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Glee: Texts From Last Night

Chapter Text

(212)

She opened her eyes and instantly groaned. It was pounding.

The light was too bright, the sounds were too loud and her body was too cold.

Wait, was she naked?

What did I drink last night?

She opened her eyes fully when she realized she was naked, but not in a bed. She sat up and heard something popping and then she realized she was sleeping on a sheet of bubble wrap.

When she looked back down, she saw Noah lying face down, naked.

She looked around and surmised they were in a warehouse of some sort, because there were boxes and bubble wrap everywhere.

"Noah," she said softly, shaking his shoulder. "Where the hell are we?"

She spotted their clothes in a pile nearby and stood up to go get them.

She heard an appreciative moan from his spot. "I love your body, baby."

"Noah!"

"What? Can't I appreciate my naked girlfriend?"

She grabbed their clothes, but instead of putting them on, she dropped them next to him and sank down to his level.


An hour later, Santana's phone buzzed with a new message.

She grabbed her phone and opened it to see a text from Rachel.

When she read it she laughed. 'Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever'

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(310)

Wine and cheese parties were not her kinda thing. Nor was it his thing.

But that didn't really matter, because they had to go anyway.

Her parents had been invited, and they made her go, and since she decided she wasn't going to suffer alone, she took him with her.

Nearing the end of the party, they were having their private party in a corner. Either the adults were too drunk to notice, or really didn't care, the teens were not paid attention to.

Who knew you could get so drunk on wine?

They were giggling about the fact that their names rhymed, when a waiter passed them by with a huge block of cheese on it, waiting to be cut into pieces and distributed.

"Hey, psst, dude!"

The waiter turned to them and she haggled with him and they got half of the cheese. Uncut.

Before she could go and steal a knife to cut it into funny pieces, he grabbed the cheese and took a huge bite out of it.

"Holy damn, Quinn you have to try this!"

He practically shoved the cheese in her face.

She took a tentative bite out of it.

Finn fished his cellphone out of his suit pocket and started to send a text message.

He punched in Kurt's number and typed the message: 'Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.'

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Matt couldn't believe the luck he was in!

This girl was some kind of machine!

She had gone to the bathroom to 'clean up', but he knew she was just getting ready for round whatever-the-hell-number they were on now.

He got out of bed and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and pouring himself a glass of water.

He needed some energy, so he grabbed the bag of cereal and went upstairs with it, not wanting to disappoint the girl he was currently with.

Oh shit. He couldn't remember her name!

What the hell was her name?

He frantically looked around for some sort of clue, so she wouldn't get totally pissed off.

When the girl walked back into the room, he didn't beat around the bush. "Hey babe, what's your name again?"

"Anything you want it to be," she murmured and he groaned as she climbed back in bed. "Anything... you... want."


The next morning, Mike woke up with his phone blinking, telling him he had a new text message.

When he opened it up, he sent a silent congrats to his friend.

'I fell off the bed in the middle of sex and she yelled '5 second rule' and kept fucking me. I think I'm in love'

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It was safe to say that Kurt was wasted.

His recent break-up with 'the love of his life' had resulted Kurt in a very depressed mood. The Glee club couldn't handle Kurt in such a mood, so they tried to cheer him up by throwing him a surprise-for-no-reason party.

By ten-thirty, he was blacked out. For some reason or another, most of the rest of the Glee kids were either sober or only slightly tipsy.

Puck and Finn carried him to his room and when they went back upstairs to go back to partying, the former had an idea.

They enlisted the help of a few people and an hour later they had all the items needed.

Santana and Brittany had gone to a pawn-shop, Mercedes and Tina had gone knocking on people's doors and Rachel and Quinn (the only ones who were still completely sober) got in their car to the next town.

It took the boys thee rough hours to take out all of his clothes, books, magazine and catalogs and electronic equipment.

By the time they were done the girl were already back with all the items.

Rachel and Quinn made sure the clothes from the drama club were in the right place, Santana put the borrowed typewriter where his laptop had been and Mercedes, Tina and Brittany randomly put old-looking books around.

At the drama club a town over Quinn had found some material that looked like it came from the Middle Ages and they covered Kurt with it.

The next morning Mike sent Matt a text, who couldn't attend the party because he had to go away for the weekend.

'after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter form goodwill. For 20 min we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time'

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Santana knew she shouldn't have mixed tequila with vodka.

She could drink anything as long as she didn't mix. If she stuck to one type of drink, she'd be only severely tipsy.

She never realized how drunk she'd get mixing drinks.

She started off the evening with a few rounds of tequila shots (a few of them may have been body shots, but she really can't remember) and then moved to drink vodka tonic.

She started humming a song, not knowing what she was humming.

When she realized what she was humming she cried out in happiness.

She could barely walk straight, but somehow she made her way to her bedroom and searched around for her cellphone.

She considered calling Brittany but realized she was at the party and wasted too. She had invited everyone, but who had not attended?

"Artie!"

She happily punched in his number, but then decided against it and sent him a text.

'can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with all the colors of the windddd'

She hiccupped when she hit the send button.

Almost immediately she got a text back.

'Wasted?'

Giggling she replied: 'im pocohantasssss'

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Tina and Mercedes had gone out to shop.

After a long and successful day, they were in the food court of the mall when Mercedes went to get a refill for her coke.

She walked over to the machine and a guy came barreling towards it and accidentally stumbled into her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!"

"Hey no problem," she replied absentmindedly. She noticed him watching her for a while.

"I'm Joey."

"Mercedes." They shook hands.

"Well the name certainly fits you," he flirted.

A few weeks later, Mercedes and Joey were dating.

Tina had to go to the mall to grab something for her father when she saw Mercedes and Joey hanging out.

Not wanting to disturb them, she just waved at Mercedes. The girl made the 'call me' motion with her hand.

That night, before Tina could call Mercedes, she received a text.

'He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it'

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(436)

It was another wild party and awesome night.

A bunch of people were—again—very drunk and Puck decided that it really wasn't all that safe to drive home. So they all decided to walk home.

Quinn was pretty much the only one sober, compared to everybody else.

At one point, they came across a house with a huge front lawn, and the grass was a half part very tall and the other part mowed down. The lawnmower was still on the front lawn.

Finn dared Puck to ride it on the street.

Rachel pointed out that they didn't have the keys, but some way or another they got the lawnmower running and Puck got on it. He rode it down the sidewalk onto the street, with Kurt giggling all the way and snapping pictures.

Puck, in all his drunken state, was driving the thing up and down, zig zag across the street, while they all laughed. At one point Sam ran behind the lawnmower and did car sounds, pretending he was driving a car.


Sarah Puckerman was like a younger, female version of Noah Puckerman. She was just getting home from the movies with friends when her cellphone buzzed with a new text.

Looking at it, she saw that it was from Quinn. She was happy, the two were still close, but wondered why the older girl would text her at two in the morning.

'Uhm, I don't know how to say this, but your brother just got busted for DUI.'

She laughed out loud, but then realized something.

'He doesn't have a car.'

She patiently waited for the next text to come in and when she read it she couldn't contain her laughter.

'On a lawnmower'

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The seven of them all piled out of the car, some stumbling and some giggling.

They walked into the store and just hung around.

Puck and Finn went to find the toys section, playing with cars and such.

Rachel and Mercedes wandered around, but then found themselves in the music department.

Kurt, Tina and Quinn were in the home decoration department.

After being told they couldn't jump on the beds—"What kind of place is this? We should be able to test the beds!"—they walked past the living room section and were in the paint department.

A while later, Puck, Finn, Rachel and Mercedes joined them.

A slightly tipsy Tina suggested the idea that everybody pick the color that best represents them.

Rachel got pink, Quinn got red, Tina got orange and Mercedes got purple. Puck got blue, Finn got yellow and Kurt got the color green.

They all ended up buying half a gallon of their color.


The next morning Kurt woke up with a killer hangover and a vague recollection of the previous night.

The moment he opened his eyes it all came rushing back to him.

His previously grey walls were splattered with different colors. There were drawings, handprints and even footprints all over his wall.

After the initial shock he deduced that it wasn't all that bad, and had a certain flair to it.

He got up and walked over to the mirror and almost died.

His face was covered in paint!

He flipped open his phone and sent a mass text, to the six others who were with him the night before.

'WalMart's paint section shouldn't be open at 3am!'

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Apparently, watching Jeopardy with a bunch of slightly intoxicated people was not a good idea.

Puck kept yelling at Alex Trebek to shut his yap.

Rachel was complaining about the injustice of the short period the contestants got to answer.

Finn was just quiet, trying to process all the information.

Brittany was shouting wrong answers at the TV.

Matt and Mike were betting about how good the contestants would be if they were to dance.

Santana, was filing her nails, occasionally looking up and giving an answer.

Kurt and Mercedes were gushing about how absolutely horrific the returning champion looked in his suit.

Artie kept giving answers.

Tina was laughing when they all thought they guessed something good, but it was actually wrong.

Quinn was giggling at the whole group while trying to keep up with the game.

And Sam was just watching everybody, trying to figure them out.

They had all been practicing a number at Mercedes' house, when Matt stopped by and they took a break. Suddenly someone had found a bottle of liquor and they cracked it open, passing the bottle around for everyone.

For some inane reason they turned on the TV and started watching Jeopardy.

"We should do tequila shots!" Kurt yelled, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Ohhh! Yesss!" Brittany said. 4 shots per person, a commercial and numerous lemon slices later, a lot of them were tanked.

Sam stood up, swaying a little.

"I think I'm gonna go homeeee. I'm drunk and I have a practice paper due toooomorroww. So yeah, I'm just gonna walk," Sam said, dragging out his words.


Two days later Sam got his practice essay back. He groaned when he noticed the 'D' written atop the page.

As soon as the bell went, he felt his phone buzzing.

'that's what you get for writing a paper after tequila shots'

He smiled and texted Quinn back.

'it's only a rough draft'

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(782)

It was an amazing feat that only Brittany could pull off.

High off their win at Regionals, the Glee kids returned home the next day—a Friday—and there was a party waiting for them.

Apparently, the blonde cheerleader thought it would be nice to have a celebratory party.

Possibly everybody from school was there, and there were even a few college guys.

There was alcohol, loud music and a huge crowd of people.

It was only unfortunate that Brittany's next-door neighbors were—in Santana's words—a bunch of old fuckers that don't know shit about partying.

Okay, so it probably wasn't the reason they called the cops—that phone call had possibly to do with two drunk teenagers frolicking in their backyard—but the cops had been called nonetheless.

Brittany was only slightly tipsy, but her usual incoherent thoughts and some alcohol, it was bound to become a lunatic asylum up there in her head.

The police were waiting in her foyer.

Some drunk person who was about to leave had opened the door to the two policemen and led them inside, telling someone to get Brittany before puking in the bushes near the entryway.

A frazzled Brittany met them.

"Hi!" she said brightly. Santana, who had tugged along to make sure Brit didn't get herself arrested or something, rolled her eyes at the blonde.

"Ma'am, we've had a call about a noise disruption."

"Oh." Brittany had a pensive look on her face.

At that moment, Santana chose to step up. "We'll turn down the music, officers."

"We're afraid it won't be that simple," one of the police officers said. "We have it on positive note that alcohol is being served." He turned to Brittany. "Are your parents home?"

"No," Brittany said before Santana got a word in.

"Well, I'm going to have to write you a ticket and shut this party down."

"What does that mean?" Brittany asked and Santana almost face-palmed herself.

"All the underage teenagers' parents will be called to pick them up at the police station."

"Will she be arrested, Officers?" Santana asked, motioning her head at Brittany.

"Not at this time, no."

After a bus was called to take all the teens to the station, and the two officers were leaving, the silent one of the two hung back and talked to Brittany.

When he left, Brittany immediately texted everyone.

'The cop just told me that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed'

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It was a pretty unusual thing.

He was usually the last one to start drinking!

But somehow or another the group had a drunk Artie on their hands.

At first it was hilarious, they ran around with him and he ran himself into a wall and laughed hysterically.

But the more he drank, the crankier he got.

Brittany had a theory that there were two type of drunk people. Happy drunks and angry drunks.

Apparently, Artie fell into the latter group.

They all went to McDonalds, and a bunch of people got Happy Meals. Puck, Finn, Matt and Mike were battling each other with their male superhero toys. Kurt, Mercedes, Brittany, Quinn, Santana, Tina and Rachel were giggling together, talking about boys.

When it was Artie's turn to order, he got a Happy Meal too, and bought a McFlurry.

When he was handed something wrong, he went crazy.


Artie woke up the next morning with his first-ever killer hangover.

He deduced that he was safely tucked in his bed, with his sheets pulled over him. He moved to grab his cellphone and sent a mass text to everybody about what happened the night previous.

He received a lot of texts back, but one just stood out from the others.

'At McDonalds last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP"'

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The sun had risen, the day had broken in.

And yet they were all still sleeping.

It was the day most of the recent graduates would go off to college. A lot of them were going by plane, so at the airport it was going to be a Kleenex-fest. At least, that's what Puck thought it would be.

He had gotten a partial scholarship to NYU (it was still a surprise to him he got in, let alone got a scholarship) so he was headed off to New York. It also didn't hurt that his girl was going to Julliard.

Puck was awoken from his naughty, naughty dream—it was really a very sweet dream, but he wouldn't tell that to anyone. Ever—by the buzzing of his cellphone. He groaned when he rolled over and grabbed the offending thing, sparing a quick glance at the clock on his nightstand.

'when are you leaving home?'

It was from Finn. He had gotten a full football scholarship to Ohio State, so he was just going to drive down the next day.

Puck was still unhappy about being woken up, so he shot off a quick text before going back to sleep.

'it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51'

His peace didn't last long, as his phone vibrated again.

'I had a sex dream about Oprah'

He let out a low growl when he realized he wasn't going to fall asleep. But that didn't mean he couldn't try.

'go back to sleep'

He just wouldn't give up!

'dude. It was a sex dream. about. Oprah.'

Cringing at the image, Puck flung a pillow across the room.

Well, he certainly wasn't going to get anymore sleep today...

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It had been three months since the group had been split up.

They had all gone their separate ways, but still kept in touch via e-mail, text and Oovoo or Skype.

It was only last week that Mercedes, Kurt, Rachel (with Puck in the background), Tina and Quinn had video conference.

Mercedes was in Los Angeles, attending UCLA—her dream college—and doing what she did best, singing.

She was very happy with her school and her roommate even turned out to be cool.

It seems she had a thing for gay best friends, because her new best friend, Jack, was gay. When Kurt had flown over for a weekend he almost couldn't believe it.

Unfortunately for Kurt, Jack already had a boyfriend—even though Kurt said that they wouldn't be together forever.

One night, her roommate was out, and Jack and his boyfriend Patrick came over with a cooler of beer. The night had started out with a game of beer pong and ended with all three drunk.

Mercedes was feeling nostalgic, and decided to text Kurt.

Across the country in Boston, Kurt was out to the movies with a few friends. They had gone to see a rerun of the Rent movie, which was playing for half-price.

Halfway through the movie, he got a little sad. The first time he watched the movie was with Mercedes.

Instantaneously he brightened, and then laughed, receiving a text from the girl in question.

'Jack and whatshisface brought me drunks. I am drinks'

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Brittany was very happy.

After having made a deal with a guy, getting the AV club involved, and setting a time and place, her plan was ready to be set in motion.

Both literally and figuratively.

A lot of people knew—or had heard—about her plan, but most of them disregarded it.

Only a select few (Santana included) knew that the plan was real.

They decided to try and do it as professionally possible, even having cleaned the place where it would be filmed.

When the date finally rolled around, Brittany was ecstatic.

They were set to begin in the afternoon and work through the night.

Santana was there for the first half, but then she got really bored and decided to go home to sleep, leaving Brit with a note to call her when they're done.

It was almost a week later that she heard back from Brittany.

Apparently, there was some adding of music, and editing and stuff, and it had taken a little while longer than planned.

When Santana got the text, however, she smiled and was already on her way, not even bothering to close the text message.

'It's official. I am the proud owner of my very own sex tape! Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide'

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(516)

Living back at home proved harder than Quinn thought it would.

She was happy to be back home, even though her father was back.

Her parents had accepted that she was a teenager, and they let her go out a whole lot more, they were much more relaxed with the rules. Her mother knew that she had learned her lesson.

That Friday night, Sam swung by to pick Quinn up. After an intense interrogation by Quinn's father, a fawning over by Quinn's mother and a quick eye roll by the teen herself, they were on their way to a party.

Halfway through the party, the 'hostess' decided it was okay to have people in the pool and the party became a pool party.

When Sam asked her, Quinn thought it'd be fun. She borrowed a swimsuit from the girl whose house they were partying at, while Sam decided to just go in the pool with his boxers.

Quinn giggled when he pulled down his jeans and his Spongebob Squarepants boxers came into view.

Afterwards, they dried off and both went to put their clothes back on, except Sam couldn't find his jeans. He ended up borrowing a pair of shorts to be able to go home.


The next morning Quinn woke up in her bed, with a killer hangover. For the first time, Quinn was happy that her parents played tennis every Saturday morning.

She walked down the stairs and got some aspirin and washed it down with a glass of water.

When she glanced outside, she saw the mailbox, partially closed, with the red handle upwards indicating that there was mail. Grabbing a pair of sunglasses she went outside, wincing at the amount of light that hit her in the face.

When she opened the mailbox fully, she started laughing.

She went inside and sent off a quick text to Sam.

'Found your pants in the mailbox'

A few minutes later, she received her reply.

'What were my pants doing in the mailbox?'

As she was typing back, she couldn't help but giggle. They were apparently not the drunkest people last night.

'I don't know but there's postage on them'

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(727)

Everyone was upset that Matt was leaving.

The past year they had become some sort of little family, quirks and tempers included, so it came as a complete shock to the whole Glee club when Matt announced he wouldn't be back in the Fall.

His mom, who was a struggling single parent, had gotten a much higher paying job in Chicago.

The last day was all tears.

Matt got a big hug from all the girls, the guys patted him on the back and they talked.

Mr. Schue gave him a hug, too, saying that he was great in Glee club and added another one of his cheesy speeches (which really just had Matt spacing out).

It was Puck who yelled after him to keep in touch.

He did keep in touch. There was Facebook, Twitter and text, so he was sufficiently updated on 'current news'.

His summer was tough, because they moved to Chicago at the beginning of summer, so it wasn't even like he could spend his summer with friends.

After a month of pleading, he finally managed to convince his mom to let him spend Christmas in Lima. He had it all planned out. His friends were awesome, and made a schedule so that he could stay a week with Puck, a week with Mike and a week with Finn.

At first his mother had been reluctant, but when Matt said she had to start getting used to him not always being around—because he was always around—she relented, but said she wouldn't let him drive there.

So the 8th of December, he was on a plane heading to Lima.

His friends knew he was coming, so they had been sharing more texts lately than ever.

When he was leaving the plane, he stood by his gate for a few minutes to turn on his phone and grab his things properly. He saw a man standing, luggage-less, looking around—presumably trying to find his gate.

And though he knew he would see his friends in under an hour, Matt just couldn't help himself and just had to text the guys.

'I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing camouflage to go hunting. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?'

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It was the fall of Tina's sophomore year in college.

She had gone to Ohio State, and was currently interested in photography.

At the beginning of her freshman year, she and Mike were doing okay, until they found out that their great-grandfathers had been brothers. Yeah, something like that could break up the strongest of relationships—and theirs weren't even going that great, because she was in Ohio and he had gotten into a Dance Academy in Maryland.

It's important to say that he emo-goth phase was sufficiently over. She still wore plenty of black, but not as severe. She was considered normal, now.

And, Tina soon noticed, she wasn't that bad looking.

A lot of guys hit on her, and at first she was hesitant, but after a few weeks, she thought, why not?

She needed a good one night stand—okay, so 'one night stands' was more the operative term—and the guys she slept with weren't the brightest in the bunch, either. Tina didn't mind, really. That was why she did it with them, and nobody else.

She decided to go to the library to go look up a book she needed for her History class.

When she entered the library, she ran into one of her one night stands. After an awkward greeting and some small talk, she moved away. Looking for the book, she walked into an aisle, and saw another one night stand. Quickly averting her eyes she moved on. She couldn't find her book so she went to the counter to ask about it, and lo and behold, who was behind the counter? Another one of her one night stands.

She groaned in frustration and fished her cellphone out of her pocket.

Dismissing a disapproving glare from another student, she shot off a quick text to her new best friend, Patty.

'I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.'