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Rational Decisions

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Jade was pissed.

 

Well, mildly annoyed, at best.

She did chastise me on the walk toward my car, though.

 

"I waited for you for, like, ever!"

"I texted you! Why didn't you answer?"

"I can't believe you forgot about K-Drama night.."

 

And I made feeble excuses..

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize the time.."

"I didn't even hear it; the music must have been loud. I probably wouldn't have been able to leave anyway.."

"I didn't forget. I just got caught up..."

 

But I did forget.

 

She had taken a taxi to work this morning with plans on riding back to Yoona's place with me afterward.

We were going to have a typical girls night in. This was a regular part of our routine. Something we had planned.

We gathered for K-Drama night at least twice a week!

 

So, I wouldn't have forgotten under normal circumstances.

Today, however, had been long and full of odd happenings all day...

 

In the car now and on our way home, Jade had monopolized the conversation.

At first, she did continue to chastise me, but soon she began talking about her day.

 

And I was....sort of listening. I really did try!

But there was SOO much I wanted to talk about...but couldn't.

 

First of all: The Dance!

They were still practicing it in pieces, so I didn't get to see a whole lot. But even from the bits I did see...It was amazing!

 

It  was a sensual song, so of course, It had it's sexy moments.

 

With the hip thrusts, the neck touching...

And there was even a move where they would throw themselves toward the floor, but catch themselves, and lower there bodies gently in a wave.

 

But it was more than that.

It was also elegant with a hint of desperation. 

It was the way they would move. The movements would start slow and smooth and suddenly turn gruff at the end.

With a rough tug at the shirt, or a running of hands through the hair or along their own faces, to the sudden uptick in the rhythm.

 

There was an internal struggle being portrayed.

And I think, even if I didn't know Korean, It would still translate perfectly.

 

I had only been to practice with them twice now. But the first time I couldn't bear to watch them.

I gained a little courage today, though.

 

And speaking of courage and where it came from...I actually TALKED to Min Yoongi today!!

 

I went into that practice room this afternoon feeling.. Lonely? Depressed?...I wasn't exactly sure

 

The whole day up until dance practice I had felt....Just...Down.

The dream from this morning had made me realize how lonely I felt.

The guys being busy and not having time for my non-sensical need for attention, made me think that... They aren't REALLY my friends. 

We just worked together. And that made me feel more lonely. 

 

But then, while actually at dance practice...

 

Having Jin ask me if I felt ok...made me feel like I was going to be ok.

 

I remembered why I felt like I could ask him- and the others, for that matter- for some extra time together in the first place.

The same reason that, while Jimin DID embarrass me, It felt...nice.

 

Jimin had made me part of the madness that is BTS. He was treating me like one of his brothers.

And Jin did the same by including me in the bullying of Min Yoongi.

 

And Speaking of Yoongi...

 

I felt my heart skip just thinking about him. But I welcomed it this time, instead of shying away from the feeling, in order to reflect on the day...

 

When he first sat next to me, after I woke him from his nap, I was nervous.

I was on my phone scrolling through FB. But I wasn't really paying attention to it.

I was hyper focused on him.

 

I was wondering if he was still mad at me.

If I should say something.

If I shouldn't say anything.

If I should apologize...

 

I decided on the last option, figuring it was my only option, if there was any hope on us working smoothly together.

 

Then I spent another few uncomfortable minutes trying to formulate an apology that didn't sound like I was making excuses, but, that also wasn't too honest.

 

Like, I wasn't going to say: 'Hey, sorry I snapped. I've been going through a move, a break up, and job change all at once."

 

It was true...But unprofessional, all the same. I should be able to keep my personal life outside of work.

 

I guess now that I think about it...My apology was a little pathetic. Barely an apology. But it was at least an admission of fault.

And that seemed to be enough. 

 

Enough to surprisingly evoke his own apology.  And his own admissions.

 

When I heard him say that he waited for me...I nearly went into hysterics!

It took everything in me to not freak out, yell, cry, crumble...I don't know! But I really did have to focus on not moving or making any sort of face.

 

Because...well- I can't help it, ok?!

 

In my messed up brain, him saying he waited for me- and that he even knew my schedule, for that matter- to me, meant that he was aware of me! But like, REALLY aware. That I existed in Min Yoongi's world.

 

My messed up brain was imagining him laying in bed last night, thinking of ME and deciding whether or not to wait for me at the front of the building. And then to decide I was worthy enough for the wait!

 

I was fighting the stupid Giddy feeling creeping within me as we kept talking. 

But then, he asked if I had a boyfriend. And whatever, it's a normal question.

 

But I'm a stupid person.

 

That, and the way he spoke to me playfully. The way he thanked me for taking care of them. The way he would flick glances at me. The way he smiled at me when our eyes met. And how he seemed miffed that I was admiring V....

 

I decided to shoot my shot.

I asked if I could hear his music.

 

I don't know exactly why I asked, or where that even came from. 

I was feeling braver than I should have.

More comfortable than I should have.

 

And in the end...I smiled at him, with more subtext then I meant to, when I told Jade I had been distracted.

 

But now, at home, watching Dramas with the girls...

 

The exaggerated nature of it all brought me back to reality.

 

We were on a new series now. But it was all the same stuff...

 

The boss and his secretary were destined to fall in love at the end of this. At the moment, though, they were going through a falling out.

 

Word had gotten out that the secretary had been seen flirting with her Boss. Or rather, the Boss and his secretary were having a moment.

But that didn't matter in this world. Rumors started anyway.

That she was a gold digger, a social climber, a whore...

 

And they realized they couldn't be together.

 

I knew how this would end.

I knew, by K-Dramam law, they would find a way to be together.

 

But, that's just it.

It was fake...

 

In real life, it would have ended there.

She would have been let go of her position. Maybe he would give her good references for her next employer. Or maybe just transferred to a different department where they would never be seen together. Or maybe, they would continue to see each other secretly...essentially, turning her into His whore....

 

Either way though, that would have been it....

 

I sighed in contempt when the episode was over

 

"How come we like guys that we can't have, huh?" I said

"If they even know we exist" Yoona scoffed

"Maybe we just drink too much 'Dumb Bitch Juice'" Jade added 

 

And even I managed to laugh.

.

.

.

As I was cooking tomorrows Lunches and Dinners, I had time to think.

 

Maybe it doesn't have to be like the Dramas...

 

Well of course it doesn't! What I mean is... It doesn't need to be such a complicated matter..

 

I mean, really, nothing happened... We just talked....He was Just being nice

 

That last thought seemed to put everything into perspective.

 

He was just being nice!!

 

That thought echoed in my mind as I thought of the actual things that had been said..

 

I mean, hadn't the other guys said the same thing? 

 

"Why would you cook all the meals yourself, are you crazy?"

"That must be time consuming"

"What do you get up to on your free time?"

 

This, along with the added: What's your favorite music, food, movies, etcetera... 

 

The thing I couldn't get out of my mind, however, was that Yoongi had asked me a question that the others hadn't...

 

He asked if I had a Boyfriend, though. Does that mean anything?...

In true deranged fashion, I asked myself this- and seriously considered it!

But I couldn't make it make sense...

Wouldn't asking about my "spare time" be a round about way of asking if I had a boyfriend- or something.

I've had conversations with other men, haven't I?

They do usually ask what I get up to after work, or school, or whatever. And ask If I spend any of that time with a boyfriend...

Stupid!- Jimin literally hugs you, holds your hand, touches you! And you don't think he has a thing for you! Yoongi can't even say 'Hi' without you freaking out

 

I sighed, feeling dumb.

I thought, again, about how I wanted to talk to someone about all of this.

I thought about how, maybe, if I could just say it out loud and have someone else's perspective I can relax a little.

But I couldn't.

 

I couldn't because...well, this was my job. They were my bosses.

How would I tell Yoona- professional, responsible Yoona- that I took a job knowing I had 'A Thing' for the people I was meant to work for.

 

No, not people...Just one guy...

 

I supposed that was why I was trying to find hidden meanings and intentions in my interaction with Yoongi.

As handsome and as talented and as amazing as the other guys were, for some reason, I was only attracted to Yoongi.

 

And I couldn't tell Jade. Especially not her!

I mean, how often must she come across this sort of thing?

 

Probably every time they hire someone!  I yelled at myself

I'm sure I'm not the first deranged and delusional person that mistakes kindness for affection.

Especially around Jimin!

 

Thinking about it now... She'd probably laugh at me.

Probably tell me I wasn't the first or the last.

That it would be in my best interest to get over it.

 

And there was my other problem...

 

Deep down, I could admit to myself, I didn't want to get over it.

I didn't want to admit I was delusional.

I wanted to live in the world I had made up in my mind...The world where Yoongi knows I exist and is interested in me...

 

I sighed again.

 

'It doesn't have to be a Drama' I reminded myself, 'It doesn't have to be anything. He's just being nice. I can be nice too.'

 

I nodded to myself feeling some resolve.

 

I'll just be normal. We can be...friends.

 

I hope..