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the gay gang

Chapter Text

[ richie tozier added eddie kaspbrak, ben hanscom, bill denbrough, mike hanlon, beverly marsh and stanley uris to “ the Losers club ” ]


[ Saturday 4:26am ]


richie tozier changed their nickname to “ trashcant


trashcant changed eddie kaspbrak’s nickname to “ richie’s bitch


trashcant changed mike hanlon’s nickname to “ micycle


trashcant changed ben hanscom’s nickname to “ BennyBabe


trashcant changed beverly marsh’s nickname to “ BevvyBoi


trashcant changed bill denbrough’s nickname to “ BillyBitch


trashcant changed stanley uris’ nickname to “ Stan the Man”


trashcant: welcome to Hell you funky little fuckers


[ Saturday 5:32am ]


richie’s bitch: choke


richie’s bitch changed their nickname to “ Eddie


trashcant changed Eddie ’s nickname to “ Spagheddie


trashcant: if thats what you’re into baby ;)


spagheddie: i despise you


trashcant: gasp


trashcant: Eds :o


trashcant: no lying on my good suburban server!


spagheddie: shut up and don’t call me that


BillyBitch: hi yes why the FUCK are you two awake


trashcant: i was looking at memes


spagheddie: i was getting a drink


trashcant: drinking??


trashcant: at this time of day???


trashcant: who are you and what have you done with my lover????


spagheddie: milk you idiot


spagheddie: and dont call me that im not your lover


trashcant: stop denying our love


Stan the Man: I hate both of you.


spagheddie: what did i do???


Stan the Man: You engaged with him.


trashcant: i fucking wish eddie was engaged to me


spagheddie: with. he said WITH


BennyBabe: blease,, im begging you all,, go to sleep


Stan the Man: Yes, do as Ben says.


trashcant: never!!


spagheddie: Richie.


trashcant: welp thats my cue to hit the hay!


trashcant: goodnight y’all!


spagheddie: Y’ALL


BennyBabe: y’all


BillyBitch: y’all


Stan the Man: Y’all.


BevvyBoi: y’all


micycle: y’all


trashcant: where the fuck did you two even come from??


micycle: watch your language cowboy


BevvyBoi: howdy pardner


BennyBabe: i said go to sleep why did the rest of you wake up


BevvyBoi: spite


spagheddie: wow it really do be ya own


BennyBabe: :(


trashcant: B)


Stan the Man: No.


[ Saturday 3:23pm ]


BillyBitch: richie where tf are you???


BillyBitch: you were supposed to be at the quarry half an hour ago


spagheddie: that idiots probably asleep


Stan the Man: That’s what happens when you stay up late to make a groupchat nobody wants.


BevvyBoi: tea


spagheddie: call him out stan!


Stan the Man: I just did.


spagheddie: why do stans texts sound so aggressive


micycle: its an intimidation tactic known as proper grammar


spagheddie: its working


Stan the Man: I know.


spagheddie: ⚆ _ ⚆


BillyBitch: why are you gays still texting when we’re all together?


micycle: do you mean guys?


BillyBitch: did i stutter?


micycle: well..


spagheddie: HDGJFHHS MIKE


BillyBitch: blocked


micycle: didnt they tell you that i was a savage


BevvyBoi: i think you broke eddie


micycle: eddie machine broke


BennyBabe: hes gonna wheeze to death


trashcant: somebody record it i wanna see him laughing


micycle: of course now you choose to reply


trashcant: mike


trashcant: the video


trashcant: blease


BevvyBoi: []


trashcant: id die for you


BevvyBoi: [obamaeyes.jpg]


micycle: 468??


micycle: you have 468 videos of eddie laughing??


BevvyBoi: some of them are pictures


micycle: still?


BevvyBoi: i lov him


BillyBitch: i love eddie too but 468 videos/pictures of him? Really?


BevvyBoi: no theres 468 videos and pics of him laughing


BevvyBoi: theres still 749 other eddie content


spagheddie: about 85% of my camera roll is bev


spagheddie: mlm/wlw solidarity bitchesss


Dumb bi >> Superior bi


[ Saturday 4:58pm ]


Dumb bi: leak the eddie stash you coward


Superior bi: what will i get in return


Dumb bi: whatever you want


Dumb bi: keep in mind ive only got like 8 dollars to my name


Superior bi: hmm


Superior bi: ill get back to you about my payment


Superior bi: [attachment.240images]


Dumb bi: ik you have more than that


Superior bi: you have to earn them


Dumb bi: Understandable have a good day.


the Losers club


[ Sunday 3:56am ]


trashcant: wait we were meant to hang out today?


spagheddie: BYE

Chapter Text

the Losers club


[ Tuesday 5:32pm ]


BennyBabe: are you a coffee gay or a tea gay? Im a tea gay for sure


trashcant: im an energy drink bi


BevvyBoi: im a milkshake bi


micycle: i love me some refreshing water


Stan the Man: I’m a tea gay.


BillyBitch: im a soda lovin pan


spagheddie: im a smoothie gay 100%


BennyBabe: only one of you actually answered my question?


spagheddie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


BennyBabe: sigh


BennyBabe: thank you Stan and Stan only


Stan the Man: You’re welcome.


trashcant: whats your favorite smoothie eds


spagheddie: thats not my name!!


spagheddie: mango and orange


trashcant: adorable


BillyBitch: its a smoothie??


trashcant: ADORABLE.


BillyBitch: im so confused


micycle: just go with it


micycle: thats what the rest of us are doing


BevvyBoi: the rest of us are ignoring him


BevvyBoi changed trashcant’s nickname to whipped bitch


BennyBabe: no printer just fax


spagheddie: i dont approve of this


whipped bitch: yeah you tell em babe!


spagheddie: hes more of a bastard than a bitch


whipped bitch: EDS!!


BillyBitch changed whipped bitch ’s nickname to “ whipped bastard


BillyBitch: u rite


whipped bastard: i hate this fuckiNG FAMILY


Stan the Man: No, you don’t.


whipped bastard: no i dont


micycle: soft


whipped bastard: hellz yea i am


spagheddie: i could help you with that


whipped bastard: what


whipped bastard: WHAT


BillyBitch: oh my god


BennyBabe: EDDIE


BevvyBoi: richie.exe has stopped working


micycle: eddie,, why


spagheddie: i can feel the disappointment through the screen


BevvyBoi: im pretty proud of you


BillyBitch: same


BillyBitch: you finally made richie shut up


BillyBitch: thats impressive


BennyBabe: help richie with his soft dick OUTSIDE the gc


BennyBabe: smh


spagheddie: i was kiddiNG


spagheddie: i would never go anywhere near richies dick


Stan the Man: Sure Jan.


spagheddie: stan no


Stan the Man: Stan yes.


micycle: stan yes


BillyBitch: stan yes


BennyBabe: stan yes


BevvyBoi: stan yes


whipped bastard: okay i have recovered


mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon

[ Tuesday 7:13 ]


mediocre boyscout: it took you ten minutes to recover from a text?


literal demon: it wasnt just a text billy


literal demon: it was a kinky text


literal demon: from EDDIE


literal demon: aimed at ME


mediocre boyscout: thats gay


literal demon: none of us are straight bill


mediocre boyscout: oh yah lol


Carry on my Gayward Son


[ Tuesday 7:16 ]


Actually loving Mom: eddies being gay on main again


Chaotic Gay: i sent it without thinking ogay?


DenBro: maybe ogay will be our always


Actually alive Dad: did you change my name while i was sleeping again


Actually alive Dad: this is so depressing Eddie why??


Chaotic Gay: it wasnt me this time i swear!!


Actually loving mom: in my defence i got the go ahead from eddie first


Actually alive Dad: oh my god Bev!


Actually alive Dad: yours is even worse!!


Actually loving Mom: but babe


Actually loving Mom: we match!!


Actually alive Dad: Bev i love you so much but what the heck


Chaotic Gay: when you and bae have matching usernames * heart eyes emoji *


Actually alive Dad: why did you type it out


DenBro: because hes gay Ben


DenBro: also those usernames are reminding why i want to protect eddie from everything wrong in the world


DenBro: i love you bro


Chaotic Gay: ༼ つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ


Chaotic Gay: i love you too bitch


DenBro: <3333


Actually alive Dad: :’) i love watching my friends love eachother


DenBro: kinky


Chaotic Gay: kinky


Actually loving Mom: kinky


Actually alive Dad: those all came in at exactly the same time smh


Actually alive Dad: get your minds out of the gutter dammit


Actually loving Mom changed Actually alive Dad ’s nickname to “ Dilf


Actually loving Mom changed their nickname to “ Milf


Dilf: disguss ting

Chapter Text

the Losers club

[ Wednesday 2:34am ]


micycle: regina george is a lesbian


spagheddie: ugh ur mind


BevvyBoi: u rite


BillyBitch: in this house we are regina stans first and human beans second


Stan the Man: beans are fuckibg disgusting shut up


spagheddie: stans hatred for beans overrides his need for perfect grammar


BevvyBoi: a typo and inproper punctuation all in one sentence?


BevvyBoi: from stan???


BevvyBoi: are we in some sort of alternate universe????


micycle: the simulation is broken


Stan the Man: Your incessant texting woke me up.


BillyBitch: it was four texts?


Stan the Man: That’s too many.


micycle: ogay but am i right or am i right


Stan the Man: You’re correct.


micycle: so you agree


micycle: you think she’s really gay


Stan the Man: She’s too gay to function.


micycle: FGGGGH


micycle: marry me


Stan the Man: Buy me a nice ring, then we’ll talk.


BevvyBoi: GASP


spagheddie: GASP


Stan the Man: The fact that those came in at the exact same time makes me think you two spend too much time together.


BevvyBoi: we spend a perfectly reasonable amount of time together thank you very much


spagheddie: yea! Perfectly reasonable!!


micycle: arent you at bevs house rn?


spagheddie: mayhaps


spagheddie: but so what?? Friends cant have sleepovers before school starts??


micycle: most friends dont stay at eachothers houses all day and night everyday for two weeks


micycle: seriously when did you last go home


Stan the Man: Is everything okay at home Eddie?


spagheddie: of course!! I just like spending time with my friend!!


Beverly Marsh >> Stanley Uris, Mike Hanlon


[ Wednesday 3:09am ]


Beverly Marsh: drop it gays


Mike Hanlon: you got it chief


Stanley Uris: Fine.


Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay


[ Wednesday 3:11am ]


Distinguished Gay: I know you said everything’s okay but I’m your friend, I know when you’re lying. If something’s wrong you can talk to me.


Distinguished Gay: One gay to another.


Disaster Gay: ik you only said that last part to cheer me up


Distinguished Gay: Did it work?


Disaster Gay: you know it did


Disaster Gay: stuffs just not great with my mom rn


Disaster Gay: or even less great than usual


Disaster Gay: shes been more overbearing than usual about pills recently because she thinks they’ll make me “normal” and i just cant be around her


Disaster Gay: ik i cant stay at bevs forever tho so ill have to go back soon and itll be ten times worse than before


Disaster Gay: i dont really wanna think about it until i have to okay


Distinguished Gay: I’m sorry for pushing it. I’m also sorry your mom’s a raging bitch.




Distinguished Gay: If your mom gets too much to handle when you go home you can stay with me. My parents probably won’t let you stay as long as Beverly’s aunt would, but a few nights would be fine. I understand if you would prefer to stay at somebody else’s house.


Disaster Gay: no id love to stay with you Stan wtf


Disaster Gay: thank you sm <333


Disaster Gay: and thanks for texting me


Disaster Gay: love you Stan


Distinguished Gay: <3


the Losers club


[ Wednesday 3:42am ]


BevvyBoi: what can i say im just eddies favorite ig


whipped bastard: that is not correct, because according to the encyclopedia of fjfjgjhfjfj


BillyBitch: im surprised you can even spell encyclopedia


spagheddie: FKFFHFKKFKFH


BevvyBoi: Richie Tozier found dead in miami


spagheddie: bills rlly living up to his nickname huh


whipped bastard: eds


whipped bastard: tell bev shes wrong


spagheddie: sorry babe lyings a sin and im a child of god


literal demon >> mediocre boyscout


[ Wednesday 3:43am ]


literal demon: BABE!!!


mediocre boyscout: BABE!!


literal demon: FKDDFKGYTUFJBK


mothman >> (wheeze)


[ Wednesday 3:44am ]


mothman: i just read back through the groupchat


mothman: im gonna deprive your mom of all this for ATLEAST a month


mothman: [ video.mp3 ]


(wheeze): did you just send me a video of you,, gesturing to yourself


mothman: my text doesnt have the same effect without the gesture eds


(wheeze): ur an idiot


mothman: u luv it


(wheeze): i guess


mothman: GASP


mothman: IM SWOONING


mothman: my eds flirting with lil ol’ me




mothman: shouting doesnt change the truth eds


mothman: you set out to sweep me off my feet and oh boy have you succeeded


(wheeze): all i said was i guess


mothman: but i knew well enough what you meant sweetheart


(wheeze): what was the purpose of you texting me


mothman: eds, baby, my love, my life


mothman: had to make sure you knew id punish your mother for hurting my man


mothman: in more ways than one ;))


(wheeze): you just said you werent gonna fuck my mom and now youre implying you will??


(wheeze): youre doing a shit job of defending my honor


(wheeze): smh it really do be ya own


mothman: sorry gorgeous


mothman: but the dick wants what it wants


(wheeze): youre a dick alright


mothman: im a huge dick babe ;)


(wheeze): you got that right


mothman: so wyd


mothman: wait


mothman: HEY


(wheeze): djdffdjdj


the Losers club


[ Wednesday 8:42am ]


BennyBabe: every damn day i wake up to find out that once again, you sleep deprived losers have forgone sleeping to blow up my phone like the gremlins you are


BennyBabe: all i ask for is one day without one of you sending weird shit at the dead of night and sparking conversation


[ Thursday 3:22am ]


Whipped bastard: the easter bunny is just jesus’ fursona if you think about it



Chapter Text

the Losers club


[ Thursday 6:22pm ]


spagheddie changed whipped bastard ’s nickname to trashcant


trashcant: order has been restored


[ Thursday 7:43pm ]


BillyBitch: school is hell and i want death


BevvyBoi: big mood


spagheddie: big same


trashcant: big me


micycle: is there context behind your text or is that a general statement?


trashcant: stop using fancy words youre gonna give stan a boner


spagheddie: you fool


spagheddie: that was his plan


Stan the Man: Keep my good name out of your filthy mouths, gremlins.


BillyBitch: eh


BillyBitch: your name’s mediocre at best


Stan the Man: Fucker.


BevvyBoi: d r a g  h i m


trashcant: the tea is piping




spagheddie: still cant believe bens a james charles stan


BennyBabe: im not i just live for the drama in the makeup industry


trashcant: wow ben really is That messy bitch


BennyBabe: maybeso.gif


micycle: eddie said that to me irl the other day


micycle: he straight up said “maybeso.gif” like thats a normal thing that normal people say ever


spagheddie: nothing i do is straight


BevvyBoi: nothing he says is normal


spagheddie: hEY


BillyBitch: w a s t e d


spagheddie: my own bff,, turned against me,


spagheddie: this betrayal runs deep,,


Stan the Man: The gays are being dramatic again.


micycle: you’re gay?


BennyBabe: And what about it?




BevvyBoi: kleg


spagheddie: klEG


trashcant: kleg hurty jiuce


BevvyBoi: jiuce


spagheddie: jiuCE


BillyBitch: oh how the turntables




BillyBitch: leg machine broke


BennyBabe: bill,, sweatie,, what the heck did you do


BillyBitch: i was working on my moves and i fell out of the treehouse and broke my leg


BevvyBoi: you practise flirting in your treehouse??


micycle: i think he means dancing


trashcant: children cast your votes


trashcant: did bill fall out of his treehouse because he was flirting or because he was dancing


spagheddie: this is bill we’re talking about


spagheddie: flirting 100%


Stan the Man: I agree with Eddie.


BennyBabe: ive seen bill dance


BennyBabe: i hope for his sake he was practising dance moves


BillyBitch: o u c h


BillyBitch: that hurt almost as much as breaking my leg


trashcant: sometimes you gotta macarena through the pain Billiam


spagheddie: fhkfhjfhk


BillyBitch: fuck you richie


BillyBitch: youre all wrong


BillyBitch: i was neither dancing nor flirting


BillyBitch: i was trying to do cool new tricks on my heelies


micycle: h-heelies?


Stan the Man: You broke your leg trying to do tricks on your heelies?


BennyBabe: you fell out of a treehouse,, because you were messing in your heelies






BevvyBoi: wait if you broke your leg wouldnt they take your phone while they do hospital shit


micycle: hospital shit


BevvyBoi: shut


BillyBitch: im not in the hospital


micycle: ??


BillyBitch: my parents wont answer the phone and georgie is at his friends house so im still home


BevvyBoi: are you still on the ground


BillyBitch: well i couldnt exactly WALK to the hospital with a BROKEN LEG


Stan the Man: This is the best day of my life.


Stan the Man: I can see him from my window.


Stan the Man: [brokenbill.jpg]








trashcant: eddies gonna burst a blood vessel from laughing so hard


trashcant: bill break your bones more often this is amazing


BillyBitch: im not gonna break my bones just so you can watch eddie laugh!!!


trashcant: bill blease


trashcant changed BillyBitch ’s nickname to s[he’s] br[ok]en”


spagheddie: wait bill how long have you been lying there


Stan the Man: He’s not there anymore I just saw Mike pick him up and drive off with him.


s[he’s] br[ok]en: i needed a hero..


s[he’s] br[ok]en: I held out for a hero til the end of the night


s[he’s] br[ok]en: He had to be strong and he had to be fast and he had to be fresh from the fight


s[he’s] br[ok]en: I needed a hero


s[he’s] br[ok]en: I held out for a hero til the morning light


s[he’s] br[ok]en: He had to be sure


s[he’s] br[ok]en: And it had to be soon


s[he’s] br[ok]en: And he had to be hot and named Mike


BennyBabe: breaking your bones changed you


BevvyBabe: hes always been a freak babe


BennyBabe: youre not wrong


s[he’s] br[ok]en: my fellow Bs,, turned against me


BevvyBabe: who are you?? Eddie??


s[he’s] br[ok]en: no i could never fuck richie


spagheddie: i never fucked richie??


s[he’s] br[ok]en: dammit


s[he’s] br[ok]en: i thought if i said it youd slip up and expose yourself


spagheddie: but i didnt fuck him so theres nothing to expose


trashcant: exactly


trashcant: i fucked him


BevvyBoi: Eddie, sweetie. Im so sorry. Im so sorry that a ugly ass bitch like this would even say that, oh my god.


spagheddie: friendship with fake bitches canceled bevs my only friend now


BennyBabe: what did i do??


Stan the Man: I have done nothing wrong.


micycle: what about me????


spagheddie: i canceled all of you for e m p a s i s


Stan the Man: You spelt ‘emphasis’ wrong.


spagheddie: this is why youre canceled


micycle: bill has a cast and he is asleep


trashcant: ill be there in five


spagheddie: youre leaving me?


BevvyBoi: gay


trashcant: sorry babe duty calls


spagheddie: what are you even doing???


trashcant: thats on a need to know basis


[ Friday 10:07am ]


s[he’s] br[ok]en: richie you fuckface


s[he’s] br[ok]en: THERE ARE DICKS


s[he’s] br[ok]en: ALL OVER MY FUCKING CAST




trashcant: thats my cue to skidaddle on outta here


s[he’s] br[ok]en: RICHIE

Chapter Text

the Losers club


[ Wednesday 19:03 ]


trashcant: it’s October third


s[he’s] br[ok]en: Aaron samuels could catch this bussy


BennyBabe: it’s., it’s literally the 31st?


spagheddie: he didn’t realize it was October until just now


spagheddie: he’s making up for lost time


Stan the Man: How did you not realize it was October? The month's nearly over.


trashcant: Eds cute face distracted me


BevvyBoi: fair


BennyBabe: for 31 days?


trashcant: he’s just that cute what can I say


spagheddie: he’s lying he thought it was still the summer because of how many school days he skipped


trashcant: you’re right but you shouldn’t say it


micycle: why were you skipping school??


trashcant: I thought it was still summer


trashcant: Ed’s already established this keep up micycle


s[he’s] br[ok]en: don’t sass him


BevvyBoi: billy,,,


BevvyBoi: how’ve you been,,,,,


s[he’s] br[ok]en: idk what’s going on but I don’t like it


BevvyBoi: nothing,, just wondering if you’ve been listening to any new music recently,,,


s[he’s] br[ok]en: EDDIE WHAT DID YOU TELL HER


spagheddie: I DID NOTHING


s[he’s] br[ok]en: LIAR


BennyBabe: what’s going on


s[he’s] br[ok]en: EDDIES A RAT




trashcant: I miss when he straightened his bangs


s[he’s] br[ok]en: SHUT UP IM NOT EMO




s[he’s] br[ok]en: HE HEARD NOTHING


s[he’s] br[ok]en: NOTHING I TELL YOU


spagheddie: the entire street heard you billy


spagheddie: it’s okay just admit it bill


micycle changed s[he’s] br[ok]en’s nickname toEmo Thot”


Emo Thot: this is cyber bullying


Stan the Man: Endure it, emo.


trashcant changed Emo Thot ’s nickname to Hot Topic Emo


BennyBabe: gamers are the most discriminated against group in the world


micycle: wh


BevvyBoi: wh


Stan the Man: wh


spagheddie: wh


trashcant: so true Ben T . T


Hot Topic Emo: f


trashcant: f


micycle: this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE


BevvyBoi: we been knew


spagheddie: I blame Richie


Stan the Man: me too


BevvyBoi: same


BennyBabe: same


Hot Topic Emo: same


micycle: same


trashcant: what in the fuck


trashcant: ??? I’m a deLIGHT


trashcant: bitches really ain’t shit


BevvyBoi: what time are we meeting at??


Hot Topic Emo: me and Georgie are going trick or treating in like 10 minutes so about 8:30/9??


Stan the Man: Georgie and I


Hot Topic Emo: ?? I’m taking him not you??


BennyBabe: oh bill


micycle: oh bill


micycle: DRIFT


BennyBabe: DRIFT


BevvyBoi: what’s Georgie dressing as


Hot Topic Emo: he insisted on being a witch


Hot Topic Emo: mom tried to pick up a wizard costume but he said witches are cooler so now he’s wearing an 8 year old girls witch costume


BevvyBoi: I love him


spagheddie: rt


trashcant: rt


BennyBabe: rt


micycle: rt


Stan the Man: rt


trashcant: wait


trashcant: you and Georgie do matching costumes each year


trashcant: are you his cat you furry bitch


spagheddie: HSHCBXJCJDHF


spagheddie: IM SCREAMING








Hot Topic Emo: trick or treat Bitch


spagheddie: [billandgeorgie.jpg]


BevvyBoi: I-


BevvyBoi has changed Hot Topic Emo ‘s nickname to Bill the Broom


Bill the Broom: listen


Bill the Broom: Georgie insisted and I love my brother too much to say no


trashcant: soft


Bill the Broom: you have never said no to Eddie in your life ever you don’t get to judge me bitch


BevvyBoi: whoomp there it is


trashcant: I say no to Eddie all the time


micycle: last week you carried eddie up six steep flights of stairs all because he said he was tired


BennyBabe: one time you spent the entire day bending awkwardly to shield eddies eyes from the sun because he said it was annoying him


Stan the Man: You literally ran to the school and back to get Eddie‘s book for him because he didn’t want to do the work at lunch. It’s a twenty minute run.


Bill the Broom: when we were twelve you broke your leg falling out of a tree because Eddie said he wanted one of the leaves and you were determined to find the prettiest one for him


BevvyBoi: any time eddies in the car you make sure to drive the long way around just because Eddie doesn’t like the Paul bunion statue


BevvyBoi: that’s like six dollars worth of gas and you drive Eddie everywhere


trashcant: he fixes my car for free!! It’s a fair exchange!!


Carry on my Gayward Son


[ Wednesday 19:43 ]


Chaotic Gay: does Richie is gay for me???


Milf: Eddie I love you but you’re a dumb gay


Dilf: finally


DenBro: reply in the groupchat or it’ll get awkward and I don’t need you gays ruining Halloween


Chaotic Gay: okay broom boy


the Losers club


[ Wednesday 19:47 ]


spagheddie: gay


trashcant: you’re a walking rainbow flag what kinda wack hypocrisy is this


BevvyBoi: hypocrisy doesn’t look real


BennyBabe: me: knows it’s pronounced hip-aw-Chris-ee


BennyBabe: My last brain cell: hippo-cry-sea


Bill the Broom: I think Ben is dyslexic


BennyBabe: [andwhataboutit.gif]


mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon


[ Wednesday 20:24 ]


literal demon: I’ve just arrived at eddies house


literal demon: bill im so gay


mediocre boyscout: what that Boy do


literal demon: he’s wearing a bACKPACK




mediocre boyscout: Richie


mediocre boyscout: he wears a backpack to school


mediocre boyscout: e v e r y d a y


literal demon: everyday bro?


mediocre boyscout: fuck outta here with your Jake Pauler shit


mediocre boyscout: it’s logang for life, fuckface


literal demon: GASP


the Losers club


[ Wednesday 20:26 ]




trashcant: Jake Paul or Logan Paul?


BevvyBoi: gotta go with Jake


BevvyBoi: he’s the lesser evil of the two


BennyBabe: I don’t like either but Logan’s videos are more entertaining


Bill the Broom: this is why Ben is the favorite


Stan the Man: Isn’t Jake racist?


Stan the Man: Neither are particularly enticing options but I’ll go with Logan.


micycle: gotta agree with Stan here


spagheddie: neither. Tessa Brooks or death.


trashcant: Eds has the only valid answer love you so much baby


spagheddie: eat shit dickhead


trashcant: uwu


BevvyBoi: the competitions shook


spagheddie: THESE BOYS UP ON ME




spagheddie: LEMME EDUCATE YA




trashcant: [eddiebeingeddie.jpg]


trashcant: W O W






BevvyBoi: I LOVE ONE (1) MAN


BennyBabe: aw


BevvyBoi: I LOVE TWO (2) MEN


micycle: stan says this is anti Semitic and homophobic


trashcant: oh you’re typing for him now? ;)


micycle: shut


BevvyBoi: I LOVE THREE (3) MEN


micycle: I bought you a milkshake yesterday


BevvyBoi: I LOVE FOUR (4) MEN


Bill the Broom: I just wanna be loved


BevvyBoi: I,, love five (5) men?


trashcant: saving the best till last I see B)


BevvyBoi: :) i love Five (5) men


trashcant: hEY




BevvyBoi: you peed in my shoe


trashcant: accidentally


spagheddie: you Still peed in it


trashcant: a c c i d e n t a l l y


spagheddie: how do you accidentally piss in someone’s shoe?? You were sober


trashcant: I thought it was MY shoe


spagheddie: hello, 911?


Bill the Broom: isn’t Richie at your house? Why are you two texting when you’re beside eachother


spagheddie: we’re being inclusive you discriminatory bitch


trashcant: fuck you bill you racist fuck


trashcant: maybe next time you’ll think about what you say, asshole


trashcant: smh can’t believe homophobia is thriving in this day and age


trashcant: you disgust me




trashcant: that sounds like a you problem


micycle: protect him from your cruel bigotry


Bill the Broom: you’re all dramatic as fuck


BevvyBoi: as gays, it is our god given right to be dramatic


spagheddie: Period.


trashcant: Period.


BennyBabe: Period.


Stan the Man: Period.


micycle: Period.


Bill the Broom: s i g h


Bill the Broom: just hurry up and get to my house I wanna eat something before we leave


BennyBabe: are we sure this is a good idea


BevvyBoi: ghost hunting in the Neibolt House is the best idea we’ve ever had babe


BevvyBoi: all seven of our brain cells worked together to produce it


Stan the Man: That House terrifies me.


micycle: this is what I get for befriending white people


micycle: if any of you break out a oujia board I’m leaving you there to die


trashcant: nobody’s gonna die


spagheddie: then what is the point??


BevvyBoi: then what’s the point??


BevvyBoi: DRIFT


spagheddie: DRIFT


Bill the Broom: GAYS!


Bill the Broom: FOCUS


Bill the Broom: COME TO MY HOME! N O W


trashcant: we’re coming faster than Eddies mom did last night


spagheddie: someone will die and it will be Richie


Stan the Man: Good.


Country Boy >> I luhv youuu


[ Wednesday 20:57 ]


Country Boy: hey are you sure you’re okay? You’ve hardly texted all day and you’ve been quieter than usual irl too


I luhv youuu: I just really don’t like that house.


I luhv youuu: I know it’s stupid to be afraid of some old building when I’m 17 years old but it scares the shit out of me.


Country Boy: if it’s stupid to be scared shitless of that house then I guess I’m stupid


Country Boy: I’ll be with you the entire time tho I promise


Country Boy: and if it gets too much to handle I’ll take you back to bills and we can chill there


I luhv youuu: I don’t want to ruin your night.


Country Boy: you won’t be ruining it I already told you I’m not keen on the idea anyway


Country Boy: and besides, spending time with you is the best Halloween plan I can think of


I luhv youuu: Alright then.


I luhv youuu: Thanks, Mike.


Country Boy: No problem Stan.


I luhv youuu: Shut up.


Country Boy: Make me.


mothman >> (wheeze)


[ Wednesday 21:01 ]


(wheeze): i just saw Stan Kiss Mike


(wheeze): i was stuck under the chair so they didn’t notice me and now they’re making out


(wheeze): Richie THeres no way to escape without drawing attention to myself pls help


(wheeze): if I move the chair will fall


mothman: how did you get stuck under a chair


(wheeze): bev bet me five dollars that i couldn’t fit underneath it and I needed the money but then I got stuck and she took photos then left


(wheeze): but that’s not important Richie stan will murder me if he knows I’m here you gotta help


mothman: i don’t gotta do anything


(wheeze): please Rich?


mothman: be there in a second


(wheeze): thank you <3


mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon


[ Wednesday 21:03 ]


literal demon: im gay


mediocre boyscout: did you just break my fucking cupboards


mothman >> (wheeze)


[ Wednesday 21:04 ]


(wheeze): when I said help me I didn’t mean wreck bills kitchen


mothman: how should I have known the door would open hard enough to make everything fall off the walls


(wheeze): why was it necessary to use that much force??


(wheeze): don’t you dare make a joke about my mom


mothman: but you practically handed that to me


mothman: and I was trying to make them aware of my presence so they would think I don’t know about them


mothman: i was being a considerate friend!! Stan probably doesn’t want anyone knowing yet!!


(wheeze): wow i love you


mothman: i love you too sugartits


(wheeze): Choke.


mediocre boyscout  >> literal demon


[ Wednesday 21:08 ]


literal demon: [textswitheddie.jpg]


mediocre boyscout: he said he loves you,, and you called him sugartits,,,


mediocre boyscout: also what’s with the scribbles over the other texts??


literal demon: just more of me being gay for Eddie don’t worry about it


mediocre boyscout: okay dumbass


literal demon: wh


the Losers club


[ Wednesday 21:13 ]


BevvyBoi: well I’m guessing that ideas out of the question now


BevvyBoi: you bring shame upon your fellow Bisexuals Richie


trashcant: I came out here for a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now


Bill the Room: okay we need to be quick about this luckily the crash didn’t wake my parents or Georgie but we don’t know how long they’ll stay asleep


Bill the Broom: Bev Eddie and Mike you three are gonna try getting everything back onto the wall


Bill the Broom: Ben and Stan you two clear up all the broken dishes and any other mess on the floor


Bill the Broom: Richie you’ll come with me to buy new dishes and whatever else needs replacing


micycle: so no neibolt house?


Bill the Broom: no not this year


Bill the Broom: hopefully next year SOMEBODY doesn’t fuck things up for us


trashcant: again; feeling attacked!


mothman >> (wheeze)


[ Wednesday 21:22 ]


mothman: you see the abuse I’m putting up with for you??


(wheeze): im sorry Richie


mothman: you owe me big time Eds


(wheeze): that’s fair


(wheeze): you’re not actually upset are you?


mothman: nah nobody can stay mad at this fine specimen for long


(wheeze): fine isn’t the word I’d use but okay


mothman: Need i remind you the reason anyone’s mad in the first place is because I was helping you?


(wheeze): touché


mothman: thought so


(wheeze): <3


mothman: <3


Country Boy >> I luhv youuu


[ Wednesday 21:24 ]


Country Boy: looks like we don’t have to worry about neibolt house after all


I luhv youuu: Apparently not.


Country Boy: guess you’ll have to wait till next year to hold my hand when you get scared then


I luhv youuu: Can I hold your hand anyway or is being scared a necessary requirement?


Country Boy: Stan you smooth son of a bitch


Country Boy: usually I’d say being scared is an absolute necessity but I can make an exception for you IF you agree to go a date with me?


I luhv youuu: I suppose I could free up some time for you on Saturday.


Country Boy: Stan you spend all your free time with me anyway I know you don’t have anything else on


I luhv youuu: Nevermind, I don’t want to go on a date with you.




I luhv youuu: You sound a bit desperate.


Country Boy: only for you babe ;)


I luhv youuu: Never, ever text like Richie again and we have a deal.


Country Boy: I’ll pick you up at 1 on Saturday?


I luhv youuu: That works for me.


Country Boy: Alright it’s a date!


I luhv youuu: Yes, that’s the point, Mike.


Country Boy: damn you Stan


Country Boy: damn you

Chapter Text

the Losers club


[ Thursday 02:14 ]


Bill the Broom: I’m never allowing reddie to enter my home again


spagheddie: this is homophobic i have done nothing to warrant this hostility


trashcant: what kind of biphobic nonsense is this


trashcant: I made one (1) eensy weensy mistake and suddenly I’m a bad person??


trashcant: That’s a toxic way to live bill


trashcant: shame on you


trashcant: stop succumbing to cancel culture you fuck


BevvyBoi: you broke his sink


trashcant: Ben said he could fix it!!


BevvyBoi: ben the builder


Stan the Man: You were still moronic enough to break it in the first place.


trashcant: Eddie was too!!


spagheddie: fucker


spagheddie: I was only there because you insisted I go with you!!!




spagheddie: YEA YOU DID






BevvyBoi: how’d he even get you in there


BevvyBoi: he’s scrawny


trashcant: [pickachushocked.jpg]


BennyBabe: tea


Micycle: how’d you like them apples son?


spagheddie: it be ya own


trashcant: this is bi on bi crime


Bill the Broom: how has my family slept through all of this


Micycle: if we had woken Georgie up I’d cry


Stan the Man: If we had woken Georgie up I would kill myself.


Micycle: jesus Stanley


spagheddie: Stan no


Bill the Broom: wait Eddie where are you??? Your sleeping bag is empty


BevvyBoi: he’s with me and Ben


Spagheddie: we’re cuddling


BennyBabe: I have an armful of Eddie


trashcant: that’s the dream


Micycle: Eddie Bev and Ben are the living embodiment of that parks and rec episode


Micycle: you know the one


BennyBabe: this is my girlfriend Bev and this is Bev’s boyfriend Eddie




spagheddie: Ben is my boyfriend too


spagheddie: he’s a beautiful boy


spagheddie: a smart, caring, beautiful boy


Bill the Broom: rt


Micycle: rt


Stan the Man: rt


BevvyBoi: rt


trashcant: rt


BennyBabe: hush you gays <3


trashcant: these are real loving Ben hanscom hours


Bill the Broom: all hours are living Ben hanscom hours


trashcant: u rite u rite


BennyBabe: richies only buttering me up so I’ll fix the mess he made




spagheddie: IT WAS YOUR FAULT




Bill the Broom: who the fuck just threw something at me


spagheddie: sorry Billy I was aiming for Richie


trashcant: my own lover,, ABUSING ME






spagheddie: it’s dark I miscalculated where Richie would be


BevvyBoi: this happens everytime bill you should know better than to sleep near Richie when Eddie’s around


spagheddie: he aggravates me more than any other human I’ve ever met


trashcant: you love it baby


spagheddie: maybe so


mediocre boyscout >> literal demon

[ Thursday 2:39am ]


mediocre boyscout: owo what’s this


literal demon: you fucking furry you shitty fuckibg furry why would you even oh my god

Chapter Text

the Losers club


[Thursday 12:38]


Bill the Broom: do you think my parents noticed that the dishes were different


BevvyBoi: bill.. You sweet, sweet fool…


BevvyBoi: you bought Lightning McQueen themed plates…


BevvyBoi: i think they noticed


Bill the Broom: dammit


Stan the Man: If it’s any consolation, I think they’re an improvement from your old plates.


Bill the Broom: what is with you and my plates??? 


Stan the Man: They were neon green and ugly.


Stan the Man: Seriously, where did you get them from? I want to send in a complaint to the manufacturer.


BevvyBoi: you think a car plate is better than a green one???


Stan the Man: It was neon green. Nobody wants their plate to glow while they’re trying to enjoy their meal.


micycle: but they want to stare into the godless eyes of a living vehicle???


trashcant: leave Lightning McQueen alone you sluts


trashcant: Stan is the only intellectual in this chat the rest of you are cowards


spagheddie: if you dont stop eating the strawberries from my strawberry crunch when you think im not looking i will beat the shit out of you richard


trashcant: oo feisty 


trashcant: just like your mom was when i came over last night ;))




trashcant: its more sugar than fruit but go off i guess


spagheddie: i dont give a fuck its my sugar get your own


trashcant: but i want you to give me some sugar baby <3


BennyBabe: eddie please stop kicking richie 


BennyBabe: you keep getting bill by mistake and i dont think his shins can handle it


trashcant: stop stealing all of eddies kicks!!!


Bill the Broom: stop stealing all of eddies strawberries!!!


Bill the Broom: eddie please my knees are going fall off 


Bill the Broom: how do you have so much energy at this hour


micycle: it’s past noon


Bill the Broom: i said what i said


spagheddie: sorry billy


trashcant: wheres my apology????? You were TRYING to kick me


spagheddie: i stand by my actions 


trashcant: and i stand by mine so i refuse to stop taking your food


trashcant: fight the power 


trashcant: ow bev what the fuck??


BevvyBoi: i love eddie but he is a loud boy and i am Too Tired so stop with your weird pigtail-pulling and eat your own breakfast


trashcant: f i n e


Bill the Broom: oh thank god


Stan the Man: You have the exact same cereal as him.


trashcant: it tastes better when it’s illegal


BevvyBoi: no cops at pride just richie and eddies strawberries


trashcant: his strawberries huh ;)




spagheddie: :)


trashcant: why must you forsake me


trashcant: i’m never showing you my skateboard tricks again


spagheddie: you cant even skate


spagheddie: you just find strange ways to fall off


Bill the Broom: i’ve seen his tricks they’re pretty dope


Bill the Broom: remember that time he did a flip and landed on the skateboard


Stan the Man: He landed on his face.


Bill the Broom: but he landed on it


micycle: he broke his nose


trashcant: but i landed on it


trashcant: this is why bill is the only bitch i skate with


trashcant: he understands that skating isn’t about skill it’s about spirit


Bill the Broom: i’ve got you bro


trashcant: and i love you for it bro


trashcant: <3 bro <3


Bill the Broom: <3 bro <3


micycle: you two should not be allowed skate together


micycle: you’re both hazards to yourselves and society


micycle: bill literally fell out of his treehouse because he thought it would be a good idea to practice heelie tricks in there 


micycle: it’s like you have one shared braincell and it’s never awake


Bill the Broom: WH


trashcant: EYE


trashcant: MIKE


trashcant: WHAT THE FUCK


trashcant: MY OWN FATHER


micycle: no.


trashcant: daddy why


BennyBabe: mike really said [im_about_to_end_this_mans_entire_career.gif]


spagheddie: richie has a scar on his ass from when he got his literal buttcheek caught in one of the wheels on his skateboard 


BevvyBoi: WHAT


BennyBabe: HE HAS WHAT


Stan the Man: Well that’s just delightful.


micycle: this just further proves my point


trashcant: EDDIE




Bill the Broom: it’s true i’ve seen it


trashcant: et tu brute 


BennyBabe: why do both of you know this


Bill the Broom: we were having a twerk off


BevvyBoi: that


BevvyBoi: that doesn’t make this any better


spagheddie: who won 


Bill the Broom: we never came to a conclusion we got distracted by the ass scar


BevvyBoi: disappointing 


BennyBabe: eddie how do you know about it


spagheddie: i was there when it happened


spagheddie: it was fuvking strange


spagheddie: rich was wearing shorts and i gave him a wedgie bc he was annoying me and he did one of his tricks and his ass got caught in the wheel midair


spagheddie: and just kept spinning


spagheddie: it was fucking hilarious


micycle: is that even physically possible


BevvyBoi: it’s richie


BevvyBoi: are you really surprised


micycle: i suppose not


trashcant: eds you little shit


trashcant: this is absolutely not funny, delete this immediately or my lawyer will be in contact


spagheddie: lets go baby i know the law


BennyBabe: why are we still texting??? we’re all sitting together???


BevvyBoi: clown culture


micycle: you mean richies heritage?


trashcant: i would like to be excluded from this narrative that i have never asked to be a part of since 2009

Chapter Text

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon


[ Saturday 12:34 ]


mediocre boyscout: richie you gay bitch


literal demon: wh


literal demon: ??? WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW




mediocre boyscout: i saw the bridge


mediocre boyscout: don’t tell me there just so happens to be another R+E in this tiny town


literal demon: there could be


mediocre boyscout: has eddie seen it


literal demon: no


literal demon: or atleast he hasn’t mentioned it so i assume he hasn’t


mediocre boyscout: what are you gonna say if he does see it


mediocre boyscout: i mean i firmly believe he’s in love with you but we both know you’re on that dumb bitch juice 


mediocre boyscout: you might wanna think about what you’re gonna say instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind


literal demon: first of all i’m the height of intellect


literal demon: secondly why does it matter 


literal demon: it doesn’t have to be a romantic thing


literal demon: i’m going to spend the rest of my life with eddie even if it’s just as friends


mediocre boyscout: how would that not be interpreted as romantic 


literal demon: idk but eddie won’t question it he’s on that dumb bitch juice too


literal demon: we match <3


mediocre boyscout: hey


mediocre boyscout: u rite tho

the Losers club


[ Saturday 1:03pm ]


BevvyBoi: why did i decide to get a job


BevvyBoi: who thought hiring me would be a good idea


BevvyBoi: i am just a caterpillar enclosed in the chrysalis of capitalism


BennyBabe changed the group name to ‘crunchy comrades’ 


BennyBabe: i’m no commie but in an ideal world we’d live under communist rule


BevvyBoi: russia lived under communist rule for a while


BevvyBoi: didn’t work out so great for them


BennyBabe: how well is capitalism working out for us


Bill the Broom: bev you capitalist scum




trashcant: governments are overrated i say we just chill man


spagheddie: the french snapped with guillotines y’all just saying


trashcant: bring back guillotines 2020


spagheddie: you’re the first person i’d use one on 


trashcant: so no head?


Bill the Broom: eddie if you don’t marry him for that i will


spagheddie: stfu i already married richie


trashcant: best day of my life i can confirm


trashcant: but we never got a chance to consummate the marriage :(


spagheddie: we were FIVE consummation would’ve been fucking weird


Bill the Broom: how did richie manage to bag you at the age of five


Bill the Broom: he can’t even get you to compliment him now 


BevvyBoi: i thought we were gonna get married 


BennyBabe: huh


BevvyBoi: dw you’re in on this marriage too babe


BennyBabe: h u h


spagheddie: we still are lover i’ll divorce bitch boy


BennyBabe: HUH


trashcant: that is NO way to treat your husband


trashcant: ALSO


trashcant: I DIDNT BAG EDDIE


trashcant: HE bagged ME


spagheddie: i hadn’t developed a brain yet don’t take my poor judgement to heart


trashcant: say what you want but you PROPOSED to me mr kaspbrak 


trashcant: he gave me a ring and everything


spagheddie: it was a ring pop and you ate it it doesn’t even exist anymore 


trashcant: of course it exists


trashcant: that plastic is out there somewhere spaghetti 


trashcant: you won my hand in marriage but at what cost


BevvyBoi: eddie single handedly caused global warming


Bill the Broom: problematic fave


trashcant changed their nickname to “ mr kaspbrak


spagheddie: who said you’re taking my last name


spagheddie: what if i wanna be mr tozier 


mr kaspbrak changed spagheddie ’s nickname to “ mr tozier


mr kaspbrak: careful what you wish for xox


mr tozier: i am so sick of being alive


mr kaspbrak: don’t make a widow out of me


mr kaspbrak: or do


mr kaspbrak: i’ll secure the bag

Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay

[ Saturday 1:48pm ]


Disaster Gay: Stan


Disaster Gay: my man


Disaster Gay: staniel 


Disaster Gay: ew i sound like richie nvm


Disaster Gay: idk where you are but i’m at your house 


Disaster Gay: my mom was being shitty so i came over and your mom insisted i stay even tho you’re not home so i’m chilling here don’t be mad 


Disaster Gay: you cant be mad anyway tho cause you told me i could stay whenever so if you think about it this is your fault


Disaster Gay: where are you anyway? ik your schedule you don’t have anything planned for today


[ Distinguished Gay missed (4) calls from Disaster Gay ]


Distinguished Gay: You’re in my house right now?


Disaster Gay: yup


Disaster Gay: on your desk chair


Distinguished Gay: Are your shoes off?


Disaster Gay: yes 


Disaster Gay: [attachment.1image]


Distinguished Gay: Nice socks.


Disaster Gay: i can tell you’re laughing at me stanley how dare you 


Disaster Gay: they’re eggs and they’re the cutest thing richie’s ever got me


Distinguished Gay: Why do they have arms? They’re eggs. They don’t need arms. Why do they have arms but not legs?


Disaster Gay: even eggs need hugs


Distinguished Gay: They don’t even have faces. They just have arms. Nothing is cute about that.


Disaster Gay: they grow on you


Distinguished Gay: Like mould.


Disaster Gay: keep harassing me shitlord you still haven’t told me where you are tho


Disaster Gay: i thought we could bond


Disaster Gay: i even brought twizzlers 


Distinguished Gay: I love you.


Distinguished Gay: I will be home soon. I am with Mike.


Disaster Gay: oooooo


Disaster Gay: i see ;)


Disaster Gay: take your time there’s no rush


Disaster Gay: is it cool if i stay here for a bit tho? i don’t think your mom would let me leave even if i wanted to 


Distinguished Gay: Of course, stay as long as you want. I don’t mind. I’ll see you soon. 


Distinguished Gay: Mention anything about Mike to anyone and I’ll strangle you.


Disaster Gay: OwO


Disaster Gay: so you admit there’s something to be worth mentioning


Distinguished Gay: We are birdwatching. Or we’re trying to, but I got distracted by a gremlin.


Disaster Gay: i’m going to ignore the gremlin comment bc you haven’t denied what i’m implying


Distinguished Gay: He’s cute, I’m gay, it’s a date and I am enjoying it. Goodbye Eddie, don’t eat all the twizzlers without me.


Disaster Gay: i would never willingly subject myself to those plastic sticks of sugar


Disaster Gay: i have some self respect 


Disaster Gay: A DATE


Disaster Gay: OH MY GOD YES 




gabriella >> sharpay 


[ Saturday 4:18pm ]


gabriella: you aren’t actually a capitalist are you?


sharpay: BEN NO

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades


[ Saturday 18:14 ]


Stan the Man: Mike has a fuckigg rock collection 


Stan the Man: there are so mangy


mr kaspbrak: fuckigg 


BevvyBoi: mangy


Bill the Broom: stan are you like,, okay??


micycle: he’s crying 


micycle: he’s been crying for twenty minutes all because i whipped out my rock collection


micycle: i told him to stop laughing at them and it made him laugh harder


micycle: i think he’s about to throw up 


mr tozier: stop hogging stans laughter and send videos smh


BennyBabe: if i don’t see stan laugh right this second i’ll die mike


BennyBabe: i swear i’ll do it


micycle: [attachment.1video]


micycle: this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, i’ve truly peaked


micycle: don’t get me wrong


micycle: stan laughing this hard is the best thing i’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing


micycle: but i’m concerned now he won’t stop help


BevvyBoi: stan has no right to be so cute


Bill the Broom: retweet 


Bill the Broom: i love curly boy


mr kaspbrak changed Stan the Man ’s nickname to “Curly Wurly” 


mr tozier: i’m coming for your mans mike


micycle: no you’re not


mr kaspbrak: no you’re not


mr tozier: i want to be mr uris


Curly Wurly: Please, Mr Uris is my father. I am Mr Stan the curly man.


micycle: he’s laughing at his own joke now


mr tozier: stan is a pothead 


mr kaspbrak: blaze it stan my fair fellow


mr kaspbrak: smoking the devils lettuce? on rosh hashanah? stan how could you


mr kaspbrak: happy rosh hashanah btw dickweed 


mr kaspbrak: can y’all believe stan is like 3000 years ahead of us


mr kaspbrak: am i still handsome in the future












BevvyBoi: november 24th can’t come soon enough


mr kaspbrak: maybe for you it can’t


mr kaspbrak: i’m the sucker who’ll be driving our asses to boston for the fucking jonas brothers


mr tozier: HEY




mr kaspbrak: NO PROOF


mr tozier: [attachment.4videos]


Bill the Broom: wow richie you sound just like nick


Bill the Broom: if he had tonsillitis 


mr kaspbrak: your mom didn’t seem to mind my voice last night


Bill the Broom: are you trying to imply that you sang while fucking my mom because that’s just strange man


Bill the Broom: eddie come collect your mans


mr tozier: i don’t wanna


mr tozier: i’m not into the whole sex singing thing 


mr tozier: unless he’s singing my praises 


mr tozier: (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞


BennyBabe has removed mr tozier from the groupchat


BennyBabe: brb guys gotta go bleach my eyes!

firecracker >> fireball


[ Saturday 19:37 ]


firecracker: who removed me


fireball: i’m sorry buddy but i am Not Telling


firecracker: okay it was ben


fireball: damn it

gabriella >> sharpay 


[ Saturday 19:37 ]


sharpay: sorry babe


crunchy comrades


[ Saturday 19:42 ]






Bill the Broom: you have angered the boy 


Bill the Broom: you beautiful fool


mr kaspbrak: it’s raining


Bill the Broom: well done richie you’re right


mr kaspbrak: what is he doing outside when it’s raining??




mr kaspbrak: that rats gonna get sick and then annoy me until he gets better god damn it


Bill the Broom: you don’t usually have a problem with eddie annoying you


BevvyBoi: if anything you encourage it


mr kaspbrak: look i love spaghetti man 


mr kaspbrak: he may be my best friend but when he is ill,, he is unbearable 


mr kaspbrak: last time he spent the whole week bitching at me for being able to breathe when he couldn’t


BevvyBoi: just don’t visit him while he’s sick?


mr kaspbrak: but then i won’t get to spend time with my eds 


BevvyBoi added mr tozier to the groupchat 


mr kaspbrak: OOO IDEA


mr kaspbrak changed mr tozier ’s nickname to “m’eddison” 


mr kaspbrak: i am truly a genius


BennyBabe: is m’eddison some weird kink thing bc if it is i’ll get rid of you too richard


mr kaspbrak: no it’s an intellectual thing


mr kaspbrak: eddison because that’s his name and m bc it sounds like medicine


BevvyBoi: that’s,, not eddies name


mr tozier: what the fuck richard




[ mr kaspbrak has left the chat ]


Bill the Broom: CJDJSJSJSH


mr tozier: WH



  mediocre boyscout >> literal demon


[ Saturday 20:02 ]


literal demon: bill you bastard


mediocre boyscout: SKJSJSJSHS


literal demon: WHY 


literal demon: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME


mediocre boyscout: IM SORRY




mediocre boyscout: I KNOW IM SO SORRY SKDHSJSH








mediocre boyscout: I WAS FOUR I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY




mediocre boyscout: okay but in my defense


mediocre boyscout: shits funny


literal demon: ,,, tru


literal demon: eddie is never gonna let this go


mothman >> (wheeze)


[ Saturday 20:11 ]


mothman: are you still out in the rain?


(wheeze): no but i was about to leave bens in a minute


mothman: wait there i’ll pick you up


(wheeze): thanks rich


mothman: no problem eds


(wheeze): don’t you mean eddison? :)


mothman: SHUT UP


crunchy comrades


[ Saturday 20:14 ]


Curly Wurly: Wait Eddie you aren’t at my house?


m’eddison: i left the twizzlers there don’t worry


Curly Wurly: Thank you.


Curly Wurly: Are you coming back? I’m nearly at home now.


m’eddison: i am currently in richie’s car and i think we’re going to his house so no


m’eddison: but we could hang out tomorrow?


Curly Wurly: Okay, we will see eachother then. 


BevvyBoi has added mr kaspbrak to the groupchat


BevvyBoi: can i come


m’eddison: of course my love


BevvyBoi: <3 been missing you babe my shift lasted years


Bill the Broom: how is target


BevvyBoi: i dissociate as soon as i walk through the door 


Bill the Broom: understandable have a good day


Country Boy >> I luhv youuu


[ Saturday 20:16 ]


Country Boy: i had a really great time today


I luhv youuu: Me too. I haven’t laughed that much since the time Richie ripped his pants.


Country Boy: i like making you laugh


Country Boy: not to sound gay but your laugh is beautiful 


Country Boy: also you say that like there’s only been one instance of richie ripping his pants but i can remember him doing that atleast six times in the past year


I luhv youuu: The time he was dancing to Britney Spears.


I luhv youuu: That sounded pretty gay, Mike.


Country Boy: i’m pretty gay for you stan


Country Boy: would you be down to go on another date soon? 


I luhv youuu: I would be down.


Country Boy: that sounded strange with the perfect punctuation 


I luhv youuu: Noted. Goodnight, Mike.


Country Boy: Goodnight, Stan. <3


I luhv youuu: <3

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 

[ Tuesday 02:13 ]

mr kaspbrak: eddie saying dude is the most unsettling thing i’ve ever experienced


mr kaspbrak: it’s so aggressively not-eddie-ish


m’eddison: woah dude i don’t know what you mean bro


mr kaspbrak: STOP IT THOT 


BevvyBoi: eddie you’re too gay for this what are you doing


m’eddison: dude are you calling me gay? what the fuck bruh i’m a hetero 


micycle: what is going on 


micycle: richie what did you do to him


m’eddison: mike my man! sup dude 


micycle: never contact me again 


mr kaspbrak: i called eddie bro and now he won’t stop talking Like That


m’eddison: broskillet don’t fret dude just chillax man


BevvyBoi: noo don’t act straight your so sexy aha


m’eddison: what’re you wearing baby girl ;)


mr kaspbrak: no


BevvyBoi: what straight men have you been speaking to who tf says baby girl


m’eddison: idk my only friends are you guys and you’re all pretty gay i don’t have much frame of reference 


mr kaspbrak: you think i’m pretty? B)


m’eddison: well yeah obviously but that’s not the point and you know it


mr kaspbrak: oh


mr kaspbrak: oh right 


mr kaspbrak: okay


mr kaspbrak: cool


mr kaspbrak: that’s cool


mr kaspbrak: i gotta go walk my pet wasp


m’eddison: rich you are in my bed you’re literally right beside me


m’eddison: and you’re allergic to wasps???


mr kaspbrak: SHUT UP EDS

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 

[ Tuesday 02:34 ]

literal demon: HE THINKS IM PRETTY

crunchy comrades 

[ Tuesday 02:35 ]

BennyBabe: richie 


BennyBabe: eddie


BennyBabe: i love you both sm


BennyBabe: but if you’re with eachother rn then go be gay in person and stop blowing my phone up AT TWO IN THE GODDAM MORNING


m’eddison: richie you turd


mr kaspbrak: WHAT DID I DO




BevvyBoi: triunle


Bill the Broom: triunle


mr kaspbrak: its your fault we’re in triunle you started it shithead


m’eddison: i’ll kill you dickbrains mark my fucking words


m’eddison: you better sleep with one eye open


mr kaspbrak: i think i’m safe there’s a cute little idiot spooning me rn


m’eddison: WHORE


mr kaspbrak: i’m YOUR whore uwu




m’eddison: sorry ben ;-;


mr kaspbrak: you don’t own me


m’eddison: stop typing you’re elbowing me


mr kaspbrak: you didn’t seem to mind last night ;)


mr kaspbrak: on a completely unrelated note i am putting my phone away 


Bill the Broom: whipped

Carry on my Gayward Son

[ Tuesday 02:52 ]

milf: oh so y’all are gay gay


DenBro: god this is tragic


DenBro: i hate watching your fucking strange mating dance unfurl


DenBro: the two of you still have the exact same flirting methods as you did when we were kids except they’re slightly more sexual now 


Chaotic Gay: i have never flirted with richie in my life ever 


milf: go spoon your boyfriend you filthy liar


dilf: please i am Begging


milf: oh shit sorry babe


DenBro: sorry ben!!


dilf: sigh

crunchy comrades

[Tuesday 06:45 ]

Curly Wurly: It’s a school night, why do you idiots keep doing this?


m’eddison: richie started it hes the one who texted the chat first


Curly Wurly: So? You replied. As did Beverly, Bill, and Ben. All four of you reply every night. The only person who doesn’t reply other than myself is Mike.


m’eddison: sorry not all of us have SMART boyfriends like mike who go to sleep at a NORMAL time stanley stop judging me 


BevvyBoi: boyfriend?


BevvyBoi: inch resting


Bill the Broom: owo what’s this


BennyBabe: who’s your boyfriend eddie? :)




m’eddison: BOY WHO IS A FRIEND




mr kaspbrak: why eds you never even bought me dinner before announcing our relationship status 


mr kaspbrak: can’t believe i’m being treated so poorly by my boyfriend




mr kaspbrak: this is a virtual chat


m’eddison: slip of the thumb


mr kaspbrak: my boyfriend is a dumb ass




mr kaspbrak: oh?


mr kaspbrak: who were you talking about then


mr kaspbrak: which slut do i need to fight for your affections my love


m’eddison: maybe i meant bill


Bill the Broom: eddie don’t do this to me


m’eddison: bill is my boy friend 


m’eddison: my friend who is a boy who is bill


m’eddison: my billfriend if you will


m’eddison changed Bill the Broom’s nickname to ‘billfriend’


billfriend: why eddie why

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 

[ Tuesday 7:01 ]



mediocre boyscout: damn it










literal demon: oh my god you don’t think he finds me repulsive do you


mediocre boyscout: richie no of course not!


mediocre boyscout: he wouldn’t have spent all night spooning you if he thought you were repulsive


literal demon: true true


mediocre boyscout: richie eddie loves you you know what he’s like


mediocre boyscout: he’s defensive over everything


mediocre boyscout: he’s just Like That


literal demon: i know he’s so hot


mediocre boyscout: and he’s back

crunchy comrades

[ Tuesday 12:34 ]

BennyBabe: where is everyone?? i’ve been at our table for ten minutes and nobody else has come??


BevvyBoi: babe,, we’re in class,, where you should also be


BennyBabe: what 


BennyBabe: oh fuck


BevvyBoi: DJDHSGS 


Curly Wurly: If you didn’t stay on your phone until three in the morning, this wouldn’t happen.


BevvyBoi: why are you victim blaming 


BevvyBoi: shame on you stanford


billfriend: could you assholes get off your phones and actually talk to me? we’re supposed to be doing group work


billfriend: emphasis on GROUP

mothman >> (wheeze)

[ Friday 09:13 ]

mothman: so eds my darling boyfriend 


(wheeze): i’m not eds or your boyfriend but continue


mothman: i’m ignoring that


mothman: i was thinking we could stop for food on our way back to mine?


(wheeze): i thought we were going to bills tonight


mothman: we are but your mom is busy until then and i have time to kill so i figured we could do stuff beforehand 


(wheeze): beep beep asshole


(wheeze): stuff like what 


mothman: get takeaway and finish the politician?


(wheeze): oh


(wheeze): i’d like that :)


mothman: cool it’s a date


mothman: seeya spaghetti man


(wheeze): see you then rich 

firecracker >> fireball

[ Friday 09:16 ]

firecracker: i think i’m going on a date with richie 


fireball: WHAT


firecracker: [attachment.2images]


fireball: OH MY GOD




firecracker: I KNOW 


firecracker: what the fuck do i wear


firecracker: like it’s a date but it’s casual but it’s a date


firecracker: idk how to be casual enough without being too casual i’m gay bev help


fireball: wear nothing


firecracker: goodbye 

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades

[ Friday 18:56 ]

mr kaspbrak changed their nickname to ‘ricardo’


mr tozier changed their nickname to ‘infinity’


ricardo: we found our doppelgängers in the politician


ricardo: should i bleach my hair?


ricardo: no that’s crazy 


ricardo: … unless


Curly Wurly: You should not be allowed anywhere near any chemicals. You’re a hazard to everyone around you. 


ricardo: my dicks a hazard




ricardo: you hear that eds ;)


infinity: die 


ricardo: gladly


BennyBabe: NO


BevvyBoi: why does mario kart tour have a daily limit on coins


BevvyBoi: i’m TRYING to save up to buy waluigi but i CANT because of this DAMN limit


BennyBabe: smash your phone


BevvyBoi: ben why


BennyBabe: arent you tired of being nice? don’t you just wanna go apeshit?


BevvyBoi: ..,god my boyfriends smart


BevvyBoi: your low tier boyfriends could NEVER my mans be talking straight philosophy up in here


micycle: your man may be cute but mine is literally called stan THE man so who’s really got the superior lover here


Curly Wurly: I do.


micycle: STAB 


BevvyBoi: stab 


ricardo: stab


BennyBabe: stab 


infinity: stab


billfriend: stab


micycle: i’ll stab y’all if you don’t shush


Curly Wurly: Dear God, what have i done?


ricardo: i would willingly die at your gracious hands mike


Curly Wurly: if anyone is gonna kill you it’s gonna be me


BevvyBoi: okay backstreet boy


infinity: why cant i kill richie


ricardo: wh




infinity: this is exactly why i should get to be the one who kills him 


Curly Wurly: You have a conflict of interests whereas i am guaranteed to get the job done.


infinity: I Have No Idea What You Mean


billfriend: okay losers my family have officially left the building


billfriend: so get your butts over here now


billfriend: we’re watching alvin and the chipmunks: the squeakuel


BevvyBoi: aka the greatest alvin and the chipmunks film


BennyBabe: i thought the first one was pretty good


ricardo: i mean this in the most loving way possible,, die


infinity: honestly same the first one was better


ricardo: your mind >>>


BennyBabe: WHAT

fireball >> firecracker

[ Friday 19:03 ]

fireball: you love the second one eddie i know you have more taste than this


firecracker: maybe so






fireball: valid


firecracker: oh yeah that’s the good stuff


fireball: god id hate you if i didn’t love you so much


firecracker: don’t pretend you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if you wanted compliments from ben


fireball: ,, true


fireball: bold of you to assume ben needs incentive to compliment me tho


fireball: my mans does it regardless


fireball: actually so does richie idk why you bother


firecracker: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


firecracker: i enjoy the side order of drama 


fireball: gotta respect the grind


firecracker: (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)


firecracker: cue miley cyrus’ i adore you


fireball: uwu

crunchy comrades

[ Friday 19:54 ]

micycle: i forgot about bills crush on simon


Curly Wurly: I wish it had stayed forgotten.


infinity: so bill really is a furry huh


ricardo: if bill were a chipmunk he’d be alvin


ricardo: i think you should fully embrace your furry side billiam


ricardo: there is nothing more seductive than a teenage boy in a fur suit 


Curly Wurly: What the fuck has Eddie been wearing?


ricardo: if i had my way, nothing


infinity: GO AWAY


BevvyBoi: eddie would be brittany


infinity: i love she 


ricardo: then bill cant be alvin


BevvyBoi: why not richie:)


ricardo: because




billfriend: WHAT




BevvyBoi changed billfriend’s nickname to ‘homophobe’

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon

[ Friday 19:57 ]

mediocre boyscout: TERRIBLE SAVE ASSHOLE


literal demon: I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING


mediocre boyscout: or you could have said NOTHING


literal demon: are you telling me to shut up because i’m gay? maybe i was right

crunchy comrades 

[ Friday 20:01 ]



infinity: yea you’re damaging the goods


BennyBabe: aww


BennyBabe: that was terrible why am i soft


BevvyBoi: you’re just cute like that idk


BennyBabe: ?? i love you???


BevvyBoi: that’s funny bc i love you too


BennyBabe: :)


BevvyBoi: <3




ricardo: fuck wrong chat








micycle: understandable have a good day


Curly Wurly: Is anyone actually going to finish watching the movie or shall I just turn it off?


homophobe: don’t you dare


homophobe: i’m coming back i won’t miss a second more of simons sweet stature for richie’s crusty self


ricardo: you have crabs whore


homophobe: i got them from your mom slut


ricardo: :o


ricardo: THATS MY LINE


BevvyBoi: get out of the basement idiot 


BevvyBoi: and bring eddie back with you 


infinity: cuddles?


BevvyBoi: cuddles.


infinity: BYE RICH


ricardo: your threats are empty when you’re still holding my hand


ricardo: HEY DONT LET GO


Curly Wurly: This is going to keep going in circles, please just return to the sitting room.


infinity: okay daddy


ricardo: ok daddy


Curly Wurly: Disgusting. Both of you. 

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades

[ Tuesday 04:15 ]

infinity: how is richie not a slytherin


infinity: is it possible to cheat on your hogwarts house test bc i’m certain richie did


ricardo: this is what keeps you up at night eds?


ricardo: not the sound of me making sweet love to Mrs K but my hogwarts house?


ricardo: aww are you sad we aren’t in the same one 


ricardo: that’s precious 


BevvyBoi: richie doesn’t deserve to be in our house edward that’s our territory


ricardo: giving spagheddie nicknames is MY territory 


ricardo: FIGHT ME






ricardo: because you’re just too gosh darn cute


infinity: don’t call me that


ricardo: why cant i call you cute?? you are


ricardo: the CUTEST


infinity: i’m COOL


ricardo: eds baby i love you so much but you’re in the losers club for a reason


infinity:’ve got me there

firecracker >> fireball

[ Tuesday 04:28 ]

firecracker: holy fuck


firecracker: are you seeing this shit


fireball: eddie stay strong


fireball: i know it’s hard but it’s november if you nut you’re letting us all down


firecracker: SHUT UP


firecracker: i wasn’t going to nut


firecracker: i was just going to say


firecracker: that’s gay


fireball: you went on a literal date with him less than a week ago


fireball: that’s gay


firecracker: touchè


firecracker: has he mentioned it to you at all


fireball: not really why?


firecracker: he hasn’t brought it up again to me


firecracker: i thought we had a good time but maybe he didn’t enjoy it as much as i thought?


firecracker: he hasn’t asked me out again either


fireball: maybe he’s nervous 


fireball: have you brought it up to him? 




fireball: then maybe he’s worried that YOU didn’t enjoy it because he made the first move and you haven’t asked him out yet


firecracker: do you think i should ask him out???


fireball: i’ve been telling you to ask him out every day since we turned 15 


fireball: please ask him out


fireball: the pining was cute at first but now we all just want you to hurry up and get to the part where you’re both happy together 


firecracker: awww soft


fireball: I Would Die For You


firecracker: I Will Die For You First


fireball: now go get your mans 


firecracker: wait


firecracker: where the fuck should we go


firecracker: do we watch a movie?? get food?? both?? neither??


fireball: eddie it’s going to be okay


fireball: just go get milkshakes and hang out like you usually do


firecracker: is that not too boring?


fireball: richie asked you over to watch films and eat takeaway 


fireball: that’s just as mundane but you still enjoyed yourself right?


firecracker: yea i did


firecracker: i really did


fireball: then don’t worry about it


fireball: if you stress out then richie will stress out and that doesn’t do anyone any good so just take it easy for now


fireball: it’s only your second date you can go do extravagant shit together once you get a bit more comfortable with the change in your relationship, there’s no rush


firecracker: you are wise beyond your years


firecracker: thank you bev <3


firecracker: i love you 。◕‿◕。


fireball: i love you too little man


fireball: you can repay me by taking me for milkshakes too


fireball: preferably not at the same time as richie


firecracker: two hot dates in one week? it’s all coming up eddie ☜(˚▽˚)☞


fireball: richie better watch his back i’m omw to steal his man


firecracker: you’ve already stolen MY UWUS


fireball: uwu


firecracker: uwu

(wheeze) >> mothman

[ Tuesday 04:43 ]

(wheeze): so


(wheeze): friday


(wheeze): you 


(wheeze): me


(wheeze): milkshakes?


mothman: you had me at ‘you’


(wheeze): nerd


mothman: that’s a slur 


(wheeze): you’re a slur


mothman: the sexiest slur on the planet 


(wheeze): i rescind my invitation i refuse to be associated with you 


mothman: you shouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me eds i make everyone look ugly in comparison it’s not just you 


(wheeze): you calling me ugly bitch boy?


mothman: :o


mothman: i would NEVER


mothman: you’re an asshole and we’re thrilled to have you here


(wheeze): HEY




mothman: you might look like one but you’re no angel darling


(wheeze): that was disgusting i’m going to puke 




(wheeze): IT WAS CHEESY








mothman: you’re like a cat


(wheeze): shut up with your furry agenda 


mothman: if you’re a furry i’m a furry


(wheeze): GOODNIGHT


mothman: goodnight my love 


(wheeze): >:( <3


mothman: ;)

crunchy comrades

[ Tuesday 06:31 ]

homophobe: wait what house is richie in then??


ricardo: ravenclaw bby


Curly Wurly: That quiz is not accurate.


micycle: HA 




Curly Wurly: Goodbye, Mike.


ricardo: in another life




ricardo: i would be your girl


homophobe: ELEVEN??


ricardo: make it full of promises


BevvyBoi: EL???


Curly Wurly: You all spend too much time on tik tok.


ricardo: according to my screen time in the settings i only spend 6 hours on tik tok daily


Curly Wurly: This is why you wear glasses.


ricardo: the rest of my time is spent fucking spagheddies mom 


infinity: bitch i’ll kill you


homophobe: why are richie and mike literally identical 


micycle: wh


micycle: bill we look nothing alike


micycle: richie’s white as fuck


ricardo: i wish i were as hot as mike


infinity: you are 


ricardo: well i never! my eds thinks lil old me is hot? 


ricardo: i knew you loved me back <3


infinity: this love is purely physical i’m using you for your body


ricardo: i’m alright with that 

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 

[ Tuesday 07:14 ]

literal demon: he’s using me for my body <3


mediocre boyscout: he’s sexually attracted to string beans


literal demon: HEY


literal demon: my guns are HUGE 


mediocre boyscout: the only guns you’ve got are the virtual ones in your video games


literal demon: maybe so but eddie thinks i’m hot so choke on that


mediocre boyscout: i will do so willingly i’m into that 


literal demon: how am i the one labelled demon honestly


mediocre boyscout: well you cant be a boyscout you got kicked out


literal demon: only because the leaders were fascists 


mediocre boyscout: you forced someone to eat mud richie they were doing God’s work kicking you out


literal demon: i may have lost my status as boyscout but no one is safe from my mud bill.


literal demon: No one.

crunchy comrades

[ Tuesday 07:28 ]

homophobe: ignoring whatever the fuck that was


homophobe: i meant mike wheeler


infinity: mikes boring


ricardo: i’m way more fun than him 


ricardo: Mike WISHES he was on my level


micycle: mike looks like richie if he took pride in his appearance 








Curly Wurly: I have to agree with Richie here, curls are infinitely superior to Mike’s locks.




micycle: touchè


BennyBabe changed BevvyBoi ’s nickname to ‘jess’


BevvyBoi changed BennyBabe ’s nickname to ‘rory’


rory: we gave up on gilmore girls after jess left


jess: we had a good run though


jess: atleast now we’ve finally changed our damn nicknames


rory: and they match!


Curly Wurly: Adorable.


micycle: are we the only ones who don’t have matching nicknames 


homophobe: I EXIST


homophobe: i don’t even have someone to match with!!


Curly Wurly changed their nickname to ‘ Homosexual


Homosexual: We match.


micycle: WHAT ABOUT ME


homophobe: stan is my ONLY friend 


Homosexual changed micycle ’s nickname to ‘ Needy Gay


Needy Gay: these do NOT match 


homophobe: hush homo stan is mine now


Homosexual: False.


homophobe: just let me enjoy my victory a little longer


Needy Gay: you may have won the battle but you’ll never win the war


Homosexual: Stop being dramatic and meet me at my locker.


rory: oooo are you guys gonna ~smooch~


Needy Gay: disgusting. before marriage? absolutely not


Needy Gay: we’re just gonna dry hump


rory: WH


infinity: stans about to piss himself i can see him laughing from my locker


Needy Gay: not to be gay on main but THATS MY SOULMATE


ricardo: Gay.


infinity: Gay.


rory: Gay.


jess: Gay.


homophobe: Gay.


Homosexual: Gay.

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 

[ Friday 16:47 ]

infinity: i’m straight now


jess: damn richie what the fuck did you do








infinity: because that’s DISGUSTING 


ricardo: i thought it tasted quite nice


infinity: ew what the fuck rich


Needy Gay: who’s willing to bet eddies smiling even though he’s pretending to be angry in here


infinity: there’s nothing fake about my anger


ricardo: [eds_smiling.jpg]


infinity: i have to go right now right away


Needy Gay: EXPOSED


ricardo: ain’t he just the cutest southern bell y’all ever did see??? *sweating*


homophobe: never type out *sweating* ever again you freak


ricardo: but i’m sweating 


infinity: ew richie 


ricardo: that’s what your mom said last night


infinity: i mean you’re not wrong


jess: eddie do you have my socks


infinity: the blue ones with the stars on them?


jess: yeah those


infinity: no


rory: wh


homophobe: i didn’t know those were yours


homophobe: im wearing them


jess: what size shoe are you?? how can you fit your feet in my socks??


homophobe: a US 7 and a half 


jess: huh


jess: i didn’t see that coming


rory: how do bev eddie and bill all have the same size feet yet both of them tower over eddie height wise


Needy Gay: physics


rory: that does not explain anything


Needy Gay: if you don’t understand now then you never will


rory: i’ll accept that

[ Tuesday 05:45 ]

Homosexual: The doors to the concert open at 18:30. The drive should take atleast 4 hours, not including any pit stops we have to make or unexpected delays in traffic. It should take us roughly an hour to eat food if we stop at an actual diner, however if we simply buy snacks from a convenience store to eat on the way, it’ll be significantly quicker. I think we should meet at 13:15, drive to the nearest convenience store to fill up on petrol and buy snacks, then drive to the stadium. This allows 1 hour and 15 minutes for any emergency bathroom breaks or heavy traffic. I expect you all to be ready to go by 13:00. I have all the tickets on my person and will give them to each of you at the door of the stadium and no sooner. Any questions?


Needy Gay: i love you


Homosexual: That’s not a question. I love you too.


jess: why cant we have our tickets before we get there


Homosexual: I don’t trust any of you to be responsible. Next question.


ricardo: why the fuck are you awake this early


Homosexual: I like to be prepared.


infinity: evidently 


homophobe: i’m guessing the seats are the usual 


ricardo: you can sit anywhere you like in the back i don’t give a fuck once eds sits beside me


infinity: eternal shotgun bitch


ricardo: INFINITY shotgun


rory: i call dibs on a window seat


jess: guess i’m in the middle then


homophobe: i’ll sit beside bev


homophobe: i’m not third wheeling stanlon in the back


Needy Gay: fine by me, that means we can make out


Homosexual: Just be ready, please.


ricardo: you can count on us stanny boy


Homosexual: Do not refer to me by that ever again.


ricardo: you got it stanny fanny


Needy Gay: f..fanny


infinity: shut up and take me home richard


ricardo: as you wish edward


homophobe: you are all so fucking gay i cant stand it


rory: your username remains accurate


homophobe: why am i the victim of cyber crimes


ricardo: bc ur mom gay lol


homophobe: WHORE

fireball >> firecracker

[ Tuesday 08:03 ]

fireball: why does richie need to take you home, hmm edward?


firecracker: mayhaps i slept at his house beverly


fireball: inch resting *side eye emoji*


fireball: another date night that ran late?


firecracker: he just showed up at my house last night and was like “eds let’s go for a drive” so we drove around for a bit listening to music and lost track of time and his house was closer so we ended up staying there


fireball: aww eddie


fireball: that may be cute but don’t think you’re allowed skip out on me now that you’ve got yourself a man


fireball: i expect you to still sleep at my house atleast once every two weeks


firecracker: but of course miss marsh i wouldn’t dream of dropping you


firecracker: who else would i bitch about people to


fireball: you bitch to everybody 


firecracker: fair point but you’re my favorite person to bitch to


fireball: really? even better than richie?


firecracker: even better than him


firecracker: much better than him actually he doesn’t take me seriously when i bitch he thinks i’m being funny


fireball: that fool


fireball: you’re NEVER funny


firecracker: exactly!!


firecracker: wait 


firecracker: HEY


fireball: gottem B)

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon 

[ Tuesday 08:05 ]

mediocre boyscout: why are you awake at a normal hour 


mediocre boyscout: this is unlike you


literal demon: RUDE


literal demon: i’m in love billy boy


mediocre boyscout: we been knew slut


literal demon: :(


literal demon: ANYWAY


literal demon: my stupid soulmate keeps making me sleep at reasonable hours >:( if he weren’t the greatest person on earth i’d hate him


mediocre boyscout: is this why you keep randomly disappearing before 11 


mediocre boyscout: how many times has he slept over??


literal demon: almost as much as his mom


literal demon: most days these past few weeks


mediocre boyscout: inch resting


mediocre boyscout: did something happen between you two


mediocre boyscout: usually he’d stay at bevs if stuff was bad with his mom but he hasn’t mentioned anything about home being hard or anything and yet he’s always at your house


mediocre boyscout: if you got a man and didn’t tell me i’ll kill you richard


literal demon: you know you’d be the first to know if i somehow managed to secure eds


literal demon: maybe he’s started smoking pot


literal demon: that’d explain why he’s so happy lately


mediocre boyscout: we should investigate 


literal demon: alright Dt. Denbrough


mediocre boyscout: you know you’re to address me as Sherlock when i’m investigating 


literal demon: bro i love you


literal demon: you fucking weirdo


mediocre boyscout: go drive your not-boyfriend home watson


literal demon: whatever you say sherlock 

The Losers Club

[ Tuesday 12:43 ]

Needy Gay: me and Stan have been listening to Burnin Up for 20 minutes 


Needy Gay: if nick doesn’t sing the red dress bit i’ll get onstage and sing it myself


Homosexual: I’ll leave immediately.


rory: if nick doesn’t make eye contact with me across the crowd and invite me to come back stage after the concert because he fell in love with me then what pray tell is the point??


jess: STORYTIME! my boyfriend LEFT ME for NICK JONAS?!? *not clickbait*


homophobe: bevs just using you for clout ben date me instead


jess: back off my mans denbrough


homophobe: stop hogging ben i want a slice of the cake


jess: understandable bens double cheeked up


jess: when you read that text picture me watering at the mouth


rory: aw thanks guys that’s so sweet


rory: slightly objectifying but sweet


homophobe: fuck me 


rory: no


homophobe: :(


jess: :)


rory: :/

Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay

[ Tuesday 13:24 ]

Distinguished Gay: Did you buy any twizzlers while you were in the store? 


Disaster Gay: no but there’s two packs in my bag hang on i’ll pass it back to you


Distinguished Gay: Thank you. Also Mike wants to know if you bought M&Ms.


Disaster Gay: rich bought pretzel ones


Disaster Gay: i think bill has them 


Distinguished Gay: Thank you. 


Disaster Gay: no problem Stan!! how’s the backseat? are you and mike fucking yet


Distinguished Gay: Would I be texting you about twizzlers if I was having sex?


Disaster Gay: hey whatever you’re into, no judgment here my friend 


Distinguished Gay changed Disaster Gay ’s nickname to “ Disgusting Gay


Disgusting Gay: they hated jesus because he spoke the truth

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 

[ Tuesday 22:57 ]

homophobe: so fellas


homophobe: wanna go to chipotle before we head home


jess: why are you texting us we’re right beside eachother


Needy Gay: you’re telling me you can hear over eddie??


jess: good point 


homophobe: n e ways


homophobe: chipotle?


jess: you’re a genius denbrough 


rory: i concur


Needy Gay: me and stan are down


Needy Gay: Stan and I*


Needy Gay: that was stan



[ Tuesday 23:17 ]

homophobe: i can never show my face in chipotle again


jess: you did this to yourself 


homophobe: you and stan did this to me


homophobe: who carries full bottles of wine around with them you freaks


homophobe: i think my back is permanently broken 




Homosexual: Your back is fine, the only thing you damaged was your dignity.




homophobe: all the cashiers laughed at me and now i smell of wine :(


ricardo: dont worry big bill, in the words of the great billie eilish


ricardo: nobody cried nobody even noticed


jess: bill cried 


rory: and i’m pretty sure everyone noticed him slip on the wine


ricardo: u rite


ricardo: sorry billiam you’re on your own here


homophobe: you’re all TERRIBLE people now drive me to the ER


ricardo: if your back was actually broken eddie would be a lot more concerned 




infinity: yea you made me choke on my food


homophobe: wooow some world we live in


homophobe: the others i can believe but you? someone i think of as a brother? this is unforgivable 


ricardo: eds is a bitch of course he laughed 




ricardo: love you babe <3


infinity: i’ll tear you limb from limb


ricardo: sexy


Homosexual: No.


infinity: i despise you

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 

[ Wednesday 02:34 ]

literal demon: what the fuck is going on 


mediocre boyscout: mood


literal demon: he held my hand


literal demon: for the ENTIRE concert


literal demon: and he told me i’m cuter than nick jonas


literal demon: he’s asleep on me right now


literal demon: what is life 


literal demon: i cant be dead there’s no way i’d get into heaven


literal demon: this must be a dream


mediocre boyscout: i believe this is what the kids call “gay”


literal demon: i am having a cry seas billiam 


mediocre boyscout: are you at his house


literal demon: yea i’m waiting for Mrs K to wake up so i can rail her


mediocre boyscout: eddies standards are so goddamn low why is he into you 


literal demon: we have not confirmed whether or not he is into me 


mediocre boyscout: i’m pretty sure the entire basis of this conversation is confirmation of his feelings for you idiot


literal demon: HES DROOLING


literal demon: IM IN LOVE


mediocre boyscout: s i g h

crunchy comrades

[ Sunday 02:03 ]

ricardo: yes i do the cooking


ricardo: yes i do the cleaning 


Needy Gay: the only thing you know how to cook is frozen pizza and i don’t think you’ve ever cleaned your own room before


ricardo: first of all, i CHOOSE to only cook frozen pizza but i know how to cook a variety of meals because i am CULTURED 


ricardo: and ill have you know i make my spagheddie homemade spaghetti all the time so you’re WRONG 


ricardo: second of all, i don’t need to clean my room because eds rearranges it every time he visits like the cute little shit he is


Needy Gay: stop taking advantage of your boyfriend and clean your own room 


ricardo: never look a gift horse in the mouth


Homosexual: You woke me up.


Needy Gay: sorry Stan!!


ricardo: staniel welcome to the party


Homosexual: I’m going to murder you, Richard Tozier.


ricardo: sorry new phone who dis


Needy Gay: go to sleep ricardo 


ricardo: no thank you


ricardo: i am going to listen to harry styles new album


Homosexual: Die while you’re at it.


Needy Gay: STAN


ricardo: :(


ricardo: it’s okay mikey, i guess stans just the liam to my harry </3


Homosexual: Never compare me to Liam ever again.


Needy Gay: okay but zayns solo music >>>


Homosexual: Harry’s solo music is the greatest, you heathen.


ricardo: harry has the music of god’s 


Needy Gay: how dare you disrespect fool for you like this


jess: nialls music trumps all 


homophobe: are you all just going to ignore my man louis??


rory: flicker is the greatest album of time and i will fight you bitches on that


infinity: you all raise good points but have you considered; 1Ds music was best when they were all together


jess: this is what world peace looks like


ricardo changed infinity ’s nickname to “ one dick stan


ricardo changed Homosexual ’s nickname to “ one dick Stan


ricardo changed the group name to ‘peace was never an option’


Needy Gay: you’ve done it again you brilliant son of a gun


ricardo: thank you thank you i’m here all week


one dick Stan: I’m going back to sleep. Do not disturb me.

[ Tuesday 13:02 ]

jess: boys


one dick stan: mother


jess: secret santa 


jess: will we pick names at lunch?


ricardo: sounds like a plan my man


homophobe: under no circumstances should anyone purchase sex toys for the person they choose, is that clear?


homophobe: this is aimed at you richie you shithead


ricardo: i’m sorry you didn’t like the cock ring bill i thought you had better taste than this 


homophobe: you deserve no rights 

Chapter Text

crunchy comrades 

[ Tuesday 22:57 ]

homophobe: so fellas


homophobe: wanna go to chipotle before we head home


jess: why are you texting us we’re right beside eachother


Needy Gay: you’re telling me you can hear over eddie??


jess: good point 


homophobe: n e ways


homophobe: chipotle?


jess: you’re a genius denbrough 


rory: i concur


Needy Gay: me and stan are down


Needy Gay: Stan and I*


Needy Gay: that was stan


homophobe: CHIPOTLE IT IS :D

[ Tuesday 23:17 ]

homophobe: i can never show my face in chipotle again


jess: you did this to yourself 


homophobe: you and stan did this to me


homophobe: who carries full bottles of wine around with them you freaks


homophobe: i think my back is permanently broken 




Homosexual: Your back is fine, the only thing you damaged was your dignity.




homophobe: all the cashiers laughed at me and now i smell of wine :(


ricardo: dont worry big bill, in the words of the great billie eilish


ricardo: nobody cried nobody even noticed


jess: bill cried 


rory: and i’m pretty sure everyone noticed him slip on the wine


ricardo: u rite


ricardo: sorry billiam you’re on your own here


homophobe: you’re all TERRIBLE people now drive me to the ER


ricardo: if your back was actually broken eddie would be a lot more concerned 




infinity: yea you made me choke on my food


homophobe: wooow some world we live in


homophobe: the others i can believe but you? someone i think of as a brother? this is unforgivable 


ricardo: eds is a bitch of course he laughed 




ricardo: love you babe <3


infinity: i’ll tear you limb from limb


ricardo: sexy


Homosexual: No.


infinity: i despise you

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 

[ Wednesday 02:34 ]

literal demon: what the fuck is going on 


mediocre boyscout: mood


literal demon: he held my hand


literal demon: for the ENTIRE concert


literal demon: and he told me i’m cuter than nick jonas


literal demon: he’s asleep on me right now


literal demon: what is life 


literal demon: i cant be dead there’s no way i’d get into heaven


literal demon: this must be a dream


mediocre boyscout: i believe this is what the kids call “gay”


literal demon: i am having a cry seas billiam 


mediocre boyscout: are you at his house


literal demon: yea i’m waiting for Mrs K to wake up so i can rail her


mediocre boyscout: eddies standards are so goddamn low why is he into you 


literal demon: we have not confirmed whether or not he is into me 


mediocre boyscout: i’m pretty sure the entire basis of this conversation is confirmation of his feelings for you idiot


literal demon: HES DROOLING


literal demon: IM IN LOVE


mediocre boyscout: s i g h

crunchy comrades

[ Sunday 02:03 ]

ricardo: yes i do the cooking


ricardo: yes i do the cleaning 


Needy Gay: the only thing you know how to cook is frozen pizza and i don’t think you’ve ever cleaned your own room before


ricardo: first of all, i CHOOSE to only cook frozen pizza but i know how to cook a variety of meals because i am CULTURED 


ricardo: and ill have you know i make my spagheddie homemade spaghetti all the time so you’re WRONG 


ricardo: second of all, i don’t need to clean my room because eds rearranges it every time he visits like the cute little shit he is


Needy Gay: stop taking advantage of your boyfriend and clean your own room 


ricardo: never look a gift horse in the mouth


Homosexual: You woke me up.


Needy Gay: sorry Stan!!


ricardo: staniel welcome to the party


Homosexual: I’m going to murder you, Richard Tozier.


ricardo: sorry new phone who dis


Needy Gay: go to sleep ricardo 


ricardo: no thank you


ricardo: i am going to listen to harry styles new album


Homosexual: Die while you’re at it.


Needy Gay: STAN


ricardo: :(


ricardo: it’s okay mikey, i guess stans just the liam to my harry </3


Homosexual: Never compare me to Liam ever again.


Needy Gay: okay but zayns solo music >>>


Homosexual: Harry’s solo music is the greatest, you heathen.


ricardo: harry has the music of god’s 


Needy Gay: how dare you disrespect fool for you like this


jess: nialls music trumps all 


homophobe: are you all just going to ignore my man louis??


rory: flicker is the greatest album of time and i will fight you bitches on that


infinity: you all raise good points but have you considered; 1Ds music was best when they were all together


jess: this is what world peace looks like


ricardo changed infinity ’s nickname to “ one dick stan


ricardo changed Homosexual ’s nickname to “ one dick Stan


ricardo changed the group name to ‘peace was never an option’


Needy Gay: you’ve done it again you brilliant son of a gun


ricardo: thank you thank you i’m here all week


one dick Stan: I’m going back to sleep. Do not disturb me.

[ Tuesday 13:02 ]

jess: boys


one dick stan: mother


jess: secret santa 


jess: will we pick names at lunch?


ricardo: sounds like a plan my man


homophobe: under no circumstances should anyone purchase sex toys for the person they choose, is that clear?


homophobe: this is aimed at you richie you shithead


ricardo: i’m sorry you didn’t like the cock ring bill i thought you had better taste than this 


homophobe: you deserve no rights 


ricardo: okay mr pence

(wheeze) >> mothman

[ Tuesday 13:30 ]

(wheeze): who’d you get


mothman: eds :o


mothman: it’s called SECRET santa for a reason


(wheeze): but i wanna know :((


mothman: too bad i’m not telling you 




(wheeze): THEN TELL ME


mothman: stop harassing me in my own home


(wheeze): you live in the canteen?


mothman: home isn’t just a place, sometimes it’s a person (✿ ♥‿♥)


(wheeze): stop being corny and tell me who you have 


mothman: fine. drum roll please




(wheeze): i forgot they were here!!


(wheeze): drumroll


mothman: you’re the cutest


mothman: i got ben


mothman: who’d you get


(wheeze): bill

peace was never an option

[ Tuesday 13:42 ]

jess: richie and eddie you do realise we can all see you texting eachother


jess: it’s called SECRET santa for a reason


ricardo: that’s what i said!


one dick stan: we were talking about something unrelated to secret santa


one dick stan: damn it rich

fireball >> firecracker 

[ Tuesday 13:44 ]

fireball: so who’d you get


firecracker: HYPOCRISY 


firecracker: tell you in history class?


fireball: chat then good chap

Chapter Text

peace was never an option

[ Friday 13:43 ]

Needy Gay: me and Stan are heading to the mall after school to go shopping for presents, do any of you want to come with?


jess: me please!! i need to pick up my secret santa present


Needy Gay: perfect! anyone else?


jess: bens coming too but his phone died so he can’t text


ricardo: there’s a portable charger in my baby’s locker if ben needs it


one dick stan: do not call me that


one dick stan: thanks for the offer mikey but me and the village idiots have plans


ricardo: you’re one of the village idiots don’t try weasel your way out of the title baby


homophobe: how dare you bitches leave me to third wheel reddie


one dick Stan: You’re the only one with an IQ low enough to tolerate their shenanigans.


homophobe: WOAH WTF BRO 






jess: he’s got you there


one dick Stan: I have no idea what you mean.


Needy Gay: no printer just fax


Needy Gay: so it’s a double date then?


jess: no it’s a single date between the four of us


jess: we’re swingers


homophobe: hot


homophobe: have fun fucking


homophobe: meanwhile me and the boys will be having a ladies night in


ricardo: we’ll also be fucking


one dick stan: no we won’t


ricardo: who knows where the night will lead 


one dick stan: nobody’s fucking bill


homophobe: don’t remind me 


ricardo: but you’d fuck me???


one dick stan: id consider it


Needy Gay: i’m begging you PLEASE discuss your sex life OUTSIDE the group chat you unholy freaks 

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon

[ Friday 14:06 ]

mediocre boyscout: are you sure nothing’s happened between you and eddie??


literal demon: i’m positive if i somehow secured eds id know 


literal demon: am i hallucinating or did that actually just happen


mediocre boyscout: i’m so confused


literal demon: ain’t no complaints though B)


mediocre boyscout: please control yourselves later i cant have your hormones ruin our girls night

peace was never an option

[ Friday 16:04 ]

jess: [attachment.mike.jpg]


jess: mike decided to wear a full santa costume


homophobe: is this a kink thing


homophobe: stan do you have a santa kink


one dick Stan: I’m jewish.


homophobe: maybe you like the forbidden romance of it


one dick Stan: Richie, control your dog.


homophobe: :o


homophobe: maybe YOU are the homophobe 


Needy Gay: i’m still mad that Stan matched with both you and eddie before matching usernames with me


one dick Stan changed Needy Gay ’s nickname to “ Daddy December






one dick Stan: Irish culture.


homophobe: so i wasn’t wrong when i said this is a kink thing


one dick Stan: :)


rory: disgusting. all of you.


homophobe: chat later gamers we’re convincing eddie to dye his hair with us it needs our full attention 


jess: w-with us?


jess: you’re dying your hair???


homophobe: yes we have decided on pink


homophobe: we’re only dying a strip each though because we didn’t buy enough hair dye


Daddy December: i feel like the father of three misbehaved idiots


jess: don’t you mean the daddy of three misbehaved idiots?


Daddy December: now i’m a father of four

[ Friday 18:42 ]

rory: [attachment.thegang.jpg]


rory: shopping’s finished!


one dick stan: you’re so cute i love you


rory: i love you too!


homophobe: [attachment.pinkboys.jpg]


homophobe: hair dying is also finished 


Daddy December: oh wow


Daddy December: that was brave of you


ricardo: we look cool as fuck!!


jess: define cool


homophobe: you’re all just jealous because you wish you were in on the action


rory: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly harm you?


one dick stan: my moms gonna be so pissed 


ricardo: oh fuck eds i’m sorry i didn’t even think about that


one dick stan: don’t worry that’s the only reason i agreed


homophobe: you mean you didn’t just wanna be part of the pink boys??


one dick stan: ,, no


homophobe: EDDIE




one dick stan: this is the coolest you’ve ever looked


rory: and that’s on period


jess: stop this


jess: that’s how he’s been ending his sentences all day


rory: i’m sorry you aren’t hip like me


jess: down with the kids


rory: B)


homophobe: do you gays wanna come to mine on Christmas Eve for secret santa


jess: can we binge the shrek movies


homophobe: yes 


jess: i’ll be there


one dick Stan: Okay, Bill.


homophobe: two down two to go


rory: sounds good, thanks for having us bill!


homophobe: no problem ben <3


Daddy December: daddy will be there


homophobe: WH


homophobe: MIKE


homophobe: IM CHOKING


jess: this took a turn


ricardo: please show up in the santa suit


Daddy December: ;)

Country Boy >> I luhv youuu

[ Sunday 19:42 ]

Country Boy: Happy Hanukkah Stan! Wanna call later if you get a chance? <3

Disaster Gay >> Distinguished Gay

[ Sunday 19:46 ]

Disaster Gay: happy hanukkah stan!! love you!!

Vermin >> Pest Control

[ Sunday 19:46 ]

Vermin: Stan my man, happy hanukkah old chap

The Brawns >> The Brains

[ Sunday 19:48 ]

The Brawns: happy hanukkah babe! have a good one :)

Mr Benn >> Stan Lee

[ Sunday 19:51 ]

Mr Benn: Happy Hanukkah Stan!! love you buddy

Boneless Bill >> Skellington Stan

[ Sunday 19:53 ]

Boneless Bill: happy hanukkah Stan :) me and the gang bought you something small i hope you don’t mind, Eddie left it with your mom last time he visited 

peace was never an option

[ Sunday 20:48 ]

one dick Stan: I love you all so much. Thank you for your messages and for the binoculars. You guys are the best.


homophobe: i love you bro!


one dick stan: ily stan :’)


jess: are the binoculars okay?? we googled which brands were good but we kept the receipt if they aren’t ideal for birdwatching 


one dick Stan: They’re perfect. 


ricardo: aww staniel you softie :D i love you my man


rory: love you Stan :) <3


Daddy December: love you Stan <3

Distinguished Gay >> Disaster Gay

[ Sunday 20:54 ]

Distinguished Gay: Mike said he loves me.


Disaster Gay: i think we ALL love you 


Distinguished Gay: Thank you. I love you all too.


Disaster Gay: do you love mike 


Distinguished Gay: Yes. It just surprised me. 


Disaster Gay: has he ever said it in person before


Distinguished Gay: No. 

Vermin >> Pest Control

[ Sunday 20:56 ]

Vermin: i can feel you overthinking from my house 


Vermin: stop freaking out my funky friend


Pest Control: Did Eddie tell you to text me?


Vermin: no?? you texted eddie before me?? IM WOUNDED STANIEL WHAT ABOUT OUR BOND


Pest Control: There is no bond. You roped me into this friendship and I’m too nice to get rid of you.


Vermin: you’re not “too nice” you aren’t even nice you liar


Vermin: now stop deflecting and talk to papa


Pest Control: Don’t call yourself papa.


Pest Control: I didn’t expect Mike to say he loves me, especially over text. I’d prefer if he had told me in person. 


Vermin: technically he didn’t say say “i love you” just “love you”


Vermin: everyone was telling you they love you it’d be strange if he said nothing


Vermin: i’m sure that’s not how he planned on saying it either but mike was your friend before he was your boyfriend, he’s said it hundreds of times to you before you started dating


Vermin: i know it’s not ideal but try not to read too much into it staniel, mike wasn’t trying to declare his love for his boyfriend he was showing affection for his friend, im sure when he says it for real for the first time he’ll do it romantically in person 


Pest Control: Maybe you’re right. 


Vermin: i always am bby B)


Pest Control: No, you barely ever are. Don’t let this go to your head. 


Pest Control: Thank you, Richie. I appreciate you texting me.


Vermin: anytime stan the man uwu

I luhv youuu >> Country Boy

[ Sunday 20:58 ]

I luhv youuu: I’m free to call now.


[ Ongoing call with Country Boy ]

Chapter Text

mediocre boyscout >> literal demon 

[ Tuesday 16:35 ]

mediocre boyscout: i’m stealing your man tozier


literal demon: i love you like a brother but so help me god i’ll kill you denbrough


mediocre boyscout: i’m sorry rich i just don’t think i can let you have him after today


mediocre boyscout: he knows the way to a man’s heart; a 48 pack of worm on a string


literal demon: his existence is the way to this man’s heart


mediocre boyscout: nerd

peace was never an option

[ Tuesday 16:42 ]

rory: richie is my only friend mayhaps 


ricardo: finally someone is giving me the appreciation i deserve


jess: how the hell did you afford sisters apparel 


ricardo: drug dealer


one dick stan: you’ve never been near a single drug in your life nerd


ricardo: i got a job for the holidays


one dick stan: when 


one dick stan: how did i not know about this


ricardo: you were too busy riding my dick to notice


one dick stan: FUCK YOU


ricardo: id rather fuck you


homophobe: IM fucking eddie tonight


one dick stan: wh


homophobe: i love my worms


jess: me when the doctor tries to get rid of my tapeworm colony


homophobe: BEV NO SJDHDHD


jess: thank you for my gift billy boy 


jess: i’m finally a mother


one dick stan: what are you going to name your turtle 


jess: i’m glad you asked eddison 


jess: sonic


one dick stan: you’re brilliant and i love you 


jess: i love you too my boy


one dick Stan: Thank you for my present, Beverly. I love it.


jess: no problem stan! :) 


one dick stan: stan my sexy man i love youu ~£~*.>%{?|


one dick Stan: Getting you rainbow vodka was a mistake.


one dick stan: no it was a BLESSING 


homophobe: where is mike


one dick Stan: Behind the couch.


jess: he sleeb


homophobe: is that a stocking on his head


jess: he’s all i want for christmas:)


rory: :o


rory: i’m going to go look at james charles ass pic and cry 


jess: that’s my man!


rory: james lookin kinda thicc tho just saying


jess: double cheeked up on a thursday afternoon 


jess: bill stop twerking you flat bitch 


homophobe: i’m taking sonic back you’re abusive




one dick stan: shut up and pull this christmas cracker with me


ricardo: i’ll pull your christmas cracker eds xxx


one dick stan: ಠ_ಠ

[ Tuesday 22:03 ]

homophobe: thank you for coming to my humble abode family 


homophobe: i will be drinking until further notice 


one dick stan: teen drinking is very bad


ricardo: i got a fake ID tho

(wheeze) >> mothman

[ Wednesday 04:02 ]



mothman: christmas 




(wheeze): dumbass


(wheeze): merry christmas rich <3


mothman: mind if i drop in to see you when i’m done fucking your mom


(wheeze): you’re the bane of my existence 


(wheeze): just for that you better bring junk food with you


mothman: anything for you lover ;)

peace was never an option 

[ Wednesday 07:32 ]

homophobe: happy holidays bitches


ricardo: this year IM the turkey 


ricardo: eds stuff my ass


one dick stan: i hate you so fucking much


ricardo: you shouldn’t lie you’ll be put on the naughty list ;)))


one dick stan: brb gonna go vomit


Daddy December: i probably won’t be able to talk to you guys before new year’s eve because i’m spending the holiday with my relatives but i was thinking do you guys wanna go to the barn on New Year's Eve 


ricardo: fuck yea mikey 


ricardo: eds baby you’re riding with me


one dick stan: i’m going to crawl there on all fours


ricardo: i’m not one to object to you being on all fours ;)


jess: sounds great mike ben and i will be there!!


one dick Stan: I will come.


ricardo: yeah you will you dog ;) B)


homophobe: i think we should excommunicate richie


one dick Stan: Agreed.


one dick stan: yes pls


jess: i approve this message


Daddy December: has to be done


homophobe: majority rules meeting adjourned


ricardo: hussies


ricardo: i brighten up your meaningless lives


ricardo: you’re all slut-shaming me


jess: begone thot

peace was never an option

[ Wednesday 23:58 ]

one dick Stan: I’m glad I’m entering the new decade with you all. 


jess: retweet bitcg i love you


homophobe: bitcg


rory: bitcg


Daddy December: bitcg


jess: nvm i hate you all




homophobe: TEN


jess: we could just.. do the countdown out loud in person


homophobe: NINE


homophobe: EIGHT


jess: sigh


homophobe: SEVEN


homophobe SIX


homophobe: FIVE


homophobe: FOUR


homophobe: THREE


homophobe: TWO


homophobe: ONE


homophobe: HAPPY NEW YEAR


Daddy December: bill you’re 6 seconds early


homophobe: god fucking damn it

literal demon >> mediocre boyscout 

[ Monday 00:06 ]

literal demon: eddie just kissed me??????