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"Fuck I'm So Gay"

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Bram’s mind was wandering. Wandering to places that weren’t appropriate for lunch. Weren’t appropriate for school. He had tried very hard to think about anything other than grabbing Simon right now, pinning him against the lunch table, and making out with him. He needs to not think about that. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat trying to reposition himself into a more comfortable position to try and diminish his problem. Unfortunately, shifting positions only causes friction that make him more aware of how not good this situation was for him. He tried shifting again, barely being able to conceal his wince, gaining him a strange glance from Garrett.

Yeah, most definitely not appropriate for lunch. A lunch he had with his best friend and close second, Nick. And awkwardly, three people he barely spoke to. Not that he didn’t try to talk to them. He did. He tried very often to muster the courage to acknowledge them individually. But he always fails to get over the idea he’d be making a complete fool of himself. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t intimidated by Leah and Abby. The way that it seems at least one of them was always accompanying Simon. He has luckily been able to keep his crush on Simon a secret from everyone, with the exception of Garrett. He knew everything. Bram had told him about the emails, Jacques, and how he was Blue. And even though he is the only person who knows Bram’s secret, he was positive that Abby or Leah would soon catch on to how utterly smitten he is, even if Simon’s oblivious to his feelings.

Bram can’t risk that. He has kept his hopeless crush a secret for more than two years. That can’t change now.

So, he avoids talking to Leah, Abby, and Simon as much as possible. That was the plan, always had been the plan, that way he was able to stare and appreciate Simon from afar.

That was the plan, until Simon decides to show up at lunch with stage makeup, including that god forsaken eyeliner. Which did wonders to his eyes and causes Bram’s mind to drift straight into the gutter. Bram’s salad becomes completely forgotten the second Simon sits down between Abby and Leah, inconveniently right across from him.

He tries to pay attention to literally anything else in the room. Trying, with much difficulty, to read the anti-bullying posters taped up on the far wall of the cafeteria. It is taking everything in him to drown out the sounds of Abby and Leah’s voices talking about how hot Simon was. He is doing quite well with all of it, he thinks, repeating “bullying is a key that opens no lock” over and over again in his head. He starts to feel confident that he was going to make it through lunch without drawing any suspicion. That was until someone’s leg brushed up against his own under the table. He glanced back to the table and was met with Simon staring right back at him, with eyes that had to be illegal.

“Sorry.” Simon mumbled quickly, smiling in his direction, and Bram swore that he could die happily. Now that Simon Spier with his lined grey eyes had smiled at him. Not just in his presence, but directly at him, his life was complete.
Bram really can pass to the other side with no regrets now.

“Oh, ugh, don’t worry about it.”

Smooth, Bram, smooth. He can’t even be mad at himself for stuttering. He has a bigger problem, because now that he has looked directly at Simon, he was not going to be able to look anywhere but at Simon.

He can’t help himself. What right did Simon have sitting there looking like that. Looking so utterly perfect. Simon Spier has always been attractive. He’s unbearably cute, with his blonde fringe, oversized hoodies, and those grey eyes. The eyeliner was short circuiting his brain. The usual cute Simon, with his unbearably cute hair, grey eyes, and oversized hoodies, seems like a different person now. Hot. So hot. Bram blames the makeup entirely.

Bram is really trying to look away. He is trying to get all the willpower he has and apply it to looking away from Simon and focus on literally anything else in the room. His eyes just stay staring, he can’t peel them away and truthfully, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever  be able to.

“Fuck, I’m so gay.”

He hears the words come out of his mouth before he gets the chance to register that he’s speaking. And then it’s just panic. He wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. All five of them are looking at him completely silent, presumably waiting for an explanation. He doesn’t have one. He doesn’t have an explanation that won’t give too much away. He’s out. He can no longer hide behind Blue, or play the straight soccer player, because he just admitted to being gay. The silence starts to get a bit awkward.

Garret leans over and whispers into his ear. “Bro, not to come off like I don’t support you, cause I totally do, but I think you just came out. To your crush none the less. And you look like you just saw a ghost. So, if you want to get up and leave, I’ll do my best to cover for you.”

Thank God for Garrett. He turns to face Garrett, gives a quick nod, swings his backpack over his shoulder and leaves the cafeteria as quickly as possible without causing a further scene.

He hears a chair being pushed back and then some hurried clutter of someone getting up from the table to follow him. He quickens up his pace hoping Garret keeps to his word of covering for him. He pushed the cafeteria door opens and starts down the hall. The situation finally getting a chance to fully set in.

He’s not upset he realizes. Whenever he had thought of actually coming out to people other than his parents and Garrett in his mind it seemed like such a big deal. And it just wasn’t. Sure, proclaiming his gayness while staring at Simon surrounded by his closest friends had caused him to panic slightly, but that had less to do with the that thing and more to do with the staring at Simon and practically confessing his love thing. He’s relieved to realize that he’s okay with the being openly gay, which certainly makes everything a lot easier. If only he somehow could take back the obvious point that it was Simon who made him confess in that way.

He stops in the middle of the hallway. Realising he’s made it about halfway to his locker. He doesn't care, he realizes. The relief of having the weight off his shoulders makes him realize how little he actually cares. He doesn't care that his friends know he’s gay. He doesn't care that they know about his massive crush on Simon, because he finally feels like he can breathe. He feels like he can finally take a breath. If things don’t work out with Simon he’ll be okay he realizes. His life doesn’t depend on one boy liking him. He has soccer, and an awesome best friend, and school. So he’d be okay if Simon didn’t feel the same way. Simon isn't the kind of person to rub anything in, they could go right back to being sorta friends without things being too awkward. Garrett would definitely not be a problem. Nick doesn’t  have any right to make fun of him with how blatant his crush on Abby is. And he cares very little on Leah and Abby’s opinions on the whole thing.

Really, the only person who’s opinion on the matter he cares about is Simon’s. And he hadn't even stuck around long enough to see his reaction to Bram’s ogling and announcing that he was gay for him. Fuck, he was an idiot. He has to go find out what Simon thinks of the new developments.

He starts to turn around, only to run head first into someone.

“I’m so sorry I wasn't paying attention to whe-” He starts apologizing, rambling a little, trying to get away to find Simon. After brushing off his jeans he looks up and realizes the search isn't going to be that hard. “Simon?”

“You walk really really fast,” Simon says slightly out of breath and smiling at Bram. How Bram got lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that smile twice in one day he wasn’t sure. “Look Bram, as you already probably know, I’m gay too, and I just wanted to let you know that, you don’t have to be ashamed,”

“Simon, I’m not ashamed of being gay.” He says trying to stop Simon’s rambling.

“And that we won’t tell anyone, coming out is your thing,” Simon continues clearly disregarding the fact that Bram was trying to interrupt. “And we all totally support you. I mean I don’t know about Garett, but he didn’t seem to take it too poorly back there. Leah, Nick, Abby, and I are totally chill with it.”

“Simon.”

“And I really don’t want you to think that us being quiet when we found out was us being uncomfortable with it.”

“Simon.”

“We were all just a little surprised is all.” Bram reaches his arms out and grabs Simon’s shoulders, finally getting his attention.

“That wasn't why I ran out.” He inhales deeply and lets out a sigh. “I’m not ashamed of being gay, Simon, I’ve had a long time to come to terms with it, you know having a crush on you since freshman year and all.”

“Wait, wait, what? You have a crush on me?”

Bram pinches his nose and tries to calm his nerves, Simon has always a little oblivious. Him staring at Simon all of lunch must have gone completely over the cute Oreo loving boys head. He was gonna have to spell it out for him. He took another few long breaths noticing how Simon was staring waiting for a response.

“I’m Blue.”