Nervous, that was the only way to describe how Changkyun felt standing before the closed door of Monsta’s dorm. Inside he could smell food cooking and he could almost hear the band members fretting about how clean the place was. At least he could hear Minhyuk being loud over something. Well, more accurately barely hear him over the way his heart was pounding in his chest. It felt like the first time he’d realized they were coming his way. He could feel the sweat on his palms and his heart in his throat. Even after they’d been seeing each other for roughly a month he still felt the butterflies in his stomach when he knew he would see them.
But that month had been different, in a far away place. It felt protected. This was back home in Korea, an hour or so from his own place, and just minutes from anyone they knew. More importantly anyone that knew them. Getting caught here would be trouble. They were known here, granted not super well, known is known. One look at his mark with theirs and privacy would be over. There would be no hiding what they were, who he was to all of Monsta, including Jooheon. And if that happened it would blow up to be a scandal, even if it really wasn’t one. That wasn’t how fans would see it at the very least.
Yet, here he was in front of their dorm, heart in their hands and a desire for more just a cheek kiss and a cuddle session burning through his veins. Not that he’d say that out loud, yet. He wasn’t sure how Monsta would take it. He wasn’t sure how they’d handle real kisses with the fighting they’d done over his cheek. But he’d thought about it, more than he wanted to admit to at any given point. He’d thought about it so hard he’d come up with several solutions in how to make sure he was able to kiss all of them quickly, over and over again. And they weren’t just silly ideas either, even if they would look that way in practice.
He could feel his face flush just thinking about how he’d bring himself to tell Monsta any of his ideas when the time came. Of course he’d do it, unless they brought up their own ideas first, as soon as he found the courage. The thought of courage sent a torrent of butterflies flying through his stomach taking him away with them. He could literally feel his heart trying to beat out of his chest as he raised his hand to the door and let it hang there. Pulsing could be felt in his throat as he counted his heartbeats, slowing them as he gathered what courage he could.
A few heartbeats passed before he found the courage to knock. The small sound seemed to echo through the hallway and with it brought a small moment of silence beyond the door. Which was then followed by a flurry of activity he could just make out before the silence took over again. In the brief moment of noise he’d heard Shownu telling Kihyun that he was there and Jooheon telling Minhyuk to settle down. It was Hyungwon, with a peeking Wonho behind him, that opened the door. Both were composed and as handsome as ever. Seeing them only made Changkyun’s pulse speed up again.
“You’re early.” The words were spoken by Wonho, as he peeked further around the taller blonde with a warm smile that melted Changkyun’s worries. All he could do was smile at him as he was ushered inside. Instantly he was surrounded by the other members who greeted him warmly. There were smiles on their faces and a tension between them that could be cut by a knife. He wondered if it was just him feeling it though as he found himself swallowing thickly with how close all of them were. Voices interested and eyes sparkling, they asked about his trip over.
With all of them swarmed up to him it only made his thoughts jumble up and no answer sprang forth at their questions. Instead his thoughts circled his very real desire to kiss them all, and the practical, if not a bit silly, way he had in mind to do it. Looking from one pair of eyes to the next had him swallowing again and the butterflies in his stomach knotting it up. He was here, in their dorm with no obligations to a schedule that he knew of. The realization almost made him light headed with where things could go, where he wanted them to go. Maybe not right now, but at some point in the future. Some point soon.
“Sorry I’m early.” The words finally unlodged themselves from his throat after a too long pause in which most of Monsta had shifted on their feet. Either because he was staring at their lips or because they were nervous for him to see past them and into their dorm. Though they’d already warned him it wasn’t anything too special other than having two floors it wasn’t that big. “I wanted to see you.” He hadn’t realized how much he meant it until he’d said it, the butterflies died down and so did his nervousness as he took the armband off his wrist. It suddenly didn’t feel like coming to their dorm as much as if felt like coming home.
“We wanted to see you too.” Shownu was the one that spoke but it was Jooheon that had moved first, wrapping arms around him as the others moved to do the same. Shownu’s big arms barely reached him by the time the leader moved forward, but they were snug. It hadn’t even been more than a few days since they’d arrived back in Korea, but this was the spot Changkyun realized he never wanted to leave. The country didn’t matter, as long as he was with them doing what he loved, being with who he loved.
When they pulled back the hug had felt all too brief but Changkyun didn’t say anything instead allowing Hyungwon to show him around. While Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Shownu disappeared into the kitchen to set the table, which from the sounds of it they didn’t do often. He didn’t complain instead taking in how clean the place was, well if he discounted the books Wonho was fixing and the pillows Jooheon was organizing. The books looked music related and he noticed the small keyboard they were being placed next to, while the pillows looked well worn and not all for the couch.
The tour of the dorm was short lived with Hyungwon only showing him their computer room, the bathroom, and their shared bedrooms, without opening any of the doors. All the while he leaned against him, his voice slow and comforting in the new environment. As if they were still back in those cheap shared hotel rooms and nothing had changed. It made him wonder if he was the only one who thought it had, if he was the only one that was concerned about high stakes and being caught. It wasn’t like they were dating, well not like normal dating anyway. They had soul marks, they’d been born to be together.
Still, he knew that wouldn’t stop a lot of fans from dropping the band if they were caught. Even if he knew, long before now, that the relationship status of the members wasn’t something that should lose fans. He had fallen for Monsta’s music just as much as he’d fallen for them. Though he would admit, for him, that having a soul mark had helped the process along. Hyungwon’s voice was low, and next to his ear drawing him away from his thoughts as he lead them back to the living room with a quick. “We can explore the bedrooms later.”
The words had Changkyun swallowing at different implications that hadn’t really been there. The butterflies were back in his stomach. The tallest blonde’s arm was around his shoulder as he steered him to the couch, curling up with him as he pointed at different parts of the living space. It wasn’t that big really, the sectioned couch took up most of it with a floor lamp next to it. He could tell though from the size of the window that they didn’t need it during the day at all if they opened their curtains. Next to it though was a small workspace, with the keyboard and books Wonho had been cleaning up.
Across from the couch was a coffee table, worn in by many takeout meals, was his guess from the small scuffs and dents in its surface. Then across from that there was a good sized TV and entertainment center that held a gaming console with a few games next to it. Everything was simple, clean, and fairly average. It only served to remind Changkyun that his own place was rather bare, with only a table, a TV, and its stand that filled up the space that wasn’t taken over by his couch. Despite his love for setting the stage none of it had transferred over for his apartment furnishings, at least not in a grand way.
Enjoying the way Hyungwon leaned against him, obviously contented to be close, Changkyun looked over his head at the dining room. The others were starting to bring dishes out to the large table set in there from the kitchen. Hyungwon was telling him about the food they had made, but he wasn’t really listening as much as making noises of interest. His thoughts caught up in how domestic all of it felt, how different it all felt. On the idea that maybe he could get used to this, the thought scared him just a touch. He’d been alone a long time after all.
“Food’s ready.” Minhyuk sing songed at them as he set a dish down on the table and looked their way. He had a foolishly large smile in place that had Changkyun’s heart doing backflips. The butterflies picked up in his stomach again as Hyungwon helped him up and he found himself approaching a table with five pairs of eyes watching him. Six if he counted the side glances from the tallest blonde beside him. He wondered what he looked like, he wondered what kind of miraculous thing he’d done in a past life to earn this.
No words were spoken for all of a few minutes, in which Changkyun had been able to sample everything. Then Kihyun was asking his opinions and thoughts of the food, while Minhyuk added his side commentary. Shownu smiled good naturedly and pointed out the dishes he’d helped with while Wonho informed him that never under any conditions was Hyungwon to cook. Jooheon’s thigh brushed his under the table and the light conversation remained what it was as they ate. It didn’t feel any different from the other meals they’d shared as they talked about their days.
Yet, Changkyun could feel his emotions welling up inside him. The need to act, to speak, suffocating the feeling of comfort around the table because another feeling was building up. Every time he met eyes with any of them the feeling grew, watching them eat didn’t help him any in his thoughts. Nor did the way that Wonho’s shoulder would brush his or the way Jooheon intentionally unintentionally kept pressing up against his thigh. He only found himself able to hold his tongue on the matter less than forty minutes but more than twenty-five. Time seemed to slip away as the words hung in the air.
“I want to kiss you, I desperately want to kiss all of you.” He hadn’t meant to say it quite as breathlessly as he had, nor with his eyes glued to the sticky rice on his spoon. Changkyun had only been trying to answer the question that Kihyun had asked him about if he makes his own food. But his thoughts had betrayed him. It wasn’t exactly uncommon for him to blurt out what he was thinking or to mess up his English or Korean when put on the spot. This was different though, he’d been thinking it ever since they’d surrounded him at the entryway. And even with the words spoken the need didn’t go away.
He could hear the shifting around the table and feel the stiffness and heat in the air without looking up. Beside him Jooheon’s thigh had stopped moving, now resting against his own, while on the other side Wonho’s hand had found its way to his knee. The breathing in the room had stilted, almost stopped by the time Changkyun put his spoon down. Though he’d had to take a deep breath of his own before he was able to look around the table, scared eyes looked back at him. No, he could see they were more than scared, they were hungry but nervous.
Kihyun’s voice, reasonable and somewhat solid was the one that broke the silence. “We want to kiss you too.” The words were followed by awkward shifting and when Changkyun looked around the table he could see how nervous the members truly were. In a way how long overdue their conversation was. How scared Monsta was, and it reminded him of them before he’d been honest. Before they’d realized he wanted what they wanted. He realized that this was probably the same. “We,” He noticed Kihyun glance around the table before going on. “We don’t want to pressure you.”
“There’s six of us,” Shownu picked up when Kihyun’s words failed. “We don’t want you to think that we’re setting the pace or to make you do…” His voice trailed off and Changkyun could see the blush spreading like wildfire around the table. It was even dusting his own cheeks when the leader cleared his throat again. “We aren’t scared of getting caught, we talked to the company. This isn’t something that was in our control and they understand that. As long as we do our best to keep things under wrap they said they won’t censure us.” Another small pause. “We are scared to push you too far, to ask too much of you before you’re ready.”
Changkyun swallowed thickly on that thought. It was sweet, and a lot to swallow. They were waiting on him, they’d always been waiting on him. And he knew, that wasn’t what he wanted. He wouldn’t let them wait on him anymore. When he stood up all eyes followed him and he wanted them too as he made his way around the table towards their living room. He stood watching them, the food forgotten in front of them as they stared at him. Meeting all of their eyes was easy, but what he wanted to do and say was not. Still, he knew he needed to do it anyway. He wanted to do it anyway.
“I’m ready.” The words brought an eruption of butterflies as the group moved as one towards him. They questioned him but Changkyun didn’t answer instead moving the members bodily around him in a small circle. It was hard to draw his eyes away from their lips. Instead of really answering their continued questions he told them to trust him and close their eyes. His words got him compliance but also raised eyebrows at his requests, he didn’t mind. Even though it didn’t calm his own nerves or the butterflies in his stomach. If anything it intensified them and the pull he felt towards them, the pull he’d always felt.
Once their eyes were closed like he requested Changkyun took a moment to drink in the sight of each member before him. Willing, wanting, and patient but he didn’t want to wait anymore. He started with Kihyun, the easiest for him to reach. His lips were dry and the startled pleased noise he made both started a storm in his stomach as much as calmed it. The brunette didn’t try to keep him there or open his eyes. But Changkyun could see his mark glowing, feel the air tingle around them. Jooheon was next, then Wonho neither of which seemed to be breathing after their lips touched.
There was a faint blue light starting to take over the area between them. Changkun noticed it with a passing thought. His mind and eyes glued to the lips he wanted to touch, even so chastely as he was doing. First kisses like this were best, at least that’s what he told himself as he had to tiptoe he way into kissing Shownu, Hyungwon, and Minhyuk. Turning around the small circle of bodies he’d made around himself so he could move between them quickly. They weren’t exactly the kind of kisses he wanted but the blue light that now glowed between them told him he was doing things right.
When he gave the go ahead for them to open their eyes he wasn’t sure what to expect. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest though and his stomach was being eaten alive by butterflies. All of that faded, a background to the feelings of something exuding from all the members when their eyes finally opened. All of them falling on him, not a single one sparing a glance to the blue glowing on their forearms. Their eyes met as he spun around, suddenly caught up in arms, caught up in bodies pressing tight. Soft lips he’d only briefly met meeting his, over and over in soft presses or caresses against his skin. And just like that the butterflies were gone.
The tight press of bodies against his own had Changkyun’s heartbeat escaping wildly as it jumped with each new touch. Hands he’d been craving fell against his body, but only lightly. A first step into the realm of the love he could feel choking him with its intensity. The room was now in a blue glow that none of them noticed as they took their time kissing, feeling, being together. Changkyun knew it was only the beginning but never before had he felt so whole as he stood between the six of them, pressed against their bodies, turning this way and that to feel each of them.
In the moment he whispered the only words that mattered, ‘I love you’. Only to hear it echoed back in six voices, unique, lovely, and his. He realized then there would never be anything he wanted more as the pull between them solidified, even when they parted and made their way back to the table. Finally remembering there was food. The butterflies were gone, and in their place resided those three little words and knowledge that with this he would get everything he ever wanted. His dream job, the career he’d chased all the way to Korea, and the men he’d never knew he’d love and be loved by in return, Monsta.