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the gay gang

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[ richie tozier added eddie kaspbrak, ben hanscom, bill denbrough, mike hanlon, beverly marsh and stanley uris to “ the Losers club ” ]

 

[ Saturday 4:26am ]

 

richie tozier changed their nickname to “ trashcant

 

trashcant changed eddie kaspbrak’s nickname to “ richie’s bitch

 

trashcant changed mike hanlon’s nickname to “ micycle

 

trashcant changed ben hanscom’s nickname to “ BennyBabe

 

trashcant changed beverly marsh’s nickname to “ BevvyBoi

 

trashcant changed bill denbrough’s nickname to “ BillyBitch

 

trashcant changed stanley uris’ nickname to “ Stan the Man”

 

trashcant: welcome to Hell you funky little fuckers

 

[ Saturday 5:32am ]

 

richie’s bitch: choke

 

richie’s bitch changed their nickname to “ Eddie

 

trashcant changed Eddie ’s nickname to “ Spagheddie

 

trashcant: if thats what you’re into baby ;)

 

spagheddie: i despise you

 

trashcant: gasp

 

trashcant: Eds :o

 

trashcant: no lying on my good suburban server!

 

spagheddie: shut up and don’t call me that

 

BillyBitch: hi yes why the FUCK are you two awake

 

trashcant: i was looking at memes

 

spagheddie: i was getting a drink

 

trashcant: drinking??

 

trashcant: at this time of day???

 

trashcant: who are you and what have you done with my lover????

 

spagheddie: milk you idiot

 

spagheddie: and dont call me that im not your lover

 

trashcant: stop denying our love

 

Stan the Man: I hate both of you.

 

spagheddie: what did i do???

 

Stan the Man: You engaged with him.

 

trashcant: i fucking wish eddie was engaged to me

 

spagheddie: with. he said WITH

 

BennyBabe: blease,, im begging you all,, go to sleep

 

Stan the Man: Yes, do as Ben says.

 

trashcant: never!!

 

spagheddie: Richie.

 

trashcant: welp thats my cue to hit the hay!

 

trashcant: goodnight y’all!

 

spagheddie: Y’ALL

 

BennyBabe: y’all

 

BillyBitch: y’all

 

Stan the Man: Y’all.

 

BevvyBoi: y’all

 

micycle: y’all

 

trashcant: where the fuck did you two even come from??

 

micycle: watch your language cowboy

 

BevvyBoi: howdy pardner

 

BennyBabe: i said go to sleep why did the rest of you wake up

 

BevvyBoi: spite

 

spagheddie: wow it really do be ya own

 

BennyBabe: :(

 

trashcant: B)

 

Stan the Man: No.

 

[ Saturday 3:23pm ]

 

BillyBitch: richie where tf are you???

 

BillyBitch: you were supposed to be at the quarry half an hour ago

 

spagheddie: that idiots probably asleep

 

Stan the Man: That’s what happens when you stay up late to make a groupchat nobody wants.

 

BevvyBoi: tea

 

spagheddie: call him out stan!

 

Stan the Man: I just did.

 

spagheddie: why do stans texts sound so aggressive

 

micycle: its an intimidation tactic known as proper grammar

 

spagheddie: its working

 

Stan the Man: I know.

 

spagheddie: ⚆ _ ⚆

 

BillyBitch: why are you gays still texting when we’re all together?

 

micycle: do you mean guys?

 

BillyBitch: did i stutter?

 

micycle: well..

 

spagheddie: HDGJFHHS MIKE

 

BillyBitch: blocked

 

micycle: didnt they tell you that i was a savage

 

BevvyBoi: i think you broke eddie

 

micycle: eddie machine broke

 

BennyBabe: hes gonna wheeze to death

 

trashcant: somebody record it i wanna see him laughing

 

micycle: of course now you choose to reply

 

trashcant: mike

 

trashcant: the video

 

trashcant: blease

 

BevvyBoi: [eddielaughing468.mov]

 

trashcant: id die for you

 

BevvyBoi: [obamaeyes.jpg]

 

micycle: 468??

 

micycle: you have 468 videos of eddie laughing??

 

BevvyBoi: some of them are pictures

 

micycle: still?

 

BevvyBoi: i lov him

 

BillyBitch: i love eddie too but 468 videos/pictures of him? Really?

 

BevvyBoi: no theres 468 videos and pics of him laughing

 

BevvyBoi: theres still 749 other eddie content

 

spagheddie: about 85% of my camera roll is bev

 

spagheddie: mlm/wlw solidarity bitchesss

 

Dumb bi >> Superior bi

 

[ Saturday 4:58pm ]

 

Dumb bi: leak the eddie stash you coward

 

Superior bi: what will i get in return

 

Dumb bi: whatever you want

 

Dumb bi: keep in mind ive only got like 8 dollars to my name

 

Superior bi: hmm

 

Superior bi: ill get back to you about my payment

 

Superior bi: [attachment.240images]

 

Dumb bi: ik you have more than that

 

Superior bi: you have to earn them

 

Dumb bi: Understandable have a good day.

 

the Losers club

 

[ Sunday 3:56am ]

 

trashcant: wait we were meant to hang out today?

 

spagheddie: BYE

Chapter Text

the Losers club

 

[ Tuesday 5:32pm ]

 

BennyBabe: are you a coffee gay or a tea gay? Im a tea gay for sure

 

trashcant: im an energy drink bi

 

BevvyBoi: im a milkshake bi

 

micycle: i love me some refreshing water

 

Stan the Man: I’m a tea gay.

 

BillyBitch: im a soda lovin pan

 

spagheddie: im a smoothie gay 100%

 

BennyBabe: only one of you actually answered my question?

 

spagheddie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

BennyBabe: sigh

 

BennyBabe: thank you Stan and Stan only

 

Stan the Man: You’re welcome.

 

trashcant: whats your favorite smoothie eds

 

spagheddie: thats not my name!!

 

spagheddie: mango and orange

 

trashcant: adorable

 

BillyBitch: its a smoothie??

 

trashcant: ADORABLE.

 

BillyBitch: im so confused

 

micycle: just go with it

 

micycle: thats what the rest of us are doing

 

BevvyBoi: the rest of us are ignoring him

 

BevvyBoi changed trashcant’s nickname to whipped bitch

 

BennyBabe: no printer just fax

 

spagheddie: i dont approve of this

 

whipped bitch: yeah you tell em babe!

 

spagheddie: hes more of a bastard than a bitch

 

whipped bitch: EDS!!

 

BillyBitch changed whipped bitch ’s nickname to “ whipped bastard

 

BillyBitch: u rite

 

whipped bastard: i hate this fuckiNG FAMILY

 

Stan the Man: No, you don’t.

 

whipped bastard: no i dont

 

micycle: soft

 

whipped bastard: hellz yea i am

 

spagheddie: i could help you with that

 

whipped bastard: what

 

whipped bastard: WHAT

 

BillyBitch: oh my god

 

BennyBabe: EDDIE

 

BevvyBoi: richie.exe has stopped working

 

micycle: eddie,, why

 

spagheddie: i can feel the disappointment through the screen

 

BevvyBoi: im pretty proud of you

 

BillyBitch: same

 

BillyBitch: you finally made richie shut up

 

BillyBitch: thats impressive

 

BennyBabe: help richie with his soft dick OUTSIDE the gc

 

BennyBabe: smh

 

spagheddie: i was kiddiNG

 

spagheddie: i would never go anywhere near richies dick

 

Stan the Man: Sure Jan.

 

spagheddie: stan no

 

Stan the Man: Stan yes.

 

micycle: stan yes

 

BillyBitch: stan yes

 

BennyBabe: stan yes

 

BevvyBoi: stan yes

 

whipped bastard: okay i have recovered

 

mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon

[ Tuesday 7:13 ]

 

mediocre boyscout: it took you ten minutes to recover from a text?

 

literal demon: it wasnt just a text billy

 

literal demon: it was a kinky text

 

literal demon: from EDDIE

 

literal demon: aimed at ME

 

mediocre boyscout: thats gay

 

literal demon: none of us are straight bill

 

mediocre boyscout: oh yah lol

 

Carry on my Gayward Son

 

[ Tuesday 7:16 ]

 

Actually loving Mom: eddies being gay on main again

 

Chaotic Gay: i sent it without thinking ogay?

 

DenBro: maybe ogay will be our always

 

Actually alive Dad: did you change my name while i was sleeping again

 

Actually alive Dad: this is so depressing Eddie why??

 

Chaotic Gay: it wasnt me this time i swear!!

 

Actually loving mom: in my defence i got the go ahead from eddie first

 

Actually alive Dad: oh my god Bev!

 

Actually alive Dad: yours is even worse!!

 

Actually loving Mom: but babe

 

Actually loving Mom: we match!!

 

Actually alive Dad: Bev i love you so much but what the heck

 

Chaotic Gay: when you and bae have matching usernames * heart eyes emoji *

 

Actually alive Dad: why did you type it out

 

DenBro: because hes gay Ben

 

DenBro: also those usernames are reminding why i want to protect eddie from everything wrong in the world

 

DenBro: i love you bro

 

Chaotic Gay: ༼ つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ

 

Chaotic Gay: i love you too bitch

 

DenBro: <3333

 

Actually alive Dad: :’) i love watching my friends love eachother

 

DenBro: kinky

 

Chaotic Gay: kinky

 

Actually loving Mom: kinky

 

Actually alive Dad: those all came in at exactly the same time smh

 

Actually alive Dad: get your minds out of the gutter dammit

 

Actually loving Mom changed Actually alive Dad ’s nickname to “ Dilf

 

Actually loving Mom changed their nickname to “ Milf

 

Dilf: disguss ting










Chapter Text

the Losers club

[ Wednesday 2:34am ]

 

micycle: regina george is a lesbian

 

spagheddie: ugh ur mind

 

BevvyBoi: u rite

 

BillyBitch: in this house we are regina stans first and human beans second

 

Stan the Man: beans are fuckibg disgusting shut up

 

spagheddie: stans hatred for beans overrides his need for perfect grammar

 

BevvyBoi: a typo and inproper punctuation all in one sentence?

 

BevvyBoi: from stan???

 

BevvyBoi: are we in some sort of alternate universe????

 

micycle: the simulation is broken

 

Stan the Man: Your incessant texting woke me up.

 

BillyBitch: it was four texts?

 

Stan the Man: That’s too many.

 

micycle: ogay but am i right or am i right

 

Stan the Man: You’re correct.

 

micycle: so you agree

 

micycle: you think she’s really gay

 

Stan the Man: She’s too gay to function.

 

micycle: FGGGGH

 

micycle: marry me

 

Stan the Man: Buy me a nice ring, then we’ll talk.

 

BevvyBoi: GASP

 

spagheddie: GASP

 

Stan the Man: The fact that those came in at the exact same time makes me think you two spend too much time together.

 

BevvyBoi: we spend a perfectly reasonable amount of time together thank you very much

 

spagheddie: yea! Perfectly reasonable!!

 

micycle: arent you at bevs house rn?

 

spagheddie: mayhaps

 

spagheddie: but so what?? Friends cant have sleepovers before school starts??

 

micycle: most friends dont stay at eachothers houses all day and night everyday for two weeks

 

micycle: seriously when did you last go home

 

Stan the Man: Is everything okay at home Eddie?

 

spagheddie: of course!! I just like spending time with my friend!!

 

Beverly Marsh >> Stanley Uris, Mike Hanlon

 

[ Wednesday 3:09am ]

 

Beverly Marsh: drop it gays

 

Mike Hanlon: you got it chief

 

Stanley Uris: Fine.

 

Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay

 

[ Wednesday 3:11am ]

 

Distinguished Gay: I know you said everything’s okay but I’m your friend, I know when you’re lying. If something’s wrong you can talk to me.

 

Distinguished Gay: One gay to another.

 

Disaster Gay: ik you only said that last part to cheer me up

 

Distinguished Gay: Did it work?

 

Disaster Gay: you know it did

 

Disaster Gay: stuffs just not great with my mom rn

 

Disaster Gay: or even less great than usual

 

Disaster Gay: shes been more overbearing than usual about pills recently because she thinks they’ll make me “normal” and i just cant be around her

 

Disaster Gay: ik i cant stay at bevs forever tho so ill have to go back soon and itll be ten times worse than before

 

Disaster Gay: i dont really wanna think about it until i have to okay

 

Distinguished Gay: I’m sorry for pushing it. I’m also sorry your mom’s a raging bitch.

 

Disaster Gay: HDGJDGJDFH MAYBE SO

 

Distinguished Gay: If your mom gets too much to handle when you go home you can stay with me. My parents probably won’t let you stay as long as Beverly’s aunt would, but a few nights would be fine. I understand if you would prefer to stay at somebody else’s house.

 

Disaster Gay: no id love to stay with you Stan wtf

 

Disaster Gay: thank you sm <333

 

Disaster Gay: and thanks for texting me

 

Disaster Gay: love you Stan

 

Distinguished Gay: <3

 

the Losers club

 

[ Wednesday 3:42am ]

 

BevvyBoi: what can i say im just eddies favorite ig

 

whipped bastard: that is not correct, because according to the encyclopedia of fjfjgjhfjfj

 

BillyBitch: im surprised you can even spell encyclopedia

 

spagheddie: FKFFHFKKFKFH

 

BevvyBoi: Richie Tozier found dead in miami

 

spagheddie: bills rlly living up to his nickname huh

 

whipped bastard: eds

 

whipped bastard: tell bev shes wrong

 

spagheddie: sorry babe lyings a sin and im a child of god

 

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout

 

[ Wednesday 3:43am ]

 

literal demon: BABE!!!

 

mediocre boyscout: BABE!!

 

literal demon: FKDDFKGYTUFJBK

 

mothman >> (wheeze)

 

[ Wednesday 3:44am ]

 

mothman: i just read back through the groupchat

 

mothman: im gonna deprive your mom of all this for ATLEAST a month

 

mothman: [ video.mp3 ]

 

(wheeze): did you just send me a video of you,, gesturing to yourself

 

mothman: my text doesnt have the same effect without the gesture eds

 

(wheeze): ur an idiot

 

mothman: u luv it

 

(wheeze): i guess

 

mothman: GASP

 

mothman: IM SWOONING

 

mothman: my eds flirting with lil ol’ me

 

(wheeze): IM NOT FLIRTING SHUT UP

 

mothman: shouting doesnt change the truth eds

 

mothman: you set out to sweep me off my feet and oh boy have you succeeded

 

(wheeze): all i said was i guess

 

mothman: but i knew well enough what you meant sweetheart

 

(wheeze): what was the purpose of you texting me

 

mothman: eds, baby, my love, my life

 

mothman: had to make sure you knew id punish your mother for hurting my man

 

mothman: in more ways than one ;))

 

(wheeze): you just said you werent gonna fuck my mom and now youre implying you will??

 

(wheeze): youre doing a shit job of defending my honor

 

(wheeze): smh it really do be ya own

 

mothman: sorry gorgeous

 

mothman: but the dick wants what it wants

 

(wheeze): youre a dick alright

 

mothman: im a huge dick babe ;)

 

(wheeze): you got that right

 

mothman: so wyd

 

mothman: wait

 

mothman: HEY

 

(wheeze): djdffdjdj

 

the Losers club

 

[ Wednesday 8:42am ]

 

BennyBabe: every damn day i wake up to find out that once again, you sleep deprived losers have forgone sleeping to blow up my phone like the gremlins you are

 

BennyBabe: all i ask for is one day without one of you sending weird shit at the dead of night and sparking conversation

 

[ Thursday 3:22am ]

 

Whipped bastard: the easter bunny is just jesus’ fursona if you think about it

 

BennyBabe: GODAMNIT RICHIE





Chapter Text

the Losers club

 

[ Thursday 6:22pm ]

 

spagheddie changed whipped bastard ’s nickname to trashcant

 

trashcant: order has been restored

 

[ Thursday 7:43pm ]

 

BillyBitch: school is hell and i want death

 

BevvyBoi: big mood

 

spagheddie: big same

 

trashcant: big me

 

micycle: is there context behind your text or is that a general statement?

 

trashcant: stop using fancy words youre gonna give stan a boner

 

spagheddie: you fool

 

spagheddie: that was his plan

 

Stan the Man: Keep my good name out of your filthy mouths, gremlins.

 

BillyBitch: eh

 

BillyBitch: your name’s mediocre at best

 

Stan the Man: Fucker.

 

BevvyBoi: d r a g  h i m

 

trashcant: the tea is piping

 

BennyBabe: HI SISTERS

 

spagheddie: still cant believe bens a james charles stan

 

BennyBabe: im not i just live for the drama in the makeup industry

 

trashcant: wow ben really is That messy bitch

 

BennyBabe: maybeso.gif

 

micycle: eddie said that to me irl the other day

 

micycle: he straight up said “maybeso.gif” like thats a normal thing that normal people say ever

 

spagheddie: nothing i do is straight

 

BevvyBoi: nothing he says is normal

 

spagheddie: hEY

 

BillyBitch: w a s t e d

 

spagheddie: my own bff,, turned against me,

 

spagheddie: this betrayal runs deep,,

 

Stan the Man: The gays are being dramatic again.

 

micycle: you’re gay?

 

BennyBabe: And what about it?

 

BillyBitch: CGJMHI BROKDE MY JFICKIN KLEG

 

BevvyBoi: kleg

 

spagheddie: klEG

 

trashcant: kleg hurty jiuce

 

BevvyBoi: jiuce

 

spagheddie: jiuCE

 

BillyBitch: oh how the turntables

 

BillyBitch: BUT ANYWAYS

 

BillyBitch: leg machine broke

 

BennyBabe: bill,, sweatie,, what the heck did you do

 

BillyBitch: i was working on my moves and i fell out of the treehouse and broke my leg

 

BevvyBoi: you practise flirting in your treehouse??

 

micycle: i think he means dancing

 

trashcant: children cast your votes

 

trashcant: did bill fall out of his treehouse because he was flirting or because he was dancing

 

spagheddie: this is bill we’re talking about

 

spagheddie: flirting 100%

 

Stan the Man: I agree with Eddie.

 

BennyBabe: ive seen bill dance

 

BennyBabe: i hope for his sake he was practising dance moves

 

BillyBitch: o u c h

 

BillyBitch: that hurt almost as much as breaking my leg

 

trashcant: sometimes you gotta macarena through the pain Billiam

 

spagheddie: fhkfhjfhk

 

BillyBitch: fuck you richie

 

BillyBitch: youre all wrong

 

BillyBitch: i was neither dancing nor flirting

 

BillyBitch: i was trying to do cool new tricks on my heelies

 

micycle: h-heelies?

 

Stan the Man: You broke your leg trying to do tricks on your heelies?

 

BennyBabe: you fell out of a treehouse,, because you were messing in your heelies

 

BillyBitch: I WASNT MESSING BEN I WAS PRACTISING MY CRAFT

 

BillyBitch: MAYBE IF YOU HAD A BUSINESS THAT YOU WERE PASSIONATE ABOUT THEN YOUD UNDERSTAND BUT YOU DONT

 

BevvyBoi: wait if you broke your leg wouldnt they take your phone while they do hospital shit

 

micycle: hospital shit

 

BevvyBoi: shut

 

BillyBitch: im not in the hospital

 

micycle: ??

 

BillyBitch: my parents wont answer the phone and georgie is at his friends house so im still home

 

BevvyBoi: are you still on the ground

 

BillyBitch: well i couldnt exactly WALK to the hospital with a BROKEN LEG

 

Stan the Man: This is the best day of my life.

 

Stan the Man: I can see him from my window.

 

Stan the Man: [brokenbill.jpg]

 

BennyBabe: BROKEN BILL

 

BevvyBoi: IM SCREAMING WHY IS HE FOLDED LIKE THAT

 

BevvyBoi:  HE LOOKS LIKE A PAPER CRANE

 

trashcant: eddies gonna burst a blood vessel from laughing so hard

 

trashcant: bill break your bones more often this is amazing

 

BillyBitch: im not gonna break my bones just so you can watch eddie laugh!!!

 

trashcant: bill blease

 

trashcant changed BillyBitch ’s nickname to s[he’s] br[ok]en”

 

spagheddie: wait bill how long have you been lying there

 

Stan the Man: He’s not there anymore I just saw Mike pick him up and drive off with him.

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: i needed a hero..

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: I held out for a hero til the end of the night

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: He had to be strong and he had to be fast and he had to be fresh from the fight

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: I needed a hero

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: I held out for a hero til the morning light

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: He had to be sure

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: And it had to be soon

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: And he had to be hot and named Mike

 

BennyBabe: breaking your bones changed you

 

BevvyBabe: hes always been a freak babe

 

BennyBabe: youre not wrong

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: my fellow Bs,, turned against me

 

BevvyBabe: who are you?? Eddie??

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: no i could never fuck richie

 

spagheddie: i never fucked richie??

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: dammit

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: i thought if i said it youd slip up and expose yourself

 

spagheddie: but i didnt fuck him so theres nothing to expose

 

trashcant: exactly

 

trashcant: i fucked him

 

BevvyBoi: Eddie, sweetie. Im so sorry. Im so sorry that a ugly ass bitch like this would even say that, oh my god.

 

spagheddie: friendship with fake bitches canceled bevs my only friend now

 

BennyBabe: what did i do??

 

Stan the Man: I have done nothing wrong.

 

micycle: what about me????

 

spagheddie: i canceled all of you for e m p a s i s

 

Stan the Man: You spelt ‘emphasis’ wrong.

 

spagheddie: this is why youre canceled

 

micycle: bill has a cast and he is asleep

 

trashcant: ill be there in five

 

spagheddie: youre leaving me?

 

BevvyBoi: gay

 

trashcant: sorry babe duty calls

 

spagheddie: what are you even doing???

 

trashcant: thats on a need to know basis

 

[ Friday 10:07am ]

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: richie you fuckface

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: THERE ARE DICKS

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: ALL OVER MY FUCKING CAST

 

spagheddie: GDHGDVGCFHSFHGCFGS

 

trashcant: thats my cue to skidaddle on outta here

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: RICHIE


Chapter Text

the Losers club

 

[ Wednesday 19:03 ]

 

trashcant: it’s October third

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: Aaron samuels could catch this bussy

 

BennyBabe: it’s., it’s literally the 31st?

 

spagheddie: he didn’t realize it was October until just now

 

spagheddie: he’s making up for lost time

 

Stan the Man: How did you not realize it was October? The month's nearly over.

 

trashcant: Eds cute face distracted me

 

BevvyBoi: fair

 

BennyBabe: for 31 days?

 

trashcant: he’s just that cute what can I say

 

spagheddie: he’s lying he thought it was still the summer because of how many school days he skipped

 

trashcant: you’re right but you shouldn’t say it

 

micycle: why were you skipping school??

 

trashcant: I thought it was still summer

 

trashcant: Ed’s already established this keep up micycle

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: don’t sass him

 

BevvyBoi: billy,,,

 

BevvyBoi: how’ve you been,,,,,

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: idk what’s going on but I don’t like it

 

BevvyBoi: nothing,, just wondering if you’ve been listening to any new music recently,,,

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: EDDIE WHAT DID YOU TELL HER

 

spagheddie: I DID NOTHING

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: LIAR

 

BennyBabe: what’s going on

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: EDDIES A RAT

 

BevvyBoi: BILLS AN EMO

 

trashcant: I miss when he straightened his bangs

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: SHUT UP IM NOT EMO

 

BevvyBoi: THEN WHY DID EDDIE HEAR YOU PLAYING THE NEW TØP ALBUM HMM

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: HE HEARD NOTHING

 

s[he’s] br[ok]en: NOTHING I TELL YOU

 

spagheddie: the entire street heard you billy

 

spagheddie: it’s okay just admit it bill

 

micycle changed s[he’s] br[ok]en’s nickname toEmo Thot”

 

Emo Thot: this is cyber bullying

 

Stan the Man: Endure it, emo.

 

trashcant changed Emo Thot ’s nickname to Hot Topic Emo

 

BennyBabe: gamers are the most discriminated against group in the world

 

micycle: wh

 

BevvyBoi: wh

 

Stan the Man: wh

 

spagheddie: wh

 

trashcant: so true Ben T . T

 

Hot Topic Emo: f

 

trashcant: f

 

micycle: this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE

 

BevvyBoi: we been knew

 

spagheddie: I blame Richie

 

Stan the Man: me too

 

BevvyBoi: same

 

BennyBabe: same

 

Hot Topic Emo: same

 

micycle: same

 

trashcant: what in the fuck

 

trashcant: ??? I’m a deLIGHT

 

trashcant: bitches really ain’t shit

 

BevvyBoi: what time are we meeting at??

 

Hot Topic Emo: me and Georgie are going trick or treating in like 10 minutes so about 8:30/9??

 

Stan the Man: Georgie and I

 

Hot Topic Emo: ?? I’m taking him not you??

 

BennyBabe: oh bill

 

micycle: oh bill

 

micycle: DRIFT

 

BennyBabe: DRIFT

 

BevvyBoi: what’s Georgie dressing as

 

Hot Topic Emo: he insisted on being a witch

 

Hot Topic Emo: mom tried to pick up a wizard costume but he said witches are cooler so now he’s wearing an 8 year old girls witch costume

 

BevvyBoi: I love him

 

spagheddie: rt

 

trashcant: rt

 

BennyBabe: rt

 

micycle: rt

 

Stan the Man: rt

 

trashcant: wait

 

trashcant: you and Georgie do matching costumes each year

 

trashcant: are you his cat you furry bitch

 

spagheddie: HSHCBXJCJDHF

 

spagheddie: IM SCREAMING

 

spagheddie: I ANSWERED THE DOOR

 

spagheddie: AND BILLS STANDING THERE

 

spagheddie: WITH LIKE A MILLION PIECES OF STRAW STICKING OUT OF HIS HAIR

 

Hot Topic Emo: trick or treat Bitch

 

spagheddie: [billandgeorgie.jpg]

 

BevvyBoi: I-

 

BevvyBoi has changed Hot Topic Emo ‘s nickname to Bill the Broom

 

Bill the Broom: listen

 

Bill the Broom: Georgie insisted and I love my brother too much to say no

 

trashcant: soft

 

Bill the Broom: you have never said no to Eddie in your life ever you don’t get to judge me bitch

 

BevvyBoi: whoomp there it is

 

trashcant: I say no to Eddie all the time

 

micycle: last week you carried eddie up six steep flights of stairs all because he said he was tired

 

BennyBabe: one time you spent the entire day bending awkwardly to shield eddies eyes from the sun because he said it was annoying him

 

Stan the Man: You literally ran to the school and back to get Eddie‘s book for him because he didn’t want to do the work at lunch. It’s a twenty minute run.

 

Bill the Broom: when we were twelve you broke your leg falling out of a tree because Eddie said he wanted one of the leaves and you were determined to find the prettiest one for him

 

BevvyBoi: any time eddies in the car you make sure to drive the long way around just because Eddie doesn’t like the Paul bunion statue

 

BevvyBoi: that’s like six dollars worth of gas and you drive Eddie everywhere

 

trashcant: he fixes my car for free!! It’s a fair exchange!!

 

Carry on my Gayward Son

 

[ Wednesday 19:43 ]

 

Chaotic Gay: does Richie is gay for me???

 

Milf: Eddie I love you but you’re a dumb gay

 

Dilf: finally

 

DenBro: reply in the groupchat or it’ll get awkward and I don’t need you gays ruining Halloween

 

Chaotic Gay: okay broom boy

 

the Losers club

 

[ Wednesday 19:47 ]

 

spagheddie: gay

 

trashcant: you’re a walking rainbow flag what kinda wack hypocrisy is this

 

BevvyBoi: hypocrisy doesn’t look real

 

BennyBabe: me: knows it’s pronounced hip-aw-Chris-ee

 

BennyBabe: My last brain cell: hippo-cry-sea

 

Bill the Broom: I think Ben is dyslexic

 

BennyBabe: [andwhataboutit.gif]

 

mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon

 

[ Wednesday 20:24 ]

 

literal demon: I’ve just arrived at eddies house

 

literal demon: bill im so gay

 

mediocre boyscout: what that Boy do

 

literal demon: he’s wearing a bACKPACK

 

literal demon: MY HEART CANT HANDLE THIS MUCH LOVE

 

mediocre boyscout: Richie

 

mediocre boyscout: he wears a backpack to school

 

mediocre boyscout: e v e r y d a y

 

literal demon: everyday bro?

 

mediocre boyscout: fuck outta here with your Jake Pauler shit

 

mediocre boyscout: it’s logang for life, fuckface

 

literal demon: GASP

 

the Losers club

 

[ Wednesday 20:26 ]

 

trashcant: GATHER ROUND YALL ITS TIME FOR OUR DAILY DISCOURSE

 

trashcant: Jake Paul or Logan Paul?

 

BevvyBoi: gotta go with Jake

 

BevvyBoi: he’s the lesser evil of the two

 

BennyBabe: I don’t like either but Logan’s videos are more entertaining

 

Bill the Broom: this is why Ben is the favorite

 

Stan the Man: Isn’t Jake racist?

 

Stan the Man: Neither are particularly enticing options but I’ll go with Logan.

 

micycle: gotta agree with Stan here

 

spagheddie: neither. Tessa Brooks or death.

 

trashcant: Eds has the only valid answer love you so much baby

 

spagheddie: eat shit dickhead

 

trashcant: uwu

 

BevvyBoi: the competitions shook

 

spagheddie: THESE BOYS UP ON ME

 

BevvyBoi: I GOT EM BY THE HOOK

 

spagheddie: LEMME EDUCATE YA

 

BevvyBoi: AND I AINT TALKIN BOOKS

 

trashcant: [eddiebeingeddie.jpg]

 

trashcant: W O W

 

BevvyBoi: THAT SMILE

 

BevvyBoi: THE CUTEST

 

BevvyBoi: I LOVE ONE (1) MAN

 

BennyBabe: aw

 

BevvyBoi: I LOVE TWO (2) MEN

 

micycle: stan says this is anti Semitic and homophobic

 

trashcant: oh you’re typing for him now? ;)

 

micycle: shut

 

BevvyBoi: I LOVE THREE (3) MEN

 

micycle: I bought you a milkshake yesterday

 

BevvyBoi: I LOVE FOUR (4) MEN

 

Bill the Broom: I just wanna be loved

 

BevvyBoi: I,, love five (5) men?

 

trashcant: saving the best till last I see B)

 

BevvyBoi: :) i love Five (5) men

 

trashcant: hEY

 

trashcant: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU

 

BevvyBoi: you peed in my shoe

 

trashcant: accidentally

 

spagheddie: you Still peed in it

 

trashcant: a c c i d e n t a l l y

 

spagheddie: how do you accidentally piss in someone’s shoe?? You were sober

 

trashcant: I thought it was MY shoe

 

spagheddie: hello, 911?

 

Bill the Broom: isn’t Richie at your house? Why are you two texting when you’re beside eachother

 

spagheddie: we’re being inclusive you discriminatory bitch

 

trashcant: fuck you bill you racist fuck

 

trashcant: maybe next time you’ll think about what you say, asshole

 

trashcant: smh can’t believe homophobia is thriving in this day and age

 

trashcant: you disgust me

 

Bill the Broom: sTOP SWEARING GEORGIE WAS READING OVER MY SOLDIER

 

trashcant: that sounds like a you problem

 

micycle: protect him from your cruel bigotry

 

Bill the Broom: you’re all dramatic as fuck

 

BevvyBoi: as gays, it is our god given right to be dramatic

 

spagheddie: Period.

 

trashcant: Period.

 

BennyBabe: Period.

 

Stan the Man: Period.

 

micycle: Period.

 

Bill the Broom: s i g h

 

Bill the Broom: just hurry up and get to my house I wanna eat something before we leave

 

BennyBabe: are we sure this is a good idea

 

BevvyBoi: ghost hunting in the Neibolt House is the best idea we’ve ever had babe

 

BevvyBoi: all seven of our brain cells worked together to produce it

 

Stan the Man: That House terrifies me.

 

micycle: this is what I get for befriending white people

 

micycle: if any of you break out a oujia board I’m leaving you there to die

 

trashcant: nobody’s gonna die

 

spagheddie: then what is the point??

 

BevvyBoi: then what’s the point??

 

BevvyBoi: DRIFT

 

spagheddie: DRIFT

 

Bill the Broom: GAYS!

 

Bill the Broom: FOCUS

 

Bill the Broom: COME TO MY HOME! N O W

 

trashcant: we’re coming faster than Eddies mom did last night

 

spagheddie: someone will die and it will be Richie

 

Stan the Man: Good.

 

Country Boy >> I luhv youuu

 

[ Wednesday 20:57 ]

 

Country Boy: hey are you sure you’re okay? You’ve hardly texted all day and you’ve been quieter than usual irl too

 

I luhv youuu: I just really don’t like that house.

 

I luhv youuu: I know it’s stupid to be afraid of some old building when I’m 17 years old but it scares the shit out of me.

 

Country Boy: if it’s stupid to be scared shitless of that house then I guess I’m stupid

 

Country Boy: I’ll be with you the entire time tho I promise

 

Country Boy: and if it gets too much to handle I’ll take you back to bills and we can chill there

 

I luhv youuu: I don’t want to ruin your night.

 

Country Boy: you won’t be ruining it I already told you I’m not keen on the idea anyway

 

Country Boy: and besides, spending time with you is the best Halloween plan I can think of

 

I luhv youuu: Alright then.

 

I luhv youuu: Thanks, Mike.

 

Country Boy: No problem Stan.

 

I luhv youuu: Shut up.

 

Country Boy: Make me.

 

mothman >> (wheeze)

 

[ Wednesday 21:01 ]

 

(wheeze): i just saw Stan Kiss Mike

 

(wheeze): i was stuck under the chair so they didn’t notice me and now they’re making out

 

(wheeze): Richie THeres no way to escape without drawing attention to myself pls help

 

(wheeze): if I move the chair will fall

 

mothman: how did you get stuck under a chair

 

(wheeze): bev bet me five dollars that i couldn’t fit underneath it and I needed the money but then I got stuck and she took photos then left

 

(wheeze): but that’s not important Richie stan will murder me if he knows I’m here you gotta help

 

mothman: i don’t gotta do anything

 

(wheeze): please Rich?

 

mothman: be there in a second

 

(wheeze): thank you <3

 

mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon

 

[ Wednesday 21:03 ]

 

literal demon: im gay

 

mediocre boyscout: did you just break my fucking cupboards

 

mothman >> (wheeze)

 

[ Wednesday 21:04 ]

 

(wheeze): when I said help me I didn’t mean wreck bills kitchen

 

mothman: how should I have known the door would open hard enough to make everything fall off the walls

 

(wheeze): why was it necessary to use that much force??

 

(wheeze): don’t you dare make a joke about my mom

 

mothman: but you practically handed that to me

 

mothman: and I was trying to make them aware of my presence so they would think I don’t know about them

 

mothman: i was being a considerate friend!! Stan probably doesn’t want anyone knowing yet!!

 

(wheeze): wow i love you

 

mothman: i love you too sugartits

 

(wheeze): Choke.

 

mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon

 

[ Wednesday 21:08 ]

 

literal demon: [textswitheddie.jpg]

 

mediocre boyscout: he said he loves you,, and you called him sugartits,,,

 

mediocre boyscout: also what’s with the scribbles over the other texts??

 

literal demon: just more of me being gay for Eddie don’t worry about it

 

mediocre boyscout: okay dumbass

 

literal demon: wh

 

the Losers club

 

[ Wednesday 21:13 ]

 

BevvyBoi: well I’m guessing that ideas out of the question now

 

BevvyBoi: you bring shame upon your fellow Bisexuals Richie

 

trashcant: I came out here for a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now

 

Bill the Room: okay we need to be quick about this luckily the crash didn’t wake my parents or Georgie but we don’t know how long they’ll stay asleep

 

Bill the Broom: Bev Eddie and Mike you three are gonna try getting everything back onto the wall

 

Bill the Broom: Ben and Stan you two clear up all the broken dishes and any other mess on the floor

 

Bill the Broom: Richie you’ll come with me to buy new dishes and whatever else needs replacing

 

micycle: so no neibolt house?

 

Bill the Broom: no not this year

 

Bill the Broom: hopefully next year SOMEBODY doesn’t fuck things up for us

 

trashcant: again; feeling attacked!

 

mothman >> (wheeze)

 

[ Wednesday 21:22 ]

 

mothman: you see the abuse I’m putting up with for you??

 

(wheeze): im sorry Richie

 

mothman: you owe me big time Eds

 

(wheeze): that’s fair

 

(wheeze): you’re not actually upset are you?

 

mothman: nah nobody can stay mad at this fine specimen for long

 

(wheeze): fine isn’t the word I’d use but okay

 

mothman: Need i remind you the reason anyone’s mad in the first place is because I was helping you?

 

(wheeze): touché

 

mothman: thought so

 

(wheeze): <3

 

mothman: <3

 

Country Boy >> I luhv youuu

 

[ Wednesday 21:24 ]

 

Country Boy: looks like we don’t have to worry about neibolt house after all

 

I luhv youuu: Apparently not.

 

Country Boy: guess you’ll have to wait till next year to hold my hand when you get scared then

 

I luhv youuu: Can I hold your hand anyway or is being scared a necessary requirement?

 

Country Boy: Stan you smooth son of a bitch

 

Country Boy: usually I’d say being scared is an absolute necessity but I can make an exception for you IF you agree to go a date with me?

 

I luhv youuu: I suppose I could free up some time for you on Saturday.

 

Country Boy: Stan you spend all your free time with me anyway I know you don’t have anything else on

 

I luhv youuu: Nevermind, I don’t want to go on a date with you.

 

Country Boy: NO IM KIDDING PLEASE DATE ME

 

I luhv youuu: You sound a bit desperate.

 

Country Boy: only for you babe ;)

 

I luhv youuu: Never, ever text like Richie again and we have a deal.

 

Country Boy: I’ll pick you up at 1 on Saturday?

 

I luhv youuu: That works for me.

 

Country Boy: Alright it’s a date!

 

I luhv youuu: Yes, that’s the point, Mike.

 

Country Boy: damn you Stan

 

Country Boy: damn you





Chapter Text

the Losers club

 

[ Thursday 02:14 ]

 

Bill the Broom: I’m never allowing reddie to enter my home again

 

spagheddie: this is homophobic i have done nothing to warrant this hostility

 

trashcant: what kind of biphobic nonsense is this

 

trashcant: I made one (1) eensy weensy mistake and suddenly I’m a bad person??

 

trashcant: That’s a toxic way to live bill

 

trashcant: shame on you

 

trashcant: stop succumbing to cancel culture you fuck

 

BevvyBoi: you broke his sink

 

trashcant: Ben said he could fix it!!

 

BevvyBoi: ben the builder

 

Stan the Man: You were still moronic enough to break it in the first place.

 

trashcant: Eddie was too!!

 

spagheddie: fucker

 

spagheddie: I was only there because you insisted I go with you!!!

 

trashcant: I DIDNT MAKE YOU SIT IN IT

 

spagheddie: YEA YOU DID

 

spagheddie: YOU LITERALLY PUT ME IN IT

 

trashcant: YOU DIDNT PROTEST AT ALL

 

BevvyBoi: how’d he even get you in there

 

BevvyBoi: he’s scrawny

 

trashcant: [pickachushocked.jpg]

 

BennyBabe: tea

 

Micycle: how’d you like them apples son?

 

spagheddie: it be ya own

 

trashcant: this is bi on bi crime

 

Bill the Broom: how has my family slept through all of this

 

Micycle: if we had woken Georgie up I’d cry

 

Stan the Man: If we had woken Georgie up I would kill myself.

 

Micycle: jesus Stanley

 

spagheddie: Stan no

 

Bill the Broom: wait Eddie where are you??? Your sleeping bag is empty

 

BevvyBoi: he’s with me and Ben

 

Spagheddie: we’re cuddling

 

BennyBabe: I have an armful of Eddie

 

trashcant: that’s the dream

 

Micycle: Eddie Bev and Ben are the living embodiment of that parks and rec episode

 

Micycle: you know the one

 

BennyBabe: this is my girlfriend Bev and this is Bev’s boyfriend Eddie

 

Micycle: THATS THE BITCH

 

spagheddie: Ben is my boyfriend too

 

spagheddie: he’s a beautiful boy

 

spagheddie: a smart, caring, beautiful boy

 

Bill the Broom: rt

 

Micycle: rt

 

Stan the Man: rt

 

BevvyBoi: rt

 

trashcant: rt

 

BennyBabe: hush you gays <3

 

trashcant: these are real loving Ben hanscom hours

 

Bill the Broom: all hours are living Ben hanscom hours

 

trashcant: u rite u rite

 

BennyBabe: richies only buttering me up so I’ll fix the mess he made

 

trashcant: ITS EDDIES MESS TOO

 

spagheddie: IT WAS YOUR FAULT

 

trashcant: IT WAS YOUR FAULT TOO YOU BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH

 

Bill the Broom: who the fuck just threw something at me

 

spagheddie: sorry Billy I was aiming for Richie

 

trashcant: my own lover,, ABUSING ME

 

trashcant: WHAT IN TARNATION

 

Bill the Broom: IT WAS ME HE ABUSED!! WITH A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK

 

spagheddie: it’s dark I miscalculated where Richie would be

 

BevvyBoi: this happens everytime bill you should know better than to sleep near Richie when Eddie’s around

 

spagheddie: he aggravates me more than any other human I’ve ever met

 

trashcant: you love it baby

 

spagheddie: maybe so

 

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon

[ Thursday 2:39am ]

 

mediocre boyscout: owo what’s this

 

literal demon: you fucking furry you shitty fuckibg furry why would you even oh my god












Chapter Text

the Losers club

 

[Thursday 12:38]

 

Bill the Broom: do you think my parents noticed that the dishes were different

 

BevvyBoi: bill.. You sweet, sweet fool…

 

BevvyBoi: you bought Lightning McQueen themed plates…

 

BevvyBoi: i think they noticed

 

Bill the Broom: dammit

 

Stan the Man: If it’s any consolation, I think they’re an improvement from your old plates.

 

Bill the Broom: what is with you and my plates??? 

 

Stan the Man: They were neon green and ugly.

 

Stan the Man: Seriously, where did you get them from? I want to send in a complaint to the manufacturer.

 

BevvyBoi: you think a car plate is better than a green one???

 

Stan the Man: It was neon green. Nobody wants their plate to glow while they’re trying to enjoy their meal.

 

micycle: but they want to stare into the godless eyes of a living vehicle???

 

trashcant: leave Lightning McQueen alone you sluts

 

trashcant: Stan is the only intellectual in this chat the rest of you are cowards

 

spagheddie: if you dont stop eating the strawberries from my strawberry crunch when you think im not looking i will beat the shit out of you richard

 

trashcant: oo feisty 

 

trashcant: just like your mom was when i came over last night ;))

 

spagheddie: GIVE ME MY FRUIT BACK YOU BASTARD

 

trashcant: its more sugar than fruit but go off i guess

 

spagheddie: i dont give a fuck its my sugar get your own

 

trashcant: but i want you to give me some sugar baby <3

 

BennyBabe: eddie please stop kicking richie 

 

BennyBabe: you keep getting bill by mistake and i dont think his shins can handle it

 

trashcant: stop stealing all of eddies kicks!!!

 

Bill the Broom: stop stealing all of eddies strawberries!!!

 

Bill the Broom: eddie please my knees are going fall off 

 

Bill the Broom: how do you have so much energy at this hour

 

micycle: it’s past noon

 

Bill the Broom: i said what i said

 

spagheddie: sorry billy

 

trashcant: wheres my apology????? You were TRYING to kick me

 

spagheddie: i stand by my actions 

 

trashcant: and i stand by mine so i refuse to stop taking your food

 

trashcant: fight the power 

 

trashcant: ow bev what the fuck??

 

BevvyBoi: i love eddie but he is a loud boy and i am Too Tired so stop with your weird pigtail-pulling and eat your own breakfast

 

trashcant: f i n e

 

Bill the Broom: oh thank god

 

Stan the Man: You have the exact same cereal as him.

 

trashcant: it tastes better when it’s illegal

 

BevvyBoi: no cops at pride just richie and eddies strawberries

 

trashcant: his strawberries huh ;)

 

trashcant: FUCK HE GOT ME THAT TIME

 

spagheddie: :)

 

trashcant: why must you forsake me

 

trashcant: i’m never showing you my skateboard tricks again

 

spagheddie: you cant even skate

 

spagheddie: you just find strange ways to fall off

 

Bill the Broom: i’ve seen his tricks they’re pretty dope

 

Bill the Broom: remember that time he did a flip and landed on the skateboard

 

Stan the Man: He landed on his face.

 

Bill the Broom: but he landed on it

 

micycle: he broke his nose

 

trashcant: but i landed on it

 

trashcant: this is why bill is the only bitch i skate with

 

trashcant: he understands that skating isn’t about skill it’s about spirit

 

Bill the Broom: i’ve got you bro

 

trashcant: and i love you for it bro

 

trashcant: <3 bro <3

 

Bill the Broom: <3 bro <3

 

micycle: you two should not be allowed skate together

 

micycle: you’re both hazards to yourselves and society

 

micycle: bill literally fell out of his treehouse because he thought it would be a good idea to practice heelie tricks in there 

 

micycle: it’s like you have one shared braincell and it’s never awake

 

Bill the Broom: WH

 

trashcant: EYE

 

trashcant: MIKE

 

trashcant: WHAT THE FUCK

 

trashcant: MY OWN FATHER

 

micycle: no.

 

trashcant: daddy why

 

BennyBabe: mike really said [im_about_to_end_this_mans_entire_career.gif]

 

spagheddie: richie has a scar on his ass from when he got his literal buttcheek caught in one of the wheels on his skateboard 

 

BevvyBoi: WHAT

 

BennyBabe: HE HAS WHAT

 

Stan the Man: Well that’s just delightful.

 

micycle: this just further proves my point

 

trashcant: EDDIE

 

trashcant: YOU SAID YOU WOULDNT TELL ANYONE

 

Bill the Broom: it’s true i’ve seen it

 

trashcant: et tu brute 

 

BennyBabe: why do both of you know this

 

Bill the Broom: we were having a twerk off

 

BevvyBoi: that

 

BevvyBoi: that doesn’t make this any better

 

spagheddie: who won 

 

Bill the Broom: we never came to a conclusion we got distracted by the ass scar

 

BevvyBoi: disappointing 

 

BennyBabe: eddie how do you know about it

 

spagheddie: i was there when it happened

 

spagheddie: it was fuvking strange

 

spagheddie: rich was wearing shorts and i gave him a wedgie bc he was annoying me and he did one of his tricks and his ass got caught in the wheel midair

 

spagheddie: and just kept spinning

 

spagheddie: it was fucking hilarious

 

micycle: is that even physically possible

 

BevvyBoi: it’s richie

 

BevvyBoi: are you really surprised

 

micycle: i suppose not

 

trashcant: eds you little shit

 

trashcant: this is absolutely not funny, delete this immediately or my lawyer will be in contact

 

spagheddie: lets go baby i know the law

 

BennyBabe: why are we still texting??? we’re all sitting together???

 

BevvyBoi: clown culture

 

micycle: you mean richies heritage?

 

trashcant: i would like to be excluded from this narrative that i have never asked to be a part of since 2009












Chapter Text

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon

 

[ Saturday 12:34 ]

 

mediocre boyscout: richie you gay bitch

 

literal demon: wh

 

literal demon: ??? WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW

 

literal demon: IM JUST OUT HERE EXISTING BRUH

 

mediocre boyscout: i saw the bridge

 

mediocre boyscout: don’t tell me there just so happens to be another R+E in this tiny town

 

literal demon: there could be

 

mediocre boyscout: has eddie seen it

 

literal demon: no

 

literal demon: or atleast he hasn’t mentioned it so i assume he hasn’t

 

mediocre boyscout: what are you gonna say if he does see it

 

mediocre boyscout: i mean i firmly believe he’s in love with you but we both know you’re on that dumb bitch juice 

 

mediocre boyscout: you might wanna think about what you’re gonna say instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind

 

literal demon: first of all i’m the height of intellect

 

literal demon: secondly why does it matter 

 

literal demon: it doesn’t have to be a romantic thing

 

literal demon: i’m going to spend the rest of my life with eddie even if it’s just as friends

 

mediocre boyscout: how would that not be interpreted as romantic 

 

literal demon: idk but eddie won’t question it he’s on that dumb bitch juice too

 

literal demon: we match <3

 

mediocre boyscout: hey

 

mediocre boyscout: u rite tho



the Losers club

 

[ Saturday 1:03pm ]

 

BevvyBoi: why did i decide to get a job

 

BevvyBoi: who thought hiring me would be a good idea

 

BevvyBoi: i am just a caterpillar enclosed in the chrysalis of capitalism

 

BennyBabe changed the group name to ‘crunchy comrades’ 

 

BennyBabe: i’m no commie but in an ideal world we’d live under communist rule

 

BevvyBoi: russia lived under communist rule for a while

 

BevvyBoi: didn’t work out so great for them

 

BennyBabe: how well is capitalism working out for us

 

Bill the Broom: bev you capitalist scum

 

BevvyBoi: IM NOT A CAPITALIST IM JUST SAYING

 

trashcant: governments are overrated i say we just chill man

 

spagheddie: the french snapped with guillotines y’all just saying

 

trashcant: bring back guillotines 2020

 

spagheddie: you’re the first person i’d use one on 

 

trashcant: so no head?

 

Bill the Broom: eddie if you don’t marry him for that i will

 

spagheddie: stfu i already married richie

 

trashcant: best day of my life i can confirm

 

trashcant: but we never got a chance to consummate the marriage :(

 

spagheddie: we were FIVE consummation would’ve been fucking weird

 

Bill the Broom: how did richie manage to bag you at the age of five

 

Bill the Broom: he can’t even get you to compliment him now 

 

BevvyBoi: i thought we were gonna get married 

 

BennyBabe: huh

 

BevvyBoi: dw you’re in on this marriage too babe

 

BennyBabe: h u h

 

spagheddie: we still are lover i’ll divorce bitch boy

 

BennyBabe: HUH

 

trashcant: that is NO way to treat your husband

 

trashcant: ALSO

 

trashcant: I DIDNT BAG EDDIE

 

trashcant: HE bagged ME

 

spagheddie: i hadn’t developed a brain yet don’t take my poor judgement to heart

 

trashcant: say what you want but you PROPOSED to me mr kaspbrak 

 

trashcant: he gave me a ring and everything

 

spagheddie: it was a ring pop and you ate it it doesn’t even exist anymore 

 

trashcant: of course it exists

 

trashcant: that plastic is out there somewhere spaghetti 

 

trashcant: you won my hand in marriage but at what cost

 

BevvyBoi: eddie single handedly caused global warming

 

Bill the Broom: problematic fave

 

trashcant changed their nickname to “ mr kaspbrak

 

spagheddie: who said you’re taking my last name

 

spagheddie: what if i wanna be mr tozier 

 

mr kaspbrak changed spagheddie ’s nickname to “ mr tozier

 

mr kaspbrak: careful what you wish for xox

 

mr tozier: i am so sick of being alive

 

mr kaspbrak: don’t make a widow out of me

 

mr kaspbrak: or do

 

mr kaspbrak: i’ll secure the bag



Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay



[ Saturday 1:48pm ]

 

Disaster Gay: Stan

 

Disaster Gay: my man

 

Disaster Gay: staniel 

 

Disaster Gay: ew i sound like richie nvm

 

Disaster Gay: idk where you are but i’m at your house 

 

Disaster Gay: my mom was being shitty so i came over and your mom insisted i stay even tho you’re not home so i’m chilling here don’t be mad 

 

Disaster Gay: you cant be mad anyway tho cause you told me i could stay whenever so if you think about it this is your fault

 

Disaster Gay: where are you anyway? ik your schedule you don’t have anything planned for today

 

[ Distinguished Gay missed (4) calls from Disaster Gay ]

 

Distinguished Gay: You’re in my house right now?

 

Disaster Gay: yup

 

Disaster Gay: on your desk chair

 

Distinguished Gay: Are your shoes off?

 

Disaster Gay: yes 

 

Disaster Gay: [attachment.1image]

 

Distinguished Gay: Nice socks.

 

Disaster Gay: i can tell you’re laughing at me stanley how dare you 

 

Disaster Gay: they’re eggs and they’re the cutest thing richie’s ever got me

 

Distinguished Gay: Why do they have arms? They’re eggs. They don’t need arms. Why do they have arms but not legs?

 

Disaster Gay: even eggs need hugs

 

Distinguished Gay: They don’t even have faces. They just have arms. Nothing is cute about that.

 

Disaster Gay: they grow on you

 

Distinguished Gay: Like mould.

 

Disaster Gay: keep harassing me shitlord you still haven’t told me where you are tho

 

Disaster Gay: i thought we could bond

 

Disaster Gay: i even brought twizzlers 

 

Distinguished Gay: I love you.

 

Distinguished Gay: I will be home soon. I am with Mike.

 

Disaster Gay: oooooo

 

Disaster Gay: i see ;)

 

Disaster Gay: take your time there’s no rush

 

Disaster Gay: is it cool if i stay here for a bit tho? i don’t think your mom would let me leave even if i wanted to 

 

Distinguished Gay: Of course, stay as long as you want. I don’t mind. I’ll see you soon. 

 

Distinguished Gay: Mention anything about Mike to anyone and I’ll strangle you.

 

Disaster Gay: OwO

 

Disaster Gay: so you admit there’s something to be worth mentioning

 

Distinguished Gay: We are birdwatching. Or we’re trying to, but I got distracted by a gremlin.

 

Disaster Gay: i’m going to ignore the gremlin comment bc you haven’t denied what i’m implying

 

Distinguished Gay: He’s cute, I’m gay, it’s a date and I am enjoying it. Goodbye Eddie, don’t eat all the twizzlers without me.

 

Disaster Gay: i would never willingly subject myself to those plastic sticks of sugar

 

Disaster Gay: i have some self respect 

 

Disaster Gay: A DATE

 

Disaster Gay: OH MY GOD YES 

 

Disaster Gay: YOURE TELLING ME EVERYTHING WHEN YOU GET HOME

 

gabriella >> sharpay 

 

[ Saturday 4:18pm ]

 

gabriella: you aren’t actually a capitalist are you?

 

sharpay: BEN NO










Chapter Text

crunchy comrades

 

[ Saturday 18:14 ]

 

Stan the Man: Mike has a fuckigg rock collection 

 

Stan the Man: there are so mangy

 

mr kaspbrak: fuckigg 

 

BevvyBoi: mangy

 

Bill the Broom: stan are you like,, okay??

 

micycle: he’s crying 

 

micycle: he’s been crying for twenty minutes all because i whipped out my rock collection

 

micycle: i told him to stop laughing at them and it made him laugh harder

 

micycle: i think he’s about to throw up 

 

mr tozier: stop hogging stans laughter and send videos smh

 

BennyBabe: if i don’t see stan laugh right this second i’ll die mike

 

BennyBabe: i swear i’ll do it

 

micycle: [attachment.1video]

 

micycle: this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, i’ve truly peaked

 

micycle: don’t get me wrong

 

micycle: stan laughing this hard is the best thing i’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing

 

micycle: but i’m concerned now he won’t stop help

 

BevvyBoi: stan has no right to be so cute

 

Bill the Broom: retweet 

 

Bill the Broom: i love curly boy

 

mr kaspbrak changed Stan the Man ’s nickname to “Curly Wurly” 

 

mr tozier: i’m coming for your mans mike

 

micycle: no you’re not

 

mr kaspbrak: no you’re not

 

mr tozier: i want to be mr uris

 

Curly Wurly: Please, Mr Uris is my father. I am Mr Stan the curly man.

 

micycle: he’s laughing at his own joke now

 

mr tozier: stan is a pothead 

 

mr kaspbrak: blaze it stan my fair fellow

 

mr kaspbrak: smoking the devils lettuce? on rosh hashanah? stan how could you

 

mr kaspbrak: happy rosh hashanah btw dickweed 

 

mr kaspbrak: can y’all believe stan is like 3000 years ahead of us

 

mr kaspbrak: am i still handsome in the future

 

BennyBabe: HE SAID IVE BEEN TO THE YEAR 3000

 

BennyBabe: NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED BUT THEY LIVED UNDERWATER

 

mr tozier: AND YOUR GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDAUGHTER IS DOING FINE

 

Bill the Broom: I TOOK A SHIP TO THE YEAR 3000 THIS SONG HAD GONE MULTI PLATINUM 

 

Bill the Broom: EVERYBODY BOUGHT OUR SECOND ALBUM

 

BevvyBoi: november 24th can’t come soon enough

 

mr kaspbrak: maybe for you it can’t

 

mr kaspbrak: i’m the sucker who’ll be driving our asses to boston for the fucking jonas brothers

 

mr tozier: HEY

 

mr tozier: YOU LOVE LOVEBUG DONT PRETEND YOU ARENT EXCITED TO HEAR IT LIVE

 

mr kaspbrak: NO PROOF

 

mr tozier: [attachment.4videos]

 

Bill the Broom: wow richie you sound just like nick

 

Bill the Broom: if he had tonsillitis 

 

mr kaspbrak: your mom didn’t seem to mind my voice last night

 

Bill the Broom: are you trying to imply that you sang while fucking my mom because that’s just strange man

 

Bill the Broom: eddie come collect your mans

 

mr tozier: i don’t wanna

 

mr tozier: i’m not into the whole sex singing thing 

 

mr tozier: unless he’s singing my praises 

 

mr tozier: (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

 

BennyBabe has removed mr tozier from the groupchat

 

BennyBabe: brb guys gotta go bleach my eyes!



firecracker >> fireball

 

[ Saturday 19:37 ]

 

firecracker: who removed me

 

fireball: i’m sorry buddy but i am Not Telling

 

firecracker: okay it was ben

 

fireball: damn it



gabriella >> sharpay 

 

[ Saturday 19:37 ]

 

sharpay: sorry babe

 

crunchy comrades

 

[ Saturday 19:42 ]

 

BennyBabe: IM SCREAMING

 

BennyBabe: I HEARD A TAPPING NOISE AT MY WINDOW SO I LOOKED OVER AND EDDIE WAS STARING BACK AT ME

 

Bill the Broom: you have angered the boy 

 

Bill the Broom: you beautiful fool

 

mr kaspbrak: it’s raining

 

Bill the Broom: well done richie you’re right

 

mr kaspbrak: what is he doing outside when it’s raining??

 

BennyBabe: THREATENING ME

 

mr kaspbrak: that rats gonna get sick and then annoy me until he gets better god damn it

 

Bill the Broom: you don’t usually have a problem with eddie annoying you

 

BevvyBoi: if anything you encourage it

 

mr kaspbrak: look i love spaghetti man 

 

mr kaspbrak: he may be my best friend but when he is ill,, he is unbearable 

 

mr kaspbrak: last time he spent the whole week bitching at me for being able to breathe when he couldn’t

 

BevvyBoi: just don’t visit him while he’s sick?

 

mr kaspbrak: but then i won’t get to spend time with my eds 

 

BevvyBoi added mr tozier to the groupchat 

 

mr kaspbrak: OOO IDEA

 

mr kaspbrak changed mr tozier ’s nickname to “m’eddison” 

 

mr kaspbrak: i am truly a genius

 

BennyBabe: is m’eddison some weird kink thing bc if it is i’ll get rid of you too richard

 

mr kaspbrak: no it’s an intellectual thing

 

mr kaspbrak: eddison because that’s his name and m bc it sounds like medicine

 

BevvyBoi: that’s,, not eddies name

 

mr tozier: what the fuck richard

 

mr tozier: YOU THOUGHT MY NAME WAS EDDISON????

 

[ mr kaspbrak has left the chat ]

 

Bill the Broom: CJDJSJSJSH

 

mr tozier: WH

 

BevvyBoi: JSHDSJJSHD W H A T



  mediocre boyscout >> literal demon

 

[ Saturday 20:02 ]

 

literal demon: bill you bastard

 

mediocre boyscout: SKJSJSJSHS

 

literal demon: WHY 

 

literal demon: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

 

mediocre boyscout: IM SORRY

 

literal demon: YOU TOLD ME EDDIE STOOD FOR EDDISON

 

mediocre boyscout: I KNOW IM SO SORRY SKDHSJSH

 

mediocre boyscout: THAT WAS FOURTEEN YEARS AGO I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT BY NOW 

 

literal demon: YOURE AN EVIL MAN DENBROUGH

 

literal demon: YOU ARE RUINING MY CHANCES AT LOVE

 

mediocre boyscout: I WAS FOUR I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY

 

literal demon: YOU HAD FOURTEEN YEARS TO TELL ME THAT FOUR YEAR OLD YOU WAS A LIAR

 

mediocre boyscout: okay but in my defense

 

mediocre boyscout: shits funny

 

literal demon: ,,, tru

 

literal demon: eddie is never gonna let this go

 

mothman >> (wheeze)

 

[ Saturday 20:11 ]

 

mothman: are you still out in the rain?

 

(wheeze): no but i was about to leave bens in a minute

 

mothman: wait there i’ll pick you up

 

(wheeze): thanks rich

 

mothman: no problem eds

 

(wheeze): don’t you mean eddison? :)

 

mothman: SHUT UP

 

crunchy comrades

 

[ Saturday 20:14 ]

 

Curly Wurly: Wait Eddie you aren’t at my house?

 

m’eddison: i left the twizzlers there don’t worry

 

Curly Wurly: Thank you.

 

Curly Wurly: Are you coming back? I’m nearly at home now.

 

m’eddison: i am currently in richie’s car and i think we’re going to his house so no

 

m’eddison: but we could hang out tomorrow?

 

Curly Wurly: Okay, we will see eachother then. 

 

BevvyBoi has added mr kaspbrak to the groupchat

 

BevvyBoi: can i come

 

m’eddison: of course my love

 

BevvyBoi: <3 been missing you babe my shift lasted years

 

Bill the Broom: how is target

 

BevvyBoi: i dissociate as soon as i walk through the door 

 

Bill the Broom: understandable have a good day

 

Country Boy >> I luhv youuu

 

[ Saturday 20:16 ]

 

Country Boy: i had a really great time today

 

I luhv youuu: Me too. I haven’t laughed that much since the time Richie ripped his pants.

 

Country Boy: i like making you laugh

 

Country Boy: not to sound gay but your laugh is beautiful 

 

Country Boy: also you say that like there’s only been one instance of richie ripping his pants but i can remember him doing that atleast six times in the past year

 

I luhv youuu: The time he was dancing to Britney Spears.

 

I luhv youuu: That sounded pretty gay, Mike.

 

Country Boy: i’m pretty gay for you stan

 

Country Boy: would you be down to go on another date soon? 

 

I luhv youuu: I would be down.

 

Country Boy: that sounded strange with the perfect punctuation 

 

I luhv youuu: Noted. Goodnight, Mike.

 

Country Boy: Goodnight, Stan. <3

 

I luhv youuu: <3















Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 


[ Tuesday 02:13 ]


mr kaspbrak: eddie saying dude is the most unsettling thing i’ve ever experienced

 

mr kaspbrak: it’s so aggressively not-eddie-ish

 

m’eddison: woah dude i don’t know what you mean bro

 

mr kaspbrak: STOP IT THOT 

 

BevvyBoi: eddie you’re too gay for this what are you doing

 

m’eddison: dude are you calling me gay? what the fuck bruh i’m a hetero 

 

micycle: what is going on 

 

micycle: richie what did you do to him

 

m’eddison: mike my man! sup dude 

 

micycle: never contact me again 

 

mr kaspbrak: i called eddie bro and now he won’t stop talking Like That

 

m’eddison: broskillet don’t fret dude just chillax man

 

BevvyBoi: noo don’t act straight your so sexy aha

 

m’eddison: what’re you wearing baby girl ;)

 

mr kaspbrak: no

 

BevvyBoi: what straight men have you been speaking to who tf says baby girl

 

m’eddison: idk my only friends are you guys and you’re all pretty gay i don’t have much frame of reference 

 

mr kaspbrak: you think i’m pretty? B)

 

m’eddison: well yeah obviously but that’s not the point and you know it

 

mr kaspbrak: oh

 

mr kaspbrak: oh right 

 

mr kaspbrak: okay

 

mr kaspbrak: cool

 

mr kaspbrak: that’s cool

 

mr kaspbrak: i gotta go walk my pet wasp

 

m’eddison: rich you are in my bed you’re literally right beside me

 

m’eddison: and you’re allergic to wasps???

 

mr kaspbrak: SHUT UP EDS


literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 


[ Tuesday 02:34 ]


literal demon: HE THINKS IM PRETTY


crunchy comrades 


[ Tuesday 02:35 ]


BennyBabe: richie 

 

BennyBabe: eddie

 

BennyBabe: i love you both sm

 

BennyBabe: but if you’re with eachother rn then go be gay in person and stop blowing my phone up AT TWO IN THE GODDAM MORNING

 

m’eddison: richie you turd

 

mr kaspbrak: WHAT DID I DO

 

m’eddison: YOU GOT US IN TRIUNLE

 

BevvyBoi: triunle

 

Bill the Broom: triunle

 

mr kaspbrak: its your fault we’re in triunle you started it shithead

 

m’eddison: i’ll kill you dickbrains mark my fucking words

 

m’eddison: you better sleep with one eye open

 

mr kaspbrak: i think i’m safe there’s a cute little idiot spooning me rn

 

m’eddison: WHORE

 

mr kaspbrak: i’m YOUR whore uwu

 

BennyBabe: WHAT DID I SAY

 

m’eddison: sorry ben ;-;

 

mr kaspbrak: you don’t own me

 

m’eddison: stop typing you’re elbowing me

 

mr kaspbrak: you didn’t seem to mind last night ;)

 

mr kaspbrak: on a completely unrelated note i am putting my phone away 

 

Bill the Broom: whipped


Carry on my Gayward Son


[ Tuesday 02:52 ]


milf: oh so y’all are gay gay

 

DenBro: god this is tragic

 

DenBro: i hate watching your fucking strange mating dance unfurl

 

DenBro: the two of you still have the exact same flirting methods as you did when we were kids except they’re slightly more sexual now 

 

Chaotic Gay: i have never flirted with richie in my life ever 

 

milf: go spoon your boyfriend you filthy liar

 

dilf: please i am Begging

 

milf: oh shit sorry babe

 

DenBro: sorry ben!!

 

dilf: sigh


crunchy comrades


[Tuesday 06:45 ]


Curly Wurly: It’s a school night, why do you idiots keep doing this?

 

m’eddison: richie started it hes the one who texted the chat first

 

Curly Wurly: So? You replied. As did Beverly, Bill, and Ben. All four of you reply every night. The only person who doesn’t reply other than myself is Mike.

 

m’eddison: sorry not all of us have SMART boyfriends like mike who go to sleep at a NORMAL time stanley stop judging me 

 

BevvyBoi: boyfriend?

 

BevvyBoi: inch resting

 

Bill the Broom: owo what’s this

 

BennyBabe: who’s your boyfriend eddie? :)

 

m’eddison: I MEANT BOY FRIEND

 

m’eddison: BOY WHO IS A FRIEND

 

m’eddison: A PLATONIC PAL OF THE MALE GENDER

 

mr kaspbrak: why eds you never even bought me dinner before announcing our relationship status 

 

mr kaspbrak: can’t believe i’m being treated so poorly by my boyfriend

 

m’eddison: SHUT UP IT WAS A SLIP OF THE TONGUE

 

mr kaspbrak: this is a virtual chat

 

m’eddison: slip of the thumb

 

mr kaspbrak: my boyfriend is a dumb ass

 

m’eddison: I WASNT EVEN TALKING ABOUT YOU

 

mr kaspbrak: oh?

 

mr kaspbrak: who were you talking about then

 

mr kaspbrak: which slut do i need to fight for your affections my love

 

m’eddison: maybe i meant bill

 

Bill the Broom: eddie don’t do this to me

 

m’eddison: bill is my boy friend 

 

m’eddison: my friend who is a boy who is bill

 

m’eddison: my billfriend if you will

 

m’eddison changed Bill the Broom’s nickname to ‘billfriend’

 

billfriend: why eddie why


literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 


[ Tuesday 7:01 ]


literal demon: WHY DOESNT HE WANT TO BE MY BOYFRIEND

 

mediocre boyscout: damn it

 

literal demon: HES BEING SO DEFENSIVE BILL

 

literal demon: WHYS HE BEING SO DEFENSIVE 

 

literal demon: WHATS SO BAD ABOUT BEING MY BOYFRIEND

 

literal demon: HES NEVER BEEN MY BOYFRIEND FOR ALL HE KNOWS IM GREAT AT BEING A BOYFRIEND

 

literal demon: oh my god you don’t think he finds me repulsive do you

 

mediocre boyscout: richie no of course not!

 

mediocre boyscout: he wouldn’t have spent all night spooning you if he thought you were repulsive

 

literal demon: true true

 

mediocre boyscout: richie eddie loves you you know what he’s like

 

mediocre boyscout: he’s defensive over everything

 

mediocre boyscout: he’s just Like That

 

literal demon: i know he’s so hot

 

mediocre boyscout: and he’s back


crunchy comrades


[ Tuesday 12:34 ]


BennyBabe: where is everyone?? i’ve been at our table for ten minutes and nobody else has come??

 

BevvyBoi: babe,, we’re in class,, where you should also be

 

BennyBabe: what 

 

BennyBabe: oh fuck

 

BevvyBoi: DJDHSGS 

 

Curly Wurly: If you didn’t stay on your phone until three in the morning, this wouldn’t happen.

 

BevvyBoi: why are you victim blaming 

 

BevvyBoi: shame on you stanford

 

billfriend: could you assholes get off your phones and actually talk to me? we’re supposed to be doing group work

 

billfriend: emphasis on GROUP


mothman >> (wheeze)


[ Friday 09:13 ]


mothman: so eds my darling boyfriend 

 

(wheeze): i’m not eds or your boyfriend but continue

 

mothman: i’m ignoring that

 

mothman: i was thinking we could stop for food on our way back to mine?

 

(wheeze): i thought we were going to bills tonight

 

mothman: we are but your mom is busy until then and i have time to kill so i figured we could do stuff beforehand 

 

(wheeze): beep beep asshole

 

(wheeze): stuff like what 

 

mothman: get takeaway and finish the politician?

 

(wheeze): oh

 

(wheeze): i’d like that :)

 

mothman: cool it’s a date

 

mothman: seeya spaghetti man

 

(wheeze): see you then rich 


firecracker >> fireball


[ Friday 09:16 ]


firecracker: i think i’m going on a date with richie 

 

fireball: WHAT

 

firecracker: [attachment.2images]

 

fireball: OH MY GOD

 

fireball: ITS HAPPENIBG

 

firecracker: I KNOW 

 

firecracker: what the fuck do i wear

 

firecracker: like it’s a date but it’s casual but it’s a date

 

firecracker: idk how to be casual enough without being too casual i’m gay bev help

 

fireball: wear nothing

 

firecracker: goodbye 















Chapter Text

crunchy comrades



[ Friday 18:56 ]



mr kaspbrak changed their nickname to ‘ricardo’

 

mr tozier changed their nickname to ‘infinity’

 

ricardo: we found our doppelgängers in the politician

 

ricardo: should i bleach my hair?

 

ricardo: no that’s crazy 

 

ricardo: … unless

 

Curly Wurly: You should not be allowed anywhere near any chemicals. You’re a hazard to everyone around you. 

 

ricardo: my dicks a hazard

 

ricardo: A CHOKING HAZARD

 

ricardo: you hear that eds ;)

 

infinity: die 

 

ricardo: gladly

 

BennyBabe: NO

 

BevvyBoi: why does mario kart tour have a daily limit on coins

 

BevvyBoi: i’m TRYING to save up to buy waluigi but i CANT because of this DAMN limit

 

BennyBabe: smash your phone

 

BevvyBoi: ben why

 

BennyBabe: arent you tired of being nice? don’t you just wanna go apeshit?

 

BevvyBoi: ..,god my boyfriends smart

 

BevvyBoi: your low tier boyfriends could NEVER my mans be talking straight philosophy up in here

 

micycle: your man may be cute but mine is literally called stan THE man so who’s really got the superior lover here

 

Curly Wurly: I do.

 

micycle: STAB 

 

BevvyBoi: stab 

 

ricardo: stab

 

BennyBabe: stab 

 

infinity: stab

 

billfriend: stab

 

micycle: i’ll stab y’all if you don’t shush

 

Curly Wurly: Dear God, what have i done?

 

ricardo: i would willingly die at your gracious hands mike

 

Curly Wurly: if anyone is gonna kill you it’s gonna be me

 

BevvyBoi: okay backstreet boy

 

infinity: why cant i kill richie

 

ricardo: wh

 

ricardo: EDS YOU WOUND ME BABY

 

infinity: this is exactly why i should get to be the one who kills him 

 

Curly Wurly: You have a conflict of interests whereas i am guaranteed to get the job done.

 

infinity: I Have No Idea What You Mean

 

billfriend: okay losers my family have officially left the building

 

billfriend: so get your butts over here now

 

billfriend: we’re watching alvin and the chipmunks: the squeakuel

 

BevvyBoi: aka the greatest alvin and the chipmunks film

 

BennyBabe: i thought the first one was pretty good

 

ricardo: i mean this in the most loving way possible,, die

 

infinity: honestly same the first one was better

 

ricardo: your mind >>>

 

BennyBabe: WHAT



fireball >> firecracker



[ Friday 19:03 ]



fireball: you love the second one eddie i know you have more taste than this

 

firecracker: maybe so

 

fireball: YOU LIED ON PURPOSE TO GET HIM TO COMPLIMENT YOU

 

firecracker: I ENJOY THE VALIDATION BEV

 

fireball: valid

 

firecracker: oh yeah that’s the good stuff

 

fireball: god id hate you if i didn’t love you so much

 

firecracker: don’t pretend you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if you wanted compliments from ben

 

fireball: ,, true

 

fireball: bold of you to assume ben needs incentive to compliment me tho

 

fireball: my mans does it regardless

 

fireball: actually so does richie idk why you bother

 

firecracker: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

firecracker: i enjoy the side order of drama 

 

fireball: gotta respect the grind

 

firecracker: (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

 

firecracker: cue miley cyrus’ i adore you

 

fireball: uwu



crunchy comrades



[ Friday 19:54 ]



micycle: i forgot about bills crush on simon

 

Curly Wurly: I wish it had stayed forgotten.

 

infinity: so bill really is a furry huh

 

ricardo: if bill were a chipmunk he’d be alvin

 

ricardo: i think you should fully embrace your furry side billiam

 

ricardo: there is nothing more seductive than a teenage boy in a fur suit 

 

Curly Wurly: What the fuck has Eddie been wearing?

 

ricardo: if i had my way, nothing

 

infinity: GO AWAY

 

BevvyBoi: eddie would be brittany

 

infinity: i love she 

 

ricardo: then bill cant be alvin

 

BevvyBoi: why not richie:)

 

ricardo: because

 

ricardo: BILLS HOMOPHOBIC 

 

billfriend: WHAT

 

billfriend: I AM LITERALLY A MALE WHO IS ATTRACTED TO OTHER MALES WH

 

BevvyBoi changed billfriend’s nickname to ‘homophobe’



mediocre boyscout >> literal demon



[ Friday 19:57 ]



mediocre boyscout: TERRIBLE SAVE ASSHOLE

 

literal demon: I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING

 

mediocre boyscout: or you could have said NOTHING

 

literal demon: are you telling me to shut up because i’m gay? maybe i was right



crunchy comrades 



[ Friday 20:01 ]



BennyBabe: BILL STOP TRYING TO PUNCH RICHIE

 

infinity: yea you’re damaging the goods

 

BennyBabe: aww

 

BennyBabe: that was terrible why am i soft

 

BevvyBoi: you’re just cute like that idk

 

BennyBabe: ?? i love you???

 

BevvyBoi: that’s funny bc i love you too

 

BennyBabe: :)

 

BevvyBoi: <3

 

ricardo: EDS YOU SWEET THANG COME JOIN ME IN THE BASEMENT IM HIDING FROM BILL

 

ricardo: fuck wrong chat

 

homophobe: CONGRATULATIONS BITCH YOU PLAYED YOURSELF

 

micycle: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING

 

homophobe: I FORGOT TO TURN CAPS OFF

 

micycle: understandable have a good day

 

Curly Wurly: Is anyone actually going to finish watching the movie or shall I just turn it off?

 

homophobe: don’t you dare

 

homophobe: i’m coming back i won’t miss a second more of simons sweet stature for richie’s crusty self

 

ricardo: you have crabs whore

 

homophobe: i got them from your mom slut

 

ricardo: :o

 

ricardo: THATS MY LINE

 

BevvyBoi: get out of the basement idiot 

 

BevvyBoi: and bring eddie back with you 

 

infinity: cuddles?

 

BevvyBoi: cuddles.

 

infinity: BYE RICH

 

ricardo: your threats are empty when you’re still holding my hand

 

ricardo: HEY DONT LET GO

 

Curly Wurly: This is going to keep going in circles, please just return to the sitting room.

 

infinity: okay daddy

 

ricardo: ok daddy

 

Curly Wurly: Disgusting. Both of you. 










Chapter Text

crunchy comrades



[ Tuesday 04:15 ]



infinity: how is richie not a slytherin

 

infinity: is it possible to cheat on your hogwarts house test bc i’m certain richie did

 

ricardo: this is what keeps you up at night eds?

 

ricardo: not the sound of me making sweet love to Mrs K but my hogwarts house?

 

ricardo: aww are you sad we aren’t in the same one 

 

ricardo: that’s precious 

 

BevvyBoi: richie doesn’t deserve to be in our house edward that’s our territory

 

ricardo: giving spagheddie nicknames is MY territory 

 

ricardo: FIGHT ME

 

BevvyBoi: ITS NOT A NICKNAME ITS HIS NAME

 

infinity: EDDIE IS ALREADY A NICKNAME WHY CANT WE LEAVE IT AT THAT

 

ricardo: because you’re just too gosh darn cute

 

infinity: don’t call me that

 

ricardo: why cant i call you cute?? you are

 

ricardo: the CUTEST

 

infinity: i’m COOL

 

ricardo: eds baby i love you so much but you’re in the losers club for a reason

 

infinity: ...you’ve got me there



firecracker >> fireball



[ Tuesday 04:28 ]



firecracker: holy fuck

 

firecracker: are you seeing this shit

 

fireball: eddie stay strong

 

fireball: i know it’s hard but it’s november if you nut you’re letting us all down

 

firecracker: SHUT UP

 

firecracker: i wasn’t going to nut

 

firecracker: i was just going to say

 

firecracker: that’s gay

 

fireball: you went on a literal date with him less than a week ago

 

fireball: that’s gay

 

firecracker: touchè

 

firecracker: has he mentioned it to you at all

 

fireball: not really why?

 

firecracker: he hasn’t brought it up again to me

 

firecracker: i thought we had a good time but maybe he didn’t enjoy it as much as i thought?

 

firecracker: he hasn’t asked me out again either

 

fireball: maybe he’s nervous 

 

fireball: have you brought it up to him? 

 

firecracker: ..no

 

fireball: then maybe he’s worried that YOU didn’t enjoy it because he made the first move and you haven’t asked him out yet

 

firecracker: do you think i should ask him out???

 

fireball: i’ve been telling you to ask him out every day since we turned 15 

 

fireball: please ask him out

 

fireball: the pining was cute at first but now we all just want you to hurry up and get to the part where you’re both happy together 

 

firecracker: awww soft

 

fireball: I Would Die For You

 

firecracker: I Will Die For You First

 

fireball: now go get your mans 

 

firecracker: wait

 

firecracker: where the fuck should we go

 

firecracker: do we watch a movie?? get food?? both?? neither??

 

fireball: eddie it’s going to be okay

 

fireball: just go get milkshakes and hang out like you usually do

 

firecracker: is that not too boring?

 

fireball: richie asked you over to watch films and eat takeaway 

 

fireball: that’s just as mundane but you still enjoyed yourself right?

 

firecracker: yea i did

 

firecracker: i really did

 

fireball: then don’t worry about it

 

fireball: if you stress out then richie will stress out and that doesn’t do anyone any good so just take it easy for now

 

fireball: it’s only your second date you can go do extravagant shit together once you get a bit more comfortable with the change in your relationship, there’s no rush

 

firecracker: you are wise beyond your years

 

firecracker: thank you bev <3

 

firecracker: i love you 。◕‿◕。

 

fireball: i love you too little man

 

fireball: you can repay me by taking me for milkshakes too

 

fireball: preferably not at the same time as richie

 

firecracker: two hot dates in one week? it’s all coming up eddie ☜(˚▽˚)☞

 

fireball: richie better watch his back i’m omw to steal his man

 

firecracker: you’ve already stolen MY UWUS

 

fireball: uwu

 

firecracker: uwu



(wheeze) >> mothman



[ Tuesday 04:43 ]



(wheeze): so

 

(wheeze): friday

 

(wheeze): you 

 

(wheeze): me

 

(wheeze): milkshakes?

 

mothman: you had me at ‘you’

 

(wheeze): nerd

 

mothman: that’s a slur 

 

(wheeze): you’re a slur

 

mothman: the sexiest slur on the planet 

 

(wheeze): i rescind my invitation i refuse to be associated with you 

 

mothman: you shouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me eds i make everyone look ugly in comparison it’s not just you 

 

(wheeze): you calling me ugly bitch boy?

 

mothman: :o

 

mothman: i would NEVER

 

mothman: you’re an asshole and we’re thrilled to have you here

 

(wheeze): HEY

 

(wheeze): THATS NOT HOW THE LINE GOES YOU DICK

 

mothman: you might look like one but you’re no angel darling

 

(wheeze): that was disgusting i’m going to puke 

 

mothman: IT WAS SEDUCTIVE

 

(wheeze): IT WAS CHEESY

 

mothman: SEDUCTIVELY CHEESY

 

(wheeze): THAT MAKES NO SENSE

 

mothman: YOU MAKE NO SENSE

 

mothman: you’re like a cat

 

(wheeze): shut up with your furry agenda 

 

mothman: if you’re a furry i’m a furry

 

(wheeze): GOODNIGHT

 

mothman: goodnight my love 

 

(wheeze): >:( <3

 

mothman: ;)



crunchy comrades



[ Tuesday 06:31 ]



homophobe: wait what house is richie in then??

 

ricardo: ravenclaw bby

 

Curly Wurly: That quiz is not accurate.

 

micycle: HA 

 

micycle: YOURE KIN WITH RICHIE

 

Curly Wurly: Goodbye, Mike.

 

ricardo: in another life

 

micycle: EL WHERE ARE YOU

 

ricardo: i would be your girl

 

homophobe: ELEVEN??

 

ricardo: make it full of promises

 

BevvyBoi: EL???

 

Curly Wurly: You all spend too much time on tik tok.

 

ricardo: according to my screen time in the settings i only spend 6 hours on tik tok daily

 

Curly Wurly: This is why you wear glasses.

 

ricardo: the rest of my time is spent fucking spagheddies mom 

 

infinity: bitch i’ll kill you

 

homophobe: why are richie and mike literally identical 

 

micycle: wh

 

micycle: bill we look nothing alike

 

micycle: richie’s white as fuck

 

ricardo: i wish i were as hot as mike

 

infinity: you are 

 

ricardo: well i never! my eds thinks lil old me is hot? 

 

ricardo: i knew you loved me back <3

 

infinity: this love is purely physical i’m using you for your body

 

ricardo: i’m alright with that 



literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 



[ Tuesday 07:14 ]



literal demon: he’s using me for my body <3

 

mediocre boyscout: he’s sexually attracted to string beans

 

literal demon: HEY

 

literal demon: my guns are HUGE 

 

mediocre boyscout: the only guns you’ve got are the virtual ones in your video games

 

literal demon: maybe so but eddie thinks i’m hot so choke on that

 

mediocre boyscout: i will do so willingly i’m into that 

 

literal demon: how am i the one labelled demon honestly

 

mediocre boyscout: well you cant be a boyscout you got kicked out

 

literal demon: only because the leaders were fascists 

 

mediocre boyscout: you forced someone to eat mud richie they were doing God’s work kicking you out

 

literal demon: i may have lost my status as boyscout but no one is safe from my mud bill.

 

literal demon: No one.



crunchy comrades



[ Tuesday 07:28 ]



homophobe: ignoring whatever the fuck that was

 

homophobe: i meant mike wheeler

 

infinity: mikes boring

 

ricardo: i’m way more fun than him 

 

ricardo: Mike WISHES he was on my level

 

micycle: mike looks like richie if he took pride in his appearance 

 

ricardo: I TAKE PRIDE IN MY APPEARANCE 

 

ricardo: IM PROUD TO BE THIS EFFORTLESSLY HANDSOME

 

ricardo: MIKE NEVER SMILES AND HIS HAIR IS LAME

 

Curly Wurly: I have to agree with Richie here, curls are infinitely superior to Mike’s locks.

 

ricardo: SEE IF STAN AGREES IT MUST BE RIGHT

 

micycle: touchè

 

BennyBabe changed BevvyBoi ’s nickname to ‘jess’

 

BevvyBoi changed BennyBabe ’s nickname to ‘rory’

 

rory: we gave up on gilmore girls after jess left

 

jess: we had a good run though

 

jess: atleast now we’ve finally changed our damn nicknames

 

rory: and they match!

 

Curly Wurly: Adorable.

 

micycle: are we the only ones who don’t have matching nicknames 

 

homophobe: I EXIST

 

homophobe: i don’t even have someone to match with!!

 

Curly Wurly changed their nickname to ‘ Homosexual

 

Homosexual: We match.

 

micycle: WHAT ABOUT ME

 

homophobe: stan is my ONLY friend 

 

Homosexual changed micycle ’s nickname to ‘ Needy Gay

 

Needy Gay: these do NOT match 

 

homophobe: hush homo stan is mine now

 

Homosexual: False.

 

homophobe: just let me enjoy my victory a little longer

 

Needy Gay: you may have won the battle but you’ll never win the war

 

Homosexual: Stop being dramatic and meet me at my locker.

 

rory: oooo are you guys gonna ~smooch~

 

Needy Gay: disgusting. before marriage? absolutely not

 

Needy Gay: we’re just gonna dry hump

 

rory: WH

 

infinity: stans about to piss himself i can see him laughing from my locker

 

Needy Gay: not to be gay on main but THATS MY SOULMATE

 

ricardo: Gay.

 

infinity: Gay.

 

rory: Gay.

 

jess: Gay.

 

homophobe: Gay.

 

Homosexual: Gay.






























Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 



[ Friday 16:47 ]



infinity: i’m straight now

 

jess: damn richie what the fuck did you do

 

ricardo: NOTHING EDS IS JUST RIDICULOUS 

 

infinity: HE PUT KETCHUP IN MY MILKSHAKE

 

ricardo: YOU LIKE TOMATOES, YOU LIKE MILKSHAKES, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU WOULDNT ENJOY A KETCHUP FLAVORED MILKSHAKE

 

infinity: because that’s DISGUSTING 

 

ricardo: i thought it tasted quite nice

 

infinity: ew what the fuck rich

 

Needy Gay: who’s willing to bet eddies smiling even though he’s pretending to be angry in here

 

infinity: there’s nothing fake about my anger

 

ricardo: [eds_smiling.jpg]

 

infinity: i have to go right now right away

 

Needy Gay: EXPOSED

 

ricardo: ain’t he just the cutest southern bell y’all ever did see??? *sweating*

 

homophobe: never type out *sweating* ever again you freak

 

ricardo: but i’m sweating 

 

infinity: ew richie 

 

ricardo: that’s what your mom said last night

 

infinity: i mean you’re not wrong

 

jess: eddie do you have my socks

 

infinity: the blue ones with the stars on them?

 

jess: yeah those

 

infinity: no

 

rory: wh

 

homophobe: i didn’t know those were yours

 

homophobe: im wearing them

 

jess: what size shoe are you?? how can you fit your feet in my socks??

 

homophobe: a US 7 and a half 

 

jess: huh

 

jess: i didn’t see that coming

 

rory: how do bev eddie and bill all have the same size feet yet both of them tower over eddie height wise

 

Needy Gay: physics

 

rory: that does not explain anything

 

Needy Gay: if you don’t understand now then you never will

 

rory: i’ll accept that



[ Tuesday 05:45 ]



Homosexual: The doors to the concert open at 18:30. The drive should take atleast 4 hours, not including any pit stops we have to make or unexpected delays in traffic. It should take us roughly an hour to eat food if we stop at an actual diner, however if we simply buy snacks from a convenience store to eat on the way, it’ll be significantly quicker. I think we should meet at 13:15, drive to the nearest convenience store to fill up on petrol and buy snacks, then drive to the stadium. This allows 1 hour and 15 minutes for any emergency bathroom breaks or heavy traffic. I expect you all to be ready to go by 13:00. I have all the tickets on my person and will give them to each of you at the door of the stadium and no sooner. Any questions?

 

Needy Gay: i love you

 

Homosexual: That’s not a question. I love you too.

 

jess: why cant we have our tickets before we get there

 

Homosexual: I don’t trust any of you to be responsible. Next question.

 

ricardo: why the fuck are you awake this early

 

Homosexual: I like to be prepared.

 

infinity: evidently 

 

homophobe: i’m guessing the seats are the usual 

 

ricardo: you can sit anywhere you like in the back i don’t give a fuck once eds sits beside me

 

infinity: eternal shotgun bitch

 

ricardo: INFINITY shotgun

 

rory: i call dibs on a window seat

 

jess: guess i’m in the middle then

 

homophobe: i’ll sit beside bev

 

homophobe: i’m not third wheeling stanlon in the back

 

Needy Gay: fine by me, that means we can make out

 

Homosexual: Just be ready, please.

 

ricardo: you can count on us stanny boy

 

Homosexual: Do not refer to me by that ever again.

 

ricardo: you got it stanny fanny

 

Needy Gay: f..fanny

 

infinity: shut up and take me home richard

 

ricardo: as you wish edward

 

homophobe: you are all so fucking gay i cant stand it

 

rory: your username remains accurate

 

homophobe: why am i the victim of cyber crimes

 

ricardo: bc ur mom gay lol

 

homophobe: WHORE



fireball >> firecracker



[ Tuesday 08:03 ]



fireball: why does richie need to take you home, hmm edward?

 

firecracker: mayhaps i slept at his house beverly

 

fireball: inch resting *side eye emoji*

 

fireball: another date night that ran late?

 

firecracker: he just showed up at my house last night and was like “eds let’s go for a drive” so we drove around for a bit listening to music and lost track of time and his house was closer so we ended up staying there

 

fireball: aww eddie

 

fireball: that may be cute but don’t think you’re allowed skip out on me now that you’ve got yourself a man

 

fireball: i expect you to still sleep at my house atleast once every two weeks

 

firecracker: but of course miss marsh i wouldn’t dream of dropping you

 

firecracker: who else would i bitch about people to

 

fireball: you bitch to everybody 

 

firecracker: fair point but you’re my favorite person to bitch to

 

fireball: really? even better than richie?

 

firecracker: even better than him

 

firecracker: much better than him actually he doesn’t take me seriously when i bitch he thinks i’m being funny

 

fireball: that fool

 

fireball: you’re NEVER funny

 

firecracker: exactly!!

 

firecracker: wait 

 

firecracker: HEY

 

fireball: gottem B)



mediocre boyscout >> literal demon 



[ Tuesday 08:05 ]



mediocre boyscout: why are you awake at a normal hour 

 

mediocre boyscout: this is unlike you

 

literal demon: RUDE

 

literal demon: i’m in love billy boy

 

mediocre boyscout: we been knew slut

 

literal demon: :(

 

literal demon: ANYWAY

 

literal demon: my stupid soulmate keeps making me sleep at reasonable hours >:( if he weren’t the greatest person on earth i’d hate him

 

mediocre boyscout: is this why you keep randomly disappearing before 11 

 

mediocre boyscout: how many times has he slept over??

 

literal demon: almost as much as his mom

 

literal demon: most days these past few weeks

 

mediocre boyscout: inch resting

 

mediocre boyscout: did something happen between you two

 

mediocre boyscout: usually he’d stay at bevs if stuff was bad with his mom but he hasn’t mentioned anything about home being hard or anything and yet he’s always at your house

 

mediocre boyscout: if you got a man and didn’t tell me i’ll kill you richard

 

literal demon: you know you’d be the first to know if i somehow managed to secure eds

 

literal demon: maybe he’s started smoking pot

 

literal demon: that’d explain why he’s so happy lately

 

mediocre boyscout: we should investigate 

 

literal demon: alright Dt. Denbrough

 

mediocre boyscout: you know you’re to address me as Sherlock when i’m investigating 

 

literal demon: bro i love you

 

literal demon: you fucking weirdo

 

mediocre boyscout: go drive your not-boyfriend home watson

 

literal demon: whatever you say sherlock 



The Losers Club



[ Tuesday 12:43 ]



Needy Gay: me and Stan have been listening to Burnin Up for 20 minutes 

 

Needy Gay: if nick doesn’t sing the red dress bit i’ll get onstage and sing it myself

 

Homosexual: I’ll leave immediately.

 

rory: if nick doesn’t make eye contact with me across the crowd and invite me to come back stage after the concert because he fell in love with me then what pray tell is the point??

 

jess: STORYTIME! my boyfriend LEFT ME for NICK JONAS?!? *not clickbait*

 

homophobe: bevs just using you for clout ben date me instead

 

jess: back off my mans denbrough

 

homophobe: stop hogging ben i want a slice of the cake

 

jess: understandable bens double cheeked up

 

jess: when you read that text picture me watering at the mouth

 

rory: aw thanks guys that’s so sweet

 

rory: slightly objectifying but sweet

 

homophobe: fuck me 

 

rory: no

 

homophobe: :(

 

jess: :)

 

rory: :/



Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay



[ Tuesday 13:24 ]



Distinguished Gay: Did you buy any twizzlers while you were in the store? 

 

Disaster Gay: no but there’s two packs in my bag hang on i’ll pass it back to you

 

Distinguished Gay: Thank you. Also Mike wants to know if you bought M&Ms.

 

Disaster Gay: rich bought pretzel ones

 

Disaster Gay: i think bill has them 

 

Distinguished Gay: Thank you. 

 

Disaster Gay: no problem Stan!! how’s the backseat? are you and mike fucking yet

 

Distinguished Gay: Would I be texting you about twizzlers if I was having sex?

 

Disaster Gay: hey whatever you’re into, no judgment here my friend 

 

Distinguished Gay changed Disaster Gay ’s nickname to “ Disgusting Gay

 

Disgusting Gay: they hated jesus because he spoke the truth





































Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 



[ Tuesday 22:57 ]



homophobe: so fellas

 

homophobe: wanna go to chipotle before we head home

 

jess: why are you texting us we’re right beside eachother

 

Needy Gay: you’re telling me you can hear over eddie??

 

jess: good point 

 

homophobe: n e ways

 

homophobe: chipotle?

 

jess: you’re a genius denbrough 

 

rory: i concur

 

Needy Gay: me and stan are down

 

Needy Gay: Stan and I*

 

Needy Gay: that was stan

 

homophobe: CHIPOTLE IT IS FELLAS :D



[ Tuesday 23:17 ]



homophobe: i can never show my face in chipotle again

 

jess: you did this to yourself 

 

homophobe: you and stan did this to me

 

homophobe: who carries full bottles of wine around with them you freaks

 

homophobe: i think my back is permanently broken 

 

jess: WE NEEDED SOMETHING TO WASH DOWN THE FOOD

 

Homosexual: Your back is fine, the only thing you damaged was your dignity.

 

homophobe: THATS YOUR FAULT

 

homophobe: all the cashiers laughed at me and now i smell of wine :(

 

ricardo: dont worry big bill, in the words of the great billie eilish

 

ricardo: nobody cried nobody even noticed

 

jess: bill cried 

 

rory: and i’m pretty sure everyone noticed him slip on the wine

 

ricardo: u rite

 

ricardo: sorry billiam you’re on your own here

 

homophobe: you’re all TERRIBLE people now drive me to the ER

 

ricardo: if your back was actually broken eddie would be a lot more concerned 

 

homophobe: IS EDDIE LAUGHING TOO

 

infinity: yea you made me choke on my food

 

homophobe: wooow some world we live in

 

homophobe: the others i can believe but you? someone i think of as a brother? this is unforgivable 

 

ricardo: eds is a bitch of course he laughed 

 

infinity: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BITCH YOU DICKHEAD

 

ricardo: love you babe <3

 

infinity: i’ll tear you limb from limb

 

ricardo: sexy

 

Homosexual: No.

 

infinity: i despise you



literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 



[ Wednesday 02:34 ]



literal demon: what the fuck is going on 

 

mediocre boyscout: mood

 

literal demon: he held my hand

 

literal demon: for the ENTIRE concert

 

literal demon: and he told me i’m cuter than nick jonas

 

literal demon: he’s asleep on me right now

 

literal demon: what is life 

 

literal demon: i cant be dead there’s no way i’d get into heaven

 

literal demon: this must be a dream

 

mediocre boyscout: i believe this is what the kids call “gay”

 

literal demon: i am having a cry seas billiam 

 

mediocre boyscout: are you at his house

 

literal demon: yea i’m waiting for Mrs K to wake up so i can rail her

 

mediocre boyscout: eddies standards are so goddamn low why is he into you 

 

literal demon: we have not confirmed whether or not he is into me 

 

mediocre boyscout: i’m pretty sure the entire basis of this conversation is confirmation of his feelings for you idiot

 

literal demon: HES DROOLING

 

literal demon: IM IN LOVE

 

mediocre boyscout: s i g h



crunchy comrades



[ Sunday 02:03 ]



ricardo: yes i do the cooking

 

ricardo: yes i do the cleaning 

 

Needy Gay: the only thing you know how to cook is frozen pizza and i don’t think you’ve ever cleaned your own room before

 

ricardo: first of all, i CHOOSE to only cook frozen pizza but i know how to cook a variety of meals because i am CULTURED 

 

ricardo: and ill have you know i make my spagheddie homemade spaghetti all the time so you’re WRONG 

 

ricardo: second of all, i don’t need to clean my room because eds rearranges it every time he visits like the cute little shit he is

 

Needy Gay: stop taking advantage of your boyfriend and clean your own room 

 

ricardo: never look a gift horse in the mouth

 

Homosexual: You woke me up.

 

Needy Gay: sorry Stan!!

 

ricardo: staniel welcome to the party

 

Homosexual: I’m going to murder you, Richard Tozier.

 

ricardo: sorry new phone who dis

 

Needy Gay: go to sleep ricardo 

 

ricardo: no thank you

 

ricardo: i am going to listen to harry styles new album

 

Homosexual: Die while you’re at it.

 

Needy Gay: STAN

 

ricardo: :(

 

ricardo: it’s okay mikey, i guess stans just the liam to my harry </3

 

Homosexual: Never compare me to Liam ever again.

 

Needy Gay: okay but zayns solo music >>>

 

Homosexual: Harry’s solo music is the greatest, you heathen.

 

ricardo: harry has the music of god’s 

 

Needy Gay: how dare you disrespect fool for you like this

 

jess: nialls music trumps all 

 

homophobe: are you all just going to ignore my man louis??

 

rory: flicker is the greatest album of time and i will fight you bitches on that

 

infinity: you all raise good points but have you considered; 1Ds music was best when they were all together

 

jess: this is what world peace looks like

 

ricardo changed infinity ’s nickname to “ one dick stan

 

ricardo changed Homosexual ’s nickname to “ one dick Stan

 

ricardo changed the group name to ‘peace was never an option’

 

Needy Gay: you’ve done it again you brilliant son of a gun

 

ricardo: thank you thank you i’m here all week

 

one dick Stan: I’m going back to sleep. Do not disturb me.



[ Tuesday 13:02 ]



jess: boys

 

one dick stan: mother

 

jess: secret santa 

 

jess: will we pick names at lunch?

 

ricardo: sounds like a plan my man

 

homophobe: under no circumstances should anyone purchase sex toys for the person they choose, is that clear?

 

homophobe: this is aimed at you richie you shithead

 

ricardo: i’m sorry you didn’t like the cock ring bill i thought you had better taste than this 

 

homophobe: you deserve no rights 















Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 



[ Tuesday 22:57 ]



homophobe: so fellas

 

homophobe: wanna go to chipotle before we head home

 

jess: why are you texting us we’re right beside eachother

 

Needy Gay: you’re telling me you can hear over eddie??

 

jess: good point 

 

homophobe: n e ways

 

homophobe: chipotle?

 

jess: you’re a genius denbrough 

 

rory: i concur

 

Needy Gay: me and stan are down

 

Needy Gay: Stan and I*

 

Needy Gay: that was stan

 

homophobe: CHIPOTLE IT IS :D



[ Tuesday 23:17 ]



homophobe: i can never show my face in chipotle again

 

jess: you did this to yourself 

 

homophobe: you and stan did this to me

 

homophobe: who carries full bottles of wine around with them you freaks

 

homophobe: i think my back is permanently broken 

 

jess: WE NEEDED SOMETHING TO WASH DOWN THE FOOD

 

Homosexual: Your back is fine, the only thing you damaged was your dignity.

 

homophobe: THATS YOUR FAULT

 

homophobe: all the cashiers laughed at me and now i smell of wine :(

 

ricardo: dont worry big bill, in the words of the great billie eilish

 

ricardo: nobody cried nobody even noticed

 

jess: bill cried 

 

rory: and i’m pretty sure everyone noticed him slip on the wine

 

ricardo: u rite

 

ricardo: sorry billiam you’re on your own here

 

homophobe: you’re all TERRIBLE people now drive me to the ER

 

ricardo: if your back was actually broken eddie would be a lot more concerned 

 

homophobe: IS EDDIE LAUGHING TOO

 

infinity: yea you made me choke on my food

 

homophobe: wooow some world we live in

 

homophobe: the others i can believe but you? someone i think of as a brother? this is unforgivable 

 

ricardo: eds is a bitch of course he laughed 

 

infinity: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BITCH YOU DICKHEAD

 

ricardo: love you babe <3

 

infinity: i’ll tear you limb from limb

 

ricardo: sexy

 

Homosexual: No.

 

infinity: i despise you



literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 



[ Wednesday 02:34 ]



literal demon: what the fuck is going on 

 

mediocre boyscout: mood

 

literal demon: he held my hand

 

literal demon: for the ENTIRE concert

 

literal demon: and he told me i’m cuter than nick jonas

 

literal demon: he’s asleep on me right now

 

literal demon: what is life 

 

literal demon: i cant be dead there’s no way i’d get into heaven

 

literal demon: this must be a dream

 

mediocre boyscout: i believe this is what the kids call “gay”

 

literal demon: i am having a cry seas billiam 

 

mediocre boyscout: are you at his house

 

literal demon: yea i’m waiting for Mrs K to wake up so i can rail her

 

mediocre boyscout: eddies standards are so goddamn low why is he into you 

 

literal demon: we have not confirmed whether or not he is into me 

 

mediocre boyscout: i’m pretty sure the entire basis of this conversation is confirmation of his feelings for you idiot

 

literal demon: HES DROOLING

 

literal demon: IM IN LOVE

 

mediocre boyscout: s i g h



crunchy comrades



[ Sunday 02:03 ]



ricardo: yes i do the cooking

 

ricardo: yes i do the cleaning 

 

Needy Gay: the only thing you know how to cook is frozen pizza and i don’t think you’ve ever cleaned your own room before

 

ricardo: first of all, i CHOOSE to only cook frozen pizza but i know how to cook a variety of meals because i am CULTURED 

 

ricardo: and ill have you know i make my spagheddie homemade spaghetti all the time so you’re WRONG 

 

ricardo: second of all, i don’t need to clean my room because eds rearranges it every time he visits like the cute little shit he is

 

Needy Gay: stop taking advantage of your boyfriend and clean your own room 

 

ricardo: never look a gift horse in the mouth

 

Homosexual: You woke me up.

 

Needy Gay: sorry Stan!!

 

ricardo: staniel welcome to the party

 

Homosexual: I’m going to murder you, Richard Tozier.

 

ricardo: sorry new phone who dis

 

Needy Gay: go to sleep ricardo 

 

ricardo: no thank you

 

ricardo: i am going to listen to harry styles new album

 

Homosexual: Die while you’re at it.

 

Needy Gay: STAN

 

ricardo: :(

 

ricardo: it’s okay mikey, i guess stans just the liam to my harry </3

 

Homosexual: Never compare me to Liam ever again.

 

Needy Gay: okay but zayns solo music >>>

 

Homosexual: Harry’s solo music is the greatest, you heathen.

 

ricardo: harry has the music of god’s 

 

Needy Gay: how dare you disrespect fool for you like this

 

jess: nialls music trumps all 

 

homophobe: are you all just going to ignore my man louis??

 

rory: flicker is the greatest album of time and i will fight you bitches on that

 

infinity: you all raise good points but have you considered; 1Ds music was best when they were all together

 

jess: this is what world peace looks like

 

ricardo changed infinity ’s nickname to “ one dick stan

 

ricardo changed Homosexual ’s nickname to “ one dick Stan

 

ricardo changed the group name to ‘peace was never an option’

 

Needy Gay: you’ve done it again you brilliant son of a gun

 

ricardo: thank you thank you i’m here all week

 

one dick Stan: I’m going back to sleep. Do not disturb me.



[ Tuesday 13:02 ]



jess: boys

 

one dick stan: mother

 

jess: secret santa 

 

jess: will we pick names at lunch?

 

ricardo: sounds like a plan my man

 

homophobe: under no circumstances should anyone purchase sex toys for the person they choose, is that clear?

 

homophobe: this is aimed at you richie you shithead

 

ricardo: i’m sorry you didn’t like the cock ring bill i thought you had better taste than this 

 

homophobe: you deserve no rights 

 

ricardo: okay mr pence



(wheeze) >> mothman



[ Tuesday 13:30 ]



(wheeze): who’d you get

 

mothman: eds :o

 

mothman: it’s called SECRET santa for a reason

 

(wheeze): but i wanna know :((

 

mothman: too bad i’m not telling you 

 

mothman: STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT

 

(wheeze): THEN TELL ME

 

mothman: stop harassing me in my own home

 

(wheeze): you live in the canteen?

 

mothman: home isn’t just a place, sometimes it’s a person (✿ ♥‿♥)

 

(wheeze): stop being corny and tell me who you have 

 

mothman: fine. drum roll please

 

mothman: DONT ACTUALLY DRUM ROLL EDS THE OTHERS WILL BE SUSPICIOUS 

 

(wheeze): i forgot they were here!!

 

(wheeze): drumroll

 

mothman: you’re the cutest

 

mothman: i got ben

 

mothman: who’d you get

 

(wheeze): bill



peace was never an option



[ Tuesday 13:42 ]



jess: richie and eddie you do realise we can all see you texting eachother

 

jess: it’s called SECRET santa for a reason

 

ricardo: that’s what i said!

 

one dick stan: we were talking about something unrelated to secret santa

 

one dick stan: damn it rich



fireball >> firecracker 



[ Tuesday 13:44 ]



fireball: so who’d you get

 

firecracker: HYPOCRISY 

 

firecracker: tell you in history class?

 

fireball: chat then good chap













Chapter Text

peace was never an option



[ Friday 13:43 ]



Needy Gay: me and Stan are heading to the mall after school to go shopping for presents, do any of you want to come with?

 

jess: me please!! i need to pick up my secret santa present

 

Needy Gay: perfect! anyone else?

 

jess: bens coming too but his phone died so he can’t text

 

ricardo: there’s a portable charger in my baby’s locker if ben needs it

 

one dick stan: do not call me that

 

one dick stan: thanks for the offer mikey but me and the village idiots have plans

 

ricardo: you’re one of the village idiots don’t try weasel your way out of the title baby

 

homophobe: how dare you bitches leave me to third wheel reddie

 

one dick Stan: You’re the only one with an IQ low enough to tolerate their shenanigans.

 

homophobe: WOAH WTF BRO 

 

homophobe: HOW DARE YOU DRAG ME

 

homophobe: NOT ONLY DO YOU TOLERATE THEIR SHENANIGANS YOU ALSO ENCOURAGE THEM

 

jess: he’s got you there

 

one dick Stan: I have no idea what you mean.

 

Needy Gay: no printer just fax

 

Needy Gay: so it’s a double date then?

 

jess: no it’s a single date between the four of us

 

jess: we’re swingers

 

homophobe: hot

 

homophobe: have fun fucking

 

homophobe: meanwhile me and the boys will be having a ladies night in

 

ricardo: we’ll also be fucking

 

one dick stan: no we won’t

 

ricardo: who knows where the night will lead 

 

one dick stan: nobody’s fucking bill

 

homophobe: don’t remind me 

 

ricardo: but you’d fuck me???

 

one dick stan: id consider it

 

Needy Gay: i’m begging you PLEASE discuss your sex life OUTSIDE the group chat you unholy freaks 



mediocre boyscout >> literal demon



[ Friday 14:06 ]



mediocre boyscout: are you sure nothing’s happened between you and eddie??

 

literal demon: i’m positive if i somehow secured eds id know 

 

literal demon: am i hallucinating or did that actually just happen

 

mediocre boyscout: i’m so confused

 

literal demon: ain’t no complaints though B)

 

mediocre boyscout: please control yourselves later i cant have your hormones ruin our girls night



peace was never an option



[ Friday 16:04 ]



jess: [attachment.mike.jpg]

 

jess: mike decided to wear a full santa costume

 

homophobe: is this a kink thing

 

homophobe: stan do you have a santa kink

 

one dick Stan: I’m jewish.

 

homophobe: maybe you like the forbidden romance of it

 

one dick Stan: Richie, control your dog.

 

homophobe: :o

 

homophobe: maybe YOU are the homophobe 

 

Needy Gay: i’m still mad that Stan matched with both you and eddie before matching usernames with me

 

one dick Stan changed Needy Gay ’s nickname to “ Daddy December

 

Daddy December: THIS DOESNT MATCH

 

Daddy December: AND IM KIND OF DISTURBED 

 

one dick Stan: Irish culture.

 

homophobe: so i wasn’t wrong when i said this is a kink thing

 

one dick Stan: :)

 

rory: disgusting. all of you.

 

homophobe: chat later gamers we’re convincing eddie to dye his hair with us it needs our full attention 

 

jess: w-with us?

 

jess: you’re dying your hair???

 

homophobe: yes we have decided on pink

 

homophobe: we’re only dying a strip each though because we didn’t buy enough hair dye

 

Daddy December: i feel like the father of three misbehaved idiots

 

jess: don’t you mean the daddy of three misbehaved idiots?

 

Daddy December: now i’m a father of four



[ Friday 18:42 ]



rory: [attachment.thegang.jpg]

 

rory: shopping’s finished!

 

one dick stan: you’re so cute i love you

 

rory: i love you too!

 

homophobe: [attachment.pinkboys.jpg]

 

homophobe: hair dying is also finished 

 

Daddy December: oh wow

 

Daddy December: that was brave of you

 

ricardo: we look cool as fuck!!

 

jess: define cool

 

homophobe: you’re all just jealous because you wish you were in on the action

 

rory: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly harm you?

 

one dick stan: my moms gonna be so pissed 

 

ricardo: oh fuck eds i’m sorry i didn’t even think about that

 

one dick stan: don’t worry that’s the only reason i agreed

 

homophobe: you mean you didn’t just wanna be part of the pink boys??

 

one dick stan: ,, no

 

homophobe: EDDIE

 

homophobe: ADMIT WE LOOK COOL

 

one dick stan: this is the coolest you’ve ever looked

 

rory: and that’s on period

 

jess: stop this

 

jess: that’s how he’s been ending his sentences all day

 

rory: i’m sorry you aren’t hip like me

 

jess: down with the kids

 

rory: B)

 

homophobe: do you gays wanna come to mine on Christmas Eve for secret santa

 

jess: can we binge the shrek movies

 

homophobe: yes 

 

jess: i’ll be there

 

one dick Stan: Okay, Bill.

 

homophobe: two down two to go

 

rory: sounds good, thanks for having us bill!

 

homophobe: no problem ben <3

 

Daddy December: daddy will be there

 

homophobe: WH

 

homophobe: MIKE

 

homophobe: IM CHOKING

 

jess: this took a turn

 

ricardo: please show up in the santa suit

 

Daddy December: ;)



Country Boy >> I luhv youuu



[ Sunday 19:42 ]



Country Boy: Happy Hanukkah Stan! Wanna call later if you get a chance? <3



Disaster Gay >> Distinguished Gay



[ Sunday 19:46 ]



Disaster Gay: happy hanukkah stan!! love you!!



Vermin >> Pest Control



[ Sunday 19:46 ]



Vermin: Stan my man, happy hanukkah old chap



The Brawns >> The Brains



[ Sunday 19:48 ]



The Brawns: happy hanukkah babe! have a good one :)



Mr Benn >> Stan Lee



[ Sunday 19:51 ]



Mr Benn: Happy Hanukkah Stan!! love you buddy



Boneless Bill >> Skellington Stan



[ Sunday 19:53 ]



Boneless Bill: happy hanukkah Stan :) me and the gang bought you something small i hope you don’t mind, Eddie left it with your mom last time he visited 



peace was never an option



[ Sunday 20:48 ]



one dick Stan: I love you all so much. Thank you for your messages and for the binoculars. You guys are the best.

 

homophobe: i love you bro!

 

one dick stan: ily stan :’)

 

jess: are the binoculars okay?? we googled which brands were good but we kept the receipt if they aren’t ideal for birdwatching 

 

one dick Stan: They’re perfect. 

 

ricardo: aww staniel you softie :D i love you my man

 

rory: love you Stan :) <3

 

Daddy December: love you Stan <3



Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay



[ Sunday 20:54 ]



Distinguished Gay: Mike said he loves me.

 

Disaster Gay: i think we ALL love you 

 

Distinguished Gay: Thank you. I love you all too.

 

Disaster Gay: do you love mike 

 

Distinguished Gay: Yes. It just surprised me. 

 

Disaster Gay: has he ever said it in person before

 

Distinguished Gay: No. 



Vermin >> Pest Control



[ Sunday 20:56 ]



Vermin: i can feel you overthinking from my house 

 

Vermin: stop freaking out my funky friend

 

Pest Control: Did Eddie tell you to text me?

 

Vermin: no?? you texted eddie before me?? IM WOUNDED STANIEL WHAT ABOUT OUR BOND

 

Pest Control: There is no bond. You roped me into this friendship and I’m too nice to get rid of you.

 

Vermin: you’re not “too nice” you aren’t even nice you liar

 

Vermin: now stop deflecting and talk to papa

 

Pest Control: Don’t call yourself papa.

 

Pest Control: I didn’t expect Mike to say he loves me, especially over text. I’d prefer if he had told me in person. 

 

Vermin: technically he didn’t say say “i love you” just “love you”

 

Vermin: everyone was telling you they love you it’d be strange if he said nothing

 

Vermin: i’m sure that’s not how he planned on saying it either but mike was your friend before he was your boyfriend, he’s said it hundreds of times to you before you started dating

 

Vermin: i know it’s not ideal but try not to read too much into it staniel, mike wasn’t trying to declare his love for his boyfriend he was showing affection for his friend, im sure when he says it for real for the first time he’ll do it romantically in person 

 

Pest Control: Maybe you’re right. 

 

Vermin: i always am bby B)

 

Pest Control: No, you barely ever are. Don’t let this go to your head. 

 

Pest Control: Thank you, Richie. I appreciate you texting me.

 

Vermin: anytime stan the man uwu



I luhv youuu >> Country Boy



[ Sunday 20:58 ]



I luhv youuu: I’m free to call now.

 

[ Ongoing call with Country Boy ]



















Chapter Text

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon 



[ Tuesday 16:35 ]



mediocre boyscout: i’m stealing your man tozier

 

literal demon: i love you like a brother but so help me god i’ll kill you denbrough

 

mediocre boyscout: i’m sorry rich i just don’t think i can let you have him after today

 

mediocre boyscout: he knows the way to a man’s heart; a 48 pack of worm on a string

 

literal demon: his existence is the way to this man’s heart

 

mediocre boyscout: nerd



peace was never an option



[ Tuesday 16:42 ]



rory: richie is my only friend mayhaps 

 

ricardo: finally someone is giving me the appreciation i deserve

 

jess: how the hell did you afford sisters apparel 

 

ricardo: drug dealer

 

one dick stan: you’ve never been near a single drug in your life nerd

 

ricardo: i got a job for the holidays

 

one dick stan: when 

 

one dick stan: how did i not know about this

 

ricardo: you were too busy riding my dick to notice

 

one dick stan: FUCK YOU

 

ricardo: id rather fuck you

 

homophobe: IM fucking eddie tonight

 

one dick stan: wh

 

homophobe: i love my worms

 

jess: me when the doctor tries to get rid of my tapeworm colony

 

homophobe: BEV NO SJDHDHD

 

jess: thank you for my gift billy boy 

 

jess: i’m finally a mother

 

one dick stan: what are you going to name your turtle 

 

jess: i’m glad you asked eddison 

 

jess: sonic

 

one dick stan: you’re brilliant and i love you 

 

jess: i love you too my boy

 

one dick Stan: Thank you for my present, Beverly. I love it.

 

jess: no problem stan! :) 

 

one dick stan: stan my sexy man i love youu ~£~*.>%{?|

 

one dick Stan: Getting you rainbow vodka was a mistake.

 

one dick stan: no it was a BLESSING 

 

homophobe: where is mike

 

one dick Stan: Behind the couch.

 

jess: he sleeb

 

homophobe: is that a stocking on his head

 

jess: he’s all i want for christmas:)

 

rory: :o

 

rory: i’m going to go look at james charles ass pic and cry 

 

jess: that’s my man!

 

rory: james lookin kinda thicc tho just saying

 

jess: double cheeked up on a thursday afternoon 

 

jess: bill stop twerking you flat bitch 

 

homophobe: i’m taking sonic back you’re abusive

 

jess: FAKE NEWS

 

one dick stan: shut up and pull this christmas cracker with me

 

ricardo: i’ll pull your christmas cracker eds xxx

 

one dick stan: ಠ_ಠ



[ Tuesday 22:03 ]



homophobe: thank you for coming to my humble abode family 

 

homophobe: i will be drinking until further notice 

 

one dick stan: teen drinking is very bad

 

ricardo: i got a fake ID tho



(wheeze) >> mothman



[ Wednesday 04:02 ]



mothman: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY

 

mothman: christmas 

 

mothman: MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY

 

(wheeze): dumbass

 

(wheeze): merry christmas rich <3

 

mothman: mind if i drop in to see you when i’m done fucking your mom

 

(wheeze): you’re the bane of my existence 

 

(wheeze): just for that you better bring junk food with you

 

mothman: anything for you lover ;)



peace was never an option 



[ Wednesday 07:32 ]



homophobe: happy holidays bitches

 

ricardo: this year IM the turkey 

 

ricardo: eds stuff my ass

 

one dick stan: i hate you so fucking much

 

ricardo: you shouldn’t lie you’ll be put on the naughty list ;)))

 

one dick stan: brb gonna go vomit

 

Daddy December: i probably won’t be able to talk to you guys before new year’s eve because i’m spending the holiday with my relatives but i was thinking do you guys wanna go to the barn on New Year's Eve 

 

ricardo: fuck yea mikey 

 

ricardo: eds baby you’re riding with me

 

one dick stan: i’m going to crawl there on all fours

 

ricardo: i’m not one to object to you being on all fours ;)

 

jess: sounds great mike ben and i will be there!!

 

one dick Stan: I will come.

 

ricardo: yeah you will you dog ;) B)

 

homophobe: i think we should excommunicate richie

 

one dick Stan: Agreed.

 

one dick stan: yes pls

 

jess: i approve this message

 

Daddy December: has to be done

 

homophobe: majority rules meeting adjourned

 

ricardo: hussies

 

ricardo: i brighten up your meaningless lives

 

ricardo: you’re all slut-shaming me

 

jess: begone thot



peace was never an option



[ Wednesday 23:58 ]



one dick Stan: I’m glad I’m entering the new decade with you all. 

 

jess: retweet bitcg i love you

 

homophobe: bitcg

 

rory: bitcg

 

Daddy December: bitcg

 

jess: nvm i hate you all

 

homophobe: SHUSH THOTS THE COUNTDOWN IS BEGINNING 

 

homophobe: TEN

 

jess: we could just.. do the countdown out loud in person

 

homophobe: NINE

 

homophobe: EIGHT

 

jess: sigh

 

homophobe: SEVEN

 

homophobe SIX

 

homophobe: FIVE

 

homophobe: FOUR

 

homophobe: THREE

 

homophobe: TWO

 

homophobe: ONE

 

homophobe: HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

Daddy December: bill you’re 6 seconds early

 

homophobe: god fucking damn it




literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 



[ Monday 00:06 ]



literal demon: eddie just kissed me??????