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I Think We Should Get Married

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Regina is sitting at her desk doing paperwork when Emma barges in.

She looks up with a sigh and says, “Miss Swan, why you insist on barg-”

“I think we should get married.”

Regina just stares at Emma for a moment, not sure if she heard her correctly.


“I think we should get married.”


“Yes,” Emma said while nodding. She took a seat across from Regina and continued. “It’s a good idea. I spend a lot of nights at the mansion already.”

“In the guest room,” Regina interrupted.

“Well, yeah, but who cares? I’m still over at the mansion most nights now. And you cook me dinner every night. You do my laundry. You make sure I have lunch. We raise Henry together. See? It makes sense. We should get married.”


“No? Why not?” Emma whined.

“Because Miss Swan. If you wanted to live at the mansion you could’ve just asked me. We don’t need to be married for you to live there.”

“That’s not why. Well, that’s mostly not why.”

“Oh,” Regina said, raising an eyebrow. “Then what is the reason?”

“We love each other.”

“We love each other?”

Emma sighed. “Regina, are you just going to keep repeating what I say, or are you going to marry me?”

“Marry you?” Regina loudly exclaimed. “Why would I marry you?”

“Because Regina, we love each other. Duh.” Emma said exasperatedly.

“I’m sorry Miss Swan. I was unaware we were in love.”

“Of course we are Regina! Why do you think you let me stay at the mansion? Or cook me dinner? And do my laundry? Do you think best friends just do that for each other? No. Ruby doesn’t come stay with me when I spend the night at my parent’s house. I don’t do her laundry.”

“Miss Swan, you don’t even do your own laundry.”

“See? That right there! We bicker. Old married couples bicker. It means they love each other.”

“No, it means they’ve spent so long with each other they’re fed up with one another.”

“Stop being such a pessimist Regina. We’re in love. You took in a death curse for me. You gave me your memories of raising Henry. We moved the moon together. I became The Dark One for you. If we weren’t in love do you think we really would’ve done those things? Hell, I saved you from a fire. I didn’t even like you then!”

Regina is silent for a moment.

“Emma. We haven’t even kissed yet, let alone went on a date.”

“Regina, do we really need to date? We already know everything about each other. We’ve basically been dating for years. We’ve basically been married for years if you take into account that we haven’t had sex.”

“Miss Swan, whether or not we have sex is no indication of us being married.”

“Uhm, yeah Regina. It is. Ever heard of lesbian bed death?”

“Lesbian bed death?”

“Yeah, it’s when lesbians stop having sex. That’s basically us. Minus the sex.”

Emma sighed. “Look Regina, I’ve been in love with you for years. Somehow I went from hating you, to tolerating you, to liking you, to loving you. You’re my best friend and the mother of my child. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night. I know we haven’t gone about this the normal way, but it’s us. What would we be if not abnormal? I know you feel the same way Regina. We can go on a few dates if you want, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Like I said, we already know everything about each other, we’re basically living together and raising Henry. Getting married would just mean I’d move into your room and we could have sex. Like, lots and lots of sex. And kissing. And cuddling. See! Look at all of the benefits you’d have if we got married.”

“Well, if we got married you would have to start contributing around the house.”

“Hey, I already do! I do the lawn. And help you plant your flower thingies.”

Regina scowls as she says, “Those flower thingies as you so eloquently put it, are flower pots. And I mean more than just doing the lawn, Emma. I want a partner. Someone to help me do chores around the house, not just someone expecting to get their laundry done.”

“Okay, we both know you have to do the laundry. I didn’t mean to throw my red shirt in with the whites Regina.”

“Miss Swan,” Regina growls, “If you knew how to adequately do the laundry, you would think to check what you’re washing before you just throw everything in the washer. My favorite silk blouse is now pink! If I wanted a pink blouse, I would’ve bought one.”

Emma sheepishly looks away from Regina.

“Woah, wait a second. You think I wanted my Batman shirt to be pink? I used to look so badass. Now I look like Batman’s loser sister. I don’t even look like Batgirl when I’m wearing that shirt now, Regina. I look like a loser! So yeah, I can’t do the laundry. But I can do other things!”

“Like what Miss Swan?”

“Well, I can… uhm, I can… oh! I know! I can give you an orgasm every day!”

“Just one?” Regina questioned, raising her eyebrow.

“Nooo. Not just one. What am I saying? I meant one in the morning to wake you up and one at night right before you go to sleep. And during lunch too! I won’t even eat lunch anymore. I’ll just come and bring you a salad from Granny’s to eat after and I’ll spend the whole lunch hour under your desk. You can even eat while I’m eating you,” Emma said with a big grin on her face while wiggling her eyebrows.

Regina stares at Emma, a slight smile starting to form on her face.

“Well, when you put it that way Miss Swan, I suppose we should get married. Since you’ll be earning your keep. If you give me those orgasms every day and do the lawn then we’re even. You don’t need to help around the house, you’ll be pretty tired. And it doesn’t hurt that I’m in love you too.”

Emma beamed at Regina as she started to get up.

“Awesome! I’m so excited! I love you Regina. I can’t wait to tell my mom.” Emma walked to the door and opened it.

“She’s gonna be so excited helping us plan the wedding.” Emma threw over her shoulder as she shut the door.

“Miss Swan!” Regina exclaimed as she heard Emma laughing from the other side of the door.