(The Fab 5 are riding in the car. Tan’s driving because he’s the only one who isn’t freaked out by the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the vehicle.)
Tan: (checking himself out for a second in the rear-view mirror) So, where are we going this week, lads?
Karamo: We are headed to Hogwarts—
Karamo: --to meet Rubeus Hagrid.
(Screen cuts to Hagrid)
Hagrid: I suppose I’m a bit lonely. Olympe left me because she said there weren’t room in me life for ‘er. (Sighs) I told ‘er I’d be happy ter build ‘er a bigger hut.
(Back in the vehicle)
Karamo: So, Hagrid—
Antoni: I thought his name was Rubeus?
Karamo: Everybody calls him ‘Hagrid.’
Tan: If my name was ‘Rubeus,’ I’d wear that s**t like a badge of honor.
Bobby: You already have a ridiculous name!
Tan: What if I changed my name to Rubeus? Would you all call me that?
Karamo: So, Hagrid is 67-years-old, he lives alone in a hut on the Hogwarts lawn…
Johnathan: Ewww! Bobby, hunny, can you fix him?
Bobby: Well, huts are the new cabins.
Antoni: (Sitting there. Being beautiful.) I don’t know what that means.
Karamo: Hagrid is a half giant—
Johnathan: Ooooh. Delicious.
Karamo: --who enjoys hunting in the Forbidden Forest—
Johnathan: Naughty boy!
Karamo: --fostering terrifying animals—
Karamo: --and gardening.
(Screen cuts to Karamo talking to the camera)
Karamo: I’m actually feeling really good about meeting Hagrid. The fact that he has all these interests at his age is incredibly reassuring. I like a man with hobbies. (looks intently at the screen) It drives you.
(Back to car)
Karamo: (reading again) Hagrid is recently single—
(gasps all around)
Johnathan: Oh, Hagrid, baby!
Karamo: --but is looking to get back out there and find the future Mrs. Rubeus Hagrid!
Bobby: Turn that bachelor hut into a love nest!
(Screen cuts to Antoni)
Antoni: It’s rare that I get to meet a man who gardens. I’m hoping that this means he’ll be open to using fresh ingredients, if he’s not already doing that.
Tan: (yelling from offscreen) Antoni, darling, you know avocados don’t grow in Scotland!
Antoni: (face falling) F**k!
Karamo: (reading) He was nominated by his coworker, Minerva.
Johnathan: Oooh! What is up with all these delicious namessss? I wanna be Minerva? Tan, what if you changed your name to ‘Rubeus’ and I changed my name to ‘Minerva”?
(screen cuts to McGonagall)
McGonagall: Yes, I nominated Hagrid. (Stares severely at the screen) And that’s all I have to say on the matter.
Tan: (looking confused around the countryside) Wasn’t someone supposed to meet us? I don’t think we can get into the castle if we don’t do bloody magic.
(Cue awesome Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!
(Hagrid sitting on a stone behind his hut, skinning a ferret. He looks up when a car parks right in front of his hut and five homosexual men come out of it)
Johnathan: (gasps) Oh my Gaw-sssshhhh! She’s. Gorg. Come here, my little baby giant with your ferosh beard!
(Hagrid, obviously scared, freezes his knife on the ferret)
Johnathan: Girrrrrlllll, when I’m through with you, you are going to say goodbye Duck Dynasty and HELLLOOOO Joe Lando in Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
Hagrid: (squints his eyes) Don’ know those people.
(Hagrid is suddenly enveloped in a large group hug. He softens. He likes hugs and these men are all unusually good at it. He smiles. He’s much too big to give any one person the kind of hug he enjoys, so he revels in the warmth and glow of the Fab 5’s hug.)
(Screen splits to Hagrid)
Hagrid: They seem like alright blokes.
(screen splits to Johnathan)
Johnathan: Hagrid is giving me…SO MUCH mole man. I need him to give me… (snaps fingers) jungle cat. I need (snaps fingers) Paul Bunyan. Cuz right now…I am getting…SO MUCH brunette Santa and hunny, I do not want those presents!
(Hagrid is overwhelmed as all five men pile into his hut)
Johnathan: Oh, my gaww-sssshhhh! You have a doggy! Hello, doggy! (tries to pet him)
Hagrid: That there’s Fang. He’s shy.
Johnathan: Awwww! I love shy! Hell-OOOO, shy poochie!
Fang: (gets up and hides behind armchair.)
Bobby: (slams hand on the back of chair) Tell me about this chair!
Hagrid: (shrugs) It’s a chair.
Bobby: It’s gone.
(scene cuts to Bobby)
Bobby: Hagrid’s hut is…not the kind of place a 67-year-old man should be living. There are dead ferrets in the corner, there’s no ventilation, so it’s…you know…kind of a miracle that Hagrid’s still alive.
Tan: (holding a scarf made of ferret pelts in his hands) Where is your closet?
Hagrid: (shrugs) Don’ really have one.
All: (blinks at him)
Tan: So…where do you keep your clothes?
Hagrid: (Pats himself on the chest) I wear ‘em.
All: (dramatic gasps!)
Johnathan: OH, hunnny!!!! Do you not have any other clothes? What do you do if you want to show off how gorgeous you are???
(Cuts scene to Tan)
Tan: (hasn’t said anything for five minutes) So…okay, I guess…my goal…is just to get Hagrid in something besides the same moleskin coat he’s been wearing for the past 50 years. Every man should have a good pair of jeans, a nice, classic pair of black shoes…a second shirt. (looks genuinely offended)
Johnathan: So, where is your gorgeous bathroom?
Hagrid: (points outside)
All: (dramatic gasps!)
Johnathan: (grimace) Oh, no, hunny!!! You cannot be doing your ones and twos out in your vegetable patch.
Hagrid: (shrugs) It’s good for the soil.
(The camera cuts to the Fab 5 in their loft, fanning each other. Tan and Johnathan are sobbing on the floor.)
Johnathan: Okay. So. I think I like…already know the answer to this question…but like…what does your like…morning routine look like? Like…what do you do for you?
Hagrid: Well, I uh…I take a shower whenever it rains.
All: (wait for him to continue)
Hagrid: That’s it.
All: (gasps dramatically!)
(cuts to Johnathan)
Johnathan: (gapes at the camera) I just can’t even, like WHAT??? Like…how? How does my poor, baby, gorgeous Hagrid live like this? Oh, hunny, we have got some work. (snap) To. (snap) Do!
Tan: Okay. Okay. It’s not that bad. It’s Scotland. It rains like every day here.
Johnathan: Okay, so Hagrid…I’m like…obsessed with you and all, like maybe I’m about to move in here and let you be my little sugar granddaddy, but hunnnyyy…you have got to take care of yourself! Like…I’m not trying to be mean….but when I look at you…I don’t feel safe. And I feel like you deserve that, you know! You’re like this sexy little lumberjack man living on the edge of a castle. You’re like the man of my fairytales, you know?
Tan: (smacks Johnathan on the bum) This whole show is a fairy tale.
(Cuts to the six of them walking around Hogwarts’ grounds)
Karamo: So, Hagrid. You’re the gamekeeper here. What does that mean to you?
Hagrid: HEY! (yells at first years trying to sneak into the Forbidden Forest) STAY AWAY FROM THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!
(cuts to Johnathan)
Jonathan: So. Hagrid is literally like the forest guardian version of the troll who lived under the bridge. You wanna go into the Forbidden Forest??? You gotta (snap) get past Hagrid first!
(scene cuts to Harry, Ron, and Hermione)
Harry: Hagrid been…kind of emotional since Madame Maxime left.
(cuts to Hagrid crying over a bowl of ferrets)
Harry: I guess I’m just sort of hoping that the Fab 5 will fix him.
Hermione: (scoffs) He’s not broken, Harry. He’s sad.
Ron: Well, he kind of is, isn’t he?
Ron: His heart’s broken. So he’s kind of broken isn’t he?
(Cuts to Hermione by herself) Hermione: Ron…is…(smiles) much more sensitive than I think I’ve given him credit for in the past. Perhaps the influence of having the Fab 5 around will inspire him to greatness.
(Draco Malfoy walks by)
Draco: Hey, Granger! Bet you’ll miss being able to trade hair secrets with that big, ugly oaf, won’t you?
Hermione: Fuck off, Malfoy, you prissy little mummy’s boy!
(Cuts to Draco)
Draco: Granger….is…(smiles) the worst. She’s just….(smiles) the worst, isn’t she?
(cuts to Blaise and Theo)
Theo: We don’t know Hagrid at all.
Blaise: We’re just hiding from Draco.
Theo: Seriously, all he talks about is Granger’s hair and how it is…
Both: The worst.
(Cuts to Draco)
Draco: Hagrid? Oh, yeah. He’s a fucking moron. Seriously, good luck with that one.
(Hermione walking by)
Hermione: Draco! Malfoy!
Draco: (buries head in hands) Fuck!
Hermione: How dare you speak about Hagrid that way, you evil, you foul…
Draco: (mouths words as she says them)
Hermione: Loathsome, evil little cockroach!
Draco: Buy a fucking hairbrush, Granger!
Hermione: Fuck you!
(cuts to Harry)
Harry: Hermione doesn’t like it when people criticize Hagrid.
Tan: Hagrid! (holds up brown furry suit from trunk) What is this?
Karamo: Oh my God! What is that thing?
Johnathan: (gasps!) Hell-OOOO furry Dr. Who!
(cuts to Antoni, sniffing around Hagrid’s makeshift kitchen, wearing a crop top)
(cuts to Antoni)
Antoni: Every time I wear a crop top, an avocado tree grows somewhere.
Antoni: (holds up a plate of rock cakes) What are these?
Hagrid: Oh, they’re me rock cakes. They’re a big hit with Harry Potter.
Tan: Are we supposed to know who that is?
Hagrid: Would yer like to try one?
(Several teeth crack)
Karamo: (spits it out) Uh-uh! No!
Antoni: (thoughtfully chews) If I may?
Hagrid: (waiting by to see what he thinks with baited breath)
Antoni: (swallows with some difficulty) I don’t have much time to say this, because my mouth is actually about to fill up with blood, but they’re awful.
(cuts to Antoni)
Antoni: (unable to speak, so holds up notecards) JUST CAME BACK FROM ORAL SURGERY. (new card) HAGRID NEEDS HELP.
Karamo: (holding up a picture of Hagrid’s father) Who is this handsome gentleman?
Hagrid: (starts crying)
(cuts to Karamo)
Karamo: Hagrid…is….(looks a little uncomfortable) I think maybe even more sensitive than me. I think…he has a lot of feelings.
Hagrid: (wailing on Karamo’s shoulder) And then me dad said, “Rubby, buddy…put me the f**k down!” (more crying)
(cuts to Karamo)
Karamo: I don’t know how I feel about that.
(Fab 5 theme song end, “All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!”)