when thorin and his company stumbled along those trolls he had never expected to feel this way. but bert was jsut so HOTTT
he heard him speaking of "people meat" but the only meat thorin wanted him to eat was his ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). thorin wanted to do the same to him. after all he was thiccer than the bowl of oatmeal gandalf had refused to eat the day before.
all thoughts of smaug were out the window. bert ws the only thing on his mind, and when the company suggested bilbo do something, thorin said that he would take care of this.
it was better than anything he couldve imagined, especially when bert pretended to be his mother. thorin and bert had the secx for six house and it guuuuuud.
the next day bert and the other trolls were gone and thorin cried for two whole days until bombur punched him and said that bert wasnt even that thique anyways. and so everyone thought it was all over and the quest could continue normally, as would life.
BUT THEY WERE ALL WROng
JUST before they got to dale and the lonely mountain it turend out thorin was pregangte!!! by BERRT/1!! how was this POSSINFWELIF????
bilbo said he had to do aborshun but THORun wantred to keep it! AND BILBO VAS RAGE
but thorin held true, and gandalf helped deliver le bbabbyy. all was well untill suddenly bert showed up! at the lonely mountain!! and he killed smaug with his bare fists!!!!
bert said: "i did it for u my love <3333" and throin said "ojj show me what else u can do wit thos fisties ;)))" AN Dbert did. thorin said it was best sexey time he ever had and babby was only slightly neglected
and so they lived happlu ever after except samug he was dead