What...happened with you and Argent?”


“Christopher? Now you want to know?”


Peter snorts sprawling on the couch, his face miserable and eyes far away. It hurt to see his uncle like this. The always cocky invulnerable Uncle Peter, sly and manipulative often but still his uncle and, well, like a dad to him. There isn’t any of that here, just a man tired and honestly depressed.


Christopher and I were high school sweethearts. It was all very Romeo and Juliet but...I loved him. And he loved me too - I know that, but then we finished high school and rather than us moving in together like we were supposed to he left. Didn’t say anything or leave a note, he just up and left without telling me anything. And the rest engaging in ‘destructive behavior.’ as Talia put it, all throughout college. Then she and some friends of mine helped put me back together again.”


Derek looked away after Peter finished talking. How the hell did what was supposed to be harmless fun end up like this? Fuck it. It was a bad idea to begin with. Malia got up from sitting cross legged on the floor and tentatively walked towards Peter before making up her mind and hugging him eyes shining a little.


“I’m sorry...Dad...If I knew I would’ve...”


He walked forward without thinking and embraced them both tightly. Great. Another thing he screwed up… He could at least do this. If nothing else. Peter smiled a small smile and drew them closer.


“It’s not your fault. Neither of yours.”


No matter how many times people say that to him it never feels like it.



Derek also ended up having to stop Malia from hurting Allison after she slammed the taller girl into a wall. Malia is...freakishly strong for her size.


“Malia back off!”


He pushes them apart as Malia growls and walks off.


“I’m...guessing you heard Peter’s side?”


Derek snorts crossing his arms glaring raising an eyebrow at Allison.


“Look...My dad had a good reason for leaving. And he did love Peter. Way more than he ever loved my mom actually. But whatever. I’ll tell you about it when everyone’s around?”




He gave a short curt nod and walked off to class. With how hurt Peter was...and the kiss in the parking lot...Yeah. He figured Argent had, maybe still does have feelings for Peter, but he also knows that Peter is still hurting over it and that doesn’t excuse anything.



Everyone is at the abandoned classroom when Allison, Isaac, Lydia, Jordan, Scott and Stiles walk in. He blinks, surprised because he definitely did not expect an entourage. He may also be staring at Stiles a bit. The light hits his whiskey colored eyes in a way that just makes them sparkle .


Okay, look. The reason why my dad left Peter is because my grandfather, his father, found out. And then threatened my aunt if my dad didn’t leave and marry who he wanted. And yeah. I’m kinda really pissed off at my dad about that, but I love him and he deserves to be happy. And he loves Peter and, from your reactions Peter loves him. So I have a plan. Mostly to make them actually talk to each other.”


Malia looked down, sighing, but nodded in agreement. Lydia flipped her ‘strawberry blonde’ hair that Jordan has instilled in him is not plain red but definitely ‘strawberry blonde’ and smiled.


"And we're here to make you and your parents screw up not a screw up. Also, Ally owes me for not bringing me in on this in the first place.”


“And I’m here to not let you all get in too much trouble. And I have money on this. And Derek? Next time you decide to do something dumb at least let me know.”


“And I’m here for...”


Moral support! Scotty you’re here for the same reason I am, which is moral support And money.”


Derek eyed Erica, who refused to meet his eye Damn it Erica. Scott and Stiles are here because of what she promised him. Allison nodded and looked at him, since I guess it was his uncle and Malia already agreed.


“So you in?”


He’s pretty sure this is an awful idea. But at the same time how much worse could it be made? And he still has the memory of Peter drunken and miserable in his mind and how broken up he still was about it and That has to mean they were something special right? That it wasn’t just a fling or a flight of fancy, it meant something to both of them. So yeah. If there’s a chance he’ll never have to see that look on his uncle’s face then yeah. He’s in.


“Fine. How dumb is it?”



Derek has no idea how this plan worked. The plan in all it’s barely functional glory involved Lydia’s mother the guidance counselor, pretending to have gotten into a fight, Jordan, Stiles, Scott, Boyd and Erica as actors, chickens, and recorder.


But the result is this. Peter and Argent are locked in a room together and everyone is pressed against the barred door listening in.


“This is one of your daughter’s or one of your daughter’s friends idea. Neither Derek or Malia or any of their group could come up with something this dumb.”


Derek almost feels affronted at that, except it’s kinda true. Lydia rolls her eyes and mouths out ‘Well it worked, so there.” causing Jordan to smile and offer a consoling arm which she takes.


“It worked didn’t it?”


A snort of derision came from Peter. Allison let out a little ‘Hah!’ at that. Stiles rolled his eyes and muttered ‘It still totally shouldn’t have worked.’ Which it shouldn’t have, but the way his mouth moves is distracting enough for him to ground his teeth and double his focus on listening in.


“So I assume we’re supposed to talk things out or they won’t let us leave.”


“I can only assume...”


“So what is it that you want to say to me before I go shoot my brains out.”


Argent sounds partially fond, partially exasperated and, well, a lot frustrated when he speaks.


“Do you have to be so dramatic?”


“Time’s ticking.”


Ergh. Fine. Peter, the reason why I left you as I did was because Gerard found out and threatened Katie if I didn’t as well as marry Victoria. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything I put you through.”


And you...didn’t tell me this before, why? You’ve had plenty of opportunities before now. Dearest Katherine hit eighteen six years ago and you’ve never let your evil father anywhere near Allison.”


Because...Because I’m a coward. I didn’t want to know that you’d still hate me.”


Peter makes a strangled growling noise and then a choked laugh.


“Oh, Christopher. I could never hate you. No matter how much I wanted to. But that doesn’t mean we’re getting anywhere near together.”


“Fair...Fair enough. But Peter? I don’t want to run away anymore. I thought you should know and that’s it.”


Peter sounds final, and it causes both him and Isaac to flinch slightly. Scott just looks like a sad puppy. And Allison looks down.


“I want to know one more thing though.”


“ it?”


“Why did you kiss me in the parking lot?”


Argent clears his throat sounding sorta...uncomfortable?


“I didn’t think when I did that. I’m sorry about that.”


“That doesn’t answer my question.”


“That night...The party the first time you kissed me.”


The first time they kissed was because... Argent was angry and he stormed off? He looks at the others and they just shrug.


“Good answer.”


There’s some shuffling and a moan...wet sounds...Oh, god. Why, why, why! He, Allison, Malia and Isaac try to scramble back and end up getting tangled in a mass of limbs and people when Scott somehow ends up hitting Jordan forward into the 2x4 blocking the door and Stiles ends up knocking into the door causing literally everyone to be tangled, dragged forward when scrambling back. What is his life?


He ends up staring right at Chris, pressed up against the wall, his hands on Peter’s ass. Their mouths locked together, hips grinding... until they moved apart when they realize everyone crashed through.


Are you ever going to give us space?”


A chorus rings out of various ways of saying ‘Sorry’ as we manage to disentangle ourselves in record time and run the hell away and he, at least, tries very hard to completely wipe the image of his uncle and Chris Argent together.



Derek ends up running in a direction with Stiles and Jordan. Stiles stops panting, which would usually make Derek very distracted, but he’s trying to push away the thing which should not be seen, heard or talked about so it just is...something. Jordan breathes in deeply, catching his breath but not seemingly as exhausted as Stiles is. Jordan then grins million watts grin and holds out his hand.


“You owe me a twenty!”


“Wait what?”


“Peter kissed Mr.Argent first. You owe me twenty.”


That’s...what they bet on. Whyyy… Stiles grimaces and pulls out a twenty. When he’s about to hand it to Jordan Derek says something stupid without thinking.


“Go on a date with me and you get to keep the twenty.”




They both look slack jawed at him. And he wants to run away. And punch himself. A lot. Because why did that even pop into his mind? Why did he even say that?


“Erm - If you want to that is… Jordan still owes me for damaging my car so...”


“’re saying that if I go on a date with a super hot guy who I may have been fantasizing over for at least a year despite him looking like he was going to murder me...I also get to keep my twenty bucks as as bonus.”






And Stiles’s smile is even more blinding than when Jordan thought he was winning a free twenty.


No matter what his inner Laura says he does not swoon.



Chris’s laugh sounds wonderful to Peter as it always did, and he certainly has gotten better at kissing, not that he was ever bad from that. Far from it truly.


So...Christopher, My darling daughter and nephew are not going to be home for at least the rest of the day. Come home with me? I’ll make something to eat.”


“And then we’ll burn off the calories in your bed?”


“Of course.”


Peter purrs, pressing up against him again as Chris laughs, causing his chest to tighten and warmth to flood through him. Chris grasps Peter’s wrist and kisses the delicate skin on the inside whispering into it.




“We have time to make up for.”


“That...we do. Lead on Petie.”


Peter rolls his eyes at the nickname Chris took purely out of spite for calling him Christopher and ignores the thing it does to his stomach. They walk out hands locked back to Chris’s car. They’ll have to talk about this later. They’ll have to figure out what the hell they’re doing but for now? They’re simply going to live in the moment. Together.