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Sometimes a Unicorn Stabs You in the Heart and You Just Have to Deal With It

Chapter Text

So here Hijikata was, sitting awkwardly across the booth from the other man in hideously pink café. He felt out of place still dressed in his uniform. Hijikata looked over to the other man trying to keep his eyes focused on anything but the dizzying pink lace everywhere and felt his eyes cross. Gintoki felt no such distress, more than content with the sweet smells of freshly baked cakes and caramelizing sugar. He bubbled with excitement, bouncing in his seat like a child. Hijikata ignored Gintoki as he explained that this was the first time in days that he had sugar, and that he could only have sugar once a week as per his doctor’s orders.

Hijikata ordered a black coffee and squeezed a healthy(?) serving of his favorite mayonnaise into the cup and sipped it, relishing the fatty taste and feeling a little more at ease.

Gintoki had ordered some extravagant dessert with a long-ass name that Hijikata hadn’t managed to catch and knew nothing about, but with the way Gintoki was jumping up and down in his seat, it was probably going to induce diabetes.

He should have guessed that there was nothing but sugar on the other man’s mind.

A couple more minutes passed and Hijikata decidedly blocked out anything the perm-head rattled on about. Gintoki huffed.

The dessert arrived. The waitress had trouble bringing it over and had to ask one of her coworkers for help.

Towers of ice cream and whipped cream adorned with shiny syrup and fruits and other goodies piled on top of the large tray. It had all the colors of the rainbow and a large amount of edible glitter. It looked as if a unicorn had died on the plate.

Hijikata gagged at the sight of it. Gintoki practically drooled himself out of his seat.

Hijikata shrugged. If this was what the permhead wanted as compensation, then so be it…

He figured he could get some work done while the other man pigged out. Taking out his binder filled with paperwork, he started on a couple of reports that were due soon.

After a few sentences and a couple of seconds later—

Gintoki moaned.

Hijikata looked up and rolled his eyes. Gintoki was enjoying his ice cream a bit too much.

Hijikata returned to his paperwork, resolutely ignoring the other man and quickly making progress.

He flipped a page, chancing a glance at Gintoki as he did so. When was he going to be done?

Gintoki licked a stripe up a cherry red popsicle, the tip of his pink tongue leaving a trace of saliva. The pen slowed in his hands, his usually impeccable handwriting becoming a messy scrawl.

A light pink adorned Gintoki’s cheeks, a flush of excitement from his body finally getting the sugar it needed.

Hijikata watched his eyelashes flutter and Gintoki gave another moan of appreciation at the sweet treat.

Gintoki lapped away at the popsicle unaware of the effect he was having on the Vice-Chief. Gintoki made another pleased sound and Hijikata’s writing stilled as he watched attentively and unashamedly.

The perm-head swirled his tongue and sucked up the juice of the melting popsicle not willing to let a drop go to waste.

Hijikata’s lips were oh so very dry. His body was showing an interest but Hijikata wasn’t going to admit it.

Gintoki sucked on the popsicle momentarily before pulling it out of his mouth with a pop. Gintoki licked his lips and Hijikata tracked the movement. The perm-head’s lips were red from the coloring and puffy from the cold. Hijikata wondered how he would look with his lips puckered around something else. Better yet, how Gintoki looked bent over his desk.

As if Gintoki could read his mind, he looked up to meet his eyes. Gintoki’s eyes were heavily lidded and Hijikata felt his heart still.

Gintoki licked another stripe on the popsicle from the base to the tip without breaking eye contact and Hijikata spluttered, feeling heat rise in his face.

How cute. Gintoki chuckled. And like that, the moment was over. Hijikata who sat a little too high in his seat stood up and slammed down a wad of cash onto the table and stormed out. Gintoki could see his blush reach the tips of his ears as he walked off, not to mention the impressive tent constricted by the leather pants of his uniform.

Gintoki smirked and popped a cherry into his mouth, taking his time with the dessert. That’ll teach him not to ignore me.

He looked down to see Hijikata’s paperwork scattered about. Seems like a trip to the barracks was in store.  

Chapter Text

Gintoki sauntered into the barracks and no one stopped him. He visited enough to be a regular although no one ever knew what he did there or why he was there. Honestly, it was a huge security flaw, but if no one felt the need to stop Gintoki, he didn’t feel the need to explain himself.

In hindsight, his visits paid off; He’d get to walk in and mess with the demonic Vice-Commander whenever he wanted.

He grinned cheekily. Okita looked at him, peeking from under his red sleeping mask and raised an eyebrow.

Gintoki didn’t see him, or chose not to acknowledge him, and the other sadist felt a little indignant.

He watched as the silver-haired samurai walked towards Hijikata’s quarters, and it clicked. That’d explain Hijikata’s mood. The Vice-Commander had huffed his way into his room muttering about popsicles and telling everyone not so politely to leave him alone.

Gintoki hummed walking to where he knew Hijikata’s rooms were. Time spent in the other’s body proved very enlightening.

He knocked on the door and after a couple moments of shuffling he heard, “Didn’t I say that anyone who bothers me will have to commit seppuku?”

A disgruntled Hijikata opened the door, words already tumbling out of his mouth. He stilled upon seeing the distinctive permy hair.

Gintoki took that moment to interject. “You took so long to answer that I’ve started to grow mushrooms,”

Hijikata wanted to say something about the disgusting state of his hygiene but Gintoki continued, “Were you taking care of the one between your legs?”

Hijikata looked nonplussed. “Why are you here? To terrorize me?”

Gintoki almost said yes. Gintoki looked away from the other’s crotch, clearly disappointed that Hijikata looked obviously prim and proper. He pouted.

“To return these to your majesty,” he pulled out the documents from his yukata with a flourish. Hijikata reached for the papers but Gintoki pulled them out of reach.

“What now?” Hijikata asked, agitated as he usually is with the other man. “What torture have you come up with to screw with my mind now?”

“Screw with your mind…?” Gintoki looked thoughtful for a moment. “Sorry, mind-break isn’t really my thing.”

Hijikata just stared at him for a while. Gintoki stared back. A moment of silence for his tasteless joke.

Gintoki pouted. “Is a ‘thanks’ too much to ask for?”


“Alright…well, since getting a ‘thanks’ from you seems to be harder than getting that stick outta your ass, how about I help you with your constipation?”

Hijikata sputtered. “I don’t have const—… I don’t know why I’m even doing this.” He closed the door on Gintoki, who looked like he was about to bust a gut laughing.

Hijikata walked back to his desk. He’d have to do without his files. It was better than dealing with that jobless wreck of a curly haired diabetic.

He sighed, taking a seat at his desk once more. Another headache was coming on. Shows just what a minute of interaction with the other man does to him. If he was going to power through his work, he needed caffeine stat. Preferably with a dose of his favorite condiment. He sipped from the cup Yamazaki had brought him earlier before tossing the anpan obsessed freak out of his room. It was cold. No mayonnaise in sight. Trust Yamazaki to do everything wrong.

He whipped out his trusty mayonnaise bottle from his coat and squeezed it with more passion than he’d admit even to himself. What came out of it was two tiny globs and a whole lot of air. He smacked at the thing again but to no avail. He reached for another bottle from his stash, but found only a bun wrapped in plastic with a note attached. “Too much mayonnaise is bad for your health. Try an anpan.” Fucking Yamazaki. This was sabotage. He’d have to deal with the traitor later.

Hijikata glanced at the door. Maybe a smoke was the way to go instead? He fingered his coat pocket, finding his last pack of cigarettes empty. He hurled it across the room. Then he glanced at the door again.

Maybe he had left? It had been a couple of minutes since he heard anything from outside… He’d sneak into the kitchen for some mayonnaise and kill Yamazaki on the way back. While simultaneously ordering him to go get more smokes. It was the perfect plan.

He crept towards the door, registering how odd it would look to an outsider, sneaking along the walls in his own room and acting shady all because he wanted to avoid the perm head. If anyone else ever even spoke a word to the perm head, they’d understand! And they’d do the same thing!

He slid open his door quietly, peeking through the crack. Empty.

He’d left! Hijikata could almost cheer. Yeah! Who was he kidding? He didn’t need to avoid the perm head after all! And why would he need to do that anyway? That would mean that Gintoki had the upper-hand on him, which he totally did not. He’d confront him face to face if necessary, obviously. He walked down the hallway and turned— then slammed himself back into the shadows.

The two sadists blocked his path. Chatting about some inane thing that sadists liked to chat about. Hopefully neither of them had seen him. He’d go back to his room and form a new plan— He slammed into a body that was frankly too firm for its own good.

Gintoki held out a bottle of mayonnaise to him. “Jimmy-kun told me that he replaced your mayonnaise.” Hijikata made a grab at the bottle but Gintoki took it away from him again. “I’ll give you your papers and the mayo if you just give me some time. Hear me out.”

Hijikata huffed. “Fine.”

Gintoki handed over the bottle without further delay, a cheeky smile on his face.

They walked back to his room and immediately Hijikata knew he had made a mistake. Letting the other into his room was going to lead to his destruction. Gintoki was rattling on about something that happened and honestly Hijikata was spacing out pretty badly. There was no way work was going to be done now. Why was this guy even here? … If he listened maybe he would have found out, but damn, it was just so easy to think about literally anything else while the perm head was talking. The wall sure looked nice today. Very nice. Just how the sun was hitting it right now was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. And was that a new tear in the mat?

If you just look past Gintoki’s head, right above his nest of hair you could see the scratch… “Nggh—” His own moan caught him off guard. His attention snapped down to the man currently on his knees, his mouth on his cock. Gintoki popped his lips off, looking at the same time proud and frustrated.

“I guess I really do hate being ignored. But I was wondering how long you’d be able to keep that up.” Gintoki smirked. “With my mouth on your cock and all… It’s almost a pity, I was kinda looking forward to riding you while you pretended not to notice.”

Hijikata shoved him away, but didn’t manage to push him very far. His seat on the table didn’t give him much leverage. How did he even get on there in the first place?

“But I definitely prefer this more.” Gintoki continued. “Your attention. I want all of it.”

Gintoki stalked towards him, and Hijikata watched him lick his lips. They were still red from the popsicle from earlier.

Gintoki dropped to his knees and looked up at him, as if searching for something. Whatever Gintoki saw in his face that warranted that smile, Hijikata would never know. Gintoki placed his hands on his thighs, pushing them apart with ease.

His fingers inched closer to his cock, and the bastard stopped. Thankfully! That is…

“You’re so hard,” Gintoki mumbled. “Did you enjoy my show earlier?” Bright red eyes looked into his, and Hijikata spoke, his throat drier than he liked. “No.”

Gintoki hummed and took hold of his cock, slowly massaging it. “You know if you didn’t run away earlier, I would have let you fuck me right then and there…”

His cock twitched. He had no control over it.

“Do you like that?” Gintoki looked at him again. “The idea of fucking me in front of everyone?”

Hijikata’s breaths were heavy. He also had no control over that. “No.”

“Showing everyone exactly what I deserved…” Gintoki licked a drip of pre-cum from the side of his cock, and his saliva left a trail. He wrapped his fingers around it lightly, taking care to massage the base of the head slowly.

He swirled his tongue around the tip before giving a gentle suck. “Mmn, so good.” He said it casually as if he was sucking on a popsicle and not his dick.

Hijikata couldn’t tear his eyes away. He didn’t even want to blink.

Gintoki started bobbing his head, moaning as he did, half-lidded eyes glancing upwards every now and then. What he couldn’t reach, he jerked with his hand. He still moved at an agonizingly slow pace, much to Hijikata’s exasperation.

Gintoki looked like he was having so much fun, Hijikata almost didn’t want to interrupt him. Almost.

He tugged at the curly white strands. They were softer than he expected. Gintoki slid off of his cock and raised a brow in question.

Hijikata responded by pulling him up by his hair, obviously with no regard to how much it hurt Gintoki. He leaned onto the table, supporting himself with his arms, and shoving aside a mess of paper without any regard for it either.

“You said you wanted to ride me.” Hijikata looked at him. “Was that just talk?”

Gintoki couldn’t take off his pants any faster. He fumbled with taking his tight jeans off, and Hijikata watched, amused. Hijikata also noticed a nice blush that wasn’t there before.

Gintoki fingered himself hastily, and Hijikata was more than happy to watch.

But Gintoki was having trouble with his third finger, and Hijikata couldn’t wait any longer. “Turn around.”

Gintoki looked stunned but did as he was told. Hijikata shoved two fingers in without any preamble and scissored him, stretching out his tight ass. He bent his fingers just right, and Gintoki moaned loud enough for everyone around to hear. “Ah— Hijikata!”

Said officer pummeled the bundle of nerves with his fingers and the pleasure was so intense that Gintoki didn’t even notice him adding a third finger. And then a fourth.

Hijikata slipped his fingers out, and Gintoki turned around to face him, now with a deeper blush that Hijikata was getting quite attached to.

He was smart enough to not comment on it. Instead he laid down on the table, and Gintoki moved onto him, his knees on both sides of his torso. He aligned himself with Hijikata’s cock and slowly sat down on it.

Hijikata stayed still, giving Gintoki all the time he needed to adjust. Before long, Gintoki was riding his cock, bouncing on it. Hijikata watched Gintoki’s muscles working around him, every ounce of the perm head’s body, his build, his movements, screamed power. Strength. But as Gintoki watched him looking at him, there was an expression on his face that was just so…fragile. Hijikata didn’t know what to call that look but he knew he’d do anything to keep it there. It was an honest expression, one that he’d never seen Gintoki wear before. One that he wanted to keep to himself.

Hijikata placed his hands on Gintoki’s hips and caressed the little divots where the bone was. He stroked his navel gently with his thumbs.

Gintoki shuddered, his body quivered at Hijikata’s tender touch.

With another rock of his body, which ended up more like a grind, Gintoki came. His cock pulsed. A thick stream of cum coated Hijikata’s stomach and chest.

Gintoki collapsed onto the other man, his breath still coming in pants. He buried his face into the crook of Hijikata’s neck.

Hijikata tugged gently at his hair and Gintoki looked up at him, his mind still fuzzy from his orgasmic bliss.

What came after was even better.

Their lips met in a soft kiss, and Gintoki chalked it up to indigestion for the butterflies he felt in his stomach.

It ended way too quickly, and it seemed Hijikata thought the same, because he leaned in for another.

“Now…” Hijikata swept his hair up. “For what you deserve.

Gintoki felt Hijikata slip out of him. Hijikata was still hard. Oh…OH…

Hijikata rolled him over so that he could get out from under him. He reached into Gintoki’s pockets and made a show of looking for the files even though he knew exactly where they were. He pulled them out after skimming his hands over Gintoki’s ass. “You’ve been interfering with official police business.”

Gintoki felt himself tingle at the drawl of his voice. He managed to mumble a response. “I don’t think I consented to being frisked, officer.”

“I have reasonable suspicion,” Hijikata said easily. Gintoki muttered something about him being a corrupt cop and Hijikata just smirked. “Slander? I’m going to have to arrest you for that.”

Gintoki’s breath hitched as he watched the other take out a set of handcuffs. Trust the Vice-Commander to be prepared.

He applied the cuffs with quick hands and Gintoki felt the cold metal digging into his wrists. They’d definitely leave some marks.

Hijikata flipped him around and bent him over so that his face was pressed against the table. He pushed up Gintoki’s yukata so that his ass was exposed. Gintoki was already more than half hard again.

Hijikata wasted no time. He thrust in completely with one swift motion and Gintoki practically mewled. “Yes! Officer, fuck—"

He didn’t let him finish. He pounded into him with complete abandon… He wasn’t going to last long.

Gintoki let out a stream of moans, alternating between cursing or moaning his name or ‘Officer’. It wasn’t long before Gintoki was begging to come, to be filled with Hijikata’s cum.

Hijikata felt his orgasm hit him like a wave and he shook with the intensity of it. He felt Gintoki convulse around his cock and then go still. All he could hear was the sound of their heavy breathing. Hijikata was pleased that Gintoki had come without anyone touching his cock. Twice.

He uncuffed him and immediately hands were in his hair and on his face. Gintoki pulled them into another kiss. It was deep but smooth. Unhurried.

“If this is what happens, maybe I should get arrested more often.” Gintoki gave a flirtatious wink.

Hijikata rolled his eyes. “Not without me.”