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Selfish for Once

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Emma rushed into her husband's office, interrupting his work. “I need to go to Misthaven as soon as possible, my brother and Snow have gotten into a serious argument and he's pleading me to intervene” Unable to give her his full attention, her husband continued his revue of the document he was handed by his assistant as he waited for him to sign it “How long will you be gone my dear ?”

“I believe I won't need to be away for more than a few weeks, I have asked for my luggage to be readied and I should be able to leave tomorrow” Emma stated resolutely.

Lowering the report he was reading, he asked everyone present in the room to give them a couple of minutes and closed the large wooden doors “ So soon ?” he looked at her shocked and puzzled.

“I did say I needed to leave soon, Neal” Emma answered, a witty smile on her face.

“Did you tell Henry ?”

“I did, and he'd like to accompany me and see his cousin in Misthaven” she said her heart full of hope.

Neal considered her request “ I don't think it's a good idea Emma, I cannot permit it, the boy needs to follow his tutor's lessons more thoroughly, and as I do recall, an exception was made not that long ago and it's for that reason that I have to insist on him staying”

Huffing and staring at the floor for a moment, Emma looks back at him and nods “I know you're right, but that makes me very unhappy”

“It will only be a few weeks, you said so yourself ” Neal smiles at her before opening the door and letting everyone back in.

Emma married Neal at eighteen when he was 38, giving him a son soon after. Although their marriage was one of convenience, she developed affection for him and didn't consider herself as an unhappy wife but rather as a lucky one, for at least she got along well with him and liked to consider him as a friend despite their age difference. Most of her friends and acquaintances had married or remarried out of convenience, for wealth or for a title. She could count those who married out of love on one hand and her brother was one of them.

**

“ Et ici ? ” (and here ?) Liam asked the maid as he kissed her neck. She hummed in approval, urging him to move lower, which he did. Kissing her shoulder and continuing his journey down while his hand lifted her skirts, his hand touching her naked thighs and moving upwards.

Regaining her wits, the maid stopped his hand “ Monsieur, votre mère ne va pas tarder à rentrer, je ne veux pas qu'elle nous surprend dans cette position” (Sir, you're mother will be back soon, I don't want her catching us like this)

“Ne t'en fait pas, son train n'arrivera pas avant ce soir, c'est surtout de mon frère dont on devrait ce méfier, mais il n'est pas encore à la maison” (Don't worry, her train won't be back before tonight, we should rather fear my brother, but he's still not home) he said waiting for her to make up her mind.

“Ne l'est-il pas ?” (isn't he ?) Killian said pushing the curtain they were hiding behind back and giving them both the fear of their lives.

Excusing herself, the maid ran away embarrassed and hoping no one else finds out about the dalliance.

“ Did you really need to do that Killian ?” Liam sighed in frustration at his brother's behaviour before rubbing his face with his hands and taking a deep breath. “You almost killed the poor thing in embarrassment”

“ Should have thought about this possibility before initiating anything behind the curtains in the library, anyone could have came in and heard her moans, she's lucky I'm the one who interrupted you. Were it anyone else, she surely would have lost her position”. Despite his popularity with women, Killian was not a man too fool around. He was what his older brother liked to say an “honorable man” who valued good form above all, when he himself has abandoned it long ago. Still, Killial couldn't believe his brother's foolish behaviour.

He had seen him act recklessly before but it seems like the more he grew up the more reckless he became, almost defiant. He liked to break social norms and never cared about his reputation, thankfully he had a brother and a father willing to do anything or pay any amount of money to hush down any rumor or scandal he was part of, not only for their sake, but also for their mother's sake, who still saw her sons as her cute little boys who could never do wrong.

“ What do you want Killian ? Did you interrupt us for a purpose or just for the sake of interrupting ?” Lian said moving from behind the curtain and sitting on a comfortable chaise in front of the fireplace. Killian followed him “ No, I was actually looking for you. I believe mother would want to go to the Opera tonight before Regina's reception, will you join us ?” his mother loved the opera and ballet and she would always take her boys with her when she would go as they grew up.

“ Of course” he said without a second thought. “What about father ?” he asked already knowing the answer. Killian sighed looking at him, and it was the only confirmation he needed.

“He said he'll attend Regina's reception though,”

“Wonderful, I can't wait” Liam said sarcastically before leaving the room with an ironic bow to his brother.

**

Nearing the city, Emma stared at the little portrait of Henry she always kept with her, she already felt like she missed him. Emma could not believe he was 10 already, time passed so quickly. She loved her son above all, sometimes she felt like he was the only one in the world to truly understand her, and she him. They both craved adventure and knowledge, and they both felt out of place in the small town where they lived.

“That's my son, Henry, it's the first time I leave Glenheaven without him” Emma handed the portrait to the lady sitting in front of her on the train. She looked at the portrait and smiled affectionately, “he's such a handsome young man, you must be proud of him.”

“I am, he just turned 10 last June and he already acts and thinks like a grown up.” Emma could not believe he was 10 already, time passed so quickly. “ I'm sorry I haven't presented myself, I'm Countess Emma Cassidy”

“I'm Princess Alice Jones.” she bowed her head gracefully at Emma. “ I am actually joining my sons in Misthaven, I expect an engagement might be in order soon” The lady smiles excitedly before adding “I don't believe I have seen you before dear”

“I rarely go to Misthaven I'm afraid”

“That's a shame, I'm sure Misthaven society would be fond of you”

Time passed by quickly as the two ladies talked about their sons, literature and their travels around Misthaven and the Enchanted Forest. Countess Cassidy told her about her Henry's fascination with fairy tales and mythology and Princess Jones shared stories about her sons growing up.

When the time came to leave the train, the two women embraced. “Well I hope we get to meet again soon Miss Cassidy” Alice said before exiting the wagon. Feeling cold, Emma closed her white fur coat and looked through the window for her brother but instead found herself staring at Alice as she joined a young man she assumed was one of her sons. Turning around, the man's blue eyes caught hers and wouldn't let go for what seemed like eternity, but was actually 5 seconds.

“Emma ! Oh how I missed you little sister” startled, she turned around and saw David running to her, squeezing her with all his strength before letting her go. “I can't believe you actually came, it's been so long ! Too long” recovering from her surprise, Emma smiled genuinely at her brother.

“I wish I could have came sooner brother” Emma said, regaining her breath after being nearly chocked. She really loved spending time with her brother and her sister in law, Snow. It was always a pleasure seeing them and their son, Leopold. “How is Snow and Leo ? Are you still not talking ?”

“I'm afraid she still won't talk to me, she doesn't appreciate my decision to join the army in the prospect of an impending war” David looked preoccupied, he understood his wife's objection was based on her fear to lose him, had he been in her place he would have reacted the same, however he had to think of his country and his duty.

“War ? David” Emma kicked him on the shoulder “ Why are you joining this foolishness ?”

“Emma, I can't just sit around and wait for Arthur to invade our Country”

“No David, but you could have contributed to the war effort by any other mean, you could have made a donation or built a hospital for the injured” Emma felt a mixture of disappointment, pride and concern. She never doubted her brother's bravery – she saw it first hand when she foolishly jumped in the freezing water to save a little boy from dawning and he jumped to rescue the both of them, saving her and catching a cold that almost took his life at only 13 – but she couldn't deny that his will to save his country and countrymen will undeniably result in the death of some other.

“Leo is excited to see you, he has been asking about you and Henry a lot lately, says he can't wait to show you how grown up she is no” David changed the subject as Emma climbed with him in the carriage, and she decided to let it drop for now.

Chapter Text

Snow sat quietly in their library, lost in thought with a book in her hands. She kept reading over and over again the same paragraph and not being able to focus fully, she was too preoccupied to give anything her full attention these days. How could she when her husband took a decision that would change their lives forever without consulting her first.

“Snow, would you rather play cards with me ? It could distract you better my dear friend” Countess Ruby said hoping Snow would stop pretending she was reading this book and talk to her instead.

“I know how terrifying it could be being in love with a soldier, I understand your worry, but you have nothing to fear, we are not in war, we may not even need to be at war, David only enrolled just in case there is one. I am sure no army would be foolish enough to attack us, we outnumber them all”

Snow looked up, “With all due respect Ruby, you knew he was a soldier when you married him, I didn't. Not only am I worried about this possible war being fatal to him, but I am also mad at him for taking this decision without asking me what I thought of it, without thinking of me and Leo” she stood up and started pacing around, feeling tears forming in her eyes. “I wish I was given the chance to try to convince him otherwise”

Ruby sat in silence, watching her friend overuse her floor from frustration.

“I knew I'd find you here, you always turned to gardening or reading when you felt overwhelmed”

“Emma !” Snow shouted excitedly, embracing her for a long minute before Emma realized her sister in law was crying.

“It's alright Snow, it's alright, everything will be alright” Emma didn't know what to say or how to comfort her. When she found out what her brother had done she was upset too. But she knew now was not the time to be angry, no one knew if a war would actually break or not.

When Snow calmed down, Emma took her to the sofa and sat beside her “ Listen to me Snow, David is right here, there is no need for you to panic, he's fine and there is no war” Emma said. “ I know how infuriated you must be at him because I am infuriated at him too, and we'll deal with this later, now you need to take a deep breath and allow him back to your chambers”

“She's right Snow, you can't solve anything if you refuse to allow him near you or your marital bed, you need to talk and sort this out together” Ruby added.

After a couple of minutes Snow seemed to calm down, she nodded and looked at Emma “I'll do this for you Emma, I know you came all the way to Misthaven for us, and I am very grateful for that. I know David called upon you to convince me to talk to him but I have hope you might persuade him to find a way to undo his foolish deed one way or another”

Emma could only hope it was possible.

Snow wiped her tears “Oh ! Where are my manners ! Emma, this is my dear friend Countess Ruby, she's staying with us for winter” snow said, a smile finally forming on her face “ Ruby, this is my sister in law, Countess Emma”

Emma and Elsa presented themselves to each other, the conversation moving to happier matters before they all agreed to go to the opera tonight to change their minds.

**

Emma had missed going to the Opera with Snow, there were no Operas in Glenhaven, actually there weren't many things in Glenhaven, the city lacked the sophistication and elegance of a big city like Misthaven.

Entering their box, the group was met with a young soldier in his early thirties with curly chestnut hair “ Had I known you were coming, I would have taken a bigger box” David said, hugging the young man.

“It's a good thing I got one of my own then” he said taking snow's hand and kissing it “ Snow I see you've finally forgiven this poor fool”

“Forgiven ? No ! But we called truce for the night, it would have been a shame to miss the last presentation of Onegin of the season when my sister in law – who came all the way from Glenhaven – loves Opera so much. Captain Liam Jones, This is Countess Emma Cassidy, David's sister and my guardian angel” Snow said holding Emma close.

“Pleased to meet you Countess” Liam kissed her hand “ I hope you enjoy tonight's performance, I personally love it, once again, Tchaikovsky outdid himself”

“I am sure he did, he's amazing, isn't he ?” Emma said before asking “Captain Jones ? Would you be Countess Alice Jones's son by any chance ?”

“That I would be indeed, I gather your the lovely countess who met my mother in the train this morning”

“Yes, she talked a lot about you and your brother, I was hoping we would meet again, she was such sweet company”

“Well you'll be pleased to hear she's with me tonight, I am sure she would be delighted to see you again” Liam said before turning to the whole group “ will you be at Princess Regina's reception tonight ?”

“ of course we will, I never miss a reception” Countess Ruby said.

Chapter Text

In a box on the other side of the Opera, Killian lead his mother to the front seat and sat beside her. Looking around, he spots the blond lady from the train. He watches her talk, smile and laugh, unable to divert his eyes from her beauty and grace as a man – no, not any man, Liam – kisses her hand. Did Liam know the Swan-like lady in white fur he saw at the train station ? He observes her for a moment, intrigued by her and the feelings she wakes in him, feelings he never thought he could feel again, not after 5 years of numbness and coldness. When the Swan – as he liked to call her – turned around, their eyes met and once again he found himself under her spell, unable to look away, feeling his soul opening up to hers as hers opened up to his.

“ Killian, are you even listening to me” His mother said as she touched his shoulder. Killian turned at his mother “ I'm sorry mother, I was a little distracted, could you repeat please”

“ I was telling you that the young lady with Countess Ruby and Snow was David's sister, Countess Emma Cassidy, Neal Cassidy's wife. The lady I had the pleasure to make acquaintance with today in the train. What a lovely lady, a real sweetheart”

Killian felt a pang in his heart, the Swan was married.

faking nonchalance, Killian looked elsewhere, hoping his mother didn't see his disappointment.

Looking around the boxes, Killian's eyes caught a familiar face, and a different set of eyes, with different emotions and feelings. Killian felt like he was choking and looked elsewhere, trying to reign in his inner turmoil.

Alice felt the switch in her son's demenour and looked in the same direction her son did, painful memories coming back to her as realization hit her.

The two sat in silence, both lost in thought. After a long moment, Alice put her hand on her son's shoulder to bring him back to her. “ Let's not dwell on the past and it's ghosts Killy, you still have a bright and happy future waiting for you” she held his hand in support as Liam came in the box and sat beside her.

“ Is everything alright ?” Liam asked.

“Yes Liam, everything will be alright” she held his hand with her other hand and squeezed both of them. Killian smiled sadly at his mother before turning to the podium as the curtains were being lifted.

**

Emma couldn't follow the intrigue of the Opera, her mind consumed by the man with the sad blue eyes sat across from her. Every now and then she'd take a look at him and every now and again he'd look back and their eyes would meet again before separating.

Is he looking back at me because I can't seem to stop looking at him ? I wonder why he looks so sad all of a sudden Emma thought.

**

Killian couldn't stop looking at Emma, he felt under her spell, and he didn't want to escape.
Does she feel like she can't take her eyes off me too or is she looking at me because I'm staring at her ! No of course she's looking back because you're staring at her like you fool ! He thought. One thing was for sure, thinking about her made him forget all about the other occupants of the Opera and even the Opera itself.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

 

“Oh how I missed coming to those receptions, I know it hasn't been for long but visiting my sister in Glenhaven for a month feels like forever” Alice Said to her Husband, Admiral Brennan Jones.
Brennan smiled at his wife and kissed her hand.

“Did you see David's sister” Liam asked Killian, “I didn't even know he had one” Killian answered quickly before adding “ She seems nice”.
Brennan interrupted their discussion, “Son, what do you think of Countess Tinker Bell of Neverland ?” Admiral Brennan Jones said, pulling his son in a private corner in the room.

“ I find her dull and extremely unpleasant, why are you asking ?” Killian knew what his father was hinting at, a marriage proposal.

“Well, I think she would be a great match for you” Brennan said. “She has everything a man can dream of, a title, youth, wealth and beauty and her father and I are good friends”.

Killian disagreed with his father internally, he thought she lacked a set of expressive green eyes, a neck to die for... and a husband. Killian quickly chastised himself for thinking this way of a woman he only knows the name of and who happens so be married.

“so, what do you say son ?”

“As you please father” Killian said, still feeling guilty of his earlier thoughts.

“ I knew you'd see eye with me, you're my good son, my pride, I knew you'd never disappoint me or let me down ” Brennan patted his son on the back before joining his wife who was now chatting with other guests.

Joining his brother, Liam couldn't help laughing at his brother's shocked and saddened face “ You've agreed didn't you, you fool ! When will you finally grow balls and do what you want and not what they want ?” he asked without expecting an answer, feeling sorry for his brother but also wondering if he'll spend all his life this way.

“ I don't want to talk about it, why don't we talk about something else” Killian said

“Oh, well, let's see, I told you about the Baroness hosting a private party at her hotel after this one later didn't I”

“ Yes but I'm not one for gambling or women, or drinking excessively, you know that” Killian answered.

“Of course not, I forgot you're a monk” Liam said before being interrupted “ who's a monk” The two brothers turned around and where met with David, his wife and his sister.

“Nice to see you again Countess Cassidy” Liam said, “ I present to you my little brother, Lieutenant Killian Jones”

“YOUNGER brother” Killian said before kissing her hand, his eyes wandering near hers and lingering a couple of seconds too many.

“Are you officially joining the monastery” David said, laughing, unaware of the exchange between his sister and Killian.

“ No another kind of jail, a jail of the marital kind” Liam laughed with David before he meet snow's angry glare and stopping.

“ Is it true ?” Emma asked, feeling sad but unable to justify why she felt this way over the news of a man she just met's possible engagement.

“ Well it might be, I don't know, I am not sure” Killian scratched his ears before realising he was left alone with the Swan.

“Are you not sure because she might not accept or because you don't know if you agree ?”

“ A bit of both I guess” he scratched behind his ears again. Emma found it very cute and endearing. I'm a married woman, I shouldn't find another man endearing, nor should I find anything he does endearing or cute ! Emma Thought looking away

“I'm sorry, have I offended you ?” Killian asked at the sight of her diverting her eyes.

“No, of course not.” She said, looking back at him and getting once again lost in his eyes.

As the music begun everyone moved around either to dance or to give the dancers room.

A man approached Emma with a predator like smile “Hello Countess Cassidy, you may not remember me, I'm general Jafar, your husband and I used to be in the army together” He said before taking her hand and kissing it.

“Yes I remember you General, you came to our wedding” Emma said, hoping he wouldn't ask her to dance. Unfortunately for her ...

“May I have this dance Countess” Jafar asked.

Emma stood there, unable to say no but unwilling to say yes. Thankfully she wasn't alone.

“I'm afraid she granted me this dance General” Killian came to her rescue after noticing her helpless eyes. He knew the general, he was one of his father's acquaintances, a man his father despised for being calculating and manipulative.

Emma smiled at Killian, her eyes thanking him.

They joined the dancing couples into a valse, their eyes once again unable to divert from one another, everything faded around them as they gave themselves to the rhythm of the music and to each other's souls. Their eyes spoke of their own, telling each other how much they enjoyed their dance and how much they enjoyed each others presence.

Emma couldn't remember a time she was this happy, this carefree.

**

“It seems like your brother and my sister have been dancing forever” Liam said to David interrupting their discussion about a possible war while snow talked with Countess Ruby and Princess Anna of Arendale.

“People are going to start talking” David said, worried “I'll go separate them” he said taking a step before Liam stopped him “ No one is going to talk, don't worry about her, she's dancing with my monk of a brother, no one is safer than her in this city” Liam said laughing at David.

**

Emma and Killian danced and danced and then some more, in silence, their eyes doing all the talking as if they've known each other for ever, sharing secrets and fears, their eyes never moving from one another. They danced until the music stopped and David lightly dragged Emma from the dance floor and brought her back to the side of the room.

“ Emma, what are you doing ?”

“Dancing David, you should try it sometime” Emma answered humorously

“Emma you've been dancing for 2 hours with the same partner, a man who's not your husband, how do you think this looks like ?” Emma started noticing people taking quick looks at her and talking among them.

“You see Emma, they're already gossiping, I heard Baroness DeVil say you've obviously fallen for the wrong Jones' to cheat with”

Emma felt infuriated “ Well she should talk about her own business, I'm not going to prevent myself from having fun just to please the likes of her”

“It's not to please her but to please me and your husband, this could tarnish all of our reputations, don't be selfish”

“It's just dancing David, you're making a deal out of nothing, and I'm not in love with him, I just met him !” Emma said defensively. “All I ever did was to please father, you and Neal. Lieutenant Jones asked to dance and I obliged, that's all, there is nothing nor will there be anything more to it” Emma stormed away from her brother, away from the room, and into the gardens, feeling she needed to think about that long day.

**

“What just happened ?” Killian joined his brother after David dragged away his sister from the dance floor.

“David feared for his sister's reputation, that's what, you've been dancing for the better part of two hours without changing partners and Cruella was gossiping.” Liam said dragging his brother outside in the gardens.

“Killian, you're an honorable man, I know you'd never do anything to hurt your or her honor but please brother, abstain from falling for a married woman, stay away from complications”

“Why would you even think I'm falling for her, I just met-” “Because I know this look in your eyes, I only saw it once before and it didn't end well” Liam said leaving his brother in the gardens to think some more.

Chapter Text

Emma heard people talking from afar …

“Why would you even think I'm falling for her, I just met-” “Because I know this look in your eyes, I only saw it once before and it didn't end well”

Looking at where the voices where coming from Emma saw Liam leaving Killian with an angry look on his face and Killian following behind him.

What did he mean by falling for me ? Emma thought, Why does that makes me feel happy ? As he said. we only just met and I'm married and shouldn't think this way about another man, besides I'm happy, Neal is a good man and a good husband, he loves me and I am much luckier than many of my friends in my position. And there's Henry, what would Henry think of me should he know I thought this way of another man than his father ?!

Emma started rushing back indoors before anyone noticed Killian and her were outside or there would really be grounds for gossip. But as she moved she walked into a large dark figure and fell on the floor.

“I'm sorry Countess, I did not see you there, I followed you seeing how mad you looked at your brother thinking you might want to talk” Said Jafar.

“Thank you general but I'm ok” she said dryly, she still saw the hungry look on his face and smelled the strong stench of alcohol on his breath from far. Standing up with his help, she rushed back strolling inside when he grabbed her hand.

“what about a little walk, the night is young and you look like you might need some distraction”

“No ! I should go back inside, my brother must be looking for me and I don't want him to worry”

“Come on, I know what you came out here to do, you came looking for that Jones boy, the pretty one, the young one with whom you danced all this time. I'm going to save you some time, you're not his type, and even if you were, he wouldn't know how to take care of you as I would”

“Let go of my hand or my husband shall hear all about this encounter General !” Emma ripped her hand out of his, slapped him and walked away.

“Cruella dear you can come out, I know you're lurking for gossip out here in the shadows” Jafar said rolling his eyes and turning around to face Cruella who was indeed hiding in the bushes.

“I see your charms didn't work on her General” She said, coming close to him and making advances on him, to which he answered with a fierce kiss, holding her by the arms.

“Cruella dear you're pathetic” He said once the kiss was over, “I already had you, and I will have you again, I haven't had any of her though. I bet she's a real fire in bed” Jafar let go of Cruella.

“You're as likely to have her as I to have him” She answered.

“Well then, it's a bet my dear, but what should we bet on”

“What about that nice snake of yours, I need a new purse and I'm sure he'd be the perfect size”

Jafar hesitated at first there is no way she wins, Extending his hand he answers “I agree, and if I win I want that tiara you stole from the empress”

“what tiara ?”

“The one you framed the servant with. Remember ? The one who didn't want you to have her Dalmatians”

“Alright fine” Cruella agreed shaking his hand. He then pulled her close again and kissed her once more, this time none of them with the idea of stopping for a while.

**

 

Going back to David and Snow's estate, Emma couldn't stop thinking about what she heard and how that was making her feel.

She arrived to her room and kept thinking about the night. Does she want him to fall for her or not ? A part of her did and the other part thought things would get complicated if they had feelings for each other and it would end up in heartache. Have feelings for each other, I can't have feelings for him, surely not, that's preposterous and ridiculous.

Yet his lips looked so soft, unlike Neal's dehydrated ones and his breath smelled sweet and she felt alive in his arms, like she's never felt before, her heart started pumping again in her chest and she felt a fire igniting between her legs. She squeezed her legs and closed her eyes drawing her hands close to the fire before realizing what she was doing and opening her eyes in horror.

She had fallen for a man other than her husband. She will probably spend eternity burning in hell for the only thought of kissing those lips. Emma closed her eyes, and prayed for forgiveness as she fell asleep.

***

Killian couldn't fall asleep, he kept thinking about those green eyes and the joy he saw in them, but also the pain and sadness that were well hidden behind a well kept armor.

How could you fall for a married woman you fool ! She's unattainable! Why is it that you like complicated relationships so much. What would mother think of me if she knew ?

Killian came to a decision, tomorrow I shall ask father's permission to move forward with the proposal, maybe that's just what I need, a wife to take my mind off his swan.

-----------

Please comment and leave kudos if you like the story :)

Chapter Text

Tomorrow comes and Killian is unable to go through with his drastic plan. Unable to sleep he managed to convince that little voice in his head that told him a betrothal was a good idea to shut up .

“Good morning” he said joining everyone in breakfast room. Noticing his brother is missing he asks “ Is Liam still out ?”

“Yes and your mother is worried sick about him, she's worried he gets into trouble again, as he always does” the father confesses knowing exactly his son will come back with trouble written all over his face.

“I'll go check on him at DeVil's if he's not back, that's where he went after the reception last night” Killian said.

“I don't know why he associates himself with this vile woman, all she does is gossip, gamble and have affairs”

“Let him get into trouble Alice, you know boys are like that when they're young and unmarried. Oh, maybe what he needs is a nice match, someone to occupy him at home” Brennan said, smiling.

“ I guess it's true, not all boys are like my Killy here” She said smiling at her son.

Turning red of embarrassement If only you knew about the vivid thoughts i've been having of a married woman as of lately … he thought, before saying “Father you know he wouldn't like you meddling in his life this way, he likes his freedom”

“I know but I think I found him the perfect match” Brennan says and Killian rolls his eyes internally. “It's Anna of Arendale's older sister Princess Elsa, she is coming on a diplomatic visit soon and I'd like her to meet Liam. You know they say she's so beautiful she freezes men in place, but knowing my son he would have no problem talking with the princess. But please don't tell him anything, I want him to think he came with the idea of a marriage proposal on his own and nothing was arranged in advance”

“We shall see then I guess if he falls in your trap” Alice says, sharing a laugh with Killian.

“I know it'll work, if she is as cold as people say she is to contenders then he will take her as a challenge, and we both know Joneses men like a challenge” he answers holding Alice's hand and sharing a knowing smile.

Alice knew exactly what he was talking about, she wasn't the easiest woman in court to seduce, she actually passed on many of his advances until he gave up on his charm and talked to her frankly, she had seen right through his smiles and innuendos a very sensitive man who was afraid of rejection and accepted his marriage proposal.

“Well, I'm done, I think I should go look for Liam now” Killian said standing up and kissing his mother's cheek.

“Don't be too late, we're having guests over for lunch and I want you to be here” she finishes her sentence shouting out as he exits the room.

“ I won't” he shouts back before leaving the house.

“Really ? Who's coming ?” Brennan asks.

“David, his sister, Countess Emma Cassidy and Snow, I invited them yesterday at the reception as we were leaving.”

“Countess Emma Cassidy ? Neal Cassidy's wife ?” he asks, surprised.

“Yes, do you know her ?”

“No I know of her, her husband used to be one of the emperor's counselors during the last war. Do you know if her husband is with her in Misthaven ?”

“No he's not, remember I met her yesterday on the train, that was the Emma I talked to you about yesterday”

“Oh right” he said pensively “Well, I should go too. I have a meeting with the generals and the Emperor”

“Alright, take care of yourself” She says “Of course, always my love” Brennan kisses her and leaves the room a valet brings him his jacket and hands another a bag full of maps to load in the carriage.

**

In the Emperor's Palace

Entering the room, Admiral Jones sees a gloomy look on the generals faces.

“What's the matter ?”

**

Stepping into Baroness DeVil's manor, Killian feels goosebumps, as if he entered a forbidden place.

He moved to where the noise was and was met with a room full of men in various stages of inebriation gambling their family fortunes and half undressed women walking all around them, one of them running in laughter away from a man the age of his grandfather.

But no signs of Liam. Killian recognizes one of his brother's friends nearby “ have you seen Liam ?”

“ Hello to you August, why Hello to you too Killian. How are you today ? I'm fine and you ?”

“I don't have time for this August, have you seen my brother ?”

“Not today no, he left with DeVil a couple of hours ago, if you know what I mean and hasn't reappeared since” He winks “ but please have a seat and a drink, it's on me” he answers with a smile.

Ignoring him, Killian rushes to a valet and asks him to have a word with the mistress of the house.

“Please Lieutenant, follow me, I have informed the Baroness of your presence and she is waiting for you in this room” The valet comes back and leads Killian to a room ushers him in and closes it.

Chapter Text

Emma woke up after a restless night, unable to take the blue eyed man off her head or her dreams.

After a couple of hours of restlessness she decided to get up and draw. As a talented artist, Emma took habit of drawing what's on her mind rather than writing in a dairy as most of her friends and acquaintances did. That's how she found herself sitting on her desk at dawn drawing the man that hunted her thoughts from every angle as if trying to exorcise him from her mind. Pages and pages filled with his face as he smiled or frowned.

When the sun started to rise she went to the kitchens to find something to eat, intending on going out for a walk to clear her head after her breakfast and before everyone wakes up.

"Good morning" David said as she entered the kitchen.

Surprised, Emma jumped, her hand on her chest. "Oh my god David, you almost gave me a heart-attack"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I've been unable to sleep properly since snow kicked me out of our room so I came to the kitchen to make myself some tea. What are you doing up so late... early.. you know what I mean "

"I couldn't sleep, I miss Henry already" She lied the truth would be much less welcomed she thought.

David changed the subject. "You know I want nothing but your happiness Emma".

"why are you saying that ?" She answered defensively.

"well, I may have been hard on you yesterday at princess Regina's reception, I know I should have been scared of gossip but I also know you, and I know you wouldn't do anything to wrong your husband" he said. "Besides it's not like you can't have friends of the opposite sex. It's just that seeing you yesterday with him, that look on your face reminded me so much of the one Snow has when she looks at me but I know it's ridiculous. I know you're a good woman, and a loyal and loving wife"

Emma didn't know what to say so she nodded.

"Your arranged marriage was unfair to you, Neal was older and Dad practically sold you to him for a chance to be a counselor's father in law, but you're happy aren't you ? He makes you happy ? Dad wasn't wrong to do that, was he ?"

"Of course I am David, we've been married for so long now, and I love him" Why do I feel like this is a lie, why do I feel like I need to convince myself and not only David ? I've been happy all this time, haven't I ? I felt different yesterday though, I felt the happiest I've ever been, I felt alive. Maybe it's just that I haven't danced for a long time, it must be the dancing. She tried to convince herself knowing fully well she's never felt this way dancing with anyone before.

"Good" He says. "Did you have any plans for this morning ?"

"I just thought I could go out on a walk"

"In this cold ? You'll catch your death ! Out of the question, besides don't forget why you're here, to convince my lovely wife to forgive me. Oh and we've got lunch planned already"

"Do we" she asked, surprised.

"yes, Princess Alice invited us for lunch yesterday while you were dancing with Killian, she specifically insisted that you join us too"

Emma didn't know how she should feel. She was happy that she might get to see the lieutenant again but at the same time, she was feeling guilty for being so happy. Seeing him would be harmless, it's not like he shares the same doubts as I do.

"I'll be in my room until breakfast" she said deciding on leaving the kitchen and going back to daydreaming and drawing.

**

It was almost lunchtime and David, Snow and Emma entered the Jones's manor.

Greeting Princess Alice, they all gathered up in the living room.

"I'm afraid my two sons are missing, and my husband is held at the royal palace but they should be back soon, at least Liam and Killian" she had said once the three had arrived.

"It's ok Princess, we're happy to wait for them for lunch" They all agreed with David.

"So, I heard you enrolled in the army David, is that true ?"

"Yes it is princess"

"Good, good, our country needs good sturdy men like you." the princess commented. "And how are you taking the news Snow "

"Rather bad I'm afraid. She refuses to talk to me directly or to share the same bed as me" David answered in her stead.

"Snow is that true ?" The princess asked and Snow answered with a nod.

"Come now my dear, if he's already enrolled then there is nothing you can do but cherish the moments you have with him now and hope there won't be a war" the princess said putting her hand on Snow's shoulder. "I know how it feels to have one's husband at war and being unsure of his safe return, I too fear this possible war ! My two sons are in the navy as well. Should there be a war, I could lose all those I love. That's why I make the best of every moment I spend with them, and make sure they're happy at all times. Don't let this disagreement prevent you from spending time with your husband or you might regret it. After all, life is too short for disagreements."

Snow considered what the princess said and after a couple of seconds sighted and held out her hand towards David.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask you before enrolling. I love you, I will always love you" David said, looking apologetic.

"I love you too" snow said.

"Princess your sons are back" a valet came over and whispered to the princess's ear. her face blanked. she excused herself and left the room.

Chapter Text

The princess could hear shouting coming from Liam's room. She followed the Valet until he showed her in the room, closed the door and left.
“I'm sorry Mr. Perfect, the perfect boy who never does anything dishonorable, who's never tempted by any vices or any woman or man. The one who never faces Dad of fear of disappointing him. At least I have balls, figuratively and perhaps even literally” Liam shouted, getting all his anger out on his brother. Killian backed up, shock written all over his face.

“Do you think I like being obedient all the time to please them ? But I owe them that much, they're my parents, our parents Liam. I don't want to marry Tinker, the mere thought of it makes me want to scream” he says angrily almost shouting it before he calms down.

Liam knew he shouldn't have shouted at Killian, that he's not angry with his little brother but with himself for being such a disappointment. He felt terribly sorry for what he said and when he tried to pull his brother's hand to apologize, Killian pulled it away.

“No, maybe you're right, maybe I've been the good boy for far too long, maybe I should do what I really want, be selfish for once instead of doing what everyone expects of me” Killian said with a frown.

“What is happening here, we have guests downstairs and the both of you are … Liam are you drunk ?”

“Yes he is mother, and he lost a huge amount of money at gambling that I had to settle by owning DeVil a favor”

“What ? Liam is that true ?”

“She is evil mother, she kept making me drink and lose-'

“AND YOU LET HER ?” she shouted. “How much did you lose ?”

“It's over now mother” Killian tried to sooth the princess before she gestured for him to be silent.

“Who knows what this Devilish woman will want from your brother. I'm really disappointed in you Liam” she said and turned to Killian “Killian, go get prepared for lunch, we've got guests. Let's leave him to rest. This is not over young man !” she says pointing at Liam

**

The three waited what seemed like forever until a valet came in the room to invite them to follow him to the lunch room.

There they found the princess sitting with a blank face and pensive eyes.

“Is everything Ok princess ?” Snow asked.

“Sorry dear, yes everything is ok, please sit down, join me”

“Are your sons not joining us” Emma asked, worried.

“I'm afraid only Killian will be joining us” she answers with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

“Liam only just came back home didn't he ? I know him, he likes to spends his nights at DeVil's betting and gambling” David said with a laugh but was only met with a dark stare from the princess. They staid in a pregnant silence for what seemed like eternity but was only minutes before Killian joined.

“Killian, finally” David said, trying to change the mood “How are you today” ?

“I'm ok, thank you David. How are you ?” he says smiling awkwardly as he realised how tense the atmosphere was before he came in.

A Valet pulls Killian's chair and he sits down. Only now noticing he's seated in front of the woman he hasn't been able to stop thinking about in the last 24 hours and he couldn't prevent himself from looking at her. Her face and smile acted like balm to his wound. Once again the both of them got caught in each other's eyes.

“We're fine” Snow said, oblivious to the exchange happening beside her.

“Snow finally forgave me” David said. “after I practically begged my sister to join us in Misthaven to convince my wife to forgive me the princess managed to make her see reason in only a couple of minutes”

“How did I miss that ?” Killian said laughing and interrupting his and Emma's exchange.

“Now I'm happy I wouldn't have to keep Emma away from her family for too long, she was only saying how much she missed her son earlier, the poor thing didn't sleep all night. You can now leave whenever you wish my dear, you're free” David said looking at Emma.

“Yes I guess” Emma agreed before adding “ But now that I'm here I might as well stay for a bit”
was that sadness I saw in the lieutenant's eyes just now ? Did he care about me staying or leaving ?

Emma felt something bump her foot under the table. Wait, did he just touch my foot ?it must be an accident. She looked at him and saw what she thought was an apologetic smile on his face.

Did she just touch my foot ? Killian thought. Is it possible she feels the same appeal I have for her ?
Killian felt something touch his foot again looking at her he saw a devious smile on her face. Their feet tangled of their own accord and their heart danced in their breasts. Their breaths became more shallow and everything faded again, all that was left was the both of them.
Neither wanted to ask themselves what they were doing. Nothing existed but them. No right, no wrong. Only this feeling of arousal and pleasure.

They started entwining their calves, Emma pushing his pants up so that she can feel his skin on hers. At the contact they both inhaled and exhaled discreetly in relief and pleasure. Neither knowing anything could be this pleasurable. If this is just our feet I wonder how her lips would feel like on mine Killian thought.

Everything came back at once when the valets put their dishes in front of them. They both separated their legs and were unable to share a glance, too embarrassed by what happened between them, each one of them full of doubts and questions.

His skin feels so nice on mine. Oh why did I not meet you before Neal ? But then I wouldn't have Henry ! I can't think this way, I love my husband and I feel like the luckiest mother for having such a child as mine, but then why is it that he attracts me so much ? Is it just a physical attraction ? Why did 10 seconds of skin contact with him feel more pleasurable than being intimate with Neal ? Oh I will probably burn in hell for touching his skin this way yet I want to touch it again. She thought guiltily, finding herself wishing they weren't interrupted by the food and hoping he will initiate another approach.

I want to feel her skin again, I don't care about her husband, I feel like I won't make it through the day without feeling her skin once more Killian extended his leg, intending on touching her foot and meeting it already expecting his. Touching each other once more, they both looked at each other before diverting their eyes so not to make anything look suspicious. They knew what they were doing was forbidden but the pleasure it procured them was too great to stop.

The meal went on this way, with the two playing with their calves and feet, stealing glances of each other until it was time to leave.

“Thank you princess for a great meal and for convincing Snow to forgive me” David said kissing The princess's hand.

“You're welcome David, it was my pleasure. Are you sure you can't stay longer ? We could play cards or talk some more”

“I'm afraid I have a couple of things to take care of at home, besides, I'm pretty sure my sister is sick, she didn't speak during the whole meal and look how flushed she is, did I tell you she didn't sleep well last night ?”

“I'm Ok David, I assure you.” Emma interjected innocently.

“I still want you to rest. Wouldn't want you to go back to your husband and son ill” he said with a forceful smile.

“Oh she does look sick. Well, rest well my dear and feel better soon”

“Thank you Princess” She said, unable to look her brother in the eye.

“Goodbye Killian” Snow and David said before exiting the property.

“Goodbye Lieutenant” Emma said curtsying “Goodbye Countess” he said, kissing her hand while looking her in the eyes.

Chapter Text

“Well that was nice” Snow said to a frowning David and Emma.

“This has to stop, I don't want you to see him again” David said angrily.

“what has to stop” Snow asked, confused.

“see who again David ? There is nothing between Lieutenant jones and I, I just met him yesterday” Emma said defensively.

Taking her apart, David said “I was there Emma, and despite your discretion I noticed something was happening between the both of you but I shut up for both of your sakes” David was now fuming. “May I remind you that you are a married woman, that you told me just this morning that you love your husband and your life ? Why would you take the risk of ruining this, your reputation and his for some physical attraction”

“David, there is nothing between us” Emma said defiantly this time.

David shut up and kept silent during the trip back home.

**

Diner went on with Emma and David being as aloof as one could be. Refusing to take part in any conversation.

And when it was time to go to bed, Emma was unable to sleep again. Thinking about the blue-eyed lieutenant's skin on hers, she felt extremely aroused and instead of praying like the day before, this time she brought herself to completion with her hand, thinking of him, of his body against hers, imagining his hands on her folds. Yet once done, she still didn't feel sated. She wanted him. She wanted him deeply and she was convinced nothing else could satisfy her now that she felt his skin on hers, now that she found out he felt the same attraction as her. She didn't want to think about her status as a married woman or god's wrath, she wanted lieutenant jones and her brother's words did nothing to convince her otherwise.

With a new purpose in mind, she fell asleep dreaming about their next encounter.

**

“What is it Brennan ? What's wrong” Princess Alice had asked upon seeing her husband's gloomy face.

“The Emperor has fallen gravely ill, he's dyeing Alice.”

The both of them stood in silence, thinking about the consequences of such news. Should the Emperor die without naming a successor, war would be declared. Should there be no successor named everyone would want to seize the throne, King Arthur being the first among them. Not only would there be war with another country, but there would also be intestinal wars among the people.
The country would be fractioned between those backing princess Regina's claim and those backing Elsa's.

“God have pity for us all” Alice said, her eyes tearing.

“please don't tell anyone about this, we don't need there to be panic” Brennan instructed.

“Of course my love” The princess said, fearing for her sons and husband's lives.

**

the next day Emma woke up determined. She had a plan to get her lieutenant and she was counting on executing it.

She would meet him tonight at the theatre and talk to him to see where they stood, if she was indeed right about his feelings then she would find a way to be with him, if only once before she left to get back home to her husband with whom she was happy. I am happy with Neal. She once again tried to convince herself.

**

The night came and Emma made sure to look the most beautiful she can. She put on a nice white dress with chiffon and silk and tied up her hair in an elegant bun. She was dressed to impress but her only thought was of one man.

Joined by Snow and Countess Ruby, the three went to the theatre to watch a representation of Romeo and Juliet by Willian Shakespeare that was on that night. Emma already knew the story and thought it was fitting for her plan.

She would send Killian a message from her box to his in the middle of the representation and wait for him outside where they can talk where no one can see them.

Everything was going according to her plan, he was indeed there with his mother and brother, but oblivious to her presence. She wrote the note and during the interact, gave it to one of the valets with the instructions to give it to the dark haired gentleman in the box two rows on the left once the representation started again. And she waited.

Chapter Text

Emma pretended she needed to use the restroom and left her friends in their box to go wait in the hall for her lieutenant.

She waited, turning around and pacing, she wasn't sure of what she was doing anymore. If things went according to her plan then she would commit adultery. Should that be known, her reputation as well as her lieutenant's would be ruined.

She saw a figure approaching from the direction of her lieutenant's box but once she could get a clear look she realized the valet must have made a mistake for it wasn't the black haired jones he gave the message to but his brother. Emma felt embarrassed.

“Meet me in 10 mins in the hall. That was you ? Although I'm flattered countess I'm afraid sleeping with a married woman is where I draw my limit, especially if it's the sister of my closest friend”

“Liam, I'm sorry, I didn't know-” she thought quickly and decided to lie instead “What message are you talking about ? I didn't send anything”

“Forgive my candor Countess Cassidy but it's signed E.C and there is no one else in the hall but you and me, and since I'm not E.C...” Liam said with an eyebrow raised.

“Alright” She confessed “This message was not destined to you, but to someone else and how dare you imply this message was of the romantic kind ?!”

“I'm sorry Countess, I did not mean to offend you, it's just that encounters in an empty hall in the middle of a play are rarely of the business kind. Was the message destined to my brother by any chance ?”

“Yes, I wanted to discuss a book with him, a book the both of us read and I couldn't get the ending off my head” she lied.

“Alright countess, I'll fetch him for you” Liam left with an incredulous look on his face but didn't want to offend the countess more than he had. Surely his brother would put her in place should she make advances. He knows his brother is a strong believer in good form and having a dalliance with a married woman was not good form. Who was he kidding, his brother hasn't been interested in anyone since his first crush years and years ago. There was a reason he always called him the monk, or the saint. It's like he never developed a sexual appetite. Or at least to his knowledge.

“Killian, there is someone waiting for you in the hall” he whispered to Killian discreetly as he entered his box.

“Who ?” Killian asked confused

“The countess wants to discuss a book with you”

“a book ? Ohhhh, of course the book, I'll be back shortly” he said and left the box.

**

“Countess Cassidy ? How may I -” Emma saw him coming and unable to wait any longer, she dragged him to an obscure corner and kissed him. He tensed for a second before giving in to the kiss and kissing back fervently. They kissed until they needed to breath and once they breathed they kissed some more. Emma never thought a kiss could be this enjoyable. If she wasn't determined before then now she was fully determined on committing adultery with this man, and as soon as possible. She felt the proof of his arousal and smiled.

As they stopped to breath once more, Killian asked “why does this feel so good ?”

“Because our lips are kindred spirits” Emma said caressing his face and memorizing his features.

They kissed again and when they needed to breath Killian said “I don't want to stop”

“Me neither” they were now kissing, unable to separate for longer than a few seconds.

After what seemed like a few seconds to them but was actually 10-15 minutes Emma stopped and said “I have to go or Snow will come looking for me”

“But I don't want to stop” Killian said, disappointed.

“I don't want to either but we have to be discreet. Meet me tomorrow at this address at noon, it's the address of an apartment I rented this morning”

“Alright, I'll be there”

Getting out of the corner she said “ Goodbye lieutenant”

“Please, call me Killian”

“Goodbye Killian” she said and giving him one more kiss, she left.

Killian stayed in the hall for a few more minutes regaining his composure and then joined his brother and mother in their box.

What have I done he thought guiltily she's a married woman you fool ! I can't see her again it's bad form. It's really not honorable, in fact, it's absolutely dishonorable. But then if I don't meet her again then I would never feel her smooth lips on mine again, taste her sweet taste and feel her body close to mine. I'll need to be discreet if I go tomorrow. And if I go tomorrow will that be enough ? Maybe it's just physical and the only way to get her out of my head is to meet her tomorrow.

And with that in mind, Killian was unable to concentrate on the play he was supposed to be watching.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11

Emma went back home in a good mood as opposed to her sister in law who was saddened by the ending of the play.

She had kissed her lieutenant and it felt so good. His lips were smooth and gentle and he was tender and caring. She was sure she was sure she was already damned for thinking of him and bringing herself to completion imagining it was his hands, she thought she might as well enjoy her life fully since she condemned her eternity to hell.

Going to her room to freshen up before diner she found her brother sat on her desk.

“David ? What are you doing here ?”

“Care to tell me what this is ?” He said angrily showing her her sketchpad.

“Who gave you the right to go through my things ?!” Emma shouted, now angry as well.

“I thought I was clear Emma, you were not to see him again or even think of him, you've got reputations to preserve !”

“This is unfair David, I'm a grown up, you're treating me like a child. I am allowed to do what I want and to draw who I want !”

“No you're not” He screamed at her “You're my sister, Neal's wife and Henry's mother, your every move is subject to gossip and gossip can make us three lose everything. And let's not forget Killian and his family's ! How far has this affair been ? Did you sleep with him ? Tell me !”

“Enough David !” Emma shouted, tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe what was happening. She was so happy and in an instant her brother had stripped her of her happiness and thrown a bucket of freezing shame at her.

“You are to go back to Glenhaven tomorrow first thing in the morning, it's an order”

“I don't take orders from you”

“Yes you do from now on, since you can't think straight, since you're blinded by Killian's good looks. And if you disobey me sister, so help me god, I'll send those sketches to Neal and tell him about this lieutenant” David ripped the sketches from her sketchpad, threw the sketchpad on her bed and left the room.

Furious, Emma closed the door violently and started crying out of anger and frustration.

I guess I'll be damned for nothing

**
Immediately after leaving her room David took his horse and went to the Jones's estate.

“May I speak to Captain Jones ?” he said to the valet who opened the door.

“Of course, come in Count”

“David, what are you doing here ?” Killian said upon seeing him.

David's dormant anger resurfaced as he punched Killian in the nose. The valet interfered and a couple of others tried to hold him away from Killian who stood there looking at David with a guilty look on his face.

“Killian are you OK ? What's happening David ?” Liam said after seeing the valets holding him.

“We need to talk the both of us, in private, NOW”

“Of course David”

The valets left him and he followed Liam to the library to talk in private.

**

“Thank you David for letting me know” Liam said with a stern look on his face as David was leaving the library. He lead him to the door and closed it after him.

He then went upstairs to talk to his little brother.

Knocking, his brother opened the door and met him with the same guilty eyes he had earlier and a bleeding nose.

“Is it true?” Liam said sternly.

“Is what true ?”

“Are you having and affair with David's sister ?” Liam said impatiently.

“No, god no !”

“Don't lie to me brother, you look as guilty as if you were caught red-handed”

“I'm not lieing” Killian said defensively

“Then what happened ?” Liam insisted. Surely David was mistaking, there must be a reasonable explanation to Killian's earlier mood and his disappearance to talk with David's sister about a book.

“We juste exchanged a kiss, and I know what you're going to say, she's married and-”

“ Killian she's a married woman, she belongs to another man” Liam never thought he could ever be this mad at his brother but it wasn't about him anymore, other people were involved : Emma could lose her reputation, what about her husband's, or her poor son's ?! this could kill their mother ! And what would their father do to him ? He couldn't stand by and watch his brother bringing them disgrace and shame with his foolish behavior just for a little thrill.

“She belongs to no one but herself brother, and I didn't take anything she didn't willingly give, besides you have nothing to say to me ! You've been doing nothing but bringing us dishonor for the last years” Killian was angry and upset, his brother had nothing to say to him when he lost half of their estate's worth of money and indebted him to Baroness DeVil only this morning.

“You're forbidden from seeing her again, it's an order”

“I have no order to take from you”

“Yes you do, lieutenant, I'm sending you on board of the Jewel of the realm, we have instructions to go to Arendale and meet with princess Elsa in two days so the time is fitting. Gather your things, you're leaving tonight”

Chapter Text

The next time Emma heard from Killian was during war. 3 months later.

Glenhaven was on the sea so it wasn't uncommon to see officers and lieutenants around town staying at local taverns and in local markets between battles.

The town's port had nonetheless changed drastically, what used to be a merchant's port was now full of naval ships and injured officers. Neal had asked Emma to go back with Henry to Misthaven more than once but after the way she left things with her brother she didn't want to go stay at his place again. They hadn't stopped talking, the tone had just changed, the both being angry at the other and she now exchanged letters with Snow more often then her brother.

A couple of weeks after leaving Misthaven, the emperor had died, designating princess Regina, as his successor. Arthur, king of Camelot, however considered the designation as being null since the king signed it on his death bed, and because he claimed the throne belonged to him by right.

So war had started between Camelot and the Enchanted forest, and Glenhaven was now the center of operations. Regina and the generals had relocated, same as the admiral and the army to Glenhaven's coasts and frontiers (since it shared a frontier with Camelot) for war. And so chaos had ensued.

The estates on the frontier of Camelot and those closer to the water had been destroyed by the enemy's army's canons and so most families had to relocate.

That's when Emma found out she would be welcoming the Jones brothers and some others between battles to her estate since their Glenhaven Estate had been utterly destroyed.

“We've arranged the rooms to suit one or more of your officers Captains”

“Thank you Count Cassidy” The two Captains had answered with their crews and started to move inside the estate. Emma couldn't see neither Captain nor lieutenant Jones though, until they brought in the injured. Liam was holding Killian from under an arm, he seemed to have been badly hurt but what chocked more Emma was noticing the amount of blood that was gashing out of Killian's arm.

He was rushed inside to a room along with the other injured men to be taken care of as soon as possible and away from Henry's petrified gaze. Emma and her maids were expected to take care of those injured soldiers however very few of the maids that had remained in Glenhaven knew what to do with such injuries.

Entering the room Emma saw Liam fighting with the doctor

“We have to amputate him, his wound won't heal”

“ there has to be another way, he's left handed, you can't take his left hand away”

“I'm afraid the other option would result in his death, there is no other choice, would you rather have an amputated brother captain or no brother at all ? Please let me do my job, there are other injured men to attend to”

Emma couldn't look away from Killian, his eyes were glassy and tearing of pain, he was holding his left hand to his chest and thrashing. She didn't think he knew where he was.
“I need a hand” The doctor said out loud, no one seemed to notice the irony of this word but Emma.

The two other doctors rushed to his side and held Killian down with Liam's help. The doctor then put a blade in the fire to burn the maimed flesh and prevent further bleeding as he cut the hand off. Killian screamed in pain before fainting and Emma cried seeing him in this position.

She had thought she didn't feel attracted to him anymore after not seeing him for so long, yet when she first saw him entering her home her heart spead up and she felt those butterflies again but this time she was horrified, sad and scared for him. Scared that he might not make it.

When the doctor finished cutting his hand off, Emma fainted. She had seen felt enough emotions in one day.

Chapter Text

Killian never thought of himself as an unlucky man, on the contrary, he always believed he had lots to be thankful for : a great family, honor, a title, money and a great position in the emperor's navy. He was proud of himself and thought he was as happy as one could be until that day he met Countess Emma Cassidy, his swan.

Not only did he find out that day that his father wanted to arrange his marriage, but also because he felt like the unluckiest man on earth since he can't be with her. He tried to convince himself that it was dishonorable to even think about it, she was after all married but at each meeting this voice in his head telling him what they were doing was wrong would weaken, until it was no longer there> but by then, it was already too late, their brothers had found out about their dalliance and he was sent off the next day to the ship.

He never thought he'd see her again. Not after standing her up that night she invited him over to the rented place in Misthaven. He had sent a message with a valet telling her that his captain had all but kindly invited him to join his diplomatic expedition to Arendale, but he never received an answer and thought she was angry at him.

But she was not, she seemed rather self-conscience and shy when he first saw her.

After the battle, Killian slept for days, and when he woke up, the pain from his hand was so intense he would slip in and out of consciousness, only noticing her. Feeling her soft hand wipe his forehead with a cool rag made him wonder if he was hallucinating or if he had died and arrived in heaven. The only thing preventing him from believing the latter was that despite still being the most beautiful woman he had laid eyes on, she looked tired like she lacked sleep, she had dark circles under her eyes and she would sometimes shed a tear or two while no one was around.

“where am I” He said to Emma as he finally woke up

“You are at my husband's estate in Glenhaven” She said looking away shyly, “do you remember what happened ?”

“Yes, we were in a battle and the enemy's officers boarded the Jewel of the realm, I cut one of the ropes that tied their ship to ours while they boarded and was about to cut the second rope when a man cut my hand badly. that's all I remember. Where is Liam ? Is he alright ? What about the battle, did we win ?” Killian then noticed he was in a room on his own with Emma, trying to straighten himself up in bed, he shouted in tremendous pain. lifting his arm, that's when he noticed something other than Emma, the absence of his hand.

“WHAT ? Where's my hand ? No” he said crying in horror. “No ! Why ? No !” he screamed, Emma started crying again seeing his distress, she stood up and tried to reassure him by hugging him and telling him that everything was alright but he kept screaming and thrashing in pain and fear until Liam entered the room to hold him down while the doctor administrated him with something to calm him down.

**

Emma left Killian's room and isolated herself in her own, it was a bad idea taking care of him, she knew that, but she couldn't prevent herself from volunteering, if not for making amends then because she still considered him as a close acquaintance and she wouldn't want the maids to do a botched job with him.

Emma started crying again, unaware of the little feet that followed her in the room.

“Mommy, what's wrong ?” Henry said coming to hug her, “Why are you crying?”

“Nothing Henry, I was sad but I feel better now that you're here with me” she said, wiping her tears

“would you like to play with me ?” Henry asked proudly.

“Yes my love, now why don't you hide and I'll come looking for you ?”

“Yesssss !” the 5 year old then started running while his mother counted to 20.

**

“I'm sorry brother, there was nothing else can do, there was no way to save your hand” Liam said sadly to a now calm Killian.

“Please Liam, I want to be alone” Killian said sadly, looking out of the window on the opposite side of the room, tears still streaking down his face.

“Of course, I'll let you process things”

Liam then left his brother to rest and get accustomed to his new situation.

Chapter Text

I Know I disappeared for months and maybe most of you are not interested anymore but I'M BACK !!! I don't know how often I'll update but I'll do my best to finish this fic before 2019 !!! I am very curious to know how many are still reading this fic, please leave a comment or a like or something to encourage me to go on.

(This is a small update to get used to writing again, and I'm sure most of you don't remember what happened in the last chapters so here's a summary.)

Previously on Selfish for once : Emma and Killian met at Princess Regina's reception and fell for each other. They danced, later on they kissed and they were supposed to meet at a place Emma rented for the night, however their respective brothers found out and Liam sent his lieutenant to his ship and David sent his sister to her husband in Glenheaven. Of course to complicate everything, none of the them knew the other didn't show up. Killian was sent to war and lost his hand. While he was being treated he was sent – along with his crew and Liam – to Neal Cassidy's estate where Emma decided to take care of him herself instead of the maids. Once he woke up and found up he lost his hand, he had a panic attack and Liam and the doctor rushed in to calm him down.

And of course let's not forget there is a bet between Jafar and Cruella on who will sleep with (respectively) Emma or Killian the first.

PS : I mistakenly wrote in the previous chapter that Henry was 5, he's 10 as I said in an earlier chapter, sorry for the confusion.

--------------

the next time Killian woke up, it was to the sound of small feet entering the room.

“Hello ? ” Killian said in the dark.

“Please don't give up my position, we're playing hide and seek” Killian heard from under his bed. He noticed that despite being well hidden, the boy forgot to close the door, and that's how he was found out.

“Henry !” Emma said “Please forgive us for disturbing you lieutenant” Emma went to retrieve Henry from under the bed but he jumped out first from the left side.

Noticing the stump he asked candidly “ what happened to your hand ?”

“Excuse him lieutenant jones, Henry let's go, let's leave him to rest”

“Mommy, what happened to his hand” Henry whispered.

“I lost it in battle” Killian answered the little boy.

“Cool ! Does it hurt ?” Henry was a curious kid, a trait his mother often found endearing, but not this time.

“Henry, there is nothing 'cool' about losing one's hand, now let's go” She said holding the boy's hand.
“excuse us again for disturbing you, you should go back to rest”

He smiled at her weakly before saying “Emma, I'm sorry” as she was leaving the room. Killian couldn't believe that after standing her up that night she'd still be kind enough to take care of him in the state he was in.

She thought he was sorry for his earlier state when he woke up and answered “it's nothing, I understand”. Opening the door more than it was, she only then noticed the redness of his eyes.

Chapter Text

Emma couldn't stop thinking of Killian that night as she laid in bed. She thought about how his eyes were so sad and red. It must be hard losing one's hand but even before he realized his wound was so bad he had seemed sad. Stop thinking like that Emma, no he's not sad because you didn't show up, He's sad because of war and mainly because of his hand and that's all.

 

“Emma, are you asleep ?” Neal said entering their shared bedroom.

 

“No Neal, what is it” She turned around and sat up in bed.

 

“I just thought we hadn't been intimate for a while now, and I'm yearning for relief ” he said retrieving a condom from his drawer.

 

“I don't know Neal, i'm not in the mood today, maybe tomorrow ?” She said trying to change his mind.

 

“I know lieutenant Jones' panic attack earlier left you shaken, but I think this will do us both good dear” he said approaching the bed and pushing a strand of hair away from her shoulder.

 

Emma didn't know what to do, maybe what she needed to get the lieutenant out of her head was being intimate with her husband again, after all, they hadn't been together for a long while now.

 

Emma closed her eyes as Neal kissed her.


 

 

Killian woke up panicked in the middle of the night, trying to get back his breath. He thought he had a nightmare but all he remembered was someone screaming his name. However when he woke up, there was no one in his room. He was alone. As i'll always be. His panic was growing, he couldn't control it anymore, and screamed, screamed loudly, he felt like he was going to die, as if he was being choked to death.

 

 

As Neal was entering his wife he heard a loud scream and people rushing outside of his room.

 

“What is happening ?” Neal said, as he rushed out of bed and put his sleeping tunic back on and then his brown dressing gown.

 

“Wait here darling, i'll go and see what's happening” he ran out of the door as soon as he was dressed.

 

Neal was a patriotic man, and a generous one, when he heard war was being declared he offered his estate in Glenheaven for the wounded to heal and his garden for the troops to regroup. But he hadn't thought of his wife and son's well-being when he made this decision. He didn't even ask his wife's opinion : after all, it's my estate he had thought.

 

But now he was coming to regret his decision. It dawned on him that having so many strangers at his estate could be dangerous, no matter how much he wanted to believe in the men.

 

He had to send his wife and son back to Misthaven and as soon as possible. His son had nothing to do near wounded and dyeing men.

 

Neal ran towards where the screams were coming from. He recognized the room as being Lieutenant Jones' and realised no crime was being committed, he must be having another panic attack.

 

As he approached, he saw one of the doctors rushing in along with the lieutenant's brother.

 

“Dad, what's happening ? Is someone being murdered ?” Henry said, appearing out of nowhere and scaring the life out of his father.

 

“what are you doing here ? You should be asleep”

 

“I was, until I heard a scream”

 

“Henry go to your room” Emma said as she approached her husband. As she saw where the screams where coming from she felt her heart skip a beat and a lump forming in her throat. He was panicking again.

 

“I'm going to lend them a hand” She said, running to the room, unwilling her husband to see her eyes watering.


 

 

Emma couldn't help but feel relieved at the moment this scream was heard. But she also felt scared, for her son's life, for Killian's life, and for her husband's life. She may now be okay with the fact of having feelings for another man than her husband, but she still cared for him and didn't want anything bad to happen to him. However, she cared for him as a friend more than a lover, which is why she felt relieved nothing had happened.

 

The first thing she thought about was get dressed and run to her son's room to check on him. However, he was nowhere to be seen. So she thought he would be going where everyone was going, towards the screams.

 

Once she found him with his father she knew he would be taken care of so there was only one left to check on, and this person who happened to be the second on her list was also the one issuing those screams.

 

Entering the room, she saw once again that day Killian thrashing in his bed and Liam immobilizing him while the doctor was preparing a syringe. She rushed to help Liam who welcomed her assistance.

 

Once the doctor administered the ambient Killian calmed down and stopped screaming.

 

“He should fall asleep now, we'll have to talk tomorrow Captain Jones” the doctor said before leaving the room.

 

“Emma” Killian said askance before indeed falling asleep.

 

Emma couldn't prevent the tears from flowing down her face now. Liam saw that and didn't know what to do. “He'll be alright Emma, don't fear, he's strong and brave, he's the bravest man I've ever met, he'll be alright” Liam said without any conviction.

 

Emma sniffled and tried to reign in her emotions again. “I know”

 

“Emma, I know you care about him, and I know he cares about you. That night he was supposed to meet you, I sent him to the ship – as his Captain – he couldn't refuse my order”

 

Emma looked at him dumbfounded. Killian had wanted to join her but couldn't. He didn't know she couldn't show up neither, he didn't know he hadn't stood her up.

 

“You must understand I wanted to protect my brother's reputation, his honor, his innocence. I've long lost mine but not him, he still is our parent's pride and I couldn't watch him lose that”

 

Emma looked at Liam then at Killian. She moved her hands from his upper body where they were holding him down and brushed the hair out of his face, he was a handsome man there was no doubt. But as he lay there wounded and asleep he also looked like a young boy.

 

“How old is he ?” she asked, still playing with his hair as Liam held his brother's only hand.

 

“25” he said.

 

She felt she was older than him but not by much. But knowing for sure was another thing. She understood his brother trying to protect him, and maybe she should do that too. For both of their sakes. Glenheaven was no place for her and her son anymore; maybe she ought to go to Misthaven until war was over, maybe she had to help Liam protect the man she now believes is the second most important man in her life.

 

“I'm 29” she said as she took one last look at him and left the room.


 

 

Emma looked in the mirror. She was dressed in her white fur coat and her white fur hat and was ready to face the coldness of the weather outside. Leaving her room, she decided to go say goodbye and rectify things with Killian before leaving for good.

 

She entered Killian's room.

 

“Hi” she said approaching the bed

 

“Hi” he answered with a self deprecating smile.

 

“are you feeling better now ?”

 

“Yes thank you, I'm sorry about yesterday”

 

“don't worry, these things happen”

 

“it happened twice” he said, ashamedly.

 

She didn't say anything, she didn't know what to say.

 

“I came to say goodbye, I'm leaving Glenheaven today, probably until the war is over”

 

there was a silence before Killian started “Emma, I'm -”

 

“Killian I'm sorry” she said, he eyes watering again. “I wanted to come to our appointment, and I know you wanted too but I should never have put us in this position, and now your brother and mine know about us and –”

 

Killian jumped out of bed and kissed her urgently.

 

Putting her hands in his hair she deepened the kiss, as he put his hands on her back and lowered them, she moaned in his mouth which made him moan in response. They stopped for a moment and looked into each other's eyes “ just once” she said. As she kissed him again, being careful not to hurt his wounded arm, she lead him to bed and pushed him carefully without stopping the kiss. She could feel his hard erection against her stomach, his yearning for her.

 

There hands were all over each other now, touching and feeling, exploring and stroking. Killian had never touched a woman before Emma and he felt like he was about to burst. She felt his hesitancy and stopped “are you Okay”

 

“Emma, i've never been with a woman before, I don't know how to – ” he said shyly. “I don't care Killian, I want you” she said before kissing him urgently again.

 

“I don't think I can last for long” he said between silenced moans, as she kissed his neck.

 

“We don't have long” She answered as she unbuttoned his pants and freed his cock then pushed her skirts higher up her body, straddling him. They couldn't stop kissing, but they knew they had little time to be together, and that this would be the only time they could ever be intimate, and possibly the last time they see each other. Killian's arm hurt but he couldn't care at that moment.

 

Emma guided him in her and moaned as they came together. Emma had never felt this full before, this complete. Not because of his impressive size and girth but because at this moment she knew she loved him and would do anything to protect him, even if it meant leaving him.

 

Killian didn't know what to think or what to do anymore, he felt so happy, but in a different way, in a way he couldn't describe, he tried to reign in his breathing but failed as she started moving on top of him, he knew he wouldn't last long, he knew it would be over soon which made him sad, extremely sad as well.

 

“Emma, I don't think – I'm not going to last long now – ” he said in between ragged breaths.

 

“Me neither” she said. As she went back to kissing him, silencing each other's moans and grunts.

 

Killian's feelings intensified as she kept moving until he couldn't bear them anymore, grunting, he shut his eyes tighter and stilled. Emma opened her eyes and watched him cum and followed him.

 

She fell on top of him and tried to regain her breathing.

 

Hearing footsteps, Emma stood up and righted herself quickly before rushing out of the door and out of his life, or so he thought...

 

Chapter Text

Chapter 16

 

“Oh Killian” Princess Alice said seeing her son exiting his carriage. She ran to him and took him in her arms. He closed his eyes and felt them starting to water. He didn't just feel wounded, he also felt so heart broken and sad but also relieved to be home and with his mother.

 

“I'm sorry” she said crying and examining his hand, “I'm so sorry Killi” her son had lost his dominant hand but at least he had returned to her. She wiped away her tears and looked at one of the servants “prepare him a nice hot bath please Benedict.” looking at him she said “Let's get you inside and resting”

 

he didn't say anything and followed her inside, losing his balance, she rushed at his right side and helped him climb the stairs leading to the estate.

 

**

1 week later …

 

“Emma are you not coming with us to the reception ?”

 

“No, I'm sorry Snow, I'm not feeling very well”

 

“I know Emma but a bit of fresh air will do you good. Besides you've been staying in your room too often lately, maybe we should actually all stay at home and call the doctor in to check on you” Snow said knowing Emma's answer to that.”

 

“Alright, let me get ready.” Emma rushingly said.

 

“of course, we'll wait for you downstairs”

 

**

 

Killian didn't feel in the mood for a reception, but he didn't feel like disappointing his mother. After all, her older son was still at war and she needed to think about something else other than her beloved ones suffering, so he agreed to go with her to a reception at Princess Regina's knowing that he might cross path with the woman who's been on his mind for months now.

 

He didn't know how he felt about that, he hadn't seen her for almost 3 months now and he knew she was in Misthaven so he thought she would be at the reception. As everyone else.

 

Last time he saw her he thought he wouldn't see her again for a very long time, even If the Enchanted forrest's society was small he did manage to mostly avoid Gra – better think about something else he thought. As he was sent to Misthaven he found out she had retired with her son to Misthaven too.

 

Killian knew what they had done was wrong, Emma's husband was a good man and didn't deserve being made a fool of like that. What was he thinking, even if he wasn't a good man, this was bad form.

 

After exchanging with some guests at the reception, impressed by his now legendary prowesses during the battle of the 5th eye island, killian spotted a familiar face.

 

“Oh Hello Countess Cassidy, Hello Snow” Alice Jones said, breaking Killian out of his reveries.

 

“ Princess, Lieutenant” Snow said, “I hope you're well. I heard the news, I'm sorry about your hand lieutenant” Snow addressed Killian but all he could do was look at Emma.

 

Emma didn't know where to go, she felt stuck and she didn't know how to feel, happy to see him ? Worried their affair gets found out ?

 

“Princess may I borrow your son for a dance” Emma said, “Of course dear, as many dances as you wish, I see there aren't many men of age to dance with around”

 

Emma lead him to the dance floor “Killian, last time was a mistake, we shouldn't do that anymore. Wait, why aren't you in Arendale with the other wounded soldiers ?” she said as they started swaying.

 

“Emma, it was't a mistake, I love you”

 

“You don't love me you just met me, we just met each other, this is a huge mistake, you don't know anything about me and I certainly don't know anything about you, we can't be in love, it's impossible” she said, looking him in the eye defiantly.

 

“I know Emma, believe me, but everytime I see you my heart races and I feel alive, I haven't felt alive this way for so long, actually, I never even felt this way before and I don't want to stop feeling this. Last time I saw you I thought I wouldn't see you again, because life is too short Emma and there is no time to waste on things that doesn't make you happy, that's what I understood during battle” He pleaded with her.

 

She sighed in defeat “ Killian, I know nothing about you”

 

“Then let me tell you about me, or better, let us get properly acquainted”

 

“We have no future together, I'm married and I have a son, this has to stop”

 

Killian didn't know what to answer to that. Sensing the sadness in his eyes she decided to change the subject. “so, ho come you are in Misthaven ?”

 

“My father got me a special authorization, I need to train my other hand for battle. ”

 

“you're returning to battle ? You just lost your hand Killian” she said before they exchanged partners for the sake of this part of the dance.

 

Joining each other once more, Killian answered “Yes. I don't have a choice Emma, we're at war, and protecting my country is my job, besides most men already are at front”

 

“Not all of them though”

 

“Emma, that's what I've been training all my life to do”

 

Suddenly, Emma felt dizzy and had to hold on to him not to collapse.

 

“Emma, what is it ?” He said, leading her out of the dance floor and to a bench on the balcony on their right.

 

“Yes, I'm ok, I just need to breath, this corset is choking me” she said.

 

“Emma, I know we haven't known each other for long but I feel like – ”

 

“Emma darling, are you alright ? I saw you almost fainted and thought I'd come to check on you” The tall blond woman asked holding her Gin.

 

“Yes I'm alright Baroness DeVil, thank you for asking”

 

“Of course darling. May I borrow the lieutenant for a moment please ? I have urgent matter to discuss with him”

 

“Of course, go ahead, we were done” she says.

 

Leading Killian reluctantly to the gardens, The Baroness turned around and stared at Emma for a moment, before Giggling and turning to Killian again.

 

Chapter Text

“Killian darling remember that night you came to me months ago to get your brother out of trouble ?” she said leading him more and more into the gardens. “ Remember how he had a huge gambling debt and I've decided to forget about it for your poor mother's sake but only if you owed me a favor ?”

“Yes Baroness, I remember very well, what can I do for you ?” Killian stopped walking, the gardens were dark and if they stayed too long out there and people saw them come back together they'd start to gossip, but mainly, Emma will be disappointed. Maybe even think he was lying to her by telling her he had never been with a woman. Wait a second, why is she leading me to the gardens if she knows fully well what people say about going to the gardens at night.

Killian looked at his right and saw a couple kissing behind a tree, starting to understand where she was going Killian started to walk back fast.

“Baroness we can't stay in the gardens, people will gossip”

“Then let them. I know you Lieutenant, I know what you want and what you like, I've heard rumors about you and lieutenant Humbert, I know you almost lost your position in the navy because of those so called rumors, I also know that they weren't rumors and that you've been on thin ice ever since”

Killian was horrified. Nobody knew about Graham except his brother, his mother and the admiral and they've all chosen to kept it a well hidden secret for his future's sake”

“How did you –” She cut him with a kiss, which managed to escape. “What are you doing Baroness !!”

“Just checking to see if it were true”

“But you're married” The irony rang in his ears as he said it, Emma too was married, that didn't prevent her from having an affair with him.

“And here's when I ask you for this favor Lieutenant” he cut her this time “ It's out of question Baroness, I'm not going to sleep with you as a favor for money, I am not going to prostitue myself”

“No, simply your reputation Lieutenant, I want people to think we had an affair, the reason is personal but it would benefit you as much as if not more than me. What you chose to do in the time you're in the gardens is entirely up to you.” she extended her hand for him to shake.

“there are no rumors Baroness”

“yes but there could be.” she said wickedly. “ So, what do you say lieutenant, do we have a deal ?”

* *

Minutes passed while Killian was sitting in front of a lake throwing rocks. The Baroness had joined the kissing couple in a now threesome somewhere in the maze.

Killian wasn't sure that accepting this forced deal was a good idea, and he didn't understand why being with Graham was worst than being with such a nasty woman for the Navy. But what was done was done and he needed to go see Emma and tell her about everything as fast as possible or she might believe what the rumors will say about him and DeVil.

Luckily for him the threesome taking place in the maze was over and the Baroness was now in sight “ Let's go now, we've been here long enough”

“Of course darling, I wasn't actually sure you'd still be here. Let's go” Cruella said with her signature smile

Chapter Text

Chapter 18

Joining Snow and Princess Alice who where still talking about the war and their husbands, Emma couldn't help thinking about what Baroness DeVil wanted to talk to Killian about and why he let her lead him into the gardens.

She tried not to care about not knowing what they were doing but couldn't follow the conversations and only nodded and smiled to her interlocutors.

Finally after what felt like eternity, Emma saw him and DeVil come back from the gardens. What were they doing in the gardens all this time ? Killian could never – I mean he would never do that would he ? with her ?! Emma felt dizzy and lightheaded again and sat on the nearest chair.

“Are you alright dear ?” The princess asked with concern after noticing she almost fainted.

Emma felt her heart break thinking about what Killian and the Baroness might have done out there, “ I don't know” she confessed.

“Emma you've gone so pale, maybe we should go back. She hasn't been feeling well lately princess, I think it's wise to take her back home” Snow said to the princess.

“Oh, here you are, I was looking for you” Killian said approaching the group now all sitting around Emma.

“Here we are ? What do you mean “here you are” ?! Where were you ?” Alice asked her son narrowing her eyes. “you disappeared with this – this vil woman for the better part of an hour and you come back as if nothing happened”

Killian clenched his jaw, he hadn't thought about the consequences of his action before agreeing to the woman's plan, it was a spur of the moment decision and now he was coming to regret it seeing how everyone was looking at him, but mainly how his mother and Emma, the two most important women in his life were looking at him.

Killian sighed in exasperation “No you don't get to be exasperated young man, we'll have to talk at home about that” his mother said to him.

“Emma ! I need to speak to Emma in private”

Breaking their eye contact, Emma said “No, I need to go, I'm not feeling well, let's go Snow”

“It will only be a minute” he begged desperately, rocking on his feet.

“can't you see she's not feeling well ? Come on Snow, I'll accompany you to the carriage” the princess said.

* *

Killian kissed her hungrily, his lips marking hers as their own. He caressed her naked thighs, his hands marching their way to her wetness. She moaned in the kiss and as she called his name her voice changed. Looking in the mirror in front of her she realized it wasn't Emma looking back at her but the Baroness DeVil.

Waking up in horror, Emma pained to regain her breath. Was she becoming like the Baroness ? . After all it seems like she did share a lover with her. Emma wanted to cry, she thought he was better than this, she thought he was special, that he understood her, but it seems like she's alone and will always be.

Curling up in bed Emma fell back asleep, tears staining her pillows.

* *

Once again Emma woke up abruptly, but this time not from a nightmare, rushing to her chamber pot, Emma emptied the content of her stomach before one of the servants entered her room intending to open the windows. Seeing her distress, she went out to call Snow who came as fast as she could to hold Emma's hair back.

“It seems like the young lady might be expecting” whispered one of the servants to the other. “I haven't seen anyone this sick since Countess Snow with Leopold”

“Melody, get the doctor please” Snow asked one of them.

“No it's alright, I'm fine Snow, I'm done, it's just something I ate”

“No Emma, you've been doing this for a while now, you should get checked”

“tell you what, if I throw up again tomorrow we call someone in, alright ?” Emma begged. She hated the doctors, besides she didn't think she should disturb one just for a little uneasy stomach. After all she did eat too much yesterday and when she eats too much she tends to throw up.

“Alright, but if you refuse to see someone tomorrow I'll tie you down and call the doctor” Snow smiled at her reluctant sister in law.

Smiling back, Emma nodded.

“Now come on, get up, we have guests” Snow said.

“Really, who's that ?” Emma asked as she got up from the floor, she didn't remember Snow saying anything about having guests today.

“Princess Alice and her son. didn't you hear anything we said yesterday ? as we were leading you to the carriage, and since you felt sick, the princess suggested finishing our conversation and coming to check on you today and Killian was nice enough to accompany her.” Snow confessed, flattered by their visit.

Emma didn't want to see Killian, not after what had happened yesterday. She didn't feel like seeing the princess either so she formed a plan.

“Actually Snow, if you don't mind, I'd like to rest a bit more”

“are you sure ?”

“yes, I'll come down later, just don't let the princess and Kil – the lieutenant wait for me”

“Alright, you rest and I'll take care of them”

* *
Emma heard footsteps and a knock on the door.

“Hello Emma”

“What ? What are you doing here ? How did you know where my room was ?” Emma asked surprised at the presence of Killian.

“I needed to talk to you so I told Snow I was going for a walk and wandered off. I didn't have to walk for long, I asked one of the servants and she lead me to you”

“You risked asking a servant where I was ?! Are you out of your mind ? What if our brothers find out ?” Emma said getting out of her bed. She was wearing her night gown and Killian could see her body through it.

“You worry too much Emma”

“You don't worry enough, you don't think about the consequences of your actions, like, I don't know, yesterday”. Emma was now furious.

“Emma, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Nothing happened between me and DeVil, nothing at all, it wasn't what it looked like”

“Really, because it looked like you spent a good hour in the gardens with a woman known for sleeping around and cheating on her husband.” Emma wanted to shout at him, but all she could do was whisper so that no one would hear them.

“I know Emma, I didn't think, staying in the gardens for so long.” Killian sighed. “I owed her a favor and she asked me to stay in the gardens to repay her”

“So you slept with her as a favor ?! How is that better ?!” Emma thought she couldn't be more furious than before but she was wrong since her anger grew by the minutes. Although she thought she didn't have the right to be angry at his actions – since they were not together in any case – she loved him enough to sleep with him while she's married. But it was all a mistake I'm not in love with him, but of what I thought he was.

“Because I didn't sleep with her, I didn't even return the kiss she gave me” he said defensively. “ She said if I didn't return the favor she'd start a rumor about me that would have made me lose my position in the navy, I didn't have a choice Emma. A rumor about me being with the Baroness physically is better than me losing my position.”

Emma calmed down, she wasn't entirely convinced but a part of her wanted to believe him, wanted to be wrong about him. “And what is that rumor”.

“I need you to promise me you'll never talk about this to anyone”

“Alright” Emma mumbled.

“Promise me Emma” “Alright, I Promise”

“ Years ago I fell in love with another lieutenant. The captain of my ship caught us red handed. We were young and reckless and were kissing. Anyway, the captain told the admiral. The man I loved, Graham, was sent to another ship and we had to swear never to see each other again or we would lose our position”

Emma listened to him intently. Looking him in the eyes, she knew he wasn't lying, that he was saying the truth, her superpower told her.

“Why couldn't you be together ?” she asked.

“Because it's forbidden in the navy” he declared sadly.

Emma could sense his sadness.

“Why did you tell me about that ?” Emma asked, coming closer to him.

“Because I care about how you perceive me Emma, I love you and I don't want to lose you or your respect” Killian said approaching her in return until they were both standing in front of each other”

Emma closed her eyes and got closer to kiss him. Putting her lips on his, she felt like everything was going to be alright. “I love you too” she answered with a smile.

Emma left him and went to lock the door. looking at him “Now that we're alone” .

He raised his eyebrow, understanding the implication of her action.

Chapter Text

After making out for a couple of minutes, Emma and Killian agreed on joining Snow and the princess for lunch.

Killian left the room stealthily, without anyone noticing and joined the others while Emma got changed into a nice baby blue dress. Looking in the mirror, Emma noticed she had a big smile on her face, a smile she had rarely seen there. She was happy. Yet, the realization hit her that while she was happy and in love with Killian, she was still married to Neal and couldn't fully be with him without getting a divorce. But did Killian want to marry her ? Did he want to have a life with her when he just told her he would have been with this other man had it not been for the Navy's rules ?
They needed a serious talk that didn't lead to them making out. A talk without their brothers.

“Mum, look what I found” Henry entered Emma's room with a puppy, breaking her thoughts.

“Oh my, what a cute puppy Henry, where did you find him ?” Emma asked, petting the small dog.

“In the gardens, I think he was abandoned by his master. Can we keep him ?” Henry asked with big round eyes. The kind of eyes Emma could never disappoint.

“Of course Hunny, but we need to ask Snow first” Emma said, already in love with the pet herself.

Emma and Henry left the room together with the puppy, however, Henry being impatient, he decided to run to the room where Snow, the princess and Killian were to ask his aunt about the puppy.

“aunt Snow, do you mind if we keep the puppy” Henry asked impatiently, cutting her mid sentence.

Joining him Emma said “ Henry ! I know you're excited but this was rude, you should wait until she finishes speaking, salute everyone and then ask Snow what you want”

“I'm sorry.”

“It's alright little one, we forgive you” The princess teased. “ Emma, I'm happy you're feeling well enough to join us”

“Hello Princess, Lieutenant” she said, smiling sneakily at Killian who took her hand and kissed it.

“It's nice to see you again” she said before sitting on the sofa beside Killian. Leaving a lot of space so as not to look suspicious.

“So aunt snow, may I keep it ?” Henry said, jumping and, once again, making big eyes.

“I don't know, let me think” Snow teased.

“Please, please, please, please, I'll take care of him and he won't dirty your furniture, I promise” Henry begged, once again jumping.

“Did you ask your mother ?” Snow asked

“Yes and she said ok”

“Then you can keep it” Snow said, approaching the dog to pet him.

“Mummy, she said ok, I have a dog” Henry said excitedly.

“Yes hunny, now how are you going to call him ?” Emma asked, joining Snow and Henry on the floor to play with the dog.

“I think I'll call him peter, like in that I like you to read to me before bed” he said smiling at his mother. Emma smiled back with affection.

Killian watched their exchange with fascination. He had no doubt Emma loved her son and that her son loved her back, as much as he loves his mother but would he forgive Emma should she leave his father ? Killian decided to push this thought aside, after all, there was a dog running on the floor and he couldn't resist playing with it either. He joined them on the floor as Snow got up and joined princess Alice once again on the other couch.

“Peter ? That's a nice name” Killian told Henry.

“It's from my favorite story, Peter Pan. Do you know it ?” Henry asked Killian naively.

“Of course, the one with Captain Hook ? Well guess what ? Since I'm missing a hand, I might actually get a hook to replace it, then i'll become lieutenant Hook. Until I'm promoted to captain and become Captain Hook”

“Wow, Cool !” Henry answered.

Emma watched them interact. My two favorite men getting along together, this day can't get any better. She needed to talk to Killian about their future and if they had one.

The three of them played with the dog before Leopold came to fetch Henry to go to play in the gardens. It was a sunny yet frisky day and they all agreed on going out for a walk with the two boys.

**
In Arendale

Liam was thankful he had been hurt, or he wouldn't have seen her again. In the time he had been transferred with the wounded to Arendale, he had gotten to know her better and to admire her immensely. He got to meet her only relatives, her sister and her brother in law who was part of the Navy as well. And he got along with them very well. Maybe she's the one he thought after days of reflection. He didn't feel the need to party and sleep around anymore since he first saw her. He didn't understand his feelings at first but since the first time he laid eyes on her he couldn't stop thinking of her, of her soft lips on his. He didn't think she was indifferent to his charm either, there was some kind of electricity between them, when he took her hand to help her out of the carriage or when he kissed her hand.

And that's how Liam decided to send a letter to his father to ask his permission to propose to princess Elsa of Arendale.

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They all sat in the gardens, enjoying the sun and each other's stories.

“Countess Cassidy, would you like to come with me on another walk around the garden ?” Killian asked shyly.

“Of course” she answered enthusiastically, she could finally get to talk to him in private.

They walked for a while, neither knowing where to start until Emma broke the silence “ Killian, I'd like to know where we're standing, what's next for us ?”

“Well, I was hoping that, I mean, Ideally you'd leave your husband and marry me, and we'd start a life together” He confessed shyly “ Of course if that's what you want, I am happy to stay as your lover if that's what you want but if you want more as I do then know that I want that too” he babbled not knowing what to say, he knew they had to have this conversation but that didn't make him an more ready for it.

“Well I'd love that Killian” she said with a huge smile on her face “ I'm going to leave Neal and then we'll be able to be together without any shame or fear, however i'd like to know something” Emma thought about what Killian told her about his first love and needed to now more about it.

“Yes love, what is it ?”

“This man you were in love with, had you not both been in the navy, would you have been with him ?” Emma asked boldly.

Killian was surprised by the question, he didn't want her to feel insecure about his love for her but he also didn't want to lie to her . “ I don't know” he confessed “maybe ? Maybe not ? All I now is that I never thought about abandoning the navy for him, to be with him, yet if I had to chose between you and the sea I'd chose you in a heart beat” he professed nervously.

Emma stopped walking and looked him in the eyes. He looked so innocent and in love and all she wanted to do was kiss him, but she knew she couldn't because they were in public.

“ Then it's settled. After the war is over I'll leave Neal and we'll be able to be together” She observed his face as she said those words, noticed his smile getting bigger and his eyes looking hungry. She came to a decision then.

“Killian, remember that place I rented for us to meet last time I was in Misthaven ? What do you think about joining me there tonight ?” she asked him eagerly.

“I'd love that very much love”

After walking some more in silence, both smiling blindly and happy, the princess reminded Killian they had a prior engagement and had to leave but that it would be a pleasure to see them again soon. “You should come tomorrow for diner, Chef Gerard is making us “saumon fumée avec son écrasée de pomme de terre” ”

“that would be a pleasure princess” Snow said hugging her and Killian kissed Emma's hand, lingering again for a little bit longer.

**

“I'm sorry mother, I didn't remember we had a prior engagement, where are we expected ?” Killian asked his mother once in the carriage.

“At your fiancée's estate of course, how could you not remember ? Your father and I agreed that you should get married and fast before going back to war. And from what I see you should get married in the week”

“What ? Why so ?”

“Because you're falling for a married woman son. Yes, I saw your looks, your worry for her the other night, you dancing all the time together”

“I'm not falling for her mother, I'm in love with her, I don't want to marry Tinker Bell”

“Son, your father has already spoken to hers and we're expected there now”

“then tell them I'm not feeling well, that my hand is hurting because it is, constantly mother” he confessed.

“I know Killian, and I hope that you know that I love you and want nothing more than your happiness but once again you're in love with the wrong person, you could have been with Graham if the both of you had been in love enough to leave the Navy, but you weren't. This time your love is married and expecting a baby on it's way, how will you be together”

“Expecting what ? Why are you saying that ?”

“because she's got all the symptoms of pregnancy Killian, she's got morning sickness, lightheaded and have been for a while, without presenting any symptoms of sickness, besides a woman knows those things. Are you willing to break her family and the heart of this adorable young son of hers ? To make her baby grow up without his or her father ? How long until you find another impossible relationship and leave her in disgrace?”

“I want to marry her, she's leaving her husband”

“well she won't leave him when she realizes she's expecting his baby” The princess said, she was sad to break her son's heart but he had to know he couldn't have his way.

“Listen, I'll send Tinker Bell a note saying you weren't feeling well when we get back home, but I want you to promise me to think about what I said, alright ?”

“Alright” he agreed reluctantly.

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Killian didn't know what to do. Was his mother right ? Could Emma be pregnant ? Who's child is it ? Was it Neal's or could it be his ? His head hurt and he felt dizzy. Sitting down he felt cold and started to panic this is not the time to have another fit he thought and tried to think of anything other than having panic attacks since he knew that would start one. He closed his eyes and put his head between his legs and breathed. He decided to think about Emma, her lips. After a while it seemed to work on his panicking state, the thought of Emma made him feel safe and grounded.

He would have to ask her tonight when they meet up about her possible pregnancy.

* *

“Congratulations Countess”, one of the servants said.

“What for, Dorothy ?” Emma asked, confused.

“The pregnancy” she said

“What pregnancy ?” Emma asked again, still confused.

“Yours, you're expecting Countess, aren't you ? Or at least that's what Granny's saying” Dorothy confessed shyly.

Emma couldn't believe it, could she be pregnant ? She hadn't been intimate with Neal for months now, however she did sleep with Killian, and of course she did so without protection. How foolish of them, she thought.

Rushing to her room, Emma felt the urge to throw up. Everything made sense to her now. She had been feeling unwell for a couple of days now, morning sickness, dizziness, fatigue and nausea, these were pregnancy symptoms !!!

What will she do ? What will Killian think when he finds out ? Will he believe her that it's his child ?

Thankfully they were supposed to meet up soon so she'd then get to tell him and find out what to do from then. She needed to get a divorce and sooner than she thought.

* *

It was a cosy apartment, not too big, just enough for a large bed and a table. She didn't expect much of it but it was better than what she expected. It was well furnished and in a well hidden street not too far from her brother's estate so it was perfect.

It didn't take long before she heard knocking on the door. Knock knock knock

She opened the door and found the man she's been expecting. He rushed inside so as not to be seen and closed the door behind him.

Touching his cold cheeks, she caressed it before they kissed. A small tender kiss, not what either of them expected of that night hadn't they come to find out about her pregnancy.

“Killian I have something to tell you” she said, breaking the kiss

“What is it, love ?” he said, concerned.

“Remember how we made love that day in your room before I left for Misthaven ?” she asked worried.

“yes ?”

“well, it seems like I'm pregnant, I'm expecting a baby, and it's yours” she said, tears filling her eyes. She didn't know why she wanted to cry, was it because she was scared of his reaction ? Or because she only just realized the implications of such pregnancy ?

Killian laughed nervously, he was happy and relieved she told him on her own but he was also terribly mad at himself for thinking it was Neal's. “You're sure ?” he asked, putting his hand on her cheek.

“Yes” she said with a smile, the tears now falling on her cheeks.

“Well I guess things have to move quicker than we expected” he thought out loud looking her in the eyes. He kissed her once more, this time hungrily.

Walking backwards, Emma lead them to the bed and pulled him down with her.

“Careful love, the baby” he said, sitting up.

“Don't worry Killian, it's nothing but a small bean at the moment” she said, giggling pulling him back in a sleeping position. She kissed him on the jawline while her hand made their way to his shirt, unbuttoning it. She took his shirt off while he tried to undo her corset urgently with his one hand. Emma saw his distress and helped him by undoing the front of her dress and standing up to take it off.

Killian had never seen a naked woman before, not even last time they made love, and now he understood why most men he's met have been obsessed about it. Emma was a beautiful woman, a swan, elegant and pure but also untamable and wild. Killian felt the evidence of his arousal and his pants constrict. She saw it too and undid his pants, she was terribly aroused as well and was dripping wet. Emma climbed on top of him and stroked his arousal. Killian grunted and felt like he was about to cum so he stopped her hands.

“Just think about something else, think about something – something that doesn't arouse you – and you'll last longer” she said between kisses.

Killian lay down and relaxed and thought about the something else. Caressing his arousal once again Emma asked “Ready ?”. He nodded eagerly in answer. Emma climbed on top of him and impaled herself on his cock, both moaning and grunting in response, enjoying the feeling of being full and complete

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I decided to pick back this story and try to finish it during confinement. I would like to thank JoAnne for giving me the motivation to finish it and showing me people are still reading CS fanfics and still reading this one. Please Like and comment and follow and show me you're still reading. It fuels me like a car. Thanks XOXO.

** Previously on Selfish For Once :

Countess Emma Cassidy and Lieutenant Killian Jones met and fell in love and despite David and Liam's advices, consummated their love. Emma found out she was pregnant and Killian and her had a plan : she would leave her husband in order to marry Killian.

Killian is betrothed to Tinker Bell. His parents are urging him to marry as soon as possible before he has to go back to war for his mother found out about his affair with Countess Emma, Counselor Neal Cassidy's wife, and despite being happy her son was once again happy (after he was forced to leave his first love – Lieutenant Humbert – because of navy rules) she was convinced it was a lost cause and that the her son had to let Emma go back to her family and avoid scandal or he would risk not only his position this time, but also his honor are reputation and the reputation of his family.

Liam loved to party hard, until he met Princess Elsa of Arendale.

War was raging. Killian was expected to train in order to go back to front.

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You might want to skip parts of this chapter if you're against Graham/ Killian moments. I'll write “skip” before so you would know.

Please comment and like (Or dislike), it fuels me. Oh, and don't forget to check y other WIP “Head in the Clouds”.

**SKIP

6 Years ago

Graham entered his room to a sight that made his blood rush to his groin.

Lieutenant Jones, his bestfriend, was naked in his bed. His eyes were closed and his hand was under the sheets, obviously stroking his hard cock.

Graham didn't say anything as he closed the door behind him.

Killian opened his eyes embarrassed. And rushingly straightened himself in bed.

“Please, don't stop” Graham said, dead serious, staring him straight in the eyes as he approached, but Killian was frozen of horror.

Getting out of his stupor, Killian noticed Graham's budge.

“Is seeing me in this compromising situation arouse you ? Do you like humiliating me ?” Killian accused, reaching for his clothes.

Graham rushed beside him, holding his hand before he grabbed his clothes. “Oh Killian, when will you understand. The last thing I want to do is humiliate you ! I love you.” Graham looked him in the eyes again, lifting his jaw that was now down. “and I want you.”

**

The lieutenant woke up. He was back in his bed. Was it all a dream ? He wondered...

Had he really been in war and was he injured ? He quickly checked his body to know if he was injured. It hadn't been a dream. He was indeed injured. He had been stabbed in the leg and in the gut. He was probably lucky to still be alive. He must have been out for a while since he was not at front in Glenhaven but back in his bed in Misthaven.

**

Killian and Emma left the apartment, they had a plan. First Emma would have to contact Neal to ask him for a divorce. If he refused she would have to find a lawyer to file for divorce. She really hoped Neal would agree since she was pregnant and would probably show in about two or three months, if not before. Then Emma would be free to marry Killian and to hell with their reputation, she could take being ostracized if it meant being with the man she loved.

In Parallel, Killian would have to break his betrothal and make his intentions clear and stand to his father.

**

Princess Alice excused her son's absence “ He was sick and even though he really couldn't wait to come I advised him against exerting himself before having to go back to battle”.

“When is he expected to go back, Princess ?” Wendy, Tinker Bell's mother asked.

“In two weeks, which is not enough time to train, but he is fully recovered and his presence is needed in Glenhaven”

“Princess, it has came to my attention that your son has a scandal going at the moment. We've been friends for a long time Alice and when we talked about our children marrying we both agreed knowing, or rather thinking, our children were... how can I say that Alice ...”

Alice interrupted her friend with a controlled anger “Don't worry Wendy, I understand. I'm afraid I have to go, I am not feeling very well myself”

“No Alice, please stay, I just mean that our children aren't compatible given the circumstances. Tink can't be marrying a man who's rumored to having an affair with Baroness Devil.”

“Have a nice day Wendy” Alice exited the manor and waited for her carriage.

**

“KILLIAN !” Princess Alice shouted upon entering her son's room.

“You have brought shame to this family ! To me !” Princess Alice said with uncontrolled anger. Killian noticed she was also crying.

“Mother, what happened ?” Killian asked, worried at the sight.

Princess Alice felt dizzy, she sat on his bed. “I never thought you'd make me feel so ashamed to be your mother” she cried. “The wedding is off, I hope you're happy”.

She got up abruptly and felt even more dizzy and had to straighten herself on her son's right arm.

“Mother, are you alright ? Mother ?” As she tried to let go of her son's arm, princess Alice fainted.

“MOTHER !!!” Killian shouted “Help ! Bring a doctor !!”.

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Chapter 23

“MOTHER” Killian screamed as he woke up. It hadn't been a dream. He got up and put his dressing gown on before rushing through the corridors to check on his ailing mother.

It had been a week since Princess Alice fainted in Killian's room and ever since, Killian felt so guilty for what happened. For making his mother suffer. And he tried hard to make amends, tried to explain to his mother nothing happened with DeVil, tried to find a way to make things better but all he could think about was Emma and their baby.

What would happen when she finds out I've destroyed Emma's family and she's pregnant with my child. He thought. And although a part of him dreaded her reaction, another part was excited to tell her she would be a grandmother soon.

Emma had sent him many letters and he had yet to answer. She knew what had happened. Everyone knew by then, thanks to Wendy Bell and her daughter, and many people tried to come visit Princess Alice and show their support to her and her family.

People knew about the rumor at that point, but most didn't believe that a man as honorable, aloof and discreet as Killian Jones could actually be associated with Baroness Cruella DeVil. But then again there were many rumors about him and nobody knew what to believe or not. The only thing they were sure of was that he was very close to Princess Alice and Princess Alice was a great woman, in all ways a woman, mother and wife could be.

“I'm sorry mother” he said to her as she was still sleeping.

**

Emma was sat in her room, surrounded by many crumpled papers.

She had sent Killian many letters, trying to find out how his mother and him were. Trying to find out what was happening. Was he having second thoughts about them ? Was their plan not in order anymore ?

What should I do ? She didn't know if she should write Neal that letter, or what to put in it. Nor did she know if she should write Killian another one and what to say in it. She felt truly lost and nothing seemed certain in her mind anymore. Nothing but her love for Killian and above all, for her son, Henry.

Suddenly, she felt dizzy and had a horrible stomach pain “Snow ? SNOW !”

**

“She's getting better. She'll be alright, she's a fighter” The doctor said leaving the room. “ at the moment she needs to rest and breath fresh air” He said.

“Thank you doctor Whale” Killian said, shaking the doctor's hand.

“Doctor Whale, you're needed at the Nolan's estate quickly. Their carriage is waiting for you outside”

“Alright” Doctor Whale said ending the handshake “ I'll be back in 2 days, in the meanwhile, you should rest too lieutenant, your hand isn't fully healed either.” and with that, the doctor left the room.

“Will ? What's happening ?” Killian said once the doctor left the Manor. “What's happening in the Nolan's estate ?”

“I don't know lieutenant, just that their valet came and asked for the doctor urgently” stated Will Scarlett.

“ prepare my horse Will, I need to go”

“Of course sir.” Will said as he rushed out of the room.

What's happening, was it Emma, was she hurt ?