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You Can't Go Back Again

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“It’s not like I’m a virgin, Santana” Rachel whispered softly, her breathing heavy against the Latin’s lips where they had been tangled in a deep, passionate kiss until Santana had hesitated with her hand against Rachel’s breast.

The kids had finally gone down for a nap which usually meant Rachel and Santana found themselves caught up in a heated make out session like two horny teenagers trying to get a thrill before their parents caught them. It had been nearly three months since Santana had first kissed Rachel that night, but it had never gone past the heated making out and a little bit of heavy petting. Between nap time and the times Santana spent the night with Rachel, there was enough tension built between them that she felt like she might explode.

“I know you’re not” Santana mumbled against her mouth, still desperately trying to maintain the kiss they had been sharing. Santana had never been shy about sex before, but she was now.

“Then touch me, Santana” Rachel mumbled, her fingers tugging at the Latina’s hair, pulling her head in again so their lips were tangled in the kiss as her tongue lashed and twisted against Santana’s.

A soft moan escaped Santana at the feel of the kiss and the depth and desperation behind it. She knew Rachel wanted more, she had expressed that a few days earlier and yet here they were wrapped up within one another again, hearts racing and bodies writhing in need and Santana was nervous about taking the next step.

A soft sigh escaped Santana’s mouth as she broke the kiss and she looked at Rachel, her dark eyes were hungry and yet there was uncertainty in them as she found her gaze “Are you sure?”

“Jesus, Santana, you sound like I’ve never done this before.” Rachel groaned, her fingers starting to pull at Santana’s shirt now.

Santana stopped her, just for a moment, her eyes still on her “You haven’t.”

“Really, Santana, I have three kids. There is hardly anything I haven’t done.”

“I’m not worried about what I’m going to do to you. I am worried about if you are sure you want this.”

“I told you I did, Santana” Again, Rachel reached for Santana’s shirt, this time tugging it up and over her head before Santana could fight it.

A shiver slid through Santana and she nodded her head, leaning in to touch another kiss to Rachel’s lips “Tell me if it’s too much.”

“Santana” Rachel barked, now pulling her own shirt off and tossing it aside “You’ve done this a hundred times. I’ve done this a hundred times. We are adults in a relationship. I have absolutely no moral dilemma in this situation.”

Santana nodded again, shifting now to pick Rachel up off the floor, sliding her onto the counter in the kitchen where they two of them had let their passions take over. If Rachel was sure about this, she was going to go for it and go hard. She moved fast, she had done this a hundred times after all, and in a whirlwind of hands, lips, and clothing, the two of them were soon stripped to their bra and underwear.

Rachel was leaning back on the counter, both hands supporting her weight, her head rolled back and her eyes closed as Santana’s lips moved along her body. The Latina’s lips were skilled, obviously, and for the first time in nearly a year Rachel’s nerves were on fire.

Santana smirked up at Rachel from where she was playing kisses against her tight stomach. Her hands had taken to teasing along the length of Rachel’s legs and now as she stood up again, her mouth found one of Rachel’s nipples through the material of her bra and pulled it into her mouth with her teeth. This brought a sound from Rachel that Santana had never heard before but definitely wanted to hear it again.

“San…” Rachel moaned out loudly, lifting one of her hands from the counter and reaching behind her to pop open the bra she wore. The next time Santana pulled at her nipple with her teeth, the material of the bra went with it, now leaving Rachel completely bare from the waist up, waiting for more from Santana and her amazing mouth.


Santana licked her lips hungrily at the sight of Rachel’s breasts in front of her. Any reservations she had before were now fading as she laid eyes upon the beautiful body that was laid out in front of her. Her head dipped and without a moment of pause she took one of her pink nipples between her lips and immediately started to assault it with her tongue, lashing it back and forth hungrily.

“Oh god. More, San. That feels so good” Rachel’s voice hit a deep husk that Santana didn’t think was possible from the singer and yet it was and it was the most amazing sound she had ever heard.

As Santana took to feasting on the pert breasts before her, switching back and forth between the two, her hand slid down Rachel’s tight torso, fingertips brushing along her tiny hipbones lightly. She couldn’t stop herself now, she was on auto pilot and before her was the canvass on which she would make her greatest work of art.

“Yes” Rachel’s voice rang out, encouraging the Latina to keep going. Who knew Rachel Berry was so vocal in bed?

Santana’s fingers dove into the material of the tiny panties Rachel wore, not even bothering to remove them. Her fingertips found their way into her heated need easily, immediately coating her fingers with her desire. A moan escaped Santana as her mouth broke from the nipples she had been so mercilessly teasing, head lifting in search of Rachel’s kiss.

“Don’t stop” Rachel mumbled before grabbing Santana’s head and hungrily pressing her lips against Santana’s.

Santana didn’t stop. She couldn’t stop, not with her fingers sliding up and down through Rachel’s slick folds, them begging for more attention. Attention that she was more than willing to give. She gave few teasing passes of her fingers through the soaking wet heat before curling her fingers and plunging them through the folds and into the depth of Rachel. 

The loudest moan pushed through the kiss and into the air as Rachel’s hips thrust forward, begging for more.


Santana didn’t hesitate, her fingers plunged into her again and again. Her fingers curved up and in then stretched completely straight, wanting to touch and tease every inch of Rachel that she could reach. Each new thrust of her hand was a new feel, Rachel’s body jolting against the counter with each push of Santana’s wrist into her.

A hand came to the back of Santana’s head, Rachel’s fingers tangling in her hair and gripping tightly as her head rolled back and she released a long, throaty groan. She was panting now, every push into her body took more of her breath away and sent her heart racing harder. 

Santana had looked up at Rachel with a smile when the kiss was broken. Her eyes were dark, hungry, full of a lust and fire that she was sure she had not held for years. She hadn’t felt like she felt now for years. She felt alive again. She felt incredible and hearing and feeling what she was doing to Rachel was waking her up from head to toe.

Each thrust of Santana’s hand brought another moan from Rachel. Her hips were moving in perfect rhythm with Santana’s hand, drawing her in harder and deeper each time Santana’s fingers dove inside her. 

Santana curled her fingers again, diving up into the sensitive bundle of nerves that lay just inside Rachel’s body. She knew she had found the spot, the yelp that Rachel let out had let her know that. She was driving her toward the edge, wanting to draw her over that edge of pleasure and feel Rachel lose control of herself. With each new push of her fingers, she felt Rachel tighten harder around her fingers, keeping her there in that spot in a silent begging for more.

“So close, Santana. Oh my god, just like that. Keep going.” The words were panted out one by one, Rachel’s throat dry from all the air she was pulling into her lungs so quickly, but she hardly noticed. All she knew was she felt her hips starting to jerk, her legs starting to trembled, and a knot in her stomach begging to unravel.

Santana’s thumb slid up through the slick folds and found the perked nub of flesh, waiting for attention. She trapped it under her thumb and as furiously as her fingers worked within Rachel, her thumb flickered back and forth and in circles, fingers pushing and twisting in perfect harmony, working to drive the amazing body before her into a state of ecstasy.

The hand tangled in Santana’s hair gave a sudden and sharp tug as her hips thrust up then paused. A shiver danced all the way up Rachel’s spine and she cried out loudly as her thighs shook violently around Santana’s hand that was buried inside her. The knot that had so fiercely build within Rachel’s stomach had unraveled so quickly in a forceful release that it took her breath away and she was rendered motionless.

Santana smiled wickedly as she watched the girl before her writhing and twisting in pleasure. Her body glistened and gleamed with an amazing coat of light sweat and as the light reflected through the window Santana was sure Rachel had never looked as beautiful as she did right then. Her hand came to a pause inside Rachel, letting her fingers linger as the singer’s chest heaved in and out, trying to catch her breath.

Finally Rachel moved, her body falling forward and her arms wrapping around Santana’s shoulders. She brought her mouth to her neck, laying a few lazy kisses there before her lips grazed her ear and gently she whispered, still in that husky tone from before “Santana Lopez you just rocked my world.”

Santana laughed out at that, shaking her head a bit as her hand finally pulled from inside her, sliding along her thigh and around her waist, pulling her to the edge of the counter again. She turned her head, kissing Rachel on the cheek before she returned the whisper into her ear “Wait until you see what I can do with my tongue.”

“Mommy?” Lucy’s voice broke through the room and Rachel blinked, suddenly realizing she had drifted off into a day dream. Her fingers were tangled in her gold star necklace and her eyes were glossy from being open without blinking for so long.

“Yeah baby?” Rachel asked softly, clearing her throat, when she realized her voice was small and dry.

“Are you alright?” The girl asked as she crawled onto her lap where Rachel sat on the couch.

Rachel gave a smile and shifted to accommodate for her daughter. She let the girl settle then slid her arms around her tiny waist “I’m fine. I was just thinking.”

“Were you thinking about Tana?” The little girl whispered. It was amazing to Rachel just how in tune her oldest daughter could be sometimes. 

“Yes I was.” Rachel said with a little nod of her head, rubbing her daughter’s back gently.

“I miss her, mommy” The girl spoke in another whisper.

“So do I.” Rachel returned the whisper before kissing the top of her forehead. Santana had gone away on a two week retreat to get help with herself. Rachel had convinced her that it would be good for her. To just escape and have no distractions so she could fully focus on herself and what needed to be fixed. Santana had no idea where to start with herself so Rachel had suggested getting away from everything so she wouldn’t be distracted and could find a starting point.

“When she is coming home?” Lucy asked again, her little hand running along Rachel’s arm lightly.

“Another week, sweetie. Tana has some stuff to deal with and she can’t leave now or it won’t get done. You remember when daddy used to take business trips?”

Lucy nodded slowly.

“It’s like that. She can’t come home until all the work is done.”

Lucy nodded again and wrapped her arms around her mother, squeezing her tightly. “When she gets back are you two going to fight as much?”

Rachel frowned. It killed her to know that her kids had to hear that, had to go through that too. She wished they didn’t, she had never wanted to put them through that. She and Finn had hardly ever fought before. Maybe she just wasn’t as passionate then as she was now…

“I hope not” Rachel mumbled softly, the confidence in her normal voice was not present at the words this time. She had no idea what would happen when Santana came home.

 

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Santana was only allowed five minutes of  phone  time a day and she was not allowed to call Rachel. Of course since it was a voluntary personal retreat, she didn’t have to follow the rules. She did because she knew it would help. That didn’t keep her from missing Rachel more than she could ever say, though. She wanted to tell her about her day, the amazing things she had discovered or talked about with the therapist, the goals she had made and the way she was making progress.

 

Every single moment that she was not talking about herself, her past, her trouble she was thinking about Rachel and the kids. She missed her family so much. Family. Just that word brought a smile to her face. It was the truth, though. She had a family and that was the most important thing to her, that much she had learned on the first day of the retreat.

“I think it’s really helping, Puck” Santana mumbled into the phone as she poked her plate of food on her bedside table. She was propped up against her headboard, her mindlessly killing time flipping channels and talking to Puck. “I’ve dealt with a lot of shit here. Rachel was right, I needed to get away from everything.”

“San, Rachel is right about just about everything.” He mumbled, laughing softly into the phone. His voice was cheerful. He had been the person Santana called every night,aside from Sunday when she had given her parents their usual phone call, and he could hear real progress in her voice. She seemed to really be feeling better.

“No shit” She rolled her eyes, but gave a laugh. Her smile was genuine. She felt happy. “This hasn’t been easy, though. Dude I had to talk about everything. Britt, my parents, high school, coming out. I felt like I was in a bad dream for most of it.”

“Sometimes we have to face the rough shit to realize the good shit we have in our lives.”

“When did you get so smart, Puckerman?”

“You live a little and you learn a lot, babe.”

Santana let out a warm laugh, shaking her head against the phone “If I were straight I’d still be all over you. Something about a badass with a sensitive side drives me wild.”

“Another thing you and Rachel have in common. Although it’s been a while since I’ve seen badass Santana.”

“Hey, watch it. I’ll go Lima Heights on your ass tomorrow.”

Puck let out a hearty laugh which made Santana laugh. The two of them shared a chuckle until the tone on the phone warned Santana there was only a minute left.

Sighing softly, a smile still on her lips Santana finally spoke “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, babe.”

“Damn right.” Santana laughed again before rolling her eyes “I love you, you big lug.”

“Love you too, softie.”

“Hey!” Santana said with another laugh, shaking her head again “Bye.” She dropped the phone onto the receiver then settled her head back against the wall. She sighed softly, her eyes closing as she took a moment to just reflect. It had been a long two weeks and finally she would be heading home tomorrow. She never felt more ready for anything in her life.

After a moment, she let out a sigh and opened her eyes. She reached into the bedside table drawer and pulled out a picture of Rachel and the kids. It was taken the first summer they were together and in true Rachel Berry fashion all of them had stage face smiles on, even little Sadie. Santana smiled, her thumb passing over Rachel’s face lightly “I’m coming home, baby.” She whispered softly, her eyes locked on the picture. This was her family and there was nothing she wanted more in the world than to be with them, no matter what.

 

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Puck’s truck rumbled up the driveway and to a stop, his breaks screeching was a dead giveaway that they had arrived. The day was bright, the sun was shining, and it seemed the even the birds were singing for her return home. Santana barely waited for the truck to stop before she had the door open and was dropping to her feet. 


She didn’t have to go far. The breaks on the truck had alerted the kids inside and as soon as she had gotten to the front of the truck, all three of them were there, wrapping their arms around her. Santana had leaned down and scooped her arms around them all, trying to kiss and hug them all at once, wishing she had more arms and lips to complete the task.

“My babies! I missed you so much.” She was trying not to cry, but the more the kids kissed and hugged her, the more it was growing impossible not to.

“Tana! We missed you. We love you!” The cries were coming all at once. Sadie was bawling as she clung to Santana. Charlie was bouncing happily with his grip on one of Santana’s arms, his face buried in her neck. Lucy was trying not to cry, but it was impossible as well and she let a few tears slip from her eyes as she held onto Santana waist tightly.

“Guys, you’re killing me here. I did my make up so I’d look pretty for you and now it’s all ruined” Santana said with a laugh through her tears as she continued to squeeze the kids. She didn’t want to move for a long time.

Rachel stood on the porch, a hand tucked under her chin as she grinned at the sight in front of her. She was already in tears. The love her kids showed Santana was all the more proof that this was exactly where they all belonged.

Puck came up to Rachel, him holding Santana’s bag, giving her a hug before he set it down and looked at the four of them as well “She took care of herself, Berry.” 

Rachel nodded her head, her swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat “I hope so.”

“She did” Puck assured her as he pulled her into a sideways hug, letting her little body lean in against his own “You’ll see. She is a whole new woman. Well, she is the woman we both know she can be deep inside.”

Rachel nodded, wrapping her arms around Puck and giving him a hug as she sniffed, trying to keep her tears under control.

It was another ten minutes before Santana was able to pry the kids off her. They had started to demand she come inside and see what they had made for her return and once by one they crawled off her and started to tug at her hands. She followed willingly, giving Rachel a smile as she walked by and into the house. When the kids were focused, you couldn’t distract them and before she knew it she was inside and in the kitchen where a banner that read “Welcome home, mami.”

Santana nearly lost it again at the banner. Never had her kids called her mom or any form of it. It had always been Santana or Tana. She bit her lip and tried not to cry again as the kids showed her all the snacks they had made, the pictures they had colored or painted, and the little pictures they had taken for her while they were gone. 

Rachel had moved inside with them, Puck right there beside her. He saw the banner and immediately knew Santana would love it. He looked down to Rachel and gave her a wink “You are so getting laid tonight.”

“Shut up, Puckerman” Rachel tried to snap but it was completely lost under a soft laugh and a blush on her cheeks as she nodded in agreement. There was no doubt about that.

He gave a soft laugh and kissed the top of her head “Mind if I stay for some food?”

“Of course not!” Rachel said with a smile, pushing at his hip for him to move toward the kitchen “Knock yourself out. You can take some home if you want.”

Puck came into the kitchen with a roar, the kids all jumping and giggling, calls of “Uncle Puckasarus!” came from the kids as he passed out hugs, even picking up Sadie and throwing her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. There was giggles and chatting as they all dug into the food.

Rachel stood at the doorway, watching the scene with a smile. She was glad Finn and Puck had remained close after high school and was even more pleased that Santana and Puck were friends. It was nice to have that male influence for the kids. They all made a great little family.

Rachel noticed that she didn’t see Santana. She frowned, pushing off the wall and about to step into the kitchen fully to look for her when she felt a hand on her arm. She jumped, having not expected it, but turned around quickly. 

She was greeted with Santana’s smiling face, her eyes sparkling with love as she stood in front of Rachel for the first time in two weeks. “Hey, Berry.” Santana said, fighting tears and a smirk all at once.

“Santana” Rachel said with a roll of her eyes, her smile so wide her face hurt.

“Did you miss me?” Santana asked, through the question was not necessary because Rachel’s face immediately dead panned into an obviously annoyed and slightly amused gaping stare at the Latina. This made Santana laugh and she stepped forward to slide hear arms around Rachel “Good because I missed you too.”

“I missed you so much. I couldn’t sleep most nights because you weren’t beside me.” Rachel’s pout was in full form as she slid her arms around Santana’s shoulder, lifting onto her toes to lay a kiss to her lips.

“I know. What the Hell is up with that? When did I get so dependant that I couldn’t sleep without someone beside me?” Santana laughed again. She couldn’t stop smiling, she hadn’t been this happy in forever.

Rachel rolled her eyes, swatting Santana lightly on the shoulder “You’re lucky I let you in my bed each night.” 

“Our bed” Santana corrected her with a smirk and Rachel nodded in agreement. She leaned in, her forehead coming to rest against Rachel’s forehead, her eyes locked with her brown orbs. Her fingers stroked through her long brown hair and she just soaked in the contact between the two of them.

Finally Santana took a deep breath and looked down at Rachel as she pulled back just enough to lifted her hand to her chin and pull it up as she leaned in to kiss her lips lightly. 

Rachel sighed, her eyes closing as her fingers gripping tightly at Santana’s shoulders as she took in the feel of the kiss she had longed to have for two weeks.

Santana held her hand there, pulling her into that kiss and making sure she felt it in her toes. It was soft but it was passionate, full of love and devotion, telling her everything she felt deep inside her and leaving no doubt that she was exactly where she wanted to be.

A soft noise left Rachel’s lips as she found herself taken over by the kiss, a shiver sliding through her spine, all the way to her toes. Her entire body tingled. She hadn’t been kissed like this in longer than she could remember.

It seemed to last forever and not long enough and Santana finally broke it. She licked her lips and as soon as Rachel’s eyes came open she smiled and ran her thumb over the girl’s lips lightly “I love you so much.”

Rachel nodded, kissing the thumb that passed over her lips, her eyes locked with Santana’s in a deep stare “I love you too Santana.”

Santana’s hand dropped and she took Rachel’s smaller hand in her own, giving it a squeeze before pulling her so they both walked into the kitchen together. She smiled as the kids and Puck were around the table, giggling and eating, everyone she loved all in one room together. Her heart was swelling.

“Can I have your attention?” Santana said, catching the group in a lull of their excited chatter. Their heads all turned and looked at Santana, Puck with a smirk on his lips as he bounced Sadie on his leg gently.

Rachel looked up at Santana curiously, giving her hand a squeeze, but didn’t say anything, curious as to what Santana had to say.

Santana smiled at the kids, and Puck, before she looked at Rachel and gave her a smile as well “The past two weeks have been some of the hardest times in my life but I’ve learned so much about myself.” She knew the kids wouldn’t really get what she was saying, maybe Lucy, but that was about it. “The past two weeks showed me the kind of person I was, the kind of person I was running from becoming, and the kind of person I want to be and I know now that I would be nothing and am nothing without my family.”

 

She smiled and looked at the kids “You kids, you are my family.” She glanced at Rachel and gave her hand another squeeze “And you, Rach, you have been my family for so long. Even in high school when we all yelled and fought and plotted against each other. We were still a family.”

Rachel smiled, giving her hand a squeeze. She did love a good speech to say thank you, she had given quite a few in her time in the Glee club.

“The biggest thing I was running from was myself” Santana continued, her eyes on Rachel now, focused so deeply on the girl she loved “I was afraid of so many things and all of those were things I could find wrong with myself or could go wrong with myself. I needed to remember I was worthy of being loved, genuinely loved, and once I remembered that I realized that you are the only one that has genuinely loved all of me, Rachel.”

Rachel nodded her head, lifting the hand she held to kiss at her knuckles softly “I really do.”

Santana smiled at this, squeezing Rachel’s hand again before she took another breath “I couldn’t be who I am without you in my life. I know who I want to be now, without a doubt, and I am willing to put it all on the line and give my everything to that, and to you, to this family.” She glanced up at the kids then back to Rachel with a nod. “This is it for me.”

Rachel bit her lip, she was starting to tear up a bit. Santana wasn’t exactly the most vocal person when it came to her feelings and this was one of the most beautiful things she had ever heard the Latina express.

“Rachel, I’m all in this, forever.” Santana said softly “And I wanted to prove that to you.”

Rachel had started to say that she didn’t need to prove it, but was cut off when Santana stepped back and suddenly she dropped to one knee.

Santana smiled, still holding Rachel’s hand, the other hand had produced a ring.

Rachel gasped and any tears she was holding back were now sliding down her cheeks.

“Rachel Barbra Berry, you are the best person I know, have known, and ever will know. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, loving you, fighting with you, being loved by you, and raising these kids as if there is no tomorrow. Together. Now I know it’s not legal here, but I don’t care. This is a symbol of my commitment to you, forever. Maybe we can wait until it is legal here, or maybe we can all move to New York and you can try out for Broadway one day but either way, I want to marry you, Rachel. One day, somehow, I want to declare in front of the world and everyone we love that I am yours, forever, and you are mine. No matter what. So, Rach, will you? Marry me one day? Be with me forever, no matter what?”

Rachel was in completely tears now. Her heart was racing and her hand shaking in Santana’s. This had been the last thing she had ever expected.

The kids watched in awe, big smiles on their faces. Puck had that dreamy look on his face that he got when he was so taken by something but would never admit to it. He had known it was coming and still he stared in complete happiness as the two girls.

Rachel realized she had been staring for more than a minute, her tears taking over, and quickly she let out a soft laugh mixed with a sob as she nodded “Yes, Santana, of course! I love you so much, I want to spend my life with you!”

Santana smiled, standing up quickly and wrapping her arms around Rachel, which was an easy task because the girl had all but leapt into her arms.

The kids giggled and Puck wiped a tear away.

“I love you” Santana mumbled softly, kissing Rachel’s neck before setting her on her feet again, pulling back to show the grin on her lips “Forever and ever, Rach. I promise.”

“Forever and ever” Rachel repeated, lifting her shaking hand up as Santana slid the ring on her finger. She squeaked as it fell into place, giggling as she threw her arms around Santana again.

The kids finally got up from the table, Puck too, and they all converged on the two girls and consumed them in a huge group hug. They weren’t your typical family, but they were one nonetheless and this was the first step down the road they would all take together.