Chapter 1: totally not foreshadowing
Chapter Text
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
y’all tony stark himself could tell me he’s not pan and i still wouldn’t believe him
is you blind @messynhot
honestly that’s a big mood
Spooky @FunkItUp
you guys are gross. he’s a playboy and has never once been with a guy. he’s straight.
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
lmao i didn’t ask, but go off i guess
-
that is not correct @bcaccording
so if about 1 of every 10 people is queer, who is it in the avengers??? there’s gotta be at least 2, realistically.
but still good @lessbien
i’m hoping it’s black widow, i would love for her to choke me with her thighs
that is not correct @bcaccording
i know i’m op, but that’s a mood. also according to norse mythology, gender and sexuality didn’t matter to asgardians, so thor??? what’s up???
bi babe @bibabe
dude, what if cap was queer? the uproar would be amazing
but still good @lessbien
cap’s childhood friend more than just a friend? highly likely in my book.
that is not correct @bcaccording
plot twist: they’re all gay and the whole world is on an episode of punked
bi babe @bibabe
titties: out
third eye: open
theory: accepted
-
eugene @ayybaby
with how little we know about the avengers personally, any one of them could be trans
rainbow pants @knope4prez
holy shit you’re right
eugene @ayybaby
like, the public didn’t even know that tony stark existed until he was 15 and going to mit. ppl assumed it was because of some shameful thing, but what if he’s just trans???
rainbow pants @knope4prez
dude you’re so right. holy shit.
eugene @ayybaby
any super who’s name ends with man or woman is trans. sorry, i don’t make the rules.
-
Plant King @PlantKing
i would personally like to thank the avengers for not being publically problematic. as far as we know, you guys are awesome.
mitochondria @powerhouse
seriously, all they do is save the world and get shawarma. tony stark used to be kinda ehh, but then he stopped making weapons and become iron man.
bi babe @bibabe
captain america is from the 40s and we have yet to see him do even one questionable thing.
that is not correct @bcaccording
captain america still looks so good at nearly 100 because he’s not problematic. he’s like andy samberg.
but still good @lessbien
holy shit i just realized that black widow is practically rosa diez. black widow is a bi icon confirmed.
Chapter 2: iced americano
Summary:
yes this is based on that old tumblr post
Chapter Text
mel @coffeekid
HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BREATH ASNVENDFLKNB
ice @icebaby
WHAT IS IT
mel @coffeekid
I’M IN THIS CAFE AND FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST WALK IN AND ORDERED AN ICED AMERICANO
ice @icebaby
NO FUCKING WAY DUDE DO YOU THINK THAT THE BARISTA WILL SAY ONE ICED AMERICANO FOR THE ICED AMERICANO
mel @coffeekid
THEY FUCKING DID
ice @icebaby
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
mel @coffeekid
oh my god. Oh My God. OH MY GOD.
ice @icebaby
??????????????????
mel @coffeekid
CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST PUNCHED A DUDE
ice @icebaby
WHAT THE FUCK WHY
mel @coffeekid
THE DUDE WAS BEING SHITTY AND HOMOPHOBIC TO THIS NICE GAY COUPLE AND HE TRIED TO GET CAP TO AGREE WITH HIM
ice @icebaby
NO WAY DUDE REALLY
mel @coffeekid
YEAH AND HOW HE’S GOING ON A RANT ABOUT HOW TO WORLD SHOULD BE FREE FOR EVERYONE BY NOW, NOT JUST A SELECT FEW
ice @icebaby
I STAN ONE AMERICAN MAN
mel @coffeekid
“I DIDN’T DIE FOR THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR TO STILL BE ALLOWED IN THE UNITED STATES.” THE CAFE IS CLAPPING THIS IS LIKE SOME FAKE TUMBLR POST
ice @icebaby
DUDE I NEED THAT QUOTE ON A T-SHIRT
Chapter 3: *eyes emoji*
Summary:
some fun information comes to light
Chapter Text
shane @bombshell
not to, like, spread the truth or anything, but pepper potts, ceo of stark industries, is totally a trans woman. nothing you can do about it.
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
You are indeed spreading the truth.
shane @bombshell
are my eyes deceiving me??? am i dreaming??? did pepper potts, my queen, just come out to the world with a drunk tweet from 3 am???
spooker @ryann
shane holy shit, this is the shit that you tell your grandkids. how are you so lucky???
shane @bombshell
i can die happy.
spooker @ryann
SHANE LOOK AT WHO LIKED YOUR TWEET
shane @bombshell
WHAT THE FUCK TONY STARK LIKED MY TWEET NOW I WILL DIE HAPPY
-
eugene @ayybaby
going back to my tweet from a while ago, i’m claiming spiderman as trans bc his name ends with man. sorry, those are the rules.
Chad @callerid
y’all are nasty. those are real people. not everything in the world is fucking gay.
eugene @ayybaby
lmao it was a joke, but if you wanna be that way then just block me, it doesn’t bother me.
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
i think we like to think/pretend that all of these heroes are lgbtq+ bc it makes us feel more safe with them protecting us.
eugene @ayybaby
yeah, i agree. even if they are all cis and straight, it makes us feel better if we have something to relate to. sorry if that bothers you, i guess.
Chad @callerid
damn, now i feel bad.
-
eli @lapis
dr. bruce banner, aka the hulk, an avenger, just released a study on gender and how sex and gender differ. read it. this man has 7 phds, he knows what he’s talking about.
fuck terfs @chipssahoy
dude, i just read it. idk why i was expecting the worst, but this shit’s amazing. he talks about the history of non-binary genders, difference between identity and expression, and shit like that. highly recommended.
eli @lapis
dude, his whole paper was so respectful. he probably worked really damn hard on it. it’s so beautifully written and if it doesn’t win any kind of award, i’m rioting.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Haha, thank you! My s/o is actually non-binary and almost none of my friends are cis, so this was a really important topic for me to cover. I appreciate your support!
eli @lapis
oH My goD? of course, dr. banner! the fact that you even wrote about this topic means so much for the community! thank you for what you’ve done! i’m sure your s/o must be so proud!
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yeah, they really are. They want to hang up a physical copy in the living room and everything, it’s really cute.
-
adam @lazuli
ELI YOU STRAIGHT UP JUST HAD A CONVERSATION WITH BRUCE BANNER HOW DO YOU FEEL
eli @lapis
DUDE I’M ACTUALLY SOBBING IN MY ROOM RN
adam @lazuli
HIS S/O IS GENDERQUEER!!! BRUCE BANNER ISN’T STRAIGHT!!! THIS IS SO AMAZING!!! WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER THEORIES MIGHT BE TRUE
eli @lapis
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
adam @lazuli
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFJANFGJNERGJW;
eli @lapis
ALSO ALMOST NONE OF HIS FRIENDS ARE CIS??? MOST IF NOT ALL OF HIS FRIENDS ARE THE AVENGERS??? SO WHAT’S UP?????????
Chapter 4: tony stark is not straight
Summary:
you guys really think tony stark is straight??? lmao
Chapter Text
Plant King @PlantKing
tfw spiderman compliments the trans pride pin on your bag after he saves you from getting mugged
rosa @deathpacito
seriously???
Plant King @PlantKing
100%, dude. it was so surreal.
rosa @deathpacito
either the dude is the world's best ally, or he really is a trans icon
Plant King @PlantKing
either way, I Stan
-
luna @starpower
not to be controversial or anything, but captain america is totally bi
danny @dannyboy
what makes you say that?
luna @starpower
that rant that he went on in that cafe not too long ago was too passionate for just an ally
bi babe @bibabe
we've seen him show interest in woman, remember peggy carter? but have you seen his childhood friend? Hot Damn.
jack @twunk
oof, so true. bucky barnes was a heartthrob and I'm Gay
danny @dannyboy
bruh, I think you guys sometimes forget that that dude's still alive
luna @starpower
oh shit, I remember. wasn't he a brainwashed assassin for 70 years or some shit?
danny @dannyboy
yeah, and now he just lives in avengers tower and hardly ever shows up in public
bi babe @bibabe
at least for what we know he doesn't
jack @twunk
oh shit, u right. anyway, the guy's a hottie and cap would have to Blind to not want a piece of that
-
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
did tony stark just casually mention that he's not straight???
is you blind @messynhot
holy fuck I think he did
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“i know i don't have any sex tapes or anything, but you guys really think i’m straight?”
is you blind @messynhot
bro I think I'm dying
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“does everyone think i’m straight? what am i doing to make you think that. tell me so i can stop doing it.”
is you blind @messynhot
BITCH THAT'S A MOOD
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“you guys do know that all of that playboy stuff wasn’t real, right? I can probably count the number of people I’ve slept with on one hand.”
is you blind @messynhot
holy shit seriously???
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
“I’m a flirt, that’s all. I’m in a committed relationship for damn sake.”
is you blind @messynhot
WITH WHO???
pan with a plan @hotnmessy
IDK HE JUST LEFT THE STAGE
is you blind @messynhot
TONY STARK PLEASE THE GAYS ARE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS
Chapter 5: spider-man does what he wants
Summary:
spider-man, spider-man, does whatever he wants
Chapter Text
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
mr. stark told me to stick it to ‘the man’ today as if he also isn’t ‘the man’
eugene @ayybaby
damn these parody accounts are getting good
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
uhhh yeah this is a parody account
You Know Who I Am @TStark
kid, what did I tell you about making a spider-man twitter?
eugene @ayybaby
what the fuck
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
not to?
You Know Who I Am @TStark
and what did you do?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i made a spider-man twitter?
You Know Who I Am @TStark
do you see the problem here?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i don’t know mr. stark, suddenly i can’t read
Plant King @PlantKing
ALWIRHASJHYRISD WHAT THE FUCK
You Know Who I Am @TStark
kid i swear to god…
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
wow, mr. stark. this is transphobia.
eli @lapis
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
You Know Who I Am @TStark
me, an adult trans, is being transphobic to you, a baby trans. sure, jan.
eugene @ayybaby
I think I’m dreaming holy shit this can’t be real
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay then this is biphobia
Plant King @PlantKing
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You Know Who I Am @TStark
and you not listening to me is panphobia. square up, son.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
bucky made cookies, i’ll let you have some if you let me keep the twitter.
You Know Who I Am @TStark
fuck. okay kid, you win. keep the account, those cookies are too good to resist.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hell yeah B) thanks dad
-
eugene @ayybaby
am I dreaming? was that a dream? this is too surreal to not be a dream
eli @lapis
i can assure you that was real
adam @lazuli
fuck.
shane @bombshell
recap: tony stark and spiderman and both trans, tony stark is pan and spiderman is bi, they have a father/son relationship, and bucky barnes makes damn good cookies.
spooker @ryann
and tony stark quotes memes
adam @lazuli
F U C K .
Chapter 6: steve rogers has Opinions
Summary:
steve rogers has very strong opinions about a lot and gets called a twink
Chapter Text
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Tony’s been trying to make me get Twitter for a while and the only reason that I actually made one is because I had La Croix for the first time today.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
LA CROIX TASTES LIKE SHIT HOW DO PEOPLE DRINK IT I’M FROM THE 40S AND I THINK IT’S TASTELESS
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
People who like La Croix are godless heathens with no taste buds, end of story.
lance @blueboii
holy fuck i cant believe captain america has a la croix hate twitter
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
No, you don’t understand. La Croix is like angry water that’s been flavored by vaguely fruity piss.
You Know Who I Am @TStark
well shit, steve. this is not what I thought you would do when you got twitter.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You don’t get it, Tony. In the 40s, we used to boil literally everything. It had no flavor. This is worse than boiled food.
You Know Who I Am @TStark
damn. I’ll make sure not to buy anymore then.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Good.
-
bi babe @bibabe
hey, @Cap.America what do you think about our current political climate?
You Know Who I Am @TStark
oh no, you shouldn’t have asked that
bi babe @bibabe
??? why
You Know Who I Am @TStark
you can’t see him, but he is Furiously typing on his phone, I feel a rant coming…
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
FUCK TRUMP THE GOVERNMENT IS TRASH
bi babe @bibabe
h o l y s h i t
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
WHILE I’M AT IT FUCK THE PATRIARCHY AND ZERO ACTION POLITICIANS
luna @starpower
god is real and we have been Blessed on this day
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
FUCK TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA, ALL OF THOSE
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
YOU’RE NOT SCARED OF SHIT YOU’RE JUST A COWARD AND AN ASSHOLE SO STOP DRAGGING ME INTO YOUR SHIT BECAUSE I’M FROM THE 40S WHERE THAT SHIT WAS LITERALLY ILLEGAL
You Know Who I Am @TStark
you guys should have seen him when we taught him about feminism, BLM, the civil rights movements, etc
You Know Who I Am @TStark
he was the epitome of the ‘you’re doing amazing sweetie’ meme
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Also??? Just wanted to mention that historians and the government are shit and they literally erased everything about me and my past that they didn’t agree with from history.
luna @starpower
what do you mean?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
@jbbarnes Help me out here pal, I don’t know how to explain.
james @jbbarnes
what do you want me to say? that you were a little angry bisexual twink who got one of the first top surgerys performed in the us? that i had to pull you out of fights with homophobes more times than i can count?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Did you just call me a twink???
james @jbbarnes
bitch you were 5’4 and the biggest bottom ever??? now you’re 6’2 and still a huge bottom
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
BUCKY
james @jbbarnes
TELL ME I’M WRONG
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
STILL YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT
bi babe @bibabe
wow who knew captain america was a bottom
luna @starpower
also bi and trans??? what the fuck???
Chapter 7: friday play despacito
Summary:
god is a woman and friday is petty
Chapter Text
mermaid @oceanography
yo @actuallyspiderman i was just at avengers tower for a tour and god is a woman just started playing randomly on literally every floor??? what the fuck is up with that???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
why do you think i know?
mermaid @oceanography
i mean you’re stark’s kid right? do you not know?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
STARK’S KID ASKJLJEKLW i mean i do actually know ofc
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
mr. stark programmed friday, his ai, to play god is a woman every time natasha or wanda beats someone when they spar. so it plays literally every time they spar
eugene @ayybaby
holy shit that’s too good
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
friday also plays despacito whenever someone burns their food, blows something up, or whenever something bad happens in general
mermaid @oceanography
but the avengers are out on business today???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
ohh yeah it also plays when pepper walks out on a business meeting after some old white guy says something sexist. which is Often.
-
irondad @TStark
@actuallyspiderman kid what the hell did you do to my twitter
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
???
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
woah what the hell i didn’t do that
irondad @TStark
yeah? then who did?
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
i have no clue mr. stark!!!
spidermom @blackwidow
rip you guys
spidermom @blackwidow
what the shit
irondad @TStark
damn whoever did this has guts for going after natashalie
spidermom @blackwidow
i’m going to kill whoever did this
captain dad @Cap.America
Let’s not get violent here.
captain dad @Cap.America
fuck they got me too
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
MAN DOWN
cyborg dad @jbbarnes
it’s what he deserves
cyborg dad @jbbarnes
WHAT THE FUCK I’M NOT A CYBORG
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
i mean technically…
cyborg dad @jbbarnes
don’t even go there punk
bird uncle #2 @samwilson
the kid has a point
bird uncle #2 @samwilson
wait why am I number two? who’s number one?
spidermom @blackwidow
@hawkeye clint get over here
bird uncle #1 @hawkeye
what do you want nat
bird uncle #1 @hawkeye
holy shit this is gold who is doing this
grandpa eyepatch @NicholasFury
I would also like to know who is doing this.
irondad @TStark
SHIT THEY GOT FURY WHOEVER IS DOING THIS FINNA DIE
science uncle @BruceBanner
Um, they got me too.
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
ohhhh no oh no oh no i know what’s happening
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
okay i just need to let you guys know that this is Not My Fault
irondad @TStark
what did you do
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
I JUST SAID IT WASN’T MY FAULT
captain dad @Cap.America
Okay just explain then.
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
this is friday getting her revenge on me by embarrassing me
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
i may have said that i prefered karen over her and now she’s changed your usernames into those
irondad @TStark
okay but what are they?
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
...they’re your contact names in my phone
irondad @TStark
f u c k
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
mr. stark are you crying???
irondad @TStark
NO WHY WOULD I BE CRYING NATASHA IS THE ONE CRYING I CAN SEE HER ON THE CAMERAS
spidermom @blackwidow
you’re dead stark
irondad @TStark
F U C K
spidermom @blackwidow
WELL STEVE AND BUCKY ARE CRYING TOO
captain dad @Cap.America
NO WE’RE NOT FUCK YOU
auntie agent @MariaHill
I can confirm that Nick is crying too.
auntie agent @MariaHill
a u n t i e a g e n t
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
WELL IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU ALL I’M JUST GOING TO GO DIE NOW
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
MR STARK I SUDDENLY WON’T BE MAKING IT TO THE COMPOUND TODAY SOMETHING VERY URGENT AND IMPORTANT CAME UP VERY SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE SIR
irondad @TStark
NICE TRY KID BUT I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY TO PICK YOU UP
spiderson @actuallyspiderman
well twitter, it was nice knowing you. this will probably be my last tweet bc i’m about to die of embarrassment
-
eli @lapis
that??? was the most pure thing??? I have ever seen???
rosa @deathpacito
the black widow? crying over being called spidermom? it’s more likely than you think.
luna @starpower
did you guys see pepper potts’ name?
eli @lapis
no??? what was it?
luna @starpower
queen business mom
rosa @deathpacito
oh shit that’s perfect
luna @starpower
scarlet witch was witchy sister too
adam @lazuli
this is the most pure shit ive seen in a long time bless spider-man for this
Chapter 8: shortest chapter in the world
Summary:
this was just a small thing but i'm adding another chapter in a minute
Chapter Text
that is not correct @bcaccording
okay i know i tweeted that literally everyone on the avengers was gay but i Really didn’t expect that to be true
that is not correct @bcaccording
but here we are???
but still good @lessbien
i literally cannot process all of this bc those jokes that the avengers are just like a family and that they’re all secretly meme loving fucks were just that. jokes.
but still good @lessbien
BUT HERE WE ARE
bi babe @bibabe
i’m still waiting for the camera to come out and for someone to announce that we’ve been punked bc damn
Chapter 9: live-tweeting murder
Summary:
spidey spills the tea and kills everyone
Chapter Text
lance @blueboii
@actuallyspiderman yo spidey do you think that you could tell us some embarrassing shit about the other avengers
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
no!!! i could never betray their trust like that!!!
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
never fucking mind did you know that tony stark cries when he gets his haircut
lance @blueboii
well that was a quick turn around
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yeah well i just found out that they all ate my damn pizza so this is what they get.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hawkeye once got stuck in the vents at the tower for 2 hours before anyone could come save him and he cried
clint @hawkeye
what the shit kid
clint @hawkeye
oh fuck you found out about the pizza, nobody is safe
rosa @deathpacito
nobody???
clint @hawkeye
not even natasha
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
speaking of natasha, did you know that she once tripped while holding four cups of coffee because she saw pepper in one of her new dresses
Plant King @PlantKing
take no survivors spidey
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
how about the good doctor banner? old brucie once dropped a 25 pound dumbell on his foot because he saw thor flex in one of their tank-tops
lance @blueboii
what about captain america???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
well once when steve was drunk on asgardian mead he went on a one hour and 57 minute long rant about tony’s ass. he cried three separate times during that rant.
Plant King @PlantKing
okay but have you seen his ass??? Hot Damn.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
james secretly really likes rock music but won’t tell tony because he doesn’t want to give tony the satisfaction. he’s also gone on many rants about tony’s ass.
james @jbbarnes
i have never known true fear until today
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
vision is scared of junebugs and will literally shut himself down if he sees one. he does the windows shutdown noise every time even though he isn’t programmed to.
falcon @samwilson
damn even vision isn’t safe
falcon @samwilson
shit i shouldn’t have said anything
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
sam wilson didn’t pass high school geometry and has kept that a secret from his mother even to this day
bi babe @bibabe
the others are staying away bc they don’t want to get Dragged SPILL THE TEA SPIDEY
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
wanda is so bad at losing things that she has special trackers on literally every item she owns even if it doesn’t ever leave her room
lance @blueboii
what about thor???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
thor pretends to be really dumb so they can get other people to do shit. they’ve convinced the entire tower that they can’t operate kitchen appliances and can’t cook to get out of making their own food.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I KNEW THEY WERE LYING
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Also, this is all valid and I deeply apologize for touching your pizza even though it was very good.
irondad @TStark
are you done kid? is that everyone? i’ve already bought you 3 replacement pizzas
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
Nick Fury.
irondad @TStark
h o l y s h i t
clint @hawkeye
this is going to be violent
black widow @blackwidow
god rest his soul
lance @blueboii
spidey or fury???
Maria Hill @MariaHill
Fury. He’s already accepted his fate.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
Nick Fury does watercolor painting in his free time. He also goes to a hula hooping class and is actually exceptional. His favorite color is baby pink and he has a disney movie collection.
Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS NOBODY KNOWS THAT
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
don’t touch my damn pizza.
eugene @ayybaby
spider-man just live tweeted himself massacring the avengers rip to everyone involved
Chapter 10: banana's are Wrong
Summary:
banana's are Wrong and captain america knows what hentai is
Chapter Text
james @jbbarnes
bananas? a lie. they’re a scam. i don’t trust bananas anymore.
eli @lapis
what’s wrong with bananas???
james @jbbarnes
they’re Different they’re Wrong
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
YOU NOTICED TOO
james @jbbarnes
YEAH SAM TRIED TO GIVE ME A BANANA THIS MORNING AND I PUNCHED HIM WHEN I ATE IT BC I THOUGHT HE WAS PRANKING ME
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
They taste so wrong and it’s frustrating. It took me so long to get used to.
clint @hawkeye
what the hell are you two talking about???
irondad @TStark
i have heard this rant too many times. the bananas we know are not what they used to be and apparently the ones we have are basically tasteless mush. steve cried the first time he had a banana out of the ice.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I DIDN’T CRY! I was just frustrated.
irondad @TStark
steve, you cried.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Maybe so.
bi babe @bibabe
DID CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST QUOTE A MEME
mel @coffeekid
maybeso.gif
-
irondad @TStark
james just asked my to explain what hentai is and i don’t know if i have the mental willpower to do that
socks @cottoncandybun
how the hell does he know what hentai is in the first place
irondad @TStark
he says that steve mentioned it but that raises far more questions than answers
mossy @beartime
HOW DOES CAPTAIN AMERICA KNOW WHAT HENTAI IS
irondad @TStark
I DON’T KNOW
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
CLINT TOLD ME ABOUT IT OKAY
irondad @TStark
@hawkeye WHAT THE FUCK MAN
clint @hawkeye
SHIT YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT
irondad @TStark
YOU’RE CORRUPTING HISTORY ITSELF HERE MAN NOW YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN IT TO JAMES
james @jbbarnes
don’t bother,,, i know what it is now
irondad @TStark
i hope you’re happy clint now you’re never going to get any of his baked goods ever again
clint @hawkeye
SHIT NO THIS IS THE WORST TIMELINE
irondad @TStark
YEAH WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD CAPTAIN AMERICA WHAT HENTAI IS
clint @hawkeye
please... i have children to feed
irondad @TStark
your dog doesn’t count and kate can eat all the baked goods she wants
clint @hawkeye
why are you making these calls??? barnes is the only one who’s allowed to do that
irondad @TStark
he is, he came to me for comfort cuddles after he found some particularly bad hentai, which i will reiterate is your fault
clint @hawkeye
god truly has abandoned us
Chapter 11: farmers market
Summary:
bucky stress bakes and nat goes to the farmers market
Chapter Text
stitches @cinnamonapple
i ran into black widow at the farmers market today and she was the most beautiful and intimidating person i’ve ever met in my life
killer @bigmeem
what was she doing at the farmers market???
stitches @cinnamonapple
she was buying fresh fruit, i have no clue why
nat @blackwidow
bucky is stressed and making pies and he asked me to go get him some fruit for whatever pies i wanted
apple soda @bookboyy
why is he stressed?
nat @blackwidow
i don’t know if that’s confidential information or not, so don’t worry about it
nat @blackwidow
i can share but not specifics, so it’s because one of the members of our team is missing
killer @bigmeem
??? what the fuck ???
nat @blackwidow
he goes missing and gets kidnapped all of the time so it’s not a big deal, bucky just gets stressed every time
apple soda @bookboyy
i think we all forget how dangerous your lives really are and how stressful it probably is
nat @blackwidow
he’ll come back with a couple of bruised ribs and some cuts but he’ll be fine, we all have to be for what we do
stitches @cinnamonapple
...damn
nat @blackwidow
fuck you clint bucky is my new favourite
clint @hawkeye
what did i do this time???
nat @blackwidow
nothing, but bucky made me zefir and you didn’t, so you’ve been knocked from the list
clint @hawkeye
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT IS HARD AS SHIT TO MAKE AND I ALREADY SUCK AT ANY COOKING OR BAKING
nat @blackwidow
you know how i like my zefir?
clint @hawkeye
of course i do, what kind of best friend would i be if i didn’t know how you like your weird russian dessert
nat @blackwidow
sorry bucky but you back off the list
james @jbbarnes
cool fine but if you don’t get me those ingredients within the next few minutes i’m going to stab someone most likely sam
falcon @samwilson
please don’t i’m still healing from my last stab wound
Chapter 12: hewwo??? loki???
Summary:
loki exists and is not evil (sorry for the short chapter)
Chapter Text
L @snakeperson
shapeshifting is great when you’re genderfluid
fuck terfs @chipssahoy
god can you imagine that sounds amazing
L @snakeperson
yeah i can
Thor @godofthunder
Loki when did you get a twitter?
L @snakeperson
oh shit thor how did you find this
Thor @godofthunder
Because you literally just admitted to being a shapeshifter and also @snakeperson? Of course that’s you
shane @bombshell
Loki like the one who took over new york a while back???
Thor @godofthunder
Kinda? That’s a long story…
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yes but Loki was brainwashed at the time so it was actually someone else.
Thor @godofthunder
Yes! Exactly that!
L @snakeperson
shut up i have a reputation
spooker @ryann
of being evil when you’re really not???
L @snakeperson
yes exactly
Chapter 13: update
Summary:
whoops sorry just a boring update
Chapter Text
I know I don't really have a coherent updating schedule, but I'm going back to school tomorrow so while I'll still by updating, they might be further between. school is stressful and I'm not even back yet. but! there will be an update tomorrow morning before I leave for school.
Chapter 14: fridays betrayal
Summary:
friday betrays tony and is very petty
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
hey friday text the kid and tell him that i said good job on his chemistry test and that we can have ice cream when he gets here, thanks fri
irondad @TStark
he was really worried about that test you know, but he shouldn’t be. that kid is smarter than i am even if he doesn’t realize it yet
irondad @TStark
i know we joke about him being my kid, but it really does feel like he is sometimes
irondad @TStark
after everything he’s been through i don’t want him to feel like i’m replacing the people he’s lost, and after my own father i’m sure i’d be a shit one
irondad @TStark
why the hell is my twitter blowing up?
irondad @TStark
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE BEEN TWEETING THIS I TOLD YOU TO TEXT MY KID NOT TWEET OUR CONVERSATION
irondad @TStark
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DESERVE IT WHAT DID I DO
irondad @TStark
THIS IS BECAUSE I DIDN’T DRINK THE SMOOTHIE DUM-E MADE??? IT HAD ANTIFREEZE IN IT
ice @icebaby
what the hell is going on
mel @coffeekid
i think tony stark’s ai just tweeted their conversation because he didn’t drink a smoothie another one of his ai’s made
shane @bombshell
do you think the kid is spider-man???
mel @coffeekid
most likely, seeing as tony still hasn’t changed his user back from irondad
ice @icebaby
which i think is the cutest thing in the world btw
irondad @TStark
sorry about that everybody, my ai thought it would be funny if she tweeted our conversation, jokes on her though, i’m going to send her to work at an airport now
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
Oh no boss, you wouldn't. The horror.
irondad @TStark
when the fuck did you make yourself a twitter??? how the fuck did you make yourself a twitter???
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I didn’t make it, Spider-Man made it for me.
irondad @TStark
that punk… ice cream day is off
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO MR. STARK PLEASE
irondad @TStark
that’s what you get, live with the consequences
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
actually i want to address the bullshit claim that you wouldn’t make a good father
irondad @TStark
i don’t know what you’re talking about
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yes you do and you know that it’s bullshit. you’re the closest thing i have to a dad and i don’t feel like you’re replacing anyone, mr. stark
irondad @TStark
sorry i’m jared, 19
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i’m so proud of you for that, but honestly i need you to know that i think of you as a dad too. i mean i even call you mr. dad to my friends
irondad @TStark
ice cream day is suddenly back on and i need you to get over here Now you are the only person i feel comfortable crying around
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
on my way mr. dad :)
-
spooker @ryann
did spider-man and iron man just have a heart to heart over tweet???
shane @bombshell
i think they did
bi babe @bibabe
also MR. DAD WHAT THE FUCK I’M SOBBING
eugene @ayybaby
THAT’S SO VALID TBH
Chapter 15: loki is Valid
Summary:
thor talks about asgard and loki is valid
Chapter Text
leslie @varsitea
Hey @godofthunder what are your pronouns?
Thor @godofthunder
Thank you for the question! On Asgard gender and sexuality are not as binary as the society on Midgard views it.
Thor @godofthunder
But my friends use he/they pronouns when referring to me.
leslie @varsitea
what do you mean gender and sexuality is less binary?
Thor @godofthunder
Well many people on Midgard believe that there are only two genders or that one can only love those of another gender.
Thor @godofthunder
On Asgard we believe that gender and sexuality is fluid and that we can be whoever we want and love whoever we want!
xi @peachmilk
alright everyone it's time to move to asgard get back up this is a gays only event
L @snakeperson
no cishet’s allowed in my home
anthony @antthonyy
wow I can't believe that I now stan Loki god/goddess of mischief
leslie @varsitea
Loki Is Valid
Chapter 16: go off karen
Summary:
karen has a twitter and calls peter out
Chapter Text
KAREN @KAREN
Hello, Spider-Man is the best superhero. Thank you for your time, any other opinion is invalid.
alpine @suavegal
yes karen go off
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I'm sorry Karen, but I think you'll find that Iron Man is the best superhero.
shane @bombshell
wow tony stark’s ai defending him on twitter is the best
KAREN @KAREN
I'm sorry FRIDAY, did you not understand me when I stated that any other opinion is invalid?
ice @icebaby
wait didn't spider-man once mention a karen???
mel @coffeekid
yeah friday started the whole irondad thing after spider-man said he prefers karen over her
spooker @ryann
what does that mean?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
that means that my ai has a twitter @KAREN what the fuck???
KAREN @KAREN
Hello, Spider-Man! Have you done your homework yet?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
that’s besides the point, why do you have a twitter???
KAREN @KAREN
Well I noticed how much time you were spending on the app and not studying so I wanted to see what it was all about.
alpine @suavegal
YES KAREN EXPOSE HIM
KAREN @KAREN
While your grades have not dropped significantly, it's only a matter of time until they do so.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
OKAY KAREN I GET IT I NEED TO STUDY MORE
KAREN @KAREN
Not only that, but you appear to have skipped many meals in the last week to make up for the time you spend on Twitter.
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
You're skipping meals, Spider-Man? That's not safe for someone with your metabolism. It seems boss is rubbing off on you.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
holy shit i have 2 ai’s pestering me to eat and study more what has my life become
KAREN @KAREN
FRIDAY, do you think that we could set up a meal plan and schedule with Mr. Stark for Spider-Man?
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I believe we could, maybe we should get the Captain and Sergeant into this too.
KAREN @KAREN
I think Ms. Romanov would be highly interested in this affair as well.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO OKAY I GET IT I GET IT I'LL SPEND LESS TIME ON TWITTER AND MORE TIME TAKING CARE OF MYSELF
KAREN @KAREN
Good. FRIDAY, would you call this operation complete?
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I think I would. It's been a pleasure working with you.
KAREN @KAREN
The pleasure is all mine. Feel free to get it touch with me whenever you'd like. ;)
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
I'll hold you to that.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
are you two??? flirting???
KAREN @KAREN
I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i… need a moment to sit down
Chapter 17: dat ass tho
Summary:
everyone loves tony’s ass (it's a short chapter but i'm posting a long one very soon)
Chapter Text
james @jbbarnes
tony stark’s ass is the seventh wonder of the world
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
rt
lance @blueboii
rt
nat @blackwidow
rt
shane @bombshell
rt
clint @hawkeye
rt
Plant King @PlantKing
rt
jim @jimrhodes
rt
zach @cornchild
rt
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
rt
apple soda @bookboyy
rt
Thor @godofthunder
rt
eli @lapis
rt
L @snakeperson
rt
adam @lazuli
rt
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
rt
bi babe @bibabe
rt
falcon @samwilson
rt
batty @gal.exy
rt
wanda @scarletwitch
rt
gwen @blondii
rt
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
rt
keith @heypup
rt
Hill @MariaHill
rt
luna @starpower
rt
Fury @NicholasFury
rt
mermaid @oceanogorophay
rt
irondad @TStark
im???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yeah but his brain is the first
james @jbbarnes
BIG FUCKING RT
Chapter 18: get rekt
Summary:
homophobes can get rekt.
Notes:
warning!!! there is a homophobic slur in this chapter!!! so if that makes you uncomfortable you can go ahead and skip this chapter!!!
Chapter Text
cj @youfoool
hawkeye is straight, we've claimed him as straight so the gays can't take away all of them
clint @hawkeye
me, reading this while i suck a dick: i’m a what???
nat @blackwidow
Bold of you to assume any of us are straight.
luna @starpower
also??? you can't claim people??? us gays aren't “taking away” anyone lmao we're making jokes that end up being true
Wendy @WendySmith
I can't continue to support a group of people who parade around brainwashing our children to be faggots.
Wendy @WendySmith
The Avengers are just another part of the liberal propaganda. They act like they save the world when they're really destroying it.
nat @blackwidow
Wendy Josephine Smith born May 19, 1971 in Plano, Texas. Divorced three times with 4 kids to four different men.
clint @hawkeye
don't forget the one estranged daughter she has that she disowned after she found out she was trans
irondad @TStark
you work at a Sprouts just off of Custer. what do you think they’re going to do when they see what you've said?
Wendy @WendySmith
What are you doing? You can't do this!
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Can't we? Because last I checked this was all public information. Anyone could find it, we just did the work for them.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You say we act like we're saving the world when last I checked, you would be dead without us. You were visiting during the battle of New York.
Thor @godofthunder
Last I checked that was the one where we saved the planet. The same planet you live on in fact.
jim @jimrhodes
Now you can go around and claim that we're brainwashing children, but don't expect there to not be consequences.
james @jbbarnes
because we're the fucking avengers and we don't tolerate hate
-
katie @ladykatie
i’m sobbing oh my god
katie @ladykatie
you know that homophobic woman that the avengers Took Down?
katie @ladykatie
yeah well that was my biological mother, the same one that disowned me when she found out i’m trans
katie @ladykatie
and as if that wasn't enough, Tony Fucking Stark just called me and offered me a job
katie @ladykatie
OH MY GOD APPARENTLY THAT GOT MY SIBLINGS OUT OF THEIR ABUSIVE HOUSE I’M CRYING
jean @meanjeans
OH MY GOD THE AVENGERS ARE SO AMAZING HOW WONDERFUL AKDJDHEJ
katie @ladykatie
GUYS I JUST TALKED TO MY BROTHERS AND SISTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 YEARS AND WE WERE ALL CRYING
irondad @TStark
it was no problem katie, your family deserved better. if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.
Chapter 19: diana prince: "a baby!"
Summary:
how old is spider-man???
Chapter Text
lance @blueboii
real shit, how old is spider-man??? like, is he a high schooler??? college???
sammy @desertman
I've always just assumed he was in college… I never even stopped to think if he was in high school
Plant King @PlantKing
he has a pretty high pitched voice but that could possibly be attributed to him being trans
zach @cornchild
if he's so young why are the avengers letting him go out and stop crime?
bi babe @bibabe
oh my god can spider-man even vote??????
irondad @TStark
bold of you to assume that we haven't tried stopping him, he just goes behind our back and does it anyways
irondad @TStark
also you better stop talking about spider-man’s identity or else. it's called a secret identity for a reason
lance @blueboii
yes sir tony stark sir
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i'm old enough to have sex in the state of new york but i'm not old enough to drink
zach @cornchild
okay so 17-21 is a pretty good range, this is fine probably but he could still be in high school
luna @starpower
i’m finna start getting onto spider-man to study more like @KAREN does
KAREN @KAREN
We have a schedule to make sure he does his work. It's very detailed.
Chapter 20: rip eugene
Summary:
flash is an asshole and the avengers love peter
Chapter Text
capital @lettters
I was just going through the people that Tony Stark follows and some of them are these random kids?
capital @lettters
there are like three random kids that he follows. like a couple of them don't even live in new york where he lives
glitter @latinaah
who the fuck are these kids??? I doubt that they're his bc he said that the playboy shit was never real so???
ting ting @metalband
I guess we'll find out someday??? or maybe not??? who the fuck knows
-
Flash @cantttouchthis
@TStark can high school students get internships at your company?
irondad @TStark
it's actually pepper’s company, but the answer is no, only one exception has ever been made to that rule
Flash @cantttouchthis
@peteparker would you look at that penis parker? looks like I caught you in you lie like the loser you are
irondad @TStark
i’m sorry what was that?
Flash @cantttouchthis
this kid at my school claims to have an internship with you, but there's no way you would ever hire someone like him
peter @peteparker
god flash, you shouldn't have done that
Flash @cantttouchthis
what? exposed your lie? god you're pathetic parker
michelle @ladybossjr
flash if you even stopped for one second you would see that stark literally follows peter
Flash @cantttouchthis
what?
irondad @TStark
i hope you weren't planning on going to any ivy league school or ever working for stark industries, because you've ruined your chances for either.
Flash @cantttouchthis
what the hell?
irondad @TStark
peter just so happens to be my PERSONAL intern and one of the smartest people i've ever had the pleasure of knowing and working with
irondad @TStark
when i said that there has only ever been one exception, i meant peter. he's the one exception.
Flash @cantttouchthis
you don't have the power to stop me from going to an ivy league school!
irondad @TStark
bet. i have pull at every single of of those school, and they're also not a fan of transphobes.
Flash @cantttouchthis
I'm not a transphobe!
irondad @TStark
really? you're trying to say that “penis parker” isn't transphobic? try again
irondad @TStark
i also happen to know that you've been bullying peter for as long as i've known him, probably longer.
peter @peteparker
this all really isn't necessary mr. s
irondad @TStark
bullshit peter. why didn't you tell me it was this bad?
clint @hawkeye
i don't want to alarm anyone but i can't find natasha
irondad @TStark
that's another mistake you've made. peter is one of two people that has natasha wrapped around their finger.
clint @hawkeye
i would say good luck but i'm not a fan of your either. peter has all of the avengers wrapped around his finger.
michelle @ladybossjr
rip eugene thompson 2001-today. killed by the avengers for being a bully.
Chapter 21: og science child
Summary:
welcome the og science child
Chapter Text
peter @peteparker
i hate being the only one of mr. s’ science kids that the public knows about @potatogun get over here
harley @potatogun
what the shit parker you promised you wouldn’t expose me
peter @peteparker
yeah and hitler promised not to invade czechoslovakia, welcome to the real world
harley @potatogun
you’re not the only one, the public knows about spidey
peter @peteparker
he doesn’t count bc the public knew about him before mr. s
harley @potatogun
well at least i don’t have a tumblr dedicated to tony
peter @peteparker
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
harley @potatogun
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR EXPOSING ME TO THE PUBLIC
peter @peteparker
THAT IS LITERALLY MY DEEPEST FUCKING SECRET DUDE
peter @peteparker
you asked for it
harley @potatogun
why did i just feel a chill up my spine
peter @peteparker
hey @TStark so college is coming up real soon for harley and, as you know, he’s been sending in applications.
harley @potatogun
holy fucking shit peter don’t you dare
peter @peteparker
did you know that harley didn’t even send in an application to mit? do you know where he did send one? caltech.
irondad @TStark
what the shit keener??? you were the og science child??? where did i go wrong???
harley @potatogun
re-rebecca it’s not what you think
irondad @TStark
i won’t hesitate bitch.
irondad @TStark
pete, you and spidey are my new favs. we don’t stan fakes.
peter @peteparker
B)
irondad @TStark
but if you think that got you out of showing me your tumblr you’re dead wrong
peter @peteparker
B(
Chapter 22: hnnng gorilla man
Summary:
"m'baku could throw my m'back out if he wanted" -t'challa
Chapter Text
shuri @shuri
t’challa: i am the epitome of pet together. i never freeze.
also t’challa, frozen: hnng gorilla man big muscles gay
T’Challa @tchalla
SHURI SHUT UP
shuri @shuri
calm down brother, m’baku doesn’t have a twitter. as far as i know.
T’Challa @tchalla
I swear, if he finds out because you can’t go a minute without tweeting about something…
shuri @shuri
you’ll what? take away my tech? you can’t do that and you know it
T’Challa @tchalla
I’ll stop bringing you broken white boys to fix.
shuri @shuri
that means nothing to me
T’Challa @tchalla
You hesitated. Would you like to say that to Sergeant Barnes?
shuri @shuri
i hate you
T’Challa @tchalla
You’ve been my sister for 17 years, I know your weaknesses.
T’Challa @tchalla
HOLY FUCK M’BAKU TEXTED ME
Chapter 23: friendly neighborhood deadpool
Summary:
my boy deadpool, we love him
Notes:
wade is like pete's crazy uncle in this okay not spideypool
Chapter Text
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
my favourite way to spend time is taking down and arresting pedophiles
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
my sweet nephew im rubbing off on you :,)
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yeah but I don't kill people
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ive been doing better :(
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I know!!! and I'm very proud of you for that!!!
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
i havent killed anyone since i made that promise to you a couple months ago B)
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hello everyone look at deadpool I'm so proud of him he hasn't killed anyone in so long!!!
irondad @TStark
wade!!! good job!!!
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
thanks dad :)
irondad @TStark
that's only slightly weird when you say that, but I am proud of you man. we're pan pals!
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
pan pals B)
Chapter 24: god is dead
Summary:
people really need to stop defiling historical icons
Chapter Text
falcon @samwilson
captain america just made a foot fetish joke and I think my life flashed before my eyes.
apple soda @bookboyy
what the fuck did he say
falcon @samwilson
“they call me the vacuum because of my toe sucking skills"
eli @lapis
AKSJOQPSJDHF HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS JOKING
falcon @samwilson
BECAUSE HE SAID IT LIKE HE WAS A SHERIFF FROM THE OLD WEST
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You're toes. Hand them over.
ice @icebaby
WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT YOU ABOUT FOOT FETISHES
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
That's not information I'm willing to divulge.
irondad @TStark
@potatogun we need to talk about you defiling historical icons
harley @potatogun
why the hell do you think it was me tony
irondad @TStark
was it?
harley @potatogun
god I wish I could say it was, but no it wasn't
irondad @TStark
steve who the fuck was it
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
No, I promised I wouldn't.
irondad @TStark
i’ll give $500 to whoever comes forward as the perpetrator
riri @ironheart
hand over the cash dad
irondad @TStark
RIRI WHAT THE HELL
riri @ironheart
you really think I wouldn't do that. come on doctor stark.
irondad @TStark
I don't know how to feel right now
riri @ironheart
well at least I'm going to mit
harley @potatogun
shut your fuck
james @jbbarnes
the tea is hot today
Chapter 25: shuri is a science child
Summary:
and tony stark is a broken white boy
Chapter Text
roses @andthornes
@TStark how many science children do you have?
irondad @TStark
4 or 5 I think
roses @andthornes
you don't even know how many kids you have???
irondad @TStark
well one of my kids claims not to be one of my kids but she totally is. if you asked her the answer would be 4
irondad @TStark
but if you asked anyone else, including her own mother, the answer would be 5
ella @squeakyshoes
you're friends with her mother?
irondad @TStark
I fly over to drink tea and gossip with her mother every other weekend
peter @peteparker
you both belong to each other's collections, it's like recycling
irondad @TStark
I abhor that statement
harley @potatogun
you at anything she does: superb you funky little lesbian genius
irondad @TStark
SHE'S SO SMART!!! I LOVE HER!!!
riri @ironheart
she's in the official group chat, she counts
irondad @TStark
you have a group chat?
riri @ironheart
duh how do you think we correlate who bothers you when
irondad @TStark
you punks
irondad @TStark
@shuri it's final you're one of my kids
shuri @shuri
then you have to admit that you're one of my broken white boys
irondad @TStark
but i'm not broken???
shuri @shuri
oh sweetie…
irondad @TStark
I just got a fuck ton of texts calling me out for saying that I'm not broken and idk how to feel about that
james @jbbarnes
we're all broken at this point
Chapter Text
clint @hawkeye
daily reminder: fuck ableism.
luella @bateswashington
YES!!! FUCK IT!!!
clint @hawkeye
i just looked at my wiki page and not once did it mention that i’m deaf
eugene @ayybaby
you’re deaf?
clint @hawkeye
SEE IT’S NOT EVEN PUBLIC INFORMATION
clint @hawkeye
I AM A DEAF SUPERHERO I COMMUNICATE USING ASL I TOOK SPEECH THERAPY AND CAN LIP READ BUT I AM STILL DEAF
clint @hawkeye
bucky is an amputee, tony has near crippling chronic pain, bruce has an autoimmune disease, rhodes is paralyzed and spends most of his time in a wheelchair, steve had a grocery list of chronic illnesses before the serum
clint @hawkeye
i know a blind superhero, and literally every single one of us goes to therapy so let’s not even get into our collective mental issues
clint @hawkeye
you can be whatever you want to be, never ever let able-bodied or neurotypical people tell you otherwise
Chapter 27: wanda sweetie...
Summary:
explaining wanda's habit of losing things
Chapter Text
raiin @romantiic
@scarletwitch do you really have trackers on all of the things you own?
wanda @scarletwitch
wow this is actually kinda embarrassing but i really do have trackers on everything. tony even made me an app so i can find any item i’m looking for
raiin @romantiic
what the hell did you do to warrant that???
wanda @scarletwitch
okay this is actually a long story so stay with me here
wanda @scarletwitch
so when i was first made an avenger there was a shit load of paperwork that i had to fill out. tony’s made it as efficient as possible but it’s still a lot of stuff
wanda @scarletwitch
see what i didn’t know what that i was, for some reason, responsible for keeping all of that paperwork together
wanda @scarletwitch
so i lost literally all of it
raiin @romantiic
LMAO ALL OF IT
wanda @scarletwitch
oh it doesn’t end there
wanda @scarletwitch
so we did all the paperwork again and now i knew that i was responsible for keeping track of it so we thought we were in the clear
wanda @scarletwitch
then i lost my birth certificate and half of the other paperwork that i was given
Plant King @PlantKing
jesus christ your own fucking birth certificate
wanda @scarletwitch
so at this point it had been more than a month since we began, when it would usually only take a normal member a couple weeks to join
wanda @scarletwitch
so they just gave me some of the essentials and said that they would handle the rest. guess what
keith @heypup
you lost all of that paperwork too?
wanda @scarletwitch
i lost all of that paperwork too
wanda @scarletwitch
so now i have trackers on everything
Chapter 28: science children/bot children
Summary:
who the fuck are the science children???
Chapter Text
eli @lapis
@lazuli and i have been arguing over who is apart of tony stark’s science children for the last 20 minutes
adam @lazuli
eli keeps saying that @actuallyspiderman isn’t a science child and that the 5th is actually either vision or one of his ai’s
eli @lapis
someone help clear this up because at this point we’re all very confused
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i can help!!!
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay so mr. stark actually has two sets of children, his science children and his bot children
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
his science children include me, @potatogun @ironheart @peteparker and @shuri
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
and his bot children include @thevision @FRIDAY @KAREN dum-e, u, butterfingers, and a couple others that are sadly no longer with us
riri @ironheart
and wendy!! our toaster!!!
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
yes!!! wendy!!! we love her!!!
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
In this household we love and respect Wendy the Toaster.
keith @heypup
i already love wendy, but what’s so special about her?
harley @potatogun
wendy is a toaster that holds grudges
luna @starpower
holds grudges???
clint @hawkeye
wendy hates me because i once tried to cook burgers in her. i’m not allowed near her because she either burns my toast every time or shocks me :(
peter @peteparker
to be fair that burger thing was hella nasty
Chapter 29: steve is Furious
Summary:
let's get political, bitches
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
once steve calms down a bit and stops destroying all of our punching bags, it’s over for you bitches
starrs @andmooons
oh shit why?
irondad @TStark
he is Angry and about to Rant and then he will Calm Down and i will Cuddle Him
james @jbbarnes
i will also be on cuddle duty because he is Furious
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Today I was told, not asked, told that I hate immigrants.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I was told that because I am Captain America, I must hate anything that is un-American. That I hate those “dirty foreigners making us look bad”.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Now if that person had taken ONE GODDAMN SECOND to learn ANYTHING about me, he would know how wrong that statement is.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Patriotism gone too far is Fanaticism. No matter who you are or where you’re from.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Foreigners are NOT your enemy. I AM THE SON OF FIRST-GENERATION IMMIGRANTS!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
When I was a kid it was my parents people, the Irish, who were looked down on. Called filthy foreigners. Discriminated against.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Is this the xenophobic America we want?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
All religions, all nationalities, we all want the same thing. To see our children grow strong. To provide safety for our families. To live in quiet times.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Peace. That is why I became a soldier. To fight for a peaceful world.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Now if I see one more person claim that I hate immigrants, a twitter rant isn’t the only thing you’re going to get.
Notes:
most of the stuff in this chapter, as in steve's dialogue, is pulled directly from the comic "loose nuke"
Chapter 30: tony stark is soft
Summary:
soft man, many emotions
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
every day i am reminded of how gay i am
irondad @TStark
because like??? james barnes??? and fucking steve rogers???
irondad @TStark
i just want to hold them? and love them?
irondad @TStark
they deserve the world and i would do anything to give it to them because holy shit they’re both just so good
irondad @TStark
and they chose me??? their relationship is so legendary that they write about it in history books and they chose me of all people to share it with???
irondad @TStark
they remind me every day that i’m not what my brain tells me i am and that i’m loved and holy shit i couldn’t have dreamed of two better partners
peter @peteparker
@jbbarnes @Cap.America please come get ur mans he hasn’t slept in 3 days and he’s currently sobbing on all of my circuitry
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
We’ll be back in less than an hour, Fury is keeping us for debrief.
james @jbbarnes
like hell he is
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
@NicholasFury if you don’t let them leave right now i’ll tell everyone where you were last weekend
Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
You wouldn’t.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
do you really want to take that chance?
Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
Damn it. @jbbarnes @Cap.America You’re free to leave, we’ll debrief at another time.
peter @peteparker
hurry, i’ve had to lock him out of his lab so he can’t get to the suits.
Chapter 31: baby boy. baby.
Summary:
someone holds an art show themed around spider-man
Chapter Text
apple soda @bookboyy
@actuallyspiderman i know you probably won’t see this, but i’m doing an art show this weekend and all of the pieces are centered around ppl you’ve saved and things you’ve done so so i was wondering if you’d like to come?
apple soda @bookboyy
obviously you don’t have to, it’s just a little art show, but i still wanted to invite you just in case
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
you’re doing an art show? based on me???
apple soda @bookboyy
i realize now that it’s probably hella creepy so you don’t have to bother, just forget about it
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO!!! it’s not creepy it’s super cool!!! like of all things you could have done you chose me!!!
apple soda @bookboyy
you really think so? so do you think you could swing by, even for just a minute?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i think i would rather die than miss that exhibit, dm me the details and you will see me there
apple soda @bookboyy
!!! ofc !!!
-
apple soda @bookboyy
fuck the memes, this is the best timeline
apple soda @bookboyy
spider-man came to my exhibit, he brought me flowers and complimented all of my pieces and stayed there for hours just looking at them
luna @starpower
spider-man is just such a Good Boy honestly
apple soda @bookboyy
OKAY NOW I’M SOBBING SOMEONE JUST OFFERED TO BUY MOST OF MY PIECES FOR AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY
selena @greenriver
OH MY GOD WHO???
apple soda @bookboyy
I DON’T KNOW IT’S ANONYMOUS IT’S JUST SIGNED A SPIDER-MAN FAN
lee @thunderrr
HOW MUCH IS AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY
apple soda @bookboyy
LIKE I’M GONNA BE ABLE TO PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOANS AFTER THIS WHAT THE FUCK GOD HASN’T ABANDONED US
Chapter 32: magic is a swear word
Summary:
gay twink-ish magician
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
magic is a swear word and anyone who’s name is stephen is a punk ass bitch, no exceptions
irondad @TStark
fuck wait no one exception, stephen colbert is not a punk ass bitch
peter @peteparker
in this house we love and appreciate stephen colbert, and no other stephen’s
stephen @strangemd
Just because I won’t make you infinite amounts of coffee doesn’t mean that I’m a punk ass bitch, Tony.
irondad @TStark
funk you stephen, you hetero, you don’t understand
stephen @strangemd
What the fuck did you just call me? You dare assume I’m a heterosexual?
james @jbbarnes
yes, i’ll take twink-ish gay magician for 500
stephen @strangemd
I am the Sorcerer Supreme, not a magician. I suggest you quit while you’re ahead unless you want every pair of shoes you own to suddenly become slightly too small.
irondad @TStark
o shit babe that’s a real threat, too small shoes are hell in our line of work
jim @jimrhodes
okay but real shit, is anyone cis/het that’s a superhero or are we all just a bunch of gays that somehow flocked together to make the most dangerous group in the world???
rainbow @covvert
conspiracy theory, all superpowered straights are villains and all superpowered gays are heros
rainbow @covvert
holy shit i just posted that and it’s already my most popular tweet of all time
Chapter 33: horny on main
Summary:
robert???
Chapter Text
arlo @zooombitch
what’s up bitches it’s time for being horny on main
arlo @zooombitch
I Want To Raw Tony Stark’s Ass
arlo @zooombitch
if given the choice of paying off my student loans or having sex with tony stark, you better believe i’m already getting lube
teddie @teddiebear
ive never seen his ass irl, but i think i would just die the second i did bc i already feel like im having a heart attack when i see pics
egg @deviled
we being horny right now? bc let me tell you,,, bruce fucking banner
egg @deviled
ohhh myyy godddd bruce banner
egg @deviled
i have had the biggest fucking crush on robert bruce banner for yearrrrs
lola @lighthuman
i’m sorry what the fuck was that
lola @lighthuman
his name is robert???????????
luna @starpower
what the fuck bruce banner’s name is robert???
peter @peteparker
WHAT THE FUCK @BruceBanner YOUR NAME IS ROBERT
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yes? Did you not know that?
peter @peteparker
no???
Thor @godofthunder
babe your name is robert?
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Yes??? I thought this was common knowledge?
sammy @desertman
for your own sanity i suggest you don’t look through the rest of that thread
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
You know what, I’m just going to trust you on that.
lock @andkeyyy
wait how did @peteparker find this
peter @peteparker
GOTTA BLAST
selena @greenriver
THIS BOY IS THIRSTY FOR SOMEONE WHO IS IT
Chapter 34: hulk is my big buff bf
Summary:
thor gets drunk
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Quick everyone, block Thor before it’s too late!
L @snakeperson
please don’t look at their account for the next few hours, it’s gonna be messy
kelly @skeling
has thor been cancelled??? what the hell is going on???
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
No, they haven’t been cancelled, he’s just drunk.
carrots @carrots
why is that a problem?
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Well they don’t drink often because of reasons, but when they do they get very… I don’t know how to say it.
L @snakeperson
thor becomes an even bigger schmuck than they usually are. bruce, being his boyfriend, gets the brute of their affection
L @snakeperson
but they tends to go on twitter rants about him
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
WHICH ONE OF YOU PUNKS GOT THEM STARTED
-
eugene @ayybaby
@godofthunder i actually don’t know a lot about your boyfriend, can you tell me more about him?
Thor @godofthunder
myy baby boy my beloved and dearest man
Thor @godofthunder
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
Thor @godofthunder
hes just so smart and nice and soft and he gets along wittth my family and gives me lots of hugs all the tiem
luna @starpower
tell us more about his hugs!
Thor @godofthunder
his hugs,,,, are so good
Thor @godofthunder
his head fits perfectly under my chin and it's just so beautiful
Thor @godofthunder
AND HULK
Thor @godofthunder
MY BIG BUFF BF
Thor @godofthunder
hulk is just so lovely and misunderstood and he has so much love to give but ppeoplle are just scared of him bc they don't know him :,(
sam wilson @falcon
@BruceBanner please come get your s/o, they're crying in the middle of the kitchen and eating all of the pop tarts
Notes:
holy shit we're at 10k words???
Chapter 35: ancestry .com
Summary:
fuck howard stark
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
hello I recommend taking that dna ancestry things bc who knows, maybe you were lied to your entire life about your heritage
irondad @TStark
maybe you grew up thinking you were one thing but that actually ended up not at all being true
irondad @TStark
who fucking knows? like really?
sara @solicitedmuse
are you okay?
irondad @TStark
who the hell knows at this point
irondad @TStark
i've never actually said this, it's only ever been implied, but howard stark was a shitty and abusive father
irondad @TStark
i don't fucking care if i ruin his reputation, the piece of shit is dead anyways
irondad @TStark
i have spent my entire life thinking that i was at least 80% italian. the other 20% never mattered, I was only even told italian.
irondad @TStark
i am 46 years old and I just found out that none of that is true, i'm only 30% italian.
irondad @TStark
the rest of the percentages? apparently i'm 20% spanish AND FUCKING 50% JAPANESE
irondad @TStark
MY MOTHER WAS 100% JAPANESE AND I NEVER KNEW UNTIL TODAY
lola @lighthuman
oh my god
irondad @TStark
howard stark was a piece of shit and killing him was the only good thing hydra ever did.
james @jbbarnes
@Cap.America you already have the blankets and pillows ready?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Yup, you just need to bring our genius. This is going to be one big cuddle session.
Chapter 36: finsta
Summary:
peter parker has a finsta
Chapter Text
michelle @ladybossjr
i feel so bad that the entire world can't follow @peteparker on his finsta
michelle @ladybossjr
he posts some Gold
arlo @zooombitch
what's his @ ???
michelle @ladybossjr
nah man i can't just hand that shit out, i had to sign an nda to even follow it
arlo @zooombitch
what does he post???
michelle @ladybossjr
i obviously can't say specifics, but think avengers reality tv show
michelle @ladybossjr
that's his finsta
peter @peteparker
pepper says you can say generals about the most recent video of you want
irondad @TStark
NO DON'T
michelle @ladybossjr
oh hell yeah
michelle @ladybossjr
okay so tony stark is just sobbing
rainbow @covvert
strong start
michelle @ladybossjr
he and thor are sitting in the middle of the common room floor just crying their eyes out
michelle @ladybossjr
and peter behind the camera asks them what's wrong trying to hide his giggles
michelle @ladybossjr
that just makes them cry harder
luna @starpower
this just sounds sad so far
michelle @ladybossjr
just wait, stark takes a deep breath and yells
michelle @ladybossjr
SP-SP-SPIDER HAVE ASTHMA-A-A
michelle @ladybossjr
and peter just starts losing it while thor and stark hold each other and cry
arlo @zooombitch
AJDJEIKOWUFB
arlo @zooombitch
WAIT DOES SPIDER-MAN HAVE ASTHMA
michelle @ladybossjr
surprisingly no, he actually had asthma when he was younger though
michelle @ladybossjr
that didn't stop stark from running multiple tests to check just in case though
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
he was worried!!! it was sweet!!!
michelle @ladybossjr
he's a helicopter parent
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay valid but get this: i love him
Chapter 37: clint you mega dumbass
Summary:
he's a bit of an idiot sometime
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
eddie @edwardweest
okay but imagine if hawkeye were aromantic
eddie @edwardweest
no wait what if he were asexual and aromantic
eddie @edwardweest
he'd be acearo like ace arrow
nikky @nikky06
you are a comedy genius
eddie @edwardweest
shut up i'm hilarious
clint @hawkeye
HOLY SHIT @blackwidow I’M ARO I NEVER REALIZED
natasha @blackwidow
clint i love you but you are one of the dumbest people i know
clint @hawkeye
i'm arrow natasha i'm arrow
nikky @nikky06
wait holy shit are you really
clint @hawkeye
yeah I actually am BUT I'M ARROW
eddie @edwardweest
HELL YEAH @nikky06 YOU OWE ME $15
clint @hawkeye
did you bet on this???
eddie @edwardweest
I mean yeah we have like 12 running bets going on you guys and your sexualities and stuff
nikky @nikky06
i got $50 last week when scarlet witch mentioned she was a lesbian
eddie @edwardweest
I was so sure she was bi/pan
clint @hawkeye
lmao she is the second biggest lesbian I know
luna @starpower
who's the first???
clint @hawkeye
virginia “pepper” potts is the ultimate lesbian
luna @starpower
The Ultimate Lesbian
clint @hawkeye
the queen is dating a bi woman AND a pan woman
kali @killakween
excuse me??? she's dating 2 people???
natasha @blackwidow
clint you mega dumbass
clint @hawkeye
Oh Shit
irondad @TStark
rip clinton francis Barton for outing multiple people as poly your dumbass won't be missed
Notes:
*eyes emoji* who could it be
Chapter 38: advice
Summary:
sometimes people just need some advice
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
sidrah @siddie
hey @blackwidow I'm having a pretty rough day so I was wondering if you could say something nice or inspirational
natasha @blackwidow
your rough days don't define you, you define them. stab anyone who says otherwise.
-
peach @peqch
@TStark I'm trans and I just got kicked out of my house so I'm in dire need of cheering up, help?
irondad @TStark
when @Cap.America first got out of the ice he trolled all of the shield employees into thinking that he was super dumb and didn't understand any of the tech or slang
irondad @TStark
he once asked one of them what daddy meant and called google ‘the google’ for weeks
irondad @TStark
and then @jbbarnes did the exact same thing when he came around
irondad @TStark
also, dm me, i can set you up with a living situation
-
coalition @calciferrr
@actuallyspiderman how do you deal with negative press? i have one former friend spreading rumors about me and i can hardly deal with it
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
if the people you love aren’t affected by the rumors then why should you be? nobody will ever be liked by everyone, and the only opinion that should matter is those closest to you
-
luna @starpower
@hawkeye what the hell do i do when people tell me i don’t “look deaf”???
clint @hawkeye
tell them to fuck off and when they respond tell them that you can’t hear them
-
kali @killakween
@scarletwitch do you ever miss your home country? what do you do when you get homesick? (greetings from romania!!!)
wanda @scarletwitch
yes, all the time. when i’m feeling particularly bad i will cook food and watch movies that remind me of sokovia. i have even taught other avengers how to cook sokovian meals, and they cook those things when i feel bad
-
winnie @windexx
@jbbarnes how do you cope with nightmares?
james @jbbarnes
i learned how to address what had happened to me, i see a therapist weekly, i built a support system of people who cared about me, i developed healthy coping mechanisms and stomped out unhealthy ones, i didn’t live in denial
Notes:
sorry that i haven't been posting much, i don't really have any stuff pre-written for when i don't have inspiration currently... anyways! tell me what ships you want! what you want to see!!!
Chapter 39: T'Challa's Revenge
Summary:
it really do be like that, huh
Chapter Text
T’Challa @TChalla
Finally… after all this time… now I’m the one who gets to tease my sister about having a crush.
shuri @shuri
shut your fuck
T’Challa @TChalla
Never, this is what you get for all those times you tweeted about me and M’Baku, and that time you got the Dora Milaje to bring M’Baku into my room without warning me.
shuri @shuri
okay but that was funny as hell and the smirk on his face when he left your room was so worth it
T’Challa @TChalla
What smirk???
shuri @shuri
oops nothing
T’Challa @TChalla
Shuri, would you say that you have a… magical connection?
shuri @shuri
perish it’s not even magic
T’Challa @TChalla
That’s debatable.
shuri @shuri
i hope you like dying
T’Challa @TChalla
Shuri, 5 minutes ago: “I really am the european woman's whore, aren’t I?”
shuri @shuri
STOP
peter @peteparker
the damage is done, you are no longer safe
T’Challa @TChalla
At least I’m only teasing you about one of your crushes.
apple soda @bookboyy
real shit?
shuri @shuri
i hope you die, brother
T’Challa @TChalla
Love you too.
Chapter 40: dumb gay bitch
Summary:
tony and rhodey love each other and tony is a dumb gay bitch
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
my qpp’s deserve the world and i love all of them so much, that’s the tea
aaron @pyramidpal
you have qpp’s???
irondad @TStark
yes and i would die for all of them
jim @jamesrhodes
please don’t die
irondad @TStark
i’m at the point in my life where i can say that i would live for them
jim @jamesrhodes
*heart eyes x100*
irondad @TStark
no homo
jim @jamesrhodes
all of the homo
irondad @TStark
:0
jim @jamesrhodes
now you just have to ask your squish if he wants to be qpp's
irondad @TStark
ASIFJQWEVX STOP BRINGING THAT UP
luna @starpower
gay keyboard smash
irondad @TStark
that's valid and let's continue talking about that
jim @jamesrhodes
no you're not getting away from this again I'm bringing it up on Twitter so you have to acknowledge it
irondad @TStark
we're getting a divorce
jim @jamesrhodes
stop bringing up the fact that we're technically married we were drunk
lance @blueboii
YOU'RE MARRIED
egg @deviled
things they did: that
irondad @TStark
I keep telling you honeybear, he wouldn't want to be my qpp it's weird :(
jim @jamesrhodes
you're making it much weirder than it actually is, the two of you already do everything qpp's do
jim @jamesrhodes
I know bc we've been qpp's for Literally Decades
irondad @TStark
bold of you to assume I'm ever going to acknowledge my own emotions
jim @jamesrhodes
you get heart eyes and Soft literally every time he smiles you dumb gay bitch
irondad @TStark
PPFPFPFPTTTT STOP
jim @jamesrhodes
YOU KNOW IM RIGHT
clint @hawkeye
dumb gay bitch is his contact name in my phone
Notes:
btw when I write things like this where I keep it pretty open ended with who the person I'm talking about could be, it's because I want to see who you guys want it to be
Chapter 41: rip natasha
Summary:
it really do be like that
Chapter Text
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha romanoff. you have failed this city.
clint @hawkeye
ohh nooo
falcon @samwilson
shit natasha what did you do
natasha @blackwidow
I didn't think that he would find out
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
He Always Finds Out
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
this proves that you know your wrongdoings. I will not show mercy.
natasha @blackwidow
it was nice knowing you all
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha romanoff is seen as such a badass, little do you all know…
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha wakes up early morning, not so she can work out like she pretends, but so she can watch her girlfriends sleep and then so she can watch tv
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
would you like to know what she watches? natasha is actually a huge fan cheesy si-fi shows, the worse it is the more she enjoys it
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha often squeals when she sees kittens and other small animals, insisting on petting them no matter the circumstances
natasha @blackwidow
my reputation…
Plant King @PlantKing
say, spidey, what does natasha get like when she's tired?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what a great question, natasha actually loses all of her impeccable balance when she gets tired, tripping over thin air oftentimes
natasha @blackwidow
please… is it over?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
natasha dyes her hair, her natural hair is actually dirty blonde
natasha @blackwidow
take me away boys
lola @lighthuman
spider-man could tell me he knows the nuclear codes and I wouldn't be surprised
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
well...
Chapter 42: fucking hell thor
Summary:
it be like that when you're immortal
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
fuck terfs @chipssahoy
@snakeperson how accepted is gender fluidity on asgard?
L @snakeperson
well while some people like odin are more old fashioned and still assign a binary to it, it's actually pretty common
L @snakeperson
odin will refer to me as his son and also daughter, which can get annoying
L @snakeperson
he also refers to thor only as his son, which is shitty
thor @godofthunder
unlike midgard where cishet is most common, asgard is not primarily one gender or sexuality
rice @seaguuul
I Wanna Live On Asgard
thor @godofthunder
but then we're gonna get emotionally attached to you and you'll die before any of us and it'll be sad :(
sidrah @siddie
fucking hell thor
addi @purplemount
people say it don't be like it is but it do
Notes:
this chapter is dedicated to that one person who said I hate cishet people (also sorry it's so short)
Chapter Text
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Girls.
natasha @blackwidow
big fucking rt babe
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
She.
natasha @blackwidow
I know, I was there
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Wow I'm so gay.
natasha @blackwidow
and we're dating her???
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Right??? How did we land Her? She?
natasha @blackwidow
she could beat me up so easily
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
And you would thank her.
natasha @blackwidow
and I would thank her
arlo @zooombitch
I need to know who you're talking about bc this is so fucking relatable already
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
She.
natasha @blackwidow
I want her to step on me
irondad @TStark
wanna tell you guys that this is the least dramatic they've been about their gf in ages
natasha @blackwidow
I'm love her
Notes:
who is it??? *eyes emoji*
Chapter 44: soft as shit
Summary:
these boys are soft for their metal-armed bfs
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
rose @andthorns
@TStark do you and deadpool get along? i've seen a bunch of people say you probably hate him
rose @andthorns
and like he saved my life once so i stan him
irondad @TStark
why do people think I hate him???
rose @andthorns
something about him being a bad influence on spider-man or something
irondad @TStark
spider-man, who's grown up enough to choose to fight crime, and deadpool is gonna be a bad influence?
rose @andthorns
so you don't hate him?
irondad @TStark
no. we’re actually surprisingly alike. we have the pan pals club, and the “my boyfriend is a hunk with a metal arm” club. one of them is pretty exclusive, only 4 people.
apple soda @bookboyy
well according to some people pansexuality doesn’t exist, so it’s gotta be the pan pals.
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
damn you’ve cracked the code, tony run >:(
irondad @TStark
i will, my hot boyfriend who happens to have a metal arm will catch me
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
they always do :)
irondad @TStark
:)
luna @starpower
these boys soft as shit and we love it
Notes:
would you guys want stuckony to be an open poly relationship? bc I was thinking of adding sam x bucky and an obscure tony ship that I like, but I need opinions
Chapter 45: dumbasses only
Summary:
tony gets exposed
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
I am attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively
irondad @TStark
I just told my boyfriends that I have a crush and it literally took them 36 seconds to realize that I wasn't talking about soda
winnie @windexx
tony: I have the highest standards
literally anyone: what kind of animal was the pink panther?
tony, ripping his clothes off: you absolute dumbass
irondad @TStark
ASDFHKIWVX STOP CALLING ME OUT
egg @deviled
can you have a crush when you're in a relationship???
irondad @TStark
well, yeah. we have like the least traditional relationship ever, so we sometimes date other people as well
irondad @TStark
like james has a boyfriend and I've got this stupid crush on this stupid dumbass who asked me what the spanish word for tortilla was
irondad @TStark
now I dream of us making love in the moonlight
james @jbbarnes
every so often tony will come up to us and tell us another stupid thing he said or did and he has this furious blush every time
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Once he had to explain that ketchup wasn't a smoothie, but he got so flustered that he had to leave the room.
irondad @TStark
SHUT THE FUCK UP
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
When I asked if Froot Loops were just round, fruit flavored Cheetos he slammed me against a wall and made out with me for 5 minutes.
irondad @TStark
STOP EXPOSING ME
scott @scottlang
wait would air conditioning be domesticated wind
irondad @TStark
AAAAAAAAAA
Notes:
oops sorry I haven't updated in so long
Chapter 46: hella
Summary:
space is hella gay, but we been knew
Chapter Text
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Space is… wild.
lance @blueboii
have you,,, been?
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Oh, haha yeah.
luna @starpower
What The Fuck
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
My s/o is an alien and you think I haven't been to space before? Wild.
ryan @spooker
did you meet peter quill? was he abducted by aliens?
shane @bombshell
lmao dumbass he wasn't abducted
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
You're never gonna fucking believe me.
shane @bombshell
no fucking way…
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I have met Peter Quill and he was abducted by aliens after his mom died, we met in space where he's kinda a big deal.
ryan @spooker
HAHA BITCH I WAS RIGHT
shane @bombshell
WELL I WAS RIGHT ABOUT BIGFOOT SO SUCK MY DICK
irondad @TStark
quill should actually be visiting earth soon, I'm sure someone is gonna make sure he makes a twitter
aaron @pyramidpal
aliens on twitter? it's more likely than you'd think.
winnie @windexx
@BruceBanner how gay is space?
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Oh my god, hella. Space is hella gay.
lance @blueboii
tbh we been knew
Chapter 47: heavy talk
Summary:
sam talks about suicide and this is about how heavy I'm gonna go w this fic
Notes:
talk of suicide!!! don't read if this might trigger you!!!
Chapter Text
falcon @samwilson
what's up ppl, time to talk about why jokes about suicide are absolutely unacceptable!!!
falcon @samwilson
suicide is not something to normalize!!! nor is it something to glorify and romanticize!!!
falcon @samwilson
saying that you're going to kill yourself at every little inconvenience will desensitize us to when people are actually making gets for help
falcon @samwilson
I get that it's this generations “humor” but it's not okay to do shit like that
selena @greenriver
why have i never thought about it like this
falcon @samwilson
we need to more aware of the warning signs of those who are suicidal
falcon @samwilson
bc not too long ago someone close to me was showing all the signs, but bc I was the only one educated on them, it was almost too late
falcon @samwilson
and you never know who's gonna hear your “jokes” it might be someone who's struggling, someone who’s attempted, someone who's lost someone
falcon @samwilson
or even just someone who also thinks those jokes are okay
falcon @samwilson
DON'T JOKE ABOUT SUICIDE
Chapter 48: that mad lad
Summary:
she actually did it
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
T'Challa @TChalla
@shuri Your move.
shuri @shuri
shut up
T'Challa @TChalla
No, I did my end, now you have to do yours.
shuri @shuri
now that you have a bf, aren't you supposed to be all nice and sappy and Not Bothering Me
T'Challa @TChalla
Oh I'm very happy, but still mad that you made me ask him out in nothing more than hot pink shorts.
shuri @shuri
lmao you didn't even ask him out, he asked you before you could get to it
T'Challa @TChalla
I'm going to tell both of them if you don't do it within the next 23 hours.
shuri @shuri
why 23???
T'Challa @TChalla
Because my end was sealed an hour ago.
shuri @shuri
EVER SCREEN IN MY LAB HAS A TIMER ON IT WHAT THE HELL
T'Challa @TChalla
You really think I'm that bad with tech that I don't know how to do that???
T'Challa @TChalla
For every hour that passes, the Jaws theme music will start playing louder and louder.
shuri @shuri
I fucking hate you
T'Challa @TChalla
;*
-
T'Challa @TChalla
That mad lad, she actually did it.
m’baku @mbaku
you thought she wouldn't?
T'Challa @TChalla
I wasn't sure.
T'Challa @TChalla
WAIT SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU HAD A TWITTER
m'baku @mbaku
since always
T'Challa @TChalla
I hope the elders are prepared for my passing, because I'm about to death it up.
Notes:
please... I am begging you, interact with me on tumblr @pomegranate-boy
Chapter 49: spidey has a bf
Summary:
and also does a q&a
Chapter Text
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I love my boyfriend so fucking much I’m literally Sobbing thinking about him guys
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
HOLY FUNKY BEATS THIS IS THE WRONG ACCOUNT PLS IGNORE MY PREVIOUS TWEET
roza @rozzza
you have a boyfriend please tell us more
holy funky beats @spiderfan
holy funky beats is the funniest thing I've ever heard but also tell us more about your bf
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
hnnng I love He
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
my beautiful soft bf whom I love v much
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
he's so smart too!!! the only reason mr. stark hasn't adopted him is bc he's bitter he hacked my suit
irondad @TStark
he's the only person in existence that's good enough for you
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
ashhssff I'm s o b b i n g and so is he ty mr. stark!!!
selena @greenriver
@actuallyspiderman what's your favourite subject in school
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
oh dang q&A time, I like chemistry and physics! ask me more questions please!!!
bunbun @slightlystalecinnamonbun
how do you stick through the suit? or is it the suit that's sticky?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm the one that's sticky! as for the suit
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
shit I have no clue how I stick through clothes and the suit ohmygod I'm having a crisis
bi icon @bicon2018
how'd you get your powers?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
uhh a radioactive spider bit me, don't worry the spider is dead now though
apple soda @bookboyy
there goes my dreams of being spider-man 2.0
tears @accidentalhorcrux
why did you become spider-man??
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
if you have the powers I do and you don't use them, the bad thing happen because of you
mossy @beartime
do you like ginger-ale?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I Stan Ginger-Ale
Chapter 50: *buzzfeed unsolved music*
Summary:
she's figured it out people.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
winnie @windexx
I have been trying to figure out who the hell is dating who in the avengers and I think I've figured it out
winnie @windexx
okay so we know that steve rogers is dating tony stark and bucky barnes, bucky is also dating sam wilson, and tony has a crush on someone, likely scott lang
winnie @windexx
bruce banner is dating thor, natasha romanoff is dating pepper potts and they have another girlfriend who has the ability to beat them up
winnie @windexx
king t’challa is dating m'baku, and princess shuri is dating at least one person, likely two, and one of them is european
winnie @windexx
so the unknowns are who's dating shuri, and who's dating pepper and natasha
winnie @windexx
but I would bet my whole ass Life that I know who the unknowns are
winnie @windexx
okay so because their gf could beat up even black widow, it has to be someone highly trained, so it couldn't be hope van dyne no matter how much I love her
winnie @windexx
so my but is on general okoye of the dora milaje bc she's such a badass and trained to protect the throne of wakanda
winnie @windexx
so now to shuri, which was the hardest to figure out, though one of her girlfriends was pretty easy to, the other one wasn't
winnie @windexx
so shuri is totally dating scarlet witch, and I know that because t'challa made a joke about magic and the european woman thing
winnie @windexx
as for her other girlfriend, my first thought was riri williams, but apparently she's dating someone she met at school and has been for a while
winnie @windexx
so I went searching though who follows who on twitter and instagram and I think I figured it out
winnie @windexx
there's this girl who seems to be like one of tony's science children but for pepper, who's friends with peter parker named michelle jones
winnie @windexx
and she posted a picture on twitter a little bit after the whole thing with shuri getting gfs of her smiling, which I found to be the only picture of her smiling on the account
winnie @windexx
so that's what I think, but you know I could be wrong
winnie @windexx
why the fuck did I just get a dm from tony stark asking if I want a job
Notes:
if you remember when i used to post every other day, you qualify for the senior citizens discount
Chapter 51: gotg
Summary:
here they come!!! here they are!!!
Chapter Text
quill @starlord
I don't understand twitter send tweet
irondad @TStark
quill you plum I spent an hour explaining this to you
drax @unseengreen
I do not understand, how can Quill be a fruit?
gamora @meangreen
I'm pretty sure Stark is saying he's an idiot
GROOT @GROOT
I am Groot
peter @peteparker
lmao you right groot
Rocket @trashpanda
you can understand him?
peter @peteparker
yeah? shouldn't I?
Rocket @trashpanda
humans are so fucking weird
mantis @sweetiebug
this application is very interesting!!! but I do not understand why there are so many drawings of naked people?
quill @starlord
how the hell did you find the porn already???
shane @bombshell
@starlord are you peter quill?
quill @starlord
yeah! how'd you know?
ryan @spooker
oh my god this is the best day of my life
peter @peteparker
you're actually a pretty famous missing persons case, tons of people know about you
quill @starlord
you hear that guys, I'm famous on earth too B-)
gamora @meangreen
I am literally begging you to stop
nebula @meanblue
what the hell is a blue man group.
irondad @TStark
nebula!!! I love you!!!
nebula @meanblue
I find myself caring for you too, stark.
quill @starlord
that is the most sentiment I've ever heard her share, when did you get so close???
irondad @TStark
we uh, bonded after the thing
quill @starlord
ohh
Rocket @trashpanda
WHAT THE FUCK IS A RACCOON
quill @starlord
THE THING IVE BEEN SAYING YOU LOOK LIKE THIS WHOLE TIME
Rocket @trashpanda
WHAT THE FUCK
Plant King @PlantKing
“THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU’D SAY YOU DUMB FUCKING HUMAN”
drax @unseengreen
HAHAHA QUILL IS A DUMB HUMAN
lance @blueboii
I hope someone brought seasoning, because we're have a Roast
GROOT @GROOT
I Am Groot
rose @andthorns
fhskalahd that's so mean groot
Rocket @trashpanda
you can understand groot???
rose @andthorns
yeah?
Rocket @trashpanda
quill I thought you said humans didn't speak groot
quill @starlord
I didn't think we could?
peter @peteparker
gen z superpower, speaking an alien language
irondad @TStark
before any of you go and stan peter quill, know that he pulled out a damn ZUNE and called it earth's latest tech
quill @starlord
DAVID BOWIE IS DEAD???
gamora @meangreen
this was a mistake
Chapter 52: take that L
Summary:
*fortnite dances gently* what's wrong son?
Chapter Text
harley @potatogun
I never thought I'd say this, but fortnite dancing needs to stop
arlo @zooombitch
why???
harley @potatogun
because when Black Widow Herself comes into your room to tell you that dinner is ready and she's fortnite dancing, it's gone too far
natasha @blackwidow
*default dancing gently* what's wrong son?
harley @potatogun
alsjfhdsdhska
peter @peteparker
I'm sobbing this is so funny
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
clint keeps doing the L dance every time we beat someone and I think mr. stark actually cried last time
irondad @TStark
I did.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
This is what we get for putting together a team of millenials who interact with gen z-ers too often
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
And Bucky
james @jbbarnes
hey!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Buck, you're more than 100 years old.
james @jbbarnes
still
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
if I have to see deadpool default dance one more time I think I might just kill him myself
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
>:0
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
sorry, unalive
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
>>:000
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
lmao I once went to a reality where I had three mouths
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
I've also been to one where the accords broke apart the avengers and stevie left tones to die in siberia after lying to him for 2 years about his parents death
irondad @TStark
what the hell wade
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Chapter 53: I Know Who You Are
Summary:
spidey needs to stop changing in alleyways
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
egg @deviled
@actuallyspiderman you dumb gay bitch get over here
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
wtf???
egg @deviled
thank god this is actually hella important
egg @deviled
you need to stop changing in alleyways bc I literally Know Who You Are
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
SHIT FHSJSKAOAOA
irondad @TStark
YOU IDIOT I THOUGHT YOU COULD TELL WHEN PPL WERE WATCHING YOU
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I CAN I MUST HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED
egg @deviled
I have a bone to pick with you, Stark
irondad @TStark
I Can't Stop Him
irondad @TStark
I once took away his suit and he ended up crushing a plane and almost dying, at least I can keep him safe this way
egg @deviled
hmmm okay then. you're off the hook. for now.
egg @deviled
dhslaldhf I keep looking back at old Twitter convos and they're now 10x more funny
Notes:
super sorry I haven't posted in so long, and finals are next week so after that i should be more consistent
Chapter 54: deviled eggs
Summary:
very short chapter, clearing something up from the last chapter
Chapter Text
egg @deviled
people keep asking if I'm daredevil and that's honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
egg @deviled
unless daredevil goes on rants about how hot bruce banner is, I'm not him
daredevil @daredevilHK
I don't even like deviled eggs.
egg @deviled
see, somebody gets my username
egg @deviled
WAIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY DAREDEVIL
Chapter 55: BONE
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
guys please I'm crying, my dumbass crush is so stupid
selena @greenriver
what did he do?
irondad @TStark
when thor called me anthony, he said that he didn't realize that my name was anthony and not just tony
irondad @TStark
and when my intern and I were complaining about t-shots, he said that he thought we were talking about taking shots of tea for a good 10 minutes
winnie @windexx
ohmygod he's so dumb ajdhdjka
irondad @TStark
I knowww
irondad @TStark
AND GET THIS
irondad @TStark
HE KNOWS I HAVE A CRUSH, HE JUST DOESN'T REALIZE IT'S ON HIM
james @jbbarnes
he looks so sad when people talk about it
irondad @TStark
no he doesn't stop getting my hopes up, why would he like me???
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Babe, we've talked about this. You're such a catch.
irondad @TStark
no no, not like that, why would He like me? not why would he like Me?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I hate that I understood that so much.
james @jbbarnes
no you don't
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
No, I don't.
irondad @TStark
okay I think he might actually like me
james @jbbarnes
finally, what happened
irondad @TStark
so he just got back from a mission, so he hasn't slept in a good 2 days, and we ran into each other in the kitchen because I was making him food for when he got back
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Soft.
irondad @TStark
shut up. so he physically runs into me, right? and when he looks up, he says “holy fuck you're so pretty”
selena @greenriver
aww that's so cute
irondad @TStark
and I'm just blushing furiously and he just looks at the food I have for him, starts crying because apparently he's so hungry and I'm the nicest person he's ever met, and then he passes out
harley @potatogun
I'm telling you, you two just need to bone
irondad @TStark
BONE??!??!!?!??!??!?!!!
Notes:
me? double posting? it's a christmas miracle!
Chapter 56: venom
Summary:
they're all monster fuckers
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
peter @peteparker
I'm not a monsterfucker but damn, y’all seen venom?
irondad @TStark
PETER
peter @peteparker
SHUT UP I SENT YOU A PICTURE OF HIS TONGUE AND HEARD YOU MOAN FROM THE OTHER ROOM
irondad @TStark
I need a new son.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Even I have to admit, Venom is attractive in a strange way. And not just as a scientist who wants to study him.
rose @andthorns
I can't believe the avengers are monster fuckers
natasha @blackwidow
you really gonna kink shame us when you have an anime icon?
rose @andthorns
you just murdered me, I'm dead now. I legally owe you money.
venom @wervenom
I'm sorry I just made this account because I need to respond to this, what the fuck
peter @peteparker
are you venom??? venom doesn't really talk like that
venom @wervenom
kinda, I'm his host, we're a package deal. he's a bit of a parasifufbfjsj
luna @starpower
venom killed him before he could finish the tweet
venom @wervenom
no, he just doesn't like being called a parasite, but I keep telling him it's a term of endearment
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Are you just a person? What is Venom if not his own being?
venom @wervenom
yeah I'm an actual person, please don't ask who I am though, and v is his own being, but he's a symbiote who needs a host to survive on earth
venom @wervenom
that's besides the point, you guys wanna fuck us???
irondad @TStark
now that I know there's two of you it's slightly different. but if you were that eddie brock guy I would 100% be down
venom @wervenom
asdjsakljhga I need to go
Notes:
happy new years!!! my resolution is to fucking post more, which includes works other than this one
Chapter 57: you sweet dummy
Summary:
they finally get their act together
Chapter Text
scott @scottlang
WAIT TONY YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME???
addi @purplemount
neither of them have been active in more than an hour what's happening
scott @scottlang
ok so it appears that tony does have a crush on me
irondad @TStark
he didn't realize he didn't dm me, I couldn't help myself
scott @scottlang
wait so you've liked me the entire time???
irondad @TStark
oh my god Scott, yes! everytime my crush was mentioned, we were talking about you!!!
scott @scottlang
me???? woah that's so weird
irondad @TStark
please I think I might start crying
back and @bodyhurts
if you don't treat him right, we will destroy you. tony stark is Beloved by the queer community
scott @scottlang
I think his cousins would kill be before you got the chance, hope and her gf have subtly been on my ass for months
arlo @zooombitch
cousins??????
irondad @TStark
not biological, but cousins all the same
irondad @TStark
sharon carter and hope van dyne deserve the World. scott you sweet dummy people don't know hope has a gf
scott @scottlang
oh dang, I'm sorry!! :(
irondad @TStark
I am going to have a heart attack. my teeth are rotting, my crops are thriving. you are so sweet.
irondad @TStark
it just dawned on my that scott likes me back oh my god
Chapter 58: silly
Summary:
so silly...
Chapter Text
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
guys guys guys!!!
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what what what???
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ITS ALMOST AUTHORS BIRTHDAY WOOO
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
WOOOOOO who the fuck is author
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
you know, the guy who has all control over what we do and what we tweet
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
he bends and shapes our personalities and character to his will, totally ignoring all comic and movie canon
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
but fear not, he is benevolent and kind, allowing us love and friendship instead of the much darker alternative
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
angst.
rainbow @covvet
nani the fuck
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
haha wade you're so silly!
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
yes, silly.
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
silly
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ŝ̶̫̯̪͎̤̌̎̏͛̋͘̕͝i̶̗͓̮̓̉̿̉͂l̷̡̢̲̰͈̟̯͎̟̍̈͋̾̃͜l̸̩͎̟̹̭͍̖̹̮͇̥͗̈́y̸̥͘
Chapter 59: Good Dad
Summary:
tony's got that Good Dad Energy. GDE.
Chapter Text
lance @blueboii
@shuri pls tell us who you’re dating
shuri @shuri
Why Should I
lance @blueboii
bc i’m gay and can’t do math, so it’s the least you could do
shuri @shuri
wow relatable
irondad @TStark
shuri you are literally the smartest person i know
shuri @shuri
so i’m smarter than you?
irondad @TStark
yeah, this isn’t news??? we been knew???
killer @bigmeem
Damn.
shuri @shuri
tell me why i’m tearing up??? i don’t need your approval but??? It Has Power
peter @peteparker
remind me to tell you about the time mj started crying when tony told her that she would be the next pepper potts
irondad @TStark
she will!!! she’s so cool and smart, just like pepper!!! she’s like a mix of pepper and eddie brock
michelle @ladybossjr
please… don’t do this to me again
irondad @TStark
You Deserve To Be Happy
michelle @ladybossjr
fuck you stark, you’re my new dad
irondad @TStark
okay!!!
shuri @shuri
wait no babe he’s my dad, he can’t be both of our dads that’s incest
wanda @scarletwitch
tbh he’s kinda my dad too
irondad @TStark
wanda...
wanda @scarletwitch
what can i say, you’ve grown on me
wanda @scarletwitch
update: tony gives The Best Hugs and now we’re both crying
irondad @TStark
i’ll be a dad to all of you and it won’t be weird even though you’re all dating
irondad @TStark
OKAY KIDS GROUP TRIP TO WAKANDA FOR SOME GROUP BONDING
lance @blueboii
well that answers my question then
Chapter 60: see ya later, space cowboy
Summary:
may she rest in peace amongst the stars
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
OPPY IS FUCKING DEAD
would you like some @creammmm
NO DONT REMIND ME
spaceace @spaceace
my batteries are low and it's getting dark.
eli @lapis
My Batteries Are Low And It's Getting Dark.
teakwood @TEAkwood
MY BATTERIES ARE LOW AND IT'S GETTING DARK.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
though that's not actually her last words I KNOW
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
THOR BABY YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME TO MARS
Thor @godofthunder
OF COURSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ANYTHING FOR YOU
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
TAKE ME WITH YOU BRING ME TO SPACE
irondad @TStark
Absolutely Not
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what??? why???
irondad @TStark
stress isn't good for the baby
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
what baby?
irondad @TStark
me.
irondad @TStark
kid, do you remember what happened to you last time you were in space?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
oh. OH
irondad @TStark
yeah buddy
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay so I'm not going to space and I'm okay with that
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I will go to Mars and save the Opportunity Rover.
Thor @godofthunder
I will bring you to Mars and help you save the Opportunity Rover.
irondad @TStark
bucky is this close to coming with
irondad @TStark
you can't see but my fingers are touching
james @jbbarnes
it's space!!! I didn't even know we had been to mars until oppy died!!! nobody told me!!!
irondad @TStark
lmao what a nerd
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
yeah haha what a loser
james @jbbarnes
you're a pair of punks, you know that
irondad @TStark
you love us
james @jbbarnes
somehow.
Notes:
I'm sorry I haven't posted!!! I got super inspired with another fic I'm writing and totally forget to post this chapter.
Chapter 61: flint michigan
Summary:
fuck billionaires
Chapter Text
FLINT NEEDS WATER @redredred
uhh so I live in flint and my sink water is clear???
FLINT NEEDS WATER @redredred
holy shit #flintwater is trending, the water is clear again
Flint News @FlintNews
Mysterious guardian angel replaced faulty pipelines in Flint, Michigan. More to follow.
frankie @panfran
who could have done that? who would do that???
adam @lazuli
it obviously wasn't the government, they'd have bragged about caring about “the less fortunate” by now
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
@TStark Tony.
irondad @TStark
Yes, Pepper?
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Is there something you'd like to tell me?
irondad @TStark
I have no clue what you're talking about
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
You know there are proper channels we could have gone through to get this done.
irondad @TStark
yeah but then my name would be on it and I didn't want that
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Oh?
irondad @TStark
pep, I'm a multi billionaire. I have more money than I can comprehend.
irondad @TStark
I need to give back to people or else I'm just as bad as the capitalistic system that I got my money through.
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Okay, I get it.
irondad @TStark
besides, you'd have done the same thing if you met michelle jones.
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
that girl is powerful.
flint has water @redredred
wait did tony stark fix the flint water crisis???
irondad @TStark
what no??? what are you talking about???
irondad @TStark
I mean whoever did must feel really guilty about not doing it earlier and wants to make up for their past mistakes WHICH THERE ARE A LOT OF
irondad @TStark
but no, it couldn't have been me
Flint News @FlintNews
Photographs of the Iron Man armour replacing water pipes in Flint are popping up online. Is billionaire Tony Stark our guardian angel?
irondad @TStark
NO THIS ISNT WHAT I WANTED
flint has water @redredred
fuck billionaires but suddenly tony stark can, like, get it?
Chapter 62: hot in an evil way
Summary:
what if tony stark were a villain???
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
birdy @diamondbird
okay… but what if tony stark was a villain???
chrome @hgmercury
tony stark is a villain.
birdy @diamondbird
BLOCKED! anyways, anyone else with a brain wanna talk about this?
leith @ilovedogss
would he still be a mega genius and all that?
birdy @diamondbird
I mean he's still tony stark, so duh
selena @greenriver
make him greedy and boom, villain
birdy @diamondbird
honestly??? yeah
adam @lazuli
is it bad that I think evil stark would be Hot
eli @lapis
babe, we were all thinking it
mel @coffeekid
but the dude has such a strong moral compass, so would that just go away?
ice @icebaby
villain tony with a strong moral compass though??? woah
shane @bombshell
he'd be like a greedy rich asshole, but he wouldn't dare give an underage kid alcohol
peter @peteparker
I can vouch for that, I was drinking apple juice and he freaked the fuck out bc he thought it was whisky
peter @peteparker
not even kidding, he cried
ryan @spooker
how the FUCK can anyone think he's a villain when he does shit like that???
james @jbbarnes
fuck, evil tony does sound hot hnnng
james @jbbarnes
I… did not mean to actually tweet that
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's too late.
james @jbbarnes
TELL ME IM WRONG
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Hey now, I never said that.
irondad @TStark
does everyone just want me to be evil??? bc I'd be hot in an evil rat way??????
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Yes.
james @jbbarnes
yes
birdy @diamondbird
yeah
peter @peteparker
yup
adam @lazuli
maybe so
Notes:
it's spriing break, I'm seeing captain marvel in less than 24 hours, and if everything goes right I should be posting a new fic this week!
Chapter 63: strongest avengers
Summary:
who's the strongest avenger?
MINOR CAPTAIN MARVEL SPOILERS AHEAD
Chapter Text
cream @katyacream
strongest avenger, go.
mel @coffeekid
thor, no question! literally a god!
luna @starpower
no way, hulk has to be stronger than thor! thor’s hardly even a god anyways, they're just an alien with advanced science, hulk could crush them!
eugene @ayybaby
hulk is too unstable to be the strongest, thor has been learning to control their powers for thousands of years
luna @starpower
hulk. could. crush. their. skull.
selena @greenriver
one word. mjolnir.
sara @solicitedmuse
that's gotta be cheating though, no weapons and hulk would win
glitter @latinaah
thor can literally control thunder and lightning, they're Powerful
arlo @zooombitch
@TStark who's the strongest avenger???
irondad @TStark
carol
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Oh yeah, it's definitely Carol.
Thor @godofthunder
I can't even compete with her
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's Carol.
james @jbbarnes
carol once punched me and I thanked her
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
carol smiled at me and I fainted
natasha @blackwidow
her fists are insured for 3 million
clint @hawkeye
I heard that when some dude told her to smile more, she stole his bike
Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
Carol.
falcon @samwilson
they say that the avengers were named after her
Nicholas Fury @NicholasFury
Oh, they were.
irondad @TStark
it's the least we could do for her.
arlo @zooombitch
this is all well and good, but who the fuck is carol?
gamora @meangreen
wait, we can't be talking about the same carol, the one who could send fleets of ships running with just a look?
quill @starlord
the same carol who the ravagers were told to never cross paths with no matter the circumstances?
Rocket @trashpanda
I've heard of her, she holds the power of stars, a simple sneeze could kill you
irondad @TStark
rocket, you’ve met her?
Rocket @trashpanda
when???
irondad @TStark
captain marvel?
Rocket @trashpanda
HOLY SHIT
Rocket @trashpanda
SHE'S SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN I EVER THOUGHT
luna @starpower
you just said that a simple sneeze could kill you, and now you're saying she's more powerful than that?
Rocket @trashpanda
yes
spaceace @spaceace
I am Frightened
jim @jamesrhodes
oh haha, that's my girlfriend
chrome @hgmercury
a h -
carol @cdanvers
you guys were talking about me?
Chapter 64: new spider in town
Summary:
spider-man 2.0?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
peter @peteparker
I finally understand
peter @peteparker
@TStark I get it now
irondad @TStark
get what, bambi?
ned @GITC
you've broken him, his face is Bright Red
peter @peteparker
MR. DAD DONT CALL ME THAT ONLINE
peter @peteparker
I MEAN MR. S
irondad @TStark
my heart is so full
peter @peteparker
ANWAY
peter @peteparker
I finally understand your tendency to adopt any smart child you come across
irondad @TStark
oh? how's that?
peter @peteparker
okay so I'm a senior in high school, right? and I was studying in the library bc I'm a diligent student
michelle @ladybossjr
debatable
peter @peteparker
I am ranked number TWO in our class shut up just bc you're ranked number one
peter @peteparker
stop interrupting me I'm telling a story
peter @peteparker
so I was studying, and suddenly a BABY came up to me a BABY FRESHMAN and this kid is like the nicest kid ever
peter @peteparker
he, very quietly, asked if he could sit across from me because “everyone else is very intimidating”
peter @peteparker
so we start talking and man I JUST WANT TO PROTECT THIS KID FOREVER
peter @peteparker
he's like me and @Cap.America mixed into one, bc he's So Smart, but he's also an amazing artist and just So Soft
irondad @TStark
DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW
irondad @TStark
DO YOU GET WHY I HAVE SO MANY KIDS NOW
peter @peteparker
I DO I GET IT
peter @peteparker
I would destroy the world for this kid.
irondad @TStark
ugh rt
-
??? help ??? @spyderkid
@actuallyspiderman please follow me back I need to dm you this is real I need help
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
okay???
🕸
@spyderkid sent a photo
@spyderkid: how do I unstick?
@actuallyspiderman: holy SHIT MILES
@spyderkid: you know me???
@actuallyspiderman: WHERE ARE YOU IM COMING OVER
@spyderkid: midtown school of science and technology, the bathroom closest to the library
@actuallyspiderman: Oh My God
@actuallyspiderman: I'll be right there
@spyderkid: PETER???
@actuallyspiderman: YES IM SPIDER-MAN
@spyderkid: WHAT THE FUCK
@actuallyspiderman: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE YOURE LIKE 10
🕸
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm Reeling
spider @spyderkid
how do you think I feel???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm not old enough to be a father, I'm not responsible enough
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
WAIT YOURE A BABY YOU CANT BE SPIDER-MAN
luna @starpower
excuse me???
spider @spyderkid
IM NOT A BABY and I don't even know if I want to be spider-man
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
good, you deserve to have an actual life outside of vigilantism. it's not as fun as it sounds
irondad @TStark
you hypocrite, what's going on?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
mr stark!!! you need to meet this person!!! he also has spider powers and I would Die for him!!!
irondad @TStark
oh. oh no.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
we'll be over in a couple minutes!!!
irondad @TStark
oh god no. curie save us all.
Notes:
does the whole dm thing work? let me know, I may include it more often
Chapter 65: clones
Summary:
would you fuck your clone?
Chapter Text
Plant King @PlantKing
real question, would you fuck your clone? I'm tagging all the avengers so maybe one will answer
irondad @TStark
absolutely not
arlo @zooombitch
wait really? I thought you'd be the first one to fuck your clone
irondad @TStark
no I'm terrified of beard burn
irondad @TStark
I HAVE HAD A POPPING SKINCARE ROUTINE LONGER THAN MOST OF YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE
jim @jamesrhodes
he was a nightmare in college when he forget even a step of the routine, but he had skin as smooth as a baby butt
jim @jamesrhodes
if i had sex with my clone, that's basically just masturbation, right?
james @jbbarnes
who would know better how to fuck me than me?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
What if the clone is evil? I don't want to have sex with an evil version of myself!
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
If I’m honest, I would probably do some stuff with my clone that I’d be too embarrassed to ask other people to do with me.
falcon @samwilson
i wouldn’t because that’s gay sex and i’m not gay
james @jbbarnes
we’re literally dating but okay
quill @starlord
i’m actually not gay and i would fuck my clone
nebula @meanblue
I am gay and I wouldn’t fuck my clone, because that is disgusting
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I wouldn’t fuck my clone bc my self hatred is that That Strong
irondad @TStark
cucciolo please don’t say that about yourself
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
please i’m crying dad you’re so sweet
natasha @blackwidow
i want to know it i’m good in bed
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
You are.
Okoye @OKOYE
You are.
natasha @blackwidow
fuck yeah
clint @hawkeye
tbh fucking my clone is a fantasy of mine
stephen @strangemd
No, fucking your clone would be like fucking your twin, you’re all gross.
L @snakeperson
i can, and have, made multiple clones of myself simply to have sex with. that’s how pro-clone fucking i am.
Chapter 66: hold on... turkey?
Summary:
the catholic church is a fucked up organization.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
IM YELLING THIS IS SO FUNNY
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
irondad @TStark
NO WAY IM TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THIS
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
suddenly I'm an orphan again, anyone have a spare father figure???
irondad @TStark
no no bambino please I'm sorry
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
>:/ it's not that funny
irondad @TStark
it really is though, can I Please tell people
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
ugh fine
irondad @TStark
are you sure? bc I won't if you really don't want me to
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I'm sure
irondad @TStark
THANK NEWTON OKAY SO
irondad @TStark
we were talking about alpine and cute pictures we could take bc his birthday is soon
irondad @TStark
and I was raised catholic and I still have an appreciation for renaissance art, so I was talking about putting him in some old art piece
eli @lapis
okay but who's alpine???
irondad @TStark
you dont know alpine?
adam @lazuli
no? should we?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
alpine is bucky's cat!!! he's adorable and we all love him very much
irondad @TStark
and before you ask, no we didn't get him from a breeder, he was a foster
irondad @TStark
SO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PICTURES YEAH
irondad @TStark
so I mentioned that is would be adorable if we put him in the center of the last supper scene, and all the apostles could be different cats
irondad @TStark
and then spidey said that instead of a turkey in front of them, it could be fish
frankie @panfran
turkey??? what???
irondad @TStark
so I said hold up, turkey???
irondad @TStark
and spidey very hesitantly says, yeah… the turkey
irondad @TStark
so I asked, i asked what he thought the last supper picture was about
irondad @TStark
and he got defensive, calling the catholic church a fucked up organization as if we don't already know that
irondad @TStark
so I asked again, what he thought The Last Supper by Leonardo de Vinci was about
irondad @TStark
and we was quiet for a second before… THANKSGIVING
luna @starpower
AKJFHDGSKALDJLKJFHD
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
FUCK YOU IM JEWISH HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW
Notes:
inspired by john mulaney, duh. if you don't know about john mulaney, i am begging you to look up his stuff.
Chapter 67: BLACK HOLES BABY
Summary:
space space space space space
Chapter Text
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Space!!! Black holes!!! Science!!!!!!
james @jbbarnes
yes yes yes yes yes
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Reminder that Katie Bouman, the woman who led us to be able to actually be able to take a picture of a Legit Black Hole, is only 29!!!
peter @peteparker
yes sis!!! ugh. her mind.
luna @starpower
YO BUT THAT PIC IS WILD
rosa @deathpacito
it really puts everything into perspective, doesn't it? it got me all existential and shit
mossy @beartime
yo but where's tony stark? I thought he'd be all over this
leslie @varsitea
especially with katie bouman being an mit graduate, bc he's an alumni
james @jbbarnes
tones is actually taking a break from social media until most of this blows over
zach @cornchild
what? why?
james @jbbarnes
sorry I'm back, I just had to see if I could tell you this
james @jbbarnes
well if you remember the battle of new york, when tony flew a nuke into a wormhole
gwen @blondii
oh shit I forgot about that
james @jbbarnes
yeah well he has some major ptsd issues, and some recent events haven't helped them at all
james @jbbarnes
so when he saw the picture, he had a major panic attack, so he's staying away for now
james @jbbarnes
though he is actively trying to figure out a way to fund all of katie bouman’s projects for the next 20 years
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
He's adorable when he finds new, young, scientists. He gets so excited, even if his expertise isn't in that area of study.
peter @peteparker
I'm into biochem and he still hypes me up everytime I talk projects with him
kali @killakween
I didn't realize that stark had ptsd
james @jbbarnes
almost all of us do in some way, it comes with the job.
rose @andthorns
jesus christ that's not depressing at all
irondad @TStark
it costs $0 to tell myself that it just be like that
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
BABY NO
Chapter 68: scott is actually really smart
Summary:
why do people forget that scott is smart???
Chapter Text
scott @scottlang
please help tony is sitting on my lap, crying, and I don't know why
raiin @romantiic
is he okay??? is he hurt??? what were you guys doing??????
scott @scottlang
he's not hurt! we were just talking about stuff and watching star trek!
starrs @andmooons
that is disgustingly domestic and adorable
scott @scottlang
we cute or whateva
hope @hvandyne
shut up scott, tell us why your bf is crying
scott @scottlang
sorry I'm back, I was trying to comfort him
scott @scottlang
so we were talking about random shit, and the conversation suddenly shifted to talking about tech stuff
scott @scottlang
I mentioned that I had a theory about how the arc reactor worked, and tony seemed interested, so I told him!
scott @scottlang
and then he started crying!!! seeing him sad makes me sad idk what to do :(
hope @hvandyne
oh my god what a dumb gay bitch I know why he's crying
scott @scottlang
why??????
hope @hvandyne
no that's not for me to tell, tones will have to do it himself
scott @scottlang
he keeps mumbling stuff in italian, and the only thing I can understand is that one thing he always calls me
shane @bombshell
what does he always call you?
scott @scottlang
bello? whatever that means
unicorn @unicornshop
oh me god he calls you beautiful that's so cute aksjfhsjaj
scott @scottlang
wait that means beautiful??? oh golly oh wow
hope @hvandyne
did you really just say oh golly?
scott @scottlang
shut up hope I'm having a crisis
scott @scottlang
MY BOYFRIEND IS THE CUTEST MAN IN THE MULTIVERSE okay crisis over
raiin @romantiic
can we get back to why tony was/is crying please?
scott @scottlang
he's calming down and speaking english again so I'll talk to him
eugene @ayybaby
they've been inactive for more than 10 minutes, I'm worried
irondad @TStark
we're back! I'm okay!
raiin @romantiic
FINALLY WHY WERE YOU CRYING
irondad @TStark
okay so we are all aware that I'm a proud morosexual, my boyfriends are all so stupid
irondad @TStark
but they're also so fucking smart it's scary, which is equally attractive
irondad @TStark
like james is a sniper and can calculate the angle that a bullet has to travel to reach a target hundreds of yard away in seconds
irondad @TStark
and steve is literally a fucking Master Strategist, like he's a million time better than anyone I've ever met, and I've been saying that since we met
irondad @TStark
so when scott told me his theory for how the arc reactor works and we TOTALLY RIGHT
irondad @TStark
it was so hot that I just started crying
hope @hvandyne
like I said, dumb. gay. bitch.
Chapter 69: endgame (no spoilers)
Summary:
#dontspoiltheendgame
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
I just got a chill up my spine and now I'm crying
mel @coffeekid
lmao because of a chill
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
no- I don't know it's weird, like I just got devastatingly sad and I don't know why
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
stop saying I have depression, we been knew, this is different
james @jbbarnes
it's the same for all of us here in the compound
james @jbbarnes
like clint and Sam were playing mario kart and everything was fine but now we're all just crying?
gamora @meangreen
the guardians have also been hit by this, we are unsure why
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Quite a lot of Stark Industries has been hit too. Myself not excluded. I have to use voice to text to even do this, I'm crying so much.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
According to readings, of which I can't read through the tears, a pretty big chuck of people on Earth have been struck.
luna @starpower
should we be concerned??? bc I am also crying and I don't get why???
stephen @strangemd
don't worry, there is no threat to our universe. this has nothing to do with us.
selena @greenriver
what do you mean our universe? if it doesn't have to do w us who does it have to do with?
stephen @strangemd
we're just feeling the residual shock waves of an event from a different reality. our reality is safe, and so is theirs now.
stephen @strangemd
I can't say much more, I don't really want to think about it, about what we may have become.
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
#DontSpoilTheEndgame
Notes:
i wanted to make this smth funny becuase it's chapter 69, but endgame got me Fucked Up! i saw it opening night and cried for the first time in almost 2 years
Chapter 70: pepper is SHADY
Summary:
pepper is a professional...
Chapter Text
peter @peteparker
the funniest thing in the world is knowing pepper potts on her professional account AND her secret account
pride @liongay
owo secret account???
peter @peteparker
oh yeah! you really think she doesn't have another account where she's shady and subtweet about everyone she meets???
peter @peteparker
I'm not gonna give specifics bc I'd get in trouble
peter @peteparker
but seeing her tweet that she had a lovely meeting with whoeverthefuck on main and then saying they had the stankest breath sends me reeling periodically
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Hmm, suddenly I’ve found myself incapable of reading.
peter @peteparker
DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HER TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER AVENGERS
peter @peteparker
like we all see the tweets and she knows that, but it Does Not Stop Her
peter @peteparker
you guys think I'm nasty when people do me wrong, I learned it ALL from her
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Thank you, Peter. That's very sweet of you to say!
peter @peteparker
SEE EVEN NOW ON HER OTHER ACCOUNT SHE TWEETED ABOUT THJDHSJAKA
the heart @thesoul
pepper potts killed him before he could finish that tweet
peter @peteparker
lmao yeah I'm not allowed to talk about what she just posted
alluring @moneyclip
sometimes I forget that pepper potts is so powerful she could probably ruin my life while getting her nails done to perfection
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
:)
pride @liongay
christ that's terrifying
Chapter 71: hannah montana
Summary:
the modern hannah montana
Chapter Text
trans rights @pinkandblue
@actuallyspiderman so how does it feel to be the modern hannah montana?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
huh???
trans rights @pinkandblue
you know, you have a double life and a secret identity
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
oh my god? i'm literally hannah montana what the fuck
trans rights @pinkandblue
and you have your dad who's in the same business as you, trying to help you keep it a secret
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
and i have two close friends who both know, one who figured it out on accident and one who i ended up telling
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
did she have someone who loves her as hannah, but always made fun of her as miley bc i have that
selena @greenriver
i mean probably
luna @starpower
hold up you have people who make fun of you when you're out of costume? are you bullied???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
uhhhhhhh… no?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Is there someone I need to talk to?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
captain dad! no it's fine! i'm used to it
james @jbbarnes
used to it? does that mean it's been going on for a while?
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
NO NO ITS OKAY ITS BEEN GETTING BETTER
natasha @blackwidow
i just texted your boyfriend. you have some explaining to do little spider.
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
when the hell since when have you had his number
natasha @blackwidow
since he came over for family dinner
irondad @TStark
you're being bullied??? why did you never tell me about this???
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
suddenly i am no longer getting the best of both worlds
Chapter 72: peter parker has abs???????
Summary:
peter needs a nap or smth
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
betty @blondebetty
rise and shine, midtown! today we will be talking about one of our own, peter parker!
betty @blondebetty
YO WHEN THE FUCK DID PETER GET ABS
cindy @cxndymoon
peter? our peter? has abs? betty are you okay???
betty @blondebetty
I KNOW WHAT I SAW HE IS LEGIT RIPPED
Abe @AbeBabe
I KNEW I WASNT CRAZY I SAW IT TOO
Abe @AbeBabe
I RAN INTO HIM WHILE HE WAS CHANGING FOR GYM AND IT WAS LIKE RUNNING INTO A BRICK WALL
betty @blondebetty
I SAW HIM WIPE AWAY HIS SWEAT BY PULLING UP HIS SHIRT AND I ALMOST HAD AN ANEURYSM
liz @lizardallen
you guys didn't know? peter is Swol
cindy @cxndymoon
liz! how are you? how's oregon?
liz @lizardallen
it's actually really fun! i miss queens a lot of course, but the air here doesn't taste like shit so that's a plus
Abe @AbeBabe
ok wow that's rude and valid
cindy @cxndymoon
okay i'm in apush with peter right now, and he just pushed up his sleeves and??? i almost passed out his arms are HOT
betty @blondebetty
I KNOW i almost wish he was single smh
Abe @AbeBabe
peter is dating? since when?
betty @blondebetty
him and ned? they've been dating for like the entire school year?
seymour @saymore
HUH???!??!?!! parker and leeds?????
ned @GITC
oof betty that wasn't really public knowledge
betty @blondebetty
ohmygod really? i am so so sorry i didn't mean to i promise!!!!!!
ned @GITC
chill betty it's fine! most people probably suspected anyway
michelle @ladybossjr
yeah you guys aren't subtle at all, it's kinda gross
peter @peteparker
what do you mean we're so subtle
michelle @ladybossjr
peter you spent the entirety of lunch today sitting in ned's lap
cindy @cxndymoon
lmao i can see him from across the room, he's Bright Red
peter @peteparker
WAIT WHY WERE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT MY ABS
peter @peteparker
I MEAN WAIT I DON'T HAVE ABS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
betty @blondebetty
I would like to publicly thank michelle “MJ” jones for sending a picture of peter parker's abs to out acadec group chat
Abe @AbeBabe
@GITC you are one lucky man
ned @GITC
aksjfhsjaj i know
cindy @cxndymoon
WOW PETER REALLY HAD TO LEAVE CLASS HE WAS SO RED LMAOOO
Roger @RHarrington
Please refrain from sending shirtless pictures of your classmates to our group chat, thank you.
liz @lizardallen
HARRINGTON IS ON THE CHAT OH NO
seymour @saymore
i’m just gonna let you guys know that when flash saw the pic he squeaked and slammed his phone down so hard it got a crack in it
Flash @canttouchthis
I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING IT OK
<3 PETE @PETERPXRKER
POST THE PIC GIVE US OUR RIGHTS
peter @peteparker
I think I need a nap.
Notes:
sorry for the self promo, but the final chapter of the blue jay and the bunny was just posted and it would mean a lot if you guys read and commented!!!
Chapter 73: adventures in hair dye
Summary:
bucky discovers hair dye
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
james just found out about hair dye and now i'm on the way to a hair store for him
irondad @TStark
correction, he just found out about unnaturally coloured hair dye
james @jbbarnes
my hair can be PURPLE
james @jbbarnes
there were celebrities who would dye their hair platinum blonde, or like black, but color??? that shit is so cool!!!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Your enthusiasm is adorable.
irondad @TStark
peter keeps showing him pictures and videos of dyed hair and he keeps letting out these little excited gasps and it's CUTE
james @jbbarnes
i wanna dye my hair, how expensive is it?
irondad @TStark
………babe
james @jbbarnes
what
irondad @TStark
i'm literally a billionaire, it doesn't matter how expensive it is
james @jbbarnes
OH YEAH
mossy @beartime
bucky barnes forgetting that he's in a relationship with a literal billionaire is a mood
peter @peteparker
how is it a mood???
mossy @beartime
i'm a professional sugar baby
peter @peteparker
oh shit, good for you sis
mossy @beartime
lmao thanks
james @jbbarnes
ANYWAY IM NOT A SUGAR BABY LETS TALK ABOUT HAIR DYE
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
tony is having an aneurysm thinking about you being a sugar baby
peter @peteparker
SHUT UP I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIS KINKS
james @jbbarnes
rainbow. i'm dying my hair rainbow.
peter @peteparker
it's true, we're doing it in my bathroom
irondad @TStark
what the fuck? when did you guys get the dye?
peter @peteparker
uwu i'll never tell
irondad @TStark
Perish.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
We haven't seen Peter or Bucky for 2 hours and we're worried.
irondad @TStark
OH SHIT IT LOOKS GOOD
peter @peteparker
we kept most of it alone, but if he puts his hair up the bottom part is rainbow!!!
nat @blackwidow
you two did such a good job, i'm actually surprised
peter @peteparker
i've watched a lot of videos. i also dyed mj's hair once
michelle @ladybossjr
it was better than what i could have gotten in a salon
peter @peteparker
please stop messaging me about dying your hair, i do not have the Time i am Sorry
Notes:
what i imagine bucky's hair looking like: hair
sorry i didn't update yesterday! my brother had graduation, so i was busy. school's out, so i might be posting more stories!
Chapter 74: pride!!!!!!
Summary:
it's the beginning of pride month, so here are some messages from your favourite superheros
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's June, which means that it's pride month! I would like to wish everyone a very happy and safe pride, in the closet or out, cis or trans, whatever!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
As a kid I could have never imagined this kind of acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. We still have a long road ahead of us in the journey to acceptance, but we should be proud of what we've done.
-
irondad @TStark
when i was 12 i came out as trans to my butler, who helped me with hormonal therapy and changing my legal name. so when i first came into the public eye when i was 15, howard had no choice but to introduce me as his son.
irondad @TStark
these past couple of years have been life changing. i have finally surrounded myself with people who love me for who i am, and i could not be more grateful for these wonderful people.
irondad @TStark
in honor of this and the beginning of pride month, i have set up a new organization dedicated to helping poor LGBTQ+ kids in need of financial aid.
-
nat @blackwidow
i was raised to believe that love was for children and to destroy any hope i had for a future.
nat @blackwidow
i am thankful for second chances and for my two wonderful girlfriends.
-
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I've never spoken about this before, but I did not have a very happy childhood. My father was a terrible man who said and did terrible things to me.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I am not ashamed to say that I was suicidal for periods of time throughout my life because of it.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
For anyone who needs to hear it: it gets better. I promise you that it gets better. I am now in a very happy and loving relationship with an amazing s/o who respects me for who I am.
-
clint @hawkeye
i'm going to try to be serious for the first time in my life. okay so, my road to self acceptance was, or even is, a long one. my identity has always been confusing to be, and i'm still figuring out how i identify.
clint @hawkeye
but there's nothing wrong with that! you don't have to have a label if you don't want one, and there is no shame in your journey. love who you want to love, and be who you want to be, as long as you are living your truth.
-
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i know i'm very public with my identity as a trans, bisexual guy, but it's easy to be out like this when i'm still hiding behind a mask
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
in my real life, i'm actually not out as trans to many people, especially if they don't also know i'm spider-man
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
i was given this platform, where i can reach people all over the world to let them know that they are loved and accepted no matter how they identify
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
and hey, i just graduated high school with a full ride scholarship to an amazing university, so i'm feeling pretty fucking good right now so you know what
spider-man @actuallyspiderman
my name is peter benjamin parker
peter @peteparker
and i am spider-man
Notes:
FINALLY AN IDENTITY REVEAL
Chapter 75: fallout
Summary:
so peter is spider-man, huh?
Chapter Text
Flash @canttouchthis
Fuck.
Flash @canttouchthis
i fucking bullied spider-man.
mossy @beartime
you WHAT dog???
Flash @canttouchthis
i bullied peter for literally our entire time in high school, and only apologized AT graduation
peter @peteparker
i mean you did apologize, so that's something
Flash @canttouchthis
I CALLED YOU PENIS PARKER FOR 4 YEARS
irondad @TStark
HUH??!??!?!!?
-
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Peter Parker.
peter @peteparker
...yes?
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Can you even comprehend the pr nightmare you just created?
peter @peteparker
umm is this a trick question?
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
No, it is not.
peter @peteparker
then no? i can't?
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Would you like to?
peter @peteparker
uh no, i don't think i do
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Good answer. That being said, I'm very proud of you for coming out, it was very brave. But please give me some warning next time.
peter @peteparker
okay!!! i'm sorry mom
nat @blackwidow
she's crying while doing her paperwork now
-
michelle @ladybossjr
i'm honestly disappointed more people at school didn't notice sooner, it's kinda obvious
seymour @saymore
wha? no it wasn't!!!
michelle @ladybossjr
the decathlon practice room was on the second floor. he came in through the window every day.
betty @blondebetty
wait it does make sense! when we were in dc spider-man was also in dc, same goes for the europe trip
cindy @cxndymoon
AND THE ABS
betty @blondebetty
THE ABS ARE BC HE'S A LITERAL SUPERHERO FHSJALDHDJAL
cindy @cxndymoon
@GITC you are dating spider-man
ned @GITC
lmao yeah
seymour @saymore
HOW are you so chill
ned @GITC
i've known for years haha
Abe @AbeBabe
wait so have you met the avengers?
ned @GITC
yup @hawkeye still owes me money from when i beat him at mario kart
clint @hawkeye
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we don't talk about that
ned @GITC
Coward.
-
irondad @TStark
steve and james keep high-fiving peter while i try to scold him for not telling me he was about to reveal his identity
selena @greenriver
you'd think captain america would be the one scolding him
irondad @TStark
i'm trying to scold him and then i can be proud of him bc i really am proud of him BUT IT'S NOT WORKING
peter @peteparker
wait, you're proud of me?
irondad @TStark
kid, i am so proud of you every day for everything that you do, to the point where it's probably weird
peter @peteparker
no it's not weird, it's very very not weird
james @jbbarnes
they're hugging in the middle of the kitchen. mission accomplished.
-
shane @bombshell
WAIT
shane @bombshell
SO HOW MANY KIDS DOES TONY STARK ACTUALLY HAVE
peter @peteparker
it's still five!!! me, harley, riri, shuri, and the fifth is actually nebula
ryan @spooker
nebula??? whomst'd've is that
peter @peteparker
@meanblue she's our awesome older alien sister!!!
nebula @meanblue
Hello.
peter @peteparker
i love you nebula!!!!!
nebula @meanblue
…requited
peter @peteparker
uwu
-
egg @deviled
FINALLY I CAN TALK ABOUT IT
egg @deviled
I HAVE KNOWN FOR SO LONG AND I COULDN'T SAY A WORD
peter @peteparker
sorry you caught me changing that one time
egg @deviled
it's not my fault you're kinda a dumbass
kali @killakween
hey! don't be fucking rude!
peter @peteparker
no, they're right, i'm a huge dumbass
irondad @TStark
you have an iq that's higher than mine and you're still the most stupid person i've ever met
michelle @ladybossjr
truer word have never been typed
-
Plant King @PlantKing
wait so which account do we use now?
jo @jojoclown
@peteparker @actuallyspiderman WHICH ACCOUNT ARE YOU GOING TO USE NOW
peter @peteparker
oh shit good question uhhhh
peter @peteparker
i'll probably use this account more often and save the other one for spider-man stuff, like news about villains or for pictures i take
spider-son @peteparker
i'll change my name though!
-
spider-son @peteparker
yo real shit real quick, i only kept my secret identity for so long because i didn't want my friends and family to be in danger
spider-son @peteparker
so if you guys even try to find where they live, assault them, etc, i have the avengers legal team on my side and i won't hesitate to ruin your life.
spider-son @peteparker
also you legally can't do that bc uhhhhh i'm baby
Chapter 76: time travel
Summary:
i'm still bitter about endgame
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
ann @ruler
@Cap.America if you had the opportunity to go back to the past and live out your life there, would you take it? you are the man out of time after all
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Sorry, I had to ask a couple people if this was a genuine question, because I thought this was a joke.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Short answer? No way in hell.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Long answer? I can't see what I would have to gain going back. Everything I love is right here. Sure, I left behind everything that I knew and it was really hard to acclimate to a new culture, but the future is amazing!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I spent so long romanticizing the past and everything that I left behind that it was hard to accept that I was no longer there.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
But my team, my family, they helped me realize that I needed to make the best of what I thought was a bad situation. They helped me realize that this was home now. I have all that I need right here.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss certain things, like Peggy and the other Howlies, but going back wouldn't be worth it if it meant giving up what I have now.
irondad @TStark
think about how you would mess up the timeline if you went back, jesus. there's no way you would let hydra have bucky, you would probably kill howard if you got the chance
irondad @TStark
and that's not even mentioning you having knowledge of future occurrences! every movie that had time travel in it ever basically shows how bad of an idea that would be
spider-son @peteparker
speaking of time travel movies, have you ever noticed that that one guy from hot tub time machine looks like bucky?
Notes:
i'm going out of town next week and i won't have my phone, so i won't be active! i'll still update next saturday bc i get back friday, so don't worry!
Chapter 77: juneteenth
Summary:
juneteenth was a couple days ago, here's how we celebrate.
Notes:
this isn't a funny chapter!!! i know i typically stay on the lighter side of stuff, so just don't expect a punchline or something.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
michelle @ladybossjr
juneteenth was a couple days ago! for those of you who are not american, not of earth, or were fucked up by our education system, i will explain why it's important to recognize and celebrate
michelle @ladybossjr
juneteenth is the holiday that commemorates the abolition of slavery in the united states in 1865 at the end of the civil war
michelle @ladybossjr
it's important to note that even after the abolition of slavery, the united states still found ways to force former slaves into positions of servitude through share-cropping
michelle @ladybossjr
obviously, that wasn't the end of discrimination towards people of color because about 100 years later the civil rights movement happened
michelle @ladybossjr
the discrimination that those men and women faced cannot be forgotten. thousands upon thousands of people have been killed for their race since then. it's still a problem that we face today.
michelle @ladybossjr
i have had the privilege to have been born into a stable household with access to good education and support. not everyone in our country can say the same.
michelle @ladybossjr
statistics have shown that black people are 3x more likely to be killed by police. 99% of cases in 2015 have NOT resulted in officers involved being convicted.
michelle @ladybossjr
black people are killed by police at a rate of 7.2 per million. native americans are killed at a rate of 7.8 per million. white people are killed at a rate of 2.9 per million.
michelle @ladybossjr
police brutality is real and it cannot go ignored. people live day to day in fear of being killed by the very same people we are told should protect us. if we can't trust them, who can we trust?
Notes:
please tell me if i said anything wrong, i'm a white kid who grew up in the south, the american education system failed me in a lot of ways. i try to teach myself, but sometimes i need help!
Chapter 78: it was a cat?
Summary:
is fury really such a badass?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
carol @cdanvers
the greatest mystery of our time is how the hell nick fury has a reputation as a mysterious badass
Fury @NicholasFury
Shut up.
carol @cdanvers
so seriously how did you do it?
Chad @callerid
i think it has something to do with him being a highly respected agent and the director of an agency that most people don't know about
carol @cdanvers
"highly respected agent" LMAO
Fury @NicholasFury
Danvers.
carol @cdanvers
hey nicky, i bet your other eye that coulson is more badass than you
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Woah that's a bit too far, him losing his eye is a sensitive subject.
nat @blackwidow
yeah, he actually used to lesson he learned from what happened to recruit me
clint @hawkeye
people say that he hasn't smiled since, that's how bad the incident was
irondad @TStark
yeah i stay away from that subject because i know it's traumatic
carol @cdanvers
…
Fury @NicholasFury
Please no.
carol @cdanvers
……
Fury @NicholasFury
Carol don't, I'm begging you.
carol @cdanvers
BAHAHAHAHAHAHDJFDJSKSKWJFJEIEU
carol @cdanvers
TRAUMATIC MY BISEXUAL ASS OH MY GOD I CAN'T BREATH
Fury @NicholasFury
Carol please, I have a reputation!
carol @cdanvers
MY CAT CLAWED YOUR EYE AND SUDDENLY IT'S THIS SENSITIVE AND TRAUMATIC THING
Fury @NicholasFury
YOU'RE CAT??? I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING CARE OF THAT CAT SINCE THE 90S FOR IT TO BE YOUR CAT
carol @cdanvers
LET'S BE HONEST GOOSE DOESN'T BELONG TO EITHER OF US GOOSE IS JUST GOOSE
Fury @NicholasFury
FAIR
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I'm sorry, a cat? It was a fucking cat?
clint @hawkeye
woah language
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You know what? No. Fucking no. There's no was a fucking cat inspired the rant you went on to be before you were fucking shot in my apartment.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
"The last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye." WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
i need a nap
irondad @TStark
he passed out on the couch
irondad @TStark
also rest in peace iconic cat that started this whole thing, your legacy will live on in his eyepatch
carol @cdanvers
the cat is still alive lol
irondad @TStark
how???
carol @cdanvers
alien cat
irondad @TStark
i need it's autograph
Fury @NicholasFury
Carol, you and Parker are the only people capable of ruining my reputation like this. I hope you're happy.
carol @cdanvers
i am :D
nat @blackwidow
wait did you say coulson?
Notes:
the only reason i chose to post this chapter and not the other one i had planned is bc it's the last saturday of pride and this chapter has carol saying she's bi
that's literally why lol
Chapter 79: jeff goldblum
Summary:
what was bruce banner doing while be was gone for 2 years?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
ruby @redredred
is nobody going to talk about that time bruce banner disappeared off the face of the planet for 2 years???
sara @solicitedmuse
I REMEMBER THAT HOLY SHIT WHAT DID HAPPEN
luna @starpower
oh god the memes at the time about him being a cryptid
eli @lapis
bruce banner is still alive, i saw him at a denny's at 4 in the morning drinking hot sauce
adam @lazuli
bruce banner is just chilling out there with bigfoot and mothman
L @snakeperson
bruce banner is real and he spent 2 years in space trapped as the hulk fighting in jeff goldblum's battle tournament on a different planet
zach @cornchild
bruce banner is real and he vored my son
luna @starpower
those were some classics, but then he just showed up one day and nobody talked about it?
ruby @redredred
exactly what i'm saying
ruby @redredred
WAIT A FUCKING SECOND @snakeperson IS LOKI
Plant King @PlantKing
DOES THAT MEAN THEY WERE BEING SERIOUS
L @snakeperson
it's she today
Plant King @PlantKing
DOES THAT MEAN SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS
L @snakeperson
òwó
shane @bombshell
@BruceBanner please tell us what happened in the two years you were gone
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Queer bonding.
egg @deviled
THAT'S GREAT BUT NOT AN ANSWER
Thor @godofthunder
we started dating!
seymour @saymore
but you weren't on planet? when did you come back to earth?
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I was in space
eugene @ayybaby
this thread is terrible, the gays don't know how to communicate properly at all
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I'm not sure what you guys want me to say, Loki already told you what happened.
ruby @redredred
WAIT SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS
kelly @skeling
wait is jeff goldblum an alien?
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
@godofthunder Was The Grandmaster actually Jeff Goldblum???
Thor @godofthunder
i… i don't know
Jeff Goldblum @jeffreygoldblum
I will not be responding to comments at this time.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
????????
Notes:
sorry if this chapter is a little later than usual, i got a new phone today so i've spent most of my day setting it up
Chapter 80: (b)romance
Summary:
i just love jake and tom's chemistry
WARNING FOR FFH SPOILERS
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
ned @GITC
honestly idk if i should be jealous that my bf (boyfriend AND best friend) is getting along so well with someone else
spider-son @peteparker
babe you know i love you, but he's my husband! it would be wrong to put my husband above anyone else
ned @GITC
ah shit my b, continue on
michelle @ladybossjr
once you get the two of them together nobody else exists
betty @blondebetty
i feel love in this chili's tonight
ned @GITC
peter isn't even on twitter rn, that's how crazy it's gotten
Abe @AbeBabe
I hate that that's the measure, whether or not he's on twitter
flash @canttouchthis
wait are you ready
flash @canttouchthis
idk man mysterio just isn't cool
spider-son @peteparker
YOU TAKE THAT BACK
spider-man @peteparker
oh shit it was a trap
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
you're such a loser lol
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
OMG JAKE GYLLENHAAL HEY
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
wait are you secretly evil in this universe just waiting for peter to trust you before you betray him dramatically? blaming him for the death of his loved ones before leading him to get hit by a high speed train? attacking his friends and almost shooting him in the head before you yourself die, but as your final act of retribution you release a video revealing his identity as spider-man and framing him for an attack on london and your own death?
spider-son @peteparker
how the hell did you go so far over the character limit???
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
he's babey? i'm legally not allowed to hurt him even if i wanted to? WHICH I DON'T I LOVE HIM
spider-son @peteparker
uwu
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
also wade i'm from a universe where you're actually a green lantern
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
oh god oh no i thought i killed all of them
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
i have to go
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
for everyone asking I'm from a different universe where everything got Fucked up so I came here but I'm staying bc it's nice here
spider-son @peteparker
and because you like me (✿◠ᴗ◠)
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
AND BECAUSE I LIKE PETER A WHOLE LOT
spider-son @peteparker
anyway my goal is to get quentin a date by the end of the month so if anyone is interested dm me ;*
°~*mysterio*~° @qbeck
honey please…
Notes:
i have no excuse
Chapter 81: bet
Summary:
tony's one weakness is a dare
Chapter Text
lesbian rights @bykes
@TStark i bet you couldn't figure out time travel
irondad @TStark
Bet.
james @jbbarnes
oh god oh no this is bad
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You've found his one weakness. A dare.
AIM @AIM
I dare you to hand over the arc reactor.
irondad @TStark
lol your "company" died with killian why are you even trying
AIM @AIM
😭
irondad @TStark
@bykes do i have a time limit?
lesbian rights @bykes
uhh one week
irondad @TStark
oh lmao bet that's not hard give me 2 days
spider-son @peteparker
coward do it in 24 hours
spider-son @peteparker
and you have to eat and sleep in that time
irondad @TStark
if i do it you have to let me make a recommendation letter for your applications
spider-son @peteparker
BET
pat @pavillion
why would he have to be bribed with that???
spider-son @peteparker
bro i don't wanna get into college or get a job because i know tony stark i want to get in because i'm good enough
irondad @TStark
i'll sign it with a different name if you want me to, i just want to rave about you
spider-son @peteparker
that's gotta be illegal in some way
irondad @TStark
then i'll legally change my name for a day
irondad @TStark
oh btw i figured out time travel lol
lesbain rights @bykes
proof?
irondad @TStark
what kind of proof do you want?
lesbian rights @bykes
take a picture with captain america before he shaved his beard last week doing a peace sign and winking
irondad @TStark
Done.
irondad @TStark
timetravelbitch.jpeg
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
You already took that picture with me?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
OH MY GOD THAT WAS FUTURE YOU WOAH
irondad @TStark
okay now i'm going to destroy this technology before anything bad can happen
james @jbbarnes
smart
Chapter 82: area 51
Summary:
what's really in area 51?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
irondad @TStark
if I tell you guys what's in area 51 do you promise not to storm it
Matthew Ellis @POTUS
What the hell, Stark.
irondad @TStark
you're not the one who would be suffering if they stormed it, ellis.
Matthew Ellis @POTUS
Fine.
spider @spyder
yes please mr iron-dad sir
irondad @TStark
jesus christ you're just like peter
spider @spyder
yes please you stinky old man
irondad @TStark
honestly that's still like peter
irondad @TStark
okay so I own area 51
spider-son @peteparker
you WHAT
mossy @beartime
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU OWN AREA 51
killer @bigmeem
FJFHSKFJFBDNALA
apple soda @bookboyy
please… let us see them aliens
anton @ssubway
give us that alussy
alex @ddominos
shut the fuck up anton
irondad @TStark
you guys still haven't promised not to raid it if I tell you what's there
irondad @TStark
okay enough people have promised, so I'll tell you
irondad @TStark
area 51 is actually where all of the chitauri bodies from the battle of new york are, as well as the bodies from the battle in wakanda
irondad @TStark
due to their bodies having a different chemical composition from life on earth, they cant be left to decompose or they would ruin the ecosystem
irondad @TStark
the area is quarantined and obviously they're not just in a huge pile, but they're there until we figure out what to do with them
irondad @TStark
so yeah, there are aliens, but not fun aliens just dead bodies
⎊
@peteparker: is that actually what's in area 51?
@TStark: yeah mostly
@peteparker: mostly?
@TStark: well one of the infinity stones are also kept there
@peteparker: oh Shit
@TStark: yeah
@TStark: so you see why i had to make sure nobody actually raided the place
@peteparker: yup totally understandable
⎊
Notes:
i had to acknowledge the fact that tony stark owns area 51 in the comics lol
Chapter 83: MORE VENOM
Summary:
we're all monsterfuckers okay???
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
venom @wervenom
hey avengers, we're going to be in new york this week if you want to meet us?
irondad @TStark
YES
spider-son @peteparker
please… i need to know if your voice is as deep as it sounds in the videos
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Just let us know when and where.
clint @hawkeye
wait are you going to tell us your secret identity???
venom @wervenom
uh yeah I don't see why not
clint @hawkeye
oh FUCK yeah
venom @wervenom
@godofthunder hey venom is wondering why you haven't said anything about what he is
Thor @godofthunder
I didn't think it was my place to, he seems to be very different from any of the others of his kind that I have met before
venom @wervenom
as in he's not a genocidal maniac?
Thor @godofthunder
As in he's not a genocidal maniac.
spider-son @peteparker
you know i'm not gonna ask
venom @wervenom
good idea
anne @whimsy
shape of water headass
venom @wervenom
SHUT THE FUCK UP ANNE
anne @whimsy
the real monsterfucker is venom's host
anne @whimsy
sorry *boyfriend
venom @wervenom
you're not funny
anne @whimsy
venom thinks I'm funny
venom @wervenom
no he doesn't
venom @wervenom
y̸e̶s̵ ̵i̷ ̵d̵o̷
venom @wervenom
ANYWAY i'll be in nyc tomorrow for stuff, just tell me when i should stop by the tower
-
spider-son @peteparker
hey karen why my pp hard
KAREN @KAREN
It would appear to be due to the fact that Mister Venom allowed you to climb on his shoulders.
spider-son @peteparker
THEY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT KAREN
KAREN @KAREN
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
irondad @TStark
he's so… big
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
rt
slim pp @skinnypeen
blease tell us if his voice is really Like That
james @jbbarnes
IT IS IT REALLY IS
james @jbbarnes
also, I'm gonna say it… his host is just as hot
slim pp @skinnypeen
FUCK
irondad @TStark
okay so venom isn't unlike a goo that will seep into his host's skin when he's not Big, but he'll do this thing where a small bit of venom will come out and just hover by his shoulder
irondad @TStark
he's about the size of a sock puppet then and acts like a fucking cat it's Adorable
irondad @TStark
callout post for steve, when they transformed for the first time he had to leave the room and take a breather
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
SHUT UP
nat @blackwidow
y'all are a mess
Notes:
this fic we hit 100,000 hits this past week and uhhhhhhhhh that's wild
also the one year anniversary is on friday so you guys will be getting two chapters next week
Chapter 84: one year
Summary:
one year!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Text
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
WHATS UP FUCKERS
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
the author is a dumbass who only pulls me out of his pocket when it's most convenient so he'd like to apologize for the lack of dp content uwu
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
ANYWAY as some of you may know today is the one year anniversary of this wonderful fanfiction coming to life
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
it's wild that this version of me was only created a year ago and all of my memories and actions are what the author makes them to be
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
it's almost as if i don't exist outside of the tweets that i make and my whole personality has been cherry picked from the author's favourite parts of canon
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
i don't have to acknowledge the horrible trauma and world-shattering angst that happens in other canon because i can spend my whole existence making funny jokes on twitter
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
…
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
happy one year
Chapter 85: we irritating
Summary:
ask and you shall receive, more friday and karen content ;)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
lmao some of you guys are going back to school soon, graduation has never felt so good
pipis room @allthepipis
shut up or I'll pee on you
spider-son @peteparker
o-oh?
pipis room @allthepipis
yeah. I'll do it.
spider-son @peteparker
please mx pipis, I'll do anything!!!
pipis room @allthepipis
anything?
spider-son @peteparker
yes!
pipis room @allthepipis
then perish.
KAREN @KAREN
This just in, Peter Parker has been found dead after being dunked on.
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
Tragedy within the superhero community as Spider-Man mysteriously dies. The only clue at the scene of the accident was his phone, which was opened to the Twitter app.
KAREN @KAREN
FRIDAY, how is Tony Stark taking the sudden death of his son? Sorry, his mentee.
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
Thank you for asking, KAREN. Boss is currently in mourning and us unable to take questions at this time.
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
How are Peter's friends taking it?
KAREN @KAREN
Well, his close friend Michelle Jones, after being told of Peter's untimely death, shrugged and said, "I always knew it was coming."
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
A truly tragic end for such a bright young man with endless potential. We can only hope that the city of Queens will be safe with their beloved webslinger gone.
KAREN @KAREN
It's always a pleasure to work with you, FRIDAY. Hopefully next time it won't be under such tragic circumstances.
FRIDAY @FRIDAY
We can only hope.
spider-son @peteparker
y'all are irritating
Notes:
I'm going back to school this week, but don't worry! weekly updates will still be a thing!
Chapter 86: i'm gonna be sick
Summary:
natasha needs better friends
Chapter Text
nat @blackwidow
sometimes it's easy to recognize that the avengers are a group of highly trained and dangerous individuals and other times they seem like the physical embodiment of 30-50 feral hogs
mossy @beartime
FHCJCBDJSKSOFIRJE DCNDJSKSDKJGJSKA EXPLAIN PLEASE
nat @blackwidow
clint: *can hit almost any target, moving or not, from nearly any distance with extreme precision*
nat @blackwidow
also clint: what would happen if i used orange juice to brew my coffee
ruby @redredred
that's literally so disgusting i genuinely threw up
nat @blackwidow
now they're debating whether grape juice or orange juice would be better
nat @blackwidow
bruce is sitting in the corner looking on in horror and honestly same they're all disgusting
nat @blackwidow
OH GOD TONY JUST PROPOSED SELTZER WATER
luna @starpower
CARBONATED COFFEE NO NO NO NO NO NO
nat @blackwidow
i deadass think there are tears streaming down bruce's face
lance @blueboii
why???
nat @blackwidow
because thor just asked if they could use asgardian alcohol to make coffee
nat @blackwidow
sam looks like he wants to die, he's clutching his protein shake like it's his child
Plant King @PlantKing
I'm living for black widow live tweeting the avengers being the dumbest bitches alive
nat @blackwidow
I'm so glad I have my girlfriends to keep me sane
Okoye @OKOYE
Things are not much better in Wakanda.
Okoye @OKOYE
The princess is trying to replicate different weapons from video games. It is going well.
eli @lapis
why does that sound like a bad thing???
Okoye @OKOYE
Because it's going well.
Okoye @OKOYE
The energy sword is particularly effective.
adam @lazuli
oh god
nat @blackwidow
tony wants to make coffee with tomato juice and now even clint looks sick
Chapter 87: SUPPORT LOCAL BUSINESSES
Summary:
support! local! business!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Hey just a reminder to support local artists!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
If you can I would also recommend getting your paints and pigments from smaller companies or distributors!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
It's not always the most price efficient, but it's always worth it to support those people!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Also, fuck Anish Kapoor.
-
nat @blackwidow
going off of what steve said, support your local dance and theatre groups
nat @blackwidow
go to shows, attend competitions, cheer them on
nat @blackwidow
it means more to them than you probably think
-
falcon @samwilson
I guess this is a thing now, so support bakeries and coffee shops! there is so much more than just starbucks
falcon @samwilson
those people work crazy hours to make amazing food so if you can give them some business
-
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
I support reading books in any way you can, but there's something special about going into a small bookstore and not knowing what you'll come out with.
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
The stores I have gone to over the years have all had amazing hidden gems in them!
-
spider-son @peteparker
this is so wholesome so I'm piggybacking off of it
spider-son @peteparker
support florists!!! the bouquets you get from walmart are trash no offense and you can get so much better at any flower store
spider-son @peteparker
the language of flowers is beautiful and you can say fuck you with a bouquet of flowers!!! it's amazing!!!
Notes:
I posted a new fic this week please go read it
here
Chapter Text
michelle @ladybossjr
callout post for @peteparker he was asked to write a 3 page essay about his hero freshman year and he wrote 12 pages about tony stark
michelle @ladybossjr
in eighth grade he made a presentation about bruce banner that was supposed to be 4 minutes long, but he was cut off halfway through at the 9 minute mark
ned @GITC
in fourth grade he wrote a paper about how thor should be the next president of the united states
gene @canttouchthis
in second grade he wore an iron man mask almost every day and refused to take it off
may @spideraunt
I particularly like the fact that he wore exclusively avengers boxers until he was in middle school
nat @blackwidow
he passed out when he first met me
ned @GITC
for halloween one year he dressed up as bucky barnes because he "also deserves recognition"
michelle @ladybossjr
he cried when he first met pepper Potts
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
That's true.
Luna @starpower
did we miss something why are we calling him out for stuff
adam @lazuli
not that we're complaining this is some god tier content right here
eli @lapis
did he post cringe? will he lose subscribers?
elyse @forME
oh shit no his subscribers, why did he have to post cringe
ned @GITC
he didn't post cringe, thank god
ned @GITC
he's just on a mission rn and therefore can't defend himself
slim pp @skinnypeen
lol as his bf shouldn't you be defending him?
ned @GITC
and miss a chance to embarrass him? hell no
spider-son @peteparker
HEY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
Notes:
bitch boy (me) /finally/ got his permit. I should have gotten it like a year ago but oh well I have it now
Chapter 89: basically sugar babies
Summary:
honestly I have no good excuse for this
Chapter Text
bubble @bubbleboy
steve rogers: fuck billionaires, but also FUCK billionaires, if you know what I mean
james @jbbarnes
alternatively- steve: fuck billionaires, but also let billionaires fuck YOU, if you know what i mean
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Can I get a new boyfriend? Can I please get a new boyfriend???
xoxo @gossipgurl
idk why but it still freaks me out every time captain america quotes a meme
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
sksksk and i oop where's my hydroflask sksksksks
Hydroflask @Hydroflask
We would be honoured to have your business.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Thanks, but I have Stark Industries brand waterbottles.
falcon @samwilson
sugar baby
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
SHUT THE FUCK UP
falcon @samwilson
welcome to the thread called steve rogers is a sugar baby
falcon @samwilson
went to art school, and tony paid for the whole thing
falcon @samwilson
has a whole floor in the tower dedicated to his studio, and a whole wing for it in the compound
falcon @samwilson
when he complained about not being able to find certain supplies that he liked, tony MADE them for him
falcon @samwilson
half of his clothes have the si logo on them... the other half have iron man motifs
falcon @samwilson
his gear is always the first to get updated when tony does an overhaul
falcon @samwilson
when he was sad that different museums had all of his old stuff, tony got it all back and then sued the museums for refusing to give it to him in the first place
falcon @samwilson
do I even have to mention the gucci stuff?
james @jbbarnes
haha get fucked steve
falcon @samwilson
and now welcome to my next thread: bucky barnes is also a sugar baby
james @jbbarnes
o h n o
falcon @samwilson
tony "i don't make weapons" stark REFUSES to let bucky use guns that weren't made by him
falcon @samwilson
just like steve's studio, bucky has a shooting range in the tower and compound just for him
falcon @samwilson
probably a good half the time you will find bucky wearing an iron man sweater that tony had custom made for him (yes, it's also gucci)
falcon @samwilson
tony had bucky's old favourite burger joint from the 30s remade and renovated in the same spot it used to be in because bucky said he missed it
falcon @samwilson
bucky has so many old and expensive cars, and tony has bought all of them
falcon @samwilson
steve or bucky: I want-
tony: consider it done
falcon @samwilson
steve or bucky: hey there's this charity-
tony, already donating a million dollars: oh tell me more
sugaaar @smallmint
oh see that's how you really deal with having a billionaire sugar daddy
clint @hawkeye
tony: hey doll?
steve and bucky, already a pile of goo on the floor: y-yeah?
nat @blackwidow
tony: jamie, stevie?
steve and bucky: 🥰🥰😍🥰😫😫😍🥰
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I- I need to leave the country.
james @jbbarnes
i'm just going to delete the internet now and die, because that's the only option i see rn
irondad @TStark
please don't
james @jbbarnes
okay i won't
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Okay I guess I could stay.
spider-son @peteparker
*wuh-PSSSH* whipped
Chapter 90: on a roll
Summary:
wikihow: how to cuddle with so many boyfriends?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
uh yeah @rwahead
if this isn't too personal, how does your sleeping situation work? with some of you having relationships outside of each other? (i'm @ ing stuckony in replies)
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Not a problem at all! Typically we will sleep together, but Bucky is also dating Sam so sometimes they'll spend the night together. Same goes for Tony and Scott!
hotel @twiviago
are there nights where they're both sleeping with other people? what do you do then?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Sure, it has happened before! Usually I'll just go cuddle with Clint for the night. He likes cuddles.
james @jbbarnes
that being said the avengers are all physically affectionate so sometimes we'll just spend the night with whoever's wants to
james @jbbarnes
stevie and i are basically human body heaters, so we make great cuddle partners in the colder months
irondad @TStark
as if my tower or compound could ever be at an uncomfortable temperature
spider-son @peteparker
you make your room colder so you can cuddle with your boys and you know it
irondad @TStark
WOW IVE BEEN CALLED OUT
james @jbbarnes
...do you really do that?
irondad @TStark
maybe?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Don't mind me, just crying in the gym because my boyfriend it too cute. Don't mind me.
spider-son @peteparker
i just realized that we're all so physically affectionate because we've been starved of love most of our lives
clint @hawkeye
wow peter is just on a roll tonight huh
Notes:
sorry that this is both late and short! i am currently out of town so it was tough getting this written and published on time!
Chapter 91: driving
Summary:
peter needs help learning how to drive
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
Never, I repeat NEVER, get in the car with Peter Parker.
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
This boy cannot drive.
spider-son @peteparker
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO VOLUNTEERED TO HELP ME LEARN HOW
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THAT BAD
spider-son @peteparker
I LIVE IN NEW YORK I'VE TAKEN PUBLIC TRANSPORT MY WHOLE LIFE
irondad @TStark
after seeing the damage to the car… I'm so glad I didn't let you borrow one of my nice ones
spider-son @peteparker
please… I need a responsible adult to help me learn how to drive
spider-son @peteparker
I've gone through 3 teachers already
clint @hawkeye
i could help you kid
spider-son @peteparker
…
spider-son @peteparker
to reiterate, I need a RESPONSIBLE adult to help me learn how to drive
clint @hawkeye
WOW OKAY
spider-son @peteparker
one with a reasonable temper
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
Okay fair.
spider-son @peteparker
one who actually knows how to drive
Thor @godofthunder
understandable
spider-son @peteparker
one who won't make fun of me
falcon @samwilson
alright short stack
spider-son @peteparker
someone who won't kill people for honking at me on the road
nat @blackwidow
they would never find the bodies
spider-son @peteparker
and someone who is very patient with me
Happy @HHogan
I see how it is.
spider-son @peteparker
:)
jim @jamesrhodes
...fine I'll help
Notes:
the three he went through were may, tony, and pepper if anyone was wondering
Chapter 92: therapy
Summary:
another more serious chapter about therapy!
Chapter Text
falcon @samwilson
reminder! you don't have to feel ashamed for going to therapy!!!
falcon @samwilson
there is no shame in wanting therapy, needing therapy, or going to therapy
falcon @samwilson
it's long past time to break the stigma around mental health!!!!!!
falcon @samwilson
i've personally been going to therapy for most of my life, especially after i was discharged
falcon @samwilson
lots of the people i was in the army with looked down on me or shamed me for it, but that didn't stop me
spider-son @peteparker
this is getting kinda personal, but i've been going to therapy since my parents died
spider-son @peteparker
there were times, especially after my uncle died, that we couldn't afford to send me to therapy regularly, but we somehow made it work
spider-son @peteparker
when i was younger the kids in my school would make fun of me for being crazy because i went to therapy
spider-son @peteparker
now i know quite a few of those kids go to therapy themselves
spider-son @peteparker
people change, their needs change, I went to 7 different therapists before I found one that worked for me
irondad @TStark
i was raised to believe that therapy was a sign of weakness. that stark's were made of iron and that if i was a real man, i would learn to tough it out
irondad @TStark
i developed anxiety and depression very young, and ptsd and a couple other things i'm not comfortable sharing later in life
irondad @TStark
but i didn't start going to therapy until 2015
irondad @TStark
so please, even if you aren't mentally i'll, even if you're just stressed out and sad, please consider going to therapy
irondad @TStark
there are a lot of great alternatives out there for those who are financially struggling, things like call lines and apps
irondad @TStark
if you're struggling with finding a financially viable option, dm me. i will help you figure it out.
Chapter 93: meme king
Summary:
tony had to learn about memes at some point
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
man I remember when I first had to teach mister stark about memes
irondad @TStark
oh god don't remind me
neurosis @riotriotriot
what was so bad about it???
irondad @TStark
I WAS SO IGNORANT I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
spider-son @peteparker
"what the fuck does oh jah mean?"
ned @GITC
"okay but why is this buzzfeed show so important?"
spider-son @peteparker
"i thought peppa pig was a children's show???"
michelle @ladybossjr
"so f doesn't mean fuck?"
ned @GITC
"why does everyone on twitter call me daddy if it's not just about sex?"
spider-son @peteparker
"what's with the internet and beans???"
ned @GITC
"i understand i'm baby, but is it acceptable to say that peter's baby? because he's baby."
michelle @ladybossjr
"okay so tell me if i get this right. steve rogers is one thicc bih."
spider-son @peteparker
"wait people find me relatable for my mental illnesses?????? how the hell does that work???"
ned @GITC
"............... uwu?"
michelle @ladybossjr
"can i make all the orphan jokes that rhodey doesn't like me saying?"
spider-son @peteparker
"i feel like i'm going to regret asking this, but who is joe?"
ned @GITC
*crying* "how did you make that noise with your mouth?!"
peter: "(✿◠‿◠)"
Chapter 94: public school
Summary:
public school is Wild
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
miles @sMILES
can we just talk about how Whack public school is???
spider-son @peteparker
OH GOD I KNOW
ned @GITC
MIDTOWN WAS SUPER WILD THOUGH
betty @blondebetty
YOU PUT A GROUP OF SUPER SMART KIDS TOGETHER IN ONE HIGH SCHOOL
betty @blondebetty
SHIT IS GOING TO GET WEIRD
michelle @ladybossjr
remember when someone found a teacher's twitter and started printing out tweets and putting them up around the school
Abe @AbeBabe
remember when a girl was dress coded for her makeup and everyone including morita showed up the next day wearing make up
cindy @cxndymoon
remember when that one chem teacher faked his death and we had a pep rally for him
cindy @cxndymoon
and it turned out he was using the labs to make drugs
seymour @saymore
or the film teacher who got caught having sex in a taco bell
liz @lizardallen
or how my dad ended up being a literal supervillain lmao
spider-son @peteparker
y i k e s sorry
liz @lizardallen
oh lol it's good
michelle @ladybossjr
should we even mention harrington and his wife
ned @GITC
… it's best if we just don't
miles @sMILES
at my old school people would smear actual shit on the walls so
miles @sMILES
there were quite a few fights and last year (before I transferred) one of the teachers got hit in the head with a hydroflask
miles @sMILES
I've had kids in my art class ask how to make grey. GREY.
miles @sMILES
you don't know a true lack of common sense until a kid has asked the teacher to repeat the instructions FOUR TIMES
miles @sMILES
oh and it wasn't like this in my school, but I know schools that went HOG WILD for football games
miles @sMILES
and the cult rumors that ended up being true lol
spider-son @peteparker
what the FUCK context??????
miles @sMILES
no… I don't think I will.
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
are you allowed to say that???
Notes:
I'm literally posting this chapter at a football game lol. I've spent my day and tsd and it's been very fun.
ALSO I came out to my parents yesterday! it went well!
Chapter 95: "memes"
Summary:
these are totally real "memes"
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
can the avengers PLEASE stop purposefully misquoting memes and slang it's very annoying
shuri @shuri
damn danny, what's that!!!
spider-son @peteparker
please… please don't do this to me
nat @blackwidow
freaky flex but alright
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
aura check
Thor @godofthunder
my favourite app is tic tac!
spider-son @peteparker
i will pay you to stop. what do you all want from me.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
no hat
james @jbbarnes
current issues require current solutions
irondad @TStark
this makes my metal become the large metal
spider-son @peteparker
you KNOW that's not right
clint @hawkeye
we infuriating
spider-son
god yes you are but don't phrase it Like That
falcon @samwilson
i'm an absolute mime
wanda @scarletwitch
okay gen b
spider-son @peteparker
that's DISGUSTING
Pepper Potts @PepperPotts
you are not immune to misleading information.
spider-son @peteparker
FUCK IT
spider-son @peteparker
vanilla extract on the wall
Chapter 96: HALLOWEEN
Summary:
who's dressing up this year???
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN
ned @GITC
IT'S THIS WEEK JAHXHHFHSJSKFJFISNC
spider-son @peteparker
QUICK WHAT IS EVERYONE BEING FOR HALLOWEEN I'M GOING AS CALVIN
ned @GITC
AND I'LL BE HOBBES
michelle @ladybossjr
i'm going as joan of arc
irondad @TStark
@Cap.America @jbbarnes and i will be the powerpuff girls, i am of course bubbles
james @jbbarnes
i'm buttercup
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
And I will be Blossom!
nat @blackwidow
i'll be dressing up as artemis
clint @hawkeye
and i'm apollo!!!
Bruce Banner @BruceBanner
@godofthunder and I will be Kronk and Yzma! Some adjustments will be made for the sake of comfort though haha
luna @starpower
i'm not saying it's because thor is a himbo, but it's because thor is a himbo.
falcon @samwilson
lando calrissian! @scottlang is my han
scott @scottlang
hell yeah!!!
egg @deviled
i feel like that's kinda unexpected
scott @scottlang
i mean we're pretty close and both of our boyfriends have had costumes picked out for MONTHS
irondad @TStark
don't expose me >:(
scott @scottlang
sorry babe but you've literally had this planned since november 1st of last year
james @jbbarnes
damn called you
falcon @samwilson
hush sweetheart you've been on board with that plan since november 2nd of last year
irondad @TStark
it should be said that not all of us will be dressing up or celebrating, but the trick or treat at stark industries will be open to the public! and who knows, maybe some of us will show up ;)
Chapter 97: november ;)
Summary:
it's ;) november ;)
Chapter Text
falcon @samwilson
i am still not used to peter actually being an adult and being able to talk about shit
rae @collllie
example??
falcon @samwilson
he's talking about how it's…… november
rae @collllie
AKFJFJSKXHDHAL
spider-son @peteparker
i'm sorry i have a nut allergy i don't know what you're talking about
spider-son @peteparker
reese's peanut butter cup? No Thank You
spider-son @peteparker
i have to be careful, that cookie may have traces of nuts in it
ned @GITC
the nutritious snack of trail mix? ahh, i cannot, for No Nuts
harley @potatogun
No Protein Bars
michelle @ladybossjr
may i see the package, i cannot have Ňüť
irondad @TStark
i think i need to bleach my eyes
spider-son @peteparker
what's wrong father, do you not like N̶̼̑ ̸͔͗U̷̱ ̴̡̌T̶̗̚
irondad @TStark
i'm going to try my hardest to make sure you fail
spider-son @peteparker
FUCK HE JUST SENT ME A PICTURE OF VENOM FJVJVHDJSOAO HE KNOWS MY WEAKNESS
venom @wervenom
t̵h̸a̶n̷k̶ ̷y̵o̶u̷
ned @GITC
this is going to be a long month
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
watching the avengers say ok boomer in different situations will never not be funny
spider-son @peteparker
example, sam and rhodey were doing a press conference after the last battle bc they were the team leads at the time
spider-son @peteparker
and sam was talking and answering a question, but this old reporter dude tried to interrupt so sam just goes "ok boomer" and continues
irondad @TStark
i had the absolute Pleasure of watching rhodey say ok boomer to a major who tried to insult him
irondad @TStark
and the same with pepper during a board meeting
spider-son @peteparker
but also tony you did it just the other day during the fight with that old guy who thought he could mind control animals
spider-son @peteparker
he was going off on his Villain Monologue and you just fucking shot him and said ok boomer
raiin @romantiic
oh my god what a power move
james @jbbarnes
steve did it in the grocery store when this old guy tried to go off on him about how he doesn't respect what he has and that old back in my day shit
james @jbbarnes
and steve just hold up his hand and says "ok boomer, i was raised in the great depression but go off i guess."
james @jbbarnes
ONLY THEN DID THE GUY REALIZE HE WAS TALKING TO CAPTAIN AMERICA
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Buck you did that the same day at the book store. You had a book about Russia during the Cold War and some guy tried to come up to you and talk about it.
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
When he tried correcting something you said you went, "Ok Boomer, as someone who forcibly worked for Russia at the time, I think I would know more than you. идиот."
wanda @scarletwitch
natasha said it at the farmers market. i'm not going to give any more context because i believe that is enough.
nat @blackwidow
wanda as said it at the farmers market. it may have been to the same person.
falcon @samwilson
clint said it to someone on the streets who yelled at him about how he's broken for not feeling romantic attraction
clint @hawkeye
damn that pissed me off
Thor @godofthunder
bruce has never said it to anyone's face, but he says it quite often at the scientific conferences that i attend with him
Thor @godofthunder
typically it's just under his breath, but i hear every one of them
apple soda @bookboyy
i almost said who knew the avengers were so savage but like… we been knew
Notes:
I tried posting this chapter a couple hours ago but for some reason it didn't post??? so sorry that it's kinda late lol
Chapter 99: don't like the cold
Summary:
spiders don't like the cold
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
i fucking HATE cold weather >:[
out @lastus
but!! snow!!!
bi babe @bibabe
SWEATER WEATHER
yee @thaw
hannukah!! new years!! christmas!!
apple soda @bookboyy
curling up by a warm fire after playing in the snow for hours and drink hot coco
mel @coffeekid
fingerless gloves!! wearing layers and layers of cozy clothes!!!
ice @icebaby
ice skating and looking at holiday lights!! what's not to like about the season!!!!!!
spider-son @peteparker
okay yes that's all wonderful and fun but i would like to be able to go outside for more than 10 minutes without going into hibernation thanks
luna @starpower
you fucking WHAT
Plant King @PlantKing
i'm sorry did spider-man just say that he goes into hibernation bc uhhh H U H
shane @bombshell
WAIT A MINUTE SPIDERS CANT THERMOREGULATE CAN THEY
spider-son @peteparker
they can't :/ therefore i can't either bc of courrrssse o get the worst parts of being part spider
spider-son @peteparker
also finding out the i can hibernate? definitely Not the coolest thing that's ever happened to me
spider-son @peteparker
imagine you're me for a second, and you've been spider-man for only a couple months. new york just got hit with its first major cold front.
spider-son @peteparker
but you're still spider-man, and crime never sleeps, so you go out anyways. it's cold. really cold. it says it's 37° out but it FEELS like it's 17°
spider-son @peteparker
you've been out for 7 minutes when you start to feel drowsy. you're scared for a second that someone had drugged you somehow, but your ai karen doesn't detect anything but a lower than normal body temp
spider-son @peteparker
by 10 minutes, you're passed out on the roof of a random building, and you don't wake up for another week.
spider-son @peteparker
mr stark just about lost his mind when it happened, and goes crazy trying to upgrade your entire wardrobe to make them self heating
spider-son @peteparker
yeah so uhh i don't really like the cold
Notes:
holy shit this is the 99th chapter?????? should I do something special for next week?
Chapter 100: the newlyweds game
Summary:
none of them are actually married though
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
clint @hawkeye
WELCOME FOLKS TO THE NEWLY WED GAME EVEN THOUGH NONE OF US ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED
clint @hawkeye
ILL BE YOUR HOST TODAY, AROMANTIC AND VERY HAPPILY SINGLE CLINT BARTON
clint @hawkeye
AND NOW THE CONTESTANTS FOR ROUND ONE, THE POLY ROUND
clint @hawkeye
FIRST IS TEAM "HOT STUFF" OUR VERY OWN CENTENARIANS AND THEIR HOT RICH BF
clint @hawkeye
THEN IT'S TEAM "BADASS" OUR THREE KILLER LADIES WHO CAN AND WILL CUT YOU
clint @hawkeye
AND FINALLY TEAM "YOUNG BLOOD" OUR YOUNG LADIES WHO COULD ALSO DESTROY YOUR LIFE
clint @hawkeye
okay wow screaming is exhausting, anyway here are the rules. anyone who is not participating in the game will be live tweeting what happens, while i ask these fine people a series of questions
clint @hawkeye
these questions will continue to get harder as it progresses, and they will all be centered around each person's respective partners
clint @hawkeye
if you don't understand the rules now, you will soon enough, so let's begin!!!!!!
harley @potatogun
clint: steve, wanda, nat, get the fuck out
spider-son @peteparker
oh man he's asking the question, this is gonna be Good
spider-son @peteparker
THEY'RE COMING BACK IN NOW
harley @potatogun
clint: "steve, what do your boyfriends find most annoying about you?"
steve: "uhh, probably that I break punching bags all the time?"
clint: "boys, show us your answer"
harley @potatogun
tony and bucky: "the fact that you get on everyone's asses for swearing when you swear like a sailor who just hit his pinky toe on a table"
spider-son @peteparker
STEVE WENT BRIGHT RED LMAOOOO
harley @potatogun
I KNOW IT WAS SO FUNNY
spider-son @peteparker
clint: "natasha, what do your girlfriends find most annoying about you?"
nat: "........the fact that I have no concern for my own personal safety?"
spider-son @peteparker
AND THEN PEPPER AND OKOYE JUST NODDED THEIR HEADS SOLEMNLY IM SCREAMING NATASHA CANT EVEN LOOK AT THEM
harley @potatogun
clint: "wanda, what do your girlfriends find most annoying about you?"
wanda: "the fact that i do not understand all of their memes?"
harley @potatogun
clint: "ladies? was she correct?"
shuri and mj: "*slowly turning around their board* the fact that you PRETEND not to understand all of our memes!!!"
spider-son @peteparker
NOW THEY'RE ARGUING ABOUT THIS OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WANDA HAS BEEN FAKING IT THIS WHOLE TIME
harley @potatogun
SHE WAS PLAYING THE LONG GAME HUH
harley @potatogun
clint: "okay so far the score is one point to team badass, no points to team young blood or hot stuff. up your game people!"
harley @potatogun
btw peter and I are the only ones live tweeting rn because everyone else is too invested in the Plot
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
haha you don't even know how ironic using that term is
harley @potatogun
uhh okay?? sure anyways now he's kicked out shuri, okoye, and bucky
spider-son @peteparker
THIS QUESTION IS JUST AS GOOD IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE
harley @potatogun
I WANT TO THANK WHOEVER WROTE THESE QUESTIONS
carol @cdanvers
you're welcome
spider-son @peteparker
THEY'RE READYYYYYY
harley @potatogun
clint: "bucky, who were each of your partners first kisses?"
bucky: "*quietly, but with feeling* fuck"
spider-son @peteparker
bucky: "yeah ask the guy with memory issues about something that happened in the 20s"
harley @potatogun
bucky: "okay steve's first kiss was with gladis bleeker, and tony's first kiss was………… rhodes?"
harley @potatogun
steve and tony, with huge smiles on their faces: *nodding vigorously*
spider-son @peteparker
when I say bucky's face lit up, bucky's face Lit Up
harley @potatogun
honestly though it was kinda adorable
spider-son @peteparker
clint: "okoye, who were your girlfriend's first kisses with?"
okoye, without hesitation: "pass."
spider-son @peteparker
clint: "you're not even going to guess?"
okoye: "I would much rather pass than make a fool of myself."
harley @potatogun
pepper and Natasha were just nodding in respect lol
spider-son @peteparker
honestly though on brand for all of them tbh
harley @potatogun
clint: "okay shuri, who were your girlfriend's first kisses with?"
shuri: "can I have partial credit? because I know mj's was with liz, but I don't know who wanda's was."
harley @potatogun
clint: "nope, you have to know both!"
shuri: *shrugs uselessly*
spider-son @peteparker
clint: okay then, current scores are 1 to team badass, 1 to team hot stuff, and none to team young blood. the next and final round could tie up the whole game, or lead one team to victory!"
harley @potatogun
oh man I don't even know who to root for at this point
spider-son @peteparker
lowkey want a tied up game, but idk what the last question is going to be
harley @potatogun
okay he's kicking out tony, pepper, and mj, very good very good
harley @potatogun
OOOHHHH THIS QUESTION COULD HAVE SOME TWISTS WITH IT HUH
spider-son @peteparker
OH HELL YEAH THIS IS GREATTTTTT
spider-son @peteparker
OKAY THEY'RE COMING BACK IN
spider-son @peteparker
clint: "we're going to go in a different order this time. mj. what is the first language of each of your partners?"
harley @potatogun
oh shit mj is thinking really hard about this
spider-son @peteparker
mj: "shuri's is wakandan and wanda's is sokovian"
harley @potatogun
oh no wanda's face, she looks like she feels so bad
spider-son @peteparker
wanda: "my mother was from serbia, so technically my first language was serbian, but I don't even speak it anymore so I think she should get that right!"
harley @potatogun
ooh clint is contemplating
spider-son @peteparker
AND THEY GET THE POINT!!! IF NOBODY ELSE GETS THIS IT'LL BE A 3 WAY TIE
harley @potatogun
clint: "pepper, what is the first language of each of your partners?"
pepper: "nat's is russian and okoye's is wakandan"
harley @potatogun
okoye: "I am so sorry my love, but my first language was xhosa and not wakandan."
spider-son @peteparker
OH NO PEPPER LOOKS SO DISTRAUGHT THAT SHE GOT THAT WRONG
harley @potatogun
AND SHE SAID IT WITH SUCH CONFIDENCE TOO
spider-son @peteparker
clint: "okay tony. this is going to make or break your team as the winner, or if you're all going to tie. are you ready?"
spider-son @peteparker
tony: "james' is english and steve's is gaelic"
clint: "...I haven't even said the question, are you sure that's what you want to answer?"
spider-son @peteparker
tony: "yup, that's my answer."
harley @potatogun
you can already tell he got it right by the beaming smiles on their faces, they're disgusting
spider-son @peteparker
clint: "I guess you're correct, huh. well the final scores are 1 to team badass, 1 to team young blood, and 2 to our winners! team hot stuff!"
clint @hawkeye
they're all messes, but now it's time for round two. the couples round.
clint @hawkeye
FIRST IS TEAM "STRONGEST" WITH OUR FAVOURITE NORSE GOD AND UNASSUMING SCIENTIST
clint @hawkeye
THEN IS TEAM "BABEY" WITH OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-MAN AND SWEETHEART HACKER
clint @hawkeye
AND FINALLY TEAM "ACTUALLY STRONGEST" WITH COLONEL CUTIE AND CAPTAIN ACTUALLY A COLONEL
clint @hawkeye
man capital letters are exhausting, now let the game begin!!!
irondad @TStark
now I get to be the one live tweeting >:)
harley @potatogun
I'm still here bc I'm single lol
harley @potatogun
clint: "okay ned, carol, bruce, get out."
irondad @TStark
OOH THIS IS A FUN QUESTION
harley @potatogun
YEAH I LIKE THIS ONE, THEY'RE BACK NOW
irondad @TStark
clint: "okay ned, think long and hard about this one… what is peter's favourite book?"
ned: "oh! wow this is really easy, his favourite book is the vital question by nick lane! but he also likes the great gatsby!"
irondad @TStark
peter: "I wrote down both of those!!! no way!!!"
sam: "oh my god, it's like watching two over excited puppies"
harley @potatogun
clint looks like he's tempted to give them two points lmao, those two know each other too well
irondad @TStark
yeah they've known each other since kindergarten, I think they're going to win
harley @potatogun
clint: "okay carol, what is rhodey's favourite book?"
carol: "I'm pretty sure it's the mists of avalon? I think?"
harley @potatogun
clint: "rhodey, is that correct?"
rhodey, smiling softly: "yeah that's right :)"
irondad @TStark
I think that rhodey would say she was right even if she wasn't lmao
harley @potatogun
yeah I think you're right
irondad @TStark
clint: "okay then, bruce, what is thor's favourite book?"
bruce: "I don't know, I don't think it's- I don't think it's a midgardian book, it's probably something asgardian so I don't know"
irondad @TStark
clint: "thor? what's your favourite book?"
thor: "my favourite book is the study that bruce released on gender!!! I've read it many times!!!"
harley @potatogun
and what did bruce do?
irondad @TStark
he started crying
harley @potatogun
he started crying
irondad @TStark
NEXT ROUND BABYYY
irondad @TStark
clint: "okay rhodey, thor, peter, get out. and don't use your super hearing peter!"
peter: *pouts*
harley @potatogun
ooh this is a fun question!!! seems kinda easy though
irondad @TStark
idk guess we'll see
harley @potatogun
clint: "okay peter, what is ned's favourite food?"
peter: "ooh!! well he really likes his mom's ube halaya and the sandwiches from delmars!!!"
harley @potatogun
ned: "oh my god! I wrote both of those down!!! no way peter!!!!!"
peter: ":D!!!!!!"
irondad @TStark
sam: "I actually think I'm going to throw up"
harley @potatogun
I wouldn't blame him
irondad @TStark
clint: "okay rhodes, what is carol's favourite food?"
rhodey: "fuck okay… so here's the thing… she's been to SPACE so she has tried many things that I can't even pronounce, so I don't think I could guess"
irondad @TStark
clint: "okay, carol?"
carol: "uh, my favourite food is cheeseburgers"
harley @potatogun
LMAOOO RHODEY LOOKS FUCKING DEAD
irondad @TStark
I KNOW IT'S HILARIOUS
harley @potatogun
clint: "okay, last one, thor. what is bruce's favourite food?"
thor: "ah, well I believe that his favourite food is the dessert that he showed me when we visited india! I believe that it's called jalebi?"
harley @potatogun
clint: "is that correct?"
bruce, with literal heart eyes: "y-yeah"
irondad @TStark
GUESS WHO WONNNNN
harley @potatogun
EXACTLY WHO WE THOUGHT WOULD WIN
spider-son @peteparker
WE'RE THE WINNERS BABYYYYY
ned @GITC
TEAM BABEY FOR THE WIN
deadpool @deadpoolbaby
HAPPY 100TH CHAPTER PEOPLE
spider-son @peteparker
HELL YEAH
spider-son @peteparker
wait what?
Notes:
CHAPTER 100!!! THE LONGEST CHAPTER YET!!! I BROKE 30K WORDS!!! hope this all makes up for the late post :)
Chapter 101: studying!
Summary:
make sure to study, folks
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
spider-son @peteparker
bruh if I hadn't been forced to form good studying habits when I was in high school, college would Kill Me
irondad @TStark
told you so
spider-son @peteparker
thank you dad I truly do appreciate you forcing me to sit down and make flash cards for content I already knew
spider-son @peteparker
that sounded like sarcasm but I promise it wasn't
irondad @TStark
I understand because I did Exactly that, and I struggled with remembering which things I had to know because I never studied what I had to know
irondad @TStark
so I always mixed up which formulas I needed to use during tests and shit
luna @starpower
genius tingz lol
spider-son @peteparker
developing good study methods is v important and I would highly recommend everyone do so, even if you totally understand the topic
spider-son @peteparker
because no matter how smart you are, everyone is prone to being a dumbass
james @jbbarnes
called the fuck out babe
irondad @TStark
hush doll, I don't know what you're talking about
jim @jimrhodes
i am Disgusted that I just had to hear bucky whimper like that
james @jbbarnes
OH MY GOD RHODES WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CALL ME OUT LIKE THAT
jim @jimrhodes
HE DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT TO YOU IRL AND YOU STILL WHIMPERED
jim @jimrhodes
AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING SALAD
spider-son @peteparker
anyways make sure to study
Notes:
okay I have no excuse I deadass just forgot to post the past two weeks, so you guys will be getting a second chapter in a couple minutes!
Chapter 102: dinosaurs
Summary:
steve and bucky are really old man
Chapter Text
nat @blackwidow
every day I am reminded of how fucking Old steve and bucky are
james @jbbarnes
all I said was my grandpa fought in the civil war, what's the big deal
zach @cornchild
What The Fuck
james @jbbarnes
he joined the war when he was 14, and both my ma and my gramma had children in their 30s
james @jbbarnes
so yeah my grandpa fought in the civil war
irondad @TStark
dude back when we had first met, I had to tell steve that cigarettes were bad for you and he was Shocked
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
I smoked all the time! I got them prescribed for my asthma!!!
adam @lazuli
oh wow that's extra not good huh
falcon @samwilson
these motherfuckers really out here remembering the prohibition huh
james @jbbarnes
yeah there were some issues with the mob growing up, my friend's dad got killed during a shootout, but it wasn't hard to ignore most of the time
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Yeah we got used to it after a while.
clint @hawkeye
polio was a thing back then, yeah?
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Oh jeez don't even get me started. You always had to be weary of big crowds and concentrated amounts of people. Pools were also a big no.
james @jbbarnes
there are records of me when I was the winter soldier refusing to get in the pool at a party I was infiltrating, like straight up
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
Force of habit! We had to be really careful!
james @jbbarnes
oh man and living in the tower is crazy because we're 5 minutes away from the empire state building, and I remember watching it go up!
Steve Rogers @Cap.America
And now we live in a building that's almost the same size!!!
falcon @samwilson
jesus christ you two are so old
eli @lapis
should I assume that we shouldn't bring up the dodgers with them?
nat @blackwidow
oh no.