Chapter 1: Pillar Fam
[Esidisi] changed their name to [Wake Me Up]
[Wamuu] changed their name to [Before you go go]
[Santana] changed their name to [WAKE ME UP INSIDE]
Kars: Did you plan that?
Wake Me Up: it was a social experiment
Wake Me Up: i successfully determined which of our children has good taste in music
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: and of course it's me
Wake Me Up: correct
Wake Me Up: Santana is our new favorite child, Kars
Before you go go: but Wham was the best band of the 20th century
Kars: I still like Wamuu better.
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: wow excuse me what
Kars: He made better grades in school and always washed the dishes when he was told to.
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: yeah well fuck you
Kars: He also doesn't swear at me. Go to your room.
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: I don't even live with you
Kars: Go to your room, Santana.
Wake Me Up: Yknow you didn’t have to take it there, I was joking when I said Santana was my favorite
Wake Me Up: I love both my sons equally
Wake Me Up: even if one of them likes 80s pop
Before you go go: with all due respect, what's wrong with 80s pop?
Wake Me Up: for starters 80s rock is way better
Before you go go: but consider
Before you go go: the music was actually very good and George Michael was a beautiful, beautiful man
Wake Me Up: wow that’s pretty gay
Kars: … Esi?
Wake Me Up: babe?
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: you’re also gay, dad
Wake Me Up: slander
Kars: We are MARRIED
Kars: We have two children
Kars: Children who we are literally talking to right now
Wake Me Up: lol yeah true that’s pretty gay
Kars: How… How have I put up with you for so many years
Wake Me Up: because you love me?
Kars: Hmph. I suppose you’re right.
Wake Me Up: i love you too
[Before you go go] changed their name to [Wamuu]
Wamuu: the joke was getting old
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: weak.
[Wake Me Up] changed their name to [Esidisi]
Esidisi: he’s right
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: well i’m keeping my name as this
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: i think it truly reflects who i am inside
Wamuu: an edgy, angsty teenager?
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: i’m 21 but yes
Esidisi: that doesn’t matter, angsty teenager is a state of mind
Kars: And it’s a state of mind Santana will probably never grow out of.
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: now that’s not entirely true
Wamuu: you’re the same one who says “God, I wish I were asleep right now because sleep is as close as I can get to death” on a regular basis
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: but i’m not wrong
Wamuu: And do you still angst about that Joseph boy you loved so much?
WAKE ME UP INSIDE: do you?
Wamuu: … That’s none of your business
Ice Ice Baby: Vanilla Ice
The Entire Horse: Hol Horse
The Rose: Midler
p-p-poker face: Daniel D'Arby
Gamr boy: Telence D'Arby
Humanized Catholic Guilt: Enrico Pucci
Dan of Steel: Steely Dan
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
[Magneto] added [The Entire Horse], [Ice Ice Baby], and 7 others to [Dio's Minions]
The Rose: Mariah is this necessary
Ice Ice Baby: Why is Dio not even in this chat?
Dan of Steel: does he need to be??
Ice Ice Baby: I'd like him to be. Especially considering that he is in the name.
Magneto: We may be defined by Dio but he doesn't need to be part of everything we do
Magneto: I don't think he'd want to be here anyways
The Entire Horse: let's see
[The Entire Horse] added [DIO] to [Dio's Minions]
[DIO] has left [Dio's Minions]
The Entire Horse: looks like you was right Mariah
Magneto: I'm always right
Oingo: is Boingo also not invited?
Magneto: eh yeah I mean he's a little kid and given the kind of people we are he probably doesn't need to be here
[N'Doul] changed the chat name from [Dio's Minions] to [Dio's Harem]
N'Doul: more accurate name
p-p-poker face: don't know about that, we haven't ALL slept with Dio
Magneto: we haven't??
The Rose: okay role call who here has slept with Dio? I have
N'Doul: I definitely have
Ice Ice Baby: Many, many times.
Gamr boy: i have
Oingo: … once or twice…
Dan of Steel: yeah same
The Rose: Ok and who has not?
p-p-poker face: I haven't
The Rose: … anyone else?
Magneto: wow Daniel you… really don't know what you're missing out on
p-p-poker face: is he that good
N'Doul: oh god yes
Dan of Steel: hey i just noticed
Dan of Steel: hol horse and enrico didnt say anything
Magneto: shit you're right!
Magneto: @The Entire Horse @Humanized Catholic Guilt the fuck is up guys
Humanized Catholic Guilt: What exactly are you asking?
The Rose: have you ever fucked Dio??
Humanized Catholic Guilt: …
The Entire Horse: uh well
The Entire Horse: listen I ain't gay or anything yknow?
Dan of Steel: ive seen enough porn to know where this story is going
The Entire Horse: but Dio… offered… and I figured well how can I be sure I'm not into men if I've never tried it?
Gamr boy: oh my God
The Entire Horse: so I guess the answer to y'all's question is yes
N'Doul: well? Did you enjoy it?
The Entire Horse: ….
Dan of Steel: that's the only answer I need
Dan of Steel: Enrico how about you? You ever fucked Dio?
Humanized Catholic Guilt: Under Roman Catholic law priests are not allowed to engage in sexual relations
Gamr boy: yeah but we didn't ask about roman catholic law we asked if you fucked Dio
Magneto: dw we won't tell
p-p-poker face: I wouldn't even know who to tell…
The Rose: yeah would it be the pope or something?
Humanized Catholic Guilt: We… May have done some things, in the past… but we never went, uh, “all the way”
Dan of Steel: ooOH
Dan of Steel: Perfect! Now I have blackmail material on everyone in here
[p-p-poker face] changed the chat name from [Dio's Harem] to [Dio's Friends]
p-p-poker face: since we established that we haven't all slept with dio
[Magneto] changed the chat name from [Dio's Friends] to [Dio's Harem and daniels here too i guess]
p-p-poker face: i don't like it
Gamr boy: i think it's perfect
Edit: I am happy to announce that, after all this time, this chapter is being spun off into a full fic of its own! Click here to read it!
Okay so if any of these chapters get continued it would be this one ='D I had a lot of fun writing it but as of right now I just don't have any more ideas for it... We'll see though we'll see
It was so hard to narrow it down to my favorite of Dio's minions too hence why we're starting with 10 characters this time when I usually prefer writing smaller groups dhabvav
Chapter 3: Stone Ocean Crew
Quick notes: this takes place in the same universe as Joestar Family Groupchat Shenanigans so Jolyne goes by the last name Joestar in this AU
Narc Anastasia: Anasui
Weatherman Wes: Weather Report/Wes Bluemarine
utility lesbian: Jolyne
Sheldon J Plankton: Foo Fighters
I might continue this one if the whim ever strikes me idk
[Weatherman Wes] added [Narc Anastasia] to [juvenile delinquent zone]
Narc Anastasia: what's this?
utility lesbian: our groupchat
Narc Anastasia: we have a groupchat??
Sheldon J Plankton: yeah we have for a while actually!
Narc Anastasia: wh.. then… why wasn't I invited til now…?
utility lesbian: because i didn't like you when we first met
Narc Anastasia: oh…
utility lesbian: wes kinda convinced me to give you a chance though so
utility lesbian: you can thank your boyfriend for bringing you to hell, anasui
Badbitch42069: no offense to anasui but tbh this is why I was in favor of just not telling him about the chat
Badbitch42069: now his feelings are hurt
Narc Anastasia: pfft no my feelings aren't hurt
Narc Anastasia: I mean all that happened is that all my friends including my boyfriend of like 6 months had a secret groupchat that I wasn't allowed in because Jolyne didn’t like me
Narc Anastasia: why would that hurt my feelings?
Badbitch42069: well now Jolyne wasn't the only reason
Badbitch42069: I also don't like you
Narc Anastasia: OK does anyone here actually like me as a person??
Weatherman Wes: I like you, Narciso
Narc Anastasia: thank you, Wes
Sheldon J Plankton: I don't really have strong feelings towards you, one way or the other but I think youre okay
Sheldon J Plankton: when I eventually lead the fish uprising you'll be spared
Narc Anastasia: good… to know?
Badbitch42069: its an inside joke
Narc Anastasia: oh
Narc Anastasia: I love inside jokes… I’d love to be part of one someday
Sheldon J Plankton: we should start a podcast
Badbitch42069: like, all of us?
Sheldon J Plankton: yeah!
Weatherman Wes: including Narciso?
Sheldon J Plankton: sure I guess!
utility lesbian: about what?
Sheldon J Plankton: uhh I dunno
Sheldon J Plankton: what do we like? What are we good at?
utility lesbian: petty crime?
Badbitch42069: can we make a podcast about that?
Narc Anastasia: “hi welcome to our podcast my name is Narciso Anasui and I just bought liquor for my underaged friends”
Badbitch42069: I'm Hermes Costello and I stole a dress from Target for my girlfriend's birthday present
utility lesbian: aww babe did you really do that for me??
Badbitch42069: it was supposed to be a surprise buuut yeah, I totally did <3
Weatherman Wes: my name is wes bluemarine my friends call me weather report and I uh… haven't committed any crimes super recently actually
utility lesbian: wrong because your hat is a crime against fashion
utility lesbian: im Jolyne Joestar and im one of the underaged friends anasui bought the alcohol for
Sheldon J Plankton: and I'm Foo Fighters! I punched a guy in the face yesterday
utility lesbian: and we're best buds who all met in jail after a party went very very bad
Badbitch42069: I actually love this
Weatherman Wes: let's not use our real names though I think we could get arrested for this
Sheldon J Plankton: the real theme behind the crime is friendship bc we all love each other so much
utility lesbian: id sell you all to satan for a bag of cheetos
Badbitch42069: WOW and after I stole a dress for you, too
Chapter 4: Steel Ball FUCK
So this one is, kinda special; I wrote most of it nearly a year ago and just decided it wasn't that good. I found it again today and after polishing it up a bit I actually really like it. If you keep up with the rest of the series, this probably takes place sometime before Johnny and Gyro's wedding.
Balls of Steel- Gyro
Health Points- Hot Pants/HP
Go Diego Go: Diego
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
[Lucy] added [Go Diego Go], [Health Points] and 2 others to [Steel Ball FUCK]
Lucy: hey guys!!
Go Diego Go: the fuck is this
Health Points: It's a group chat, Diego.
Go Diego Go: I can see t h a t
Lucy: I just felt like we needed one tbh I mean I never get to see you guys anymore
Lucy: especially since Johnny and Nick moved in with Johnny’s rich doctor fiance
Lucy: leaving their little stepsister all alone
hors: i wish we couldve taken you with us tbh
hors: dad isn't giving you shit is he??
Lucy: nah he knows you'd probably kill him if he did
Lucy: or maybe he's becoming a better person
hors: likely story
Lucy: lol right
Balls Of Steel: look on the bright side, Lucy
Balls Of Steel: the fact that you don't live with us means you don't have to interact with our weird neighbor
Balls Of Steel: who also happens to be the mayor
hors: oh yea, valentine??
hors: yeah hes… something alright
Go Diego Go: hard to believe he's an elected official
Health Points: One time he stopped me while I was getting my mail to tell me about how Jesus had blessed him to be a leader… at least I, I think that's what he was talking about.
Health Points: There was something about Jesus in there but it was mostly about napkins?
Balls Of Steel: when he does that all you can really do is just
Balls Of Steel: politely nod and slowly back away
hors: i don't want to talk too much shit on him though cause i mean hes a vietnam vet right??
hors: just seems mean
Go Diego Go: maybe his brain got fucked up in the war
Health Points: What, like he got shot in the head and it only destroyed the part of his brain that's responsible for giving coherent speeches?
Go Diego Go: yeah that's pretty much what I was thinking
Lucy: he sounds like he must be fun at parties.
hors: yknow i bet he is tbh
hors: gyro let's invite valentine to our next party
Balls Of Steel: that sounds like a terrible idea let's do it
Health Points: But most of your “parties” are just the four of us and Nicholas watching Friends.
hors: yeah we'll watch friends with the weird mayor
Balls Of Steel: hey hot pants?
Health Points: ?
Balls Of Steel: so. i didnt know nuns could use cell phones?
Health Points: I'm not a nun anymore.
hors: youre not??
Health Points: No. I'm literally dating Diego. How would I still be a nun. I quit years ago.
hors: damn i didnt know you could just
hors: quit being a nun
Health Points: Well they can't just hold someone prisoner in the convent.
Health Points: Maybe in the 1800s, but not now.
Balls Of Steel: so nuns can't date?
Health Points: You guys don't know much about Catholicism do you?
hors: i'm baptist
Balls of Steel: I was raised Catholic but I didn't pay attention during mass
Health Points: No, nuns can't date. Nuns are married to God.
hors: all of them?
Health Points: Well, not in a literal sense, there's no ceremony or anything but in a way, yes.
hors: so what you're telling me is that God is a polygamist
Health Points: that is not what that means
hors: well you just said nuns are married to god
hors: that means He must have thousands of wives
Health Points: And this is why I don't talk about religion with you guys
Health Points: This is why you still thought I was a nun
Health Points: To answer the first question, though, no, nuns aren't usually supposed to use the internet or cell phones. There might be small exceptions, but they're supposed to live a simple life of prayer and helping those in need.
Balls of Steel: sounds boring
hors: jeez that must suck
hors: i feel like I'm gonna die from boredom just imagining that
Lucy: pls don't die
hors: don't worry lucy, I wont
hors: i mean if i died who would take care of gyro and nick?
Balls Of Steel: while I emphatically agree that you should not die
Balls Of Steel: I think we could take care of ourselves if we had to
Balls Of Steel: like, I'm a surgeon. People's lives are in my hands almost daily
Go Diego Go: oh dear God that's horrifying
Balls Of Steel: shut the fuck your mouth Diego my point is I can handle myself
hors: okay but one time you tried to make pasta and you burnt it so…
Lucy: h o w
Balls Of Steel: COOKING IS NOT EASY OK
hors: YOU JUST BOIL WATER AND PUT THE PASTA IN IT HOW IS THAT NOT EASY
When I was first writing this I wanted to have Lucy in it but then I thought, "wait, why would they have ever met in this modern/mundane universe?" soo Lucy is Johnny's adopted sister now. Why not?