Actions

Work Header

Saving Remus Lupin

Chapter Text

Harry Potter was not your run of the mill thirteen year old. As an example of his outlandish life, how many thirteen year olds would you know of that had just discovered that this homocidal godfather had broken out of wizard prison with the sole intention of killing them, whilst hiding under an invisibility cloak underneath a table?

Just Harry, I’d wager.

Currently, Harry was feeling pretty numb at the revelation, trekking in the snow with Ron and Hermione. Hermione kept hugging him, and Harry let her. Hermione was a very good hugger. It was the hair, Harry thought. Very good to bury your face into and disappear.

But Harry was a multi-tasker. He could feel stunned, sorry for himself, and still think quite clearly.

“They said that he kept saying ‘he’s at Hogwarts’,” Harry said thoughtfully.

“Oh, Harry,” Hermione said softly but with emotion.

“But that’s so stupid,” Harry went on. “Don’t most eleven year olds in Britain go to Hogwarts? And I’m a legacy student - of course I’d be at Hogwarts. Sirius Black must have known about me being here, so why would he suddenly obsess over it?”

Ron looked uncomfortable. “Harry’s got a point,” he admitted. “Black’s a nutter, but a smart nutter.”

“But what, or who else could he be after at Hogwarts? You’re the only logical choice, Harry,” Hermione fretted.

Harry’s mind drifted to a conversation that he had had with Lupin not too long ago. Yes, I knew him, he had said with uncharacteristic sadness. Harry recalled a series of pictures in his family photo album featuring Sirius Black and James Potter, alongside another young man, pale and thin...

“Professor Lupin!” Harry gasped in realization.

“What?”

“Professor Lupin was friends with my dad and Sirius Black!” Harry exclaimed. “I have loads of old photos with them in it. Maybe Black wants revenge on him, or something.”

Hermione looked troubled. “We need to see those photos,” she said, and the trio raced up to Gryffindor tower.

-x-x-

“Blimey, Hermione.”

This was uttered by a frazzled Seamus Finnagan, who had been in the process of changing clothes in his dorm room when Hermione had barged in and made a beeline for Harry’s dresser. Seamus was now swaddled in his blankets, unwilling to expose his freckled tummy in order to get to his robes from his closet.

“Get over yourself, Seamus,” Hermione sniffed. “We’re trying to save Professor Lupin.”

Harry opened up his family photo album, and sure enough, he found a picture of a young Sirius Black with Remus Lupin. In the photo, Black had a rose between his teeth, and a leg swung over Lupin’s lap, while Lupin was trying and failing to not blush.

Sirius and Remus being dorks, February 1979, the caption said in James Potter’s handwriting.

“Oh,” Hermione said softly. “They look so...”

“Wow, Lupin was hot,” Seamus butted in, crawling onto the bed with the rest of them. “So was the mass murderer.”

Harry looked closely at the picture. “That settles it. They were friends, at the very least.”

“More than that, I’d wager,” Hermione said. “I don’t think you’ve ever put your legs around Ron, and you’re friends.”

Ron paused, and tried to recall. They had lived very unconvential lives, after all. “Nah, I think Harry’s had his legs ‘round me.”

“Yeah, that’s normal. Dean’s done it to me too,” Seamus added.

Hermione frowned. “What do you boys get up to in here?”

“Piggy back rides,” Harry supplied.

Boys, Hermione thought dourly, were the worst. “Well clearly Lupin and Black were not giving each other piggy back rides!” She said. “They must have been closely involved. Friends at least, and at most...”

“Shagging.”

“Really, Ron, you are such a troll.”

“So that means that Black could be coming for Lupin, and not me,” Harry said. “We can’t let him murder the best Professor on staff!”

“He’s so nice!” Hermione agreed.

“He’s competent,” Seamus added.

“He’s not Lockhart or possessed by You Know Who,” Ron nodded. “We’ve got to keep him safe.”

“But we’re only four people,” Seamus said worriedly. “We can’t watch him all the time. We need help.”

Harry grinned. “I have an idea.”

-x-X-x-

The next Hogsmeade weekend, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stepped off of the beaten path and walked into the Hog’s Head. The bartender rolled his eyes at them. “Butterbeer only.”

“Sure,” Harry said agreeably.

They were soon followed in by Parvati, Lavender, Neville, Dean, Seamus and the Weasleys from Gryffindor, Cedric Diggory (Harry’s stomach performed a flip), Ernie MacMillan and his posse from Hufflepuff, a handful of Ravenclaws, and curiously, a few upper year Slytherins and Draco’s gang.

“What’re Malfoy and his snakes doing here?” Ron hissed, as Draco swaggered up to the bar and ordered a firewhiskey. Aberforth laughed in his face.

“I never thought I’d say it, but I think that I prefer your brother,” Draco said snootily, before walking away.

“Shut it, Ron, we need all the help we can get for this,” Hermione hissed, before standing up on her stool. “Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” She called.

Everyone’s eyes focused on her. “I’ve called this meeting in order to discuss the threat of Sirius Black hanging over our school,” Hermione said. “We have established that Black is circling the school, and that he is targeting a specific person-“

“Yes, Potter,” Draco drawled. “We know that. He’s a murder magnet.” Harry glared, and Draco mimed a kiss at him.

“Curiously, no,” Hermione said with a small smile. “We think that this year, Harry isn’t the target. We think that it’s Professor Lupin.”

There was a small outcry at this. Poor, mild, Professor Lupin? Why would anyone want to kill him? “That’s what we’re not sure of,” Hermione said. “We have established that Black and Professor Lupin were...close, as youngsters.”

“Shagging,” Fred surmised.

“Yes, thank you. Either Black wants revenge for Lupin abandoning him, or...” Hermione bit her lip, “he’s going to try and abduct him. Black is unhinged, we don’t know what he would do.”

“Then Lupin’s presence is a danger to us!” Pansy said shrilly. “We should get him to leave!”

“Typical cowardly Slytherin,” Ron hissed. “You’d sacrifice a good man to save your stinking hide.”

“It’s him or us, Weasley,” Pansy snapped.

“No,” Marius Fawley, the Slytherin prefect stood up. “We can’t let Lupin leave. He’s the best defense professor we’ve ever had, and we have OWLs and NEWTs coming up! If I have to fight Black off myself, I’ll do it so long as Lupin can keep teaching us!”

“Fawley is correct,” Percy said pompously. “We can’t risk losing the one good defense teacher we have.”

“Then it’s settled,” Theodore Nott said. All eyes turned to the otherwise quiet boy. “We protect Lupin by killing Black ourselves.” He drew out a dagger to emphasize his point.

“Merlin, you’re creepy,” Ron shuddered. “And we can’t kill Black. He’s too powerful.”

“Then we protect Lupin,” Cedric Diggory said stoutly. “We have to assign a detail to him at all times. The prefects can takes rounds with him at night.”

“Seventh years can disillusion themselves and sleep outside his doors,” Lisa Turpin suggested with her Ravenclaw logic. “That way, no one can sneak in.” There was a rumble of agreement for this idea.

“We can stay back to ask questions after class,” Harry suggested. “We won’t let him be alone in the classroom.”

“We can arrange for extra tuitions,” Hermione jumped onto the extra lesson bandwagon. “We can ask to do our homework in his classroom instead of the library or the great hall.”

“In short, we stick to the man like flobberworms on dragon dung,” Malfoy said. “For once, I don’t regret being in the same room with you, Granger.”

“Likewise, Malfoy. Now, we need to draw up a rotation schedule,” Hermione said briskly. “Let’s start with the 12am slot...“

-x-X-x-

Remus knew that the children liked him, but he had never expected this level of adoration. They absolutely refused to leave him alone. He had purchased extra chocolate to hand out to every child that seemed to hang off of his sleeves.

The most surprising thing was Draco Malfoy refusing to leave his seat after class one day, and instead pulled out his books and proceeded to do homework while Lupin went back to his own desk. After working in silence for two hours, Lupin gave the boy a chocolate bar which had been cautiously accepted.

Albus was highly amused by all of this, and made a pun about Remus’ animal magnetism. Snape scoffed and sniffed and was generally unpleasant. Remus offered him a chocolate bar, only to have Snape scowl at it like it had insulted his nose.

Remus couldn’t confirm it, but he strongly suspected that some students had taken to camping outside of his doors as well. Even though he couldn’t see them, he could scent humans near his chambers. They could have been prefects doing their rounds, though, so Remus didn’t pay too much mind.

The best part of all this was that Harry was spending more time hanging off of Remus’ sleeve. Remus was thrilled to have a chance to coddle the boy he’d sworn to love and protect as a baby. He spent hours telling Harry about James and Lily and James’ odd adventures. Sirius Balck tended to feature in them quite a bit.

They were also making tremendous strides in producing a patronus, until Draco Malfoy came barging into the classroom for his protection shift. “Are you teaching Potter to produce a patronus?” He demanded. “This is blatant favoritism. I want a patronus too.”

So Lupin smiled and allowed Draco to join the class. Then Ron got it into his head that Draco would mess things up for Harry, and joined himself, along with Hermione. To even out the numbers, Crabbe and Goyle joined as well, then Pansy and Tracy Davis. Then the Ravenclaws got word of the patronus classes and wanted to join too because they are sluts for knowledge. And of course, Remus felt terrible for leaving out the Hufflepuffs, so they joined in as well.

The results of the class were extra rewarding when Neville mistook Snape for a dementor in his billowing black robes, panicked, and cast an elephant patronus at him and knocked him down two flights of stairs. Neville got detention for his efforts, but really, it was worth it.

Chapter Text

Things came to a head when Sirius Black nearly stabbed Ron, and everyone was forced to camp out in the great hall. A large dog was spotted running away from the scene, and Lupin yelled out that the dog was Sirius Black’s animagus form.

He cast a homorphus charm to force Sirius to revert into his natural state, missed, and hit Ron instead. This, of course, led to scabbers transforming into Peter Pettigrew, and after a lot of screaming, his eventual capture when fifty patronuses of various shapes and sizes trampled on him.

There was a flobberworm patronus. No one knew had cast it, but everyone suspected one of the Weasley twins.

Harry’s stag patronus impaled Pettigrew on its antlers. Beyond the veil, James Potter felt a surge of satisfaction, like warm butterbeer on a cold winter evening. He told his wife, who told him off for drinking in heaven, don’t you have any decorum James.

After Pettigrew had been led off to be sentenced and no doubt Kissed, Harry found the dog that was previously thought to be the Grim bouncing around Lupin’s legs, demanding pets. Harry grinned and beckoned the dog over.

“You are a very good boy,” Harry said, giving it its well deserved pets, “the very best boy.” Sirius’ tongue was lolling out of his mouth and he flipped onto his back for belly rubs. Immediately, several students reached out to oblige. That was how Cornelius Fudge, auror Kingsley Shackebolt, and head auror Rufus Scrimgeour found the notorious Sirius Black, having the time of his doggy life in the Great Hall.

“Mr. Black, please face us when we are speaking to you,” Kingsley said in his long-suffering voice.

Sirius stood up, and made a beeline for Fudge, where he pissed ceremoniously on the Minister’s trouser leg.

“Sirius, for god’s sakes, behave yourself,” Remus hissed, pulling the happy dog away. “Just...transform back, would you?”

Sirius angled his head meaningfully towards Remus. Pet me, he seemed to say, and maybe I’ll oblige. Remus gave him his long awaited pets, and Sirius transformed. “Fudgesickle, Chucklebutt, Scumgeour,” he greeted the group irreverently.

Kingsley sighed. “Mr. Black, we need to hold you in custody before Pettigrew’s sentencing. If you would come with us to the Ministry-“

A thousand children immediately and vehemently vetoed this, insisting that Mr. Black was innocent and that he wasn’t going to be held for no reason. Also he was a very good dog. To everybody’s surprise, Draco Malfoy stood up.

“Minister Fudge, there has been a greivous miscarriage of justice,” he declared in his most pompous voice. “As a close blood relative of the heir of the Black family, I must insist on my cousin being treated in a civil manner. If you go on persisting with this façade, then...” Draco straightened up menacingly, “my father will hear about this!”

Fudge and his cronies left pretty quickly after that, not wanting to risk Lucius Malfoy’s wrath. Harry tackled Draco in a hug, and Sirius pulled both boys into a hug, knocking their heads together, until Remus pried him off of them.

“Sirius you haven’t bathed in forever, do not hug the children.”

“Can I hug you?”

“After a shower.”

“In the shower?”

“No, after.”

In the end, no one wanted Sirius to go, so Snape had to enlarge a cauldron so that Sirius could be bathed in it in his dog form. Suds filled the great hall, and several students contributed to the scrubbing of their favorite resident Grim.

Filch was very angry, because he would have to clean the suds later.

Later, McGonnagall insisted on the students going to bed, come on now, you have class in the morning, Albus say something. Everyone but Percy booed this declaration, which only made Minerva more irate, because why are you booing me, Albus, do your job!

When Harry brought up Sirius’ sleeping arrangements, Sirius made eyes at Remus, who refused to make eyes back at him because there were children present. “I was a Gryffindor,” Sirius said. “Can I kip in the common room?”

“This is a blatant ploy to get more pets, Mr. Black, and the students need to sleep,” Minerva the party pooper said.

Snape decided that enough was enough, and threatened everyone with a quiz the next day if they did not go to bed that very minute, causing a mass panic and everyone running away. Sirius looked very put out, and settled for trying to get into Remus’ bed. “It’s been thirteen years, Moony, and I want to kiss you silly.”

“You haven’t brushed your teeth,” Remus said, “and you’ve been eating mice whilst on the run.”

“Can I use your toothbrush?”

“I suppose,” Remus sighed, making a note to burn the toothbrush later.

Sirius left the great hall, hand in hand with Remus. “Will you spoon me in my sleep, Moony?”

“Sure.”

“Will you whisper sweet nothings in my ear and calm me from my inevitable nightmares?”

“Yes, fine.”

“When can we snog?”

“During the weekend, I have classes tomorrow.”

“Aww.”

-x-X-x-

“Twenty points to everyone who produced a corporeal patronus last night in the name of justice!” Dumbledore announced the next day at breakfast.

“And five points from Slytherin, because Mr. Nott tried to stab Pettigrew,” McGonagall said. “Where did you even get a knife from, boy?”

“I refuse to incriminate myself further,” Nott said while sheathing his dagger, and cost Slytherin two more points.

-x-X-x-

It was decided (by Sirius) that he was going to stay at Hogwarts with Lupin. The only person upset by this was Snape.

Draco owled his father requesting a dog. Lucius wrote back no, it would eat the peacocks. Draco did not particularly like the peacocks, and wished them dead and roasted for the dinner table.

Remus continued to be everyone’s favorite teacher, but his job was made more complicated for fending of Sirius’ persistent efforts to snog him during school hours. Snape had taken to hexing Sirius whenever he saw him getting handsy, in the name of protecting Remus. Remus knew that this was a blatant lie, but allowed them to continue. Severus may have started liking Lupin a little more after that.

Harry was very happy to move in with Sirius, and by default Remus, when Sirius opted to live at Remus’ flat and sell Grimmauld place. They got a bigger flat, and Sirius brought quidditch wallpaper for Harry’s room before remembering that he was not a baby anymore, and went out and brought a more suitable plain pink.

When asked why, Sirius said that he liked the colour pink. There was no pink in Azkaban, and therefore, no memories of it to be corrupted.

They painted the whole flat pink.

When term started back up after Christmas, Sirius followed Harry and Remus to Hogwarts and stayed there despite Snape’s vehement declarations that Black was neither student nor staff, why is he here.

Sirius charmed his way into a position teaching sex education in the wizarding world. When asked about his qualifications, he said that, “I have had lots of sex, and I have never gotten anyone pregnant, nor contracted an STI.”

“You were sleeping with Lupin,” Severus pointed out. “It is nigh impossible to impregnate a man, and Lupin is such a square that there is no doubt that you were monogamous.”

“Still.”

As it turned out, Sirius had competed an apprenticeship as a healer at St Mungo’s before his wrongful incarceration, and was actually qualified to teach sex ed. He gave lots of advice on all the sex, and also how to seduce and flirt effectively.

“It worked with Remus,” he said proudly.

“Sirius, stop telling people my kinks.”

“Organizing the lube drawer is not a kink, Remus.”

Sirius also spent a lot of time in animagus form cuddling Harry, eager to make up for thirteen years of missing his godson. He also spent a great deal of time trying to woo Remus again.

“Wooing is an ongoing process,” he told Harry wisely. “I missed it for thirteen years, so I have to double my efforts now. Otherwise, who knows, Snape will steal Remus from me.”

“I don’t think Professor Snape likes Remus like that.”

“Oh? Then why is he being all nice, and saying ‘good morning’ and ‘pass the salt’?”

“Because he wanted to salt his food?”

“Hmm. You may be onto something.”

Sirius’ efforts at wooing Lupin would go down as a thing of legend in Hogwarts history. One morning, he decorated Remus’ chair at the teacher’s table with roses. The next day, he stood underneath Remus’ window and serenaded him. Only, that turned out to be Dumbledore’s window, no I’m not hot for you Albus, go back to sleep, and no I don’t want a lemon drop you horny old man.

The day after that, Sirius baked Lupin a cake and wrote in icing, “I luv ur bum” and presented it to him at dinner. After that, he trained the mandrake saplings to sing ‘I Smell Your Musk In My Amortentia’ while he dragged Remus out to dance in the moonlight.

Snape called their displays disgusting. Flitwick called him a sad virgin.

Remus was amused, and reassured Sirius that he didn’t have to woo him all over again, he’d never fallen out of love with the wonderful, goofy, happy young man thirteen years prior.

Things came to a head when Sirius asked Remus to marry him. “Marry me so that we don’t have to live in sin anymore and so that we can officially adopt Harry so that he never has to go back to those horrid muggles again. Also, can you help me curse them, Moony?”

Remus said yes to both requests, much to the happiness of everyone at Hogwarts. All the Hufflepuffs cried because their love was so pure and soft. They would wed at Hogwarts, Dumbledore decided, because he was a completely shameless busybody.

The students were overjoyed, and assumed responsibility over the wedding planning. The Slytherins quickly denounced everyone else’s interior decoration abilities and stated that anyone who thought that yellow and black went together was clearly colourblind. The Hufflepuffs cried again, and Slytherin lost five points.

Sirius pointed out that they didn’t have best men. At this point, Draco stood up again and pulled out a genealogy chart and proclaimed that I am your closest male relative, Black, clearly I should be your best man. Harry immediately claimed the spot for Remus’ best man.

“What about the honeymoon, Remus?”

“We’re not going anywhere until exams are over, and we also have to take Harry with us because otherwise he’ll have to stay with those terrible muggles.”

Sirius brought Harry a pain of enchanted headphones adding the unnecessary detail that Remus was loud in bed.

After the exams were over, the staff of Hogwarts waited with bated breath to see whether Remus would return for another term to see if the curse over the defense position was broken.

“Hello, yes, it seems that I have impregnated Remus on our honeymoon,” Sirius informed his colleagues upon his return. Everyone groaned and cursed Sirius and his virile sperm, while Remus massaged his stomach contentedly. “As it turns out, male werewolves are more fertile than your average wizard, especially when neither of you are using a protection charm. Needless to say, he will not be in any condition to teach in the upcoming semester. You’d better find another professor.”

“I selflessly volunteer,” Snape said, raising his hand.

“I preempted this dilemma and have asked Alastor Moody to fill the position,” Albus said. “Perhaps next year, Severus?”

Snape put his hand down and wished death on everyone but Lupin, because he was pregnant.

“Remus will of course stay with you, will he not, Sirius?” Dumbledore asked concernedly. “He can hardly stay home without you or Harry in his delicate condition. And of course, he will need wolfsbane, Severus.”

If he were capable of such a thing, Snape would have been having kittens.

Angry, evil kittens with large hooked noses.

“I am going to have a sibling,” Harry said seriously. “I need to learn every curse and countercurse in order to protect them.”

Hermione cut her holiday short and came running back to Hogwarts to help Harry with his research, practically salivating at the thought of summer reading. “My parents took me to the Alps,” she said. “We were skiing. It wasn’t for me.”

“What is skiing? It sounds like a muggle disease,” Draco said, having invited himself into Sirius’ chambers because we are blood related, Black, and clearly I need to be on hand to influence this child to become a proper wizard, Merlin knows Potter isn’t going to survive long enough to be any influence. He’s a murder magnet, don’t you know.

Harry pointed out that he hadn’t seen Voldemort once during the past year.

“Clearly, an anomaly. You’ll probably see him again in the coming semester.”

One would think so, wouldn’t they?

Chapter Text

Despite Draco’s assertions that he was a murder magnet, Harry did not face Voldemort the following year because he refused to take part in the Triwizard Tournament.

“I can’t possibly, I am far too busy. Remus is going to have the baby soon, and I have to stay alive to help raise it. If I don’t, then Malfoy will influence it to be a git like him,” Harry said.

Remus came up with the far more logical reason of, “No, because he is a minor and Sirius and I are his adopted guardians, and I say he can’t compete.”

“But-“

“I’m very pregnant and very angry right now, Crouch. I am a werewolf and I can crush your skull like a grape.”

“Very well, then, Mr Potter will not compete.”

So Harry didn’t compete. As a result, the Triwizard Cup was never a portkey and Beauxbatons won the Triwizard Tournament. Fleur Delacour made Cedric Diggory and Victor Krum carry her around for a week to gloat. Cedric also finished his schooling and soon after, eloped with Viktor Krum to Bulgaria, where they both played a lot of quidditch and lived happily ever after.

Hidden away in Little Hangleton, Voldemort still looked like a weird, bony, frog-person and he subsisted off of snake milk and Barry Crouch Jr.’s blood until he was strong enough to build himself a new, less frog-like body, but still looked weird and bony.

He then tried to kill Harry Potter again during summer vacation, but only succeeded in destroying his accidental horcrux. Harry got right back up and told Voldemort to sit on a blast ended skrewt, the stinger part of you don’t mind. Voldemort tried to kill him again, but was blocked because a pregnant, hormonal, werewolf with supernatural strength punched through his flimsy cardboard head. “Sirius, come quickly!” Remus screamed into the floo to Hogwarts.

“What happened?”

“Voldemort tried to kill Harry - stop panicking, he’s fine - and there are Dark Lord brains on the carpet!”

“Merlin’s tit, is that Voldemort?” Sirius asked, stepping out of the floo.

“Yeah,” Harry shrugged. “Remus is your hand hurt?”

“Nevermind that. Sirius, get the scrubber or this will stain. I am not about to purchase a new rug.”

And so the second rising of Voldemort ended. Albus later confirmed the presence of several horcruxes and set about trying to destroy all of them. He succeeded, eventually. But it took some time because he was old and had arthritis, give the man a break.

In the meantime, Remus was scrubbing the carpet clean of brains when his water broke. “Oh bollocks,” he cursed. “Harry, be a dear and get a mop.”

Sirius hoisted Remus into his arms and ran to the hospital wing, where Poppy had prepared a birthing chamber. Curiously, Snape was there as well.

“I am here to facilitate the birth.”

“We don’t need you, pervert!”

“I am a potions master, and I know how much pain reliever an adult werewolf needs. I take no pleasure in looking upon Lupin’s genitals.”

“Sirius, stop arguing, I need to cut a birthing canal,” Poppy said.

“Righty-o, let’s do that then. But I’ve got my eye on you, Snivellus.”

“Back at you, dog breath.”

The birth proceeded, and the entire school held its breath. In the birthing chamber, things were picking up pace.

“Push, Remus!”

“Sigh. Fine. Did someone check on Harry? He died for a while.”

“What!”

“He’s fine now, obviously, but still-“

“Lupin, cease your prattling and push!”

“Oh alright.”

Several pushes later, and James Regulus Lupin-Black came shooting into the world, straight into Snape’s waiting arms.

“Ugh, baby gunk,” Snape scowled as the newborn flailed in his arms, covered in various fluids. “Ow,” he muttered, as baby James grabbed his hand, and inadvertently sunk his tiny claws into Snape’s skin. “Lupin, your baby has claws! I am to be assaulted by several generations of people named after Potters!”

James settled into Severus’ arms comfortably and did a shit. “Argh, why,” Severus cried, and threw the baby into Remus’ arms, announcing that he was deducting ten points from Gryffindor.

“You don’t know that he’ll be in Gryffindor,” Remus pointed out, while feeding James, who sucked insistently on his nipple. “He could be in any house. Why, I was nearly a hatstall myself. It wanted to put me in Ravenclaw.”

“But you couldn’t resist my devilish good looks and came to me, aw yiss,” Sirius said, pumping his fist.

“I didn’t even know you that well.”

“I choose to live in a reality of my own imagining.”

“That’s fine, dear.”

Harry had picked up on the lack of pained screaming and had decided that now was a safe time to enter the room. “Wow,” he said, peering at the baby, “he’s super small. It is a he, right?”

“Um...”

Remus startled. “You didn’t check?” He asked Sirius incredulously. “We’ve been calling the baby James the whole time!”

“James is a perfectly good girl name.”

“It is not,” Remus said, peering at his baby. “Phew, its a boy,” he confirmed. Baby James made an unhappy noise and reached out for the nipple of nourishment.

“He’s a chip of the old block,” Sirius informed everyone.

“Sirius, please. Harry’s here.”

“Oops, sorry, pup-pup.”

“Too little too late,” Harry said, scrunching up his nose. “I’m going to tell the rest of the the school about the baby. Everyone has been waiting. I think all of Hufflepuff house wants to be named as Godparent.”

“I forgot about that,” Sirius frowned. “Moony, who’re we going to name as godparents? All of our friends are dead.”

Remus frowned at the sobering thought. “Black you fool,” Severus seethed, “you do not simply say such things to people who have post partum hormones! I have never had the displeasure of meeting such a thick headed, nonsensical-“

“What about you, Severus?”

“-troll brained- I beg your fucking pardon?”

Remus chuckled. “Would you be our son’s godfather?”

“Moony!” Sirius gasped, putting a hand to his chest.

“I say,” Severus gawked. “Egads. By Jove.”

“Was that a yes?”

“Well...fine,” Severus said weakly. “I must sit,” he announced, flopping into a chair to contemplate his life.

“Ridiculous!” Draco cried, barging in.

“Why,” Sirius asked, “are you always here?”

“How could I be passed over for the position of godfather? I, Draco Perseus Malfoy, second of the name, son of Narcissa Malfoy née Black, of the most ancient and noble houses of Malfoy and Black, the veritable blood cousin of the newborn-“

“Please get to the point.”

“Why was I not considered to be godfather!?”

Remus looked surprised. “Why, we didn’t think you’d want to, Draco.”

“Wait, if he gets to be godfather, then what about me?” Harry asked.

“You can be the godmother,” Draco allowed. “I shall be the godfather. So mote it be!”

“Actually-“

“I said so mote it be!” Draco hissed.

James burbled sleepily in Remus’ arms, looking as happy as a newborn could. And really, he had every reason to be.

xXx

“They named me godmother,” Hermione beamed. Minerva nodded approvingly.

“A worthy choice.”

“Ack!” Draco choked and nearly died in his porridge. “You? I share godparent duties with you, Granger?”

“I thought Professor Snape was the godfather.”

“Nonsense,” Draco huffed. “‘Tis I.”

“I thought I was going to be godmother,” Harry pouted.

“James is your brother, you can’t hoard all the spots,” Hermione said reasonably.

“I’ll tell you what, mate,” Ron said, “when I have kids - and I will, no doubts there - you can be godfather for all of them.”

“Aw, thanks Ron.”

“Mention not.”

“Weasley, your grammar is appalling. You are appalling.”

“What’s going on?” Remus asked, walking in with James in his arms, and Sirius, who was holding a hemorrhoid pillow.

“Draco said that Ron is appealing.”

“POTTER!”

“Watch out, lad,” Sirius cautioned Draco, “them Weasleys are a fertile bunch. You’ll be up the duff so often that you can forget about your figure.”

“I am a male! A human male! I cannot gestate a child!”

“Pshhh,” Sirius said dismissively. “You don’t think that your hair is a human colour, do you?”

Draco gibbered in shock. “Well, I never! I say!”

Sirius looked patronizingly at him. “What did you think? Your lot are French, aren’t they?”

Draco was dumbstruck by this thought, until the gears in his brain clicked together. Then, “EEEEEEE-“

“He even screams like a veela,” Sirius observed.

“-EEEEEEEEEEEE-“

“Mister Malfoy, take a breath,” Minerva instructed him. Draco heaved a deep breath, shot Sirius a loathesome look, and stomped up the owlery, muttering about something to do with contacting his father.

“Sirius, we do not speculate on our students ancestry,” Minerva said sternly.

“It’s not speculation,” Sirius said. “I have a huge ass family tree, remember? Titus Malfoy the Second diddled a veela named Emanuelle in 1801 out of wedlock, and they had Abraxus Malfoy, who had Lucius, who had Draco.”

“Oh dear,” Minerva said.

“Ron, you don’t really find Malfoy appealing, do you?” Hermione asked anxiously.

“Naw,” Ron chuckled. “He’s not my type. The exact opposite, actually,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows meaningfully at Hermione.

“Ugh. You are such an ogre, Ron,” Hermione scoffed.

Ron however, was pretty pleased. He’d pissed Malfoy off, made Harry feel better, and hit on Hermione. And really, could a man ask for anything more?

Chapter Text

Harry had never thought that he could be rid of the Dursleys. Now though, snuggled between Remus and Sirius, whom he mentally thought of as step-mum and second-dad, with his new baby brother in his arms, his past couldn’t have been farther behind him.

Draco was there too, occasionally, but Harry had learned to take the rough with the smooth.

Including him in the family picture seemed a bit much, though.

“Sirius,” Harry whispered, while Draco beautified himself and baby James for the portrait, “why is Draco here?”

“I don’t know how he got in,” Sirius hissed back. “I suspect Moony let him in. I think that he is secretly fond of the boy. What’s he doing to Jamesy?”

They looked over at Draco, who was trying to reason with the baby. “Don’t be so ridiculous, everyone knows that blush makes the cheeks pop. Stop squirming, honestly-“

James intensified his squirming, but eventually yielded, and Draco was able to properly beautify the baby. After this battle was won, he looked around for his next victim. “Potter! Your hair is assault upon my eyes! Come here so that I may tame it!”

Harry ran, with Draco in pursuit.

Sirius did his best to wipe the makeup off of James, and made his way over to Remus, who smiled at him. “You’re looking very handsome, Mr. Black,” he teased, tugging on Sirius’ collar.

“As are you, Mr. Black,” Sirius teased back.

“Sirius, we agreed.”

“Right, right. It’s just...Mr. Lupin-Black is harder to say in bed.”

Remus tittered. “Sirius, you horndog.”

“Honhonhon,” Sirius laughed in French, “you love it.”

Remus smiled softly. “I do. Merlin help me, I do love you, Sirius Black.”

Draco had finally corralled Harry with a comb, and dragged him back to the group. “Positions, everyone!” He shrieked, taking his place.

“Circe, but that boy has to be part-harpy,” Sirius flinched.

Remus smacked him gently. “Don’t be mean,” he giggled. “Draco’s just spirited.”

They took their places, Harry and Draco standing behind a seated Remus and Sirius, who had James in his arms. “Everyone look sharp!” Draco cried. “And Potter, pout like how I taught you, your lips are far too thin-“

*CLICK*

***

Everyone agreed that it was a splendid picture.

Picture Remus and picture Sirius were beaming, happy at last.

Picture Harry was also beaming toothily, Draco’s instructions to pout being soundly ignored.

Picture Draco was chattering loudly, criticizing everyone, “We know you have teeth, but for Merlin’s sakes, put them away, ‘tis improper to display ones mandibles in a portrait-“

Picture Harry would roll his eyes, “Oh, cram it, you poncey niffler.”

“Niffler! Why I ought to-“

In life, Remus looked at the bickering boys and then at Sirius. “Hell of a photo, huh?”

Sirius grinned. “It’s perfect.”

Together forever, picture Remus took picture Sirius’ hand in his own. “It really is.”

***