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keeping secrets

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Keeping the fact that he was a werewolf a secret from his boyfriend had never been part of Kevin’s plan. It just...kinda happened. He and Jacob had met at work a year before and Kevin hadn’t even expected for their relationship to be more than colleagues. Then they started carpooling and spending more time at each other’s apartments and before Kevin knew it Jacob was one of his best friends.

 

Then they’d gone drinking one evening and suddenly Kevin had an emotional Jacob in his arms, sniffling that he liked him as more than a friend and that he didn’t have to feel pressured to like him back or anything. “I’ll get over it”, he’d said with trembling lips, but his fingers burying itself in Kevin’s jacket told him otherwise. Before Jacob could say anything more Kevin had leaned forward and pressed his lips against his. (It had been one of the best kisses of his life, after they’d both gotten over the fact that yes, it was really happening.)

 

 

Things had moved very quickly after that. They’d moved in together the following week and Kevin, the dumb fuck, had completely forgotten about the fact that he did in fact change into a wolf every fucking month and that having no place to go back to was pretty stupid.

So he had to find an excuse so he was able to leave every month, he eventually decided on saying he was going to his mother. It was a pretty stupid excuse, since Jacob usually asked if he could come with and Kevin would in turn have to find another excuse to tell him he couldn’t.

 

 

He didn’t really go to his mother. He knew she was extremely uncomfortable with his ‘condition’ as she liked to call it. Instead he went to an empty cottage in the woods close to his childhood home. The one he’d always gone to when he was a kid. Though he was safe and completely aware of everything when he changed, his mother hadn’t like him being in the house during full moons.

 

Kevin supposed he could just tell Jacob and just get this all over with, there were werewolves in this world. True, they only made up about 0,001 percent of the population, but it was known that there were werewolves. He was just afraid it would scare Jacob off, make him so uncomfortable he didn’t want to be with Kevin anymore. Their relationship was still fresh and unlike his mother he wasn’t bound to him by blood. He had the choice to leave if he wanted to.

 

 

 

So Kevin told himself he’d wait a couple more months and tell him when he thought their relationship could handle it. Then suddenly a year had passed and Kevin still hadn’t told him.

“You want to watch a movie tonight”, Jacob asked one evening during dinner, pulling him out of his thoughts. He looked up to find Jacob stare back questioningly.

 

“Oh yeah, sure. What do you want to watch?”, he asked and he smiled when Jacob scrunched up his nose, the way he did when he was thinking about it. It was one of Kevin’s favorites if he were to rank all of Jacob’s little habits. Followed closely by the way he sometimes blew away his hair from his eyes, it was getting long so he had to do it quite often.

 

“Hmm, how about something nostalgic? Like, a Disney movie?” Jacob offered and Kevin nodded enthusiastically.

“Weren’t we talking about how you’ve never seen ‘treasure planet’ a little while back? We should totally watch that one! It’s so underrated and it’s almost a crime you haven’t watched it yet”, he said.

 

 

"Sounds good to me", his boyfriend said and that’s how Kevin found himself practically buzzing on the couch as the other man put in the dvd. He all but pulled Jacob onto the couch and onto his lap when he walked over to him. Immediately putting his arms around his waist to keep him there.

 

"Kevin", Jacob complained with a small giggle, but he stayed put when he turned around to look at him and saw Kevin's puppy-eyed gaze. He stayed there until Kevin eventually started complaining about his legs being asleep about thirty minutes in.

 

"Well, then maybe you shouldn't have pulled me onto them in the first place then", Jacob said snidely, but he did get off. Kevin stretched his almost completely unresponsive legs and flicked his boyfriend’s arm.

 

"A little longer and I would’ve been paralyzed", he said dramatically when Jacob gave him a look.

 

 

"Is this your way of telling me I need to lose weight?", he asked dryly and Kevin gasped, immediately putting his face between his hands and squishing his cheeks.

 

"I would never, I like my baby just the way he is", he cooed. Jacob didn't even attempt to swat his hands away and just giggled fondly, it made Kevin's heart overflow with that all too familiar affection. "Ugh, you're disgusting."

 

 

"Correction. We're disgusting", he said before letting go and laying down, with his head on Jacob’s lap.

 

"What are you, a dog?", Jacob said affectionately when Kevin let out a small sound of contentment when he started playing with his hair. Kevin almost froze, but quickly decided to play it cool. That was a common phrase, right? True, it had never been directed at him, but it was till a common phrase nonetheless.

 

"Woof", he said without emotion and that threw Jacob right into another giggle fit. Kevin grinned. Fiasco avoided.

 

 

 

They finished the movie in relative silence and as they were getting up for bed, Kevin suddenly thought of something.

 

 

"I'm going to my mother's tomorrow", he said and the smile slipped off of Jacob's face at once. That started setting off the alarm bells in Kevin’s head. 

"Oh. I’m assuming you'll want to go alone then?", he said. That was new. Usually he asked if he could join.

 

 

"You assumed right. You know, like always", Kevin said with an uncertain smile, not sure how to act with this weird and unfamiliar atmosphere. Jacob didn’t return the smile and instead nodded stiffly.

"Right, like always."

 

Okay, something was definitely up. Kevin gently caught Jacob's wrist as he was making his way towards the bathroom.

 

 

"What's wrong, Jake?"

 

And when Jacob turned towards him Kevin could practically see his inner battle with himself. It was gone as soon as it appeared, though.

 

 

"Nothing's wrong, Kev. Don’t have too much fun without me, though", his boyfriend said with a sudden smile. Kevin stared, before hesitantly nodding.

 

"If you say so", he said, watching Jacob walk into the bathroom.

 

 

He tried to shake the uneasy feeling off. It kinda worked, until he walked into their room after washing up a little later and found Jacob laying at the very edge of the bed instead of right in the middle, which usually didn’t give them any choice but to snuggle close to each other, like Jacob liked it. Well, like they both liked it, but Kevin wasn’t about to admit that.

 

And his attempts at feeling as though there was no problem at all were completely shattered when he hesitantly put an arm around Jacob and snuggled up against his back and Jacob said: "I’m feeling kinda hot tonight, can you go lie down at your side, please."

 

Though the words were said with that gentleness Jacob seemed to always possess, Kevin still felt as though he might as well have yelled them at him, he didn’t say anything, afraid that his voice would betray how hurt he felt, and instead silently did as he was told.

 

 


 

 

He'd never felt this miserable during a full moon. He whined as he stared out the window of the cottage. Jacob hadn’t even given him a hug, let alone a kiss, before he left. He'd sill muttered 'be safe' but that wasn't nearly enough for Kevin to feel wholesome and happy. This day sucked. He didn’t understand how Jacob could treat him like this, like he was juts some sort of...acquaintance.

 

And it wasn’t just that evening. He'd been like that the entire day. And Kevin was sure there was something wrong. But he just couldn’t figure out what it was, since Jacob wasn’t giving him any answers. Was it because he couldn’t join him to his mother?
That was silly, they visited his mother every other two weeks together.

 

 

He buried his face in his paws and let out another long whine.

 

He must've done something wrong the evening before. Maybe Jacob was offended that he asked him to get off his lap?

 

That seemed even sillier, though. They’d joked about it after that.  

Maybe...maybe...maybe Kevin had louse or flees. He let out a distressed sound, as things seemingly started falling into place. That's why he’d refused the snuggles the night before and the hug just now.

 

 

The panic disappeared as soon as it had come. No, that was even more stupid than his previous suspicions. He would've said something then. Kevin knew Jacob well enough to know that he wouldn't let him walk around with parasites all over him. Especially when they were living in the same goddamn apartment.

 

When he finally changed back the next morning he'd wracked his brain but not found one plausible reason for Jacob’s being mad. He continued thinking as he got into his car, which he’d parked at a small clearing at the edge of the woods.

 

 

About half an hour later, he quietly snuck into the house, not wanting to wake his boyfriend up and give him another possible reason to be mad at him.

 

"You're home late."

 

Kevin almost dropped his phone and whipped his head around to find Jacob sitting on the couch. He looked about as tired as Kevin felt. His eyes were bloodshot and his voice had sounded quite rough when he’d spoken up.

 

"What are you still doing up?", he hissed. "Also, please give me a warning next time. Jesus fuck, Jacob. You nearly gave me a heart attack"

 

"I would've, but your phone was turned off", Jacob said.

 

 

Kevin didn’t even have to look at his phone to know that it was. Having it on when he was changed was stupid, he couldn’t possibly pick up and answer. Besides, if it did go off, it'd just hurt his more sensitive ears.

 

"Yeah well, you know my mom and technology don't really mesh well. You know how it is", he lied smoothly. Walking over to the couch.

 

 

"Right. You mom, because that's where you were, right?", Jacob asked. Kevin nodded, his heart rate suddenly picking up. Surely he didn’t-

 

"I know what you did last night, Kev", Jacob suddenly said, and for the first time since Kevin had known him there was none of the usual kindness in his voice, instead there was just cold accusations. Kevin's blood ran cold.

"Wha-? How'd you-?"

 

 

"I called your mom. She said you weren’t with her. That you've never been there without me", Jacob continued in that same voice that didn’t even closely resemble his own. Kevin could only stare, his mind still trying to comprehend that Jacob somehow knew. Had his mother talked? She must’ve.

 

"Honestly, at first I just thought you were ashamed of me and that was why you didn't want me to meet your mother, but then I did and yet you still kept going. I must say I've had my suspicions for a while, but I thought to myself: no, he's no like that. Not Kevin. He's good. But I guess I was fucking wrong", Jacob spat and hearing the profanity come out of Jacob’s mouth somehow brought Kevin’s out of his momentarily frozen state. He bit his trembling lip. His heart beating so fast he was afraid he was about to have a panic attack.

 

 

"But I am. Jake, I am good", he said, knowing full well it made him seem like a five year old, but he just had to get that out of the way. "I'm sorry I lied. I just...I didn’t know how to tell you."

 

"You should've told me from the beginning! If I'd know you were like that I'd have never started this thing in the first place”, Jacob said and Kevin flinched at the cruel words. Tears started pooling in his eyes. Of all the ways he'd imagined this conversation to go, this had not been it. He’d been prepared for rejection. But never like this. With filth swung at his head, as if he was the monster here that had chosen for this. By Jacob of all people, the one person that he thought migh’ve accepted him yet.

 

 

"Don’t say that. It's not like I have a choice", he said, voice brittle. "It's just the way I am."

 

Contrary to Kevin's expectations. Jacob let out sharp laugh. "Don't make me laugh. You always had a choice. But you still decided to do it anyway."

 

 

"That's not how it works, Jacob. It just happens every month. I really really can’t help it. Trust me, if I could, I would.", Kevin said as tears started running over his cheeks, because Jacob had to understand. He hadn’t chosen for this life.

 

 

Jacob turned away. Any of the very few other times Kevin had cried (Jacob was usually the more emotional one) he’d always come running, fretting over him, cupping his face between his hands and whispering sweet nothings before pulling him into a big hug.

 

 

"I want you out of my apartment", Jacob said and Kevin heard the way his own voice was trembling. Panic overcame him. Despite his tears he quickly sat down next to Jacob and grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at him. Sure enough, Jacob was fighting against his own tears. Kevin’s first instinct was to hug him, but he quickly suppressed it.

 

"Is it because you're afraid I'll hurt you? Because I swear, I would never! I could never. If it’s the change you’re worried about, I’ll make sure I'm gone. Even for two days if you want to be sure. But please, please, don’t let the fact that I'm werewolf ruin all of this. I love you, Jacob. More than anything', he begged and Jacob’s mouth fell open.

 

 

"Wait what?", he said.

 

"What?", Kevin said confusedly.

“ ‘Don't let the fact I’m a-?’ What are you talking about?", Jacob asked highly and despite the fact that Kevin was glad that he sounded like himself again, he was more confused than ever. He wiped some tears from his face.

 

"Uh, about why you want me to leave. You know, me being a werewolf", he said confusedly, hope started forming. "Or is that not why?"

 

"No, I want to throw you out because you're cheating on me", the other boy said matter-of-factly.

 

 

"Oh", Kevin said, before fully registering what Jacob had just told him. "Wait, what?! What the fuck?! No! Why would you think that? I would never cheat on you! Jacob, what the hell! You know me better than that!"

 

He shook Jacob a little, as if he could force those thoughts out of his mind that way.

 

 

"Well, what was I supposed to think? You left every month with the dumbest excuse ever. And then I find out even that isn't real. Was I supposed to just know you were a werewolf? I...what the hell, Kevin. I thought...I thought you...God", Jacob sniffled, giving him such a wounded look that it made Kevin feel as though he’d really cheated. He quickly used his grip on Jacob’s shoulders to pull him forward, so he could hug his distressed boyfriend close. To his immense relief Jacob returned the hug, burying his face in his shoulder and letting out some calming breaths.

 

 

"Look, Jacob. I'm sorry I lied. Really, I am. I was just…scared. It was a dumb excuse and I should've known you would jump into conclusions like that. But...just know that I'd never ever hurt you like that. I love you. More than anything in the world. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you'll, you know, still have me now that you know,", he said, suddenly nervous.

 

 

Jacob let out a soft sob and started shaking his head. "Don't say that, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I made you cry because I jumped into conclusions and reacted the way I did. I love you, too. And I should've known you'd only keep something a secret because you were scared of how I’d react."

 

Kevin practically felt the stress of the night leaving his body. He almost slumped over, but decided against it if he didn’t want to make Jacob, who was still heavily leaning against him, also topple over and off the couch. That probably wouldn't be a very gentleman-thing like to do.

 

 

"So you still want to be with me?", Kevin asked and Jacob reacted by letting go of him and slamming his lips against his.

 

Kevin appreciated the gesture, but he could taste the salt of Jacob’s tears and his boyfriend was clearly still distressed and that was very much not sexy.

He gently cupped Jacob’s face and pulled away. "Let's kiss when you've stopped snotting all over the place."

 

 

Jacob let out a weak giggle and Kevin wiped away some stray tears.

 

"By the way, remind me to never make you mad again. You're ruthless", he said when Jacob was completely calm and sagged against him on the couch, playing with his hand, a couple of minutes later.

 

 

"But at what cost? Two minutes of anger which I'd literally been building up for months and then I have to cry for half an hour to recover", Jacob muttered. Kevin laughed. "You’re too good for this world."

 

"Don’t I know it", Jacob sighed, before peeling himself off of Kevin to look him in the eyes.

 

 

 

"So...the werewolf-thing…", he started cautiously and Kevin straightened up before nodding.

 

"Right, the werewolf-thing."

 

 

"I don’t really know much about it. I've had one kid in my class in sixth grade who was also one, but that’s about it. If you want, you could educate me”, he opted and Kevin nodded with a small smile.

“Yeah, I can do that.”

 

 

And as he told Jacob all there was to know about his ‘condition’ and saw him listen without once showing judgement or wariness (instead nodding along and even asking some questions) Kevin realized it’d been silly of him to not tell him earlier.

 

“Can’t you just stay here to change then? If you’re not dangerous?”, Jacob asked when he was done.

Kevin stared at him. “You’re not…scared or anything?”

 

 

“Of course not. You just told me you’re still you even when you’ve changed”, Jacob said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kevin looked into his eyes and found no trace of hesitation. He grabbed Jacob’s hand and squeezed.

 

“Yeah, okay. I can do that. It’d, y’know…It’d be nice not to be alone for once”, he said shyly.

Jacob squeezed his hand as a gentle smile appeared on his face. “From now on you don’t have to be alone anymore, Kev. Cause I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too.”

 

 

And this time, when Kevin planted a kiss on Jacob’s lips, there were no tears. Instead he felt Jacob’s lips curl up even more as his free hand came to rest on his waist. For the first time in his life, the prospect of the next full moon didn’t seem so bad anymore, knowing that Jacob would be right there with him.

Chapter Text

“Okay, let’s go over it one more time”, Kevin pressed and Jacob rolled his eyes as they stepped into the apartment. The first few times Kevin had said that sentence, he’d seemed fond, but now he just seemed annoyed. They both pulled off their jackets.

 

 

“Oh my god, Kev. Stop freaking out. I know what’s gonna happen, okay? We’ve gone over this literally fifteen times”, he said as he poked Kevin’s side, it didn’t have the usual effect of Kevin giggling and batting his hand away, because he was so tense he hardly even felt it.

 

“Just one more time, Jake. Please”, he asked nervously and Jacob sighed before putting his hands on Kevin’s shoulder.

“Alright, so when it’s midnight you’ll first start to get really fidgety”, he started and when Kevin nodded encouragingly he went on. “Then you’ll start to change. At that point I won’t be able to talk to you anymore. The change is painful, but doesn’t that long-“

 

 

“How long at most?”, Kevin interrupted, feeling strangely as though he was testing Jacob before an exam. Except he was the nervous one.

“The longest it’s ever taken is two minutes”, Jacob said immediately. Before Kevin could even open his mouth he went on. “The shortest half a minute.”

 

“Alright awesome”, Kevin nodded and he ignored the snort Jacob let out. “Then?”

 

“Then you’ll have changed and you’ll kinda look like the werewolves from Twilight and not from Harry Potter”, Jacob said, seemingly pained. Kevin had shown him all the twilight movies in preparation.

 

(“But why? It’s not the same at all!”, Jacob had wailed in the middle of New Moon. “Also, you’re not a vampire, so why did we even watch the first one?”
“I need you to know how I’ll look”, Kevin had tutted, as if the reason that they were doing a marathon was because of that instead of him actually liking the movies. “Now, keep watching. Bella is about to see Edward again.”


“Oh my God.”)

 

 

“Right. And if you’re scared and want to leave, I’ll completely understand. So don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I’m used to being alone and-“, Kevin was cut off when Jacob used his grip on his shoulders to pull him closer, so they were nose to nose.

 

 

“Don’t even think for a second that I’ll leave. I’ve told you, you don’t have to be alone anymore”, Jacob said quietly, before pressing a quick kiss on Kevin’s nose. Kevin scrunched it and laughed. The heavy feeling fell from his shoulders upon hearing that. This entire month he’d been stressing out over the thought of Jacob being horrified upon seeing him when he’d changed and bolting out of the apartment (and then breaking up with him the next day for good measure probably).

 

 

His arms snaked around Jacob’s waist and he pulled him closer. “Thank you, Jake. I appreciate it. I really do.”

“Don’t be silly. I love you, it’s the least I can do”, Jacob said and the fondness was back. Kevin smiled and pressed his lips to his.

“I love you, too.”

 

 


 

 

 

Kevin still felt anxious waiting for midnight, but the fact that Jacob had confirmed that he had no intention in leaving was grounding. He’d only spent one full moon with someone else and that was his mom, who’d been freaking out at the time. After that she’d made sure to never be in his close proximity when he’d changed.

 

He made sure to undress and put a towel around his shoulders (he didn’t want another set of clothes ripped to pieces) and about a minute before midnight he started bouncing his leg. He felt the upcoming change in his bones, making him restless.

Jacob looked away from the tv and over at him, no sign of discomfort or fear on his face.

 

“The fidgeting?”, he asked and Kevin nodded.

 

Jacob took his hand in his and squeezed. Kevin gave him a small smile, before he felt his bones start to shift a couple of seconds later. He let out a small whine and pulled his hand out of Jacob’s. Not wanting to risk hurting him when his nails inevitably started sharpening. He closed his eyes, grit his teeth and tried to focus on Jacob’s soothing voice, whispering sweet nothing.

When the change was finally done after about a minute of excruciating shifting of bones, nails and teeth he opened his eyes, vision clearer than it was when he was just himself. His eyes immediately settled on Jacob, who’d stopped talking and was instead studying him closely. His face was carefully blank and didn’t betray how he felt.

 

 

Kevin let out a small sound of distress and nosed at Jacob’s hand. To his immense relief he quickly started petting him as he let out a breathless giggle.

“Sorry, that was kind of overwhelming. I didn’t know what to say for a second. Your eyes…”, Jacob’s hand stilled for a second, quickly beginning again when Kevin nudged it. “They’re still the same, did you know?”

 

Kevin let out a affirmative sound. “It’s crazy. It’s literally you, but in wolf-form.”

 

Then he stifled a laugh, his eyes twinkling and speaking when Kevin gave him a questioning look. “Sorry, I just realized you’re kind of like a furry.”

 

Oh my fucking god.

 

 

Kevin glared at him and stepped away from him, to the other side of the couch, where he curled up. If he could he’d be pouting. Jacob was now full on laughing, clearly having a grand ol’ time. Clearly Kevin shouldn’t have fucking worried so much.

 

Like a furry, he’d said. He couldn’t believe this.

 

“I’m sorry. Just…”, Jacob giggled. “Don’t be mad. It’s not like being a furry at all. Sorry.”

When Kevin ignored him he kneeled down I front of him.

 

 

“Kevin, baby. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you a furry. This is our first full moon together, let’s not be mad at each other. Come on”, Jacob said as he poked his side. Kevin looked up, looking at him quietly, before abruptly licking Jacob’s cheek, letting out a sound akin to a chuckle when the older boy let out a shriek.

 

“Kevin, what the hell”, he whined, standing up and wiping the spit away before sitting down next to him. “That’s gross.”

 


Kevin simply blinked innocently at him and Jacob let out a snort and affectionately rolled his eyes.

 


After a couple of seconds Kevin moved over to him to nose into his neck. As he did so he suddenly realized how good he smelled. Jacob had always smelled good to Kevin, sweet because of the vanilla-scented shampoo he always used. But now, with his sharpened senses, he smelled something else. Something he’d sometimes gotten a whiff of when he was alone in the cottage, something that smelled like home.

 

And when Jacob put his arms around him and started petting him again he closed his eyes and let himself be lulled to sleep with Jacob’s sweet scent surrounding him and his calm heartbeat in his ears.

 

 

 

When he woke up again it was because of the all too familiar shifting of his bones. He bit his teeth and groggily opened his eyes when he was sure it was over. He found himself sagged against Jacob, who was blearily bilking back at him, clearly also having just been woken up by Kevin’s change.

 

“Did we just both sleep through our first full moon together?”, Kevin asked disbelievingly.

 

Jacob nodded as he wiped one of his eyes, clearly not believing it himself. “I guess we did…?”

 

“What the fuck”, Kevin muttered and he let out a small noise of protest as Jacob started detaching himself from him.

“No offense, Kev. I like cuddling with you, but I’d prefer it if we’re either both wearing clothes or both naked”, Jacob said amusedly and Kevin looked down at himself.

 

Right.

 

 

“Well, then take off your clothes”, Kevin said with a small eyebrow wiggle and Jacob laughed as he stood up.


“Not on the couch, we let other people sit there.”

 

“They don’t know that”, Kevin said with a small wink, but he was already getting up and going over to the bedroom to get some clothes. When he came back Jacob has set two bowls on the table, getting some cereal from the cabinet.

 

 

“You want special K?”, he asked when he noticed Kevin walking over to him. The answer got stuck in Kevin’s throat when he took in Jacob, illuminated by the sunlight peeking through the half closed blinds and looking at him with affection and love in his eyes, despite the fact that he was anything but normal. He didn’t have to stay with Kevin when he was changed, there wasn’t a single drop in Kevin that would’ve blamed him if it turned out he wasn’t comfortable with him.

 

 

But he’d stayed and he was still looking at Kevin like he held the entire world in his hands.


He walked straight past the table and his awaiting bown and instead over to Jacob, whose eyes widened slightly. As soon as he was stood in front of him he reached out and pulled him forward and into his arms. For a second the both just stood there. 

 

 

“You’re my home”, he said then, feeling more sincere than he ever had. Jacob’s arms immediately circled around his neck.

“And you’re mine”, he said, sounding a bit choked up as he pressed a kiss into Kevin’s hair. Kevin's arms tighthened around his waist, pulling him even closer. 

 

And as they stood there, pressed together, Kevin swore he could smell home.