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Rational Decisions

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Prelude: Yoongi

 

When I woke up, I found myself laying on the futon in my studio.

I looked around a bit confused.

'When the hell did I fall asleep?'

The last thing I remembered was working at my computer…and laying down here…to take a break?

It was about 11 at night the last time I checked the time, and my lights were still dim in the studio from when I fell asleep.

I checked my watch wondering how long I was out for.

'Well that cant be right.' I thought to myself.

My watch said it was 9:00...

I sat up and looked around for my phone, finding it on the floor and checking the time. It was in fact 9:00 but in the morning.

What the fuck? I slept through the night? Damn.

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and walked over to the computer. It was on sleep mode, and when I turned it on I remembered why I had writers block. It was the song I was supposed to be working on for Suran. She wanted a break up song (of all things), and I had a bunch of old work from when I was feeling “inspired”.

I had pulled them up and started putting some of them together until I came up with something new and changing the pronouns to match a female singers point of view, and not me, a male rapper, who they were originally intended for.

I am drunk on you

I am drunk tonight

In the bad memory that you left

I’m still wandering, searching for you

I will just forget

I want to know your heart boy (originally girl)

Just forget me

Baby please don’t go

As I was putting this together last night it reopened an old wound, and memories of HER started flooding my mind.

Needing a break, I decided to scroll through social media on the futon where at some point, I fell asleep. And now this again.

I was about to start torturing myself again and finish working on this when my phone chimed. I was going to ignore it but a flurry of “dinging” was coming from my phone one after another.

I checked it when it finally stopped.

I don’t text much, so there was only a few conversations in my messaging app. Apart from scattered messages to the few friends and family I had/ cared to talk to, there was the group chat between me and the rest of the members. This one, was one of the reasons my phone had chimed, but there was also a new chat. This one was also for me and the members, but it was formed by a number I didn’t recognize.

All i read was: My name is y/n, I’m the new health specialist.

Annoyed, I muted the notifications, and I chucked my phone over to the futon.

I don't understand why we always have to go through this. Every so often we get a new “health specialist”. It’s always the same thing too. They come in and “talk to us”, they call it a consultation. And despite anything we say, its always the same outcome: diet, lose weight, starve. I gave up on that a long time ago.

I sat back down in front of the computer. I stared at the screen for a moment waiting to see if anything came to me.

“Baby please don’t go”.

I read that line over and over. I sighed. whether in anger, frustration…even sadness, I couldn’t tell anymore.

“Coffee” I thought to myself, “definitely going to need coffee. But first..” I swiveled my chair around to face the shelf off to my right.

This wasn’t the first time I had fallen asleep here. It was so much a habit that I had started to leave toothpaste and a toothbrush here. I grabbed them from off the shelf and walked out of the studio.

Another habit I had was procrastinating. I was well aware that that was exactly what I was doing now as I was brushing my teeth in the company bathroom. “I just need coffee and I can work again” or “let me just eat first and I’ll start” along with other excuses I give myself.

Another habit I had was starting a new project before finishing another.

That’s the sort of state I found myself this morning. With writers block and a lot on my plate. With this sort of excuse I found it easy to lie to myself.

I don't need coffee to finish my work. It wasn’t caffeine that helped write hit songs. It was emotion, pain, and experience that did. And that’s what I was afraid of. In the back of my mind I knew this. I knew I was afraid to revisit old memories and reopen old scars. Even so, after I finished brushing my teeth, I made my way to the lounge for that coffee.