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David's Past

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Tap, Tap—

Matt leaned back against the wall, sighing with enjoyment.  He stroked David’s smooth head as his mouth bobbed up and down on Matt’s cock.   It didn’t matter how many times they did this, how many times David was on his knees in front of him, his clever tongue banishing all thoughts of work, of the world, of anything but David, David, David, it was always good.

Shifting, Matt pushed his jeans and underwear a little farther down his thighs.  One of David’s fingers teased the sensitive spot at the back of Matt’s balls and Matt hummed with pleasure.  Matt wondered if David was planning on fucking him, or just sucking him off where he’d grabbed him and pushed him against the wall the minute Matt had walked through their front door.  He hoped that David would give him the opportunity to return the favor and suck him off as well, but when David was in this sort of mood, it was wisest to just let him lead.

David pulled off and nuzzled Matt’s balls.  Matt took one hand from David’s head and gripped his own cock.  He rubbed the head of his throbbing cock against David’s face then tapped it against David’s cheek, enjoying the different sensation.

David froze.

The hand on Matt’s hip tightened painfully.

He shifted an inch away from Matt’s balls and said, his voice low, not lifting his head, “Don’t do that.”

Matt frowned, confused by David’s sudden change.  “Do what?”

“It’s called ‘cock slapping’,” David said in the same low, quiet tone.  “When you slap someone’s face with your cock.  Don’t do it.”

“Why not?  Is it bad?”

“Don’t do it to me.”


David moved away and stood up, wiping his mouth.  He didn’t meet Matt’s eyes.  “Sorry, lost the mood.”

Matt stared at him.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to …” To do what?  Offend you?  He had no idea what he’d done.  David had completely closed down.  His face was tight, remote, his gaze slightly to the right of Matt’s eyes.

“I’m tired,” David said.  “Think I’ll go to bed.”

“It’s only eight o’clock!” Matt responded.  “What’s wrong?”

“Good night,” David said.  He turned around and walked up the stairs, leaving Matt staring after him, his pants still around his thighs.

Matt reassembled himself and put away his bag.  He got a drink, splashed his face with water and tried to stop trembling. 

What did I do?  What did I do?  

It was as if, in one instant, David had changed back to the distant, unknown agent across the office.  As if none of the last year plus had happened, as if Matt was just a vague acquaintance, or at most, a barely-tolerated roommate.

Matt wiped his face with a towel, took a deep shaky breath, and went up the stairs.

David was lying on his side of the bed, facing away from Matt.  He’d taken off his clothes and presumably put on the boxers he slept in.

“David?” Matt asked softly.

There was no reply, not even a stirring.  Could David actually be asleep already?

Matt didn’t feel at all like sleep, but he changed into his sleep shorts anyway.  He turned the dim light on over the bed and turned off the rest of the lights.  He crawled into the bed then very carefully scooted over to David’s side.  He touched his back.


“I’m tired,” David said.  But his voice didn’t sound tired at all, it sounded thick and strange.

“David,” Matt said helplessly.  “What did I do wrong?  Please tell me … I’ll never do that cock-slapping thing again, I promise.”

“It’s okay,” David mumbled.  “Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t …” Matt echoed, then snapped, “How am I supposed to not worry about it?  Everything’s good, then all the sudden you turn into a stranger.”

“I’ll be okay in the morning.”

“Dammit, David, talk to me!  Give me something!”

David was silent for a long moment, so long that Matt wondered if he’d fallen asleep after all.  Matt was about to shake David awake when he spoke.

“Someone used to do it to me,” David said softly.  “Someone I’d prefer to forget.”

Matt fumbled for a response.  “A bad breakup?”

Another long pause.  “Something like that.”

“What other gotchas do I need to watch out for?”

“Nothing,” David said.  “Sorry, it just caught me by surprise.  I’ll do better next time.”

“Do better?”  Matt growled in frustration.  “Do better at what?  Hiding it?  Pretending that you’re enjoying something when you’re not?”

“That’s not what I meant,” David said.  “Just forget it.”

“No!” Matt said, yanking on David’s shoulder so that David had to turn towards him.

The look on David’s face was raw, pained, and sent a wave of anger through Matt that made him shake. 

“Who is this guy?” Matt snarled.

David’s eyes focused on Matt and lost a little bit of their wildness.  “It’s nothing, he’s gone.”

“Not really gone, not if you have this kind of reaction.  Dammit, David, you’re scaring the crap out of me.”

“Sorry,” David said, lifting a trembling hand to touch Matt’s face.  Matt had only seen David frightened and out-of-control once and that was after Colby had been arrested for being a double agent. 

David whispered, “Don’t leave me.”

“What?” Matt snapped in surprise.  “I’m not going to leave you, stupid.”

David pulled Matt down into a fierce hug.  Matt hugged him back, pressing his face against David’s shoulder.  

“Matt, Matt,” David murmured.

“I’m right here,” Matt said.  “Talk to me?”

“Matt …”


“It’s past, it’s gone.  Just let me hold you?”

Matt sighed and snuggled closer to David.  How could he refuse such a simple, heart-breaking request?

They lay together for a long time, Matt listening to David’s heartbeat, feeling every breath.  He could tell that David wasn’t asleep.  But at least he’d stopped trembling.

“You know,” Matt said conversationally.  “I’ve always thought I could plan the perfect murder, with my knowledge of forensics and police procedures.  The best murder would be one that looks like an accident.  People die in accidents every day.  How about I put my skills to the test?”

David gave a soft sound that could have been a sigh or a laugh.

“A fatal car crash, maybe, or a pedestrian hit-and-run.  No, too many witnesses and it’s a homicide, anyway.  How about that classic, the fall down the stairs?  Hey, he doesn’t happen to be fatally allergic to peanuts, does he?”

That time the sound was definitely a laugh.

“Does he spend any time near large bodies of water?  Heavy machinery?  Faulty space heaters?”

“Forget it,” David said, his voice a little more relaxed.  “He’s in prison, anyway.”

Matt sat bolt upright.  “What?  You’ve kept track of him?  What’s he in prison for?  Did you put him there?”

“No, I didn’t put him there,” David said.  “Can’t you just drop it?”

“No, David,” Matt said angrily.  “I can’t.  Somebody hurt you, is still hurting you, and that pisses me off.  I can’t just ‘drop it.’” 

Matt forced himself to stop and take a deep breath.  “Look, I love you and I … and I want to be with you for a long time.  Do you want to be with me?”

“We’re not even really ‘together’ now,” David said coolly.  “Not to the rest of the world.  Just friends, roomies.”

“I know but—” Matt’s eyes narrowed.  “You are not going to change the subject.  I’m not going to leave it alone until you tell me who this bastard is and what he did to you.”

David turned on his side, away from Matt.

Matt lay back down, cuddled up against David’s back and unabashedly used a time-worn ploy, “If you really love me, you’ll tell me.”

“Bullshit,” David snapped.  “Love has nothing to do with it, never did.”

Matt frowned.  “You didn’t love him?”

David’s voice suddenly went quiet and lifeless.  “Yes, I loved him.  Still do.”

“What?” Matt said, pushing away from David again.  “You still love him?”

“Of course I do,” David said dully.  “You don’t stop loving family.”

Matt’s world tilted sideways and his heart flipped end over end.  “Family?” he gasped.  “He was … family?”

David said nothing, his body unmoving. 

“Was it … your father?” Matt whispered hoarsely.  “Did he abuse you?”

“Never knew my father.”

“Then …”

“Brother,” David said, his voice painfully dull and flat.  “Big brother.  Both of them, but mostly one.”

“Bro—…” Matt shuddered in horror and his world slid a little more off axis.  “Your brothers …”  He pulled away from David and sat up in bed, curling his arms around his knees.  He stared at David’s back.  “Did you tell anyone?”

“No.  That would have meant social services, group homes, foster system.”

“Still …”

“No.  There was no way out but growing up and being too big to push around anymore.”

Matt hugged his knees tightly, rocking back and forth.  What could he possibly say to this?  He’d had a safe, good, protected childhood.  Maybe he and David didn’t have anything in common, after all.  But there was one thing …

“I love you,” Matt said softly.  Then a little louder, “I love you, David Sinclair.” 

He crawled off the bed and went around to David’s side.  David lay at the very edge of the bed, his eyes closed, his hand a white-knuckled grip on the mattress.  Matt sat on the floor and looked up at David. 

“David, love?”

David’s eyes opened reluctantly but he didn’t seem to see Matt.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Matt said, reaching out to touch David’s cheek lightly.  “I’m not going to leave you or hate you or be disgusted by you.  I’m sorry I pushed, I just … I love you, and when you hurt, I hurt, and I was trying to help, but I’m no good at talking about anything.”  Matt gave a harsh laugh.  “You know me, Mr. Denial.”

That got a flicker of something in David’s dull eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m one to talk,” Matt agreed.  “But … have you never told anyone before?”

David gave a tiny negative shake of his head.  Matt felt a rush of panic.  What was he supposed to do now?  How in Hell could he help David? 

Matt closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  Think, what does he need right now?  He opened his eyes and got to his knees.  Putting an arm around David’s shoulder, Matt said quietly, “I believe you.  Anything you want to tell me is okay, or not saying anything else is okay, too.   I’m sorry that I made it sound like you should have told somebody.  You were just a kid.  But you said ‘it’s nothing, it’s gone’.  That’s not true.  It was— is a bad thing and you should never have had to go through it.  I’m sick, pissed off, mad, but …”  Matt paused, swallowing.  He had to make sure that he really meant this before he said it.  “I’m glad you told me.  Thank you.  I love you.”

David said, “Okay.  Can we drop it now?”

“Y-yes.  Are you mad at me?”

“A little.”

“I’m sorry,” Matt murmured.  “I sorry that … I’m sorry.”  He gave David a cautious smile.  “How about I make it up to you?”

David grimaced.  “I’m not in the mood for—”

“Supper in bed?”


“You haven’t had supper yet, I bet.  I could make some noodles and there’s probably some of that garlic pesto sauce left.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Nonsense,” Matt said briskly.  “You’ve been working hard today, saving the world.  You need supper.”

“Matt …” David grumbled, but not too much.

Matt got up and quickly re-dressed.  He went downstairs, put some water on to boil and put the sauce on to warm up.  Then he stood and stared at the stove.

Oh my God.  What do I do?  David …  He felt torn up and angry and sad and helpless.  Part of him wanted to forget this evening had ever happened.  Another part of him wanted to know every awful detail, as if knowing everything would somehow relieve David of the burden. 

C’mon, calm down.  I’m sure there’s help out there.  Matt tried to breathe deeply, but his chest ached, as if he’d gotten punched. 

David, his David, so strong, so solid … a victim of abuse.  Matt knew intellectually that anyone could be a victim of abuse and he’d learned over the time they’d been together that David was a lot more vulnerable than he appeared.   But still, David …

Maybe this was the reason he always keeps people at arm’s length.  Why he sleeps—slept— with so many people.  But I know he’s been in love before.  He’s even been married ...  And now he’s got me, and I’m unable to move forward or move back.  Yeah, I’m really helping him.

Matt gazed morosely at the water until it began to boil.  He dumped in some noodles, stirred the noodles and the sauce, then went back to staring.

I can’t talk to anyone about this, not without revealing David’s secret.  He rubbed his chin.  I’m sure there’s help online.  Some suggestions, some people I could talk to, someone to tell me if I should push or back off …  Someone that won’t get upset if I scream or throw up or put my fist through the wall …  His goddamn brothers  I bet I could arrange a murder in prison …

Matt shook himself and got out plates and silverware.   He got a couple of beers from the fridge, popped off their lids, and took a swig from one.  A large swig.  Then a second one.  He pushed the beer aside. 

He poured the noodles into a strainer then divided it onto two plates.  He stirred in the sauce, his hands working independent of his brain.  Supper ready, he went over to the DVD shelves and picked out a movie, something familiar and fun.  Calling on his teenage experience as a waiter, Matt carried plates, beers, forks, napkins and movie upstairs.

In the bedroom, Matt found that David hadn’t moved. 

“Supper,” Matt said around the DVD case gripped in his teeth.

David didn’t stir and Matt spat the DVD onto a nearby chair. 

“C’mon, honey,” Matt cajoled.  “Eat for me.”  He was reminded of the time after Colby’s arrest, when David had fallen apart and had to be badgered into eating and sleeping and showering.

Matt set everything but one plate on the dresser and took that plate over to David.  He waved it underneath David’s nose.  “Mm, yummy green stuff,” he said.

David opened one eye and gave him a skeptical look. 

Matt gave him a cheerful grin.  “Do I need to do the ‘airplane’ thing?  You know I will …”

Groaning, David sat up and took the plate. 

“Good boy,” Matt said, and got David his fork and beer.  He held up the DVD.  “Legend of Drunken Master?”

David gave a slight shrug and Matt set up the small TV to play the DVD.  When it was running, Matt got his own food and sat down on the bed next to David.  They ate and watched a young Jackie Chan for a while.   Matt wasn’t feeling that hungry himself, but he made himself clean his plate.  David silently followed his lead.

Taking the dirty plates, Matt got off the bed.  “Want another beer?”

David gave another slight shrug, this one perhaps more on the negative side.  Matt decided to interpret it that way and took all the dishes downstairs then returned with two cans of Coke.  He crawled into bed and scooted towards David.  Handing David one of the Cokes, Matt nudged David until he raised his arm and Matt could cuddle against his side.

A heavy sigh came from somewhere deep inside David and, setting the Coke aside unopened, he wrapped both arms around Matt.

“Hey,” David murmured, hardly loud enough to be heard over the movie.

“Hey, yourself,” Matt said, putting his drink aside as well.  He rested his cheek against David’s bare shoulder.  “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”  David’s arms tightened around him.  “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”  Matt said stoutly. “Sorry for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?  Sorry for being victimized?  Sorry for growing up into a wonderful, strong man anyway?”

David didn’t answer for a moment, his breathing harsh.  Finally, he said “I’m sorry for bringing you halfway home and not finishing.”

It took Matt a second to realize that David was talking about the blowjob that he’d been giving Matt before all this had started.  “Uh, it’s okay.  I’m sure you’ll make it up to me some other time.”

“Okay,” David said.

Matt waited, but David didn’t say anything more.  The familiar movie played in front of them.  At the end, when Jackie Chan did his frantic backwards crawl across the burning coals, Matt couldn’t help but sympathize.  He’d been thrown in the fire, too, and there was nothing to do but move.

After the movie finished, David used the remote to turn off the TV then reached up and turned off the light.  Matt stripped his clothes back off and turned on his side, facing away from David.  He held his breath until David scooted up against him, chest to his back, David’s warm arms wrapping around him.

“Goodnight,” David said.

“Goodnight,” Matt replied. 

They closed their eyes and the quiet of night settled over the room, but it was a long time before either of them found the peace of sleep.


Here's one excellent source that Matt might use: HAVOCA Support A Survivor

Chapter Text

Knock, Knock—

Matt watched David watch TV.  The FBI agent was on the other side of the couch from Matt, not touching him.  In fact, David never touched him anymore.  He didn’t even hold him while sleeping, not after that first night.  It made Matt feel lost, adrift. 

It had been thirteen days since David had revealed to Matt that he’d been molested by his older brothers.  Since then, Matt had spent hours online, reading websites and talking on forums – with an ID that would take another brilliant FBI technician to trace, of course.  Matt was just beginning to realize what a gift David had given him by telling him, and how much it had probably cost David to do so.  Matt ached for him, ached for the small, resigned boy that could only wait to ‘get too big to push around’ and ached for the adult man who still bore the scars.  Matt also ached in a different way for David’s touch.  He hadn’t realized how tactile their relationship had been until those casual touches had been taken away.

David now sat and watched TV, but Matt could tell he wasn’t really seeing it.  Matt had read page after page of information about the sexual difficulties of adult survivors of sexual abuse.  But ultimately there was only so much that websites and forums could tell him.  Eventually he would have to take the situation into his own hands, would have to use his personal understanding of David and his own instincts to try to move forward. 

I can’t live like this, so I better start doing something about it right now.  Matt took a deep breath. 

David’s eyes shifted to him at the noise.  Those dark eyes were distant, cool, and made Matt tremble with anxiety.  But he took another deep breath and then said quietly, “David, will you answer me one question?”

Tension creased the skin around David’s mouth and eyes but he gave a short nod.

“Can I touch you?”

The flash of jumbled emotion in David’s eyes hurt Matt to see, but at least it was life. 

“Only if you want to,” David whispered.

“Yes,” Matt said firmly.  “I want to.”

David visibly swallowed.  “Okay.”

“Thank you,” Matt smiled.  He picked up the remote and turned off the TV.  Then he got up from the couch and held out his hand to David.  “Let’s go upstairs.”

David’s eyes slid sideways.  “I don’t know if I—”

“Shh, honey,” Matt said softly.  “Let me take care of you.”

David’s eyes came back to Matt’s and he slowly held out his hand.  Matt took it and pulled David to his feet. 

He led David up the stairs, turning off the lights behind them as they went.  He turned on the dim lamp over their bed and asked, “Would you be willing to take off your shirt and lie down?”

David hesitated then began to unbutton his shirt.  Averting his eyes so that David wouldn’t feel any pressure, Matt went to his nightstand and got out some of his body lotion that David liked the smell of. 

When he turned back, David was laying on his back on the bed, his eyes staring straight up, his arms at his sides, his hands clenched into fists.   These signs of tension squashed any lingering urge that Matt had to just jump David. 

Matt saw that David was still wearing his shoes.  “David, is it okay if I take off your shoes and socks?”

David gave a short nod and, setting down the lotion, Matt carefully untied and removed David’s dress shoes then his socks.  Even David’s toes were clenched with tension.  Matt removed his own shoes and socks but left the rest of his clothes on.  He picked up the lotion and sat cautiously down by David.  “I’m going to touch your neck and chest, is that okay?” 

David nodded again and Matt squeezed some lotion onto his hands.  After warming the lotion, Matt leaned over and began, very lightly, to rub lotion on David’s neck.

“Do you know the first time I saw you, I thought you were a criminal?” Matt said with a smile.

David’s eyes shifted to Matt’s, mild curiosity showing in his eyes.  Encouraged, Matt continued, “You were sitting in an interrogation room with another man, and I couldn’t hear what was being said.”  He brought the other hand up and began to rub lotion over David’s breastbone.  “You were so cool and collected and the other guy was yelling at you, looking totally frustrated, and I thought, ‘He’s never going to break this guy.’”  A slight smile played around David’s lips, which eased Matt’s anxiety a little, as did the familiar skin under his hands.  “Turns out that you were the agent, and the other guy was the criminal and had totally confessed everything, just trying to get a rise from you.”

Matt ran his fingers over the muscles extending from David’s neck to his shoulders.  “I remember thinking, ‘Oh good, ‘cause I really want to meet that guy and I’m glad he’s one of the good guys.’”

“I still think that, you know,” Matt said, kneading lotion into David’s shoulder muscles.  “Can I touch your arms and hands?”

“Yeah” was the soft response, but at least it was a verbal response.

“I still think that that you’re one of the good guys,” Matt repeated, as he worked down David’s left arm.  “One of the best.  I used to watch you all the time in the office.  Sten – that’s what I call Stendhauser – was always teasing me about it.”  Matt gave a self-deprecating smile.  “If I came out to the office tomorrow, and told everyone that I was in love with you, Sten would stand up and say, ‘I knew it!’”  He chuckled.  “You should have seen the look she gave me when I said it just happened to work out that you and I were going to be roommates.”

“Think she guesses?” David asked.

“Yeah,” Matt said, half-shrugging as he worked lotion into David’s forearm.  “But she’d never say anything to anybody.”

“Would that be so bad?”

Matt sighed.  “I used to think so, but …” He gave another half-shrug.  “There are worse secrets, you know?”

David grimaced.

Matt bit his lip.  “Sorry, I …” He cleared his throat and moved on to David’s hand. “I love your hands, I could get lost in watching you write or type.  And the times I’ve seen you pulling on tac gear or holding a gun?”  Matt shivered in delight.  “I love the way your hands feel on my skin.  I love the way they look on my skin, like the perfect painter’s contrast in color.” 

“They’re just hands,” David mumbled.

“There’s nothing about you that’s ‘just’ anything,” Matt said firmly.  Squeezing more lotion onto his hands, he stood up, went around the other side of the bed and sat down again, taking David’s right hand between both of his.  “It wasn’t just your hands I was hooked on,” he continued.  He felt silly talking like this, but he’d never told David all these things, and maybe they’d help.  “I loved your smooth head, your shoulders, that black long-sleeved T-shirt you wore.”  He moved up David’s right arm.  David was just watching him, but he didn’t seem to be as tense as he had been. 

“Then there was you, a mystery I wanted to solve.  You were so restrained, so controlled, but with occasional flashes of intense emotion.  I’m about as subtle as a brick,” Matt said and was rewarded with a small snort of agreement from David.  “And you had this subtlety around you, a quiet humor, but when you smiled, really smiled, God, it made my heart stop, no kidding.”

Matt had made his way back around to David’s chest and began massaging lotion into his pecs.  “You’re so smart, too, but you hold back and sometimes I just want to say, ‘Ask David, he knows!’”

David’s lips shifted into a real smile and Matt beamed at him.  “There ya go, honey.”

“Can I kiss you?” Matt asked carefully, wondering if this was rushing it.

In response, David reached up and pulled Matt’s face down towards his.  The kiss started out hard then melted into pure sweetness, longing and a sort of helpless hunger.   When they broke apart, Matt felt tears trembling on his lashes and David blinked several times, tears also in his eyes.

Matt turned his attention to shutting the lotion bottle to give both of them a chance to compose themselves.

When Matt trusted his voice, he looked back.  “Would it be okay if I kissed your neck and chest and upper body?”

David nodded, smiling slightly. 

Matt leaned forward and ran a line of kisses down David’s neck.  He propped himself up on his hands, careful to not make David feel trapped or restrained.   Making his way across the smooth skin of chest and right shoulder, he reached a spot, a scar that he’d never commented on. 

Rubbing his cheek against the scar, he said, “The day you got this, the day that you were shot by that Russian mob … I almost lost it.”  He shuddered with the memory of that day.  “It was the first time that I realized that what I do, if I made a mistake, that I could put you in danger.”

“You didn’t—” David began to protest.

“You think Charlie does all the computer work for the office?”  Matt said dryly.  “I helped walk you guys straight into that trap.”  He swallowed.  “Then when I found out you were in the hospital …” He dug his fingers into David’s chest and arm.  “I never want to feel that way again, so helpless and I couldn’t even—” He stopped and took a deep breath.  He looked up at David, whose eyes were unreadable.  “Sorry … This isn’t supposed to be about me, but you have no idea how much you mean to me …”

David raised his hand and brushed a strand of hair from Matt’s face.  It was a light touch but the first one he’d initiated in thirteen days and it felt like heaven to Matt. 

“Baby,” David said softly. 

“Yeah,” Matt said, rubbing his cheek against David’s hand.  “That’s me.  Since the first day you talked to me in the file room.”  He smiled down at David.  “I went in there, that day, expecting some sort of speech about discretion and that I should stop dancing.  But then you asked me if I was ‘curious’ and I thought, Hell, no, but the way you looked at me …  It was how I’d always wanted to be looked at by anyone and to have it be you.  I was still going to leave, get out of there before I did something stupid, like admit that I had a thing for you, when you pushed me against the wall and bit me.”  Matt couldn’t help a breathy moan.  Even now the memory of that moment could make him dizzy.  “It was … it was like the world had been flat and black and white before and suddenly it was all motion and color, and rational thought flew out the window.”

David gave a small smile.  “There aren’t any windows in the file room.”

“You know what I mean,” Matt said with a responding smile.  “From that moment on, I was yours.  It just took you a little time to claim me.”

“But it was fun in the meantime,” David said, his smile widening. 

Matt grinned at the sight and the return of a little life and lightness to David’s face.  Serious progress!  He shifted off David.  “I’m going to take my shirt off, is that okay?”

“Sure,” David said and even helped Matt pulled off his shirt.

Matt tossed his shirt aside then lay down next to David.  David put his arm up and Matt shifted happily until warm arms closed around him.  He felt the connection of skin-to-skin, cheek against David’s shoulder, chest against David’s side. 

“I missed you,” Matt whispered.

“Missed you, too.” 

Matt cuddled up against David, fully prepared to just enjoy the progress that they’d made tonight. 

After a long moment, David said, “Matt?”

“Hmm?” Matt murmured.

“Are you gonna stop now?”

Matt lifted his head.  David’s face looked tense again, his dark eyes troubled.

“Um, I don’t want to push you,” Matt responded.

“Do you … not want to?” David asked.  “If you don’t—”

“No, no,” Matt said quickly.  “I want to, really, I just thought … I just thought if I could keep it non-sexual, you’d be more comfortable …”

“Matt,” David said with a ghost of a smile, “I’m afraid that you kinda failed in making it non-sexual.”

Matt grimaced.  “Dammit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

David cut his apology short.  “I need you.  I need to be in you.  I need to know that we’re okay.”

“God, that sounds good, but are you sure?”

David stroked Matt’s cheek and his voice dropped to barely audible.  He never let … I was always … This is mine, mine and yours.”

Matt swallowed a lump in his throat.  “Okay.”  He got up from the bed and took off his clothes.  David also shed the rest of his clothing.  Matt got out lube but not a condom.  They’d have to clean up later but Matt wanted to be as close to David as possible.

Handing David the bottle of lube, Matt got back onto the bed and lay down on his stomach. 

David sighed, but it sounded like a sigh of relief.  His hands began to knead Matt’s ass and Matt gave his own sigh of relief.  He shifted, opening his legs, raising his ass, anything to get David to hurry.

He heard the sound of lube being squirted, then David’s welcome fingers were inside him, stretching him.  Neither of them spoke while David finished then pulled out his fingers and positioned himself above him.

David pushed in slowly, opening Matt up, filling him, completing him.  He lay down against Matt, covering him with his warm body and lacing his fingers through Matt’s.  Matt murmured in happy encouragement.

“So I mean a lot to you?” David said, his voice was teasing but there was an edge of something else. 

“A helluva lot,” Matt responded.  “So much.”

David put his cheek against Matt’s and asked, very quietly, “What am I to you, Matt?”

Matt’s breath whooshed out.  “David …”


David was holding Matt tight so he couldn’t move, couldn’t get the sweet pleasure only fucking brought him.  He struggled to turn his attention away from his body’s demands and towards David’s question. 

“You’re my best friend,” Matt began slowly, feeling his way along.  “You’re my roommate, my lover, my security.   You’re the man who owns my heart.  I couldn’t take losing you, in any way.”

“And?” David asked.

“And …” Matt knew what David was asking.  “And you’re my boyfriend.”

“Am I?”

Matt gritted his teeth.  How did them trying to deal with David’s childhood sexual abuse turn into this?  There was no connection.  No?  That relationship was someone who used David only for sex, someone who was only with him in secret, someone who professed to love him then used him.  Bile rose into Matt’s throat at the thought that he could be in any way similar to the monsters that had made David’s childhood so traumatic.

“Yes,” Matt said at last.  “You’re my boyfriend.  I’m totally exclusive to you.  There’s no one else.  I’m not just biding time with you until I find a good woman.  I’m not ashamed of being your boyfriend, it’s not shame, it’s just …” Matt fought to put it into words.  “If … if I’m gay, then my whole life up to now has been a lie.”

“Huh?” David said, shifting in surprise.  That made his cock rub over Matt’s prostate and Matt groaned. 

“Do we have to talk about this now?”  Matt begged.  “Please, God, David, how can you stand it?”

“What do you mean, a lie?” David demanded.

Matt groaned again but answered the question, “All those women I’ve loved, girls I had crushes on, female bodies I’ve ogled … It’s all been a lie - lying to myself, lying to them.”

“But … not if you’re bisexual!”

Matt sighed into the pillow.  “I … I think that … I think that saying you’re ‘bisexual’ is kind of a cop-out.  Like you’re not ‘really’ gay, just sometimes.”

“You don’t think that people can be attracted to both men and women?”

“Not really.  Now, pleeease …” he begged.

David made a thoughtful, startled noise, like he’d forgotten what his body was doing then, finally, began to move.

“Thank God,” Matt moaned and tried to forget everything in the pleasure of David inside him.

“You’re my sweet fuck-baby, right?” David asked.

“Yes, God yes, David …”

David pulled out slowly and slowly back in.  “Mine?” 



“Yes, you’re my fuck-daddy.”

David snorted in surprise.  “Fuck-daddy?”

“Whatever pairs up with fuck-baby,” Matt said breathlessly.

“I ain’t your daddy,” David said, his voice sounding amused.

“Then whoever you are,” Matt snapped.  “Fuck me harder.”

David laughed and sped up, until he was slamming into Matt and all was right and perfect in the universe.

Matt melted into pure sensation, too long denied, the joint prostate and cock orgasm rising up in his body.  One more stroke and the orgasm blasted through him, scouring his mind clean of thought.

“Mine,” David snarled and exploded inside him. 

They rode together, in that timeless motion, until Matt was exhausted and David was soft.  Then they sank to the bed and lay together, chests heaving, limbs tingling.

“Now, that’s love,” David said finally.  “That right there.  That’s good, that’s right.  I should— could never doubt it.  That’s love.”

And Matt happily agreed.