It was on a show in New York it happened.
The whole day, Ryan had been feeling what you could call a little bit off. He was pretty paranoid and jumped at every small thing. Dallon asked several times if he was alright but Ryan didn’t even hesitate when he said yes. Dallon had looked at him with a skeptical look in his beautiful blue eyes.
Dallon dragged a hand through his hair, sighed and went back to eating his pasta and whatever that green stuff was. Ryan guessed it was broccoli maybe? He mentally rolled his eyes for thinking about broccoli. He looks down at his own plate and decides he should eat. So words said (thought), Ryan takes his fork in his sweaty palm and goes for the rice on his plate. After half of the rice fell down twice, Ryan shoved the fork in his mouth. He chewed on it longer than necessary because he can’t bring himself to swallow, it feels like something is stuck in his throat. After awhile Ryan had to take his napkin and spit it out discretely. Not discrete enough for Dallon not to notice. He raised an eyebrow which meant “you okay?”, he did that often Ryan noticed. Ryan just smiled at him with a smile which said “yeah, totally but I’m lying, please see that I’m not okay”. Dallon didn’t pick it up, just smiled back and stuck down his fork in the middle of the spaghetti and spinned the fork to get up the spaghetti.
Ryan suddenly felt like if he had to eat one single rice corn more, he would vomit. So Ryan just leaned back and watched Dallon shoving down the spaghetti and (probably) broccoli down his throat.
When they came back to the hotel they’re staying at, Ryan doesn’t know how many times he had tried to dry of his sweaty hand on his pants and he had probably sweated a lot on his back. Thank god he chose to wear a black t-shirt this morning.
Dallon is currently lying in the queen sized bed, reading something on his phone probably. Ryan didn’t know what to do so he sat down in the mini couch that was on the other side of the room and started playing games on his phone. It was sound check soon anyways.
When it’s finally sound check, Ryan has started feeling slightly nauseous but he doesn’t complain. It’s for the fans he’s playing and if Dallon saw that he is nauseous, he wouldn’t get to play. He’s sitting behind his drums, maybe one meter away from it since he shoved back his stool to be able to lean back on the wall. He has started feeling a bit dizzy as well. They’re about to be on in five minutes. He can’t decline now, even if he really felt like he needed.
Five minutes goes faster than he thought and soon Dallon’s giving Ryan a half assed side hug before the walks on the stage and starts singing »Nobody likes the opening band«. Ryan walk onto the stage and settles down behind his drums. The next song is Choke and Ryan feels his control slipping out of his grip. It’s like grabbing something round covered with soap. He still manages to only mess up a few times. Dallon looks very happy because tonight they had extra big public. That was a negative thing according to Ryan since he felt like he wouldn’t be able to play more than five songs tonight.
Ryan’s prediction was right, on the fifth song, Mr. Sinister, his favourite song, it happens. Ryan’s breath hitch and he can’t breathe anymore, he’s still playing. Ryan’s vision becomes blurred and he can barely see now, yet he’s still playing, not wanting to disappoint the fans. Ryan’s shaking and he’s freezing, even though it’s over 25 C in here and he’s clutching his drums sticks so tight it hurts and he can’t breath. Then Ryan can’t hear and he can’t breath, it’s impossible. Tears are running down his cheeks and it’s way too hot. Too hot to function and he’s sure he’s going to die. He tries to gain some control and speak into the mic that’s above him. He’s gripping the drums tightly and silently and shakily utters
»Dallon, can’t breathe, help,«
Dallon stops mid sentence when he’s supposed to sing “so I’ll open you up and make yours beat for me too” but he stops after “make”.
»Wait, stop, stop, cut it!«
Dallon says into the microphone and Ryan’s hyperventilating at this moment. Tears are streaming down and he tries to grab something to keep him grounded. Every back sound dies and Dallon basically throws his bass to the sound tech guys. He hurry over to Ryan who’s shaking so bad and has fallen down to his right side, facing away from the public. Dallon crouch in front of Ryan.
»Ryan, can you hear me?«
Ryan nods slightly.
»Can I touch you?«
Ryan nods again, still hyperventilating. Dallon slowly reaches out and grabs Ryan’s hand. Ryan’s hand is sweaty just like the rest of him and Dallon doesn’t really know how to help him.
»Can you try and breathe in the same tempo as me?«
Dallon ask and Ryan nods. Dallon takes a deep breath in and Ryan tries to copy, fails a bit but Dallon still counts it as success. Dallon exhale and Ryan tries to copy as well as he can. It’s hard but he manage to control his breathing pretty good.
»Can you breath?«
Ryan mouths “yes” because if he moves or tries to speak he will vomit.
»Let’s get you backstage, yeah?«
Dallon place his hands hand under Ryan who is shaking still. He lifts the man up and goes to the mic.
»I’m sorry but we have to break this show here. Maybe we can fix some meet and greet, someone will inform you later.«
Ryan hears the crowd shouting but he’s far too anxious to hear what they’re screaming. The taller man carries Ryan backstage to get privacy. It doesn’t take long to find a couch and Dallon puts Ryan down. The blue haired boy has stopped shaking which Dallon takes as a good sign.
»Hey Ry, everything’s fine, okay? You’re here and I’m with you. Nothing can hurt you. No one is gonna hate you. Okay,«
Dallon speaks and Ryan takes the others hand and squeeze it as a confirmation that he heard. Dallon smiles sadly at him and tries to stand up from the couch. Ryan whines and tries with the little energy left drag him down.
«Please don’t leave me,«
And it just makes Dallon’s heart clench and he slips down besides Ryan, lying down on the couch.
”Uhm.. Can I.. Can I lie on you? It’s uncomfortable like this.”
Ryan stutters out. Without saying anything, Dallon wraps his arms around Ryan’s waist and turns them around so Ryan’s lying on Dallon. Dallon puts his hand on Ryan’s head. He let it rest there heavily and slowly scratch Ryan’s neck. Ryan sighs and feels all energy pour out of him. He feels like he’s becoming hypnotized by Dallon steady breathing and when Ryan’s almost asleep he hears Dallon whispering.
“You know, it’s weird of me talk to you when you’re asleep but I just need to tell you take I love you no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you’re having a panic attack or if you’re feeling the best you ever will or if you want to kill yourself, I will still love you. You’re just so.. love able. I don’t know if that’s a word.”
A hand caressed Ryan’s cheekbone. Dallon sighed and spoke again.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Ryan mumbled before falling asleep in Dallon’s arms.