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English
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Published:
2018-04-11
Updated:
2024-02-02
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161,377
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120/?
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Singing in the Courtroom

Summary:

Giggle/groan maniacally at these catchy ditties (and future ear-worms!) of mostly Disney-themed melodies. It's a short series of song-fics by two musical loving otakus, featuring tunes with an Ace Attorney twist from: Mulan, Pokemon, Beauty & The Beast, The Lion King and more! Sing-a-long with JP & CzarThwomp as they try to make beautiful music together! *Open to tune suggestions!*

Chapter 1: Make a (Free) Man Out of You

Notes:

JP: Am stoked to be working with my fave AA funny man/talented FF Wrighter, CT! I hope you guys enjoy this tribute to my fave DILF lawyer making a lyrical vow to stand by his client – Chinese Dynasty style! :)

CzarThwomp: Hey people, CzarThwomp here and I'm so excited to be writing this collab with JP! We hope you guys enjoy reading these song-fics as much as we enjoyed writing them!

Chapter Text

"Make A (Free) Man out Of You"
(Sung to the tune of "Make A Man Out Of You"
from Disney's Mulan soundtrack)

 

Let's get down defending
To defeat the charge
Don't you fret dear client, the trial's just begun
Things may seem so hopeless now,
But you can bet before we're through
Defendant, I'll make a free man…out of you


The testimony's bogus
These charges are paper thin
Once I break that witness
We are sure to win
Payne's a spineless, wimp, pathetic snot
And he's never had a clue
I swear I'll make a free man out of you


I'll never stop pursuing the truth
Say goodbye to these lies against you
Just ignore that pompous tool, and his smarmy grin
I'll fight until my dying breath
Hope Udgey doesn't see right through me
Good thing I can stall and bluff on a whim!


[Chorus:]

(Objection!)
I must be strong, freedom I must deliver
(Objection!)
Lady Justice shall prevail real soon
(Objection!)
With all the blaze of a Phoenix fire
With this new evidence, there's no way we can lose!


Sweat drips down my brow now, till verdict arrives
Heed late mentor's orders and I might survive
You're unsuited for those prison stripes
So chin up, smile on, we're through
Cuz you believed, I'd make a free man out of you


[Chorus:]

(Objection!)
I must be strong, freedom I must deliver
(Objection!)
Lady Justice shall prevail real soon
(Objection!)
With all the blaze of a Phoenix fire
With this new evidence, there's no way we can lose!


[Chorus:]

(Objection!)
I must be strong, freedom I must deliver
(Objection!)
Lady Justice shall prevail real soon
(Objection!)
With all the blaze of a Phoenix fire
With this new evidence, there's no way we can lose!

Chapter 2: Prosécutemon

Notes:

CzarThwomp: Remember that one time I tried to parody the "Pokémon" theme song back in 2016 with "Daddymon"? Of course you don't, and I don't blame you. Just think of this song as the perfect (pun entirely intended) way to show how I've improved since then!

JP: The alternate song name could have easily been: "Von Karma - Gotta Convict 'Em All!"

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Prosécutemon"
(Sung to the tune of "Pokémon – Gotta Cath 'Em All!")

I want to be,
The most perfect,
Like no one ever was.
Finding evidence is my test,
To convict them is my cause.


I will travel across the nations,
Prosecuting far and wide.
Each defendant, to crush and break,
Dashing all their hopes and dreams.


Von Karma, Gotta convict 'em all!
It can only be me.
It's the Von Karma destiny.
Von Karma!
Oh, defense are my enemies,
Always trying to subvert my case!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
My convictions true!
My perfection will pull us through!
I'll mentor you, but you won't mentor me,
Because I'm a Von Karma!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Perfect…


Every defense attorney that foolishly gets in the way,
I'll put them right in their place.
I will prosecute every day,
And laugh in my foolish enemy's face.


Don't follow me, your input's worthless.
I'm a team of one.
With my perfection, the defendant will confess,
To the crime that they've done.


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
It can only be me.
It's the Von Karma destiny.
Von Karma!
Oh, defense are my enemies,
Always trying to subvert my case!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
My convictions true!
My perfection will pull us through!
I'll mentor you, but you won't mentor me,
Because I'm a Von Karma!


Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Perfect!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
It can only be me.
It's the Von Karma destiny.
Von Karma!
Oh, defense are my enemies,
Always trying to subvert my case!


Von Karma, gotta convict 'em all!
My convictions true!
My perfection will pull us through!
I'll mentor you, but you won't mentor me,
Because I'm a Von Karma!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Gotta convict 'em all!
Von Karma!

Notes:

YouTube: Pokemon Theme Song - Gotta Catch Em All! - Original: youtu.be/lrHJhKEtQEI

Chapter 3: No One Objects Like Edgeworth!

Notes:

JP: I want to give mad kudos again to my co-pilot for this suggestion. Hope you guys like my attempt at song-fic comedy. It's not my niche like funny man CT but hell, I tried!

CzarThwomp: We loved this idea on the grounds of knowing how devastated Edgeworth was after his first loss, what with him staring gloomily out his window while sipping tea, he'd need some major cheering up from everyone's favorite underpaid detective.

Chapter Text

No One Objects Like Edgeworth!
(Sung by Miles Gasworth and Detective Dickfou)
Parody of "Gaston" from Disney's Beauty & The Beast)

Edgeworth:

Who does Wright think he is?

That rookie attorney has tangled with the wrong man!

No mere greenhorn defense could have defeated Miles Edgeworth!


Gumshoe:

Huh! Darn right, sir!


Edgeworth:

Case dismissed! Not Guilty!

Publicly degraded! Why, it's more than I can bear!


Gumshoe:

More tea?


Edgeworth:

What for? Perfect conviction record vanquished! I am dishonored! Manfred will never forgive me!


Gumshoe:

Who, you? Never! Mr. Edgeworth, sir, you've got to turn that frown upside down!


Gumshoe:

Sir it bums me out to see you like this

Sitting hunched over and slumped

Ev'ry guy here'd love to be like you sir

Even when down in the dumps

There's no man in court as esteemed as you

You're an Ace Prosecutor type guy

Ev'ryone strives to be just like you sir

Lemme show you the evidence why…


Gumshoe:

*sings*

No one's smart as Edgeworth

No one's posh as Edgeworth

No one's wallet's incredibly thick as Edgeworth's

For there's no man in town half as wealthy

Perfect, a pure prodigy!

You can ask any Payne, Dick or Larry

And they'll tell you on whose side that they wanna be


Gumshoe and Chorus:

No one's keen like Edgeworth

A chess king like Edgeworth


Gumshoe:

No one's got a cold, steely-eyed glare like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

To all criminals I am intimidating!


Gumshoe and Chorus:

My what a champ, that Edgeworth!

Give five "HOLD-IT's!"

Give twelve "TAKE THAT's!"


Gumshoe:

Edgeworth is most cool

And the rest are all fools


Chorus:

No one objects like Edgeworth

Convicts crooks like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

In a courtroom battle nobody points like Edgeworth!


Fangirls: (Wendy Oldbag/Rhoda Teneiro/Ema Skye) *fan themselves*

For there's no man who slams their bench harder


Edgeworth *points to his biceps under his suit jacket*

I've got gym muscles hidden right here!


Gumshoe:

Not a bit of him's flabby or spindly


Edgeworth: Indeed!

*tosses his head so his long bangs fly up and then fall back into immaculate place*

And I always have perfect, coiffed hair…


Chorus:

No one's style's like Edgeworth's

Dresses sharp like Edgeworth


Gumshoe:

In the man's fashion world nobody shines like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

I'm especially good at accessorizing!

*whips out a pair of matching cufflinks to go with his ensemble*

Eureka!


Chorus:

No penalties for Edgeworth!


Edgeworth:

When I was a lad I read four dozen books

Ev'ry evening to help me grow smart

And now that I'm grown I've a genius IQ

Turned prosecution right into an art!


Chorus:

No other beaut like Edgeworth

Struts in suits like Edgeworth


Gumshoe:

Inspires frothing desire in the femmes like Edgeworth


Edgeworth:

I use logic in all my investigating!


Chorus:

We are ALL GUILTY of loving Edgeworth!

Chapter 4: Brace Yourselves

Notes:

CzarThwomp: This song was especially fun for me to write since I can very easily imagine Kristoph doing something like this. What makes it even better is that in my headcanon, Kristoph is a huge Shirley Temple fan. So he'd know his way around a musical number.

JP: I hope ya'll like funny man's parody of Scar Hitler – er I mean, Sieg Heil, Mein Führer! :p

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Brace Yourselves"
(Sung by Prison Lead Bitchtoff Gavin to the tune of "Be Prepared" from
Disney's The Lion King)*

 

 

[In the prison recreation area, Kristoph is pacing back and forth in front of Roger Retinz, Furio Tigre, and Redd White before proceeding to sing.]

It may seem like we've been defeated in society's eyes,
Our endeavors unraveling at the seams.
But if my plan can receive acceptance with no compromise,
We may yet accomplish our hopes and dreams.


I know you're all selfish and vain,
Like Narcissus at the spring's bank.
But please, to help keep me sane,
Hear my words and don't let me feel manqué.


It's clear from your grating sneers,
That you couldn't care in the slightest,
But this is revenge for the wrongs of former years,
Against a man who thinks that he's highest!


So brace yourselves for the time of your lives.
Brace yourselves for when we are through.
A wondrous age,
As we quell our rage.


[ "And where exactly do we come in?"  Retinz asks with a look of disdain.]

["Just listen to the kingpin!"  Kristoph sings, pushing up his glasses to hide his irritation on his face.]


This may be debauched,
But our hopes won't be squashed,
When I finally get my dues,
And my enemy is put in his place!
Brace yourselves!


["I'll brace myself! I'll brace myself good! …What am I bracin' for?" Tigre asks, his sneer turning into a look of bewilderment as he cocks his head in confusion.][

"For the death of the dastardly man who put us here: Phoenix Wright!" Kristoph hisses through clenched teeth with crossed arms and a piercing glare.]

["Why? Is he diseasick?" Redd smirks, prompting the blond mastermind to growl in discontent.]

["No, you pink-haired butcher of the English language, we're going to murder him, as well his daughter and protégé, and show the world how he so wrongly tarnished my reputation!"]

["Now you're speaking my language!"Retinz excitedly chimes in, flashing his signature 'hang loose, baby!' gesture. "Death to that Gramarye brat! Death to that whole ragtag agency! I can't wait until they're all consumed by my flames!" The former magician cackles, a ball of fire forming in his palm as he extends his arm out.]

["You short-sighted man…" Kristoph sneers with a shake of his head. "We're not going to put Wright's agency out of business."]

["Umm… But didn't youse say-" Tigre tries to ask, only to be quickly interrupted.]

["I will take the Anything Agency for myself, and use its 'good' name to rebuild my career anew! Help me achieve this goal, and you'll be able to do all of the twisted, illegal acts you desire with no legal repercussions whatsoever!" Kristoph loudly proclaims with a raised fist.]

["Long live the plan!" The three others bellow at the top of their lungs in unison before they start singing themselves, along with several other prisoners who became intrigued after hearing the discussion.]


We love that we'll soon have an attorney,
Who appreciates our goals and means.

[Kristoph chuckles slightly under his breath before resuming his singing, with the other prisoners serving as his chorus.]


But as you can imagine, my friends,
You're expected to follow my orders to the letter.
Our futures are filled with opportunity,
And while I'm a very patient man,
I must really emphasize:
YOU WON'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BETRAY ME!


So brace yourselves for my rise to power! (Oooh!)
Brace yourselves to snuff out Wright's foolish ideals. (Oooh… Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Careful scheming, (We'll be rich!)
My logic teeming, (This city's ours!)
My temperament always cool, (Vices we vow!)
Is why you'll, (They'll all bow!)
Know me with no peer,
An illustrious career,
And seen for the legal genius I am!
Yes, my hatred and determination are my helves,
Brace yourselves!


[The other prisoners sing in unison with the former defense attorney.]

Yes, our hatred and determination are our helves,
Brace yourselves!

[As the song comes to an end, Kristoph's deranged, chilling laughter fills the area.]

Notes:

*As a brief note, anything in [ ]brackets is standard dialogue or simply text informing the reader of what's going on.

Chapter 5: He's a Schlampe

Notes:

JP: I love this sassy tune originally sung by Peggy Lee for Lady's love interest, the Tramp. I couldn't think of a bigger horn dog than Klavier! :p

CT: For those of you who love Ema, here's another chapter where our favorite Snackoo-addicted forensics investigator plays a major role. Though this time, instead of being condemned to Hell by a prosecutor that looks more feminine than her, she experiences a bit of puppy love for a certain fop dog.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"He's a Schlampe"
(Sung by Ema Skye regarding a certain bling-loving,
German-speaking/Europhile
to the tune of "He's a Tramp"
from Disney's Lady and The Tramp)

 

What a fop
What a fop


 

He's a Schlampe, groupies love him
Beds new fangirls every day
He's a Schlampe, they adore him
Thongs drop when he looks their way


 

He's a Schlampe, he's a Mann Hure
He's a rock star, he's a rake
He's a Schlampe, and he knows it
That's why I loathe him, make no mistake


 

Laughs out loud when I blow my top
He makes my blood pressure double
Guess he's just a good-natured fop
Oh dear, I think I'm in trouble


 

He's a Schlampe, easy lover
But he's got charm, I must say
Yes he's a Schlampe, but a nice guy
And I wish that he would look twice my way
Wish that he would look twice my way
Wish that he would look twice my way

 

Notes:

* Schlampe – Slut

*Mann Hure - Man Whore

Chapter 6: Putrid Hellfire

Summary:

CzarThwomp: When I first played SoJ back in 2016, "Hellfire" immediately popped into my head the second Nahyuta started talking about people being damned for their sins. Though immediately after, I knew that was an unjust comparison- Frollo is waaaay more pleasant and benevolent than Prosecutor Elsa. Sure, Frollo may have tried to commit genocide, but at least he wasn't telling everyone to move on and let it go whenever someone challenged him.

JP: So many Disney songs, so little time! While we are open to ideas, it doesn't mean we will or even can write them exactly the way it's requested. As the authors, we have the right to alter and tweak them as we see fit, or at times can't get the desired parody to gel with the requested song. That being said, we're having a blast doing these, and will do our best to accommodate as many song suggestions as possible! :)

Notes:

MUSIC NEWS!

LISTEN UP MUSIC FANS! My kind friend and wonderful FF Wrighter, Flora Alice created a playlist of my mini-musical disguised as a fan fiction, Turnabout Everlasting! Check out the full eclectic list of all 171 SONGS!

bit.ly/2Jbg91m

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Putrid Hellfire"
( Sung by Prosecutor Flutter to the tune of "Hellfire"
from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

[The afternoon after Trucy is acquitted for the murder of Manov Mistree, Nahyuta is pacing around his temporary office, thinking of how this case could have gone so wrong for him. When suddenly, thoughts of Detective Ema Skye enter the monk's mind, compelling him to burst into song.]

Holy Mother,
You know I try my very best,
To maintain order and piety in the name of Your holy land.


Holy Mother,
You've seen my talents do Your work,
To push the putrid, sinful rebels towards disband.


Then explain to me, Holy Mother,
Why I see her investigating there,
Her teal eyes boring into my most holy soul?


I hear her, I see her,
Her dainty hand gripping Snackoos,
Makes me wish that she was holding mine instead!


Like fire,
Putrid hellfire,
This moral filth under my skin!
This putrid,
Desire,
Is leading me down a path of sin!


[A multitude of ghostly men wearing emerald-colored robes that shroud their faces in darkness surround Nahyuta and serve as the chorus.]

I did no wrong!
(Commodo conclusi.)

I do right always!
(Commodo abire.)

It's the detective girl,
with her putrid scientific ways!
(Cur non hoc culus omittamus?)

I do right always!
(Nemo amat vos.)

But why is it,
(Tu pessima accusator semper.)

Where I have putrid desires,
That make me a hypocrite?
(Etiam habemus fines!)

[The robed men vanish in a burst of flames.]


Save me, Holy Mother!
Please don't let her evil science win,
Don't let her poison my soul like a blight!
Destroy Detective Skye,
And make her suffer for that putrid sin,
Or have her be mine so she can see Your holy light!


[Suddenly, Nahyuta's song is interrupted by a knock at his door.]

["Come in." The monk calmly responds, prompting Ema to open the door and enter the room. "Ah, Detective Skye. To what do I owe this pleasure?"]

["I'm just here to remind you that our flight to Khura'in leaves in two hours. And if you're forcing me to come with you, the least you can do is focus less on songs that I can't really hear through these thick walls and more on getting your stuff ready so we don't miss our flight." The forensic investigator irritably states with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face.]

["Don't worry, Detective Skye. The Holy Mother will ensure that we are on time. Just please give me a minute so I can finish what I was doing." Nahyuta warmly requests.]

["*Sigh…* Fine. But only a minute! Any more and I'll be pelting you with Snackoos until you ARE ready!" Ema growls as she pulls out a bag of her favorite snacks and starts devouring the chocolaty treats inside.]

["Thank you. Oh, and Detective Skye, please close the door on your way out."]

[As soon as the door closes, Nahyuta resumes singing as if nothing happened.]


Putrid hellfire,
Sinful acts,
Now Detective, it's your choice:
Join me or,
Face the axe.
Be damned or love me and rejoice!


Holy Mother have mercy on me…
Holy Mother Have mercy on Detective Skye…
But she shall choose me,
Or she shall diiiiieeeeeee!

Notes:

Commodo conclusi. = Please shut up.
Commodo abire. = Please go away.
Cur non hoc culus omittamus? = Why won't this asshole stop talking?
Nemo amat vos. = No one loves you.
Tu pessima accusator semper. = You're the worst prosecutor ever.
Etiam habemus fines! = Even we have limits!

Chapter 7: Let It Blow

Notes:

JP: After those somewhat blasphemous (yet hilarious!) lusty lyrics sung a certain Salacious Monk, coupled with the somewhat disturbing images of fire and brimstone from last chapter, I thought we would lighten things up with this ode to Apollo, upon discovery of those infamous Chords Of Steel - bleeding eardrums of everybody around him be damned!

CT: One of these days, Apollo will finally reach a limit to just how much teasing he can take regarding his hair, his voice, and his very being. And when the day comes, he will march through the streets yelling this song at the top of his lungs while the police try in vain to sedate him with round after round of tranquilizer darts. So the moral of the story, dear readers: Never tell Apollo to "let it go and move on", or he will tell you to "let it blow!"

Chapter Text

 

"Let It Blow"
( Belted out to the tune of "Let It Go"
from Disney's  Frozen)

 

The qualms haunt me in my bed at night
Like tormentors, ever mean
Taunting that I'm defective
Barely heard or ever seen
My anger's toiling like a slowly churning tide
Won't be knocked down, I've still got my prideeee


Can't turn back now, can't run or flee
Be the best lawyer I could ever be
Conceal these doubts, don't let them showwww
Well here I goooo!


Let it blow, let it blow
Can't keep quiet anymore
Let it blow, let it blow
Chords of Steel since AA 4!
I don't care if they whinge or stray!
Courtroom battle's on
This booming shout of mine remains here to stay


Compared to those around me
My Horn Head self seems small
Yet my quest in seeking justness
Has me standing proud and tall!


It's time to prove what I can do
Pushing boundaries in proving the truth
Here comes Justice for all to seeeee
This is meeeee!


Let it blow, let it blow
I'm one loudmouthed little guy
Let it blow, let it blow
I'll fight until I die
HOLD IT'S fly as I pound these fists
Courtroom battle's on!


My perceive powers are unlike any arounddddd
My cross-examination drives this case right to the groundddd!
Lies materializing show testimonies not steadfastttt
I'm gonna win this trial, just like the others pastttt!


Let it blow, let it blow
Can't ignore the roar of this voice
Let it blow, let it blow
There was no other choice
Objections fly while I defend awayyyyyyy
Courtroom battle's onnnnnnnn
This booming shout of mine remains here to stay

Chapter 8: From The Shadows Of Night

Notes:

CzarThwomp: I don't know which was harder- having to deal with such a heavy emphasis on the chorus or coming up with lyrics for one of the most forgettable "Ace Attorney" villains ever created. As you'll probably notice, unlike the other songs that I've written for this fanfic, there is no narrative. And that's because I honestly couldn't think of anything more that needed to be said outside of the lyrics. Now sit back and enjoy a song that probably haunted Simon Keyes' nightmares for many years.

JP: This zany ditty (from the Miles 2 game) involves President Huang's body double voicing his murderous intentions... hats off to Simon Keyes for the shizz he got away with/from!

Chapter Text

"From the Shadows of Night"
Sung to the tune of "In the Dark of the Night" from Disney's Anastasia

 

In the middle of the night, my sleep was most restless,
Made worse by the dream that kept haunting me,
It almost made my mind break!
A president uncovered as a fake!


I was once a loyal body double to Huang,
(Oooh, ah oooh.)
But my hard work was rewarded with only a pang!
(Oooh, ah oooh.)
My wrath made him dearly pay,
But one little orphan boy got away!


(From the shadows of night, the President will find him!)
(From the shadows of night, the President will make sure he's gone!)
No one will oppose me,
My rule will be so carefree!
(From the shadows of night!)
No one will hear his screams!


My people are becoming displeased more each day,
So I must not give them more reason to fight back!
But when my plans fall into place,
Those fears will be instantly erased!


(From the shadows of night, The President will mute him!)
I will be his executioner!
(From the shadows of night, his future looks sooo grim!)
Soon he will scream,
As I destroy his self-esteem!
(From the shadows of night!)


(From the shadows of night, The President will bludgeon him!)
(From the shadows of night, his worst fears will come alive!)
Foolish boy, you will cry,
As I gloat and cheer "Banzai!"
(From the shadows of night!)


Come, my cohorts,
Work for your boss,
Help the baddest guy!
(From the shadows of night!)
(From the shadows of-)
Find him for me,
And know what I imply!
(From the shadows of night!)
(From the shadows of night!)
(From the shadows of night!)
Simon Keyes will die!

Chapter 9: Gern Geschehen

Notes:

JP: This song is probably the closest canon dynamic to Fredgeworth's competitive bickering that I will ever write, with the whole Brother/Sister thing being taken literally here, since most of my readers know that I ship them romantically!

CzarThwomp: I don't know why, but Edgeworth and Franziska have such an adorable sibling relationship. I think it's because even though their personalities are so different, deep down, they love each other very much and would do almost anything to help each other out. But one thing is certain, JP did an excellent job in capturing a typical Edgeworth/Franziska conversation in this parody.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Gern Geschehen"
Sung to the tune of "You're Welcome" from Disney's Moana
by a smug Franziska to Miles
after his "defense attorney" trial against her in T &T


 

Franziska: So what I believe you were trying to say, Miles Edgeworth, is Danke.

Miles: Danke?

Franziska: Gern Geschehen. In case you've forgotten all your German… that means… you're welcomeKleiner Bruder.

Miles: Ngh! No! No! No! I didn't… I wasn't…why would I ever…

Franziska: *smirks and waggles her forefinger at the flummoxed prosecutor*


Alright! Alright! *snickers* I know what's occurring here
You're dealing with perfection and you're awed
You don't even know what to say
How typical!
To be silent when you really should applaud!


Come read meine lips, now it begins
Ja, it's truly me, it's Franny: take it in!


I know I'm perfect, can't claim I'm not
And matching brains come with this bod!


There's nothing to state besides Gern Geschehen
For covering up your damn hide!
es ist in Ordnung , I say
Gern Geschehen!
Without my help today you would've fried!


 Ha!
As kids who'd soothe your cries and shakes
From night terrors and earthquakes!
Diese Frau!


 When Canuck got bold, who lied:
"Your Honor, I've never seen that guy!"
Why, your Big Sister, nein?


  Oh! Achtung! I perjured for you
Gern Geschehen
To stretch the trial and find the truth!


Mein Gott! I helped Phoenix Wright!
Gern Geschehen
A man I loathe with all my might!


 There's nothing to state besides Gern Geschehen
Best große Schwester that you'll ever see!
There's no need to whine, it's quite fine
Gern Geschehen!
Hmph! I suppose you would do the same for me!
Gern Geschehen!
Gern Geschehen!


 Well, there's no need to deny it
Miles, shamelessly I could go on and on
About perfect Von Karma ways all in one little song
It'll make your heart go pound
Have you get flustered when I come around!


I threw this case,
And let you defend
Now you'll owe me, right up to the end!


 What have we learned?
From that court trial today?
own you now, don't even try for a breakaway!


 Easily could've turned this into a win,
But it's more fun getting under your skin!
Bow to me fool
I make wonders take place!
This wild mare's waving her whip in your face!
Whish! Whish! Whish! Whish! Whish! Whish! Crack!


 So Little Brother, I say Gern Geschehen
(Gern Geschehen)
For my benevolence, not my disdain!
Ja, es ist in Ordnung, es ist in Ordnung
Gern Geschehen

Well, I've sung it, so Auf Wiedersehen!


 It was your lucky day, Gern Geschehen
Thanks for listening to my showboat
Now back to Interpol
Gern Geschehen
Believe you me, I'll never cease to gloat!
Gern Geschehen
Gern Geschehen
*curtsies*
und danke dir!

 

 

Notes:

Kleiner Bruder – Little Brother
es ist in Ordnung – It's Okay
diese Frau! – This woman
Mein Gott! – My God
große Schwester – Big Sister
Auf Wiedersehen! – Good bye
und danke dir! – and thank you

Chapter 10: Blaise Debeste's Song

Summary:

CT: When I was first writing "From the Darkness of Night", it originally featured Blaise and was titled "Make them Disappear in the Night". However, when I was writing "Disbar Mr. Edgeworth", I found "Oogie Boogie's Song" and knew that it would be a much better match for Blaise's character. After all, it's a song sung by a creepy, sadistic monster that hides in the shadows, makes people he hates disappear, and has his henchmen do all his dirty work for him.
Though regarding this parody, it's based off the movie version of the song, not the one from the official soundtrack. So if you're wondering why I didn't include the part where Boogie sings about cooking Santa into a batch of snake and spider stew, that's the reason.

JP:As if there were any doubt about my co-pilot would be lending his brand of comic genius to take a turn to the dark side in a parody as titillating and creepy as theorginal? The answer of course, is YES! Bwahahahaha!

Chapter Text

"Blaise Debeste's Song"
(Sung to the tune of "Oogie Boogie's Song"
from Disney's The Nightmare Before Christmas)

[Edgeworth is defeated. He tried his best and put everything he had on the line, but he wasn't able to prove Kay's innocence.]

[Now, after seeing his young assistant hauled off to the detention center to await her trial, Edgeworth stands alone in the dark P.I.C. boardroom. But suddenly, a bright light breaks the darkness as Blaise Debeste thrusts open the door before sauntering into the room.]


{Blaise}
Well, well, well,
What do we have here?
Mr. Edgeworth, eh?
Oh, so scary! So scary!
So you're the little prosecutor who keeps getting in my way?
Ha ha ha!


Y'know, this is funny, real funny,
This has gotta be a lie!
My lackeys,
Were bested,
By this snooty, smarmy guy?
He's rigid,
His coat's pink,
He's so very unversed!
I might just burst out laughing,
If I don't start crying first!


When I think that you're,
A little obstacle to my plan,
You'd better start running,
'Cause I'm the P.I.C. Chairman.
Y'know, you're a real moron,
Whose ideals are foolish and wrong.
But y'see, that won't matter for long,
'Cause you'll disappear after this song.

Ohhh! (Ohhh!)
Ohhh! (Ohhh!)
Ohhh! (Ohhh!)

I'm the P.I.C. Chairman!


{Edgeworth}
You're a monster, Debeste,
With a heart as black and dark as night.
A soulless, sinister devil,
Who probably burns in the sunlight.


{Blaise}
So angry,
So naïve,
He actually thinks I freakin' care!
Why don't you shut up,
Before I drown you with my tears.
Y'see, you've squirmed,
You tried,
But I saw right through your bluff.
So now that your hopes have been shattered,
I'm gonna do my P.I.C. stuff.


Oooh, the thrill of the kill,
There's nothing that can match,
'Cause I'm the sadistic Chairman,
Who likes to bite and scratch.


I always get a happy feeling,
When I'm ruining a life.
Yours, my stupid son's,
And previously my late wife's.


{Edgeworth}
You won't get away with this, Debeste,
For one day you'll be under arrest!


{Blaise}
Y'know,
I laugh,
'Cause that you'll never see!
They'll put on your epitaph,
How you kept on defying me.


You're defeated,
You're done,
You should be filled with fear,
Because I'm Blaise Debeste,
And you're gonna disappear.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Chapter 11: Beauty and the Geek

Summary:

JP: Being unapologetic shipping trash in all my works, this secondary SkyeFop centered parody goes out to a triad of requesters - they know who they are! Hope ya'll enjoy the tale as old as time featuring a certain man pretty rock star and his equally pretty science geek lady!

CzarThwomp: You all wanted more Klema, so more Klema is what you're going to get! And what better way to enjoy your daily dose of Vitamin-Klema than with a parody of one of the most iconic Disney romance songs ever created?

Chapter Text

"Beauty And The Geek"
(Sung to the tune of "Beauty and the Beast"
from Disney's Beauty and the Beast)


Always fighting crime
She's LAPD
He's a blingy fop
Makes her blow her top
Uncontrollably


Ever butting heads
Tempers are released
Hiding the true deal
What they really feel
Beauty and the geek


Yielding would be shame
So she never tries
Slurs him to the core
Dubs him a Mann Hure
Till the day he dies!


Always fighting crime
Learn to get along
Friendship within range
Shy smiles are exchanged
Feelings growing strong


Opposites attract
True love is unleashed
Always fighting crime
Each and every time
Beauty and the Geek


 Always fighting crime
Each and every time
Beauty and the Geek

Chapter 12: Disbar Mr. Edgeworth

Summary:

CT: With how much of a thorn Justine and Sebastian were in Edgeworth's side during the second, third, and most of the fourth cases in AAI2, I wouldn't be surprised if they actually sang something along these lines while they were busy planning their next course of action. For this parody of "Kidnap the Sandy Claws", Sebastian takes on both Lock and Barrel's lines for two reasons: There wasn't a fitting third character I could use, and when Sebastian was at his most antagonistic, he had the stupidity of at least ten dunderheaded children.

JP: This was actually the PREQUEL to chapter 10's "Blaise Debeste" that my unwitting tool arse should have posted first, so things will make so much more sense now (my bad!) but still – as is tradition with my co-pilot, is pretty freaking hilarious!

Chapter Text

 

 

Disbar Mr. Edgeworth
(Sung to the tune of "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" from
The Nightmare Before Christmas)

 

 

  

{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth…


{Sebastian}
Leave it to Debeste,
I'll do it with mirth.


{Justine}
Your father wants us to collaborate.


{Sebastian}
I'm first-rate,
You'll think it's great.


{Justine and Sebastian}
It's no debate!
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Take away his badge!
Kick him to the curb,
And force him to cadge!


{Justine}
First, we'll forge some evidence prime,
And leave at the scene of the crime.
And when he jumps to use it now,
We don't hesitate and bust him big time.


{Sebastian}
No, I've got Debeste plan,
To get rid of this pink sissy man.
Let's cut up his frilly napkin-thing,
And he'll cry and run away.


{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Clean out his office.
Slander all records of him,
And call him a doughface.


{Justine}
Then Chairman Debeste will be able to,
Rule this city with his legal view.


{Justine and Sebastian}
He'll be so proud, we do believe,
That a good reward we'll receive.


{Sebastian}
I think we should get a big rock,
Hang it above his door and then,
Knock a lot until he answers,
And turn Mr. Edgeworth into a pancake.


{Justine}
Don't be so rash, please think.
If we kill him with a big rock,
We could leave an evidence trail,
And be sent straight to jail.


{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Shame him on the stand!
Have his closest friends watch,
Him get his hide tanned!

Because Blaise Debeste can make you disappear without a thought.
If we upset him right now,
We'd be scared of his onslaught!


{Sebastian}
Pops'll be so happy with my deeds,
He won't make me sleep in the yard with the weeds.


{Justine and Sebastian}
Perhaps he'll throw a grand party,
And give us cheers so hearty.

We're his loyal representatives,
Doing every task sublime.
We dare not go against him,
Lest we disappear in the nighttime.


{Justine}
Why must this boy be so dim?


{Sebastian}
I'm not dim!
You're, uh… slim!


["Sebastian, please be quiet." Justine calmly tells her young associate, putting a finger to her mouth to shush the adolescent prosecutor.]

["No!" Sebastian pouts. "I'm the best, so everything I say is important!"]

["Goddess of Law, give me strength…" Justine sighs as she puts a hand to her forehead and slowly shakes her lowered head.]


{Justine}
I've got another plan, so listen,
One that is quite good, indeed.
We'll put some child pornography in a box,
Wrapped in tinsel and a bow.
We'll leave it at his office and hide,
Until driven by logic,
Edgeworth looks inside,
And we'll have his badge in no time!


{Justine and Sebastian}
Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Rake him across the coals!
Show him no mercy,
As we move towards our goals!


Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Point out all his flaws!
Verbally lash the man,
Without a single pause!


Disbar Mr. Edgeworth,
Make him disappear!
Take him out of the picture,
And we'll surely cheeeeeer!

Chapter 13: Smooch The Pearl

Notes:

JP: Anyone who's read Turnabout Everlasting knows how much I love me the crack but totally Disney duo of FEYT aka Pearl Fey and Luke Triton, who are featured here sometime during a trip the teenage spirit medium makes across the pond, where Layton's former apprentice is being a bit too much of true gentleman! Ergo, Barnham's frisky pup, Constantine, decides to rally the forest creatures and bark his prompting to the animal whisperer …

CT: Given the pairing featured, I think it's pretty obvious which one of us wrote this parody. That and JP is the master of romance who once again shows us why even though they have yet to canonically meet, Luke and Pearl make the cutest couple ever. Though what makes this parody even better is the fact that Luke's ability makes it quite possible that animals would be giving him dating advice.

Chapter Text

 

"Smooch the Pearl"
(Sung to the tune of "Kiss The Girl" from 

Disney's The Little Mermaid)

 

Sitting with her
Blushingly pretty Pearl Fey
You only met her today
What is it about her
And you feel so shy
But you can't even lie
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

Look, you like her
Gaze at her, you know it's true
It's obvious she likes you too
There is one way to be sure
Nothing to be heard
Not even a word
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

Bark with me now
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Boy, oh boy
Oh lad don't be so shy
Go on and smooch the Pearl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Take the chance
Start this sweet romance
So go and smooch the Pearl


 

Seize your moment
Grab this chance, don't be a loon
Chap, you better make it soon
She's yours if you let her
Don't be a nerd
There's no need for words
Until you smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Hearts be bared
Just get those lips prepared
Go on and smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
You know how
Don't you go back now
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Stroll along
Lad you can't go wrong
I tell you to, smooch the Pearl


 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Stanza stays
Magic if Luke obeys
You wanna smooch the Pearl


 

You've got to smooch the Pearl
Why don't you smooch the Pearl
You gotta smooch the Pearl
Go on and smooch the Pearl

*scene fades as Luke Triton finally grows a pair of apprentice bollocks
and finally manages to kiss the girl*

 

Chapter 14: Auntie Knows Best

Summary:

CT: The second I heard the original version of this song, I instantly pictured Morgan singing it- partially due to both her and Gothel being psychotic mother figures who are so opposed to the outside world, but also because they have an eerily similar appearance.
I originally intended to feature Pearl in the parody, but then I remembered that she had the rebellious spirit of a pillow when it came to her mother. All Morgan would have to do is say 'no', and little Pearly wouldn't question it in the slightest.
Mia, on the other hand, has never been one to give up without a fight, making her the perfect candidate to fill Rapunzel's shoes. Plus, she has a suave, snarky love interest who helps her adjust to her new life in the form of Diego.

JP: I hope you guys enjoy my talented co-pilot's slightly dark glimpse into The Hair's psyche/psychosis … I know I did!

Chapter Text

 

 "Auntie Knows Best"
(Sung to the tune of "Mother Knows Best"
from Disney's
Tangled )

 

 

[It was finally time for Mia Fey to fulfill her destiny- her bags were packed, she was wearing her new blazer, she had been accepted to the law school of her dreams, and the bus leading to the train station had just arrived.]

[However, before Mia could board the bus, she was stopped by the calm, refined voice of her aunt.]

["Mystic Mia, where are you going?" Morgan asked with a look of concern as she sipped some tea from her cup.]

["I told you, Aunt Morgan, I'm going off to Law School to begin my studies to become a defense attorney and avenge my mother."]

["You wish to leave Kurain?" The crone asked with a refined laugh. "Why, Mystic Mia…"]


You are our future, the jewel in our crown,
The next Master, a woman they'll flag down.
Do you know why we stay up in this little town?


["Not this again, Aunt Morgan." Mia groaned with a roll of her eyes, knowing what would come next after years of lectures.]


That's right, to keep our sacred traditions alive, Mystic Mia.
With what the press did to us, I knew this day would come,
That you'd want to go on some retribution quest.
Now don't be a diva


["But-" Mia tried to argue, but to no avail.]


Trust me, Mystic Mia,
Your aunt knows best.


Your aunt knows best,
Listen to your aunt,
Don't stare at me with that scowl.
Your aunt knows best,
And in one way or another,
You'll surely meet your end, I vow


Gangsters, guns, open manholes, dropped pianos
Maniacs and arsonists,
Drunk drivers.


["Are you being serious?" Mia asked with an unamused look.]

["Have you seen the news? The world outside this village is fraught with danger and psychopaths."]

["Yes, but-"]


Don't forget large rats, falling debris, and -
Stop, please, for this is upsetting me.


Your aunt's right here,
Your aunt shall guide you,
And here's what I suggest.
Don't be so angsty,
Remain in Kurain with me,
For your aunt knows best.


["Go ahead, get mugged and stabbed in a dark alley!" Morgan snapped with a wave of her hand.
"Go ahead, become a lawyer and defend some lunatic who will kill you in your sleep!
What do I know? I'm just your aunt, your mother's beloved sister and
the woman whose only crime is making lovely green tea so bitter that
you lose your tongue and jaw-droppingly large strawberry desserts.
So go ahead and leave me, just as my husband did,
and let me die a lonely, broken woman."]

The psychotic crone sighed with a forlorn expression.

"But when it's too late, you'll realize, mark my words, that your aunt knows best."]


Your aunt knows best,
Listen to your auntie,
Outside here, you won't last a day.
Blunt, immature,
Unrefined, loosey-goosey,
And Kurain will surely wither away!
Naïve, idealistic,
Absurdly choosey,
Headstrong and a bit… unorganized.
Plus, I see,
You dressing like a floozy.


[Upon hearing that last comment, Mia didn't hesitate to hold her blazer shut, thereby covering up her noticeable bust.]


I'm only saying this because we're related.

Your aunt is quite wise,
Your aunt is here to guide you,
Though I do have one request.


["Mystic Mia, never leave this village." Morgan coldly states with a glare, her pupils completely disappearing.]

["No." Mia bluntly replies with crossed arms, grabbing her bags before boarding the bus.]

[As the bus drives away from the little village, a grin forms across Morgan's face.]

["Fine, Mystic Mia. But when something happens, don't say that I didn't warn you." The crone smirks, taking a sip of bitter tea from the cup in her hand.]


[As much as Morgan wished to attend her niece's funeral to revel in the rebellious girl's death, she couldn't on account of training exercises that she was directing that day. Just because Mia refused to listen to her wise words all those years ago didn't mean that the other mediums' training- especially that of her precious Pearl - had to suffer.]

[But on one off day, Morgan made it a point to make a trip to the city so that she could visit Mia's grave- a plot perched on top of a small hill with a headstone that read the following:]

 

HERE LIES MIA FEY
MARCH 20, 1989 – SEPTEMBER 5, 2016
"A lawyer is someone who smiles no matter how bad it gets."

 

[Upon reading that quote, the crone couldn't help but laugh and shake her head.]


I don't know how you could be so flaunty,
Boasting as if you have the moral high ground.
You shouldn't have been a vigilante,
And just listened to auntie.


Mystic Mia knows best,
Mystic Mia's so wise,
You feel you're so profound.
Mystic Mia knows best,
Well, if you're so wise,
Then why are you in the ground?


Your pride is why you're here,
I knew this would happen,
Though, Mystic Mia, dear,
I am not so upset,
Because I now have Mystic Pearl.


And now in the cold grave you rest,
Leaving Mystic Maya behind,
Who will be gone soon, I attest.
Your sister's a disaster,
And Mystic Pearl shall be the next Master,
For your aunt knows best.

Chapter 15: Dahlia Hawthorne

Notes:

JP: Me and CzarThwomp decided to change things up this chapter and next, which means he's going to be the fluff master next turn, while I decided to take a walk on the dark side by fulfilling this request for PurpleHoodedAngel. This parody is being belted out in heaven by the spectral Mia Fey with a chorus of laughter coming from Valerie Hawthorne, Doug Swallows and Misty Fey.

CzarThwomp: JP has really outdone herself with this parody! I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that this was the first song Phoenix sung when he decided to start torturing the ivories. Either that or a rendition of "Chopsticks" that would make anyone brave enough to listen want to rupture their eardrums with a pair of chopsticks.

Chapter Text

 

"Dahlia Hawthorne"
(Sung to the of "Cruella De Vil" from Disney's  101 Dalmatians )

 

["Nnnghhhooooh!"]

*From the skies in the heavens, a loud piercing shriek can be heard coming all the way from the fiery pits of Abaddon, below*

[Must be another sullied soul, being cast down to Lucifer," Misty Fey smirks]

["That's not just ANY Bête Noire, Mom!" Mia Fey smirks triumphantly.  "It's someone we ALL know far too well!"]

*The legal legend snaps her fingers gleefully as she cries out the hated name*

["Dahlia Hawthorne!"]

*Mia breaks into song*


Dahlia Hawthorne
Dahlia Hawthorne
Most evil murderess
That's ever been born!
A bloodthirsty wench
Of hateful scorn
Dahlia, Dahlia


She's a Black Widow
Coming for the kill
Beware of Dahlia Hawthorne


["Hahahahaha!" The other three spectral forms all crack up simultaneously as the busty beauty continues to sing even while snickering]


Some folks believe
This demon spawn's the devil
Within due time you'll see
That you were right
You come to recognize
Those deep, dark, soulless eyes
Belong to a Satanic…
Succubus!


[" Bang to rights!" Doug Swallows guffaws loudly]


This femme fatale fiend
This black-hearted witch
Deserved to be hung
Cuz karma's a bitch!
Let's all rejoice
To hell that skank's been flung
Dahlia, Dahlia Hawthorne!


["Oh Mia!" Valerie Hawthorne sniggers, wiping her streaming eyes. "You are the best!"]


*All four collapse into gales of ghostly laughter*

Chapter 16: You've Got a Coworker in Me

Summary:

CT: This parody was so weird for me in so many ways. I'm just not used to writing songs about love and friendship, or anything without a diabolical spin for that matter. But nevertheless, I completed this labor of love and hope that it's to your liking. Now, to quote Gnarl from "Overlord", "I think I need to find a dark corner and something to pummel." *proceeds to repeatedly punch a plush doll of Nahyuta in the face*

JP: Here's the part 2 of the JP/CT switcheroo as he takes a break from the dark side and goes pure fluffy socks while maintaining his comic genius! This request goes out any JusticeCykes lovers out there!

Chapter Text

 


"You've Got a Coworker in Me"
(Sung to the tune of "You've Got a Friend in Me"
from Disney's
Toy Story)

 

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.

When finding evidence,

Gets tough,

And the prosecutor calls you,

Out on your bluff,

You just remember what Athena says:

Apollo, you've got a coworker in me.

Yep, you've got a coworker in me.


You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got baggage, and I do, too,

I'm always there to listen to you.

We always work together and find what's true,

'Cause you've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.


All the other girls may,

Mock and insult you all day,

And say how you'll die alone,

per se,

But that's definitely not true,

'Cause I care about you.

It's me and you, Apollo.


And as our investigations surely show,

Our friendship will only continue to grow.

I can tell our future's so bright.

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me.

You've got a coworker in me. 


["I don't care how many time you sing that song, Athena. I'm not clearing the toilet for you." Apollo says with a disgruntled look and crossed arms.]

["But it's really smelly and gross!" The yellow-cladded woman wails, her head tilted back and her clenched fists held up as she tries to fight back the tears forming in her eyes.]

["I know. I had to clean it last week, as well as every other week before you came." Apollo wryly retorts. "So it's only fair that you do it today."]

["Fine! But next time Junie wants to hear about you, I'm telling her what Trucy told me about Valentine's Day last year! How she walked in here and found you on the ground crying and hugging Charley because no girl would go out on a date with you!"]

["You wouldn't…!" Apollo growls.]

["Oh, but I would…" Athena says with a sinister sneer. "And last month when I visited Aura at the detention center, she told me an even better story about a specific time you went to the space center when you were in high school. It was a Friday evening, you had no date, so you decided to corner Ponco and proceeded to -"]

["Hold it!"]

Chapter 17: Wright Agency

Summary:

JP: This goes out to my dear friend and FF Wrighter, For Flora Alice. I decided to make this take place circa AJ, beginning of case 2 when Polly was conned into coming to the hospital after Nick's hit and run. The red attorney is still salty over the whole forged ace fiasco, which made him literally deck his idol, so the little magician tries to convince him (in the Island voice of Sebastian the crab!) that working for the Wright (Anything) Agency be a life of "No problem mon!" XD

CT: I can just imagine Apollo giving Trucy his typical disheartened look with crossed arms as she bounces around the Anything Agency while singing this song. But unfortunately for Apollo, this is his life now- forever doomed to deal with Trucy and all her eccentric ways, trials that only serve to take decades off his life, and everyone and their grandma making fun of his hair, forehead, voice, or a combination of the three for little to no pay.

Chapter Text

 

"Wright Agency"
(Sung to the tune of "Under The Sea" from
Disney's
The Little Mermaid)


Trucy: "Polly, listen to me, mon. The court system… it's a mess… Naah mean?

Apollo: "Hold it! What's with the Jamaican lingo and accent?!"

Trucy: Working here, for a renowned agency… wouldn't that be more irie than going it alone?
Or worse, become a Bumboclaat prosecutor? A mi fi tell yu…


Don't let this one misdemeanor
Have you make a big mistake
Your dream is to seek out justice
You quit now, you be a flake
Just look at our broken system
Repair be a great big chore
We can't do a thing without you
What else you a lawyer for?


Wright Agency
Wright Agency
Be our abettor
And a go-getter
Come work with me
Here's a toilet brush, scrub away!
Make sure Charley's watered today!
Stop with that glower
Just when it's slower
Wright Agency


Me and Daddy be happy
We na' care that we be poor
But the rich DA's ain't happy
Forever they losers, sore
Who cares, let them be sucky
Defense always keeps their pride!
We get the "Not Guilty" verdict
You can't beat that thrill inside!


Wright Agency
Wright Agency
No one defeat us
Wish they could beat us
Undoubtedly!
We no defend the dirty crooks
Wright Agency we by the book
It's never boring
No time for snoring
Wright Agency (Wright Agency)
Wright Agency (Wright Agency)


Get your law fill here
Eat pudding chill here
Consistently (Consistently)
Even the lawyers and DA's
Chuck all hostilities away
As soon as court's done
They band and have fun
Wright Agency


The judge he rules fair
Herr Gavin's a fop
He plays air guitar
He won't ever stop
Ema's full of sass
Pelts her Snackoo snacks
Kristoph ain't got no soul
(Yeah)
Music Dad can't play
He bluffs his way through
He's a poker shark
Though won't lie to you
He'll help us find truth
He knows where it's at
An' oh that Kristoph blows!


Yeah, Wright Agency (Wright Agency)
Wright Agency (Wright Agency)
Hearing "Objection!"
Every inflection
Is music to me (Is music to me)
Prosecution no understand
We always got the upper hand
All the "Take That's" here
Prove all the facts clear
Wright Agency


Each one of us here
Is a force to fear
Wright Agency
Each one of us here
In clients we trust here
That's why it's better
We be trend-setters
Ya we got luck here
Always buck up here
Wright Agency


Apollo: "So in which verse do I actually get paid … MON?!"

 

Chapter 18: Khura'in's Greatest Queen

Notes:

CT: Well, spiders are usually depicted in the same evil light as ra- er, I mean big mice. Plus, I think we've all pictured Ga'ran's royal guards carrying her around her throne room, singing about how great she is while performing tricks and stunts.

JP: I hope you enjoy this ditty about the bloodthirst spider boasting and her plan to kill Inga while her sickening sycophant royal guards practically knock themselves out arguing amongst their clan who will be the fortunate one to collect Her Malevolence's footprints in the mud…

Chapter Text

 

"Khura'in's Greatest Queen"
(Sung to the tune of "The World's Greatest Criminal Mind"
from Disney'sThe Great Mouse Detective
)


 

[After a long day of ruling over Khura'in, Ga'ran decides to blow off some steam by singing about how great she is as her Royal Guards stand at attention.]


 

{Ga'ran}
From the mind that usurped Khura'in's throne,
The magnificent queen whose glory is known,
For imposing the wonderful DC Act,
That got Dhurke's livelihood eliminated and sacked.


 

But those were just the beginning,
To our scheme for glory and winning.
Our earlier deeds were quite a thing to see,
But now we must be more merciless,
For our rule is threatened as Inga plots against us,
Surely you would agree.


 

{Royal Guards}
More merciless? Are you serious?
More ruthless than those children you had executed?
You're the greatest queen we've reputed.
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your intellect has no peers!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your beauty brings us to tears!


 

["Thank you, Guards. Your words are most refreshing to our ears." Ga'ran smirks. "But alas, our rule hasn't been all flowers and butterflies. For we have faced our fair share of adversity thanks to that meddlesome, loudmouthed rebel, Dhurke Sahdmadhi!" The sinister queen snarls.]


 

["Booo!" The Royal Guards yell in unison.]


 

["For 23 years, that idealistic brute has sought to end our glorious rule, and we haven't had peace of mind ever since!" Ga'ran bemoans in an over-the-top fashion, sniffling and even faking a tear to really sell it.]


 

["Aww…" The guards bemoan, a few of them whimpering with trembling lower lips.]


 

[But in the blink of an eye, a sinister grin spreads across the queen's face. "But once we get rid of our traitorous husband and claim the Founder's Orb for ourselves, no one- not Dhurke, not that meddlesome foreign attorney, nor anyone else, for that matter - will ever be able to stand in our way! The people of Khura'in shall venerate us for the rest of time!"]


 

{Royal Guards}
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your enemies all cower!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,


 

{A Single Guard}
Despite your lacking spiritual power!


 

["Who said that?!" Ga'ran snarls, prompting the Royal Guards to quickly distance themselves from the quivering man. "Eemp Pu'tant…! Why am I not surprised?"]


 

["Y-Y-Your Eminence, I-I can explain!" The man stutters, dropping to his knees out of fear. "Back when it was declared that Her Merciful would become queen instead of you, we were told that it was because she had more spiritual power than you."]


 

["Such Insolence!" Ga'ran roars"We have always been a prodigy in regards to my spiritual capabilities and we will not allow for some lowly guard to say otherwise!"]


 

["I-I'm sorry, Your Eminence! It won't happen again!"]


 

["We fully agree with you, Pu'tant. For you know what happens to guards who have the audacity to question our powers…" The Queen snaps her fingers prompting two guards to restrain Eemp's arms, holding the man in place before a third guard slices his throat open with his sword.]


 

[After the deed is done, the two guards let go of Eemp's arms, allowing his corpse to fall to the ground with a thud. For the next few seconds, the throne room is filled with an eerie silence, which is suddenly broken by Ga'ran.]


 

["As you were singing?" The Queen smirks.]


 

{Royal Guards}
Even prouder,
We'll proclaim it!
No one could hope to hold a candle to you!
Your word is the only one that's true!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
Your teeth are so clean!
Oh, Your Eminence,
Oh, Your Eminence,
The greatest Khura'inesequeeeeeen!

 

Chapter 19: We Will Never Part

Notes:

JP: After that murderous mayhem of a certain megalomaniac monarch last chapter, my alliteration loving self hopes you can appreciate the dulcet change of pace and enjoy this early days of DILF-dom Nick and Trucy parody, which after using the original (one of my fave songs by my fave singer whose concert I am going to this fall! Yay!) for Pearl and Phoenix to show their Daddy/Daughter love in TE, it gave me such great pleasure to do again for him and the little magician! It’s set right when he got disbarred and had first adopted the little Gramarye future heiress.

CT: When Phoenix lost his badge, he was devastated. In the course of a single day, he had lost his livelihood and reputation. However, that blow was softened when Phoenix gained a sweet, kind daughter who will always believe and him and stand by his side... except when he's playing the piano. In that case, Trucy, along with everyone else unfortunate enough to be present, quickly evacuates the building. JP has done an excellent job in capturing the spirit of Phoenix and Trucy's relationship when they decided to become a family.

 

Chapter Text


 

"We Will Never Part"
(Sung to the tune of “You’ll Be In My Heart”
from Disney’s Tarzan)

Come stop that sighing
And put up a fight
I’m here for you
We’ll be alright


I will support you
So don’t you feel blue
I’ll never leave
From your side


You’re Phoenix Wright
Law’s where you belong
I’ll join your fight,
To help you right this wrong


You feel so scared now
I’ll support us
So you and me
We’ll get by


'Cause we will never part
No, we will never part
We’ll be Daddy
And daughter forever more


We will never part
Who cares what they all say
I’ll love and stand by you, always


Believe me I know just the way it feels
Who can you trust when you’re in such pain?
We're not so different, for I’m alone too
Let’s rise together from this fall


And we will never part
No, we will never part
We’ll be Daddy
And daughter forever more


Forget your doubters
'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?
We’ll clear your name
The truth’ll unfold
They'll eat those words
I know


The roads will be bumpy
You must stay strong (you gotta be strong)
Just believe in yourself
And you’ll never go wrong
You’ll rise again
I know
We'll show them together


And we will never part
Believe me, we will never part
We’ll be Daddy
And daughter forever more


Ooh, we will never part (you'll make a fresh new start)
It’s just us from today (I'll be with you)
No, we will never part (I'll be here)
Always
Always


 

I'll stand by you
I'll believe in you always
And love you for always


 

Just lean upon this shoulder
It’s there as we grow older
I’m your unmoving boulder
I'll be here
Always

 

 

 

 

Chapter 20: Enemies On The Other Side

Notes:

CT: I can't believe I almost based this parody off of Atishon roping Phoenix into being his attorney for the Founder's Orb trial. How could I have not immediately realized that this parody was made for Retinz and his psychotic revenge scheme? He practices magic, has that seedy "sell your soul to the Devil" personality and flair, and even wears a hat. Heck, considering some of the shows he's produced, I wouldn't be surprised if Retinz was utilizing some supernatural forces.

JP: As always, my copilot has outdone himself with his brilliant portrayal of the evilness that was Robert Downey Depp, who is way too underrated as a villain considering his lame motive (ow! a boo-boo on my arm!) for wanting to frame and disgrace an innocent 17-year-old girl! This is set for when Retinz met Trucy in order to produce "Trucy in Gramarye Land" and got her to unwittingly sign that bogus contract that almost allowed him to claim the Anything Agency as his own. This one goes out to requestors Akoiya/PurpleHoodedAngel/LemonSmoothie!
Enjoy!

Chapter Text

 

Enemies On The Other Side
(Sung to the tune of "Friends On The Other Side"
from Disney's The Princess and the Frog)

 

[Being the bubbly, energetic girl that she is, Trucy doesn't hesitate to follow Roger Retinz into his office that seems more like a shrine to himself- what with all the awards and pictures of himself scattered around - as Phoenix cautiously follows from behind.]

["…So as I was saying, Ms. Wright," Retinz coolly responds, "While magic isn't my cup of tea, I can tell that you're no ordinary magician. I see you going places, kid, and I'm making sure that Take-2 TV's coming with you!"]

["Did you hear that, Daddy? Me. Retinz sees me going places!" Trucy chirps with an excited toothy grin.]

["Or he could have seen your stage name. How do I know you aren't just using my daughter to make a quick buck off her family line?" Phoenix asks with cold eyes filled with caution and skepticism.]

[Upon hearing this, the shifty producer growls before bursting out into song.]


 

Don't you disrespect me, Mr. Wright!
Don't be so mean and snide!
You're in my office, sir,
Not in yours,
And all of my enemies are on the other side.

(All of his enemies are on the other side…)


 

["What's with the weird echo?" Phoenix nervously asks, scanning the room in search of its source.]

["Oh, that?" Retinz chuckles with a wave of his hand. "Just a little bit of voodoo that's found in every Hollywood producer's office. Gotta keep up the ratings somehow, am I right?"]

[The shady producer wastes no time sitting in his posh leather chair.]


 

Please take a seat before me, maybe enjoy a nice cup of tea,
I just really don't want you, little Trucy, to flee and be an absentee.
I can help your future, I can make it as bright as can be,
I'll help you get the most out of life…


 

["Don't you want your little girl to enjoy life, Mr. Wright?" Retinz sneers at Phoenix.]


 

And make you feel so truly free!
I've got flash,
I've got trash,
I've got stuff the FCC won't let slide!
All to get back at my enemies on the other side.

(He's got enemies on the other side…)


 

My intuition, it's great, really is, will reveal,
If this deal's good, smart, and really swell.
My intuition, my sixth sense, just let it work,
So we can see each and every little perk.


 

Now you, young lass, your childhood was quite the eventful time,
You descend from magicians of the utmost pedigree and sublime.


 

["Though their personalities are a whole 'nother story." Retinz growls under his breath.]


 

Your new life's all good,
But your hopes are so high,
So you need someone big to help your career fly.


 

["Is this true, Ms. Wright?" Retinz warmly asks. "You wanna be a big-time magician like your grandfather and
biological dad before you?"]

["Yeah!" Trucy chirps. "I want the world to once again enjoy the wonders of Gramarye magic!"]

["Of course you do, kid." Retinz responds by patting the young magician's shoulder. "But in order for that to happen,
you need a producer to get you on television."]


 

It's the backing, it's the backing, it's the backing you need,
But if you work with me,
You'll be a big star, that's what I see!


 

Now Mr. Wright, don't think I forgot about you,
You've helped people in court for many a day,
You've helped your friend and your assistant and even your rival,
And when you helped Zak Gramarye,
All he did was run away.
But if you trust that this is no scam,
You'll have a little girl as happy as a clam.


 

["So how about it, Ms. Wright? Will you let me make your dreams a reality?" Retinz innocently asks as he places a
green clipboard with a sheet of paper on it and slides it towards Trucy. However, before she can grab it,
he quickly picks it up and reads the paper.]

["Wait, what's this about a prank? What are you planning on doing to my baby girl?!" Phoenix growls.]

["Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses, big guy." Retinz grins with his hands raised. "It's all in good fun. You see, I plan on getting a few
other magicians to help out with their own unique talents, and to make things a bit more interesting, there'll be a
viewer's poll to decide which one's the best, with the last-place performer getting pranked- pie in the face,
bucket of water placed above their dressing room door, you know, kids' stuff."]

["Alright…" Phoenix sighs, reluctantly handing the clipboard to his excited daughter. "But if you make a mockery out of Trucy on
national television, I'm suing you for defamation of character! And don't think I won't - I'm
friends with the Chief Prosecutor and an international prosecutor with a whip."]

["Don't worry, Mr. Wright." Retinz chuckles. "Your daughter will be treated with all the respect that she deserves, Scout's honor."]

["Done!" Trucy chirps as she hands the clipboard back to the shady producer.]

["Good. Now that we've got the contract squared away, I can start making the preparations on booking us a venue.
I'll call you in a week or two with the full details. Oh, and before you leave, promise me that if any events come up
that could compromise production- busy school load, family vacations,
your father going out of town- let me know so we can work around them, ok?"]

["Will do, Mr. Retinz!"
 Trucy jovially replies. "Thanks for everything!"]

["Don't mention it, Ms. Wright…" The shifty producer grins, waving as the father and daughter duo make their way towards the door.]

[But the second Phoenix and Trucy leave the office, closing the door behind them; Retinz cackles as he opens up the
back of the trick clipboard and removes the document inside that the little magician unwittingly signed.]

["Yes…!" The vindictive producer cackles. "The time for my revenge has finally come!"]


 

I'm so ready!
(He's so ready!)
I'm so ready!
Retribution's sublime!
(Retribution's sublime!)
Being a jerk fulltime,
(Being a jerk fulltime,)
The Gramarye pastime!
See your family name, Magnifi?
It's dying,
It's dying,
It's dying, alright!
I hope Trucy's satisfied!
But if she's not,
She shouldn't blame me!
She should blame her family on the other siiiiiiiiiide!
(She's famous like her family,)
(But now she'll suffer like them, too!)

 

Chapter 21: Forever Thee

Notes:

JP: As I'm only conversational not fluent, so I hope my attempts to translate my own parody lyrics transitions OK, and moreover, I tried my best to do this gorgeous Oscar-winning lullaby justice! This request goes out to all Miego fans everywhere!

CT: I'm... I'm not crying! It's eye sweat, very manly eye sweat! If writing songs based on ships was an Olympic sport, my brilliant co-writer would be earning gold medals and world records left and right. Why must you make me feel, JP? Why?

Chapter Text

 

"Forever Thee "
(Sung to the tune of "Remember Me" from
Disney's
Coco  by Godot at the grave of
his beloved kitten, Mia Fey)

 

[Verse 1: Godot]

Forever thee, why'd you have to go and die
Forever thee, my love they can't deny
From the moment that I met you, I loved you from the start
No one shall ever take your place, inside my mind or heart
Forever thee, though above you're now a star
Forever thee, within my soul I now bare scars
Know that you're with me the only way that you can be
Until I can hold you again, forever thee


[Break: Mia Fey & Godot]

Mi corazón no dejará de latir para ti
Sin tu amor no puedo existir
Siempre Contigo
Que nuestra canción no deje de latir
Solo con tu amor yo puedo existir

My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist
Forever thee
My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist


[Verse 2: Mia Fey]

Siempre Contigo, mi amor por ti sigue vivo
Siempre Contigo, mi espíritu está siempre a tu lado
Te llevo en mi corazón y te acompañaré
Donde sea que vayas , contigo allí siempre estaré

Siempre Contigo, mi corazón siempre serás dueño
Siempre Contigo
, nunca sientas que estás solo
Aún en la distancia nunca vayas a olvidar me
Que yo contigo siempre voy, siempre contigo

Forever thee, my love for you is still alive
Forever thee, my spirit's always by your side
I carry you within my heart and I'll accompany thee

Wherever you may go to, with you there I'll always be
Forever thee, my heart you'll always own
Forever thee, never feel that you're alone
Never in the distance will you ever forget me
That I always go with you, forever thee


[Bridge: Godot]

Deep within my heart forever you will stay
Keep our love alive, won't let it fade away
Deep within my heart forever you will stay
Keep our love alive, won't let it fade away
Deep within my heart forever you will stay
Keep our love alive, won't let it fade away


[Verse 3: Godot]

Forever thee, for even though you're gone
Forever thee, there'll be a day I'll come along
And know that you're with me the only way that you can be
Until I can hold you again, forever thee


[Outro: Mia Fey and Godot]

Mi corazón no dejará de latir para ti
Sin tu amor no puedo existir
Siempre Contigo

Que nuestra canción no deje de latir
Solo con tu amor yo puedo existir
Siempre Contigo

My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist
Forever thee

My heart won't stop beating for you
Without your love I cannot exist
Forever thee

Chapter 22: The Von Karma Family

Notes:

CT: A big shout-out to Yanmegaman for submitting the idea for this parody! It was such a blast to write given the... unusual family dynamic that the von Karmas, and Edgeworth, have going on. Not to mention, given Manfred's outfit and resemblance to Dracula, he'd be right at home with the Addams family.

JP: This one might seem kind of weird because we are briefly veering away from Disney and going a little bit dark and twisted, but you can't get any more dark and twisted – while still being delightfully ghoulish! – than The Addams Family (and their iconic theme song) can you? I'm glad this was left in my funny friend's hands since given my 5-year-old sense of humor, I'd have come up with something even more god-awful (and noxious!) than:

The Addams family started
When Uncle Fester farted
He farted through the keyhole
And paralyzed the cat….

*Ahem* Anywhore… on with the show…

Chapter Text

 

"The Von Karma Family"
(Sung to the snapping tune of
The Addams Family
theme song)

[Why Blaise Debeste and Damon Gant had to organize a mandatory joint karaoke night for the Prosecutor's Office and Police Department was beyond Manfred. Though knowing his friends, they put together this whole event just to spite him- just like that unholy 'vacation' back in 2008. It was bad enough that Manfred had to deal with these inferior detectives and prosecutors during working hours, but now he had to deal with them and their grating caterwauling.]

[However, the crème de la crème of the awfulness that was this evening was when Badd sauntered up onstage and requested to sing the theme song for "The Addams Family." But instead of singing the beloved television tune, the seasoned detective started singing his own lyrics.]


They're wicked and they're rigid,
Antisocial with hearts so frigid,
Their mission's all kinds of twisted,
The von Karma family.


In the courtroom, they show their passion,
With their outdated sense of fashion,
They know nothing of compassion,
The von Karma family.


Perfect.
Strict.
Convict.


So get a pressed cravat on,
And pray you don't get spat on,
'Cause we're gonna work on a case with,
The von Karma family!


["He got you good, Manny!" Gant chuckled as he clapped his hands, earning only a growl and a death glare from the 'perfect' prosecutor sitting next to him.]

Chapter 23: Objection, Your Honor!

Notes:

JP: It was my pleasure to Wright my two favorite Ace hunks (and a usually forgotten third musketeer – OT3?) a parody from my all-time fave Disney movie! This request is for RavenPuffPrefect1296 and all Wrightworth lovers (whether a bromance or romance) out there! Hope you likey! :)

CT: I swear, this project has felt like one big rollercoaster with how I take you to new lows with my typically darker material, while JP helps you touch the fluffy clouds with her usually lighthearted songs that make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. And I can say with absolute certainty that this song written by my brilliant, warmhearted cowriter is no different after reading the lyrics with a big grin on my face the entire time. The thought of young Phoenix and Edgeworth trying to pour the water of knowledge into the leaky jar of intellect that is Larry just fills me with so much glee.

Chapter Text

" Objection, Your Honor!"
(Sung to the tune of "Hakuna Matanta" from
Disney's
The Lion King)


 

[As 4 th  graders, it's recess time and Miles is excitedly rambling on about having just seen Gregory Edgeworth in action at the courthouse yesterday, much to his friends' visible disinterest because they're  9  – what do they care about courtrooms?]

[Little Miles gets all huffy and insists that seeing Daddy in action was The. Coolest. Thing. EVER and how when he's all grown up, he's gonna be a defense attorney just like him – and then  he  will also get the joy of pointing his finger and loudly shouting:  "Objection, Your Honor!"]


[PHOENIX]

Objection, Your Honor!
Such a commanding phrase!


[EDGEWORTH]

Objection, Your Honor!
*stretches out his index and glares*
With a steely gaze!


[PHOENIX]

It means "Oh heck no!"
To the DA's whole case!


[PHOENIX AND EDGEWORTH]

It's the lawfully philosophy
Objection, Your Honor!


[PHOENIX]

Objection, Your Honor!


[LARRY]

*confused*
Objection, Your Honor?


[EDGEWORTH]
*boasting*
Indeed. To be my axiom!

[LARRY]
*scratches his head*
AXE-IM?

[PHOENIX]
*joking tone as he smirks at Edgeworth*
AXE him?! Tempting, but it's still murder!


[EDGEWORTH]

*glares at Phoenix then turns back to Larry*
This war cry means I demand justice!


[PHOENIX]
That's right. Take Edgeworth here…
*sings*
Even though he's a Poindexter…

[EDGEWORTH]
*scowls*
A very proud Poindexterrrrrr!


[PHOENIX]
*snickers*
We know!

[EDGEWORTH]
*harrumphs*
Much obliged


[PHOENIX]

He found that the law held his ardor and zeal
Wanted to defend just like Daddy, Courtroom Man of Steel!


[EDGEWORTH]

Yes I'm studious, but for me law's no bore
Yet when I speak of it, my friends start to snore!


[EDGEWORTH]
*grits his teeth as Phoenix and Larry make mock snoring sounds*
Thisclose to profanity!

[PHOENIX]
*dramatically puts back of hand to his forehead*
Oh, the humanity!


[EDGEWORTH]
So much inanity!

[PHOENIX]
We're bored to insanity!


[EDGEWORTH]
Tried to be unaffected

[PHOENIX]
D'Aw! Didja feel rejected?


[EDGEWORTH]
*downcast*
I'd get so dejected…

[PHOENIX]
*puts a comforting arm around Edgeworth's shoulders*
Sorry, Edgy! You'll be more respected!

[EDGEWORTH]
*mumbles*
Thank you


[PHOENIX AND EDGEWORTH]

Objection, Your Honor!
Such a commanding phrase
Objection, Your Honor!
With a steely gaze!


[LARRY]

It means "Oh heck no!"

To the DA's whole case!


[ALL]

It's the lawfully philosophy

Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection, Your Honor!

Objection, Your Honor! Objection –


[Scene fades, until we're now in present day, with the three old friends drunkenly singing in a bar, with Larry sandwiched between legal legends Phoenix Wright and his courtroom rival, Miles Edgeworth, an arm slung around each of their shoulders]


[OLDER LARRY]

It means "Oh hell no!"
To defense's whole case!


[ALL]

It's the lawfully philosophy
Objection, Your Honor!

[repeat]


[EDGEWORTH]

*points his index at the Ace Defense Attorney with a smug grin*
I say, "Objection!"

[PHOENIX]
*points back at the Chief Prosecutor and winks back*
I say, "Your Honor!"

Chapter 24: Perfect Case

Summary:

CT: And here we have the first villain song parody featuring Franziska. And what better way to make Franziska villainous than by having her remind us all of how she's better than us in every way, shape, or form?

JP: Another movie I haven't seen but it's on my to-do list! I do however love the talented Tim Curry (who is unrecognizable from his "Rocky Horror Picture Show" drag queen days!) although for me he'll always be the evil Cardinal from "The Three Musketeers!" (Don't even get me started on his portrayal of the "It" clown) Hard to say which one was creepier between Pennywise and the character from this movie! Hope you enjoy Franny starring in a villainess tune! :)

Chapter Text

"Perfect Case"
(Sung to the tune of "Toxic Love" from
"FernGully: The Last Rainforest")

[After Blaise Debeste was arrested for killing Jill Crane, in addition to running black market auctions that sold evidence, Franziska work with Interpol was done. So with this task having been perfectly completed, the prosecuting prodigy decides to spend some time working in the L.A. Prosecutor's Office as a bit of a vacation since she finds the American justice system to be especially foolish. Though while Franziska doesn't want to admit it, it's obvious to everyone in the Prosecutor's Office that she's only working there so that she can spend some time with her 'little' brother after everything that he's been through recently.]

[However, if anyone dares to bring up those thoughts to Franziska- or even simply irritate her, for that matter- she'll respond with a rapid-fire barrage of variations of the word 'fool' and many painful lashes from her whip. Thus, the prosecuting prodigy has been facing few interruptions as she sits at her desk, looking over a case file while gleefully singing a song to express her sense of self-pride.]


[Speaks]
Let me prosecute this case!
No one's better at the subject!
After all, I'm perfect!


[Sings]
Deception and crime,
Murders so sloppy, defense attorneys so foolish.
The Detective obeys me, the Judge knows his place,
So they'll love my per-per-per-perfect case!


I visit many nations and the fools living in them,
With my perfection, I ensure a conviction to condemn,
My glory's growing with each perfect outcome,
And anyone who defies me will be whipped until they're numb.
And what a perfect justice system they've given me,
Rushed trials that force the foolish defense to beg and plea.


Guilty verdicts without doubt,
Piled before me like dinnertime sauerkraut.
I'm a von Karma, I'm a dynamo in the workplace,
So they'll love my per-per-per-perfect case!

Chapter 25: A Whole New Law

Summary:

JP: This is set post-SOJ after Nick's latest courtroom triumph as he pitted his life and wits against Her Malevolence. Now he's trying to convince his former Wright & Co. Office Manager to say yes to the coaxing of "Come Be My Girl"(my alternate song title of choice for his parody) in this new, non-corrupt Japalifornia legal system he's helped set up. Except for this time, he wants Maya back - as more than just his assistant …

This one's going out to every fellow Phaya lover out there! :)

CT: If you've read any of my co-writer's material, you probably knew that it was only a matter of time before we'd be posting a Phaya parody. Though like with all of her other Phaya stories, JP does a wonderful job in showing us just why Phoenix and Maya are Special Someones and have been aggressively shipped by Pearl since 2002.

Chapter Text

 

"A Whole New Law"
(Sung to the tune of "A Whole New World"
from Walt Disney's
Aladdin )


[Intro: Phoenix and Maya]

Maya: Argh! I was losing my mind today, with nothing to do but hope and pray! *puffs out cheeks* However did you do that?!

Phoenix: Do what?

Maya: How'd you manage to pull that log out of the fire?!

Phoenix: *smirks* It's my own brand of courtroom magic!

Maya: I - I'd gotten so used to seeing you defend – but at your side in court, where I could actually help you out! – Instead of so far away in the gallery!I felt so helpless!

Phoenix: You wouldn't...you wouldn't ever consider coming back as my legal assistant again, would you? We could create some serious waves, post Dark Age of the Law!

Maya: So the system is now … corrupt free?

Phoenix: You bet! Do you believe in me?

Maya: What?

Phoenix: Do you believe in me?

Maya: Yes...


[Verse 1: Phoenix]
I'll make justice unfurl
Flawed jurisdictions mended
Tell me, Master, when was the law
Last upon your side?


[Verse 2: Phoenix]

Little room for surprise
Same old courtroom inflections
Hold it's, Take That's, Objections
Cuz the truth can't be denied


[Refrain 1: Phoenix]
A whole new law
Vanquished the darkness you once knew
No further jails to know
More highs than lows
Nor frightened tears or screaming


[Refrain 2: Maya and Phoenix]
A whole new law
Fresh turnabouts begin anew
With you I'll have no fear
It's crystal clear
That I'm meant for a whole new law with you
(I'm meant for a whole new law with you)


[Verse 2: Maya]
Unbelievable bluffs
Magatamas be glowing
Smiling faces be showing
That we're on our client's side!


[Refrain 3: Maya and Phoenix]

A whole new law
(Don't you dare change your mind)
At Wright Anything Agency
(With you back; it'll be better)
Our trials are so bizarre
We raise the bar!
My heart says this is where I need to be


[Refrain 4: Phoenix and Maya]

A whole new law
(The DA's aren't bad guys)
New crimes and cases to pursue
(We're truth-seeking go-getters)
We'll be the justice pair
Make trials be fair
Let me share this whole new law with you


[Refrain 5: Phoenix and Maya]

A whole new law
(I'll be your squaw)
Together we'll be
(We're meant to be)
Eternal bliss
(Give me a kiss)
Forever thee


[Whispers] Maya: Goodnight, my Baron of Bluffing

[*Phaya kiss*]

Chapter 26: We All Have Dreams

Summary:

CzarThwomp: Despite not being based off an antagonist's song, this parody was a lot of fun to write. Only Kristoph would organize a prison-wide musical number to cheer up a guy solely because he was antagonistic towards Phoenix. But then again, based on how quickly and willingly the prisoners were to attempt to break out of their cells and team up to attack Edgeworth in "Imprisoned Turnabout", things like this probably aren't that unusual in Central Prison.

JP: I have seen Tangled, found it to be charming but slightly overrated, and have to give mad props to my talented copilot for actually making the forgettable songs much more memorable and enjoyable than the actual original! Who would've thought that the resident birdman/reverse panda would be included in a villain song reminiscent of the world famous "I have a dream speech?" 

Chapter Text

 

"We All Have Dreams"
(Sung to the tune of "I've Got A Dream"
from Disney's
Rapunzel)

[It's rec time at Central Prison and most of the prisoners are enjoying it in their own unique ways- some do exercise, some sneak off to place an order with the Supplier, and others trade stories about how Phoenix Wright got them arrested.]

[However, instead of enjoying the brief time out of his cell, Simon Blackquill spends it sitting on a bench off to the side with a cold, morose look on his face. But despite the Twisted Samurai's intimidating appearance, Kristoph isn't deterred from approaching the prosecutor with his usual grin.]


["Hello, Prosecutor Blackquill. Lovely day, isn't it?"]


["What do you want, Toothpick?" Simon growls.]

["Well, since you asked so nicely …You know your most recent trial where you
prosecuted that astronaut?"]

["The one that resulted in the destruction of Courtroom Number Four and Tonate
getting thrown in here in record time…"
 Simon gestures over to Tonate standing on the other
side of the area, who responds with only a slow wave.
"What about it?"]

["I heard through the grapevine that you fought against Wright in court earlier today and gave
him quite the hard time. Care to go into specific details about how my arch
enemy squirmed and struggled?"]

["I'm not in the mood." Simon curtly responds, turning his back to the former defense attorney.]

["Since when have you ever been the type not to relish in the misery of others?
Why, no one could stop you from telling us about how terrified Mr. Justice was back in April when you broke your shackles
after one of his bluffs; or in July, when Wright was traumatized by that writer's…wardrobe malfunction."
Kristoph chuckles. " The latter was especially delightful to hear."]

["Since I'm going to be put to death tomorrow, the girl who I sacrificed my life to protect is under arrest
for a crime that she didn't do, and that the Phantom is still on the loose.
My sacrifice and everything else I've done over the last seven years has all been in vain." Simon sullenly states.]

["Mr. Blackquill, as the man who ruined Wright's reputation and stalked him for seven years,
I know that anything is possible. And do you know why?]

["Because you had no hobbies, friends, or anything else of importance to lose?"
The Twisted Samurai wryly asks, earning him a scowl from Kristoph.]

["No. It's because anything is possible as long as you have a dream- something each and every one of us has."]

["Well then, Mr. Evidence-is-all-that-Matters, why don't you put your money where your mouth is and explain yourself?"]

["Oh, I will, Prosecutor Blackquill… in song." Kristoph smirks.]

["Oh, bugger…" Simon sighs with a roll of his eyes.]


{Kristoph}
I'm calm, collected, and smart,
My skills really set me apart,
Though my morality is quite questionable.
But despite my debatable flaws,
And my deep fascination with all laws,
I've always wished to be a Broadway singer.


Can't you picture me onstage singing ditties,
Filling the audience with glee?
While I loved being a lawyer,
I'm also a musical enjoyer,
Because everyone has dreams, I agree.
(We all agree!)
(We all agree!)
As you can see, I'm not all that beastly.
And while with revenge I'm a schemer,
You can say that I'm a dreamer,
Because we all dream, I agree.


[While the prisoners are singing, Fulbright watches scene from a security monitor in the prison's surveillance room as Tonate chimes in with his speech synthesizer.]

{Tonate}
I'M LANKY, SHORT, AND ALOOF,
WITH ISSUES THROUGH THE ROOF,
AND AN OBSESSION FOR ALL THINGS THAT GO BOOM!
BUT DESPITE MY BEADY EYES,
AND MY CREEPY, STOIC GUISE,
I WANT TO FILL THE DARK VOID IN MY HEART!

I YEARN TO FIND A GIRL I CAN CONNECT WITH,
SOMEONE WHO'S NOT DISTURBED BY MY HOBBIES.
THOUGH I KILLED A GIRL I LIKED,
I WON'T LET MY HEART GET PIKED,
BECAUSE EVERYONE DREAMS, I AGREE!
I AGREE,
(We all have dreams!)
I AGREE,
(We all have dreams!)
AND I BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY I'LL HAVE GLEE!
AND WHILE I MAY BE JAILED,
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I'VE FAILED,
FOR EVERYONE DREAMS, I AGREE!


{Random Prisoners}
Sahwit wants to get out and be an animal groomer.
Atmey studies chemistry after dark.
Gant swims in the pool,
Gustavia's candy will make you drool.
Means educates,
L'Belle ice-skates,
Wellington makes ceramic plates


{Kristoph}
And Tigre takes an interest in the stock market.

[The prisoners stop singing when they notice Elbird, who is disguised as a guard, walking towards the entrance to the prison.]

["Excuse me, Mr. Guard." Kristoph states as he and several other prisoners approach the disguised inmate. "What do you have to say regarding this matter?"]

["Me?" Elbird asks with a look of confusion.]

["YES. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM?" Ted types on his speech synthesizer with a stoic expression.]

["Sorry, guys. I've got things to do. So if you'll excuse me…"]

[Elbird tries to walk away, but is quickly stopped when the prisoners surround him and point makeshift shivs- except for Tonate, who pulls out a bomb made out of a bar of soap- at him.]


{Elbird}
I have a dream like yours, alright,
Though it's got a lot more might,
And involves me winning a big fight.
Within the boxing ring,
After a lot of prep and training,
I'll beat the heavyweight champ, aright!


{Blackquill}
Everyone has a dream,
(We agree!)
Everyone has a dream,
(We agree!)
Mine's to hear the Phantom's final scream.
After he's convicted at his trial,
I'm sure my sensei's ghost will smile.
We all have a dream, I agree.


{Everyone}
We all have dreams,
We agree!
We all have dreams,
We agree!
We're not all that different, don't you see?
We're like familyyyyyyyy!


Call us evil, crazy, opportunistic,
And eerily idealistic,
But we're proud to say we've all got dreams!
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
We agree,
That deep, down inside we've all got dreeeeeeeeams!
Yeah!

Chapter 27: (He's) Not The One I Dream Of

Notes:

JP: I know my last homage to Miego (Forever Thee) was depressing (and not just because of my Spanglish!) so consider this my atonement parody to our wonderful readers, which focuses on the earlier, more adorable days of this epic romance. It goes out to Aikoya and all Mia X Diego fans everywhere!

CT: For those of you who had a hard time reading my cowriter's last touching parody involving Mia and Diego on account of all the tears obscuring your vision, here's one that's a bit more upbeat. But even though this song's a whole lot happier, it still captures the feelings that Mia felt for her coworker that was as hot as the coffee he drank practically every second of the day.

Chapter Text

 

"(He's) Not The One I Dream Of"
(Sung to the tune of "I Won't Say I'm In Love"
from Disney's Hercules)


 

[A newly christened "kitten" at Grossberg Offices has been a case of the "lady doth protest too much" for the past month regarding her not so hidden ardor for a certain Rico Suave, Defense Lawyer to her starry-eyed baby sister and intellectually attractive BFF]

[Maya: That Diego is such a hunk! *swoons*]

[Mia: Hmph! That D stands for "Don" ... as in "Don Juan" - since he shamelessly tries to woo anything in heels! It's revolting!]

[Lana: Jealous much? I've never seen you get this worked up over a guy before, Mia! He may be a flirt - but he's totally hot for you! Why don't you just admit you're into him, too?]

[Mia: *huffs* I am NOT worked up, and I refuse to become yet another conquest for that blasted man!

[Lana + Maya: *smirk* Someone's got a serious case of denial!]

[Mia: ObjectionI have no interest in macho, womanizing, Latin lover types! Diego Armando doesn't do a damn thing for me!]


 

[Verse 1: Mia]

Were there a plaque for largest ego
I have no doubt he would win that
No skirt escapes all his flirtations
Except with me, they all tend to fall flat!


 

[Bridge 1: Maya & Lana]

Stop with the self-fibbing
Girl you like him say that you do
There's no point in lyin'
Honey we can tell that it's true!
(Oh nooo)
Mia just reveal it
There is no concealing
Who you're dreamin' of


 

[Chorus 1: Mia + Maya & Lana]

Enough, I say!
No confessions, no way!
(Why must you lie?)
(We know you're lovin' that guy!)
I must say nay!
He's not the one I dream of!


 

[Verse 2: Mia]

It can't be love, at most, obsession
I tend to smile when he's about
He makes me blush like I'm a school girl
I've said too much, I'd best shut my mouth!


 

[Bridge 2: Maya & Lana]

(Ohhh...)
We'll both keep on prying
Till you admit how you're feeling
No point falsifying
Cuz you find this man appealing
(Oh, no)
Own up like a big girl
That he makes those toes of yours curl
So gosh dang freaking bad!


 

[Chorus 2: Mia + Maya & Lana]

Enough, I say!
No confessions, no way!
(That sigh, that grin)
(You're one smitten kitten)

I won't be swayed!
He's not the one I dream of!
(But we insist)
(You two fit like a glove!)
That's not the case! Enough I say!
Look at this face! I won't confess!
(Girl, sing it loud!)
(He's the one you dream of!)


 

[End verse: Mia + Maya & Lana]

(Ohhh...)
I can't tell him
He's the one I dream of….
(Shoo do, shoo do, shoo do, shoo do)
(Sha-la-la-la la la, ahh)

 

Chapter 28: Edgey-Poo, I Love You!

Notes:

CT: If Edgeworth was part of Mystery Inc. and Oldbag was one of the creature they were investigating, he wouldn't stop her with any convoluted traps, but rather by jumping in the Mystery Machine and running her over until she stops moving. Either that, or Edgeworth would flee the scene so fast that it'd give Shaggy and Scooby a run for their money. But then again, can we blame Edgeworth? After all, none of the monsters in "Scooby-Doo" ever tried to get any of the protagonists to date them…

JP: This latest, sidesplitting earworm from H-E- Double Hockey Sticks goes out to Yanmegman. I hope you enjoy the hi-JINKIES of poor Miles yapping “ZOIKS!” as he peels out of there as though one of the toon monsters was actually on his tail!

Chapter Text

 

"Edgey-Poo, I Love You!"
(Sung to the tune of the original “Scooby-Dooby-Doo”
 TV theme song)



[On the side of a road on the outskirts of L.A., Edgeworth's sitting behind the wheel of his car with a scowl on his face. The back half of his vehicle is currently off the road, partially submerged in mud created by a recent rainstorm, which is why Gumshoe is currently pushing at the back bumper.]


["Mr. Edgeworth, mind telling me how you got your car stuck in the mud again?" Gumshoe asks, grunting and heaving as he tries to get his superior's car back on the road.]


["I don't want to talk about it, Gumshoe…" Edgeworth sighs with a slow shake of his head. "Let's just say that driving 70 mph while having a phone call with Franziska is a bad combination. But luckily for us, while you were traveling here, I called California Car Club to send down a tow truck. So if your efforts are fruitless, then worry not; for help shall be here in no time. In fact, I think I see the rescue party now." The maroon-cladded prosecutor smirks as he points to an oncoming tow truck which stops near the car.]


[However, Edgeworth's joy is short-lived when he learns who's driving the tow truck.]


["Don't worry, Edgey-poo! I'll save you!"
Oldbag squeals as she exits her vehicle.]


["Noooo! Why won't you leave me alone!?!" Edgeworth shrieks, reeling back in horror. "Keep pushing, Gumshoe! I'll be damned if I'm stuck on this godforsaken road with this decrepit harpy!"]


["Don't be so coy, Edgey-poo!" Oldbag chirps, blushing as she raises her clenched fists. "You don't have to play hard to get with me because…"]


 
Edgey-wedgey-poo, I love you!
We'll have the sweetest whoopee you knew



["Nnnnnggghhhhhoooooooo!!" Edgeworth screams, his saucer-sized eyes filled with terror as he repeatedly slams his foot on the gas pedal, but to no avail.]



Edgey-wedgey-poo, I love you!
We'll kiss and snuggle all night
Come on, Edgey-poo, I see you,
Trying to get that restraining order
But you're not fooling me, 'cause I can see,
What those bedroom eyes will deliver



You know we've got a real connection
So Ima make Edgey's loins quake!
Also, ache!



["Push, Gumshoe, push! Push as if your life depends on it!!" Edgeworth screams at Gumshoe, prompting the scruffy detective to push even harder on the car's back bumper.]



And, Edgey-poo, if you're nice,
You'll get yourself a special clambake.


Edgey-wedgey-poo, I need you!
You're looking so dapper and strong.
If you return my love, Edgey-poo,
We'll do many things that seem wrong!


 


[As if the universe heard Edgeworth's pleas for help and decided to throw him a bone, Gumshoe finally manages to push his superior's car back onto the road, allowing for the maroon-cladded prosecutor to speed away like a bat out of hell.]


 


["Edgey-poo, wait for me!" Oldbag squeals as she rushes back to her tow truck and drives after one of the many loves of her life in hot pursuit.]

 

Chapter 29: I Can Help Defend Them

Notes:

JP: Continuing on a Hercules roll, we now have another Mia-inspired song, by Nick mercifully ending his whinging, cringing Feenie days as he vows to prove to the woman who’d saved his neck from the gallows in court that day how the “P” on his sweater IS only for “Phoenix!”
Dedicated to loyal reader and friend Akoiya.

CT: Considering when this parody takes place, it really shows how Mia really helped Phoenix mature, since mere minutes ago he was in his "Dollie doesn't poop!" mentality. I bet dollars to doughnuts that Mia never let Phoenix live that trial down when he was working for her, bringing up that memorable quote and how he ate that bottle necklace whenever he thought he knew better than her. Though speaking of which, I bet Phoenix's next trip to the bathroom was mentally scarring, which would explain why he's so obsessed with keeping the office toilet clean.

Chapter Text

 “I Can Help Defend Them”
(Sung to the tune of “(I Can) Go the Distance”
From Walt Disney’s Hercules)


 

 As a young student

I fell far from grace

Till a legal hero

Came and saved me

And the courts became

Such a wondrous place

Inner voice keeps singing

This will be my destiny


 

I’ll be there someday

I can help defend them

She will guide my way

Help me to be strong

I know every trial

Will be worth my while

I will do most anything

Objections will be my song


[Mia: You’re going to be something, Phoenix. I’ll always believe in you.]


 

I won’t lag or stray

I can help defend them

I’ll work really hard

Although the path is long

I won’t lose my smile

That’s not defense style

I will prove to the whole world

That law’s where I belong


 

 I’ll win NOT GUILTY’s

I can help defend them

Show solid proof

When prosecution’s wrong

I’ll make Mia proud

I can help defend them

I’ll get my lawyer’s badge

Cuz court’s where I belong!

 

Chapter 30: You're Only Third-Rate

Notes:

CT: Fitting, a parody of a song from a third-rate sequel for a third-rate "Ace Attorney" villain. Too bad they didn't have Wellington sing something like this in "The Lost Turnabout". Otherwise, he could have actually been memorable.

JP: How fitting that a lackluster villain/large banana enthusiast stars in one of the most ho-hum Disney movies of all – the beast that began the horrible, shudder-worthy chain of (mostly direct to video!) sequel! I hope you guys enjoy this - because my co-pilot managed to make the parody more enjoyable and hopefully memorable than the film/original song!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

"You're Only Third-Rate"
(Sung to the tune of "You're Only Second-Rate"
from Disney's Return of Jafar)

 

I must confess,
Your bluffs are quite comedic.
I wager you'll say that the Earth is flat.


Now here's your chance to expose me,
Hope your evidence is feasible.
Come, Attorney,
Are you reasonable?


 

You've tried to press my testimony,
But you've just come off as a big phony.
To this court, I'll elate,
I must advocate,
You're only third-rate!


 You think you've got a shot,
But you're firing a blank.
How you got this far,
You've only got luck to thank.
So just so you know,
It's no debate,
You're only third-rate!


 Plebes quail,
At the scale,
Of my genius!
Colleges vie for my mighty first-rate mind.


 But if you doubt my wondrous splendor,
You've doomed your client friend!
Because this trial will soon come to a painful end!


 Go ahead and slam me with your turnabout,
Mock my eyesight,
Use a glove that's all worn out.
It'll be a cinch to deflate,
It's just your fate,
You're only third-rate!


 You see, your reasoning is paper-thin,
And you lack the mental capacity to win.
To your case, I'll negate,
As I restate,
You're only third-rate!


 Pourquoi tu as triste?
Because you'll be begging on your knees!
Tu ne connais pas,
How your cross-examination is one big gaffe!


 So spare me your finger-pointing,
For it's rather quite disappointing.
And I can barely wait,
To declare this checkmate!
Your case has been roasted,
And served on a plate!
You'd make a better living,
Selling fishing bait!
You're only third-rate!


 

["Very well, Mr. Wellington." The Judge states with a nod of his head as if this is an everyday occurrence for him."Mr. Wright, would you care to cross-examine the witness?"]

["S-Sure…" Phoenix stutters, hunched over as a few beads of sweat drip down his brow.]

 

 

Notes:

Translations:

"Pourquoi tu as triste?" = "Why are you sad?"
"Tuneconnais pas." = "You don't know."

Chapter 31: Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)

Notes:

JP: Following the trail of a fourth-rate criminal of a third-rate film, sung by a second-rate Disney villain, it gives me much pleasure to cover the criminally underrated, first-rate detective pal to all, Gumshoe! With the wonderful reception we got for my partner's TV parodies, I'm hoping to be so lucky with my own take of our third television theme song, this one from the iconic, ever-catchy DuckTales series. In spite of being Canadian guys, I am NOT apologizing for any lingering earworms this song causes! (Feel free to sing along loud and proud to this one – everybody knows the timeless melody!) :)

CT: Scrooge McDuck is the world's richest duck, so how about we tackle the other end of the spectrum and focus on the world's poorest detective? With how Gumshoe remains so determined and happy-go-lucky despite everything he's been through, he more than deserves his own theme song.

Chapter Text

 

"Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)"
Sung to the theme tune of Disney's
DuckTales (2017)

["Stop being such a stick in the mud, Edgeworth!" Phoenix cajoled the unsmiling prosecutor. "You know that I know that you know that I know that you at least owe this much to your subordinate!"]

["Come on, Mr. Edgeworth!" Maya coaxed, nudging the cravat-wearing man in the ribs. "It's not like our pal is asking for much in return for saving the day… Just one little theme song to be sung in his honor!"

["I refuse to partake in such cockamamie nonsense, Miss Fey." Edgeworth stubbornly folded his arms across his chest, his granite expression resembling one of the stone faces of Mount Rushmore. "I am most grateful to Detective Gumshoe for saving the day by giving you two the metal detector, which ended up convicting Manfred Von Karma. However, I am an esteemed High Prosecutor, hence must maintain the dignity of my office…"]

[Gumshoe simply eyed affixed his superior with the mother of all wounded puppy dog expressions, prompting Edgeworth to finally shut his eyes and heave a long-suffering sigh.]

["Very well. Perhaps … I can sing the background chorus if it pleases you all…"]

["Perfect!" Maya chirped, thrusting the karaoke microphone at him. "Nick, Larry and I will do all the main verses… All you need to do in the background is sing 'Gumshoe… (Whoooooop!)' alright?"]

["Whoooooop! Detective Gumshooooe?" Edgeworth looked pained. "I feel so bloody foolish…]

["Too late, Edgey!" Larry guffawed loudly, clapping the stoic man on the back. "You've already agreed to it!"]

["Also, it's not 'Whoooooop! Detective Gumshooooe', Edgeworth." Phoenix smirked at his courtroom rival. ["It's Gumshoe… (Whoooooop!)"]

["How nice of you to clarify the order, Wright. That's now much more dignified!"]

["Let's rock this place!" Maya cut in, winking at the beaming, scruffy flatfoot in the audience as she grabbed her mike. "Gumshoe, pal, this one's for you!"]


Life is pure financial strain
Under Edgeworth
Investigating every day
Crimes to unearth!
Living on Ramen
Is the plight of this lawman


Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


(Whoooooop!)


Just when crook's about to leave
And go walk free
Finds last-minute evidence
Proof he's GUILTY!


Stumbles along the way
But always saves the day!


Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


(Whoooooop!)


He's a bumbler that's nothing new
But a true pal, loyal to you!
In the end, we love that big lug


Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)


Day by day he's chasing bad guys
Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)
Leaking privy deets to defense
Villains all fail, justice prevails
Dick Gumshoe (Whoooooop!)

Chapter 32: Never Collaborate with Blaise Debeste

Notes:

CT: A big thanks to LemonSmoothie for suggesting this song idea about our favorite despicable P.I.C. and his crocodile tears. This parody was such a blast to write, especially when I'd watch the video for the song and imagining Blaise moving and grinning exactly like Tick-Tock! Though speaking of Blaise, regarding our previous discussion about headcanon voices for him, Harry Shearer's Mr. Burns voice just entered my mind as a potential candidate.

JP: Those of you who haven't played Miles 2 will at least want to check out the images/video plays of the sole female judge in the AA universe, whose gravity-defying pneumatic chest which tends to accompany the noticeable extension of an already obscenely long… GAVEL, you pervs! Said Mia equivalent bust may have the same effect on men but is not to be all eclipsed by her OVERRULED! Catchphrase! Once again my partner brilliantly captures the evil of the pyromaniac with this brilliant parody of a song I'd forgotten about entirely about, pertaining a villain even more diabolical than a certain handless scallywag who wants to commit infanticide!

Chapter Text

 "Never Collaborate with Blaise Debeste"
{Sung to the tune of "Never Smile at a Crocodile"
from Disney's 
Peter Pan)

 

[In the P.I.C. meeting room, Justine is alone as she organizes a few files to help Sebastian effectively handle the murder case of Horace Knightly. Sure, Sebastian may be a bit egotistical despite how… slow he is, but despite how irritating he can be, no one can deny that the boy pours his heart and soul into everything he does. So it's only fair to Sebastian that Justine displays the same determination in regards to helping him formulate a case that sounds at least semi-competent.]

[But as Justine is busy looking over a few details, she is interrupted as Jill Crane enters the room.]


["Ah, there you are, Judge Courtney. I've been meaning to talk to you," Jill states,
closing the door behind her before walking over to her fellow P.I.C. member.]

["About what?"  Justine asks, giving her colleague her full attention as she puts
down the file that she's currently reading.]

["It's about your current partnership…" Jill scans the room,
making sure that no one else is present.
"With the boy."]

["Sebastian?" Justine questions, cocking her head off to the side in confusion.
"I know that he may come across as a bit arrogant at times,

but he's been developing as a prosecutor, albeit very slowly."]

["It's not the kid I'm worried about, it's you. By helping that kid
with this case, you're getting dangerously close to his father."]


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
No one can be friends with Blaise Debeste.
Don't ever fall for his crocodile tears,
'Cause his evil truly has no rivals or peers.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
He'll kill all you love with such great zest.
With him don't have lunch, don't have tea,
Say y'know, or y'see,
'Cause there's no soul in that devil known as Blaise Debeste.


["I'm sorry. Isn't that what we had in mind when we joined the P.I.C.?
We wanted to keep tabs on Blaise Debeste so that we could
finally acquire the evidence needed to bring him to justice."]

["Yes, we can't avenge my beloved Jack without being in this den of evil,
but there's such a thing as getting too close. It's one thing to attend meetings
and talk about legalities with that weepy crocodile, but it's a whole different
story when you're rubbing elbows with his mentally-challenged
demon spawn. Blaise Debeste is like black hole- devoid
of light and ensures that anything that gets too close to him is never seen again."]

["Ok, now you're overreacting." Justine nonchalantly states with a stoic expression.]

["Am I? Am I!?" Jill angrily exclaims with wide, unblinking eyes.
"Jack had no relationship to Blaise whatsoever, yet he 'disappeared'
simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time!
You've seen how that psychopath treats his own son, so what makes you
think he won't make you 'disappear' the second that
little idiot completely botches everything up?"]


You can be stoic, no debate,
And in intellect so very first-rate,
But there's sometimes a special case, I shall place,
To act on emotion.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
So many people disappear because of Blaise Debeste.
Don't lower your guard around that shark-toothed grin,
'Cause that husk of a man is only filled with sin.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
Or under a car, you'll surely be appressed.
Don't trust that maniac, just run,
Watch your back, not his son,
'Cause there's not one shred of remorse in Blaise Debeste.


["Sebastian may be a bit of a slow learner, but he always puts 101 percent
of his mind and body into whatever task he's given."
 Justine retorts with a fierce glare.
"That's why I'm here- to organize the evidence and facts of the case in a
way that will allow for Sebastian to succeed."]

["Trust me, Courtney; you'd be better off just chucking those files out the window.Jill scoffs.
"The only thing that kid is 'the best' at is obfuscating the truth. For all you know, Blaise
is using his son to spy on you, just as you're using
the kid to get information on him."]

["Sebastian can't remember what a metal detector is. Do you honestly expect him to
relay coherent information to his father? Not to mention, given the interactions
I've witnessed between the two of them, I find it hard to believe that Chairman Debeste
would
 trust his son's findings even if they were spot-on."]

["Fine. If you want to play with fire by being that kid's babysitter,
who am I to stop you...?"
 Jill lets out an exasperated sigh.
"But before I go, let me just give you a bit of advice…"]


Your cause might be just,
And feelings fill you with disgust,
But there's sometimes a special case, I shall place,
To act on emotion.


For example:

Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
No one ever wins when dealing with Blaise Debeste.
Don't ever think he's soft for being weepy,
'Cause that guy's got a thousand layers of insanity.


Never collaborate with Blaise Debeste,
He'll treat you no better than the rest.
With him don't laugh, don't relax,
Don't prepare for small talk, only attack,
'Cause that bastard ensures things go well only for Blaise Debeste.

 

Chapter 33: Thief Like Me

Notes:

JP: This was the hardest song parody I've written to date, what with the different paces and pitches done by the late, great Robin Williams, and as one of the most iconic Disney songs ever, especially from its 90's golden era, I wanted to do it justice! I hope you guys enjoy the antics of a certain plucky "Great Thief Yatagarasu" Volun-TOLD a certain stoic prosecutor, after rescuing him post Kidnapped Turnabout from AA1, that he was now never gonna rid of her because she was now his new assistant - whether he liked it or not! XD

This goes out to FloraAlice, Akoiya, PurpleHoodedAngel, JoeClone (and his baby bro)

CT: Edgeworth can honestly say without a doubt that he's never had a friend like Kay. For one thing, she's the only girl that's not Oldbag or his adoptive sister who actively seeks to be around him. Plus, Kay is the only assistant in the history of the series that the protagonist has to worry about gaining a criminal record outside of crimes they were framed for. But even though Edgeworth and Kay are so starkly different from each other- he's a serious, introverted prosecutor and she's a bubbly, extroverted self-proclaimed thief- but they have a great relationship and a synergy to match that could give Phoenix and Maya's a run for its money. So does it surprise you that my co-pilot wrote a parody starring Kay that oozes friendship and Edgeworth coming to the slow realization that he has a new assistant?

Chapter Text

 

"Thief Like Me"
Sung to the tune of "Friend Like Me"
from Disney's 
Aladdin

[Miles: Now then, thank you for rescuing me Kay, but I really do need to be moving along … Wait why you following me?]

[Kay: Just where do you think you're going, buster? You can't just take off on your assistant all willy-nilly! Is this the way you thank me for helping you escape from being kidnapped?]

[Miles: Assistant? Nonsense! I don't have an assistant! I already have an overenthusiastic bumbler of a detective who considers himself to be my right-hand man… ]

[Gumshoe: Hey!]

[Miles: *ignores him* Ergo, I do not need to be babysitting a childlike miscreant, aka a self-proclaimed "Great Thief" on top of that!]

[Kay: I'm not that kind of thief Mr. Edgeworth! Like the great Byrne Faraday before me… I only steal the truth… This Yatagarasu will be an invaluable asset to you!]

[Miles: What's this? The truth?]

[Gumshoe: Yatagarasu?]

[Kay: Good sir, I don't think you're fully grasping what "a steal" you've got here. So why don't you just chillax whilst I lay the facts about your new priceless sidekick?]


Well it's the truth I'm a great thief
And the type that'll never fail
Your luck's changed like you won't believe
Here to ensure you'll always prevail!
A legend's got your back now
Some say I'm quite the champ
My badass skills will have you WOWED!
I'm a ninja girl, I ain't no vamp
Kay Faraday!


Mr. Miles Edgeworth sir
I'm your new sidekick, see?
No limits or borders
Stop that frown!
You will never find a thief like me!
Ha ha ha


Life's a big turnabout, can make you feel dizzy!
This sidekick you would wanna flaunt
You will never find a thief like me


Good sir, just call I'm at your service
What a team we'll make, huzzah!
It's my true wish to serve justice
It's enough to make you shout hurrah!


I'll be your extra hand, can even help Gummy!
L'il Thief's so good, to be da hood
You will never find a thief like me!


Won't be dismissed
So yeah take that!
When things are amiss
Be there in seconds flat!
I'll show you proof
Let's make this clear
This Yatagarasu's quite the trip
Makes shady guys quiver with fear!


Don't you object or try to hide
Cuz I got sleuthing flare!
You got me by your side, certified
I'm the loyal gal who's always there
Don't matter if you protest or shout
So what's next case? I really wanna know
You got a list that's three miles long no doubt
Get on your feet, ready, set, let's go... and oh


Mr. Miles Edgeworth, sir, we both know you need me!
In depths of night where no birds dare flight
You won't ever find a thief, never find a thief
You won't ever find a thief, never find a thief
You won't ever… find a… thief… like me


You won't ever find a thief like me, hah!

*bows while Gumshoe applauds*

Chapter 34: Don't Deceive Me

Notes:

CT: With how much emphasis Shelly places on trust, as well as the fact that I saw a "Phoenix Wrong" of the "Ace Attorney" villains singing "It's Our House Now" with him playing the role of Kaa, I felt that this song would be the perfect fit for our favorite assassin. Plus, after the events of "Farewell, My Turnabout", I can't help but picture Shelly slowly killing Matt by strangling him with his legs.

We'd like to thank chloemcg for submitting the idea for this parody, whose favorite villain plays a starring role.

JP: Ugh how fitting to have a serpentine starring song featuring pretty boy/putrid little c*ck snorkeler Engarde, and even though he's not the one singing these lyrics to yet another song I'd forgotten about until my talented partner brilliantly parodied it, his slick and slimy personality still shines through nevertheless! We hope you enjoy your request milady!

Chapter Text

 

"Don't Deceive Me"
Sung to the tune of "Trust In Me" from
Disney's The Jungle Book


 

[Matt Engarde never thought that he'd find himself, Mr. Refreshing-like-a-Spring-Breeze, standing in a rundown part of town in the dead of night in front of a dark alleyway. But then again, Matt also didn't think that Corrida would be such a thorn in his side for so many years. So after letting out a quick sigh, the celebrity knocked on the brick wall of a nearby building in an oddly specific fashion, one that was specified to him over the phone by the man he was there to meet.]

[And sure enough, after the final knock on the wall, the dark alley was illuminated by a single shinning circle, followed by an eerily soothing voice.]

["Mr. Matt Engarde, I presume." The voice stated.]

["Yeah, Dude." The celebrity replied in the typical airheaded fashion he dealt with all people. "And are you, like, de Killer?"]

["Indeed I am." The voice said before its speaker stepped into the light, allowing Matt to see the man's slender form which was dressed in a nice suit that perfectly complimented the monocle on his left eye. Though Shelly's most noticeable feature was the line of stitches running right down the center of his face from his forehead to his chin, resembling some kind of mask that could be unzipped and removed at a moment's notice"You mentioned over the phone that you wish for me to dispose of a man by the name of Juan Corrida, correct?"]

["Yeah, dude! He needs to die because-"]

["I do not need to know your motives behind wanting to see this man dead, Mr. Engarde." Shelly politely stated, cutting off his potential client midsentence. "As an assassin, my only goal is to kill my target and ensure that my client faces no negative repercussions. Though there is one thing that I ask of you, Mr. Engarde…"]

["What, dude?"  Matt asked, cocking his head to the side in confusion, to which the assassin responded by singing in a clam, yet threatening tone.]


Don't deceive me,

Don't betray me.

Just sit back,

And put your faith in me.


You won't have,

Someone to rue,

After I,

Am through.


If you know integrity and honor,

You have nothing to fear.

But if you double-cross me,

Your end's near.


Don't deceive me,

Don't betray me.

Just sit back,

And put your faith in me…


["You see, Mr. Engarde, nothing angers me more than a traitor. And if I were to discover that you had the gall to do just that to me, then… well, let's just say that it wouldn't end well for you. So, do I have your word that you will be as loyal to me as I will be to you?" Shelly asked, extending his hand out.]

["Yeah, totally! You can definitely count on me!" Matt grinned as he shook the assassin's hand while holding his free one behind his back with his index and middle fingers crossed.]

Chapter 35: My Beautiful Iris

Notes:

JP: After a sinister song starring a steel-cold assassin and his slimy reptile Judas client, I thought we could use a dash of L'amour and in this case, mi amigo Injusticeforall also happened to be a Larris fan, and asked for a song dedicated to the pairing, while PurpleHoodedAngel requested this song. I hope you enjoy the case of a certain shy, fair maiden and her clownish knight in paint-speckled armor!

CT: For those of you who are fans of JP's works, you're probably aware that she has been very kind to Larry by shipping him with Iris and even having him married to her in a few of her fanfics. So it should come off as no surprise that she has done a wonderful job with this parody in which Larry shows the softer side of his personality that doesn't result in a trial, investigation, or regular conversation ending with a massive headache and a strong desire to kick some Butz.

Chapter Text

 


"My Beautiful Iris"
Sung to by a smitten Larry trying to woo a certain shrine maiden
to the tune of "Ma Belle Evangeline"
from Disney's  The Princess and the Frog


[Iris: You've had so many other lovers, Lawrence. How can I ever believe that you mean what you say when you claim to love me, now?]

[Larry: Milady, Katty Tom, Banjolina and Keyance, they meant nothing to me! None of them could hold a candle to you! Iris Hawthorne, only you, and you alone have everything I will ever want!]

[Iris: *looks away shyly* I want to believe you… I really do…]

[Larry: If you don't believe my words, then hear the music of my heart… *strums his lute and starts to sing*]


[Larry]

You mean the world to this guy
My beautiful Iris
So out of my league, I sigh
Yet in her hands, my heart will ever be


So kind, so pure, my beauty queen
Lucent eyes shine so bright
Light up, the night


Could one as perfect as she
Accept a bum like me
The woman of my dreams is thee
Most precious gem I've ever seen
Oooh, yeah!


I'd be dutiful
Cuz she's magical
She has everything
I would need
Milady…


You mean the world to this guy
I love you, my sweet lady


[Iris: Oh, Lawrence…. *stares up into his face with misty eyes* You really did mean all that, didn't you? ]

[Larry: From my heart to yours. *places her hand over his chest* I love you, my beautiful Iris]

[Iris: And my heart belongs to only you, Lawrence Butz]

*Larris kiss*

Chapter 36: How We Stick Around

Notes:

CT: TheFreelancerSeal, your suggestion for this parody has reminded me of a question that has been bugging ever since I first played "Apollo Justice": How has Winston Payne been able to keep his job for so long? He acts like a weenie, dresses like a weenie, came up with a horrible name for a weenie, and has lost nearly every case we've seen him prosecute. In fact, his only successful case was Maggey's bogus trial that led to the events of "Recipe for Turnabout" that Tigre was intentionally trying to lose. Granted, every prosecutor we've seen in the series has lost at least once, but Winston constantly loses to attorneys who have absolutely no experience. As for Gaspen, since his first appearance is in "Dual Destinies", we have absolutely no idea of how long he was working at the L.A. Prosecutor's Office. He could have been working there for about a year, as my wonderful cowriter believes, or he could have been there for about as long as Winston and was just as unnoticeable. Though no matter how long Gaspen was working in the same building as Edgeworth, I think we can all agree that he was nothing but a real Payne and that he wasn't fired soon enough.

JP: Kudos to my friend and loyal reader for this choice of (obscure) tune/flick, as I'd never heard of either till now, but not only is it unique it's also pretty creepy seeing as how it's a song by a bunch of Weasel characters… And who better to fit the role than Tweedle Screechy and Tweedle Slimy? Props to my partner for purposefully encompassing the hilarious Payne Edgeworth endured witnessing this duet!

Chapter Text

 

"How We Stick Around"
Sung to the tune of  "Secret of Survival (in a Very Nasty World)”
from Disney’s The Wind in the Willows

 

["You wanted to see me, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?" Gaspen nervously asks as a police officer escorts him into the courthouse lobby after his failed attempt to flee the building.]

 

["Yes." Edgeworth curtly responds with crossed arms. "I want to talk to you about-"]

 

["Hello, Gaspen. Sorry I'm late." Winston states, inadvertently cutting off his superior as he walks into the building. "Traffic was a nightmare, and Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth has been bogging me down with work and being a real pain in my - Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, fancy seeing you here! Is that a new cravat you're wearing?" The older Payne brother asks with his hands folded together and an anxious smile on his face when he notices the maroon-cladded prosecutor's presence and tries to make up for the comment he was about to utter.]

 

["What are you doing here, Winston?" Edgeworth sighs in exasperation at the fact that he now has to deal with double the Payne.]

 

["I knew that my brother had a trial today. So I figured that after he was done, we could go out for lunch. Care to join us, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth?" Winston confidently asks as he taps his forehead.]

["As much as I would love to give you a snide remark about how I'd rather do anything else, Winston, I currently have more pressing matters to attend to in the form of your brother's performance- namely, his use of forged evidence in court and how he ruthlessly badgers witnesses."]

 

["Objection!" Gaspen hisses. "Sometimes it's necessary to get a guilty verdict by any means possible. Look at what Wright did with Gavin last year."]

 

["I agree with my brother, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth." Winston chimes in. "I was there when Mr. Wright manipulated his attorney to use forged evidence to save himself and convict Mr. Gavin. So if you want to punish my brother, you should also punish Mr. Wright."]

 

["I could spend hours discussing how Wright's use of forged evidence is entirely different, but I digress…" Edgeworth states as he adjusts his glasses. "Even when you utilize fake evidence and seriously stack trials in your favor, Gaspen, you still somehow manage to lose almost as often as your brother, who has never used questionable tactics even once during his career. In fact, after reviewing your work history for the last ten years, I discovered that you've actually lost more cases than him!" The maroon-cladded prosecutor exclaims. "How you two are still prosecutors after all of these years is beyond me."]

 

["Well…" Gaspen smirks.]


 

{Gaspen and Winston}

First you face us,

Then you don't.

Want a rematch?

We think you won't.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office. 

Facing rookies,

That's our choice,

And when they lose,

We rejoice.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.


["Seriously?" Edgeworth asks with a look of disdain on his face. "Are your jobs really so challenging that you have to stoop that low?"]

["They are indeed that tough, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth…" Gaspen smirks as he taps his toupee.]


 

{Gaspen and Winston}

Tougher than anything you could know.


 

{Gaspen}

At the trial's start,

To its very end,


 

{Winston}

Bluffing attorneys,

Around every bend,

-

{Gaspen and Winston}

Eager to object,

Ruining your case while putting on a show.


 

{Gaspen}

If we don't do what we do,

Then how are we supposed to grow?


 

{Gaspen and Winston}

Every prosecutor in court's got to watch out for themselves.

We don't have loyal lackeys or assistants who'll help us excel,

When we're in the courtroom,

Where everyone makes our lives a living hell when they scream at us and yell! 

First you face us,

Then you don't.

Want a rematch?

We think you won't.

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office.

Facing rookies,

That's our choice,

And when they lose,

We rejoice.

That's how we stick around,

That's how we stick around,

That's how we stick around in the Prosecutor's Office!


 

-

["I look forward to your next month's salary assessment." Edgeworth coldly states, not wasting any time or pulling any punches as he glowers at the younger Payne brother, prompting the toupee-wearing prosecutor to reel back in shock.]

 

["Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Gaspen shrieks as he sprints out of the courthouse while trying his hardest to keep his toupee from flying off his head.]

 

["Gaspen, wait for me!" Winston screams as he chases after his brother.]

 

[Not long after the Payne brothers flee from the courthouse, the police officer who had escorted Gaspen to the Chief Prosecutor speaks up.]

 

["Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, don't forget that you have an interview with a reporter in Defendant Lobby Two."]

 

["Thank you, officer. Hopefully, they won't be as much of a Payne to talk to." Edgeworth sneers with outstretched arms.]

 

Chapter 37: Objections

Notes:

 

JP: Miles is my fave Prosecutie, and has the best character development in the entire series, in my opinion. He's come such a long way from his original DB debut! But still, I'd like to think even though he was brainwashed into being a hubristic Manfred clone, he still had a bit of a conscience for what he'd become, what with being called "Demon Prosecutor" and falling as far from Gregory's exemplary ways as possible. I think his change of heart truly began after running into Nick again in the first game all those years later and hearing his old childhood friend lament how much Miles had "changed."

This request goes out to our wonderful loyal new reader Teardrop1013 on A03 :)

CT: While Edgeworth may have a stoic exterior, beneath his death glare and cravat are tremendous feelings of regret, guilt, and sorrow. Think about it- Edgeworth spent 15 years believing that he killed his father- a man who he loved and admired with all of his heart- and went against everything the man stood for by becoming a prosecutor as ruthless as his murderer. But arguably, the worst part of it all was when the truth was revealed to Edgeworth and he was faced with the dilemma of what to do next. Should he remain as a prosecutor, try to move past this or become a defense attorney like his father and fix his mistakes, or some combination of the two? That's another reason why I love "Investigations 2"- it gives us an insight to the kinds of emotional struggles that Edgeworth has been dealing with since the end of the first game. And it's these emotional struggles that my wonderful cowriter perfectly captures in this parody.

Chapter Text

 

[Phoenix: "I just don't get it, Edgeworth, how you're now this… this coldhearted prosecutor who couldn't care less that he may be convicting innocent defendants and only care about winning! Why this drastic turnabout in character? You used to be such a good guy, who used to dream of being a defense attorney, just like your father!"]

*At the mention of Gregory Edgeworth, a pang flashes through the prosecutor, which he skillfully hides with his typical stoic air of ennui as the defense attorney earnestly continues.*

[Phoenix: "That boy who defended me all those years ago… where is he now? How did you come to be like this? What happened to you?"]

[Edgeworth: *clutches his arm and turns away* "Grow up Wright! It's been 15 years, and we're not 9-year olds anymore! People change. I've changed. Deal with it!"]

[Phoenix: *shakes his head mournfully* "If this is who you truly are now, Edgeworth, a man more obsessed with perfect conviction records than the truth, then I'm going to go home now and mourn the loss of that little boy I once knew - and the man I thought he'd become. See ya."]

*walks away sadly and exits through the courtroom doors, leaving the prosecutor alone in the hallway*

[Edgeworth: *steels his jaw* "Obviously Wright hasn't changed at all! He's still the same naïve, jejune simpleton he was as a schoolboy, preaching about this so-called "truth" of his… *sees a court officer goggling at him after witnessing the lawyers' exchange, and feeling flustered, subjects the poor man to his trademark glare* And just are you looking at, you fool?"

*Bailiff scampers off in terror from the Demon Prosecutor's deathly stare and Edgeworth sighs heavily as he pushes open the door to the empty men's room, staring at himself in the mirror*

[Edgeworth: "Yet another person swiftly judging me and mentally condemning me. I should be used to it by now. I've tried to convince myself I don't care what Wright, or anyone, thinks! So why does it hurt so damn much?"]


 

"Objections"
Sung to the tune of "Reflections" from
Disney's Mulan
(Christina Aguilera version)

 

 

[Edgeworth]

Gawk at me
You may think you know
What I truly am
But none see the true me


 

Was raised this way
Not born like this from the start


 

Such a shame
Few see past my mask
So I fall in role
And I'm forced to play the part


 

Who was I born to be?
Heir of the great Gregory?
When will my objections prove
What I try to hide?


 

What would Dad
Think of what I have
Now become?
Prosecutor Demon?


 

Thought to be
From the Netherworld
They don't know my heart
Or that it's all one big sham


 

Who was I born to be?
Heir of the great Gregory?
Why must my objections bare
A man I don't know?


 

All this time I'm dead inside
From these tears my heart has cried
When will my objections
Prove what I try to hide?


 

There's a part which no one sees
Deep inside
Dad would be so ashamed
And I know why


 

His legacy so long concealed
I am naught but a heel
All that he had ever been
I've gone and brushed aside


 

I don't defend man's crimes
I jail them for all time


 

When will my objections prove
What I try to hide?
When will my objections prove
What I try to hide?


 

[Edgeworth: *bangs his head softly against the glass* Oh, Father. What would you think of me now? Is there any validity to Wright's words? What are these unnecessary feelings of uncertainty and doubt that foolish man has reawakened within me?!"]

 

Chapter 38: Inga's King of Khura'in

Notes:

CT: At one point when I was writing "The Imperial Daddy", LemonSmoothie brought up how they imagine Inga having Jim Cunning's Pete voice- something that I agree with after seeing how similar Pete's voice is to the one I use when writing for Inga, as well as how Pete's relationship with Maleficent in "Kingdom Hearts 2" is eerily similar to our favorite Minister of Justice's marriage to Ga'ran. So when JP and I started this fanfic, one of the first things I did was look up songs sung by Pete, and the second I saw "Pete's King of France" and heard the lyrics, I knew that this song was made for Inga and that it would be a crime if I didn't write this parody.

JP: Inga is the epitome despicable, nefarious and abominable as a human being and (if you read CT's works, according to the Bloodthirsty Spider,, as a husband!) and those are his better qualities! However, as is tradition, anything my co-pilot touches turns to hilarity, and this is no exception. Also, it made me watch the movie, which was beyond adorable! :)

Chapter Text

 

"Inga's King of Khura'in"
Sung to the tune of "Petey's King of France" from Disney's
Mickey, Donald, and Goofy: The Three Musketeers

 

Some say I'm nasty and crass
That I'm rude, and an ass.
You wanna know why I'm a prick,
Here's my reason why:


 

After my marriage was forced,
Wifey yelled:

{Mocking Ga'ran's voice}
Why me?
He's such a bother!
Holy Mother,
His manhood's a little flea!


 

{Mocking Amara's voice}
Inga's brutish,
He's a slob,
He's an impious, foolish snob.


 

Shut up, in-law,
'Cause I'll claw,
To get what I want!


 

So I'm a jerk,
So I'm mean,
I'll be king,
And'll be seen!
You'll be dead,
After I overthrow that cantankerous queen!
Ha!


 

If ya can't be nice,
Be feared.
Don't take follies twice,
Have 'em speared.
Rule with an iron fist,
And you'll surely be revered.


 

I'm so excited,
I feel wise,
And with my spies,
I'll surely rise!


 

I'll pull the strings,
Give me nice things,
'Cause Inga's King of Khura'in!


 

I'll pull the strings,
Give me nice things,
'Cause Inga's King of Khuraaaaaaaaaa'in!


 

["Hey, why are you all laughing?!"]

 

Chapter 39: Les Garçons

Notes:

JP: Back to school/end of summer, as we now see you in September! New season, new month – perfect time for funny man and I to switch it up and do a couple more "opposite spectrum songs" as requested by readers, as in, I throw a couple of villain songs into the mix to change things up for this next round, and next chapter, we once again get to see CT's softer side in song-fics.
My readers who've read Turnabout Everlasting (it's back this month – so help me God!) have equally been groaning/grinning at my own portrayal zee man of disturbing torso wriggling, Jean Armstrong in the story. Moreover, my pal/loyal reader TheFreelancerSeal had no qualms letting me know that reading about the man who butchered French as much as Redd White did English, quite often made his own lunch want to come up and take a bow! That's why when Seal asked me to parody the famous "villainous chef" tune through the eyes of a poor crab, I HAD to use the phony Frenchman because I'm evil like that! XD
CT: After reading several comments we've received after "Edgey-poo, I Love You!", I feel that it's only right to warn you that this parody contains large quantities of Jean Armstrong, which has been linked to symptoms including but not limited to, stomach nausea, a phobia of the color pink and/or Franglish, and a strong desire to jump off a cliff. If you experience any of these symptoms, consult your a doctor or local bartender immediately.
But seriously, JP outdid herself with this parody. I thought I reached the apex of twisted songs with "Edgey-Poo, I Love You!", but JP managed to reach that apex and crash through the ceiling with the big pink creampuff cannonball that we all know and cringe at. If Phoenix heard Jean say all those things to him, it explains why he was so willing to run across that burning bridge to save Maya. As for Godot, he probably missed being in a coma with each passing second.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

[The following singing witness testimony of one, Jean Armstrong, sole proprietor and chef of the restaurant Trés Bien, has been stricken from the court records of the State vs. Maggey Byrde trial by unanimous decree of His Honor, Jughead Chambers, The Prosecution, Defense Counsel and Detective in charge. This was due to the reasons of Mr. Godot nearly choking on his own hot beverage, Mr. Wright suffering insurmountable nausea, and Detective Gumshoe alarmingly declaring he’d never eat again, despite existing entirely on a diet consisting of nothing but Ramen noodles. This transcript is the only known remaining copy]


 

"Les Garçons"
Sung to the tune of "Les Poissons"
from Disney's The Little Mermaid

 

[Armstrong]

Les garçons, les garçons
How I love les garçons
Monsieur Wright, such a delightful dish!
Hair like midnight silk threads
Makes me shiver and moan
Oh oui, il est toujours délicieux


Les garçons, les garçons
Hee hee hee, hohn hohn hohn
Z'at Phoenix makes me rise, through and through!
Makes me quiver inside
Passions can't be denied
Forz'is 'andsome devil, oui it's true


Z'at Godot also whets zeez here palate
On him z'at visor seems so chic
Actions so macho yet so gallant
Those strong bones and that chin
Ah, z'at voice oh so nice
Makes z'is girl want to sin
And those lips that entice


Mon Dieu, I am not done!


Sacre bleu, what a diss!
How could I be remiss
Z'at grand homme, his muscles so fab
Dick Gumshoe what a man!
Heats me like a fry pan
Even though that trench coat is so drab!
All tres hommes fill my head
Would kick none out of bed!
But sadly I wish from afar
'Cause none of this lot seems at all hot to trot!
C'est dommage mes garçons
Baisers!


 

Notes:

Oh oui, il est toujours délicieux - Oh yes, he is always delicious

C'est dommage mes garçons – It's a shame, my boys

Baisers!- Kisses!

Chapter 40: Can You Please Get Me a Stepladder?

Notes:

CT: Since JP parodied "Let it Go", a song that we've all heard whether we wanted to or not, and more times than we'd like to admit, it's only fair that I tag in and tackle the other popular song to come out of "Frozen" based off of a suggestion from yankeegal13. And what's a suggestion from yankeegal13 without me having Apollo being tortured by one of the special ladies in his life? So without further ado, I hope you enjoy this parody showcasing Apollo before he decides to let it blow.

JP: As promised last song, where I proved I can do villain songs by making most readers need barf bags when I penned Armstrong's witness stand wiggle, we're keeping up with the old switcheroo of my funnyman friend lightening up things for a change while I continue to the dark side next chapter! Enjoy your request yankeegal13!

Chapter Text

 

"Can You Please Get Me a Stepladder?"
Sung to the tune of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?"

from Disney's Frozen


 [It's a regular day at the Anything Agency about six months after Apollo was hired and the young attorney is spending it sitting on the couch, reading over a case file for an upcoming trial when suddenly Trucy approaches him.]


 ["Hi, Polly! Can you do me a big favor?" Trucy asks, widening her eyes and smiling in an attempt to make herself look cuter.]


 

  ["Trucy, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to be a part of that new Flaming Coffin of Doom trick of yours? I don't care how important it is for your next show. I have a big trial tomorrow and I can't acquit my client if I'm burned to a crisp or sawed in half."  Apollo responds with a disgruntled tone, narrowing his gaze at the young magician.]


 

  ["I know that, Polly. That's why I decided to swap out that trick for the Balloon Animal Flurry one."]


 

["Then what favor are you asking me for?"  Apollo asks with a look of dread on his face.]


["Well, I can't do the Balloon Animal Flurry trick without my air pump, but I can't reach it." Trucy states, gesturing to a pump on a shelf that is much too tall for her to reach on her own. "So can you help out your favorite magician by getting me a stepladder?"]


 

  ["There's a regular ladder right outside in the hallway from when I was forced to paint the office a few days ago. Why don't you use that?"  Apollo suggests, prompting the young magician to burst into song.]


 {Trucy}

Polly,
Can you please get me a stepladder?
I need to reach the highest shelf.
You're my lovely assistant,
So go bring me one,
I can't do it by myseeelf!


 

You're my best friend,
But yet you hate stepladders,
And how they bend at the eeend!


 Can you please get me a stepladder?
They're the best kind of ladder.


  ["Trucy, I don't hate stepladders. I just don't want to bike halfway across town to the hardware store just to buy a more expensive version of a ladder that's right outside the office."  Apollo states, flashing the young magician a disgruntled look as she continues her song.]


 Can you please get me a stepladder?
They're a jack of all trades.
If you go get me one,
I'm sure you'll be popular with all the babes!


Would you be so cruel,
As to let me risk getting hurt,
While Igo get that toooool?


["Yes, Trucy, because women are naturally drawn to men who favor stepladders."  Apollo snidely replies with a roll of his eyes.]


["They sure are, Polly! Just look at Daddy." The young magician confidently states with a grin, tipping her hat slightly downwards. "Why, just last week, we went to the nearby cafe and the owner, Ms. Anita DeCaffie, told Daddy that he's, and I quote, 'a sexy DILF with bedroom eyes' and that she wouldn't mind seeing his stepladder. But then again, she probably wasn't talking about actual stepladders, but rather-"]


["I don't need or want to hear any more, Trucy." Apollo dishearteningly remarks as his 'horns' droop. "I don't care how many women think that Mr. Wright's attractive. I'm not buying you a stepladder, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind." The attorney sternly states, causing Trucy's demeanor to become much more serious as she hides her arms in her cloak, staring at him with her big blue eyes before proceeding to sing in a more threatening tone.]


 Polly,
Don't forget that I'm one of your bosses,
Someone who determines if here you stay.
So do whatever I say,
Or I'll severely cut your pay.
Just do iiit.


 We were glad to hire you,
But defy me and you'll be through.
The choice is up to yooou.
So, can you please get me a stepladder?


["Fine…"  Apollo sighs in resignation as he gets up from his seat and slowly trudges towards the door.]


 

["Yay! Thanks, Polly!"  Trucy chirps, enthusiastically waving at the forlorn attorney.]


 

 

Chapter 41: Cruel World

Notes:

JP: As we wind down the great switcheroo, with CT's last official fluffy piece following this one, I give you all my official third time going rogue from my usual sweet songs! Here's my take on another villain tune – by one of the most evil characters in Disney history (a supposed pious man of the cloth, voiced by the late, great Tony Jay!) and who better to use than the greatest femme fatale in AA history – and her secluded and reluctant twin in the role of Quasimodo? I hope you enjoy my homage to Satan's Succubus in fulfilling your request, milady Chloemcg! I hope you're all better by the time you read this! XO

CT: Just like with "Dahlia Hawthorne" back in Chapter 15, JP does an excellent job of reminding us all why we despise Dahlia as a person but love her as a villain. With how many lives Dahlia ruined, along with how she ruthlessly manipulated Iris and Terry, she deserves to get slapped with Godot's coffee mug off of Dusky Bridge and into Eagle River- suffering a similar fate as Frollo, only with less fire and more coffee and smooth jazz.

Chapter Text

 

"Cruel World"
Sung to the tune of "Out There"

from Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame


 

[DAHLIA]

Don't be a fool
I'll be explicit

Must trust no one and men especially are shitty
Your heart would never mend

I alone entrust you, need you, loves you
I who'll be here when you shed a tear
How can I convince you girl
This world's got monsters to be feared
You'll be safe here


[DAHLIA]

(spoken)
Never forget truths I've told you, dear sister

(sung)
You are worthless -


[IRIS]
{bows head in submission}

I am worthless


[DAHLIA]
And you are spineless


[IRIS]
And I am spineless


[DAHLIA]

Don't mean to be a bitch to you
My fragile kitty
I am your true godsend


[IRIS]
It's the truth you render


[DAHLIA]
In this cruel world, you're a lamb for slaughter


[IRIS]
I am helpless


[DAHLIA]
They'll use you and then spit on you and sneer


[IRIS]
For I am feeble


[DAHLIA]
Why succumb thyself to pain and degradation?
No fears here
Never betray me


[IRIS]
I'm loyal


[DAHLIA]
Trust none but me


[IRIS]
I trust you


[DAHLIA]
Nod and obey
Do as I say


[IRIS]
I'll pray


[BOTH]
In here


[IRIS, spoken]

You know what's best, my sister. I won't question you again


[DAHLIA, spoken]

You belong here. Remember, Iris. I'm not your adversary


[IRIS, spoken]

...My adversary...

{Stares after Dahlia as she leaves}


[IRIS]

As a shrine temple maiden, I spend my days alone
Praying that someday God will forgive me
Destined to perish up here until I'm an old crone
Trapped with all my memories of Feenie
Can't erase all those good times and places
Knowing how he'll never know it was me
Till I die I ponder if I'll always feel this way
Ever miss him, always love him


This cruel world let me meet The One
That warm smile of his, brighter than the sun
Forget him never


Cruel world,
Can't forget his loving stare
What I'd give
To be his girl
Yearn to stroke that spiky hair!


It's not just crooks and swindlers out there leading with their lives
To even out the odds goodwill must stem
It can't all be just murderers bearing their guns and knives
I believe in the goodness of all men
If I could be with him, it'd be worth all this cruel world's sins


A pure soul, to death I'd defend
No harm to come to one hair
Not even my twin can
Dahlia had best beware
My Sis to hell, I'd send!
Life's unfair, I'll repent
Had my chance
Came and went
Loved and sang
Danced and twirled
Found true bliss in this cruel world!

Chapter 42: One Last Protégé

Notes:

CT: Here's a bit of speculation regarding how Mia was hired by Grossberg based on a suggestion from Simon DiStefan. The idea hit me when I realized how Grossberg and Phil have very similar body shapes. With that said, sit back and enjoy this hemorrhoid-filled parody!

JP: This is the last of our switcheroos for now, with this song now marking the third time my partner and I have officially exited our respective comfort zones with him taking on a hero song while I have done more villainous tunes, and I really think I saved his best fluffy piece for last! Enjoy a touch of Miego again in this brilliant Hercules Homage – I think Herr Hemorrhoids does a decent substitute for the equally portly Danny DeVito's Phil, don't you? :)

Chapter Text

 


"One Last Protégé"
(Sung to the tune of "One Last Hope" from Disney's
Hercules  by Marvin Grossberg to an earnest Mia Fey)

{Grossberg}

So you want to be a defense attorney, my girl?
Well, good for you.
I've had countless protégés over the years, many so smart and shrewd,
But trouble they avoid,
Like me with a nasty hemorrhoid.
So don't talk about your ideals with mirth,
Like you're Gregory Edgeworth,
Begging me to teach you my keys to success.
And to that, my answer is -


[However, before Grossberg could respond, Diego- from his desk- splashed him in the back of the head with a mug of scalding coffee, glowering at his superior when the obese man turned to face his subordinate.]

["Yes." Grossberg reluctantly stated, earning a grin and a nod from Diego.]

["Thank you, Mr. Grossberg!" Mia chirped with hope-filled eyes. "I promise that you won't regret this!"]


["Oy vey…" The portly attorney sighed with a slow shake of his head.]


{Grossberg}

I've lost hope of finding someone who's fierce like a dragon,
A lawyer who fills the gravy train,
Not the paddy wagon.
The kind that wins cases,
Earning high wages,
Putting shock on all the prosecutors' faces,
But no… I get a rookie shiksa.


I've been at this job for years and I'm getting bored,
Content to just sit back and enjoy the luxuries I can afford,
But you need a teacher,
A rabbi that's not a preacher,
A guy who can give you every feature,
And- Oy gevalt! My hemorrhoids are going mad like some creature!


I'll take one last protégé, and that'll be you,
But please don't make it a decision that I'll rue.
I've taught enough rejects,
Who don't have a clue.
You'll be my last protégé, so you better come through.


["Rule number one: No objection is complete without a strong finger-point. For example… Objection!" Grossberg proclaimed, thrusting his arm outwards in a pointing motion, the fatty appendage jiggling like gelatin. "Rule number two: when in doubt, bluff until you can't bluff anymore. If you're going lose, at least go down kicking. Rule number three…"]

["Belittle your loyal subordinate who brings in over a third of your law firm's revenue." Diego retorted before taking a sip of coffee from one of the numerous mugs on his desk.]

["That attitude isn't helping your case, Diego." Grossberg stated with a cold look"Now where was I…? Oh, right!"]


Attorneys face impossible odds,
And are treated like a joke.
Not to mention all the close calls that'll make you almost croak.
To be a good attorney, my girl, is quite the task,
You've got to hide your fear, like a face behind a mask.
It takes more than raw skill,
You need an iron-cladded will.
Not to mention a tireless work drive as you grow.
That kind of stuff.


I'm running low on energy and low on hemorrhoid cream,
So please hold all my teachings in high esteem.
You're my last hope, my girl,
So don't make me feel blue.
Always raise the bar,
Reach for the highest star.
You're my last chance, my girl, and it's all on youuu!
Yeah!

Chapter 43: Can You Feel The Luck Tonight

Notes:

JP: And... I'm back to writing fluffy shipping sugary goodness, hence feel like the world is back on its proper axis! In this case, we're having a glimpse into the courtship of the pretty much canon (IMO) and beyond adorkable duo of a certain Lady Luckless and our fave Ramen enthusiast! I hope you enjoy this request, going out to RavenPuffPrefect1296 and PurpleHoodedAngel, as well as all Magshoe lovers everywhere!

CT: Magshoe is one of those rare ships that has no contention associated with it and exists purely for the enjoyment of others. In a sense, it's an embodiment of the kind of people Gumshoe and Maggey are. Every time we see them, they get struck down by all kinds of things, but they always bounce back and do everything in their power to be helpful with a smile. Gumshoe and Maggey were made for each other like noodles and broth and deserve some scrap of happiness in the torrent of misery that is their lives; which JP has brilliantly done with this parody.

Chapter Text

 

"Can You Feel The Luck Tonight"
Sung to the tune of
"Can You Feel The Love Tonight"
from Disney's The Lion King
*Elton John Version*


 

"I'm so sorry, Dick, but no, I can't marry you." Maggey's eyes filled with tears as she gently pushed away the ring her longtime boyfriend had just presented her. "You know that I'm cursed! I have the worst luck in the entire world, and I refuse to succumb you to an entire lifetime of it! I love you too much!"

"There's no bad luck that our love can't fix!" Gumshoe insisted desperately. "Maggey, I know you've had some rough times, but things are different now! You're my lucky star – since we've been together, my life has only improved! I'm Chief of Police now, so I can actually afford Eldoon's noodles, not just no-name Ramen…"

"What if that's in spite of, not because of me?" She asked miserably. "Do you really want to take the risk that things won't somehow get worse, not better, if you align your life with mine, for all time?"

"That's not going to happen!" He vowed, taking her hand. "I know this, for a fact, because…"


[Gumshoe]

There's a rush of splendor when you look my way
And I feel I'm the luckiest man alive today
Goddess of Misfortune, nix clovers and horseshoes
This flatfoot is fortunate enough, just to be with you


And can you feel the luck tonight
Lady Luck, you are
No more jinx or curses for you
You're my shining star


And can you feel the luck tonight
No need for distress
Having you is a blessing from above
So lay those fears to rest


A change in fates has just begun
The past is now adjourned
Our joyful lives can be filled with hopes
Farewell to downturns


A lifetime, not a season, is how long I'll be yours
Take my hand and begin this voyage
Let our love take its course...


And can you feel the luck tonight
Lady Luck, you are
No more jinx or curses for you
You're my shining star


And can you feel the luck tonight
No need for distress
Having you is a blessing from above
Cuz you're the very best


 Having you is a blessing from above
Cuz you're the very best 


Maggey was openly weeping as he finished singing, her face buried in her hands, immediately alarming the poor man into halting all serenading and quickly gathering her sobbing form into his arms.

"Um, was my singing voice that bad?" Gumshoe nervously scratched his head with his free hand and awkwardly stroked her back while the love of his life continued to mewl incomprehensively into his chest, with no signs of stopping. "Honey? Are you alright?"

She lifted her head, and that was when he saw the radiant beam on her tear-drenched face. A huge surge of relief coursed through him as he realized that they weren't woeful tears, but ones of pure, unadulterated joy she'd been shedding all this time.

"Yes." Maggey choked, wiping her streaming eyes. "Yes, Dick. YES!"

"Yes… my singing was that bad? Or yes, you're alright?" Although hopeful, he didn't want to get his hopes up about what else she could possibly be affirming.

"Silly man! I loved your singing, yes, I'm alright! I'm more than alright since you just made sure to remind me that I'm truly the most blessed, ecstatic… the luckiest woman in the whole wide world!" She threw her arms around his neck and planted a huge kiss onto his lips. "YES, a thousand times yes, I'll marry you!"

"Whoooooop! Luck be a lady tonight indeed!" He cheered loudly, punching his fist in the air, then chuckled sheepishly as she started cracking up at his effusive response. "Sorry, I just had to! You've just made me the happiest man alive!"

"Then we're even." Her eyes glowed with love as he placed the ring onto her extended finger. "I've never been more deliriously happy, or more fortunate, in my entire life. Because I have you, Dick Gumshoe."

"We're both lucky, cuz we've found each other." He smiled tenderly down at her. "I love you so much, Margaret Charity Byrde."

She was already reaching up to draw his lips down towards her smiling ones.

"And I love you back, Richard Colombo Gumshoe."

Chapter 44: The Hardcore Wocky Kitaki

Notes:

CT: I know that the title for this parody is one of the biggest oxymorons to ever be created. I mean, Wocky's about as hardcore as a packing peanut that's been discarded in a pillow. But at least with the packing peanut, I don't have to hear it constantly running its mouth about how 'cool' it is and using slang in almost every sentence. So with that in mind, we here at "Singing in the Courtroom" are not responsible for any injured wrists or foreheads that are a result of reading this parody. You've been warned.

JP: Y'see, it's a new month, so this is a new type of request! You'll see me honoring his request, next chapter, and I'm the one who asked for a song featuring fox boy to be mocked as lyrically as possible, so CT delivered! I suppose it's my fault for any self-injury caused to any readers while reading this who despise this furry wannabe as much as I do…so sorry in advance – although if you laugh as hard I did reading this… Gern geschehen! ;p

Chapter Text

 

"The Hardcore Wocky Kitaki"
Sung to the tune of
"The Elegant Captain Hook" from
Disney's  Peter Pan


At Cee O'Cheets Elementary School playground, the fourth-graders are enjoying their recess- some kids are running around playing tag, some are playing catch, and others are pushing the socially awkward kid down the slide against their free will while repeatedly yelling 'Sacrifice!'

Though all of that comes to an end when a Mercedes-Benz with gold chrome alloy wheels that are blaring loud rap music stops in front of the school before Wocky and five men dressed in suits exit the vehicle and walk into the playground. Intrigued by these unusual people, the children stop what they're doing and form a circle around the visitors; at which point, one of the men takes out a boom box, places it on the ground, and turns it on as he and the others- with the exception of Wocky- start singing.


{Gangsters}

Yo yo,

Yo yo,

Yo yo, yo yo, yo yo,

If you wanna be seen as tough,

Then you'll need to become a G.

So don't be a fool,

Instead be cool,

And work for Wocky Kitaki,

The world's most hardcore OG.


{Disgruntled Gangster}

Cocky,

Bossy,

Sticky, wimpy, and a big sissy,

I haven't met anyone who's more


[However, the man is cut off when one of the other larger, more muscular men hits him on the head with a small metal pipe, instantly knocking him out.]

["Right on, G." Wocky nods at pipe-wielding mobster.]


{Wocky}

I like you little guys, fo'shizzle,

So I've gotta deal for you.

If you join me and make it official,

I'll get ya cool tattoos.


[Wocky rolls up his sleeve to reveal a fake heart tattoo that's starting to flake off of his arm that reads 'Mom'.]


{Wocky}

It'll really boost your street cred!

But before you decide, this has to be said:

If ya refuse, my homies'll put a cap in yo head!

So what are ya gonna do?


{Gangsters}

So what are ya gonna do?

Yo yo,

Yo yo,

Yo yo, yo yo, yo yo,

You'll be seen as the tough of the tough,

You'll get as rich as can be.

It's a whole lot of fun when ya make some noise,

Beatin' down punks with ya bizzzoys!

So sign up and you'll see,

Why you should join Wocky!


"Students, get back in the school! NOW!" A teacher- an overweight, middle-aged woman with curly brown hair- exclaims as she frantically escorts the children into the building.

"Mrs. Cherswick, who are those weird guys?" A little girl asks with a hint of panic in her voice.

"A reminder of why you should stay in school." The educator remarks, casting a brief glare at the mobsters. "Now I want you and all of your classmates to read Chapter 17 in history book while I call the police."

Once the playground is devoid of people, Wocky can't help but scream and slam his foot on the ground out of frustration.

"Damn! This be whack, fo'shizzle! First, the high-schoolers try to beat us up, then the middle-schoolers throw trash at us, and now this! Guess we gotta go even younger. Let's hit the preschool."

"Mr. Kitaki-" One of the gangers tries to talk with a tone and look of unease, only to be interrupted by his superior.

"Aw, hell nah! G, 'Mr. Kitaki's' what you call my withered-ass old man! Me, you refer to me by my gangsta name- OG Bling-Bling Crackshot! You readin' me, homes?" Wocky snarls, leaning forward with his hands on his hips as a show of dominance.

"Yes… OG Bling-Bling Crackshot." The gangster hesitantly replies as he awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. "Though as I was saying, aren't preschoolers a bit too young for our organization?"

"Don't you be dissin' them preschoolers, G. They can be hardcore as hell when they wanna be. One time, I tried to take a lollipop from some little kid- 'cause I'm gangsta like that'- and the little brat punched me right in ma bowling balls!" Wocky angrily retorted with crossed arms.

"Sorry I asked…" The gangster replied with an unimpressed look on his face.

"Don't sweat it, G. Just help the others load up the boom box and Flippin' Fred into the back of my whip. If we're quick, we may be able to get to the preschool right when snack time ends and the little bizzoys and girls are in a good mood."

"Yes, sir." The subordinate gangster replies as he and the others place their unconscious friend and the boom box in the back of the car before getting in themselves so they could be driven to their next location and further humiliated by the cringe-worthy son of their respectable boss.]

Chapter 45: Out There I Would Be Free

Notes:

JP: My partner wrote my suggestion of about a certain fart-knocker fox boy last parody, and now here's CzarThwomp's request from me, which also goes out to milady, chloemcg. I've never seen this movie, but I imagine poor, friendless, Princess Rayfa could relate to Scamp's yearning for a world of freedom beyond the royal walls! Hope you guys like it!

CT: Knowing Rayfa, her desire for freedom probably comes from both Dhurke and Inga, what with the former being the adventurous guy that he is who tries to enjoy everything life has to offer and the latter trying to flee the palace on a number of occasions, only to be dragged back to Ga'ran's private quarters by her royal guards kicking and screaming so he could be punished.
If we make this parody a sequel to the previous one, then maybe Rayfa could flee to the States and spend about three seconds with Wocky before realizing that maybe life outside the palace isn't all rainbows and sunshine.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text



"Out There I Would Be Free"
Sung to the tune of "A World Without Fences"
from Disney's Lady & The Tramp 2

 



Outside these walls
I could just be me
Explore the streets
Loose and running
I'd make friends my own age
If released from this cage
Leave all duties at home
Have my liberty


Out there I would be free
Farewell sovereignty
Amongst other children
Who'll bring out the kid in me
With my camaraderie
We'd play and laugh with glee
Out there I'd run and be free
All of Khura'in's what I long to see


This girl wants more
Than to pray all day
And do séance,
Like her mother
So many boring grownups
They all keep me restrained
So lonely in this palace
Princess birthright's my bane


A big world surrounds me
It's where I want to be
Out there I would be free
And goodbye royal decree!


To shed shackles of the monarchy
What a life that'd mean for me!
Out there I would be free
My pleeeeeea!

Notes:

JP: Are you guys enjoying season 2 of the AA anime as much as I am? I personally have been most eager to see a certain mysterious, visor-wearing, coffee loving prosecutie make grand entrance, and episode 2 definitely didn't disappoint! All that was missing was the epic sax theme music! And coinciding with his small persona's small screen debut, my pal Mr_Coffee aka FF's own in-house "Godot" has started his own Q & A for fans on fanfiction.net to submit questions to called:
Waiting For Godot: Heart To Heart Java Talk!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092517/1/Waiting-For-Godot-Heart-To-Heart-Java-Talk

Chapter 46: Poor, Unfortunate Mooks

Notes:

CT: Let me tell you, this parody was one of the hardest I've had to write. "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" is challenging enough to parody with its fast tempo, but it becomes a whole new world of difficulty when you also have to write it with Tigre's Brooklyn accent and slang in mind; and it didn't help that I had to also had to deal with Jean Armstrong's Franglish in the dialogue portions. Who is that pink creampuff trying to fool? He's about as French as a carton of wine you'd find at a discount store served with a side of graham crackers and spray cheese! But despite my complaints, this parody was a labor of love and I was more than happy to write it for you guys.

JP: This one's for JusticeForNoOne/PurpleHoodedAngel… and while screamingly hilarious, as is tradition, many of you may also squeal like a certain jiggling pastry puff at the sight of zee 'andsome hommes as he plays a large role in this diddy – albeit I'm guessing those of zee readers will be in l'horror! XD

Chapter Text

 

"Poor, Pathetic Mooks"
Sung to the tune of "Poor, Unfortunate Souls"
from Disney's The Little Mermaid

 

[Seated behind his gaudy gold desk, Tigre is busy drawing a crude doodle of him stabbing Bruto Cadaverini with a knife on a loose sheet of paper, when suddenly…]

 

["What are you drawing, Don Tigre…?" Viola creepily whispers behind the loan shark's back, the warm air from her breath hitting the back of his neck.]

 

["D-Damn it, Viola!" Tigre growls, quickly tearing the paper to shreds. "Why youse always gotta go sneakin' up on me like some damn ghost all da time?!"]

 

["Sorry, Don Tigre… It's… just how I am… Hee… Hee… Hee…" The mobster giggles with a mischievous grin.]

 

["That don't make it any less creepy! Now whaddya want?" The loan shark snaps.]

 

["You've got… a client." Viola nods, prompting Jean Armstrong to nervously enter the office.]

 

["B-Bonjour, Monsieur Tigre." The pink-cladded chef sheepishly states, his eyes pointing to the ground. "My name iz Jean Armstrong, and I would like to borrow $500,000 for my restaurante."]

 

["Damn!" Tigre exclaims with a wide eyes. "What kinda food are youse servin', gold and caviar?"]

 

["Non, c'est Francais. I need zee money for zee decor and zee bath oils zat I give to zee customers to 'elp zem with their skin. For instance, given your complexion, I would say zat you need… une blend of tiger lilies et snapdragons."  Jean states with his rose in his mouth, holding up a blue bottle.]

 

["Gwoaaaaaaaaar! I ain't usin' no sissy ointment, ya damn puffball!" Tigre roars.]

 

["Pardon moi, Monsieur Tigre!" Jean shrieks like a little girl, wasting no time in getting the detested bath oil out of the temperamental loan shark's sight. "But vill you 'elp me with zee matter of zis loan?"]

 

[Upon hearing this question, Tigre scowl turns to a grin before he begins singing.]


 

[Tigre]

I admit my business may seem a bit seedy,
Dey ain't kiddin' when dey say I'm with da Mob.
But you'll see I ain't nothin' like 'em at all,
Understandin', calm of temper, and a bit of a heartthrob.
It's true, see?


And I've got oodles of cash,
My talents give me plenty of dat.
And lately, lucky for you,
I use it to help those who are desperate, hopeless, and have fallen flat,
Ya dig?


 

Poor, pathetic mooks,
At my door, in need. Pah!
Dat one wants to be a rebel,
Dat one's got gambling debts,
And do I help 'em? Hell yeah!


 

Those poor, pathetic mooks,
So unfortunate, so sad.
Dey come flockin' to my office,
Beggin', "Money, Tigre, please!"
And I say to dem,
"Hell yeah, comrade!"


 

Now, sometimes there's a little threat,
Where some mook can't pay their debt,
And I had ta dig into dem with my hooks.
Yeah, there's the occasional grumble,
But for de most part I'm quite humble,
To those poor, pathetic mooks.


 

["Ok Pinky, I'll give youse dat half a million for dat restaurant of yours…" Tigre states with a toothy grin.]

 

["Merci, Monsieur Tigre! Merci!" Jean joyfully proclaims. "But I vhat if I am unable to pay you back? Vhat if zee customers do not appreciate zee improvements I vill make with zee money?"The chef asks, his expression becoming forlorn.]

 

["I was just gettin' ta dat." The orange loan shark chuckles, lightly patting his client on the cheek. "See, if youse can't pay off your loan, I'll simply have youse do a couple of … favors for me."]

 

["Monsieur, I will not do zee murdering or zee stabbing or zee like!" Jean objects with a scowl on his face, puffing out his chest and moving his torso back and forth in some disturbing dance. "I 'ave seen zee movies, and I vill not grind up your enemies and make them into une delicieuse dish and 'ave one of
your rivals eat them! Pourquoi, I 'ave only just gotten zee 'ealth inspector to get off my back about zee rat meat I used to make my lobster bisque!"]

 

["First off, Viola, remind me never to eat anything at dat guy's joint." Tigre states with a disgusted look on his face, to which his assistant nods in agreement. "And second, I ain't plannin' on doing nothin' like dat. See, I just need a place I can use as a second base of operations for meetings, killin' people, hidin corpses, and da like. So, whaddya say? We gotta deal?"]

 

["I… I do not know, Monsieur Tigre… I-I don't know if I can bring myself to allow those kinds of activities in my restaurant. And vhat if zee customers find out zat I got 'elp from a loan shark?"]

 

[Once again, the loan shark decides to respond to the pink-cladded chef's question by singing.]


 

[Tigre]

The customers don't care where you get da money,
As long as da food's up to snuff.
Yeah, as long as you got dat,
In your seats their asses'll be sat,
And ain't your money situation been rough?


 

Ain't no one gives a damn about ethics,
People go around 'em whenever dey can!
But nobody will snub,
Da restaurant with da best grub,
And everyone will be your biggest fan!


 

C'mon, ya poor, pathetic mook!
Be a man! Roll da dice!
See, I'm a very busy guy,
Who ain't got all day.
It won't cost much,
Yourservitude'll suffice!


 

Ya poor, pathetic mook,
It's business,
It's textbook.
If ya wanna take a gamble, fruitcake,
Ya can't be a wimp and retract,
Scratch a back and get scratched back,
So sign da damn contract!
Viola, Bruto Punchin' Bag,
I got him bagged!
I'm so freakingtaaaaact!

Dis poor, patheticmooooooook!


 

[Viola hands Jean a contract, which he proceeds to sign with a nearby pen as Tigre laughs maniacally.]

 

Chapter 47: One Leap Before

Notes:

JP: A big thank you to my creative co-pilot for helping steer me with some direction with this song request for JusticeForNoOne, FloraAlice and Yankeegirl13 – I'm so used to writing the virtuous AA cast that this playful tune about a sticky-fingered street-rat had me initially drawing a blank about parodies – until he suggested a certain diminutive but big-mouthed red-haired Pink Panther from T & T! I hope you guys like this parody – which now coincides with the current Season 2 AA anime storyline featuring a certain Cinnabon-haired thief's run from the law before he unmasked himself – The Stolen Turnabout! :)

CT: Here's the long-awaited "One Step Ahead" parody! I hope you like this song JP did involving everyone's favorite Princess Leia-lookalike thief as much as I do! Though while we're on the topic, it really boggles the mind of just how reckless Desiree's spending was if Ron had no choice but to steal priceless jewels and pieces of art to support her. With such a complete disregard for money, it's amazing that they were able to pay their rent.

Chapter Text

 "One Leap Before"
Sung to the tune of "One Jump Ahead"
from Disney's Aladdin


 [Ron:]
Gotta be
One leap before the creditors
One day ahead of due date
I steal stuff the wife would approbate
And that's everything!


One leap before all the flatfoots
My life of crime's no joke
Dessie, can't discover that I'm broke!


 [The Fuzz:]
Burglar!
Bandit!
Rascal!
Take that!


 [Ron:]
Just a few gemstones boys


[The Fuzz:]
Cuff him now and lock him up boys!


 [Ron:]
Gotta face the truth. Need to pay my bills.
Doing it all for love, it's true!


 [The Fuzz:]
For Who?


[Gumshoe:]
It's Mask DeMasque who's struck now once again
He's become a one-man rise in crime


[Godot]:
I'd claim lack of scruples but he's got none


[Ron:]
Thief against my will
Gotta steal for wife
If they catch me I'll be doing time!


 One leap ahead of the Popo
One step ahead cuz they're slow
Next time I'll pick an alias less known!


One leap before all the lawmen
Hair's breadth ahead of the cops
I'll catch my breath once around this block!


 [The Fuzz:]
Stop crook!
Pilferer!


 [Ron:]
Sorrrrrrrry!


 [The Fuzz:]
Chiseler!


 [Ron:]
All so quick to judge me


["Ace Detective"]
Don't forget about Luke Atmey


 [Ron:]
Gotta face the truth, gotta pay my bills
Doing it all for love, it's true!


[The Fuzz:]
Screw you!


 [Ron:]
One leap before all the sirens


[The Fuzz:]
Criminal!


 [Ron:]
One skip ahead of the chumps


 [The Fuzz:]
Looter!


 [Ron:]
If caught it'll be a disaster


[The Fuzz:]
Pirate!


 [Ron:]
They're fast, thank God I'm faster


 [The Fuzz:]
Robber!


 [Ron:]
Geronimo!
Gotta take this chancy!
Final flight of fancy!
All I gotta do is… JUMP!

 

Chapter 48: Surgeon!

Notes:

CT: I have to admit, even by my standards, this is one of the darker parodies I've created for this fanfic. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if Grey attempted to do something similar if the weather girl he despised made the mistake of visiting his clinic. I mean, the way he was yelling and ranting about her in the beginning of "Turnabout Reunion" made it seem like she destroyed everything he held near and dear. Still, this parody was originally going to be much darker. Essentially, the initial version consisted of Sorin receiving a videotape from Pierce showcasing him singing the parody as he "operated" on Ellen, brutally killing her so that Sorin could feel the pain of seeing the woman he loved die on an operating table.

JP: With Halloween just around the corner, here's something creepy and sinister, entirely inspired by the dark recesses of my brilliantly twisted partner's mind! I mean, sure we all curse the weatherman at times but... welp...all that's missing is the epic line of a certain cannibalistic Venus Flytrap in the corner begging for the remains caterwauling: "Feed Me, Turner – er. Seymour! – Feed Me!" :p

Chapter Text

 


"Surgeon!"
Sung to the tune of "Dentist!" from
the smash musical, 
Little Shop of Horrors

 

[In an operating room in the Grey Surgical Clinic, an olive-skinned woman with her raven hair styled in a large bun, wearing a rather revealing navy blouse and a matching skirt that shows off a generous amount of leg, is laying on a surgical table with her arms and legs restrained by several leather straps.]

 

["You don't know how much I appreciate you guys being able to squeeze me in on short notice!" The woman sighs in relief, looking over at the nurse, Mimi Miney, who's filling out some paperwork on a clipboard. "I noticed just this morning that I had a wrinkle on my face and was freaking out because I have to be on set in a few hours to give this week's forecast; but I can't go on camera looking like some old, worn leather glove."]

 

["Don't mention it, Ms. Daye. Dr. Grey always goes on and on about how he'd love to have the honor of treating local weather legend, Renee Daye, in his clinic. So the second he heard that you needed to schedule an appointment, he cleared his entire morning so he could focus all of his attention on giving you the treatment that you deserve,"  Mimi warmly responds with a grin, hiding the slightest touch of contempt in her voice.]

 

["Aw, he didn't go and do that" Renee sighs in an obviously fake guilty tone. "I just need a little Botox and I'll be as good as new!"]

 

["Well, why don't you tell him that, because here he comes now?" Mimi states as she hears the loud, stomping footsteps of her boss.]

 

[Suddenly, Turner Grey bursts into the room with a crazed look in his eyes and a maniacal, toothy smile on his face before closing the door behind him and proceeding to sing.]


{Grey}

When I was a kid, I was often feared,

'Cause my hobbies were seen as gross and weird,

Like cutting open the family cat,

Dissecting the brain of many a rat,

And stitching together corpses that were bug-infested.

But that's when my mother suggested…


["W-What did she suggest?" Renee nervously asks with terror-filled eyes.]


{Grey}

She suggested, "My son, I really feel,

You can get paid a lot for your undying zeal."

You'll be a surgeon!

(Be a surgeon!)

You have an unrivaled passion for anatomy!

(Anatomy!)

Son, be a surgeon,

(Be a surgeon!)

People will praise you so happily!

You're too hotheaded for psychology,

And chiropracty is a farce not worth your time.

Son, be a surgeon,

You'll be truly sublime.


{Mimi}

Here he is, lady, my psychopath boss,

Works me all day without a break, that asshole director.

He may be renowned, but you should stay clear of him,

For who wants to be operated on by Hannibal Lecter?


["Wait! Why is that nurse holding a buzz saw?!" Renee shrieks upon seeing the power tool that Mimi has just taken out of a cabinet filled with similar devices, wriggling on the table in a fruitless attempt to free herself from her restraints.]

["Because she's too stupid to give it to me! Nurse! Saw! Now!" Turner yells, impatiently flexing his fingers.]

["I don't get paid enough for this." Mimi exasperatedly grumbles under her breath as she hands the mad doctor his surgical tool.]

["Good. Now get ready, Daye, because here I come!" Turner exclaims with a toothy grin and a deranged look in his eye as he turns on the buzz saw, slowly approaching his victim with a sinister laugh.]


{Grey}

I am your surgeon,

(A deranged one.)

And my livelihood will keep you nice and mute!

(Hates you.)

I am your surgeon,

(Who's a nutcase.)

And I'll avenge my nice $1,500 suit!

(He values it more than his staff.)

I'm giddy when a patient's on my table!

(Table.)

I don't care if people think I'm mentally unstable!

(It's true.)

And although my patients may be traumatized to a degree,

(Degree.)

Somewhere, somewhere in Heaven,

While she's complaining to God, my mother's smiling down on me!


["Right, Mother?" Turner asks, turning to a picture hanging on the wall of a woman with long brown hair with a raised fist who greatly resembles him before grabbing an anesthetic mask, putting it on Renee's face, and turning on the gas.]


{Grey}

'Cause I'm a surgeon and everyone likes me!


["Now sleep!" Turner angrily commands.]

 

["No!" Renee screams, violently shaking her head.]

 

["I said sleep!"]

 

["No…!" The weather girl repeats, this time weaker and with much less motion.]

 

["I said SLEEP!" The mad doctor roars while holding up his clenched hand like some deranged claw.]

 

["No…." Renee weakly mumbles, her eyes growing heavier and heavier until she's finally unconscious.]

 

["Now let's begin the operation!" Turner proclaims with sadistic giddy and a grin to match.]

Chapter 49: Now Let's Do This!

Notes:

JP: New month, new theme! As we welcome November Rain (the theme song of the month – albeit the song is preferable to the weather the penultimate month brings my region – I get nasty headaches from it; does anyone else out there share my plight?) we are also changing up this dreary month by making this everything but Disney songs! Prepare for TV/Movie Themes and Musicals aplenty!

We kick things off, hot on the heels of the harrowing homicidal Dr. Grey last song, to a lighter, fluffier piece that I am sorta known for! :)

This one is for one of the funniest ladies in our fandom, who’s also one of my fave readers, Lyn, aka StupidGenious. I love this requested musical, so I had a blast using this parody to show my head canon of Ace Phaya Shipper, Pearl, now trying to recruit Trucy into her not-so-secret Project Cupid!

This is set with Phaya’s canon, friendship (with evil Crapcom ship-tease in place), circa AJ when Nick got disbarred. The poor little magician is nervous about rocking the boat with her New Daddy, hence has trust/abandonment issues since Zak dropped her like a hot potato. Plus, she’s nervous about this plan of the little shipping schemer’s, as she and Pearl have only just met!

CT: As we have seen throughout "Justice for All" and "Trials and Tribulations", Pearl has gained superhuman capabilities thanks to her devotion to shipping Phoenix and Maya together. So with that in mind, if Phoenix saw Pearl and Trucy actually working together, I think that he'd propose to Maya in a heartbeat- partially because of his feelings for her, but mostly because he'd run the risk of Pearl beating him to within an inch of his life and Trucy making him literally disappear in the void that is her magic panties if he didn't.

Chapter Text

  “Now Let’s Do This!”
Sung to the tune of

“We Can Do It”
From the 2005 musical flick
The Producers


"It's so nice of you and Miss Maya to come by and visit Daddy so often since he lost his badge, Pearl," Trucy remarked as she led the 9-year-old spirit medium up the stairs to her room, leaving Phoenix and Maya murmuring between themselves on the couch in the Wright Talent Agency offices, below.

The little magician's voice dropped into a confidential whisper as the two girls got to the top of the staircase, then lingered. The two chums peered over the railing at the spirit medium and recently disbarred ex-attorney, who were sitting knee-to-knee together on the couch while the raven-haired beauty murmured something inaudible into Phoenix's ear.

"Daddy sure could really use the extra company! He's been so down ever since, and it's really hard to cheer him up when he goes into one of his blue spells…."

Suddenly, the spiky-haired man let out a loud burst of laughter. Maya had snatched the aqua beanie off his head and proceeded to play an impromptu game of "keep away" with it, forcing him to laughingly begin chasing her around the office.

"Give that back, Maya! I didn't comb my hair today!"

"You'll get this hat back when you shave, then agree to let me take you out for a burger for a change, Old Man!" Maya teased as she effortlessly ducked and dodged his futile lunges for his beanie. "No objecting! I owe you! But there's no way I'm going out with you in public with you looking like such a dishevelled -hobo!"

Trucy blinked in astonishment at hearing the alien sound of her father's continued chuckling as the two adults continued their child's play below, apparently having forgotten that their daughters were only one floor above.

"OK, never mind!" She smiled happily, quickly recovering from her surprise. "It looks like a visit from Miss Maya was just what Daddy needed to get out of that funk!"

"Of course it was!" Pearl was beaming from ear to ear as her familiar, starry-eyed expression flickered across her face. "It makes perfect sense that Mystic Maya is the only one that can make Mr. Nick happy again! They are Special Someone's, you know!"

"They are? I didn't know that!"

The flummoxed Trucy peeked over the railing again, noting that Phoenix had now tackled the giggling Maya onto the couch. However, the beanie remained stubbornly in her hand, so he was now resorting to tickling her mercilessly in order to get her to relinquish her grip.

"I've got you now, Miss Hat Thief! Say Uncle!"

"Never!"

Trucy shook her head in wonder.

"All Daddy said to me was that she used to be his assistant and they were simply friends!"

"Best friends! And well… technically… they're Special Someone's… in denial," Pearl admitted as she bit her thumb. "It's been so obvious to me for some time that they love each other… They just won't admit it out loud!"

"That's too bad. They do seem pretty happy together," Trucy mused. "Plus, Miss Maya is super pretty – and so nice to both of Daddy and me! She would be the perfect New Mommy if she married him!"

An unexpected gleam suddenly sparked in Pearl's doe eyes.

"Do you really think so, too, Trucy?" She asked eagerly. "That Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick are perfect together in every way and that they belong together?"

"Well, I don't know if I could go that far – yet. After all, I've only known Daddy just a few months," Trucy began slowly, a wary expression coming over her face as a conspiratorial grin flickered across her friend's innocent features. "And to be fair, I have only met you and Miss Maya just a handful of times…"

Pearl scowled at this, and the amiable illusionist hastily attempted to backpedal.

"I mean, it's obvious that Daddy cares a lot for both of you!" Trucy amended quickly. "And he definitely seems to be his most cheerful when you guys are around! I love him a whole bunch, and I'd want him to be that way all the time, so sure, it'd be great if those two got together! But if they're both too chicken to admit how they really feel, unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it…"

"That's where you're 100% wrong!"

Pearl grabbed the top-hatted girl by the hand and dragged her down the hall to Trucy's bedroom. Shutting the door behind them, she turned towards Phoenix's daughter and rubbed her hands together deviously.

"Now that I know I have a partner in crime to assist me in this operation, getting those two together will easy breezy lemon squeezy!"

"Partner in crime?" Trucy gaped at her new friend. "Pearl, what in Houdini's name are you talking about?!"

"Sit back and listen to my grand master plan of the great Ace Matchmakers: Operation Get Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya Together!"

The precocious spirit medium stretched out her arms and began giddily twirling around the room.

in Pearl’s doe eyes.

“Do you really think so, too, Trucy?”  She asked eagerly. “That Mystic Maya and Mr. Nick are perfect together in every way and that they belong together?”

“Well, I don’t know if I could go that far – yet. After all, I’ve only known Daddy just a few months,” Trucy began slowly, a wary expression coming over her face as a conspiratorial grin flickered across her friend’s innocent features. “And to be fair, I have only met you and Miss Maya just a handful of times…”

Pearl scowled at this, and the amiable illusionist hastily attempted to backpedal.

“I mean, it’s obvious that Daddy cares a lot for both of you!”  Trucy amended quickly. “And he definitely seems to be his most cheerful when you guys are around! I love him a whole bunch, and I’d want him to be that way all the time, so sure, it’d be great if those two got together! But if they’re both too chicken to admit how they really feel, unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about it…”

“That’s where you’re 100% wrong!” 

Pearl grabbed the top-hatted girl by the hand and dragged her down the hall to Trucy’s bedroom. Shutting the door behind them, she turned towards Phoenix’s daughter and rubbed her hands together deviously.

“Now that I know I have a partner in crime to assist me in this operation, getting those two together will easy breezy lemon squeezy!”

Partner in crime?” Trucy gaped at her new friend. “Pearl, what in Houdini’s name are you talking about?!”

“Sit back and listen to my grand master plan of the great Ace Matchmakers: Operation Get Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya Together!”

The precocious spirit medium stretched out her arms and began giddily twirling around the room.


  [PEARL, spoken]

Don't you see, Truce, darling Truce?

Glorious Truce, it's so simple!

Rule One! We convince them that they’re both smitten

Rule Two! We commit to this and don’t back down

Rule Three! We’re the two Ace Matchmaker Daughters!


 [TRUCY, spoken]

Two?


  [PEARL, spoken]

Yup! One is me, one is you! We’re gonna work those two as a pair!

Rule Four! We only retire once Mystic Maya is Mr. Nick’s fiancée!

And before I can say Rule five, it’ll come the day they’re wed and we 3 girls become his loving trio!


 [TRUCY, spoken]

Trio?! This is all berserk!


  [PEARL, spoken]

Not if you pull your weight!


 [PEARL sings]

This quest you’ll embark, cuz it’s a New Mommy that you seek!

This won’t take much scheming, or create havoc to be wreaked!

I’ve watched them for years! The attraction is already there!

There’s no need to be scared!


 [TRUCY, spoken hesitantly]

Well…then…OK…


  [PEARL]

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this, me and you

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

We’ll play Cupid for those two

The New Mommy that you’ve wanted and for me a brand new Dad!

Dutiful girl – you just leave this to Pearls!

Stop obsessing and distressing Truce, there’s joy to be had!


 Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

Trust me this is gonna work!

Now let’s do this

Don’t be remiss

If you did, you’d be a jerk!


 Hi New Family!

Yes, New Family!

I swear you can trust this smirk!

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

And this is no time to shirk!

Are you in, Truce?


 [TRUCY]

So, am I in? Finally a chance to have a new family?

So, am I in? Finally a chance to have a new Mommy and sister?

So am I in?

So am I in?

Here's my answer, as it were!


 [TRUCY]
*shakes her head*

 

Let’s not do this

Let’s not do this

Let’s not do this! Too risky!

Zak’s a gambler

So I’m leery

What if things blow up on me?!

Other Dad’s made me a chicken

If we fail we can’t backtrack!

Can’t be dutiful girl and just count on you, Pearls

It’s hard for me to be trusting so cut me some slack!


 [PEARL] 
 *snarls and rolls up her sleeve*

Why you distrustful, gloomy-Gus, cowardly buzz-killer!

Do you wanna let this gold chance pass us by?!

Don't you want everyone happy? See a fairytale end to this story?


    [PEARL]

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

All you need is to exhale!

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this

We’ll succeed if we prevail!

Come on Trucy! Can't you see...?     


 [TRUCY]

OK, Pearly! OK!

Prove me wrong! I’ll play along!

I’ll trust you! Hope this ship won’t sink

But take a look, I'm slightly shook

I’ll pray for luck that we won’t fall flat!

*groans*

I say:

Let’s not do this!


 [TRUCY]

You see trio, I see fail!


[PEARL]

Now let’s do this

Now let’s do this.


 [TRUCY]

Let’s not do this

Let’s not, let’s not, let’s not, let’s not do this


 [TRUCY]

Cuz disaster will prevail!


[PEARL]
*claps her hands against her cheeks*

Now let’s do this

It’ll be a fairytale!


 [TRUCY]

*facepalms*

We’re gonna fail!

 

Chapter 50: The Phantom

Notes:

CT: This parody is essentially one big spoiler for "Dual Destinies". If you haven't played the game and don't want the biggest plot twist to be revealed to you, then turn back now. With that said, I'd like to thank DJJ680 for suggesting the idea which made me immediately think of the emotionless, less-sympathetic "Ace Attorney" version of Don Paolo.

JP: Admittedly, I had to look this one up as I don't know the fandom, but as always, my talented partner has done great justice in this song starring everyone's favorite unfeeling master of disguise! This one goes out to one of our fave readers, who's always got something swell to say with his reviews that always make our day! Enjoy DJJ680! :)

Chapter Text

 


"The Phantom"
Sung to the tune of "Danny Phantom"
series theme song

 

(He's the Phantom.)
(The Phantom, the Phantom, the Phantom.)


Detective Bobby Fulbright, he was 32,
When his life would end out of the blue,
Killed in his sleep by a person whose face no one knew.
(He'll deceive everyone 'cause he's the Phantom.)


When the crime was done, nary a person wondered,
Allowing the killer to create a mask without blunder,
Donning the detective's old clothes,
A new Bobby Fulbright up and rose.
(The Phantom, the Phantom.)


When Bobby returned to work, no one realized,
He couldn't feel a thing, and had no soul in his eyes.
He had no morals, fears, and could brutalize,
He was best when forced to improvise.
He had to stop his identity from being a topic to discuss,
And keeping his crimes a secret was a plus,
So he's here to trick every one of us!


He'll deceive everyone 'cause he's the Phantom,
Deceive everyone 'cause he's the Phantom,
Deceive everyone 'cause he's,
(The Phantom.)

Chapter 51: Yo, Yo, Neo Tokyo!

Notes:

JP: There seemed to be many different versions to the Power Rangers theme, but this is the version/lyrics I went with for this parody: Mix - Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Full song with lyrics (bit . ly / 2zNgJQl) from the 2017 movie. This goes out to my old pal, Yanmegaman and fellow friend/FF writing partner, and Power Ranger lover, Jove's Boy! Hope y'all enjoy! :)

CT: Once again, JP has outdone herself with this parody. I can easily picture Maya singing those lyrics all day every day, much to Phoenix's annoyance!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 "Yo, Yo Neo Olde Tokyo"
Sung to the tune of the

"Go Go Power Rangers"
2017 Movie Theme Version


 

He's got super samurai strength
To knock out evil dorks
She's got fight skills to kick your sad
Ass out the door
Bad guys prepare for big smackdown
Together they'll both kick your hiiiide!


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!
Power Couple Super Heroes!


They know against all evil forces they must stand
They know that Evil Magistrate fool don't stand a chance
Bad guys prepare for big smackdown
Together they'll both kick your hiiiide!


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!
Power Couple Super Heroes!


Bad guys prepare for big smackdown
Together they'll both kick your hiiiide!


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!
Power Couple Super Heroes!


 


Yo,Yo Neo Olde Tokyo!
Yo Steel Samurai Yo!
Yo Yo, Pink Princess Yo!


"Maya!" Phoenix groaned in exasperation as he clapped a hand to his face. "It's bad enough you make me sit through this with you every week, but must you sing along that inane theme song, too? You know those aren't the actual lyrics!"


Maya puffed out her cheeks in indignation as she chucked a sofa cushion at him.


"Well, they should be! You'd think with me being the inspiration for the darn Pink Princess, that my suggested lyrics would have automatically won their theme song contest!"


"You're never going to forgive Edgeworth for spearing that victory away from you with his winning entry, are you?" He teased, only to be rewarded with a baleful glare, along with another hurled couch pillow, this time right in the kisser.


"Very funny, Nick! Edgeworth's song sucks! Can we not agree that 'Ho-Ho, Steel Samurai Ho!' is lamer than a three-legged horse?!"


"I'd agree to anything that'll make you stop committing assault with a fluffy weapon!"


"If I had a real rapier like the Pink Princess right about now, you'd be so dead, Old Man!"

Notes:

JP: To any of you who may have been following my Miego collaboration with Jove's Boy called The Man Behind The Mask on fanfiction.net, I am very happy to say to announce that it's not dead and just happens to line up with the arrival of Godot in the season two Ace Attorney anime, and JB wrote and chapter 3, which is now up, and I swear and all that is holy there will never again be a delay that long in between chapters! I hope you guys like it! :-)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12633472/1/The-Man-Behind-the-Mask

Chapter 52: You Know From Me

Notes:

CT: I'd like to give a big shout-out to Yanmegaman for suggesting this parody an unleashing Sebastian's inner 'Sonic' fanboy; because knowing Sebastian, I wouldn't be surprised if he had a closet filled to the brim with 'Sonic' OCs. I swear, when I watch the video "How to Create Your Own Sonic Fan Character", Sebastian's smug grin is one of the first things to pop into my head. Though that's not the only reason why I chose to make Sebastian and Simon the main characters for this parody.

You see, to me, one of the most interesting relationships in the "Ace Attorney" series that has never been touched upon in cannon is the one between Simon and Sebastian. For while both of them have went through much emotional trauma, they have entirely different goals and outlooks on life- Simon is dour man driven by duty and armed with a tongue as sharp as his wit, whereas Sebastian tries to stay optimistic while giving he does 110%. Plus, given how Simon doesn't take fools lightly and Sebastian's overall naïve, yet friendly nature, I can picture them having their fair share of disputes.

JP: This could not have been an easy song to do, considering all the different musical genres everything from rap to a jazzy/ballad all wrapped up into one song, and I know I couldn't have done it, so I will give mad kudos to my talented copilot for tackling this song request, and of course making it, as usual, mondo hilarious with the previously unexplored dynamic of the Twister Samurai and Herr Unfortunate Bowl Cut! XD

Chapter Text

 "You Know from Me "
Sung to the tune of "Unknown from M.E"
theme by Knuckles
from Sonic the Hedgehog game

 

[It was a slow day at the Prosecutor's Office, so Simon decided to spend it reading a case file for an upcoming trial in his office, which was an otaku' paradise- several rows of shelves filled to full capacity with mangas, a suit of samurai in the back corner of the room, a bonsai tree in a decorative Japanese pot placed next to Taka's perch, where the hawk casually stood with its gaze fixed on the office's entrance, and much more.]

[However, Simon's day of easy reading was interrupted by Sebastian bursting into the office with a piece of paper in his hand,]

["Mr. Blackquill, Mr. Blackquill! I've got something really awesome to show you!"  Sebastian proudly stated as he marched over to his co-worker's desk, prompting the Twisted Samurai to spin his chair around so that his back was turned to the naïve prosecutor.]

["I swear, Deworste, if it's another chapter of that 'Cory in the House' fanfic you've been writing, Taka will hallow out your head for a new nest and use that story for lining."]

["Don't you worry, Mr. Blackquill. This isn't a fanfic. I've been having Klavier proofread those since he was a rock star and knows what's cool."]

["In that case, what do you want to show me?"  Simon asked as he turned his chair back around so he could stare at Sebastian's smiling face.]

["You see, I was searching the internet and I noticed that nearly everyone has a 'Sonic' OC- Mr. Edgeworth, Kay, that weird spiky-haired guy who Mr. Edgeworth won't tell me the name of, and pretty much everyone else we know. But no matter how much I looked, I couldn't find one for you."]

["No."  Simon said as his eyes started to widen.]

["Heck, even I have an OC- Sting the Eel, a cool guy who fires lightning from his hands, plays the saxophone, and wears lots of leather."]

["Deworste, please tell me you didn't…"]

["What? Create an awesome OC for you? Because luckily for you, that's just what I did. Just take a look at this sexy yeast!"  Sebastian smirked as he placed the paper he was holding onto the desk and slid it over to his coworker.]

[Simon was a man who praised himself for being able to control a situation, using his knowledge of psychology that he learned from his sensei to hide his feelings while also subtly manipulating others to do what he desired. However, upon seeing the drawing, if one could even call it that, he was at a complete loss for words. But could anyone blame him?]

[Before the Twisted Samurai was a picture of Storm the Albatross from the 'Sonic Riders' games- a large, hulking, grey creature one could easily mistake for a yeti if not for the yellow beak on his face. However, unlike most OCs which had at least a shred of creativity to them, this one had absolutely none, taking a standard picture of Storm- grey color, yellow gloves, and blackish-grey shoes- and merely adding a sloppy-made black coat that was probably done with the paintbrush tool in Microsoft paint, a white streak on the top of his head, and two little black triangles underneath his eyes on his beak.]

["Isn't he Debeste OC you've ever seen?"  Sebastian asked with a smug grin.]

["Yes… at being garbage."  Simon jeered before crumpling the picture up into a ball and throwing it in his trashcan, which oddly enough had the stern face of a red-eyed guy with short, semi-spiky black hair taped to it. "What the bloody hell is that thing supposed to be?"]

["That's Jailrush the Pigeon."  Sebastian stated with a shaky voice. "He… He went to jail for a crime he didn't do, so he fought to save his reputation by using his job as a prosecutor to catch the real criminal, just like you."]

["Jailrush the Pigeon… JAILRUSH THE PIGEON!?"  Simon snarled, leaning forward as he pressed his hand against his chest. "What kind of name is Jailrush? What is he, some edgy teen who thinks he's sooo deep?"]

["I-I'm sorry, Mr. Blackquill…"  Sebastian whimpered as he bent his baton, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes. "I was just trying to make him cool like all the other 'Sonic' OCs."]

["The phrase 'cool 'Sonic' OC' is an oxymoron, Deworste. Have you ever seen the 'Sonic' fan base? They actually make you look semi-competent by comparison. Though what baffles me more than you actually thinking that I like this is why, of all creatures, you chose a pigeon. Granted, I know that even a nitwit like you could see that I have an affinity for birds, but I am a noble hawk, or at the very least a penguin."]

["Storm and Jet were the only guy birds I could find in the Sonic cast, so I went with Storm because he's tough like you. Plus, you have a lot in common with pigeons- they live in cities, you live in L.A.; they flock around people, you deal with lots of people every day; and the biggest one: both you and they get pretty assertive when you want something. But don't you worry, Mr. Blackquill, I didn't make Jailrush a moron. After all, he is one of Debeste OCs ever made. Did you see the black triangles under his beak?"  Sebastian smirked as he tapped his baton to his hand. "Well, those were tear marks. You see, in prison, Jailrush cried a lot and never bothered to wipe his eyes. Isn't that deep, Mr. Blackquill?"]

["As deep and dark as the hole I want to bury you in,"  Simon wryly retorted as he picked up the case file that he was previously reading. "Now please leave me office so that I can resume reading my case file and get the horrible taste that you and that OC have left in my mouth."]

["Don't be so tasty, Mr. Blackquill. Why, once you hear Jailrush's theme song, I'm sure you'll just love him!"]

["You… You seriously wrote a song for that thing?"  Simon groaned as he facepalmed himself.]

["Yes, after all, I am Debeste. I based it off of Knuckles' theme song, so I named it 'You Know' because you know who the character is, you know?"  Sebastian said with a wink, as if he was under the delusion that he was somehow being mysterious. "And it goes like this…"]


 I don't chat much,

Small talk's nothing but a bother,

Doesn't matter,

'Cause I'm stronger with honor.

The name's Jailrush,

But unlike Edgeworth, I've never gushed,

Never revealed my fandoms and blushed.


I'm cold as steel,

Makes my foes flee and squeal,

Psychology helps me troll like it's no big deal.

Unlike other prosecutors, I'm not in it for pride,

First goal, find the truth, don't let criminals hide.


Born with the spirit of a samurai,

The blood of the peekaboo flows inside me.

I live to protect the daughter of my sensei,

From any and all danger and harm.

Look how I've managed to restore my good name,

As the Twisted Samurai of dark fame and shame.


Anime, sarcasm, and duty,

Are the three things that help keep me alive.

I march to the beat of my own drum,

No one can clip this bird's feathers.


Look how I've managed to restore my good name,

As the Twisted Samurai of dark fame and shame.


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

I shall fight to make the world safe so Athena can thrive.

Even when I'm chained,

Nothing can stop my peerless drive.


I don't chat much,

Small talk's nothing but a bother,

Doesn't matter,

'Cause I'm stronger with honor.

The name's Jailrush,

But unlike Edgeworth, I've never gushed,

Never revealed my fandoms and blushed.


I'm cold as steel,

Makes my foes flee and squeal,

Psychology helps me troll like it's no big deal.

Unlike other prosecutors, I'm not in it for pride,

First goal, find the truth, don't let criminals hide.


Nothing shall pierce my hardened armor.

I don't need help, but I won't refuse it.

I'll work with you for a short time,

Just don't think that I'll hold your hand forever.


Look how I've managed to restore my good name,

As the Twisted Samurai of dark fame and shame.


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

Sometimes you must go down if you want to come out on top.

Even when I'm chained,

I will stand tall and proud.


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

I shall fight to make the world safe so Athena can thrive.

Even when I'm chained,

I will fight. 


I shan't falter,

I will take whatever life throws my way.

Put trust in Sensei's lessons,

And use them for justice.

Sometimes you must go down if you want to come out on top.

Even when I'm chained,

I will stand tall and proud. 


The toughest prosecutor in town with long hair,

Honed in prison, surrounded by despair.

Hey, hey, it's Jailrush,

Always there,

My wit you should beware.

If I see you full of hot air,

I'll give you the coldest glare.

I was born a loner,

I don't need a friend.

I work independently,

And when I'm done, I leave.


 

["So, what do you think? Pretty cool, right?"  Sebastian smirked, completely oblivious to the look of disgust on his coworker's face.]

["Deworste…"  Simon sighed in exasperation, lowering his head and taking a few deep breaths to keep himself from leaping over his desk and assaulting the naïve prosecutor. "I've heard so many idiotic comments come out of that big mouth of yours, but that song has taken the cake."]

["But I tried really, really hard on it!"  Sebastian pathetically retorted, bending his baton as tears streamed down his cheeks. "Kay said that SHE liked it!"]

["That's because Raven Hood was trying to be nice to you since you're her friend. That, and she has horrible tastes if her love of 'Jammin' Ninja' is of any indication. For instance, you said that I-"]

["Jailrush."  Sebastian interjected, earning a sharp glare from his coworker.]

["Yes, Jailrush…"  Simon growled with a tone of pure venom. "Has 'the blood of the peekaboo'. What is that even supposed to mean?"]

["You see, I heard a lot of people calling you that since you love anime and Japan so much, so I figured that it would fit well."]

["You bloody git…"  Simon grumbled under his breath as he facepalmed himself. "The term is 'weeaboo', not peekaboo. And even if you used the term correctly, you would still be horribly wrong since a weeaboo refers to someone who is so obsessed with Japanese culture that they disregard their own and only serve to make Japanese enthusiasts look bad; whereas I am an otaku, someone who appreciates the Japanese culture for its rich history, colorful folklore, and mysterious traditions while keeping in touch with my own. That's why I know over 50 Rakugo stories by heart while also being able to respond to you with the dry, cutting wit made famous by my English heritage."]

["That's weird…"  Sebastian said as he cocked his head to the side out of confusion, prompting Simon to roll his eyes.]

["I know that I'm probably going to regret asking this, but why, pray tell, is that?"]

["I don't know."  Sebastian shrugged his shoulders before holding is arms out in front of him and making a frame with his hands. "I just figured that peekaboo made more sense than weeaboo since you like Pikachu. I mean, I know that the Wii is from Japan, but doesn't Pikachu make more sense since its anime? And for that matter, since I like the DS, does that make me a DS-aboo?"]

["I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."  Simon curtly replied before getting out of his seat and walking towards the door.]

["Classic Jailrush…"  Sebastian smirked as Simon passed by him, prompting the Twisted Samurai to scowl at his inculpable coworker.]

["That abomination that you call a character is nothing like me."]

["Yeah he is! 'Cause you're done, so you're leaving, just like the lyrics in 'You Know'!"  Sebastian stated with his arms spread out and his baton held up proudly.]

["Poor, naïve Deworste…"  Simon smirked as he tapped his forehead. "There's one thing that I do that Jailrush doesn't."]

["And what's that?"  Sebastian asked with an innocent smile.]

[Upon hearing that question, Simon put two fingers to his mouth and pierced the air with a high-pitched whistle, prompting Taka to fly off his perch and dive-bomb the culpable prosecutor.]

["Help me, Mr. Blackquill! Tell Taka to stop attacking me!"  Sebastian wailed as the hawk proceeded to claw and peck at him.]

["Sorry, Deworste, don't think that I'll hold your hand forever."  Simon chuckled as he walked out of his office, leaving his crying coworker alone with his feathered friend.]

 

Chapter 53: (One Final) Hurrah

Notes:

JP: Dang video games have some SWEET tunes – this rocky edgy one reminds me of RWBY which has a wicked cool soundtrack! This video game homage goes out to gamer lover of the spiky hedgehog, my homeboy/FF writer TheFreelancerSeal and my requester pal, Yanmegaman! The setting for this is for SOJ's final Turnabout Revolution case: May 19, 2028, 9:28 am. High Court of Khura'in – Accused Lobby.
While this isn't as hilarious as my funny AF partner's Sonic tribute, I hope y'all like it – a more somber parody with my usual itty bitty bit of shipping thrown in the mix to neutralize the seriousness of the song! :)

CT: After I tackled the more cringe-worthy aspects of the 'Sonic' franchise in "You Know by Me", my wonderful cowriter has decided to take on the series' more epic side- its catchy and blood-pumping songs. Sure, I may not be the biggest 'Sonic' fan out there, but even I can admit that SEGA does an excellent job creating rock songs that really energize you and get stuck in your head. But even if Phoenix and Apollo face difficulties, they can feel safe knowing that they have the real superpower of teamwork on their side.

Chapter Text

 "(One Final) Hurrah"
Sung to the tune
of the video game theme
"(One More Last) Fist Bump"
from Sonic Forces video game


 

 

Like Datz said – they're all counting on me. Yup, no pressure there, at all!

The red attorney felt himself breaking into a cold sweat. Oh, Holy Mother, just what had he gotten himself into?! There was more than just Dhurke's honor on the line here – his whole life was on the line! And even worse, he'd allowed his boss to risk his neck to the scaffold as well! Assuming they didn't execute Apollo first, Maya would send him on a one-way ticket to hell herself for being responsible for the death of her not-so-secret boyfriend!

"The fate of the Revolution and every Khura'inese rests on this trial!"

Apollo felt his horns droop as the Defiant Dragon's closing words floated back to his ears. To make matters worse, if that were even possible, was the anxious way Athena was now staring at him, her heart in her beautiful tear-filled blue eyes, belying the need for any spoken words.

What if he never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to him? That he felt the exact, same way, too, and always had – however depending on the fate of this case, their relationship could be drastically cut short – and over before it even began?!

"The trial will begin shortly, Apollo," Phoenix smiled reassuringly, as though reading his mind. "Let's make our way into the courtroom."

"Right!"

Apollo tried to inject as much bravado in his voice as possible, then did his best to smile bravely as he returned the sniffling redhead's suffocating hug goodbye.

Meanwhile, the whimpering Maya threw all discretion to the wind and fervently kissed Phoenix right on the lips. The couple remained in a lingering embrace for several drawn-out moments before the yellow attorney gently took her arm and ushered them to towards the packed gallery area.

After their love interests were out of sight, the rattled spiky-fringed lad remained cemented on the spot.

"Apollo, you need to take a final, deep breath and pull yourself together. We can't delay this any longer." The spiky-haired man's large, strong hand fell onto the boy's rigid shoulder, trying to urge the unmoving lawyer into moving. "No time for cold feet now. It's show time."

Waves of panic washed over him despite the serene aura radiating from the older man.

Mr. Wright looks so calm – so trusting. He really believes I can get us out of this mess! But how can he seem so unruffled?! Apollo thought wildly. He has so much to lose – even more than I do if we lose this case. He has a daughter he's raising, a woman who loves him – heck he's even essentially a foster father to Pearl, too. He has a family. Yet he's willing to risk all that just to help his employee at the bench?! It isn't right! This isn't his fight!

Yet he also knew offering his mentor last chance to bow out at this eleventh hour would be for naught. The dogged, ever-determined Phoenix Wright never backed away from precarious/life-or-death scenarios.

Or a friend in need.

"I know it's time, Mr. Wright!" Apollo swallowed hard. "Ultimately, I'm not as brave as you – I just can't stop my insides from quaking! All I know is there's no way out of this, just as surely as I know that there's…"


 

[Apollo]
No time to piss or moan
High chance it'll all go wrong
Need you to stand by me
Cuz I'm so scared and jittery
So – last shot for me and you
Let's prove what we can do
Won't know until we try
I'll strive not to cry


 

[Phoenix]

Courts here are whack
You and I may never come back
Could end up dead
It's a high-risk bet
Fighting and appealing
We can't stop believing
We will make things better


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

Forever it'll be known it was me and you
Right beside me as I've been for you
Tearing right through the webs that spider's spun
No one else here that we can trust
Suicide mission but it's a must
Standing united, Justice and Wright
Keep the faith, such is our decree
When truth is found, we'll taste victory
Defeat that fiend, The Thing That Should Not Be
We may meet the Twilight Realm but one final hurrah!


 

[Phoenix]

I know you have felt alone before
Not this time, I'll help settle the score
You fought for me when my hands were tied
Returning the favor for you
It is my great pride


 

[Apollo]

Courts here are whack
You and I may never come back
Could end up dead
It's a high-risk bet
Fighting and appealing
We can't stop believing
We will make things better


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

Forever it'll be known it was me and you
Right beside me as I've been for you
Tearing right through the webs that spider's spun
No one else here that we can trust
Suicide mission but it's a must
Standing united, Justice and Wright
Fight's begun!


 

[Instrumental]


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

It will be known it was me and you
Right beside me as I've been for you
Tearing right through the webs that spider's spun
No one else here that we can trust
Suicide mission but it's a must
Standing united, Justice and Wright


 

[Apollo]
Our friends will watch and pray
We have set the stage
And refuse to be impeded
From being triumphant today


 

[Apollo and Phoenix]

Keep the faith, such is our decree
When truth is found, we'll taste victory
Defeat that fiend, The Thing That Should Not Be
We may meet the Twilight Realm but one final hurrah!


 

"You don't always win your battles, Apollo, but it's good to know you fought them because missed chances break your heart the most."

Phoenix was already extending his clenched fingers towards his protégé's for one last fist bump.

"Nevertheless, no matter how the chips fall today Apollo, I'll always stand by you, even when things are at their most dark. To encourage you, to help you when you get scared. To come right to the edge and see what's there. I'm with you, right up till the end."

"You are where you are because of who you were, but where you go depends entirely on you choose to be. I learned that because of you, Mr. Wright, and it's helped make me who I am today. You've helped make me the man I am today."

Apollo collided his own extended knuckles against those of his childhood idol.

"Together we are stronger, together we are unbroken, and together we can do anything! Look out Khura'in Courtroom – here comes Justice... and Wright!"

 

Chapter 54: Pink Princess

Notes:

CT: Since my wonderful cowriter tackled the concept of a new theme song for "The Steel Samurai" with her rocking "Yo, Yo Neo Olde Tokyo" parody, I've decided to follow-up on it with my take on a new "Pink Princess" theme song. Not to mention, I couldn't resist the urge to have Simon show the world just how big an otaku he is. Sure, Simon can keep it somewhat contained in the courtroom, but I can picture him being a huge anime fan in his personal time who probably has an Excel spreadsheet categorizing potential waifus- ranging from god-tier to trash-tier- and has anime merchandise in every nook and cranny in his home and office.

JP: Here we are, with the last song for Non-Disney November! Didn't expect that to be such a hit, but we still had loads more not-Team Rodent tunes in the mix coming up, so don't worry, we will not be pigeon-holed!

Also, I wasn't expecting a sequel to Maya's "Yo-Yo Neo Olde Tokyo" but this just shows what great synergy funnyman CT and I have, despite our vastly different writing styles! I know you guys will get just a big a laugh as I did by the punchline! ;)
Dedicated to all Sailor Moon fans everywhere!

Chapter Text

"Pink Princess"
Sung to the tune
of the
Sailor Moon
TV show theme


 It was Saturday at one in the afternoon, a time that Maya would typically look forward to every week since that was when they'd air new episodes of the recently rebooted "The Pink Princess: Warrior of Little Olde Tokyo". However, unlike other weeks where Phoenix couldn't pry his bubbly assistant away from the television to save his life, the spiky-haired attorney actually had to literally drag the petite spirit medium to the couch- a task made especially hard by the fact that she was pressing her feet against the ground as hard as she could.

"Come on, Maya, don't be like this. You like the Pink Princess." Phoenix pleaded, only to be met with the ebony-haired girl's icy glare.

"The Pink Princess is dead to me, Nick!" Maya huffed with crossed arms. "The only action hero I know is the Steel Samurai!"

"Look, Maya, I know you're still a bit upset about losing that theme song contest last week, but you've got to move on." Phoenix calmly stated as he gently put his hand on his assistant's shoulder. "It's one thing when you keep your anger to yourself, but it's another thing when you start scaring away potential clients by asking them things like, 'Why do we form friendships, only to be betrayed?'"

"You don't understand, Nick! It was one thing when Edgeworth won that "Steel Samurai" song contest last month, but I am the Pink Princess! Without me, that show wouldn't even exist! But how do they repay me? Instead of choosing my idea which is filled with action, and electric guitars, and people singing 'yo' over and over, they give the Pink Princess this girly song that makes her look like some girly girl who does girly things!" Maya yelled as she puffed out her reddened cheeks.

"Maya, that's how the Pink Princess has always been."

"She is not, Nick!"

"What show have you been watching? When she's not in her Pink Princess persona, Aiko is a college student who's studying to be a vet and has a deep love for cute, fluffy animals and fashion. Heck, I remember all of those filler episodes that you made me watch in the original series where Aiko would engage in some kind of fashion trend to impress her crush…" Phoenix cocked his head to the side for a few seconds in an attempt to recall the name, only to come up with nothing. "Ok, I can't remember his name, but that really short, angry guy who always wore a suit for some strange reason."

"I don't care, Nick! That new theme song is not my Pink Princess and I refuse to watch it!" Maya pouted with crossed arms.

"Just give it another chance. Who knows, maybe it'll grow on you after you give it another listen." Phoenix optimistically stated as he turned on the television, the screen glowing pink as the new "Pink Princess" theme song started playing.


 Fighting under the full moon,
Falling in love at high noon,
Doesn't ever give up very soon,
She is known as the Pink Princess.


 She will always fight to save the city,
Calling on friends when things get tricky,
They aren't afraid to get dirty,
She is known as the Piiink…


 Pink Baroness,
Pink Countess,
Pink Marchioness,
Pink Duchess.


 Blessed with skills,
That are a real thrill,
She is known as the Pink Princess.


Footage of the Pink Princess fighting various villains was shown as the music continued to play before the lyrics started up again.


 Fighting under the full moon,
Falling in love at high noon,
With the Pink Nobles she won't lose soon,
She is known as the Pink Princess.
She is known as the Pink Princess.
She is known as… Pink Princess!


 "I still hate it, Nick!" Maya fumed with clenched fists. "I can't believe that they chose this lame theme song over mine!"

"That's what you can't believe?" Phoenix chimed in with a surprised look on his face as the episode started. "Personally, I'm more surprised by the fact that Prosecutor Blackquill was the one who submitted it!"

 

Chapter 55: Your Wedding Day

Notes:

JP: For PurpleHoodedAngel and Chloemcg. Milady, I know you requested this for Miego, but I thought of the only canon nuptials we've seen in the series, with SOJ's Ellen Wyatt and Sorin Sprocket, and thought these hard luck newlyweds deserved some romance after all they endured! I picture them cheek to cheek, dancing under the stars on that magical blimp at their wedding reception while the band serenades them. Plus, I have something equally romantic planned for AA's sexiest duo! Hope you guys enjoy our return to Disney now with the joyous holiday season upon us – it's a time for music bearing Christmas themes and magical romance galore! :)

CT: I swear, whenever I read the lyrics to this parody, I can't help but picture hearing Larry's light sobs as he pressed his head against the door to the dining hall before security came and took him away. But back to the lovely couple that this parody stars, even though Sorin and Ellen are one of the newest couples introduced in the series, they quickly instilled in me a very similar charm that Magshoe has. You can tell that even though they have their issues, Sorin and his anterograde amnesia and Ellen and her crying pan, they truly are in love and are willing to go to the ends of the earth for each other.

Chapter Text

 

"Your Wedding Day"
Sung to the tune of
"Bella Notte" from Disney's
Lady & The Tramp


[Lead Band Singer]

Now look at this sight
At your beautiful bride
In your arms on your wedding day


 Gaze in her eyes
You see love, no surprise
After all, it's your wedding day


Groom and bride, life has just begun
You've crossed the final frontier
You're meant to be, you can tell
Two souls united here


 So look at this sight
As the stars shine so bright
Upon you on your wedding day


  [Band Chorus]

Look at this sight
Handsome groom by your side
In your arms, on your wedding day


Gaze in his eyes
You see love, no surprise
After all, it's your wedding day


 Groom and bride, life's begun
You've crossed final frontier
You're meant to be, you can tell
Two souls united here


 Now look at this sight
Bello groom, bella bride
Hearts entwined on their wedding day

 

Chapter 56: Debeste and von Karma Song

Notes:

CT: When it comes to writing "Ace Attorney" fanfics, there are two things I can't resist: Manfred worshiping Santa like a god, and Blaise doing whatever he can to ruin someone's good time. That's why to celebrate the holiday season, I've decided to have Blaise dress up as a classic Santa-hating character who likes fire almost as much as he does. Plus, with how egotistical both Manfred and Blaise are, the idea of them writing songs where they're literally singing their praises isn't that unbelievable. So with that, I want to wish you all a wonderful holiday season filled with lots of joy and merriment.

JP: I've officially accepted any headcanon about Blaise, Gant and Manny that my hilarious partner writes in his sidesplitting FF's because nobody does them better, or more believable. Plus, despicable fiends like Blaise and Nosferatu don't ever have friends, they have "frenemies" and this ultimate villain Xmas tune shows a great depiction of their twisted relationship. Who's the more loathsome? Let us know!

Chapter Text

 "Debeste and von Karma Song"
sung to the tune of
"Snow and Heat Miser Song"

from  The Year Without Santa

 

 


[It was the evening of Christmas Eve and Manfred was scurrying around his mansion wearing a sweater with a picture of a smiling globe and the caption 'Joy to the World!' below it and an uncharacteristically happy grin on his face as he made preparations for Santa's arrival.]

[However, the veteran prosecutor's efforts were interrupted when he heard a sudden knock at his front door, which he wasted no time in opening.]

["How can I be-" Manfred stopped midsentence, his smile turning into a scowl as he glared daggers at his visitor: Blaise, who was wearing a red shirt and yellow leggings, both of which were coated with glitter to give them a sparkling effect, a clown nose, pointed elf ears which were painted red, a red and orange wig, and a skimmer hat with a red and orange stripe, and ten-year-old Sebastian, whose nose, ears, hair, and hat matched his father's- the only difference in the Debestes' outfits was that Sebastian was wearing a yellow jumpsuit that matched his father's pants- and was holding a boombox that was playing a karaoke-version of Heat Miser's theme song.]

[However, before Manfred could respond, Blaise started singing his version of the beloved Christmastime song.]


{Blaise}
I'm Mr. Debeste,
I'm Mr. Sin,
I'm Mr. Corruption,
I'm Mr. Dirty Win.


They call me Debeste,
Whatever I see,
Withers and disappears with ease.
I impress even me!


{Sebastian}
He's Mr. Cool Dad,
He's Mr. Rad,
He's Mr. First-Rate,
He's Mr. So-Good-He's-Bad.


{Blaise}
They call me Debeste,
Whatever I see,
Withers and disappears with ease.


{Sebastian}
He impresses me!


["As if that's hard to do." Blaise wryly retorted.]


{Blaise}
I never want to see a world that's free of villainy,
I'd rather have it filled with malice and debauchery!


["Y'see, there are people who like to be evil, but I really live for it, y'know!" Blaise sneered.] 


{Sebastian}
He's Mr. Handsome,
He's Mr. Hip Pops,


{Blaise}
Now you're making sense, Sebastian!


{Sebastian}
He's Mr. Stylish,
He's Mr. Always-At-The-Top.


{Blaise}
They call me Debeste,
Whatever I see,
Withers and disappears with ease.
I impress even me!


{Sebastian}
Even me!


["Even perfect records aren't safe from me, y'know."  Blaise sneered.  "Though I don't think I have to remind you of that, von Karma."

["You think you can ruin my Christmas by insulting both me and Santa by dressing up as Heat Miser and singing that ridiculous song? Well, two can play at this game, Debeste!"  Manfred roared before snapping his fingers and yelling into the mansion.  "Miles, Franziska, Code Miser!"]

[Within seconds of being called, 19-year-old Edgeworth and 12-year-old Franziska arrived at the door, with the former holding a boombox that was playing a karaoke-version of Snow Miser's theme song, as Manfred began singing his own version.] 


{Manfred}
I'm Mr. von Karma,
I'm Mr. Kingpin,
I'm Mr. Faultless,
I'm Mr. Perfect Win.


Everyone knows von Karma,
Whatever I see,
Bends to my will with ease.
I impress even me!


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Number One,
He's Mr. Right,


["Correct." Manfred smirked.]


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Perfect Genes,
He's Mr. Defense-Attorney's-Blight.


{Manfred}
Everyone knows von Karma,
Whatever I see,
Bends to my will with ease.


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He impresses us!


{Manfred}
I never want to see a world filled with victorious defense attorneys,
I'd rather see them defeated and crying before me!


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Upstanding,
He's Mr. Exact,


["You know it's true."  Manfred chimed in]


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
He's Mr. Nobility,
He's Mr. Divinely-Backed.


{Manfred}
Everyone knows von Karma,
Whatever I see,
Bends to my will with ease.
Heh… Even me. 


{Edgeworth and Franziska}
Even me!

Chapter 57: Esto Es Amor

Notes:

JP: The last time we saw Mia, she was denying her ardor to a certain suave Hispanic hunk to Lana and Maya. Well, the cat's – er, the kitten's out of the bag now, so let's see what happens when Diego find out about this! ;)

I've always had a headcanon that with the coffee loving defense attorney being Latino, he and Mia spoke sweet nothings to each other in Spanish all the time. :)

This song goes out to PurpleHoodedAngel (and here's your Miego, loyal reader Chloemcg! I hope you find this substitution for "Bella Notte" to be satisfactory, milady!) and all Mia X Diego fans out there!

CT: It's official, JP is the Queen of Miego. Every time she does a parody involving these two, I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Though to add onto my wonderful cowriter's headcanon, I can't help but imagine Mia having a hard time learning Spanish when she first started dating Diego, resulting in many laughs and slow headshakes on his part.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 "Esto Es Amor"
Sung to the tune of
"So This Is Love" from
Disney's  Cinderella

 

"I thought I'd find you out here," Diego's rich baritone sounded behind Mia out on the terrace of the grand hotel ballroom where their boss, Marvin Grossberg's grand 60th birthday party was in full effect. "Were the festivities getting to be a bit too much?"

"It was getting really hot in there, with all those people on the dance floor," she admitted, gratefully accepting the cold glass of champagne he offered her. "I needed to get some air."

"The band is playing some really great music in there, kitten. You're missing out."

"I can hear it perfectly from out here." She actually found herself humming slightly to the sultry tune of the saxophone that was now playing. "The band is amazing. I do love this song."

"Then you must dance with me to it." His intense dark gaze born to hers. "I won't take no for an answer. You've been avoiding me all night – and all week. Ever since I had the most interesting chat with your good friend Lana …"

"No, I haven't!" She denied hotly, refusing to meet his eye. "I just didn't feel like having you mock me ever since my so-called best friend decided to spill the beans about my alleged crush on you when you bumped into her at the coffee shop the other day!"

"She never said you had a crush on me… She just said the lady doth protest too much." He smirked. "Considering you haven't been able to look me in the eye ever since I brought this information to your attention, I can't help but wonder if there is any truth to this charge?"

"Of course there isn't!" Mia denied, her face flushing with anger and embarrassment. "Why would I  like you, the gold medalist for the bedroom Olympics? You are macho, arrogant and a womanizer and the only reason you keep asking me out is that you obviously see me as another potential conquest!"

"That is absolutely not true," he deadpanned, his eyes never leaving hers. "Perhaps the champagne has given me the courage to say something I should've said some time ago, but the truth is, you're not just another potential notch on my bedpost, Mia Fey. I love you... even though you aren't naked right now."

Her eyes widened in shock and feminine indignation at the outrageous words, and he let out a rich chuckle, taking her hand and clasping it in his before she used it to give him a deserved slap.

"That line would have worked on anyone but you. Truth be told, I am quite guilty of sharing my body with women – but never my heart. Let me try this again."

His heart was in his eyes as he took her hands in his, his handsome face a mask of veracity.

"Mia, there isn't one person in the world that I want more than I want you. Only you. There is no other – nor will there ever be another."

Mia blinked, unsure she'd heard him right. Exactly what was in the champagne he had given her? Obviously was causing her to be hearing things …

While her mind spun from his declaration, Diego took advantage of her momentarily stunned state and was already leading her into a slow waltz, right there on the veranda.

"You and I are meant to be, kitten, and you know it," he murmured, leaning down close so she could smell his intoxicating, masculine scent that made her senses tingle. "Tonight, on this Christmas Eve event, why don't we allow for a holiday miracle to happen, and finally confess what's been going on between us all this time?"

"And what would that be?" Being so close to him was making her feel weak in the knees. Mia thought they would have given out if his strong arms hadn't been holding her up.

"Amor, kitten. You know and I know it." His expression was tender and he ran a finger down her cheek. "This is love. Esto es amor."

"Love," Mia whispered dazedly, finally saying the word for the feeling she'd been fighting for far too long. It sounded right. "So this… is love."


[Mia]

Mmmmmm, Mmmmmm
Esto es amor, mmmmmm
Esto es amor
When you feel your souls entwine
Dreamed of this day, mmmmmm
Y ahora sé


[Diego]

Y ahora sé


[Mia and Diego]

Promise to love you for all time


[Mia]

And my heart sings, mmmmmm

I can't deny


[Mia and Diego]

I am yours till the day that I die

Let's pray that this magical spell lasts forever more


[Mia]

Mi amor 


[Diego]

Mi gatito


"Te quiero mucho, Mia Fey." He took her face in his hands, so she could clearly see all the sincerity and the promise of new beginnings reflected in his loving gaze. "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."

"Yo también te quiero, Diego Armando," Mia whispered, her shining amber orbs glowing as she leaned forward to meet the mouth already descending towards hers. "I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."


[Mia and Diego]

Esto es amor  


[Miego kiss]

Notes:

Esto es amor - So this is love

Y ahora sé – And now I know

Mi amor – My love

Mi gatito – my kitten

Te quiero mucho – I love you so much

Yo también te quiero – I love you too

Chapter 58: Man-nay, Man-nay, The Pool's The Place To Be!

Notes:

CT: Out of all the suggestions that we've received as of now, this one was unique in that I honestly wasn't sure if ChloboShoka wanted us to cover "Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A Pirate's Life for Me" or "Heigh-Ho" since both songs are very similar in terms of their famed lyrics. So ChloboShoka, if you were intending for this to be a parody of "Heigh-Ho", I'm very sorry. Though in my opinion, "Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A Pirate's Life for Me" better suits Gant due to the upbeat tempo and the fact that pirates love water almost as much as he does.

JP: OK, just before Xmas we bring you this light-hearted melody based off a bunch of beering,, cheering pirates…with two of the most sneering, jeering bad guys in the AA universe being merry … for completely non-holiday related reasons in this hilarious Manny/Gant frenemy spoof that am sure will have you raising your mugs as you sing along! Enjoy… and to all, a good night!

Chapter Text

 

"Man-nay, Man-nay, The Pool's The Place To Be"
sung to the tune of
"Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A Pirate's Life for Me"
from Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean


 

["Ugh…" Manfred groaned, his aching head feeling as if someone was crushing it with a massive weight."Where am I…? Why are my arms and legs bound?! And why am I wearing my swimsuit?!"The veteran prosecutor exclaimed with much terror in his voice as he realized that his arms and legs were tightly bound with two sets of ropes and that he was wearing nothing but a pair of black swim trunks."Wait a minute…"The 'perfect' prosecutor paused as he took a moment to take note of his surroundings- the black leather back seat of a car that was littered with a multitude of food wrappers and empty soda cups."Please tell me that I'm not-"]

["Rise and shine, Manny!" Gant exclaimed with a smile on his face as he turned his head, only to be met by the veteran prosecutor's scowling face.]

["Gant, why am I tied up and wearing nothing but a swimsuit in the back of this pigsty that you call a car?"  Manfred growled at the happy-go-lucky police chief.]

["Sorry about the mess, Manny." Gant stated with an embarrassed chuckle as he returned his attention to the road ahead of him."I haven't had much time to tidy up, what with all my responsibilities as Chief of Police."]

["You didn't answer my question." Manfred snarled through clenched teeth, his already-low patience running thin.]

["Well, you kept on refusing my offers to come swim with me at the public pool, so I decided to take matters into my own hands by sneaking into your house and adding a little something to your orange juice carton to make you a little more agreeable and a little less conscious." Gant nonchalantly responded.]

["You drugged me!?"Manfred exclaimed with saucer-sized eyes.]

["'Drugged' is an awfully strong word. I like to think of it as 'covert sedation'."]

["You've gone mad, Gant! I'd expect this sort of thing from Debeste, but never from you. Debeste may do this kind of thing when he wants me to take his place at social events, like that one time I was rendered unconscious after eating my lunch, only to wake up at his son's piano recital, but at least he's never done so for a reason as foolish as making me go to the public pool!"]

["There's nothing foolish about the public pool, Manny. And if you don't believe me, then maybe this will change your mind." Gant chirped as he tuned on his cd player which started playing a karaoke-version of Disney's "A Pirate's Life for Me" as he started singing his own lyrics to the beloved song.]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll swim, we'll splash, we'll all have a blast,
So put on your sunblock, Man-nay!
We'll jump and dive and do laps so fast,
That your head will spin, Man-nay!


 

["And how do you expect me to apply sunblock when I'm bound in the back of this garish abomination that you call a car?" Manfred growled as Gant continued his song.]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll cool right down and then we'll relax, we'll get every snack,
I'll buy you a soda, Man-nay!
Frolic and laugh and make many wisecracks,
It's such a delight, Man-nay!


 

["I don't want snacks, I don't want soda, and I don't want to spend my day at the pool with you! Now turn this vehicle around and take me back to my home immediately!" Manfred roared, wriggling and thrashing about in a vain attempt to free himself as Gant resumed singing.]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll play, we'll enjoy, we'll get you pool noodles,
So that you can float, Man-nay!
Watch and hide and splash fancy poodles,
Giggle over screams, Man-nay!


 

["The only screaming you'll be hearing will be your own when I drown you with those pool noodles if you don't turn around this instant." Manfred hissed, flashing Gant a death glare as the jovial chief of police kept on singing his merry song.]


 

Adults, teenagers, kids big and small,
No one hates the pool, Man-nay!
Even Blaisie likes it, gives it his all,
When ogling hot girls, Man-nay!


 

["Objection!" Manfred bellowed."I hate the pool almost as much as I hate your idiotic song!"]


 

Man-nay,
Man-nay,
The pool's the place to be.
We'll play games and eat lunch and even dinner,
We'll stay till closing, Man-nay!
Yes! But you won't feel so very bitter,
When the day's all done, Man-nay!


 

["No, I'll instead be feeling an overwhelming desire to see you dead."  Manfred snapped.]

["Well, in that case, I better avoid elevators… I wouldn't wanna to end up like Gredgeworthy, now would I?"  Gant joked, snickering as the veteran prosecutor's eyes widened, fearful that someone had stumbled upon his greatest secret- and not just some random person, but the Chief of Police.]

["I-" The 'perfect' prosecutor tried to state an excuse, only to get cut off by his friend .]

["I know, Manny, you got real lucky. I mean, your most hated enemy gets murdered and you didn't even have to lift a finger. But unfortunately for you, there are no elevators at the public pool. Speaking of which, we're here!"  Gant cheered as he pulled into a spot right by the entrance as the veteran prosecutor repeatedly banged his head against the door in a desperate attempt to put himself out of his misery.]

 

Chapter 59: (So Rejoice) It's Christmastime!

Notes:

JP: Here's my humble holiday homage to the world's best singer/drummer, the legendary Phil Collins (I am not worthy good sir!) as requested by both milady Chloemcg and my wonderful funnyman partner, CzarThwomp. This scenario is set after poor Clay was murdered in DD and after the last case is over… Apollo may have rejoined the WAA but he's still moping and in no mood for anything else remotely holiday related! That is, until a very special girl brings him back to the light with the special brand of her magic! Pure Gramarye sibling fluff!

CT: If there's one thing that Christmas is known for besides stores shoving it down our throats since October- seriously, I one time saw a store selling an inflatable pumpkin snowman at the start of October- it's Christmas magic. So it shouldn't be much of a surprise to see everyone's favorite magician striving to spread some holiday cheer in JP's latest parody as she tries to cheer up the Anything Agency's version of the Grinch. Seriously, I can just picture Apollo staring out of his apartment's window, a glare on his face as he imagines Trucy hopped up on sugar and screaming at the top of her lungs.

Chapter Text

"(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime"
Sung to the tune of

"Through My Eyes"
from Disney's  Brother Bear


 On Noël Eve, you and me can
Set out homemade cookies
Just for Santa
He'll come for them
If you keep believing


 Let's go hang
Outside
Colored lights so bright
And see
With glee
Season's blessings shining around you


 (So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime


 I know sometimes, your sad memories
Won't let you see brightness
But if you can open your heart
Let the love and light in


 Let's go hang
Outside
Colored lights so bright
And see
With glee
Season's blessings shining around you


 (So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime


 

I know smiling might feel strange
It just means that you're now healing
I'll be here when you're in need
I'll comfort you and hold your hand


(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic


 Ooh, Rejoice, It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
It's when peace and joy both fill the air
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(It's Christmastime)
Everything's magic
Don't let sorrow make you blind
Everything's magic
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime
It's Christmastime
(Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime
(So Rejoice) It's Christmastime

 

Chapter 60: Cell Block Waltz

Notes:

CT: As you've seen in past parodies, Central Prison is no stranger to musical numbers. So since we've seen what the men sing about, let's turn to the women... and Kristoph and Atishon as suggested by Memes&Musicals.What? There weren't enough female convicts with actual backstories to fill the cast. Sure, I could have used Iris, Vasquez, Morgan, and Roland, but the former two didn't really fit the theme of the song since Iris was only an accomplice to murder and Dee killed purely out of self-defense and the latter two are in no way sympathetic. I mean, Roland's crimes include, but aren't limited to, presidential assassination, ruthlessly interrogating a child, and stabbing a prisoner in the neck purely because he unknowingly had a chisel in his chessboard, and Morgan's, well... Morgan. If Dahlia Hawthorne of all people calls someone cold, twisted, horrible, bitter, and vengeful, then you know that they have acid for blood and an empty void where their soul should be.

JP: Happy 2019! New year, new month! We are kicking off things this January with the theme being "musicals n'stuff"- pretty fitting for a requester named Memes&Musicals, am I Wright? How fitting is it that girly manicure man, whom I've not so affectionately deemed the Periwinkle Pisshead, counts as one of the girls here? We're delighted we could do this request for one of our wonderfulA03 readers! Enjoy the dance of the damned, y'all! ;)

Chapter Text

 

"Central Prison Waltz"
Sung to the tune of "Cellblock Tango"
from the smash musical hit,Chicago

 

[In the outdoor recreational area for the women's section of Central Prison, several reporters are sitting in folding chairs, their pens and notepads at the ready, before a makeshift stage. And right when the last reporter takes their seat, the warden- a small, lanky man with a big grin on his face- and several guards guide Mimi Miney, Cammy Meele, Alita Tiala, Geiru Toneido, Kristoph Gavin, and Paul Atishon onto the stage in a single file line.]


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

["And now, dear reporters, put your hands together for the Five Merry Murderesses of Central Prison- and Paul Atishon- as they perform their version of the "Cell Block Tango', the 'Central Prison Waltz'!" The warden cheerfully exclaims.]

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
What goes around comes around.
If you'd have known him,
If you'd have met him,
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


 

[The spotlight shines on Mimi.]

["Have you ever had a boss you despise, the kind of person who you fantasize about punching in the face over and over again every day? Well, if you take every negative aspect of their personality and multiply it by a thousand, then you get my former boss, Dr. Turner Grey. The man was a monster and would do everything in his power to make life a living hell for me and the other nurses working for him by giving us long workdays and more patients than any nurse should have to handle. And to make things worse, on days it rained, Grey would be in an especially bad mood, standing over my shoulder and yelling at the top of his lungs about how the weather girl couldn't predict the weather to save her life."]

["But when that malpractice incident went public, I decided to be the bigger person and took the brunt of the blame. Sure, I hated the guy, but I didn't know how long it would take for me to find another nursing job, especially coming from a place where 14 people were killed. Though now that I think about it, I should have taken my chances; because how did that bastard repay me? He drugged me right before I left for work one day, causing me to get into a car accident that killed my baby sister and left me burnt beyond recognition! See my face?! This is the face of the sister that was killed because of that bastard!"]

["Fortunately, I got my revenge. One day, when I was taking classes at my sister's college as I lived out her life, Grey approached me and asked me about where he could find a spirit medium who would allow him to see my 'sister', i.e. me, so that he could get 'her' to sign a document confessing that 'she' was completely at fault for the malpractice incident. Well, I told him where he could go before calling the woman who ran the place and striking a deal with her."]

["So on the day of the channeling, I saw Grey… right before I stabbed him and shot him right in the forehead."]


 

{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
What goes around comes around.
If you'd have known him,
If you'd have met him,
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

[The spotlight shines on Cammy.]

["I was living the dream- using my position as a flight attendant to smuggle art around the world, forging a few documents, and getting rich in the process. Hell, the hardest part of my job was doing my work as an actual flight attendant, but even then, I didn't have to do much since my boyfriend, who was also a pilot, would cover for me whenever I decided to goof-off, which was pretty much all the time."]

["Yeah, life was great… until some Interpol agent decided to rain on my parade. Apparently, the guy suspected that some valuable statue that was being transported was swapped out for a fake during a layover and was insisting that he check out the cargo hold to verify if this was true. Of course, I wanted to keep him as far away from that area of the plane because he was right, but I had no choice but to comply. I couldn't just say no to some glorified cop and make myself look suspicious. So I took him down to the hold and he started snapping pictures of the area on his phone. Snap! Snap! And all the while, I was getting more and more nervous."]

["Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and just snapped- no pun intended- and pushed him over the upper level's railing. And the next 'snap' that cop heard was when his back hit the ground."]


 

{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
He took me for a ride.
He really mocked me,
And also poked me.
It wasn't murder,
But rather suicide.


 

[The spotlight shines on Alita.]

["I love money. Who doesn't? You can have anything and anyone you want with enough of the green stuff. And one day, I was given the opportunity to get a lot of it on a silver platter."]

["You see, my boss was a mob doctor who primarily treated the Kitaki family while I served as a nurse. So one day, the head of the family's son, Wocky, was shot in the heart during a little scuffle- probably because he was being the stupid little 'tough' guy that he is, and I use the term 'tough' very loosely- and needed surgery. But when we went to operate on him, we saw that the bullet was literally inches away from his heart- to take that thing out would run the risk of killing him just as much as the bullet itself. So we left it in there, patched Wocky up, wrote up a fake report saying that he was fine, and gave the brat a lemon-flavored lollypop… which we swapped out for a grape because lemon's apparently not 'gangsta' enough."]

["Now, my boss simply wanted to forget the incident and simply wait for the bullet to do its job, but I, on the other hand, saw an opportunity. I knew that if I was married to Wocky, I could get all of his family's money the day he died from that bullet. So as much as it pained me to do so, I wasted no time in popping the question to Wocky, which he agreed to before I could finish asking it."]

["But unfortunately, life's not that easy. The Kitakis quickly found out about the botched surgery during a routine checkup. So there I was, forced to cover up my tracks by going to that clinic later that night, holding my boss at gunpoint, and forcing him to give me the file so that I could get rid of it."]

["But as you can probably guess, things took a turn for the worse, so I'll save you the time and tell you the short version of the story- my boss strangled me with a lamp cord, I blacked out, he dumped my body and the gun I had into a noodle cart, and tried to dump me in a river, only to get stopped by Wocky being Wocky, giving me the chance to off him before he could reveal my involvement."]

["Now, for those of you saying that I'm a cold, manipulative harlot for using Wocky's life as a means to an end, it was no picnic for me. I earned every last cent that family had after everything I had to put up with, hiding my rage and hate behind an angelic smile. Why, if I had a dollar for every time that Vanilla Ice knockoff said 'bizzzoy' or started crying whenever we got past first base, I'd have enough money to buy and sell him and his family ten times over."]


 

{Everyone}
If you'd have known him,
If you'd have met him,
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

[The spotlight shines on Kristoph.]

["I'm Kristoph Gavin and I killed a man named 'Smith' with a bottle because I am an evil human being. And as for why I'm in this train wreck of a musical production, the new warden, Fred Leemann, is under the absurd delusion that I am a woman and had me forcibly moved to the women's section of the prison despite my protests."  Kristoph snaps with crossed arms while glaring daggers at the smiling warden.]

["You can't fool me, Ms. Gavin!" Fred says with a wave of his hand"I've seen how you've taken ample time styling your hair, painting your nails, and watching romantic comedies during your recreation time. But back to the topic of this song, aren't you forgetting your other crimes? You know, how you slipped Phoenix Wright forged evidence, poisoned a man, and attempted to the same to his daughter?"]

["As I, KRISTOPH Gavin, have stated before, those other charges were not proven in a proper court of law. They were thrust upon me by Phoenix Wright to cover his tracks after he twisted the justice system, forged evidence, and brainwashed my protégé in order to cover his tracks."]


 

[The spotlight shines on Geiru.]

["My father was my hero. Every day, he'd go onstage and perform Rakugo shows for adoring crowds with everything he had. I couldn't help but admire his energy, always putting everything he had into telling those stories. That's why I joined the Toneido School as soon as I could in the hopes of following his footsteps and inheriting his stage name. Though unlike my dad, I was never good at the whole storytelling thing- my voice and personality ain't all that flexible, ya know? So I decide to take up balloon art, which made me pretty popular with our audiences since I was able to enhance my performance in more ways than one, if ya know what I mean."]

["But no matter how hard I worked, or how many successful shows I put on, nothing was good enough for Taifu! He'd give me these weird riddles for advice like he was Yoda or something and send me off on my merry way before partying with his other student with soba and booze. It's not fair, I tell ya! Just 'cause I'm allergic to buckwheat and don't have four personalities doesn't mean ya can just cast me aside. That's right, while all of my performances were all me, that freak of nature that was Taifu's other student was only able to perform Rakugo because he had four personalities- his standard self, some annoyingly upbeat jester, a scared little boy, and a passive-aggressive slut."]

["Oh, but that ain't all what four-square got. He also got my father's name. So on the day he was set to inherit the name Uendo Toneido, I paid Taifu a visit and gave him a delicious last meal in the form of suffocating him with some udon dough. What? That doesn't sound delicious? Well, Taifu certainly thought it was to die for."]


 

{Everyone}
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)


 

They deserved it from the start.
I'm not guilty,
But if that's not true,
You can't fault me if you've got a heart.


 

They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They deserved it from the start.
(They took me for a ride.)
I'm not guilty,
(He really mocked me,)
But if that's not true,
You can't fault me if you've got a heart.


 

[The spotlight shines on Paul.]

["Greetings, esteemed reporters, I am Paul Atishon, politician, intellectual, and a man who loves everything and everyone. But as you can probably see, I've suffered a minor setback, which resulted in me being temporarily detained so that I can reflect upon my errors. But I am a man who sees the glass as half-full, who sees the silver lining in every cloud, and who turns the sour lemons that life gives him into sweet lemonade. That's why when Mr. Leemann couldn't find a sixth girl to perform in this musical number, I gladly volunteered to help. For how could I live with myself if I merely sat back and allowed my community to suffer? I couldn't, because to me, nothing is more important than community and how it brings people together. After all, you can't spell 'community' without 'unity'. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a greater sense of community! Remember that when I'm able to return to the streets and run for office."]

["Though speaking of community, do you know who hated it? Archie Buff. Here I welcome him to Kurain village with open arms after losing his wife by giving him the Crystal of Ami Fey to research, an artifact given to one of my ancestors- a famous politician who kissed many babies- for protecting the spirit mediums practicing the Kurain Channeling Technique, after learning that he had to quit his job as an archeologist. And how did he repay my kindness? Why, he took my family's precious crystal and hid it in some underground cave just because he heard a rumor that it was actually an invaluable artifact stolen from Khura'in. The nerve of that man! And can you believe that he had the audacity to blatantly refuse to give me the crystal or even tell me where he hid it when I approached him one day and kindly asked for it back!?"]

["So while I may be a peaceful man who loathes violence in every way, shape, and form, I was left with no choice but to kill Mr. Buff by sneaking into his house and pushing a heavy suitcase onto his head from the upper level of his home. Now, this may make me look like a monster, and I don't blame you- after all, you're all fine, upstanding citizens with stellar morals. But consider this: when it comes to killing off people, most politicians just sit back and let their lackeys do all the work, but not me! I am a man who cares about the people and a man of action! So if I want someone dead, I'm not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get the job done. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for returning to a simpler time when politicians would do unsavory deeds themselves!"]


 

{Everyone}
That freakin' jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!
That freakin' jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!


 

They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
The really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They deserved it from the start.
'Cause if they mocked us,
('Cause if they mocked us,)
And also poked us,
(And also poked us,)
You can't fault us if you've got a heart!


 

He really deserved it,
(He really deserved it,)
He really deserved it,
(He really deserved it,)
What goes around comes around.
(What goes around comes around.)
If you'd have known him,
(If you'd have known him,)
If you'd have met him,
(If you'd have met him,)
I betcha you'd also strike him down!


 

{Mimi}
["The weather girl said it was sunny."]

{Cammy}
["Some Interpol agent decided to rain on my parade."]

{Alita}
["Vanilla Ice knockoff."]

{Kristoph}
["I am an evil human being."]

{Geiru}
["All of my performances were all me."]

{Atishon}
["Vote for Paul Atishon!"]


 

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.

 

Chapter 61: All My Life I've Awaited This

Summary:

JP: For Guest reviewer, who suggested perhaps from Pearl's perspective as she observes Maya and Phoenix some time back. Well, I loved the idea so much that I decided to make this song the sequel to "We Can Do It!" with Trucy playing the part of the adorable animated animals and Pearl, of course, the starry-eyed Phaya shipper, is all dreamy-eyed as she sees her OTP leaning forward, faces close, for what looks like a kiss in the making sitting on a bench at People Park while their girls spy from the bushes! (Post SOJ)

CT: I swear, if Phoenix and Maya ever get married, the happiest person at that wedding will be without a doubt Pearl. She's been shipping Phaya for over a decade- even when Phoenix was going through his hobo daddy phase- and has done so much planning that she could put the likes of Simon Keyes and Kristoph Gavin to shame. I mean, what child before the age of ten actively plans romantic getaways for their guardians under their noses? Hopefully, Larry won't try to make a scene when Phoenix and Maya do get married, otherwise, Pearl will send him flying into the stratosphere.

Chapter Text

"All My Life I've Awaited This"
Sung to the tune of
"I've Been Dreaming Of True Love's Kiss"
from Disney's Enchanted


 [PEARL]
(spoken)

He's her Special Someone, know this is true


[PEARL]
(sings)

Sit back it has begun, right before me and you


[TRUCY]
(spoken hopefully but skeptical)

Is he just smoothing her hair? Or picking lint from her clothes?


[PEARL]
*scowls at Trucy*
No!


[PEARL]
*clasps her hands and turns starry-eyed*
(sings)

Watch now as this blossoms, cuz we've planted seeds
All my life I've awaited this
Their fairytale shall now end in bliss
Although I know you think it's kinda sappy
So many reasons I ship them so much
I've seen their shy smiles and how they touch
All that's left is share just one sweet kiss
They'll fall in love…I've awaited this


[TRUCY]
(sings)

All her life she's awaited this
Daddy's a Prince, Maya's his Princess
Who cares if I kinda think
It's sappy, So sappy
I now see reason why they're shipped so much
I've seen their shy smiles and how they touch


[PEARL]
All that's left is share one kiss
They'll fall in love…I've awaited this


[PEARL & TRUCY]
*both eagerly lean forward to hear Phaya conversation*


[PHOENIX]
*clears throat and awkwardly scratches back of his neck*

I've risked my life when yours was in threat
Though at times


[MAYA]
*giggles and pretends to wipe off his brow*

You broke into a sweat!


[BOTH]
All this time's passed and now it's come to this


[PHOENIX]
When push comes to shove


[MAYA]
You're the man I love


[BOTH]
Since first time we met, we've awaited this…


*Phaya kiss*


*Trucy happily squeals into her gloves*


*Pearl swoons, then faints from joy behind the bushes*

Chapter 62: Foxy Amazon

Notes:

CT: When ehsparkwoman first came to us with this idea, she originally wanted Armstrong to be the star of the show. Though I don't know about you guys, but I think that we're all still recovering from the flamboyant chef's last appearance in this fanfic when he flirted with every guy who had the misfortune of being near him. So just like how the anime banished him to the Rose Dimension, we're pushing Armstrong off to the side in favor of a character who not only hasn't had any parodies to call her own, but whose perspective lyrics for this song won't leave any of you traumatized. Plus, with how enthusiastic Robin is, I could easily picture her singing this right after her big reveal that probably shocked Simon more than anything he had seen during his seven years in prison. Oh, and for those of you wondering, Athena's parodying Brad's character while Simon is taking on Janet's role. However, in the parody, when Robin says "you two", she's referring to Apollo and Athena. I know that it's a bit confusing, but knowing Apollo, he wouldn't be in the mood to really speak, instead opting to have his famed disheartened look do all the talking for him.

JP: It is with great pleasure that we fulfill this request from loyal A03 readers Ehsparkwomen and teardrop1013. I hope you find the initially androgynous Robin to be a good substitute from the eyesore that is Armstrong in this riot-fest homage to the classic anthem of sexy transvestites!

Chapter Text

 

"Foxy Amazon"
Sung to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite"
from the musical The Rocky Horror Picture Show


{Robin}
Hey, Athena!
I'm sorry about our school's shutterbug.
But if she thinks that this case is her next big scoop,
Then she's about to feel so smug!


Don't be frightened by the woman I am,
I'm not gonna B-I-T-E.
I may not be a lady during classes,
But afterwards, I go on a shopping spree!


I'm a foxy Amazon,
From Amazonia, Arizona!


Let's hang out after this,
The mall's never amiss,
You two look like you're down for some fun.
Or if that doesn't sound appealing,
We'll chat about feelings,
In my dorm while watching rom-com reruns.


{Athena}
Before more chaos ensues,
Tell me what you viewed.
Junie's future hangs in the balance!


["For once, I agree with Cykes-dono … though for different reasons." Simon sighed with his back turned to both the defense attorney and witness, overcome with embarrassment for having referred to Robin as the epitome of masculinity just moments ago.]


{Athena}
Did you commit the crime,
Killing Courte in her prime?
Please don't make this more of a challenge.


{Robin}
I don't mean to be rude,
But I'm in a good mood.
You see, I'm finally free,
And I'd be delighted,
And really excited,
If both of you would celebrate with me.


I'm a foxy Amazon,
From Amazonia, Arizona!


Why don't you stop by my dorm?
(Dorm.)
We'll talk up a storm,
(Storm.)
About a rock star with gorgeous sky-blue eyes.
He's a beautiful man,
With blond hair and a tan,
And he's absolutely S-E-X-Y!


I'm a foxy Amazon,
From Amazonia, Arizona!


Tee hee!
I'm a foxy Amazon,
(Foxy Amazon,)
From Amazonia, Arizona!
(Arizona!)


So let's go out to eat,
At a place that's so sweet,
One of my favorite's known as Trés Bien.
The décor's chic,
And the food's… unique.
So when Juniper's free,
We'll have fun, you'll see!

Chapter 63: Do I Love You Even Though You're A Fool

Summary:

JP: You don't have to have read the Klema 2-parter of my pal Mr. Coffee's amazing one –shot shipping series, Heart-Warming-Java-Shots but I highly recommend it for a couple of reasons:
#1 This one-shot/song-parody was inspired directly by the events that happened in chapters 7Don't You Forget About Me/ and 8, Ain't Nobody of Forgreatcoffe's story. It picks up immediately after the events that happened at the Sprocket Wedding reception. Reading it will definitely help my story component of this parody make more sense! :)

#2 Hello, it's Skyefop, and is it ever romantic! 3

So I hope you enjoy this lengthier than usual Valentine's Day romance homage to my secondary OTP. This waaaay overdue V-Day gift goes out to my good friend and fellow Fredgeworth shipper, msyu1! XO!

CT: I know I may sound like a broken record, but my cowriter is the master of romance scenarios. For even after hearing Edgeworth vocalize his doubt regarding the power of love in "Turnabout Time Traveler", I can honestly picture this sort of thing happening. And while Edgeworth and Franziska are singing this parody, Phoenix is watching from the shadows with a big smirk on his face, whispering "Now who's illogical, Edgeworth?"

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

"Do I Love You Even Though You're A Fool"
Sung to the tune of
"Do I Love You Because You're Beautiful"
from Rodgers and Hammerstein's
1997 film version of Cinderella


 

Maya, Phoenix, Athena, and Miles all stared after the forensic scientist and former rock star prosecutor as the duo exited the reception hall together. As soon as they were out of sight, Phoenix expelled a huge breath of relief.

"It's a good thing Klavier got Ema out of here so fast! I've never seen her so steamed! I seriously do believe if the good detective had had a gun holster attached to her dress, she would've shot us for our Cupid endeavors!"

"No good deed goes unpunished!" Athena twittered. "I wonder if Ema had been packing heat, which of us would've taken the threatened bullet first? Maya and I for our part in the matchmaking, or Mr. Wright, since she's known him the longest…"

"It could have just as easily been me dodging those vengeful gunshots!" Miles glared at the blue defense attorney. "Let the record show my involvement was something Detective Skye was wholly ignorant of – until my alleged best friend fingered me, even though I was the world's most reluctant accomplice to these cockamamie shenanigans!"

"You better believe Nick threw you under the bus!" Maya wasn't even remotely penitent for her boyfriend's loose lips. "If we, along with his employee, had to go down for our noble intentions, you better believe we'd be taking you with us!"

"It's not like we needed to twist your arm to participate in our matchmaking efforts for Ema and Klavier, Edgeworth!" Phoenix chortled. "You know that I know that you know that I know that there was no pulling of teeth required! You readily coughed up that pertinent information that sealed the deal, just like a cat with a furball!"

"Fact! You aren't fooling anybody!" Athena smiled coyly at the scowling barrister. "I could tell that you were as moved as the rest of us when Ema and Prosecutor Gavin sang that romantic duet tonight! Why don't you just admit you're every bit the diehard romantic that we all are?"

"I shall admit no such thing!" Miles shifted his baleful glower from his best friend and directed it at the redhead, who smirked back knowingly. "Not that it would matter, in any case…"

He looked away, feeling his cheeks warm slightly.

"Ahem, I suppose to refute your point would be moot since you can apparently hear other people's hearts, Miss Cykes. Incidentally, such is a most obtrusive trait, might I add!"

"Stop your grumbling, Miles!" Maya grinned impishly. "Are you honestly going to pretend that, like the rest of us, you're not-so-secretly rooting for Ema and the glimmerous fop to sort things out and finally get together?"

"Nah, Edgeworth would rather have us believe he's still as emotionally constipated as ever and doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. He'd prefer we dub his involvement in trying to get those two together as purely due to peer pressure, and nothing else," Phoenix deadpanned. "After all, this is the same man who publicly announced in our last courtroom battle that he sees nothing wrong with wishing to remain unwed!"

"That's true," the spirit medium recalled, stroking her chin thoughtfully. "I guess Miles is destined to be married to nothing but his work, in the end, am I right?"

The prosecutor groaned internally at the reminder of his rash decree during the state vs. Wyatt trial, made purely in the heat of legal battle. Crossing his arms, he did his best to ensure his countenance remained inscrutable.

Unaware of her friend's contemplations, Maya was now flashing a teasing smirk at Phoenix.

"I guess not everybody's a big believer in the power of love like you are Nick, you big sap!"

"I'm your big sap," the spiky-haired man reminded his lover, tapping her playfully on the nose. "What can I say? Sorin and Ellen would make anybody believe in true love! Everyone except my android chum here – wait where did he go?"

The couple had been so wrapped up in their own little world that they hadn't even noticed Miles had discreetly left from the group.

"Did Mr. Roboto just take off without saying goodbye?" Athena craned her neck as she peered around the crowded room. "How rude!"

I need to get home and collect my thoughts about certain things, the Chief Prosecutor reflected as he strode purposely towards the exit. Not that I have any desire to broadcast my personal reflections to those jejune, twitterpated fools, but it's not just the newlyweds that I wish the best of luck. The truth is, I am rooting for Detective Skye and Prosecutor Gavin. Hopefully our endeavors tonight will lead them to become something more. Like Wright and Maya, they too started as mere colleagues. Moreover, they've given me further reason to believe that despite knowing someone for years, as much as some things remain the same, they also tend to change…sometimes before you even realize it…

His residence wasn't very far away from the Sprocket Park Mooring Dock, and as the slate-haired man stepped into the entryway of his posh, sprawling penthouse, he was still mulling over the niggling underlying issue Phoenix had unwittingly reminded him of.

Something Miles had been denying to himself for far longer than he should have.

At last, I'm finally back to my humble abode. I'm most keen to curl up in front of my fireplace, in my favorite armchair, with a glass of wine. My haven bears more familiarity and warmth than I've had these countless days, which have gone so fast with the madness of that Sprocket court case! Whilst it was pleasant to be with my friends at the wedding, I'm happy to return home. I feel like a tortoise retracting into his shell, the troubles of the world evaporating. To anyone else, this is a home like all the others exactly like it on this street, but to me, it is a sanctuary. It is a cocoon, it is rest. I can finally gather some perspective and resolve these repressed deliberations I've been having for far too long regarding …

"You foolish fool!" An irate voice suddenly snapped from behind him, shattering his reverie. "How dare you?"

Miles reflexively leaped from his cushioned wingback chair as the sharp crack of leather lashed against his hand, nearly making him spill the vintage port he'd just poured himself onto his immaculate Persian rug.

The logic enthusiast spun around, quickly placing the crystal stemware onto the wooden coffee table, out of harm's way. With saucer-sized eyes, he then met the fierce glare of a very recognizable femme fatale who was brandishing her trusty whip while sparks of rage – and questionable hurt – shot from her argent orbs.

"You are unbelievable, Miles Edgeworth! And I do not mean that as a compliment!"

"Franziska?!" The astonished lawyer gaped at his unexpected guest. "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't arriving to visit until tomorrow evening!"

"I decided to take an earlier flight because I could no longer contain my rage and disappointment with you, Little Brother!" She almost spat out the familiar title, one she hadn't used in years. "I have been seething overseas for nearly the past week now, ever since I saw your latest trial against that foolish Phoenix Wright!"

Miles goggled at her blankly, utterly bewildered by her ire. It had been nearly a decade since his 'Big Sister' had encountered the defense attorney, her old courtroom rival. Therefore, perhaps naïvely, he'd assumed that time had softened her old hostility against his friend; at the very least, into some kind of grudging respect, and possibly some wry affection.

So, what in the world could have thus infuriated her about their latest courtroom battle?

Is she clinging to her childish vendetta against Wright for breaking her perfect win record and feels resentful against me because I didn't defeat him, thence allowing her to be triumphant by proxy?

"I see your memory has left you, along with your common sense, you Dummkopf!" Franziska appeared to have grown further agitated by his nonplussed expression. "Have you honestly forgotten that any cases that involve either of you Ace Attorneys gets televised?"

No, Miles hadn't failed to recollect this fact. He just hadn't thought she would bother to pay any mind to this, and was straining to excogitate how to proceed without being whipped yet again!

"I am touched that you still cared enough to take the time to watch me in action since I know how busy you have been with Interpol over in Europe," he began placidly, keeping a wary eye on her weapon. "Although I remain at a loss as to what it was about this case which has you so up in arms?"

"You truly have no idea, do you?" Franziska's anger fizzled then, her voice taking on a more anguished inflection. "Or is it that you simply did not care how much your scornful views on relationships and holy matrimony would affect me at all?"

The realization of what she was referring to hit him then, like a bucketful of ice water to the face.

Franziska was referring, of course, to the various ways Miles dismissed anything even remotely about his beliefs on matters of the heart during the trial. Such as how he'd harrumphed Wright's saccharine, trite declarations about the power of love. And on top of that, he'd then superciliously responded to the judge's harmless, (albeit impromptu) query about his own marital status, by declaring that he saw nothing wrong with being unwed… and choosing to remain that way!

It'd all been uttered with unthinking waspishness, as he'd been in cold, hard prosecutor mode at the time. Right up until now, Miles had forgotten all about the whole thing! Anyone who knew him was well aware by now that he was never one to reveal the softer side of his persona in the courtroom – not even to his best friend!

For heaven's sake, he'd also blithely dismissed ever associating with Wright or Maya or His Honor, in any social capacity, despite being fond of all of them, because he hadn't wanted to openly mix business with pleasure! Nevertheless, his friends hadn't held those lofty words against him! Obviously, he hadn't meant a word of it, since he'd just come from dancing and mingling with the lovebirds all night at the wedding!

"Franziska…" Miles tried to put a placating hand on her shoulder but she brushed it off as though she'd been scorched. "You of all people should know, more than anyone, how I'm a completely different person when I'm in the courtroom than I am whenever I'm out of it…"

"All I know is that you have not changed one bit over the years, Miles Edgeworth!" She cried, drawing away from him and clutching at her sleeves. "I was evidently deluding myself all these years, thinking that we had grown… closer from all that time we had worked Interpol together. Like a fanciful foolish fool, I allowed myself believe that maybe…"

She shook her head, long argentite tresses falling dejectedly around her ethereal visage, hiding it from his view as she choked out the last sentence.

"Well, it does not matter what I thought, since you have proven that you are romantic as a – a salad bowl!"

Miles could have laughed at the absurd comparison, except for the fact that her very prominent angst was no laughing matter. He'd successfully aggrieved her with this supposed revelation she thought had been made, and while he could take an educated guess as to why this was so, he had no idea how to remedy any of it.

Her next words brought things to a head and judging given how choked up she was, they were as excruciating to hear as they obviously were for to say.

"I had hoped that the shadows of our past would not cloud our current relationship, such as it were. That the gradual transcending from childhood rival siblings to respected colleagues of equal level, and now to friends would allow things to further continue to progress their natural course. Had even hoped that in due time, perhaps someday…"

She drew in a shaky breath

"No matter. Ultimately, I was wrong. It was all a built-up fantasy in my mind, nothing more. You will never change who you are or the way that you see me, no matter how much time has passed. And that knowledge breaks my heart, Miles Edgeworth.”

Her voice broke then.

“It hurts so damn much.”

"Franziska…" he was a loss for words.

As crazy as it'd seemed at that time, the legist desperately wished, with all his heart, that Sorin Sprocket's time machine invention had been an actual, tangible device. If it were, Miles would've surely gone and turned back time. He would have gladly rewound the hands of the clock to those precise moments in the trial when he'd uttered those completely nonsensical untruths about his views on love and marriage.

And I would have gladly zippered my accursed mouth shut, had I known how much agony my thoughtless statements would've caused the person closest to me!

"I have always prided myself on being a good judge of character but I have long ago come to terms with the fact that I am far from perfect, ergo neither are my perceptions of people." The beautiful orbs were now two liquescent pearls. "Sometimes, you are too close to someone to see the way they are; the way things really are. Sometimes, you care about them so much that you do not want to. Perhaps the worst thing to realize is that you did not mean as much to someone as you thought."

That was when Miles saw the droplets begin to flow from those normally shuttered eyes, shimmering twin silver pools, which were now peering up into his mien with unmasked sorrow.

Unlike her customary hardened and aloof expression this time, those eyes aren't emotionless; they are strong locks, holding all her powerful feelings within. They're glaciers to keep her heartrending emotions of the past frozen, but it's ice that can no longer bear the torment within her. It's a lock that opened for my sake. This woman is young, but she's certainly a warrior, one who's found the light to continue, even after she's seen the deepest floors of hell.

At last, the source of the tears fully dawned on him, and with it, his suppressed feelings were fully triggered at last. When his friends had harangued him about being an unfeeling automaton who didn't give a fig about love or marriage, he hadn't cared too much if any of them had believed those things about him.

All that mattered was that the woman currently shedding tears over it did as well.

In all the years I have known her, I could count on the fingers of one hand many times I've seen Franziska Von Karma cry. The last time I witnessed it was 10 years ago when I chased her to the airport. And somehow, I am the cause of them, yet again.

Although it was positively gut-wrenching to see, it seemed long overdue for her.

Oh, Franziska, let those tears flow. In those salty trickles is who you are - one who feels. You aren't cold like a machine who runs on logic alone, who wants only what is sensible for themselves. You have emotions so divine; I want to scoop you up in my arms and keep you safe for all time. In a world of hurt, it is human to cry, yet always let the joy in whenever you can. There is love here too, so much love. So, let me see those eyes that swim with tears, for they shine with life and the knowledge of who you truly are.

"Franziska listen to me. You weren't wrong in sensing that things had changed between us over the years. I stopped seeing you like my Big Sister a long time ago, for the same motives I can only hope that you stopped addressing me as your Little Brother. The only reason I have never addressed this is…"

"DL-6," she finished dully, brushing away her tears. "That has always been the pink elephant in the room betwixt us, has it not? You may not see me as your foster sibling anymore, and perhaps even promoted my place in your life to a colleague or even a friend. Nevertheless, you will never be able to see me as anything more, because of that horrible incident, nein?"

"DL-6?" He gawked at her in disbelief. "That's what you think this all comes down to?"

"What else am I supposed to think?" Another wet bead rolled down her cheek. "No matter how much time passes, I do not think you will ever be able to lay eyes upon me without being reminded of the fact that my Papa ruthlessly murdered your father in cold blood."

The words were like a sucker punch to the gut.

"Nonsense! I have never lied to you about anything in all my life, Franziska, and I am not about to start now!" He denied vehemently. "I swear to you that I have never had nor ever will hold you accountable for the sins of your father! If anything, I have always wondered if a part of you would always despise me!"

"How could you ever think such a foolish thing?" She demanded, not even trying to hold back the deluge continuing to empty itself down her face. "You are the one who lost everything because of my father!"

"Yet I'm the one who chose Wright to be my lawyer, therefore inadvertently being the reason you lost Manfred in the first place. I thought because of this, that you would never forgive me!"

They stared at each other without speaking for what seemed like ages, the Interpol Agent still hugging herself as she shed tears of relief now that the unspoken truths of their wretched past had been finally brought to light. However, a lingering lament prevailed, because, despite all this, nothing else had changed.

"So be it then," she whispered finally, a dull ache in her chest. "We have acknowledged that we do not hold any bitterness or acrimony for one another in spite of the horrid ties that bind us. I will take comfort in that. However, even if you are saying you did not mean the things you said about love and marriage, it still does not matter, right? Ultimately, even if you do want those things, it is not with me.”

Her eyes were pained as she stared up at him, chest heaving with sobs.

“That is the true reason our relationship, such as it were, has been at a stalemate all these years, is it not?"

Franziska wasn't even bothering to wipe away her tears anymore. It was unlike her to be so candid about her emotions, but here she was, laying her heart on the line to him, even though she believed her feelings were unrequited. This meant in the end, she was even braver than Miles himself. He inwardly cursed his pusillanimity all these years for denying to himself what was now so glaringly palpable.

When first I looked upon her comely visage, when I first realized she was no longer the spoiled, tempestuous young girl I once knew and was now a strong, formidable, desirable woman, it was not her grown-up pulchritude that enraptured me. It was not on the perfect features that I dwelled - not the shimmering gray eyes, nor the pomegranate lush lips. Instead, it was the small flaws and insecurities that allured me. The small scar on her shoulder from that bullet wound, the demure, modest smile whenever she was being unpredictably kind, the very slight flare of her nostrils when she's enraged. That's when I knew I had found the person who was perfectly imperfect for me. I can't even pinpoint exactly how long I've felt this way. All that matters is that I do. And it's high time that she knew.

As she choked back another sniffle, Miles fervently wished, with every fiber of his being, that he could dry every tear she'd ever shed, one by one, and ensure that this remarkablefiery, sweet dame before him never cried another tear in her whole life.

Now, when I look upon those features, I lose myself. All the mistakes I have ever made, and there have been many, are gone - every impure thought erased. All negativity is cleansed, almost like a religious experience or spiritual enlightenment. I know her eyes can see through me, but I know they do not dwell on the anger, nor the deceit, nor the selfishness. She looks past every flaw to find the person inside, the real me, and at that moment, I know I'm perfectly imperfect for her too.

"Our relationship has been at a stalemate because I grew up in the same household you did – where expressing sentiment for anything other than ambition or perfection was discouraged and ridiculed. Therefore, I have been an emotionally crippled fool all these years. A coward who has been too scared of these unfamiliar emotions to tell you that my feelings for you have changed; that I stopped seeing you as any sibling of sorts a long time ago. That I view you, want you, yearn for you, the way a man does a woman."

Franziska emitted a startled gasp, and he spotted the rosy calescence in her fair cheeks mounting at this unforeseen declaration.

It was all the encouragement he needed.

Miles stepped forward and leaned down so he could stare right into her stunned, tear-stained visage. When she continued to stubbornly cast her timid gaze down at the ornate carpeting under her black boots, he crooked a finger under her chin and spoke, for the first time in his life, not from his mind, but his heart.

"I see I've shocked you with my ardor. I know this is unexpected and strange, but please hear me out. I know I told you I never lied to you… but that was the biggest lie of all. The truth is: I am a liar. I lied. I lied to myself and you by not making my feelings for you known. But only because I had to. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, Franziska – you were my mentor's daughter! Nonetheless, it happened anyway."

Her lips parted in another soundless gasp, and she started to shake her head, as though not allowing herself to believe he was finally uttering what she'd forever longed to hear.

"And it gets worse," he continued earnestly. "Not only am I a liar, but I'm also selfish. Selfish enough to want it all, for I know if I don't have you, I don't have anything. The one trait that remains constant with me, both in and out of court, is that I am ruthless. I cannot and will not give up until I can prove to you that you are the only thing that matters. So even if I hurt you so badly that you want to send me away, or run away as you did 10 years ago, just know that this time, I shan't let you go. I'll just keep running after you. Again, and again, and again. And if you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me… I will do everything it takes to make it up to you. Cross my heart."

He lifted her face with both hands now, cradling it in his palms so she had no choice but to look up and see the tenderness in his expression.

"Ask me to define my love for you and I'll say it's captured in every beautiful memory of our past, detailed out in vivid visions of our dreams and future plans, but most of all it's right now, at the moment, where everything I've ever wanted in my life is standing right in front of me."

The veracity on his handsome face made her heart fill with so much exultation, she thought it would burst. She had never felt more joyful, or secure, or sure of anything, in her entire life.

All I know is that when I am with you, I feel as protected and secure as I do when I have my whip in hand. It is like I am reliving a moment of being carried to bed by Mama when I was five years old and fell asleep in front of the television. All day long, I can feel fragile, like a raw nerve, and when you are by my side, Miles, it is like I just put on the thickest winter coat and installed bulletproof windows in my house. I am comfortable and safe. Moreover, I am home. I am no longer terrified. I always feel at home with him, no matter how far away from home we are. With him, I am free. With him, I am me.

Franziska almost wanted to pinch herself to convince herself she wasn't dreaming. A part of her almost couldn't allow herself to fathom that the most abysmal week of her life could be so quickly swept away by the soothing ointment made by the dulcet proclamations from that beloved voice, by the promise of forever in those spellbinding smoky eyes.

"Do you sincerely mean all of this, Miles? I – I almost cannot believe that this is happening…that all you are saying is true. I want nothing more in the world to believe you, as I have yearned for this moment – yearned for you, for so very long…"

"For the rest of my days, I shall speak nothing but the truth to you, Meine Dame." His cadence turned husky. "Because all of me loves all of you. All your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose, I'm winning."

He took her hand and kissed it.

"There are so many reasons that I love you, Franziska von Karma. Do you want to know why I'm so helplessly and unequivocally besotted with you?"

"Because you have finally released the sentimental fool within you?" She whispered, never tearing her gaze from his as a warm, happy glow began working its way from her head to the tips of her toes. "You wonderful, foolish fool of a man!"

"If that is the case, then so be it," he teased softly. "After all, it takes one to know one, does it not?"

As his rich baritone slowly transformed into the melodious song, it was the diapason of all thoughts and feelings showcasing his unleashed profound and passionate spirit.


[MILES]
Do I love you even though you're a fool
Or is it you're a fool
Because you love me too?


Am I delusional that it is true
All that I feel for you
You feel it too?


Do I crave you cuz you make my heart full?
Or is it my heart's full
Because I crave you?


Are you truly perfect as I think you seem?
Or am I merely a fool and this is but a dream?


[FRANZISKA]

(whispers)
Mayhap I am only dreaming all this…Mayhap these are just dreams of fools


[FRANZISKA]

(sings)
How am I to believe that it is true
That such a man like you
Could love me too?


Do I crave you cuz you make my heart full?
Or is it my heart's full
Because I crave you?


[FRANZISKA & MILES]
Are you truly as perfect as I think you seem?
Or am I merely a fool and this is but a dream?


[MILES]

*kisses her palm then stares deeply into her eyes*


(Murmurs)

Meine Dame, too long I have yearned for this
and now that it finally has, I hope we've started something that will never end.


[FRANZISKA]

*raises a hand to his face*
(speaks)

As do I, Liebling


[BOTH]

Are you truly as perfect as I think you seem?
Or am I merely a fool and this is but a dream?


 

Franziska was holding both his hands in her own as she peered up at him through her lashes.

"If this is just a dream, Miles Edgeworth, I do not ever wish to awaken again."

"I do not need sleep when my reality, at last, surpasses even my wildest dreams, Franziska." He stroked her cheek. "Together, we are nothing but the most perfect of fools."

"In your words, I am safe because, in my heart of hearts, I know they are not mere words." She let out a sigh of contentment. "You have been there every month, every year. You have been there in the good times and the bad."

"And I shall continue to be there for you, for the rest of my days." Miles ran his index over her now quivering lips. "I swear this to you, Meine Dame."

"Even knowing my faults, of which there are many, you have been there to listen, to defend, to love. You understand my anxieties, my triggers, and the ghosts that haunt me, driving actions that are so illogical to others."

Franziska had to brace her hands against his chest to keep from melting into his arms. She first needed to bare her soul, unflinchingly, just as he had.

"In return, I keep you safe with my words, my deeds. In turn, I am the one who will always be there for you, be honest with you, listen, and care. I will not always have answers for you, and you will not always have answers for me, but you will never be alone in your problems, and neither will I. So today I will paint you a picture of my love with words, and then every day, I will prove they are true. Now that I have spoken my heart, there is only thing left to say to you, Liebling."

The German beauty's eyes twinkled with a naughty glint as she pressed her lips against his fingertip.

"Satiate my yearnings for you at last and kiss me, you fool!"

"Your fool." Holding her gaze, he said solemnly. “I’ve been waiting for a girl like you all my life, Franziska."

She was barely able to get more than one step toward him before he reached out and crushed her against his muscled length, strong arms wrapping tightly around her slender waist as his hot, insistent lips seized hers in a fiercely passionate kiss that was way too long overdue. A lifetime of suppressed yearning, love, and desire was wordlessly spoken in that heated embrace, and they were breathless when they finally parted. Miles pressed a soft kiss on her forehead, then rested his chin atop her satin tresses as she pressed her face against his chest.

"It’s always been you, Meine Dame, he breathed. “Nobody but you.”

Franziska was already aching for him to kiss her again. Drawing back slightly, she tugged at his cravat until his mouth was only a fraction away from hers, matching his hungry, heated look with an unmasked, come-hither one of her own. Her lips curved into a sultry smile as with her free hand, she reached around and clapped a possessive hand around his firm buttocks, drawing him even closer still, reveling in the sight of the smoldering flame in his eyes.

Right before his lips claimed hers again, Miles whispered huskily, “Always you, Meine Dame. Time after time…”

Notes:

JP: This song itself goes out to my fellow musical lover, StupidGenious aka my fave funny lady, Lyn, who introduced me the previously unknown works of these musical geniuses, and expanding my repertoire! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

John Legend - All Of Me

Chapter 64: Irritator

Notes:

CT: With how Winston is constantly belittled and overlooked, I wouldn't be surprised if he has a major breakdown one of these days; and when that fateful day finally comes and he can't take it anymore, it will be spectacular. Though knowing how pathetic all Paynes are, the only thing Winston would be able to break would be silence and a few windows, what with how shrill his voice is. That's why we've decided to finally let Winston have his moment of glory- or at least, the closest thing to glory that a Payne can get- in this parody suggested to us by TheJadeGrenade (on A03)

JP: Even if you haven't seen the modern Archie teen soap/musical, most of you no doubt know this song…which my fave funnyman has comically brought to life with the screechy, fretfully forgettable prosecutor. Methinks the surge of brief tinnitus brought on by his nerve-splintering falsetto are part of the reason his name never seems to linger in character's minds, even though the ringing in their ears most certainly does. Also, if he ever went against Big Red, she'd surely consider retiring her attorney badge – or at least need extended medical leave for damage! :p

Chapter Text

 

"Irritator"
Sung to the tune of "Believer"
from the TV series Riverdale


 

[It was a slow day at the Prosecutor's Office and Edgeworth was spending it casually reading a case file at his desk. However, his reading was cut short when Winston Payne burst into the office, glaring daggers at the Chief Prosecutor as he squeezed the life out of a newspaper clenched in his fist.]

 

["You've got a lot of explaining to do, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth!"  Winston screeched as he stormed up to his superior's desk, looking as intimidating as a Payne could look- which is to say, not very intimidating at all.]

 

["I should be telling you the same thing. What gives you the right to barge into my office without even knocking?"  Edgeworth sternly asked as he slammed his palm on his desk. "I realize that I haven't been making life easier for you with all of the clutter I've been leaving around this office over the years, but that doesn't give a janitor the right to cause such an outburst."]

 

["Objection!"  Winston screeched at the top of his lungs. "I am NOT a janitor! I am a prosecutor! Though how would anyone know that since you're busy sidelining us American prosecutors in favor of employing foreign guys from the middle of nowhere?!" The pathetic prosecutor yelled, holding up the newspaper that he had brought with him which contained a large picture of Nahyuta on the front cover and an article detailing how the foreign prosecutor was defeated by Apollo Justice in the case of State vs. Trucy Wright.]

 

["I'll have you know… I'm sorry, what's your name?"  Edgeworth asked with a perplexed look on his face.]

 

["Payne! Prosecutor Winston Payne, a man who has worked here for over fifteen years and whose brother is the chief prosecutor of the country that you're importing prosecutors from!"  Winston snarled with a slam of his foot. "I can understand when you choose prosecutors like Gavin, Blackquill, and even that sad Debeste guy over me- they're talented kids who need experience- but when you ignore me during a prosecutor shortage and even go as far as to bring in people from overseas to prosecute cases instead of simply walking down the stairs and handing me a case file, that is where I draw the line!"]

 

["Do you truly feel that I'm doing this on purpose?"  Edgeworth growled with crossed arms. "Do you honestly think that I would spend the money necessary to fly a prosecutor over here if I knew that there was one available in this very building? Perhaps we would be having this issue if you weren't so forgettable, Mister… This is awkward, but I seem to have forgotten your name." The Chief Prosecutor mumbled under his breath as he adjusted his glasses.]

 

["PAYNE!"  Winston screeched as he slammed his fist on his superior's desk. "But if you're having a hard time remembering, then maybe THIS will help!" The irritating prosecutor confidently stated before breaking out into song.]


 

[Payne]

First I'll say,

I've put up with this abuse for too long,

But now I've reached my limit so I'm fighting back in song.

Do-dooh!

I'm fighting back in song.

Do-dooh!


 

Next I'll tell,

How I hate that no one ever noticed me,

Here for at least fifteen years.

A shame, wouldn't you agree?

Do-dooh!

Wouldn't you agree?

Do-dooh!


 

My dreams were crushed at forty-nine,

But I haven't let defeat keep me down,

As I'm in court fighting rookies,

Who laugh at me, sneer at me, bluff at me, ignore me,

And win the case in an hour,

Leaving me feeling so sour.

But you'll never see me cower,

Because my name is Winston…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

They keep on belittling me,

Irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

Laugh at me all you want,

I'll rise again,

Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I'm…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Third point's up,

I may not be very demanded,

But at least my methods have never been underhanded.

Do-dooh!

Never been underhanded.

Do-dooh!


 

I'm always lost in the crowd,

A ninja hidden by a shroud,

The sun obscured behind a cloud,

My praises never sung aloud.

They're overlooked,

My wit, good looks, and experience,

Disregarded, disdained,

But now I will scream it so loud,

You can't ignore…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.

Payne!

They keep on belittling me,

Irritator,

Irritator.

Payne!


 

Laugh at me all you want,

I'll rise again,

Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I'm…

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Last I'll speak,

About how I possess a noble bloodline,

Related to Auchi the Great,

Who made crooks resign.

Do-dooh!


 

Who made crooks resign

Do-dooh!


 

His wit, good looks, and experience,

Disregarded, disdained,

But I'll avenge his good name since,

You can't ignore…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

They keep on belittling me,

Irritator,

Irritator.


 

Payne!

Laugh at me all you want,

I'll rise again,

Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I'm…


 

Payne!

They call me a,

They call me irritator,

Irritator.


 

["So, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, what do you think of me now?" Winston smirked with his hands on his hips.]

 

["I don't even know how to respond to that cacophonous insult to music, but one thing I do know is that they'll be calling you Gumshoe after I'm done cutting your pay, Mister… What was your name again?"  The Chief Prosecutor asked, a confused look forming on his face as he cocked his head to the side.]

 

["Forget it!"  Winston angrily huffed as he stormed out of the office, making sure to slam the door behind him as loudly as he could.]

 

[After the forgettable prosecutor left, Edgeworth just stared at the door in complete silence as he tried to process just what had transpired. However, that silence was quickly broken when the Chief Prosecutor pulled a notepad and a Steel Samurai pen out of one of his desk's drawers.]

 

["Note to self: Hire new janitor, posthaste."  Edgeworth mumbled to himself as he quickly jotted down a reminder to himself before returning the notepad and pen to their proper drawer.]


 

 

Chapter 65: I'm Debeste

Notes:

JP: They say beware the ides of March, but I welcome it, because a) we're that much closer springtime now, and b) new month = new theme. This month: criminals, corruption, and justice!

This is por mi buen amigo y querido lector, Señor Java aka Mr_Coffee. Also, thanks to my hilarious partner, who is way more versed at writing DeWorste clan than I am, for his help with the epilogue dialogue for this parody!

CT: As you can probably guess, this is one of my favorite parodies that JP has created for this fanfic. I just love seeing the mixed anger, irritation, and utter naiveté that results whenever Blaise and Sebastian interact and my wonderful cowriter captures that mood perfectly! So sit back and see just why Sebastian is Debeste.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

"I'm Debeste"
Sung to the tune of
"Be Our Guest" from Disney's
Beauty & The Beast


 

"Yay! You're finally home! Come into the dining room, Pops!" Sebastian Debeste cried excitedly, trying not to feel too dejected as he limply dropped his arms back to his sides, as the ebullient hug he'd just greeted his father with had gone unreturned. "I have a big surprise for you!"

"It's late, y'know!" Blaise Debeste growled, barely hiding his grimace as his utter waste of sperm offspring grabbed his hand and dragged him through the grand foyer of the enormous mansion, towards the dining hall. "Shouldn't you be upstairs studying for your big law exam tomorrow, instead of arranging what's sure to be a total waste of both our times?"

"Have a seat, Pops and just relax while the servants get your dinner together," Sebastian coaxed, barely masking his visible hurt at the cold words as he pulled out the plush wingback chair at the head of the table for the older man. "You're looking trees fatty-gay!"

"What the blazes did you bray at me, boy?!" Blaise's eyes narrowed dangerously at his son. "Did you just call me fat and gay?!"

"C'est français, Master Blaise," Marie, the Parisian head chambermaid intervened quickly, rushing to the Chief Prosecutor's side out of nowhere and dropping a linen napkin onto his lap with one swift hand while laying out his silverware with the other. "As you know, the young master has been studying the language as his course elective at the Legal Academy. He meant to say: très fatigue, as in,you're looking a wee bit tired, that's all! Now please, relax and enjoy the show."

"Well, his accent stinks worse than a fat kid in a clown costume," Blaise grumbled, already pulling out his ever-present lighter and flicking it agitatedly. "Wait – showWhat show?!"

The lights in the room suddenly dimmed, including the great chandelier hanging overhead, and Sebastian appeared in the corner of the room, his trusty wand clenched in his gloved fist, and a dozen of the household servants lined up like a chorus choir behind him, an eager smile on his face.

"Don't worry about my courses, Pops. There's no need for me to study, because there's no doubt I'm going to Ace that final prosecutor exam tomorrow, like I have this entire course!"

Sure, thanks to me paying off those corrupt school officials to keep pushing your imbecile arse through, Blaise thought sourly. Feigning your competency didn't come cheap either!

"After all," the clueless teen prattled on merrily. "There's no doubt I'll nip it in the butt! After all, as you always say, I'm the best! Or rather… cuz I'm Debeste!"

I'd hoped falsely bolstering his ego would make up for the lack of hugs over the years, Blaise lamented disgustedly, although making no move, as usual, to correct the misnomer on the lost cause of a boy. But all these years of grammar school and the idjit still can't even get a common phrase right?! In context or pronunciation?!

"Ma cherry, Papa…" the future DA began, his terrible grammar, coupled with his wince-worthy French accent, prompting his father's eyes to fill with self-pitying tears behind his goggles.

Just kill me now! Blaise facepalmed. If my idiot son's total knowledge of law is anything like his grasping of French, the final cost of getting him to become a prosecutor is going to cost me a king's ransom!

Blissfully unaware of his parent's dark inner monologue, the bowl-cut youth continued with his preamble.

"Allow yourself to be compelled and bemused by this redundant spectacle I will be conducting - and performing! – With our hardworking staff tonight, Pops! So sit back and enjoy our version of a great classic from my all-time favorite movie!"


 

SEBASTIAN

{Sings}

I'm Debeste. I'm Debeste.
I'm a cut above the rest
Just eat and drink and be merry
Cuz I'ma ace that test!
Have no fear
Father dear
As you no doubt have observed
I'm a genius! Très ass-piss-shizz*
Ignore all slander! Pure delicious! **


 

Your offspring's so advanced
He could be the King of France!
Second to none cuz y'know he is the best!
Go ask around and then you'll
Find out that it's all true
I'm Debeste
Oui, Debeste
I'm Debeste!


 

SEBASTIAN DEBESTE AND MAIDS

"Proud of you!"
Is what you'll say
"That's my son, the new DA!"


 

SEBASTIAN

I'll stand tall and flick my hair
Upon this prideful glory day
I'm all grown
And prepared
Top of class it'll be declared
See the fruits of all my training
After tonight's entertaining
I am shrewd
And I'm slick
Like my brain, my wit is quick!


 

MAIDS

And your faith is not misplaced
Don't you forget!
This boy is full of sass
But he has won free pass
Cuz he's the best!


 

SEBASTIAN DEBESTE

Don't you stress
Legal Einstein and Debeste!


 

MAIDS

He Debeste!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!


 

SEBASTIAN

Law's meant for preserving
Goddess of Law I am serving
In hands of justice I place my fate upon
Oh, those late nights of study were brutal
Barely getting sleep from dusk till dawn
My own butt I have been busting
These raccoon circles disgusting
So that someday I'd get the chance to use my skills
Most days I'd ask: "is it worth all the hassle?"
You'd shout: "Stop being so lazy! Don't quit now cuz it'd be crazy!"


 

BLAISE
{Sarcastically sings under his breath}

He's Debeste! He's Debeste!
Had no clue I was so blessed!
Thank the Lord he was smothered
For so long on his mother's breast!
Has IQ of a flea
But y'know that's fine by me!
Bought the false praise I've been cooing
Luckily that's his undoing!
Thinks he's smart, but he's not
Such a pompous little snot!
How much further can this idiot regress?


 

MAIDS

We're all so proud of you!


 

BLAISE
{Sings inaudibly}

Got a bridge to sell you!
A joke! Debeste?!


 

MAIDS

He's Debeste!


 

BLAISE
{Smirking}

Yes…the best!


 

MAIDS

He's the best!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!


 

MAIDS

He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
Prodigy! It is no jest!
Over the years we've wiped his tears and now
We'll watch him beat his chest!
Master Blaise! Be appeased!
He will be the next Big Cheese
We'll bask in the glow of knowing
He's prepped for
The path he's going
School is out! It's all done!
Victory! Hurrah! He's won!
Come and wish him well upon his legal quest!
Master come raise your glass up
Make a toast for your pup
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
He's Debeste!
Yes, He's Debeste!


 

"AHHHH!" Blaise screamed at the top of his lungs as he sprung up in his bed, breathing shallowly as he squeezed the life out of his red satin covers. "What the hell?! What even was that? There was a mansion, and maids, Sebastian being an idiot in two languages instead of one, and – Sebastian…!" The PIC Chairman growled, his eyes narrowing as he was overcome with the usual rage that he felt towards his son.

Being the vindictive, hate-filled man that he was, Blaise wasted no time in getting out of his bed and grabbing his lighter before storming over to Sebastian's room, dressed only in his red satin boxers. Upon entering the room, he saw his little disappointment fast asleep in his bed, having a happy dream if the smile on his face - an act that the corrupt public official would not stand.

So with one swift, powerful tug on the naïve adolescent's comforter, Sebastian was suddenly woken up screaming as he fell to the ground with a powerful thud, tears filling his eyes as he looked up at his father's cold glare.

"What was that for, Pops? I was having so much fun dancing with Mr. Froggy and his talking unicorn, Sir Dippy Whippy!" Sebastian sobbed as he rubbed his knees, which were covered by the red felt of his footie pajamas. "Oh my gosh! I think my knees are scrapped!"

"Good! Now we're even!" Blaise snarled as a large pillar of flame erupted from his lighter. "Y'see, maybe that'll teach you not to appear in my dreams and start singing musical numbers! Y'know, I'm able to put up with all the stupid crap you do during the day, but when you start ruining my sleep with it, that's where I draw the line, y'see! So stay out of my dreams if you know what's good for you!"

"I-I'm sorry, Pops. I-I'll never do it again..." Sebastian whimpered as his father stomped out of the room, grumbling numerous profanities under his breath as he slammed the door behind him.


 

Sebastian's idiot-speak comedy of error translations:

*Ass-piss-shizz – auspicious

**Delicious - malicious


 

 

Notes:

JP: March 10, 2019 brings us the 1 year anniversary of Singing In The Courtroom! Wow! Time has just flown right by! We've had such a blast making music for our wonderful readers! Stay tuned for our special tribute to mark this amazing milestone! :)

Chapter 66: 1-Year-Anniversary JP & CT Double Special!

Notes:

CT: I can't believe it's been a year since we started this fanfic. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun. Why, it feels like just yesterday when JP asked me if I wanted to work on this fanfic with her and we wrote our first parodies. Ahh... the early days of this fanfic... like the scent of lemons, you see. Ok, I'm going to stop that line of thought before I start talking about hemorrhoids. Anyways, here's my contribution to our anniversary special with a parody harkening back to the second parody featured in this fanfic, only instead of having Manfred boast about how he's God's gift to prosecutors, we have Blaise singing about how he rules the world with his iron fist of corruption.

Chapter Text

"Prosecutemon World"
Sung to the tune of the Season 2
extended theme version
"Pokémon Anime – Pokémon World"

 

Yeah… Yeaaah…
I'm the best.
Yeah… Yeaaah…


 Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I love to torture with,
Peerless zest!
Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I hate my idiot son,
Like a pest!


 I wanna spread my dark corruption,
Like an evil wave of woe.
(I'm the best!)
So watch your back and don't forget,
Just who's running the show.
I wanna reach heights no one's seen,
Lording over all.
(I'm the best!)
I strive to make the world Hell,
With the power on my lapel,
Y'see!


 We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest,
Y'know!


 Yeah… Yeaaah…
G-G-Gotta cry.
Y-Yeah… Y-Yeaaah…


 Every time that I'm opposed,
I'm always ready.
(I'm the best!)
When an idiot stands to fight,
They've disappeared already.
(I-I-I'm the best!)
In my heart, I'm certain,
Of the monster that I am.
I'm here, bullying all,
And to show the world I'm the best,
Y'see!


We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest,
Y'know!


 Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I love to torture with,
Peerless zest!
Wanna know who's the best?
I'm the best!
I hate my idiot son,
Like a pest!


 I'm the best!
G-G-G-Gotta cry…
I'm the best!
With the power on my lapel.


 Y'see,
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest!


 Y'know,
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all,
With the power on my lapel!
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, I won't jest,
That I'm better than, better than, better than all the rest!


We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord!)
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Y'see, it's not a test,
To see I'm better than the rest!


Y'see,
We all live in a Debeste world.
(I'm the best!)
Wanna be the overlord who rules over all!
(The overlord who's the very best!)
We all live in a Debeste world.


 

 JP: Special (1-Year) Anniversary Duet Bonus feature - Part 2! That's Wright - a 2 -4 -1 double hitter, with me doing my own throwback to the Disney flick that got the ball rolling with, Mulan! Unlike CT though, my unmentionable sequel had nothing worth mentioning not only plot-wise, but song wise, so here is the one ear-worm from the movie I haven't covered yet, featuring my favorite loathsome gangsta wannabe, Daisy Duck!(Keep reading to find out why I've made that his new nickname – thanks for that whole Merkatis shtick, CT!)


 "Dishonored Us All"
Sung to the tune of "Honor to Us All"
from Disney's Mulan


"I don't know how I can ever show my face again in public after your inexcusable hooligan behavior in the courtroom, Wocky!" Plum Kitaki exploded as she paced the living room, all the while shooting daggers at her petulant son, who sat with crossed arms on the sofa and refused to look at her. "Rather than being grateful that Mr. Justice cleared you of all charges, you instead insist on acting like a spoiled, entitled brat over our change of family business! You're lucky your maternal Grandma Peaches, wasn't alive to see your shameless behavior! She would be as embarrassed by you as I am!"

"And my father, the great Shiitake Kitaki, would be spinning in his grave from the ignominy you have brought us!" Winfred added ominously. "He wouldn't have thought twice about taking a switch to your overly coddled behind, either!"

"Disgraceful!" Plum spat.

"Shameful!" Winfred agreed wrathfully.

Wocky continued to silently huff and ignore them both, which only made the former mobster couple even angrier.

"Looks like we aren't getting through to him, dear." Winfred crossed his arms over his barreled chest. "When words don't do the trick…"

"Looks like we need to use a more melic method for this argument," Plum nodded readily as she and her husband burst into song.


 [Plum and Winfred]
[sing]

You are the son we've been dealt with
Could you be any worse?
Fortune shall make you next heir
But you're more a curse


 We should have whipped your hide
For the fact
That you are spoiled and snide
Because of you we can feel no pride
You have dishonored us all!


 Speak like thug!
Fox hairdo!
Brings us great shame to be seen with you
Where'd we go wrong?
We don't have a clue
You have dishonored us all!


 A boy should bring his family
Great honor for all days
But first you must detach
Yourself apart from your goon ways!


 Girl want boys with good face
Not a furry
Complete disgrace!
Screams ill-breeding
With your fashion taste
You have dishonored us all!


 We all will become bakers now
Surrender all our guns
To keep you safe from harm
Since you're our only son


 As a "G"
Epic fail
Hoodlum life has been
Beyond the pale
Land in jail again we'll
Say "no bail"
You have dishonored us all!


 Boy, get ready
Straight path
No more speaking obscenity
A chance to be valiant
Our honor is your duty
You must proudly show it
Haircut! Change fox to sweet woodchuck
Cuz all mob ties we cut!


 [Wocky]

Moms and Pop!
You feel me?
Can't be nuttin' but a
Straight up "G"!
Don't give a hoot
For a bakery!
All your shizz be just banal!


  [Plum and Winfred]

Defy us – meet undertaker!
Hail your fate as troublemaker…
You will be
Prison bitch
Best hope for you
Would be Warden's snitch
Wife of Bubba
A more likely sitch
You'd be his porcelain doll


 You have dishonored us!
(You have dishonored us!)
You have dishonored us!
(You have dishonored us!)
You have dishonored us all!


 [Winfred]
[Grim expression]

This will be your life if you don't straighten up and give up your hoodlum ways, son…


 [Wocky]
[Stamps his foot and scowls]

Whaaaaat?! That song was colder than dirty Yeti junk, man!
Moms! Pops! Why you gotta play me like that?!


 Winfred
[stern glower]

Son, not only are you an embarrassment, what with making yourself look
like a fool in less than ten minutes
of the trial starting by not only threatening the Judge…


 [Plum]
[Glares]

And this was in spite of your father and me practically on our knees before your trial,
profusely begging you not to do anything stupid!
But then, to make matters words, you used the term "quacker!"
I understand why you would think Meraktis was a quack, but really, quacker?
That sounds like something a 5-year-old
would say to appear to be a ruffian,
not a 19-year-old man-child, wannabe mobster!


 [Wocky]
[Chin wobbles as tears fill his eyes]

Dang! Moooooms!


 [Winfred]
[Hands on hips]

I am still recoiling from the embarrassment I endured in having a son who felt that "quacker"
was the perfect "bad boy" term to be the perfect foundation on which to build his reputation as
a hardened criminal! With that in mind, it probably would have served you right if you had ended
up in prison on bogus murder charges, being forced to work in a chain gang amongst
fellow inmates who would thereby dub you the nickname, "Daisy Duck!"


 

[Wocky]
[Cringes and swallows hard]

Fine! Whatevs! We be bakers then, yo!
But can we at least call our shizz "O.G. Crackers"
instead of "O.G. "Muffins?"


 [Plum]
[smiles hopefully]

Well, the fruit of our loins finally seems to be coming around to embracing our new, 'clean' family business…


 [Wocky]
[Strikes a fake karate stance]

Cuz "O.G. Crackers" sounds tight, ya feel me?
And this way, we still be getting' some street-cred, yo! Bizzoy!


 [Plum]
[groans]

And…I spoke to soon…


 [Winfred]
[sighs]

Alas, Plum, my dear, in the quest for someday
"standing tall" it still seems we have a long way to go…

 

Chapter 67: I Can't Wait To Be An Attorney!

Notes:

JP: The March theme of criminals/justice/crooks comes to an end with this grossly overdue update (mea culpa guys, been sick as a damn dog this whole month!) with the most famous victim of the Dark Age of the Law being featured here at the nadir of his misery! (that word was for you, Muhammad Sban!)

I picture this taking place with a young, determined 11-year-old Athena (before she got shipped off to Europe!) vowing this to Simon when he was incarcerated after the tragedy with Metis. She decided right there and then she'd become a lawyer and save her "big brother" from death row, with the surly, future Twisted Samurai in the making dismissing her ideal optimism as mere child babble.

This one goes out to DJJ680, and great big thanks to my amazing co-pilot for suggesting that Big Red and Reverse Panda take the roles of Athena and Simon! :)

CT: My wonderful cowriter has once again outdone herself with this parody, perfectly capturing Simon and Athena's relationship. Sure, Simon may try to come off as a tough guy, but deep down, he's a big softy who loves Athena like the little sister he never had. If Athena actually sang this song to Simon in canon, it would explain why Simon wept so many tears that he never wiped away. Seriously, those marks under Simon's eyes aren't crow's feet, but rather tear stains. According to the art book, Simon would frequently cry during his time in prison and never bothered to wipe away the tears.

Chapter Text

" I Can't Wait To Be An Attorney!"
Sung to the tune of
"I Just Can't Wait To Be King" from
Disney's 
The Lion King

 

"Come on, Junie!" Athena tugged the frail, nervous brunette girl by the reluctant arm towards the detention center. "This will be my last time seeing Simon before he gets sent to the penitentiary, and I head out to Europe, so I want this to be a visit he'll remember!"

"Sorry, Thena." Juniper took a deep breath from her ever-present bloom and breathed in deeply as if for courage, eyes darting about anxiously. "It's just that… I've never been to a jail before! There are so many bad people here! They scare me!"

"Well, Simon isn't one of them," the red-haired pre-teen declared staunchly, as she pulled her nervous friend along. "He's a good man, who's been wrongfully convicted, and I won't rest until I've done everything in my power to make sure he's free!"

"And how, Cykes-dono, do you plan to do that, pray tell?" Simon's sonorous baritone sounded behind them, causing the girls to jump slightly, as they hadn't realized he had seated himself on the other side of the table, to which his hands where immediately cuffed by the burly guard who'd escorted him. "Have another bout of histrionics like you did in the courtroom, shrieking about my innocence until someone listens?"

Determined blue eyes met lifeless, resigned steel ones.

"Don't you dare doubt me, Simon Blackquill!" Athena jutted her chin. "We both know you're innocent of this crime, even though you pleaded guilty – and I'm going to prove it!"

"That's a big, bold claim to make from a mere Spring Chick," he deadpanned, although a glint of amusement lurked in his voice at her pluck. "Exactly how will a mere child turnaround the court-ordered decision to put me on death row?"

"By becoming an attorney!" Athena cried, jumping to her feet and slapping her tiny hands down onto the table, as though in a courtroom. "I'm going to get my legal badge over in Europe then come back to the States to clear your name! You'll see!"


[Athena]:
*breaks into song and begins to dance*

I'm gonna an attorney, so doubt me if you dare!


[Simon]:
*smirks*

Well, I've yet to see defense counsel with such dramatic flair!


[Athena]:
*points to herself*

Courtroom Révolutionnaire, like none you've seen before!
I'll crush your doubts into the ground
This is my vow for sure!


[Simon]:
*drawls*

'Tis balderdash! Naught more than a pipe dream


[Athena]:
Oh, I can't wait to be an attorney!


[Simon]:
Pure naïve urchin blather! You'll give up soon methinks


[Athena]:
*scowls*

won't be dismissed!


[Simon]:
*blinks in surprise*

Didn't mean to imply…


[Juniper]:
*chimes in*

She won't ever run scared!


[Simon]:
But why get your hopes up?


[Athena]:
I'll be saying "TAKE THAT!"


[Simon]:
*shakes his head*

Stop jawing, pint-sized!


[Athena & Juniper]:
Be a force to be feared!


[Simon]:
*exasperated*

I'm stuck here!


[Athena]:
Gonna study hard all day!


[Simon]:
*sighs*

Forgive me for having doubts


[Athena]:
Gonna make things go my way!


[Simon]:
I think you should accept cold facts and have a change of heart!


[Athena]:
Gonna re-trial your darn case – blow evidence apart!


[Simon]:
This willful little chit ignores the logic of my shouts!
Clings to belief that my verdict will somehow get a turnabout!
Law's just one big pointless journey!


[Athena]:
Oh I can't wait to be an attorney!

*puffs out her chest*

Rest assured that I'm deft!
Giving this all my might!
Don't you worry, Simon
Ima make things right!


[Simon]:
*scoffs*

I'll bet!


[Juniper]:
Each day her resolve is only growing!
Dear Simon don't you fret about a thing!
This girl here will deliver what she sings!


[Athena]:
Oh I can't wait to be an attorney!
Oh I can't wait to be an attorney!
Oh I just can't wait…
to be an attorney!


"Times up!" The guard barked, not at all moved by the performance. "Next time, keep your sing-a-longs for the playground, kids! This ain't no musical theatre!"

"Humph! Fine, we're going!" Athena snapped, then flashed a peace sign at Simon as he stood up. "But just you wait and see, Simon! Next time you see me, they'll be removing those handcuffs so you can give me a big, fat hug! Cuz I'm going to make a free man out of you!"

"You believe whatever you need to believe, Cykes-dono," the prisoner muttered under his breath as he was led away. "But I still think you should set those sights on Broadway, rather than on a courtroom career. You have some real persuasion in those pipes of yours."

And I really meant it, Simon Blackquill thought to himself, chuckling humorlessly. That girl almost had me believing, with the power of those vocals, that there's actually somehow a sliver of hope for this Dead Man Walking…

Chapter 68: Corruption in the Courts

Notes:

CT: When TheFreelancerSeal first gave us this suggestion, I instantly knew that we had to feature Juniper in some way, shape, or form. After all, what could be more fitting than having the sunflower girl of the "Ace Attorney" series singing a parody of a song that's sung by an actual sunflower? Though while I was writing this parody, I couldn't help but picture an "Ace Attorney" version of "Plants vs. Zombies" in which the player defends the Wright Anything Agency with the help of the non-evil characters in the series from all the villains who have escaped from Central Prison and Hell to get their revenge.

JP: I was unfamiliar with both this game and song when my bud TheFreelancerSeal requested it, but it's now one of the many, many previously unknown tunes that's helped expand my musical repertoire since we began this series! Also, kudos to my hilarious partner for writing anything involving a certain Mary Sue flower maiden in this song about corruption in the justice system, set after DD's Turnabout Academy… and making it a) side-splitting, and b) more of an earworm from hell than the original! :p

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

"Corruption in the Courts"
sung to the tune of
"Zombies on Your Lawn" from the game

Plants vs. Zombies

 

After Klavier's touching performance of "The Guitar's Serenade" with Juniper at the Themis Academy School Festival, the area was filled with silence, a usual thing for the former rock star whose shows were always filled with the screams of applauding fans. So in order to help liven things up, Klavier felt that this was the perfect time for him to give the people the little surprise that he and Juniper were secretly planning since her trial ended.

"Achtung, beautiful people… and Herr Forehead." Klavier smirked as he stepped up to the microphone, effectively breaking the silence while also receiving a death glare from his courtroom rival who was standing in the audience. "I want to thank all of you for coming out here tonight… especially considering what has happened…"

The Europhile prosecutor took a deep breath as a look of sadness spread across his face.

"Professor Courte was a wonderful teacher and an even more amazing person. Half the time, it felt as though she wasn't a teacher, but a caring mother whose only wish was to see all students reach their full potential with honesty and integrity, no matter what course they were in. So I can say with absolute certainty that even though Professor Courte never directly taught us prosecutor alums, we wouldn't be where we are today without her. That's why I wasn't put in charge of bringing her murderer to justice, even though I wanted that responsibility so badly. The Chief Prosecutor wanted to be fair since another prosecutor course student who graduated with me, Herr Weinerlich, also wanted to prosecute the case for reasons similar to my own and was threatening to lock himself in his office and never ever come out if the role was given to me. But enough with this sorrow. Professor Courte wouldn't us feeling so down, ja?"

Klavier grinned as he flipped back his hair.

"And if there was one thing Professor Courte loved more than seeing people smile, it was spreading the good word about how the end is only justified through proper means. So without further ado, take it away, Fräuline President!" The former rock star exclaimed, stepping aside so that Juniper could take his place in front of the microphone.


 {Juniper}

Hey guys!

One, two, three!

There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
Don't want corruption in the courts.

We know their type: sinful, vile, and cruel,
Punishing the innocent to maintain their rule,
And then continue to destroy all that we hold dear,
But I was saved from that fate by my friend and her partner who's so hunky.
They hate all that's right,
We hate debauchery.


 {Klavier}
My friend was in my band.


 {Juniper}
In his band!


 {Klavier}
Tried to keep his crimes hidden.


 {Juniper}
Crimes hidden!


 {Klavier}
By blaming a teenage boy.


 {Juniper}
A teenage boy!


 {Klavier}
He was a villain!


 {Juniper}
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
Don't want corruption in the courts.

We have to take a stand and show we care.
I know that life can be hard and quite unfair,
But crimes only make the world darker.
Felons may think we lack the guts,
But they'll soon know that's wrong
Since we're bettering the system with each passing minute.


 {Klavier}
My bro was a lawyer.


 {Juniper}
A lawyer!


 {Klavier}
Razed those caught up in his plans.


 {Juniper}
In his plans!


 {Klavier}
Thought the law bent to him.


 {Juniper}
Oh, no, no, no!


 {Klavier}
He was a villain!


 {Juniper}
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
There's corruption in the courts.
Don't want corruption in the courts.


 

 

Notes:

Weinerlich = Whiny or weepy

Chapter 69: Day of Disbarment - RL vs. AA Timeline - Surprise Double Duet!

Notes:

CT: When Phoenix was disbarred, his life took a major turn for the worst- the reputation that he worked hard to build over three years was slandered, he was forced to play piano and poker in a little slice of Siberia, and he had the misfortune of being stalked by a metrosexual psychopath who loves vengeance almost as much as Edgeworth loves "The Steel Samurai". Heck, if it wasn't for Trucy, Phoenix would have had few positive aspects in his life. Therefore, I don't think it's all that surprising that Phoenix would have been drawn to sadder songs when it came to torturing customers with his piano skills.

As for how Phoenix can actually play this parody with some semblance of skill, like my wonderful cowriter, I believe that he made it a habit of learning how to play Disney songs in order to appear at least somewhat qualified for his job.

JP: Happy Good Friday! I post on this day of not only religious sorrow but because most of us should know that with today being April 19, 2019 is the infamous day that lines up with the Ace Attorney timeline when a certain piece of forged evidence was presented in court… and created the events that made Nick lose his badge, the events of AJ to happen, and for me to write Turnabout Everlasting almost 4 years ago!

Ergo, it seemed fitting to give our loyal readers a surprise 2-for-1 special again, with first a song about Phoenix's lament after being disbarred, by CT, and then my own song circa SOJ right after, to hopefully lighten the mood! Enjoy! 😊

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

"Phoenix's Lament"
Sung to the tune of
"Jack's Lament"
Disney's  The Nightmare Before Christmas

[It was eight in the evening as Phoenix sat behind his piano at the Borscht Bowl, vigorously rubbing the sleeves of his hoodie in an attempt to warm his hands which felt like blocks of petrified wood thanks to his crazy boss feeling that it would be a splendid idea to capture the feel of Mother Russia by making the place colder than a Siberian ice cream factory. And to make matters worse, no one was stepping up to challenge him to a game of poker, thereby forcing him to endure the bitter cold while keeping up his front that he had barely any skill at whatsoever. Still, even though the place felt less like a restaurant and more like a penguin reserve and the customers often tipped him to stop playing, the ex-attorney just toughed things out since his pool of potential jobs was all but plentiful thanks to his reputation as 'The Forging Attorney'.]

[So after puffing one last burst of warm air into his palms and rubbing them together, Phoenix gave one last sweeping look at the customers watching him before playing his own version of a Disney song that he was actually semi-decent at. Thank goodness for the many tutorial videos on the internet in regards to playing beloved Disney songs on the piano, or the customers would be even more irate.]


There are few who'll contest,

That I was one of the best,

A legal legend loved by one and all.

With the help of comebacks and bluffs in the courtroom,

I won many cases without a real plan.


Thanks to my quick wit and steadfast trust in my clients,

I've exposed fiends whose souls really stink.

With a proud "Objection!" and a finger point,

I have saved many innocents from the clink.


And after three years, it became a trend,

Where I'd find the truth behind every bend.

Yet I, Phoenix, the Comeback King,

Was stripped of my title with scorn that stings.


Oh somewhere in the depths of my soul,

A feeling has started to take form.

Foul play was involved,

Not in my control,

That someone's hate has done its toll.


I fought hard for the truth,

Acting just like a sleuth,

And I would love to do so again.

To a cold hag from Kurain,

I'm Mr. Goody-Pain,

And criminals saw me as their bane.


Since I was disbarred,

And have a kid to guard,

I have to take work wherever I can.

No man nor demon can emulate my skill,

When I screw up songs before they've begun.


But who among you can hope to grasp,

That the Comeback King with a pure heart of gold,

Would never be so cold?

Please believe that if I knew,

That fake evidence wouldn't have gone through.


Oh there's an urge growing in my heart,

To expose the one who tore my life apart.

This has nothing to do with my pride,

As I won't let a villain's crimes slide.


[After the song ended, the crowd actually applauded Phoenix, much to his surprise, and actually smiled when they gently placed their money in his tip jar, a stark contrast to the glares that they usually wore when they tossed the money in like they were throwing away toxic waste.]

[Once the crowd had died down, Kristoph, who was sitting at his usual table right next to the piano where he was enjoying his weekly Cosmo, got up to congratulate his 'friend'.]

["Well, color me impressed, Wright. Your playing was actually tolerable,"  Kristoph said with a warm grin before pushing up his glasses.  "Don't get me wrong, Wright. I like you as a friend and you're a great person to talk to, but your skills with the piano have for the longest time been much to be desired."]

["What can I say?" Phoenix nonchalantly remarked with a shrug of his shoulders. "I was bound to get better at my instrument of torture sooner or later on account of this being my new livelihood and all…" The card shark stated as he gave his friend his newly-infamous thousand-yard stare, prompting the Coolest Defense in the West to feel a pang of nervousness.]

["I know that it's been rough for you since you were disbarred, Wright. I really do,"  Kristoph stated in a reassuring voice as he gently put his hand on his 'friend's' shoulder.  "Granted, I still have my badge and use it to live my dreams every day, but I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't be able to go on if I ever lost it like you had. But still, please don't hold any malicious feelings towards Klavier. I know that he can be a bit… much, especially after living in the same house as him for most of my life, but he's a good man who was only doing his job."]

["Why would I have it out for your brother, Kristoph?"  Phoenix asked as he cocked his head out of confusion.  "Sure, he revealed that the diary page was forged, but I don't think that he was involved with it. I mean, if he was, then my friend Edgeworth, a.k.a. the Demon Prosecutor, would have brought that to light long ago."]

["Oh, good."  Kristoph said with a sigh of relief, his composure becoming slightly less tense.  "I was worried that you might try getting revenge on me or my family for what Klavier did to you after what you said in your song."]

["I think you've taken on one too many murder cases,"  Phoenix chuckled.  "When I was singing that song, I was over exaggerating for the sake of making things interesting. With how tired I am after working all day and making sure Trucy's taken care of, the only thing I can think of at the end of the day is getting some sleep. Though speaking of which, I better start playing another song before my boss comes out here and starts lecturing me."]

["Fair enough. Hopefully, this next one will be as good as the last,"  Kristoph chirped as he returned to his seat.]

["Ok, everyone, this next song goes out to all those people in the audience who have ever known a good time cowboy Casanova!"  Phoenix exclaimed, prompting Kristoph to nearly gag on the Cosmo that he was delicately sipping.]


 

 

JP: My turn! This is for  SilverDragon889  on A03. Sung by Maya after her 3 rd  bogus murder charge while Nick is visiting her in SOJ prison for allegedly killing the priest.

CT: Once again, JP outdid herself with this parody. But would you expect any less from the Fluffy Queen when writing a parody about the Burger Queen? Seriously, I can just picture Maya singing this parody while Nahyuta and Inga watch the surveillance footage with completely different reactions. The former would stare at the screen with a look of disgust while preaching about how those who sing musical numbers are doomed to 5,000 years in the Hell of Tone-deaf Singing; whereas the latter would be trembling in his chair, a look of terror forming in his eyes as he's reminded of the Great "Mamma Mia!" Tragedy of '09, which involved him, Ga'ran, every song sung in "Mamma Mia!" a paddle boat, and a stuffed lamb.


"Jailbird Queen"
Sung to the tune of Abba's
"Dancing Queen"
from the musical Mamma Mia!

Oooh
You will bluff
While you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!


Jail food sucks Nick, it really blows
Third time here so you'd think I'd know
Framed again for a murder
Found guilty, I will swing
Hanging here is the thing


Damn Melsa wants to see me fry
Good thing you're my Ace law guy
Not afraid of you losing
Defense will be divine
You'll fly by seat of pants
But losing ain't no chance


I am the Jailbird Queen!
Bum rap sheet
All since 17!
Jailbird Queen
After me they should name a wing, oh yeah!


You will bluff
While you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!


When case looks hopeless, you prove them wrong
You don't give up, somehow stay strong
One turnabout to another
It's what you always do
I know that you'll come through
Cuz I believe in youuuuu…


I am the Jailbird Queen!
Bum rap sheet
All since 17!
Jailbird Queen
After me they should name a wing, oh yeah!


Oooh
You can bluff
As you strive
To try to keep me alive!
Ooh, see this girl
Same old scene
Behold the Jailbird Queen!


[Maya winks at Phoenix]

Beware the Comeback King!

Notes:

JP: Hoppy Easter everyone! Hope you enjoyed this second surprise holiday duet edition of Singing In The Courtroom!

Chapter 70: Spiky & His Friends

Notes:

JP: This is the last one for this month of showers. Considering the last entry was about a despondent, disbarred defense attorney/The Comeback King trying to save his fair lady from her umpteenth murder rap, I decided to end April with some fluff requested by reader/FF Writer, Red5T65. I hope I did your song about anthropomorphic trains (which I know nada about books or show-wise!) justice, dear reader! :)

CT: Thank goodness JP covered this one, because I don't think that the world's ready for "Blaisie and Friends". Sure, Blaise may be my favorite villain in the series, but the thought of his creepy grin on a train's enough to give even me nightmares for a week. Great, now I can't help but picture Jill Crane tied to some train tracks like something out of an old western film, only for Blaise in train form to mow her down, cackling like a madman while that cheerful theme song's playing before proceeding to speed after Sebastian who's trying to get away by running in the middle of the tracks (because we all know that's something he would do) and crying like there's no tomorrow.

Chapter Text

 

"Spiky & His Friends"
Sung to the tune of the
"Thomas & Friends"
Show Theme Song

 

These legal heroes really great
With them you can trust your fate
They wear yellow and red and blue
Fighting hard to defend you


 

Strive for justice day by day
Their powers help them on the way
With DA's they will contend
Spiky and his friends!


 

Phoenix! He's the famous one
Apollo! He can't be undone
Athena! She's almost at prime
Trucy! Magic's where she shines!
Maya! Knows her spirit stuff
Pearly's slaps are really rough!
Edgeworth! Fights tough but he's fair
The fop! Plays guitar in air!


 

These legal heroes really great
With them you can trust your fate
They wear yellow and red and blue
Fighting hard to defend you


 

Strive for justice day by day
Their powers help them on the way
With DA's they will contend
Spiky and his friends!

 

Chapter 71: Let's Help Her Eminence!

Notes:

CT: If you thought that "Surgeon!", a parody in which Grey cuts out the vocal chords of the weather girl who had the audacity to ruin his suit with her faulty predictions, is the darkest entry in this fanfic, then you haven't read this one yet. Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to sit down and listen to the original song for hours on end as I wrote this. I guess it got stuck in my head as I suffered with a stealth section for nearly ten minutes as it played in the background when I was recording my blind playthrough of the game. That, or it left me with mental scars when I heard it playing in a dark hallway reminiscent of the one from "The Shining". Either way, somehow this parody came into being and made me start questioning my sanity.

JP: Gyaah! I thought the sight of Jean Armstrong twerking in the AA anime was the most disturbing thing I'd have to witness this year...but it looks like I was wrong. Enjoy the mondo disturbia imagery concocted by my comic genius partner, who has openly disclaimed that on occasion, his sense of humor is more twisted than a pretzel in a tornado! Lemme know if you agree this might surpass the nightmare fuel of a certain twerking jiggling cream puff! ;)

"Let's Help Her Eminence!"

Chapter Text

"Let's Help Her Eminence!"
Sung to the tune of
"Let's Play with Monokuma"

from "Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls"


 

It was a regular day at the Anything Agency and Phoenix was using that time to read a case file for an upcoming trial. However, the spiky-haired attorney was suddenly interrupted by Maya bursting into the office.

"Nick! Nick! Nick!" Maya jovially screamed at the top of her lungs as she ran over to her friend. "I've just received the greatest gift ever- the gift to end all gifts!"

"The willpower to keep yourself from bleeding my poor wallet dry with your infamous four stomachs?" Phoenix wry asked, not even looking up from his case file.

"Don't be silly, Nick!" Maya chirped as she playfully slapped her friend's shoulder. "I'm talking about this!"

The burger-loving spirit medium pulled a videotape labeled 'Special Musical Episode' out of her robe, placing it right on top of Phoenix's case file so that he couldn't ignore it.

"A video, Maya?" Phoenix asked with a tone of slight irritation as he handed the tape back to his loyal assistant.

"Not just any video, Nick! This video contains an episode of 'The Plumed Punisher' that will never, ever be aired!" Maya squealed, hugging the videotape as if it was her baby.

"What?" Phoenix asked, flashing the excited fangirl a confused look.

"Yeah! Prosecutor Sahdmadhi mailed it to Kurain just for me! Apparently, he and Rayfa were cleaning out Inga's private quarters and found it in one of his desk drawers."

"Wait, why wouldn't Rayfa want to keep it for herself? After all, she's a huge 'Plumed Punisher' fan as well."

"From what I read in the note that Prosecutor Sahdmadhi included with the video, Rayfa doesn't want to watch any unreleased episodes that depict Ga'ran as a hero and Dhurke as a villain. That's why they're currently filming an arc where Dhurke, Inga, and the Plumed Punisher move past their differences and team up to fight Ga'ran, who's now a cyborg that fires lasers and breathes fire. But since this was the last episode that Inga worked on before he… you know… Rayfa couldn't bring herself to throw it out and instead decided to send it to a friend that she knew would appreciate it; which is why we're gonna watch it right now!"

Without waiting for her friend to respond, Maya rushed over to the television and inserted the tape into the VCR that Phoenix, like with his old dinosaur phone, refused to get rid of.

"Maya, no offence, but watching that episode is the last thing I want to do today." Phoenix stated as he went back to reading his case file.

"C'mon, Nick! I know you're an old geezer, but why don't you wanna have fun?" Maya whined.

"I like fun, but if I want to survive tomorrow's trial against Franziska, I have to study this case file." Phoenix retorted, slapping the back of his hand against the manila folder to emphasize his point. "And if Franziska does kill me because I decided to have fun instead of having some sort of strategy, I don't want it to be because I was watching the Khura'inese knockoff of 'The Steel Samurai'."

"But, Niiiiiiiiick! This is an episode that only we get to see! It'll change the way we look at the world!"

"That's what you said when Gumshoe sold you that video that he secretly filmed of Edgeworth wearing a Steel Samurai tee-shirt and tight European shorts while doing his morning calisthenics in his apartment as part of his line of 'Edgeworth merchandise'." Phoenix shuddered upon recalling that dreadful video. "And just so you know, I'm still having nightmares about it."

"Don't be such a baby, Nick!" Maya huffed with puffed out cheeks. "This episode will be fun, you'll see!"

"Yeah, I'll make sure to remember that when Franziska puts me in a coma." Phoenix wryly retorted.

"Well, if you don't watch this episode with me, then I'll tell Pearly, and you know how she gets when you upset me!"

"Hey, Boss, if you don't want to watch that video, I could take your place while you-" Athena called out from inside the bathroom, her voice filled with hope, only to be cut-off by Phoenix.

"Nice try, Athena, but you're not leaving that bathroom until the toilet is spotless."

"But I always have to clean the toilet!" Athena whined.

"Well, I've always had to watch these kinds of shows with Maya. So, it looks like we're even." Phoenix groaned as Maya turned on the video which proceeded to play 'The Plumed Punisher' theme song.

However, unlike most episodes of 'The Plumed Punisher', instead of going straight into the episode, it just stayed on the title screen as Inga started speaking in a tone that sounded like he really didn't want to do this.

"Hey kids, I know you wanna jump straight into today's episode, but before we get into all the action, drama, and comedy, Her Eminence has a little treat for you that she's been working very hard on. So because we all… like… her, and because she can be very… persuasive, here's Queen Ga'ran and the Ga'ran Kids."

The video immediately cut to Ga'ran standing in the middle of a stage where she had children who were dressed like the Plumed Punisher to either side of her in a straight, orderly line. Though Phoenix and Maya weren't focusing on the children or the former queen, but rather the props that were behind the group: fake trees that were typically used in stage productions that had the bodies of deceased Defiant Dragons – not mannequins with armbands, but actual corpses that used to be living, breathing people – dangling from the branches by the ropes ties around their necks like morbid fruits.

And as if things couldn't be any creepier, a cheery tune that wouldn't be out of place in a carnival that sounded eerily similar to the song from 'It's a Small World' started playing as the children started singing.


 Let's fight the Defiant Dragons,
And fill the air with their screams and yells.
Queen Amara died because Dhurke's the Devil in human-form,
So they must burn and rot in Hell.


 

Queen Ga'ran bears a holy light,
Which she will use to purge this blight.
Queen Ga'ran loves all her people,
So serve her and be gleeful.


 

If you see a Dragon in the streets,
Don't hesitate to beat in their brains.
We will create a mountain with all their bodies,
And crush Dhurke under their remains.


 

Kill them!
Kill them!
Kill them, Your Eminence!
Break them!
Break them!
Break them, Your Eminence!


 

If we band together in these most dark of times,
Dhurke will surely pay for his crimes.


 

Your Eminence, we will achieve peace,
When their blood flows through the streets.
We won't show a shred of mercy,
When we stab and bleed them out.


 

They will feel every shred of fury,
When we crush all their bones.


 

We will not stop till every Dragon's dead,
And their remains are all black, blue, and red.
The Holy Mother smiles down on us,
Because we serve Her holy cause.


 

Do not listen to Dhurke's silver tongue,
Instead rip it out painfully.
We only heed the word of Her Eminence,
As we fight that big bully.


 

When the dragons are defeated and dead,
We will light their bodies ablaze and see them melt,
And roast Dhurke on them alive so he knows how Her Mercifulness felt.


 

Burn them!
Burn them!
Burn them, Your Eminence!
Crush them!
Crush them!
Crush them, Your Eminence!


 

Tomorrow will be a bright and joyous day,
When Dhurke's killed like base prey.


 

Queen Ga'ran's a woman of repose,
But even she has her limits.
Queen Ga'ran won't tolerate those,
Who threaten our safety.


 

Holy Mother, guide our hands and goals,
So You can damn Dhurke's soul!


 

The footage then transitioned back to the show's title screen where Inga once again started speaking.

"Thanks for listening to that little message from my… lovely wife. And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, the epic fight between the Plumed Punisher and Dhurke's –"

However, before the episode itself could start, Maya quickly turned off the television.

"I think I'm gonna be sick, Nick!" She groaned, putting a hand over her mouth before making a beeline dash for the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

"Oh, c'mon! I just finished cleaning that, Maya!" Athena wailed at the top of her lungs.

"I never thought that I'd say this," Phoenix mumbled to himself as he just stared at the black television screen with a mixed look of terror and shock in his eyes. "But I think that I've found something more horrifying than 'Edgeworth's Honeybun Sunrise'! "

 

Chapter 72: When Your Sister's A Demon

Notes:

JP: For JusticeForNoOne. Mi amigo, I hope despite not being as fluffy as the fond memories you have with this song, I found using the titian-haired succubitch as the as the parody subject worked quite well with the melody! The other option was Inga singing "when your wife's a wicked queen" but I think my hilarious co-pilot has paid enough homage to the emasculated defense Minister (if you want to know more details about why that is my accepted head canon for the dastardly fiendish murder of Daddy Dragon – read CT's Imperial Daddy…if you dare! Bwahahaha!

While this is still a song about the most diabolical villainess in the entire series, it's sung by her comparatively angelic twin and nevertheless is hopefully a bit less…disturbia than the last dark path the last song took us. 😊

CT: If Iris ever has to babysit Pearl for a night and needs to sing a lullaby to help her baby sister get to sleep, chances are that this parody will be at the top her list. Though knowing Iris, she probably also has a version dedicated to her mother, a.k.a. the Wicked Witch of Kurain.

Chapter Text

 

"When Your Sister's A Demon"
Sung to the tune of
"When You Wish Upon A Star" from
Disney's  Pinocchio

 

When your sister's a demon
It never is too much fun
Putting out all of her fires
It makes me blue


She's not as sweet as she seems
No murder is too extreme
Wish she'd get hit by a car
Sometimes it's true


A wicked mind
Kills those she claims to love
Do I hate her? Well, kind of
She's done too much wrongdoing


I share the face of evil shrew
She'll rot in hell that's nothing new
When your sister's a demon
It's never much fun…

Chapter 73: You've Been Killed

Notes:

CT: When TheFreelancerSeal first suggested this idea, several possible scenarios popped into my head- Manfred singing this after murdering Gregory, Kristoph singing this after bludgeoning Zak, Blaise singing it to celebrate a job well done as he buries the corpse of his late wife in a shallow grave off the side of the road... But then JP reminded me that Adrian was the one who discovered Juan's corpse in "Farewell, My Turnabout", and it was settled then and there that this would be the basis of this parody. After all, I find it a bit strange that Adrian didn't celebrate in the slightest upon discovering that one of the guys who she despised with every fiber of her being was dead. Though I have to say, it's a shame that Juan didn't bring his guitar to the hotel. Otherwise, I wouldn't have hesitated having Adrian frantically strumming it while singing her song, only to smash it on the ground upon finishing like some kind of rock star before cleaning up and getting rid of the pieces.

JP: Last song of the month - talk about going out with a bang!
I loved this darker side exploration of Adrian, who is a fan fave, as it gives her more grit and makes her much more interesting than just as some wimpy co-dependent sort. Plus, it never occurred to me my mild-mannered pal who asked for the tune could have a darker side than Vader himself in asking for this unheard-of tune, or that my comic genius partner could make it so deliciously satisfying a scenario despite it being more twisted than a knotted rope in a cyclone! I mean, did anyone shed any tears over Corrida's death besides Oldbag?

Chapter Text

"You've Been Killed"
Sung to the tune of
"You Are Dead" from
the game Total Distortion


"Mr. Edgeworth, do we really have to keep watching this video over and over again? You know I don't like seeing this kind of stuff." Gumshoe voiced with a pained expression on his face as he looked down at his superior's computer which was currently playing a video of Shelly de Killer strangling Juan Corrida with his own scarf, the maroon-cladded prosecutor sitting behind his desk while the scruffy detective stood behind the chair.

"I understand your discomfort, Gumshoe, I really do, but if we want to bring de Killer to justice, we need to have a solid grasp of his escape methods. And after what that monster subjected Wright, Maya, and Franziska to last month, that mission has become all the more important. So while it may be on the unsavory side, we must watch the footage that Engarde had taped thoroughly to see- and now he's gone." Edgeworth sighed with exasperation. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear that assassin isn't a man, but actually a phantom of sorts, what with how fast and seamless he operates. Well, time to rewind again." The maroon-cladded prosecutor stated with a shrug of his shoulders before attempting to restart the video, only to be stopped by an objection from his subordinate.

"C'mon, Mr. Edgeworth. We've been watching this video for three hours. Can't we take a little break?"

"Do you think that de Killer's taking a 'little break' as he stabs a dagger into his next victim's jugular?" Edgeworth angrily retorted as he slammed his palm on his desk to emphasize his point.

"But, Mr. Edgeworth, I-" Gumshoe tried to whine, flashing his best puppy dog eyes in an attempt to sway his superior, only to be immediately cut off.

"No buts, Gumshoe. We're going to watch this footage until we can come up with some kind of plan, and if I hear one more objection come out of your mouth, I'll suggest that we capture de Killer by hiring him to assassinate what's left of your-"

"Mr. Edgeworth! Someone's entering the room!" Gumshoe exclaimed, frantically pointing his meaty finger at the monitor as Adrian appeared on the camera.

"Yes, Gumshoe. That's Ms. Andrews," Edgeworth growled with his fists clenched. "She was the one who discovered the body, as well as the one who helped turn that case into the nightmare that it was."

"She really looks shaken up, Mr. Edgeworth," the scruffy detective noted as he watched the manager let out a shriek, accidentally breaking a nearby vase as she took an instinctive step back.

"Do you blame her? You'd act the same way if you suddenly realized that your cohort was just murdered. But what is she mumbling under her breath…?" The maroon-cladded prosecutor asked, increasing the volume on his computer so that he could understand what was being said.

"I can't believe it!" Adrian gasped. "That bastard's finally dead! Serves him right for what he did to Celeste!" The manager added with a snarl, only to take a deep breath and quickly regain her composure. "Calm down, Adrian. Celebrate later, act now. You only have one chance to take down Engarde, and you need to act fast. But first…" she smirked, getting right in Juan's face before proceeding to sing a song that she seemed to have been practicing for quite some time.


You've been killed, killed, killed!

You've been killed, killed, killed!

Thought you were rad,

But no one'll be sad.


 You've been killed, killed, killed!

Your life and fame were nothing but a bad fad.


 You've been killed, killed, killed!

You're pale and there's no beat in your chest.

I'm glad you've been killed!


 Serves you right for what you did to Celeste.

I'm glad you've been killed!


 Good to know you'll start to decay.

You've been killed, killed, killed!

There's no doubt that this is a wonderful day!


 You've been killed, killed, killed!

You're pale and there's no beat in your chest.

I'm glad you've been killed!

Serves you right for what you did to Celeste.

I'm glad you've been killed!


 Aww, sweet that you died,

Just like your fiancé. And now you're in Hell.

You're damned,

Screwed!

How's it like being a corpse?


 Ta-ta, you're garbage, you're toast,

You're waste.

I hope Celeste spits down on you from Heaven.

Adios, muchacho,

Toodaloo.

Good riddance.


 

After finishing her song, Adrian proceeded to tamper with the crime scene, at which point, Edgeworth paused the video. And for the next few seconds, the maroon-cladded prosecutor and his subordinate couldn't help but stare at the monitor with saucer-sized eyes.

"Mr. Edgeworth…?" Gumshoe asked in an unsettled tone.

"Yes, Gumshoe…?" Edgeworth responded in a similar manner.

"I don't think that de Killer's the most disturbing part of the video anymore. Can we go back to watching him?"

"My thoughts exactly, Detective." Edgeworth stated as he restarted the video, making sure to never let it play beyond the point of Shelly leaving the room.

 

Chapter 74: Daddy Issues Month Take 2 Redo Double Feature!

Notes:

JP: Welcome to a new month, where, before we get into Daddy issues – er Father's Day festivities, we decide to do a switch-er-roo, re-do! CT and I took a song the other had already done, and decided to put our own spin on it.
Yeah we all known Gummy has sworn lifelong fealty to Miles to the point of almost being interpreted as Smithers/Burns level of sycophant/slavery, but I still think after his first salary cut, in the first game at least, he may have been grumbling a bit about his plight of being forced to live off a heart unhappy, high sodium diet – not even Eldoon level, or even name brand instant noodles, but the no-name, $0.25 variety…hence his ode to Ramen! This is my take 2 on CT's "Man-nay, Man-ay, The Pool's The Place To Be" from chapter 58.

CT: As you'll see with JP's hilarious parody about Gumshoe's instant noodle plight, we can finally have closure on whether ChloboShoka was referring to "Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A Pirate's Life for Me" or "Heigh-Ho" with their suggestion.
Though now that I think about it, how Gumshoe hasn't died from hypertension at this point is beyond me. Actually, scratch that. Considering the fact that Gumshoe actually tried to eat the magatama (at least, it's stated that he tried to if Edgeworth presents it to him), I think it's safe to say that he only eats one meal a day, if that. Heck, in that very same case, you can get some dialogue with Edgeworth- I believe that it's triggered if you present Gumshoe's profile- in which Gumshoe actually started crying tears of joy when the maroon-cladded prosecutor took him out for spaghetti with parmesan cheese.

Chapter Text

"Ramen, Ramen (It's All I Can Afford!)"
Sung to the tune of
"Heigh-ho" from Disney's
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

These bigwig big prigs leave this poor dick broke
And always screwed


No figs, no jigs, no big shindigs for poor ol' Dick Gumshoe!
How can this Dick make wallet thick
When working for two stingy pricks


I won't whine! I won't whine! I won't whine! I won't whine!
Cheap eats while fighting crime!


I will not ever get a raise without causing a fight
I've gotten every pay cut there can ever be in sight


I'm working for a grumpy bore
The Wild Mare whips me till I'm sore
I wonder what I'm staying for?
Rough life for flatfoot pig


[CHORUS STARTS]

Ramen!
(Ramen!)

Ramen!
(Ramen!)

Ramen!
(Ramen!)

Ramen!

Ramen!

It's all I can afford

Ramen! Ramen!
Ramen! Ramen!
Ramen!
It's all I can afford

Ramen!
(Ramen!)


[REPEAT CHORUS TO FADE]


CT:  I know that JP has already nailed a "Dancing Queen" parody in the form of "Burger Queen" back in Chapter 69, but after reading my reply to the review that Joeclone left for that chapter in which I pondered the possibility of what a "Dancing Queen" parody featuring Angel Star, a.k.a. the Cough-up Queen, would be like, my wonderful co-writer felt that it would be a wonderful idea to make that concept a reality. That's why for this double feature chapter, we've decided to really mix things up by each of us doing our own version of a parody already uploaded here that the other has written.  Though what makes things even more interesting is that at the time of writing this A/N, I don't know which of my parodies JP is going to be covering. But regardless of which one my wonderful co-writer decides to tackle; I know she'll do a great job as always!

JP: My hilarious co-pilot re-did a side-splitting Dancing Queen parody,  "Cough-Up Queen"  starring who else? Angel Star. Made me want to jive my heinie off! My version,  "Jailbird Queen"  if you want to compare, was on chapter 69! ;)


"Cough Up Queen"
Sung to the tune of
"Dancing Queen"
from the musical  Mamma Mia!

It was the first day of Lana's trial and Edgeworth was determined to prove without a shadow of a doubt that she murdered the victim, Detective Bruce Goodman- not because he strongly felt that she was guilty, nor a desire to restore his win record, but because the Chief Prosecutor made it personal the second she decided to commit the crime in the trunk of his car with his knife. As if the lowly gossips at the precinct and Prosecutor's Office didn't have enough fuel stoking their flames, now they were probably going to go around spreading lies that he was somehow the mastermind behind this whole thing. And to make things worse, his car would most likely be impounded and he'd be down one Portia. Though even if the car wasn't impounded, the maroon-cladded prosecutor would still have to spend an arm and a leg cleaning the blood out of his trunk.

Though thankfully for Edgeworth, luck was on his side in the form of his first witness being none other than Angel Starr, a renowned ex-detective whose skills were matched only by her promiscuity. Sure, Phoenix may have had some lucky breaks in the past thanks to Gumshoe's incompetency and big mouth, but today was going to be much different.

At least, that's what Edgeworth thought until he saw his star witness handing out lunchboxes instead of stating her name and occupation.

"Ah, and you, sir… Did you order 'The Fingerprint' lunchbox?" Angel asked with a warm smile, obviously taking pleasure in irritating the Demon Prosecutor.

"It is too early for lunch. Your name and profession, please." Edgeworth curtly requested with crossed arms.

"I can do better than that, Mr. Edgeworth. Boyfriend #9,001, would you be so kind as to start up my music?" Angel chirped, prompting a bailiff standing near the Judge's bench to pick up a boombox near his feet, turn it on, and hold it above his head as it started to play a karaoke remix of ABBA's "Dancing Queen."


{Angel}

Oooh,

She can't lie,

She can't hide,

Behind her power and pride!


Ooh,

'Cause now I'm here,

Saw the scene,

I am the Cough-up Queen!


I witnessed the crime from afar,

Done near that gaudy, foul pink car-


"Objection!" Edgeworth angrily shouted as he slammed his fist hard on the prosecutor's bench. "My car is clearly red, not pink! And furthermore, will the witness please state her name and- OW!" The Demon Prosecutor yelled out, nearly knocked off his feet by a deceptively heavy lunchbox being thrown at his head, courtesy of the Cough-up Queen as she continued her song.


{Angel}

She was a leopard woman,

Savoring her kill,

Getting high off of the thrill.


But that was her biggest mistake,

'Cause the Cough-up Queen takes no breaks,


So I gave her a few scrapes,

And made the world right.

She may have power and clout,

But I have my boyfriends…!


"Come, my boyfriends, sing for your Cough-up Queen!" Angel purred with a sultry grin, prompting half of the men in the gallery to stand up and start singing.


{Boyfriend Chorus}

She is our Cough-up Queen,

Fierce, yet fun,

Only thir- er, 21!


Cough-up Queen,

No one can top your looks or cuisine!

Oh yeah!

Skye can't lie,

Skye can't hide,

Behind her power and pride!


Ooh,

'Cause now you're here,

Saw the scene,

You are our Cough-up Queen!


{Angel}

I'm a tease,

I turn the boys on,

Leave them wanting more when I'm gone.

Searching for a new boyfriend,

I'm good with anyone.


"Well, almost anyone…" Angle bitterly added, casting a brief glare at Edgeworth with her demon eye before returning to her bubbly persona.


So, if you think you're the guy,

Then help me take down Skye!

The rest of the men in the gallery proceeded to join the others in the chorus.


{Boyfriend Chorus}

She is our Cough-up Queen,

Fierce, yet fun,

Only thir- er, 21!


Cough-up Queen,

No one can top your looks or cuisine!

Oh yeah!


Skye can't lie,

Skye can't hide,

Behind her power and pride!


Ooh,

'Cause now you're here,

Saw the scene,

You are our Cough-up Queen!


{Angel}

Beware the Cough-up Queen!


"Name. Profession. Now." Edgeworth growled as he slammed his palm on the prosecutor's bench.

I swear, first White, then my geriatric stalker- who, by the way won't stop sending flowers and 'Steel Samurai' merchandise to my office- then that hellion Cody Hackins, and now THIS…!? Is it too much to ask for witnesses to simply just state their names and professions? What did I do to deserve this constant torment?

"The name is Angel Star. Don't go forgetting it." Angel tittered.

That's right, little man, squirm. Squirm like the disgusting, lowly worm that you are! You deserve every second of this for what you and the Ice Queen of the Prosecutor's Office did to me!

 

Chapter 75: I'll Make You Proud To Be My Daughter

Notes:

JP: For my good friend, TheFreelancerSeal. Also thank you, Muhammad Sban, for reminding me we are in the official AJ game AA timeline now, so this June 16, 2019 marks newly crowned DILF Nick and Trucy's first Father's Day together! Let the daddy/parental issues themed tunes commence, henceforth! 😊

CT: Once again, my wonderful cowriter has brought us another gem of a parody involving one of everyone's favorite father/daughter relationships in the series. Though what makes this one better than all of the others is that it celebrates the first Father's Day in which Trucy has a dad who actually loves her and is there for her, and not some poker-obsessed jerk who abandoned his daughter without a second thought- an act, by the way, that he actually had her help him with- and is almost as bad as Kristoph when it comes to revenge. Sure, Kristoph is a psychotic prick who ruined a Phoenix's career over a game of poker and then proceeded to befriend and stalk the man for ten years, but at least he didn't try to ruin the poker shark's life any further. But Zak, on the other hand, decided to employ some multi-tasking by signing over the rights to Magnifi's tricks to Trucy before trying to ruin Phoenix's new career.

You know, after all these years, I still can't believe that Zak had the gall to pretend that he loved Trucy, only for him to try to ruin Phoenix's poker career in a way not all that different from how Kristoph ruined the man's attorney career, and by extension, jeopardizing his daughter's wellbeing. And for what reason? Zak's galaxy-sized ego was wounded after losing a poker game to a man that he challenged. And people say that Kristoph was petty... You know, many fans view Retinz as the evilest Gramarye, but at least with him, he was completely aware that he was a jerk and wasn't afraid to hide it. He didn't try to hide it behind this mask of joviality, only to assault people with grape juice bottles!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 I'll Make You Proud To Be My Daughter
Sung to the tune of
"Candle On The Water"
from Disney's Pete's Dragon


It was his nightly ritual, long after he'd tucked her in, to peer in through the crack of the sleeping Trucy's bedroom door, prior to hitting the hay himself. That sight alone was enough to make Phoenix realize deciding to adopt Trucy had unquestionably been the right decision.

I need to stop torturing myself about what's happened to me. For Trucy's sake, I need to believe that I am worthy of escaping this hurricane of thoughts, the positive and the negative analysis of the actions and words of others. I am worthy of love and a better life, I know am. So instead of wondering why all this had to happen to me, I'll try not to dwell on what's happened, and focus on this little moppet who depends on me.

There was just something strangely soul-soothing about seeing the peaceful expression on his little ward's sleeping face, in light of the devastating event that had occurred nearly two months ago, and turned his world upside down.

His own father, Roc Gryphon Wright, had always encouraged his only child to always buck up and be strong, in the face of any adversity. The memory of those loving words of guidance now flashed through his mind.

"It is not easy to live life sometimes, son," the late physician had advised his son. "To face the world with a smile when you're crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities. But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through and trust that you can survive this; you'll come out a new person, stronger and as long as you don't give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem, you will make it."

Phoenix was filled with fresh resolve as he regarded the slumbering form of the pint-sized magician, who'd been a soothing balm for his wounded heart and battered mind.

The most profound thing we can offer our children is our own healing. For you, Truce, I will try to lick my own wounds, and be strong. Come to me in your summer time, when our laughter is as the daisies in the grass. Come to me in your winter time, when you feel as if ice freezes your heart and blood. I'll be your shelter, your guardian, your forever home... always with an open door, the key always in your pocket, and a love that is always yours. From this day on, I'll make my escape plan from my negative, self-destructive thoughts through the green leaves and under open skies on this path of anticipation about where this newfound journey of fatherhood will take me. I'll make sure to be a man who you'll take pride in having as a father…


I'll make you proud to be my daughter
Newfound dad role I'll never spurn
Your spirits need uplifting
But the tides are shifting
I'm safe to trust, as you've grown to learn


I'll make you proud to be my daughter
In this bleak life you are my light
As you grow up, I'll guide you
Always be beside you
Give my Trucy a bedtime kiss each night


 For all the times you've cried and felt blue
I'll move heaven and earth so you won't frown
Happy new memories now await you
I'll always be there
Know how much I care


 I'll make you proud to be my daughter
You mean more than you'll ever know
This bond I'll nay forsake it
Here's my hand so take it
My baby girl, here's what you should know
As far as blood oaths go
My love will only grow
My love will only grow
My love will only grow...


 The next morning, he was sipping his coffee at the breakfast table when his daughter bounced into the room, all rainbows and sunshine, as usual.

"Good morning, Daddy!"

"Good morning, Truce. Did you sleep well?"

"I sure did! I had the nicest dream!" There was an impish twinkle in her eye. "I dreamt of that pretty song from that Disney movie we watched last night after dinner. But in my dream, a man was singing it instead of a lady. And instead of singing about being a candle on the water, he was singing about how he wanted me to be proud to be his daughter."

Phoenix nearly did a spit-take of the scalding brew, his cup landing onto the table in a heavy clunk as he goggled the child, who was now sporting a mischievous grin.

"You – you heard me?" He gasped, his eyes the size of golf balls. "I had no idea! I thought you were asleep!"

"Nope!" She shook her head, blue orbs dancing. "I only pretended to be asleep, because I was scared that if you knew I was awake, you'd stop singing, and I didn't want that, since you have such a beautiful voice, Daddy! And I want you to know that I'm already so proud to be your daughter."

As he reeled back in astonishment from this unexpected confession, she beamed at him mysteriously.

"And to prove it, I wanted to show something I've been working on this past month – TA-DA!"

With a flourish, she raised the corner of her cape and spun around in a tiny pink blur several times, and when she whirled around to face him again, her pink ensemble was gone, replaced by a new top hat and cloak – in blue.

The astounding symbolism of the costume simultaneously took his breath away, and filled his heart with so much love and pride, he thought it would surely burst.

Blue. The very color Phoenix used to wear in the courtroom, when he'd been the blue defense attorney known as the Turnabout King. Even though the badge had been stripped away, the symbolism she'd tied to it obviously hadn't. Trucy clearly, without a word, and even before the official adoption papers had come in, had just demonstrated how her new life, her new identity, would no longer be as Trucy Enigmar, but Trucy Wright.

Because she really wanted the whole world to know she was now the daughter of Phoenix Wright.

"Trucy…" He felt a lump forming in his throat. "I – I don't know what to say…"

He felt a prickling sensation behind his eyes, but refused to give into the dam of tears threatening to consume him. Even if it was from happiness, he would not let himself cry in front of this precious darling. A man had to have some dignity, after all!

"You don't need to say anything, Daddy. But I hope it made you happy! Oh! I made you a card, too!"

Trucy reached into her cape and pulled out a colorful folded sheet of construction paper, which had an adorable, hand drawn image of a father and daughter wearing magician hats inside of a heart on the front.

"After you sang that song last night, I decided to write you a special poem, to show you how much you mean to me."

Her expression was bashful as she passed Phoenix the card and he began to read what was written inside. As he did so, he could feel the stinging sensation behind his lids begin to grow.


 I want you to let me grow up,
But at the same time I want you to still see me as your little buttercup.
I want you to give me some room,
But at the same time I want you to always be there in the doom.
I want you to hold me on stormy days,
When lightning strikes and outside it's a daze.
I want you to trust me, with your full heart.
Even when I mess up, still trust every part.
I want you to hold my hand,
Silently be there without demand.
I want you to teach me by your walk,
Not just by the words that you talk.
I want you to guide me when I am lost,
To always show up without a cost.
I want you to love me, each and every day,
And every night I will fall to me knees and pray.
Thanking the Lord above for blessing me with,
A wonderful Daddy who, badge or no badge, is definitely no myth.


 

His throat was now aching from the unshed tears of emotion.

Thanking the Lord. That's what she'd written.

It was but for the grace of God that his eyes had somehow remained dry until now.

She was grateful for him, the disgraced man of infamous forging acclaim and tarnished reputation. Somehow, through all the darkness that surrounded him, this little angel had been sent to him; the sole beacon of light in his otherwise bleak existence.

With what little means I have, I am reinforcing my solemn vow to do my best to be there for her, shelter her, comfort her. There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep her safe from harm, but I cannot protect her forever. I can only be there when she falls and stand well back while she reaches for the stars.

Before he could even show reaction to the poignant verse, the little magician, with typical childlike exuberance, was already brandishing another item, which she magically seemed to have plucked out of thin air.

"I got you a real present, too." Standing there with arms akimbo, she flashed her trademark winsome grin. "After all, this is our first Father's Day together!"

"You didn't have to do that!" He protested. "You shouldn't be spending your hard-earned money from The Wonder Bar on me!"

"Well, it didn't really cost anything, since I used a lot of money buying the material to make my new costume," she admitted sheepishly, then smiled shyly as she placed the soft object in his hand. "So, don't worry, it's not something I bought in a store, Daddy. It's something I made, but I still hope you like it."

Phoenix picked up the knitted aquamarine cap and turned it in the light to see the large yellow lettering which read Papa, all the better. As he did so Trucy's eyes followed her father's movements, studying his facial micro-expressions. He knew not to be too quick to praise, or else his daughter might suspect it was insincere if he did so, but too long, and her little heart would fall into her magician boots. He let his face flood with a genuine, joyful smile, and at the rare sighting of her guardian's lit up visage, Trucy clapped her tiny hands and bounced on her toes.

"I love it," he assured her, clearing throat so his voice wouldn't break. "Thank you, Trucy. I'm very proud to be your Papa. I'll never take it off, I promise."

As he smiled indulgently and pulled on the crowning glory which completed his recently acquired, hobo chic ensemble, her earnest cerulean eyes now regarded him with a solemn expression that was far too serious for any 8-year-old to ever have.

"I know it's my fault you lost your badge, Daddy. I understand this costume and your beanie can't make up for that. But I also realize how you must feel so lonely sometimes, since Uncle Miles is working overseas and Miss Maya is away training. I wanted us to both have hats now, to show that we're now an official team and so you would know that you at least have me by your side, forever and ever!"

"At least?" He croaked, reaching out and pulling her into a bear hug so tight, he almost worried he would crush her tiny frame. "Baby girl, if I held my badge, even this world in one hand and you in the other, without hesitation, I'd take you. I know not everything I do makes it look that way, but life can get pretty complicated pretty quick. You are my own child, and though I loved the law, and being an attorney, with every fibre of my being, you mean more."

"I'm so happy you don't hate me for giving you that forged page, Daddy," Trucy whispered tearily as she buried her head in his chest. "Hearing you sing that song last night meant so much to me – because sometimes, you're so quiet and look so sad, it's hard for me to know what you're feeling."

"I'm sorry that I've been bringing my work poker face home to you, Truce. Let me tell you right now what I'm feeling, so you never have reason to ever doubt what's in my heart, ever again."

He drew back slightly and gently stroked her cherubic face.

"Know that being my daughter means something. It means I will protect you to the very last vestige of my power. I will stand before you should danger come your way, beside you as you find your footing, and only behind when you are grown up and ready to leave the nest. I won't ever leave you. Never."

His cadence was filled with tenderness as he continued.

"I hope you won't ever feel you have to earn a place in my heart, to prove yourself worthy. You never will. Although I wasn't there the moment you were born, there was no mistaking the divine spark that is your soul kindle within your eyes. Whatever challenges come your way, I know the real you, the one inside; the one that is my daughter. That's what you are to me, and always will be. Together, we'll be as close as law and love can make us."

Trucy let out a delighted squeal as she lurched herself into his arms again.

"That's right – because we're Team Wright!" She chirped, looking up adoringly into his face before planting a kiss on his stubbled cheek. "It's you and me against the world, Daddy! I love you 3000!"

"I love you too, baby girl." He drew her back in for another hug, uncaring about the stray droplet that fell down onto her cape. Dignity be damned! "Though these bones will age, Trucy Hecate Wright, my love is everlasting."

 

Notes:

JP: Few things make me happier than Wrighting Nick in DILF mode! Happy Father's Day, y'all!

Chapter 76: The Plumed Punisher

Summary:

CT: Originally, this parody was going to be about Edgeworth, Simon, Klavier, Franziska, and Sebastian and how they fight for justice and the truth. However, after realizing that the Steel Samurai and Pink Princess' theme songs had their own parodies in this fanfic, I felt that it was only fair that everyone's favorite Khura'inese knockoff had her time in the spotlight. So with that said, this parody- and all of the pain that Inga suffers because of it- goes out to DJJ680.

JP: This last installment of June's "Daddy Issues Month" (which will continue into July as we have some more Papa/parental themed requests in the pipeline) is brought to you by the somewhat twisted sense of humor of the ever-comical genius known as Czar Thwomp. This parody falls under this month's themed category because um… well instead of playing "How's Your Father?" like the Brits say across the pond, or, "Who's Your Daddy?" let's just say Ga'ran was able to boast that: "Even my worthless husband calls me "Mommy…" 😈

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

  " The Plumed Punisher" Theme Song
Sung to the tune of the Plum Punisher theme from
the AA Spirit of Justice game

 

It was no secret that Inga hated his marriage. Ga'ran had always been a bossy, manipulative woman who siphoned away happiness from anyone unfortunate enough to associate with her like some kind of demented leach. That's why the Minister of Justice couldn't stand the thought of being in the same room as her, let alone having her come in his private chambers.

However, despite Inga hating the idea of essentially letting the Bogeyman enter his bedroom, it was a necessary evil to ensure the future of "The Plumed Punisher".

["Inga, please explain to me why you were so insistent that I come to this pigsty that you call your private quarters."  Ga'ran impatiently commanded as she tapped her long fingernails against Inga's wooden desk, staring down at the Minister of Justice with a look of mild contempt in her eyes as he tried to pull up a file on his laptop.]

["Like I said earlier, I need to get your approval for something involving 'The Plumed Punisher'. Now if only the damn video would load so I could get this over with."  Inga growled, slamming his fist on his keyboard as he glared at the spinning loading circle.]

["Admit it, Inga. You're just using this as an excuse for us to have a little… alone time."  Ga'ran seductively purred into the Minister's ear as she ran her fingers through his hair.]

["Get off of me, spider hag!"  Inga snapped as he swatted his wife away. "Why after 27 years of trying to avoid you like the plague and crying myself to sleep after our nights of torture would I want to do anything like that with you?"]

["Well, I was just thinking that perhaps you've been feeling like less of a man since yesterday, what with how that foreign attorney not only got another acquittal, but also hurt your reputation by revealing your horrible Lady Kee'ra scheme to the public."  Ga'ran said in the kind of demeaning tone that a mother uses to comfort her child.]

["One, that lawyer just got lucky again. Two, I already covered my tracks regarding Operation Avian Princess- which, for your information, was a brilliant plan. See, I ran an 'investigation' that revealed Neh'mu to be a loose cannon cop who didn't play by the rules, thereby effectively distancing him from the rest of the secret police. And three, how could that lawyer guy make me feel like less of a man when you've been fulfilling that role just fine on your own for what feels like eternity?"]

["True, but if that's the case, then once again, why am I here? Ever since we established the show's premise, I haven't felt the need to change anything about it. In fact, I'm a bit proud of that little show since it's one of the few things you've done over the course of our marriage that hasn't filled me with disappointment, which is more than I can say about your work in the bedroom."  Ga'ran sneered.]

["Since this damn video isn't loading, I might as well tell you now. After that lawyer revealed how… similar the 'The Plumed Punisher' theme song and the one for that American show, 'Iron Ninja', or whatever it's called, are, I've decided to modify ours in case news of this reaches the States and they come after us with their Hollywood lawyers. Sure, we've got your nephew, but even he's no match for those sleazy ambulance chasers. Hell, a couple of weeks ago, Nahyuta lost a case in the States to some loud, horn-haired child. That's why I'm not taking any chances and- Thank the Holy Mother, it's finally up!" Inga cheered as the video for his new and improved 'Plumed Punisher' theme song started.]


 When Dhurke's attacking,

She'll always help.

Plumed Punisher!

With her strength,

She makes the rebels yelp.

Plumed Punisher!


 When Dhurke's evil threatens the land,

The Holy Mother guides her hand,

Because she's the hero that Khura'in needs.


 Plumed Punisher, strike!


 With Lady Kee'ra's strength,

She can't lose.

Plumed Punisher!

She'll never let us fall to Dhurke's views.

Plumed Punisher!


 Minister Inga's her best friend,

Helps him fight crime until the very end,

Loves him for his bright mind and rock-hard abs.


 Plumed Punisher, strike!


 She! Jumps! And! Kicks! Butt!

Plumed Punisher!


 ["So, what do you think? Pretty good, eh?"  Inga smirked, chomping down on his cigar stamp as he tilted his head towards Ga'ran, who looked like she couldn't be any more displeased.]

["Inga, that was the most pathetic thing I have ever had the displeasure of seeing, and I've seen you in the bedroom."  Ga'ran growled.]

["What do you know about taste, you overgrown spider? Have you ever looked in the mirror? " Inga scoffed.]

["While I may not be an expert when it comes to the superhero genre, I know when you're lying like a defense attorney about your appearance. You having rock-hard abs…?" Ga'ran tittered as she covered her mouth. "Your abs make the Pillsbury Doughboy's look like a boulder by comparison!"]

["C'mon, if you aren't gonna let me have any happiness in our marriage, then at least let me have some kind of joy when making my show!"  Inga snarled.]

["Look, Inga, I've been tolerant of your work with 'The Plumed Punisher' so far, but that new theme song is where I draw the line. I forbid you from changing the current one to that self-pandering cacophony!"  Ga'ran proclaimed.]

["In that case, I'm taking that Ga'ran Kids bit you filmed outta that episode we're airing in two weeks."  Inga retorted.]

["Don't be ridiculous, Inga!"  The Queen snapped. "The Ga'ran Kids PSA is not only informative, but a work of art."]

["Work of art, my ass! It's just a bunch of creepy kids singing some creepy song that you wrote! It's disturbing, see!"  The Minister of Justice roared.]

["Well, if you take my song out of the episode, then I'll have you executed for treason."]

["Ha! You think I'm scared of death?"  Inga sneered. "It would beat me having to look at your ugly face every day. I swear, sometimes I wish I was married to Medusa- at least she'd know how to make a man hard."]

["Is that a request, Inga…?"  Ga'ran purred, a sultry grin spreading across her face as she put her hand on her husband's shoulder.]

Knowing what kinds of horrors were about to unfold after years of marriage, Inga wasted no time in jumping out of his seat and making a beeline dash for the room's exit. However, right when the Minister of Justice put his hand on the doorknob, Ga'ran tackled him to the ground before dragging him back to his bed as he screamed like a little girl.

 

Notes:

JP: p.s. For anyone interested in seeing the "continuation" of things with wannabe gangster and Her Malevolence at the end of this chapter, (warning not for the faint-hearted!) then check out my hilarious partner's FF on more royal couple from hell shenanigans in "The Imperial Daddy" which chronicles Inga's adventures in fatherhood. Chapter 7 nearly made me laugh myself into a seizure! XD

Chapter 77: Papa You Floored Me

Notes:

JP: Let's face it, most of the father's in AA leave much to be desired, but to me, Manny sucks more than most, and it's not just because he's Nosferatu! Ergo, I thought even though she showed only anger towards Phoenix after he got Manfred sent to death row, Franziska secretly must have been devastated when she found out the truth about her not so perfect genius father. I figure this was her true reaction, in private, to the news her Papa was nothing more than a lying murderer. This would have taken place right after the events of Turnabout Goodbyes – and before Miles Edgeworth chose death, which, depending on the version of the 1st game you played, didn't happen until after Rise From The Ashes. For my fave funny girl and friend, StupidGenious, as the Parental/Daddy Issues theme from June continues!

CT: No matter how intimidating Franziska tries to appear with her whip and constant use of the word "fool", on the inside, she's just a scared little girl who so desperately wants her father's approval. So, after it was revealed that Manfred killed Gregory, in addition to him being loose lipped about his PIN number, it's safe to say that Franziska was devastated. So with that in mind, I believe that my wonderful cowriter has done an amazing job depicting just how emotionally distraught our favorite whip-wielding perfectionist tsundere prosecutor probably was when she learned the news that not only her father had lost a case and his perfect record, but also was arrested for murder.

Chapter Text

 

"Papa You Floored Me"
Sung to the tune of "Mama Who Bore Me"
from the Broadway show Spring Awakening

 

 

Franziska von Karma's mind was laid waste by the earth-shattering news.

"I'm sorry, Franziska. I don't know what else to say…"

"Curse you, Miles Edgeworth!" She gripped the phone receiver so tightly, she could feel the seams of her leather gloves threatening to split open, just as much as her heart had been a minute ago when her foster brother had called her with the news about Manfred's fate at the hands of der Scheißkerl defense attorney! "I suppose this is your idea of thinking justice has finally been served! I bet you and that foolish Schwein, Phoenix Wright, are gleefully celebrating my Papa's downfall together!"

"Franziska, I can understand how this news is devastating but you couldn't be further from the truth." Miles sounded more tired than triumphant. "I couldn't possibly have wanted any of this! You should know me well enough to know I've never been the bloodthirsty nor vengeful sort. I was as utterly blindsided by all of this as you were! Please believe that I had nothing but great respect for Manfred as my mentor…"

"He was your mentor, but he was – is! – my father!" She shouted, cutting him off abruptly. "My flesh and blood! There's no way any of this could possibly be true!"

She angrily brushed away the tears of rage beginning to trickle down her cheeks.

"Papa was a genius! A legal legend who remained undefeated for 40 years! There is no way such an esteemed man of his office would stoop to such atrocious acts like forgery or murder!"

"I know you must be in shock right now," Miles said wearily. "But as a man who has made it his newfound mission to uncover the truth, regardless of the costs, I can tell you, Big Sister, that denying the truth will only make things more difficult for you in the long run…"

She couldn't hear another word. The news passed through her like a hurricane. Everything she and worked and struggled for now lay in ruins. But she'd be damned if she let her fool of a Little Brother be even an ear witness to her falling apart!

"Fahr zur Hölle, Miles Edgeworth!" Her throat aching from unshed tears, the tempestuous German prosecutor slammed down the phone as hard as she could before dissolving into a watery mass onto her bed, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

Papa, how could you? You couldn't possibly have reared an innocent child in your own image just to spite his father, whose life you took away by your own murderous hand! How could you do such a horrendous, evil thing? How am I supposed to defend you and uphold any pride in the Von Karma name now, when deep in my heart, I know that fool Miles Edgeworth has never been one to lie about anything? How can I do anything but admit to myself that as gut wrenching as it is,  deep down , I know all this is somehow actually true…?

The desolation she felt was all consuming. Her mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in her soul and wrapped icy tentacles around her heart so tightly, it almost stopped beating.


 [Franziska]

Papa you floored me
Papa you shamed me
Our famed von Karma name
The stigma's now so bad


 Blood crimes and cheating
My Papa's the Devil
No hope for heaven
Just Abaddon


 Someday I hope and pray, I can stop this bawlin'
Transcend your disgrace, and cast off your shadows
I won't just sit still here, sighing, lamenting all your mayhem
My day will come, and then the world will know
(My strength will show!)


 Papa you floored me
Papa you shamed me
Our famed von Karma name
The stigma's now so bad


 Blood crimes and cheating
My Papa's the Devil
No hope for heaven,
Just Abaddon


 How am I ever going to survive this dishonor, which shall now forever plague our prideful family name? How will I ever hold my head high again?

She felt emotionally bankrupt. The was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped her mind in swirling blackness.

Was this all life would have in store for her, hence?

No! She would not cower and be weak, or continue to wallow in self-pity! Such were the actions of weak, pathetic plebeian fools, and Franziska von Karma, above all else, prided herself to never being anything of the sort!

Yes, I am a von Karma, but that also means I am strong. I will survive this. I will create my own legacy, separate from Papa's, that will leave behind these bloodstains behind me. And somehow, someday, I will make my own name for myself.

She steeled her jaw and clenched her fists.

And so help me Gott, I will transcend…

 

Chapter 78: As We Want

Notes:

CT: This massive labor of love was brought to you by JusticeforNoOne. I know that this one is a bit on the long side, but I just couldn't resist writing a parody dedicated to Kristoph x Dahlia, one of the most beautifully evil crack ships ever conceived, after all the Klema and Miego parodies that have been featured here. However, in order to make that ship work with the parody, I had to utilize a few OCs in the form of Kristoph's parents and Dahlia's father, and all three of them had to be properly introduced as characters in order for this parody to be fully enjoyable. Though for those of you who have read my works, particularly "The von Karma Family Beach Trip" and "Debeste of Friends", you're already familiar with the character that I created to be Kristoph's mother and probably have a good idea of what her views on the situation are and what she wants out of it.

JP: With parents like these as role models, did Dolly and Prissy have any hope in hell of being normal?! My own headcanon entailing Demoness Hawthorne's Daddykins having the first name Nathaniel notwithstanding, I am on board with Bitchtoff's mumsy portrayal. Much like his uproarious take of Inga getting unceremoniously plum punished on his birthday courtesy of Ga'ran, the character of Bitchtoff's smother – er, mother! – Kharmen Gavin is such a hoot that I've accepted her into my personal headcanon as being canon! I hope you guys enjoy this entry of hellacious mommies and daddies as our daddy/parental issues theme continues! 😝

Chapter Text

"As We Want"
Sung to the tune of
"According to Plan" from
The Corpse Bride

Being 20 can be quite the challenging time in life- a time for establishing your identity while also dealing with the hurdle of deciding what career path you'll venture down. Though for Kristoph Gavin, his difficulties are in a whole different ball park. For not only have his professors been slamming him with assignments left and right- as well as his social life being less than stellar, to say the least- but right now, he's sitting in the back of his father's Buick, grumbling to himself as he's being driven up into the mountains to some village in the middle of nowhere so that his parents can force him to marry some girl against his free will.

But while Kristoph is staring forward and glowering at the road ahead, his parents seated at the front of the vehicle look absolutely elated- particularly his mother who's smiling like the Cheshire Cat on Prozac. When people see Kharmen and Kristoph together, they can easily see the family resemblance given that they are around the same height, have similar builds, have long blond hair, and are nearsighted. However, contrary to her son, Kharmen is shorter, with a slenderer frame, a slightly rounder face, round pink-rimmed glasses, and her wavy blonde locks flow down her shoulders, contrasting to her son's orderly, drill-shaped style. And in terms of fashion, while Mama Gavin may usually favour more casual options- a blouse, blue jeans, etc.- on this important day, she's looking much more formal in her mint-green evening gown and matching pumps.

And seated next to Kristoph's mother in the driver's seat is his father, who may not look as happy as his wife, but has a smirk of excitement and pride on his face. As for Mr. Gavin's appearance, to make a long story short, he's a more masculine version of Kristoph- taller, more muscular, a squarer jaw, and his blond hair shaved down to a buzz cut. Though he does share some traits with his son, specifically preference for the same kind of glasses and favouring to wear dress clothes no matter the occasion. However, unlike Kristoph who prefers a more aristocratic look, Mr. Gavin prefers a much simpler and more practical blue dress shirt and brown khakis.


"So Khrissy, are you excited for today?" Mama Gavin squeals.

"Yes, Mother, and perhaps later, you can break my kneecaps with a hammer,"  Kristoph replies in a tone oozing with sarcasm.

"Don't you talk to your mother with that tone, boy!" Mr. Gavin coldly snaps"You should be elated about today."

"Yes, Father, because every young man dreams of getting married to some girl he's never met without a moment's notice,"  Kristoph wryly retorts with a roll of his eyes.

"Do you know how many men would kill to be in your shoes right now? You're going to be marrying into the Fey family and will be rubbing elbows with political giants like Abe Atishon."

"So that's why you've arranged this marriage? So, you can further your harebrained plan to become governor?"  Kristoph growls, his left eye starting to twitch.

"It's not a harebrained scheme, Kristoph,"  Mr. Gavin coolly states with the tiniest hint of rage in his voice.

"If it's not, then why have you've lost election after election for the past five years?"  The younger Gavin male counters with a warm grin.

"The guys at the country club say that my plans and ideas have potential. I just need more political connections to spread my message to more people."

"Oh please! The guys at your ragtag little country club would say that an inebriated circus chimp throwing its own feces has potential if it paid five grand a month to be a part of an establishment with rude service, atrocious food, and a valet that reeks of cheap cologne who steals all of the loose change in your glovebox,"  Kristoph retorts with pure venom in his voice.

"You leave the country club out of this!"  Mr. Gavin roars at the top of his lungs, pounding his right fist as hard as he can on the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.

"Koen, Koen! Please calm down! Remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure!"  Momma Gavin pleads as she strokes her husband's arm.

"I am calm, Kharmen."  Koen snarls through clenched teeth . "But I'm not going to stand around while our son blatantly disrespects me and Willow Oaks despite everything I'm doing for him. Why, if I can become governor thanks to the Fey's influence, I'll be able to make more money than ever before and can pass on the Gavin Law Offices to Kristoph, thus securing his future."

"We know, Koen, we know…"  Kharmen soothingly states.  "But you have to understand that this is a stressful time for Kristoph. He's worried that he won't be able to make me grandbabies."

"You couldn't be more wrong, Mother."  Kristoph sighs in contempt as he pushes up his glasses.

"Don't be so coy, Khrissy!"  Kharmen giggles with a dismissive wave of her hand.  "Tell you what, if it'll make you feel better, your father and I'll sing you a musical number just like Shirley Temple would in one of those movies you love. Right, Koen?"

"If it means today will go by more smoothly… " Koen sighs with resignation.


{Kharmen}

It's the greatest day!


{Koen}

Yes, a very good day.


{Kharmen}

The day of my baby's wedding!


{Koen}

It's the rehearsal, Kharmen,

Don't go crazy again.


{Kharmen}

The rehearsal for my baby's wedding!


{Koen}

As long as nothing goes wrong to ruin the day.


{Kharmen}

And if something does, I'll make them all pay!


{Kharmen and Koen}

That's why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…


{Kharmen}

As we want.


{Koen}

My son won't disappoint,


{Kharmen}

As we want.


{Koen}

And this marriage I can exploit,


{Kharmen and Koen}

Gaining a foothold in politics,


{Kharmen}

Outlawing brats that tease,


{Koen}

Exempt from parking fees,


{Kharmen}

Hurting people who fill me with anger,


{Koen}

Which you can do once I'm governor.


{Kharmen and Koen}

We'll be grand, in a new chapter,

Shaking hands with all who matter.

We'll rise with pride,

And we'll never, ever stagger.


Meanwhile in Fey Manor, Morgan is standing by a window, staring out towards the road leading into town with a forlorn look on her face, quietly sipping tea from her cup, as her ex-husband - a man who towers over her in height, possessing smooth, porcelain-like skin, soft long, curly brown hair, and blue eyes with an angelic look to them- approaches her with a walk that exudes refinement and dignity, two aspects of his personality that are extenuated by the white suit that he's wearing.


"In case you actually wish to be involved in some aspect of your daughter's life, Dahlia is currently being fitted for her wedding attire by several of the young acolytes under your guidance,"  Mr. Hawthorne replies in a passive-aggressive manner with a warm smile on his face.

"Thank you, Oleander…"  Morgan sullenly sighs, not even bothering to look at her ex-husband.

"Is something wrong, Morgan?"


{Morgan}

It's the worst day!


{Oleander}

And you wonder why I didn't stay…


{Morgan}

The day of my daughter's wedding!


{Oleander}

Quite the pitiable state you live in, Morgan.


{Morgan}

That's led to my daughter's wedding!


{Oleander}

All my hard work's shattered into pieces…


{Morgan and Oleander}

Our daughter's marrying into a family of leeches.


{Morgan}

They lack grace.


{Oleander}

They're terse.


{Morgan}

Things couldn't be worse!


{Oleander}

You think that? You couldn't be more wrong, Madame Fey.

A scandal could cause their family's reputation to wither away,

Existing as a hollow shell of its former self without any future,

Just like the Fey family today.


{Morgan}

Why me…?


{Morgan and Oleander}

That's why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…


{Morgan}

As we want.


{Oleander}

My daughter won't disappoint,


{Morgan}

As we want.


{Oleander}

Good from my viewpoint,


{Morgan and Oleander}

As we achieve the repute of bygone years,


{Morgan}

When the Fey family,


{Oleander}

Was envied by our peers.


{Morgan and Oleander}

And whoever on Earth could have thought,

That Dahlia's face of an angel,


{Oleander}

And soul of a devil,


{Morgan and Oleander}

Would help us ascend to our proper level?


"So Kristoph, are you more receptive to the idea of marriage?"  Koen calmly asks.

"But what if I don't like this girl?"  The younger Gavin male replies, prompting his father to burst into laughter.

"As if something like that has to do with marriage?"  Koen scoffs, earning a death glare from his wife.

"But you had two children with Mother. You have to like her at least a little, right?" Kristoph reasons.

"Of course not!" Koen proclaims while Kharmen yells, "Of course!"

"You see, son, being married is like a lawyer and his client- sometimes you get a say, but in the end, they're the ones making all of the decisions. I would have thought that seeing my marriage…" Mr. Gavin states before transitioning back into song.


{Koen}

Would have given you a vision.

Would have given you a vision.


{Kharmen}

Do not fail my hopes!


{Koen}

Do not fail our hopes!


{Kharmen}

Do not fail my hopes!


{Kharmen and Koen}

Do not fail our hopes, hopes,


At that moment, the Gavin family arrives at Fey Manor, prompting them to exit the vehicle and walk over to the front entrance while Kharmen tries to straighten her son's suit coat. Meanwhile, Dahlia, who is wearing a white kimono, is escorted into the main parlor to be with her parents.


{Kharmen, Koen, Morgan, and Oleander}

That's why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…

As we waaaaaant!

Chapter 79: He's Here With You

Notes:

JP: I picture this song being sung to a grieving 9-year-old Miles after Gregory’s funeral, by Raymond Shields aka Uncle Ray, in attempts to comfort the poor little guy to offer him some comfort…before the bereaved moppet was whisked away by the evil Nosferatu! 🤬😈😱
On a personal note, I had the joy of seeing this song-fic’s predecessor movie, aka my all-time favourite animated movie, The Lion King, recently as both a Broadway and live-action version! The latter – beautiful visuals, but meh VA – Beyoncé over sang and the songs lacked the 1994 version’s magic. LIKED it…did not LOVE it.  The stage production… was breathtaking and glorious and this song, “He Lives In You” was so beautiful I literally cried. 💖
 Since a lot of the lyrics are not in English, I had to be creative with the replacement words/syllables, so I tried to do it justice as best I could! I hope you enjoy your request, Moonlessnight125. 😊
The last of the parental/daddy issues theme has been brought to you NOW!

CT: Just like with "Objections" before it, JP does an amazing job capturing the close bond that Edgeworth and Gregory shared. For even though the latter's no longer among the living, his legacy is still alive and well within his son, both in terms of his desire to fight for the truth and his nearsightedness. And while Edgeworth may have strayed from Gregory's ways for 15 years, I'm sure that he's looking down on Edgeworth with a smile on his face while cracking a few dad jokes with Dhurke.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

“He’s Here With You
Sung to the tune of
“He Lives In You”
Lebo M. Version
From Disney’s The Lion King 2


Sitting here, I am surrounded by flowers, blossoming with the benevolence you shared throughout your life. A reminder of the love you brought to so many. Each petal symbolizes your kindness and remarkable charm. Each stamen is packed with the pollen of your style and wisdom.

The grieving boy was trying to keep his composure. Surely there were already enough tears already being shed by the fellow mourners at this funeral to float Noah's Ark ... he didn't need to fall apart, too.

Deep breaths, Miles. You can make it through this...

The shattered child sat rigidly in his seat, unable to reciprocate the unfamiliar but not unwelcome feel of Raymond Shields’ consoling arm around his shoulder the whole time. On his other side, Detective Tyrell Badd discreetly wiped a stray tear onto his sleeve and rested the other burly arm around the back of the boy’s chair, trying to maintain the stern dignity of his office but unable to suppress his emotions any better than the late lawyer’s subordinate.

Miles kept it together until they passed a picture of Gregory to everyone and that's when all the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave. His father’s face seemed so alive and happy and he couldn't help but wonder what he looked like under that closed wooden box. He stared blankly at it, hoping in vain that a miracle would happen and he would rise again and come back to the world, come back to him.

But nothing happened.

Gregory Edgeworth was gone.

I don't know if there's a heaven or not, but if there is, that means that Father is with Mother again, so hopefully, that means he’s happy…

When the tears came, hot and endless, Miles knew they were for himself too, for the child that would now be forced to become an adult overnight; for the pain entering his world without the decency to knock first.

He pulled out his handkerchief from his pocket and mopped his face so he wouldn’t be a total mess. Somehow, he managed to make it through the service without making a complete scene, but as soon as it was over, he was overwhelmed with his grief and rushed to the empty men’s room, where he leaned against the sink and sobbed as though his heart was breaking.

I never experienced grief this bad before. It all started when I lost my Mother. It sneaked up on me quietly and took me under its arms in an instant. But I was only five at the time, almost too young to remember her, so it still didn’t feel as bad as this.

The awful hollowness, the waves of wretchedness threatened to engulf his mind, body, and soul as the salty tears flowed unchecked from his eyes, down his round cheeks.

This is so much worse because since we lost Mother, all I had was Father. It was just the two of us, and it was good. He loved me, and I loved him. I am lost because I lost an even bigger part of me. My world and my hero. I was going to grow up and be just like him! Now, every memory plays like a song in my head, repeating itself for what seems like forever.  I can’t get that part back and I want it so bad as my life depended on it but it is all gone, vanished in thin air…

“Oh, Father!” He sobbed. “Father, why did you leave me?!”

“Miles?” A soft voice came from behind him.

It was Raymond. The boy hadn’t even noticed Gregory’s assistant’s presence – he’d been too lost in his own misery.

“I’m so sorry, Miles,” The young man lamented, squatting down so the boy could see the lachrymose dark eyes. “This is such a terrible loss. I didn’t know your old man as long as you did, although it was long enough to know he was a great man. But as much as I adored him, he was your father, and there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better. However, just know while it’s OK to be sad, also try to remember that if you keep Gregory in your heart, he’ll still be alive inside you. He lives in you. And even though you may feel like he’s gone, as long as you keep his memory alive, he’s here with you…”


 In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


Fight! In these moments of strife.
World crashing
All around you
(Yes, it’s hard)
All around you


 So much grief, and you’re only a child
Sorrow
All around you
(Yes, it’s hard)
All around you


 Everywhere that you go
Every step he’ll guide you


 Weight of your sorrow is great
(All around you)
Boy stay strong, and keep faith
(All around you)
(All around you)
 Keep faith


 It’s hard,
(All around you)
It’s hard,
(All around you)
 It’s hard,
(All around you)
 It’s hard,
(All around you)


He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s here with you


 In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s here with you


 He’s here with you


 The weight of your sorrow is great
Boy stay strong, and keep faith
(All around you)
 Keep faith


He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s with you


 He’s here with you, in memories
From heaven he’ll cheer your victories
He’ll guide your pathway to the courtroom
With each objection; he’s with you


 In the name of, in the name of father
In the name of, in the name of father


 He’s here with you


In the name of, in the name of father
He’s here with you
In the name of, in the name of father


"I can't say when it will get better, but it will get easier," Raymond promised, his arms wrapped around the weeping child in a consoling hug. "I went through this myself when I lost my own mom. I was around your age. At first, I thought grief was something bad that takes you six feet under, but I've since been learning that it's just the price we have to pay for loving someone."

Feeling slightly comforted by both the song and the commiseration, Miles closed his streaming eyes and briefly rested his head on the man's shoulder. While he returned the hug, his heart sent a silent message to his father that he now instinctively felt Gregory could hear.

Everything in life is recycled, or so that is what I see with these eyes. The atoms of one thing become those of another. The energy from one place becomes energy in another. So, while I have no idea where you are now, Father, or what God asked you to become next, I'm looking forward to the day when I can be with you again and I feel your love so strongly in the ether.  Whether we call it reincarnation or recycling, I'm okay with whatever. You are still somewhere, out there, up there, watching over me, and that's what matters to me. And as long as I carry you in my heart, you are not gone - just out of reach for now. I love you, Father. Forever and always…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

bit.ly/2MheyLm
“He Lives in You” w/Lyrics
Uploaded by: Lucy Disney

Chapter 80: Traitors

Notes:

CT: To all the readers who requested "Savages", to quote the original song, "This will be the day." This parody was so much fun to write, not only because the song's got a lot of energy to it, but because it gave me a chance to include Inga and all of his marital problems. With how one-sided Inga and Ga'ran's marriage was, I wouldn't put it past him to do something like this just to avoid the wrath of his black widow. And for those of you wondering, this parody takes place in an alternate universe where Inga and Ga'ran decide to take out their anger regarding Phoenix acquitting Maya by slaughtering each and every last rebel.

JP: Kudos to my co-pilot as in this case, he's taken one of the most racist songs in Disney history from one of my least fave movies… and made it even better than the original with his trademark punny wit – no small feat, considering there was nothing amusing about plight of those Defiant Dragons! This one's for Morally Draconequus and JusticeForNoONe.
New month – new theme! Let's call it Edgy August – not because they're a certain Prosecutie Centered but because even this lone Disney entry has a bit of edginess to it – look out for an eclectic mix coming your way this last (for me, anyway !) glorious month of summer!

Chapter Text

 

"Traitors"
Sung to the tune of "Savages" from
Disney's 
Pocahontas

 

Part 1

Inside the Khura'inese throne room, Ga'ran stands on the raised portion of the room in front of her golden throne, towering over each and every member of the secret police standing at attention in neat, orderly columns. And while the secret police are awaiting their queen's orders with the greatest respect, Inga, who's standing by his wife's side, is rolling his eyes and shifting his body back and forth, wanting nothing more than to run away from his wife- an attitude which has not gone unnoticed by the spider queen, earning him a subtle, yet painful, slap behind the head.

"I know that asking you to act refined is like asking you to know how to pleasure a woman, but try to look like a respectable man in front of the secret police ." Ga'ran growls in whispers into her husband's ear.  "It makes me look bad!"

"Trust me, that ship's long since left the harbor." Inga whispers back with a sneer on his face. "Why do you think they're so loyal to me? I tell them everything you do to me and threaten them that they'll suffer the same fate if they screw up, see?"

"Yes, but little do those officers realize that they'd all be an improvement over the disappointing two minutes I get on Mr. Inga's Not-So Wild Ride."

"Like you're one to talk? Doing it with you is like riding the Haunted Mansion- cold and scary. Hell, I train new officers by showing them an internet video of the Haunted Mansion ride to show them the extents I go to serve this country."

"Well, if you fail to rile up those officers into mounting a full-scale attack on Dhurke's base of operations, you can expect a visit from the Haunted Mansion tonight."  Ga'ran whispers with a sinister purr, pushing Inga forward by slapping his rear with a sultry grin.

"Members of the Secret Police, lend me your ear!"  The Minister of Justice proclaims, earning the attentive stares of his subordinates.  "As you know, these past couple of weeks have been a dark time in our nation's history. For over two decades, the DC Act has protected Khura'in and her people against the debauchery, the duplicity, and the dastardly tricks employed by defense attorneys. But recently a defense attorney from the west has rolled into our nation and, like a dark cloud that blocks out the sun, stole warmth and happiness from our fellow citizens' lives, replacing them with the coldness of fear and doubt after he defied the Princess' Divination Séance and lied his way to victory not once, but twice. And if it wasn't bad enough that he made you- Khura'in's bravest and most devoted of citizens- look like mindless mooks by acquitting those you've arrested using only the finest logic and investigation techniques, but he had the gall to drag Rheel Neh'mu's name through the mud by depicting him as a villain and a thug! That vile snake of an attorney keeps preaching on about justice, but did he show any justice to Neh'mu?!"

"NO!"  The officers yell in unison at the top of their lungs, some holding a fist up in anger.

"You're damn right he didn't! Neh'mu was a good man, a loyal man who bled purple and emerald-green just like you, me, and every other upstanding Khura'inese citizen! Who'd work in the latest hours of night and into the wee hours of morning when everyone else was asleep? Neh'mu! Who helped to reduce police casualties by 20% by taking care of the more violent Defiant Dragons? Neh'mu! Who, on first day on the job came in to the Ministry of Justice with several boxes of magatah'men and a nice note wishing everyone a nice day? Neh'mu! And this same man died as honorable as he lived- trying to take out a rebel that invaded the clergy! So are you boys ready to roll up your sleeves and give those Defiant Dragons what for!?"

Inga pauses for a moment as the room fills with the excited and angry clamoring of the many police officers.

"Good to hear. Because we just got word from one of our boys on the inside that Dhurke's been getting bold as of lately and decided to attack the city and assassinate Her Eminence in the process!"  The minister snarls, glowering at the crowd as he squeezes the life out of his cigar stamp.  "But thankfully, Dhurke's overconfidence has gotten the best of him since he told all of his fellow rebel scum- including our spy- at their main base in the mountains. So early tomorrow morning, we're gonna go out there and beat Dhurke to the punch with a little attack of our own!"

Seeing that the officers are clearly riled up, Inga decides to fan the flames of rage with a musical number.


{Inga}
But what did ya expect
From a scheming defense attorney?
This is what you get when you hesitate to strike 'em down!

At the Holy Mother's name they hiss,
Discord's their only bliss!
We must stop them to defend the Crown!


{Secret Police}
They're traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga}
Not good enough to lick my boot.


{Secret Police}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga}
Rid them from the nation's boarders!
They don't think like us,
Which mean that they're no good.
We follow the Holy Mother's orders!


{Secret Police}
They're traitors!
Traitors!
Damn dirty dragons!


{Inga and Secret Police}
We'll kill 'em for the Holy Mother!


Though little do Inga and Ga'ran know, one of the officers present is actually a spy for the Defiant Dragon, who's been sending the audio of Inga's speech and song back to Dhurke and the other rebels via a hidden transmitter on his lapel.


{Dhurke}
I knew this day was coming,
The police are on the warpath,
The only thing they feel is wrath.


{Datz}
Under that uniform,
There's no soul of any form.


{Other Rebels}
They're nothing but a pack of sociopaths.
They're traitors!
Traitors!


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
Not good enough to wash my armband.


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Dhurke}
Rid that spider queen from our borders!


{Datz}
They don't think like us,
Which means they hate justice.


{Dhurke}
We follow the Holy Mother's orders!


{Other Rebels}
They're traitors!
Traitors!
The royals are nutjobs,
So we'll rid 'em for the Holy Mother!


{Secret Police}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Ga'ran}
I want those heretics neutralized!


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga}
Fail and Ga'ran'll have me sodomized!


{Everyone}
Traitors!
Traitors!
Not good enough to rub my feet!
We'll defeat them for the Holy Motheeeer!


Part 2

The following morning, in the mountains outside of the city, Inga and his army of police officers and Dhurke and his army of rebels converge on the site of their final confrontation, a battle to end all battles. Meanwhile, Rayfa, who insisted that she wanted to support Inga and the secret police despite his protests regarding her safety for hours on end the previous night, is watching the conflict from atop the peak of a distant mountain with a pair of binoculars, accompanied by two policemen assigned to protect her.


{Inga}
We'll be victorious today.


"Don't any of you mooks wimp out while my little girl's watching !" Inga growls at his men before looking over at Rayfa with a warm smile and waving at her, to which she responds by energetically waving back.


{Dhurke}
This will be our moment of glory.


"Though try not to be too excessive while the Princess is watching."  Dhurke sullenly states with the slightest hint of guilt on his face before casting a quick glance up at Rayfa, who responds by glaring daggers at the rebel leader.


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
We'll water the grass with their tears.


{Rayfa}
There's not much I can do,
But to the Holy Mother I can pray.


{Inga and Secret Police}
For their crimes they must pay.


{Rayfa}
Holy Mother, keep my father's foes at bay.


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
The Ga'ran regime's purgatory.


{Rayfa}
Holy Mother, keep my father safe from harm.


{Dhurke and Other Rebels}
Their screams will be music to our ears.


{Rayfa}
Holy Mother, please use your sway…


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
It's either us or them.


{Rayfa}
Silence my father's enemies with your charm…


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
They're all a bunch of demented, twisted…


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!


{Secret Police}
Traitors!


{Other Rebels}
Tyrants!


{Secret Police}
Heretics!


{Inga}
Make 'em sleep with Ga'ran!


{Other Rebels}
Traitors!


{Secret Police}
Traitors!


{Inga and Secret Police}
Show 'em no mercy!


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
Crush their wicked ways until they're no more!


{Rayfa}
I've always followed the Holly Mother's orders.


{IngaSecret PoliceDhurkeand Other Rebels}
We follow the Holy Mother's orders!
Traitors!
Traitors!
We'll crush them for the Holy Mother!
Traitors!
Traitors!


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
This is what happens when you show mercy to one another,
So we follow the Holy Mother's…


{Rayfa}
Can this conflict be put to rest by the Holy Mother's…?


{Inga, Secret Police, Dhurke, and Other Rebels}
Orders!

 

Chapter 81: Señor Godot

Notes:

JP: This goes out to my good friend Godot – er, SeñorJava, aka loyal reader/FF writer, Mr_Coffee. It seems only fitting that the unforgettable man behind the mask would get to be the parody inspiration about a song that was apparently (EW! ) a warning about STD's and the consequences of too profligate with the panty-dropping…😱

But let's face it, the prosecutie with the most epically, sax-y mood music in the series has probably been responsible for creating some frothing desire in the female masses himself! 😈 😉

CT: After reading this parody for the first time, I couldn't help but picture Godot's smug face as he enjoys the sight of Phoenix drenched with burning coffee. Though now that I think about it, this would be a good theme song for Godot. Sure, few songs can top "The Fragrance of Dark-Colored Coffee", but JP's parody gets the job done pretty well. After all, one of Godot's main shticks was scalding Phoenix with his coffee, and the spiky-haired attorney didn't know where this mysterious new prosecutor came from.

Chapter Text

"Señor Godot "
Sung to the tune of
Rednex's "Cotton Eye Joe"
from the movie  The Negotiator


 

"Sweet tickling fartscuttles, Nick!" The concerned Maya exclaimed to the defence attorney as soon as the court had adjourned that day in the trial of Ron DeLite (a.k.a. Mask DeMasque). "Are you alright?! Do we need to get you to a hospital to make sure you don't have third-degree burns on your mug from that jerk-face's mug?!"

"I'm fine, Maya," Phoenix assured his anxious assistant, shoving away the ice-cold can of Coke his friend was frantically rubbing against his cheeks and chin. "If I can survive a fire extinguisher to the head and the extra salty noodle special at Eldoon's stand without expiring, a little bit of java sure isn't going to kill me!"

"Fine, Old Man, have it your way then. If you insist on being macho about needing any first aid treatment… No sense in wasting the best thing to come out of that vending machine since Swiss Rolls!" The spirit medium shrugged and snapped open the tab of the pop can, then frowned as though another thought had hit her. "Still…you should really at least go stick your face into a drinking fountain though! You're supposed to immediately apply cold water to a burn to keep it from blistering and getting worse!"

"I am not subjecting this face or this suit to any more beverages, hot or cold! I swear, I'm fine, Maya." The spiky-haired man grimaced at the discoloured handkerchief he'd shoved in his pocket to mop up the aftermath of the latest hot beverage assault by the acrimonious masked prosecutor. "This hanky… Probably not so much though. I think it's a goner. It will never be white again because no amount of bleach in the world is going to get out such dark coffee stains!"

"The nerve of that bag with which one douches!" Maya fumed, clenching her fists. "Why does he hate you so much, anyway?"

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"Did you make yo mama jokes or pour sugar in his gas tank?"

"What the – NO! I've never laid eyes on that man before in my life!"

"You wouldn't know it, evidenced by the animus oozing out of his pores when he's around you – because Godot certainly acts as if he knows you!"

"I wish I had a clue about whatever I've done, or what he thinks I've done!" Phoenix shrugged helplessly.

"Well if you never dissed him, or somehow ran over his goldfish…I'm more lost than last year's Easter egg about this hate-boner he's got for you!" The psychic tapped thoughtfully at her chin. "I mean, his last scalding words to you before leaving here today were: 'your defence was weaker than decaf, Trite! Run along and die now!' So, what's up his dick hole?!"

"I know as much about the mysterious Latino as you do," Phoenix sighed. "The man is not only a redoubtable opponent in court but an absolute enigma. I'd love to know even the basics about that man, like: where did he come from?"

"And after court…where did he go?" Maya wondered. "Where did you come from, Señor Godot?"


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Maya}

He chugs that java, he don't care if it's warm
And seems to hate you with a force that is strong
His words are weapons; wields his mug as his gun
Making you squirm is his idea of good fun


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{ Maya }

Revenge is on what he seems to be bent
His coffee metaphors don't ever get spent
He acts like someone who you really should know
Clueless of the masked man that is known as Godot


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


{Phoenix}

Scalded by this man I don't know
Like he knew me a long time ago
Why does he loathe the sight of me so?
What is your deal, Señor Godot?


"We may never find out his deal." Maya seemed chagrined but then eyed him dubiously. "You sure you don't owe him money or something?"

"Heck no!" He goggled at her in disbelief. "Jeez, what's the matter with you, Maya? Of course not!"

"Swear on a stack of bibles?" She eyed him skeptically. "No need to act proud with me – I've seen you drooling in your sleep! I can totally loan you some if need be, since I know you're always broke …"

"I never have any money because I'm always buying copious amounts of burgers for your countless stomachs!" He scowled at her. "Although as it turns out you've somehow got enough money to lend, I may just let you buy us both lunches for the next round or three…hundred!"

Chapter 82: Prosecutors and Attorneys

Notes:

CT: You know, considering how patronizing the prosecutors in the "Ace Attorney" series are, as well as how hasty the defense attorneys can be, I'm surprised that this kind of debate hasn't flared up once in a while to see which side of the courtroom is better- defense attorneys or prosecutors. Sure, the defense attorneys may bluff like there's no tomorrow and press the witnesses on every statement, but in the end, they get the job done and have saved countless innocents throughout the course of the series. However, despite that, you can't deny all badassery- nearly every bit of dialogue with Edgeworth during a trial comes to mind- and/or emotionally touching moments- Simon and Sebastian's character arcs- that the prosecutors have provided. Though considering that four of the villains in the series are prosecutors and only three are defense attorneys (I don't count Godot as either on account of him technically being both.), I think it's safe to say that the defense attorneys have the moral high ground as a whole.

JT: I recognized this song as it was parodied hilariously on The Simpsons but didn't know the source at the time. Being the 5-year-old that I am, the part that stood out the most in my mind was this exchange! XD

Bart: Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!
Nelson: Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!

Ahem, anywhore… this last entry for Edgy August was on par with that parodied humour from the golden gem comedy. Also, great minds think alike… CT and I are share similar thought that Franny may be a perfectionist in the courtroom, and possibly kinky in the bedroom, but her perfection stops in the kitchen. Ima blame a lifetime of white privilege – er, having servants who did all the cooking at the Von Karma manor all her life!

Which side are YOU on? Let us know who made the better musical debate!

Chapter Text

 


" Prosecutors/Attorneys"
Sung to the tune of "Kids"
from the movie, 
Bye-Bye Birdie


 

It was Athena's first Thanksgiving with the Anything Agency and she couldn't have been more overjoyed. For one thing, it was her first Thanksgiving in eight years on account of the fact that she had been living with her family in Europe. But even when she did celebrate Thanksgiving at the Space Center, it looked a bit depressing when compared to this evening.

Instead of sitting in the dimly lit Cosmos Space Center cafeteria, Athena was seated at the mahogany table in the dining area of Edgeworth's large, elegant apartment with the Chief Prosecutor, who was at one head of the table and chatting to a man seated to his left that had a goatee and was wearing a fedora. Apparently, the man's name was Raymond Shield's, a defense attorney who had actually worked with Gregory Edgeworth, the Chief Prosecutor's father- a fact that the yellow-cladded attorney learned when 'ol' Uncle Ray' introduced himself and insisted that he give her a hug. Thankfully, that endeavour quickly came to an end when Simon threatened to gut the hug-happy attorney like a fish before breaking out of his handcuffs, much to the terror of the police officers who were tasked with watching over him. Though fortunately, the officers were able to quickly slap a new stronger pair of handcuffs on the Twisted Samurai's wrists after subduing him with a jolt of electricity from the ankle brace that he was required to wear by the police.

Because of that little incident, coupled with the fact that he legitimately wanted to be near the girl that he viewed as a little sister, Simon made it a point to sit right next to Athena on her right side in order to act as a barrier between her and 'Uncle Ray'. However, based on how the Twisted Samurai was glaring at the goofy-looking prosecutor sitting across from him, it would appear that he had other objectives on his mind- objectives that could be added to his criminal record. Though based on how the other prosecutor, whose name was Sebastian Debeste, kept on rambling on and on about how Cory in the House and Seinfeld were two of the greatest animes ever created, despite both shows clearly being live-action, Athena couldn't really blame Simon for acting the way he was. Heck, the yellow-cladded attorney was half-tempted to thump the irritating prosecutor herself, but restrained herself due to the fact that the man was suffering enough at the hands of the silver-haired woman sitting to his left, Prosecutor Franziska von Karma, who made it a point to tell him how foolish he was as she repeatedly lashed him with her whip- actions which constantly earned her disapproving scowls from her 'little' brother who sat to her left.

However, things weren't all negative. After all, Athena was lucky enough to be seated across from the beautiful Klavier Gavin, who made it a point to flash her his winning smile throughout the entire evening as he struck up small talk with her, asking her about her interests and life. Even now, Athena couldn't believe that Klavier was formerly a world-famous rock star. He just seemed so down-to-earth and kind, contrary to a lot of guys in similar positions who flaunt their wealth and act like the world is their footstool. Heck, Klavier was willing to hold a conversation- or at least attempted to- with Sebastian, who was sitting to his left. Though instead of trying to talk about television shows, Klavier tried to shift the conversation back to their days in the Themis prosecutor's course.

So then why was it that Apollo always acted like the ex-rock star was his arch-nemesis? Heck, even now, the horn-haired attorney, who was sitting to Klavier's right, was flashing the man his typical disheartened look. Maybe it was due to the fact that guys just couldn't truly appreciate Klavier's sensitive side. After all, Trucy, who was sitting Athena's left, was more than happy to see the ex-rock star and strike up a conversation with him about magic.

And finally, at the other head of the table was Phoenix, who was less concerned about the company and more concerned about the food on the table, which he stared at with an apprehensive look, only to stop when Edgeworth shot him a glare with the slightest hint of terror.

Though it wasn't like her boss was at fault. After all, even though Athena's previous Thanksgiving meals consisted of leftover turkey sandwiches and mashed potatoes from lunch earlier that day, even she knew that the food was not supposed to look like the items spread across the table which were more akin to alien creatures than cuisine, including, but not limited to: mashed potatoes that were light-grey in color and had numerous black and orange specks, bright yellow-green gazpacho that was actively bubbling, not unlike something you'd expect to find in a witch's cauldron, and a cranberry sauce that the psychology-loving attorney could have sworn was the blob due to its crimson-red coloration, how no spoon, knife, or fork could cut through it, and how the gelatinous mass would constantly try to ooze out of its bowl. If anything, when Sebastian reluctantly tried to scoop up a bit of it and put it on his plate at Franziska's insistence, the cranberry sauce actually consumed his spoon- something that the silver-haired prosecutor attributed to her 'perfect' sauce being so rich.

Though arguably, all of the previously mentioned items were downright delectable when compared to the turkey positioned at the center of the table, making it so that no one could possibly ignore such a grievous abomination. Instead of being a delectable golden brown, the turkey had a sickly greenish-tan appearance to it; and instead of having a smooth texture, the bird's skin was covered in a scaly skin that had thin hairs cropping out from it and was covered with boils that oozed a strange green puss. And if the appearance was ugly, then the smell was outright hideous. The best way one could describe it was as if the smell of sulphur and feces had a hot, sweaty night of passion, had a child, killed that child by drowning it in the odour of burning rubber and expired Limburger cheese, and then shoved it in a coffin with the smell of old people. But despite all that, the most disturbing thing about the turkey was that if someone somehow mustered up the courage to even so much as touch it with a knife, it would shake slightly and let out a low guttural growl.

So, suffice to say, Athena couldn't help but speak up regarding the matter.

"Hey, Trucy, about the fo-"

However, before Athena could finish her question, she was immediately shushed by Trucy, Phoenix, Apollo, and Klavier.

"Sorry." The yellow cladded attorney whispered. "I was just wondering why the food looks so horrible. You'd think that a guy like Mr. Edgeworth would put a bit more pride in what he's serving."

"Trust me, Athena, if Uncle Edgeworth didn't have to serve this junk, he wouldn't, but his hands are tied," Trucy replied back in a hushed tone.

"What do you mean?" Athena asked, cocking her head to the side out of confusion as she played with her earing.

"Remember how I told you that Franziska is a bit of a perfectionist?" Phoenix replied in the same low voice.

"A little?" Simon quietly retorted in a wry tone. "What next? Are you going to say that the sun is slightly warm?"

"Ja. Or that Herr Forehead's forehead is a little large than normal?" Klavier jokingly chimed in with a whisper, earning a stink-eye from his courtroom rival.

"Ok, a lot." Phoenix corrected himself. "Nevertheless, ever since Edgeworth started having Thanksgiving here back in 2019, Franziska has insisted on handling all of the food preparations. And while she may be a very skilled prosecutor, her cooking is, well…" The spiky-haired attorney gestured to the 'dishes'.

"In that case, why doesn't Mr. Edgeworth put his foot down and stop Ms. von Karma? After all, he is her brother, and this is a party that he's hosting in his home." Athena tried to reason.

"Athena, I know you're new here, but I'm pretty sure that you noticed that Ms. von Karma carries around a whip and isn't afraid to use it when she's angry," Apollo whispers, although with his volume, it was more akin to a slightly quieter version of a regular speaking voice. "Plus, Ms. von Karma takes her cooking very personally and will try to 'convince' you to give it a second chance if you have any negative comments about it."

"Ja, like when Herr Forehead voiced that Fräuline Whippet's mashed potatoes were, and I quote, 'the worst thing that he ever put in his mouth' last year, and Fräuline Whippet… Fräuline Whippet… Fraul…" Klavier snickered, punching his leg in an attempt to contain his laughter. "Fräuline Whippet whipped Herr Forehead to the brink to unconsciousness, leapt across the table, pinned him to the ground, and started forcing those mashed potatoes down his throat with a huge spoon while yelling about how 'only a foolishly foolish fool is incapable of appreciating my perfect food'!"

"Glad to know that you're able to find humour in the fact that I was forced to eat rancid mashed potatoes that ended up giving me Hepatitis A and tetanus before completely shutting down my immune system and confining me to a bubble for a month," Apollo grumbled with crossed arms.

"What are you foolish fools foolishly whispering about?!" Franziska snarled, tugging at her whip as she glared daggers at the other end of the table. "Are you insulting my perfect food!? Are we going to have a repeat of last year, Apollo Justice!?"

"N-No, Ms. von Karma, I could never insult your wonderful mashed potatoes after you showed me the light last year." Apollo nervously replied as he pushed down his horns and started rubbing his head. "Plus, I didn't start the conversation, Athena did." The horn-haired attorney gestured over to his coworker, who couldn't help but shoot him a dirty look before attempting to save herself.

"Sorry about that, Ms. von Karma, I was…" Athena paused with saucer-sized eyes, Widget glowing yellow with shock as she tried to come up with a reasonable excuse. "Asking Trucy about her plans when she goes off to college in a couple of years. So, Truce, what are you majoring in again?"

"Theater!" Trucy chirped, prompting Franziska to burst out laughing.

"And what's so funny about majoring in the theater?" Trucy snapped, her hands placed firmly on her hips as she flashed the silver-haired prosecutor a death glare.

"Nothing," Franziska replied, trying her best to stifle her laughter. "It's just that I find it so fitting that you're foolishly following in your foolish father's footsteps by throwing your life away."

"And just what's that supposed to mean, Franziska?" Phoenix growled, flashing the prodigy prosecutor the infamous cold stare that he had developed as a poker champ.

"You know exactly what I mean, Phoenix Wright. Being a defense attorney is the biggest waste of a legal education imaginable. I mean, why foolishly waste your time defending people who may be guilty when you can be out finding the true culprit?" Franziska smirked with a waggle of her finger.

"Because you prosecutors tend to arrest the wrong person and leave us defense attorneys to clean up your messes while you do everything in your power to make our lives a living hell." Phoenix snidely retorted.

"Well, excuse us for doing our jobs, Wright," Edgeworth stated with crossed arms. "You see, when the police apprehend a suspect, it's the job of a prosecutor to use all available evidence to ensure that a potentially dangerous criminal isn't let back loose on the streets. Granted, I will admit that we can be a bit… ruthless at times- some prosecutors more than others…" The maroon-cladded prosecutor cast a quick glance at his adopted sister. "But at least we stick to the facts, instead of badgering witnesses and throwing out baseless conjecture like a bunch of uncultured heathens."

"Wait, I'm confused. Wasn't your father a defense attorney, Mr. Edgeworth?" Athena asked, cocking her head to the side as she played with her earing.

"That's what the von Karmas do to you, Thena-pie," Ray responded with a serious look on his face. "They break your spirit over an extended period of time with isolation, harsh words, and weapons. That way, they can force you to abandon your values and make you want to wear pink suits."

"For the umpteenth time, my suit is maroon! MAROON! Would it kill people to treat my attire with the respect it deserves!?" Edgeworth snarled as he slammed his fist into the table.

"I respect your suit, Mr. Edgeworth!" Sebastian chimed in.

"Edgeworth-dono doesn't want your respect, Deworste. After all, who wants respect from a little git who can't differentiate live-action from anime or tie his shoes?" Simon wryly replied.

Seeing no better method to properly channel his anger, Edgeworth settled on expressing his rage in the form of a song.


{Edgeworth}

Attorneys,

What's wrong with your kind these days?


{Simon}

Oi,

I can never understand a word they say.


{Sebastian}

Yeah,

They're inculpable, inducible tools…


{Franziska}

Yelling, lazing, dirty bluffing fools!


{Sebastian}

They act like they're so dank!


{Phoenix}

Prosecutors,

We always try to work alongside you.


{Athena}

Yeah,

But you always give us the shoe!


{Ray }
* directs his gaze at Edgeworth*

Why can't you be like your dad,

Righteous in every way?

Oh right,

He died because of Manfred and Blaise!


{Sebastian}

Hey!

Not bringing up Pops was what we swore!


{Simon }
*Smirks at Phoenix

Yes,

They're no saints when they settle scores.


{Phoenix}

Prosecutors,

You're all such a big snooty, nitpicky bunch!

Sassers, whippers, hair-splitters, salary-deniers!


"Like you're any different?" Apollo snidely retorted with a disheartened look and crossed arms.


{Athena}

Prosecutors,

You don't appreciate the plights we bear!
(No matter the condition!)


{Franziska}

Ha,

Like what?

Scrounging around for bus fare?


{Apollo}

Mr. Gavin may have been psycho,

And a sociopath,

But Klavier's jokes are an endless wrath.


{Klavier}

Hey,

What can I say?

Your forehead's really big.

Plus,

You have a humorously grumpy way.


{Apollo}

Yeah, you and everyone else it seems…

What have I done to deserve this demeaning fate?

I try to keep calm, be kind to all, and be part of a team,

Yet they joke about my lack of dates.


{Klavier}

Ja,

And you also had my bro sent to jail!


{Phoenix}

Yeah,

Only 'cause you guys chose not to check his trail.


"Perhaps we would have been more inclined to help bring Kristoph to justice had you actually included us in your convoluted plan from the get-go." Edgeworth sternly replied with crossed arms.


{Sebastian}

Why are we stuck with these clowns?

Better to have Debeste!


 

"I'll admit that I may not be the most culp- er, capable guy out there. But at least with me, you know where I'm coming from." Sebastian stated with a confident, yet goofy grin and outstretched arms.

"Yes, and it's a place brimming with idiocrasy and irritation." Simon wryly retorted, turning his back to the naïve prosecutor.


{Ray}

Your old man loved you so much,

Yet you put that to the test.

What's the matter with prosecutors to-


"I tried, Gregory, I really did, but in the end, I failed, Miles." Ray sighed gloomily, closing his eyes as he removed his trademark fedora and put it to his chest as if in mourning.

"Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Shields. You didn't fail me." Edgeworth stated, putting a calm, yet firm hand to his father's successor's shoulder, only for it to be brushed away.

"Don't try to make me feel better, Miles. If only I had taken you in when your father was murdered instead of the vampire prosecutor who killed him… Sure, as an 18-year-old man, I wouldn't have been able to give you the lavish lifestyle you received with von Karma, but you would have been raised in a loving environment by someone who wouldn't try to brainwash you into despising the livelihood of your dearly departed father, who, by the way, thought the world of you. Not to mention, you wouldn't have been stuck with an adopted sister who won't give ol' Uncle Ray hugs and…" Ray gestured to the dishes the Franziska had prepared. "Actively tries to poison us every year with… whatever this stuff is."

Not one to take insults like that lying down, the silver-haired prosecutor proceeded to lash the fedora-wearing defense attorney with her whip before continuing with the song.


{Franziska}

Why can't you be like we are,

Not bluffing out of the blue?

{Defense Attorneys}

Why can't you just accept-

{Prosecutors}

Why can't you lot just adopt-

{Everyone}

The path that we have chosen to waaalk?!


"So, ready to admit that we're the best?" Sebastian smirked.

"No way! Our portions were clearly superior!" Athena proudly stated with a huge grin as she flashed a peace sign.

"Oh please, 'sasser', 'whipper', 'splitter'…?" Simon mockingly asked with a roll of his eyes. "Those aren't even real words! Those are things that I would expect to hear spew out of Deworste's mouth!"

"Why do you people bully me even when I do nothing wrong?!" Sebastian whimpered as he bent his baton.

"Simple. Your reactions are priceless, Herr Weinerlich." Klavier playfully chimed in, leaning forward with his winning smile. "But don't take it as an insult. On the contrary, I only act this way around people I like."

"In that case, I must be your favorite person in the whole wide world." Apollo wryly retorted with a disheartened look.

"Well, I'm tired of it!" Sebastian snapped, pointing his baton at the former rock star. "I may be a bit slow and gullible, but I try my best and deserve to be treated with respect!"

"As I previously stated, why-" Simon tried to dish out one of his typical comebacks, only to be interrupted by Sebastian lashing him with his baton.

"This is what I mean! You all keep making jokes about me being stupid and unimportant- just like Pops would! So, if you wanna bully me, then perhaps I should bully you!" The naïve prosecutor seethed, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes as he got out of his seat and picked up a large bowl of gazpacho that Franziska had prepared that was placed near his position, positioning the ladle to his right so he could easily splash the Twisted Samurai. "Want some soup?!"

"De-Dewor- er, I mean Debeste!" Simon corrected himself in a panicked voice, his eyes the size of saucers as he leaned back in his chair in order to put as much distance between himself and the deadly soup as possible. "T-There's no need to be so drastic. I was only kidding when I said those comments and feel that we can-

"Too late!" Sebastian roared as he splashed Simon's chest with a ladle full of gazpacho, causing Simon to scream in agony as the effected clothing quickly dissolved, revealing to the world the Twisted Samurai's bare chest which was starting to develop what looked to be second-degree burns.

"Cor blimey! What the hell's in that soup!?" Simon screeched through clenched teeth as he pressed his hands against the afflicted area.

"That's right! Maybe next time, you'll all think twice before making any more wisecracks at my expense." Sebastian stated with a malicious grin as he readied his weapon.

"Sebastian Debeste, cease this foolishness this instant!" Franziska snarled as she cracked the air with her whip. "That soup is meant to be enjoyed by everyone here, not used as a tool in your foolishly foolish quest for foolish retribution! Now, since it is Thanksgiving and I am feeling generous, instead of whipping you into submission here and now and risk foolishly wasting perfectly good gazpacho, if you put it down before the count of three and sit back down, you'll leave this apartment with as much blood in your body as you had when you first arrived. One…"

The silver-haired prosecutor raised a single gloved finger.

"Two…!" A second finger was raised.

"Thr- AHHH!" Franziska screamed in pain as a ladle full of her own soup was splashed in her eyes. "My eyes! My perfect eyes!"

"No soup for you!" Sebastian smirked before cocking his head to the side in contemplation. "Or maybe no soup for anyone else since you got a face full of it. Or maybe no soup for your mouth...? No soup for eating…? No, a dank anime reference like that doesn't really need to make sense. What do you think, Ms. von Karma?"

"I think I'm blind!" Franziska shrieked as she pressed her hands against her eyes, which, oddly enough, appeared to have black smoke seeping out of them.

"See? This is why I wanna major in the theatre!" Trucy snapped, gesturing at the wounded prosecutors. "Sure, it might not be as glamorous as being an attorney or a prosecutor, but this kind of thing never happens when I'm on stage!"

Chapter 83: Tyrell Badd

Notes:

JP: This goes out to my good friend SeñorJava, aka Mr_Coffee. I guess a new month starts off with another Not Disney month! I hope you enjoy your request – and approve of my character choice for it, amigo!

CT: Once again, my wonderful cowriter has outdone herself. The concept of Badd fighting crime as a superhero is too perfect and gets the cogs of my imagination really spinning. With his strong, silent-type personality and witty humor, I can picture him being a Batman-esque superhero known as Candyman; but unlike Batman, whose weapons, costume, and hideout are centered around bats, Candyman's all about the candy- dressing up like the Candy Man from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", throwing lollypops as projectiles and using candy canes as weapons, having his base of operations be a candy store, etc. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if there's an alternate universe where Badd became Candyman and joined his world's version of the Justice League.

Chapter Text

 

"Tyrell Badd"
Sung to the tune of the theme from the
original cartoon series song
"Spiderman"
(1967 TV cartoon series version)

 

"Cheers to my Uncle Badass!" Kay declared, raising her ginger ale – her law-bending but nevertheless abiding uncle refused to let his underaged teenage niece consume any alcohol despite it being a special occasion. "For dodging a prison sentence… Bringing my father's killer to justice, and being the best crack shot in all of Los Angeles!"

"I'll drink to that!" Tyrell Badd cracked a half-smile as he lifted his beer glass and clinked it first against the raven-haired girl's, then against the lifted glasses of Raymond Shields, Miles Edgeworth, and Dick Gumshoe. "But I think Mr. Shields deserves a lot of the credit for the fact that I'm not in prison for some of my…controversial methods in trying to bring down Calisto Yew thanks to his second-to-none defence."

"Pleasure was all mine." Shields grinned at the detective. "Although by now, Uncle Ray knows better than to try to commemorate this celebration by offering you a hug!"

"Let's not forget to give credit to Mr. Edgeworth," Gumshoe added loyally. "He was the biggest part of bringing down that whole smuggling ring!"

"And essentially chopping down that gnarled withered old talking tree known as Alba with his kick-ass cross-examination!" Kay agreed, raising a gloved hand to smother back a snicker. "To Mr. Shields and Mr. Edgeworth!"

"Cheers!" The friends chorused, clinking their glasses again.

"I may be biased of course," the Yatagarasu suddenly turned serious. "But I wouldn't even be here at this tavern right now with you guys if it hadn't been for the itchy trigger finger of my favourite detective!"

"Here, here!" Gumshoe enthused, beaming at his mentor. "All these years later, nobody has better gunmanship than you, Pops!"

"Holy Odin and all the little cherubs… it's really hitting me! I would've been a goner when that she-thing held that pistol to my head, if it wasn't for you, Uncle Badd." Kay shuddered slightly at the memory. "But then…BAM! Out came that gun and bitch would have gone down!"

"And I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash," Badd said gruffly. "That fork-tongued lizard witch would be down there waxing Satan's taint right now if it hadn't been for the bone-headed interference of a certain Wolf Man!"

"Luckily for Lang, his leg is as thick as his skull!" Miles commented wryly.

"That's a fact, pal!" Gumshoe nodded, biting back a snicker as he took a big chug of beer, then flushed as the prosecutor arched an eyebrow at his subordinate for the over-familiarity, even though they were off the clock. "Um, yes, that's right, Mr. Edgeworth, sir!"

"All that matters is you saved a life and still got your man in the end, Detective Badd." Shields tipped his fedora as a show of reverence. "You're a hero, detective."

"Hells yeah he is! Best the LAPD ever had – er no offence, Gummy!" Kay jumped up from the table and grabbed the large pepper grinder. "Because just like the song… Tyrell Badd is Badd To The Bone!"

Badd's lips twitched as he jutted his chin at the wooden object in his niece's hand, which she was holding up like a microphone.

"Kiddo, what are you doing with that thing?"

"Paying homage to my hero, of course!" Kay's eyes sparkled with fondness and gratitude. "A man like you deserves his own theme song!"

The ninja girl then proceeded to serenade her Uncle right there, in front of her amused friends and present patrons.


Tyrell Badd, Tyrell Badd, best flatfoot that LA had
Bullet holes in his trench, in his teeth a lolly's clenched
Watch out, here comes Detective Badd


 Made of steel and of sass, screw with him, he'll kick your ass
Gunshots fly overhead. He's the man all crooks dread.
Beware! There goes Detective Badd 


His mission's to catch all those guilty of crime
They can run but not hide, he'll nab them every time


Tyrell Badd, Tyrell Badd, best flatfoot that LA had
Criminals, be en garde, he'll put you behind those bars!


He is the ex Yatagarasu, break laws and he'll cuff you
Can't foil Detective Badd!


When she was done, the customers within earshot all burst into applause. Undaunted, Badd merely shrugged and popped a lollypop in his mouth, then regarded the plucky teen with a sombre expression that belied the affection in his gruff tone.

"Thanks for the kudos kid." He cleared his throat and affected his typical stolid expression. "But stick with being the next generation Yatagarasu, since you just proved you're more of a crowing raven than a songbird. Don't quit your day job!"

Rather than look affronted, The Great Thief simply walked behind her Uncle's seat and wrapped her arms around his neck from behind in a warm hug.

"I love you, too, Uncle Badd."

Chapter 84: Simon Keyes

Notes:

CT: I know that SilverDragon889 originally requested that this parody be about everyone's favorite perfectionist vampire prosecutor, but after seeing the lyrics of the original song, I couldn't help but make it where the parody stars everyone favorite mastermind clown. I mean, with how the original song is about a ginger cat who looks completely innocent, yet commits crimes by manipulating others to do his dirty work for him, they're basically describing a cat version of Simon. Though now that I think about it, several of Simon's sprites make him look reminiscent of a cat- particularly the ones where his eyes are closed.

JP: Never cared for Cats myself – wtf is a Jellico cat anyway?! And I'm allergic to felines so I needed a Claritin to get through the play! But fear not, pussycat lovers! There's the movie/war crime coming out soon to get your scratchin' fix! It has big-name actors dressed as creepy busty, furry RealDolls, apparently funded entirely by the horniest of Japanese salarymen. I haven't seen such disjointed flailing of limbs since Riverdance… but at least that was cool Irish jig – not nightmare fuel! Anywhore, sorry for the delay in updates guys… after I wrapped up Filling The Void, which was dedicated to my wonderful partner, I got sick as a dog 🐶 (you know, the anti-cat animals) 😷 and am now catching up on everything. Enjoy this awesome homage to the most likeable/forgivable of all AA villains in this wonderful musical dedicated month of October! 😊

Chapter Text

"Simon Keyes"
Sung to the tune of "Macavity"
from the Broadway musical,  Cats


 

After getting his prosecutor's badge back after the whirlwind of trials and tribulations that he had experienced over the past several days, Edgeworth wanted nothing more than to resume his duties and for things to go back to normal- at least, as normal as things could be in this crazy city.

However, before that could happen, there was one finally thing that Edgeworth, Kay, Gumshoe, Sebastian, and John had to see before they could finally put this mess behind them: the trial of Simon Keyes, the mastermind behind the hell that was the previous two weeks who was finally brought to justice thanks to Edgeworth's legendary logical prowess and the help of the others.

That was why the group was currently sitting in the front row of the gallery packed full of whispering people, watching as Simon, who was standing before the court dressed in a suit with his haired styled in the way it was when he was in his kind and meek persona, his nervous gaze darting back and forth from his defense attorney, Raymond Shields, to the prosecutor, Franziska von Karma.

Neither Edgeworth nor Sebastian was allowed to prosecute the trial due to how both of them had negative experiences with the defendant that could make them more inclined to utilize more unethical methods- for the former, the plot of kidnapping his assistant and using him as essentially a logic-wielding attack dog, and for the latter, succeeding in having his father arrested. Sure, Blaise was an evil, psychotic man with so little regard to morality that it wouldn't be a surprise to anyone if the Devil sold him his soul, but he was still Sebastian's father.

However, Simon wasn't so fortunate in regards to the judge presiding over the trial, Justine Courtney, who didn't even try to mask her disdain for the mastermind as she glowered at him with a cold fury. Under normal circumstances, Justine wouldn't have been allowed to preside over this trial for the same reasons why Edgeworth and Sebastian were barred from prosecuting it, but given Justine's position as acting P.I.C. Chairman while the committee searched for someone to replace Blaise, she was able to pull a few strings to ensure that these weren't normal circumstances. Sure, Justine felt a tinge of guilt for her actions- as a loyal servant of the Goddess of Law, it was her duty to act impartially towards all defendants in order to ensure that trials are fair and just- but those feelings were quickly replaced with rage when she remembered how this miserable excuse of a man kidnapped John, her son, and held him hostage in a cold warehouse. So, for the first time in her career as a judge, Justine mentally disregarded the traditional justice associated with the Goddess of Law in favor of the overprotective motherly kind typically displayed by soccer moms- the kind in which Mama Bear rips into anyone who dares to mess with her cub like Yogi Bear on a picnic basket.

"M-Mr. Shields, a-are you sure you can get me a lighter sentence?" Simon nervously asked, his hands covering his eyes. "Because I think that Courtney may still be upset at me for kidnapping her son."

"Don't worry, Simon." Ray nonchalantly replied with outstretched arms. "Courtney-pie may look scary, but I know that deep down, she won't go too hard on you. But if things start to go south, I'll simply present some evidence in the form of Exhibit Hug."

"Mr. Shields, I have already warned you about trying to offer me hugs…" Justine growled.

"But, Courtney-pie, I-" Ray tried to reason, only to be cut off by the slam of the judge's gavel.

"I will not tolerate any excuses, Mr. Shields! I hope that this penalty teaches you to control your arms and your mouth!" Justine snapped, prompting about a third of the green bar above the defense attorney's head to deplete.

"I don't mean to sound critical, Courtney-pie, but don't you think that you're being a bit… hostile?" Ray timidly asked with saucer-sized eyes and his hands raised up in front of his torso.

"What's that?! You wish for me to give you a second penalty?! Well, who am I to deny your wishes, Mr. Shields?!" Justine snarled, slamming her gavel and causing another third of the green bar to deplete. "Any other comments, Mr. Shields?" The judge asked in her typical polite voice, flashing the terrified defense attorney her typical warm grin."

"I-I'm good, Courtney-pie." Ray squeaked with his hands still raised.

"Excellent. In that case, Prosecutor von Karma, your opening statement, please." Justine calmly asked with an extended hand."

Courtney-pie may be completely out of her gourd, but at least that cute von Karma girl is still on our side and will help to ensure that Simon receives a fair trial. Ray thought to himself as he started to calm down, only for his eyes to widen again upon being hit with a realization. What am I saying, this is a von Karma we're dealing with! With Courtney acting like a deranged soccer mom and that von Karma girl's family history, this trial's going to be quicker than most of my first dates- and just like those dates, it will probably end painfully and with a lot of tears. Hopefully, this girl isn't as bad as her father and shows some mercy…

But unfortunately for both Ray and Simon, Franziska took harshness to a whole new level by delivering her opening statement in the form of a song.


{Franziska}

Simon Keyes is a conniving man,

People say he's a mastermind,

He commits the most heinous of crimes,

Yet links to him you won't find.

He's the bane of the LAPD,

A prosecutor's pain,

Because when his crimes come to light,

Simon Keyes can't be blamed!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

He acts without moral restraint,

He does whatever he pleases!

His skills of manipulation,

Are what Satan has sought,

Because when his crimes come to light,

Simon Keyes can't be caught!

You can question him in the jail,

Or in the circus or such,

But you might as well walk away since,

Simon Keyes can't be touched!

Simon Keyes is a ginger man,

Of average height and weight,

If you saw him, your hair would stand up straight,

For his eyes are filled with hate.

His mouth is packed with pearly teeth,

And always shows a sneer.

His hair is combed and well-styled,

And moisturized with tears.

His eyes have dark rings around them,

Like he hasn't slept in days,

And when you think he's been caught,

He somehow gets away!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

He can have several people killed,

While being subtle like a breeze!

He might kidnap you at Gourd Lake,

He might spy on you at Grand Tower,

But if these plans do go sour,

Simon Keyes won't cower!

He might look foolish and timid,


{Justine}

I know he cheats at chess.


{Franziska}

And he has no police record,

Not even a petty crime's printed,

And when Knightley's been murdered,

Or Jill Crane's body's been found,

Or Kay's left with amnesia,

Or John Marsh is nowhere around,

Or when a body double's killed,

And Lang is a broken mess,

There is a clear certainty:

Simon Keyes feels no stress!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

There never was a man of such deceitfulness and suavity.

He always has an alibi and one or two to spare,

So whenever the crime took place,

Simon Keyes wasn't there!

And they say that all of the manipulators that we've seen-

For example: Dahlia Hawthorne, Lance Amano, Luke Atmey-

Are just rank amateurs compared to Mr. Simon Keyes,

The fool who has played us like fools,

A modern Machiavelli!

Simon Keyes!

Simon Keyes!

No one's the peer of Simon Keyes!

He can have several people killed,

While being subtle like a breeze!

He might kidnap you at Gourd Lake,

He might spy on you at Grand Tower,

But if these plans do go sour,

Simon Keyes won't cower!


"Out of curiosity, what do you have planned for the next 40 years?" Ray asked in a serious tone as he glanced over at his client whose eyes were saucer-sized, whose teeth were clenched, and whose body was stiff as a board before finally succumbing to the stress and fainting backwards, hitting the ground with a loud thud.

Chapter 85: Maya Mia

Summary:

JP: For Jove's Boy. This can be seen as Phoenix's counterpart to Maya's solo – Jailbird Queen, from chapter 69, (another ABBA parody) or on its own. If you do reference it, lemme know who paid better homage to the Swede's… the Comeback King or his bae, the Burger Queen? 😛

CT: I swear, at this point, I can't help but imagine Phoenix and Maya frequently having date nights at a karaoke bar since it's not only cheap (Phoenix needs every cent he can muster if he hopes to have even the slightest chance of satiating Maya's four bottomless stomachs on a daily basis), but it would also give them plenty of opportunities to sing some romantic duets. Though in regards to this song, Phoenix should thank his lucky stars that Franziska chose not to spy on the detention center again, otherwise, Phoenix would exit the building, only to find Franziska waiting in the parking lot so that she could whip him to the point where he'd be unable to defend Maya any longer on account of being in a coma.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 


"Maya Mia!"
Sung to the tune of ABBA's "Mamma Mia"
from the musical play/movie
"Mamma Mia"

 

 

Kingdom of Khura'in Detention Centre – May 2028

 

"Why do you insist on risking your life for a woman that was merely your old office subordinate?" Rayfa demanded of Phoenix, hands on her hips. "Maya Fey was naught more than your underling, was she not? How is her life more important to you than your own?"

"She wasn't just my employee, Your Benevolence. Maya was – is! – my friend. My best friend. So of course, I care about her, and it's only natural I'd want to do all I could to save her life!"

"What cockamamie custom is this?" Rayfa snorted. "Befriending the help? What nonsense!"

"Don't you and your parents care about your palace servants?" He tried another angle with her. "How about Nayna, your pocket internet? Surely you care about her at least?!"

"How dare you compare that… Philistine Foreign Spirit Medium … a mere commoner, with my Nayna!" Rayfa clenched her fists. "And of course, my parents treat our servants as well as can be expected! They all get new uniforms twice a year and only work a half-day on their birthdays!"

Phoenix sighed deeply. Trying to rationalize anything with the hot-headed teen was purely an exercise in futility.

Attempting to reason with this girl only leaves me as hopeless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest!

"Well, to each their own, I guess. I may not be able to convince you that Maya isn't guilty, but I know this woman! She couldn't even stab a French fry with a plastic fork! Ergo, I believe in her… and it's all aboard the Phoenix Freedom Express!"

"Hrrnh!" The Lolli princess huffed sullenly. "I don't like the sound of that Phoenix Freedom Express one bit!"

"Why would you have an objection to that? Do you know what the Freedom Express means?"

"Augh! Of course, I know! D – Do not presume to know what I do not know!" The mini rage monkey glared at him. "What I still don't know is the real reason of your persistence in risking your own life to save this woman! Is this truly how you Americans are with all your former underlings? With those who are just your friends?"

"Well…" Phoenix felt himself beginning to sweat-drop. "Maya and I… it's complicated. We have a long history, you see. Her late sister was my mentor! Her little cousin sees me as a father figure of sorts – and is best friends with my daughter!"

"You have a daughter and you still would die for this woman?!" Rayfa eyed him incredulously. "I question your sanity, Barbed Head! Explain yourself at once!"

"Maybe me talking isn't going to give you the answers you seek…" Phoenix hedged, then put his hands on his hips and smiled confidently as inspiration struck. "Perhaps I can try to explain her – my – our dynamic a bit better in song…"


I've been assisted by Maya since I don't know when
But now she's being framed for murder again
Someday, somehow, she might catch a break
I don't know how … but she needs a real lawyer, so ...
There's a Wright right inside her soul!
Just one look with the magatama thing,
Just one look and Wright can see everything,
W-o-o-o-oh…


"Jumping elephant fleas! Nick?!"

"Jiminy Christmas!" The startled spiky-haired man spun around and found the thrice homicide accused standing on the other side of the glass, gaping at him. "M – Maya?! What are you doing here again?! I thought visiting hours were over, hence why you'd left!"

"Um, Mr. Saad Ma'an here..." The raven-haired beauty gestured to the stern-faced, uniformed guard standing by the door. "Decided to be nice enough to let me come back, because I forgot my Plumed Punisher Limited Edition strap. I came back in time to hear your surprisingly lilting musical testimonial!"

Her voice was filled with bewilderment now, but not without a touch of amusement.

"Since when can you sing, Nick?"

"Er, I didn't know I could!" He blushed furiously, as he'd never intended to have the subject of his impromptu lyrics ever overhear them! "And I normally never do…except in the shower! Heh, heh…"

"You started this, Barbed Head, so you may as well finish this… tomfoolery." Rayfa's tone was no-nonsense and commanding. "Carry on with your little song and dance, and pay no mind to your now larger audience!"

Guess I'll have to muster up my latent poker-face to hide this latest burning shame and a newfound sense of inadequacy!

To his amazement, the guard suddenly held up his cell phone, which was now playing the instrumental version of the ABBA hit on the MeTube app, which was apparently the country's own video streaming channel, and nodded encouragingly for the blue attorney to continue his serenade.

Phoenix turned his attentions, previously directed at the unimpressed teen, and faced his flummoxed ex-assistant as he resumed belting out his on-the-fly stanza.


Maya Mia, you're in jail again
Don't fret, I will not desist you!
Maya Mia, I'm here till the end
To have faith, defend and assist you


The charges will be discarded
From death row you will be darted
I'll bring an end to this newfound woe
Maya Mia, I won't let you go
Be swung on those deadly gallows


I dunno why bad things keep happening to you
Things look grim for us now; Yuti says we are screwed…


 

"Yuti?" Rayfa's eye began to twitch again. "Nnnngrrrr …. What is the meaning of this, you nincompoop?! How dare you speak of our pious monk prosecutor in such an insolent manner?!"

"Er, sorry, Your Benevolence. I have the attention span of a pint of yak butter, given the stress of these dire circumstances." Phoenix gulped and offered a sickly grin. "I meant to say … ah, Franzy! That's the name of the other prosecutor back in LA, who also accused Maya of erroneous murder charges – under circumstances that were shadier than a fat man's ankles!"

"These charges are not erroneous, you big dummy!" Franziska Junior wielded her staff dangerously, looking very much ready to THWONK the attorney over the head with it – again! "That neophyte practitioner is as doomed as you will be since you insist on not withdrawing from this case and possibly getting your sentence commuted!"

"Th – that's what you believe, Your Benevolence!" Phoenix insisted fervently. "But as a lawyer, and her friend, I will always have faith in Maya's innocence now, just as much as I did back then! Ahem, please allow me to continue with my retracted verse…"

"Hmph!" Rayfa scowled and crossed her arms but begrudgingly nodded her assent for him to continue. "As I said before…Bravado will get you nowhere, Barbed Head!"


I dunno why bad things keep happening to you
Things look grim for us now; Franzy says we are screwed
What does she know? That foolish whip-happy ho!
I swear I'll prove her case is all wrong
Ship her back home where she belongs!
There's no way you could have done such a thing!
I'll object until I prove everything, w-o-o-o-oh


 Maya Mia, you're in jail again
Don't fret, I will not desist you!
Maya Mia, I'm here till the end
To have faith, defend and assist you


The charges will be discarded
From death row you will be darted
I'll bring an end to this newfound woe


 Maya Mia, I will fight and pray
For you, as your friend forever
Maya Mia, I will find a way
I'll persist in all my endeavors!


 

Maya Mia, you're in jail again
Don't fret, I will not desist you!
Maya Mia, I'm here till the end
To have faith, defend and assist you


The charges will be discarded
From death row you will be darted
I'll bring an end to this newfound woe
Maya Mia, I won't let you go
Be swung on those deadly gallows


"That was an entertaining, yet unknown tune you warbled, I will concede this much." The royal priestess eyed him coolly as Maya and Saad Ma'an applauded enthusiastically when the song ended. "However, all it did was let me know that you are a tenacious, albeit a simpleton example of an attorney. One who never knows when to quit while he's ahead! It still does not explain your specific willingness to die for this woman – a question you still have not directly answered!"

"He didn't answer the question?" Maya blinked in surprise and flashed a puzzled smile. "What's going on, Nick?"

"Yes, you just broke into song in a foreign prison – don't tell me you're shy all of a sudden!" The guard added cheerfully. "Also, by royal decree… it would be a great slight against Her Benevolence to ignore her direct query."

Phoenix felt a knot forming in his stomach as three sets of eyes now stared at him quizzically.

Great thundering jellyfish on the squishy road to mayhem! This is going to be more disturbingly intimate than seeing Stephen King get a hot butter massage – since I'll have to convey the truth about everything…before the merciless eyes of a petulant princess and random prison guard!

"You look pained, Barbed Head." Rayfa eyed him suspiciously. "Is there a reason you are not answering my original question?"

"Well, I did throw out my back earlier trying to partake in your prayer ritual." He awkwardly scratched his neck. "If I move too suddenly, it still sort of feels like I gave birth to a bouncing baby hernia. I guess I'm still not be used to this cold mountain air…"

"I guess you should answer Her Benevolence, Nick." Maya flashed a cheeky grin. "Unless you want to end up locked in here with me for sassing the royal family!"

Her tone was light, but the questioning look on her lovely visage matched the inquiring one glimmering within the emerald eyes of the royal priestess, minus the overt hostility!

Maya was asking about more than just the song. She too, clearly wanted to know the real reason why he was putting his neck on the line for her – this time literally!

Phoenix swallowed hard. There was no way he was going to get out of this now that the subject in question had asked the same query. He could see the unspoken query in those curious orbs that he adored as clear as day.

Moreover, Maya still had her magatama on her, so it wasn't like he could lie to her – because she'd know!

Stupid psyche locks!

He never would have dreamed the object of his melody would hear not only the underlying message in the song, but the real truth behind his crazed actions… starting with his impromptu departure to West Asia the minute he'd heard her petrified scream on the cell phone before the connection had gone dead.

It was something that had been true for so long, but he'd never had the courage to say aloud.

FML! Still… not like I have a choice, and if we're both dead as of tomorrow, what does it matter, anyway? Oh boy… I guess it's now or never … I'm as ready as a rooster taking a bath in barbecue sauce to finally spill out my most closely guarded secret.

He took a deep breath for courage.

"I always have, and always will keep defending you, Maya. Even though this is the greatest risk I've ever made, and the stakes are higher than any poker game I've ever played… I – I could never abandon you, even though you've already told me to back away from this case twice already."

Phoenix faltered only for a minute as his gaze locked on hers, trying to convey from his heart what his mouth was trying fervently to suppress.

"I would never try to spare my life at the expense of yours. I can't. I never will. And the reason I will always be there for you when you need me, both in and out of the courtroom, even if it means the end of my life as I know it, is…"

Swallowing hard, he cupped his hands over his nose and scrunched up his face, never taking his eyes off hers as he then feigned letting out a loud sternutation sound.

"AISHITERU WA!"

"Holy Mother bless you!" Exclaimed Saad Ma'an, while the spirit medium reeled back in astonishment, a hand clapped over her mouth and orbs widened in shock, but remaining transfixed on his.

"Thank you," Phoenix replied thickly, never tearing his gaze off Maya's even while addressing the guard as he waited, with bated breath, for her reaction to this bombshell. "I feel so much better now that I finally got that… out of my system."

His breath caught in his throat as the psychic's dark eyes began to sparkle with tears as the weight of what he'd just uttered sank in.

"And just what hodgepodge was that, Barbed Head?" The oblivious Rayfa demanded suspiciously, forcing the lawyer to reluctantly break eye contact with the necromancer and swivel his head at her. "Was that strange sound intended to be some sort of cryptic, foreign devil code?!"

"Not at all! It was an unexpected expulsion of air, Princess. No hidden secret messages here!" He smiled winsomely while dramatically making a big show of pretending to sneeze again. "AchooAishiteru! Achoo! It's how we sneeze in um, America! It's that darn frigid mountain air, I'm telling you…"

"Nngh!" Rayfa shot him a disgusted look. "Your alien balderdash and wayward ways are beyond the pale, Barbed Head! I don't care to understand every word that was just spoken anymore – you bore me with your farcical shenanigans. I have no more time for either of you ill-fated nincompoops!"

With that, the royal priestess stormed off like a toddler with a thistle up her back end.

"I'm afraid that's our cue. I can't extend things any further. It's time for Miss Fey to go, Mr. Wright," the guard interjected, almost apologetically. Clearly, he'd enjoyed the performance immensely and was loath to bring things to an end. "Visiting hours are long over!"

"Maya… I'll see you in court tomorrow." Phoenix smiled bravely but averted his gaze now. He was almost afraid to look directly into the spirit medium's eyes again and fully assess her reaction to him putting his heart on the line so candidly. "Take care…"

As he turned to walk away, Maya's voice called after him.

"Nick, wait!"

As he turned his head, she earnestly cried out the words that changed the dynamic of their relationship forever.

"Elephant shoe, goo, Old Man!" Maya's heart was in her eyes, and as she saw the realization of her message dawning on his face, a faint smile played on her trembling lips. "Elephant shoe goo!"

As she turned to follow the guard, Phoenix's formerly thudding heart soared. Spinning on his heel to leave the detention center, he mentally channeled his inner Huey Lewis & The News from Back To The Future.

The power of love is a curious thing. Make one man weep, make another man sing

Phoenix was whistling the tune almost cheerfully now as he left the detention centre to meet his surly investigative partner.

Don't need money, don't take fame. Don't need no credit card to ride this train. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes. But it might just save your life. That's the power of love…

"Stop dragging your feet, you big dummy!" Rayfa grumbled peevishly from the front entrance. "Contrary to what your phony baloney spirit medium thinks, I have many better, more important things to do than follow you around during this lost cause! I need to get back to the palace now!"

"Coming, Your Benevolence!" He called back merrily. "And might I add your unparalleled cynicism is like a breath of fresh air on a crowded subway?"

"Go ahead and make all the jokes, you want, Barbed Head! None of it matters anyway, you're both destined for the Twilight Realm!"

Phoenix merely chuckled softly in response and obediently followed the girl, unable to keep the slight spring from his step.

He no longer cared what abuse, verbal or otherwise, was heaped upon him.

No matter how terrible, there was no longer a single thing Rayfa Padma Khura'in could proclaim about Phoenix and Maya's doomed, inevitable fate that could've wiped the shit-eating grin off his face now.

Because he had The Power of Love on his side.

Just you wait, Princess. As long as Maya and I are together, we are an unstoppable force! We'll turn this trial inside out and upside down! The stakes may be higher than they've ever been, but I have no doubt this will be our biggest turnabout… ever! Look out Khura'in… it's all aboard the Phoenix Freedom Express! Choo-choo!

 

Notes:

Huey Lewis & The News – The Power of Love

Translations:

*Aishiteru wa – I love you
(Japanese) man to woman

**Aishiteru yo
(Japanese)
from a woman to a man
(FYI for my fellow otaku folks!)

+Elephant Shoe (mouth these words while looking into a mirror)
Then try mouthing "Elephant Shoe Goo."
You see what Maya did there? 😉

Chapter 86: Trucy's Song

Summary:

CT: I can't believe that it took us this long to do a parody for this song. I mean, it's such a perfect fit for Trucy on account of the fact that the song is about singing the praises of a small, cute adolescent magician. Not to mention, both Trucy and Ashley have a short sidekick with horns and a red motif that they like to torture. Heck, the only differences between Trucy and Ashley are that they have opposite color schemes, with the former wearing blue while the latter prefers red, and personalities, with the former being cheerful and bubbly while the latter is dark and brooding.

JP: And… new month, new theme! November month is video games…and so decided it was time for a switcheroo again. Look out for my villain song to come up next…but first, my awesome partner takes on some uncharacteristic fluffy sibling bonding and singing, stemmed from a game spinoff of possibly the most famous video game character on earth! It's-A-Me! Mario! Er, Wario! Also… gotta love CT for rivalling me now for his gratuitous use/acknowledgement of (Nick being a) DILF! 😉

Chapter Text

 


" Trucy's Song"
Sung to the tune of "Ashley's Song"
from the 
WarioWare  and  Smash Bros.  game series


 

{Apollo}

Who's the girl in charge,

Of the Anything Agency?


{Trucy}

Prepare to be amazed,

'Cause I'm Trucy!


{Apollo}

She knows all kinds of tricks,

Though torture is her specialty.


{Trucy}

Wanna peek inside my Magic Panties?


{Apollo}

Trust me,

Don't let that cute face of hers deceive you.


{Trucy}

Don't underestimate,

The Awesome Trucy!


{Apollo}

She loves gossip, kittens,

And all things Gavinners.


{Trucy}

I've always got time for stuff like that!


{Trucy}

My white glove,

So Daddy can find love!

Daddy's D.I.L.F. eyes,

Now all the girls sigh!

Polly's horns,

You'll wish you were not born!

Uncle Edgeworth's weird napkin thing!

Oh no,

Now they're bored!


{Apollo}

She's been here for years,

But has yet to clean the toilet.


{Trucy}

All the coolest people adore Trucy!


{Apollo}

Don't get on her bad side,

Or regret it in an instant.


{Trucy}

That's why Polly's now my assistant!


{Trucy}

I love all of my fans,

Although,

You see,

Well,

One of them tried to steal my panties.

But that's in the past,

And was just a single scheme.

But if that's not true,

I'll scream!


{Apollo}

Who's the girl in charge,

Of the Anything Agency?


{Trucy}

Prepare to be amazed,

'Cause I'm Trucy!


{Apollo}

Just remember this,

When you see her on the stage:


{Trucy}

I'm the cutest magician you'll see!

I'm the coolest magician you'll see!

I'm the greatest magician you'll see!

Chapter 87: My Triumph (Will Be) Definite

Notes:

JP: For Yanmegaman. Dude, this was hard AF since I can't rap for 💩 so I hope you like this labor of love, pal! This self-aggrandizing song - it's my turn for me and CT's switcheroo as his last song was uncharacteristic fluff and this is one of my few villain songs! - could have easily been for Simon Keyes, but my wonderful co-pilot has paid so much homage to him already, I thought I'd use one of the few villains we haven't covered yet – Marlon Rimes from Dual Destinies. rapping breakout here, which would have happened right after his "Dissin' of Phoenix Wright" testimony from Turnabout Reclaimed, doesn't get an accompanying backstory like most of my song parodies.

Reasons:

A) Snarling Grimes is way too heinous.

B) Since I like animals more than people, I loathe him too damn much. Personally, I think he got off way too easy for trying harm an innocent animal!

That being said, I'd now like to bring your attention to:

MY SHAMELESSLY PROMOTED LATEST COLLABORATION PROJECT!😁

My funny friend StupidGenious and I just started a joint dark romantic comedy AU about the Periwinkle Piss Head and his Demonic Damsel a.k.a. a Kristoph Gavin X Dahlia Hawthorne not at all fairy-tale story: Atroquinine Angels: A Toxic Dalhstoph Tale by PPOD & JP which you can find on her wall… https://archiveofourown.org/works/21403501

CT: Y'know, now that I think about it, Marlon Rimes is a perfect foil of Wocky. With the latter, he's the son of an ex-mob boss who looks like the Godfather, yet he's unable to kill despite having a gun, a knife, a reasonable motive (perfectly logical when you compare it to the rest of the stuff floating around in his mind), and a prime opportunity, looks like an anime-version of Vanilla Ice, and is about as intimidating as a malnourished teacup poodle despite constantly preaching about how he's an OG's OG. Meanwhile, with the former, he comes off as one of the more mild-mannered characters in the series, yet the second he downs a barrel of fish, he turns into a hulking juggernaut who wouldn't be out of place in an episode of "One Piece" who inadvertently killed a guy while going all Captain Ahab on an orca. Not to mention, Marlon is actually able to sound OG in court while not making a complete joke out of himself, which is more than I can say about Wocky "that doctor was a quacker" Kitaki.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

" My Triumph (Will Be) Definite"
Sung to the tune of "Infinite's Theme"
from the video game, 
Sonic Forces

 

(Yeah!)
(Yo!)


I'm spewin' beats like a fountain
I'm bustin' rap out for days
Word up Turnabout Terror
My rhymes will set you ablaze!


Presence here is commandin'
This gangsta be here to stay!
I'm a straight-up go-getter
So just stay out of my face


The disses flowing freely
Mercy just ain't gonna happen
Shoulda stayed out of my way
Yo' ass is mine now I reckon!


Now that I've broken the chains
And I have freed my true spirit
The beast is finally free
You breaking out in cold sweat


And here stands Marlon Rimes
You punk lawyer
(Courtroom here won't ever be the same)
Ima grind you down into this floor
(I am the master and you be my slave)
(Be my slave)
(Be my slave)


You're not Phoenix Wright, you're Phoenix Wrong
(This bird ain't rising from ashes of fire!)
You know where you can go shove those laws
(Prepare for backlash; the sitch right here is dire!)
When the nightfall fades and turns to dawn
(Draw your conclusion, ain't nothing left to defend...)
Your case
(Dismissed)
You should
(Desist)
Cuz my triumph here will be definite!


Yeah
So listen up, blue
Take a hard look at me
When this ends
I be standing here in victory!


Now I'ma say wassup
No turning things around
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!


So listen up, blue
Take a hard look and see
The reason you'll cry
It'll be because of me!


You'll quake and cower
Of this I ain't got doubt
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!
(Ain't no point bluffing now!)


I'm spewin' beats like a fountain
Spiky really don't get it
That dropping bombs is my thing
Your arguments don't mean shit
(Bring it!)


The disses flowing freely
So you better take cover
I won't back down for nuttin'
I'll let know you when it's over


And here stands Marlon Rimes
You punk lawyer
(Courtroom here won't ever be the same)
Ima grind you down into this floor
(I am the master and you be my slave)


You're not Phoenix Wright, you're Phoenix Wrong
(This bird ain't rising from ashes of fire!)
You know where you can go shove those laws
(Prepare for backlash; the sitch right here is dire!)
When the nightfall fades and turns to dawn
(Draw your conclusion, ain't nothing left to defend...)
Your case
(Dismissed)
You should
(Desist)
Cuz my triumph here will be definite!


So, listen up, blue
Take a hard look at me
When this ends
I be standing here in victory!


You'll quake and cower
Of this I ain't got doubt
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!
(Ain't no point bluffing now!)


Yeah
So listen up, blue
Take a hard look at me
When this ends
I be standing here in victory!


You'll quake and cower
Of this I ain't got doubt
You cannot see this through
Ain't no point bluffing now!
(Bluffing now!)
(Bluffing now!)
(Bluffing now!)
Ain't no point bluffing now!


Bonus!

JP: And now, without further ado, here's a crack Phaya fic absolutely nobody asked for! This utterly ridiculous and unrelated short story is called  "Snooty Phoenix Wright."
Enjoy! 😛


Snooty Phoenix Wright

A Short Story
by JordanPhoenix

 

 

Phoenix Wright had always loved magical Courtroom with its boiled, blue-eyed bench. It was a place where he felt worried.

He was a snooty, stable, grape juice drinker with beautiful eyebrows and greasy elbows. His friends saw him as a pleasant, purple painter. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for a dirty old man. That's the sort of man he was.

Phoenix walked over to the window and reflected on his idyllic surroundings. The hail pounded like dancing flamingos.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Maya Fey. Maya was a clumsy teacher with scrawny eyebrows and squat elbows.

Phoenix gulped. He was not prepared for Maya.

As Phoenix stepped outside and Maya came closer, he could see the scrawny smile on her face.

Maya gazed with the affection of 702 spiteful obedient owls. She said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want love."

Phoenix looked back, even more unstable, and still fingering the ripped piano. "Maya, I love you," he replied.

They looked at each other with sneezy feelings, like two mutated, melted maggots gyrating at a very deranged birthday party, which had piano music playing in the background and two snotty uncles talking to the beat.

Phoenix regarded Maya's scrawny eyebrows and squat elbows. "I feel the same way!" revealed Phoenix with a delighted grin.

Maya looked sparkly, her emotions blushing like a spicy, substantial sausage.

Then Maya came inside for a nice drink of grape juice.

THE END

JP: Assuming you got a kick out of this (and don't just want to kick me afterward!) you can thank my pal, TheFreelancerSeal for giving me the idea, and now look forward to CT's own nutty short story next chapter! 😛

Notes:

Sonic Forces~ Theme of Infinite (Lyrics)
youtu.be/Dp8dEQ43_NM

Chapter 88: D.A. Jam - Thanksgiving Bonus Special!

Summary:

CT: This parody goes out to Yanmegaman who knows how to suggest all of Debeste songs. The second I saw that the "D.K. Rap" was a suggestion, there was no doubt in my mind that it would be a Sebastian song. Though now that I think about it, I could easily picture Edgeworth, Franziska, Klavier, Simon, and Sebastian working together in a "D.K. 64"-esque adventure- collecting items, exploring worlds, and rage quitting after the 50th round of Beaver Bother. Not to mention, I can only imagine what it would be like in the barrel. Heck, knowing how Simon and Franziska are, there's a chance that Sebastian would be launched out of the barrel within the first hour of him being unlocked.

JP: As usual, my comical co-pilot never fails to make DeWorste case scenarios be Debeste of Debeste…😆 enjoy this month’s closing theme of video games, and to all our American readers, wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble! Gobble! 🦃

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

" D.A. Jam"
Sung to the tune of the
"D.K. Rap" from the
Donkey Kong 64 game

 

 

As Chief Prosecutor, Edgeworth typically spends his days not in the courtroom engaged in a battle of wits against a worthy adversary as they try to uncover the truth behind a case, but rather alone in his office filling out paperwork and assigning the right prosecutor to each case that arises. Sure, the job is a bit on the tedious side, but if it means that Los Angeles is less corrupt, then it's a burden that Edgeworth is more than happy to carry.

However, on this particular day, things are anything but as the maroon-cladded prosecutor sits behind his desk, discussing matters with Franziska, Sebastian, Klavier, Simon, and Winston that could shape the very future of the Prosecutor's Office.

"Prosecutor Blackquill, for the umpteenth time, we're not doing a 'Danganronpa' parody." Edgeworth sighs with exasperation, placing his hand over his eyes in order to control his irritation.

"Have you even heard of the 'Danganronpa' franchise, Edgeworth-dono? Because if you did, then you wouldn't be making such ridiculous decisions. After all, with its colorful cast of fleshed-out characters, amazing storylines, and a phenomenal sense of atmosphere, a parody starring us would fulfil all of our goals and more." Simon confidently states with a finger to his forehead.

Trust me, Prosecutor Blackquill, I've experienced enough of the 'Danganronpa' series to last me a lifetime thanks to Trucy constantly bugging me to help her sue Spike Chunsoft for over a month due to their Ultimate Magician character from their "Killing Harmony" game being an 'unlawful use of her image' and 'defaming her character'… even though the game explicitly puts out a disclaimer to cover this very topic before the title screen even appears."

"Are you sure, Edgeworth-dono? Because I've already written the script with "the best" victim in mind." Simon sneers as he glances over at Sebastian, who responds to the remark by simply smiling and waving at his dark humor-loving co-worker.

"While I appreciate your efforts, Prosecutor Blackquill, I don't want to remind Trucy of that topic- especially considering that we're filming at Take-2 TV. I know that they're trying to make amends for what Retinz did by allow us to perform a short bit to promote the Prosecutor's Office free of charge on prime time, but considering that they did try to ruin her career and send her to prison, if we do your idea, Trucy could see it as the studio trying to slander her again.. Edgeworth responds with crossed arms as he taps his biceps."

"In that case, how about we perform a rock song about always fighting for the truth? That'll get the younger generation interested in our cause- especially the fräulines." Klavier smirks as he starts snapping his fingers. "Of course, I'll be rocking out on my guitar and singing the lyrics. As for the rest of you guys, Herr Edgeworth can own the bass guitar since he's a cool cat, Fräuline Whippet's temper makes her perfect for drums, Herr Weeaboo probably has an affinity for the keyboard, and if memory serves me right, I believe that Herr Weinerlich plays the triangle. So with all that going for us, I think we can have a pretty good blend of sound. Oh, and before you ask, I know that most of you aren't as musically gifted as me, so I made sure to keep your parts simple."

"Klavier Gavin, it's one thing when you foolishly make yourself look like a foolish fool when you foolishly treat your trials as if they're your foolishly foolish concerts of foolishness, but I will not stand idly by while you foolishly try to drag the rest of us down into your foolish quagmire of foolishness!" Franziska snarls, tugging at her whip before lashing the former rock star with it.

"Yeah!" Sebastian chimes in as he bends his baton. "If you want me to play my triangle with you so badly, then maybe you should have thought about that before laughing and throwing fruit at me when I auditioned for your band back when we went to Themis!"
"Alright, Fräuline Whippet, if you think that my idea's so terrible, then why don't you tell us yours?" Klavier retorts with a disgruntled look.

"Well, if you must know, Klavier Gavin, I intend to inspire the youths of today in the form of me and Miles Edgeworth talking about the history of our great family, starting with Ottokar, Lord of Karma, nearly a millennia ago and slowly progressing towards the modern-day with me and Miles Edgeworth," Franziska smirks with a waggle of her finger. "Sure, Miles Edgeworth isn't a von Karma by blood, but he teaches the important lesson that even those who descend from foolishly foolish defense attorneys can become slightly less foolish than everyone else if they embrace the ways of the von Karma family."

"I feel so honored." Edgeworth sarcastically responds with a roll of his eyes.

"So you plan to inspire the youths of today by discussing how your father killed a man, adopted and trained his son to be everything that he stood against, and then tried to said son for murder and patricide 15 years later- all because he received a penalty for something that he was to blame for?" Klavier snidely retorts. "What next, are you going to interview my brother on the best ways to ruin your enemies' lives and careers?"

"You have no right to talk about Papa like that, you foolishly foolish fool!" Franziska snarls as she whips the former rock star. "And FYI, I plan on omitting Papa from the documentary. After all, just because one apple's arguably rotten doesn't mean that you can't make a pie with the rest of the orchard."

"Funny you should mention filming a documentary, Franziska because that's similar to my idea." Edgeworth confidently states with outstretched arms. "However, instead of focusing on your bloodline, I feel that it would be fairer and more informative if we all had a group discussion regarding the day-to-day operations of the Prosecutor's Office with none other than the Steel Samurai himself, Will Powers, hosting.

"Who's the Steel Samurai?" Winston asks with a confused look on his face.

"Please leave my office. Now." Edgeworth requests in a low growl, trying his best to remain calm and hold back the anger he's feeling. After all, how could anyone in his Prosecutor's Office- even the janitor- not even be aware of the legendary hero?"

"B-But I haven't even told you my-" Winston weakly retorts, his posture hunched over as a few beads of cold sweat drip down his brow. However, the screechy prosecutor immediately cuts himself off when his superior flashes him one of his infamous death glares. "Actually, I think now would be a good time to take my leave."

"You do that." Edgeworth coldly responds with crossed arms, continuing to glare at Winston until he exits the office, making sure to close the door quietly behind him.

"You know, none of this would be happening if we went with my idea." Sebastian chimes in.
"You mean your terrible remix of that already criminally awful 'D.K. Rap'?" Simon curtly asks, turning his back to the group. "I would rather play shamisen as part of Prosecutor Dandy's suggestion."

"I said that you would play the keyboard, Herr Weeaboo." Klavier points out."

"I know what I said." Simon retorts.

"But Mr. Blackquill, my remix isn't terrestrial- er, I mean terrible!" Sebastian wails, trying his hardest to hold back his tears. "Why, when I showed the song that Kay and I recorded to Justine, she said that it was something and that I should be proud because I tried my best." The naïve prosecutor boasts, his face quickly changing into a smirk.

"And just when I thought that you couldn't get any dumber…" The Twisted Samurai groans with a shake of his head.

"Ok, from the look of things, it appears that we have reached an impasse. Therefore, if we ever wish to come to a conclusion anytime soon, we'll have to settle this matter the old-fashion way." Edgeworth states before taking some sticky notes and a pen out of his desk drawer, followed by turning to the shelf behind him and moving the Steel Samurai there to his desk. "We will each write an idea down on a sticky note and then place them in the Steel Samurai helmet that Wright gave me this last Christmas. Then, after everyone's submitted an idea, I will draw one at random and that will be the one we'll go with. Is everyone fine with that?" The Chief Prosecutor asks as he writes down his idea and put it in the helmet.

"Ok, Mr. Edgeworth!" Sebastian chirps as he writes down and submits his idea.

"I'm nothing if not a team player, Herr Edgeworth." Klavier coolly responds before doing the same.

"If I must…" Simon sighs before placing his idea in with the rest.

"And here I thought that you were less foolish than the others, Little Brother…" Franziska states with a tone of disappointment as she, too, submits her idea."

As soon as Edgeworth sees that the last idea has been placed into the helmet, he closes his eyes and reaches his hand inside, rustling around the contents in order to ensure that the decision is entirely fair.

"And the winner is…" The Chief Prosecutor pulls out a random note and opens his eyes, only for them to become saucer-sized and his complexion to go pale upon seeing what's written on it.
Of course, Franziska, being the woman that she is, can't handle the suspense and walks behind her 'little' brother to see what idea they'll be doing, only for her to glare daggers at him upon reading it.

"I hate you, Miles Edgeworth…" Franziska growls before whipping her adopted brother.

The next day, the five prosecutors are standing on a wooden stage in Take-2 TV with a camera pointed right at them, their forms obscured by the dim lighting of the set that resembles one of the city's courtrooms as a rap song recorded sung by Sebastian starts playing on the large speakers behind them.


{Sebastian}
Ob-Ob-Objection!

They've come to the courtroom,
To protect you all,
So to give them your thanks,
Don't ignore their call!
Raise your pointer fingers,
To be cool as clams,
As we rock out with this lawyer jam!
Yeah!


D.A.!
The District Attorney!


[A spotlight shines on Edgeworth who tries his best to look refined and dignified, even though it's obvious to anyone watching that he doesn't want to be there.]


{Sebastian}

He's the Demon Prosecutor,
He'll cut your pay,
He's here to ruin every villain's day!
His logic chess can detect all lies,
And when he does,
You're gonna cry!
He has class, fangirls, and looks real cool,
He's the first member of the D.A. Crew!


Yeah!
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
D.A.!
The District Attorney's here!


[The spotlight shifts over to Franziska who, unlike her adopted brother, doesn't even attempt to hide her disdain as she pulls at her whip and snarls through clenched teeth.]


{Sebastian}
This girl loves to fight,
So felons beware,
When that whip of hers,
Lashes and tears!
She'll win with her mad skills and expertise,
And force her friends and foes down on their knees!
If you cross her,
You'll get a kick,
With her scowl and her whip,
She's one scary chick!
Yeah!


D.A.!
The District Attorney!


[Contrary to the unadulterated rage Franziska expressed during her portion of the song, Simon merely glowers at the camera, taking several deep breaths in order to keep himself at least somewhat calm.]


{Sebastian}
He looks real mean,
And loves anime,
It gives him strength for the entire day!
So he likes "Cory in the House",
And dank art of Shrek,
In a blouse,
Dancing with Barry from "Bee Movie"!
This o-taco thinks this is groovy!
Yeah!


"Why, you little git…!" Simon snarls as he flashes Sebastian a death glare. "Come here!" The Twisted Samurai yells as he attempts to charge at his naïve co-worker, prompting the weepy prosecutor to reel back and start sobbing.

Though fortunately for Sebastian, before Simon can reach him, Edgeworth effectively restrains the former inmate by wrapping his arms firmly around his torso.

"Prosecutor Blackquill, get a hold of yourself!" Edgeworth scolds in a firm whisper. "I understand that this isn't an ideal situation for either of us, but I will not allow you to cause a scene on national television and risk another dark age of the law!"

"But, Edgeworth-dono-" Simon angrily whispers as he struggles in vain to free himself from his superior's grip.

"No buts, Prosecutor Blackquill. You are going to stand here for the duration of this performance with some semblance of dignity or so help me, I will cut your pay to the point where Gumshoe will look like Scrooge McDuck by comparison. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Edgeworth-dono…" Simon reluctantly sighs, prompting his superior to release his hold on the Twisted Samurai, who then proceeds to morosely stand in his designated spot with a hint of resentment in his eyes as the song continues.


{Sebastian}

D.A.!
The District Attorney!
D.A.!
The District Attorney's here!


[Given Klavier's experience as a world-famous rock star, it's no surprise that he takes to the spotlight shining on him like a fish does to water, flipping some loose hair out of his eyes before flashing his signature confident grin at the camera.]


{Sebastian}
This rock star has returned to the stage,
To dispel all of the Dark Law Age!
He'll rock your world with his guitar in-hand,
With his love of truth,
He's never bland!
He makes fangirls squeal with his rocking tunes,
But for bad guys, he sends 'em running like loons!
Yeah!


D.A.!
The District Attorney!
Yeah!


[The spotlight then shines on Sebastian, who tries to look as impressive as he possibly can by puffing out his chest and putting his hands firmly on his hips.]


{Sebastian}
Finally,
He's here for you,
He's the last member of the D.A. Crew!
He tries so hard,
It'll warm your heart,
When he rips the bad guys' cases apart,
Or when he overcomes his inner demons,
So he can stop fiends from scheming!
They say he's weak,
They say he's dumb,
But this guy's one heck of a chum!


"C'mon Kay, let's really go all-out on this last part and throw in some "Cory in the House for Mr. Blackquill!" The song proclaims, prompting Simon to whistle for Taka, prompting the hawk to dive-bomb Sebastian and start clawing at the naïve prosecutor's face.

"Aaaah! It's Jailrush the Pigeon all over again!" Sebastian wails as he tries to repel Taka with a few pathetic swings of his baton, which only make the hawk even angrier and more aggressive in his attack. "Someone, help me!"


[As Edgeworth and Klavier struggle to get Taka away from Sebastian, Simon and Franziska watch the scene with looks of amusement, high-fiving each other as the final part of the song plays.]


{Sebastian and Kay}
Logic, guitars, truth as a spouse,
Whips, batons, "Cory in the House"!
Oh, yeah!
Logic, guitars, truth as a spouse,
Whips, batons, "Cory in the House"!


 

 

Gobbler Bonus #1!
Here's CT's crack-fic, as promised from the last chapter!

Two Funny Uncles Drinking to the Beat
A Short Story
by CzarThwomp

 

 

Kristoph Gavin looked at the bendy book in his hands and felt shocked.

He walked over to the window and reflected on his idyllic surroundings. He had always hated creepy Sidney with its unpleasant, uninterested umbrellas. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel shocked.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Phoenix Wright. Phoenix was a lovable rover with blonde thighs and ample eyes.

Kristoph gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a sinister, bold, tea drinker with pretty thighs and greasy eyes. His friends saw him as a better, brave banker. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for a wet injured bird.

But not even a sinister person who had once made a cup of tea for a wet injured bird, was prepared for what Phoenix had in-store today.

The wind blew like cooking pigeons, making Kristoph sparkly.

As Kristoph stepped outside and Phoenix came closer, he could see the screeching smile on his face.

"I am here because I want a pencil," Phoenix bellowed, in an incredible tone. He slammed his fist against Kristoph's chest, with the force of 9509 bears. "I frigging hate you, Kristoph Gavin."

Kristoph looked back, even more sparkly, and still fingering the bendy book. "Phoenix, beam me up Scotty," he replied.

They looked at each other with healthy feelings, like two mighty, miniature maggots bouncing at a very energetic disco, which had flute music playing in the background and two funny uncles drinking to the beat.

Suddenly, Phoenix lunged forward and tried to punch Kristoph in the face. Quickly, Kristoph grabbed the bendy book and brought it down on Phoenix's skull.

Phoenix's blonde thighs trembled and his ample eyes wobbled. He looked ecstatic; his body raw like a red, real ruler.

Then he let out an agonizing groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Phoenix Wright was dead.

Kristoph Gavin went back inside and made himself a nice cup of tea.

 

THE END


JP: Amazingly enough, CT is still one of my favorite people, even though he kills off my otherwise husbando repeatedly in his works, and in this case, perhaps inadvertently made Prissy Krissy even more putrid/lame by making him sparkle ala those steaming moose dung buckets disguised as books aka the Twilight vampires! 😜


Thanksgiving Bonus (aptly known as) NUMBER 2! ... I've decided to continue rapping... Wendy Oldbag paying homage to her Edgey-Poo, as inspired by my girl /Dalhstoph co-writer, Lyn, aka StupidGenious!

Notes:

A Japalifornia State of Mind (The Tea Hip Hop)
By Inspectah JP Wright

Yeah, yeah
Ayo, Edgey-Poo, it's time.
It's time, Edgey-Poo (aight, Edgey-Poo, begin).
Straight out the geeky dungeons of rap.

The cravat drops deep as does my affection.
Come give me a kiss, Grandma won't make no objection.
Beyond the walls of objects, life is defined.
I think of love when I'm in a Japalifornia state of mind.

Hope the groom got some resume.
My loom don't like no dirty bloom.
Run up to the boom and get the room.

In a Japalifornia state of mind.

What more could you ask for? The sexy cravat?
You complain about stalking.
You gotta love it though - somebody still speaks for the gavot.

I'm rappin' to the tea,
And I'm gonna move your tree.

Handsome, brilliant, smoldering, like a chess
Boy, I tell you, I thought you were ass.

You can't take the stalking, can't take the logic.
I woulda tried to hug I guess I got no tajik.

I'm rappin' to the tree,
And I'm gonna move your tea.

Yea, yaz, in a Japalifornia state of mind.

When I was young dis Grandma had an express.
I waz kicked out without no press.
I never thought I'd see that address.
Ain't a soul alive that could take dis Grandma's process.

An intense hen is quite the den.

Thinking of love. Yaz, thinking of love (love).

Chapter 89: Kitten Comes Around

Notes:

JP: This gift is for GaylordOfSalt on A03 (my Kris Kringle recipient!). I hope you enjoy this holiday homage to one of our OTP's – and without beyond objection, the sexiest canon couple in the AA universe, Miego! I hope you like it! Cheers and Merry Christmas! 🎄😊
Since this was a gift, this songfic has a longer story than previous ones (don't worry it's still shorter than the average TE chapter!) so I hope you guys enjoy some fluffy holiday reading as I explore the origins of how catch + catch came to be!

CT: Just when I thought that JP couldn't hit me right in the feels with any more Miego parodies, she once again managed to prove me wrong. I swear, at this rate, I'm going to need to have an emergency box of tissues on hand whenever I see a hint of Miego in the titles of parodies that JP sends for me to take a look at.Though in regards to the topic of sexy canon "Ace Attorney" couples, I was about to bring up Ron and Dessie, but then I remembered that this is Ron "Don't ignore meeeee!" Delite we're talking about. If Ron and sexy ever ran into each other, the latter would turn the other way and run away as fast as physically possible while the former chases after it while yelling "Don't leave meeeee!" I mean, as you all know, I have a dark and twisted mind, but even I don't want to think about what goes on in the Delite bedroom. Knowing Ron, he's probably a screamer… a very, very loud screamer. And with that, I managed to turn a bittersweet parody into something dark and disturbing.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Kitten Comes Around”
Sung to the tune of
“When Christmas Comes to Town”
from the movie
The Polar Express

 

 

Grossberg Law Offices – December 24, 2012

 

 

“It’s that time of year again, Santa Baby. Hurry over so I can sit on your lap and tell you what a bad girl I’ve been this year.”

In all the time he’d known that feminine purr, with its come-hither sultriness that would’ve put Kathleen Turner’s (circa Jessica Rabbit era) to shame, it’d never failed to make his temperature, among other things, rise.

“Right on schedule, eh, Mami?” Diego Armando let out a rueful chuckle into the receiver.

He’d both been expecting – and dreading – this call.

For the last two years, he and Mona Lott had made it a point to remain unattached during the holiday season so they could spend the night of Christmas Eve… And most of Christmas morning, together, with him sliding down her chimney.

The ardent Hispanic man was no stranger to the pleasures of the flesh. He’d never claimed to be a saint with las damas, nor immune to feminine wiles. Every female he’d ever known was seized by the same insatiable craving for the Don Juan DeMarco of law that rivaled his own for java. Likewise, he hedonistically enjoyed the legions of lovers his smooth Latin accent and swarthy good looks had garnered him ever since early adolescence.

Forsooth, the ladies of LA loved him, and roguish Romeo loved them right back … albeit temporarily. However, he’d always clarified, upfront, that he had no desire for anything serious or long-term. Diego hadn’t ever claimed to be husband material; his unapologetically raffish motto had always been: so many women, so little time.

Mona had lasted slightly longer than the others, boasting a lusty, voracious carnal appetite that matched his own. In this case, it hadn’t hurt that his ex not only sounded but physically resembled the living incarnated version of Roger Rabbit’s bombshell wife, either! Even though they’d amicably split up years ago, they’d enjoyed myriad casual encounters ever since. The titian-haired siren was well aware that the mere promise of another night of no-strings, unbridled passion was something that’d never failed to make his pulse race.

Until now.

“Shall we continue our annual tradition tonight, papi?” Mona’s throaty voice turned even more provocative. “My place, say around 10 tonight …no mistletoe, or clothes, required?”

Diego expelled a weary sigh into the receiver. This mamacita wasn’t going to make this easy. Not by a long shot.

“I’m going to have to take a rain check, Mona.” He affected a contrite tone. “Unfortunately, I’m still at the office, and up to my eyeballs in paperwork. God knows what time I’ll be able to get out of here.”

“Working late. Again. On Christmas Eve.” Mona’s seductive pitch turned sullen. “Just like you claimed was the case for my birthday last month. And on the night of October 31, a.k.a. our annual Halloween Howl!”

“It’s nothing personal – it’s just that work has been loco lately.” He tried to speak kindly but was already girding his loins. “My protégé and I have been putting in a lot of overtime researching this death row inmate case, and it’s taking up every free moment we’ve got. There are so many suspicious circumstances surrounding his conviction, and it’s been brought to our attention that he actually could qualify for a justified appeal…”

Mona erupted in a manner not entirely unlike Mount Vesuvius.

“Do you take me for a fool, Diego?” She exploded wrathfully. “I’m abundantly aware of the glaring lacuna in this soap opera – which you’ve been too cowardly to admit! It hardly takes a genius to deduce that your precious protégé is the very reason you’ve rebuked all my advances these last few months!”

“Mona…”

“Don’t you dare lie to me! Word on the street is ever since a certain busty bimbo joined your law firm, you’ve been living like a monk and pining after her like an abject, lovesick puppy!”

“Leave Mia out of this, Mona.” Diego vainly attempted to keep his trademark cool intact, but he was rapidly reaching the boiling point. “And I’ll have you know that my assistant is no bimbo. She’s a brilliant young attorney who’s well on her way to being a legal legend someday! Furthermore, I will not stand for you showing such unwarranted disrespect towards any colleague of mine!”

Colleague?” His jilted lover gave a contemptuous, unladylike snort. “Give me a break, you besotted cabrón! It’s glaringly obvious you’re hung up on her, which means I should have hung up on you ages ago! I only persisted because it never occurred to me any man could be so utterly whipped by a walking pair of knockers – that he hasn’t even bedded! Or is that why I’m no longer on your radar? You finally made the vital conquest and dipped that pen of yours into the company ink, have you?”

Diego clenched his jaw and fought to keep control of his rising temper, not because of the scathing insults directed at him, but due to the continued acrid disparagement of his dear coworker.

“Show some class and watch that forked tongue, woman! You’re treading on very thin ice here.”

But his jealous ex was beyond paying heed to the danger lurking in his normally smooth baritone.

Aha! Based on the defensiveness of your tone, it’s obvious you haven’t even come close to Introducing Charley to her, which makes you even more pathetic than I thought! This one must really be special. Don’t try to cozen me! I’ve seen the way you look at that pneumatic trollop when I’ve dropped by the office! Amazingly that she can even stand upright and not tip over, what with those Brobdingnagian maracas she loves to flaunt!”

He ground his teeth. Mona’s animus slurs sliced like razor blades, yet she still wasn’t done with her virulent onslaught.

“Is Grossberg not paying her enough to buy professional attire that fits properly? That hussy can barely keep the overworked, straining zipper of her blazer from bursting, the poor, deformed creature!”

“That’s enough, Mona! I’ve had enough of your malicious bile!” His free hand, which had been holding his ever-present coffee mug, had tightened around the ceramic in an almost painful vice grip. “Incidentally, this invidious side of you is hardly desirable. Did nobody ever tell you that the color green on you is most unflattering?”

“Humph! Since you’ve taken that little sex kitten under your wing so protectively, you also should’ve let the puta know: ‘honey, if you’re going to be that available, you may as well get a doorbell on your blouse’!”

Cállate la boca!” His mug thudded so hard onto his desk that the hot liquid sloshed over the sides and onto his hand, but he was impervious to everything, as his rage was so rampant. “Terminamos, Mona Lott! Olvídate de mi número! Comprende?”

“¡Vete al diablobastardo!”

“Lead the way, bruja rencorosa!” He couldn’t resist making one final dig. “Now, before I hang up on you, allow me to wish you a sad and lonely Silent Night!”

Before she could reply, he slammed the desk phone back into the cradle and raked an agitated hand through his unruly dark mane

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned would the understatement of the century! Are  all  redheads this loca, or just the ones  I  tend to attract?

He shook off the splattered dark liquid from his mercifully unscalded hand.

There are 253 distinct types of bitterness in coffee. But to pick out each one requires total concentration and the use of all the senses.

Merely being in the same room as Mia Fey made Diego take complete leave of all his.

Mona was right. He was a mawkish, besotted fool; one who’d just turned down a night of unbridled ecstasy not only with a skilled temptress but every other mujer who’d crossed his path since he’d laid eyes on the pulchritudinous brunette.

She’d been working closely under him for the past few months, but nothing beyond professional comradery had transpired between them, maugre their many late nights alone together at Grossberg Law Offices.

Well, naught more than the occasional brush of hands when reaching for the same files, flushed cheeks, and occasional lingering glances.

Nevertheless, he’d instantly known from the second the buxom beauty had walked through Grossberg’s door, he was a goner. There could be no other for him – not now, not ever.

You don’t get much more lovesick than that!

It was a feeling unlike any he’d ever known – one that went way beyond his usual concupiscence. He couldn’t even begin to explain it. All he knew was that Mia was different from all the others. The way she spoke, the way she moved, the way she just was… it had a way of making you look at things differently.

A way of making you close your eyes and see with your heart.

And then there was that smile of hers.

Despite her loin-stirring, voluptuous figure, which boasted more curves than a racetrack and was indisputably made for deviant sin (it positively beckoned the touch of a man’s hands), in sharp contrast, Mia possessed the most ethereal beam he’d ever seen. One that never failed to light up a room, or the dark as espresso, cynical recesses of his heart.

The smile of an angel.

Her smile shines like the stars in the sky, with no bright city lights to dim them. It’s like the sun opened its eager light to shine on her, only brightening her perfectly aligned teeth. She smiles like she’s never been burned by love but the fire in her eyes warns you not to play with hers…

And Mia was certainly fiery! She’d proven that she harbored enough spark to make Diego mentally dub her an honorary Latina!

It was the lesson that Robert Hammond had discovered firsthand – the hard way…


Grossberg Law Offices – September 2012

 

“Armando sure is putting your nose to the grindstone, isn’t he, Doll Face?” Hammond droned in his typical insolent, patronizing fashion as he watched Mia place an enormous stack of files on her desk beside an already towering stack of papers. “Has your slave driver superior even allowed you to have a break yet?”

Diego raised an irked eyebrow at the condescending, unsolicited nickname, one which he could tell the señorita did not appreciate any more than “Sweetie” or “Toots.” He was skilled enough at reading women to note the indignant flare in her eyes every time these boorish, misogynistic instances occurred, easily seeing past her unwavering serene expression to the underlying indignation in those amber orbs.

To date, though, she’d somehow managed to grin and bear it all without raising an objection. Hammond may have been the new frontier in total assholology, but even he was still slick enough not to act upon these Neanderthal instincts whenever Grossberg was in the office. He knew the judicious older man wouldn’t stand for such uncouth behavior in his office.

“I need to earn my stripes somehow, Mr. Hammond. Doing the grunt work is par for the course of being a rookie in this profession.” Mia didn’t even cast the middle-aged lecher a side glance as she shuffled through the manila folders on her desk. “Moreover, Mr. Armando has been nothing less than an exceptional supervisor.”

Locating the file she’d been rifling for, at last, she waved it triumphantly at Diego, whose workstation was beside hers. Any traces of annoyance she might’ve felt towards the older defense lawyer were vanquished completely as she addressed the Latino.

“Here’s the case file you wanted, Senpai.” A teasing smile played on her comely visage. “Mr. Hammond’s right – I do think I’ve earned a trip to the percolator now. Refill?”

The uncharacteristically tongue-tied Diego could only nod in response as she leaned over and reached for his cup, mesmerized by that beatific beam.

A deep curve on her lips makes the world stop around her. A smile that brings back a plethora of memories in a split second. The precious dimple that crinkles makes the heart skip a beat. She has a smile that makes you feel happy about being alive, and just a bit more human…

He shook his pounding head in disgust. He’d known he was losing his edge, but this was ridiculous! The vixen rendered him speechless. He was nursing a major case of sleep deprivation and the remnants of a hangover. For two cents he would’ve bid this assignment adieu and gone south for some sun but it was too late for that. All he wanted right now was a hot meal and a soft pillow. The thought of a hot, soft wanton was prudently edited from the list as he dragged his gaze from Mia for the hundredth time.

“I’ll have one too, while you’re up, Toots.” Hammond waved his mug in the air.

As Mia obediently came over to take it from him, the placid smile remained plastered on her mien, despite the degrading way she’d been addressed.

An oily leer spread across his craggy, smarmy phizog.

“Looks like the coffee isn’t the only thing that’s perky, huh? Jiggle, jiggle.”

Diego felt his blood beginning to boil, but Mia simply lifted her chin and walked across the room to the coffee pot, although he could see her manicured hands shaking with suppressed anger. She suddenly became acutely aware of her rear end. Hammond must have been staring at it, the infuriating man. She tugged her skirt down and tried not to wiggle as she turned around, carrying two full cups of hot beverage.

“Here’s a heads up for future reference: Jughead Chambers is a sucker for cute, helpless dames with  pretty faces and pleasing… assets!”

Hammond didn’t even try to mask his lascivious appreciation of Mia’s full bust as she approached him with his coffee.

“When the day finally comes that you move past desk jockey duties and into the courtroom, I suggest you keep the Fey Twins on such apt display if you want to sway the judge, Sweetie.”

Madre de Dios! I’ve had it with this turd golem!

Silencio! That’s enough of your trash-talking, Hammond!” Diego pounded his fist onto his desk and glared ferociously at the middle-aged pervert disguised as an attorney. “You shut your goddamn filthy mouth right now before I gladly shut it for you!”

Before the Duke of Douchebaggery could make some sort of rebuttal, Mia held up a hand, flashing him a dazzling smile.

“As much as I appreciate your indignation on my behalf, Mr. Armando, there’s no need for violence. There’s nothing here that I haven’t heard before. Moreover, I must thank Mr. Hammond accordingly for his sage advice to a fledgling, wet behind ears rookie lawyer like myself.”

She coquettishly batted her eyelashes in the astonished Diego’s direction, but not before he missed the quick wink that followed it before turning back to Hammond, holding out his cup to him.

“Here’s your java, Mr. Hammond – Oopsie!”

She suddenly stumbled forward, as though having tripped on the thick carpeting, catching herself by placing her palms down on Hammond’s desk… But not before tipping the entire blistering contents of his coffee mug right onto his crotch.

“EEE-YOWWW!” Hammond’s howl of excruciation was made almost comical by the way he skyrocketed out of his chair, not unlike a hovercraft, his features contorted in agony as he clutched at his soaked, scalded groin area. “These are Italian wool pants!”

“Oh no! How clumsy of silly, helpless little ol’ me!” Mia clapped a hand to her mouth, a picture portrait of dismay. “Shall I fetch you a tissue?”

“ARRRRRGH! My junk is on fire!” Hammond was now writhing in a curled-up ball on the floor. “I might need skin grafts!”

As a fellow man, Diego supposed he should’ve felt some level of empathy that Hammond’s pride and joy probably wouldn’t be functional for quite a while afterward. Nevertheless, all commiseration was banished from his mind as Mia nonchalantly pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and dropped it on the still squirming, supine man beneath her.

“As much as I’m hoping that His Honour would be more impressed by my brains rather than my body when I finally can go to trial, you’ve most assuredly put things into perspective for me, Mr. Hammond,” she cooed sweetly. “I’d like to sincerely thank you for having prepared me to handle just about any situation that might occur so that I don’t come up…all wet.”

She may have seemed every bit the soft and sweet, kitten he’d silently dubbed her (whether the pre-facing sex element to the feline title was intentional or not caused countless hours of speculation on his behalf!), but at the end of the day, it was quite obvious that, unlike a helpless newborn cat, Mia Fey could take care of herself just fine.

Dios Mio, can she ever!

Diego raised his half-empty mug to hide his grin that was a mix of both lament and admiration.

Apparently, his gentlemanly instincts hadn’t been required after all.

This kitten certainly has claws! MEOW!


Police Department’s Records Room – October 2012

After the fire-crotch incident, Hammond wisely gained a newfound solemn, albeit grudging respect for the youngest member of the law office, and never harassed her again. As much as Diego would’ve loved to have believed that his offer to rearrange the man’s ugly mug had something to do with his acquiescence, he knew better. Mia had proven she was a firecracker wrapped up in a very misleading lenity package and all it’d take was the slightest match for her to unleash a spark that’d leave you permanently singed!

It was because of this recently discovered fiery nature that the newly reformed Lothario had no idea how to go about testing the waters to see if the spark between the two of them was reciprocated or entirely in his head! Normally he was never the hesitant sort with women, preferring to be very direct with his seduction approach and making his intentions clear right out of the gate, but none of those methods would apply to the hotheaded beauty.

Moreover, he was becoming more and more certain of the discomfiting notion that what he wanted from Mia was more than just her delectable body.

He wanted all of her – mind, heart, and soul. Not just for now, but forever.

That notwithstanding, he’d never felt such a magnetic attraction towards another woman before in his entire life. The hypnotic allure she instilled in him was nearly irresistible.

Right now, his mind kept straying from his current task at hand, although the defense lawyer could hardly be faulted for being distracted on the job.

Who could focus on legal briefs when in such propinquity to the delicate, feminine scent of the captivating beauty beside him?

She was sitting beside him and helping him rifle through the old case files in the police department records room, a frown of concentration tugged at it, marring her lovely features. The immeasurable heavy drawers may or may not have contained information that would help give them further introspection into the Terry Fawles case.

While he crouched down at her feet doing his shuffling, Mia appeared quite stymied as she sat in the old swivel chair. She was going through the copious files with one hand, while the fingers of her right hand toyed distractedly with the small, nine-shaped, purple pendant that hung on a chain around her graceful, swan-like neck.

Every other inch of creamy flesh that his hungry gaze could feast on, from her throat to her décolletage, and down to those Fey twins that no straining zippered jacket on earth could hide, positively beckoned his hands to reach out and caress every inch of it.

And then follow the trail of his fingers with his lips and tongue…

Diego raked a hand through his thick, unruly mane and tried to resume the suave, cool professional disposition he’d prided himself on all these years and cursed himself for practically drooling like a virginal, hormonal adolescent.

Unaware of her colleague’s losing inner battle with his self-restraint, Mia bit back an angry mutter as she went back through the countless files that she was sure she’d already futilely perused for the umpteenth time. The truth was that being in such proximity to Diego, even closer than at the office, within the cramped confines of this tiny musty room corner, was distracting her more than she cared to admit. The spicy scent of his aftershave was beyond tantalizing and seductive; almost as much as the man who wore it.

This was a fact that was getting harder and harder to ignore as the days went by.

Don’t let him see he makes you nervous! She wished she could slap herself for acting like a sophomoric schoolgirl. Crikey Moses, Mia, he’s a man, not a charging rhinoceros!

Besides, she was fairly certain with Mr. Love Em & Leave Em, she’d done a decent job thus far at hiding the fact that she was having hopelessly romantic notions about him. Luckily, his mind seemed presently preoccupied with things besides the mysteries of biological attraction.

But Lordy, Lordy above, the man was a hunk! Mia knew it was sexist to say hunk, but Diego was a hunk and a half!

She lambasted herself for the mere thought. What did it matter to her that Diego Armando’s looks could have put any Hollywood star to shame? It didn’t. What did it matter to her that this gorgeous tower of masculinity often stared at her as though he found her to be raptly fascinating? He was no different from the other libidinous males of the world who ogled her with only one thing in mind, so his offhand admiring glances shouldn’t have mattered a bit! She reminded herself he was thoroughly arrogant, a lady-killer, and way more macho Latino than she ever wished to contend with. Frankly, he wasn’t even her type!

As though sensing her discomfiture – no doubt the salacious scoundrel was well aware of his appeal to the female masses! – Diego caught her side glance and met it with a knowing smirk, causing her cheeks to burn with embarrassment, and she diverted her gaze back to her task at hand.

Dammit, why couldn’t her first job out of law school have resulted in her having a fat balding toad of a superior to work under? Heck, even Grossberg himself would’ve been preferable – she’d long since learned to tune out his rambling about the lemon-scented fresh days of his youth and his grumbling about his hemorrhoids. But no, God had shown her that He was not only as unyielding as the Rock of Gibraltar, but just as immovable as well. Ergo, in no uncertain terms, Mia was stuck being the underling of Señor Sexy McSexington – whether she wanted to or not!

“Any luck, Miss Fey?” Drawled Mr. Hotter Than A Jalapeno, a smug smile tilting the corners of his lips. “Find anything useful?”

Mia sat back in her chair and gave him the most disgruntled look she could muster considering she found his smile smoulderingly sexy. She didn’t need sexy. She didn’t need this Adonis creating havoc on her senses five days a week and making her bones go limp every time she looked at him. How would she ever get any work done going around with limp bones?

“I need to get out of here,” she announced brusquely, practically jumping out of her chair and stepping away from him; desperately needing to put some distance between them. “It’s Friday night, and it’s later than I realized. Maya’s taking the train down from the village for the weekend, and I told her to meet us at the law office at 7:00. It’s 6:30 already. I promised to take her out for dinner, and I can’t be late. Do you mind if we just take a look at these evidence files with a fresh set of eyes on Monday morning?”

She’d leaped out of her seat so abruptly that she didn’t see the ankle-high stack of files on the floor next to her, and nearly toppled over. However, Diego quickly shot up, and his arms went around her in an automatic reaction to save her from falling. The body-against-body contact was brief, yet Mia felt as if she’d run directly into the sun, the heat was so intense. Carnal awareness exploded through her, shattering her sense of calm into a bazillion shards

His hands were gripping her upper arms, and his fingertips inadvertently brushed the soft outer swell of her breasts. The shock of the contact instantly derailed his train of thought. How it’d feel to cup his hands beneath those firm, feminine globes of flesh? Heat surged through him in a wildfire of desire.

“I guess it doesn’t matter if I agree or not since we came here in your car.” Locking his gaze on hers, he held his breath tightly in his lungs and willed his concentration back. The strain came through his sandpaper voice. “Looks like I have no choice but to hitch a ride back with you.”

Mystic Ami help me! The notion of being crammed into her tiny car with Rico Sauvé after this latest episode of sexual tension was the last thing Mia needed in the world, but it looked like she didn’t have much of a choice!

In the meantime, why didn’t he back off and give her some room? Being wedged between the wall and his body was having a devastating effect on her mind. Her eyes kept drifting to the width of his shoulders and chest. A sculptor couldn’t have carved a more artistic representation of the male animal. Even under his dress shirt, his demarcated muscles visibly flexed and rippled under the overhead fluorescent lighting, which did nothing to detract from his masculine beauty; it only emphasized the fact that he was walking, talking mass of smoldering sensuality. The lines of his tanned visage struck her as being semi-exotic, defined, yet still blatantly male; the high cheekbones, the straight nose, the finely chiseled mouth. It was a strikingly featured, sinfully handsome face. A strong face. And the strength continued down the corded muscles of his neck to his broad shoulders.

“I’m okay, you caught me in time.” Mia’s breath was running out of her in fluttering ribbons. “You – you can let go of me now.”

“As you wish. But there’s no need to be skittish, Miss Fey,” he murmured, his gaze locked on hers, all the while making no move to release her whatsoever. “I’ll let you go – if that’s what you truly want me to do…”

Mia felt she had plenty to be edgy about! The coil of desire tightened inside her. The feel of Diego’s rock-hard thighs brushing against her. The fact that she couldn’t drag her eyes away from the sharply firm lines of his mouth. At the moment, she was more afraid of this unfamiliar, unignorable sensual thrall between them than she’d ever been frightened of anything in her entire life.

Electricity ran down her back in warm rivulets. Her bosom seemed to heat and swell at his accidental touch. A burning sensation ran from her chest and continued southbound to pool and swirl in the most feminine part of her.

Ultimately, self-preservation made Mia jerk herself free from his grasp.

“Let’s get going then.”

She desperately tried to turn her mind away from the tension that was still lingering between them, so thick you could’ve cut it with a katana blade.

To her dismay, she found her mental power steering had gone out, and her thoughts kept veering back to Diego’s large, masculine hands brushing against her breasts. It was the first time since university that a man had touched her – that she’d even allowed to touch her – even accidentally.

Stifling a groan, she cleared her throat and forced her thoughts back to the conversation.

“I don’t want to keep my baby sister waiting.”

Diego stared after her as she raced off like the hounds of hell were on her tail. Since there was no cold shower available to cool off from their heated, almost encounter, he opted to stay back for a few moments to pull himself together, as well as tidy up the mess of files, including the pile that’d nearly knocked Mia off her feet, and consequently end up in his arms.

When he came outside to the parking lot a short time later, he found her leaning over the open hood of her ancient Ford Pinto while emitting a daisy chain of expletives that would’ve made a sailor blush.

“Car trouble?” He inquired mildly.

“The blasted thing start won’t start!” She grumbled. “I’m sure it’s the alternator that’s finally gone kaput. But I can’t tell because the engine makes a pathetic wheezing sound every time I put the key in the ignition, and then sputters and dies!”

“Shall I take a gander?”

He was pleased to have the opportunity to play knight in shining armor. Diego loved tinkering with cars. He’d paid his way through law school helping at his uncle’s garage, learning enough about the fundamentals of mechanics to start up his own auto shop if he ever tired of being a lawyer.

“I’m quite handy with these things… Hold it! What are you doing?

He’d already been in the process of rolling up the sleeves of his shirt and unbuttoning his vest so it wouldn’t get grease on it when he saw, to his utter incredulity, that Mia was slightly hiking up her skirt and reaching her fingers underneath the waistband to tug at something.

“Taking off my stockings,” she replied blithely, as though it were obvious. She carelessly propped one foot up against the fender and bent her knee, giving him a prolonged view of her long, perfectly shaped leg, now bared from its sheer nylon casing, and then repeated the action with the other, like this was an everyday event. “I’ve read somewhere that for old cars like mine, the pantyhose trick works as a temporary fix for vehicles with v-belts.”

The gobsmacked defense attorney watched as she nonchalantly removed her blazer, revealing toned slender arms that were uncovered by the silky sleeveless blouse she wore beneath the jacket, and went to work.

“Let me help,” he insisted gallantly, admiring her independent streak while at the same time wishing she’d let him be helpful for a change! “We don’t want you breaking a nail or sullying those delicate hands with nasty grease.”

“Sure,” she answered distractedly, already in full operation mode “Two bolts are holding the alternator in place… Could you go into my glove compartment and get me that rag so I can loosen them?”

“They’re probably on there really tight.” He couldn’t resist one last-ditch effort to prove his industriousness. “Do you want some additional elbow grease?”

Mia raised her head at last. Her gaze lingered on his upper torso, now free from its vest, and the sinewy muscles on his forearms, fully exposed now that he’d rolled back the sleeves, for only a split second, before shaking her head and dropping her eyes.

“Don’t worry, I’m stronger than I look! It’s a Fey trait.” She resumed the task at hand. “I know this is only a temporary fix. It’ll create just enough friction on the pulleys to get them moving for the short trip back to the office, but at least I can get to my sister. I can worry about getting it towed to a garage later. Now then, if you indeed want to be helpful, there is something you can do for me.”

“Name it,” he replied automatically, try not to sound relieved at the idea of being able to show off some of his mechanical skills. “What can I do?”

“As soon as I get the pantyhose in place, would you mind turning the key in the ignition and seeing if the car starts?”

The seemingly menial nature of the assigned task made Diego feel like a cumberworld in every sense as the man was forced to essentially stand there and look ornamental – whilst the fairer sex did the dirty grunt grunt work! As much as he could appreciate just how far women’s liberation had come over the years… He was now also starting to despise it with the burning passion of a thousand suns!

Meeting Maya was an unexpected pleasure. She was a plucky, sanguine adolescent, petite in stature and cute as a button. While there was essentially no physical resemblance to her glamorous older sister, he’d noted that the teenager’s lambert dark eyes, which her black Shetland pony bangs kept falling into, bore the same playful sparkle as the elder Fey’s whenever she was in a daffing mood.

When they’d gotten back to the office, Mia had needed to call a tow truck for her car, as it’d died the moment they’d gotten to the office parking lot. The effervescent Maya had implored Diego to join them for the night since he’d valiantly offered to drive them to the girls’ favorite fast-food restaurant, The Burger Queen.

Happy to play the needed role of chauffeur for the stranded damsels, he’d at least hoped he could treat them to a fun night out, too, but Mia had immediately vetoed it. The intransigent mule of a woman had staunchly insisted on paying for his food as well as theirs, insisting that it was her way of repaying him for driving them around.

Her firm no-nonsense tone left zero room for any sort of rebuttal.

It was unfathomable that the woman he was crazy about could make him feel so happy… yet emasculated at the same time! How was he ever going to sweep her off her feet and woo her when she wouldn’t let him?

The evening had been wonderful though. Maya was every bit the embarrassing little sister, unabashedly teasing Mia about her and Diego being special someone’s and slyly confiding in a stage whisper that she’d heard so much about him from her older sibling that she felt as if she knew him already! She’d then made a big show of putting Mia in the middle when they’d gone to a movie afterward, giving him no choice but to sit beside the calescent defense attorney during the film (and feeling tingles shoot up his arm, and straight to his chest whenever their fingers would brush in the shared popcorn bucket in his lap). The pint-sized Maya, a.k.a. the human garburator, despite having demolished two sumo-sized burger combos at the restaurant had still managed to put away an entire large-size bucket of popcorn and bathtub-sized soft drink all by herself!

That girl is going to have to marry rich! The amused lawyer thought to himself. I pity the poor, unsuspecting man who gets saddled with this future burger queen down the line – if he doesn’t already have deep pockets, he’s going to have to get a second mortgage to be able to afford to feed her!

Maya had insisted they see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2. Diego surmised if suffering through two insufferable hours of pansy-ass, sparkling teenage vampires (he’d rather have spent the afternoon listening to Grossberg’s ‘roid and anal fissure issues!) wasn’t enough proof that he was head over heels, he wasn’t sure what was!


Shopping Mall – December 2012

 

Diego was at a complete loss about how to win the heart of this maddening, wonderful, obstinate woman! At the very least, he’d hoped to surprise her with a wonderful Christmas present. The investigation opportunity presented itself while they’d been Christmas shopping for a present for Grossberg – (however applicable, they’d agreed that Preparation H would’ve been entirely inappropriate for a boss gift!) – and had opted instead for a dapper and cufflinks set. Naturally, she’d insisted they split the price 50/50, despite the steep cost, and the fact that he made far more than she did on her rookie lawyer salary. However, when he’d tried to steer the topic towards her own wish list, to his chagrin, he’d hit yet another dead end.

“So what are your holiday plans?”

“Maya’s coming down Christmas Eve. Normally I’d go up to the village, but Pearl and my Aunt Morgan have colds and aren’t feeling overly festive – so it’ll be her first Noël in LA. I can’t wait to see her face when she opens all her presents – although I think I may have gone a bit overboard!”

She gestured sheepishly to the half-dozen shopping bags in her hands; he’d gallantly offered to carry the other dozen!

“I know I’ve spoiled her rotten this year, but it’s my only way of trying to make up for us being apart so much since I moved down here.” A gusty sigh. “I miss that kid so much. She’s my whole world.”

“I’ve seen how much Maya adores you,” he’d assured her. “I’m sure spending Christmas with her big sister is the greatest gift of all.”

In the end, since jewelry, perfume and lingerie were all too personal, he could only hope she’d be happy with the Cordyline stricta he’d surprise her with at the office after the Christmas break (he feared it’d wilt being unattended while they were closed for the holidays). The Slender Palm Lily plant was pretty and graceful, like the giftee herself, and seemed about as neutral as he could get without revealing his true underlying feelings.

She’d seriously left him with no other choice since his gift-probing efforts had been an utter bust! Her non-answer had made him want to bang his head against a wall!

“What about you, though?” He’d fervently hoped he sounded casual with the inquiry. “During this shopping spree you did for Maya, was there anything, in particular, you’re hoping Santa will surprise you with underneath your tree?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Another sigh. “Christmas is so much harder when you get older, you know? It’s like, how to answer the proverbial question of what do you want this year? I don’t know… maybe a sense of purpose? Financial security? Could use more sleep, a bottle of wine, and maybe some new bras?”

With that last comment, Diego had been forced to bite his tongue so hard, he was sure he would have permanent teeth marks on it!


Grossberg Law Offices – December 24, 2012

 

Sitting in the office now, Diego mentally went over every detail of his friendship with Mia over the last few months and realized that save for those stolen moments at the police department, he had zero indication that he wasn’t living out a Bob Marley song. That he wasn’t “Waiting In Vain” for a love that would never be his.

His gut instincts told him that Mia was at least attracted to him… But that wasn’t enough.

Ironically, it’d be the first time in his life that feeding the kitty simply wouldn’t suffice. There was no way he’d even fathom risking the potential messiness of getting involved with somebody from the office; not unless he thought it could be something real and long-lasting.

And he wasn’t sure she was interested in that with him at all.

Even though he’d known her less than a year, Diego could no longer remember what his life had been like before Mia had come along and brightened up his world.

Just the mere sight of her helps to get me through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to my face. In her presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but I find I’m quite content in just having her nearby. Things that never interested me before – late work nights, shopping, teenybopper movies become fascinating because I know they are important to her, this kitten who’s become so special to me.

The sadistic shop owner of the convenience store beneath the office had left his Christmas music on overnight, so the repetitive festive Muzak soundtrack in the background set the scene. Never being the overly sentimental type, Diego generally found Christmas music to be trite and positively mind-numbing. However, at that moment, the songs carrying up from below went unnoticed as he continued to mull over his seemingly unrequited ardor.

It wasn’t mere lust that he felt for Mia. Of this he was positive. So just what was this feeling?!

“Sometimes I wish I knew how to quit you!” He idly tapped his pen against his notepad. “It’s tiring to think about you all the time. It’s unnerving to keep getting jealous of everyone else, wondering if the delivery guy who brought us pizza the other night who was flirting with you has a better chance with you than I do. Glaring balefully at every man who dares give you a second – and third! – glance whenever I’m with you and wish I could pop them right in the nose! You make me selfish, and insecure. There are days I wish I could get rid of this certain addiction for you that I can’t quite understand.”

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind, or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you vainly hope to experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you…

He was shaken from his thoughts when he heard the song from the Polar Express movie playing. It’d been a favorite holiday film as a child, but right now, he wasn’t hearing the actual lyrics. While he wasn’t maudlin enough to be singing along to Christmas songs, against his own volition, his mind seemed intent on making personalized verses to the hauntingly beautiful melody.


{Diego}

I’ve loved her from afar
Too long to be believed
I wish upon a star
Her heart’s mine to receive
She makes my mind feel dizzy
Turned my world upside down
I hope someday that kitten comes around


 

Mouth dries up when she’s near
Strange feelings so unknown
Rejection’s what I fear…
I pine for her alone
Keep faith that we’re meant to be
Can’t let spirits get down
I hope someday that kitten comes around


Fire, brains and beauty like I’ve never seen
Everything I’ve wanted, woman of my dreams
There’s a spark between us, my soul cannot deceive
Wishing that she feels…the same


Fire, brains and beauty like I’ve never seen
Everything I’ve wanted, woman of my dreams
There’s a spark between us, my soul cannot deceive
Wishing that she feels…the same


When she laughs, angels sing
And smiles replace my frowns
All the joy that she brings
Never fails to astound
And on this night of Christmas Eve
Star wishes run abound
I hope someday that kitten comes around


Glancing down at his notepad with a start, Diego was stupefied to realize that not only his brain but consequently, his hand, as though he no longer bore full control of it, had been scribbling down the personalized lyrics on the paper.

It was hardly Shakespearean-worthy prose; he’d readily accepted that as a poet, he was an utter balladmonger. Nonetheless, Mia was poetry…yet he couldn’t read.

I saw in her eyes, all the poetry I didn’t dare to write.

He let out a wistful sigh and murmured the last scrawled verse under his breath.


{Diego}

I pray someday that kitten comes around…


“What are you still doing at the office, Senpai?”

He blinked in confusion. The holiday season must be getting to him. No doubt hearing a song about children’s Noël miracles was the indisputable reason his deceitful eyes were making him believe that the object of his affection had unexpectedly materialized in the doorway, like some sort of miraculous Christmas Angel.

He clenched his bleary eyes shut, but when he opened them again, Mia was still standing there, her head tilted to the side as she regarded him with a puzzled smile.

Springing into action, he quickly shoved the incriminating evidence of his lovesick status into his jacket pocket and cleared his throat.

“Just catching up on some paperwork. But I could ask you the same question – what are you doing here, Miss Fey?”

“Maya missed the 5:00 train from Kurian village, so she caught a later one. It’s a two-hour trip, so she won’t be down for a couple of hours. I’d just gotten home when I realized that some of the files I promised to work on over the holiday were still sitting on my desk,” Mia explained. “And since I now had some extra time to kill while I wait for her to come down, I thought I’d come back and grab them. But I didn’t think that you’d still be here this late – it’s dark out already!”

Squizzing down at his watch, Diego realized she was right. It was 8:30 already; definitely, time for him to get out of there. He could continue La Douleur Exquise over the sorry state of his love life from the privacy of his own home!

“Where did you park?” He asked. “When ducked out to grab a bite to eat a few hours ago, the parking lot was full when I got back.”

“It still is. I guess the other businesses around us are having their office party tonight. I had to park a couple of blocks away, but there’s a shortcut through the alley.”

He frowned.

“I don’t like the idea of you going through alleys by yourself at this hour. I’m going to walk you to your car.”

“You don’t have to do that!” She protested. “I’m a big girl – I can take care of myself.”

“And I’m a gentleman and as long as we’re in this office… Your immediate supervisor,” he shot back with a grin, although his tone was unyielding. It was his turn to be stubborn now. “And I am making it my holiday decree to have you escorted safely to your vehicle on this festive evening where looters and winos run rampant through the city, Miss Fey. No objections!”

“Whatever you say,” she joked, taking the arm he offered her once they were outside.

They walked along and companionable silence, and then, against his better judgement, they ended up taking the shortcut she insisted upon through the dark alley, and they were halfway through the lane when disaster struck.

The gunman in the ski mask appeared to jump out of nowhere, shoving the barrel of his pistol right into Diego’s face before he had a chance to react.

“Watch. Wallet. Now,” growled the thief, cocking the hammer. “And don’t try any funny business, see?”

“You can have my watch,” Diego assured him tersely, giving a silent note of thanks that he’d only worn his cheap Rolex knock-off that day and that he didn’t carry much cash in his billfold. “I’m just reaching into my pants pocket to get my wallet…”

“Nice and slow,” the robber hissed, now pointing the gun at Mia, who was frozen in fear. “And I think I’ll take that pretty little glowing pendant around your neck, too, lady.”

“My – my magatama?” She stammered, her hands flying protectively over the mystical gemstone.
“B – but this isn’t even made from any sort of precious, or even semiprecious stone! It’s purely sentimental family value… You won’t garner even a penny trying to sell it…”

Diego had no idea what the significance of the strangely shaped object dangling from Mia’s chain was, or why she’d be risking her life with an armed robber over it. However, he recalled that Maya wore a very similar one around her neck, and surmised it must be some sort of Fey heirloom, which meant it was very important to her.

Which meant he couldn’t let it be taken away.

He placed a protective arm around her shoulder while still reaching for his wallet with his free hand.

“This ring on my finger is pure silver,” he offered bravely. “I’m not sure how much you can pawn it for, but it’s yours if you’ll just leave the lady alone.”

“Why not both?” The masked bandit snarled, jabbing his gun into Diego’s shoulder and producing a switchblade with his free hand, which he was now waving at Mia. “Give me that necklace.”

“No!” Diego shouted, more alarmed by the sharp metal blade that was now inches from his friend’s terrified face than at the gun pressed against his own body. “Leave her alone!”

He quickly spun his body around so Mia was fully shielded by him and attempted to knock the gun out of the mugger’s hand. He was only partially successful, because as the pistol fell to the cement, his swift action resulted in the disquieted criminal jerking forward with the knife, slashing deeply into the defense attorney’s arm. The stinging sensation from the bloody wound shocked him into releasing his protective grip on his protégé, who dropped to the ground but tucked into a roll so she wasn’t hurt by the fall. He was still standing between her and the robber, listening intently for the sound of her retreating footsteps, hoping she’d run to safety and call for help.

Instead, a loud cry pierced the night.

“WHAAAAAAAA!”

“Holy bat, Shitman!” The robber croaked, just as he was propelled backward by a Straight Blast shot, the famous signature fist move of the legendary movie star martial artist, Bruce Lee.

Glancing down at his exposed chest, where a couple of shirt buttons had become undone in the scuffle, Diego was dimly cognizant of the clear imprint bearing Mia’s nine-shaped pendant on the skin of his chest, where he’d all but crushed her against him, a sensation that was dulled as he clutched his free hand to his injured shoulder and saw his fingers were a glistening ruby red.

¡Ay, caramba! He thought dazedly as he sank to his knees onto the cold pavement. I must be bleeding to death…or at least be hallucinating. How else to explain the inexplicable, humanly impossible sight I just witnessed?!

Diego tried to keep his eyes open. He could hear sirens in the distance and loud voices shouting, “Freeze, pal! LAPD!” But his lids kept drifting shut.

If only he weren’t so damned woozy. If only he could clear the fuzz out of his brain, he was sure he could have figured out what was going out there. But at that moment, he didn’t believe he could figure out two plus two.

He squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again, Mia was bent over him, concern etched in every feature of her heart-shaped face. She sure is gorgeous, he noted, needing something to fasten his mind on. Her teeth dug into her full lower lip. He yearned to know if they tasted as sweet as they looked – he imagined them to be like the cherry Coke she’d had at the movie theater a few months ago. What was the film called again? Breaking Wind? His mind was too foggy to remember.

She reached down and stroked his cheek with fingertips that felt like icicles on his burning skin. She was worried about him. It was there in her lovely brown eyes but he could feel the cerebrating more than see it. He grasped it with a sense that had no name and wasn’t counted among the five most normally used. He could feel Mia’s concern. And he wondered just before he lost consciousness what it’d be like to let down his guard and have this woman’s concern touch his innermost self; the lonely man he kept locked inside him behind walls of wariness and cynicism and hidden behind a never-ending parade of inconsequential lovers… until she’d come along.

Heaven. It would be like heaven. But heaven was a long way out of his reach.

Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he was already dead.

How else could one possibly explain that his heavenly savior; the one who’d restrained his assailant that night by performing the iconic Jeet Kune Do fighting moves, popularized by Bruce Lee… had been none other than the late Dragon himself?!

While wearing Mia’s work clothes?!


Hickfield Clinic – December 24, 2012

 

ER Dr. Suhkdeep Mann had diagnosed Diego’s heroically attained shoulder injury as a deep enough laceration to require stitches, then cautioned that tetanus shots tended to have a very sedative effect. Ergo, the Latino would be zonked out for a while. However, he’d assured the unnerved Mia that the defense attorney would be just fine in a day or so, and probably be home for Christmas.

Hearing the news of this holiday miracle was the greatest gift of all.

As Diego moaned in his sleep, she responded to him on an instinctive level and bent over him to stroke a soothing hand along the rough, beard-shadowed plane of his cheek. The action was as automatic as breathing.

Unable to stop herself, Mia reached out with one finger and traced the length of his arm. It was a trail that followed the hills and valleys of muscles of a man who used his body as well as his mind. The hair on the back of his forearm rasped gently against her fingertips and tingles of awareness shot through her. She pulled her hand away as if his fevered skin had singed her. Her gaze jerked back up to his shoulder where a fresh bandage covered the knife wound.

Why had he gone through such extremes for her? Diego, with the devilish charm who could have any woman he chose? He was a riddle inside a puzzle inside a dangerously handsome facade.

Despite her relief, Mia had every intention of giving that man a piece of her mind as soon as he woke up! She wasn’t the sort of person who craved a lot of excitement. She didn’t need to get involved with people who took potentially getting shot in stride as a normal hazard of their everyday lives! She couldn’t believe he’d nearly gotten himself killed over her!

The brave, wonderful, noble, hot as sin…idiot!

Romanticizing again, Mia scolded herself and nibbled on her lip. Who’s the idiot now?!

In all fairness, it was difficult not to fantasize about the circumstances. She felt like the heroine of a historical novel; a damsel nursing a fallen knight – who happened to be more handsome than the devil himself.

With a sigh, she sat back and studied him as he settled into a deeper sleep, absently rubbing her magatama between her thumb and forefinger. He was full of surprises, just like Pandora’s Box. And like the girl in the story, she had an irresistible urge to open the box, even though she knew how unwise it could be.

Who was he? She wondered, trying frantically to get her mind off his anatomy. Where was he from? What was his family background? How could she be so attracted to him without knowing these vital bits of information? She wasn’t the sort to fall for a man based on looks alone.

It wasn’t just that. She’d spent more than enough time with Diego to know by now that there was a lot more to him than what pleasingly met the eye.

Which meant now she was in real peril.

“The stress of what happened tonight is making you irrational,” Mia muttered to herself. “That’s the only logical explanation. You’re not seriously falling for Diego Armando!”

Her entire body seemed to reject the statement she’d just made.

Admittedly, the physical attraction had been there from the minute she’d walked into that law office and first heard his sexy bedroom voice.

Lust. There wasn’t anything rational or logical about it.

An ominous sense of certainty descended over her.

Who was she kidding? This was more than mere lust and she damn well knew it!

From the very first time she’d gazed into those intense dark eyes, Mia knew that she was hopelessly lost.

In those earthy hues was his soul, not in the way of those cheesy romance novels, so obsessed with carnality, but with the kind of beauty that expanded a moment into a personal eternity; heaven you wished to be a part of.

Her slim shoulders rose and fell with her sigh of defeat. She couldn’t have picked a more difficult man if she’d held auditions for the part. Under his Don Juan exterior, she sensed Diego was jaded, sardonic, and, despite being a ladies’ man, a loner.

But he was also smart and warm and protective and kind…

There were no two ways about it – the darn man needed love. He deserved love.

She wasn’t exactly sure when it’d happened. Or even when it’d started. All she knew for sure was that right here and now, she was falling like a ton of bricks, and she could only pray that he was feeling the same way.

I want to be everything you could ever need. Let me be the sun peeking through the clouds after a storm. Let me be the eyes you look into, the eyes you lose track of time in, the eyes that can heal wounds neither of us can see. Let me be the piece that makes you whole again, to complete your soul. Let me be the song you can never get out of your head, the song playing on repeat all day every day. Let me be the smile you can never forget, that grin you always want to see. Let me be these things and I promise I’ll never let you down.

Now she was in even deeper peril.

“Jiminy Christmas,” she muttered with a sigh of resignation. Why did she have to be such a blasted romantic? In college, her best friend had always counseled her to hang onto that trait. Lana Skye had claimed that the world needed more romantics. Maybe that was true, but why the heck did she have to be one of them?!


Hickfield Clinic – December 24, 2012

 

The next morning, Maya insisted on accompanying Mia to the hospital to check on Diego. Her little sister seemed to have acquired the hugest crush on the defense attorney since their night at the movies. She also wouldn’t stop teasingly referring to him as her ‘future brother-in-law,’ despite Mia’s blushing protests.

The moment they’d gotten to his floor, the spirit medium had asserted that, despite having eaten a special Yuletide breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes (shaped like Santa hats and Christmas bells) only half an hour ago, she was hungry – yet again! Naturally, she’d then begged for some grub from the cafeteria.

Mia never could say no to those pleading, puppy-dog brown eyes. She doubted the poor future sucker her sister would end up (and consequently eat out of his house and home!) would be able to, either!

With a resigned laugh, Mia decided that rather than bring her bottomless pit of a sibling along and risk having her order everything on the menu, she’d have the teen wait for her outside Diego’s room while she made the quick food run. Her meager pockets could only afford some chips and just a few other munchies – she simply didn’t make enough money to keep that child fully satiated on her rookie attorney salary!

When she returned, arms laden with snacks, she was surprised to see Maya wasn’t sitting in the hallway anymore. Puzzled, she peeked her head into the room – and then froze in the doorway.

Nothing could’ve prepared Mia for the sight before her, or for the effect that it’d have on her heart.

Diego was sitting up in bed, bronze chest bared and dark hair tousled, looking impossibly masculine and gorgeous despite needing a shave. Maya was sitting on the bed laughing gleefully beside him, jabbering away a mile a minute.

“I can’t believe Sis never explained we’re from a long line of spirit mediums!” She was crowing. “Boy, do you two ever have a load of catching up to do! Turns out you weren’t hallucinating last night; you did see Bruce Lee kick that mugger’s ass last night! Although by the time the detective got there – I forgot what she said his name was… Gumtree? Suede Shoe? – the thug was knocked out cold! So, in the end, Sis saved the day with her awesome channeling powers!”

“I had no idea I was working alongside such a spiritual powerhouse, although I’m most fortunate that she’s on my side.” Diego’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled fondly at Maya. “I’m also a lucky man to have woken up to such a special visitor in my room!” He tapped her on the nose. “You must be my Christmas present!”

Maya giggled again and smiled at him adoringly.

“Lord, don’t do this to me,” Mia whispered weakly. She was too exhausted and too emotionally drained right now to fight off the wave of emotions that’d assaulted her upon seeing that big, macho lawyer warming the heart of her baby sister. Wearily she closed her eyes.

In a flash, every memory she had of her time with the java lover passed through her mind – his initial arrogance… the way he’d risen to protect her from Hammond’s lechery… the way he’d endured watching that train-wreck vampire movie (although comparing it to a train wreck wasn’t fair to train wrecks, because people wanted to watch those!) … going Christmas shopping with her … the way he always made her laugh during their late-night work sessions…

She thought of the incredible physical magnetism that drew her to him. Then she opened her eyes and regarded him again as he bent his dark head and murmured something that made Maya let out another peal of laughter.

And in that instant, Mia fell completely, hopelessly totally in love with Diego Armando.

It wasn’t a pleasant thing. It wasn’t flowers and church bells and bird songs. It was a long, hard fall down a bumpy hill to the rocks of reality. She was in love with a man who distanced himself from people. He kept to himself behind a wall speaking with a silver tongue and offering lovers physical ecstasy, but nothing deeper of himself. She didn’t want to be in love with him. Any woman with an ounce of common sense would’ve taken one look and known this Casanova was nothing but a heartbreaker.

That had to mean she didn’t have a shred of intelligence then, because she was looking at him now and all she wanted was to go join him on that bed, have him take her in those muscular arms, and hold her.

The fingers of her left hand curled around the smooth wood of the door frame as if to keep her from giving in to that desire.

Diego looked up and saw her looming in the doorway, beaming from ear to ear at the sight of her.

“Good morning, Miss Fey. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” She met his smile with a bashful one of her own. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” His brain felt like steel wool his shoulder throbbed and his skin hurt all over but these complaints seemed minor enough to fit under the heading of “fine.”

All that mattered was he was alive

“How long have I been out?” Diego asked, scratching at the stubble that covered his lean cheeks.

“About 12 hours,” she answered as she flitted about his room like a hyperactive butterfly, straightening things that had already been straightened a dozen times and had never needed it in the first place.

Maya’s eyes lit up as she saw the armful of goodies Mia was carrying.

“Swiss Rolls!” She chirped merrily, pouncing upon them like a ravenous lion. “Ooooh…and burger-flavored potato chips! Huzzah!”

“I hope they tide you over for at least the morning,” Mia said dryly. “They were all I could afford! I don’t know what’s more gouging – the parking rates at this hospital, or how much they charge for so-called food!”

“They should tide me over for an hour at least!” Maya replied cheerfully through a mouthful of chocolate goodness. “Although I’m sure I could’ve picked something more filling if you’d just let me go with you!”

“If I’d done that, I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent!” Mia laughed as the girl ripped open the peppermint candies and fed Diego one. “Slow down, Maya; you’re acting like you haven’t eaten in a month! It’s like Aunt Morgan doesn’t feed you at all!”

“All we eat in the village are vegetables!” Maya exclaimed plaintively. “And Aunty doesn’t let me have any snacks in between meals, because she says feeling semi-starved is better for harnessing spiritual powers!”

“Tell you what, Maya,” Diego ventured smoothly. “If you reach into my jacket hanging on that chair and grab my wallet, I’ll give you some money to go get yourself some real food from the cafeteria. How’s that sound?”

“Super-duper!” Maya eagerly hopped up and went rifling through his coat pockets, retrieving the leather billfold. A crumpled sheet of paper fell to the floor as she did so, and the defense attorney grew visibly flustered as she held it up. “Hey, what’s this?”

“Nothing!” Diego replied quickly, already extending his palm. “Could you hand that here, please?”

Shrugging, Maya passed him the notebook page, which he quickly shoved under the blanket. Then she pecked him on the cheek as she grabbed a $20 bill from the wallet.

“Thanks a bunch, Diego! You’re the best! Merry Christmas, and get well soon!”

Feliz Navidad, Preciosa,” he replied indulgently, waiting until Maya had left the room before turning to Mia with a raised brow.

“Spirit channeling, huh? And Bruce Lee, of all people! It’ll always be: go big or go home with you, won’t it?”

“I didn’t think I’d even still be capable of it… It’s been years,” Mia admitted shyly. “Though I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. I wanted to let you know that while I’m very grateful to you and so glad that you’re going to be alright, I’m also incredibly sorry that you got hurt defending me.”

“I tried to defend you,” he corrected wryly. “In the end, you just proved for the umpteenth time that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and don’t need my help for anything.”

He flashed a crooked grin.

“All I did was cause myself minor contretemps by getting injured in the process!”

“What on earth is this pettifog about?” She gasped in dismay. “I admit that I’d learned to rely on my own means since I moved out of the village and into the city, but let’s get real! Diego, that man had a knife and a gun… If you hadn’t distracted and disarmed him with your temerity, we could both be dead right now!”

“Nonetheless, I’m not the one who beat the snot out of the perpetrator, as your sister so colorfully explained, and then gave him the big KO!” He let out a humorless laugh. “That was all you.”

“Will you stop being such a chauvinistic brute already?!” She retorted indignantly, bewildered and hurt by his somewhat rancorous tone. “I did what I had to do to ensure we both survived the attack! Would you rather I’d allowed us to be at the mercy of that lunatic? What the heck is your problem?”

“My problem is that you’re a difficult woman to stack up against, Mia Fey!” He snapped back. “From the moment I met you, all I’ve wanted to do was be there for you, help you, protect you! Alas, all my efforts have bombed so hard, they made the H-bomb look like a two-inch salute!”

Mia felt as though she’d been slapped. She felt terrible if she’d somehow made him feel that way – but at the same time, she didn’t want to have to apologize for who she was.

“Well, forgive me for having grown accustomed to being independent and not some simpering damsel in distress who needs to rely on a man for every little thing!” She bit back. “I guess playing the role of the cute, helpless female in accordance with how that slimebag vulgarian initially treated me is the only thing that’d ever make a behindhand, sexist jerk-face like you happy!”

“Objection! I never wanted you to be something you’re not!” He cried in frustration. “You’re perfect just the way you are – which only makes it that much harder for a man like me to try to wow you!”

Mia reeled back in shock, and Diego sighed deeply. He softened his tone, the picture of utter dejection now as he regarded her with hapless espresso orbs.

“From day one, the only thing I’ve ever truly been peccable of was wanting to impress you… Mia.”

Why?” She blurted out before she could stop herself. “I’m already completely in love with you!”

Diego’s eyes widened at her outburst, and she clapped a hand over her mouth, feeling her face burning behind her palm as she awaited his reaction with bated breath.

Her proclamation hung in the air for what seemed like a million agonizing minutes, until he spoke, at last, his cadence laced with awe.

“These are some heavy meds they gave me here.” His tone was filled with wonder. “They must give the power to grant your greatest wish…assuming I didn’t hallucinate what I thought I just heard you say?”

For a minute, Mia’s courage almost failed her, but then she steeled her nerves and met his eyes steadily. This time, she didn’t look away as she spoke the words left unsaid for far too long.

“You say you’ve been trying to impress me … yet I’m the one who still gets butterflies even though I’ve seen you hundreds of times.” Her voice trembled. “Remember how you asked me what I wanted for Christmas?”

He nodded silently.

“Well, all I want for Christmas … is you, Diego. That’s it.” Mia’s lips quivered. “I want you, with all your mistakes. All your flaws, smiles, jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want you.”

Her eyes sparkled with heartfelt, the light making them look alive. Their light topaz color was soft, the exact shade of the gemstone. A ring of gold hung inside her iris, adding another layer of depth to her already beautiful orbs.

“I have died every day waiting for you. Diego, don’t be afraid. I have loved you for a thousand years, and I’ll love you for a thousand more. I’ve waited long enough, but I’ll wait even longer if it means someday you’ll love me, too…”

Nothing could’ve prepared Diego for the rush of wonder flooding through him from his declaration. The irrevocable power of those three magic words was unequivocally rhapsodic, mind-blowing, exhilarating … and everything he ever could have wanted in this whole world.

Without uttering a word, he slid the crumpled note from under the blanket and pressed it into her palm, his eyes never leaving her face as she read the song lyrics that he’d penned the night before. Tears of joy began to roll down her cheeks, and he tenderly wiped them away with his thumb.

Mi gatita,” he uttered hoarsely, already reaching for her face to draw her to him, his heart in his eyes. “Te quiero con todo mi alma.”

Yo también te quiero, Diego Armando.” She stroked his cheek. “Siempre.”

Eres el amor de mi vida, Mia Fey,” he vowed, resting his forehead against hers. “I would not only give up all the women in the world for you, but I’d even give up coffee for you.”

She began to giggle helplessly as he added, “but I know you love me too much to ever ask.”

“Don’t tempt me, Señor Java!”

“You’ve been tempting me with those divine lips from the moment I saw you,” he growled. “Let me finally give in to my sinful temptations, my enchantress.”

He put a hand under her chin. As soon as she tilted her head up toward him, he placed his palm on her cheek. He leaned over, inching toward her lips, as she struggled to decide whether or not to close her eyes. When his lips brushed hers, her eyes closed on their own. It was a gentler kiss than she’d expected from him, full of invitation, but no pressure.

Mia’s lips accepted the overture. There was no way she could even try to resist. So, she leaned into him, kissing him back with all the pent-up love and longing in her heart. Her mouth parted ever so slightly, her breath mingling with his. He tasted faintly of candy cane. He pulled her closer to him, and the kiss grew more intense; a lot less invitation and a lot more pressure.

It was dizzying. It was the sweetest of kisses. Mia couldn’t help but drink it in. She had so little control where this man was concerned – and none at the moment. In the deepest, most secret part of her soul, all she wanted was to have him hold her as he was holding her now. As if he cherished her; as if he wanted her in his life for the rest of his. She let herself melt against him and squeezed her eyes so tightly closed, the emotional tears that gathered at the corners could barely escape.

At last, when she turned away from his lips to catch her breath, she rested her forehead on his chest, breathing hard.

“Kissing you is everything I ever hoped it would be,” she whispered. “Besarte es como ver las estrellas.”

Muy romántica, mi gatita.” Diego was impressed by her flawless speech in his native tongue. “But since when do you speak Spanish?”

“Since always! I did grow up in the state of California, which is right beside Mexico!” She smirked. “Or rather… siempre.”

“You never told me that!”

“You never asked!”

“Sustained. The defense rests.” He chuckled and ran his hand over her satiny caramel hair. “I look forward to uncovering many more mysteries about you, Madame Attorney.”

“And I look forward to having you uncover me, in more ways than one!” Her eyes twinkled mischievously. “But first, you need to get the hell out of this hospital bed!”

“Later today, kitten. You have my word. There’s nothing I look forward to more than being your scratching post tonight!”

He treated her to a wicked grin that was guaranteed to get him on Santa’s naughty list, but then his expression suddenly changed as he continued to gaze lingeringly into her eyes.

“What is it, Diego?” She asked softly, unable to read the intensity in that mocha stare, yet unable to pry her eyes away. “What are you thinking?”

In a voice aching with tenderness, he whispered, “Mi gatitatu amor vale mas que millones de estrellas.”

Now look at who’s the romantic one, you not-so-secret softy!” She teased, her eyes glowing with love as she kissed him again. “Feliz Navidad, mi amor.”

“Merry Christmas, kitten.”

 

THE END

Notes:

Notes:

JP: This may look familiar to those of you who follow my songfic series, Singing in the Courtroom with CzarThwomp, but I loved Señor Java's romantic drabbles so much that I just had to hop on the bandwagon and include a few of my own into the mix. Gracias, mi ago!

Translations:

(French)
La Douleur Exquise - The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have.

(Spanish)

Cállate la boca! Terminamos! Olvídate de mi número! Comprende? – Shut your mouth! We're finished! Lose my number! Understand?

¡Vete al diablo, bastardo! – Go to hell, you bastard!

bruja rencorosa – spiteful witch

Mi gatita, te quiero con todo mi alma – My kitten, I love you with all my soul.

Eres el amor de mi vida - You are the love of my life.

Besarte es como ver las estrellas. – To kiss you is like seeing stars.

Tu amor vale mas que millones de estrellas. – Your love is worth more than a million stars

Chapter 90: I Am Number One!

Notes:

CT: When it comes to the von Karma family, there are two things we know about them: their fashion sense stopped progressing at the turn of the 20th century, and they are as modest as they are obsessed with perfection. Heck, with how Manfred acts, he might as well wear a crown and a large garish cape that has the phrase "I'm better than you" written on the back in bright flashing neon letters. So, suffice to say, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Manfred had written at least one musical number in which his praises are literally sung.
But on a slightly different topic, Neil Marshall was both the luckiest and unluckiest man in the "Ace Attorney" universe- lucky in that Manfred hadn't murdered him for beating him at something, but yet unlucky in that Gant found his unconscious body first and decided to make him a part of his plan for legal world domination.

JP: Happy New Year, dear readers! Hope 2020 has been and continues to be good to all of you – and what better way to kick off the 1st month of the new year than a song about a Narcissistic Megalomaniac who always thought he was #1 (and not meaning visiting the piddly-diddly whizz palace variety!) at everything?
This request for DJJ680 managed to do the unthinkable – make a parody even funnier than the AA themed one that was made for this song with the main villains – Matt, Bitchtoff, Dahlia, and Manfred! (if you haven't seen it, look it up on YouTube under "We Are Number One But It's Ace Attorney!")

Chapter Text

 

" I Am Number One"
Sung to the tune of
"We Are Number One"
from 
Lazy Town


It was the evening of the Police and Prosecutor Choice Awards, a time when prosecutors and members of the many divisions of the LAPD came together to celebrate the previous year's accomplishments over a nice dinner at the precinct. So as one would expect, the precinct's spacious, all-purpose room was decorated to the nines for the occasion. After all, heaven forbid that the prosecutors – especially Manfred von Karma and his young protégé, Miles Edgeworth – were seen in an environment that was less than immaculate.

The room's grey carpet, which was usually pretty clean, to begin with, was so thoroughly steamed that not a single speck of dirt was present on its fluffed appearance. The numerous tables scattered around the room that were all being used by various prosecutors and police officers were each covered with a pristine table cloth that was as white as snow and a colorful centerpiece consisting of several flowers – daffodils, hydrangeas, Oleanders, and a number of others – and a golden miniature version of the commonplace Lady Justice statue in which the ends of her scales were replaced with a prosecutor's badge and a police badge. Though the most noticeable feature of the room was the large stage that was situated at the room's front-center, making it impossible to miss – especially considering how all the spotlights shining on its reflective glossy surface made the rest of the room look pitch-black by comparison.

Though if there was one thing that was even brighter than the stage itself, it was Damon Gant's usual orange suit as he stood on the stage as Chief Prosecutor Blaise Debeste handed him his King of Detectives award, a mid-sized trophy that featured a gaudy silver magnifying glass and dusting brush positioned in an x-shape on top of a black-painted iron pedestal, before returning to his table at the front of the room.

"Hey, Manny! Look at my award!" Gant excitedly whispered as he took his seat to the veteran prosecutor's left and Lana's right. "Pretty impressive, eh?"

"King of Detectives…? Bah! You'd be better off examining an ant colony and deciding which ant is better than the rest," Manfred sneered with a hushed voice. "Because at least ants know how to obey orders and do their job properly, unlike certain detectives..."

"Sir, don't you think that's a bit cruel?" Edgeworth calmly whispered. "I know that we prosecutors are the backbone of the legal world, but shouldn't detectives have at least a few moments of glory in their otherwise bleak existence?"

"Tell you what, Miles, when you win more awards than me, you can tell me how to think." Manfred curtly responded as he squeezed his bicep.

"Well, considering how both you and Edgeworth are currently tied at a grand total of zero awards tonight, von Karma, that shouldn't be too difficult a goal to achieve," Lana snidely commented.

"That's because all of the awards that have been presented up until now – Perfect Attendance, Most Improved Prosecutor, King of Pay Cuts – have all been pity trophies to help console the imperfect prosecutors and the entirety of the police force who couldn't even spell 'capable' if their lives depended on it. But this next award is different, for it is King of Prosecutors, the accolade made specifically for the most perfect of prosecutors. So naturally, if I am to win any award this evening, it is – oh, it's starting. My moment of triumph." Manfred smirked.

"Ok, everyone, here's the award you've all been waiting for: King of Prosecutors. Y'see, as you all know, this is an award that we give out to only the best and brightest that the Prosecutor's Office has to offer. After all, with how many 'prodigy' prosecutors who are 20 and under we have employed, it's practically anyone's competition, y'know? But this year's King of Prosecutors isn't like the others. Y'see, not only is this guy a force to be reckoned with in the courtroom, but he's as likable as his sense of style is unusual. So, without further ado, this year's King of Prosecutors is-"

At that moment, Blaise was interrupted by Edgeworth taking out his flute and starting to play an upbeat song as Manfred stood up and started proudly walking up on stage.

"Oh no, not this again…" Lana groaned as she facepalmed. "Only a complete moron or a sadistic troll would actually like that musical number that von Karma forces us to listen to every year."

"Yeah! It's happening! Manny's number one! Manny's number one!" Gant chuckled, clapping his gloved hands together as Manfred started singing.


{Manfred}

Bah!

I am number one!

Bah!

I am number one!

This never gets old…


Manfred paused to grab the King of Prosecutors trophy, which he proceeded to hold out with a sneer on his face for all the other prosecutors in the audience to see.


{Manfred}

My lessers trounced and my glories told,

My perfection given form to hold.

Though winning this award was hardly a feat,

For these other "prosecutors" reek of defeat.

They're naïve like sods,

Their cases flawed,

And they dress like a bunch of frauds.


"Better to look like a fraud than a member of the Addams family!" Jake Marshall, from his table towards the front of the room, called out, prompting Manfred to shoot him a death glare and Neil Marshall, who was sitting next to him, to start snickering.


{Manfred}

I am number one!

Bah!

I am number one!

Bah!

I am number one!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

With my perfect suit,

My stylish hair,

And my cravat white,

I am quite the sight,

Right?


"If y'all are a sight, von Karma, I'd be better off starin' into a Texas sun at high noon till I couldn't see no more sights!" Jake retorted in a fit of laughter, earning a high-five from his brother.

"I swear, one more outburst like that from either of you and I will do to the both of you what your beloved Texas did to proper grammar!" Manfred roared with a snap of his fingers.


{Manfred}

Now listen to me,

Pesky thorns,

I was prosecuting since before you were born!

Bah!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!


Bah!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!


Bah!

Bah-bah-perfect-bah-bah-bah-bah,

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

I am number one!

I am number one!

I am number one!

Bah!

Bah!


"Neil Marshall!" Blaise proclaimed with a sneer on his face, causing Manfred to reel back out of shock as the room filled with the hoots and hollers of the Marshall brothers.

"WHAT!?" Manfred roared, his eyes the size of saucers as a few beads of cold sweat started to drip down his brow.

"You heard me, von Karma. This year's King of Prosecutors is Neil Marshall! So, get up here, Cowboy, and claim your prize!" Blaise jovially stated with a wave of his hand, an order that Neil didn't hesitate to take up as he ran up on stage and ripped the trophy out of Manfred's hands.

"Good night above…" Neil sighed with a grin and a slight shake of his head as he took Blaise's place at the podium to give a speech. "With all the talented and experienced prosecutors that I have the privilege to work with every day, I never would have thought that I'd ever win an award like this in my lifetime, let alone my third year on the job. So, needless to say, I am deeply touched that y'all think so highly of me – even after I've lost more than one trial to that coffee-loving defense attorney at the start of my career."

The cowboy prosecutor paused to chuckle as he scratched the back of his neck.

"…Woo boy, if y'all think that losing a case you spent hours preparing for to some bluffing attorney makes ya feel lower than a snake's belly, then you obviously haven't had a mug of coffee thrown at your head…"

Neil had to pause for a brief moment to let the laughter that was erupting from the audience come to a stop as his face became slightly morose.

"Real shame what happened to Armando – hombre had one hell of an arm and a fightin' spirit to match. But at least he died doing what he loved: drinking coffee and being suave while doing so. Though I only wish I had the chance to thank him. Sure, he gave me hell, but with that hell, he pushed me to become the prosecutor that I am today. Though while on that subject, I'd also like to thank my brother, Jake, for always being there for me ever since we were kids playing Cowboys and Indians – even though we got into more than one fight about who got to be the cowboy – Detectives Gant and Skye, for inspiring all of us with their devotion to justice, and finally, Prosecutor Manfred von Karma…"

Even though he was embarrassed beyond belief, Manfred couldn't help but smirk a little upon being recognized. Sure, it wasn't as glamorous as being named King of Prosecutors once again, but it was nice to know that he was helping to inspire the younger generation… even if their fashion sense and lack of class were much to be desired.

"Whenever he stops by the Prosecutor's Office, I feel compelled to give it everything I've got – partially 'cause the guy's win record's cleaner than a washcloth on washday and I wanna look semi-competent by comparison, but mostly 'cause if I don't, then he's gonna be on me like stank on a crap wagon, lecturing me from dawn 'till dusk about how I'm not 'working hard enough' instead of leaving me alone so that I can actually get my work done. Plus, whenever my nerves start getting shakier than a jitterbug doing the jitterbug on a jumping bean before a trial, I take a deep breath and tell myself, 'Neil, if von Karma can go into court dressed like Dracula's granddaddy's corpse for 40 years without a care in the world and win every time, then what do you have to be worried about?'" Neil jokingly asked, prompting the audience to once again start laughing.

However, unlike last time, where the audience was allowed to calm down at their own pace, this time, their laughter was abruptly ended by the loud thud of the end of Manfred's cane slamming against the hardwood surface of the stage.

"Cease your insolent laughter!" Manfred roared with a snap of his fingers as he glared daggers into the audience. "I do not have to stand here and take this undeserved slander! Miles, we're leaving!"

Heeding his mentor's word, Edgeworth got up from his seat and made a beeline dash for the room's exit while Manfred followed suit – only instead of running, the veteran prosecutor maintained what little dignity he had left by loudly stomping to the door with his fists and teeth clenched. However, before he could reach the exit, he was stopped by someone calling out to him.

"Hey, von Karma!" Blaise shouted, prompting the 'perfect' prosecutor to slowly turn his head back so he could glower at his superior's sneering face. "Y'know, if it makes you feel any better, you'll always be number two to me!"

"Bah!" Manfred huffed as he thrust open the door leading out of the room and made an effort to slam it behind him as loudly as possible as he exited.

Chapter 91: Try Defending

Notes:

JP: For one of my favorite, most loyal readers, and fluffy socks writers, chloemcg. I'm sorry this took so long, milady, (hey this parody came before I get to use the real song in TE which will still happen I promise!) but I sincerely hope I did your long-ago request justice! This is set during the hospital scene after Nick's infamous, death-defying fall of Dusky Bridge…when he asked his BFF to "bend" the rules and become a defense attorney in T & T…and show's Miles' reactions to finally fulfilling his long-ago dashed boyhood dream at last! 😊
This scene, with Miles visiting Nick in the hospital after the Dusky Bridge fall may look familiar to my readers who've ready my Fredgeworth story The Ties That Bind. It's been adapted to fit this scenario of the Prosecutie agreeing to "try defending."

CT: At this point, I probably sound like a broken record with how often I praise my wonderful cowriter's mastery of writing light, fluffy friendship scenarios, but this time, JP has truly outdone herself with how she has created a scenario in which this song is actually tolerable for me to listen to. Seriously, the original song sounds like something you'd hear upon entering an Abercrombie and Fitch store and getting overwhelmed with the odor of AXE body spray. Though I'm probably not the best person to judge this song on account of how music with that kind of base and rhythm causes me physical pain- specifically, in regards to how it actually messes with my heartbeat. So, as you can probably guess, dub steps and I typically don't mix very well.

Chapter Text

"Try Defending"
sung to the tune of "Try Everything"
from Disney's 
Zootopia


With great trepidation, Miles headed towards the patient room he'd been directed to by the Hotti Clinic nurse in the Intensive Care Unit. How he hated hospitals! They were third on his aversion list, right after earthquakes and elevators. To him, they only symbolized pain and death and the pungent smell of the place always made him queasy. He tended to avoid them like the plague. How was it he was forced to return to this dreadful place for the second time in less than a year, both times for people he desperately cared for and couldn't imagine his life without?

Of course, he'd rather die than tell that to Wright. If his friend ever found out that he'd chartered a private jet right after he'd gotten Butz's hysterical late-night call, he'd surely tease him mercilessly.

He turned the doorknob and entered Phoenix's room, absently noting the simple furnishings: a wooden table on the left of the stretcher, a couple of chairs on either side of the bed and a glass sliding window with a view of the outside of the buildings surrounding the hospital.

Of course, what had his full attention was the sight of the coughing, spiky-haired man sitting up in the bed, hunched over and frowning at the laptop in front of him.

Humph! Miles thought, simultaneously relieved and peeved. While the patient doesn't look to be in any condition to be making fun of anything, he most surely also doesn't look like he's knocking on heaven's door, the way that histrionic buffoon Butz led me to believe!

The surprise was stamped across Phoenix's features as he looked up then and saw his friend standing in the doorway. He started to speak, but suddenly his body began to shake as he went into a coughing fit. Winded with exhaustion, he flopped back down on his pillow and silently waved at Miles in welcome.

"Wright." Miles nodded in greeting, even as he stifled the urge to hug – and possibly then throttle – his friend for nearly giving him a coronary.

But of course, being a logical man of law, he would never commit such an action, for it would be done purely in vain.

After all, they were in a hospital, with resuscitating equipment!

"Edgeworth!" Phoenix's dark blue eyes were the size of saucers as he stared at him. "What are you doing here? I thought you and Franziska were working overseas for Interpol?!"

"Clearly I took a break from said duties because I was awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call from a hysterical friend of ours who led me to believe that you were on the brink of death."

Phoenix's shoulders drooped as he grimaced. "Let me guess…this friend wouldn't happen to occasionally be referred to as Harry Butz now, would he?"

"Yes, although the man of many names rather insistently informed me that he now wants to be known as Laurice Deauxnim." Miles' lips twitched with amusement.

"Heh, heh…there's a bit of a story to that. I have quite a bit to get you caught up on. Why don't you pull up a chair?"

As Miles sat down, he noticed, for the first time, the Demon Warding hood tossed carelessly at the foot of the bed.

"Wright, what in God's name is that ridiculous looking contraption?"

"Oh, ya, that's another tale entirely. It's the Demon Warding hood Iris gave me. I was wearing it up until you came in. It was making my head itch…plus it totally flattens my spikes."

"I didn't think there was any force of nature that could achieve that, Wright," Miles quipped, smirking when he saw Phoenix's scowl. "So, tell me, how are you feeling?"

"Well, I feel dizzy, my ears are ringing, my throat burns, and my head is on fire. Other than that, I'm fine, thanks."

"Right. I spoke with the doctors. They told me that you'll need to stay here for two days and get bed rest."

"They told me that too, but I don't need to stay here that long. I told them I'm completely fine!" The minute Phoenix finished the sentence he went into another coughing fit.

"Oh yes. You're doing splendidly."

Once the coughing episode had subsided, Phoenix let out a deep breath and flopped back against his pillow again, shutting his eyes. "I can't stay here Edgeworth! There's so much I need to do! I need to find make sure Maya is alright, find Ms. Deauxnim's murderer, locate Pearls and defend Iris…"

"What you need to do," Miles said firmly. "Is get better, Wright! You can barely talk, never mind walk! You're not a superhero and it's a miracle you're alive after falling off an 80-foot high burning bridge! You're lucky you didn't catch pneumonia or your death! I've never known you to be this foolish before. What the hell were you thinking?!"

Phoenix's eyes remained closed, and he only managed to whisper one word. "Maya."

Miles sighed. Maya Fey. Of course. The only person in the world who could make his semi-rational (on a good day) friend lose his head entirely. The besotted fool loved that girl so much he had first nearly let a murderer walk for her, and now had nearly died for her. Miles wasn't sure he would have Phoenix's crazy fortune and survive such a spill with only a cold – if at all! He would have surely suffered at least a few broken or amputated limbs! Naturally, he hoped and prayed he'd never have to prove his devotion for a woman using such drastic means. Was he wimp because he preferred the much safer champagne and flower path instead?

"I know you love her, Wright," he said gently. "But you're no good to Miss Fey, or anyone, as a dead man. Sometimes…it may be better to lead with your head than your heart."

Phoenix opened one dark-circled eye.

"You mean like you do, He-Who-Deems-Feelings-Unnecessary?"

"Like any logical person, Wright."

Phoenix opened both his eyes then, the bags underneath them proof of his sleepless state over his current plight, which Miles knew naught about. They were now glaring holes into the prosecutor as he seethed, "Well, forgive me for not being as emotionally constipated as some people! We can't all be poised and logical Perfect Prosecutors, can we, Mr. Roboto?"

Miles groaned inwardly and felt his face turning the same color as his magenta suit. He couldn't think of any argument, logical or illogical, to counter that statement. Especially when he knew his friend was right.

"You got me there, Wright," he said reverently. "It was never my intention to try to make you over in my own image. I merely wanted to ensure that you'd be more careful in your actions henceforth, I would ever want to lose our favorite courtroom adversary."

Phoenix's defensive expression softened.

"Sorry, Edgeworth. I shouldn't have jumped down your throat like that. I know you're just looking out for me. It's just hard to keep it together with this particular predicament… "

"I don't know much about your current situation," Miles admitted. "I have to go meet up with Larry at the detention center after this, and we both know however noble his intentions, he's not exactly the most credible source of information. If you are willing to tell me about it, I'm willing to offer you my assistance in any way I can."

"Really?" Phoenix eyed him with a mixture of skepticism and hopefulness. "You aren't pulling my leg here?"

"I thought you'd know me well enough by now, Wright." Miles crossed his arms and tapped his finger. "I rarely make jokes, and especially not about matters of such importance. Now, you can tell me what's been going on in my absence, or I shall take my leave."

"Wait, don't go! Sheesh, I'll tell you!"

Phoenix went on to explain the details of events that had transpired: the medium special training course Maya had wanted at Hazakura Temple, meeting Sister Bikini and Elise Deauxnim and the other subsequent details leading up to her murder.

Miles listened intently, jotting down the pertinent information on his organizer.

Phoenix finished the summary of him finding Elise Deauxnim's body and his consequent fall into the raging river.

"Well, this is quite the quandary you've gotten yourself into, Wright," Miles said dryly. "The Matt Engarde case seems like a real pip in comparison. And you said Miss Fey is still trapped on the other side of the Dusky Bridge?"

"Yes, she is, and Pearls seem to have disappeared, too. I hope she's OK. She's going to be devastated when she finds out about Maya and her favorite children's author."

I hope they're alright, too. Those poor girls have been through enough. To think they had to be there when this horrific event occurred…

"This is a most captivating case, Wright. I'm going to go check out Hazakura Temple myself after I go meet Butz at the detention center. I will keep you updated on what's happened since you were brought here. I'll do my best to find out how Maya and Pearl are doing, as well. Thank you for the information." Miles put away his organizer and pen and rose to his feet.

"No problem. Hey, before you go, here, take these with you." The bedridden defense attorney reached over to his bedside table and grabbed a couple of items.

The first item he handed over was a green rock shaped like a number nine. Miles blinked a few times and held it up to the light. It looked like something out of an alien Sci-Fi movie. Is this thing actually… glowing? No, impossible, it can't be glowing!

"It's a magatama," Phoenix explained, grinning at the prosecutor's perplexed expression. "Essentially it's a rock that allows you to see inside people's hearts. When someone is keeping a secret, or hiding something from you, with that stone, you will see silver chains appear, and on the chains, red locks. They're called psyche-locks."

Psycho-locks? How appropriate. This whole concept Wright is trying to sell me on is an absolutely psycho!

"No, seriously," Phoenix chuckled, catching Mile's dubious look. "Depending on how many secrets the person is keeping, or how well-guarded, there will be more locks. The most I've ever seen is five. Breaking the locks can help you get vital information out of people, which can be used in court. When you see the locks, just present the magatama and question the person. You usually need to present some evidence to get the locks to break. Are you following me?"

Miles nodded after a moment's pause. "Yes, I believe so." This cold must have really affected Wright's brain if he's spouting off such nonsense. As if anyone could seriously see into the hearts of others! Outrageous! Although if this thing were real, it would certainly explain how a reckless rookie attorney could have repeatedly beat me and both Von Karmas in court!

He frowned. When you thought of it that way, he wasn't sure if believing that Wright had beat him in court because he'd had some supernatural, advantageous edge made him feel better or worse!

"One more thing." Phoenix dropped the other item into his hand.

Miles stared down at the small gold-colored item in his hand. It was engraved with the scale of justice and so well polished that it shone brightly even in the dim room light. "Wright, whatever is the meaning of this?"

"You know what that badge means, Edgeworth. It means the wearer swears to believe in people, right up until the bitter end. I'm giving this to you because I'm actually in the position to need to take you up on your offer to help in any way you could."

Miles stared incredulously at the other man. Surely, he was misunderstanding him. Phoenix Wright couldn't seriously be asking him to –

"Yes, Edgeworth." The psychic lawyer appeared to be reading his mind as usual, even without the psycho-lock reader in possession. "I'm asking you to defend Iris."


[Phoenix]
*on his hospital sickbed*
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh


[Phoenix]

I can't lose this fight, though I screwed up tonight
Since I wiped out, please help, my friend
I didn't drown and although I'll rebound
Need to solve this case that is so complex


[Phoenix]

Promise you'll try to help out till I'm back up
Somebody has to step up until I'm strong


[Phoenix]

Please back me up, take it on the chin
There are rules to bend but you're my best friend
Suspend disbelief, won't you try defending
Be the good guy although you may fail
Please back me up, take it on the chin
There are rules to bend but you're my best friend
Suspend disbelief, won't you try defending
Be the good guy although you may fail


[Phoenix]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh


"Wright, I…" Miles was speechless. What he was being asked to do could end with serious legal repercussions for them both. His friend's fever obviously had affected his ability to think straight. The man looked like he could barely remain conscious as they spoke.

"Please, Miles." Phoenix's expression was a mixture of earnestness…and some sort of pain. And not just the physical kind.

Miles could tell his friend was suffering in silence about something pertaining to this mysterious Iris woman, despite his feelings for Maya. It was both bewildering and intriguing.

"Alright," Miles nodded. "I'll do as you ask, Wright. But I really must get going now. Take care."

"Thank you. You're the best, Edgeworth," Phoenix said drowsily, closing his eyes and falling back onto his pillow.


Miles grunted to himself as he pinned on the still foreign to the fingers sunflower badge in the courtroom lobby, all the while trying to psyche himself up for his grand debut as a defense attorney.

He was still shaking his head at the unexpected turn of events. He couldn't believe that he, a prosecutor whose job it was to doubt people and expose the truth, had agreed to defend someone. While it could be interesting to stand on the opposite side of the courtroom and experience what it was like to be a defense attorney – his late father Gregory had been an incredible one – it was still the most insane, impractical and overall reckless thing he'd ever contemplated doing; even more so than getting on that plane! Miles couldn't believe that he, the so-called former Demon Prosecutor, could ultimately be such a soft touch!


[Miles]

Look I've succumbed, cuz push had come to shove
Now is the time to bluff, heave bated breath
Keep my guard up, pray that this guise will last
Boy dreams surpassed if I do my best


[Miles]

I'll back Wright up, take it on the chin
There were rules to bend but he's my best friend
Suspend disbelief, I'm gonna try defending
Be the good guy although I may fail
I'll back Wright up, take it on the chin
There were rules to bend but he's my best friend
Suspend disbelief, I'm gonna try defending
Be the good guy although I may fail


[Miles]

I'm taking risks leaving chance to fate
I'll pursue truth every step of the way
It's up to fate


[Miles]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Try Defending
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Try Defending


It was the use of his first name that had sold it. Phoenix Wright never called him Miles, proof that he was entirely stirred out of the norm. The defense attorney truly was at the end of his tether if he had been resorted to asking this monumental of a favor. Above all, the man was his childhood friend. Moreover, aside from Franziska, he was possibly his best friend. It was impossible for Miles to deny such an obviously desperate, heartfelt request.

Jeez, two groundbreaking revelations in one day. I concede to being a defense attorney,  and the fact that  Phoenix Wright is my best friend? How the hell  did I allow that to happen?!

Chapter 92: No Good Plight

Notes:

CT: Another chapter, another opportunity for Kristoph to start a prison-wide musical number about his hatred for his arch-nemesis. I swear, at this point, Kristoph is becoming the poster boy for this fanfic's villain song parodies. But can you blame me? Just look at Kristoph. This is a guy who had Phoenix disbarred and then pretended to be his friend for seven years, as well as stalked two reclusive artists who never left their home and an eccentric reporter who I wouldn't be surprised has at least ten severed heads on a shelf in his bedroom, before proceeding to murder a man with a bottle- all because he was fired after losing a game of poker. Y'see, it's that kind of over-the-top insanity those villain songs were made for. So when the song that inspired this parody popped up in my related videos list on my YouTube app, I instantly knew that this would be the perfect song for our favorite nail-painting sociopathic creepsicle. Not to mention, I could easily picture Kristoph having Neil Patrick Harris' singing voice.

JP: so sorry about the delay in updating guys! Mea culpa! But I KNOW this awesome entry was worth the wait! Never heard of this song, or this series, but after checking it out, I am putting it on my "to-watch" list! Is there anyone out there who doesn't love that caped crusader? Tell us what you think of my funny partner's own unique song choice…as well who your fave Batman was!

Chapter Text

 

"No-Good Plight"
Sung to the tune of "Drives Us Bats"
from the animated series 
Batman: The Brave and the Bold


 

It was a sunny summer afternoon and instead of being cooped up in their cells, the prisoners of Central Prison were allowed to enjoy it as they were herded out into the courtyard by several guards. Though on this day, instead of the courtyard being a wide-open environment in which there was more than enough space to move around in, the prisoners felt quite cramped due to a large wooden stage that was covered with an absurd amount of blinking neon lights taking up most of the area, atop which Warden Fred Leeman watched with a grin as his wards gathered before him and loudly grumbled about how there was nowhere to stand. But after some moving around, the prisoners went quiet as Fred began to speak.

"Good afternoon, prisoners, and welcome to the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza! As you know, we're holding this competition in order for you all to get to better know your fellow prisoners, thereby promoting harmony and goodwill, while also allowing newer inmates to feel more comfortable here. Anyways, our first contestant was originally going to be Lance Amano, but after getting a call from the prison physician notifying me that Kristoph Gavin is indeed a male, much to my surprise, I feel that it's only fair that I let him start off the show. So everyone, give a big round of applause to Mr. Kristoph Gavin!"

At that moment, the crowd of prisoners started clapping as Kristoph walked from the side of the stage, taking the warden's place in front of the microphone.

"Thank-"

"W-Wait a minute!" Lance objected as he rushed over to the warden and his fellow prisoner, clutching a piccolo in his fist as he glared at the two men. "You can't just change up the order like that!"

"Oh, but I can and just did, Mr. Amano." Fred responded with his usual jovial tone, albeit with a tiny hint of ire in his voice. "Now please, step aside, be quiet, and let Mr. Gavin perform."

"But it's not fair!" Lance pouted with a stomp of his foot. "I took the time to make sure that I filled out the first spot on the signup sheet! Not to mention, I practiced really, really hard in order to ensure that I started things off with a bang!"

"Well, Mr. Amano, Mr. Gavin could say the same thing when I made the mistake of moving him to the female section of the prison and making him perform in 'Central Prison Waltz' with those women… and Mr. Atishon." Fred calmly retorted.

"Vote for Paul Atishon!" Paul shouted out from the crowd."

"Thank you for that, Mr. Atishon." The warden responded with a chuckle before regaining his composure with a sigh. "So anyways, Mr. Amano, if you continue to make things more difficult for Mr. Gavin, then things may get more difficult for you later this evening if you catch my drift…" Fred stated, his tone becoming much more sinister despite the grin on his face. "So are we going to have any further issues, Mr. Amano?"

In response, Lance simply nodded, his posture hunched over as he took a few quick steps over to the side of the stage.

"Good!" Fred chirped with a clap of his hands. "So without further ado, it's all yours, Mr. Gavin!" The warden stated as he walked over to the side of the stage where Lance was standing.

"Thank you, Mr. Leemann. My performance will be a musical number that I personally wrote in dedication of Phoenix Wright, an idealistic, idiotic, scheming menace to society who I believe we all can agree is nothing but a no-good plight! Hit it!" Kristoph snarled with a snap of his fingers, causing a jazzy song to start playing from a pair of speakers located on either side of the stage.


{Kristoph}

He's never seen without help,

Often a young, bubbly girl!

He spouts nothing but self-righteous clichés,

That make me want to hurl!

His magatama brings only blight,

It hardly makes for a fair fight!

That's why we're all in this prison,

Because he's a no-good plight!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He's a plight!

He's a plight!

He truly is a plight,

Plight,

Plight!

He is our pliiight!


{Kristoph}

Whether he's pressing all statements,

Or using some outlandish bluff,

He always comes out on top,

And we're left in handcuffs!

He looks and acts like a slooob,

His strategies are triiite!

That's why we're all in this prison,

Because he's a no-good plight!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He's a plight!


{Kristoph}

The Turnabout Terror!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He's a plight!


{Tigre}

Always gettin' in da way!


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He truly is a plight,

Plight,

Plight!

He is our pliiight!


{Yogi}

Even without a parrot on the stand…


{Nichody}

He proves to be a pest.


{Means}

Other lawyers always aaask…


{Daryan}

Why do girls grin at him with delight?


{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}

He is our pliiight,

He's a pliiight,

He's a plight!


Upon finishing his song, Kristoph was met with a roaring round of applaud from the other prisoners as Fred took his place at the microphone.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that we have a winner! Everyone, give it up for our first-ever Central Prison Talent Extravaganza champion, Kristoph Gavin! Yaaaay!" Fred jovially exclaimed with a toothy grin as he took out a blue ribbon and pinned it to the ex-defense attorney's lapel as the egotistical sociopath puffed out his chest in pride.

"B-But I didn't get to play my song!" Lance angrily protested, squeezing his piccolo in his right hand as he glared daggers at the warden. However, the spoiled man's pleas were completely ignored by the other prisoners, as well as the warden, as they continued to cheer for Kristoph.

"Well, with that taken care of, this concludes the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza. So, let's head on back inside the prison in a nice, orderly fashion so you all can continue to walk down the path to redemption. And remember, prisoners, I believe in you!" Fred chirped with a wave as several guards proceeded to herd the prisoners back into the building before going back in himself, leaving Lance on the stage, crying and alone as he played a sad little song on his piccolo.

Chapter 93: 2-Year Anniversary JP & CT Double Special

Summary:

JP: I hope you guys enjoy this double-edition Two Year Anniversary Special! My parody is first - with the song paying homage to the Disney movie that started this ball rolling - Mulan! And in the same grand tradition, have a laugh with CT's homage to Pokemon with his own comical twist on the song, which is immediately followed by my nod to the Satanic Succubus! ☺

Chapter Text

JP: Happy 2-Year Anniversary to Singing In The Courtroom! Thanks to all you amazing readers for all your love and support and making the years literally fly by! You're Debeste!❤

Poor Doug Swallows recently returned from his trip to the University Campus Free Clinic only to discover that as a result of his doomed shagging with the minge of a certain Satanic Succubus, he's now got fiery tallywacker syndrome! Ergo, he feels it privy to meet up with a certain Weenie in a pink sweater to give him a warning that his perfect Dollie not only poops, but she is literally… la grande merde!

I guess this is further proof Nick is unbreakable… my headcanon about his brief one-time dipping of his Penix Wright into her Devil's Ditch in the woods behind Ivy University the one time they met (to seal the necklace deal) still managed to leave him unscathed, despite, to quote my hysterical partner CT, Dollie's no-no canyon being dirtier than Larry's mind in Gumshoe's apartment!😆

P.S. I used the lyrics song version – about 4:15 minutes long. bit. l y/ 2TGh4hJ

P. P.S. This is dedicated as a birthday gift to a Pisces baby who had a recent birthday, my friend and Dahlstoph collab writer, StupidGenious Happy Birthday, Lyn! 😊


"The Girl Is A Tart
Sung to the tune of
"True To Your Heart"
by 98 Degrees & Stevie Wonder
from Disney's 
Mulan
Soundtrack


"What do you want, Doug?" Feenie asked warily, barely stifling a sniffle as he popped another Coldkiller X into his mouth. "I can't imagine what was so urgent that you'd want to meet with me on campus today, considering I don't know you from Adam…"

The redhaired boy eyed the spiky-haired gamin solemnly.

"You're dating a thief, you know."

"You mean because she's stolen my heart?" The art student asked dreamily, not noticing the other boy's eyes rolling so hard, Doug could have probably seen down his back. "Then I guess she's guilty as charged!"

"Noooo, you daft twit!" The pharmacology major facepalmed. "I mean literally, a thief! Eight months ago, the poison was stolen from the pharmacology labs, and the previous day, the same event occurred again! I'm positive Dahlia is the culprit. That girl is bad news. She's been lying low since we split, but I heard through the grapevine that you had been dating her the last eight months, and so I reckoned you had a right to know that your girl is nowhere near as innocent as she seems."

"Of all the nerve!" Feenie snapped indignantly. "Where do you get off talking about my Dollie like that?!"

"I'm your girlfriend's ex, not that I imagine she told you a thing about me," he returned coolly. "And trust me, stealing poisonous chemicals isn't the only wrongdoing she's committed! Listen up, boy…"


[Doug Swallow]

Dollie she's not all that, mate! Why just can't you see?
Truth here is my goal boy, now listen to me!
That soul ain't pure
It's all black inside
Poisonous touch
She'll take you for a ride!


Buddy don't trust that girl she spouts fibs all the time!
Her looks are a lie, she wears white but she's not benign
There's a dark side there
Which you don't know
Be real afraid
Need to dump that ho!


[Chorus]
The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!

Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!
(She gave me Herpes! Now it burns when I go pee!)


[Feenie]

Shut that foul trap, you stuck-up British wannabe!
A loving, trusting man is all you'll find with me
Walk away now, or we will fight!
Jealous upstart! Get the hell away from my sight!


[Chorus]

The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!

Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!


[ Feenie ]

(It's all untrue)
Don't know her like I do
(We don't just screw!)
We make love not roll in the hay
(It's all untrue)
I see right through you!
(It can't be true, my Dollie's no tart)


[Doug Swallow]

I'm so sorry that it seems like I've gone too far
Tried to spare you She-Devil's claws and future scars
But you're too far whipped
Tossed your brains aside
You'll be a mess
Once she's done with her use of you


[Chorus]

The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!


Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!


The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She's from hell not the skies above!

Open those eyes
It's time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She'll lead you to your death or STD's!


[Doug Swallow]

I know this all seems crazy
For such a naïve heart
I've been where you are buddy
Believe me she's a tart!


The facts are ugly but true
It's tearing you apart
I've been where you are buddy
Believe me she's a tart!


(It's all true she's a tart!)
(It's all true she's a tart!)

(It's all true she's a tart!)


"I'm not going to listen to another word of this vindictive slander!" Feenie shouted, nearly in tears from enduring such heinous defamation, (both in verse and now song!) about his precious Dollie. "Don't talk about my Dollie like that!"

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, mates, but it's all of it true!" Doug insisted vehemently. "That girl is bad news – in every way! I've tested positive for Herpes and am now awaiting the results on seeing if I test positive for Hep B and C…if you don't want your John Thomas to fall off, you'd be wise to stay away from that slag!"

"How dare you?!" The pink-sweater wearing college student bellowed. "You shut your damn mouth!"

In a crazy moment of uncharacteristic rage, the pacifist young man shoved the Anglophile as hard as he could in the chest, sending Dahlia's ex hurtling to the ground.

There was a loud, snapping sound as the slender boy fell atop his umbrella as he landed, but the art student was too incensed to give it a second thought. Spinning on his heel, Feenie stormed off, still fuming to himself.

He never looked back once at the victim.

If only he'd turned around – even once – then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

But he didn't.

Thence, that one brash action of fighting for the honor of the girl he loved would be something that would come back to haunt the future Ace Attorney for the rest of his days…


CT: Another year, another Pokémon parody involving a prosecutor. This year, everyone's favorite sports-obsessed prosecutor/ smuggling ring mole who deals out deadly shots both on the basketball court and in Edgeworth's office gets his time in the spotlight as we make our way to the Johto Region.

Though speaking of which, one of the reasons why I made Jacques the star of this parody is because he always reminds me of Johto. I don't know why, but I can just picture Jacques walking around Goldenrod City with his Bayleef that he nicknamed "Jim" before doing what he did to the real Jim to Whitney's Miltank.

I would like to give a big shout out to all our readers, both new and old, who have supported us over the last two years. You guys are the reason why we make these parodies and have so much fun in the process!


" Prosecutor Jacques"
Sung to the tune of the Season 3
Extended theme version

" Pokémon Anime - Pokémon Johto"


Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!


Everyone wants to be the champion,

Everyone wants to bring home the gold,

Everyone works for some kind of reason,

And knows they just can't fold!

That's why,

I try,

To win each case before it begins!

Each guilty,

I get,

Scores me points with my kingpin!


That's the kind of world I live in!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

That's the way I play the game!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude,

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!


Everyone wants to score the winning point,

Everyone wants to hear the crowd's cheers,

To beat your foe to the top of the hill,

And learn to live life without fear!

My skills,

So hot,

They're why my group can run around free!

Take your,

Best shot,

Because you will never beat me!


That's the kind of world I live in!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

That's the way I play the game!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude,

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!


That's the kind of world I live in…!

(Live in, live in, live in...!)

That's the way I play the game…!

(The game, the game, the game...!)

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude…!

(Attitude, attitude, attitude...!)

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Oh, yeah!)


That's the kind of world I live in!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

That's the way I play the game!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

I'm a skilled athlete,

With a Grade-A attitude,

But I still gotta convict 'em all,

So my group can avoid all blame!


Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Oh, yeah!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(C'mon, Jim!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

Prosecutor Jacques!

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Let's shake!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

(Seal the deal!)

Ob-ob-ob,

Objection!

PROSECUTOR JACQUES!


 

Chapter 94: Burgers! A First Time CT & JP Duet

Notes:

CT: Admit it- you've pictured Maya trying to pull something similar to this at one point or another. After all, this is the woman who, at the age of 28, openly and proudly admitted in a court of law that she acted like a brat when she was kidnapped by a deranged henpecked minister of Justice until he gave her burgers. So suffice to say, there's no telling how low Maya would go for the sake of filling her four stomachs with burgery goodness. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if Maya's bedroom fantasy of choice would be Phoenix having his way with her while wearing a Mayor McCheese costume. After all, the Mayor's got political power, he's a burger- i.e. just give him a hoodie and a beanie and he'd be Maya's perfect man. That, or Maya's ultimate fantasy would be having a three-way with Edgeworth, who's dressed as Mayor McCheese for the prestige, and Phoenix, who's dressed like Officer Big Mac because she's been a bad, bad girl and needs to be introduced to her man's long pickle of the law.

JP: As the shameless Phaya trash that I am, I insist that even though they may squabble, Maya will always tickle Nick's pickle! 😉
This suggestion from my hilarious co-pilot that was a challenge with the creepy source material – and the suggested scenario! "In which Maya convinces Pearl to steal her burgers after Phoenix finally puts his foot down and restricts how many burgers, he'll buy for her in a single week."
I can't take full credit for this tune though…so allow me to announce that the following song-fic is brought to you as a first-time JP and CT 50/50 Joint Duet! Dark subject matter/black comedy isn't really my forte, so my funny friend here wrote and helped reshape my admittedly blah original verses into this parody, resulting in this twisted homage to the Burger Queen! I hope y'all like our conjoined efforts! 😊
P.S. Hope everyone is wisely keeping their social distances, staying home and keeping safe during this global COVID-19 crisis! Wishing you all much love and good health! ❤

Chapter Text

"Burgers!"
Sung to the tune of "Brains"
From The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy


"I got here from Kurain as fast as I could, Mystic Maya!"

Pearl was still slightly breathless from her hurried jaunt from the train station as the tightlipped Maya ushered the child into the spirit medium's bedroom, concern marring her doll-like features as she watched her cousin slam the door closed behind them in dramatic fashion, shooting a can't miss a scowl over her shoulder, which was clearly directed towards the spiky-haired man she lived with in the upstairs flat situated above the Wright and & Co. Law offices.

"You seem angry," the girl observed timidly. "I hope you're not mad at me for not getting here sooner when you called and said you needed my help with an emergency! I would've run down from the village, which would have been faster than waiting for the earliest train coming down to LA, but you and Mr. Nick insisted that I never do that again after the last time…"

"Of course, I'm not mad at you, Pearly!" Maya's cloudy expression immediately vanished and she clasped her hands in front of her chest, flashing her cousin her cheery trademarked grin. "In fact, considering you were in the middle of training, I'm thrilled you made it down as quickly as you did! It's good to know that I can always count on you because that's what family –never mind – that's what true friends, are for! Dependability!"

Her voice rose a few octaves as her face contorted into a petulant moue.

"…. Unlike some people I know, who shall remain nameless!"

Clearly the emphasized words in the last sentence had been directed at the defense attorney who was at the law offices downstairs. It was uncertain whether Phoenix had heard her or not, although if he had, he was clearly ignoring his assistant because there was no response hollered back.

The young girl anxiously bit her thumb, wondering what the Ace Attorney had dared do to upset her beloved cousin.

"Um…Did you and Mr. Nick into a fight?"

"You bet we did!" Maya grimaced and huffily crossed her arms over her chest. "He's nothing but a big jerk face!"

"Oh no! What happened?" Immediately the distressed moppet was already rolling up her sleeves in evident preparation of the patented Fey slaps of fury upon the unsuspecting counselor. "Special Someones aren't supposed to fight! What did he do?"

"Nick cut off my burger allowance!" Self-pitying tears welled up in the psychic's eyes. "He was going over the finance books and when he saw me going through his wallet for my daily lunchtime stipend, he shouted 'Hold It!' all courtroom style, and proclaimed that feeding me was the equivalent of feeding 10 people, and he just couldn't do it anymore! Something about needing to pay his bills and increasing rent and utility expenses and boring stuff like that… I honestly stopped listening after the big meanie told me that effective immediately, he could only afford to feed me one lousy burger a day!"

The pint-size spirit medium, who lived on a Spartan vegetarian diet up in their remote family village and ate like a bird, could only blink in confusion at her kinswoman in riposte.

"Pearly don't you get it?" Maya wailed plaintively. "One meager burger per diem?! Have you forgotten that I have four stomachs! That would even fill half of them! Plus, you know I also have an extra stomach for dessert… The point is Nick refuses to budge on this! I even offered a few suggestions about how he could save money so he wouldn't need to be so needlessly cruel, but he refused to listen to any of my cost-saving suggestions!"

"How did you offer to save him money?"

Even though she asked the question, Pearl truly had no idea about how any of these adult-related things worked. However, what she did know was that Mystic Maya was upset and Mr. Nick had been the one to distress her! Therefore, she was going to give him a piece of her mind – and smack some sense into him, literally! This was no way to treat your Special Someone!

"I told him that we could save $0.50 apiece when I attempted to compromise and offered to just order plain hamburgers instead of cheeseburgers, and told him that a grilled chicken sandwich actually costs more than a burger! All he needs to do is learn how to cook and make them at home, so then he won't need to worry about buying himself lunch, too! It was a perfect solution – which he immediately vetoed, nonetheless!"

Maya puffed out her cheeks in vexation.

"Nick wouldn't listen to my reasoning that with the money he'd save from him not eating out, there would be more available funds to properly feed his deserving hard-working assistant! But noooooo! Scrooge claimed that most of his clients don't pay him and that working pro bono so much is finally starting to cause a negative impact to his wallet! It's so unfair! He also ignored my logic about how he could easily save a small fortune in toilet bowl cleaner if he could just get over his neurotic, OCD need to scrub that the porcelain throne about a dozen times a day!"

"Mystic Maya I'm really sorry to hear about all of this, but I'm just not understanding why you called me?"

"Behold this map of the city!" Maya whipped out the large folded chart from her dresser drawer, which already had red circles around all the McDonald's, and surrounding hamburger places within a 10-mile radius of the office, as well as black X's marked on their surrounding side streets and alleys which she coyly explained would be 'exit routes.'

"Exit routes?" The perplexed Pearl echoed blankly. "I'm sorry, but I'm still so confused! What is it that you need me to do exactly?"

"Isn't it obvious, Small Fry?" The mischievous necromancer flashed a devilish smile. "I've been casing the joints and charting out the hotspots for you to hit up, my future Hamburglar!"

"H – Hamburglar?!" Pearl clapped an aghast hand to her mouth; positive she had misinterpreted the words, as well as the maniacal, feverish gleam in her cousin's eyes. "You want me to steal burgers for you?!"

"Obviously! If I can't rely on you, as my only remaining family, to save me from starvation, then who else can I ask? Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all!" Maya declared, blithely, then leaned forward eagerly as she tapped at the charted fast food restaurant closest to her residence. "It'll be easier than you think! Just listen to my plan…"


[Maya]

You gotta help me, Pearly
I'm gonna cry!
It's all Nick's fault
He's the reason why!
He used to be such a generous guy
But now he's skimpin' on the burgers and holdin' my side of fries!


I don't know how I've fallen from grace
But his heart's turned cold and there's a rock in its place!
He says feeding my stomachs leaves his bank account drained
So now I'm starving 'cause of…
That miser's disdain!


Run down to the burger place
Without food, I'll vanish without a trace!
A single burger a day's all Nick will buy me!
That's not enough, Pearly
That's just mean and crazy!


Run down to the Micky D's
Grab me a few dozen burgers with cheese!
You probably won't need any money
If you ask nicely enough you might get 'em for free!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


I know that it's asking a lot
Since my cravings could get you scolded and caught!
With that cute face, you'd get off scot-free
But if got busted it'd be prison for me!


First try begging and saying pwease
Bat those doe eyes, it'll be a breeze!
But if they say no and won't give 'em for free
Don't be afraid to snatch 'em for li'l ol' me!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


Burgers! Burgers! I love 'em, I need 'em!
My tummies jump for joy when I eat 'em!
Tasty grease dripping off the bun…
They're just all so yummers, especially the small ones!
Try a bite, kid, you can't stop at just one!


For all your cravings, a burger's gonna fix it
Gotta be beef, the vegan ones are bull spit!
I'm a slave to the flavor, I admit it!
Damn Nick! He's such a freakin' skinflint!
(OHHHHHH…!)


Stealth means silence, so no sound
I'll be starving 'til you come back around!
It's our little secret- nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
If things go wrong it's NICK'S fault dontcha think?


Help me, Pearly, I'm a wreck!
If you end on the lam, we'll just flee to Quebec!
They eat their fries with gravy and cheese
So break the law for me just this once, please!


Without burgers, I will die!
That juicy beef is what keeps me alive!
I'm the Burger Queen! Won't ever change!
Even if this meat lust has made me deranged!


36 burgers a day
That's the minimum to keep me sane!
No one's place to ask how or why
How I'll always stay thin like a French fry!


BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
Bring me BURGERS!
BRING ME BURGERS!
Tee-hee!


"Jumping seats and plenty riding sideways on a candy pink Fatboy Harley, Maya, have I ever got some great news!" Phoenix announced suddenly, bursting into the bedroom without preamble and beaming from ear to ear. "I just got a call from Sal Manella – remember that soggy hog from Global Studios who claims you inspired him to make the Pink Princess?"

The startled Maya nodded warily.

"How could I forget? I still have the occasional nightmare about the lecherous Otaku and his ever-roaming gaze, which had always made me feel like I needed a shower afterward!"

"Well get a load of this! Apparently, some guy named Shea V. Yerbush has become the new head producer since Dee Vasquez's departure. They wanted to thank me for getting Matt Engarde declared guilty last month! Long story short, they said my actions of bringing that Judas to justice spared them horrible media publicity and the stigma of having a potential murderer on their payroll – not to mention the cost of paying Mr. 'Refreshing Like A Spring Breeze's' salary!"

The defense attorney put his hands on his hips, a triumphant smile on his lips as he addressed his dumbstruck employee.

"Consequently, for having saved Global monetary squandering, as well as more future scandal and burden down the line… They're going to pay me all my legal fees for taking on Engarde's case! Plus, a little something extra!"

"Mr. Nick, that's wonderful news!" Pearl cheered, clapping her hands. "Congratulations!"

"This is fantastic news!" Maya agreed happily, rushing over to give the attorney a big hug. "But um… Important question! What's the catch?"

"Keeping my mouth shut," Phoenix replied with a wry smile. "The sole condition was my unconditional, cooperative silence. Like, if I'm ever approached by any of the media who would try to link a connection to my previous case with the studio, or with Global Studios in any way, I am to deny any and all involvement of either entirely. Basically, it's not so much legal fee payment as much as its hush money… But either way, they're couriering a big, fat check over to the office tomorrow! Guess this means we don't need to cut back on our food budget after all!"

The blue attorney halted abruptly and finally pried himself away from Maya's smothering embrace to finally take stock of the small child, who had been hidden from his vision until then, and his jaw dropped to his chest.

"Pearls… Why are you dressed all in black, like some sort of cat burglar?!"

He swung his incredulous gaze from the guilty-looking child in her oversized garb and narrowed suspicious eyes at the equally guilty-looking diviner.

"And Maya… Why does your cousin have a raccoon bandit mask tied around her head – with eyeholes cut into it! – made out of my dress socks?!"

Chapter 95: Putrando

Notes:

CT: In today's parody, JP and I have decided to give Prosecutor Smellsa another chance to be in the spotlight with a parody that was based directly off of a song sung by his spirit animal. For those of you who know the song that this parody was based off of, then you probably figured that it was only a matter of time before we did something like this. But for those of you who haven't heard the original song, you'll find that the singer is the pretty much the spitting image of Nahyuta, only with much better looks and a waaay better personality.

JP: Let's face it guys, right now in this calamitous year that is 2020 (I'd like to cancel my trial subscription effective immediately – and I would highly not recommend it to anyone!) the situation for the majority of us this truly one big stinky Mildew… A.k.a. It's been the Latrine of all years! 😉

As I now veer away past insider jokes for my dear loyal Turnabout Everlasting readers (five-year anniversary as of mid-May and there will be a chapter update so help me God - I've finally gotten over this nasty NON-COVID-19 illness that's plagued me for the last few weeks!) the only thing more offensively noxious to our olfactory senses than my OC The Dragon Lady is the canon character of Nah-POO-Ta! Because really, out of all the prosecutors in the AA world, who REEKS more to the twilight realm and back than Prosecutor SMELL-sa?😂

The timing in the song for this musical homage to Nah-EW-ta (OK, I'll stop now!) couldn't have been more fitting if we had tried! So we are ending April 2020 with some sidesplitting literal toilet humour here that we hope you enjoy! Also, to demonstrate just how much my wonderfully hilarious copilot is a big influence on my game choices, as well as my musical repertoire, I'd like to publicly state that my partner and I laughed harder than two stoners in a tickle fight after reading this! Immediately then after, we just had to get our hands on this hidden gem of a game! Thanks for being amazeballs, CT! ❤

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

" Putrando"
Sung to the tune of "Sloprano (The Great Mighty Poo)"
From the N64 game
Conker's Bad Fur Day


"Court is now in session for the trial of Trucy Wright." The Judge announced for the court to hear.

"The defense is ready, Your Honor." Apollo confidently stated as the opposing prosecutor, Nahyuta Sahdmadhi, a Khura'inese monk who was also his foster brother, just stood behind the prosecutor's bench perfectly silent and motionless, his eyes closed as he held his right hand up and forming an 'O' with his index finger and thumb.

"And the prosecution?" The Judge asked as he directed his attention to Nahyuta, who continued to remain silent as he maintained his meditative pose. "Um, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi…?" The oblivious magistrate asked once again with wide eyes, resulting in an opera song beginning to play from an unknown source as the monk started to sing.


{Nahyuta}

Puuuuutrid…

I am Nahyuta Sahdmadhi,

And I will make you hate and despise me.

Ms. Wright's guilt is the truth,

So I must smite this putrid youth!

For I am the Holy Mother's voice!


Later in the trial, through the use of the fingerprint data, Apollo was on the attack by claiming that not only was the victim, Manov Mistree, killed by a third party, but he was murdered inside the coffin during the magic show.

"In other words, what if the victim was already dead in the coffin from the get-go?!" Apollo confidently asked with his best finger point.

"Oh, I see! In that case, the defendant's sword wouldn't have been the cause of death. How do you respond, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi?" The Judge asked as he looked over to the monk, who decided to sing his response as the opera music started to play again, only this time slightly faster.


{Nahyuta}

Do you really think you can win this trial?

Righteousness is with me, you putrid dolt!

Spiritual powers are based on others' revile,

How else would I keep my scarf afloat?


"Hyah!" Nahyuta yelled before throwing his rosary at Apollo, which proceeded to wrap itself tightly around his massive forehead.

"Wh-What the heck is this?" Apollo exclaimed, his eyes wide with terror as he struggled in vain to remove the beads.

"Satora imaoman domosamashi detashinuke taregasayo sonoka!" The monk shouted after performing a series of hand gestures that wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Naruto, resulting in the rosary tightening around Apollo's skull and causing him to scream out in pain.

Despite numerous trials and tribulations, with things getting so bad for the defense that the Judge was in the middle of declaring Trucy guilty and was only stopped thanks to Apollo interrupting him and turning the case around with some quick thinking, after so much effort, the truth was finally coming to light. Apollo not only managed to prove that the sword that was used to kill the victim wasn't the same one that Trucy stabbed into the coffin thanks to a slight of hand that she perform that allowed her to swap out the metal sword for a much more harmless rubber one, but that the victim wasn't the real Mr. Reus, but rather an imitation act who was killed by the real Mr. Reus, Roger Retinz.

Being both a sleazy television producer and a man who was trained under the tutelage of Magnifi Gramarye, the King of Jerks, Roger put up quite the fight and was able to worm his way out of Apollo's accusations. However, like with many corrupt criminals in the past, Mr. Reus was eventually cornered thanks to a flash of inspiration in that the reason why the victim's finger prints were backwards in the coffin was because Retinz hadn't anticipated the error that happened during the show.

"A person who was in the magic show… would never have made the mistake of putting the blood on the wrong side. Least of all Ms. Wright, who surely would've remembered she was on the other side." Apollo smirked.

"Oh, my! You're absolutely right!" The Judge exclaimed with a look of shock on his face.

"Nnnnnnngh…" Nahyuta growled as he pulled on his rosary and glared daggers at the horn-haired attorney. "Why, you impudent…"

"I'm sure you've already realized it by now, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi… that your claim that Ms. Wright is the culprit just doesn't hold up." Apollo stated with a confident look.

Though after the vertically-challenged attorney said this, the opera music began to play even faster than the last time.


{Nahyuta}

Now you've incited my holy rage,

You're like a putrid, sinful, wretched, noxious smell!

Once the defendant's guilt has been gaged,

Her Holiness will damn you both straight to Hell!


{Apollo}

To Hell?


{Nahyuta}

To Hell!


{Apollo}

To Hell!?


{Nahyuta}

That's right!

To Hell!


{Apollo}

No!


{Nahyuta}

To Hell!


{Apollo}

You're insane!


{Nahyuta}

To Heeell!


"Objection! Really? Ms. Wright and I? Because I'd think you're the one with a ticket there for trying to convict an innocent girl." Apollo smugly retorted, prompting Nahyuta to belt out one final verse as he pulled at his rosary.


{Nahyuta}

Putriiiiid!

Putriiiiiid!

Putriiiiiiid!

Putriiiiiiiid!

PUTRIIIIIIIIIIIIID!


Eventually, the rosary couldn't handle the tension any further and snapped, causing the beads to hit the monk in the face in a rapid-fire fashion, resulting in him being launched slightly in the air and landing on the floor behind the prosecutor's bench back-first.

Apollo smirked.

"Now that's what I call divine judgement!"

Notes:

JP: I've been collaborating with Mr_Coffee on some fluffy romantic drabbles on his wall, called Heart-Warming Java Shots - A Señor Java & Jordan Phoenix Collaboration! Next up is me and Lyn's next chapter of our Dahlstoph tale, then the next TE chapter! I'll be a busy bee while in captivity! Bzz! Bzz! 😊

Chapter 96: Señorita… Fey Kitten

Notes:

JP: For DJJ680 and anyone out there who wanted more Miego. Mother's Day is around the corner (and already is in some parts of the world!) so I thought I'd pay homage to… Mamma Mia (and the sexiest papi in the AA universe!) Diego! 😉

CT: Leave it to JP to remind us of the joys of Miego. Heck, I'm kind of surprised that Capcom has never tried to create a romantic sitcom anime based off Miego. I mean, you've got Diego, who's the wise-cracking womanizer with a heart of gold that's filled with coffee who tries his best to form a relationship with Mia, the strong woman on a mission and doesn't have time for his games. And all the while, you have Grossberg, the bumbling boss who cockblocks the main male character at any given opportunity, and Hammond, that one sleazy employee who makes everyone look good by comparison.

Chapter Text

"Señorita… Fey Kitten"
sung to the tune of  "Marian The Librarian"
from the 1962 movie 
The Music Man

 

After moiling over the case files of their upcoming trial in two days for the tenth hour, a certain java loving defense attorney was ready to call it a night. But not until he took full advantage that he and his comely colleague were alone together at the Grossberg Law Offices, at last.

"It's Cupid's Day, madam attorney." Diego Armando drained the last of his umpteenth cup of joe and languidly stretched his arms over his head. "What say we call it a night and grab a drink, celebrate the last few hours of the Hallmark Holiday? I need something stronger than caffeine right about now and I'm sure a good, stiff one wouldn't hurt you, either."

His can't-miss innuendo appeared to have gone completely over the buxom beauty's head – just like most of his ever-increasingly forward flirtations with her since she'd joined the firm last September. The rookie lawyer just continued to keep her satiny caramel-colored head buried in the paperwork for the upcoming Terry Fawles trial, barely acknowledging the come-hither vibes of her ardent would-be suitor – as was tradition.

Usually, the recently reformed womanizing legal eagle didn't mind a gal who played hard to get. If anything, a challenge only further piqued his interest. But with Mia Fey, it was different. Diego had ruefully acknowledged some time ago that his interest in the buxom beauty went far beyond seeing her as a potential conquest. This was the real thing – she'd gotten into his heart and mind, not merely his blood.

Unfortunately, his skirt-chasing reputation and being such a hit with the mamacitas of LA seemed to be the one speedbump in his hot pursuit of this particular feisty female, who made it quite clear she had no desire to be another notch on his admittedly heavily marked bedpost, and thus, never took his interest in her seriously.

Tonight, though, he vowed, things would be different. The swarthy, silver-tongued Latino wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. Women loved the whole romantic notion of Valentine's Day – this one couldn't be that different! Sure, the gorgeous brunette might be more in possession of sensibility and brains than the other meaningless bimbos he'd bedded in the past, but she was still a member of the opposite sex! And if there was one thing Diego knew as well as he knew the law, it was women – women and what made them tick – both in and out of la cama!

And Mia Fey was definitely all woman, and tonight, he'd prove it!

He loped over to his co-worker's desk and braced his hands upon her desk so she was at eye-level with his tanned, toned forearms. They were fully exposed, with his red shirt-sleeves rolled back, as was the strong column of his neck and muscled chest, strategically unbuttoned at the top, for her viewing pleasure. His spicy aftershave seemed to have caught her attention even when his cocktail invitation apparently hadn't, because she wasn't even pretending to read the papers in her hand anymore.


[Diego]

Señorita… Fey Kitten…
I'll say this for all to hear, I'm no Shakespeare
Te quiero mucho…mucho
Señorita Fey Kitten …
Que Dios me ayude… I am filled with such desire
It so wildly in me burns within
I can no longer hide it from Señorita
Fey Kitten
I don't mean to leer, I'm helpless my dear… Te deseo mucho, mucho
Señorita Fey Kitten …
I'm on fire and the sparks between us have been lit
My passion for you is ferocious
Discuple you find it atrocious … Señorita
Fey Kitten


The suave Hispanic cradled her trembling fingers within his briefly, before allowing her to see the unveiled devotion on his face, as clear as day. Then, as he turned over her hand and placed a kiss upon her palm, the look of unhindered love within his dark gaze took her breath away.


[Diego]

If I sang this at twilight… would you believe it?
At magical twilight
Un amante would know su querida
Would believe in his heart she belongs
And that his love will be forever strong
Yet when I try my dear, to woo, I fear
Te quiero mucho…mucho
Señorita Fey Kitten …
You may well think that it's a sin
Is your heart a prize that I will never win?
I'm a helpless man that is so smitten con linda 
Fey Kitten


As he finished the song, Diego raised his head to gauge her reaction to his declaration. He felt his heart twist when he saw those beautiful eyes were swimming with tears and was uncertain if they were of joy – or confusion.

Gently, he brushed a crystal drop of moisture from the corner of her eye with his thumb.

"No tears," he whispered, his expression more tender than he would have believed possible. "The only time a lawyer can cry is when it's over. With all my heart, I hope that's not the case – that this is over before it's even begun."

He's right.

Mia's heart was aching with love for him as she traced her fingertips over the angular planes of his beautiful face. There would be time enough for tears later. Tears of triumph from when they won their first trial. Tears of anger from when they had their first fight. Tears of ecstasy when she finally gave in to this raging passion that was threatening to incinerate them both…

"Te deseo, Mia." His smoky cadence was like a caress to her already-aroused senses. "I want you and I need you. But I won't push you. It has to be your choice."

Mia nodded, her heart in her throat. He had to be the sexiest thing on two legs standing there, even in his legal business attire. The look he leveled at her from under his straight black brows was fiercely intense, searching for any hint of uncertainty in her.

Then his mouth settled against hers and she was enveloped by the warmth of a thousand suns, all at once, as he kissed her with barely restrained passion, groaning as she melted willingly against him.

It was an inner heat that blazed the moment he touched her. Mia let it sweep through her. She would no longer try to fight the feelings that engulfed her another moment. She'd been fighting them for too long. For this one kiss, logic and reality could shit on its hands and clap. She'd had enough reality to last her a lifetime. This was an escape to a wonderful paradise, where only she and Diego existed, and she wholeheartedly welcomed it.

His feverish lips trailed along her jaw to her throat as his fingers trailed down her supple back and lower, to the full curve of her buttocks. He lifted her leg over his hip, fitting her against the part of him that swelled and strained against the front of his trousers, letting her feel the unignorable evidence of just how much he wanted her.

Instinctively, her hands came up to steady herself. She wound her arms around Diego's neck as he parted her willing lips and deepened the kiss. Masterfully he explored her lips, tasting and claiming territory that had lain fallow for too long. Desire awakened inside her and came to life like a seed in the spring.

Lord have mercy, she'd never known a man's touch could incite her senses to riot. This was incredible. This was something she had never experienced.

He kissed her again, slowly deeply as if they had years for just this one kiss. With every fiber of her being, Mia wished they did. She wished they would have forever. Surely the love she'd stored up in her heart would last that long and then some…

Chapter 97: I'm The Phantom

Notes:

CT: I would like to thank JP for allowing me to use this chapter to close out a story arc that I spent the last few chapters of my "Debeste of Friends" fanfic writing. For those of you who haven't read that story and don't feel like reading it, here's a brief summary:

During Sebastian's freshman year at Themis, as you'd expect, he had only one friend, an OC I created named Chloe Ernst who was the school mascot and had social anxiety/self-esteem issues that were so crippling that she wouldn't casually talk or take off her costume. However, if Chloe was pretending to be someone else (something she had quite the talent for with her keen observational skills, eidetic memory, and the artistic prowess to create flawless masks), she was perfectly fine. Though despite her unrivaled ability to become anyone on the stage, Chloe wished that she was brave enough to be herself- a desire that resulted her developing a crush on Sebastian.

However, after making the mistake of asking Sebastian out on a date, Blaise got involved, and as you know, when Blaise gets involved, people disappear. However, despite nearly three years of unspeakable torture at the hands of Blaise, after his arrest, Chloe was able to escape. Though despite being free from her suffering, the pain had forever shattered her psyche, stripping her of all her morality as she fled the country and became the Phantom that we know and hate.

As such, since this is parody involves Simon dealing with the person who killed his mentor and ruined his life and Sebastian having to come to terms with a person he once knew as a friend having become an emotionless monster, it's not going to have my usual brand of humor.

So with that in mind, I hope that nica2026 enjoys the parody of I'm the Bad Guy that they suggested.

JP: For anyone reading my collab drabbles with ForGreatCoffee (on his wall) called Heartwarming Java Shots they'll know I'm no stranger to throwbacks to my own works within my other stories, so I figured green light for CT's pimping out of his criminally underrated story about the fiendish trio! Check it out – it's your twisted, snaflatulating brand of CzarThwomp humor at its finest, as demonstrated here with no exception! 😊

Chapter Text

" I'm the Phantom"
Sung to the tune of "I'm the Bad Guy"
From 
Wander of Yonder

 

After the Phantom's arrest, Simon thought that he would be instantly assigned as the prosecutor for the case. After all, who better to prosecute the Phantom than the man who knew more than anyone else did when it came to the spy's methods? Who better to lead the case than the prosecutor with the psychological knowledge to go toe-to-toe with the Phantom's mind games? Who was more deserving to be the prosecutor to lock away this soulless husk of a human being than the man who was not only arrested for murder and put on death row because of that monster, but also was tortured nearly every day for a year thanks to that psycho spy killing and assuming the identity of the most annoying dolt to ever receive a police badge and then proceeding to stick to him like glue on the grounds of 'rehabilitation'?

However, life's rarely straightforward and goes as expected. Simon learned that lesson the hard way when he entered Metis' lab on that fateful day, only to find his beloved mentor dead and little Athena standing there with blood on her face, smiling and saying how she was 'fixing' her mother like something out of a horror film; he learned it once more when it was revealed that the bumbling detective who was only capable of raising his ire and blood pressure was the very spy he was trying to apprehend; and on this day, he was learning it a third time as he found himself walking to the detention center's visitor's room to see the Phantom- not as the prosecutor for the case, but rather to assist in questioning and to provide emotional support to the lead prosecutor, Sebastian Debeste.

"I can't believe that the Phantom's a girl, Mr. Blackquill." Sebastian said with unease in his voice, his gaze pointed towards the ground as he slowly walked forward, almost as if his body was on auto-pilot. "Not only that, but she's Chloe Ernst, my best friend from Themis!"

"Your best friend was someone who has caused me nothing but pain, misery, and irritation for seven years? I have to say, Deworste, that's the least surprising thing I learned about the Phantom yet." Simon wryly commented, only for his remark to go right over his naïve coworker's head.

"Why, when Mr. Edgeworth told me that the Phantom was Chloe, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I mean, we all thought that Chloe was dead ever since she vanished without a trace on Halloween of 2016. But then Mr. Edgeworth showed me all the forensics tests that they ran on the Phantom, and sure enough, they matched Chloe's information to a tee- at least the information that they could gather. Apparently, Chloe burnt off her fingerprints several years ago."

"Do you blame her? Why, if I were your friend at any point in time, I'd have perfected the art of sky diving without a parachute." Simon chuckled.

"Is this just one big joke to you, Mr. Blackquill?" Sebastian asked in an uncharacteristically serious tone as he looked up at his fellow prosecutor with grief-filled eyes. "Do you find it amusing that my only friend during my time at Themis turned into some international spy who blew up a courtroom and sabotaged two space missions funny? Because it isn't. You don't understand how painful this is to me!"

"Don't understand?! DON'T UNDERSTAND!?" Simon roared as he flashed his coworker a death glare. "You listen to me, you little git! Your 'friend' snuffed out the life of my beloved mentor, forcing me to take the fall and spend seven long, agonizing years on death row so that the innocent girl who had her mother unjustly stolen away from her by your 'chum' wouldn't have the crime of matricide hanging over her head for the rest of her life! You want to talk about pain? Do you understand how it feels to cry yourself to sleep every night for seven years in a cold, dark jail cell because you know that with each passing day you're one step closer to being killed like an animal for a crime you didn't commit, the fear of your sacrifice being in vain while the real criminal runs free?! Do you know how it feels to finally have a chance to fight back and be part of the plan to have that criminal put away, only to later learn that the detective assigned to be your partner was the monster you were hunting down and was playing you like a fiddle!?"

"You suffered for seven years?" Sebastian scoffed. "Try 17. Ever since I could remember, my pops had made my life a living hell. Every morning, Pops would wake me up by hitting my crotch with some kind of blunt object; and every evening, he would tell me that I'd be doing the world a favor if I killed myself. Pops would barely feed me, not wanting his food to be wasted on an unwanted idiot, he would lock me in a closet whenever he couldn't hire some little kid to babysit me for mere cents or if he just felt like it, and he wouldn't even 'waste' money on buying me different clothes. Why do you think I only wear my old Themis uniform? It's all I know! Heck, do you know what my childhood bed was? It was some futon that Pops apparently killed a couple over and then proceeded to break with a bat and then give to me because he found it to be too soft. That's right! According to my pops, I was only worthy of his trash because that's what he saw ME as! And it wasn't just Pops! When I was at school, the other kids would hate me because they thought that I was stupid, my teachers hated me because they thought that I was annoying, and the janitors hated me because I always had… accidents because I had to potty train myself!

But then I met Chloe, a kind, caring girl who built up my self-esteem, not tear it down; who listened to me, not ignore me; and who treated me like a human being and not as some joke! Chloe believed in me and we would spend hours after school having deep conversations about our thoughts, hopes, and dreams- well, I would talk while she would use a speak-and-say or something of the sort. In fact, Chloe was the first girl to ask me out, but on our first and only date, I was too assertive and scared her off, never to see her again…" Sebastian let out a long sigh, tears that he had been trying his hardest to hold back during his tangent streaming down his redden cheeks that he proceeded to wipe away. "For the last 11 years, I had to live with the guilt that Chloe was dead because of me; that if I had only been a little smarter, or a little more enounced- er, nuanced, she would have stayed at that dance just little longer and would still be with us. And now I learn that Chloe's alive, only to find out that she's done so many bad things and has hurt you, a guy who a see as one of my best friends…"

"Heh…" Simon softly chuckled. "You know, you really aren't all that bright if you think that. So tell me, Deworste, why do you see me as one of your best friends despite all the times I insulted you, had Taka attack you, and used your pathetic tricycle to break my shackles?"

"Simple, Mr. Blackquill: because you need a friend." Sebastian stated matter-of-factly with a small grin. "You try to hide your pain behind your edgy tough guy persona, but deep-down, you're hurting and crying out for help. You created that image to convince the world that you were strong and capable, but more importantly, you did it to convince yourself. I was the same way when I was first starting out as a prosecutor…" A small tear trickled down the naïve prosecutor's cheek. "I-I acted like I was so cool, as if I was the best of the best and that everyone was beneath me in the hopes that I could finally win my Pop's love. But then I met Justine and Mr. Edgeworth, who taught me that if you have someone to guide you and be your friend, then you don't need to hide behind fake personas; that you can be yourself and that no matter what kind of bad stuff life's thrown at you, you can move past it and find peace."

"Well, well. It seems like you do have a brain somewhere in that head, Deworste." Simon remarked in mock amazement before turning his back to his coworker. "You know, when Edgeworth-dono chose you to prosecute this case instead of me, I couldn't grasp his logic- how he could pick someone like you over someone like me on the grounds of 'conflict of interest', but I think I finally understand his reasoning…"

"Yay! Mr. Blackquill's warming up to me!" Sebastian chirped.

"I said nothing of the sort- only that you aren't completely useless." Simon curtly responded. "Now let's go. We need to spend less time discussing our inner demons and more time questioning the Phantom."

"Right." Sebastian nodded as he and his coworker picked up their pace as they made their way to the visitor's area.

When Sebastian had first learned from Edgeworth that the Phantom was his old high-school friend, he was prepared for the worst. After all, if your hopes are as low as they can go, things can only get better. However, nothing could prepare the naïve prosecutor for what he saw when he entered the visitor's room with Simon.

Behind the bulletproof glass sat a woman of around five feet, five inches in height, though she looked a bit shorter on account of how she slightly hunched over with crossed arms as she vacantly stared out the window towards the back wall. Maybe she was formulating an escape plan, or perhaps she trying to come to terms with how her, a superspy who prided herself on her complete lack of emotions, was bested by a bluffing idealist who had just gotten his badge back, a wannabe therapist, and some small, loud, edgy child. But what thoughts were racing through Chloe's mind were the least of Sebastian's issues as he took note of her appearance.

While the naïve prosecutor had never seen Chloe without her mask, he was certain that she didn't look the way she did when last they saw each other all those years ago, and that said years were less than kind to her, to say the least. Chloe's skin was pale and chalky, almost as if she was a ghost who had never even heard of the sun, let alone see it, and was covered in scars and stitches, making her resemble something akin to Frankenstein's monster- something that was made all the more apparent thanks to the short-sleeve prison shirt that the police gave her on account of her not wearing anything other than her body suit doing nothing to hide her gaunt, twig-like arms. Like her arms, Chloe's frame was thin, with the only full feature being her breasts which were nearly entirely covered by her long, messy dirty-blonde hair cascading over her shoulders and down to her waist, her bangs partially obscuring her emerald-green eyes, with the right one being noticeably cracked at the top, not unlike a broken egg.

For a brief moment, an awkward silence filled the air as Simon and Chloe locked eyes with stoic, emotionless expressions as Sebastian stood off to the side as stiff as a soldier as he desperately tried to keep himself from crying. But then suddenly, the silence was broken- not by either of the prosecutors, but rather the convict herself.

"Prosecutor Blackquill…" Chloe mentioned in a monotone voice with a face to match. "When they told me that I would be visited by the prosecutor for my trial, I figured it would be you. After all, what kind of 'samurai' walks away without one final showdown with his archenemy...? Perhaps the same kind of 'samurai' who cried himself to sleep for seven years over his inability to save his mentor and never bothered to wipe his tears away like the little bitch that he is…" The Phantom emotionlessly tittered, internally savoring the scowl that was starting to form on the Twisted Samurai's face. "Or were you just feeling a bit homesick? Not that I'd blame you. After all, this was home-sweet-home for you for the last seven years after you so kindly took the fall for me after I taught Metis why smart people don't leave swords lying around."

"Save your breath, Phantom." Simon curtly stated as he turned his back to the spy. "You can try to get under my skin until you're blue in the face, but you'll never succeed, and do you know why…?" The Twisted Samurai turned around to smirk at his longtime enemy and brought Sebastian over to the window. "Because in a few days, this will be your permanent home after the prosecutor for this case reminds the court of your countless crimes."

"I-I-I…" Sebastian stammered, bending his baton as he continued to hold back the tears forming in his eyes.

"Well, if he's the prosecutor for this case, Blackquill, then maybe you wouldn't mind doing another sentence for me after I get released and tie up some loose ends with that Athena girl you care so much about." Chloe emotionlessly mused, not even flinching when Simon slammed his fist on the glass that was separating them.

"If by some slim chance you manage to weasel your way out of paying for your crimes, the day I allow you anywhere near Athena is the day I eat a hamburger while watching an English dub of a beloved anime!" Simon snarled.

"Don't worry, Blackquill. Even if your friend completely fails, there's still a chance he could pull through. After all, you've seen it first-hand with those Anything Agency lawyers. Who knows? Your little friend may squeeze out a victory thanks to the judge taking pity on him and those cute little Bambi eyes he's giving me now." Chloe said with a lifeless giggle and a hint of intrigue in her gaze as she directed her attention to the other prosecutor. "So, little guy, what's your name?"

"Y-You don't know my name?" Sebastian asked in a devastated tone.

"Correct." The Phantom nodded. "I may be an international spy who can become anyone, but that doesn't mean that I know everyone."

"B-But you do know me!" Sebastian whimpered.

"Trust me, kid. After spending a year working with Prosecutor Evan Draven here, I think I would remember seeing someone like you." Chloe joked in a deadpan tone as she gestured over to Simon, who's only response was to quickly shoot her a glare. "So once again, who are you."

Sebastian took a brief pause to wipe away his tears and straighten his posture. "I'm Prosecutor Sebastian Debeste."

"So?" Chloe shrugged with pure indifference.

"So?!" Sebastian exclaimed. "Don't you remember me, Chloe? It's me, Sebastian, your old best friend! We were freshmen in Themis together! We ate lunch every day! You helped me with my homework every day! You even helped get me down from the flagpole every other day after the football team would hoist me up to the top by my Underoos! You mean to tell me that you don't remember any of that?!"

"Like I said at Cykes' trial, I left my memories, personality, beliefs, emotions, and soul behind a long time ago. You see, when a person's tortured every day for nearly three years in almost complete isolation- their flesh peeled off, bones broken, and even being forced to eat one of their eyes after it's painfully removed from its socket with a melon baller- it shouldn't be all that surprising that when said person is finally freed from captivity by the police, they proceed to make the officers to find them… disappear to cover their tracks before running off and leaving their crappy life behind. Actually, scratch that. I can't say that I cast away all of my past…"

"Wha-What do you mean…?" Sebastian weakly asked as he cocked his head off to the side in confusion.

"Well, remember how I killed Fulbright in order to infiltrate the L.A.P.D. and stop Edgeworth and Blackquill's plan to bust me? Well, he wasn't my original target. That honor would belong to a certain science-loving detective working under none other than Klavier Gavin..." Chloe rolled her eye, the tiniest spark of rage flickering in her good pupil before quickly being extinguished by her icy stoicism. "After all, if I was going to go through the trouble of killing a detective and stealing their identity for the sake of revenge, I might as well have done it right by also getting revenge on one of my old bullies, someone who reminded me of all the pain I felt before I became the Phantom. And what better way to do so than by killing a girl that he's clearly head-over-heels for? But after doing some recon and discovering that the girl was as fed up with that pompous peacock as I was, I decided to cut her a brake and instead target the dumb oaf of a detective who felt that it was a good idea to walk the streets alone at night."

"So you do remember who you are, Chloe…?" Sebastian softly grinned, a glimmer of hope filling his eyes. "In that case, during your trial, just admit to your crimes! That way, you can receive the help you need, get over whatever bad things happened to you since the last time we saw each other, and you can go back to being Chloe Ernst, my best friend!"

"How many times do I have to say this? I put my past behind me a long time ago and am never going back." Chloe stated in the same monotone voice despite the angry undertone in her words. "I would rather walk up to that assassin who failed to shoot me during the trial, get down on my knees, put the barrel of their gun in my mouth, and guide their hand to the trigger before going back to being Chloe Ernst, the mascot who was kidnapped off of the streets for merely being herself.

"But-" Sebastian tried to argue, only to be immediately interrupted.

"Fine." The Phantom stated with the slightest hint of anger in her voice. "In that case, let me put this in a way you'll understand: in song."


{Chloe}

I'm not the girl who was your friend.

I'm not some oaf who you can just condescend.

I'm not the dorky mascot who'd dance to the school anthem.

No, I'm the Phantom.

All of the sins that I've committed:

Murders, bombings, and getting you, emo weeb, indicted,

And so many more that few could hope to fathom.

So who am I?


"Y-You're the Phantom, but-" Sebastian whimpered, trying his best to hold back the tears forming in his eyes, only to be interrupted by the girl who used to be his friend.


{Chloe}

Oh, it's so grand,

To see this sad land,

Fall into chaos.

Oh, it's a blast,

To learn people's pasts,

Which I use to completely destroy their lives.


{Blaise?}

Y'see, 'cause I'm the Phantom!


"How does she have a mask of Pops?! I thought that they took away all of her masks!" Sebastian replied in a flustered tone.

"How does Prosecutor Dandy's brother have a solitary cell that's nicer than most penthouses despite killing several people?" Simon angrily retorted as he glared daggers at the woman who ruined his life. "Our police force is completely inept when it comes to punishing criminals… with the unfortunate exception being when they confiscated my mangas!"


{Blaise?}

Y'see, the world's my playpen,


{Metis?}

I see someone,

I become them.

Care to theorize why?


{Chloe}

I've always had a penchant,

For acting and for vengeance.

I become your loved ones so I can break your soul.


{Blaise?}

Y'know, I find this quite amusing,


{Athena?}

That you're so blind to how this is a fight you're losing!

I'll just escape from here in the blink of an eye!

Why?

C'mon, guys! Guess!


{Sebastian and Simon}

'Cause you're… the Phantom…


"And that's why you're Debeste." Chloe deadpanned.

Chapter 98: A Brand New Start

Summary:

JP: For one of my best buddies, both on and off this site, TheFreelancerSeal. It is with a thankful heart that I dedicate this request pal, because now, more than ever, you have proven to be the kind of true-blue friend that Disney creates songs about! And the Muppets are now part of Team Rodent! Hope you like it!

CT: Christmas is a time for joy and miracles, so it's only fitting that a parody of a Christmas song is the only time in this fanfic where you'll see Apollo given any respect whatsoever. I'm sorry, but as much as I love Apollo as a character, it's just too much fun to put him down on account of how everything in the universe is against him- his friends, his rivals, and even the game developers- and his response is to unload a metric ton of snark as he toughs it out.

Chapter Text

 

"A Brand-New Start"
Sung to the tune of "(With A) Thankful Heart"
from the movie

The Muppet Christmas Carol

 

 

District Courthouse – October 9, 2026

 

 

"Incidentally," Apollo informed his former employer with a smug grin. "The one responsible for making this happen...was Phoenix Wright."

Kristoph's eye began to discernably twitch with animus upon hearing the accursed name of his most hated foe.

"Phoe...Phoenix Wright...?"

As the weight of the disclosed ultimate bluff fell upon him like a bag of cement, the periwinkle pisshead man began quaking from head to toe, such was the force of his unsuppressed rage.

"So... Everything was leading to this. Of course... Right...Wright... Wright..."

It was at that exact moment the ever-composed legist lost the last lingering shards of his sanity … then proceeded to go completely, irrevocably, snake-fuckingly crazy.

Get back, folks! The horned lawyer drew back nervously. He's about to blow!

Standing there in the jurist's room, alongside a dozen pairs of thunderstruck juror eyes while these surreal events occurred on live camera, Phoenix coolly watched this as impassively as a movie-goer seeing the events unfold on the silver screen.

If only I'd thought to bring a bucket of popcorn…

Eftsoons, there was an earsplitting din unlike anything ever before heard within the walls of that courthouse as in the next instant, Kristoph Gavin fell utterly apart, unhinging his jaws and emanating a deafening, puling bray of defeat that appeared to have been forcibly ripped from the German's throat.

"Wright...Wright...WrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiGGGGGGGGgggggggggggGGGGGGGHhhhHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Kristoph's knees seemed to give out from under him right after, and a heavy thud sounded as he fell forward, then remained slumped over the witness stand.

Achtung, baby! Phoenix  stared with a combination of pity and loathing at Drew Misham and Zak Gramaraye's unraveled murderer. This show at least deserves some chocolate covered raisins!

However, despite having spent himself, and even in his limp, rag-doll state, the unglued fiend still managed to conjure up a maniacal, bone-chilling cackle; a non-stop, hysterical cachinnating that echoed through the courtroom and froze the blood of everyone within it.

Even from afar, that haunting death rattle would undoubtedly continue to resonate in the hobo's ears and plague his dreams for years to come.

Despite this, the card shark stonily witnessed this all while feeling utterly devoid of any emotion at the downfall of his longtime tormentor. Kristoph was nothing more than a shadow of his once-formidable self now, uncaring about the wrinkling of his once pristine suit sleeves, which he clenched in his fists, while he rocked back and forth and stared sightlessly ahead like a traumatized child. He was naught more than a spasming, unkempt disarray now; a far cry from the once perfectly groomed, sophisticated Coolest Defense In The West persona he'd once prided himself on being.

Revenge was a dish served cold, indeed.

The vindicated poker champ felt himself sagging with relief back into a nearby chair at the sight of Herr Snapped Like A Twig in his seemingly catatonic state now being forcibly dragged away from the courtroom, his once chiseled features frozen into a contorted mask of hatred.

Looks like a one-way ticket to the funny farm for you, Kristoph. The spiky-haired DILF didn't even flinch as he got up from his seat and made his way to the courtroom where his protege and daughter were. Meanwhile, this phoenix will rise from the ashes at last. It's taken a long time since the day you thought you took me down for good, but No More Mr. Nice Guy. I got the last laugh in the end. You broke the boy in me but you couldn't break the man.


[Phoenix]

It's a brand-new start, world lookout, ahoy!
Risen from the ash with that jurist ploy
No more shamed Forging Attorney!


[Chorus: Apollo,Trucy, and Klavier]

(Shamed Forging Attorney!)


[Phoenix]

My verdict was NOT GUILTY!


[Chorus]

(Verdict was NOT GUILTY!)


[Phoenix]

My brand new protégé, I thank with all my heart
For your brilliant defense and your lawyer smarts


(Apollo *blushes furiously*)


[Phoenix]

I can now say: "Clients, my defense is yours!"
Scrubbing toilets hence that won't be my chore!


*Phoenix points at the little red attorney with a smirk*


Apollo: me?! What the heck?!


[Phoenix]

Legal skills that will show new stealth!


[Chorus]

(Skills that will show new stealth!)


[Phoenix]

Cleared rep with a clean bill of health!


[Chorus]

(Cleared rep with a clean bill of health!)


[Phoenix]

I will bluff without recourse, but from truth I shan't depart
Blessings from above, helped this brand-new start


*Phoenix looks up and the heavens and mouths: "Thank you, Chief!"*


[Phoenix]

My path as an attorney
God knows what's round the bend?
Yet there's one fact that I know, the reason here I stand…


*Phoenix gestures to his protege and daughter*


[Phoenix]

It's all due to my friends!


*Apollo cough awkwardly,Trucy giggles, and Klavier doesn't know whether to feel relieved that the truth behind that dreadful case seven years ago has been brought to light or devastated at the realization that his brother played him like a cheap fiddle*


[Phoenix]

Don't be shy, it's all true
Thanks to you all, I'm free
When my path led astray, you helped me on the way
And I'm back to being me!


[Phoenix]

With this brand-new start, there's so much at stake
Will think before I act oh for heaven's sake!


[Phoenix]

Hobo gear was just a phase!
And goodbye to my poker days!


[Phoenix]

Be the best lawyer I can be!


*Phoenix smiles fondly at Trucy*


[Phoenix]

But a father first at heart…


*Phoenix reaches out and manages to grab Apollo, Trucy, Klavier, and even the Judge in a tight group hug while they all squeal*


[Phoenix]

I embrace you lot with this brand-new start


*Phoenix's voice breaks*


[Phoenix]

And I love each of you with all my heart!

Chapter 99: Don't Yield

Notes:

CT: Once again, JP and I have decided to spice things up for the next two chapters by taking each other's requests, so for this parody, I'm tackling chloemcg's suggestion for us to do Staying Alive from Hamilton. And what better group to feature in a parody about a bunch of freedom fighters who caused quite a stir than our favorite unyielding dragon and his own band of competent, reliable rebels… and Datz?

For those of you who are curious, this parody takes place right after the events of Chapter 11 of my The Imperial Daddy fanfic. So, if you're wondering why the beginning of this parody seems a bit forward, that's the reason.

JP: It is with great pleasure that we could fulfill the request of our dearest, most loyal readers, chloemcg. Hope you enjoy the parody, milady! As for CT's throwback to his side-splitting FF based on Inga's adventures in fatherhood and his nightmarish marriage to Her Malevolence, it is side-splitting but not for the faint-hearted! XD

Chapter Text

 

" Don't Yield"
Sung to the tune of
"Staying Alive" from
the hit Broadway stage production
"Hamilton"


"Try all ya want, you filthy son of a Ga'ran, but you will never defeat Minister Inga!" Inga roared as he delivered a swift kick to the jaw of Dhurke's corpse which was lying in a pool of its own blood on the cold floor of Amara's tomb.

"I can't believe this is happening!" Inga fumed as he angrily paced back and forth, not unlike a riled lion. "As if it wasn't bad enough that cowardly asshole sucker-punched me unconscious, locked me in this damn tomb, and ruined the Plumed Punisher special that I spent the last three weeks working on, but now he's stolen my new private jet to steal my orb and ruin my plans to finally free myself from my succubus of a wife! Damn Dhurke- taking away my Plan B to escape to a place where Ga'ran can't ambush me in the bathroom if this orb plot fell through! What next, Dhurke?! Did you pay for an hour's worth of commercials that consist of a single ad of you doing a happy dance in front of a banner that reads 'Screw You, Inga'?!"

At that moment, as if on cue, a familiar boisterous voice could be heard from the television that the Minister had brought in days prior in order to appease his burger-loving captive.

"I hope that you enjoyed the special ending of today's Plumed Punisher episode, people of Khura'in, because we're not done." Dhurke boasted, prompting Inga to rush over to the television and glare daggers at the rebel's smug pre-recorded grin.

"Dhurrrrrke…!" Inga snarled as he gripped and squeezed the life out of the sides of the television, almost as if it would somehow hurt the rebel leader from beyond the grave.

"First, Ga'ran openly spat in the face of justice and human rights by creating the DC Act; then, she began using the secret police as a militia to swiftly dispose of anyone who dares to even slightly disagree with her tyrannical rule; and finally, we have the rotting cherry on top of the sundae of vileness and villainy that is Ga'ran's rule: that crone having her husband create a t.v. show with the sole intent of brainwashing our youths- something that we will not stand for any longer!" Dhurke boldly proclaimed with a fierce look in his eyes and his arm extended out and fingers clenched to resemble a dragon's maw. "Therefore, we, the Defiant Dragons, the last bastion of decency and morality in this holy land, have decided to fight fire with fire."

As Dhurke finished speaking, a cluster of rebels stepped onscreen behind their leader, their faces obscured by darkness, as three others- Datz, a slender man who was wearing a long, flowing black robe and a crimson-red dragon mask, and a much smaller woman who was wearing a similar outfit to the other man- walked over to their leader and stood by his side.

After a brief pause to make sure that everyone was in position, Datz took out a remote control and used it to turn on a nearby boombox, causing it to play a funky beat before the dragon mask-wearing woman started singing in a voice that was clearly masked by a voice changer.


{Beh'leeb}

Don't yield…

Don't yield…


{Datz}

I never thought that I'd live to see you this enraged,

'Til I saw Ga'ran's new attack in this war we've waged,

Queenie says, "You're a monster and a foe to kids."

But to that I say, those are just nasty, outrageous fibs!

The Ga'ran Regime strives to corrupt justice, the truth,

That's why they try to hunt us all down,

And poison the minds of youths!


{Dhurke}

There's no need to get worked up.


{Datz}

But Dhurke!


{Dhurke}

Datz, please, there's still hope left in the land of Khura'in:

Her people, good and pure.


{Datz}

For sure!

{Dhurke}

Don't stand down,

Don't take flight,

Fight for what's right from morning until night.


{Datz}

We won't stop until all of Ga'ran's crimes are brought to light!


{Dhurke}

Don't!


{Datz}
Don't!


{Dhurke}

Yield!


{Datz}

Yield!


{Dhurke}

Bite down hard like your last meal!


{Datz}

Tell 'em, Dhurke!


{Dhurke}

There's no shortage of fine folks to enlist,

And we'll surround that cruel despot like mist!


{Datz and Tahrust}

Raise a fist!


{Tahrust}

I will head to the Bazaar and preach words of trust,

It may not be much,

But I do what is good and just.

I wear my armband with much pride,

Since I know that right is on my side,

And that the Holy Mother watches me with eyes of hope and pride.


{Datz}

We fight the police,

We march in the street,

We go straight to the people and are always on our feet,

And every day,

We make Inga hear our pleas,

But every day…


At that point, a tall, lanky rebel who- with the exception of his beard, mustache, and dark, slicked-back hair that was tied into a ponytail at the back- looked nothing like Inga and was dressed in an ill-fitting suit identical to the one that the Minister of Justice wore awkwardly walked onscreen.

"WHAT!" Inga roared at the top of his lungs, his nostrils flaring and his face becoming tomato-red at the sight of this defamation of this character as he slammed his palms against the television with enough for to cause it to almost tip over.


{Inga?}

No!


{Datz}

He just sits back in his posh seat.


{Datz (Beh'leeb)}

Instead of fairness,

(For shame!)

He promotes hate and fear,

(What a jerk!)

And laps up his victim's tears.


{Inga?}

I'm the Minister! Hee!


{Datz}

I don't trust that guy to uphold the law.


{Datz and Tahrust}

He turns a blind eye to the horrors he saw.


{Dhurke}

Fair trials for all!


{Inga?}

Never!


{Dhurke}

Justice!


{Inga?}

Never!


{Dhurke}

What's wrong with you, Inga?

Correct this error!


{Inga?}

Not while it benefits me!


{Dhurke}

If you won't do something, we will!

Datz!


{Datz}

Yeah, Dhurke?


{Dhurke}

Speak the truth and don't stand still!


{Datz}

Sure, Dhurke!


{Tahrust}

Hundreds of innocents are killed each and every day,

And only Ga'ran is allowed to have a say!


{Dhurke}

Inga's just a puppet,

Ga'ran's special little tot,

Sends him out to spout off things like this, but it's just one big plot:


{Inga?}

Dhurke's too dangerous to be allowed to be left alive,

Chaos and anarchy are where he thrives.

If he wants to help out the people of Khura'in,

He should just jump off of a cliff and become a bloody stain.


{All of the Rebels except Dhurke}

KAAAH!


{Dhurke}

Let him prattle.

Her Holiness knows what's real.


{Datz}

Sure thing, Dhurke!


{Dhurke}

There's still work we must do,

So we can heal.


{Tahrust}

Such hateful lies…

The royals must be shown the light.


{Datz}

We'll do just that once the day's been won!


{Tahrust}

That is quite true,

And with people like you, fairness will be lush.


{Datz}

Fellow rebel, you're making me blush!


"That's it! This day officially can't get any worse!" Inga shouted as he turned off the t.v. and pressed his head against the screen with a sigh.

However, as the Minister was bemoaning his misfortune, his phone, which was still lying on the floor after he learned the news of his private jet being stolen and had been ringing for the past minute, went to voice mail.

"You've reached the voicemail of Minister Inga Karkhuul Khura'in III. Leave a message after the beep… unless you're Ga'ran, in which case, leave a message after you take a walk in oncoming traffic."

"Inga! Inga! Where are you!?" Ga'ran snarled. "I've learned to accept that you can't answer a woman's desires to be ravished and satisfied in the bedroom, but I would have thought that even if you're incapable of properly using what little the Holy Mother has given you to please me, you'd at least be able to answer the phone! I swear, Inga! Between this, your train wreck of a Lady Kee'ra plan, and these two television hijackings done by the Defiant Dragons in the course of a single day, I am beyond furious, and you know how I get when I'm furious! So mark my words, Husband, the moment you enter the palace, I will use you to vent out my anger in the form of a long night of passion so sensual, so intimate, and so, so hot that we'll be able to make butter." The Queen purred in a tone that was both sultry and sinister. "In fact, I think we'll do just that. There's plenty of cream in my kitchen we can use, and I still have that mason jar from our last night of amour when I…."

As Ga'ran continued her lewd tangent entailing what she was going to do to Inga that evening, the Minister of Justice started to sob like a defeated child, his tears streaming down his face and soaking the television's screen.

Chapter 100: Whooop! CT & JP Double 100th Song Chapter Celebration!

Notes:

CT: Here it is, our 100th parody. I can't believe that we're officially now in the triple digits. Why, it feels like just yesterday when JP suggested that we do a collaborative parody story and PM'd me Make a (Free) Man Out of You.
However, even though we're at 100 parodies, we're not 100% done with this fanfic. Trust me, you'll know when that parody is because it'll be the only one featuring Nora Deplume. After all, it's not over until the fat lady sings… or at the very least has a traumatizing wardrobe malfunction.
On a slightly different topic, I want to take the time to thank everyone who has read these parodies. You guys, with your support, comments, and suggestions, give us the strength to do what we do, and without you, this fanfic wouldn't be half of what it is today.

JP: I dare you all to not sing along to this hauntingly catchy earworm – purposely set in the month of Halloween 🎃! – that my awesome partner's rendition of good guys battling it out in song against the baddies of Japalifornia! Hope you all enjoy this double edition 100th song-fic bonanza! Requested by Mr_Coffee. 😊

Chapter Text

 "This Is Ace Attorney"
Sung to the tune of
"This Is Halloween"
from Disney's
The Nightmare Before Christmas


{Sahwit, Wellington, and Lance}

Boys and girls of at least teen-age,

Wouldn't you like to see a series so strange?

Well, we'll take you on a journey,

Through our games of Ace Attorney.


{Gumshoe}

This is Ace Attorney,

This is Ace Attorney,

Prosecutors keep on cutting my pay.


{Gant}

This is Ace Attorney,

Cross-examine a birdy,

Lawyers with Chords of Steel like a sonic boom.

They're our games,

Object like Worthy,

In this series of Ace Attorney.


{Yanni}

I am the killer living in the boat shack,

Waiting in obscurity to strike back.


{Matt}

I am the villain hiding under your nose,

Hiring an assassin and stooping to new lows.


{The Gallery}

This is Ace Attorney,

This is Ace Attorney,

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!


{Manfred}

In this series,

I call home,

Perfect records are ruined with the pursuit song.


{Judge}

In this series, don't we love it now?

Everyone's waiting for the next turnabout.


{Lana}

Check that photo,

A scarf's in the muffler,

A contradiction's waiting to be found,

And you'll-


{Winston}

Objection!

This is Ace Attorney,

The Rookie Killer knows no mercy!


{Lang}

Intrigued yet, pup?


{Trucy}

Hey, that's really great!


[Space]

Voice your case,

Up the ante,

Look inside my magic panties,

Force Polly to be my assistant every day and night!


{Athena}

Everyone object!

Everyone object!


{Widget}

In our series of Ace Attorney.


{Kristoph}

I am the murderer with the skull-shaped scar,

Lost a poker game and went way too far.


{The Phantom}

I am the wraith without emotions or care,

I can be anyone and anywhere.


{Blaise}

I am the monster running the P.I.C.,

Launching the franchise with a single penalty.


{The Gallery}

This is Ace Attorney,

This is Ace Attorney,

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

{Armstrong}

Zee Ace Attorney!

Zee Ace Attorney!


{Ahlbi}

We've got strange people to spare,

It makes the games more fun, I swear!


{Betty}

That's how we are,


{Bonny}

But most of us lack fury,


{Betty and Bonny}

In our series of Ace Attorney.


{Meekins}

In this series, sir! I-


{Judge}

Don't we love it now?

Everyone's waiting for the next turnabout.


{Franziska}

Phoenix Wright ruins all of my perfect cases,

Objecting like a fool.

I'll whip him 'til he's on a gurney!

This is Ace Attorney,

I object perfectly!


{Pearl}

Mr. Nick's Mystic Maya's special somebody!


{Maya}

My friend Nick's the King of Comebacks,

He'll buy me burgers right after this song!


{The Gallery}

This is "Ace Attorney",

This is "Ace Attorney",

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

Ace Attorney!

{Edgeworth}

In this series,

I call home,

The truth's always found with the pursuit song.


{Everyone}

Ob, ob, ob, (Ace AttorneyJustice for All!)

Ob-ob-ob, ob, ob, (Trials and Tribulations! Apollo Justice!)

Ob-ob-ob, ob, ob, (Dual Destinies! Spirit of Justice!)

Ob-ob-ob, ob-ob-ob,


{Phoenix}

Objection!



JP: My turn! Happy October Everyone! My special milestone song-fic takes place after the DLC case from Spirit Of Justice, Turnabout Time Traveler, aboard banquet hall within the Flying Chapel after the wedding of Sorin Sprocket and Ellen Wyatt. Being the sucker that he is, Phoenix somehow gets roped into cleanup duty after the reception with his trustee BFF agreeing to help him. I hope you all enjoy this double chapter of our Celebratory Chapter 100, with me kicking off things (and CT's own homage the 100th Milestone following right after) with a dash of romance – dedicated to requested Teardrop1013 on A03 and Phaya lovers everywhere!

Happy 100th Song-Fic celebratory greetings to all! 😊

CT: Meanwhile, as Phoenix is proclaiming his love for Maya in song-form, Pearl, who is standing in a nearby doorway with her sleeve rolled up in preparation to slap him to within an inch of his life if he chickened out, slowly slides out of the room without her feet leaving the ground. I swear, considering that Phoenix has managed to remain unscathed for nine years despite denying both Pearl her fantasy of him marrying Maya and Trucy her desire to have a new mommy, Phoenix truly invincible and lucky beyond belief.


 

JP: My turn! Happy October Everyone! My special milestone song-fic takes place after the DLC case from Spirit Of Justice, Turnabout Time Traveler, aboard banquet hall within the Flying Chapel after the wedding of Sorin Sprocket and Ellen Wyatt. Being the sucker that he is, Phoenix somehow gets roped into cleanup duty after the reception with his trustee BFF agreeing to help him. I hope you all enjoy this double chapter of our Celebratory Chapter 100, with me kicking off things (and CT’s own homage the 100th Milestone following right after) with a dash of romance – dedicated to requested Teardrop1013 on A03 and Phaya lovers everywhere!

Happy 100th Song-Fic celebratory greetings to all! 😊

CT: Meanwhile, as Phoenix is proclaiming his love for Maya in song-form, Pearl, who is standing in a nearby doorway with her sleeve rolled up in preparation to slap him to within an inch of his life if he chickened out, slowly slides out of the room without her feet leaving the ground. I swear, considering that Phoenix has managed to remain unscathed for nine years despite denying both Pearl her fantasy of him marrying Maya and Trucy her desire to have a new mommy, Phoenix truly invincible and lucky beyond belief.


Gonna Be My Bride”
sung to the tune of “The Other Side”
from the musical film

The Greatest Showman

 

“Refresh my memory again, please.” Phoenix Wright expelled an exhausted groan, his bunched-up biceps showing visible strain from the weight of the pile of dirty dishes he had just grabbed off another banquet hall table. “How exactly did we end up being honored guests at the nuptials only to wind up being part of the cleanup crew right after?”

The Kurain leader, who’d somehow abandoned her task of gathering the champagne flutes off the table because she was too busy trying not to blush at the tantalizing view of her former employer’s back muscles bunching up under his vest – he’d long since ditched his trademark blue suit jacket – had needed an extra moment to realize the question had not entirely been rhetorical.

“Because Ellen deserved a break, Nick!” She replied with forced blitheness, trying to appear unaffected at the sight of the sweat drops rolling down the tanned column of Phoenix’s neck, as the strenuous labor had resulted in him undoing a couple of buttons on his white shirt. “I thought she and Sorin deserved a head start on their much-deserved honeymoon since she already did the cleaning up after her first disaster of a wedding – surely the blushing bride couldn’t be expected to do it again?”

“Fine. Then I suppose the newlyweds can consider this to be their wedding gift, courtesy of the Wright Anything Agency,” he grunted in response as he grabbed another heavy stack of plates. “I couldn’t afford to get them much of anything since I’m still playing off the expenses of my spur-of-the-moment trip to Khura’in a few months ago!”

The exertion from hefting the stack of bone china had resulted in the glistening beads rolling from his forehead to now be trickling down his throat to his chest, exposing a glimpse of chiseled pectorals. Maya had to put down her tray of crystal glassware to prevent it from dropping as the sight suddenly made her mouth go dry.

Mystic Ami help me! When did the Old Man man get over that so-called back pain he got in West Asia? And when in the name of the Holy Mother did he get so sexy? Somehow in the last decade, Nick went from being Dork Man to DILF Man!

Phoenix had returned from the kitchen, having unloaded his latest pile of tableware, and was now rolling up his shirtsleeves.

The titillating display of surprisingly strong, corded forearms, as naked as the day he was born, made fleeting contemplations of swooning dance within the necromancer’s head.

As she unabashedly ogled both his neck and his arms, the Kurain head was unable to decide what she wanted to eye-bang more. It was a toss-up betwixt the corded strength of those displayed arms, all golden and warm under the reception hall candlelight, or the strong, tempting neck and teasing glimpse of his bare chest. Altogether, all that virile manliness on display at once was making the spirit medium suddenly feel inexplicably dizzy.

In an uncharacteristic case of observance, the spiky-haired man noticed his friend looking slightly unsteady on her feet and strode over, extending his palm and pressing it against her burning forehead.

“Maya, are you all right?”

I have no idea! But I’ll just chalk this up to the world’s most serious case of wedding fever, she thought wildly. How else to explain my reacting like such a ridiculous fangirl over my best friend who I’ve known forever?

The jagged black brows were knitted in concern.

“Take it easy! There’s no need to overwork or tire yourself needlessly – we have all night to do the cleanup.”

“I’m fine,” she cleared her throat nervously and jerked her face away from his examining hand, her cheeks flaming. “But we will be here all night if it’s just the two of us! I’ve already called Pearly for reinforcements. She and Trucy are on their way.”

“You called Truce? And Pearls?” He seemed surprised. “But the rest of the cleanup crew is still milling about – we’re really just an extra set of helping hands. Don’t you think it may have been overkill?”

“Welp, Ema took off with Klavier, Mr. Anti-Marriage Edgeworth took off like a bat out of hell the minute the reception was over, and Athena wasn’t going to be of any help since she was obviously in a big rush to go home and Skype with her not so secret boyfriend Apollo, so I didn’t have much of a choice for backup. And naturally, I had to call in the big guns with Pearly! Her cleaning skills at your disaster office last year are evidence that my little girl can handle far bigger messes than this!”

Maya couldn’t resist this golden opportunity to yank her former employer’s chain. At that moment, she was especially eager to resume their normal friendly banter, which was far more preferable to these latent unnecessary feelings within her which were getting harder and harder to suppress.

“In case you need the reminder, Old Man, I did send her to clean up your office last Christmas which apparently was a total pigsty! The girl is a miracle worker … Although she did claim you’d gotten extra lazy because you were so lost without me while I was away training!”

Even though she playfully stuck out her tongue to indicate she was busting his chops as always, Phoenix knew his erstwhile assistant had no idea how much validity there was in the squib. He had been feeling completely down in the dumps until he had gotten that letter from her, which had not only cheered him up but given him the brilliant idea of holding a trial in the exploded courtroom in the fateful case that had finally exonerated Simon Blackquill.

However, at that moment for some reason, having Maya point out how morose he’d been without her made him feel uncomfortable and inexplicably defensive.

“That first year I got my badge back was a rocky one, at best, what with exploding courtrooms and the like,” he retorted curtly. “Not to mention a cryptic employee suddenly morphing into the Lone Ranger due to his mistrust of our newest Wright Anything Agency addition! Everyone gets a little bit sentimental around the holiday season – I never claimed to be any different!”

Maya was taken aback by the uncharacteristically gruff tone. Normally, the mild-mannered lawyer reacted with an affected air of resigned acceptance whenever she busted his balls – she’d been completely unprepared to be on the receiving end of such vituperation.

And the Turnabout Terror still wasn’t done with the rebuttal.

“If you want to talk schmaltzy, overly mawkish moments, I could easily rib you for the way you, Athena, and Ema chased after poor Larry for accidentally catching the bridal bouquet, which you were clearly gearing for!” He put his hands on his hips, obviously enjoying her flustered reaction and lack of response. “It sounds like all those soap operas you’ve become glued to lately have come to a head! Since when did you get so mushy about girly, corny things like becoming the next bride, anyway?”

The Master felt as though she’d been slapped in the face. Even though she was now a grown woman and no longer the wide-eyed teenager she’d been when they’d first met, ipso facto, Phoenix had never gotten past seeing her as his late mentor’s pesky kid sister. Moreover, it was glaringly evident he still saw her as the same scrawny, burger-loving kid he’d constantly had to bail out of bum murder raps. Even worse, he barely even registered that she was even a female possessing feminine wants and needs, like marriage and a partner to love. Knowing this, while feeling about him the way that she did, hurt more than if he had physically struck her.

In all actuality, she’d died a little inside.

Without another word, she hastily turned away from him before he could see the telltale redness of her now stinging eyes.

The baffled Comeback King wasn’t sure what to make of this unanticipated reaction, but as she busied herself with putting more glasses on her tray, he saw that her fingers were trembling now.

Holy Shiitake Mushrooms! Is she crying?

“Maya, what’s wrong?”

That was when he swore he heard a slight sniffle. A heavy feeling of remorse, coupled with a side of alarm, raced through him.

“Aww … double whiz fish and fiddlesticks! Did I upset you or something? I didn’t mean to, honest!”

The village leader still refused to look at him, or even turn her head in his general direction as she continued with her task, giving him no choice but to take her by the shoulders and turn her reluctant form to face him.

Maya’s ivory cheeks were now burning red with embarrassment by his combative words, contrasting even more than usual against those exquisite dark orbs, which always bore so much vibrancy and strength despite the years of tribulations. At first, Phoenix thought he had imagined the signs of looming tears until he raised her reluctant chin with his finger and saw the liquid beads shimmering at the corners of her eyes.

Well skull-fuck a duck and call me Felix!

As he studied those lovely irises, the glittering specks of deep brown infused with lighter hues, he felt a sharp pang of regret at the pain he now saw there; hurt that he had somehow caused.

Damn you, woman! Even when I win… I still end up losing. No battle of wits is worth hurting you –even if I’m not even sure how I did it!

He was torn between the senseless urge to facepalm and the irrepressible need to gather her into his arms and apologize for being the cause of the agony reflected within those mocha depths.

Maya Fey always knew how to get under his skin. Now she’d somehow made him feel guilty when all he’d been doing was defending himself from her relentless haranguing! To this very day, she was the only woman who had somehow, against his will, stayed in his heart for over ten lonely years.

She’d gotten so beautiful over time. Almost heartbreakingly so. Whenever he was around her it took all his willpower to fight the yearnings he’d not felt since his naïve and jejune college days, when he’d fallen in love for the first time. But he was no longer young, and foolish though he might be, he had no place for such complications in his life right now.

“Please don’t cry.” He reluctantly dropped his hand, which had been idly cupping her chin, and stepped away from her while affecting his best cajoling tone. “I never meant to hurt your feelings. I thought we were just doing our usual back and forth jesting – I didn’t mean to take it too far…”

“No, it’s fine,” she replied dully. “I mean, I’m pushing 30 and have never known any sort of love or romance beyond those soaps of mine, which you claim are nothing more than a cleaning product. Therefore, it makes sense that you’d wonder why on earth I’d ever want to get married and have a family. That’s something only real women want, right?”

Before the astonished man could reply, Maya shook her head ruefully.

“Anyway, whether you see me as one or not, Nick, I am a grown woman now – a worldly Kurain Master. I’m no longer the starry-eyed, small-town girl who first became your assistant.”

“Maya, I never meant…”

She held up her hand to stop the interruption.

“For your kind information, the village elders have been strongly pushing me towards creating the next Fey heir, since I’m not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, they’ve been in touch with a world-renowned matchmaker to find a suitable husband and arrange a marriage for me.”

He reeled back in shock at the news.

Holy jumping Moses in a sidecar! This day is nothing but insults and punches to the groin!

“Sweet crustacea of West Asia!” The DILF finally croaked, feeling his stomach plummet to his feet. “Arranged marriage? Matchmaker?”

“Funny you should say, West Asia, because that’s exactly where I’ll be returning to when I go meet the man potentially chosen as a betrothal candidate,” Maya returned loftily, raising her chin. “I wasn’t sure about proceeding with things up until now, but I guess that bouquet toss awoke something in me and made me realize that I don’t want to die alone, Nick. Get that dopey look of disapproval off your face … It’s not as antiquated as you think. Many cultures out there still have arranged marriages, which tend to have a lower divorce rate than traditional love marriages, statistically speaking.”

The brunette was so busy trying to seem unaffected and detached that she completely misread Phoenix’s expression to be one of disapprobation. If she hadn’t abruptly turned her face away again, she would have noticed how now that he’d finally lifted his jaw off of his chest, her friend’s mien had turned 50 shades of green, and if anything he looked like he was about to be sick.

She spun on her heel, about to head towards the kitchen with her filled load of crystalware.

“I’m sorry if the news came as a shock to you,” she continued crisply. “I wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject prior to this. However, now seemed as good a time as any. When I go back to the village tonight, I’m going to tell Mystic Matilda that I’ll be prepared to journey back to Khura’in in the next two weeks.”

Phoenix felt as though he’d been given a sucker punch to the gut.

His best friend was leaving the country – leaving him! – yet again?! And this time, when she came back, it wouldn’t even be as a renowned Master – but as another man’s fiancée?! Or worse… As another man’s wife?!

The mere notion made him feel positively ill.

Holy white salted fish on a Triscuit – I can’t let that happen!

“OBJECTION!” He shouted to the spirit medium’s retreating back as she headed towards the kitchen. “You – you can’t do this, Maya! I – I won’t allow it! I forbid it!”

His over-the-top reaction at what she assumed was simply instinctive fear of being left alone again was almost comical. Historically, between refusing to take cases for months on end and refusing to shave or wash his hair during his hobo phase, Phoenix always did tend to be a hot mess whenever she wasn’t around, whether he wanted to admit it or not!

The forbidding part sure was a nice touch though!

“You’re hilarious, Nick.” Maya rolled her eyes and pretended to offhandedly flip her long raven hair off her shoulder while casting him a backward glance. “Since Apollo’s been gone, you can’t even forbid your underaged daughter from her semi-homicidal tactics of using Athena as her onstage assistant in the name of magical entertainment! What earth makes you think that you have the right to…”

Her words trailed off as the act of turning around made her nearly fall right on top of the blue attorney, who had somehow sidled up squarely behind her and was presently regarding her with a pleading expression.

“Jiminy Christmas, Old Man!” She exclaimed. “You nearly gave me a heart attack! You are not Bambi so quit skulking up behind me like a deer in the forest!”

Without uttering another word, Phoenix suddenly dropped down to his one knee, and the psychic’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head as her mind began spinning.

He couldn’t possibly be… No, of course, he wasn’t! She was merely being a ridiculously fanciful maiden yet again and was simply reading too much into things. This was no different from all the times she’d wistfully, yet erroneously, believed that even if the man of her dreams saw her as a little sister, he at least acknowledged that she was of the female persuasion!

“What, in the name of Lady Gaga’s diamond-encrusted bustier are you doing down there, Nick?” She attempted to sound flippant while somehow managing to conjure up a giggle. “Did you need to tie your shoe and then get stuck down there because your bad back came back for an encore? Do I need to help your geriatric behind get up again?”

Phoenix didn’t reply to the baiting jest. Instead, he stretched out his arms, palms turned upward, indigo eyes now staring up into hers with an imploring expression.

It was do or die time now. There was no turning back. This inevitable moment had finally come.

For as long as there is breath in my body, I cannot – will not! – allow Maya to belong to anyone else. Not when she is the only one who can lift me up when I’m down, even with a simple letter, when nobody else can. She’s the only person on earth that ignites not only the fire in my heart but my passion for anything and everything in life. Every fiber of my being – down to my very gut – is telling me that this is the right thing to do. I can no longer let the complacency, fear, or demons of my past stand in my way. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. This feeling is so good that it cannot be ignored. I’m going to follow my bliss and act upon this glorious halcyon sensation. A joy I only feel when I’m with her.

“Marry me,” he blurted out, unsure of what else to say. “Please don’t marry somebody else, Maya. I need you. I – I love you.”

The tray of glasses in the astonished psychic’s arms went crashing to the floor as her hands flew to her mouth. Nonetheless, both remained mindless to the countless shards of glass flying in a million directions. Their gazes were solely fixed on one another as the rest of the room, and the universe around them seemed to disappear.

Phoenix swallowed hard.

“I’m not interested in light little flings, skin-deep attractions, or long loveless marriages. With you, I only want a raw, full-blooded connection, to share a bond full of passion and breathtaking adventure. After all, love is not a pastime but a privilege.”

The Kurain Master was speechless for the second time that night – but this time, instead of lament, the tears that were now flooding her eyes were ones of surprise, elation, and wonder. Encouraged by the happy glow radiating on that ethereal visage, the earnest legist continued his speech.

“Maya, you are like the ocean. Breathtaking to look at, strong enough to not be destroyed, and gentle enough so others find comfort in your presence. I don’t know how I managed to be so blessed to be one of the lucky few who finds not only that when I’m with you, but an unmatched bliss and wonderment unparalleled by anything else I have known, or ever will know, in my entire life.”

“Pinch me,” she whispered tearily, clasping her hands against her chest. “I must be dreaming … yet this is so far beyond my wildest hopes and dreams! Do you really mean it, Nick? You truly want to marry me?”

Rising gracefully to his feet, Phoenix gave a debonair, Miles Edgeworth-inspired bow, took one of Maya’s hands and placed a swift kiss upon it, then did a quick pivot on his heel before flashing her a jaunty wink.


[Phoenix]

Wright here and now
The final turnabout
Hope to turn things around
Pray that you’ll heed this
Please marry me
Cuz we are meant to be
After the misery and the strife we’ve been in
You are my miracle and beyond wonderful
Crazy and zany, won’t you be my lady
You’re unconventional, but fate’s intentional
Burger Queen you’re the one for me


[Phoenix]

On bended knee here I will pray
That you will wed me Maya Fey
‘Cause you’re all that I’ll need
Please spend your life by my side
My love will you become my bride?
Girl you know it’s true that we were both meant to be
My heart’s a lock and only you hold the key
Take me as your everlasting guy
My love will you become my bride?


[Maya]

Is this a whim? It’s making my head spin
I never could have dreamed that this could happen
I’m shocked, you know
And I will tell you so
We’ve been just friends thus far it’s all so sudden
For so long I’ve loved you, I will admit it’s true
Yet friendship’s one thing, marriage ain’t no small thing
But I’m under your spell that’s the truth in a nutshell
I’ve fallen for that man in blue


[Maya]

On my feet I start to sway, my mind’s a spin of disarray
It’s come down to this there’s no more room to run or hide
Cuz Nick asked me to be his bride!
Take those vows and say “I do”
Is what you’re asking of me
If Pearly heard this I know she’d squeal with glee!
Oh, Nick!
Would this mean you’re really mine?
If I agree to be your bride?


[Phoenix]

I have been so lost since we have parted ways
All those lonely nights that I wish you had stayed


[Maya]

Whenever I’m with you, I never cry or frown
Always buy me burgers when I’m feeling down


[Phoenix]

Recall all those times that I fought for your three acquittals?
Thanks to me your crime record’s clean
Seeing your tears left my heart aching
That Khura’in case was pure groundbreaking!
Aren’t I a risk to be worth taking?
But in the end it’s up to you…


[Maya]

I can’t deny that we’ve grown much closer lately
But these ain’t poker game stakes that we’re making!


[Phoenix]

It’s no bluff we’ve shared a decade of attraction
A kiss would be heaven come on let’s make it happen!


[Maya]

I hate myself for swooning! When did you get this fine?


[Phoenix]

Forget the pretty words let’s go and get those lips on mine!


[Maya]

Kiss me!


 

The legal legend gently cradled the psychic’s chin in his palm, and as she raised her face up him, he tenderly slid his hand upward to caress her now rosy cheek, softly running his thumb over that dewy, beckoning Cupid’s bow, which parted in anticipation.

Chest heaving now due to the erratic palpitations of her heart from his intimate touch, the diviner couldn’t tear her gaze away from that masculine mouth. During all the years of presumed unrequited ardor had come acknowledgment of just how much more attractive the object of her affection had become over the years. Like a fine wine, he’d only improved with age; even gotten younger looking to a certain degree, somehow! Nonetheless, this was the first time she’d noted just how handsome his lips were. Lips, she had always felt, were just lips. Purposeful, yes. Well-designed, fine specimens in this case, absolutely. But she had never been an aficionado of lips in the past, a fact she now admitted with no little sense of regret upon viewing the pair Nick bore. Undisputably, she’d made a critical oversight in not realizing that she had been missing something. In this case, this aesthetically pleasing set that hovered just above her own would certainly be a source of pleasure.

Well, she certainly wasn’t going to compound her follies. Her shortcoming of overlooking this physical attribute would have to be swiftly remedied. As immediately as it took her to kiss him.

Christ on a Sunday, Old Man, you’re moving slower than a snail on a treadmill! Could you just festinate and plant one on me already? I’m dying here!

As much as Maya appreciated the tender persuasion bit as much as the next girl, at that moment she knew she was going to lose her ever-loving mind if that so-smoochable-they should-be-illegal lips of his weren’t on hers this instant!

Although he couldn’t resist a slight smirk at her sudden impatience, the juberous man’s pulse was pounding like a jungle drum. His courage wavered as he leaned down, hovering with his lips only inches from hers, while she seemed to be struggling with the decision to keep her eyes open or closed. It suddenly dawned on Phoenix that this was not just their first kiss – but undoubtedly Maya’s first kiss as well. Therefore, he needed to make sure it was worthwhile and memorable! But damned if it hadn’t been over a decade since he’d locked lips with a woman – not since his college days! – and now he wasn’t even sure he remembered how! The art of kissing, he hoped, was surely the same as riding a bicycle though …


 

[Phoenix]

Must ensure…worth wait…


[Maya]

Now!


The impulsive beauty snatched his tie then, crashing that delectable mouth against his before he could finish the thought.

Out of pure reflex, the defense attorney softened his lips, his eyes closing at the same time as hers did.

It was a softer kiss than she’d expected from him, full of promise, yet no pressure, but all the love in the world was spoken in that instant, without another word needing to be said.

The famous Betty Everett song was right on the money.

If you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss.

Maya wrapped her arms around Phoenix’s neck as he pulled her tightly against him and gently deepened the kiss. She felt her heart pounding and her ears ringing, and giddily wondered how she’d ever managed to go this long without knowing the tender sweetness of his embrace.

It was as though their lips belonged together, just as much as they did.

The new lovers were both panting slightly when they finally pulled apart.


[Phoenix]

Now you’re mine


[Maya]

YES!


 

“Sis told me a soulmate is not the person who makes you the happiest but the one who makes you feel the most.” She reached up and placed a soft hand against his cheek, a warm glow flooding through her as he turned his head and kissed her palm. “The one who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in. That’s you, Nick. It’s always been you.”

“All these years, my heart was yearning, and unknownst to me, the tides were turning. I needed something real. Something, someone, that nobody could steal.” His heart was nearly bursting with exultation. “That I somehow earned your love shines through me like the brightest of suns. Thankfully I don’t have a clue how God has given me the work of art that is you.”

She flashed a cheeky grin as she peered up at him through her lashes.

“Well, sweet-talker, it looks like you have yourself a brand-new fiancée!”

“What I have,” he corrected her with a chuckle, “is a future Mrs. Wright with lips hotter than a thousand blazing suns!”


[Phoenix, Maya, Both]

We won’t be led astray from the pledges we made today
Cause you’re all that I’ll need, my future will by your side

Gonna be your bride!


Take those vows and say “I do”


 

And that goes double for me!


 

My heart’s a lock and only you hold the key
Take That! Together we can soar so high
Phoenix Wright Freedom Express Ride!


 

Take those vows and say “I do”


 

(Future’s by my side)


 

And that goes double for me!


 

(She’s gonna be my bride)


 

Say “I do” then climb on for the ride!


 

Maya Fey’s gonna be my bride!


 

As the songbird duet finally came to the halt, the newly betrothed man impulsively bent down and swiftly captured his bride-to-be’s smiling mouth in another lingering kiss that left them breathless.

Standing outside the reception hall, the now starry-eyed Pearl Fey, whose acolyte robe sleeve had previously rolled up in preparation to give Mr. Nick the mother of all slaps, was now grinning from ear to ear, having secretly witnessed this whole jubilant event from her longtime childhood fantasies finally come to life.

“What’s up, Pearly?” Asked Trucy Wright, who’d ducked into the bathroom upon arrival, missing the whole thing. A puzzled frown marred her smooth forehead as she watched her pseudo sister literally hug herself with glee. “What are you so smiley about? Do you really love cleaning that much?”

The radiant beam directed at the magician that spread across the teenage spirit medium’s face would have put the sun to shame.

“Come on, we’re out of here, Truce!” Pearl announced gleefully, grabbing her soon-to-be actual sister by the arm and dragging her towards the exit. “Let those two handle this mess by themselves – they never get to spend time alone together anymore! You and I have more important things to do!”

“I don’t get it!” The bewildered illusionist was huffing while struggling to keep up with the quickened pace of the dreamy pretzel-haired girl, whose feet appeared to be floating off the ground instead of walking. “Where are we going?”

“Dress shopping of course! How do you feel about matching bridesmaids’ gowns?”

 

Chapter 101: Not Admissible (Christmas 2020 Edition)

Notes:

JP: This was set before the events of Rise From The Ashes, where a forlorn Lana Skye laments her fate of being Gant's puppet, knowing full well how much her distant veneer is making her more and more estranged from her beloved sibling with every passing day. For milady, ChloeMcg. Admittedly it's not the merriest song-fic I've ever written, but given the events of 2020 it actually is quite fitting – and the original song, while lovely, definitely has melancholy written all over it, just like poor Chief Prosecutor must have that last X-Mas before February 2017 when a certain swimming enthusiast finally got what he deserved!

Merry Christmas to you all! See you in the New Year!

CT: Y'know, I've always been intrigued by Gant and Lana's relationship because while it's one of the primary focuses of "Rise from the Ashes", we don't know all that much about it. Sure, we know that Gant would blackmail Lana so he could ensure that prosecutors would prosecute the criminals that his subordinates would arrest, but we don't know how often he did it or to the extent of it. For example, for all we know, in "Turnabout Sisters", a possible reason why the police were so willing to arrest Phoenix in place of Maya before the latter's trial had reached a conclusion was because Redd somehow managed to piece together that Gant was blackmailing Lana.

Though regardless of the exact details of how Gant took advantage of his ability to manipulate Lana, one thing is certain: her situation was a sad one, and that sadness is perfectly captured in this parody of JP's.

Chapter Text

"(Not) Admissible"
Sung to the tune of
"Invisible" from the movie Klaus

 

Chief Prosecutor's Office – December 24, 2016

 

"But Lana, you've got to come!" Ema pleaded with her stolid sibling. "The special exhibit at the Museum featuring Madame Curie is tonight! You know I've been dying to have you take me!"

The elder Skye refused to turn around and face her sister, instead focusing her attention on the overcast grey clouds outside her office window. The bleak weather didn't faze her, though. If anything, her mood matched the weather.

Dreary days had become her fate ever she'd become a certain self-proclaimed Crime Computer's marionette.

Even on the sunniest of days in Los Angeles, it's always raining inside my heart.

Regardless of whenever the acclaimed Japalifornia sunshine did stream through the windows, her eternal despondent mind remained clouded with grey, her moods merely swaying like a pendulum between low and lower.

"You shouldn't have waited until last-minute on my account, Ema," she intoned woodenly. "I never promised that I would go with you. You know part of my devoir as Chief Prosecutor means I can't work a regular 9 to 5 job. I'll probably have to work late, or at least stay until after dinner time in case Chief Gant…"

She paused for a moment to swallow the bile which always rose in her throat whenever she was forced to speak her tormentor's name aloud.

"…needs me for anything."

"But it's Christmas Eve! I was hoping we could go for dinner afterward and you could have some fun for a change instead of being married to your work!" Ema insisted, refusing to take no for an answer. Her voice turned slightly coy. "I ran into Jake on my way over here and he casually mentioned that he and Angel and some of the old gang were going to be hanging out at the local tavern tonight for a little bit and he'd be glad if we wanted to drop by and say hi…"

At the mention of her old boyfriend, the former detective's heart gave a familiar pang, and she squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden stinging sensation.

This lugubrious sensation is like a heavy manteau draped around my shoulders, one which I am unable to merely cast to the ground no matter how much I yearn to do so. Yet despite clinging to the edges of the wool and wrapping it around me, I never find the warm solace I seek. Instead of warmth, it is only the melancholy that clings to me. It's like a ball and chain wrapped around my feet, not allowing me to move forward – to experience any sunshine or anything gemütlich; that halcyon bliss that lives in memories that can't rise from the ashes.

She had lost so much more than her freedom these last few years, ever since that Kafkaesque incident that had changed both Skye sisters' lives forever. Lana had lost the close bond she'd once treasured with her baby sister, whom she'd loved and raised as her own daughter all these years, along with her thriving detective career as one half of the Legendary Duo.

Losing the only man that she'd ever loved on top of all that had simply been the cherry on the whole shit sundae.

Her ephemeral relationship with the demoted patrolman simply had not been able to withstand the strain of her newfound unwanted promotion, along with the combined pain of losing his brother and the lacuna surrounding her forced secrecy and consequent withdrawal from him. The combination had continued widening the growing rift between them until it had become a gaping chasm that rivaled the Grand Canyon.

Now he's just somebody that I used to know.

"Trust me, Ema," she bit out, in a slightly harsher tone than she'd intended in order to keep her voice from shaking and betraying her emotions. "If Jake Marshall is accompanied by a certain sultry lunch lady in any capacity, he won't notice my absence. You know he probably just being polite to his favorite Bambina. The truth is that rhinestone cowboy couldn't care less if I joined them any more than I care to do so."

"Why are you like this?" Ema demanded, frustration creeping into her voice. "Why are you so stuck up and cold, and acting like it's beneath you to hang out with your former crew? Is it just because you're Miss High and Mighty Chief Prosecutor now?"

No answer from Lana.

"Why do you keep shutting everybody out? It's bad enough that you been doing it to me but these people were your closest friends!" Her sister's cadence now bore undisguised hurt. "And they still would be, if you'd let them and stopped being such an Ice Queen! You'd give Elsa a run for her money!"

"Those keystone cops were my colleagues. And as I am now their superior, any sort of friendship would be incongruous. I don't believe in mixing business with pleasure." Lana finally turned around and eyed her sister stonily. "As for Angel Starr, she never could stand me. I know she always had her eye on Jake, and I'm pretty sure she has since sunk those crimson claws and teeth into every inch of him ever since we split, with no intention of releasing her grip – despite her hordes of boyfriends! Don't be fooled she says otherwise, either. That mythomaniac has never liked me enough to give me a wet fart on a dry day."

Ema clapped a hand to her cheek as her jaw dropped open at this uncharacteristic crassness.

"Ews! That was mondo grosso! When did you get so lewd?"

Ever since I have been forced to keep extra company with a crude certain Aqua Enthusiast despot who continually makes skin-crawling innuendos about wanting me to "get wet" with him… I would bet my ass he's not just talking about taking a dip in his swimming pool either! Personally, I'd rather do naked squats a bucket of broken glass!

"Lana, I've had it with you!" Angry tears were now glistening in Ema's expressive teal eyes, which were identical to those of her stoic sibling. "Forget Elsa – she may have been frigid but she was at least human! One who loved her sister deep down under that frosty veneer!"

Dead silence was the only response to her outburst. Lana had again turned away from her, the door to the walls surrounding her firmly shut and locked.

"Fine! See if I care! You go and spend the night before Christmas at work – I hope all the extra money makes you happier than a pig in feces, and that the ATM gives great hugs!" Ema shouted, already storming towards the exit in a flood of tears. "You – you suck, Lana Skye! I don't even know you anymore! You're worse than a monarch with ice powers – you're nothing more than a cyborg! No, wait – a full-blown android! That's all you are – an unfeeling, lifeless … talking robot! For all I know, your programming is going to short circuit without warning, and you're going to go all HAL 9000 on us!"

The anterior policewoman bit back a reluctant smile of admiration at the creativity of the teen's barbed slurs. She'd gotten so accustomed to them over the years that they barely even stung anymore.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. At this point, I should be able to bench press a Buick.

The first few times she'd been the cause of Ema's tears, however, had nearly been her undoing. More than anything in the world, Lana had wished she could take the girl in her arms and comfort her. Explain everything to her. Let her know just how much her big sister loved her.

Mindless of the liquid droplets falling into her scarlet muffler, she leaned her forehead against the cold glass.


[Lana]

How much more tears can these eyes make?
Cuz he's sealed my fate? (I don't know, I don't know)
How much longer till I crack from strain
From his evil ways? (I don't know, I don't know)
The fault's all his
Wish I could change the past today
Ditch façade that I must fake
No more smiles or joy or sun
When he says "jump" I must say "yup"
Try to conceal it (so much woe)
How much I hate this bullshit (so much woe)


The truth Ema can never know
Isn't admissible (not admissible)
How much longer till my heart will break? (I don't know, I don't know)
From this aching pain? (I don't know, I don't know)
How to confess it's all for her sake
And for her, I'd do anything? (I don't know, I don't know)


The fault's all his
Wish I could change the past today
Ditch façade that I must fake
No more smiles or joy or sun
When he says "jump" I must say "yup"
Try to conceal it (so much woe)
How much I hate this bullshit (so much woe)


The truth Ema can never know
Isn't admissible (not admissible)


My life's a lie, concede it (so much woe)
My cross to bear, so be it (so much woe)
The truth Ema can never know
Isn't admissible (The truth Ema can never know)
Isn't admissible (No, no, no)
Isn't admissible (No, no, no)
Isn't admissible (No, no, no)
Isn't admissible…


A gust of wind blew through the open screen, making her shiver, and she hastily pulled the sliding glass shut. The temperature had dropped noticeably in the past few days, but the onset of rain and a northern wind had made it feel frigid, which was abnormal for LA. With no break in the gloom above, the chance of a let-up was below zero. It was going to be a dismal, rain-filled day, and no amount of imploring with Mother Nature or whatever forces up above was going to change that.

Ema's last cutting remark still rankled.

This time, their fight had hit more home more than she'd thought it would. Because there was more than some actual veracity to this onslaught. She may as well have been an emotionless automaton. Lana truly didn't feel much of anything anymore. She'd gotten accustomed to just feeling… numb.

"Well, well, well. That went down like a pork chop at a kosher wedding! Ho Ho Ho!"

Lana hastily wiped her damp eyes with her sleeve but refused to acknowledge the new presence in her midst. She didn't need to turn around to know that the jolly tone coming from her office doorway didn't belong to Santa Claus… Although in this case, her unwelcome visitor did have a whitish beard and hair…

Even though I've seen better hairstyles on elephant testicles…

…And just happened to wear gloves.

"Tsk, tsk. You really did upset that poor kid, didn't you? And the day before Noel, too! Should I just paint you green and call you the Grinch?"

She pointedly ignored her puppet master and continued to stare sightlessly outside at the rain, now pouring down in unrelenting sheets. It pounded heavily on the rooftops, turning the cobbled streets of the Downtown District into a warren of slick stones and muddy waters.

"My dear, are you hearing me, or is going into some sort of picture perplexity?" Damon Gant affected his most charming tone while he attempted to jest with his prized plaything. "Should I slap you and redirect your stream of thought to the light of lucidity?"

What in the sweet almighty taint-chafing fuck do you want? Was what Lana longed to scream in response, but would never, ever give her antagonist the satisfaction of seeing her lose her composure in such a manner. It was bad enough he'd been lurking in the shadows and eavesdropped on the heartbreaking scene with Ema – and even worse, likely heart her own dejected song of woe.

The brunette carefully arranged her features into a composed mask, sharply lifted her chin, and treated the Police Chief to the icy stare she'd perfected over the years and reserved especially for him.

"I was just thinking how could today could not possibly get any worse," she responded with cool disdain. "And then, as if my words had been heard by a malevolent God, here you are!"

"HAW HAW HAW!" Gant guffawed loudly and clapped his leather-clad hands like a drunken seal. "It's raining harder than a double-snooched cow whizzing on a flat rock right now! I may need to go outside and get myself wet to cool off from the fierceness of that burn! That was a good one, Lany!"

Despite the ennui in her voice, there was no disguising the animus in her eyes as she fixed them upon her boss.

"What is it you want, Chief Gant?"

"Isn't it obvious? It's Christmas Eve – and you made it painfully clear to your poor kid sister you're not going to be spending it with her!"

Without warning the burly man shucked off his trademark orange jacket and dropped his trousers, revealing a tight orange Speedo that left nothing to the imagination.

Lana fought back the bile rising in her throat

How disgusting! My eyes feel like prostitutes!

"Therefore, I figured what better way to celebrate the Yuletide tintinnabulation of the festive season than with yours truly? What say we Deck the Balls – er, Halls, by going for a swim? It may be pouring out there, but I figure the rain never bothered you anyway… Elsa."

Gant flashed an oily leer.

"Alas, 'tis the time of giving, isn't it? After all, we'd both be getting wet anyway…"

He was immediately subjected to a lethal glare that threatened to vaccinate his crotch goblins right there on the spot, and the Brobdingnagian Chief felt the words die in his throat at the message relayed in those fiery twin emeralds.

Without even a single word needing to be spoken, they clearly conveyed: "dare to touch me even once, and I'll pull your brains out through your nose, spread it on a petri dish, and let the scientists figure out why you had a death wish."

Gant let out a frightened whelp that started out sounding like a bleating sheep and ended up like a dying goat farting into a megaphone. Ducking his head, he quickly raised both palms up, in the universal "no offense" gesture, before hastily grabbing his pants from around his ankles with one hand and his discarded jacket with the other.

"HO HO HO!" He forced his most jovial chortle. "Relax! Just kidding!"

With that, the newly subdued lecher speedily waddled away as fast as his trouser-trapped legs could carry him, shuddering as he did so.

"Jiminy Christmas! Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn…"

Chapter 102: Death To Rebels

Notes:

CT: Considering how much of a knack Rayfa has for performing and how much Inga loves and supports her, if he had succeeded in his plans and assassinated Ga'ran, I could easily picture one of his first courses of action being to establish Rayfa as Khura'in's first pop idol. However, since this is Inga we're talking about, Rayfa wouldn't be wearing anything more revealing than her regular outfit and he would assign the entirety of Khura'in's police force to ensure that no boys get within 20 feet of his little girl. And to top it off, since no one has the right to compete with his daughter and risk crushing her dreams and making her cry, Inga would probably expand upon the DC Act to make it where if anyone other than Rayfa forms a music group in Khura'in, they will be immediately executed with no trial whatsoever on the grounds of treason.

JP: I've said it before, and will say it again…I have long since embraced every aspect of my hilarious partner's portrayals of Inga and Her Malevolence's (blood-soaked/tearstained) nightmare hellscape of marriage as canon – including but not limited to their Kafkaesque connubial calisthenics…Just in time for Halloween 2020 - like it needed any help getting any scarier with all that's happening in the world - some delightfully ghoulish West Asia humor!

Chapter Text

" Death To Rebels"
Sung to the tune of
"Death to Squishies" from the video game
Ratchet and Clank 3: Up Your Arsenal

 

"Inga, to what do I owe the pleasure- and I use the term loosely- of you suddenly summoning me to this pigsty that you call your private quarters when I could be devoting my time to more worthwhile pursuits?" Ga'ran impatiently asked, her foot impatiently tapping as she sat in a chair in Inga's private quarters.

"Hold your horses, Ga'ran. There'll be plenty of time to fly around on your broomstick and terrorize the people of Munchkin Land after my computer decides to not make my life even worse than it already is and play the damn video already!" The Minister of Justice snarled as he repeatedly clicked the refresh button his laptop's monitor. "Though to answer your question, in anticipation of all the complaints we'll be getting from parents about that Ga'ran Kids PSA that you're forcing me to air before the premiere episode of 'The Plumed Punisher's' next season, I've decided to create a new one starring Rayfa to replace it."

"You will be replacing nothing, Inga!" Ga'ran snapped. "If children can see a version of you shirtless and not be traumatized, then nothing will faze them. And even if a few disgruntled parents voice that 'Let's Help Her Eminence!' isn't appropriate for television, then I'll make it so that they can no longer voice complaints."

"That's because those children haven't seen the unspeakable things you've subjected me to in this very room, or my kitchen, or that broom closet in the Ministry of Justice that I happened to walk by that one day. If those children saw even half of those things you do with your fist and tongue, then you'd see a bunch of terrified kiddies running for the hills, see!" Inga snidely retorted.

"As tempting as that would be, Inga, I don't think that it would be very effective on account of how the children would miss it if they blinked." Ga'ran tittered. "Though speaking of which, I find it quite amusing that you feel that 'Let's Help Her Eminence!' will give children nightmares, yet you were perfectly content with the idea of changing 'The Plumed Punisher's' theme song to include a portion about her loving your 'rock-hard' abs until I rightfully rejected it. I swear, Inga, after having to suffer through that pitiful attempt to stroke your own ego, I can't help but feel a bit apprehensive about what this video will entail. Oh, what am I saying? Nothing you write could possibly be worse than that theme song."

"Now, Ga'ran, don't go saying that kind of stuff 'til after you see the video. Who knows, maybe unlike sunshine and human decency, you'll actually take a liking to it and- Oh, thank goodness, it's starting!" Inga rejoiced as the video started playing, showing Rayfa standing on a large, brightly lit stage with the actors playing the Plumed Punisher and Inga from the show in-costume and dancing behind her before she started singing."


{Rayfa}

I see our country,
And here's what I see:
Dhurke and his minions spreading pain and misery!
I hate those rebels,
They threaten our lands!
That's why I say,
We must now take a stand!

Do you love the Holy Mother?
Then these words you should utter!

To all those who love our nation and all it represents,
We must steel ourselves and bring the fight to those thugs!
By the Holy Mother's pained pleas,
Our noble work won't end until we see,
Dhurke on the ground dead!


"I can't believe I'm saying this, Inga, but you somehow managed to defy my expectations..." Ga'ran noted with a slight look of shock.

"Told ya you'd like it," Inga smirked as he chomped down on his cigar stump.

"And just like our nights of passion, you're acting all high and mighty despite the fact that I'm not even close to finishing." Ga'ran groaned as she scowled at her husband.

"And like how you whisper in my ear that I should feel blessed while I'm screaming in terror on those nights of punishment, you're making no sense," Inga replied with a growl of irritation.

"Then allow me to explain myself with words that are of a length that you are very familiar with: short." Ga'ran snidely responded as she glowered at her husband. "You actually managed to produce something that was an even bigger failure than that self-pandering revised theme song. That song Rayfa sung- if you could refer to that train wreck as such- was short, bland, and had absolutely presence to it whatsoever. It was the musical equivalent to your performance in the bedroom, whereas "Let's Help Her Eminence" is a masterpiece that captures the nuanced beauty and raw passion of my lovemaking."

"If you mean that it's long, scary, and makes me wanna jump off a cliff afterwards, then I fully agree with you." Inga sneered.

"The issue here isn't whether or not you're capable of handling a real woman, Inga- which you can't- but rather, how you have managed to sink to a new nadir of incompetence and disappointment and mind you, that also includes our Disney roleplay night last March, Gaston, or should I say Garcon?" Ga'ran snidely retorted.

"One," Inga snapped with a raised finger, "it's kinda hard for a guy to perform when his banshee wife is dressed up like freakin' Cruella De Vil, complete with skunk hair and skin grayer than the lucky corpses of the mooks I've executed that don't have to look at you! And two," the Minister of Justice raised a second finger, "I didn't write that song, Rayfa did. See, Rayfa was so excited when I asked her if she'd be willing to star in a pre-episode PSA for 'The Plumed Punisher' that she insisted that she help out by writing a song to sing, and you know I can't say no to those puppy dog eyes she flashes me. I may be married to you, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a soul!"

"Figures." Ga'ran scoffed with a roll of her eyes. "Like Amara, that girl's creativity is as lacking as her bust size, and her execution is as pitiful as her Dance of Devotion is clumsy and off-tempo."

"Now listen here, Mama Methuselah, you can insult me- I've built up a tolerance to it over the years in addition to going numb below the waist- but I'm not gonna stand by and let you insult my daughter!" Inga snarled, getting right up in his wife's face, much to her surprise. "That girl is talented in everything she does and has the personality of a saint, and if I hear any more insults directed at her come out of that unhinged jaw of yours, I swear to the Holy Mother, I'll take out a spray bottle full of water and start squirting you until you're nothing but a puddle absorbing into my carpet! And don't think for a second that I'm afraid of the prospect of your crazy-ass guards killing me, 'cause at this point in my life, I'll welcome it with open arms and-"

At that moment, much to Inga's horror, he was cut off by his wife crashing her lips into his own, giving him the kiss of his life, pressing her hands on her husband's cheeks in order to keep his head in place as he frantically tried in vain to escape.

"What the hell, Ga'ran?! I thought I told you at our wedding not to do that to me anymore!" Inga roared while frantically rubbing his lips against his sleeve, his eyes filled with terror as he leapt out of his seat and quickly took several steps back.

"I'm sorry, Inga. I could hardly help myself." Ga'ran replied with a sultry grin as she licked her lips. "It's just that it's so rare that I get to see this side of you- so assertive, so in control- and it makes me feel like a woman." The Queen stated as she got up from her seat and sauntered towards her husband, whose only response was to continue backing away until his back was against the door. "So, Inga, how's about we get more… comfortable before continuing our discussion regarding our daughter's ineptitude from the bed?" Ga'ran asked in a seductive tone, gently tracing her finger on the Minister of Justice's chest, causing him to shudder as he frantically searched for the doorknob.

But unfortunately for Inga, right as he found the doorknob and was about to leave the room and run away as far as his legs could take him, Ga'ran grabbed both of his hands and started dragging him towards his bed as he desperately tried to free himself from the Queen's manicured talons just as he started crying and screaming in terror.

Chapter 103: Beyond Here

Notes:

CT: When it comes to classic adult cartoons, while The Venture Bros., Squidbillies, and King of the Hill may be my top three favorites, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I can't help but have a soft spot for South Park. As such, when JP requested for me to write a parody of one of the many earworms from the South Park movie, I was more than happy to oblige.

JP: Happy 2021 everyone! I hope y'all have been staying safe and healthy… and what better cure for the winter blues than mocking the Devil himself… literally in this case? The South Park movie was epic! They actually managed to make you root for Satan! If you haven't seen the flick (understandably Parker and Stone's adult animated series isn't everyone's cup of tea!) you still have to fist bump CT for bringing together AA's finest regrettable and unforgettable jailbirds for this ditty! This goes out to my Heartwarming Java Shots partner, Señor Java, otherwise known as Mr_Coffee. Enjoy this homage to el diablo, amigo! 😊

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Beyond Here"
Sung to the tune of

"Up There"
from the movie
"South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut"


It was a cold, cloudless night in L.A., the darkness of the sky sharply contrasting with the glow of streetlights and the full moon. However, had Godot not finished his work at the Prosecutor's Office late that day- a forced job as a prosecutor with parole that Edgeworth convinced the Judge to add to the coffee-loving convict's sentence in exchange for a reduced sentence- he wouldn't have known what the outside world looked like.

Now back in his cell for the evening, Godot paced back and forth, the idea of sleep being one of the last things on his mind as he was haunted by the usual regrets of past follies and shortcomings that plagued him every night since he was first convicted, prompting him to vent out his inner demons in the form of a song.


{Godot}

I always think, when I look through these bars,

About the role Maya must assume,

And how Kitten guides her from afar.

But then I sigh,

Because my pride caused her so much strife,

My judgement blinded by pure hate.

Why did I have to snuff out that life…?


As Godot was voicing his regrets, in a nearby cell, Acro, who was tending to one of his birds, started to sing a verse of his own.


{Acro}

Beyond here,

There's a world of grins,

Where brothers perform, twirl, and spin,

And children laugh,

Though not near Moe.


In the female section of the prison, Mimi laid in her bunk, her gaze pointed up as the bunk above her as she quietly cried herself to sleep.


{Mimi}

Beyond here,

Where the cool wind makes all tears dried,

Where I could drive with Ini by my side.

Beyond here…


Back in the male section of the prison, Kristoph was also trying to get to sleep, though unlike Mimi, instead of sobbing, he was glaring daggers at the wall to his left as he squeezed the life out of his 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, his mind filled with his usual thoughts regarding his arch-nemesis.


{Kristoph}

They say I'm not needed,

Like I'm some outdated tool,

That for my 'crimes',

I should be housed with thugs and deranged fools.

But what exactly is seen as 'good'?

Is it what Wright feels is right?

So since Wright has forged evidence once,

Then by that logic, the deed must be alright.


Meanwhile, Gant was sitting at a small table in the cell that he shared with Blaise, begrudgingly starting a game of solitaire after the latter brutally rejected his offer to play gin rummy.


{Gant}

Beyond here,

Pools are filled to the brim,

Where crimes are solved and detectives swim,

Where friends can save the day,

I should know…


As for Pierce Nichody, while he was also sitting down, his focus wasn't on games like Gant's was, but rather on his past as he tenderly gazed down at the pocket watch in his hand that Edgeworth kindly enough allowed him to keep after pulling a few strings.


{Pierce}

Beyond here,

Where Selina's laugh filled the air,

Where love can thrive and bloom without a care,

And passion is shared.

If only I was beyond here…


{All}

I wish I was…!

I wish I was…!

Oh, oh, oh!

I wish I was beyond here!

Notes:

JP: ! Also, Chapter 102, the one holiday special before this one, was released at Christmastime, in case anyone was too busy with their holiday shopping and missed it! 😊

Chapter 104: 3- Year Anniversary JP & CT Double Special

Summary:

It was our 3-Year Anniversary on March 10, so we decided we were due for another double the fun song chapter! Hope you likey! 😊

Notes:

CT: I can't believe that this story is three years old- three years of fluff, three years of laughs, and three years of great readers who have made this crazy ride all the more enjoyable with their kind words and great suggestions. You guys rock like Klavier in a packed courtroom and nothing makes me and JP happier than potentially brightening up your day with these parodies.

With that said, since we want to do something special for this fanfic's third anniversary, and we received suggestions for two songs with very similar tones, we decided to create one larger scenario consisting of two parodies instead of two smaller ones, with the "The Edge of the Dawn" parody being suggested by TheFreelancerSeal and the "Proud of Your Boy" parody being suggested by LemonSmoothie.

Chapter Text

"The Sad Monk's Rebirth"
Sung to the tune of

"The Edge of the Dawn"
From the videogame

"Fire Emblem: Three Houses"

 

From the balcony connected to his new bedroom on one of the uppermost floors of the Khura'in Royal Palace, Nahyuta stared down at the capital city below, illuminated only by the full moon's pale glow and the reddish-orange light of numerous lanterns.

The view was nothing short of breathless, clearly a gift from the Holy Mother to thank him for his role in removing Ga'ran from power earlier that day and helping to turn back the tide of corruption that the wicked queen had imposed for the last 20 years. In a way, Nahyuta thought to himself, this view was symbolic- light had returned to Khura'in and with him and Apollo leading the effort to rebuild the legal system, the nation's soul would become as beautiful as the land itself.

But despite the peace he was now surrounded by, both in terms of politics and the view he was blessed to be seeing at this moment, internally, the newly redeemed regent couldn't help but be consumed by internal turmoil, not unlike a mountain climber trapped in the middle of a blizzard.

So drawing upon the techniques he learned during his time as a monk, Nahyuta began to sing in an attempt to put his worries in the Holy Mother's hands.


{Nahyuta}

It's all over,
We won the day,
But at what cost?
For we took you away.


This holy place,
Is free from evil's throngs,
But I'm shackled with guilt,
Over those who I've wronged.


Peace and justice have returned,
To this land we adore.
I will strive to rebuild,
To help settle our score.


My soul was caged during your life,
But your death helped to set me free.
I will fight for justice for all,
And never again flee.


I can't deny,
The putrid visage I showed the world.
My sinful ways,
Ruined lives as all the lines were blurred.


But then there's you,
Dragon divine,
Fighting for truth,
With your life on the line.


My way's restored,
My sins are done,
So please try to forgive,
Your prodigal son.


Letting out a heavy sigh as he gripped his rosary, Nahyuta directed his attention to the mountains in the distance, the location of his father's old law firm, and the place he called home as a child.

"Our father's life may have ended in this world, Apollo, but his spirit will live on both in the Twilight Realm and in you. Become the light of hope for Khura'in that I lacked the fortitude to be."


 

 

 

JP: My turn!

And… we're back! I missed you guys! A bit overdue for our anniversary earlier this month, (hey, better late than never, Wright?) but no milestone in this series has gone uncelebrated, and our 3-Year anniversary is no exception!

3. Freaking. Years .

Oh, Holy Mother… of pearl – we are such geeks! 😆
But it's amazing readers like you that have kept our dedicated geeky selves trooping and continue to keep us going! Not to mention a certain Capcom leak that hints at DGS 1 & 2 localization (FINALLY) and the hinted premise of the criminally overdue AA7 looming over the horizon later this year (at least an announcement!) as it marks AA's 20-Year Anniversary!
Anyway, enough rambling. Hope you enjoy our SOJ sibling homage of a certain Red Attorney and his foster brother Nay-POO-Ta paying homage to their awesome Daddy Dragon, and Lemon Smoothie, I hope you enjoy your request! 
😊


"Loudly Deploy"
Sung to the tune of "Proud Of Your Boy"
From Disney's stage production of 
Aladdin


May 2028 – Sahdmadhi Law Offices

 

Here it is, Dhurke's old law office – and now home of the future Justice Law Offices. Yeesh, talk about your fixer-upper!

Looking around at the dusty, dark space that had formerly been the headquarters of the Defiant Dragons, Apollo heaved a gusty sigh and sank down on the musty sofa while fighting back the sensations of being completely overwhelmed and in over his head, combined with a wave of homesickness for Los Angeles and the people that he had loved like a family there for the past couple of years that he'd recently bid farewell to when he'd chosen to stay behind in West Asia.

Apollo still couldn't figure out what had been most agonizing parting amongst the members of the Wright Anything Agency.

Even now, I still can't decide which goodbye was the most gut-wrenching for me. Was it when I had to see the teary blue eyes of the bouncy little magician who christened me Polly –entirely without my consent! – but always with all the love in the world? The Top Hatted trickster who traumatized me by always screaming about her Magical Panties, yet grew to be like the occasional bratty but endearing little sister that I never had, to whom I could never say no, and thus always succumbed to her every whim, even if it meant life or death scenarios as her reluctant magical assistant! The same girl-child who was, in spite of the vast difference in our ages, my closest friend after Clay died, and was my constant companion and source of light in my otherwise bleak existence.

He buried his head in his hands.

Or was it seeing the look of resignation, acceptance, and desolation on Mr. Wright's face when I told him my decision to leave? Phoenix Wright. My mentor. My childhood idol. The Comeback King, who taught me everything I knew about how to be a legitimately good lawyer and decent man. The Turnabout Terror, who took me under his wing while still giving me the wind beneath them to fly and become my own kind of lawyer? The one who made me realize I had the powers of perception and made me feel like a superhero when I realized this little bracelet of mine wasn't merely a funky accessory. What kid doesn't dream of becoming a superhero at some point? Of course, given my stature and of course, my legal talents, being a lawyer was my best not to mention the most realistic option, but seeing the unbreakable Phoenix Wright in action over the years still gave me the occasional urge to want to persevere and become my own sort of legal superhero of sorts, to make courtroom victories possible that otherwise would never have been.

Apollo clenched his eyes shut, but the burning image of Athena's beautiful, tear-stained face during their bittersweet secret kiss goodbye stubbornly remained seared in his mind. With a pang, he realized at that moment just which goodbye had been the hardest of all.

Yup. It was bidding adieu to my Tiger that was almost been my undoing.

This was the very girl who had made him realize that one could not have faith or belief without any doubt and habitually scandalized him to his very core. First, in a public courtroom while asking if he was into bondage when reenacting the Themis Academy crime scene, and the second time when she'd demanded to see the secret tattoo Apollo had on his rear end! The effusive, brainiac, titian-haired beauty who'd made him realize you could be best friends with a girl, despite being your polar opposite. Even one who was annoyingly perky at times, especially in the mornings; an overly competitive, butt-kicking, orange juice-loving kind who dragged his resisting butt of bed every morning at 6 AM to accompany her on those grueling 5-mile daily jogs.

Wild, zany, brave, wonderful maddening Big Red herself, with the indelible behind he'd  been forced to jog behind for two exerting years!

A bubbly brainiac that's built like a swim-suit model, whose heinie looks like two Pringles chips hugging, he recalled with a rueful grin. Athena's a knockout in more ways than one, alright!

Their stealthy parting smooch had been their first and only one, letting him know without words within its fleeting instant that all his years of ardor had most definitely not been one-sided!

That kiss would forever be seared into his memory.

Their mouths collided, meeting in the middle. It was just like the Greek God relationship itself; the perfect give and take. His fingers had dug into her Titian mane as he pulled Athena closer to him. She'd wrapped her arms around his neck, and Apollo had kissed her with the desperation of a drowning sailor who couldn't help but cling to the hope and magic of immortal life that was promised in this kiss…

I couldn't stop kissing her if my life had depended on it, Apollo vividly recollected, as though it'd only been yesterday. Time, the whole world itself froze for me — in that instant, it was like the sun had stopped shining, the earth had stopped its movement on its axis…

While a thousand emotions had been wordlessly spoken between them during that kiss, which Apollo had fervently he hoped was not their last, a lifetime of inherent coping pessimism couldn't allow him to think JusticeCykes could go the distance.

Not while countries, not to mention  continents  apart, and only the Holy Mother knows for how long.

Knowing this still didn't erase the glaring, inconvenient truth from his forlorn heart.

Athena Cykes. The deceptively strong spitfire who'd flipped a cop at him the first time they'd ever met – with neither of them ever knowing that Apollo would be the one flipping for her very shortly thereafter!

Welp, that clinches it. As much as I respected Mr. Wright and adored Trucy, there's still nothing more soul-crushing than saying goodbye to the love of your life.

The girl who'd forgiven him when he'd falsely believed and accused her of Clay's murder. The Courtroom Revolutionnaire who'd been his steadfast investigation partner and healed his mental wounds with her kindness, caring, and psychology therapy sessions. The wingless angel who had held his hand to comfort his sorry acrophobic ass when they'd had to climb to literally unknown heights together to investigate the crime scene when Trucy had falsely been accused of murder.

The one girl who, even though family honor and a vow to avenge a certain slain dragon had forced him to leave her behind, Apollo knew he'd love forever.

It's official, he realized grimly. This attorney has endured as much misery and loss as any doctor and is now seriously contemplating some sort of psychological health counseling – beyond the therapy kind I could get with Widget! – should have been a larger part of a law degree.

"Am I a heartless bastard to have left behind the only other family I've ever known?" He pondered aloud for the gazillionth time while stabbing his index finger so hard between his eyebrows, it actually hurt. "Sure, I may have grown up here in this foreign land, but I'm still an outsider in every way shape, or form! So not only am I all alone here, but I have my work cut out for me trying to rebuild everything from the ground up all by myself! I need to replace the captain of my brain ship because clearly, he's drunk at the wheel!"

But you're not alone, his mind whispered to him. You don't have to do this on your own. Your old friend Ema said she'd stay behind too, remember? Surely, she who calls you Horn Head would lend you a hand if you asked her! Princess Rayfa is like another sister as well, and would therefore be the perfect person to help you acclimatize and offer assistance, or at least offer you a palace full of loyal servants who can help you put this place together!

Expelling a deep breath, Apollo nodded slowly to himself. It was true – he was not alone. Aside from Ema and Rayfa and her mother, Queen Amara, there was also his brother.

Nahyuta. The one who convinced me to stay. The man to whom I swore I'd help rebuild Khura'inese legal system in honour of Dhurke's memory. The one with who I shared all my childhood reminiscences, all of which were within this country. How can I ever forget the countless, blissful times we spent together, running around a field of wildflowers, with the sun beating down on our bare behinds? Or splashing each other in the river on hot days? Or the countless times I'd kick his butt while playing Chenti Benti…

The Asian children's pastime, still popular in Bangladesh, was a simple one. Just like frisky puppies, the boys would be entertained for hours playing the game that was composed of mere sticks – although they didn't chase them and play fetch!

All we'd needed was two sticks, one about six or seven inches long and the other about a foot long, Apollo recalled, as vividly as though it'd been yesterday. Then we'd make a hole in the ground about two inches deep and place the shorter above the hole so that it hangs over the edge. Then we'd hit the shorter stick with the longer stick as hard as we could! The person to flip the stick the farthest won.

Being a scrappy kid right from the start, the horn-haired boy had usually claimed victory over his foster sibling in the game. But regardless of the victor, the game, much like almost all the other moments they'd shared together while growing up, had been filled with laughter and bliss.

Oh boy, talk about simpler times back in those good ol' days! The red attorney chuckled to himself now. We didn't need much to amuse ourselves back then, did we? Those happy-go-lucky, carefree moments of abandonment with my brother, focused on having fun and nothing else, are the best of my childhood memories. Unlike my more painful adult ones, my days of youth are like a vacation slideshow that I can edit, keeping only the best ones that bring me joy, while letting the others fade.

But the best memories of all, of course, had been with the head Defiant Dragon himself; the only father Apollo had ever truly known.

Ah, that Dhurke. That lawyer-turned-rebel was quite the pistol! We're just lucky he was gunning for the good guys!

A wave of nostalgia washed over him as he fondly recalled every halcyon experience that he'd ever spent with the anterior defense attorney.

Holding me high over his head, Dhurke would spin me around real fast upon the grassy fields of wildflowers. We called it a "helicopter" ride. He'd get giddy and I would, too. It was one of my favorite times with him. And I was never once afraid he'd drop me – I trusted him with every fiber of my being, knowing that he'd never let me fall. He never let me down… which is why I can't let  him  down now.

He clenched his hands into determined fists, digging his fingernails so deeply into his palms they tore into his flesh. But Apollo was mindless to the stinging sensation.

"Dhurke Sahdmadhi." The familiar prickling sensation behind his lids returned as he spoke the name aloud. "There's not a day that will go by that I won't miss you or remember you. I loved you so much… Dad."

He turned his face towards the heavens, needing to believe the late, great Defiant Dragon could hear him.


[APOLLO]
(speaking):

"I'm going to become someone Dhurke would be proud to call his son. I won't let his death be in vain. I will restore the Kingdom of Khura'in to its former glory and make his delegation to restore this justice system to one of honor into fruition. I will… I will deploy his mission and bring it to light while heralding the praises of the only father I have ever known from the rooftops!"


[APOLLO]
Loudly deploy
I swear I'll loudly deploy
Hear my vow, sad though I am, Dad
You'd never believe your own eyes


I'll help fight crime
Free the non-guilty
I care nothing of my wage
That's not important to me…


Thought I was your forgotten kid
Lived life sullen, void of joy
Never knew about the cleaning up
You strived for here all this time


Hear me Dad, these words from my heart
I promise I will rebuild from the start
Restore honor to your name and the courts
I'll loudly deploy


True that I've not got much to offer
Just a short, horn-haired young man
Been called Polly, Herr Forehead and Stink Bug
But I'll still do the best that I can


Rifts in this land shall abridge won't be easy to grow
I can't just sit idly by here and grieve thee
Not the me that you know


But by the next moon
I vow to loudly deploy
Though I am not a top scholar
Just one of those foreigner guys


With hand on chest, I vow to you
Since you were the only father that I knew
Dad, I will strive to
Proudly herald you
I'll loudly deploy...


Apollo steeled himself not to break down as thoughts of the beloved man and his untimely passing threatened to consume him yet again.

"I'm fine!" He bellowed into the empty room, Chords of Steel in full effect. "My name is Apollo Justice, of the new Justice Law Offices – and I'm fine!"

He had to stay strong. He had to focus on the present – and on making a brighter future for his father's homeland.

I need to treat these painful memories like thick, heavy novels; encyclopedia volumes that nobody uses anymore and are left to collect dust on the bookshelf. Sure, I can pluck one at random if I need to learn something again or seek a different perception that will help me create my own good story. I can choose to reflect on my past through a detached, third-party point of view, as though watching somebody else's tragic backstory rather than my own. One or two rough chapters does not mean a bad book. I am the author of my own story from here on.  I  get to choose what goes on the pages going forward, and I alone can ensure the future is friendly; that today and tomorrow are going to be wonderful.

"These heartrending reminiscences, they are no different from a reoccurring bad dream. They dissipate whenever I open my eyes; whenever I choose to just focus on being here in present; whenever I think of you. Whenever I'm with you. I know you're still with me and watching over me, Dad. I can feel your presence. Knowing this, I can raise my face towards the sun and let the daylight rays shine upon me, so these desolate memories have no choice but to vanquish and I can absorb the splendor and wonder of everything around me."

Placing a hand over his chest, Apollo kept his chin tilted upward, mindless of the droplets rolling from his eyes as he continued his avowal.

"I promise you Dad, from this day forward, I will leave behind all my painful memories and bury them into the ground, like the coffin we had for you at the funeral. They are entombed now, and I set them to rest with the same veneration I gave you and always will give you; just like yours, this ceremonial burial of my past traumas will be mourned for their passing, but like with any memorial, the wake comes next. It is the waking of my inner-self, the one with the power to heal and be the person I was always destined to be. This dragon will never yield. I swear that I will make you proud of your boy."

Chapter 105: Near Or You're Far

Notes:

JP: For teardrop1013 on A03. My partner's comment on his preferred Apollo ship is just proof of why he's so awesome – for some reason, despite the two of us having slim to no pairing preferences in common, he's always been such a huge supporter of all my work, even before he became my friend and incredible co-writer. This is why I had to use his suggestion about "skewered connections" in this homage to the Greek God couple – Happy JusticeCykes Day, everyone! And yes, it's still JusticeCykes Day, April 17 in PST! Ergo, I decided to use the request of one of our sweetest, most loyal readers to pay homage to one of my lesser-known OTPs that I adore but haven't had a chance to Wright much yet! This is a direct sequel to the hinted at JusticeCykes story in the previous chapter 104, Proud of Your Boy, from our 3-year anniversary chapter. Enjoy!😊

CT: To be honest, I feel torn about this parody. On the one hand, JP managed to perfectly capture the energy and passion that makes JusticeCykes a great ship. However, on the other hand, as a JuniPollo shipper myself, it hurts me a bit because I can just imagine Juniper standing off to the side in the dark while Athena and Apollo are singing and giving the former the death stare to end all death stares while coughing nonstop. Though despite that, I can easily put aside my feelings when it comes to some good old-fashion JP-brand fluff.

Chapter Text

"Near Or You're Far"
sung to the tune of "Rewrite The Stars"
from
 The Greatest Showman

June 2028 – Athena Cykes Apartment 

 

 

It's so hard to say goodbye… even though Apollo and I bid each other farewell over a month ago!

With a gusty sigh, the Spring Chick hit the pause button on her Netflix remote, halting the romantic song between Zendaya and Zac Efron, then flopped her head back against the couch cushions.

Normally, The Greatest Showman was one of her favorite musicals. However, in her current despondency, the handsome High School Musical alum was incapable of either holding her interest or providing her the welcome distraction she'd been craving.

The last time she'd watched this film had been with Apollo, during one of their many weekend movie marathons at her place. Those nights had always been a blast for the yellow and red duo, and although the Horned Devil would've hated to admit it, she knew he'd enjoyed musicals as much as she did. Together they'd watched everything from Chicago to Aladdin. He'd even taken her to the live stage production of the latter for her last birthday. Then they'd playfully squabbled, as they always did with essentially everything, about which genie had been the best between Robin Williams, the hilarious Broadway actor, or Will Smith in the live-action movie.

Therefore, watching the scene of Rewrite The Stars was now downright excruciating, considering how all it did was bring on a wave of inescapable nostalgia and melancholy.

Two months ago, Athena had coaxed a couple of beers into her colleague and the normally uptight office butt monkey had loosened up considerably, resulting in him actually joining her, for the first time ever, in belting along to the iconic tunes of the musical. Apollo's golden-throated vocals had sounded downright dreamy; he'd been showcasing some rather impressive, and clearly hereditary, pipes which very much demonstrated that his late biological father, Jove Justice, had been quite the musician.

After that, singing with Herr Forehead had become their secretly shared therapeutic experience.

Singing together was like musical therapy for me. It got my emotions back into rhythm. It had a way of releasing the feelings that were held within, of showing us both door and key. I'd never felt closer to him than I did at those moments…

"Mierda!" Athena exclaimed out loud, clapping a hand over her eyes. "Get a grip, girl! Look at you, getting all moony and sentimental over a musical… And all because of a Horn Headed jerk-face who lives a million miles and a few oceans and continents away, who hasn't returned a single one of your emails or calls or texts within the last month!"

That particularly stinging reminder resulted in a lone droplet rolling down her cheek, and she brushed it away angrily.

"Hijo de puta – I'm actually crying over a guy who's clearly never spared me a second thought – again! Madre de Dios …I am beyond pathetic!"

No, forget pathetic. She was downright pitiful! She'd have to be if not even the ever-hunky Hugh Jackman could thwart her mind from drifting back to the boy who'd taken her heart with him when he'd made the fateful decision to stay in West Asia.

Nevertheless, despite how close they'd been, and that one unforgettable time she'd spent in his embrace when they'd had to say goodbye … Not one correspondence ever since.

Yet he's been in touch with Mr. Wright and Trucy, so he can hardly claim he's been too busy building up his stupid law agency as a valid excuse!

The palpably dismissive snub cut to her very core like a katana.

It's Friday night – well technically Saturday morning now, and what am I doing? Certainly not going out and grabbing drinks with Mr. Wright and Maya, even though I know they only invited me out of pity, since in between trying to make me commit death-defying acts as her default magic assistant, Trucy can't stop haranguing me about how I've allegedly been dragging my chin on the ground ever since Apollo left us!

Athena hugged a throw pillow against her chest and sulked.

It's just as well I didn't go. I would've only been a third wheel anyway if I'd joined those two, or even worse, the fifth wheel if Prosecutor Edgeworth and Ms. von Karma had ended up joining Smooching Special Someones at The Borscht Bowl. Still, at least Fredgeworth is a more dignified couple and can restrain themselves from publicly pawing at each other like a couple of lovesick dogs who need to get the hose turned on them! The Comeback King has been reduced to a pile of Royal Goo since last month, what with him and his other half acting like a couple of horny teenagers ever since we got back from Khura'in. For crying out loud, while it's nice to see the boss so happy to have his girlfriend back – Pearl and Trucy are almost giddier about Phaya than the couple themselves! – it doesn't mean  I  want to watch the shameless PDA fiends sucking face every five minutes! It's so inconsiderate! Don't those goo-birds realize there are single, depressed people in their midst?!

The forlorn redhead drained her cocktail glass and scowled.

I'd rather have been at the office catching up on paperwork, but with my luck, they'd just drunkenly stumble back there and start going at it right on the visitor chesterfield– if not on the desk! Gracias, pero no gracias to seeing that show!

With a sharp pang, the teen realized just how deeply she missed Apollo. She wasn't crying anymore though; it wasn't that kind of miss. She missed him from the deepest recesses of her heart all the way to her very core, like an unfinished puzzle with one absent piece, and without which it'd forever be rendered incomplete. The kind of miss where she knew it was futile and no amount of wishing could possibly change things and make him come back. The kind of missing that would never go away no matter how much she willed it to and kept sprouting up in the most unexpected times and places, like dandelion weeds.

Nonetheless, she couldn't be dissuaded from the urge to want to pick up the phone for the umpteenth time. It couldn't stop her from wanting to hear his voice again, even if it wasn't saying much, and if she'd had a few more glasses of wine – she probably would have dialed his number again.

No, not wine, a mimosa. Champagne mixed with her precious OJ, otherwise known as the juice of all champions. The weekend cocktail was her one vice in life. She'd already had three of them.

A guaranteed hangover with a side of vitamin C.

She hurled her pillow across the room as inspiration then struck.

Forget the phone! I'm going to video chat with that blasted poltroon and get as face-to-face as humanly possible, short of literally jumping on a plane like Mr. Wright did when he thought Maya was in trouble! Obviously though, I'm going to need to ambush him, since there's no way he's going to pick up if it's from me. However, I know whose video call he always will answer!

The galvanized counsellor quickly sent out a rapid-fire text.

Trucy, your father has some important files on his computer that I must access for an upcoming court case. I need to log onto his computer remotely. Can I get his login password, please?

The reply came back instantly.

Sure, no problem. It's MAYA4EVER. By the way, his Skype account handle is SirBlueKnight, and Future New Mommy changed his password recently, so it's either SUCKITKRISTOPH, BURNTHEBEANIE, or FEYBURGERQUEEN. Also, make sure to tell Polly I said HI!

Athena tossed her phone back onto the couch as though it had suddenly scorched her fingers and felt her cheeks flame. The most inexplicable magical ability of the Troupe Gramarye heiress was her downright creepy and otherworldly ability to know exactly what was going on - even when you tried to conceal it!

"¡Qué demonios! How in the name of Satan's jockstrap did she know what I was up to?!"

The bewildered stripling padded down the hall to her bedroom, fired up her PC and entered her employer's screen handle into Skype. After two attempted login fails, SUCKITKRISTOPH did the trick.

Athena closed her eyes as her fingers hovered hesitantly over the video call icon. She had zero doubt Apollo would answer. It was early afternoon in Khura'in now, and it was Saturday, so he most definitely wouldn't be in court. But how could she possibly justify her somewhat unhinged actions and kindergarten-level attempted espionage?

I'm a girl who's in love. I don't need to have any stinking logic!

Her mind flashed back to the last time they'd been together.


"There's something I need to tell you," Athena had blurted out before she lost her nerve. "Because if you're really going to stay behind and I'm never going to see you again until The Holy Mother only knows when, there are far too many things left unspoken between us. Things that I just can't ignore anymore. I don't want to look back at my life and have any what-ifs. I don't want to grow old and grey and ponder what might've been if only I'd had the guts. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with regrets and doubts and sleepless nights, wondering if I was the only one who'd felt this way."

Apollo's eyes were filled with sorrow and regret as he placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Tiger, don't." He shook his head. "Don't do this. Please, don't make this even harder than it already has to be. It's foolish and pointless, and it's only going to hurt us more."

"Then I guess I am a fool!" She cried. "Because only a fool would take the biggest gamble of her life and lay her heart on the line like this!"

"Athena…"

"You can't lie to me, Apollo Justice!" Her vision became blurred by a sudden wash of tears. "I know we promised we'd never use our powers on each other, but right now, I don't care! I can hear the secrets in your heart, and it's crying out to me right now! I can tell these emotions are different from the regular sadness I heard when you were saying goodbye to Mr. Wright and Trucy. It's something more, so don't even try to deny it!"

The liquid beads were now rolling down her cheeks faster than she could wipe them away.

"There's something else there right now, so there's no use lying now that it's just you and me! It's been there for a long time and we both know it and I'm not leaving until you stop being such a coward and just admit it, dammit!"

Without warning, the hands that had been on her shoulders swiftly drew her towards him, and just like that, Apollo leaned down and kissed her, softly and sweetly. He pulled back for only a brief moment to stare into her tear-stained face with unmasked tenderness before gently wiping away another stray droplet that was leaking out of her eye. Then he pulled her close again. This time, Athena was prepared, her slender arms instinctively reaching up to wrap around his neck as he locked both arms back around her waist. She arched into him, her breasts crushed against his chest while his mouth slanted over hers again as he kissed her once more, deeper this time, and with more passion than she ever could've dreamed of.

No other words had needed to be spoken.


That low growl he made in this throat when our bodies were locked together like that still makes me tingle. It was the most intoxicating sensation I've ever experienced, knowing such power, and Lord help me, I'd move heaven and earth to hear it again.

Athena had always believed that the way a boy felt about you would always be known in his kiss; that even if she hadn't already been gifted with the ability to hear what was in her lover's heart, that she'd instinctively know whether her emotions were reciprocated. Convinced that it'd been so, she'd then gotten on the plane shortly afterward, her lips still tingling and her heart aflutter.

I was so convinced he felt the same way about me! That connection we had… It wasn't merely friendship - I could feel it. I can't believe that someone who meant so much to me – who still means so much to me – could forget about me that easily. Apollo was hardly the type to be so dismissive, or worse, the kind of rake that could kiss a girl like she was the only girl in the world; not unless he really meant it! So why has he been ghosting me?

The yellow attorney bit her lip nervously, her chest pounding erratically as the fuzzy picture slowly came into focus. The next thing she knew, Apollo's astounded visage, complete with saucer-sized amber orbs, was filling her screen.

"Athena!" He croaked when he finally was able to pick up his jaw from his chest. "You - you're not Mr. Wright! What's going on here? Is everything okay?"

"Don't worry, Mr. Wright's fine. He's out with Maya. I'm sorry to have resorted to such extreme tactics," she said quickly, filled with utter joy at seeing that beloved mien as well as the simultaneous urge to want to punch it for putting her through this month of tortured uncertainty! "But I  just had to talk to you and I knew you probably wouldn't pick up if I called you from my own account. I've been losing my mind for the past four weeks, Apollo! I need to know why you've been avoiding me. Please tell me what I've ever done, or what I've ever said, to make you completely want to cut me out of your life."

"It's nothing like that!" He protested feebly, scratching the top of his head with a sheepish expression. "I've just been really busy, you know? It's no small task, rebuilding the whole country's legal system again from the ground up…"

"Don't lie to me! I know you've in touch with our boss and with Trucy." The image on the screen grew a little shaky, and Athena found herself giving a silent prayer that the presumable dial-up connection in the third-world country would hold up long enough for her to say her piece. "Why haven't you returned any of my calls, Apollo? Do you really hate me that much?"

"No!" He looked appalled by the question. "Nothing could be further from the truth, I swear! I'm just…"

He looked away from the camera then, refusing to meet her prying gaze, and mumbled the next words, although she wasn't sure if the muffled sound was due to his uncharacteristically quiet tone, or the clearly unstable connection.

"It's not you, it's me, alright?"

"Then can you at least look at me," she pleaded. "Apollo, please don't ignore me. Please don't ignore what we had. It may not have been much but to me, it was something really special. And while I don't have much experience in these matters, the days I spent with you were the happiest ones of my life and I miss them. I miss you so much. I miss you like the desert misses the rain."

Apollo was silent, although he did finally lift his head and looked directly at her, as requested. He appeared to be very conflicted and confused, but at least he wasn't hanging up the call. That surely had to count for something.

"Do you ever miss me?" Athena asked desperately. "I didn't call you to beg you to come back to California. I just want to know that I didn't build up this whole fantasy based on my own one-sided feelings and desires. That I'm not delusional. I just need…"

She bit her lip.

"I just need to hear you say that you miss me, too. I know it probably wouldn't change anything. I'm not even saying that if we were to try to give this a shot that it'd work out. I'm not completely without rationale or reason. There is nothing you could say to me regarding this that I haven't already thought about. I know the odds are against us."

"Then why do you keep making this so hard?" He demanded helplessly. "I know it was a yellow-bellied move to have avoided you like I did, but that's because seeing you, talking to you - it hurts too damn much! Can't you see that, Athena? I'm not only in another country across the planet - I'm on another continent – and 8000 miles away! I may as well be on the freaking moon!"

"Well, thank you for letting me know that you've at least spared a thought for me all this time," she replied miserably. "I know you've always been the more reasonable and pragmatic one; that rationally you and I, given our current circumstances, wouldn't make any sense. But right now, I couldn't care less about all the sensible reasons why we should both walk away and never look back."

Limpid azure eyes steadily met forlorn hazel ones.

"You know me better than anyone's ever known me in all my years of existence. Therefore, you also know that I've never been one to lead with my head; I lead with my heart. And because of that, I'm just gonna put this out there, one last time."

Athena grabbed her practically empty tumbler and tipped the final droplets into her mouth for the last bit of Dutch courage.

"Inevitably, perhaps it would be best to try to let you go and allow us to both move on with our lives. However, said logic still can't erase the fact that I miss you with every fiber of my being. And now that I've finally gotten a hold of you, and I can see your face again, even on this somewhat pixilated screen of mine, I could not give an aeronautical fornication about logic. If you were to tell me that you even feel half of what I feel for you and that you miss me. Say those words, and then just hold out those arms, because near, far, wherever you are, I'll come running to you. I'll run into your arms and never look back, and God willing, we can fall all over again."

The words made his heart skip a beat. Had he heard her correctly?

"Did you say… fall?" He whispered in awe. "For me?  You will? Er, you did? I mean, you have?"

"Like a ton of bricks! Look, I know this is all totally insane, " she sighed. "It's nearly one in the morning and I've had a few mimosas. Ergo, I tend to speak without boundaries when I'm tired and a little tipsy. But the bottom line is Apollo, these ears of mine don't lie. I know what I sensed from you. I truly believe that you may have loved me, even just a little. Or that you at least could have loved me."

Athena wasn't sure if it was the combination of cocktails, the late hour, or the sight of that sweet baby face of his, but she was feeling more emboldened than she ever had in her entire existence, and the next words rolled off her tongue like ocean waves.

"Moreover, if you had ever mustered the valor to utter any of this out loud, you would've heard me say that I loved you right back."

Apollo was speechless. In fact, his astonished expression was so exaggerated and comical, and so reminiscent of his taken aback countenance in the courtroom that she couldn't help but giggle.

"You and I don't communicate very well with words do we?" She noted ruefully. "Wasn't that why you kissed me in the first place?"

He gulped nervously.

"T- Tiger, I wasn't faking anything with that kiss. You have to know this. I meant it.  I meant every word that I -I … Didn't say."

"And that's music to my ears." Her tone was playful now, and she was now feeling downright buoyant. Surely a boy who didn't feel anything for her would have hung up by now, and not continued staring at her with that endearing combination of unmasked mystification and affection. "It's just my luck… I finally tell a boy that I love him, and I reduce him to a speechless and stammering mess! I thought my feelings were obvious - was this honestly that much of a shock to you, you big nerd? Or should I have said it in song, instead?"


[Verse 1: Athena]

Must know I love you
Apollo with you I have no pride
I know you love me
So why do you push me aside?
You keep on acting en garde
Is it cuz I didn't beg you to stay
Back in LA with me?
I never wanted to part
But how could I stop you
From fulfilling your destiny?


[Chorus 1: Athena]

Whether you're near or you're far
If I have your heart, I'll be fine
It's something I've known from the start
That you were made to be mine
Look in my eyes, and hear my plea
Can you deny we're meant to be?
Whether you're near or you're far
You'll always be my shining star
And light


[Verse 2: Apollo]

Please listen to me
My heart is yours, that much is true
But there are oceans
And many miles keeping me from you
I never want you to cry
Your tears they would break me if I should be seeing them fall
It's not a matter of pride you'll have to face up and see
That we are facing too many walls


[Chorus 2: Apollo Justice]

Wish I could be near not be far
How to withstand the test of time?
Even though you're in my heart
Our fates are not meant to be entwined
It hurts but it's true, I must set you free
Just the thought of it's killing me
Wish I could be near not be far
Cuz you are my shining star
And light


[Post Chorus: Both, Apollo JusticeAthena Cykes]

Just wish I could be with you
Just wish I could hold and kiss you
Want to give my all to you
It's inconceivable
Not inconceivable
Not inconceivable?
Say it's conceivable


[Chorus 3: Apollo JusticeAthena Cykes]

Whether you're near or you're far
If I have your heart, I'll be fine
It's something I've known from the start
That you were made to be mine
Look in my eyes, and hear my plea
Can you deny we're meant to be?
Whether you're near or you're far
You'll always be my shining star
And light


Her lyrical voice was as beautiful as the girl herself. Apollo couldn't believe he'd restrained himself all these years from grabbing her and kissing her senseless at every given opportunity or taken every chance he'd had to tell her how he'd felt about her this whole time. Athena was like a rare gem; a true pearl in an oyster, only far more precious and rare.

For me, the best people on earth are the ones who seem to have the roughest, most tragic backstories. I'm very lucky to have so deeply connected with someone who has experienced the struggles, battles, and casualties of life's journey; so much beauty in their scars. These are the people who have been through hell, yet walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire. And that due to the fact that despite everything, she still believes in the innate goodness of humans. And that I believe, is what makes her quite so easy to love.


[Outro: Apollo Justice]

Must know I love you
Athena with you I have no pride
But this just won't work
And knowing this leaves me
Dead inside…


Despite the beautiful music they had just made together, Athena had never felt more torn. Half of her was filled with jubilance, unlike anything she had ever known, to hear that she was loved in return. However, the other half was filled with a crazed need to let the object of her affection know just what he was missing out on since he insisted on using his enormous horned head to guide his life decisions instead of his heart!

In the end, it was a case of the devil take the hindmost. The latter side won.

"That's fine, have it your way then," she shrugged, casually taking off her jacket with painstakingly slow, deliberate movements and biting back a knowing grin as Apollo's eyes widened in disbelief. "You know, even this late at night, it is still so hot here in Southern California! I was so tired when I got home from work that I didn't even change out of my work clothes. You don't mind if I slip into something more comfortable now, do you? I'm already in my room, so I may as well get into my pyjamas and call it a night."

Tilting her head to the side, the busty beauty flashed her most sultry smile at the camera as she began loosening the buttons on her blouse, displaying a tantalizing amount of cleavage after the third one lay gaping open, exposing the lacy edges of her red brassiere.

Apollo made a tiny noise. It sounded like a whimper.

"I can't wait to get this thing off," she remarked coyly, tracing her fingertips against the satin strap of the undergarment. "Hope you don't mind my lack of modesty, but after a long day, the material just gets so itchy against my smooth, creamy skin…"

"Tiger," he groaned, his horns drooping haplessly. "What are you trying to do to me here? Are you trying to kill me?!"

"Of course not!" Athena's pretty face was one of pure, wide-eyed innocence. "I just figured that since you're too much of a scaredy-cat to want to take a chance on us, and I'm going to be nothing but a distant faded memory after this call, I may as well give you something to remember me by…"

"Sweet mother of melon bread with ketchup on the side!" Apollo was practically drooling now, knowing the gentleman thing to do would be to look away but at that point, you couldn't have pried his starved gaze away from the screen with a crowbar. "Are you trying to cause me sudden death by blue balls…Nrgh! Wait! Oh, come on! Not now! Noooooooo…."

The last words of the sentence came to a long-drawn halt as the picture completely froze on the screen then, the red attorney having completely lost his battle against the shoddy Khura'in connection at last.

The last sight Athena saw was the flagrant admiration and lusty desire on the Horny Devil's face before the picture cut out completely… Just before she had removed her shirt completely and was wearing nothing but her skimpy undergarments. She let out a ruthless, triumphant snicker. At least she didn't need to worry about him forgetting her now!

"Ha-ha! Take that, buster! Clearly, the technology Gods have conspired in my favor to make sure he didn't even get one final full eyeful! Serves him right!"

The victorious feeling slowly faded away though, replaced by full-blown despondency.

She had taken the reins, yet it had gotten her nowhere. She'd told Apollo she loved him, and he'd finally admitted that he loved her, but it'd still ended up in heartache for both of them.

Oh well, what had she really expected would happen after her declaration of ardor? Apollo never had been the suave sort, like Klavier, or the gallant type like Mr. Edgeworth, so she'd always known a lifetime of unctuous flattery and wining and dining would never have been in her future. The Red Pepper wasn't even the grand gesture, romantic type of guy like Mr. Wright, who had run across a burning bridge trying to save a girl who hadn't even been his girlfriend at the time; the very same woman he had dropped everything for and rushed off to jet halfway across the world because he'd needed to ensure her safety.

Simply because Phoenix Wright loved Maya Fey that much.

What I wanted the Stink Bug to say was, "you are as mad as a hatter but I love you for it," or "this is just so crazy that just might work, so let's just dive in headfirst and throw caution to the wind. What I was hoping he would do was look at me in that special way that only he can and acknowledge that while he isn't a gambling guy, he was willing to go against all odds, even when they weren't in our favor, because I was a risk worth taking.

The heartbroken redhead fell back onto her bed and curled up into a little ball.

"Falling in love farking sucks," she grumbled to herself. "Sucks harder than a Hoover and a Dyson combined! Sure, it's all rainbows and flowers and unicorns and knights in shining armor… Until one day you wake up to reality and realize that your Sir Lancelot is really just a jerk in tinfoil. A cowardly jerk in tinfoil!"

The sudden beep in the silent apartment interrupted her next daisy chain of colorful grousing. The notification sound had come from her mobile, which Athena belatedly remembered she'd discarded in the living room when she had come to her computer.

Who could that be? She wondered grumpily. Probably Trucy needling me about how my Skype call with Apollo went. Well, looks like I'm going to have to break it to the poor kid that she's going to not be reusing her bridesmaid gown for Mr. Wright and Maya's upcoming wedding for any future JusticeCykes nuptials!

Plucking her phone off the sofa, Athena glanced down at the screen, and this time it was her turn to have her jaw hit the floor.

It was an email from Apollo.


Subject: Let's DO THIS!

Athena,

Forgive me. This may seem like the most abrupt turnabout in human history, but let's just say with your unconventional methods… you are one hell of a persuasive defense attorney! You've won your case against this eternally pessimistic doomsday legist. There's a reason you're considered the Courtroom Révolutionnaire!

I'm not too great with words, so bear with me. There's a reason this daft loudmouth is a  lawyer and not a lyricist.

I don't know much, Tiger, but I do know a good thing when I found it. I know that reciprocated emotions are harder to come by than a pearl in an oyster, and therefore when one finds something so precious, and so rare, they'd have to be an utter fool to ever let that go. There's a reason they say fools rush in.  You once called yourself a fool for wanting to be with me, but if wanting to be with the most beautiful, zany, crazy, smart, sexy girl in the world makes me a fool right back, then I never want to be considered smart, ever again.

So... let's do this.

I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and forget all about reason and timing and logic and the days between texts. Instead, I'm going to think about how every time I close my eyes, it's your face that I'm going to see in my mind, and it's the only face I'm going to want to see, ever, because you have left footprints in my heart that will never fade.

I've decided I'm going to stop running away or trying to do what I think is best or noble for everybody. Instead, I'm going to be reckless and crazy and wild for the first time in my entire life.

More than anything in the world, I want you to come running towards me, without any fear of recourse.

I want you to do this, because at the exact same time, I'll be running to you with arms wide open and who cares if we collide like two cataclysmic comets; that would still be better than passing each other like two ships in the night.

I'm going to wrap you in my arms and forget about everything else in the world and its expectations and rationale and whether or not this makes any sense.

This is love, Athena Cykes. Yours, mine, ours. You make me want to stop fearing everything and just hang on for this uncertain, wild, thrilling ride no matter how crazy or unpredictable it may be. I know that just as long as we're together, I'm fine, because I'll have you there to hold my hand.

In short, here comes Justice! He's all yours, for as long as you'll have him.

Attached is an open date, round-trip ticket to the Kingdom of Khura'in. I can't afford first-class just yet, since I'm just getting my business off the ground, but trust me, I will be counting the days until I see my Tiger's beautiful face coming off the coach section of that airplane.

I've got to go now. I need to use these Chords of Steel to go yell at my internet service provider for their lousy timing!

Love,
Apollo

P.S.  That little show interruption only counts as an intermission, right, not a curtain call!? I'll be counting the days until it can continue in person!

Chapter 106: Where There’s Her Whip, There is Pain

Notes:

CT: Due to changes in her family circumstances, JP was unable to write anything for the foreseeable future. As such, for the time being, I’ll be flying solo when it comes to writing these parodies. I know that I’m no fluff master like my co-writer is and won’t be able to replicate her style, but I’ll certainly try my best when it comes to the lighter/romantic parodies on our list. So without further ado, here’s my original description for this parody:

I don’t know how it happened, but one day, YouTube suggested a video featuring the song being parodied in this chapter, "Where There’s a Whip, There’s a Way", as a recommended video. But one thing’s for certain: the second I heard the original song, I instantly knew that I had to create a parody of it about our favorite whip-wielding tsundere prosecutor and have it be sung by one of her frequent victims.

September 9, 2021

JP: And I'm back! Glad to be here! Much thanks to my wonderful co-pilot for holding down the fort in my absence. This series on FF.net is now updated with this wonderful ditty by CT, who did this song entirely on his own accord, showing he is a creative as well as a comic genius! 😊

Chapter Text

"Where There's Her Whip, There is Pain"
Sung to the tune of
"Where There's a Whip, There's a Way"
from "The Return of the King"

It was around noon at the Prosecutor's Office, a time when most prosecutors would leave their offices to enjoy a well-deserved lunch break, with the surprisingly plain-looking breakroom being a hotspot of activity.

At one small wooden table, Sebastian was eating a crustless turkey sandwich that Justine had made for him while talking with Kay, who stopped by to visit him and chat, telling him about her plans to become a detective in addition to being a great thief after she graduated from school, stating how she'd follow in the footsteps of her Uncle Badd by helping people while being free to cover up her Yatagarasu work.

At a table in a dimly-lit corner on the far side of the breakroom, Klavier, despite having quickly become one of the most popular prosecutors in the greater Los Angeles area for not only exposing Phoenix Wright for the fraud that he was last month but also for his music career, was sitting alone, a look of sorrow in his eyes as he ate a forkful of the surprisingly large casserole that was his lunch, the Tupperware in which it was being kept in covered with heart-shaped sticky notes that had messages written on them such as 'The best casserole for the best prosecutor and one of the best sons!' and 'Touch my baby's casserole and I will end you!'

And in the corner next to the coffee machine, Winston was trying to look important by leaning against the counter while sipping on a cup of jo and watching the others go about their business with a smug grin, an act that prompted Godot- who, thanks to Edgeworth taking mercy on him because of his troubled past, wasn't punished with jail time for his crimes, but rather was forced to work as a prosecutor under parole with a reduced salary- to simply shake his head as he downed a mug of coffee like it was water.

But while his coworkers were enjoying their lunch breaks, Edgeworth was in his office making productive use of his time, eating a cucumber sandwich that he had delivered to him from one of his favorite teahouses while searching the internet on his laptop for information on Kristoph Gavin, a renowned defense attorney and a 'friend' that Phoenix gained right after losing his badge. Sure, Phoenix had sternly told him to stay out of his business and that this was his battle to fight, but Edgeworth wasn't going to sit idly by and allow this injustice against his childhood friend to go unnoticed. After all, anyone with half a brain could tell that there was something rotten in the state of California when it came to Phoenix's disbarment- how Klavier was so prepared to prove that Phoenix had used forged evidence, how the BAR Association was so quick to go with disbarment for a man with a pristine record, and how Phoenix had presented forged evidence in the first place. If the idealist attorney was conflicted about acquitting a guilty man when his beloved assistant's life was literally on the line, why would he start going down the dark path of courtroom corruption on some random case?

So what better way to start digging for clues on the matter than by looking into Kristoph Gavin, the man who not only decided to start being chummy with Phoenix the second he lost his badge but was also part of the committee that voted on the punishment of disbarment? Sure, the 'Coolest Defense in the West', as newspaper articles referred to him as, voted in favor of Phoenix keeping his badge, but that could have all been a way to cover up some underhanded involvement on his part. As part of the BAR Association, he could have very well have been motivated to strike down Phoenix as a way to hurt Edgeworth by proxy as revenge for getting Blaise Debeste arrested the previous month. After all, while investigating the prison during the murder of Horace Knightley, Justine made a threat about how the P.I.C. had strong ties to the BAR Association; so it wouldn't be a stretch to assume that a snake-like Blaise would have some corrupt cronies there who didn't take too kindly to his arrest. Not to mention, with Klavier being Kristoph's brother, there was a good chance that he'd be willing to help his sibling with a plan that would also serve to bolster his own reputation.

However, despite being a skilled attorney with an impressive record and the older brother of a rock star prosecutor who had more squealing fangirls than there were stars in the sky, the only things Edgeworth could find on the Coolest Defense in the West were some newspaper articles detailing his trials, several of which featured pictures of his mother being dragged out of the courtroom kicking and screaming by bailiffs after the defendant was declared guilty, and a number of surprisingly detailed analyses of Shirley Temple films on the Shirley Temple Fan Club website, of which Kristoph was the founder and president. Though before the maroon-clad prosecutor could continue his research, he was interrupted by Gumshoe bursting into his office.

"Mr. Edgeworth, you've gotta help me!" The scruffy detective desperately pleaded with a look of terror on his face. "She's out to get me!"

"Gumshoe…" Edgeworth sighed, closing his laptop so that he could give the underpaid detective his full attention. "For the last time, even though Trucy can be quite intimidating despite her appearance, she's not going to, in her words, 'rain magical fire of doom' upon you for being unable to pay for those Thick Mints that her Rainbow Squirt troupe was selling. That's most likely a bluffing technique that she learned from her new father, who has spent the last few days calling me to guilt me into buying her cookies instead of giving me information to help me clear his name." The maroon-clad prosecutor said with a slight hint of frustration in his voice before taking a deep breath to calm himself down.

"I'm not worried about Trucy anymore, sir. I solved that problem by making a deal with her where I'll assist her in her magic shows down at the Wonder Bar until my debt's been repaid."

"Then who are you referring to?"

"Ms. von Karma, sir!" Gumshoe exclaimed, slamming his meaty palms on his superior's desk. "She's gone crazy ever since Wright was disbarred- even more than normal! You know what she did to me earlier today?"

"Whip you to within an inch of your life and cut your salary like she's been doing for the past two years?" Edgeworth asked with crossed arms.

"Yeah, but this time, she cut my salary because I was 'disruptively breathing' at the crime scene we were investigating!"

"What?" Edgeworth asked with a confused look on his face.

"That's right, sir! Ms. von Karma was checking out the contents of a file cabinet while I was dusting for fingerprints nearby on the handle of the drawer that the murder weapon was found in, when all of a sudden, she starts whipping me out of nowhere and ranting and raving about how she can't concentrate with a foolish fool like me breathing so loudly like a foolhardy fool!" Gumshoe snapped. "Now I'm used to getting my pay cut by you, Ms. von Karma, and nearly every other prosecutor I've worked under, but I can usually move past it because I did something to deserve it, like when I let Wright take Maya's cellphone when we arrested her for her sister's murder, or when I used that discount cleaner on your office windows that corroded the glass because there was none of the primo stuff left in the janitor's closet. But this…! This is crossing the line, sir! With how much my pay's been cut, breathing's one of the few good things I have left in my life! So please, help me, Mr. Edgeworth! Do something to help me calm down Ms. von Karma before she takes what little I have away from me!"

"I fully agree that Franziska has no grounds to cut your salary for that reason, and as such, I'll work to undo it. But unfortunately, that's all I can do." Edgeworth calmly stated as he pointed at his subordinate.

"But you're Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth! You can do ANYTHING!" Gumshoe proclaimed, his hands held high and his gaze pointed upwards like a pastor spreading their message.

"Gumshoe…" Edgeworth sighed in exasperation as he put a palm to his forehead and slightly leaned forward. "I may be unmatched when it comes to logic and can make your life better or worse on a whim, but that doesn't change the fact that at the end of the day, I'm merely a man of flesh and bone. To ask me to confront Franziska about her temper is like requesting someone to push the sun away because it's too bright. The person can try, but the only thing they would accomplish is experiencing a quick and painful death."

"Don't worry, Mr. Edgeworth. I'm not asking for something that direct. I've got a great idea, but I'm gonna need your help to pull it off, Gumshoe stated with a goofy grin.

"As much as I dread the answer to this question, what is your plan?" Edgeworth asked with a look of concern. "Though before you answer, if it's illegal and/or morally questionable, don't bother telling me. I'm still dealing with that incident from last week where Kay tried to use subliminal messaging to get Sebastian to buy her a pony."

"Well, for one thing, this plan doesn't involve the local petting zoo, so even if it fails, it won't end as badly as that one." Gumshoe chuckled. "But without further ado, here's my idea, sir: since you're so close to Wright and Ms. von Karma, I was thinking that you could set them up on a date at a nice restaurant. Then, when they become a couple, he'll help to mellow her out."

"WHAT!?" Edgeworth exclaimed, his eyes becoming saucer-sized as he reeled back in his seat.

"Now, Mr. Edgeworth, I know it's a bit of a stretch, but-" Gumshoe tried to reason, only to be immediately cut off by his superior.

"'A bit of a stretch…?'" Edgeworth hissed. "The Seabiscuit debacle that Kay and Sebastian unleashed upon the Prosecutor's Office's lobby and parking garage last week was 'a bit of a stretch'! But this, on the other hand, is complete and utter madness! What on earth would compel you to come up with such a cockamamie scheme?"

"Don't pretend that you don't know, sir…" Gumshoe chuckled.

"Know what?" Edgeworth asked with a confused look. "That your mind is officially as expired as the food you eat?"

"The obvious crush that Ms. von Karma has on Wright, of course! I mean, whenever those two are together, you can just cut the sexual tension with a knife."

"I'm sorry, Gumshoe; I guess I've been having a hard time picking up on it over the sound of Wright screaming in pain as Franziska whips him while yelling about how he ruined her life." Edgeworth wryly stated with outstretched arms.

"Mr. Edgeworth, Mr. Edgeworth, Mr. Edgeworth…" Gumshoe smirked with a shake of his head. "Ms. von Karma may act like she hates Wright, but between how she traveled all the way here from Europe this last February just for the chance to go up against him in court, assisted him with his investigation despite still being the case's prosecutor, and how shaken up she's been over his disbarment, it's obvious that she uses that as a cover to hide her real feelings. Why, if those two were in elementary school, she'd be tripping him down a stairway and then trying to get him expelled for picking a fight with her on the grounds that he kicked her leg before tumbling down the stairs."

"The question regarding what kind of depraved elementary school you attended aside, even if on the off-chance Franziska has feelings for Wright, I doubt that he'd feel the same way about a woman who literally whipped him into submission." The maroon-clad prosecutor calmly stated with crossed arms.

"Even if he doesn't, we have to do something, sir! Because you see…" Gumshoe pleaded before starting to sing.


{Gumshoe}

Where there's her whip,

There is pain.

Where there's her whip,

There is pain.

Where there's her whip…


Gumshoe couldn't help but briefly pause to whimper and wince upon being reminded of the pain that he had to suffer because of that whip.


{Gumshoe}

I don't wanna investigate today,

'Cause the Lady of the Lash will try to slash my pay!

It doesn't matter that I toil all day,

'Cause where there's her whip,

There is pain!

Where there's her whip,

There is pain!

Where there's her whip,

There is pain!

Where there's her whip,

There is pain!

Foolish Fool!

Foolish Fool!

Fool!

That phrase makes all my hopes wane!

Fool!

Fool!

A crack of that whip means my pay's been cut,

She feels like she can treat me like some mutt,

All 'cause she's hurt that Wright hasn't asked her out!

Not fair!

Not fair!

Not fair!

Where there's her whip,

There is pain.

Where there's her whip,

There is pain.

Where there's her whip…


Instead of whimpering, Gumshoe paused to growl and stomp his foot, the anger that he had towards the whip-happy prosecutor that had motivated him to perform this song for Edgeworth coming to the surface.


{Gumshoe}

I don't wanna investigate today,

'Cause the Lady of the Lash will surely cut my pay!

It doesn't matter that I bust my butt all day,

'Cause where there's her whip,

There is pain!

Not fair!

Not fair!

Not fair!

That blasted whip…!

I don't wanna investigate today,

'Cause the Lady of the Lash will take my joy away!

That's why I cry after work every day!

'Cause where there's her whip,

There is pain!


"So Mr. Edgeworth, will you do it? Will you help me out with my plan to calm Ms. von Karma down and ease my pain?" Gumshoe pleaded, his hands tightly clasped together as he flashed his superior a pair of sad puppy dog eyes in an attempt to win him over.

"I have to say, Gumshoe, your song was surprisingly well-thought-out and brimming with the kind of underdog enthusiasm that I couldn't turn a blind eye to even if I wanted to," Edgeworth stated with outstretched arms.

"Really, sir?" Gumshoe beamed.

"But that's just me. What do you think, Franziska?" Edgeworth smirked, prompting the scruffy detective's face to lose all color.

"M-M-M-Ms. von Karma…!" Gumshoe sputtered, his eyes becoming saucer-sized as he slowly turned around, only for his worst fears to come to fruition as he saw Franziska leaning against the office's doorframe and flashing him a scowl that could kill, prompting his gaze to frantically dart between the two prosecutors. "How long has she been standing there, sir?"

"About three words into your song." The maroon-clad prosecutor stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, why didn't you warn me that she was there?!" Gumshoe snapped as a mixed look of terror and anger filled his voice and eyes.

"Who am I to interrupt a man's elegy, Gumshoe?" Edgeworth wryly asked as he got up from his chair and walked over to his couch, knowing full well that there was a good chance that the soon-to-be-former bumbling detective would be flung over the desk and through the window shortly before becoming a stain on the sidewalk 12 floors below… if he was lucky.

"S-Sir, please…! Please have mercy!" Gumshoe begged, pressing his back against Edgeworth's desk as Franziska slowly walked into the office, closed the door behind her, and blocked it off using her 'little' brother's custom chess table- all without saying a single word. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean what I said! Honest! I-I-I was just in a really bad place because I haven't eaten anything all day and my blood pressure's been really low! Plus, it's a real scorcher out there today, and you know what heat does to tempers- especially when-"

"Silence, Scruffy!" Franziska barked as she cracked the air with her whip before brandishing her trusty weapon. However, instead of going on a tirade or lashing the detective to the brink of death, the silver-haired prosecutor flashed him a smile as she returned her whip to its holster. "I'm not angry with you." Franziska calmly stated.

"Y-You're not?" Gumshoe asked as a confused look formed on his face.

"Of course not, Scruffy. Why would I be upset at you for simply stating a fact?" Franziska asked in an overly sweet tone that had some ominous undertones as she sauntered towards the underpaid man. "After all, where there's my whip there is pain!" The silver-haired prosecutor snarled as she lashed Gumshoe with her whip.

"B-But didn't you just say that you weren't angry?" Gumshoe whimpered, his body hunched over in an attempt to make himself a smaller target.

"I'm not, Scruffy, but I would hate to ruin your foolish expectations by not taking away your joy and then slashing your pay with each lash. So that is what I intend to do!" Franziska snarled as she lashed the detective again with her whip.

"M-Mr. Edgeworth, help me! PLEASE!" Gumshoe wailed as he flashed a look of terror at his beloved superior who was sitting back on his couch.

"Already ahead of you, Gumshoe. By me sitting here and allowing Franziska to do what she wants with you, she'll calm down in record time, thereby accomplishing the very goal that brought you here. Though all I ask in return is that you clean up any bloodstains that Franziska leaves behind." Edgeworth smirked.

"But, Mr. Edge- Aaaaah!" Gumshoe tried to beg, only to be cut off by Franziska unleashing a flurry of lashes from her whip on him, causing him to fall to the ground as she angrily kept singing the phrase 'where there's my whip, there is pain'.

Chapter 107: Hey there, Dahlia

Notes:

CT: Since JP tackled my request for the song that will be featured in the next chapter, I felt that it was only fair that I return the favor by tacking a crack at her suggestion of “Hey there, Delilah”. So since the song is about a whinny guy proclaiming that this girl is the light of his life and that he’ll do anything for her, I figured that it would be a perfect fit for the sheer cringe that was Phoenix during his Feenie days in which he worshiped the ground that Dahlia walked on and was willing to go to jail for her, even going as far as to eat a necklace made of metal and glass to keep her from being convicted. Seriously, if Phoenix had access to a guitar at any point in time while dating “Dollie”, I’m all but certain that he would have stood outside of her dorm room window and would have sung his own version of Hey there, Delilah until campus security came to carry him away kicking and crying.

JP: After three years, you’d think I’d have learned not to read anything by my comic genius of a partner while drinking… but alas, my partner can vouch wholeheartedly for the Stooges worthy spit take I did while reading about how Weenie Feenie never would have made a pass at any lass who ever expelled vile exit matter from her ass… 🤣

Chapter Text

“Hey there, Dahlia”

Sung to the tune of

“Hey there, Delilah”

From Plain White T’s


It had been a week since Phoenix’s disbarment and as much as he didn’t want to do so, he needed to clean out the office to make room for some new props that his newly-adopted daughter, Trucy, was buying for her magic shows so that she could help make ends meet after school and on weekends. Sure, Phoenix felt awful that his eight-year-old daughter had to work in order to help keep a roof over their heads, but he didn’t have much of a choice on the matter thanks to how all of the decent-paying employers weren’t too keen on hiring a supposedly-crooked defense attorney who forged evidence and (in the case of female interviewers) had the gall to attempt to cheat everyone’s favorite rock god, Klavier Gavin, out of victory.

Though it wasn’t all bad. Right after Phoenix was disbarred, Kristoph Gavin, Klavier’s older brother made great efforts to become his friend. This was probably done out of paranoia to ensure that he never learned the truth behind that forged diary page, but unfortunately for Kristoph, that ship had already sailed thanks to Phoenix starting a secret investigation in which he quickly found out that the drill-haired attorney was the true culprit behind the forgery after seeing little Vera Misham in possession of a bottle of the same kind of nail polish that the drill-haired defense attorney frequently used. As such, Phoenix could take full advantage of this ‘friendship’ without feeling guilty until he was presented with the right opportunity to clear his name.

For example, being able to sit back on the couch and watch Kristoph struggling to carry a large, heavy cardboard box out of the storage closet.

“Finally!” Kristoph exclaimed, plopping the box down near 14 others identical to it. “The last box! But out of curiosity, Wright, if I may ask, what are the contents of these boxes?”

“Toilet cleaner.” Phoenix nonchalantly responded.

“You mean to tell me that you’ve been storing 15 boxes of toilet cleaner in your office?” Kristoph asked with a look of visible confusion. “What for? I only use a few bottles a month and my office has more than five guests over the course of a year.”

“What can I say?” Phoenix shrugged. “Toilets need cleaning. Though what are you upset about? Thanks to our efforts, the hard part’s done.”

“No, thanks to my efforts the hard part’s done.” Kristoph growled as he pushed his glasses up to hide the rage building up within him. “Because while you had me lugging around your boxes of cleaning supplies like some beast of burden, you were sitting on that couch ‘supervising’ while having Maya do the easy task of cleaning out your desk.”

“No offense, Kristoph, but you have to be my friend for more than a week to be allowed to go through my drawers. And as for me supervising, like I said before, I’m exhausted from having to pull another all-nighter at the Borscht Bowl. But don’t you worry, Kristoph…” Phoenix stated, getting up off the couch to pat his ‘friend’s’ shoulder. “If this bothers you, I’ll make it a point to go over to Drew Studio first thing tomorrow and not leave until I get to the bottom of who forged that diary page. That way, I can learn the truth, get my badge back, and no longer have to worry about being a burden for you.”

“Nonsense, Wright.” Kristoph flashed a warm smile, the left side of his mouth very slightly twitching. “It’s no problem at all. I was just a little bit irritable after having to lift so many heavy boxes. So you just sit back down, relax, and take your mind off everything. Like I said several times before, during my off-hours, I’m investigating your disbarment to the best of my ability and will let you know if-“

“Nick! Nick! Nick!” Maya excitedly shouted as she rushed over to the duo with her hands behind her back. “Guess what I found!”

“Well, I know it’s not the ability to interrupt someone midsentence.” Kristoph wryly retorted.

“I don’t know, Maya… A burger receipt? A Steel Samurai trading card? My dignity?” Phoenix responded, cocking his head to the side to think of what Maya could possibly be so excited about.

“Ha ha! Good one, Nick! As if you ever had dignity to begin with!” Maya tittered. “No, I found this! Ta-da!”

At that moment, Maya showed Phoenix and Kristoph what she was holding: a VCR tape that read ‘Hey there, Dahlia’ in black marker on the label and was surrounded with several pink hearts, prompting the ex-defense attorney’s eyes to become saucer-sized out of horror.

“M-Maya, where did you get that?” Phoenix nervously gulped, doing everything in his power to scream, rip the tape out his burger-loving ex-assistant’s hands, throw it onto the ground, and stomp on it until it was nothing but dust.

“I found it in one of your desk drawers along with a note that was around 20 pages long that went on and on about how horrible Sis was for getting you an acquittal and how she was causing the downfall of society. Though from little I read before getting bored, it seems that Manfred ‘Psycho Perfectionist’ von Karma prosecuted Dahlia’s trial and used a tape that you sent to the police to give to her in order to prove her guilty. So because he had to suffer watching that tape, he only thought that it was right to make the defense attorney that allowed for its creation to also suffer by sending Sis a copy...” A mischievous grin spread across Maya’s face as she looked down at the tape. “So now I really wanna watch it!”

“Maya, please, I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Phoenix pleaded to no avail as Maya bent down to remove the Steel Samurai Season 1 Limited-Edition video that was in the VCR and replaced it with the tape she just found. “You saw how Old Man von Crazy was when we went up against him. For all we know, that tape was what really pushed him over the edge.” Though considering what’s on that tape, it wouldn’t surprise me if that was at least partially true.

“Nonsense, Wright.” Kristoph calmly chimed in. “If you made it, it shouldn’t be too bad.”

Maya proceeded to turn on the television, greeting the group to the sight of Phoenix wearing his pink Feenie sweater in his dorm room struggling to adjust the camera before picking up a guitar.

“Hey there, Dollie!” The younger Phoenix chirped, his cheeks reddening. “I know that the trial today didn’t end well for you, but don’t worry. I’m certain that this is all just one big misunderstanding because a kind, beautiful girl like you couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone kill someone! So until they come to that same conclusion and feel horrible about locking you away like some kind of animal during your trial, I wrote you a song to remind you that your main squeeze, Dreamy Feenie, is always with you. So anyways…”

Young Phoenix proceeded to strum an off chord before proceeding to demonstrate his lack of skill with the guitar full-force by rapidly strumming up and down with the pick with absolutely no grace while singing the lyrics to the song completely off-key.


{Feenie}

Hey there, Dahlia, you are looking oh so pretty,

Even that death glare you gave me after your arrest was heavenly,

You’re my star.

For you, no distance is too far,

I’d even get a car.


Hey there, Dahlia, you’re my queen and you’re my angel,

You must be a siren, ‘cause your sweet voice is like a magic spell,

You’re so fun.

You’re sweeter than the sweetest sweet bun,

Not to mention…


Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls do not poop!


Hey there, Dahlia, my love for you is boundless,

Your beauty, kindness, and laugh make me feel blessed as I lose all my stress,

You’re the best girl.

You’re prettier than any pearl,

My lovely girl.


Hey there, Dahlia, they may think you’re a felon,

After that mean Mia Fey saw your beauty and felt so jealous,

But it’s not true.

That nasty skank had nothing on you,

Here’s how I knew…


Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!


They think that they can keep us apart,

But you’ll always be in my heart,

Because no one can destroy true love like ours.


If a friend dares to insult you,

Our friendship would be through,

Because they’re haters who can’t stand true love like ours.


Dahlia, I solemnly swear,

Everyone will be aware,

That you are as innocent as they come,

So don’t be glum.


Hey there, Dahlia, once this mess is all behind us,

We’ll work towards our dream jobs and upon graduation marriage will be discussed,

Because I can’t live without you,

I’ll do whatever you want me to.


Hey there, Dahlia, you’re so great,

Not to mention…


Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls like you do not poop!

Nice girls do not poop!


Oooooooooooooooh!

Oooooooooooooooh!

Oooooooooooooooh!


“I can’t believe that I let that mouth say my burger orders or those hands grab any of the 20 trays!” Maya shuddered, her eyes saucer-sized eyes as she rubbed her hands on her goosebump-covered arms.

“Well, I for one can’t believe that the State of California didn’t create laws banning you from singing or being within ten feet of a guitar.” Kristoph chimed in as he pushed up his glasses to hide the look of absolute disgust on his face. “Seriously, Wright, I never thought that I’d be saying this, but I’d rather hear you massacre the piano.”

“Oh c’mon, guys. It wasn’t… that bad…” Phoenix awkwardly mumbled, his gaze directed slightly towards the ground as he scratched the back of his neck.

“No, Wright, you struggling to play nothing but Chopsticks on your first day working at the Borscht Bowl wasn’t that bad.” Kristoph stared with crossed arms. “That ‘song’- if it even qualifies as such- was so awful and embarrassing that it’s downright sad. As if it wasn’t bad enough that you were strumming haphazardly on an untuned guitar, you dedicated not one, not two, but three entire verses to proclaiming that you’re ex-girlfriend didn’t poop. Of all the topics you could have possibly chosen to sing about, what possessed you to pick that one? Did you feel that it wasn’t bad enough that you saying ‘My perfect little Dollie doesn’t poop!’ is forever part of the transcript for your trial?”

“Hey, cut me some slack, Kristoph!” Phoenix objected. “Everyone does at least one stupid thing in college.”

“Speak for yourself, Wright.” Kristoph smirked.

“So you’re saying that you didn’t do anything regrettable during our days back at Ivy U?” Phoenix asked with a smirk of his own.

“Correct, Wright, because unlike you, I was actually thinking.” Kristoph wryly replied.

“In that case, what were you thinking when you decided to get that perm?” Phoenix retorted, taking satisfaction at wiping the smug grin off his ‘friend’s’ face.

“You had a PERM!?” Maya guffawed, so overcome with laughter that she almost fell back.

“Yes, Maya, I had a perm during my senior year at Ivy University.” Kristoph irritably answered as he glowered at the spirit medium. “Though for your information, that perm was considered quite fashionable at the exclusive country club that I and the rest of my family are members of. Therefore, it’s hardly my fault that you, Wright, and the countless mouth-breathing troglodytes that made up the student body at that joke of a college can’t appreciate style when you see it.”

“Oh, we appreciated your style, Kristoph…” Phoenix chuckled. “You don’t know how many cram sessions were made bearable thanks to all the jokes that I and everyone else in our classes made about your perm and velvet suit, Liberace.”

“You know what, Wright. I don’t have to take this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go call my brother and apologize for all of the times that I told him that his guitar skills were mediocre at best and to congratulate him once again for his performance in court last week.” Kristoph snidely remarked as he briskly strode to the office’s entrance and left, making sure to slam the door behind him.”

“Suit yourself.” Phoenix shrugged before directing his attention back to the closet. “Alright, Maya, from the look of it, all of the heavy stuff’s out of the closet. So besides having Gumshoe drive the boxes of toilet cleaner over to my apartment, all that’s left is for you to get your box of Steel Samurai memorabilia out of the closet and take it back to your place in Kurain.”

“Will do, Nick!” Maya chirped with a nod. “But I feel those 12 burgers from lunch catching up to me. So before I do that, I’m gonna pay a visit to the little girl’s room and teach you a lesson about nice girls that you won’t soon forget.” The spirit medium teased as she made her way to the restroom and closed the door behind her.

“And Kristoph wonders why I have so much toilet cleaner…” Phoenix sighed, taking out a bottle of toilet cleaner from one of the boxes as he dreaded what horrors he was going to have to face in the near future.

Chapter 108: Pushing Boundaries

Summary:

JP: This former stand-alone song-fic now has an accompanying story with it that may look familiar to those of you who've read my collab of drabbles with Forgreatcoffee, "Heartwarming Java Shots." Enjoy some Herr Forehead and my homage to the ultimate crack ship hereby known as "Justley!"

CT: I swear, when I first read this parody back in 2018, I couldn't help but laugh like a madman at the idea of Apollo finally reaching his limit, snapping, and deciding to give Klavier a taste of his Chords of Steel. Though with this new story portion that my wonderful cowriter wrote up, this parody has been made even better since it perfectly showcases the hell that is Apollo's life. Though it could always be worse: Edgeworth could attempt to throw his hat in the theatre ring following the success of Maya's show by writing and his own play, "Investigations and the Samurai's Path", and casting Apollo as the Iron Infant. And considering Edgeworth's high standards and his von Karma upbringing, chances are he'd make Maya look like a saint as far as directing goes.
As for Justley, Apollo wishes that he was even close Charley's league. Well, at least Apollo can take solace in the fact that he has a sunflower who's into him.

Chapter Text

"Pushing Boundaries"
sung to the tune of
"All-Star"
from
 Shrek


Nobody seemed to believe Apollo when he lamented that his life sometimes truly sucked.

It always appeared that maintaining his pride and rising above the ranks of office butt monkey just wasn't in the cards for him, even though he was no longer the most novice legal greenhorn at the Wright Anything Agency since the arrival of Athena Cykes.

On paper, it seemed as though all was just ducky for Mr. Chords of Steel. He was working for a renowned law firm with his lifelong idol, and a cheeky but lovable magician whom he adored like a sibling. Also, he was pretty much best friends with the stunning redheaded yellow attorney, whose constant coquettish antics, (such as asking to see the tattoo on his derrière!) left him crimson-faced and tongue-tied, for reasons he presently decided would be best not to contemplate, because mixing business with pleasure was probably NOT a wise idea.

But right now he had more pressing problems. Such as the fact that Athena had recently gotten him to finally profess he was a complete pushover for Trucy and couldn't say no to her request for anything at all. This included any time the teen needed a magician's assistant, no matter how harrowing or death-defying the stunt was!

Naturally, word of his invertebrate status had gotten back to Phoenix and hence, Maya, the boss's not so undercover girlfriend (why couldn't those two shamelessly flirtatious lovebirds just admit they were an item already? They were fooling no one!) that the Clarion of Revelations was a World-Class Marshmallow when it came to the ladies.

So of course, the plucky village leader had to find to capitalize on this somehow!

"Nick!" The Master of Kurain turned Local Community Theater Director was squealing at her not-so-secret lover while looping an arm around the unsuspecting red attorney's shoulder. "This guy is perfect, I'm telling you! He even understands ladders!"

Apollo attempted to maneuver away from the surprisingly strong arms snaked around his neck of the petite spirit medium and failed miserably.

"You mean 'stepladders'?" He muttered under his breath, for no reason at all as it turned out Maya was barely listening as she continued to chatter excitedly to the blue attorney, who was up to his eyeballs in paperwork on his desk.

"We'll talk about that later, Polly," she dismissed.

Maya blissfully ignored the scowl Apollo gave her for addressing him by the degrading nickname he had finally acquiesced to only let TRUCY call him and continued to prattle to Phoenix.

"Right now, I want to take him with me to The Penrose Theatre. I have all the parts cast except the lead in my stage play: DUELING SPIRIT DESTINIES: TRIUMPH OVER TRIALS &TRIBULATIONS IN QUEST OF JUSTICE FOR ALL! Your protégé, Nick, shall be the perfect final addition as my Pink Princess! I can just feel it!"

Apollo felt his horns drooping. The Pink Princess?! Wasn't bad enough that his employer saw him as his own personal Josephine the Plumber since he was permanently on toilet bowl duty despite no longer being the latest member of the agency?! Now he was about to be further emasculated by playing a GIRL?! What if he had to KISS a guy while in drag?! What would Athena think?! And Trucy would never let him live this down in a million years!

This really bit the big one!

The gamin let out a long-suffering sigh. Mia's revered Slender Palm Lily, which had once a gift from her boyfriend, Diego Armando, would have been as long-dead as its original owner by now, were it not for him, as the spiky fringed lawyer was the only one who took care of it!

Still, he didn't really mind tending for the cherished plant of Phoenix's beloved late mentor. The Cordyline stricta was quite lush and beautiful, seeming to thrive under his TLC, and was certainly preferable to working his biceps into a frenzy scrubbing the toilet!

He continued eyeing his boss with pleading eyes, trying desperately to telepathically convey his blatant reluctance to the older man about his willingness to partake in Maya's latest whim.

Luck appeared to be on Apollo's side for once, as Phoenix appeared to be unyielding on the subject.

"No dice, Maya." The spiky-haired man crossed his arms and shook his head. "I'm afraid you're going to have to find another leading lady for your production."

Maya's chin began to wobble dramatically as she let out a heart-wrenching whimper that would've rivaled that of a stray tramp begging for table scraps.

"Sorry Maya," Phoenix replied firmly, averting his gaze away from his girlfriend's puppy dog eyes. "But I need Apollo here. After all, SOMEONE has to clean the toilet, sort all the documents, water Charley..."

Her boyfriend attempted to ignore the liquid pools imploring at him and swiveled his eyes towards his agonized employee.

"Um, Apollo, why are you making that face?" The legal legend asked blankly, misreading the reason for Apollo's pained expression. "Do you need to go to the bathroom or something?"

"Niiiiiiick!" Maya wailed plaintively. "You big meanie! If you don't let Apollo be in my play, it will be a complete flop! Will Powers is already playing the Steel Samurai, so I can't ask HIM! The tickets are already sold out!"

Phoenix groaned and closed his eyes.

"I'll be ruined without my main star!" Maya cried, her eyes welling up as if on cue. "My name will be mud! I'll be blacklisted! Snubbed forever by the theater community!"

"Maya, please…"

"It's either Apollo or you!" Her lower lip began to protrude into an adorable pout. "Your choice, old man!"

Phoenix emitted a barely audible sigh of resignation. He'd never been able to say no to Maya, and he never would.

"Fine. You can have him." He shrugged at the look of horror on his employee's face at this betrayal of brotherhood. "Just try not to break him!"

"Alright, it's a deal!" Maya beamed, her tears vanishing as suddenly as they arrived. "A star is born!"

"Wait…WHAT?!" Apollo shouted helplessly as she began dragging his protesting form out the door. "NO! HOLD IT! I OBJECT!"

"No…you human," Phoenix smirked, giving the boy a mock salute. "See you in the stage lights, you feisty samurai heroine!"

"Let's go, Polly! Let's see if I can squeeze you into that pink metal bustier!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"The play should have been called FAREWELL MY DIGNITY!" Apollo grumbled sometime later. "Do you have any idea how badly that metal armor chafes my skin?! Somehow Klavier found out about this and instead of calling me Herr Forehead I'm now Fräulein Forehead!"

It was times like this that the horn-haired attorney found the best way to let out his frustrations (there was the odd moment when Chords of Steel just wouldn't suffice!) was to channel his (still unknownst to him) dual parental singing genes and spontaneously burst into song like a Disney Princess.

Or in this case, a Global Studios Princess…


Some foppy once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

He was looking kind of dumb with his finger and his thumb

Shaping "L" and shouting "Herr Forehead!"


Well the dads start dying and they won't stop dying

Hit my forehead on the bench now I'm in the court crying-!

No living life that's just for fun

Cuz I was named for the God of the Sun


Working so hard for NOT GUILTY

Part of Wright Anything Agency

Won't win unless I give it my all

Don't matter I wasn't born tall


Hey, now, here comes Justice, point my finger, get paid...

Hey, now, I'm an Ace Star, prosecution gets slayed...

Never gonna quit when I'm told

Only pushing boundaries will break the mold


World's a cold place and they say it gets colder

Can't act like I'm weak, I need to get bolder

Sometimes cruel fate begs to differ

Judging by my past scars and sutures

Confidence gets stretched pretty thin

But I'll never throw the towel and give in


Ensuring that justice gets served

Exposing truth, I'll never get bored


Hey, now, here comes Justice, point my finger, get paid...

Hey, now, I'm an Ace Star, prosecution gets slayed...

Never gonna quit when I'm told

Only pushing boundaries breaks the mold


Somebody once asked why the harder legal path?

I'd make more money as a DA

I said "NO WAY" to that concept

Don't want fame or cash for self

I'm here to make Dark Age of Law change...


Well the dads start dying and they won't stop dying

Hit my forehead on the bench now I'm in the court crying-!

No living life that's just for fun

Cuz I was named for the God of the Sun


Working so hard for NOT GUILTY

Part of Wright Anything Agency

Won't win unless I give it my all

Don't matter I wasn't born tall


Hey, now, here comes Justice, point my finger, get paid...

Hey, now, I'm an Ace Star, prosecution gets slayed...

Never gonna quit when I'm told

Only pushing boundaries breaks the mold

Never gonna quit when I'm told

Only pushing boundaries breaks the mold...


There was a sympathetic silence from his dialogue partner as he trailed off, and the red attorney reached out a loving hand tenderly stroked the potted plant's leaves, which seemed to be nodding in commiseration despite there being no breeze in the office.

"This is height discrimination, I tell you! I know Miss Maya purposely picked me to fill in the girl lead because I'm short enough to fit into the costume! I just know I'll be even more a laughingstock when all is said and done! I mean – Will Powers is my on-stage love interest!"

Charley rustled slightly again, this time brushing his leaves against the lawyer's burning cheeks as he recounted the shame of the dress rehearsal.

"You're the only one who listens and doesn't mock me, Charley," Apollo lamented. "Seriously, you're the best. My favorite member of this agency by far!"

The red attorney smiled ruefully as he crouched down and watered the soil of his confidant.

"I think the reason you grow so well in my care is all these long heart-to-heart talks we have. Plants thrive when you talk to them, right? It feels so natural for me because as far as I'm concerned, you're more anthropomorphic than vegetation! But that will be our little secret, OK?"

Feeling emotional, he wrapped his arms around the bottom of the terra-cotta container in a warm hug.

"I honestly believe that YOU are the only one who truly understands me. I love you, Charley the Plant."

Chapter 109: I Would Break Every Law For You

Summary:

JP: It's great to be back! Missed you guys! As some of my readers may have noticed, I've had to re-upload a bunch of my works to be compliant with the site's rules and regulations. And what better way for this Phoenix to rise again than with my first ever song-fic, "I Would Break Every Law For You" which now has an accompanying story with it that may look familiar to those of you who've read Part 1 of Phaya's courtship from the Turnabout Lawful Love Series, "Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman."

CT: And it's great to have you back, JP! I swear, I must be slower than Sebastian Debeste walking through a field of molasses since it didn't occur to me to write down my A/N for this until just now. Still, better late than never to say how the new story perfectly fits with the parody while capturing the classic JP Phaya magic that we all know and love. All that's missing is Maya marching up to Tiffany after the song, doing a victory dance, and bragging how Phoenix is her man and how the only buns of Phoenix's that she's allowed to touch are those of the five burgers that he orders for the Burger Queen.

Chapter Text

"I Would Break Every Law For You "
Sung to the tune of
"Grenade"
by Bruno Mars

There was nothing left to say. Obviously, Phoenix had more of a yen for pneumatic blonde waitresses rather than dark-haired spirit mediums – and he'd proven it that night in front of all their friends with his words that Maya was not, in any way, shape, or form, his girlfriend.

She'd figured the martini to the kisser had spoken her feelings to the blue attorney on that issue better than anything she could have said on the matter, and now, much like a BBQ steak, stick a fork in her, because Maya was done.

Raising her chin so nobody would see the tears stinging her eyes, the Burger Queen had just reached the exit doors of the bar when she felt someone clamp their hand down on her arm, stopping her from moving further. Naturally, she assumed it was Phoenix, who she simply wasn't ready to face just yet until she was able to better digest some of the events of the night in solitude, so she braced herself.

Taking a deep breath, she carefully assumed a neutral facial expression before turning around. But to her disappointment, rather than encountering a pair of beautiful sapphire blue eyes, she found herself looking into very determined slate-grey ones instead.

"Come with me, Maya Fey," Franziska said firmly, grabbing her hand in a surprisingly vice-like hold and tugging her back towards their table.

"Why? I've already said my goodbyes to everyone and told Nick I'd talk to him later!" Maya complained, struggling, to no avail, against the iron grip.

Franziska shot a disgusted look over her shoulder.

"Well, Phoenix obviously is not content to postpone unresolved issues, and he implored us not to let you leave. He also just proved that in this particular instance, he is a lesser fool than you, Maya Fey!"

"Hey!" Maya protested, stung by the words of the woman she'd thought to have befriended earlier that evening. "I'm the one who was completely humiliated tonight, remember? Why are you talking to me like I'm the jackass here?"

Franziska stopped towing then and spun around, her face a mask of disapproval.

"Because regardless of the mistakes he made tonight, Phoenix is obviously eager to try to right his wrongs. You told me you've dealt with kidnappers, ghosts, demons…yet you would be so cowardly to run away from the man you love just because you had a fight? That's not the way adults handle things, Maya Fey. A real woman would put on her brave face, deal with the conflict and be eager to resolve things!" Her voice softened as she saw the tears filling Maya's eyes. "Because making up can be so very sweet."

"I know you told me he loves me, Ms. Von Karma, and I want to believe that, I really do! But I can't – it just isn't real unless I hear it from Nick. I couldn't possibly put my heart on the line any more than I already have and have him reject me. I couldn't bear that." Maya sniffled. "Oh dammit, now I'm going to ruin the new touch-up job Ema did on me."

She dabbed at her eyes.

"OK, fine, I'll come back with you."

Franziska lightly put her hand on Maya's back, gently guiding, rather than pulling her, back to their table, just as they saw Phoenix sitting at the piano and speaking into the microphone.

Maya's eyes widened as she listened to the same man who just earlier that night had declared he shunned any sort of dramatic gestures publicly announce that he was about to put on a performance for her, the birthday girl. The most beautiful girl in the bar. She plopped down into her seat in a stunned daze, replaying the words she'd so longed to hear over and over again in her mind.

Phoenix raised his famous courtroom pointer finger up and directed it right at her. "Maya baby, this one's for you."

The first few bars of a strangely familiar song began, as did the murmurs at their table.

"I think he's playing Grenade by Bruno Mars!" Larry crowed excitedly. "Story of my life! I love this song!"

"I guess his playing isn't too bad if it's recognizable," Gumshoe agreed. "Although I'm not sure why he chose a song about a poor guy who would kill himself over some awful girl."

"I hope Wright's singing is better than his playing," Edgeworth noted laconically, wincing as they heard a sharp off keynote in the immediate opening part of the song.

"Phoenix is most definitely not a better piano player than the slick-blond boy," Franziska observed with her typical bluntness.

But then the spiky-haired lawyer began to sing. The sound of his surprisingly warm, soothing, on-key voice crooning to the melody of the famous song squelched any and all further criticisms.


Burgers Nick? Don't say no!

Say you'll please just give

Oh you eat and I pay

For as long as we shall live

Should have known you were trouble

From the first glance

At those puppy dog eyes

Just can't say no to…


The tune Phoenix was singing to was exactly the same as that of the talented pop star's, but the lyrics were all his own.

Unfortunately, they also infuriated the singer's ex-assistant, who had gone from being touched by having her beauty praised to all The Borscht Bowl tavern to being completely horrified by what she deemed to be words that were anything but complimentary! Hadn't Phoenix embarrassed her enough for one night? Was this his idea of some kind of sick joke? Well, the joke was on him if he thought she was going to be a spectacle to this public ridicule.

"I'm leaving!" Maya fumed, grabbing her purse. "I don't have to sit here and listen to him butcher one of my favorite artists while completely making fun of me! Oh yeah, Franziska, he really loves me, doesn't he? A song about my hamburger obsession? Puppy dog eyes? The romantic stuff of poets indeed!"

She rose from her seat, her eyes burning with barely suppressed tears of angry humiliation. She'd gotten no further than a step from the table when she suddenly felt it.

Crack!

Maya let out a yelp, more in surprise than pain, as she looked first at the red mark in her bare shoulder to the lethal look on the German prosecutor's face as she brandished her whip, steely gaze fixed on her.

"Sit yourself down this instant Maya Fey!" Franziska commanded, dropping her weapon down to her side but still clutching it menacingly in her hand.

Maya's eyes were round with shock as she wisely sank down back into her seat.

"I can't believe you actually whipped me! Are you insane?"

"I have tried being compassionate and understanding with you all night, but it's been nothing but an exercise in futility and a waste of my valuable breath!" Franziska informed her, with no hint of apology. "I have absolutely run out of ways to get through to you, Maya Fey. I had no choice but to resort to extreme measures – your consistent foolery left me no other option. If that mediocre pianist but surprisingly decent singer up there is going to break his moral code for you one last time and make a fool of himself in public, because of you, the very least you can do is sit there, shut your foolish mouth, and watch him!"


I granted all desires

All you had to do was ask

Knew I'd always gave in, yes you did

I've done it all along and I'd do it all again

But what you don't understand is...


Maya bowed her head at the degradation of being taken to task in such a manner. Even more shameful was the knowledge that the other woman was right. And so, she sat obediently, literally at the edge of her seat, and listened intently to Phoenix's lyrical voice.


I would break every law for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Send innocents to jail for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'd cross a burning bridge for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You know I watch Pink Princess for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'd endure financial strain

Buying you burgers in pouring rain

Yes, I would die for you, Maya

But would you do the same?

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh


Maya looked up with a start upon hearing this verse. She looked searchingly at both Franziska and Edgeworth now as she whispered, "It actually is true then? He really did almost send an innocent person to jail for me? He honestly did run across that burning bridge, for me? Not for Iris, but for me?"

"I was there, Maya, he really did," Larry told her. "I begged and pleaded with him not to, but he was hell-bent on saving you. His last words were 'I need to get to Maya!' Forget throwing his hand on a blade for you, that man loves you so much he literally nearly died for you."

"That crazy, stupid, wonderful fool!" Maya breathed, shaking her head in wonder.

"He was in the hospital after falling into that river, Miss Fey," Edgeworth confirmed. "I had to take over his defense attorney duties because his health was in such peril."

"Miles was in Europe at the time it happened," Franziska added loyally. "My fiancé chartered an overnight jet back to the States the minute he found out Phoenix was in the hospital."

"He didn't want you to know, Pal," Gumshoe said quietly. "I guess he didn't want to have you feel awkward or obligated towards him if you knew all he'd done for you…because he wasn't sure how you felt about him."

"He does now," Larry murmured uneasily, a faint blush on his cheeks. "While you girls were in the ladies' room, Edgy showed Phoenix that card."

"I am so sorry Miss Fey, if we overstepped our boundaries. I hope you aren't too angry at us for our intrusion in your affairs," Edgeworth looked sincerely apologetic. "As you know, you and Wright were an integral part of me and Franziska getting together, and we'd always hoped to return the favor someday, not that you two made it very easy! And he was being so damn bull-headed, denying that you had feelings for him, even though we all knew otherwise. For some reason, he seemed convinced you only saw him as an older brother figure. Or as an 'old man'. Short of forcing you to write a confession letter to him, which at the time you would have been most unwilling to do, I didn't know how else to convince him that his feelings weren't unrequited."

"Oh please, don't apologize, Mr. Edgeworth. Not you. Anyone but you." Maya fought back the tears of heartfelt affection and gratitude threatening to consume her as she smiled at the handsome prosecutor. "Not after all you've done for Nick and me. For what you keep trying to do for us. It must be so hard for you, trying to talk logical sense into two incredibly stubborn people who are both…"

"Complete and utter blathering fools?" Franziska inserted, her kind smile and playful tone entirely taking the sting out of the words. "Who completely  deserve each other?"

"If loving Phoenix Wright makes me a fool," Maya professed softly, her eyes misting over. "Then I never want to be a considered a genius."

Despite feeling lighthearted for the first time that night, there was a lump in her throat as she listened to the man she loved singing the next verse.


Your Steel Samurai TV show

Makes my brain go numb

But it brings you so much joy who cares if I think that it is dumb?

Woman/child, zany girl

That's just what you are

Always making me smile whether close nearby or far


"You know," Larry said thoughtfully. "He's no Michael Bolton, but this song actually is kind of romantic! I mean, he's personalized the lyrics specifically for you, Maya."

Maya didn't answer. Her heart was too full. Her eyes were clenched tightly closed as she listened to Phoenix's beautiful voice, hoping nobody would notice the tears of guilt, shame and self-loathing falling out of them.


I'd endure financial strain

Buying you burgers in pouring rain

Yes, I would die for you, Maya

But would you do the same?


Maya was all but sobbing now, uncaring if she ruined her new makeup.

A silly red dress. I've been acting like a spoiled, entitled brat just because he didn't compliment me on my stupid new dress. And why? Because that was how I was nonsensically gauging his love for me? How could I have been so damn stupid, so blind, not to have noticed he's been saying I love you, with his actionsfor the past four years ?!

In her mind's eye, Maya could now clearly see each and every way Phoenix had shown how much he loved her over the years. Every single burger, on a daily basis, even though at times he'd only had enough money for just her food, so he'd gone without. Every single children's Samurai show and movies he'd sat through and taken her to, without any real griping, even when he'd been exhausted from work, just because it made her happy. Fan conventions. Day trips, with her and Pearly, to amusement parks, zoos, shopping malls.

Always on his tab, which she'd always greedily taken. Always without genuine complaint. Not to mention all the times he had kept her out of prison, and then saved her life, the last attempt of which had nearly cost him his.


My body feels afire

Being near you it just fans the flames

You are my heart's true desire

Why is it you can't see it, Maya baby?


Maya's eyes were still closed against her unending tears. She was conscious of someone handing her some napkins to wipe them away, which she did silently, even as her heart kept screaming in response to the lyrics.

do  see it now, Nick, I do! I swear I do! I  swear  to you on my mother and sister's graves that I will doubt the morning sun will rise before I ever doubt your love again!


But darlin' I'd still break every law for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Send innocents to jail for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'd cross a burning bridge for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You know I watch Pink Princess for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'd endure financial strain

Buying you burgers in pouring rain

Yes, I would die for you, Maya

But would you do the same?


"Hey Pal, are you alright?" Gumshoe asked Maya, looking concerned. "Why are you sad? Phoenix loves you so much that he didn't care if the whole world knew it, which is why he sang this song to you. You should be happy!"

"Yeah Maya, please don't cry," Larry begged. "It's the thought that counts, right? The lyrics weren't that bad!"

"Silence, you fools!" Franziska ordered. "She's not crying because she's sad or she didn't like that foolish but touching song. Those are tears of joy she's shedding, not sorrow! I know it is hard for you men to comprehend the many reasons we can cry; we women can be a bit complex that way."


But would you do the same?

Would you do the same?

Oh, would you do the same

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh…


As the song ended, Maya finally looked up at her friends, her tear-stained face baring streaky eye makeup, a slightly runny nose, and the biggest ear-to-ear grin on the planet.

"You know what guys? She's absolutely right! I'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world!"

Chapter 110: Girl for Me

Notes:

CT: I would like to thank Simon DiStefan for giving us the opportunity to write another parody featuring Wocky being the loudmouth ball of irritation and cringe that we all know and love to hate. After I heard the lyrics to the original song, I knew that the parody would feature either Wocky or Phoenix during his Feenie "my Dollie doesn't poop" phase of life, but then I remembered that Wocky interrupted Alita's testimony during the second day of his trial in order to threaten to sue Apollo, his defense attorney and probably the only person who doesn't want to outright throttle him, on the grounds of abusing his Alita, and the choice was made pretty obvious.
Not to mention, Phoenix may have been delusional during his Feenie days, but unlike J.D., the worst he was capable of was pushing a guy into a pole- an act that he felt guilty for shortly after. However, based on how Wocky was ready to pick a fight with Apollo right after he was acquitted, I wouldn't be surprised if he was contemplating stealing another gun and paying the Anything Agency a little visit. But even if Wocky did try to have his day of retribution, chances are he'd run away screaming with a trail of piss in his wake upon trying to shoot Phoenix, only for the bullets to bounce right off the invincible ex-attorney... resulting in our favorite wannabe gangster running away crying with a trail of piss in his wake. That is, if Phoenix doesn't catch him first and teach him why you don't mess with Big Trash Daddy Phoenix.

JP: Hola everyone! BTW, Heathers: The Musical is a MUST-SEE! It’s even better than the cult classic movie, which is the embodiment of me and my fave funnyman’s twisted senses of humor! Hope you enjoy my talented partner’s homage to Wannabe Furry and Discount Store Dahlia!😆

Chapter Text

“Girl for Me”
Sung to the tune of
“Meant to be Yours”
from “Heathers: The Musical”


When Alita was told that she was being visited by a Mr. Kitaki, she figured that it was Winfred, the mob boss turned baker who probably had it out for her on account of how she used his loudmouthed son as a way to steal his family’s fortune, as well as tried to have the kid convicted of murder. After all, Wocky was a grating, brainless moron with no common sense and a chip on his shoulder that was bigger than anything in his head or pants. If the Vanilla Ice wannabe couldn’t call her out when it was being made obvious that she was using him purely for his father’s money in a public courtroom, then he wouldn’t take the time to come down to the detention center to rant and rave to her- something that Alita had no complaints with. Sure, the prospect of hearing that OG Loc knockoff rant and rave about how ‘gangsta’ he was and how he’d pop a cap in her ass was tempting, but after having been arrested thanks to that horn-headed imp rookie that she hired, the gold-digging ex-nurse was hardly in the mood to see her boisterous ex-fiancé.

As the guard guided her down the hall to the visitors’ room, Alita couldn’t help but grin as she pictured this large, burly guy with eyebrows so thick that you could hide Bigfoot in them giving her the clichéd mob speech about how when you mess with a member of his family, you mess with him, and when you mess with him, the only way you’re going back home is in a box. That, or if she somehow manages to get herself acquitted, Winfred himself would personally see to it that she’s fitted with designer concrete shoes before taking her down to Gourd Lake for a nice swim- as if threats like that would scare the ex-nurse when they’re coming from a guy who’s wearing a yellow apron with a happy, smiling cartoon fox right in the center.

However, Alita’s grin quickly morphed into a scowl when the guard directed her to enter the accused’s side of the visitor’s room, only to be greeted by the sight of not Winfred, but Wocky, who was trying- and failing- to act like some hardened rebel by lightly pushing his right foot against the table on his side of the glass in order to lean back in the folding metal chair he was sitting in, only for him to almost fall completely back with a slightly effeminate scream before saving himself by jerking his torso forward. Seeing this, Alita tried to immediately leave the room, only for the guard to block the doorway and, with a smug smile on his face, nudge her towards the metal folding chair that was set up for her.

So with an exasperated sigh and some internal cursing, Alita slowly took her seat.

“What do you want, Wocky?” Alita curtly asked as she glowered at her ex-fiancé. “You were proven innocent today in court while I was exposed as some scheming gold-digger who was arrested for her crimes- you won, I lost. Any revenge plans you have in store for me would be a step up from what I’m currently facing- at least 12 if you count this current conversation.”

“Alita, baby gurl, you got it all wrong.” Wocky confidently replied with crossed arms. “I ain’t here for revenge. I could never do anything bad to my fallen angel… No, I’m here ‘cause I was doing some thinkin’, when all of a sudden, I got hit with a revelation- like what happened with Moses or Gandhi or the guy who invented them dope-ass double stuf oreos.”

“And pray tell, Wocky, just what kind of insightful thoughts are stirring around in that glorious piece of Swiss cheese that you call a mind?” The ex-nurse snidely questioned, her hands placed to her cheeks as if to feign interest. But unfortunately for Alita, her insult went right over her ex-fiancé’s head.

“Anything for you, Alita-baby! Get ready, ‘cause I’m about to blow your mind, fo’ shizzle!” Wocky chirped as he started twirling his hair before bursting out into song.


{Wocky}

You tried to send me off to jail,

So I should kick your ass-

But!

But!

But!

Then it all made sense to me,

This is all that punk-ass lawyer’s fault!

Jealous of you and me,

He painted you as a banshee!

He put you here,

With a sneer,

But I can make things right!


In the defendant lobby alone,

I called my ma and yelled,

Why!?

Why!?

Why!?

Then I had a change in tone,

When I got an idea crazier than any dream!

That’s why I stole two guns,

To make that weak-ass hater run,

And end his joke of a job before it’s begun!


You are the girl for me.

I don’t care what they say.

I won’t give up on us.

My love is here to stay.

You are the girl for me.


So when I shoot up that agency,

And everyone inside-

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

On their corpses, all carefree,

I’ll leave a note stating why they were iced.


{Wocky (doing a bad impersonation of Apollo)}

We, the jerks of the Anything Agency,

Hate Wocky.

We can’t stand how cool he is and that he was happy,

You see.

We hate love and everything it stands for,

Fo’ sure.

We suck, the jerks of the Anything Agency.

Bustas flee!


{Wocky}

Those asshats are in for a crunch!

Pull out a cup,

I’m making punch!

They better be prepared ‘cause,

It’ll hurt a bunch!


You are the girl for me.

Our love is its own zone.

I can’t live life alone.

You can always atone.

I am the guy for yooou.

We were supposed to wed.

You are my one true looove.

There’s still much left unsaid.


“And here I thought that you couldn’t be any more embarrassing…” Alita groaned as she got up from her seat and started to walk towards the door leading out of the room, only to be stopped by the wannabe gangster slamming his fist on the glass.


{Wocky}

Alita, please don’t- please don’t leave me!

Alita, please don’t leave!

Alita, please don’t end what you’ve got with me!

Don’t end what you’ve got with me!

Alita, life’s unfair,

I’ve been there!

I will set you free!

Alita, don’t make me come in there!

I’m gonna count to three!

One!

Two!

Screw it!


Wocky proceed to spring to his feet before picking up the metal folding chair that he was previously sitting in and chucking it at the glass with all his might, only for it to bounce off the bullet-proof barrier, hit him square in the chest, and send him falling to the ground.

“Loser.” Alita sneered before walking away from the table and being escorted back to her cell by the guard, leaving her poor, pathetic ex-fiancé lying on his back as tears started flowing down his cheeks.


{Wocky}

Baby gurl… No! Alita…


Please don’t leave me alone.

You were my world’s one light.

I can’t live life alone.


After getting back on his feet and wiping away his tears, Wocky placed his hands on the table in front of him and leaned forward to see if his fallen angel was still there, only to find that the area on the other side of the glass was empty.


{Wocky}

I will have my reveeeeeenge!


After belting out that last word, Wocky proceeded to slam his fist on the table with a loud thud. Defeated, the Vanilla Ice wannabe proceeded to whimper, his postured hunched over as the part-time guard on his side of the room, Mike Meekins, proceeded to slowly walk over to him.


{Meekins}

Sir?

Excuse me, sir?

Sir?

SIIIIIIR!!!


“WHAT!?!” Wocky roared at the top of his lungs, his hands on his hips as he quickly turned around to give the awkward guard a death glare.

“Sir!” Meekins responded with a sharp salute. “I’m sorry to interrupt… whatever it is you’re doing, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave!”

“Why, so you can make jokes about me behind my back? You find this funny, coppa-man? You gettin’ some kinda sick pleasure outta seeing a guy get his heart ripped out of his chest and ground into dust by his fallen angel?!” Wocky snarled, trying his best to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes.

“Sir, I-“ Meekins tried to reason in a surprisingly calm tone, having experienced first-hand what it was like to see young love sour, when the girl that you adore doesn’t feel the same way about you, only to be interrupted by the Vanilla Ice wannabe.

“Save it, Porky! I know how you pigs are! Let’s see how funny you think this is when I put two holes in that punk-ass head of yours!” Wocky snapped as he pulled out the two guns he had stolen, making sure to hold them sideways so as to appear more badass as he aimed them at Meekins.

“GUNS!!!” Meekins shrieked at the top of his lungs, slamming his fist downward into his palm before leaping into action by tackling Wocky to the ground with impressive speed, resulting in the wannabe gangster losing his grip on his weapons as they slid across the room, before pinning his adversary to the ground and proceeding to unleash a barrage of sloppy, haphazard slaps on the troubled youth.

For Meekins, this was a momentous occasion- he actually managed to do his job properly and advert a crisis situation. However, while the awkward guard was able to disarm and subdue Wocky with no real issue, he forgot that he was actually supposed to restrain and detain the wannabe gangster for arrest as he proceeded to continue his slapping onslaught, complete with high-pitched screams until the guard monitoring the security cameras sent a team over to the visitor’s room… though not before spending a good ten minutes to enjoy the show.

Chapter 111: (You) Make Me Want To Scream!

Notes:

JP: This is for Aikoya. I know you made this request ages ago but I hope you like it! The bickering dynamic between Ema and Klavier is irresistible to me, and it was very heavily implied that his part in getting her beloved Mr. Wright disbarred considering how much he means to her and Lana is a very big factor with why she dislikes him so much. However, I’m thinking this little miniature story I created for the song will be shortly after the King of the Turnabout gets his badge back. I can only surmise Klavier would’ve had to go along with the whole jurist system and courtroom shenanigans that Phoenix cooked up trying to frame the prosecutor’s diabolical older brother, or at least been open to it. There’s no way he would’ve gone into that courtroom case against Apollo for that final battle of the AJ game completely blindsided! Now that the bluebird hath risen from the ashes again, Ema is all out of excuses to hate the fop… and Klavier knows it! He knows there’s something between them, and her defenses are getting weaker than a cup of decaf…

CT: Once again, JP has managed to make a parody that is way more enjoyable to me than the original song. Don’t get me wrong, I love and appreciate classic Disney as much as the next guy, but when I listen to the original song, I can’t help but feel like I’m getting a prostate exam from Placido Domingo. Though speaking of feelings, considering what Ema says about Klavier (not only in this parody but also in canon), I’m surprised that she hasn’t had to arrest hordes of his fangirls for trying to assault her. Though then again, if Ema’s anything like her sister when she’s miserable, I doubt that even the bravest of fangirls would have the guts to so much as even think badly about her, lest she grabs them by the collar of their shirt, gets right up in their face, and absorbs their soul by looking into their eyes Ghost Rider-style. Heck, maybe that element of fear is why Klavier has Ema lead security at his concerts.

Chapter Text

“(You) Make Me Want To Scream!”
sung to the tune of "Once Upon a Dream"
from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty

 

The verdict had been declared.  The jurors had unanimously found Vera Misham not guilty.

The more shocking was the discovery that at the same time Apollo Justice had successfully proved the young artist innocent of her father’s murder, Kristoph Gavin had at last been outed as the true culprit. It turned out the miscreant had not only been responsible for Drew Misham’s homicide but had also framed  Phoenix Wright for forgery all those years ago, consequently getting the acclaimed defense attorney disbarred 7 years ago.

Watching this tableau unfold from the gallery, Ema Skye breathed a huge sigh of relief at the news her dear old friend’s name had finally been cleared.

Despite the terrible picture that was painted of you by the media,  I never stopped believing in you, Mr. Wright.  I always knew you could never have done such a terrible thing.  There’s going to be a lot of reparations required from all those who doubted you and even more so for those who sullied your name in the first place - starting with that blasted glimmerous fop!

Tears of gratitude and other emotions she had long since been suppressing sprang to her eyes, which she hastily wiped away on her lab coat sleeve as she got up from her seat and headed towards the courthouse exit.

The sequence of events that had led up to that day's fateful verdict was still plaguing her mind by the time she got back to her office at the near-empty precinct.

I suppose since that bling-loving Europhile agreed to the utilization of today's experimental jurist system, which helped clear Mr. Wright’s name, this counts towards his inevitable atonement for his sins, the forensic enthusiast mused as she tapped at her chin.  suppose this means I should stop hating him somewhat.  At least, for that!  If I’m going to be completely honest with myself, the one thing I’m having an even harder time finding Prosecutor Gavin innocent of is the act of getting under my skin as much as he does!  And they are all for reasons which I will now ruefully acknowledge have very little to do with his part in getting my favorite defense attorney disbarred in the first place…

She briskly began filling out subsequent paperwork that would be required to wrap up this latest case. The combination of being so engrossed in the task at hand, as well as being so consumed by her thoughts meant that she was completely oblivious to the knock on her door.  Nor did she even notice the looming figure in her presence; not until her visitor was standing right before the desk, barely two feet away, and loudly cleared their throat.

“Good evening, Detective Skye.  Ever the busy bee I see, ja?”

The startled policewoman's pen clattered to the ground at the unanticipated sight of the infuriating blond who had been invading her headspace for the last few years.  Embarrassed that he'd witnessed her getting flustered for the umpteenth time, she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the former Gavinners lead singer.

“Is it not enough that your legions of female groupies jump out of their panties at the mere sight of you?”  She scowled. “Do you now have to get your kicks out of skulking around like a deer in the woods and making women jump out of their skin, too?”

An all-too-familiar smirk flickered across the tanned face that had always been too damn handsome for its own good.

“Apologies if I startled you, Fräulein Detective.”  An impish grin was the response to the customary teal eyes that were narrowed in his direction. “I assure you I was not perfecting my Bambi impersonation in the least.  I did knock before I entered – you were just too distracted to notice.”

“Well, what do you want?”  She asked grumpily. “Can’t you see that I’m über busy?  I was just in the middle of tying up all the loose ends from the Misham trial now that the disgraced Coolest Defense in the West’s latest criminal charges have been brought to light.”

If her boss was at all fazed by her scathing reference to his older brother in such a flippant manner, he certainly wasn’t showing it.

“This rigmarole involving Herr Wright and Misham’s murder was actually why I wanted to talk to you.”  Klavier cleared his throat, suddenly looking much less cocksure than usual as he thrust his hands into the pockets of his leather pants. “Now that the truth has finally been shed on everything that’s happened in the last 7 years, I was hoping the end result would be finally getting some peace of mind, not just for myself, but between us, as well.”

Ema stood up – remaining seated while he was standing only forced her to look at the exposed golden pectorals which were barely covered by that ridiculously gaudy G pendant that dangled from his neck and the sight was unnerving her more than usual – and raised an eyebrow.

“Us?”

“Your antipathy towards me all this time has not gone unnoticed, not that you have done much to hide it.”  His typical flirty voice suddenly sounded uncharacteristically serious. “It has been brought to my attention by a certain Herr Forehead that you have held me largely responsible for the unjust disbarring of your old friend Phoenix Wright from that fateful trial all those years ago…”

Stupid Frogmouth Apollo!  Ema seethed inwardly at this breach of confidentiality on her so-called friend’s part.  Apparently, that loud cakehole of his isn’t just limited to when he’s doing Chords of Steel exercises!  Note to self – pelt that fivehead of his with a whole bag of Snackoos at point-blank range the next time I see him!

Unaware of the inward fuming of his dialogue partner, the prosecutor continued.

“…And in the meantime, as I do everything in my power to help right the wrongs that have been done to the Turnabout King, I also wanted to make things right with you.  Now that that the good man’s name has been cleared, I dared hope that perhaps you and I could have a better relationship.”

“Relationship?”  The detective knew she was starting to sound like a parrot, but she couldn’t help it – she wasn’t used to Klavier Gavin ever being this forthright and sincere.  Usually, he treated her with a combination of coy amusement and over-friendliness despite her less than warm reciprocations.  “What relationship?”

“A more amicable work relationship, as it were.”  The blond man brushed a stray lock of hair off his face and offered an embarrassed smile. “I should have been clearer – do forgive my slip of the tongue.”

“Well as slippery as your tongue is, I’m afraid I don’t have time for this sort of discussion,” she replied brusquely, grabbing her bag and making a move towards the door. “It’s been a very long day and I’m exhausted.  But I will say this much – I imagine you have a lot on your plate as well given the events of today both personally and professionally, so I don’t want you to worry that man pretty head of yours giving anything regarding us another thought.    Pretty soon that will not be necessary.”

Just as she was about to leave Klavier blocked her path, his muscled six-foot frame filling the whole doorway, brows knitted in consternation as he peered down at her.

“What do you mean it won’t be necessary?”

“I mean in the very near future I’ll barely be a blip on your radar and will merely be somebody that you used to know, and you and I will be barely more than strangers to one another.”

Blue eyes widened in surprised dismay at this announcement.  Clearly, this was the closest the womanizing lawyer had ever gotten to being dumped by a female before in his entire life.

“Is that what you really want, Fräulein Detective?”

“Why are you so acting so stunned?  You and I obviously don’t get along, and I don’t think we ever will,” she replied bluntly, trying to inject as much dismissiveness in her tone as possible so he wouldn’t pick up on how unnerved she was being in such proximity to him. It was starting to make her feel curiously lightheaded. “We both have entirely different work ethics.  I like to preserve a crime scene for example, while you are content to blithely let your squealing fangirls trample all over the place as they rush you with demands for your autograph!”

“What’s this now?”  The bewilderment in his tone was evident. “You wish for us to become strangers to one another because you’re jealous of my female fans?”

“I wish my bank account was the size of your ego!”  Ema puffed out her cheeks in exasperation, unaware of how adorable it made her look. “You truly hear whatever you want to hear, don’t you?  It drives me crazy, and so do you!”

“I’ve been told I have that effect on women,” Klavier drawled, effortlessly slipping back into Casanova mode. “Is it truly such an unpleasant sensation for you?”

“For the record, don’t flatter yourself, fop!” Ema glared at him. “It looks like I’m just going to shoot straight from the hip here, Prosecutor Gavin.  So here it is in plain English: tonight, along with the required paperwork for your brother, I was also putting the wheels into motion to be transferred to work for another prosecutor.”

Said fop’s charming smile vanished, replaced by an expression of utter dejection, like a little boy who had just been told he would not be getting a puppy for his birthday.

“There’s no need to look so wounded!” Ema shrugged with deliberate insouciance as she tried to squeeze past him and failed.  Resigned to being trapped between his shoulder and the doorframe until this matter was resolved, she leaned back against it and eyed him coolly. “These things do happen.  I realize this might be a shock to you, Don Juan, but not everybody in life is going to love you! Sometimes, people just don’t click.  You and I – we’re like oil and water.  We just don’t mix.”

Klavier still hadn’t moved out of her way, and at this point, she was beyond appearing unaffected by his propinquity and raised her hand to put some physical distance between them.

“Could you please get out of my way already, Prosecutor Gavin?  You are very awkwardly reminding me of my blatant opposition to stranger danger!”

The prosecutor finally found his voice.

“Stranger? But Fräulein, we work together!”

“Not for much longer once I put in that request!”

The ex-rocker bent over so his earnest gaze was right at face level with hers.

“I can understand you despising me all this time for my part in what happened to your friend, but now that those cards are no longer on the table, what exactly is your aversion to me?” He demanded. “I know how much you love science and I have never objected to the conducting of your little experiments with luminol and whatever else you wish to fill that void the detective role is not filling.  I have never written you up for insubordination for the scathing disdain with which you readily address me despite being your superior.  Is it honestly that horrible for you to be under me?”

The innocuous phrase from his lips, much like the word relationship, created strange stirrings within her – ones the feisty brunette wasn’t quite ready to confront.  Not now – or perhaps ever!

Under him… Holy criminalities! How does this silver-tongued rake always make my mind segue to NSFW areas?!”

Giving her head a firm shake and giving up on the notion of slipping past him, Ema took a step backward into her office, with Klavier doing the same, and treated him to her most scornful look.

“You may think that you can charm the pants off everybody you come across, Prosecutor Gavin, but for me, that simply isn’t the case. As a matter of fact, let me spell it out for you, in no uncertain terms…”


[Ema]

I hate you!
Just know that you make me want to scream!
I hate you!
The preen of your hair, your clothes, your swagger it all just turns me green!
It’s not for me although you’re many a fan girl’s dream!
Yes I hate you
Alas it is true
So don’t you play dunce
The sins that you’ve done
Can’t be redeemed!


[Ema]

Yes, I hate you
Alas it is true
So don’t you play dunce…


 

 

 

 

 

With these parting words, she turned to leave again, but unexpectedly Klavier grabbed her shoulder. Ema gasped as he spun her around to face him, now inches away from those smoldering azure orbs.

Her lips parted in shock.

“Oh!”

The ladies’ man flashed his most winsome megawatt beam.


[Klavier]

Oh Baby, Achtung!
I’ll be the winning team!


 

 

 

 

 

Ema was somehow trapped back in the doorway with him again, and there was no escaping the aroma of delectable cologne that was now flooding her senses.  Just like the rest of him, the rich, spicy scent was unapologetically raw, virile, and oh-so male.

It was all suddenly making her feel inexplicably dizzy.

He smiled smugly.

“I see my boldness shocks you, Fräuline Detective.”

No, more that’d be more due to your throaty baritone, laden with dirty promises that would undoubtedly deliver… should I ever waver and succumb to those rippling muscles and azure eyes that make me feel like I’m drowning in a sea of sensuality…

Ema blushed furiously.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that you’re invading my personal space, and this is such unprofessional behavior…”

He stepped even closer to her so that his thighs now had her practically pinned against the door frame. The worst part was that her traitorous body was not screaming any sort of objection!

“Perhaps among actual strangers, such would be the case,” he murmured huskily. “But we are much more than that, aren’t we?”

She gulped nervously.

“Regardless of that, we’re hardly friends!  If anything, we are working strangers, at best…”

“Objection!”  His knowing grin only widened. “If, as you claim, that you hate me so passionately, you must know me, at least somewhat! Therefore, I cannot be a mere stranger.  Ergo, this is a blatant contradiction, ja?

She ran her tongue over suddenly very dry lips.

“Well, um, yes, I suppose there is some veracity to your claim…”

“Detective Skye,” he continued silkily. “I daresay you know me far too well! Perhaps more than you care to admit, hmmm?”

With surprisingly gentle fingers, he cupped her chin in his hand and leaned down again so that they were at eye level, widened turquoise eyes locked against intense cobalt ones.


[Klavier]

Shades of blue
Within those twin jewels of flashing green
Yes, it’s true
So much more between us than there seems!
I can’t hate you since you are the woman of my dreams
I’ve sinned it’s true
I’ll atone to you


She could feel the heat of his hands on her shoulders even through her lab coat, and his breath was warm on her skin as he lowered his face, his mouth hovering mere inches from hers.  The nerdy science beauty’s defenses collapsed in that instant, eyes closing as she felt her lips, as if on their own accord, puckering up in response.


[Klavier]
When all’s said and done…


The prosecutor abruptly released her then, making the nerdy science beauty beyond grateful for the sturdy support of the wooden doorframe behind her, as her legs seem to have suddenly morphed into cooked spaghetti and she no longer trusted them to support her.

Fully aware of how her bosom was now heaving with unsteady breaths, along with the unmitigated sensual effect he’d just exuded over her, the Adonis flashed a lascivious wink over his shoulder then, leaving the slightly dazed and confused lady cop panting after him while his final tantalizing lyrics seared in her ears long after he’d left.


[Klavier]
My bed is the only place you’ll scream!

 

Chapter 112: I'll Be Your Boss

Notes:

CT: Y’know, now that I think about it, I find it a bit odd that there isn’t really a Redd x April ship. I know that they’re both a bit on the forgettable side despite both of them murdering Mia (Redd directly and April indirectly) and they aren’t ever in the same room together in canon, but from what little can be pieced together, the two of them seem to have had a bit of a workplace romance going on. I mean, if Redd and April were only renting that room at the Gatewater for the purpose of establishing the latter as a witness, why would he check in with her?

JP: The twisted thing is I can easily picture these twisted fiends dancing to this song, White in full jerkin' it like he's twerking it mode while April slithers and wraps herself around him like a tire to the tune of this sultry jazzy tune.

Chapter Text

“I’ll be Your Boss”
Sung to the tune of “You’re the Boss”
by Brian Setzer


Bluecorp was a company that most people, even the most hardened of criminals, knew not to get on the bad side of, and those who didn’t quickly learned that lesson the hard way after their darkest secrets were leaked to the press for the entire world to know. This is how Redd White, Bluecorp’s founder and president, a man who looked like a cheesy, over-the-top villain from a Saturday morning cartoon, was able to secure his position as one of the most powerful and influential men in the nation. Granted, there were a number of people who not even the ‘splendiferous’ Redd White could blackmail, but he didn’t have to worry about those few individuals toppling his empire because most of them benefitted from the services that his company was more than happy to offer. After all, no one can deny the sheer utility of having any rivals quickly silenced by utterly destroying their reputation.

However, despite garnering much fear from the nation as a whole, there was one woman who was not only unfazed by Redd’s business practices, but was more than happy to engage in them herself: April May, a secretary that had been working under Earnest Amano, CEO of the Amano Group, for the last year who was also working as Redd’s mole on the side.

It all started one evening a few days after April started working for the Amano Group. She was just sitting at home watching reality television while catching up on articles from her favorite tabloid papers when suddenly, she heard a knock at her apartment door. Upon opening the door to see who it was, she was greeted by two of Redd’s cronies who were sent on behalf of the purple-haired CEO to make a deal with her: she would use her connections as Earnest’s secretary to acquire any incriminating documents pertaining to some shady dealings between the Amano Group and the Kingdom of Allebahst that Redd had heard about through the grapevine, and in exchange, Bluecorp would pay her a handsome sum of money in return. Of course, being the greedy, amoral girl that she was, April was more than happy to accept those terms, and because of years of using her body and her cute, innocent facade to get what she wanted, she was more than capable of fulfilling her end of the bargain in record time.

Impressed by April’s skills, Redd kept the arraignment going for the next year by having her send any incriminating secrets regarding the Amano Group and any other corporations affiliated with them his way while making sure to send her a good deal of spending money to her secret P.O. box.

So on July 27, 2015, April didn’t feel the least bit fazed as she walked the halls of the topmost floor of Bluecorp to Redd’s office, where, upon arriving, she knocked on the closed door to signal her presence.

“Entrificate.” Redd called out from behind the door, prompting April to enter the room, close the door behind her, and stand before the CEO as he sat behind his desk with his usual smug grin.

“You wanted to see me, Mr. White?” April sweetly asked, her arms pressed against her sides and slightly raised in an attempt to give off an innocent kitten vibe.

“I’m going to be brunk with you and cut straight to the chase, Ms. May. You have talent- not as much as me, of course, but it’s there and it would be a real shamedy to see it being squanderfied. That’s why I’m offering you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to become my secretary. So what do you say, Ms. May? Will you ditch Earnie and work for me full-time?” Redd asked with outstretched arms.

“Oooh…! That’s a great offer, Mr. White! But why should I settle for only one hunky rich guy paying me when I can have a hunky rich guy and some gross, old, fat rich guy?” April asked, tilting her head slightly upwards and putting a finger to her chin out of contemplation.

“Well…” Red smirked, reaching into his suit pocket and pulling out a small remote which, with a single press of a button, caused some jazzy music to start playing from some hidden speakers in the room’s ceiling as he got up from his seat and leaned forward in a seductive manner.


{Redd}

If it’s nice things that you want,

I’ve got plenty of cash to flaunt.


I’m the king of prospulence.


{April}

Well, my boss is also rich,

So then why should I make the switch?


Don’t leave me in suspense.


Redd slowly sauntered over to April in a fashion that emphasized his broad frame and exuded confidence and assertiveness as he wrapped his arm around her dainty shoulders.


{Redd}

True,

But can you say you’re satisfied when the workday’s done?


Can you…?


{April}

With zest, my boss has got none,

Only talks about his son.

That’s no fun!


I’m a girl who craves action and drama every day,

Yet he doesn’t fill that need.


{Redd}

I’m a man who makes action and drama every day,

So I can doplish the deed.


{April}

I’ve heard about your ways,

How you control people with just a phrase,

Like you’re their boss.


{Redd}

In terms of zest, I’ve got a ton,

I burn pests just like the sun.

It’s fumusing!


Redd and April embraced, pausing to gaze into each other’s eyes for a brief second before continuing with the song.


{Both}

You’re the person who I need!


{April}

You’re a shark!


{Redd}

You’re a snake!


{April}

You’re a steak!


{Redd}

You’re a tart!


{Both}

You’re the person who I need!


{April}

I’ll be your best girl!


{Redd}

I’ll be the best boss!


When it comes to gathlecting someone’s dirty secrets,

You are the queen.


{April}

And when it comes to making the most out of those secrets,

You are so keen.


{Redd}

Ms. May, you’re a genius when it comes to social manipulation.


{April}

In terms of zest, you’ve got a ton,

You burn pests just like the sun.

It’s so fun!


{Redd}

I’ll be your boss.


{April}

You’ll be my boss.


{Both}

Redd’s the boss!


Redd and April proceeded to do a casual swing dance- nothing to extreme, just the two of them stepping from side to side in each other’s arms with the occasional spin, culminating in the information mogul dipping the pink-haired woman back.


{Redd}

Ms. May, you’re a genius when it comes to social manipulation.


{April}

In terms of zest, you’ve got a ton,

You burn pests just like the sun.

It’s so fun!


{Redd}

If it’s nice things that you want,

I’ve got plenty of cash to flaunt.


I’m the king of prospulence.


{April}

You’re more to me than money,

You’re as cunning as you’re funny.


So I’ll give this job a chance.


{Redd}

But can you say you’ll be satisfied when the workday’s done?


{April}

In terms of zest, you’ve got a ton,

You burn pests just like the sun.

It’s so fun!


{Redd}

I’ll be your boss!


{April}

You’ll be my boss!


{Redd}

I’ll be your boss…


And I’ll succell at it.


{April}

You know how much I love large… vocabularies…


{Redd}

Well, I have counumerous phrasings to sparulement.


{April}

So why don’t you give me a quick lesson…?

Maybe over... a little dinner?


“That would be splendiferous, Ms. May. I’ll make a reservation at the five-star resteaterlishment that’s just down the block for ten minutes from now.” Redd smirked. “Sure, the owner will be a little irrigravated that I’m making it on such short notice, but he won’t refuse me unless he wants the press to know about his little… ‘breakdown’ from his time in cooking school when he was interning as one of Manfred von Karma’s personal chefs.


{April}

See you in ten...


April purred her statement with a sultry grin, playfully tapping her new boss on the tip of his nose before leaving his embrace and sauntering out of the office, making sure to sway her hips back and force in a seductive matter.


{Redd}

I’ll enjoy being her boss.

Chapter 113: Kristoph's Song

Notes:

CT: Considering how self-absorbed Kristoph is and how often he’s compared to the Devil, I don’t know anyone more fitting to sing a parody of a self-aggrandizing song sung by the Devil from “Cuphead”. Though considering how Kristoph can barely manage a single seven-year-long revenge scheme that ultimately ends in failure, if he took over Hell, he’d have a mental breakdown in less than a week. Though Blaise Debeste on the other hand…

JP: The Cuphead game was a bit too complex for me and my out-of-practice rookie gamer thumbs, but I've fallen in love with the show and its gorgeous animation style. Also, Kristoph is the Exhibit A poster child of what happens when you're given WAAAAY too many hugs as a child. As my formidable writing partner has superbly demonstrated... Bitchtoff loves himself the way a frat kid loves Drake...

Chapter Text

“Kristoph’s Song”
Sung to the tune of
“The Devil’s Song”
from “The Cuphead Show”


It was a standard night at the Borscht Bowl- the dining area was so cold that it made Antarctica look like a tropical paradise, the bar was packed with customers desperately trying to warm themselves with cheap drinks as they enjoyed their borscht, and everyone else present was pressing their hands against their ears, praying for the sweet release of death as Phoenix subjected them to a horribly botched round of Chopsticks from the piano. Though out of all of the customers who weren’t able to numb the pain caused by the ex-attorney’s absolute lack of musical talent, none were suffering as much as Kristoph Gavin, who had the misfortune of being right next to the piano of punishment.

If you were to ask anyone who knew him, they’d say that Kristoph Gavin was the epitome of levelheadedness- very rarely losing his cool, always being quick to adapt when a sudden change arose in one of his cases, and never appearing to give a second thought to the countless… colorful personalities that he encountered over the course of his career. However, at that current moment, the Coolest Defense in the West was doing everything in his power to keep himself from leaping up out of his seat, screaming at the top of his lungs, punching a hole through the wall, and sprinting out of this polar purgatory that was more frigid than his ex-girlfriend from his college days. But alas, unlike the other disgruntled customers who could leave at any time, though didn’t for some reason he couldn’t understand for the life of him, Kristoph was forced to endure this auditory torture right in the cacophonic epicenter out of ‘friendship’ for Phoenix.

How could a person be so unskilled at playing the piano? For God’s sake, Phoenix was butchering Chopsticks, a basic song that they teach to young children who have zero experience with the instrument whatsoever. Sure, Kristoph knew that Phoenix’s piano position was just a cover for his real job as an undefeated poker champ, but you’d think that given how much integrity the dethroned Comeback King demonstrated in court, he’d display even a fraction of it in his new role and actually learn to play the instrument for the sake of the poor customers- especially since Kristoph, a skilled pianist who was forced by his crazed mother to take a decade’s worth of lessons in the hopes of it somehow leading to grandchildren, offered to give him pointers on multiple occasions. Though just as Phoenix had refused to learn anything about technology and had been stuck with that annoying, dated Steel Samurai ringtone, so too had the man formerly known as the Turnabout Terror refused any and all piano lessons and had made it a point to subject a room full of innocent people to cruel and unusual punishment since starting at the Borsht Bowl a little over a year ago.

“Any requests?” Phoenix called out, giving the suffering audience a moment of reprieve as he paused, waiting for a request that would not come for obvious reasons, which, as Kristoph knew all too well, would result in yet another round of Splintery Chopsticks, as he dubbed his ‘friend’s’ rendition.

“Yes, a better pianist.” Kristoph spoke up, finally reaching the end of his rope as he flashed his ‘friend’ a scowl, prompting other customers to speak up in agreement.

“Sorry, Kristoph, but I’m all you’ve got.” Phoenix smirked. “Unless, of course, you think you can do better.”

“I don’t think I can play the piano better than you, Wright, I know it.” Kristoph smugly replied as he got up from his seat and took Phoenix’s place at the piano. “Alright, everyone, as an act of mercy, I’ll treat you all to some actual music in the form of an original song. So sit back and enjoy the show.”

Kristoph then proceeded to play a simple melody that didn’t make everyone else in the room writhe in pain before upping the ante with some lyrics.


{Kristoph}

For those unaware,

I’m Kristoph Gavin,

The best attorney,

‘Cause I always win.


They say I’m a genius, a god, a mensch.

I’m the Coolest Defense in the West,

Who rules from his bench.


I’m fit, handsome, and stately,

As Mother tells me.

Though my intellect is where I truly shine.

When I argue,

My rivals whimper and whine.


So as you can plainly see,

Everyone’s nothing next to me,

And proving that fact never fails to fill me with glee!


Upon finishing his song, Kristoph stood up from the bench and gave the other customers a bow before proceeding to saunter over to his ‘friend’.

“And there you have it, Wright: undeniable proof of my musical superiority over you. Just listen to the resounding praise of my adoring fans!” Kristoph smirked, his demeanor radiating absolute smugness as he gestured to the other customers who proceed to give him a hesitant round of applause.

“Yep, you sure showed me, Kristoph.” Phoenix responded with a mellow tone mixed with indifference as he shoved his hands into his hoodie’s pockets.

“Well, aren’t you taking this defeat well.” The Coolest Defense in the West warmly remarked with a slight hint of frustration as the left corner of his smiling mouth started to twitch.

“What can I say?” Phoenix shrugged. “It takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. For example, you might be a better piano player than me, but when it comes to poker, your abilities are much to be desired.”

“Nonsense, Wright.” Kristoph scoffed. “I may not make a living playing poker in such an… interesting establishment, but my skills at the game are nothing to sneeze at.”

“You’re right, Kristoph. It takes real talent to rack up a 20 grand poker debt with Trucy in the three hours I had you babysit her two days ago.” Phoenix wryly retorted.

“I’m sorry, Wright, but your daughter’s a cheater.” Kristoph growled, using every fiber of his being to keep his temper in check. “I don’t know how, but I’m beyond certain that foul play was at work that evening. No child could possibly have such a solid grasp of poker.”

“They can if they were raised for eight years by a man with a passion for the game. Speaking of which, there’s something that’s been on my mind ever since we first started hanging out, Kristoph. When you were Zak’s original defense attorney, did he challenge you to a game of poker?”

“Why do you ask?” Kristoph curtly answered. Pushing up his glassed to hide the death glare forming on his face.

“It’s just that when I offered to be Zak’s attorney, he insisted that I play a game of poker with him and was wondering if he did the same to you. Sure, I won without really trying, but I found it really strange that he decided to hire me on the spot over a game of poker. Wouldn’t you agree?” Phoenix asked with a smirk, prompting his ‘friend’ to start walking towards the restaurant’s exit. “Hey, Kristoph, where are you going?”

Kristoph stopped in his tracks and turned to face the poker shark. “Sorry, Wright, but you bringing up past trials reminded me that it would be in my best interest to head back to my office to go over the details for my latest case one last time to make sure that I’m not missing anything. Wouldn’t want to be caught with my pants down because of some evidence gone wrong, you know?”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Phoenix sullenly chuckled, a smile still on his face, but his eyes exuding the energy of a man who lost everything. “By the way, how do you want to handle the bill for this week’s outing?”

“Just add it to the debt that Trucy strongarmed me into having notarized.” Kristoph snarled as he made his way out of the restaurant while angrily muttering under his breath.

Chapter 114: I Need A Mommy

Notes:

JP: One of the greatest things about having the funniest guy in the fandom as my writing partner all these years is the way he thinks of songs I never would’ve dreamed of on his own accord to use for parodies, and the way that we challenge each other over the years he’s had me do a couple of bad guy songs were he has tried to take the more fluffy route with the songs and stories he’s done, and in this case, he presented me with Trucy singing to her daddy about how she needs a new mommy. I decided a great way to go about this would be having the story pick up right after the events of Phoenix’s proposal to Maya in the parody/story “Gonna Be My Bride” from the 100the song dual celebration chapter (for those who might need a refresher). I hope you enjoy this collab story follow-up!

CT: I swear, between Pearl and her superhuman capabilities and Trucy’s sheer determination and willpower, I’m surprised that Phoenix managed to say single for seven whole years after adopting the latter- especially on Valentine’s Day when love is the only thing being talked about. As such, I wouldn’t be surprised if Trucy and Pearl had some insanely huge book filled with amazing songs about why Phoenix should get together with someone- specifically everyone’s favorite burger-loving spirit medium- like the one that JP wrote up for this parody.

Chapter Text

“I Need A Mommy”
Sung to the tune of
“(I Need A Hero) Holding Out For A Hero”
from Footloose/Shrek 2

 

Flying Chapel – September 30, 2026

Since Trucy had had to dash off to the bathroom before arriving at the banquet hall, The Flying Chapel, where newlyweds Sorin and Ellen Sprocket had just celebrated their wedding festivitie– she, therefore, had missed the entire spontaneous engagement between her Daddy and his former assistant, a.k.a. the teen’s long-time not so secret contender for New Mommy.

Therefore, the completely out-of-the-loop Gramarye illusionist had no idea why her best friend was still standing outside the reception hall doors with a dreamy, starry-eyed expression.  In fact, the magician was flat-out mystified by the halcyon aura emanating from the acolyte.  She knew her best friend was a zealous fanatic about cleaning as much as her father was about scrubbing toilets, but that didn’t mean he literally whistled while he worked!  Trucy simply couldn’t wrap her head around how the concept of helping her father and Maya with post-reception cleanup duty could cause so much joy in her BFF, who looked as though it was now raining colored gumdrops from a sky strewn with rainbows and filled with flying unicorns!

“What’s up, Pearly?” She asked, a puzzled frown marring her smooth forehead as she watched her pseudo sister hug herself with glee. “What are you so smiley about? Do you honestly love cleaning that much?”

The radiant beam directed at the magician that spread across the teenage spirit medium’s face would have put the sun to shame.

“Come on, we’re out of here, Truce!” Pearl announced gleefully, grabbing her soon-to-be actual sister by the arm and dragging her towards the exit. “Let those two manage this mess by themselves – they never get to spend time alone together anymore! You and I have more important things to do!”

“I don’t get it!” The bewildered illusionist was huffing while struggling to keep up with the quickened pace of the dreamy pretzel-haired girl, whose feet appeared to be floating off the ground instead of walking. “Where are we going?”

“Dress shopping of course! How do you feel about matching bridesmaids’ gowns?”

Trucy abruptly halted in her tracks and gaped at the other girl.

“What in the name of Harry Houdini are you talking about, Pearly?”

“For Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya’s wedding, of course!” Pearl clasped her cheeks, which were pink with pleasure. “I’m thinking purple or blue. Or maybe purple with blue accents? Or vice versa…”

“Why do you insist on torturing both of us like this with your fantasizing about the impossible dream?”  The normally bubbly performer crossed her arms over her chest and scowled darkly. “I’m practically an adult now and Daddy has yet to get me the New Mommy that I begged him for ages ago!  I’ve dropped enough hints that my first choice would be your cousin!  This was despite me spending months since we all got back from West Asia, begging him to finally open his eyes and realize how beautiful Maya has gotten over the years, and how he better smarten up and snatch her up before someone else does!”

“Really?”  The youngest Fey snapped out of her dreamy stupor and blinked with surprise. “I’ve been shipping those two together since I was 8 years old, but I had no idea that you were on board, as well! Since when?”

Do you mean I could have had her as my Ace Matchmaker accomplice with my scheming to get those crazy kids together all this time?!

“I don’t know.”  Trucy shrugged helplessly. “Maybe it was when Athena told me about she could hear the emotions of Daddy’s heart back in the springtime under the cherry blossom tree when she and Apollo were talking about Maya’s training in Khura’in almost being over.  Maybe it was the fact that he’s never changed his ring tone from the Steel Samurai one for the last 10 years because it reminds him of her.  Maybe it’s because I know that in his locket necklace with my picture in it, hidden behind it is a photo of the two of you with him at Gatewater Land before you both returned to Kurain.  Or maybe it’s because he dropped everything without a second thought and rushed off to West Asia because he thought her life was in danger – without even letting any of us know where he was going until he finally got there!”

“Those are all really good reasons to be on board the S.S Phaya Ship!”  The spirit medium agreed cheerfully, linking arms with her future sister. “I think the definitive moment for me had to be when I found out that Mr. Nick, who was truly scared of heights, ran across a burning bridge to save Mystic Maya.  If that’s not love, I don’t know what is!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter what we think if he’s not willing to admit to anything, right?”  Trucy grumbled crossly. “I know Daddy’s still young and handsome enough, but he’s not going to look that way forever!  He can’t be alone his entire life!  Everybody needs someone special to grow old with, and I can’t think of anyone better than your cousin.  I’ve seen the way she is around him, too, and how she looks at him when she thinks nobody is watching.  I’d bet my magic panties that she has feelings for him!”

She clenched her fists.

“But it’s like talking to a brick wall!  Daddy is as stubbornly unmoving as those spikes of his! This morning, when he told me they were going to this wedding together – but only as friends – that I just couldn’t take it anymore!  You would think he’d take heed to my words and know I mean serious business after the Mommy Auditions we held a few years ago when you and I decided to pick a different path other than pleading and nagging to try to talk some sense into him…”

“Darn straight I remember!” Pearl interjected, rolling up her sleeve and balling up her fist as she scowled at the memory. ” At first, I was horrified at the idea of some random hussy intervening and ruining the beautiful love that Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya have for each other.”

A sadistic smile crossed her innocent features.

“Not that any of them would have made it past the first screening round anyway…”

“Oh, for sure you would have ensured that!” Trucy snickered. “No doubt that even if any of them had magically slipped through the cracks of the radar and somehow passed the initial screening, you’d have used those Fey Fists of Fury to give them a one-way slap to the Twilight Realm!”

“You better believe it!” Pearl giggled at the memory. “In hindsight, it’s pretty funny looking back at your futile, first annual Do You Wanna be a Mommy? auditions! Do you remember all those nervous women lined up outside of the agency…?”


        Wright Talent Agency – February 14, 2023

It was Valentine’s Day, a holiday that Phoenix dreaded each and every year without fail- not because of the countless sappy romantic ‘comedies’ that were being aired nonstop, or Maya draining his wallet even drier than normal (if that was even possible) by making him buy her enough chocolate to put Willy Wonka to shame in addition to her usual burger fix, or even Gumshoe going door-to-door selling pictures of a mortified Edgeworth getting out of the shower that left nothing up to the imagination with the caption ‘Free Willy!’ written on the bottom of the shots, complete with a crudely drawn winky face.

No. The reason why Valentine’s Day was Phoenix’s second least favorite day of the year- only being topped by April 19th, the day he lost his badge- was because it was when Trucy would ramp up her efforts to find him a wife and herself a new mommy to 11.

Phoenix loved Trucy with all of his heart and wouldn’t change a thing about her. Because of his daughter’s unwavering optimism, endless energy, and boundless creativity, she helped to bring light into the otherwise-bleak darkness that his world was engulfed in after he lost his badge. However, while Trucy’s determination served her very well as a magician (and helped to keep a roof over their heads more times than Phoenix would like to admit), he wished she wouldn’t use it to interfere in his love life by trying to set him up with any woman that met her rigorous qualifications, which consisted of the woman in question being young to middle-aged and having a pulse. And while Trucy was typically content with essentially pimping out her daddy to any women they just so happened to pass by on the street, on this holiest day of love, she felt that it wasn’t enough- opting to spring for one of those shady ‘hot singles in your area’ internet ads consisting of a shirtless picture of Phoenix that she took during their last trip to the beach and having any interested women come to the office for an audition in the hopes of winning a date with the legal eagle of their dreams.

Thus, how Phoenix found himself spending his day sitting on one of the couches in the Wright Talent Agency, sandwiched between Trucy and Pearl, as they judged woman after woman after woman for hours on end – think American Idol, but without the glitz and prospects of fame and fortune and where the only songs being sung were Phoenix’s internal chants for the earth to open up beneath him and swallow him whole as countless women swooned and begged for the chance to date him, only to be brutally turned away (and sometimes even literally picked up and tossed out of the room) by Pearl.

“I swear, Trucy…!” Pearl let out an exasperated sigh, dusting her hands off as she returned to her spot on the couch. “Just when I thought that these random women that you invite off the streets for these auditions couldn’t get any worse, this last one managed to take the cake!”

“And what was wrong with Ms. Teneiro, Pearly?” Trucy asked as she flashed her friend a confused look. “She seemed pretty nice to me.”

“One, she’s a flight attendant; meaning that she would leave you and Mr. Nick alone for extended periods regularly. And two, she’s not Mystic Maya!” Pearl roared, a scowl forming on her face as she rolled up her sleeve and clenched her fist. “Why do you even bother with these dating auditions when Mr. Nick already has Mystic Maya?! She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, and she and Mr. Nick have a history together! What more could you want?”

“Do you think I don’t want Daddy to get together with Maya, Pearly?” Trucy angrily retorted with her hands on her hips. “I would LOVE it if he’d go over to Maya, ask her out on a date, and let her make an honest man out of him. But unfortunately for us, that isn’t how things are. For the four years that I’ve known him, Daddy has made no effort to form an intimate relationship with Maya or anyone for that matter, and he’s running out of time!”

The young magician turned to face her adoptive father, who was maintaining the same position that he was in for the last ten hours: his gaze directed at his feet and his hands placed firmly on the sides of his head.

“I’m sorry, Daddy, but we have to face the facts…” Trucy sweetly stated as she patted Phoenix’s back. “You’re no spring chicken. You turned 30 last month and with each passing day, your boyish good looks fade away more and more. I know you don’t like me doing this, Daddy, but if I don’t, you’ll end up ugly and alone- just like this weird, sad little boy with a huge forehead and horns that I saw at Tempest Café reading a Dr. Who book by himself in the corner. Is that what you want, Daddy? To spend the rest of your days sitting alone in a coffee shop reading nerd books because you turned down every girl who’s interested in you, including the barista at that very café who thinks that you’re, and I quote, ‘a Grade-A DILF with a tushy as tight as a drum and as sweet and dandy as candy?!'”

Upon hearing this, Phoenix’s only response was a moan of anguish and humiliation.

“You’re right, Trucy!” Pearl spoke up. “Not only that, but at this rate, even if Mr. Nick finally comes to his senses and marries Mystic Maya, it’ll be at a point in time where her womb’s too dry and barren to produce any beautiful babies!”

Once again, Phoenix could only respond with another tortured moan, only noticeably louder.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Mr. Nick, that you and Mystic Maya were made for each other- like peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper, and Mr. Edgeworth and that pink suit of his?” Pearl irritably demanded.

“She’s right, Daddy! it’s bad enough that you turn down every potential mommy I try to set you up with, but to actively let God-tier ones like Maya slip through your fingers…!” Trucy huffed, her hands firmly placed on her hips as she glared daggers at her adoptive father. “I swear…!”


[Trucy]

Where have all the good moms gone?
Why won’t you drop your guard?

And seek the woman of your dreams to prevail against all odds?

Isn’t there a white light to shine upon my dreams?

Every night I hope and I pray that you’ll give me what I need!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and love endlessly
And willing to kiss me goodnight!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true
That you can take for a wife!
(Can take for a wife)


Wish that I could conjure her right out of my magic blue panties

With fair face you can gaze upon

That makes your heart skip a beat


She will have to be special I know this ain’t no small feat

Daddy trust that she’ll find us – all you need to do is believe!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and be loving
And willing to kiss me goodnight!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true

That you can take for a wife!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives


Somewhere on earth will be the woman you’ll love!
And right from the start you’ll see!

That she’s THE ONE, your soulmate that’s meant for thee!


She’ll erase all your past hurt and pain

And she’ll think you’re a stud
She’ll warm up your heart, put fire in your blood
(Put fire in your blood, put fire in your blood)
(Put fire in your blood, put fire in your blood)


I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and be loving
And willing to kiss me goodnight!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true
That you can take for a wife!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives

She’s gotta be gentle and be loving
And willing to kiss me goodnight!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying hard for a mommy to come brighten our lives

With a heart that’s pure and is worthy and true
That you can take for a wife!


I need a mommy!

I’m praying that a new mommy comes along and arrives…


Phoenix groaned and clapped a hand over his eyes as the little magician ended her nagging serenade with a flourish of a spinning cape and tipped hat in his direction.

“I think you’ve made your point, Truce,” he said wearily, dragging a hand down his face and applauding half-heartedly when Pearl shot daggers at him for his lackluster reaction to the tune.

“Stop glaring at me like that!” The hobo cried in an exasperated tone as he firmly placed his hands on the sides of his head and pointed his gaze at the ground. “What exactly do you want me to do, Pearls?”

“You should know what I want by now, Mr. Nick!” Pearl snapped peevishly. “I want you to tell Maya that she can only spend time with us and chain her to a radiator when she tries to go against your wishes! If she were here by your side at all times like she’s supposed to be, there’d be no need for Trucy to come up with alternative schemes like these pointless Mommy auditions!”

Without warning, the incensed pretzel-haired teen suddenly reached over and slapped Phoenix in the arm, prompting the ex-lawyer to squeeze the injured limb and barely resist the urge to scream out in pain.

“Furthermore, I want you to man up and fight for your woman, Mr. Nick – like those guys in the movies!” The young spirit medium proclaimed as she leaped up from her seat, grabbed Phoenix by the arm, and proceeded to drag him towards the door with little effort. “Mr. Nick and I are heading out to work on the next phase of Operation Win Over Mystic Maya right now, Trucy. While we’re out, continue the auditions and have any promising candidates come back tomorrow morning so that I can reject them in person.”

“Will do, Pearly!” Trucy replied with a tip of her hat. “Good luck winning Maya’s heart, Daddy!”

“Mr. Nick doesn’t need luck, Trucy- not when he’s destined to marry Mystic Maya and love her forever and ever!” Pearl squealed.

“Wait, don’t I get any say in this?” Phoenix asked as a bead of sweat rolled down his brow. 

“Maybe you should have thought about that before wasting all this time being too cowardly to profess your love for my cousin, even though your lost your badge and aren’t her boss anymore, so I don’t see what’s been holding you back anymore! Do you know she’s now talking about going to West Asia next year for training – and hence being away from me, not to mention you, her true love, for two whole years?! Since you haven’t given her any reason to stay and not leave us, you’ve really gone and thrown a monkey wrench into my plans for you two.” The doe-eyed girl sternly replied, giving the card shark’s arm a sharp tug and nearly ripping it out of its socket in the process. “I’m going to make you learn dance lessons and be so suave and graceful, you can sweep my cousin off her feet! And for your practice dance partner – we’ll just get the ugliest girl in line outside to help out.”

“Hold it! Pearl, I can’t dance to save my life!” Phoenix pleaded as the adolescent spirit medium dragged him out of the office before slamming the door behind her with a loud thud. “Objection!”

 

Chapter 115: I Don't Wanna Be

Notes:

CT: Considering that Apollo was forced to assist Trucy with tricks deadly enough to make Athena “I toss cops around like it’s nothing” Cykes flee in terror, on top of everyone in L.A. never passing up an opportunity to mock his hair, outfit, forehead, and/or Chords of Steel, it’s no wonder Apollo was so willing to stay in Khura’in. Heck, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Athena contemplated joining Apollo over there, only to quickly drop that idea upon realizing that Trucy would hunt her down like some deranged villain from a horror film. Trucy’s smuggled herself abroad in Edgeworth’s suitcase at least once, so she’d probably be more than happy to do it again if it meant bringing back at least one of her assistants.

JP: Athena is throwing a pity-party, to which everybody is invited, is also the umpteenth testament to why work so well together! As a JusticeCykes shipper to his Junipollo love, I would have made this outcome be far more different. 😂Nevertheless, I hope you all enjoy this tale and parody as much as I did, as it's still in its indelible CT trademarked comical glory!

Chapter Text

“I Don’t Wanna Be”

Sung to the tune of

“There’s No Easy Way”

by James Ingram


Normally, at five o’clock in the evening, Athena couldn’t get out of the office fast enough. Sure, the yellow-cladded defense attorney loved her job and working with the Wrights, but she also loved all of the leisure activities she could enjoy outside of work: hanging out with Simon and Junie, jogging, researching the latest developments in the world of psychology, and (in more recent times) not being forced to take part in Trucy’s magic shows of pain and sorrow. No wonder Apollo’s the way he is! After just one month of inheriting the punishment of being the bubbly, yet borderline unhinged magician’s assistant, Athena’s noticed a drastic decline in her ability to get a good night’s sleep and an equally strong increase in her desire to cry.

Though being Trucy’s assistant wasn’t the only thing that Athena inherited from Apollo after he left the Anything Agency to start up his own firm in Khura’in- far from it. Apparently, Apollo was like some kind of lightning rod when it came to bad luck and ridicule from others, because the second the psychology buff was left as the only junior attorney at the Anything Agency, everything started going wrong for her nonstop: everyone she’s come across (with the exception of Junie) hasn’t passed up an opportunity to make at least one jab towards her suit or hair, Phoenix has been excluding her more and more from assisting him in investigations, opting to have her ‘hold down the fort’ at the Anything Agency while he goes out with Maya and/or Pearl, and for some reason, everyone expects her to treat for group meals despite them knowing that she makes peanuts- less than peanuts, even! At least with peanuts, you can eat them.

Which is why instead of enjoying her evening, Athena was sitting on one of the Anything Agency’s couches, looking down at her cellphone that she was gripping with a look of dread, as if she was dealing with a matter of life and death.

“You ready, Junie?” Athena asked, taking a deep breath to calm herself. “You ready to bring Apollo home and restore balance to the universe?”

“I-I don’t know, Thena…” Juniper nervously answered with her hands clasped together, her gaze moving off to the side. “I miss Apollo too, but we shouldn’t push him to come back just because things are a little tough.”

“A little tough?” Athena angrily hissed. “A ‘little tough’ is when my psycho tyrant magician boss forces me to assist her with tricks that are less ‘trick’ and more ‘cruel and unusual punishment’, when my mentor makes me spend my day cleaning the toilet until my hands are on the verge of falling off while he’s out investigating with Maya, or when Klavier and everyone else in the justice system makes nonstop remarks about how my hair makes me look like a spider. Very tough, on the other hand, is when all three are happening to you at the same time!”

“Ok, I’ll admit it was pretty bad when Prosecutor Debeste and Detective Faraday were asking you if Spiderus was your husbando in court the other day...”

“Exactly! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, Junie!” Athena wailed as she did everything in her power to hold back the tears forming in her eyes. “That’s why we need to bring Apollo back!”

“I-I’m still not sure, Thena.”

“Come on, Junie. You and I both know that you want Apollo to come back just as much, if not more, than me.” Athena remarked with a mischievous grin.

“W-What do you- *cough!* *cough!* mean?” Juniper nervously asked, taking a large whiff of the sunflower on her hat to ease her cough.

“Junie, with my hearing, I knew about your crush on Apollo the moment it formed. And do you honestly think I didn’t notice that heart-covered scarf you start knitting whenever your feelings for him surface…?” Athena teased, prompting the other girl’s cheeks to become as red as a tomato.

“P-Please don’t tell anyone about this!” Juniper pleaded as she pulled her pigtails. “I-I’d die *cough!* of embarrassment!”

“My lips are sealed, Junie. However, if we don’t get Apollo back, then there’s a good chance that you’d never get the opportunity to tell him yourself. So let me ask you again: Are you ready, Junie?”

“Yes, Thena.” The aspiring judge confidently replied with a nod as her childhood friend took out her cellphone and dialed her ex-coworker’s number.”

“Athena…?” Apollo groggily answered after the phone rang a few times.

“Hey, Apollo! What’s up with you?” Athena excitedly asked with a huge grin on her face.”

“Well, I was sleeping since it’s almost 6:00 in the morning here.” The horn-haired attorney wryly replied. “So what’s wrong?”

“Can’t a girl call in just to see how her dear friend and former coworker’s doing?” The psychology buff innocently asked.

“A girl, yes; you, no. So what’s going on?” Apollo asked with a hint of fear in his voice. “Did Mr. Wright get hit by another car? Did another one of Trucy’s magic tricks go horribly wrong? Did you try watering Charley with ‘super water’ again? Damn it, Athena! I don’t care if some guy named Moondew or Twinkly Butternut Boom Boom Nebula or whatever from Pure Foods told you that some brown sludge that he found in his gutters is some kind of miracle water that will make you live forever, that stuff nearly killed poor Charlie!”

“His name is ‘Arborius’ and he’s the leading expert on plants in his drum circle, for your information, but that’s not why I’m calling you.”

“Then why are you calling?” Apollo asked, his tone becoming less nervous and more dreading.

“Well, I just wanted to… You see, I… Frankly…. Please come back to the Anything Agency, Apollo! Everyone’s been a wreck without you!” Athena shrieked.

“What?”

“Ever since you’ve left, everyone has been miserable: Trucy’s been forcing me to assist her with tricks that are way deadlier than anything she put you through, Mr. Wright lets me investigate less since Maya got back and makes me clean the toilet every time, Junie’s a mess because she loves- What the heck, Junie!? Stop trying to cover my mouth! I just saying that you love Apollo’s company! Ok, where was I? I’m sure there was one more… Oh, right! Even Klavier misses you!”

“Yeah, probably because I’m no longer around to be his walking punchline.” Apollo scoffed.

“Well, regardless of the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that ever since you left, Klavier got back to creating songs, but these aren’t the fast-paced, upbeat rock singles that put him on the charts- far from it. I’m talking whinny emo songs that are sad on so many levels for all the wrong reasons, like Shot me in the Forehead, Khura’in on My Parade, and Flutterboy Came, Flutterboy Took. That’s why you need to come back to the Anything Agency, Apollo!”

“Look Athena, as much as I don’t want to see anyone suffer the fate of hearing some Gavin-meets-Twilight monstrosity, I can’t come back yet. Even though Khura’in’s major university has reintroduced its defense attorney’s curriculum, until some of the students in it complete their education, I’m the only defense attorney in the entire country. Plus, I may still have to deal with crazy clients, toilets that need to be cleaned, and being the butt of everyone’s jokes- especially from the human laugh track that is Datz Are’bal- but at least here, I have a say in how things work in my office and have a living salary.”

“But Apollo…” Athena pleaded before breaking out into song.


{Athena}

I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause everyone acts like I’m you.

Trucy comes to me,

But her psycho grin’s clearly not a good sign for me!


I’m used to test Trucy’s tricks,

And so I do all I can to escape,

But no matter how fast and far I run,

I find myself being threatened with a stage gun,

And a big pay cut!


I don’t wanna be everyone’s punching bag!


The Boss lied and said I’d be fine,

But I know the truth and see the signs.

But I have no choice,

Because no one else will hire me for some reason!


With a toilet brush in hand,

I experience grossness at their command!

The smell always makes me flinch,

And the sight haunts my dreams,

But when I object, Trucy gives me grief,

And a big pay cut!


I don’t wanna be everyone’s punching bag!


The Judge shows me no mercy,

The witnesses are completely crazy,

And the prosecutors always torture me!


Klavier mocks me to no end,

And forgets that I’m his fan and friend!

Last week in court, Klavier was so cold.

I showed him my wit, wiles. and mood matrix prowess,

But he just whined about how you’re better than me!


Apollo, please help me!


And when the sun sets soon,

I have to treat the team to dinner at Eldoon’s,

Where I cry when we go there every day,

‘Cause that salty broth makes me wanna run far away,

But I can’t say no,

Or Trucy will cut my pay!

I don’t wanna be…!

I don’t wanna be everyone’s punching bag!


“So what do say, Apollo? Will you come back to the Anything Agency?” Athena asked with a mix of hope and nervousness in her voice.

“No.” Apollo answered matter-of-factly with no hesitation.

“What?” The psychology buff responded with a tone of disbelief.

“I said ‘no’, Athena. As I already told everyone, I plan on returning to L.A. someday, but not anytime in the near future.”

“But I sang a musical number for you!” Athena protested, her pupils disappearing out of rage as she squeezed the life out of her phone. “So by the law of movies, you’re obligated to do as I ask after a brief moment of hesitation!”

“This isn’t a movie, Athena; this is real life. As such, I’m not going to drop everything that I’ve built up in Khura’in at the drop of a hat just because you sang a song that highlights several of the reasons that make me want to stay here and there’s nothing you can say to change my mind.”

“Oh, that reminds me: Junie’s here and from the look on her face, she’s just dying to talk to you!” Athena chirped, thrusting her phone at her best friend with only a meek yelp of protest from the other girl.

“H-Hi, Apollo…” Juniper nervously stated, her cheeks becoming redder by the second.

“Oh, hey Juniper! How are things going?” The horn-haired attorney jovially asked.

“I-I’m doing fine, though I have to admit that I’ve been a bit down in the dumps since you left, Apollo. I… I miss you- the unwavering determination you show in court, even when everyone is against you, the bravery that you show when defending your friends…” Seeing how nicely you fill out your khakis. Juniper thought to herself, a small smirk appearing on her face for the briefest of moments before being replaced with a frown and eyes full of sadness. “I know that you’re busy setting things right in Khura’in, but I would love to see you again.”

Upon hearing this, Athena couldn’t help but inwardly cheer, pumping her fists in the air as Widget glowed a bright green. She did it! Apollo was coming home and things would return to normal! After all, no one could say no to a girl like Junie saying something like that unless they had a heart of stone- something the yellow-cladded attorney knew was the exact opposite of Apollo’s nature, as seen by how crazy he went when his best friend was murdered, as well as the My Little Pony mangas that he thought were well-hidden in his desk. If only they were doing a video call so that Junie could really seal the deal by flashing Apollo those doe eyes of hers.

“Well, in that case, you’re in luck. Nahyuta’s currently in L.A. helping Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth with a trial and getting some ideas on how to reform the Prosecutor’s Office over here and he’s going to be coming back in about a week. So if you want, I can give him a call, you can come here, crash at my place for a few days, and then come back with him when he flies out for another trial.”

“I-I don’t know, Apollo… I-I wouldn’t want to impose on Prosecutor Sahdmadhi.” Juniper meekly responded, closing her eyes and clenching her free hand in a fist out of nervousness.

“Trust me, as Nahyuta’s foster brother, he’d be more than happy to do this for us. In fact, when Nahyuta flies, he buys an entire row- one seat for him, one for the Holy Mother, and one for his ‘spiritual presence’, whatever that means. As such, both you and Athena could come visit me here, even though she’d probably refuse the offer with every fiber of her being.”

“Let me ask.” Juniper jovially responded with a grin before directing her attention to her childhood friend. “Athena, Apollo offered to have Prosecutor Sahdmadhi fly us out to Khura’in to visit him for a few days next week. What do you think?”

“The only way I’m seeing Apollo is if he walks through the door to this office right here- especially if visiting him in Khura’in means spending an eternity on a plane with his coworker-stealing ‘brother’ while the guy lectures me nonstop on how I’m going to Hell!”

With a nod, the aspiring judge returned the phone to her ear. “Thena would prefer not to, but I-I’d be more than happy to take you up on your offer.”

“JUNIE!” Athena shrieked, her hands flying to her cheeks as her expression morphed into one of pure horror.

“Great! I’ll see you- Oh, I have to go! I’m getting a call from the police. Hopefully, they finally have a lead on that stolen yak.”

“Good luck, Apollo. I’ll see you in a week.” Juniper ended the call, giggling to herself with reddened cheeks as she pressed the phone to her chest while her childhood friend glared at her with reddened cheeks of her own, though for a very different reason.

“Et tu, Junie?” Athena huffed with her hands on her hips.

“I’m sorry, Thena, but I’m no longer the submissive little girl who was always your lady-in-waiting when we’d play ‘The Adventures of Princess Athena and Sir Simon the Samurai.’” Juniper responded with a stern, confident look in her eyes. “Sure, I may have my soft-spoken moments and am not as open with my feelings as I’d like to be, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a grown woman with needs; and right now, I need Apollo!”

“Well, I need my best friend to help me bring Apollo back so I no longer have to deal with my psycho magician boss! Please, Junie! I don’t wanna be just another Troupe Gramarye statistic!” The psychology buff desperately pleaded as tears streamed down her cheeks.

“Calm down, Thena.” Junie gently stated, patting her friend’s shoulder with one hand while handing the other girl her cellphone with the other. “I’m just going to spend a few days in Khura’in and then be back before you know it. If anything, you should be happy because I’ll be able to talk to Apollo in person and should at the very least get him to visit here every once in a while.”

“That’s what we thought when we went there when Maya was kidnapped, only for us to return with one less Apollo thanks to Prosecutor Sad Monk! What if he convinces you to stay with the same story of ‘reforming the legal system’ that he used on Apollo? What if you decide to be more than friends with Apollo, fall in love with the country, and start a new life for yourself with him there?!” Athena exclaimed, her eyes becoming saucer-sized and her breathing going shallow as she placed her hands over her ears. “I can’t lose you too, Junie! I can’t be left alone with Trucy’s death shows, Mr. Wright’s toilet that always needs cleaning, and Klavier’s whinny soy boy music kick! I just can’t! I may have Simon, but there’s only so much support he can give due to his hotel’s worth of emotional baggage that he refuses to unloaaaaad!”

As Athena broke down into tears, Juniper gave her a comforting hug before looking her in the eyes. “Thena; Thena, calm down. I swear on every tree in the forest that I’m not going to up and leave you on a whim. I may love Apollo and want nothing more than to start a life with him, but I refuse to abandon you during this tough time.”

Athena sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Y-You say that, but that’s only because you don’t realize that Khura’in was made for you: the air’s clean, most of the country’s quiet and full of scenic forests and mountains, and it has Apollo!”

“While all those things sound nice, there’s one thing that Khura’in doesn’t have: my friends. And once I get back, I’ll be sure to tell you, Hugh, and Robin all about my trip.”

“Thanks, Junie. Though while you’re there, be sure to remind Apollo about all of the good things that he’s missing out on until he’s begging to come back here with you!” Athena smirked, her disposition brightening up as she slammed her fist into her open palm.

“Will do, Thena.” Juniper nodded with a giggle as she got up from her seat and walked over to the barricaded office door. “Uh, Thena…?” The aspiring judge awkwardly gestured to the pile of magic props blocking the door.

“Oh, sure thing.” Athena stated as she got up and helped Juniper move the magic props out of the way. “Sorry again about this. It was the only way to ensure that Trucy wouldn’t barge in while we were talking and force me to help her practice her arts of torture.” The psychology buff shuddered.

“No problem, Thena. If Trucy gives you a hard time, be sure to give me, Robin, and/or Hugh a call and we’ll do everything we can to help.” Juniper reassured her friend before exiting the office through the now-unblocked entrance. “Huh. I don’t remember that ceiling vent being open when I got here…” The aspiring judge mused as closed the door behind her.

“Wait, did you just say something about an open air vent…?” Athena nervously gulped as she broke out into a cold sweat. “Oh no…”

“Hello, Athena.” Trucy coldly stated as she emerged from the back of the office.

“T-TRUCY!” Athena shrieked, quickly turning to face her young employer’s death glare. “H-How long have you been here?”

“Long enough to learn that not only do you think that I’m some kind of psycho tyrant, but that you also hate Klavier’s newest masterpiece, Khura’in on My Parade!” Trucy growled as she pulled a CD with a picture of Klavier sadly strumming a guitar while sitting under a storm of magatama-shaped raindrops on the front out of her magic panties before immediately returning it to the enigmatic bloomers.

“I-I’m sorry, Trucy! I just want to bring Apollo back because I’m tired of all of the dangerous tricks you’ve been making me do and being nothing but a joke to practically everyone!”

“You think I like this, Athena?” Trucy angrily asked, her hands on her hips as she glowered at her terrified subordinate. “Polly was my dream assistant- he couldn’t run away from me because of his weak baby legs and the audience loved watching him suffer way more than you! But alas, since we don’t have Polly, we have to make the best of things. So brace yourself, Athena, ‘cause our next trick’s going to be the hottest thing ever- figuratively and literally!” The young magician chirped, a mischievous grin forming on her face as she reached into her magic panties and pulled out a butane torch, a canister of gasoline, and several sticks of dynamite. “I call it ‘Burning Ring of Fire!’”

“And I call it instant death! JUNIEEE!!!” Athena screamed at the top of her lungs as she burst out of the office and ran away from the area as fast as she could.

“You can’t run forever, Athena!” Trucy shouted, pulling a Troupe Gramarye stage pistol out of her magic panties before proceeding to chase after her subordinate. “Don’t forget who signs your paycheck, which will be much smaller if you don’t get back here!”

Chapter 116: Mr. Nick

Notes:

CT: Since Pearl didn't hesitate to slap Phoenix unconscious for the crime of Dessie holding his hands out of platonic joy and appreciation, not only can I easily imagine her learning how to play the piano with the sole intention of writing a song to spark the Phaya coals, but also going as far as to create an entire album celebrating her OTP. Then, using the money earned from the album, Pearl would arrange nonstop romantic dinner outings and vacations for Phoenix and Maya until the former realizes his feelings for the latter and proposes, at which point, the profits would be spent on the perfect wedding venue, complete with an all-you-can-eat burger and noodle buffet, a chocolate fountain, and a live-action "Steel Samurai" performance.

JP: After so long it's so exciting to have an update on "Singing in the Courtroom" by my ever-hilarious co-author, CzarThwomp! CT's dedication to weaving intricate and entertaining narratives is truly commendable. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at Pearl's song for Mr. Nick and her relentless pursuit of love for him and Maya. It's a testament to CT's ability to infuse humour and heart into our storytelling.

Chapter Text

“Mr. Nick”

Sung to the tune of

“Peaches”

From The Super Mario Bros. Movie”


For the past two months, Phoenix had been tirelessly working to accomplish three objectives: be the best father that he could be for Trucy, learn how to play the piano for his new job at the Borscht Bowl, and find solid evidence that proved without a shadow of doubt that he didn’t forge that fake diary page that cost him his badge so that he could go back to his dream job of being a defense attorney.

For the first objective, Phoenix felt that he was on the right track- Trucy was happy, healthy, and had a safe place to call home. Of course, there were plenty of times when Phoenix was at a loss for what to do, such as when he discovered that Trucy was an early bloomer around two weeks after adopting her, but in those cases, he was able to fall back on the old adage of ‘it takes a village to raise a child’; and fortunately for Phoenix and Trucy, they had quite the village, with Maya, Larry, and Gumshoe as the fun aunt/uncles, Edgeworth as the stern, but fair uncle who always made a point to emphasize responsible decision-making and a focus on learning, and Franziska as the soccer mom who went out of her way to attend as many of the young magician’s magic shows as she could, partially for moral support and partially to whip away any hecklers or the creeps who frequented the Wonder Bar. In fact, there were plenty of times when Phoenix felt like Trucy was the parent while he was the child, what with her bringing in a sizeable chunk of their income and providing him with encouragement whenever he was feeling down.

As for the second goal, despite Edgeworth and Kristoph doing everything in their power to teach Phoenix even the most rudimentary of techniques, which entailed a lot of yelling, insults, and, in the case of the lattermost, bodily harm, the best the ex-attorney was capable of was playing a semi-bearable version of Chopsticks. Thankfully, since Phoenix was an undefeated poker champ first and a fifth-rate pianist second, his boss was willing to let it slide. In fact, after hearing countless complaints from the customers, Sergei, being the eccentric, business-minded individual that he was, decided to capitalize on this by making all orders at the bar half-off during Phoenix’s shifts and selling tomatoes to customers. Though while Phoenix wasn’t too fond of a bunch of angry drunks pelting him with produce, if it meant not having to deal with Kristoph going on insane, hour-long tirades over him butchering On the Good Shop Lollipop, Animal Crackers in My Soup, and other timeless Shirley Temple classics, it was a price that he was more than willing to pay.

But as for the third goal, things weren’t going so well. Despite his best efforts, Phoenix’s investigation was hitting a dead-end, prompting him to have lunch with Franziska at a fancy café to discuss potential leads and documents that she could obtain for him thanks to her rank and ‘ways’, which he fully knew was code for her whipping anyone who even thought of questioning her. Now Phoenix was the first to admit that it was never fun to be on the receiving end of that whip, but even he couldn’t deny that it was a pretty handy tool when it was on his side.

“Thanks for treating me to lunch today, Franziska.” Phoenix mentioned as he and the silver-haired prosecutor exited the elevator and walked down the hall towards the Wright Talent Agency.

“Don’t mention it, Phoenix Wright.” Franziska said with a wave of her hand. “As long as I get my chance to crush you in court and avenge my perfect record, then it’s worth every cent. Plus, I wouldn’t be opposed to knocking that foolish fool Klavier Gavin down a peg and wiping that smug grin off of his face.”

“Speaking of which, thanks for driving me to and from the café. Ever since I got disbarred, things get pretty awkward pretty fast whenever I ride the bus- not because of my newfound slimeball reputation as the Forgin’ Attorney, but because whenever my ‘bus family’ sees me, they go on and on about how Klavier did me dirty and how he thinks he and the rest of the beautiful people are better than us. Then, before I know it, they get so riled up that they yell at the driver to take them to Klavier’s house to teach him a lesson.”

“Well, with how little progress we made over lunch, I’m not entirely opposed to that kind of justice.” Franziska joked as she waggled her finger. “And while we’re on the topic of appreciation, thank you for your willingness to go to lunch an hour early. Even though I’m confident that this case I’m prosecuting will take less than 20 minutes, I still have to be at the courthouse on time to prepare Scruffy and the witness.

“No problem. If only we had Edgeworth’s logic… Too bad he couldn’t join us because of that big Interpol investigation that he got roped into.”

At that moment, Franziska heard something that she never imagined that she’d hear coming from Phoenix’s office: music from a piano. However, she couldn’t recognize the song, which was simple, yet surprisingly catchy and upbeat.

“Phoenix Wright, is that… music coming from your office?”

“Oh, that’s just Pearls.” Phoenix nonchalantly answered. “Originally, I planned to do some investigating with her and Maya after our lunch outing, but right before you picked me, Maya called saying that she couldn’t assist me today because of some urgent matters in Kurain. So since Pearls had her heart set on helping me and she’s no stranger to coming here alone, it would be just her.

“P-Pearl Fey’s here…?” Franziska nervously gulped.

“Yeah, I guess she just got here early. Now I know you have that trial this afternoon, but would you be willing to spare a few minutes to help me and Pearls come up with some investigation plans?” Phoenix awkwardly smiled as he scratched the back of his neck. “Otherwise, I’m afraid that it’ll be a repeat of our last brainstorming session, in which the best idea to come out of it was Maya going to Kristoph’s apartment and charming the evidence out of him with the- and I can’t stress enough how these were Maya’s words, not mine- ‘Dance of 1,000 Burgers’.”

Franziska snickered. “As much as I’d love to stay and watch you make a fool of yourself Phoenix Wright, I think it would be best if I left now. It’s just that…” The silver-haired prosecutor took a deep breath, her embarrassed gaze pointed towards the ground. “Pearl Fey hates me and I’m afraid that me staying here would only end in disaster.”

“Franziska, Pearls doesn’t hate you.” Phoenix replied in a reassuring tone, only to feel the sting of the silver-haired prosecutor’s whip.

“Are you as forgetful as you are foolish, Phoenix Wright?” Franziska snapped as she tugged her whip. “You saw how Pearl Fey acted towards me when we encountered her at the Inner Temple Gate during Misty Fey’s case! I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect during her hour of need, yet she didn’t hesitate to tear me to shreds over how I prosecuted Maya Fey! And before you mention how Pearl Fey’s just a little girl, she slapped you unconscious over having your hands held by a woman who wasn’t Maya Fey, and she likes you! So I can only imagine what she’d do to me without worries or the presence of witnesses other than you holding her back.”

“I swear, Maya will never let me live that down…” Phoenix muttered under his breath with a sigh. “Look, I’ll admit that Pearls can be a bit… passionate, but she isn’t vengeful. She’s nothing like her mother.”

Franziska sighed, knowing that if Phoenix was willing to be friendly with her despite everything that she and her family put him through, then she could give Pearl another chance. “Fine, Phoenix Wright, I’ll stay for a couple of minutes.”

With a nod and a friendly grin, Phoenix opened the door to the office, where sure enough, Pearl was busy playing the piano, and entered with Franziska. “Hey Pearls, I’m back. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“No worries, Mr. Nick. How was your- What is she doing here?” Pearl snarled, her sweet smile being replaced with a sour frown and her kind eyes morphing into an icy scowl that would put the artic to shame.

“H-Hello, Pearl Fey.” Franziska nervously stated with a weak wave, only to be completely ignored as Pearl glared daggers at Phoenix, who was trying to come up with a response that wouldn’t leave Trucy as an orphan again.

“Well, Mr. Nick, what do you have to say for yourself?” Pearl growled, her fingers drumming across the piano’s keys, the pace becoming faster with each passing second as her patience grew thinner. “Because from what I’m seeing, while Mystic Maya’s hard at work in Kurain with her duties as Master, you’re cheating on her with the mean, scary prosecutor lady who tried to put her in jail and whipped you a whole bunch!”

“I swear, Pearls, I wasn’t on a date with Franziska!” Phoenix objected, his eyes wide with fear as he raised his hands in self-defense. “We just went out to lunch-“

“Which is a date!” The young spirit medium roared as she rolled up her sleeve and clenched her fist.

“Please Pearls, it wasn’t a date!” Phoenix pleaded as he practically got down on his knees. “Franziska and I were just having lunch and discussing what leads and documents she could use her position as a prosecutor to get for me; and to be honest, with how much she was pausing our conversation to check her phone, it was more of a working lunch for her with no feelings attached.

Upon hearing the ex-attorney say this, Franziska couldn’t help but feel dejected. Truth be told, the reason why Franziska was on her phone so much during that lunch wasn’t because she was blowing him off, but because she was trying to take her relationship with Phoenix to the next level, one that was more on the romantic side. However, Franziska realized that wooing Phoenix would be easier said than done thanks to her upbringing in a house where a brief hug was a laughable fancy, not a right. So in order to win the card shark’s heart, Franziska came up with a plan for Adrian Andrews to help her out: the silver-haired prosecutor would attach a pin-sized transmitter to her lapel, allowing for Adrian to listen in on the outing and send her texts with suggestions about what to say. Yes, Franziska knew it was foolish, but darn it, Phoenix was a kind, loyal, reliable man and she was willing to take her chance. So spurred on by her feelings, Franziska decided to do the unthinkable: stand up against Pearl.

“Pearl Fey, I apologize for how I treated Maya Fey and Phoenix Wright when we first met. I was dealing with my own issues at the time and thought that the only way to handle my problems was to lash out and take advantage of the opportunity and power that I was granted at that moment through my job. However, while I was in the wrong, that doesn’t make it right for you to persecute Phoenix Wright for merely having lunch with me and rule over his love life with an iron fist. While his foolishness in the courtroom may be on par with that of an infant spider monkey, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a grown man and free to choose who he does and doesn’t want to date. I’m not saying that there isn’t a chance that he could enter into a romantic relationship with Maya Fey- they have a long history and have demonstrated on several occasions that they… care for each other- but there are no certainties in life and Phoenix Wright may choose to love and spend the rest of his days with someone… unexpected, someone that he thought was cold and unfeeling until he taught them to trust; someone who thinks of him as a fool, but also the perfect person to form a relationship with.”

By the end of her tangent, Franziska’s cheeks were quite red as she could hardly believe what she just said. However, while the silver-haired prosecutor all but confessed her feelings for Phoenix, he was hardly analyzing her words on account of his mind being clouded with adrenaline and fear directed towards Pearl, who simply burst out laughing.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ms. Scary Prosecutor Lady. Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya are a timeless pairing like peanut butter and jelly or salt and pepper. Sure, Mr. Nick hasn’t proclaimed his love to Mystic Maya yet, but that’s only because he’s too shy and has been overwhelmed by everything that’s been going on. That’s why I wrote this song for Mystic Maya’s true love, Mr. Nick, who by the end of it, will be only too happy to admit to her that he feels the same way.

After cracking her knuckles, Pearl started to play a song on the piano.


{Pearl}

Mr. Nick,

You’re so couth,

And with Mystic Maya’s love,

You always find the truth.

Mr. Nick,

So you see,

You and Mystic Maya are meant to be!


Mr., Mr., Mr., Mr. Nick,

Mr., Mr., Mr., Mr. Nick,

Marry my cousin!

Oh!

Mr., Mr., Mr., Mr. Nick,

Mr., Mr., Mr., Mr. Nick,

Marry my cousin!

Oh!


Iris, Franziska, and Mr. Edgeworth, too,

A thousand murder charges won’t keep Mystic Maya from you!

Mr. Nick,

When this song is done,

You’ll wanna smooch your special someone!

Oh!


Mr., Mr., Mr., Mr. Nick,

Mr., Mr., Mr., Mr. Nick,

Marry my cousin!

Oh!


Mr. Nick!

Mr. Nick!!

MR. NIIIIIII-


Suddenly, Pearl’s song was interrupted by the 8-bit remix of the Steel Samurai theme song that served as Phoenix’s ringtone, which ended as quickly as it began upon the ex-attorney answering the call.

“Hello…? Hey Edgeworth, what’s up?”

“Mr. Nick, please put your phone on speaker.” Pearl requested in a sweet tone that was in stark contrast to the intense look of anger in her eyes, prompting the card shark to gulp as he complied without hesitation.

“S-Sorry, Edgeworth. You mind repeating that? I was a little preoccupied with… something.” Phoenix nervously requested as he scratched the back of his neck, casting a quick glance at Pearl, who was rolling up her sleeve and clenching her fist.

“Sure thing, Wright. I was just wondering where you are.”

“My office. Why? Do you need my help with your investigation? Because while I’m happy to lend a hand, I don’t think that Lang will be too keen with the idea of working alongside the Forgin’ Attorney.”

“What are you talking about?” Edgeworth asked in an irritated tone. “The only thing I’m currently investigating is why I’ve been spending the last 20 minutes alone at a table in the café, contending with a short-tempered waitress who keeps on insisting that I order something despite you and Franziska being nowhere to be found; an issue that has been made all the worse by how I can’t get ahold of her.”

“In that case, I can help out after all.” Phoenix wryly responded. “Franziska’s currently with me and Pearls. She and I-“

“Hold that thought Wright.” Edgeworth interjected as an angry female voice became audible on his end of the call. “For the last time, ma’am, I don’t know where the rest of my party is! I’m currently on the phone with one of them, so if you’ll just wait a minute I- I’m sorry, but that’s no way to speak to a customer…!”

“Curse you Adrian Andrews!” Franziska angrily muttered under her breath as Phoenix and Pearl listened to the maroon-cladded prosecutor’s argument, her cheeks reddening as she glared at the ground. “This is the last time that I foolishly take foolishly foolish love advice from a foolishly foolish fool such as yourself!” And as if on cue, the silver-haired prosecutor felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, which upon pulling it out, was revealed to be caused by Adrian sending her a text message that read ‘Sorry, Bestie!!!! ☹’.

“Sorry about that, Wright. What were you saying?” Edgeworth sighed in exasperation.

“Well, this morning, Franziska told me that you couldn’t make it to lunch today on account of you suddenly getting roped into some huge international smuggling ring case. That’s why she and I had lunch at the café an hour ago.”

“Wait, why would Franziska-“

Fortunately for the silver-haired prosecutor, before Edgeworth could finish his question and figure out her plan, Pearl leapt up from her seat and, with lightning-fast speed that made her appear as a blur, ripped the phone out of Phoenix’s hand, prompting him to reel back as if he was attacked by a shark.

“Stay away from Mr. Nick! He’s Mystic Maya’s special someone, not yours or anyone else’s!” Pearl shouted as she gripped the phone, its frame starting to crack as she used every ounce of restraint she had to keep herself from completely crushing it.

“What?!” Edgeworth shouted, completely caught off-guard by this random outburst.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Mr. Edgeworth! I may have been unfamiliar to pretty much everything outside of Kurain Village until two years ago, but I’m not stupid! I’ve heard all of the rumors going around the courtroom about you and your ‘unnecessary feelings’ and I refuse to stand idly by while you and Ms. Scary Prosecutor Lady try to destroy the beautiful thing that Mr. Nick has with Mystic Maya!”

“Objection! Those unnecessary feelings that I had at that time had nothing to do with romance, but rather deep-rooted guilt and regrets that reemerged after reuniting-“

Enough with your mind games, Mr. Edgeworth! Now if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Nick’s going to be busy with something that he should have done a long time ago!”

Before Edgeworth could further argue against Pearl’s accusations, the young spirit medium ended the call, placed the cellphone down on the nearby desk, grabbed Phoenix’s left arm with her right hand and Franziska’s right arm with her left hand, and proceeded to drag the two adults towards the door.

“Uh, Pearls, where are you taking us?” Phoenix nervously asked.

“We’re going to Kurain Village so that you can declare your love for Mystic Maya! You’ll propose to her, she’ll say yes, and it’ll be beautiful!”

“Then why are you foolishly dragging me along?” Franziska snarled, wriggling about and using her free hand to try to free herself from Pearl’s iron-clad grip, but to no avail.

“You won’t stop trying to steal Mr. Nick for yourself until you see the intense beauty of his and Mystic Maya’s love firsthand! But once you learn that you can't compete with perfection, you can tell Iris, Mr. Edgeworth, and any other vultures that Mr. Nick isn’t for them!” Pearl proclaimed with a triumphant look in her eye as she dragged Phoenix and Franziska into the hallway before closing the door behind them.

Chapter 117: You're a Cold Man, von Karma

Notes:

CT: Since today's the day that DL-6 took place, JP and I thought that it was only fitting to have Gregory voice his thoughts on the deranged lunatic who killed him over a single penalty that probably only depleted 1/16th of his health bar. Originally, I was going to have it where Manfred would be present in the bar and would storm out in a fit of rage after hearing the parody, but that idea was almost immediately scrapped upon realizing that this is Manfred "Retrained the Parrot" von Karma that we're talking about. If he heard his arch nemesis singing smack about him in a public setting, it would be DL-6, only earlier and a lot more open-and-shut.

JP: This was a fantastic break from the courtroom drama, and as always, I can't help but appreciate the creative and humorous way CT brought a touch of levity to the lawful bunch. Who knew our legal eagles had such songbird talents?

Chapter Text

"You're a Cold Man, von Karma"

Sung to the tune of

"You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"

From "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"


When Gregory Edgeworth was a child, while most of his peers wanted to be firefighters, cowboys, or astronauts, he wanted to be a detective. On most nights, after finishing his homework and brushing his teeth, Gregory would hop into bed and lull himself to sleep by reading about the adventures of Herlock Sholmes. Though as Gregory grew older, while he still admired the Great Detective’s use of logic and deduction to solve crimes, he began to gravitate towards another character that appeared in only a few of the books: a Japanese defense attorney by the name of Ryunosuke Naruhodo, an honorable man who fought for the innocent and justice. However, while the courtroom feats of Naruhodo were held in high regard by Gregory’s parents, they- especially his mother- insisted that he continue their family’s proud legacy by becoming a great prosecutor like his paternal and maternal great-grandfathers on his mother’s side, the legendary Barok van Zieks and Kazuma Asogi. So suffice to say, when Gregory insisted that he wanted to become a defense attorney upon finishing law school and passing the Bar, there was a little bad blood in the family, to say the least, prompting him to move from New York City to Los Angeles without a penny to his name, where he built new his law firm from the ground up.

But despite Gregory’s career’s rocky start, he never gave up on his dream of using logic and reason to help those in need. In fact, Gregory’s desire to be a champion of justice grew even stronger over the years as he began to represent clients who were without a doubt guilty of the crimes that they were being accused for, but were just looking for an attorney who would ensure that they’d receive a fair trial. However, while Gregory always tried to see the good in people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, he was no fool. Gregory knew that there were plenty of evil people out there who were beyond redemption, individuals with hearts so clouded with darkness and hatred that they only saw others as steppingstones and committed illicit acts without an ounce of remorse if it meant getting what they wanted. And while Gregory encountered many people like this over the course of his career, none were as bad as Prosecutor Manfred von Karma.

Coming from a family of esteemed prosecutors himself, Gregory understood that it was a prosecutor’s duty to fight for the defendant’s guilt, much like it was his to fight for their innocence. But Manfred wasn’t like other prosecutors- he was much worse. Manfred was a demented perfectionist who didn’t view defendants as human beings, but rather as points in a sick game that he was determined to win through every dubious, underhanded method in the book: forging evidence, omitting vital information, and strongarming the judge to the point of tears, to name a few. But worse than that, Manfred was as stubborn as he was competitive. Over the course of the year that they’ve been going at it in court for the case of Jeff Master, even though Gregory had on countless occasions proven that the police department didn’t have the victim’s body, which had been moved and hidden by some unknown party around the time the crime had been brought to the police’s attention, let alone a solid case against his client, Manfred would keep fighting back with his clearly forged autopsy report that had been ‘updated’ countless times throughout the year to fit his twisted narrative. Hopefully, if Miles ever followed in his footsteps and became a defense attorney, he wouldn’t have to deal with the frustration of having an autopsy report receive 12 updates over the course of a week, with several of them happening only minutes apart from each other.

So when Gregory’s old courtroom rival, Byrne Faraday, called him up out of the blue on December 21st and suggested that they have a guy’s night out at the Wonder Bar, he accepted. Sure, Gregory wasn’t a big fan of going out on the town- especially to bars- but after having to deal with nonstop von Karma-related hell over the course of this year, he needed to shake things up by spending time with someone who wasn’t a megalomaniacal prosecutor. Fortunately, Raymond was available to babysit Miles for the night.

Though while Gregory was in relatively good spirits- especially after Byrne revealed that one of the reasons why he wanted to do this outing in the first place was to tell his rival and friend in person that his wife had recently given birth to their firstborn child- he still couldn’t rid himself of the anxieties that were swirling through his head (how much longer the case would go on for, what underhanded tricks would von Karma use in their next courtroom bout, etc.). And it didn’t help that Byrne was trying to lighten the mood by wanting to play round after round of Would You Rather with him, in which one of the choices always had something to do with Manfred.

“C’mon, Greg, just one more and I promise I’ll stop.” Byrne grinned as he took a sip from the glass of scotch in front of him.

“Fine…” Gregory let out an exasperated sigh as he focused on the glass of water he was drinking, using his hands to slide it from side-to-side to distract himself. “What are my choices?”

“Would you rather clean Grossberg’s toilet after he had lunch at Taco King or have lunch with von Karma?”

“Like you have to ask? The former, hands down. As gross as that toxic waste dump of a toilet would be, as long as I had heavy-duty gloves on my hands and a clothes pin on my nose, I could power through and get it done relatively quickly. But if my time in court with von Karma is of any indication, the latter would be drawn-out and he’d spend the entire time boasting about himself and insulting me.” Gregory explained matter-of-factly with his hand extended outwards.

“At least you only have to deal with von Karma in the courtroom.” Byrne chuckled before taking another sip of his drink. “Imagine working out of the same building as him, where in addition to the flack and showboating that you defense attorneys deal with, you get to hear him complain about the pettiest of things. For instance, von Karma blasts everyone at the Prosecutor’s Office with group emails on a weekly basis about how wearing your prosecutor’s badge on your lapel is “unfashionable” and “a disgrace to the office”. Look, if the guy wants to keep his badge in his pocket, more power to him- just don’t force it on everyone else. That’s why when the missus and I were taking the picture of Kay that I was planning on showing everyone at the hospital, I made it a point to pin my prosecutor’s badge to the lapel of her little onesie.” At this point, the prosecutor was laughing so intensely that he had to pause for a moment to catch his breath. “You should have seen how red von Karma’s face when he saw my baby girl wearing my badge! Hell, even though it’s been a month, he still makes it a point to rant and rave to me about how Kay looked like a disgraceful, unfashionable mess in that photo!”

“You think that’s bad? When we were in court yesterday, instead of debating Master’s innocence- the reason why we were having a trial in the first place- we spent the entire time going back and forth about the existence of Santa; all because a bailiff made a wisecrack about von Karma’s fanatical belief in Santa under his breath. And then there was the CD… Dear God, the CD…” Gregory sighed in exasperation as his pinched the bridge of his nose. “Apparently, von Karma felt that I and everyone else in that courtroom hadn’t suffered enough, because right when court was about to be adjourned for the day, he yelled ‘Hold it!’ and proceeded to play an awful song from this CD that he was trying to sell to us for $20.”

“Not Perfect Christmas!” Byrne slammed his palm on the table, nearly spilling his drink. “And here I thought that he was limiting that tire fire to the Prosecutor’s Office!”

“Oh, that CD was perfect alright…. Perfectly awful.” Gregory wryly remarked with crossed arms. “That CD was the worst thing that I ever had the misfortune of hearing: there was no melody, von Karma was just yelling out the words without even trying to sing, and the lyrics were strangely lewd. I mean, what else am I supposed to think when I hear ‘oh, yum, yum, yum is my candy cane, which I give to the kids as they lick it all day’?”

“No worries, Greg. I got the same vibe when von Karma made me listen to a song in which one of the lines was ‘Santa give me your hohoho, splash me with your Christmas joy all nice and slow’.”

“Now I’m by no means an artist. Heck, I had to call in Raymond to help Miles learn how to fold an origami swan after I wasted an hour trying to do so myself and only had a notebook’s worth of torn paper to show for it. But even someone as artistically challenged as myself could come up with a better song on the spot.”

“Well, in that case why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” Byrne remarked, pointing his thumb towards the stage at the front of the bar, where a giant of a man who was close to seven feet in height- his arms akin to tree trunks stuffed with boulders and a hulking frame that was causing his red polo shirt, which had a prosecutor’s badge proudly pinned to the lapel, to tear a bit- was belting out the lyrics to This is How We Roll by Florida Georgia.

“I don’t know, Byrne…” Gregory responded with a tone of hesitation as he pulled the brim of his fedora over his eyes. “You know that I’m not much of a performer.”

“Aw, c’mon, Greg. Live a little!” Byrne exclaimed as he slapped his friend’s shoulder. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Hmm, let’s see…” Gregory stated with his hand extended outwards. “I could get booed off the state, have trash thrown at me, and/or have an angry jerk jump onstage and try to fight me.”

“I.e. a regular day in court for you.”

“Look, it’s one thing when I take abuse from the gallery and witnesses for the sake of defending my client, but it’s a horse of a different color when I subject myself to that kind of abuse during my free time.”

“Yeah, this is how we ROOOOOOOOOLL!!! YEAH!” The hulking prosecutor roared before spiking the mic into the stage, creating a hole in the spot that it struck. “God bless!”

“T-Thank you, Mr. Newman….” A short, stocky man with a thinning greyish-brown head of hair and a matching thick mustache- his attire consisting of a sweat-soaked white dress shirt, black dress pants held up by a pair of matching suspenders, and a pair of brown loafers- nervously stated as he walked onstage and put a replacement microphone on the stand. “Are there any-any volunteers to go next? Now don’t be shy! C-‘Cause here at the Wonder Bar, anyone can shine like a star!”

“Don’t even think about it, Byrne!” Gregory hissed under his breath as he glared at the prosecutor, whose face had morphed into a mischievous grin.

“Don’t worry, Greg, I won’t force you onstage.”

“Thank you.” The defense attorney bowed as he let out a sigh of relief.

“Yo, Chad! Greg wants to go next but is too weak to get onstage. Mind giving him a hand?” Byrne called out, prompting Gregory to shoot him a death glare.

“Sure thing, Bro-aday!” Chad exclaimed with a big, goofy grin on his face as he jumped offstage and confidently strode towards the table.

“Objection! I-“

But before Gregory could finish his sentence, Chad effortlessly hoisted him up and held him over his shoulder, much like one would carry a sack of potatoes.

“Shhh, it’s ok, little bro.” The hulking prosecutor said in the kind of calming tone that a parent uses with a scared child, complete with gently putting a finger to the defense attorney’s lips, as he strode over to the stage. “You may have baby legs, but that’s alright ‘cause you’re with me now, and I don’t put a bro down until it’s time to put a bro down… which is now.”

With the two men now on the stage, Chad gently put Gregory down in front of the microphone before strutting offstage and heading to a table towards the back of the bar.

“H-Hello, sir. I’m Ned Voss, the- the proprietor of the- the- the Wonder Bar, the- the place that we’re currently in.” Ned stammered as he gave Gregory the sweatiest handshake of his life, prompting the defense attorney to wipe his hand off on his pants as soon as it was released. “S-Sorry about the sweat. I… I don’t do well with crowds, but- but I’m trying to improve. So- so, what song do you want to sing?”

“I know that this may seem like a strange request, but would it be fine if I sang You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch?” Gregory asked, an embarrassed grin spreading across his face as he scratched the back of his neck.

“S-Sure thing, sir!” Ned nodded as he rushed over to a computer backstage and started the song. However, instead of singing along to the words on the monitor on the floor, Gregory decided to sing his own version of the classic Christmas song.


{Gregory}  

You’re a cold man,

von Karma,

You make ice look like fire.

You’re as friendly as a mad bull,

and as tender as a briar,

von Karma!


You’re a haunted house with a…

Gate of barbwire!


You’re a psychopath,

von Karma,

Your soul’s as dark as night.

Your foul breath reeks of sulfur,

You make the Devil feel fright,

von Karma!


You dress like a vampire who…

Burns to ash when exposed to sunlight!


You’re a cruel man,

von Karma,

Your heart’s a dark, cavernous cave.

To the innocents you’re like the Grim Reaper digging their graves,

von Karma!


But if I had to pick between you two,

The Reaper would receive my rave!


You’re despicable,

von Karma,

You’re a cranky, janky shark.

You’re like an angry chihuahua,

With the shrillest of barks,

von Karma!


The three words that best describe you are as follows,

And I quote:

Stank, snark, stark!


You’re a criminal,

von Karma,

You’re a shame to the courtroom.

You do everything to hide the truth and let evil bloom,

von Karma!


Your record is a disgusting mess,

A foul, debauched collection of every sick trick, misdeed, and form of corruption one could imagine,

Engulfed in a dark cloud of gloom!


You disgust me,

von Karma,

With your grimy, slimy, grime.

You’re a dingy, dirty bell with an awful, ominous chime,

von Karma!


Your personality is utterly unpleasant,

And your CD’s a war crime!


Upon finishing the song, Gregory was greeted with a roar of applause from the crowd, prompting him to take a bow before walking offstage and returning to his table. Meanwhile, at Chad’s table, Blaise was laughing his head off.

“Y’know, Gant, I never thought that I’d say this, but I’m glad that you dragged us here tonight!” Blaise cackled as he repeatedly slammed his fist on the table.

“And to think that you were hemming and hawing all the way here about karaoke night only being fun for drunken, middle-aged moms who are desperately trying to look hip.” Gant grinned with a clap of his hands.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but for me, the fun’s gonna be lasting a lot longer, y’see?” Blaise smirked as he pulled a tape recorder out of his pocket. “Especially when I share this moment with everyone in the office on Monday.”

“I don’t know, Bro-beste...” Chad chimed in, his closed eyes directed down at the table. “I know that von Bro-ma isn’t the most popular guy at the Prosecutor’s Office- especially after he started blasting that gosh-awful CD nonstop in the breakroom- but isn’t humiliating him with that song going a bit too far? Heck, I have half a mind to go over to that string bean who sang that song and give him what for- especially since he’s the jerk who’s been giving von Bro-ma so much trouble in court this year.”

“Don’t worry, Chaddy. Manny’s a tough bird.” Gant said in a reassuring tone. “If anything, this’ll drive him do even better in court.”

“Plus it’s funny as hell! But for now, let’s just enjoy the show and see if anyone can compete with that performance.” Blaise stated as he proceeded to play with his lighter.

Chapter 118: You Must Learn to Let it Go

Notes:

CT: Just recently, YouTube decided to put the episode of Moral Orel- a show that I didn’t even know existed until now- featuring the song that this parody is based off of in my recommended videos and the second I heard it, everyone’s favorite scroll-thumping prosecutor instantly came to mind. Though if Nahyuta found himself in the situation that Orel was facing, he'd opt to use that super chop to instantly incapacitate his foe like he did to that one Defiant Dragon in the Spirit of Justice prologue and then proceed to go on a five-hour-long tangent about how they are a horrible person and how they’re going straight to Hell.

JP: The events that happen to Prosecutor Flutterdull AKA Melsa in this song have thus been embraced in my mind as canon. That is all.

Chapter Text

“You Must Learn to Let it Go”

Sung to the tune of

“Turn the Other Cheek”

From “Moral Orel”


“I can’t believe this is happening to me!” Nahyuta growled, squeezing the life out of his steering wheel as he glared at the noontime traffic that was causing his vehicle to creep forward on and off at a snail’s pace. “First, despite my countless hours of preparation, I lost that trial against some oblivious rookie who didn’t even know the most basic details of the case until she entered the courtroom. And now, when my only desire is to go to Burger Barn to get a Southwestern burger with jalapeno jack cheese for lunch after forgoing breakfast to make time for my morning prayers, I’m stuck in this putrid traffic!”

The monk sighed, taking a deep breath as he sighed and slowly shook his head. “Well, at least this day can only improve from here. After all, as the holy scrolls say, ‘The path to the mountain’s peak starts at the valley’s floor.’ Yes, I may have encountered a few hardships today, but with Her Holiness by my side, I will prevail.” Nahyuta smirked, only for his moment of reprieve to be suddenly ended by his cellphone ringing, which he took out of his pocket, only to wince as he saw Inga’s cellphone number on the caller ID. “Though not before dealing with one last hurdle…” Nahyuta groans as he answers the call. “Hello…?”

“Nahyuta, what the hell is up with you lately?!” Inga roared. “First, you botch up Inmee’s trial, allowing that foreign attorney who upset my little girl to make me and the rest of the Ga’ran administration look like a bunch of heartless monsters, and now this- losing a trial to some rookie defense attorney brat and her edgy o-tecku or however the hell you pronounce it prosecutor friend? Why are you doing this to me? Are you like your succubus aunt and thrive off of my pain and misery?!”

“Minister Inga, I deeply apologize to both you and the Holy Mother for my blunders as of lately, but I swear upon Lady Kee’ra’s dagger that none of it has been intentional. Do you honestly believe that I would willingly subject myself and my country to humiliation at the hands of that putrid spikey-haired attorney and his putrid subordinates? I can’t help it that my last few trials have been the epitome of unpredictability and stubbornness.”

“Look, I don’t care what reasons you have for these mess-ups. I just want them to stop because when you screw up like this, Ga’ran gets angry, and when she gets angry, she gets horny, and when she gets horny, I’m stuck hiding out in a janitor’s closet in the Ministry of Justice to avoid her doing things to me below the belt that’ll make me contemplate swan diving off the top of Mt. Poniponi!”

“I understand, Minister Inga.” Nahyuta nodded. “I will do everything in my power to prevent any additional follies on my part.”

“Good. ‘Cause if something like this happens again, I’ll- Oh no…” Inga gasped, his tone suddenly going from intimidating to terrified.

“What’s wrong, Minister Inga?” Nahyuta asked with concern in his voice. “Do you need-“

“Keep quiet!” Inga hissed in a hushed tone. “I think Ga’ran found the closet that I’m currently hiding in!"

“Too late, Inga!” Ga’ran cackled as the sound of a wooden door being thrust open could be heard in the background before being gently closed. “I hope you did not have anything planned, husband, because we are going to be here for a long, long time discussing our nephew’s latest blunder…” The sound of fabric dropping to the floor was heard in the background. “Among other things.”

“NOOOO!!!! HEL-” Inga screamed at the top of his lungs as the call was abruptly ended.

Nahyuta returned his cellphone to his pocket with a sigh as he focused on the traffic ahead of him. “Now this day can’t get any worse. It would be one thing if my courtroom defeats were entirely due to any incompetency on my part. If that was the case, I would simply need to try harder, studier harder, and pray harder, but it isn’t. All of my failures have been the result of the eccentric people and absurd coincidences that surface during the trials that these putrid defense attorneys handle, and trying to control such chaotic absurdities is like trying to control the wind. After all, no string can pull the sun. So what am I to do?” The monk asked, directing his gaze upwards. “Holy Mother, how can I go about solving this issue that plagues me so?”

At that moment, Nahyuta heard his phone go off once again. However, this time, instead of it ringing, it was vibrating, signifying that one of the apps he had installed had put out a notification. So out of a combination of curiosity and a desire for something to take his mind off the traffic that surrounded him, the prosecutor took his phone out of the pocket, noticed that the Take-2 app that he had downloaded in preparation for the State vs. Trucy Wright trial was live-streaming with Roger Retinz from the prison, and clicked on the stream to listen to it as background noise before putting his phone down on his dashboard in order to focus on the traffic.

“Hang… loose, baby…” A stiff female voice awkwardly stated, making it abundantly clear to all watching that this was outside of her comfort zone.

“Olly, I’m hurt!” Roger jokingly responded. “We’ve known each other for, what, 19 years, and yet you’re struggling to say my catchphrase?”

“S-Sorry, Roger…” The woman stammered, pausing to regain her composition. “It’s just that this is a lot to take in- you being arrested and ownership of the studio transferring over to me- and I don’t know if I’m ready for it. I mean, you’re just so charismatic, energetic, and extroverted, while I’m just the awkward girl who likes working behind the scenes. What if the viewers hate me? What if the studio shuts down because I can’t fill your shoes?! What if- What if-” Olly breathing became shallower as it sounded like she was on the verge of a breakdown.

“Wow, if only our younger selves could hear this…” Roger chuckled. “Olly, listen to me, you’ve got this! I have no doubt that Take-2’s in good hands with you around. You helped start the company, you’ve made appearances on several of the shows- heck, there are several fans who ship us together and draw spicy artwork of us, if you can believe it.”

“But… But, I-“

“No ‘buts’, Olly. ‘But’ is for quitters, and you’re no quitter. When that jerk Magnifi kicked me out of his little ragtag troupe for being too real, did I say ‘but… but…’? No, I got off my ass, made the best of things, took control of the situation, and built an empire while Magnifi’s legacy was reduced to some rundown hovel run by a teenage girl that’s practically a hoarder’s den with all the junk lying around. Seriously, I went in there and thought I’d get a disease, it was so messy. And don’t get me started on the fugly-ass red coat that was draped on top of one of the ratty couches… Look, what I’m trying to say is that when life throws you a curveball, you catch it and you throw it right back. And if people are giving you problems due to conflicting personalities, you stand firm and show them that you mean business. You make them think twice before acting like their ways are better than yours. You getting what I’m throwing down?”

“Yes, Roger.” The woman responded, her tone becoming more confident. “Hang tight, folks! O-Olivia Lee here with an interview that you won’t want to miss!”

“There you go!” Roger exclaimed. “You’ve got a flavor at this ice cream parlor called life, so serve it!”

“Of course!” Nahyuta exclaimed, reaching over to pause the stream. “If I’m to quell the storms of chaos that impede my righteous path, then I must go to the source, reforming the putrid minds of those who have wronged me and reshaping them in my image! And I know how to go about doing just that… but first, lunch. After all, the famished yak produces little milk. And before that, I must get out of this putrid gridlock. For the love of the Holy Mother, it’s a green light!” The monk yelled as he honked his horn.


Two hours later, in the Anything Agency, Athena was lying on one of the couches skimming through the latest issue of Oh! Cult! Magazine, a hobby that she picked up thanks to Pearl’s monthly subscription being addressed to the office, as Apollo slaved away at cleaning the toilet.

“Apolooo, I’m bored!” Athena groaned, tilting her head back as she placed the magazine on her lap.

“In that case, how about subbing in for me on toilet duty? Never a dull moment there.” Apollo sighed in discontent.

“Nice try, Apollo. But cleaning the toilet’s not my idea of fun.”

“Well, what about watching T.V.?”

“Nothing good’s on.”

“Watering Charlie?”

“Trucy did that this morning.”

“The aquarium that I wasn’t good enough to go to?” Apollo wryly asked.

“I swear, Apollo, when are you going to let that go?” Athena replied with a hint of irritation in her voice. “Though as cool as it would be to go to the Shipshape Aquarium, there wouldn’t be much to do since about half of the place is undergoing renovations, including the area where Orla’s shows are held.”

“In that case, besides cleaning the toilet and waiting for Trucy to get back from the library with the books she needs for her history report, your only hope for entertainment is for a potential client to come here looking to speak with you.

At that moment, Nahyuta burst into the Anything Agency with a backpack filled to the brim on his back.

“Athena Cykes, we need to talk.” Nahyuta calmly, yet firmly stated as he closed the door behind him and made his way towards Athena, who had decided to sit up and place the magazine she was reading on the coffee table.

“About what?” Athena coldly asked as she scowled at the prosecutor, a question he responded to by bursting out into song.


{Nahyuta}

You must learn to let it go,

Learn to let it go.

You must know that no sin should be allowed to stand or show.

I must rid you of all putridness so your soul can glow.

You must renounce your sins,

Or straight to Hell you’ll go.


“I.e. what you’ve been telling me and Apollo ever since we met. Anything else?” Athena snidely asked as she picked up the magazine.

“Yes, Ms. Cykes. Luckily for you, like the Holy Mother, I am merciful and believe that even the most putrid of souls can be redeemed with enough effort. As such, I have come here today to help reform your life and save you from the fires of Hell, starting with getting rid of this.” Nahyuta stated as he grabbed the magazine, prompting Athena to shoot the monk a death glare as he shook his head disapprovingly while skimming through the pages. “Ms. Cykes, you’re already on thin ice with the Holy Mother. Do you truly wish to further push your luck by reading blasphemous, tawdry text such as this?”

“Do you want me to ram my foot up where the sun doesn’t shine?” Widget angrily beeped, his monitor turning red as Athena ripped the magazine out of the monk’s hands without saying another word.

“Well, I shouldn’t be surprised to receive this reaction.” Nahyuta responded with a smirk, closing his eyes and raising a hand so that an ethereal butterfly could land on his finger. “In Khura’in’ism, we have a saying: ‘A house is only as clean as its messiest room.’ That is to say, a putrid tongue is the product of a putrid mind. Luckily for you, I have brought you some worthwhile literature that your mind and soul will both greatly appreciate.”

Nahyuta proceeded to place the backpack that he brought with him on the ground next to the couch before opening it up and taking out three thick books, which he proceeded to place in a neat stack on top of the coffee table. “Thoroughly read through these books in their entirety every three months, making sure to earnestly say the daily prayers on the first ten pages on the topmost one upon waking up in the morning and once before going to bed, and maybe your soul will be saved.”

“Hold the phone, Sahdmadhi.” Athena snapped. “Just a few hours ago in that courtroom, you were telling me, Simon, and Bucky nonstop that we were going to Hell, as well as had the gallery berate me to use my sensitive hearing against me, and now you come marching into my workplace acting like you have room to say what is and isn’t sinful behavior?”

“Yes. And?” Nahyuta stated matter-of-factly.

“You’re unbelievable!” Athena roared, her fists clenched as she flashed the monk the death glare to end all death glares. “If becoming a ‘good person’ means becoming a big jerk like you, then I’ll take my chances in Hell, thank you very much!” The psychology-loving attorney proceeded to get up from her seat, grab the books off of the coffee table, and drop them on the ground in front of Nahyuta’s feet.

“This must be how the Holy Mother felt when she was spreading Her wisdom to the people.” Nahyuta condescendingly noted as he picked up the books and returned them to his backpack before zipping it up and placing it upon his back. “Many turned Her away because they knew that She spoke the truth, and like how a single point on a wheel touches the rocky road, so too does history repeat itself. But I warn you, Ms. Cykes, just like those who rejected Her Holiness, you too will suffer for your sins. Though unlike them, once your time in the fires of Hell end, you will be reborn in this world as a small, ugly, horned troll, reviled by all who gaze upon your hideous, childlike face and massive forehead; fated to spend your days wallowing in misfortune and human excrement.”

And with that, Nahyuta left the Anything Agency without saying another word just as Apollo exited the bathroom with a toilet brush in hand.

“Don’t worry, Athena. You get used to it.” Apollo wryly responded as his coworker sat down with a huff and proceeded to read from her magazine without saying another word, her feeling of boredom clearly passed.


Later, in the precinct, Ema was busy talking on her cellphone as she was munching from a bag of Snackoos.

“Look, Mr. Edgeworth, I don’t hate Prosecutor Sahdmadhi. He’s calm, he speaks intelligently, and he doesn’t have a legion of screaming airhead fangirls following him wherever he goes, which is a big step up from working with the Fop. But unlike Gavin, I always feel scared exploring possibilities that don’t benefit the prosecution. For example, when he learned that I helped Apollo and Athena when Trucy was arrested, he made me listen to sermon after sermon for several hours straight with no bathroom breaks. And just recently, for having the audacity to help Mr. Wright when Maya was arrest just recently in Khura’in, he did the exact same thing- only this time, it was while we were going through airport security for our flight back here, as well as the first three hours of the flight itself while some demon kid kept kicking my seat. And don’t get me started on that weird constricting rosary that he uses on anyone who gets on his bad side. Sure, Ms. von Karma’s goes crazy with her whip, but at least there’s a rational reason as to why that thing hurts.”

“Thank you for telling me this, Ms. Skye. This, coupled with the complaints that I’ve received from Prosecutor Blackquill regarding his and Athena’s experience in court this morning, definitely warrants me sitting down with Prosecutor Sahdmadhi and discussing his behavior.”

“Thank you, Mr. Edgeworth!” Ema chirped. “Bye!”

With that, Ema ended her call, sitting back in her seat and breathing a sigh of relief after being able to voice her complaints.

“I take it that you enjoyed your conversation at my expense, Detective Skye?” Nahyuta calmly asked as he stood behind Ema’s swivel chair at her tiny desk, prompting her to let out a shriek as she quickly turned around to greet him with wide eyes filled with terror.

“Prosecutor Sahdmadhi! You scared me!” Ema gasped, a hand to her chest as she tried to catch her breath.

“My deepest apologies, Detective Skye.” Nahyuta answered with closed eyes and a raised hand. “Though more importantly…”


{Nahyuta}

You must learn to let it go,

Learn to let it go.

Laziness is a putrid sin that won’t let you grow.

So I’ll save your soul by teaching you all that I know.

Change your putrid ways,

Or your soul will burn down below.


“Me? Lazy?!” Ema snarled as she tossed a Snackoo at her superior, an act which left him unfazed as the chocolatey treat bounced off of his forehead. “How can I be lazy when I spent the last month working nonstop as we kept going back and forth between here and Khura’in? And mind you, Khura’in isn’t some paragon of forensics. If I was the kind of person to not carry around my own supplies, I would've had nothing to work with while I was there.”

“Well, they say that actions speak louder than works. So by that logic, your shortcomings that resulted in my downfall in court today screamed out to the world louder than Mr. Justice with a megaphone.” Nahyuta smirked. “If you had only put in a little more effort, you could have found and analyzed those dumplings in the yard of that theater, as well as performed the proper background checks needed to confirm that performer’s dissociative identity disorder, then you could have avoided bringing shame to me, and by extension the Holy Mother.”

“One, I’m a forensic scientist, not a psychologist. As such, just like you, I thought that Uendo was merely acting in-character because he loves his job- something that I can relate to. Two, as I recall, I wanted to investigate the yard area for the sake of thoroughness, but when I asked you, you refused, told me ‘Why search for sticks in the forest when there are countless on the tree before you?’, and then threatened me with another one of your endless sermons if I continued to press the matter. And three, how could I have been thorough during the investigation on only four hours of sleep since we had just arrived back in the country the day before and I was getting used to the change in time zones?”

“And that is why I told you to take a nap on the plane.”

“Easy for you to say!” Ema huffed, placing a hand on her hip. “You got an entire row to yourself since you bought seats for you, the Holy Mother, and your spiritual energy- whatever that last one’s supposed to mean! Meanwhile, I was stuck in a center seat between a slimeball who was wearing about five tons of smelly cologne and kept asking me if I wanted to join the mile-high club with him and some other creepy guy wearing a porcelain clown mask and no shirt who wanted to stroke my hair nonstop! And if that wasn’t bad enough, there was some screaming little brat who wouldn’t stop kicking the back of my seat while his mother was busy listening to her endless collection of Gavinners songs on her phone while gushing about how hot Gavin is! So excuse me for being unable to sleep in those conditions!”

“Excuses are merely a safe haven for the lazy, Detective Skye. But worry not, for I have come here to free you of this putrid sloth that consumes you.” Nahyuta smirked as he unzipped his backpack and pulled out an especially large scroll.

“No, please! Anything but that!” Ema begged as she took out her bag of Snackoos and began consuming its contents at an alarming rate.

“Ms. Skye, you can either listen to the contents of this most informative of scrolls of your own volition or I can read it to you after I teach you the value of a dollar by trimming your salary. So what will it be?”

Ema merely gulped in response, a look of resignation forming on her face, earning her a nod of approval from the monk as he unfurled the scroll.

“Good. Anyways, ‘The road to Her Holiness’ grace is a long one, my child; but fret not, for I shall never once leave your side as we embark on the Journey of Ten Thousand Steps. The first step is an intense, undying love for Her Holiness, for without Her light, there is no warmth, no wisdom, no joy, or anything, for that matter- just emptiness. The second step…”


Unfortunately for Nahyuta and fortunately for Ema, after being forced to endure four hours of nonstop preaching, she received an escape in the form of Gumshoe calling her cellphone and requesting that she bring him some files.

But this was of little concern for Nahyuta. After all, as Ema’s superior, he could easily have her come to his office and continue the sermon from where they left off. However, before the monk could return to his own office to do just that, he had business to attend to at a different prosecutor’s office, one that belonged to a certain putrid Panda.

Upon arriving at Simon’s office, Nahyuta wasted no time barging into the room without knocking, interrupting the Twisted Samurai from the work that he was doing on his laptop by singing yet another song.


{Nahyuta}

You must learn to let it go,

Learn to let it go.

Her Holiness’ anger towards you overflows.

Whenever you wrong me,

The Holy Mother’s filled with woe.

That’s why your time in Hell,

Will be painful and slow.


“Well, fortunately for me, Prosecutor Sad Monk, you’ll be there to greet me. You see, while you were singing your little ditty, I sent an IM to a certain someone who’s been itching to give you a special lesson of her own since she returned to the country this morning.” Simon smirked with a hand to his chin.

“Is that supposed to be a threat? Because if it is, then your mind is as delusional as your soul is putrid.” Nahyuta closed his eyes and raised his hand, allowing for an ethereal butterfly to land on his finger. “For you see, you putrid panda, as a servant of the Holy Mother, I fear nothing since no being can come close to matching her pow-argh!” The monk grunted as he felt a stinging pain in his back.

Upon turning around to see what had just hit him, Nahyuta was greeted to the sight of Franziska glaring at him, whip in hand, as she entered the office, making sure to close the door behind her.

“Hello, Nahyuta Sahdmadhi.” Franziska growled has she brandished her trusty weapon.

“Ah, Prosecutor von Karma. I have heard many great things about you and am pleased to meet you and your whip.” Nahyuta calmly stated, which did nothing to calm the silver-haired woman.

“Well, it would appear that you haven’t heard enough, Nahyuta Sahdmadhi.” Franziska coldly stated as she walked right up to the monk, prompting him to take a step back. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have tried to send Phoenix Wright to his doom in your country’s death court. You see, Phoenix Wright may be a foolish fool who foolishly relies on bluffing and luck to win his trials, but he’s my foolish fool, and no one, and I mean no one, is allowed to humiliate him or endanger him physically but me!”

“Any endangerment that befell that putrid attorney during that trial was of his own doing.” Nahyuta calmly answered as he closed his eyes and raised his hand in a meditative pose. “’The mouse that rides the elephant’s back is doomed to be crushed.’, an ancient Khura’inese saying that might as well be the motto of Wright’s entire family if his actions in Khura’in are of any indication, as well as how his putrid daughter was performing dangerous magic tricks that led to her being arrested for murder.”

“Simon Blackquill, move your desk to the side. I wouldn’t want to see it get damaged as I send this foolishly foolish fool flying when I give him a one-way ticket to meet this Holy Mother that he keeps going on about nonstop!” Franziska demanded as she readied her whip and flashed the monk an icy glare.

“Not if I send your soul to burn for eternity in the same hell as your putrid father’s first.” Nahyuta sneered as he readied his rosary.

However, despite Nahyuta’s years of physical and spiritual training that had made him quite the formidable foe in combat, he was no match for the wrath of an angry von Karma, a lesson that he learned the hard way as Franziska whipped him unconsciousness before he could even think to defend himself, all while Simon sat back in his sear and enjoyed the show.

Chapter 119: Defend (For Me)

Summary:

JP: I had a blast with the legal lunacy here. Phoenix took the stage, Edgeworth got an unexpected nickname and AA crooning ensued! From feverish crooning to reluctant agreements, this song was a wild ride. I aimed for a mix of unpredictability and varied beats – I hope it hit the right notes for you! Here's to courtroom serenades and spontaneous creativity!
This was a request by PhantomZombie. Thanks for the inspiration and your constant support.

CT: And then Edgeworth immediately regretted substituting for Phoenix after having to deal with Larry's psycholocks during the investigation and his insane testimony in the courtroom. But hey, what are friends for? After all, if you can't count on a friend to take on the craziness and frustration that comes with being you while you're recovering from your love-related ailments, what kind of a friend are they?

Chapter Text

“Defend (For Me)”
Sung to the tune of
“Call Me” by Blondie
from American Gigolo


Phoenix Wright lay in the sterile confines of the Hotti Clinic's ICU, a victim of his own impulsive heroics. His recent escapade involved surviving an 80-foot fall from a burning bridge, leaving him with a high fever and an unrelenting cough. As he grappled with his own recklessness, the defense attorney couldn't help but wonder if he was the luckiest or unluckiest man on Earth.

In the midst of his delirium, the patient’s thoughts turned to Maya Fey, the spirited diviner who had a knack for getting into trouble. Despite the danger he’d faced, he knew he wouldn't change a thing. Love was a powerful force, and he would walk over burning coals for her. However, Miles Edgeworth, Phoenix's logical and by-the-book friend, would never comprehend such actions.

Thankfully, Edgeworth was currently away in Europe, sparing Phoenix from a lecture on the imprudence of his recent exploits. Little did the uninhibited man know that fate had different plans.

Speak, or rather, think of the devil, and he will come.

Materializing out of nowhere, like something out of a fever-induced hallucination, Edgeworth himself suddenly materialized in the hospital room, a mix of exasperation and relief on his face.

Their reunion was interrupted by the patient’s coughing fit, a reminder of his weakened state. Despite his condition, he welcomed his visitor with a silent wave. The magenta-wearer, ever composed, greeted the bedridden one with a nod, acting as if visiting a friend in the ICU was a routine occurrence.

As they exchanged pleasantries, the King of the Turnabout couldn't help but feel grateful that Edgeworth wasn't aware of the full extent of his recent escapades, thinking he would be spared a lecture.

However, Edgeworth, having received a distress call from Larry Butz (now insisting on being called Laurice Deauxnim), knew enough to be concerned about Phoenix's well-being.

Their conversation veered from the Demon Warding Hood to the recalcitrant lawyer’s stubborn refusal to stay in the hospital. The DA, displaying his usual composure, chastised his old pal for his rash behavior. Phoenix, feeling the sinking weight of his responsibilities, insisted on the urgency of his tasks – ensuring Maya's safety, finding Elise Deauxnim's murderer, locating Pearls, and defending Iris.

Winded from his latest hacking fit, the King of the Turnabout lay in the hospital bed, his eyes pleading with the stolid cravat-wearer who stood at the foot of it.

"Edgeworth, I need you to defend Iris for me," Phoenix implored, his voice strained but determined.

The tea-lover raised an eyebrow, a mixture of skepticism and concern on his face. Surely, the high fever his friend had nearly succumbed to as a result of falling into the icy river when the burning bridge had collapsed was toying with his lucidity.

"Wright, clearly, your mind is gone…”

Phoenix winced at the jibe, yet he still pressed on.

“That’s the name of the next song. First, we need to get this long overdue Blondie request over with, assuming Phantom Zombie is still around as an avid loyal reader. The song-fic request was made ages ago, you know.”

Well, rationality, such as it were, anyway. The chess enthusiast chose to ignore this bizarre dialogue, chalking it up to the elevated temperature of the patient, which had seemingly shaken his mind. We both know neither rationale nor logic is the man’s strong suit on a good day, never mind when he’s bedridden in a hospital!

“The point is, I'm a prosecutor, not a defense attorney."

"I know you must think I’m out of my mind …”

“Deranged with fever, I prefer to believe.” The prosecutor had crossed his arms and was already tapping his bicep in his customary impatient fashion. “How else to explain such an outrageous request?”

The spiky-haired man continued with his plea as though his courtroom rival hadn’t spoken.

“…but I simply can't do it. I'm stuck here, barely able to breathe.” His words were punctuated by a wheezing fit that nearly took the wind out of his sails. “You're the only one who can unravel this mess and save Iris. Please, for me. I’m begging you…”


[Phoenix]

Defend for me, Edgey, buddy
Wear my golden star
Prove you’re more than a mean, glaring
Demon prosecutor
I know you’ve got a big heart
Just once can’t you play this part?


What the deuce? Edgey? The prosecutor was more dumbstruck by the unaccustomed moniker than he was by the fact that the same man who could hardly breathe, let alone speak, had somehow gotten his second wind, as though gifted from the heavens, and had changed from sounding as though he had a frog in his throat to crooning like a nightingale! Just how sick is he? He never calls me that!


Defend! (For me) This time!
Defend! Iris for this evil crime
Defend! (For me) I’m begging
Won’t you save me from this plight, my friend?
Defend




Yes, it’s a big favour, Edgey
Push has come to shove
Only you can save that poor nun
Won’t even need to bluff
I’m stuck here cuz I almost died
Without your aid, she’ll surely fry


Defend! (For me) This time!
Defend! Help me keep the truth alive.
Defend! (For me) I’m begging
Innocent people should not do time
Defend


Edgeworth can’t you see this is a sign from the above?
Follow the path you once chose, like Gregory
Justice will prevail, no matter if we slightly bent the laws
You’d be helping both Pearls and Maya Fey
Earn my gratitude till the end of my days




Defend (For me) Edgeworth
Defend for me at the drop of a dime
Defend (For me) lose that pride
Defend her for this evil crime
Defend (For me) help my strife
Defend, this maiden of temple shrine
Defend, (For me) defend, find my former lover’s alibi
Defend (For me) this time
Defend, and I promise I’ll cease to whine
Defend (For me)


Ohhh, defend (for me), mmh-mmh, ah
Defend (For me), Edgey
Defend, (For me) Edgey


 

Nngh! A pox on that nickname! Whenever did I give Wright the greenlight to call me Edgey? I thought that inane sobriquet was something that was strictly utilized by that foolish fool, Larry – whom I’ve also never encouraged to call me that, either! Well, I’ll just chalk it up under the deranged with fever speculation, and blame my own internal grumblings mirroring that of a certain German lady because her mannerisms and vocabulary are signs that we’ve been together a lot longer than I’ve realized…then again, she did shout Eureka! In the bedroom at a particular moment the other night, so what’s good for the gander is good for the goose?

Edgeworth sighed and closed his eyes. "Wright, this is absurd. I can't just switch roles on a whim."

"You did something crazy for love, didn't you?” Phoenix argued, a knowing glint in his navy orbs. “When you followed your heart, and a certain Interpol-bound whip-happy prosecutor to Germany*."

Edgeworth's cheeks reddened, but he didn't deny it. "That was different."

"Is it, really? We're talking about love, loyalty, and doing what's right. I trust you, Edgeworth. I know you can do this," the lovesick victim insisted, a spark of hope in his tired eyes.

The other man looked away, deep in thought. Finally, he met his best friend’s gaze and nodded, albeit reluctantly. "Fine, Wright. I'll do it. But don't think I'm making a habit out of defending people."

A weak smile crossed Phoenix's face. "Thank you, dear friend. I owe you big time."

"Just focus on getting better. We'll talk strategy later," Edgeworth replied, already planning his defense in his prosecutor's mind.

Note to self – pull aside one of the nurses at the station to up Wright’s medications in hopes it shall help quell his obvious delirious state, and I have zero qualms citing the asinine nicknaming as evidence of such!

As his childhood chum left the hospital room, Phoenix couldn't help but mutter to himself, "Defend (For Me), Edgeworth. You won't regret it."

On the other side of the door, the DA raked an agitated hand through his slate-coloured hair and let out a pained groan.

“I still cannot believe I chartered a private jet for this…”

 

*For anyone curious about what the deuce Nick was referring to in his “cryptic” reference to Miles and Germany, check out story #2 in my Turnabout Lawful Lust Series, (technically it’s Part 4!) “The Ties That Bind.”

 

Chapter 120: Countless Ways to be Murdered

Notes:

CT: When it comes to Dahlia, I've always felt like she gives off a different vibe compared to the other manipulators in the series in that while she enjoys the feeling of bending someone to her will before eventually betraying them and leaving them a broken mess or corpse, it wouldn't be her first choice if the situation allowed for it. After all, Dahlia wanted to brutally kill Diego and Phoenix as soon as she could with as little trickery as needed; whereas Kristoph and Manfred were more than willing to play the long game if it meant being able to hide in the shadows.
So when Dahlia was channeled and had free reign to kill Maya without consequence, I can imagine her being like a kid in a candy store and trying to have fun with her vengeance since she could finally let loose and be the cold, sadistic monster that she is without putting on any "Dolly doesn't poop" airs.

JP: CT's analysis of Dahlia Hawthorne's character in "Countless Ways to be Murdered" offers a compelling perspective. Unlike other villains, Dahlia's penchant for direct violence sets her apart, adding a chilling depth to her portrayal. CT's interpretation illuminates Dahlia's unrestrained malevolence, making her a formidable foe in Maya's journey. As always, we're grateful to CT for sharing their insights and contributing to the richness of our fanfiction universe.

Chapter Text

“Countless Ways to be Murdered”
Sung to the tune of
“A Million Gruesome Ways to Die”
From “Billie Bust Up”


To say that Hazakura Temple’s Inner Temple was creepy would be an understatement- the place was small, damp, dark, lacked any heat whatsoever, and looked like it was on the verge of collapsing. In short, it was the kind of place that one would imagine Gumshoe calling home after all of the pay cuts that he took over the years. As for the sacred cavern, the area that the Inner Temple was built around, it was literally a cave that was only slightly bigger than the bathroom at Law Firm that was attached to the building via a surprisingly long, narrow, dilapidated corridor that was lined with scrolls of Maya’s ancestors, the previous Masters of Kurain, which only served to worsen the feelings of inferiority that she felt ever since her aunt’s arrest.

Even before Turner Grey’s murder, Maya knew that beneath her aunt’s formal, polite façade lurked a cold, bitter darkness. Morgan would rarely give a genuine smile and would never laugh, with Pearl being the only person she’d show a glimpse of warmth toward while being quick to throw snide remarks and petty criticisms at anyone who wasn’t Pearl- especially Mia and Maya. With Mia always being so hot-headed and headstrong and Morgan not being one to suffer insubordination from anyone, let alone the eldest daughter of the sister that she despised with a burning passion, it was no surprise that the former’s private training sessions with the latter often devolved into heated arguments that ended with a hard backhand slap from the elder Fey, as seen by the bruised cheek Mia would be sporting at dinner. Whenever Maya inquired about her sister’s injuries, Mia would laugh it off and say that she simply wasn’t watching where she was going and ran into a door. But despite Mia’s best efforts to smile during her toughest times, the thin walls of Fey Manor did little to hide her muffled sobs in the middle of the night from Maya, who herself struggled to sleep in the room next door.

While Morgan protested the idea of Mia leaving the village to become an attorney up until the moment the latter got on the bus to L.A., when the deed was done and the ex-heir to the Kurain Channeling Technique was gone, the former couldn’t help but spend the rest of the day smiling and even singing to herself. At first, Maya thought that despite her aunt’s cold, reserved nature, she was actually happy for Mia for taking the initiative to follow her dreams, but after Grey’s murder, the burger-loving medium realized that her aunt’s glee came from the fact that the biggest threat to her plans was more or less gone, leaving only a young, kind-hearted girl with middling spiritual powers who just wanted to make her clan proud.

While Maya was bubbly, fun-loving, and mischievous, three traits that irritated Morgan to no end, she wasn’t nearly as fiery as Mia, meaning that she enjoyed a slightly more positive relationship with her aunt and never got to experience the infamous Fey Slap firsthand- although there were plenty of times that Maya toed the line when it came to watching cartoons, which Morgan strictly forbid. However, while Maya never experienced the sting of Morgan’s slap, she wasn’t able to avoid her aunt’s harsh criticisms and insults, which she had a seemingly endless supply of. At least once a day, Morgan would voice her disappointment to Maya, telling the young girl that her lack of spiritual powers was an insult to the main family; that one day, the village would see her for the fraud that she was, strip her of her birthright, and give it to Pearl, who was so much better than her in every way. Though sometimes, if Maya was lucky, Morgan would skip the insults and just go straight into a tangent about how perfect Pearl was.

And Morgan was 100% right. Despite spending her entire life training to be the best spirit medium she could be, Maya was being outclassed by a child half her age who was also capable of sprinting from Kurain to L.A. without breaking a sweat, slapping Phoenix unconscious, and charging a magatama with spiritual energy.

And what did Maya bring to the table? She lacked the raw spiritual powers of Ami and Pearl, the wisdom of Hi’kari, Ami’s younger daughter and successor who documented the nature of the Fey Clan’s powers, and the indomitable spirit of her grandmother, Tiana Fey, who inherited the role of Master when she was only eight and held the position without opposition up until her untimely death due to sickness at the age of 46. Sure, Maya memorized every scene from Steel Samurai, Pink Princess, and Nickel Samurai and could eat anyone under the table, but those weren’t the qualities of a respectable master- especially since she was effectively forced into the title. After all, it wasn’t like Maya could go into the middle of Kurain, and tell everyone ‘Hey, you know Pearly, who’s mom got arrested after trying to frame me for murder? Well, I decided that I no longer want my birthright and that it’d be best to saddle all that responsibility on my poor nine-year-old cousin who currently has no one but me.’, flash them a peace sign, and be back at the office in time to make Phoenix buy her several burgers.

That’s why even though her training course was postponed until Iris could come to the Inner Temple and sub in for Bikini while the older nun nursed her ailing back with a warm bath, Maya was taking advantage of her time in the spiritually charged recess of the Sacred Cavern to meditate as hard as she could. In fact, Maya was so focused on meditating that she didn’t hear Iris enter the cavern until the nun made her presence known.

“Hello, Mystic Maya. How are you feeling? I do hope the cold isn’t too unpleasant for you.”

“While I’d rather be curled up under a blanket, watching a Steel Samurai episode, and enjoying a nice, warm cup of cocoa, this is something that I need to do.”

“Good to hear.” Iris warmly replied, closing her eyes and cocking her head to the side as she flashed the spirit medium an angelic smile. “So I take it that you’re ready to begin?”

“Yeah, bring on that ice! ” Maya proclaimed with a determined look, but despite her best efforts, she was unable to hide her nervousness thanks to her trembling fists. “Hey, what’s wrong?” The spirit medium asked, her expression morphing to one of concern as Iris started sobbing.

“I-I’m sorry, Mystic Maya…” Iris sniffled, doing everything in her power to contain the tears forming in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, but due to my inexperience, we’re unable to go through with the Special Course. I know you’re disappointed and hate me, and I don’t blame you. Ever since I could remember, all I’ve ever done was fail those foolish enough to trust me with anything! Stupid Iris! Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!!!”

“Hey now, Sister Iris. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Maya stated in a reassuring tone as she got up off of the ground, walked over to the nun, and patted her on the shoulder. “Take it from me. I’m set to become the master of our clan, yet after 19 years of training, I’ve only ever been able to channel a single spirit.”

“Easy for you to say!” Iris snapped in a whimpering tone, tears streaming down her cheeks as she covered her eyes with her hands. “You’re a spirit medium and the sole living heir to the position of Master. Even if you fail, you’ll always have people in your corner cheering you on- whether out of love for your potential power or fear that they’ll end up with nothing. Meanwhile, I’m just some dumb nun at a rundown temple in the middle of nowhere with all the spiritual power of marshmallows! I-If I can’t even do something simple as lead someone important like you through the Special Course, then what’s stopping Sister Bikini from replacing a worthless hag like me with someone smarter and more beautiful, someone with hair as red as fire and a fashionable sundress that doesn’t make her look as flat as a board?”

“I may not know Sister Bikini all that well, but from what I’ve seen, she’d never abandon you at the drop of a hat. Sure, you may be inexperienced, but what’s important is that you’re trying your best to grow and better yourself. That’s why I’m taking this course. I know that Nick and Pearly will always support me no matter how powerful my spiritual abilities become, but I want to improve myself so that I can be as proud of myself as they are.”

“T-Thank you, Maya…” Iris sniffled, using her sleeve to wipe the tears from her eyes. “While I can’t guide you through the Special Course, I can still take you through the Butterfly Course.”

“What’s the Butterfly Course? Does it involve ice?”

“Not at all. You see, while the Butterfly Course doesn’t increase your spiritual powers as much as the Special Course does, it’ll noticeably improve them despite how little time it takes to complete.”

“Sure. What do I have to lose?”

“Great!” Iris chirped. “First, I need you to hug me and keep doing so until I tell you to stop. I know that this sounds weird, but it’s for your own good. You see, by hugging someone, the spirit medium is better able to contain her power when it spikes during the course.”

“Ok.” Maya nodded as she wrapped her arms around Iris. “Like this?”

“Perfect. Now close your eyes and focus on your spiritual center. Let the world around you melt away as your physical body becomes one with your very soul.”

With another nod, Maya proceeded to shut her eyes and take slow, deep breaths, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t meditate at this moment to save her life- not because she didn’t want to, but rather, as she focused her spiritual power, she was distracted by a feeling that something was… off.

Maya couldn’t exactly put her finger on it, but she was suddenly getting a strange vibe from Iris as if her very being was composed of two different souls. As the medium thought about it, she realized that she felt something similar when she hugged Mia while she was being channeled by Pearl, but why would that be the case here? Unless Iris somehow died sometime in the last hour, it would be impossible for her to be channeled. And even then, who would be channeling her? But arguably the biggest question that was causing Maya to be overwhelmed with a chilling dread was why the more dominant presence, the soul that was being channeled, had such a sinister aura- the color being akin to tar mixing with dried blood- and why it was harshly conflicting with the weaker one, the soul belonging to the body being used for the channeling, which had a benevolent energy. It was as if the person being channeled wanted to…!

Maya had to get whoever the hell was hugging her away from her NOW!

With a swift push, Maya was able to put some distance between herself and the woman that she thought was Iris, who was brandishing a knife in her hand and wearing a sinister grin, before turning around and rushing out of the Sacred Cavern as fast as she could. Though unfortunately for the burger-loving medium, despite her best efforts, the deranged woman posing as Iris was catching up to her.

“Why are you running, Maya? Don’t you want to spend a little quality time with your long-lost cousin Dahlia before I reunite you with your meddlesome skank of a sister?” Dahlia called out in a mocking tone as her maniacal laughter, which was as cutesy as it was creepy, filled the air. “Well, if you’re worried about dying, as someone who has firsthand experience in that subject, I can tell you that it’s not as bad as you think- IT’S MUCH WORSE!!! Don’t believe me? Oh, spirits from beyond the grave, why don’t we take advantage of this place’s rich spiritual energy to teach Mademoiselle Fey here how there are countless ways to be murdered..!”

With that singsong call-to-arms, numerous ghosts materialized throughout the dim corridor that Maya was running through, prompting her to scream out in terror as Dahlia proceeded to start singing.


{Dahlia}

Don’t think that you can run from me,

You foolish, naïve brat!

I’m way out of your league,

And will crush you like a gnat!

I’ll end your dreams with my knife’s gleam..!


{Ghosts}

You’ll join our ranks with one last scream!


{Dahlia}

It’s only a matter of time before you go kersplat!


There are countless ways to be murdered!


{Ghosts}

Fear on your face!


{Dahlia}

I’ll enjoy ending your life with brutal grace!


{Ghosts}

You’ll be the center of a case!


{Dahlia}

There are countless ways to be murdered!


{Ghosts}

You won’t endure!


{Dahlia}

And with your death, I’ll put your sister in her place!


{Magnus McGilded}

Burning in an omnibus is just a hot mess,


{Russel Berry}

And being conked by Max’s bust is a fate to detest.


{Glen Elg}

Someone could poison your coffee,


{John Wilson}

Or water in the case of me,


{Asa Shinn}

Or slipped into your drink by a barbaric nation’s press.


{Ghosts}

There are countless ways to be murdered!


{Jack Hammer}

How about impaled on top a fence?


{Ghosts}

She’ll enjoy ending your life with brutal grace!


{Robert Hammond}

Shot over my great defense!


{Ghosts}

There are countless ways to be murdered!


{Terry Fawles}

With Dahlia, death’s ensured.


{Dahlia}

I’ll put your meddling sister in her place!


{Cindy Stone}

What if some low-life coward bashed your brains in with The Thinker?


{Duncan Ross}

Or getting gassed in your sleep with nary a whisper?


{Doug Swallow}

How about your deranged ex ending you with a live wire?!


{Odie Asman}

Or your blackmail victim stabbing you with Andrew the Screwdriver?


{Turner Grey}

Shanked with a fruit knife and shot by a selfish ex-nurse!!


{Dustin Prince}

But pushed off of a ledge by Richard Wellington’s much worse.


{Dahlia}

I could stab you on a bridge!


{Valarie Hawthorne}

Betrayed by that wretched midge!!


{Di-Jun Huang}

My body double stole my life and is my country’s curse!


{Ghosts}

There are countless ways to be murdered!


{Byrne Faraday}

Stabbed in more ways than one by Yew.


{Ghosts}

She’ll enjoy ending your life with brutal grace!


{Mack Rell}

She ended me right after you!


{Ghosts}

There are countless ways to be murdered!


{Dahlia}

Your murder is my last hurdle,

Before I put your sister in her place!


{Bruce Goodman}

Saw my end in an evidence room!


{Ghosts}

You’ll die!


{Juan Corrida}

A wraith named de Killer was my doom!


{Ghosts}

You’ll die!


{Isaac Dover}

Hit in the head with a rock salt lamp!


{Ghosts}

You’ll die!


{Pop Windibank}

Gunned down after subduing some thugs like a real champ!


{Ghosts}

Cry,

You’ll die!


{Kane Bullard}

Zvarri was the sound of my knell!


{Ghosts}

You’ll die!


{Tobias Gregson}

That loony judge didn’t make my death swell!


{Ghosts}

You’ll die!


{Dahlia}

I can’t wait to see you join me in Hell!


Maya tried; she truly did. She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, toughing her way through the burning pain of the frigid mountain air filling her lungs and stinging her skin while being bombarded by surprisingly-well-choreographed lyrics by a bunch of ghosts that she didn’t even know, with a few exceptions. But unlike Phoenix, who always managed to find a way out of any situation, no matter how grim, the burger-loving medium’s luck ran out as she hit a dead-end in the Inner Temple’s garden, with her only option at this point being to press her back against the nearby stone lantern and pray for a miracle. And, as if on cue, while Dahlia was distracted with her song, Maya saw three familiar rows of red lights approaching the murderous spirit from behind.


{Dahlia}

I’ll put your meddling sister in her-


{Klint van Zieks}

Join your family in this place.


{Dahlia}

I’m putting your sister in her plaaaaaa-ACK!!!


Maya squeezed her eyes shut as she braced herself for her untimely demise, hoping that the cold air that was freezing her to her core would numb her to the intense pain that would be the last thing that she’d ever feel. However, instead of the sharp pain of a knife piercing her flesh, Maya felt a warm, sticky liquid splashing her in the face, prompting her to open her eyes to the sight of Dahlia with a blade protruding from her torso that was being wielded by none other than Mr. 17 Cups of Coffee himself: Prosecutor Godot.

“Not before I send you back to your place in Hell!” Godot snarled as he plunged the sword that he was wielding deeper into Dahlia’s chest.

“You first!!” Dahlia roared, using the last of her strength to slash at Godot’s face with her knife, prompting the prosecutor to scream out in pain as the lights from his mask went out, leaving the area cloaked in darkness. With Misty’s body succumbing to the fatal wound, Dahlia’s spirit was exorcised from it as it fell to the ground in front of Maya, who in turn immediately fainted as a result of being overwhelmed by everything that had just transpired.