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YAAASSS QUEEN: Queer Eye Comes to Hogwarts

Chapter Text

ACT I

(The Fab 5 are riding in the car. Tan’s driving because he’s the only one who isn’t freaked out by the steering wheel being on the wrong side of the vehicle.)

Tan: (checking himself out for a second in the rear-view mirror) So, where are we going this week, lads?

Karamo: We are headed to Hogwarts—

Johnathan: Eww!

Karamo: --to meet Rubeus Hagrid.

(Screen cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: I suppose I’m a bit lonely. Olympe left me because she said there weren’t room in me life for ‘er. (Sighs) I told ‘er I’d be happy ter build ‘er a bigger hut.

(Back in the vehicle)

Karamo: So, Hagrid—

Antoni: I thought his name was Rubeus?

Karamo: Everybody calls him ‘Hagrid.’

Tan: If my name was ‘Rubeus,’ I’d wear that s**t like a badge of honor.

Bobby: You already have a ridiculous name!

(Laughter)

Tan: What if I changed my name to Rubeus? Would you all call me that?

All: No!

Karamo: So, Hagrid is 67-years-old, he lives alone in a hut on the Hogwarts lawn…

Johnathan: Ewww! Bobby, hunny, can you fix him?

Bobby: Well, huts are the new cabins.

Antoni: (Sitting there. Being beautiful.) I don’t know what that means.

Karamo: Hagrid is a half giant—

Johnathan: Ooooh. Delicious.

Karamo: --who enjoys hunting in the Forbidden Forest—

Johnathan: Naughty boy!

Karamo: --fostering terrifying animals—

Johnathan: Fun!

Karamo: --and gardening.

(Screen cuts to Karamo talking to the camera)

Karamo: I’m actually feeling really good about meeting Hagrid. The fact that he has all these interests at his age is incredibly reassuring. I like a man with hobbies. (looks intently at the screen) It drives you.

(Back to car)

Karamo: (reading again) Hagrid is recently single—

(gasps all around)

Johnathan: Oh, Hagrid, baby!

Karamo: --but is looking to get back out there and find the future Mrs. Rubeus Hagrid!

All: Yaaaassss!!!!!!!

Bobby: Turn that bachelor hut into a love nest!

(Screen cuts to Antoni)

Antoni: It’s rare that I get to meet a man who gardens. I’m hoping that this means he’ll be open to using fresh ingredients, if he’s not already doing that.

Tan: (yelling from offscreen) Antoni, darling, you know avocados don’t grow in Scotland!

Antoni: (face falling) F**k!

(Car)

Karamo: (reading) He was nominated by his coworker, Minerva.

Johnathan: Oooh! What is up with all these delicious namessss? I wanna be Minerva? Tan, what if you changed your name to ‘Rubeus’ and I changed my name to ‘Minerva”?

(screen cuts to McGonagall)

McGonagall: Yes, I nominated Hagrid. (Stares severely at the screen) And that’s all I have to say on the matter.

(Car)

Tan: (looking confused around the countryside) Wasn’t someone supposed to meet us? I don’t think we can get into the castle if we don’t do bloody magic.

(Cue awesome Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Hagrid sitting on a stone behind his hut, skinning a ferret. He looks up when a car parks right in front of his hut and five homosexual men come out of it)

Karamo: Hagrid?

Johnathan: (gasps) Oh my Gaw-sssshhhh! She’s. Gorg. Come here, my little baby giant with your ferosh beard!

(Hagrid, obviously scared, freezes his knife on the ferret)

Johnathan: Girrrrrlllll, when I’m through with you, you are going to say goodbye Duck Dynasty and HELLLOOOO Joe Lando in Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

Hagrid: (squints his eyes) Don’ know those people.

All: Hagrid!!!!!!!!!!

(Hagrid is suddenly enveloped in a large group hug. He softens. He likes hugs and these men are all unusually good at it. He smiles. He’s much too big to give any one person the kind of hug he enjoys, so he revels in the warmth and glow of the Fab 5’s hug.)

(Screen splits to Hagrid)

Hagrid: They seem like alright blokes.

(screen splits to Johnathan)

Johnathan: Hagrid is giving me…SO MUCH mole man. I need him to give me… (snaps fingers) jungle cat. I need (snaps fingers) Paul Bunyan. Cuz right now…I am getting…SO MUCH brunette Santa and hunny, I do not want those presents!

(Hagrid is overwhelmed as all five men pile into his hut)

Johnathan: Oh, my gaww-sssshhhh! You have a doggy! Hello, doggy! (tries to pet him)

Fang: (cowers)

Hagrid: That there’s Fang. He’s shy.

Johnathan: Awwww! I love shy! Hell-OOOO, shy poochie!

Fang: (gets up and hides behind armchair.)

Bobby: (slams hand on the back of chair) Tell me about this chair!

Hagrid: (shrugs) It’s a chair.

Bobby: It’s gone.

(scene cuts to Bobby)

Bobby: Hagrid’s hut is…not the kind of place a 67-year-old man should be living. There are dead ferrets in the corner, there’s no ventilation, so it’s…you know…kind of a miracle that Hagrid’s still alive.

Tan: (holding a scarf made of ferret pelts in his hands) Where is your closet?

Hagrid: (shrugs) Don’ really have one.

All: (blinks at him)

Tan: So…where do you keep your clothes?

Hagrid: (Pats himself on the chest) I wear ‘em.

All: (dramatic gasps!)

Johnathan: OH, hunnny!!!! Do you not have any other clothes? What do you do if you want to show off how gorgeous you are???

(Cuts scene to Tan)

Tan: (hasn’t said anything for five minutes) So…okay, I guess…my goal…is just to get Hagrid in something besides the same moleskin coat he’s been wearing for the past 50 years. Every man should have a good pair of jeans, a nice, classic pair of black shoes…a second shirt. (looks genuinely offended)

(Hut)

Johnathan: So, where is your gorgeous bathroom?

Hagrid: (points outside)

All: (dramatic gasps!)

Tan: (faints)

Johnathan: (grimace) Oh, no, hunny!!! You cannot be doing your ones and twos out in your vegetable patch.

Hagrid: (shrugs) It’s good for the soil.

(The camera cuts to the Fab 5 in their loft, fanning each other. Tan and Johnathan are sobbing on the floor.)

Johnathan: Okay. So. I think I like…already know the answer to this question…but like…what does your like…morning routine look like? Like…what do you do for you?

Hagrid: Well, I uh…I take a shower whenever it rains.

All: (wait for him to continue)

Hagrid: That’s it.

All: (gasps dramatically!)

Jonathan: (faints)

(cuts to Johnathan)

Johnathan: (gapes at the camera) I just can’t even, like WHAT??? Like…how? How does my poor, baby, gorgeous Hagrid live like this? Oh, hunny, we have got some work. (snap) To. (snap) Do!

(Hut)

Tan: Okay. Okay. It’s not that bad. It’s Scotland. It rains like every day here.

Johnathan: Okay, so Hagrid…I’m like…obsessed with you and all, like maybe I’m about to move in here and let you be my little sugar granddaddy, but hunnnyyy…you have got to take care of yourself! Like…I’m not trying to be mean….but when I look at you…I don’t feel safe. And I feel like you deserve that, you know! You’re like this sexy little lumberjack man living on the edge of a castle. You’re like the man of my fairytales, you know?

Tan: (smacks Johnathan on the bum) This whole show is a fairy tale.

(Laughter)

(Cuts to the six of them walking around Hogwarts’ grounds)

Karamo: So, Hagrid. You’re the gamekeeper here. What does that mean to you?

Hagrid: HEY! (yells at first years trying to sneak into the Forbidden Forest) STAY AWAY FROM THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

(cuts to Johnathan)

Jonathan: So. Hagrid is literally like the forest guardian version of the troll who lived under the bridge. You wanna go into the Forbidden Forest??? You gotta (snap) get past Hagrid first!

(scene cuts to Harry, Ron, and Hermione)

Harry: Hagrid been…kind of emotional since Madame Maxime left.

(cuts to Hagrid crying over a bowl of ferrets)

Harry: I guess I’m just sort of hoping that the Fab 5 will fix him.

Hermione: (scoffs) He’s not broken, Harry. He’s sad.

Ron: Well, he kind of is, isn’t he?

Hermione: What?

Ron: His heart’s broken. So he’s kind of broken isn’t he?

(Cuts to Hermione by herself) Hermione: Ron…is…(smiles) much more sensitive than I think I’ve given him credit for in the past. Perhaps the influence of having the Fab 5 around will inspire him to greatness.

(Draco Malfoy walks by)

Draco: Hey, Granger! Bet you’ll miss being able to trade hair secrets with that big, ugly oaf, won’t you?

Hermione: Fuck off, Malfoy, you prissy little mummy’s boy!

(Cuts to Draco)

Draco: Granger….is…(smiles) the worst. She’s just….(smiles) the worst, isn’t she?

(cuts to Blaise and Theo)

Theo: We don’t know Hagrid at all.

Blaise: We’re just hiding from Draco.

Theo: Seriously, all he talks about is Granger’s hair and how it is…

Both: The worst.

(Cuts to Draco)

Draco: Hagrid? Oh, yeah. He’s a fucking moron. Seriously, good luck with that one.

(Hermione walking by)

Hermione: Draco! Malfoy!

Draco: (buries head in hands) Fuck!

Hermione: How dare you speak about Hagrid that way, you evil, you foul…

Draco: (mouths words as she says them)

Hermione: Loathsome, evil little cockroach!

Draco: Buy a fucking hairbrush, Granger!

Hermione: Fuck you!

(cuts to Harry)

Harry: Hermione doesn’t like it when people criticize Hagrid.

(Hut)

Tan: Hagrid! (holds up brown furry suit from trunk) What is this?

Karamo: Oh my God! What is that thing?

Johnathan: (gasps!) Hell-OOOO furry Dr. Who!

(cuts to Antoni, sniffing around Hagrid’s makeshift kitchen, wearing a crop top)

(cuts to Antoni)

Antoni: Every time I wear a crop top, an avocado tree grows somewhere.

(Hut)

Antoni: (holds up a plate of rock cakes) What are these?

Hagrid: Oh, they’re me rock cakes. They’re a big hit with Harry Potter.

Tan: Are we supposed to know who that is?

Hagrid: Would yer like to try one?

All: Yasssss!!!!!

(Several teeth crack)

Karamo: (spits it out) Uh-uh! No!

Antoni: (thoughtfully chews) If I may?

Hagrid: (waiting by to see what he thinks with baited breath)

Antoni: (swallows with some difficulty) I don’t have much time to say this, because my mouth is actually about to fill up with blood, but they’re awful.

(cuts to Antoni)

Antoni: (unable to speak, so holds up notecards) JUST CAME BACK FROM ORAL SURGERY. (new card) HAGRID NEEDS HELP.

(Hut)

Karamo: (holding up a picture of Hagrid’s father) Who is this handsome gentleman?

Hagrid: (starts crying)

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid…is….(looks a little uncomfortable) I think maybe even more sensitive than me. I think…he has a lot of feelings.

(Hut)

Hagrid: (wailing on Karamo’s shoulder) And then me dad said, “Rubby, buddy…put me the f**k down!” (more crying)

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: I don’t know how I feel about that.

(Fab 5 theme song end, “All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!”)

Chapter Text

ACT II

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Antoni, wearing a crop top and a bandana headband, opens a pouch hanging on a hook from Hagrid’s ceiling and inhales deeply.)

Antoni: (coughs violently) Ohohoho! That is awful. Karamo. (brings pouch over to him and holds it open) Smell this.

Karamo: (throwing shade with his eyes) Nuh-uh.

Antoni: Come on. Be a friend.

Karamo: (puts hands on Antoni’s shoulders) I love you. I would do anything for you. But I am not smelling that.

Antoni: (shrugs. Continues to open various pouches and sniff, his facial expressions ranging from intrigued to cardiac arrest)

(cuts to Antoni in front of camera.)

Antoni: So…Hagrid has…a lot of this stuff (holds up a bottle of dark, evil-smelling liquor of indeterminate origin) lying around his hut. I get the sense that if Hagrid stopped drinking, he’d shrink down like…300 lbs.

(cut to Antoni working in Hagrid’s vegetable patch, picking a variety of fresh tomatoes, summer squash, and leafy greens. He continues to wear the headband bandana, but his chest is bare. Literally every. One. Of the female students who have gone through puberty (who aren’t into girls), all of the female teachers, and a few guys (pretending they’re not looking) have set up a spot on the lawn to watch him.)

(Cuts to Antoni) Antoni: Hagrid’s garden gives me hope. I know he really likes entertaining, so I’m hoping to switch out his rock cakes for something more…edible. More…

(The camera switches to Antoni wearing sunglasses and a trench coat outside a Sainsbury’s, looking both ways before he goes in. He enters the grocery store and stops before a display of familiar-looking produce.)

Antoni: Avocado.

Tan: (calling off stage) Bloody hell, mate! Enough with the damn avocados!

Antoni: YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS!

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid is a fascinating man. He’s passionate about this school. He’s passionate about what he does, about his hobbies, about the people here. He takes pride in his work. But…Hagrid is a man who is attracted to danger. And for a man who has so much love to give, that gives me pause.

(cuts to Karamo and Bobby discovering Hagrid’s crossbow)

Bobby: So, how do we do this thing? Do we just load it up…oh, here? Okay.

Karamo: Oh, that’s cute. Let me see that.

(The two of them hold it up at the same time, as it is too heavy for one person)

Karamo: Damn! Hagrid! You are a beast!

Bobby: Okay, so if we want to shoot it, we just… (pulls lever) (the cross bolt disappears into the forest. The sound of a horse falling can be heard through the trees, along with a, “I’ve been shot!”)

Karamo: I think we just killed a centaur.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Hagrid just needs to be reminded of the beautiful, wonderful man underneath all that hair and moleskin. That man is a treasure.

(Karamo walking through the grounds. Runs into Blaise)

Blaise: (narrows eyes at him)

Karamo: (widens eyes)

Blaise: …

Karamo: …

Blaise: Dad?

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Seventeen years ago, I went through…an experimental phase.

(cuts back to Blaise and Karamo)

Karamo: Give me a hug.

Blaise: If you try to touch me, I will fucking backhand you.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Blaise just needs to get to know the wise, compassionate man underneath his perception of the man who left him when he was a baby because I realized I was into dudes.

(cuts to Bobby, wiping the sweat from his brow on the construction site)

Bobby: I honestly do not have time to talk right now. I have to perform miracles. I have to build Hagrid a bathroom, a closet, a proper kitchen, a bed. I’m fairly sure he was sleeping on that chair I threw out.

(camera veers closer in the construction site)

Bobby: Seriously, out! I am not f**king around with you guys, this sh*t is F**king stressful! I redo houses! HOUSES! Blue jeans and skin creams, that sh*t is f**king easy! Let-me-do-my-f**king job! (swings at the camera)

(camera cuts out and bleeps for a long time. It is suspected that a cameraman has fallen)

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid walking down Princes Street in Edinburgh)

Hagrid: I doubt there’s stuff in these stores that’d fit a bloke like me.

Tan: Have you ever tried the big and tall section?

(cuts to Draco) Draco: Has he ever tried a tent? Because that’s probably the only hope he’s got. (snickers in a standard evil-little-shit way)

(Hermione walks by)

Hermione: (glaring at him) How do you sleep at night, treating people the way you do, Malfoy?

Draco: Naked on my twelve hundred thread-count, Egyptian cotton sheets, usually after I’ve had a good wank or taken half an Ambien.

Hermione: (grimaces) You’re disgusting, Malfoy.

Draco: And you’re filthy. And you’re also more than welcome to come and see for yourself sometime.

Hermione: (pauses a moment before slapping him mightily on the cheek. He falls to the ground, disoriented. She stomps away)

Draco: (waving the cameraman’s hand away as he tried to help him up) No, actually it’s best if I wait a bit before standing up. (cups a hand over the front of his trousers) Don’t look at me.

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid)

Tan: So, you’re a big guy.

Hagrid: I am, yeah.

Tan: And obviously you’ve mastered how to dress when you’re working. I’m not here to change that. But you’re not just Hagrid the groundskeeper, are you? You’re a man, and you need an appropriate wardrobe to fit that man.

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: I’m actually quite excited ‘bout this. Olympe never said it, but I could tell that she wished I was a bit more stylish.

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid)

Tan: I would love to see you in a suit.

Hagrid: Well, I have a—

Tan: Not that wretched creature I found in your trunk. That was not a suit. That was a bear’s abortion.

(cuts to a team of five tailors climbing ladders with measuring tapes, pins in their mouths, wiping sweat from their brows)

Tan: I want you to be able to let your personality shine through with this suit. There are little things you can do to make yourself stand out so you’re not just another man in a suit.

Hagrid: That’s never really been a problem for me.

Tan: (holds a purple tie up against Hagrid’s face) Have you ever been to a colourist?

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: (shakes his head)

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid in store)

Tan: So, you’ve got some redness in your cheeks. You’re going to want to stay away from warm colours that are going to accentuate that.

Hagrid: Okay.

Tan: Cool colours like this lovely purple are your happy zone. That’s where I want you to live from now on.

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: Purple is actually me favorite colour. (an indignant look appears on his face) No one ever asks me stuff like that.

(cuts to Tan standing in front of a wall of denim)

Tan: I think you’ll find that denims are just as comfortable as some of the work trousers you’ve lived your life in up to this point. And footwear. (taps his foot and looks down at Hagrid’s sealskin boots, which are inexplicably wet and leaking all over the floor)

(cuts to Hagrid)

Hagrid: I haven’t taken these boots off in years. They might even be stuck.

(cuts to Tan and Hagrid)

Tan: (holding a stylish, light brown, lace up boot) This is a choice I love for you because you can pair it with any colour, and it’s dead comfortable.

Hagrid: I quite like that.

Tan: Wonderful. Now. Has anyone ever taught you how to do a French tuck?

(cuts to Tan in front of the camera)

Tan: Everyone should do a French tuck. (eyes twinkling in a positively Bambi-esque way) It just looks a little smarter.

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise, sitting together at the Three Broomsticks)

Karamo: (nursing a butterbeer) So tell me about yourself, Blaise.

Blaise: (bitterly) I grew up fatherless.

Karamo: You know what? I deserved that. I don’t have any excuses for what I did.

Blaise: I just…(sigh)

Karamo: Let it out.

Blaise: I just can’t believe…(head hangs)

Karamo: It’s alright.

Blaise: That you’re…a bloody American.

(door to the Three Broomsticks opens and in walks Luna Lovegood)

Blaise: (straightens his posture and makes several little glances in Luna’s direction as she skips over to the counter and orders an all-foam butterbeer. She appears oblivious to the barmaid’s confused expression as to how she could possibly achieve such a thing.)

Karamo: (grinning) What is that?

Blaise: What?

Karamo: That girl? (motions over to Luna) You like her.

Blaise: (scoffs) You don’t know me.

Karamo: Watch your mouth young man, I’m a f**king professional.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: (grinning from ear to ear) I have an in.

(Fab 5 theme song end, “All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!”)

Chapter Text

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Tan knocks on Hagrid’s fitting room door holding a short-sleeved print shirt)

Tan: Now, I want you to keep an open mind.

(Cut to Jonathan walking through the Hogwarts corridors. He stops when he sees Snape walking in his direction.)

Jonathan: (squealing) Yaaasss queen!!!!! You are giving me all kinds of Dracula’s gay uncle vibes and I am just eating it up! Can I touch your hair?

Snape: Absolutely not.

Jonathan: (touches his hair anyway) So, how often do you wash this?

Snape: Unhand me.

(cuts to Snape in front of the camera. He has recently received a blow out and he does not look happy about it. His hair looks fabulous.)

Snape: The fancy bearded gentleman recommended that I use a shampoo that does not contain something he calls…sulfates. (pause) I warned Minerva not to do this.

(cuts to McGonagall)

McGongall: I do not know exactly what this ‘Fabulous Five’ does, but I heard one of the Muggleborn students say that they give haircuts. It is, therefore, only logical to deduce that they also force the subject to take regular baths from time to time. (pauses) And I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if they introduced some pastels into his wardrobe to liven him up a bit. (the camera lingers on McGonagall, wearing head-to-toe black against her pale skin. She continues to frown.)

(cuts to Hagrid, wearing the short-sleeved shirt Tan was holding, modeling a perfect French tuck)

Hagrid: You don’ think it’s too jazzy?

Tan: I think it’s perfect. (wipes a tear) Hagrid, this outfit is just like you. It’s fun, it’s sexy, and most importantly, it’s a short-sleeved printed shirt in a perfect French tuck, paired with a pair of slim-fitted denims and suede trainers. (wipes another tear) I couldn’t be happier.

(cuts to Tan in front of camera)

Tan: (weeping) Oh my God! (unearths a Hermes handkerchief from his pocket and blows his nose) I’m just so… (wipes tears) talented!

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise in the Three Broomsticks)

Karamo: Go talk to her.

Blaise: No.

Karamo: Don’t be afraid to let her see the real you.

Blaise: Are you kidding me? I would never show a girl the real me. I’m a bloody awful person.

Karamo: You’ve got a beautiful soul—

Blaise: I don’t have a soul. I traded my soul for a perfect body. (sips his butterbeer) And I am not even remotely fucking joking about that.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Blaise is…not exactly what I expected. It’s almost as though…me not being there for him when he was growing up made him bitter. (flashes a dashing smile at the camera) But I can work with that.

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise)

Karamo: So, tell me about this girl.

Blaise: No.

Karamo: I insist.

Blaise: Fuck no.

Karamo: I won’t stop until you tell me.

Blaise: Bugger. Off.

Karamo: I can do this all day.

Blaise: (rolls eyes) You don’t ‘no’ for an answer, do you?

Karamo: (flashes a dashing smile) It’s not in my vocabulary.

(cuts to Blaise)

Blaise: (rolls eyes) I’m beginning to see why my mother was inspired to kill her lovers.

(cuts to Bobby in Hagrid’s hut)

Bobby: (Is holding a sledge hammer. Has a murderous glint in his eyes) Can I fucking help you???? I’m building a goddamned kitchen here because Hagrid was cooking in a cauldron over an open fire. Seriously! How is this man even still alive????? And don’t even think about asking me to sit down and talk to that fucking camera because I could honestly cut a ho.

(cuts to Tan, Draco, and Jonathan sitting in the Great Hall with cups of coffee. They appear to be having a heated conversation)

Draco: Jonathan, I hear what you’re saying. But Horst Rechelbacher’s holistic approach to the Art just doesn’t coincide with the magical community’s more experimental techniques. It’s narrow-minded to assume that an entire subset of the population should adhere to an outdated paradigm—

Jonathan: Outdated? Oh, hunny!!!! Just because it mirrors the traditions of antiquity doesn’t mean—

Tan: I feel I have to side with Draco on this one, Jonathan. Sustainability is important, but how does this map onto the larger meta-narrative in today’s global economy?

Jonathan: Why are we putting this aesthetic hegemony on a pedestal? Isn’t the Art about challenging the narrative? Emphasizing the individual? And I take serious issue with the notion that this is a fringe movement. The corporate zeitgeist seems to be moving towards—

Draco: The Aveda Institute is trash and so is their philosophy on hair care! It’s preposterous to think otherwise!!! The only thing they have going for them is that their products smell good!

(Draco to the camera)

Draco: Finally. I have equals on this subject.

(cuts back to the three of them, raising their voices. Hermione walks by and overhears the conversation.)

Hermione: (rolling her eyes) Honestly, Malfoy. This is such low-hanging fruit, I can’t even mock you for it.

Draco: (standing) Speaking of low-hanging fruit, you might want to tame that snarling beaver pelt that lives on top of your head, because I think it’s starting to breed.

Hermione: (drawing herself up) Shut up, Malfoy.

Draco: No, no, wait. I’m not finished yet. You look like Olivander fucked a shrubbery and their baby had a wretched personality.

Hermione: (fists clenching at her sides) SHUT UP, MALFOY!!!!!!!!!!

Draco: (wincing) Merlin, could you keep it down to a dull roar? I know wild animals are not typically taught to use indoor voices, but if you’re going to walk around pretending to be a person, you can at least make an effort.

Hermione: (red flaming on her cheeks) I said, shut up, Malfoy! (Swings her fist at him and punches him in the eye. Marches away.)

Draco: (moaning on the ground, clutching his eye)

Jonathan: (watching him with his mouth open in surprise) Okay. Please don’t take this the wrong way, because you know I love you, but you’re like…a really bad person. You know? I mean, like, you’re just suuuuper mean.

Tan: (staring at Draco’s crotch, his eyes widening in concern) Is that a boner?

(cuts to Hermione in front of the camera, her eyes slightly red)

Hermione: Malfoy…just…(sighs) Is it really that bad? (Eyes harden) You know what? Fuck him.

(cuts to Hermione walking towards Jonathan in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom as he sets up his station)

Hermione: You!

Jonathan: (turns around and gasps) Oh my gawww-sssshhh! It’s my little baby warrior princess! Can I just say? Draco was super mean to you. Like…I totally called him out on it. And you were giving me so much fierceness. You’re like my hero!

Hermione: (walks towards his barber chair and sits) I want you to fix my hair.

Jonathan: (gasps, sucking much of the air from the room in an impossibly long inhale) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(camera bleeps, cutting him off)

(Fab 5 theme song, “All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!”)

Chapter Text

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom)

Jonathan: --EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: (tapping fingers on arm of chair) You done?

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: Jonathan is…quite chatty.

(cuts to Jonathan and Hermione in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom)

Jonathan: Okay. So, like, I’m super bummed that the little Chosen Thang won’t let me cut his hair. I mean, like, I’m sorry, but you would be sooooooooo cuuuuuuute if you’d just let me zhuzh up that bird’s nest, so you can show off your gorgeous face.

Hermione: (dully) Right.

Jonathan: Anyway, I totally don’t blame you for punching little Baby Dray in the face, because he is a piece. Of. Work. After he said all that sh*t to you, I was like, “Hunny! What is your deal? Like, who hurt you?”

Hermione: Yeah.

Jonathan: So, do you have a boyfriend, because you’re like totally beautiful and I’m like obsessed with you. I mean who gave you permission? You know?

Hermione: No boyfriend. (reddens)

Jonathan: (squeals) Look at your ca-uuute little blush! You have the ca-uuuuutest blush. Who is he?

Hermione: He’s…not my boyfriend. Just a boy I like.

Jonathan: Well, hunny, when I’m done with you, he won’t be able to see anything but those gorgeous cheekbones and those Bambi brown eyes. Did you know that you have the ca-uuuuuutest eyes? They’re seriously so cute.

Hermione: (reddening. Obviously pleased) Really?

Jonathan: Hunny. You are like…ga-orgeous. Like, the only reason Draco was so mean to you is because he’s like totally after your body.

Hermione: (grimacing) He is not.

Jonathan: Uh. Yeah he is. (fluffs her hair) So like, I’m definitely seeing that you have some dryness. I think you’re using the wrong shampoo. For thick, gorgeous hair like yours, you totally have to use something gentle on the scalp, because a lot of the shampoos out there are drying AF. And we don’t want that.

Hermione: (intrigued) Really?

Jonathan: And I definitely think you’re overcompensating by using too much conditioner. Tell me you don’t wash your hair every day.

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: So, apparently, I suck at being a girl. I didn’t know any of this stuff. (eyes harden) Why does Draco Malfoy know all of this and I don’t?

(cuts to Jonathan cutting her hair)

Jonathan: So, you’re like this super genius, fierce warrior princess, and I’m pretty sure I’m obsessed. But I just want you to know that it’s okay to have like a relationship with yourself. It’s not vanity, it’s self-care. Do you know what I mean? Like…it doesn’t mean you’re stupid or you’re vain or whatever if you take a little moment for yourself every day and really care a little about how you present yourself to the world.

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera. She is crying)

Hermione: I just…. (wipes eyes) I think I need to hang out with more girls. (blows nose) Or at least gays.

(cuts to Antoni and Hagrid in the Hogwarts kitchen)

Antoni: (swings a tea towel over his left shoulder) Okay, so I’m going to show you how to make something that you can serve to your guests, like your rock cakes, but it’s just a little bit more elevated, and it won’t send them to the hospital.

Hagrid: Okay.

Antoni: Great. So, we’re going to make chocolate cookies with just five ingredients. Isn't that cool?

Hagrid: (a little bored) Sounds good.

Antoni: And these are Paleo and gluten-free, which is awesome. So, the avocado in these is what's really going to give it that moist, fudgy, melt-in-your-mouth creaminess.

(a shuffle in the kitchen disrupts them. Antoni turns to find a young man who looks a remarkable amount like him, making himself a sandwich)

Theo: Are you going to use all of those avocados?

Antoni: (stuttering) Um…n-n-no. No. Absolutely not. Do you want one? You can have one. Let me get you one. (starts scrambling, but seems to have forgotten what to do with his hands)

Theo: (smirking) Don’t hurt yourself. (reaches across Antoni to grab an avocado, never breaking eye contact)

Antoni: (watching him flawlessly cut and peel the avocado) Um…what was I saying?

(cuts to Jonathan and Hermione)

Jonathan: (holding his hands over her eyes) Are you ready?

Hermione: (inhales) I’m ready.

Jonathan: (removes hands to reveal silky, shiny, hair-model-level locks)

Hermione: (gasps) Is this really me?

Jonathan: Can you believe?

Hermione: You’ve… you’ve made me shiny. (looks back at Jonathan and takes his hand in hers, her eyes welling up) Thank you.

(cuts to Hermione walking down the hall with a bounce in her step. She walks up to Ron and taps him on the shoulder)

Hermione: (in a confident, slightly sexy voice) Hi Ron.

Ron: Hey. Did you finish Snape’s essay yet? I’m totally lost.

Hermione: (draws herself up) Do you…notice anything different?

Ron: (looks her up and down) Not really.

Hermione: (grimaces) Really? Nothing?

Ron: I don’t know, Hermione. Did you straighten your teeth?

Hermione: (her eyes harden) In forth year.

Ron: Right. It looks good. Anyway. The essay?

Hermione: (scowls) I can’t believe you! (storms off)

Ron: (calling out to her) I said it looks good! What more should I have said?

(cuts to Hermione sitting on some stairs with tears welling in her eyes. Draco walks by and sees the back of her head.)

Draco: (straightening his robes and his hair) Excuse me, Miss. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m… (sees it’s Hermione as she turns to face him. He straightens his collar) Hhhhhomina.

Hermione: (glaring) What do you want, Malfoy?

Draco: (opens mouth and closes it several times) Homina, homina, homina.

Hermione: Malfoy, are you alright?

Draco: I…. I … (conjures a glass of water)

Hermione: (narrows eyes in confusion) Are you having a stroke?

Draco: (face reddening as he alters between loosening his collar and gulping water) Granger… you… Sweet Merlin.

Hermione: What is your problem?

Draco: You… Granger, you’re beautiful.

Hermione: (freezes) Say what?

(cuts to Draco in front of the camera)

Draco: (hasn’t said anything for several minutes. His mouth is open.) Her hair!!!!!

(cuts to Draco and Hermione)

Draco: (Is visibly sweating now) Granger… (conjures more water) will you… um… is it hot in here?

Hermione: (shrugs) Not really. It's actually a bit drafty.

Draco: Um… Granger… maybe sometime you and I could… um… I don’t know. Maybe… you want to… um… (conjures more water).

Hermione: Huh?

Draco: GoHogsmeadewithme?

Hermione: I’m sorry, what?

Draco: GO OUT WITH ME, YOU SPECTACULAR BINT!

Hermione: (freezes. Blinks. Then releases torrents of laughter) That’s hilarious, Malfoy!

Draco: So… that’s a no, then?

Hermione: (clutching her side from the laughter) I’m sorry! I can’t… (loses breath from laughter)

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: (still laughing)

(cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: (glaring) She might have just said ‘no.’

(cuts to Draco pouting on the Quidditch pitch. Karamo walks by and joins him.)

Karamo: Rejection?

Draco: (nods)

Karamo: Me too. (puts hand on shoulder) It’s okay. I got you.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: My grandmother always said that if you want to really get to know someone, get to know their friends.

(cuts to Bobby, wheezing in Hagrid’s hut, knuckles bleeding from the sheer amount of work that has gone into it. We cannot yet see Hagrid’s hut because everything is covered in plastic.)

Bobby: (hands shaking) Why didn’t I just stay in Missouri and marry that girl in my choir?

(Fab 5 theme song, “All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!”)

Chapter Text

(McGonagall is in front of the camera. She is sporting a persimmon lip color, a Mia Farrow haircut, and a record-setting frown.)

McGonagall: There is a chance that Severus was right.

(cuts to McGonagall grading papers in her office. Jonathan swings the door open and enters without knocking)

Jonathan: Oh my God, yaaaaasssss. I just wanted to meet you because you’re the gorgeous nominator for our Baby Haggy, and you’re so cute! Everybody in this castle is so cute. Who gave you permission? I’m Jonathan and you’re Minerva, which is gorgeous. I love that name. So, tell me about yourself. Don’t leave out any details. I want to know you Grandma Minerva. Can I call you that? I’m gonna call you that. Oh my gawwwsh, when was the last time you got your hair cut?

(cuts to McGonagall)

McGonagall: I also met someone named “Blanche”?

(cuts to Jonathan)

Jonathan: Oh, be still my sweet, Georgian hawwwart! I do DECLAY-AHHH, Minuuhva! This is juuust the most dahhhhlin’ castle I buh-lieve ah’ve evaahh seeeeen!

(cuts to Tan holding Jonathan by the hand and bringing him into Hagrid’s hut. He looks concerned.)

Bobby: (pauses in his painting one of the beams in Hagrid’s hut) You aren’t supposed to be here.

Tan: I’m worried about Jonathan.

Jonathan: Ah juuust luuuuv mah Hogwarts beh-behhhsss!

Tan: I found him like this, wondering the halls of the castle.

Jonathan: Well, I do DECLAY-AHHHH! Ah could nevah be law-st in such a luuh-vly play-ce!

Bobby: (coming down from the ladder) Love you, Blanche!

(Antoni comes in giggling and holding Theo’s hand)

Jonathan: Oh, mah sweeeet beh-beh Antoni! How ahhh you, sugah? And who is yo-ah gentleman fraaand?

Theo: (quirks an eyebrow) What in gay hell?

(cuts to Antoni and Bobby in front of camera)

Antoni: Blanche is sort of this…alternate persona that Jonathan adopts whenever he gets overly excitable.

Bobby: We’re starting to suspect he’s possessed.

(cuts back to Hagrid’s hut)

Jonathan: Who on uuuuh-th invited all these gays to the pah-ty? Why, ah do declay-ah! When ah I was little guhl growin’ up in Atlanta, you nevah saw such thangs! Nowadays they’ah everywhey-ah!

(Cuts to Antoni and Bobby)

Bobby: Blanche is also a little homophobic.

(cuts to Jonathan)

Jonathan: Blanche was actually my auntie and she died about ten years ago. She was like…way meaner than people even realize. She once saw me licking the brownie batter off a spoon when I was seven and tried to convince my mom to send me to (uses air quotes) “Fag Camp.”

(cuts to Harry and Ron in front of camera)

Harry: I might have done a thing.

Ron: A stupid thing.

Harry: You were the one who said Hagrid was bumming you out.

Ron: He was, but bringing Madame Maxime back is just gonna make him worse.

Harry: (grimaces and pouts) F**cking great, Ron. Way to ruin the surprise.

(Cut to Madame Maxime knocking on Hagrid’s door)

Madame Maxime (hereinafter “MM”): ‘agrid? (knocks) ‘agrid. You wanted to see me?

(the door opens and it’s Bobby covered in paint)

Bobby: Yeah?

MM: I am ‘ere to see ‘agrid.

Bobby: (jaw drops) You’re the girlfriend.

MM: Excuse me. (scowls haughtily) ‘agrid and I were lovers. Ze word ‘girlfriaaand’ eees so pedestrian.

Bobby: (smiles) Oh, you, I like. Get your gorgeous French ass in here!

(cuts to Karamo and Draco on the Quidditch pitch)

Karamo: What kind of man do you want to be?

Draco: (seems confused by the question) The…kind that gets off with pretty birds with great hair.

Karamo: (laughs) Oh, you’re a player!

Draco: (rolls eyes) I asked her out and she laughed at me.

Karamo: (nudges him) So you’ll try again. If you open your heart and your mind, good things will happen to you.

(cuts to Draco by himself)

Draco: If he had stuck around and helped raise Blaise, there’ no way I’d be friends with him.

(Cuts back to Draco and Karamo)

Karmao: Did you tell her how you feel?

Draco: I asked her to go to Hogsmeade with me.

Karamo: And she turned you down. Women need to know how a man sees them. If you have feelings for this girl, you can’t sit around and hope that she’s going to see that. You’ve got to be a man of action.

Draco: How?

(cuts to Draco waiting outside the Gryffindor Common Room for Hermione. He leans against the wall, bored, but straightens up when the portrait of the Fat Lady opens and Hermione walks out.)

Draco: (clears throat and reads from paper) She walks in beauty like the night—

Hermione: Nope. (walks away)

(cuts to Draco and Karamo)

Draco: Well, that was a f**king bust.

Karamo: What do you think you did wrong?

Draco: (looks incredulous) I didn’t do anything wrong. I read her poetry. (eyes widen and his voice drops to a hushed tone) Poetry. If anyone ever finds out—

Karamo: Who cares what anyone thinks, Draco? If you really care about this girl, you’ve got to figure out a way to genuinely tell her how you feel in a way that she would understand. What are her interests?

Draco: (shrugs) Books. She’s a total nerd.

Karamo: (laughs) I love a nerd. What else?

Draco: House elves. She’s a complete bleeding heart and it’s bloody annoying.

Karamo: Well, there you go. Figure out a way to connect with her.

Draco: So, you’re saying…I should buy a bookstore and name it after her?

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: I think Draco is so used to just buying things that he wants that he doesn’t understand that some things can’t be bought.

(Cuts to Karamo and Blaise)

Karamo: So, tell me about my son.

Draco: (shrugs) He’s a c*nt. What if I bought a bunch of house elves, and… hear me out… freed them?

Karamo: What about this girl, Luna Lovegood? I think Blaise likes her.

Draco: (laughs outrageously) Wow. That’s fantastic. I can’t wait to get on his case about that.

Karamo: Why?

Draco: Luna Lovegood is a total freak.

(cuts to Tan looking Luna up and down)

Tan: (touches her orange radish earrings) No.

(cuts to Karamo and Draco)

Karamo: Interesting.

(cuts to Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the Great Hall at dinner)

Ron: (shoveling food in his mouth, motions towards Hermione, speaking to Harry) Hermione got her teeth fixed.

Hermione: (drops fork) For the last time, Ronald. It wasn’t my teeth that was different.

Harry: Yeah. Obviously, Hermione got changed her hai—

Hermione: Harry, don’t. I want Ron to figure it out himself.

Ron: (rolls eyes) Does this mean you’re not helping me with Snape’s essay?

Hermione: (Stabs a potato with her fork) Let that be another thing you have to figure out for yourself. (her eyes wander over to the Slytherin table. She sees Draco staring at her wistfully, but he averts his eyes when she catches him looking)

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Yeah? Sorry. I was thinking about… never mind. What do you need?

Harry: Since I know what you did differently, will you help me with my essay?

Hermione: (rolls eyes) I need better friends. (stands up and leaves the Great Hall. Doesn’t see Draco follow her)

Draco: (calling after her) Granger, hold up.

Hermione: (rolls eyes) I’m not in the mood, Malfoy.

Draco: Just hear me out. I wrote you a letter, but I know if I just give it to you, you’ll throw it away without reading it.

Hermione: Correct.

Draco: So, I’m going to read it to you.

Hermione: (rolls eyes) Perfect.

Draco: Just give me two minutes. (clears throat and reads) “Granger. I’m sorry I ever made fun of your hair. But to be fair, I didn’t know you were hot, so I really can’t be blamed.”

Hermione: Really?

Draco: Hush, there’s more. (continues) “I feel stupid that I didn’t see how beautiful you were underneath your hair.”

Hermione: (face softens a bit)

Draco: “But, to be fair, your hair was absolutely atrocious, so it’s not really my fault. Hot people should let the world know who they are so everyone knows to be nice to them. Look at me. I don’t hide the fact that I’m a superior—”

Hermione: (holds up hand to stop him) I’m going to stop you right there. I don’t know what’s wrong with men that they seem to be born with an entire part of their brain missing. Ron doesn’t know what I look like, and you only seem to know what I look like. Because if you knew anything else about me, you would know that this is not how you apologize to me.

Draco: (the paper crumples in his hand) Tell me what to do.

Hermione: (laughs darkly) Figure it out. (stomps away)

(cuts to Karamo and Draco)

Draco: I thought you were supposed to be good at this shite! I’m calling bullshit. You’re an amateur.

(cuts to Karmao in front of the camera)

Karamo: Getting to know Blaise’s best friend really clarifies a lot of questions I had about Blaise.

(cuts to Bobby and MM getting drunk in Hagrid’s cabin. An empty bottle of Hagrid’s mystery liquor rolls on the floor.)

Bobby: (takes a swig from a second bottle) Can I tell you a secret? (leans in and whispers) I hate doing this show. I get no screen time, and I do like… ten times more work than any of those other homos! (takes another angry swig from the bottle)

MM: (hums in understanding) ‘agrid and I… sometimes made love in the Chamber of Secrets. We liked ‘ow much room zere was and zee echoes and humidity were very nice.

Bobby: (nods) Olympe… (throws an arm around her) You’re my best friend in the whole entire world.

(cuts to MM)

MM: I do not know ‘oo zis man ees supposed to be. Ees zees Rue Paul’s Drag Race? I vaaary much like zat show.

(Fab 5 theme song, “All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!”)

Chapter Text

(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!!!!!

(Draco is in front of the camera. He looks exhausted.)

Draco: (rubbing his hands on his face) Okay. So, the thing about Blaise’s dad is… (says slowly, and rather matter of factly) I can’t stand him.

(cuts to Karamo chatting to Draco at a mile a minute)

Karamo: And I just feel like we could both be missing out on a big opportunity here. And even though I wasn’t there for the first seventeen years of his life, I don’t want to see him become the sort of man who closes himself off from the world. I know there’s a good, kind, strong, brave man underneath that hard exterior and I can’t wait to meet him. And I think we both have been given a gift here. To begin again! I want to be there for that. I want to see him open up and embrace his vulnerable side so people can see the real Blaise. At the end of the day, it’s about connecting with another person, and I think that’s something we can all work on. I just want him to know that it’s not a sign of weakness when a man is vulnerable. It’s a sign of strength. I just hope he knows that who he is, is so phenomenal, and I just want to inspire him to be his authentic self.

(Draco hasn’t spoken in ages. He is extremely still, as though he’s afraid to make any sudden movements. His eyes are wide and he hasn’t blinked in ages.)

(cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: All I did was ask him if he thought Granger would prefer roses or daisies.

(cut to Jonathan kissing Hagrid on both cheeks in greeting)

Jonathan (hereinafter, JVN…don’t know why it took me this long to do this): Hi, booby! How are you?

Hagrid: (awkwardly) I’m alright.

(cuts to Hagrid in front of camera)

Hagrid: I’m a bit nervous about this to be honest.

(cuts to JVN in front of camera)

JVN: So, Baby Haggy is strugs to func. He is giving me so much yeti realness, and as much as I love a beard… (his face freezes in a series of head nods, his eyes widening as though he’s frightened of something) It needs to go.

(cuts to JVN playing with Hagrid’s hair while he sits in a chair in a fancy salon in Edinburgh)

JVN: Okay. So. You are like…such a sexy beast. And it’s killing me that I can’t see your gorgeous face. So, I totally don’t want to freak you out, but I’mgonnacutoffyourbeard, okay?

Hagrid: Uh. What was that?

JVN: Gorgeous!

(cuts to Hermione stomping over to Draco in the Great Hall)

Hermione: MALFOY!

Draco: (smiles brightly at her as she approaches) Granger. You look lovely this morning. I want to say…(squints at her) third day hair?

Hermione: (shoves a paper at his chest) What is this?????

Draco: (holds paper up and reads it. When he is finished, he looks at her.) I thought you’d be pleased.

Hermione: I… that isn’t…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT, FERRET???

Blaise: (snickering)

Hermione: Shut the fuck up, Zabini! If I want your opinion I’ll smack it out of you.

Blaise: (eyes widening, returns his attention to his meal. Mutters under breath) And Draco finds that arousing?

Hermione: (attention back on Draco) Do you think you can just donate a little money to Spew and I’ll fall into bed with you?

Draco: (clears his throat and sets his knife and fork politely on his plate) One, it’s not Spew. It’s S.P.E.W., as you’ve said yourself a million times.

Hermione: (reddening) I know what it’s called, Malf—

Draco: And two, it’s not a little money. It’s five million Galleons. I was under the impression that nonprofit organizations relied on donations. Am I wrong in that supposition?

Hermione: (opens mouth but is at a loss) I….

Draco: And as the head of nonprofit organization, I assumed you cared enough about your cause not to turn away donations, no matter the source.

Hermione: But…that’s just…you’re just trying to—

(cuts to Hermione, seething in front of the camera)

Hermione: Malfoy is just…he’s…he can’t just…(looks at letter and mouths the words “five million Galleons”) I can’t even…(opens mouth and closes it several times) (cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: (smugly) She wants me.

(cuts to JVN cutting Hagrid’s hair. Hagrid’s beard is mostly gone, but JVN has left a shadow in a strategic pattern designed to accentuate his bone structure and jaw line)

JVN: So, in the morning, before you throw that ratty old mole skin coat on, I just want you to like, take a moment, and I’m not going to give you a haircut that you need to like do a LOT of stuff tooooo, BUT, I don’t want you to be afraid of a little zhuzh. Embrace the zhuzh. The zhuzh is your friend.

Hagrid: Okay.

JVN: (gasps) Ohmygawd, look how attractive you are! I just can’t even, hunny. You have such a cute little face. Like, you’re making my genitals flutter right now. I just want to tie you down and feed you soup.

Hagrid: Okay.

(cuts to Karamo approaching Luna at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. She is petting a thestral. Karamo, of course, cannot see it, so he’s not really sure what’s going on.)

Karamo: Luna?

Luna: (turns to look at him) Oh, hello Karamo Brown. You’re Blaise Zabini’s long lost father. I like your bald head.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: (jaw agape) Uhhhhhhh…

(cuts to Karamo in the Forest with Luna)

Luna: I’ve always wondered whether Muggles see nargles too. There are several following you around. I think they’re drawn to your positive personality and your charisma.

Karmao: (eyes narrowing as he tries to figure her out) Thank you.

Luna: Oh, don’t thank me. Once the nargles start to mate, you may experience severe brain trauma and nosebleeds.

Karamo: I’ll…keep that in mind. So, I’m here because I wanted to see if—

Luna: Your son has a crush on me and he doesn’t like you. So, you’re here to see if you get him to like you by setting the two of us up.

Karamo: (blinks) That’s…exactly right.

Luna: That would be nice. Blaise Zabini has a very nice collarbone. I’ve always been partial to collarbones. And kneecaps. I’ve never seen Blaise Zabini’s kneecaps. But from his height and posture, I can imagine them to be quite lovely. What do your kneecaps look like? Perhaps it’s genetic.

(cuts to Karamo in front of camera) Karamo: (mouth open for a long moment before he blurts out) WHAT THE F**K????

(cuts to JVN knocking on Hagrid’s door, his arm linked with Hagrid’s. Hagrid smiles shyly, pleased with his new look, his hair having been cut in a horrendously trendy high fade with a loose pompadour on top. He looks like a grandfather hipster giant.)

Tan: (opens door and gasps) You look SOOOO GOOOOOOOD!

(Fang barks in background, having absolutely no idea who Hagrid is)

Tan: (rolls eyes, unable to hide his distaste for dogs) Come on in, Hagrid. See your new home.

JVN: Where’s Bobby?  And like…everyone else?

Tan: Antoni’s with his new boyfriend, Karamo forgot he was supposed to be doing the show and got caught up in family drama and helping that little blonde lesbian get with the girl you made over, and Bobby’s in the back with (holds hand to mouth so Hagrid can’t read his lips) a special surprise!

(They all enter the home and Hagrid gasps)

Hagrid: …Wow. I didn’t even know there was brick in the walls. (motions at the exposed brick)

Tan: Oh, there wasn’t. Bobby just likes exposed brick, so he added it.

Bobby: (emerges) You like?

Hagrid: It’s…wow.

Bobby: (taking him by the arm and guiding him through) So, I painted these beams in the ceiling black, because it opens the room up or something. And I always like to use a glass table because it makes the space look bigger, I guess. I just want this to be a space that functions for you.

(The hut looks like a young, professional Manhattanite’s West Village loft. Bauhaus furnishings grace every surface. Track lighting is placed strategically throughout to give the space a warm, expensive-looking glow. Rustic, yet bright-colored accents are everywhere. Bobby seems to have tripled the size of the hut.)

Hagrid: I can’t even believe this is the same place.

(cuts to Bobby in front of camera)

Bobby: Yeah, it’s not. Hagrid lived in a gopher hole before, so I just rebuilt his house completely.

(cuts to Karamo walking up to Blaise as he’s walking through the halls)

Karamo: Blaise, my man!

Blaise: (rolls eyes) F**k.

Karamo: So, you need to go back to your dorm and get ready, because…you have a date.

Blaise: (drops his book bag) I what?

Karamo: With Luna. I could tell you liked her, so I fixed it.

Blaise: You…how?

Karamo: Don’t worry about it. Let me do this for you.

Blaise: I…really? You’re not shittin’ me.

Karamo: One, language. And two, absolutely not. Luna’s into it. You’re a lucky man. I really like Luna.

(cuts to Karamo in front of camera)

Karamo: I don’t like Luna.

(cuts to Blaise, flabbergasted by the fact that he’s got a date with the girl he likes)

Blaise: I…don’t know what to say. You just…went behind my back and interfered in my life to manipulate me into having a relationship with you. (shakes head) You really are my father.

(cuts to Hagrid in his house)

Hagrid: Thank you, Bobby. (picks him up and hugs him. We hear a crack in Bobby’s back)

Bobby: (gasping for air) Don’t mention it. (composes himself) I have one more surprise for you, Hagrid.

Hagrid: What is it?

(Madame Maxime comes out from around the corner.)

MM: Bonjour, ‘agrid.

Hagrid: Olympe! (He goes to her, taking her hand) You came back.

MM: Zat annoying leeeetle Potter boy wrote to me. (Smiles widely at him) You look very handsome, ‘agrid.

Hagrid: (blushes) Well, I…I did it for you, Olympe.

(Cut to Bobby, Tan, and JVN in front of the camera)

All three of them: (holding in a Squee, eyes bursting, trembling with the desire to emote)

(cuts to the cabin)

Olympe: Oh, ‘agrid. (Throws arms around his neck and kisses him)

(Camera bleeps out because we don’t really want to see that. Hashtag, no offense, all love is beautiful, but ew.)

(cuts to JVN, Tan, and Bobby sitting in front of the camera)

JVN: Olympe is adorbs. She reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.

Tan and Bobby: (gasp)

Tan: Your what?

JVN: Oh, yeah. I’m like majorly bisexual. Like…vaginas are beautiful and I totally love them.

(Bobby and Tan look at each other.)

Both: WHAT????

JVN: (shrugs) How did you guys not know that? I know everything about you. (holds up Hagrid’s mole skin coat) So, this is kind of growing on me. I kind of sort of stole it. (holds it up to him) How many moles do you guys think had to die for this jacket to exist?

Bobby: Hold up. Go back to the part where you like f**king women.

(cuts to Hermione walking through the castle. She pauses when she stumbles across Ron leaning against a wall, flirting with Lavender Brown. She has recently gotten subtle highlights in her hair.)

Ron: (touches her hair) I like the blonde. It really suits you. Brings out your eyes. I tend to notice these things.

Hermione: (fuming) Are you serious??? (Joan Jett’s “Bad Reputation” cues in background. I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation!!!) Avis!!!! (birds fly out of her wand and attack Ron)

(cuts to Ron, covered in cuts)

Ron: Seriously, what is her problem lately? She gets her teeth fixed and suddenly everything I do gets on her nerves.

(cuts to Hermione)

Hermione: Fuck him. Seriously. I’m done. I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to notice me. (rolls eyes) There’s got to be a guy out there who sees me as a girl.

(cuts to Draco walking up to her in the library)

Draco: Heard what you did to Weasley. Can I just say, that was a really impressive bit of magic you—

Hermione: I remain uninterested, Malfoy.

Draco: (pouts) What? Why?

Hermione: (sighs) Because you’ve been cruel to me my entire life and the only reason you like me now is because I got a makeover.

Draco: (opens mouth several times) That’s…not true.

(cuts to Draco in front of camera)

Draco: Wait a minute, is that true?

(cuts to Hermione in front of camera)

Hermione: Jonathan actually had some great advice for me earlier.

(cuts to JVN, styling her hair) JVN: So, like, Karamo would tell you that you should follow your heart or whatever. But I’m gonna tell you right now, hunny, that if the boy you like doesn’t see what’s right in front of him, do not waste your time with that shit. Little Baby Draco obviously wants to stick it to you, so at the very least you can let him buy you stuff and give you a bunch of orgasms.

(cuts to Hermione in library)

Hermione: Guess you’ll just have to try harder, Malfoy.

(cuts to Draco in front of camera.)

Draco: She’s playing me. (shakes head in awe) She may be the perfect woman.

(cuts to Tan and Bobby gaping at JVN)

JVN: And that’s the third easiest way to make a woman come. Now . The G-spot. It’s actually misleading to call it a spot because it’s actually—

Tan: I’m sorry. This is seriously whack . How is this possible?

JVN: (shrugs. Continues to admire the moleskin coat against his skin tone) There’s lots of things you guys don’t know about me.

(cuts to Harry putting the moves on Ginny. JVN pops out behind a bush)

JVN: (gasps) Oh, Hinny! YAAASSS QUEEN!!!!!!!!!

Harry: (squints) Sirius? You’re alive?

JVN: (puts sunglasses on and disappears back into bush)

(Karamo and Blaise talk animatedly, walking down the corridor. They both stop when they hear a noise in a nearby broom cupboard)

Blaise: What the…? (opens it)

(Hermione and Draco are locked in a heated embrace. Hermione’s shirt and jumper are lying in a heap on the ground, leaving her in just her bra. Draco’s tie is gone and his shirt is completely unbuttoned. They’re both flushed. They leap apart when the door opens.)

Hermione: (gasps) Malfoy, get away from me! (slaps him, Accios her shirt and jumper, and storms off)

Draco: (gobsmacked) I’m going to marry the fuck out of that woman some day.

(cuts to the Fab 5 in the car)

JVN: So, Hogwarts was gorgeous!

Karamo: I feel like we learned so much this week.

Antoni: (grinning goofily while wearing a crop top with avocados all over it) I feel inspired.

Bobby: (sighing, looking out the window) I feel exhausted. Olympe and I went out for margs last night.

Tan: (gasps) Jonathan, did you seriously steal that moleskin coat?

JVN: What? It looks cute on me. Don’t undermine my truth, Tan!

(Fab 5 closing credits rolls)

The End