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if you love me, come clean

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Katsuki could think of a million things in this moment. The wind harshly whipping through his hair. The sweat being set off into a giant explosion from his palms. The warmth he felt. The beat of his heart as he flew through the air. But most of all… he could see the hand stretched out towards him.


He was tired. Tired of being strong. For once, he wanted to rest, and rest with someone he trusted. But who can you trust when you trust no one at all? He took the outstretched hand. It was like letting go of a thousand weights. The hand clasped around his was so warm he never wanted to let go. But he could feel himself falling. He grasped that hand tightly trying not to let himself fall. But with every breath he could feel his grip weakening. He cried out as he lost the hand plummeting to the ground.


Katsuki bolted up from his sleep, a ruffled mess, although with the state his hair was in you couldn't tell. As usual, his dreams made no sense and his heart was beating out of his chest like crazy. What the fuck…? His breaths slowed as he realized he wasn't falling anymore. He grasped the sheet underneath him, as if a way to bring him back to his senses. The lack of noise weirded him out. As if he'd been transported to another world.


He didn't hear the screams of his classmates from the floors below or even the chatter that usually sounded from students walking the halls. No light came from the window except a small sliver of moonlight. It was eerily calm.  But his eyes trailed down to the boy next to him. He felt his hand clasped around his and looked down at his sleeping face. He could really sleep through anything huh.. He found comfort in his warmth at first, but then remembered how he let go.. If I keep holding his hand will I let go?


Katsuki could never think of why he would let go. He didn't deserve him. He really didn't. Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach, as if he was remembering all of the things he's done in the past.  If Kirishima knew… if Kirishima knew would he still sleep next to him like he is now? Would he still hold his hand and smile at him like he's the sun? Would he still hold him close as he woke from nightmares crying? Would he still tell him he loves him? Katsuki shook his head. As if anyone would get close to someone as shitty as he was.


Silently, Katsuki let go of Kirishima's hand. He slipped out of bed, and threw on whatever he grabbed first. He felt like shit. Turning back to Kirishima, who was still sleeping peacefully on the bed. “Sorry,” was all he said, before leaving the room.


He started walking, walking nowhere in particular, but his feet took him to his safe place. It's not like he could do anything but walk. So he walked. And walked. He walked till it hurt and he didn't know where he was. The mountains. He knew that much at least. But the towering trees made it hard for him to see where he was. His legs groaned in complaint as he sat down to rest, leaning against a tree. He didn't care. He didn't care that his hands were stinging and his head was hurting. He didn't care about his phone buzzing.


Then it was like everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping and his phone stopped ringing. No sound was coming from anywhere. He was finally alone. He pulled his knees to his chest and took in a shaky breath. Okay. But he couldn't stop himself from thinking, thinking about what if he really had let go? What if Kirishima knew? If he knew, would he still hold out his hand for Katsuki to hold? He let out a cry of frustration. He's so weak. He never needed anyone before but why the hell did he care about Kirishima so much?


And why the hell did he feel like crying? He let out a yell and got to his feet. He was tired of feeling shit sorry for himself. Whatever the fuck that means. He could feel his heart growing heavy once more. He didn't need this shit. He didn't need anyone. I'm strong. Stronger than any of these extras. But if he was so strong...why did his hands shake as the tears came? Through tears he hit the ground, ashamed of himself. Why did he have to be so weak, so weak he couldn't even save himself. Kirishima was the only one, the only one whose hand he wanted to hold. And he'd let go. Not just in the dream, but countless times,he'd let Kirishima down. Everytime Kirishima would hold out his hand, and everything would be okay again.


But what happens when it's too much for Kirishima. What happens when Kirishima sees Katsuki for who he really is? He couldn't take it. He punched the ground until his hands cracked and bled. He screamed until his throat hurt. He felt pathetic. Like fucking toddler throwing a tantrum. But it just wasn't fair. He couldn't have one nice thing it seemed. Not without fucking it all up. The night air stung at his open wounds and he felt the cold bite at his arms. It's too cold.


The cold helped though, and he was brought back to his senses. He'd never felt this bad before. He tried to wipe the tears from his face with little success. Blood smeared across his cheek and he gave up. He didn't know where the hell he was, or if he could even get home. At least Kirishima wouldn't see him like this. He checked his phone only to find it was dead, and he hadn't brought a charger. Not like he could even get a signal on this fucking mountain though.


He gave up efforts to find his way home in the dark and fell back, lying against the same tree as before. He felt the blood trickling down his fingers and sighed, this shit would probably hurt later. His ragged breathing had slowed to gentle ones, now that he'd calmed down. He'd decided that definitely, he'd break up with Kirishima when he found his way back. Whenever that was. Kirishima didn't deserve someone who ditched him to go cry in the mountains like a fucking coward. You're weak. Kirishima didn't need someone like him.


It's for the better, he thought briefly. I was too fucking soft for him anyways. How could he be the best if he couldn't even beat himself? Everything is going to go back to the way it was, he thought, the way it was. But then his ears picked up on the distant sound of leaves crunching underfoot. Someone's here… He pulled himself back into the trees and off the path when he heard him. The voice soft and worried.

“Katsuki..?” Kirishima's voice rang out. “You here man..?” His breaths stopped, no Kirishima couldn't see him like this. He didn't want Kirishima to see him like this. The tears were still fresh on his face and he's sure his eyes were red from crying. Not to mention his hands. He stayed still and didn't move, hoping Kirishima would pass him off as an animal and leave. Kirishima stayed.


“Get the fuck away from me Shitty Hair.” Katsuki said finally. Kirishima didn't come any closer but didn't leave either. “Katsuki… I'm here for you man, like always. You know that right?” He tried, but Katsuki cut him off. Better to make him hate me now rather than later he thought. “Who the fuck said you could call me that?” He snaps and Kirishima is visibly wounded. Not that Katsuki saw, since he kept his head down on purpose to avoid his gaze.


“You did.” He says and Katsuki can hear the hurt in his voice. Good. He was just going to end up hurting him anyways. Even though his heart was screaming at him, telling him to stop. He was such a shitty person after all, but deep down inside he knew he didn't want this. He didn't respond to Kirishima and instead buried his head in his arms. He's so fucking stupid it's painful.


Kirishima started to walk away. No.. Not away. He was coming closer. Katsuki lifted his head up and through the tears in his eyes he saw the same outstretched hand. Kirishima's hand. “What's the fucking point,” he started but Kirishima never pulled away,”What's the fucking point if I'm just going to let go?” Kirishima paused, but didn't take his hand away. He didn't really get what he was saying. “Even if you let go, you're still allowed to take my hand.” Kirishima says quietly.


Like that. Kirishima didn't always know exactly what Katsuki was thinking. But he always said exactly what he needed. Gently, Kirishima took his hands, eyes going wide at Katsuki's bloodied knuckles, before reaching further than just his hands. He wrapped his arms around him pulling him close. Kirishima smelled like home. What was home again? Warm lazy days, staying in bed past noon because they didn't want to leave the bed. Kissing each other goodnight. Falling asleep while studying. He loved all those things. He couldn't believe he wanted to throw it all away a moment ago.


He reached his sore and stinging hands and dug them into Kirishima's hoodie. Kirishima had come as fast as he could, judging by the way his hair was still down and messy, and his shorts were stolen from Katsuki's drawer. He let out a relieved sigh. As if he could go without this. Kirishima wouldn't let go of him and so Katsuki had to eventually push him back. He had to say something first. He hated the fact that he even had to say it in the first place,”M sorry,” he mumbled,”for saying that shit to you earlier.”


Kirishima gave him a soft smile, like always, and like always, Katsuki noticed how one of his teeth poked out like a fang. It was kinda cute. “It's okay.. I know you didn't mean it.” Katsuki shook his head. “It's fucked up to say that to you, seriously.” He hated this. But he also felt relieved. As if he was back home, and he had no worries. He had nothing to prove to the boy in front of him. But he  desperately wanted him to know he was trying. He was trying to be better.


“Eiji.. I.. Please don't let me go.” He says and his voice is hoarse. He needs the stability right now. He's shaking so hard he feels like he might fall over if he tried to walk. Kirishima shakes his head and presses a soft kiss to Katsuki's cheek. “I won't.” He didn't let go. Not once. Not even when Katsuki started to cry, not even when he let out screams. Kirishima held him until his ragged breathing had disappeared. “M'okay now.” He says, voice worn out from crying. Kirishima still holds him as he leans back. He looked at him with that loving gaze that he'd always had.


“You feel better now?” Katsuki nodded.”Yeah. A little.” Kirishima sighed in relief,”Good.” He paused for a moment. “It's okay you know?” He said. “Crying doesn't make you weak. Feeling things doesn't make you weak. It's okay.” Katsuki looked at him curiously. The hell does it make you then? “This kinda stuff is super hard to do man! You're so brave for showing me this side of you.” He stared at him. Brave? The fuck was he on? “What?” Kirishima gave him a cheesy look before admitting,”You're one of the bravest people I know.” Katsuki's heart felt like it'd been freed from it's shackles. “Really..?” He nodded before noticing Katsuki's bleeding hands again.


“We should head back home, you need to treat your hands before they get infected.” Kirishima says, and Katsuki pauses. Home.. Home, is wherever Kirishima is. “Yeah…”  Slowly Kirishima started to stand up and took Katsuki's hand in his. The blood was starting to dry, and became irritatingly sticky. Even still Kirishima held his hand, avoiding the places where the open cuts were. Kirishima noticed how hard Katsuki was shaking and finally realized. “Dude it's like freezing out here?” He tugs off his hoodie and hands it to Katsuki.


“The fuck is this for?” He says, and Kirishima gives him a look. “You know what it's for, just put it on.” Katsuki begrudgingly puts on the hoodie giving Kirishima a scowl. But the hoodie is warm, and smells like Kirishima so he can't complain. Eventually his hand hurt so much Kirishima shifted his arm to wrap around Katsuki's waist. He really didn't plan on letting go huh. Kirishima doesn't say anything as he leads him out of the mountains despite having very little moonlight. They exit onto a main road and walk in a comfortable silence back to the dorms.


He's surprised a dorm bot hasn't caught them yet. They make it all the way up the steps and into the common room without anyone noticing them. Other than Todoroki who wakes up for unknown reasons to get a snack. He gives them a quizzical look but says nothing as they walk past towards their dorm. Katsuki's dorm rather. He likes that he's started to think of it as their dorm. Kirishima stays in his dorm sometimes and sometimes Katsuki stays in his. Home.


Kirishima finally talks again and it's when he's sat Katsuki down on the bed. “Where do you keep your first aid stuff..?” He asks searching around. Katsuki shakes his head,”Ran out in first year, forgot to buy more.” He says, and Kirishima shakes his head. “Don't worry I have some in my room.” He says and disappears for a moment. Katsuki can hear moving around on the other side of the wall before Kirishima returns holding a first aid kit. He gently cleans Katsuki's hands wiping away the blood until only the wound is left. It's a light wound.

Just a scrape in comparison to the wounds he's received before. He takes an ointment from the box which sports a small UA sticker with the label Fast Healing Antibiotic Gel. The Support Department invented it to help with small irritating wounds. Katsuki was extremely grateful for it. Kirishima knew he didn't want to go to Recovery Girl for this so he did it himself. Katsuki let him. He can already feel the relief in his hands as Kirishima applies the gel. The cool sensation dulls the pain and he relaxes.


“Tell me if it hurts okay?”  He says as he starts to bandage Katsuki's hands gently padding the cuts with gauze before wrapping it in a simple bandage. Katsuki shakes his head, because as always, Kirishima is gentle with him. He's thankful for that. He's thankful for Kirishima. He just doesn't know how to tell him. Once Katsuki's hands are bandaged, Kirishima sets the box to the side and sits on the bed next to him. “Just..” He stops, trying to find the words.


“You're a good person, Katsuki.” He says. “I know you don't think you are, but you're a good person and I know it.” Katsuki knows. He knows Kirishima thinks the world of him but he doesn't know how to let Kirishima know he thinks the same of him. He can't bring himself to say the words. How can you trust someone when you trust no one at all? Come clean . “Eijirou I-” He cuts himself off. Kirishima waits for him, like always. “I love you.” It's the first time he's said it.


It's clear and rings out, and Kirishima's eyes go wide. “I love you so much I don't know what to do.” Kirishima lets him go on, taking his hands in his. “Even when I fuck up you're here and it's just-” he groans,”fuck.” He's not really angry but he's never done this before. “Fucking hell I don't deserve you.” He says finally. Kirishima shakes his head. “‘tsuki you deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved. If anything I wish I could help you more.” He says softly.


This is what he means. Kirishima is his light, and he makes him feel so safe. His words repeat in his head and he knows he means it. “Please.. You're already helping me far more than you know.” He starts to feel the tiredness creep up on him and his words slur together a little bit. “Mm.. Sleep 'tsuki. It's 3 A.M…” Katsuki shakes his head.”I need to talk to you.” Kirishima waits. “It's just… I wish I could show you.. I wish I could tell you how much..fuck. I don't know.” Kirishima laughs and nudges him. “Don't worry.. I get it.”


Katsuki sighs in relief. “Yeah.. You're probably right I probably fucking do need sleep.” Kirishima gives him a look and he rolls his eyes as he takes off his hoodie, tossing it on the floor leaving him in the same t-shirt he wore in the mountains. Doesn't really matter. He starts to lay down on the bed before pulling Kirishima down with him as they both pull up the covers. “Don't worry,” Kirishima murmurs looking into Katsuki's eyes,”I'm not going anywhere.” Katsuki reaches out a hand to clasp Kirishima's. Kirishima's fingers in between his. Like a key going into a lock. Fitting perfectly.

He lets out a sigh as he leans in to kiss Kirishima on his forehead. “Eijirou..” He starts. He takes a deep breath. “I love you.” Kirishima's smile grows wide and he beams at him as he pulls him closer. “I love you too Katsuki.” He says and his eyes are so bright Katsuki really does think of him as the sun in that moment. Katsuki allows himself to smile too. “Goodnight Eiji.” He wraps his free arm around him, wondering how lucky he was to have Kirishima in his life. “Goodnight 'tsuki.” Kirishima murmurs back, already taken by sleep, a soft smile on his face. Katsuki let's his eyes flutter shut and he falls asleep, in the arms of the boy whose smile is like the sun itself.


Goodnight my love.