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We are the reckless
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there

Daughter - Youth





“We need to save up money, so Ryuichi will stay over at my place as often as he can. My folks don’t care and we have enough room.” Sugizo decides this by the second band meeting, as Ryuichi’s expenses for train rides back and forth from Yamato are seriously cutting into their budget. They need new speakers and cables, none of it is cheap and Sugizo’s been going through strings like a chainsaw lately.

“I mean..I don’t mind,” Ryuichi shrugs. “My only condition is that I gotta sleep on a bed. Because if I don’t get enough sleep, it’s gonna mess up my vocal chords,” he adds and turns to Sugizo with a questioning look that suggests the guitarist better give him his own bed.

But it’s Sugizo’s room and his rules, so he just smirks and nods. Only later does Ryuichi find out they’ll be sharing that bed because neither of them are willing to give it up. 




People look really different in the dark, Sugizo thinks, somehow softer and maybe less scary. It's not like he's scared of Ryuichi, because he isn't, but sometimes there is something intimidating about him and Sugizo feels a nervous clench around his stomach. He can't pinpoint what exactly causes it or why  he is sometimes unable to look him in the eye for too long.

But right now they are both lying on his bed, shrouded in the darkness of his room and the only light is coming from the windows. It illuminates part of the pillow but Ryuichi's face is hidden in the shadow next to it, and Sugizo can make out only certain outlines of his nose or lips; it makes him look somehow endearing.

"Do you think this band will work?" Ryuichi asks in a low, tired voice. It's obvious his throat hurts from their long practice earlier.

"I don't know... I hope so," Sugizo shrugs and whispers back, "I mean, we're all pretty damn talented so..." He chuckles and the vocalist follows in agreement. They fall silent again for a while, but Sugizo can see Ryuichi's eyes staring somewhere behind him, maybe at one of the Bowie posters.

"Even if it doesn't work out and we all end up doing some boring office jobs," Ryuichi says slowly, "I want us to stay friends. You know?" Sugizo can feel the stare suddenly directed at his face and opens his own eyes. "So far, I haven't met bandmates I could connect with so well… and I really don't feel like losing you all one day."

Ryuichi smiles slightly and moves a bit closer on the pillow, which finally makes the light from the window fall over his face and illuminate it fully. Without knowing why, Sugizo's heart skips a beat and then almost jumps out of his chest - Ryuichi's beauty hits him like a sledgehammer and leaves him breathless.

"Yeah..." Sugizo mumbles, barely able to form any words, "I don't think we would end up like that..." He realizes that the urge to kiss Ryuichi is really strong right now as he stares at those pretty lips so close to him. He also realizes it's not the first time such thoughts have occurred.

"I really hope so..." Ryuichi sighs deeply and then closes his eyes; it's obvious just how tired he is. And as Sugizo watches him, the vocalist falls asleep in seconds, and the guitarist tucks it away into his memory as one of the rare wonders he was lucky to witness in his life.

The band is still very new, and Ryuichi most of all since he’s not even from Hadano. But somehow he and Sugizo became friends quickly, and after a week it felt as if they knew each other for years. Then Ryuichi stayed over a few times at the Sugihara’s, and even Sugizo’s parents were instantly charmed by this pretty boy. Sugizo is sure his sister has a secret crush on Ryuichi, but he tries to keep her away from the band altogether.

He continues staring at his friend and unashamedly takes advantage of his unguarded state to do so. Ryuichi's hair is still slightly damp from the shower, and it curls wildly on the pillow; his high cheekbones are peppered with freckles (Sugizo finds it somehow comforting they share this feature), and the line of his nose is so gentle, and lips still so inviting. Sugizo feels like he could stare at him for an eternity.

He has to force himself to close his eyes and resist the temptation. He wonders if this urge will go away or intensify in time?

He supposes it remains to be seen.




They're trying to be as quiet as they can while sneaking out of the house, both carrying their shoes as they make their way down the stairs and out of the door. It's not that late yet but definitely past reasonable hours to be out, and Sugizo's parents already went to sleep, so no need for them to find out.

Ryuichi is carrying the cheap wine bottle as Sugizo closes the door silently and puts on his shoes. It's Friday night in June; it's warm and humid and their vocalist's hair is curling like snakes around his head as Sugizo watches him put on his own shoes.

They walk up to their favorite spot on the hill, where Shinsei Lake is and a pretty spectacular view of Hadano. They usually don’t go inside the park to drink; they just stay in the parking lot so they can watch the city glitter below them. Ryuichi pops the wine open and drinks from the bottle before handing it over to Sugizo.

"Ah, I've been looking forward to this," The vocalist comments and looks at the view with a sigh. The band had a fight earlier tonight – one of many – and it felt pretty discouraging, right before a booked show looming over them in three days.

"It's going to be fine," Sugizo drinks and sinks down into the grass, "we always fight about one thing or another. Besides, Jun cools off quickly and I was in the right anyway," he says as he lights up a cigarette.

"I hope so, it would suck to miss a gig. We need as much exposure as we can to establish ourselves." Ryuichi follows Sugizo's example and sits cross-legged next to him before he takes the bottle back. There is a moment of silence between them as Sugizo smokes and Ryuichi drinks, both of them looking over the city lights below in thought.

Ryuichi taps a rhythm on the bottle and hums a bit of a song that's probably stuck in his head. Sugizo smiles and joins him for a bit because they've been both listening to Dead End's album Shámbara for weeks now.

"Ah, man I wanna go to their live again," Ryuichi whines quietly with a clear tone of despair, "do you think we'll ever be as famous as Dead End?" He turns to Sugizo, hands him the bottle and then sprawls even further back and leans on his elbows.

"Ha! Of course! The stars themselves will envy our fame!" Sugizo laughs and toasts with the bottle and the vocalist joins him while giggling and then lies back on the grass completely.

"I love how much of them you can actually see up here, further away from all the lights," Ryuichi comments as he focuses on the sky above them and stretches his long legs, crossing them at the ankles. Sugizo drinks some more before lying down on his side and supporting his head on one hand, looking at Ryuichi instead of the stars. Their vocalist looks so delicate in the moonlight.

"Just so you know, I'm not giving up on this band so easily," Sugizo says and he can feel the alcohol slowly seeping into his veins and loosening up his tongue.

"Hm?" Ryuichi looks down questioningly and then rolls on his side as well to face Sugizo. "I hope you don't. We wouldn't be able to replace a guitarist and violinist. That’d just be inconvenient." The vocalist grins and steals back the bottle to take a few swigs from it, then closes his eyes as the buzz is probably settling in his head as well. Sugizo's urge to kiss Ryuichi comes back again full force.

"I don't want any changes either. We make it as the five of us or not at all." Sugizo says quietly and takes the bottle, but their fingers brush and he keeps their hands like this for a second longer. Suddenly, the guitarist's heart is in his throat, and he feels much warmer than he did a moment ago.

He realizes that, alcohol or not, he's seriously attracted to Ryuichi. And he really, really wants to kiss him. Especially when the vocalist is smiling at him so prettily, his cheeks dimpling and a few curls falling in his face.

"I like that thought, let's make it a rule." Ryuichi agrees and doesn't let go of the bottle, still looking at Sugizo. And then, he can see the way the younger boy's gaze moves down to Sugizo's lips; it's just for a split second, but it's obvious what thoughts run through the other's mind.

The guitarist smirks, and Ryuichi chuckles and lets go of the bottle. And just like that, the moment is gone, and they continue their drinking as if nothing happened. It doesn't take them long to finish the wine and get a nice buzz going. Sugizo smokes a few more cigarettes, and they talk about this and that just like they always do. It honestly still amazes him that he clicked with someone so easily without having the urge to beat them up first.

Eventually, they run further into the park around the lake, mainly to take care of much needed business after sharing a bottle. It's hard to tell how much time actually passed, but neither of them feel like going home, and since they’re both tipsy just walking around the lake and talking is a better option. The moon is shining brightly over the water, and it's not too dark even under the trees.

Sugizo can't help it and starts teasing Ryuichi about his hair again - how touchy he is about it, and he ends up chasing the vocalist as he's trying to touch his curls. It involves a lot of giggling and laughing until Ryuichi runs up the bridge over the water and stops there breathless.

"Woah, look at this... it's so beautiful," he exclaims, transfixed at the glittering water under the moon and stars. Sugizo catches up to him and leans on the railing as well, catching his breath too.

"Yeah," He mumbles in agreement and then without warning attacks Ryu's hair again, who instantly slaps his hand away but Sugizo catches it quickly in return. The guitarist tries to reach with the other hand but Ryuichi takes hold of that one as well and pushes it away. So in the end it turns into a pushing game, until the bridge underneath their feet wobbles and they lose balance. And as Sugizo manages to push their joined hands behind Ryu's back, he ends up pressing the vocalist to the railing with his own body.

They are so close that Sugizo can basically feel Ryuichi's breath on his own cheek. And all he can suddenly look at are their vocalist's lips, all red and plump as always. He hesitates only for a second - the scariest second of his life so far - and then he leans in and presses their lips together. Sugizo’s heart is going a mile a minute and he can feel Ryuichi's quickened breathing pressing into his own chest. There is a sound after a few seconds from the younger boy, and it's hard to tell if it's a protest or surprise at first, but Sugizo's hands are suddenly pushed away with more strength than he anticipates.

"What.. ahaha.. what are you-" Ryuichi seems a bit shocked but not exactly angry, "we're really drunk, let's go home," the vocalist laughs a bit nervously and stumbles back down the bridge.

Sugizo is so confused; he can't really tell if he's feeling crushed by the rejection or relieved in some way. He went for it, but obviously it wasn't the right thing to do. Now he can probably move on and stop thinking about it.

Probably. Yeah. Sure.




Neither of them say anything about the kiss on their way home. Ryuichi started talking about surfing and how he misses the beach, and then they went to sleep as if nothing ever happened. Sugizo is kind of happy that it doesn't seem to have put anything weird between them, but there is still a small amount of regret and disappointment in the corner of his heart.

The following days take their minds off it completely and there is no time for any gay crisis or inner conflict. They practice like crazy and then perform at their booked event. It's short but intense, just like every performance they have now. It feels way too good though, Sugizo thinks. It feels so damn right.

Ryuichi goes home after the show, and Sugizo suddenly realizes just how empty his room seems.

He plays the violin for hours until his dad comes to tell him to stop butchering Händel and get some dinner.

It's definitely a strange week.




It's getting dark and a storm is on its way as Sugizo is nearing the train station. Ryuichi called earlier to say that he'll get there in the evening, and the guitarist decided to go get him. Their parents are at an orchestra rehearsal, and in this weather, they might stay overnight. His sister instantly went to her friend's house and will probably stay there as well, since it’s Friday. Their own band rehearsals have been canceled for a bit after the show, but with Ryuichi being back, they will most definitely gather tomorrow for some session.

The train is arriving, and as soon as it slows down at the station, the wind picks up and Sugizo pulls up the collar of his leather jacket. People start getting off the train and his eyes instantly search for a curly head, but when he finally sees Ryuichi, his hair is actually mostly straight and falling into his freckled face. Their eyes meet and there is evident surprise in the vocalist’s, but a delighted grin pulls at his lips right after.

"Hey, I didn't think you'd come to get me," Ryuichi says as he approaches Sugizo, "thank you." It's soft and quiet, and it’s interrupted by the sound of thunder. They both look up as the heavy rain erupts all at once. People start running to the nearest shops. Without thinking, Sugizo clasps Ryu's hand and pulls him into a run as well. For some reason, they start laughing and stop only when they get under the nearest roof.

"That was intense!" Sugizo exclaims as he takes off his jacket so he can put it over his head. "Are you okay?" He looks Ryuichi over, who is kind of a mess but still looks amazing. This observation also makes Sugizo's stomach tighten for a second.

"I'm fine; I'm used to getting completely wet from surfing." Ryuichi laughs and pulls his own leather jacket over his head, hoisting the backpack higher on his shoulder too. "Let's go, this isn’t gonna ease up any time soon," he suggests and Sugizo agrees. They both resume their run while giggling childishly the whole way.

When they finally get home, they’re completely soaked through. After rushing inside and taking off their wet shoes, Sugizo quickly ushers Ryuichi to his room and throws him a towel for his hair.

"Take it all off, I'll give you a t-shirt and put everything in the dryer," Sugizo says as he's taking off his own t-shirt and turning to rummage through the closet. He pulls out one of his larger Bowie tees and throws it at Ryuichi, who is already only in boxers. With the sight of his tanned skin, Sugizo's throat goes dry, but he aims at Ryu's head with the balled garment instead of just pervertedly staring.

"I'll be right back," The guitarist announces after pulling on another t-shirt and gathering their clothes. He disappears into the bathroom, but the image of Ryuichi's slender yet toned, athletic body stays with him through all of it.

They end up making instant ramen and hot tea, and Sugizo puts on one of his favorite sci-fi movies – Bladerunner. It's kind of a cozy atmosphere as they curl up under a blanket; the rain still beats heavily on the windows and the only source of light is the tv screen.

"You really like Harrison, huh? You have a lot of his movies," Ryuichi mumbles as the mentioned actor appears on screen and runs over a rooftop.

"Mhm," Sugizo mumbles affirmatively, not taking his eyes off the screen. "I think he's hot. Has a lot of charisma."

"Hmm, maybe..." Ryuichi sounds doubtful but also not really objecting. Sugizo turns to look at his friend and once he fixes his eyes on Ryuichi's profile, he feels unable to look away. He knows the vocalist can feel it but is deliberately keeping his eyes on the screen. Of course there are subtitles, so it's for obvious reasons, but Sugizo suddenly realizes their kiss isn't forgotten. The singer is very much aware of guitarist's attraction, and he's not really pushing him away but also not giving him any signs of reciprocation.

"I know, it's not Morrie," Sugizo chuckles and tries to lighten up the atmosphere while also hinting at Ryuichi's obvious worship for his idol. He wants to know just how deep this admiration runs.

"Pft! No one is Morrie!" Ryuichi snorts as if such thoughts are absolutely outrageous. Sugizo laughs again and turns fully to his side to look at the younger boy because now he's interested in how far he can push.

"That is very true, but what about David? Even you have to admit he's godly!" Sugizo suggests but can't help chuckling because he loves teasing Ryuichi no matter the topic. The vocalist lets out a very exasperated sigh.

"Dammit, Sugizo! I'm trying to watch the fucking movie here!" Ryuichi gestures at the screen, but it's obvious he doesn't even know what is going on anymore. Sugizo tries to hold back the laugh, but he can't anyway and bursts out.

"Admit it, David Bowie is hot as hell, c'mon~! You’d do him~!" The guitarist continues teasing him and even adds a poking finger to Ryuichi's shoulder. That apparently is the last straw.

Before Sugizo even registers what is happening, Ryuichi catches his hand, half-drags him closer and half-rolls over him. The next thing he knows, there are lips kissing his own. Not just pressing but really kissing him, nipping and playing with his lips and teeth grazing lightly against his bottom one. Sugizo is so stunned at first that he's barely able to return it properly. But as soon as his brain processes the situation, he's deepening the kiss and angling Ryuichi's head by caressing his cheek.

Their tongues meet and Sugizo's heart almost explodes with how good it feels. Ryuichi moans quietly into the kiss, and that goes straight to Sugizo's cock. It even surprises him for a second, that this attraction goes beyond a simple desire to make out with his friend, but he tries to ignore it for now. Ryuichi is pretty skilled in kissing, much to the older boy's delight, and he keeps making these small noises that are incredibly hot and yet unexpected.

It's also very obvious Ryuichi isn't doing this just to shut Sugizo up but because he wants it. Maybe he even wanted it ever since the first time they kissed. Sugizo can only hope and can't help but smile a bit into the kiss with satisfaction. Somehow he managed to cause the hottest boy he ever met to make out with him this eagerly.

"Wipe that smug grin off your face," Ryuichi says breathlessly as he parts from him, the curls that formed after the rain falling into his face again.

"Make me then," Sugizo replies with even bigger grin, and the singer sighs with fake annoyance before leaning  down to kiss him again, but then they hear keys jingle in the front door. The sound makes them jump off each other as if they got burned by all the gayness that just transpired between them.

Fortunately, it's just Sugizo's sister.  Apparently the storm outside calmed down a bit and she chanced running the few blocks back home. She's drenched and excuses herself quickly to her room. They should thank the darkness in the living room that she didn't see Ryuichi's flushed cheeks or both of their reddened lips.

After this scare, they turn off the tv and gather their blankets to go up to Sugizo's room. There, Ryuichi plops on the bed – all long legs and big t-shirt. There is something warm and fuzzy in the pit of Sugizo's stomach, right in this moment when he's looking at Ryuichi. Somehow, he feels like he'll remember this sight forever.

"You act as if this bed belongs to you..." Sugizo doesn’t even switch the light on, but the one shining in  from the street provides enough illumination for him to see Ryuichi's smirk pull on his lips.

"Oh, doesn't it? Then come and claim it." The vocalist shrugs with one shoulder and leans back on his hands while slightly spreading his bare thighs. Sugizo's heart skips like ten beats and he can't actually believe this just happened. There are definitely a lot of things he doesn't know yet about Ryuichi, but now he's very determined to find out.

They make out more but neither of them dare to take it past some ass groping and slight frottage. However bold of a game they might be playing together, it's obviously still pretty new for both of them. But they do fall asleep in each other's arms again because it feels good and pretty much natural, since they already spent countless nights spooning in this bed.




The band practices through all of Saturday, and they make progress on the new songs as well. Ryuichi brought in some new lyrics, and Sugizo is seriously impressed by the vocalist's ability to create such powerful poetry. He wants to kiss him again but it's not like they can do that in front of the others... it's their little secret now. In fact, this morning they barely managed to get out of bed because lazing around while making out felt so good.

But even though the practice goes well overall, Sugizo feels extremely distracted during it and even messes up his solo twice, which is unacceptable. He knows the reason and it's their vocalist, who probably senses it because he shoots Sugizo a warning glare.

Everyone is beat after practice, so instead of partying they all call it a night. Ryuichi can't even speak and is ready to fall asleep almost immediately after the rest of the guys leave. Sugizo knows vocalists need a lot of rest, so he only forces him to shower and then sends him to bed before he snuggles up behind him as well. In his sleep, Ryuichi presses closer into the embrace and sighs in content. Sugizo can't help it and just kisses the defined cheekbone before burying his face into the mop of dark curls and falling asleep as well.




Sugizo can feel something wet and warm on his neck and a wave of pleasure courses through him before his sleepy brain realizes that there is a thigh rubbing his cock. The guitarist moans quietly and opens his eyes slightly, only to see Ryuichi look up and give him a lazy grin.

"We were both hard, so I decided to do something about it," the vocalist chuckles, his voice still hoarse from yesterday's rehearsal. Sugizo can't tell if it's his sleep-muddled brain, but right now Ryuichi is the hottest thing he's ever seen.

"Very good decision," Sugizo mumbles and attacks the younger boy's lips with a deep kiss. They start moving against each other and even this feels good but Sugizo wants more. His hands travel down and underneath yet another borrowed t-shirt to the slender waist. He squeezes it a few times and marvels at the sexy way it rolls under his touch, but he lets his hands slide lower to the small ass and buries his fingers into the round cheeks.

Ryuichi moans into their kiss and presses his own erection even harder against Sugizo's thigh. The guitarist pulls him up a bit by the ass and rolls on his back so the vocalist can be fully on top. Ryuichi starts panting slightly into the kiss, and Sugizo realizes that they are about to get each other off. They haven't done this before; it's always been making out and groping but never gone this far. He's about to help his friend reach an orgasm and hear what sounds he makes and see his facial expressions… honestly Sugizo never even dared to dream about it before, but here it is.

"Can… can I touch you?" He parts for a few seconds from their kiss and looks up – Ryuichi's cheeks are flushed, lips slick and pink, his eyes only slightly open and a curly mess on his head. Sugizo really wants to see how he'll look all sweaty and undone.

"Yes,"  Ryuichi breathes out, he's already almost shaking with need. The guitarist doesn't even hesitate and slides his right hand up and over the slender thigh and down again between the younger boy's legs. He palms the heavy erection through the damp underwear and sighs with surprise as he realizes it feels even better than he imagined it would.

Both of them are still and looking at each other through hooded eyes; Sugizo rubs him a few times in his palm and then circles the head with his thumb through the soft fabric. Ryuichi is breathing heavily and trembling but trying to keep still as Sugizo explores his body and then finally dips his hand inside the boxers, encircling the hot erection in his palm. Ryuichi hisses quietly and closes his eyes in pleasure as Sugizo squeezes slightly and maps out the hardness with his fingers. It feels incredible and so, so arousing to touch someone else's cock, and it makes Sugizo almost unbearably hard as well.

"Touch me, touch me too..." he whispers and rubs the head of Ryu's cock with his thumb just to feel the wetness gathered there. This is nothing at all like touching a girl, and he's painfully aware that he's probably enjoying it way too much. Sugizo wonders if having it in his mouth would feel good as well? He'll probably be willing to find out soon...

Ryuichi is not shy at all and almost eagerly slides his hand into Sugizo's underwear to grip him with his slender fingers. Sugizo gasps at the sensation of such a firm hold, the vocalist's palm and fingers fit perfectly, and he starts sliding along the hard length almost instantly which makes Sugizo do the same. They resume kissing but this time it's messy and uncoordinated due to the amount of panting and moaning. They’re obviously trying to be silent because everyone could hear them, even though it's still barely light outside.

Their clothes are getting in the way and both of them are sweaty, but it doesn't matter because the pleasure they are giving each other is overwhelming. And Sugizo is trying to hold on as long as he can, he needs to see Ryuichi come, he has his mind set on it.

"Fuck, you're so hot." It escapes Sugizo's mouth without warning and he realizes it too late, but it seems to rile up the younger, who shudders and parts from their kiss completely just to throw his head back and moan. Sugizo quickens his movements and can see it, the moment the orgasm courses through Ryuichi's whole body, as he stills and spurts all over the guitarist's slender fingers. It's so amazing and feels so good that Sugizo almost forgets to silence him with a kiss before they wake the whole house.

He lets Ryuichi ride it out and swallows all of his moans as they keep kissing sloppily. Sugizo feels such a sense of accomplishment and pride; he never thought it could be so satisfying to make a boy come. But maybe it's because this is Ryuichi, and he's so attracted to him.

The vocalist slumps over him and buries his face in Sugizo's shoulder as he tries to catch his breath. While Sugizo is still hard, he doesn't really mind because he got to witness the miracle that is Ryuchi's sex face and he's still trying to process it. But before he's really able to, there are kisses on his neck and along his jaw as Ryuichi resumes jerking him off. Sugizo didn't expect it so soon, but the vocalist is smiling down at him like sunshine and he decides not to question it.

They continue kissing and Sugizo slides both of his hands inside Ryuichi's boxers to grab his bare ass, just to enjoy the feel of it. Ryuichi moans quietly and starts doing dirty things with his tongue while his hand picks up the rhythm.

"Come for me, come, Sugizo. I want it all over my hand." The vocalist mumbles into their kiss and licks Sugizo's upper lip. He shouldn't be surprised at all that Ryuichi is so shameless, but it punches the air out of his lungs and his body betrays him; he starts coming as if he's following an order. Sugizo doesn't know if he's making any sounds at all, but his mind blanks out for a few seconds and then all he can feel is intense pleasure and bliss.

Sugizo is so happy he could cry, but he doesn't even understand the reason. Is it because he just had almost-sex with a boy, or because it's Ryuichi, or simply because it never felt so good before? He honestly doesn't know and won't even try to find out. All he wants right now is to curl around this wonderful human being in his arms and never get out of bed.





Chapter Text



Time stopped for us
We understood each other
We questioned everything
As we faced tomorrow





When they play in clubs, one of the best parts is the after-parties. It’s mainly because they get to hang out with other bands, but also, it’s really easy to pick up girls or get free booze. It’s not like they’re doing it all for this, unlike some others, but they enjoy this part a lot.

J doesn’t go easy on the beer, and Shinya is already chatting up two girls at the bar. Usually Sugizo would be drunk by now, but tonight, he’s still basking in the high of the live. He’s definitely heading for the bar, though, and considering helping Shinya with one of the girls. Getting laid tonight wouldn’t hurt at all.

Sugizo leans on the bar and orders a drink; they’re all still underage, but no one really cares in this shithole. He turns his head, just to see the progress of the girls situation, but something else catches his eye and makes the blood in his veins freeze. Ryuichi is leaning on one of the columns further away in the darker corner of the club, and a guy from one of the other bands is hovering over him. The guy says something and they both laugh. Ryuichi gives him the same bright smile that sure as hell was aimed at Sugizo only this morning after they got each other off again. It’s become a regular thing now for them to make out and touch each other before sleep, or even when they wake up if the mood is right.

Sugizo knows they’re not dating or anything close to it. They’re just friends who like giving each other pleasure. It’s beneficial to both sides and there is no attachment. Sugizo is also aware Ryuichi goes through girls like socks; it seems like he has a new girlfriend every month, and it hasn’t bothered Sugizo to think about it before. But now? It’s gutting him with rage when it’s happening right in front of his eyes and with a guy nonetheless.

The drink is placed in front of Sugizo and he downs half of it before he turns around to see the guy touching Ryuichi’s hair. Okay, that will get the moron knocked down on the floor, right? But to Sugizo’s surprise, the vocalist only grins and catches  that hand to subtly remove it from his hair; then he turns his head slightly and catches Sugizo’s eye. They stare for a few seconds before the guitarist looks away and marches right toward Shinya and the girls.

Sugizo doesn’t even hear most of the stuff the girl is telling him, but he keeps nodding and orders another drink. He chances a few more looks in Ryu’s direction, and it seems the two boys are whispering into each other’s ears now as the music has gotten louder. Sugizo finishes his current drink and orders another before he takes the girl to the dance floor. He tries to focus on her; she has nice tits, and he really wants to forget about Ryuichi and the guy. But all Sugizo manages to determine is that she is too small, her eyes are too big and her lips are not shaped the right way... because he realizes he prefers them exactly the way Ryuichi’s are.

Sugizo returns to the bar to finish his drink, only to see their vocalist there and accepting a drink from some other guy. What is this? Are men just flocking around Ryuichi tonight? And oh, here it goes - a girl walks up to him as well and leans in to tell him something. He gives her that lazy, cool smile combined with the smoldering stare that gets him laid every time. Sugizo might lose it soon; he feels incredibly stupid for being so jealous, but he also can’t help it.

The girl from earlier gets back from wherever she went, and Sugizo is so angry he can barely contain it. Before he knows what he’s doing, he pulls her close by the waist and kisses her right there. It’s too soft and too meek, she doesn’t taste right, and all of it just feels wrong. But he keeps kissing her in hopes that it will ease his rage. It doesn’t.

And when he glances behind her after they part, he sees Ryuichi’s back as he walks away and out of the club. Sugizo doesn’t even look back before he’s following him. He almost slams the door open but the bouncer tells him to cool it.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Sugizo yells at Ryuichi who turns around, only to walk backwards a few steps and then resume in his original direction without any response. This makes the guitarist see red and he runs up to Ryuichi to grab him by the shoulder. But his hand gets slapped away, and the next thing he knows, he’s being dragged around the corner and has his back slammed to the wall.

“What do you want from me?” Ryuichi growls into Sugizo’s face, and it feels more like a slap. “Go back to that slut at the bar!”

“Me? I thought you were aiming for a threesome back there, am I right?” He shoots right back and feels even stupider, but the anger contorting their vocalist’s face is too satisfying.

“What the actual fuck? I can get into a fucking gangbang if I want! It’s none of your fucking business, Sugizo!” Ryuichi spits out the name like an insult, but all Sugizo can see is the pink flush on those freckled cheeks and the way it’s spreading down his neck. He sucked on that birthmark last night and really wants to do it now too.

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Sugizo growls and grabs Ryuichi by the lapel of his oversized jacket to drag him close. He doesn’t wait for anything and starts kissing him roughly. There are no protests whatsoever; instead, Ryuichi slams Sugizo even harder into the wall and returns the kiss with a similar amount of hunger.

“Don’t ever kiss anyone in front of me. Do you understand? Just don’t,” Ryuichi growls in between nips and kisses as he grips Sugizo’s jaw roughly. They look into each other’s eyes for a few seconds and it dawns on Sugizo that they might be starting something that can destroy them both. But these thoughts are quickly burned out by Ryuichi’s exquisite beauty, the fire in his eyes, the bruised lips exhaling quickened breaths. And Sugizo wants this, all of this, way too much to be scared of the possibility that they might eventually crash and burn.

“Don’t pick up guys in front of me.” Instead of an answer, Sugizo sets his own condition.

“Deal.” Ryuichi doesn’t even hesitate to answer and it makes something in Sugizo’s chest swell with pride. Obviously, the singer doesn’t care that much for random guys. It plants a small seed of hope in Sugizo’s heart, but for what exactly he’s not sure yet.

This is not love.

He repeats it over and over in his head as they resume kissing roughly in the back alley of the club.




The sun is setting over the horizon, and Sugizo watches Ryuichi’s distant figure hop on a surfboard and ride the waves with evident skill. There is something powerful in the way the younger boy conquers the sea with such fearlessness. Sugizo has known him for only a few months, but he already admires Ryuichi for multiple reasons. There is a connection between them that Sugizo doesn’t feel with anyone else.

The band decided to celebrate Sugizo’s birthday at Ryuichi’s house because it was closer after their show in Machida. Also, the house is empty for the weekend since the rest of the family went to visit relatives in Tokyo. All of them agreed to go to the beach and party there, drinking some cheap alcohol and having a small barbeque.

The show itself was a nice gift to Sugizo, since it went pretty well, and all of them are happy with the progress of the band so far. But this is nice too, spending time with the guys and just relaxing for once. The sun is almost down and Sugizo watches Ryuichi swim to the shore and then walk in their direction, water dripping in rivulets from him as if he’s some sea creature. Maybe he is, Sugizo muses; after all, only sirens can sing so beautifully and bewitch humans with their eyes alone.

“Yo, is the food done? I’m hungry!” Ryuichi stabs the board into the sand and untangles it from his foot before joining them around the small grill. The guys laugh and Shinya tells him off for not helping with the food but wanting to eat anyway. The merry banter is nice and Sugizo thinks that this is starting to feel like a family. He hopes they stay that way forever.

After the sun sets completely, the summer sky is full of stars and the moon is bright in the clear night. The sound of the waves close to them is calming and mixes well with the tinny music coming from the radio Shinya brought with him. Inoran and J have a heated discussion about some western bands, and the party is going well with most of the alcohol being depleted.

Sugizo is pleasantly tipsy and happy with the warm body of their vocalist pressed casually to his side. Ryuichi’s hair curled into cute waves and rings thanks to the salty water, and it’s tickling Sugizo’s shoulder where the younger boy is leaning his head on it. The guitarist is drunk enough to feel like making out with him right now, but he’s well aware it wouldn’t fly in front of the guys. But it’s his birthday and he wants this as a present most of all.

“Let’s take a walk, hm?” He leans down and whispers into the fluffy mop of hair. Ryuichi hums lazily and smiles with his eyes closed.

“Gotta pee, be right back.” The vocalist announces in his usual slur but gets up too quickly and loses balance. Sugizo quickly catches him and laughs.

“I’m gonna go with him, don’t want him to drown or something.” Shinya calls after them that they’re a bunch of girls but Sugizo flips him off. This was a pretty smooth escape, in Sugizo’s opinion.

As soon as they are out of sight, Sugizo catches Ryuichi’s hand in his own and entwines their fingers. It might be the alcohol, but his heart flutters when he looks at the boy next to him, warm sea breeze ruffling his hair and the moon giving his features slight softness.

“What?” Ryu chuckles, “Was there any particular reason for you to drag me away?” He asks, but it’s obvious from his mischievous gaze that he knows very well why Sugizo wanted to be alone with him.

“It’s a beautiful night, stars above our heads, sea playing its song… and I want a birthday kiss.” Sugizo grins and drags Ryuichi closer, their chests centimeters from each other.

“Oh god, you sap!” The vocalist giggles but is obviously very willing to give Sugizo what he wants because he’s already pressing his body to his and attacking his lips. There is alcohol and salt on their lips but it feels great, and Sugizo instantly grabs Ryuichi’s ass through the thin swimming shorts. The younger boy is leading the kiss and the guitarist lets him, quietly moaning into those lips and thinking how wonderful this birthday is overall.

“I think I can give you something even better…” Ryuichi pulls away and grins, lips slick and bruised and his chin lifted boldly. Before Sugizo is able to respond, those lips are already sucking on his collarbone and quickly continuing down his chest. He watches in wonder, lips parted and barely breathing, as Ryuichi sinks to his knees and looks up.

“Yes, yes, yes, oh fuck yes!” Sugizo doesn’t even care how eager he sounds because he’s dreamed of this moment way too long. And when Ryuichi’s nimble fingers undo his shorts, he almost doesn’t notice the slight shake of nervousness in those motions. He realizes this is the first time for both of them, and somehow it makes the moment even more intimate.

Sugizo buries one hand into Ryu’s curls and strokes his temple gently as the boy pulls down the fabric and frees his half-hard cock to give it a few strokes. The guitarist moans as an encouragement and sure enough, soon there are lips kissing the tip of his dick followed by a tongue circling it. Sugizo throws back his head, and this time his moan is filled with bliss. As he looks back down and watches Ryuichi slowly take in more, he can see the younger boy is visibly starting to enjoy himself as well, and it’s the hottest sight.

Both of them know how it’s done, they’re no virgins, so Ryuichi soon sets up a rhythm and Sugizo tries to hold his balance. He almost laughs at one point because he thinks who is the sap now, huh? This is probably the most romantic blowjob he’s ever received.

As it turns out, Ryu’s tongue is quite talented even in this area, and Sugizo can feel himself nearing the end way too soon. He tugs at the vocalist’s hair to give him a warning, which makes Ryuichi pull away and continue stroking him. The orgasm hits Sugizo hard and almost knocks him off his feet. He’s not sure if the stars he’s seeing are the ones above him or if he reached some level of nirvana.

Luckily enough, when they finally come back to the rest of the band, everyone is already too busy packing up the party to notice their flushed faces and reddened lips. Inoran and Shinya have decided it’s time to go if they want to make it to the last train. The short ride to Ryuichi’s house is filled with laughter, and Sugizo doesn’t even think about it when he sits next to their vocalist and puts his arm around his shoulders. He’s too happy right now and ignores the small voice at the back of his head telling him they might be getting too obvious already.

Later that night, when everyone found their place to sleep and no one even questioned Sugizo sleeping in Ryuichi’s room, they take their time to undress each other and crawl into bed together. Sugizo is still filled with affection for the younger boy; his heart feels so full and he just wants to smother him with kisses. The guitarist refuses to think about it, to give name to that feeling in his chest, and instead he delves fully into giving the vocalist all the pleasure he himself received earlier.

Sugizo ends up sucking Ryuichi off as well and making him literally scream in pleasure. It felt strange at first but he didn't dislike it, especially if it made Ryuichi come so hard.

Ryuichi falls asleep almost instantly afterwards, slender legs tangled with Sugizo’s and head nestled on his shoulder. The guitarist watches him for a while, and only then does he allow  some of those thoughts from earlier to bother him. He wonders if this is wrong for them to do these things, to be like this together, and most of all if it’s wrong to feel the way Sugizo does about Ryuichi. He won't say the L word even in his mind anymore, he's way too afraid of it, and besides this might be just a fling. Just two curious, horny boys in a mutually beneficial agreement.

Except that his heart beats way too fast just at the thought of holding this boy in his arms, and his chest feels tight when he looks down at the peaceful expression on Ryu's face. Sugizo leans down and lightly kisses his forehead.

Maybe he should stop overthinking it so much and just enjoy every moment.




The sun coming from the window tickles Sugizo’s eyelids, and it slowly wakes him up. Before he even opens his eyes, he reaches next to him for the warm body he’s already so used to having there, but the bed is empty. That makes him finally blink against the light and look around. He expects to be alone in the room, but instead, Ryuichi is sitting at his desk opposite the bed and scribbling something into a notebook.

Sugizo watches him silently for a moment. The younger boy is wearing a long t-shirt reaching the top of his thighs, so it’s hard to say if there is anything underneath. One leg is bent and the other dangles from the chair,  brushing patterns on the carpet with his toe. He’s probably not even aware that he’s doing it. Ryuichi’s messy curls are even wilder than last night, and Sugizo secretly loves it but won’t ever admit it to him.

The singer is humming quietly, as if trying to fit the words into a phrase, and then he scribbles something with the pencil. Ryu is obviously inspired, and Sugizo just watches him a bit more, fascinated by the sight.

“Is it a new one?” The guitarist asks and smiles at the way the other boy nearly jumps in surprise.

“Oh, fuck, you scared me!” Ryuichi holds a hand to his chest and laughs nervously.

“Sorry,” Sugizo laughs back and scrambles out of bed to lean over his shoulder and hug him from behind. He wants a peek, but Ryuichi quickly closes the notebook and presses his palm over it.

“Not yet, I’m just writing down some words,” Ryuichi tries to swat him away on the head but Sugizo ducks, turns to Ryuichi’s neck, and starts planting wet kisses on it. The singer tries to protest, but with a few more he’s leaning back and small moan escapes his lips. Yes, Sugizo already noticed this area to be quite sensitive.

There are still some protests, but they’re very meek as Sugizo’s hand slips underneath the loose collar of Ryuichi’s t-shirt and runs over one hard nipple. Ryuichi gasps and leans even further back, but the chair squeaks under their combined weight and both of them burst into a breathless laughter. Sugizo isn’t a teenager as of yesterday, but he’s still horny as one, so even this little interruption won’t stop him from moving forward.

He grabs Ryu by the hips and with a quiet “Get up,” he urges him to stand up and turn around so they can face each other and then presses him to the edge of the table. As they start kissing, Sugizo confirms that the younger boy is indeed naked underneath that large t-shirt as he grabs the forming erection there and starts stroking it. Ryuichi’s hands are hot and demanding on Sugizo’s body as they pull down the boxer shorts enough to free his cock too.

They moan into the kiss as they stroke each other for a while, but it’s clearly not enough for the singer. Ryuichi opens his thighs and pulls Sugizo flush by the waist, sitting back on the surface of the table and encircling the guitarist’s legs with his own long ones. Ryuichi pulls away from the kiss, their lips only a breath away, and looks up through hooded eyes. Sugizo watches, transfixed by how the light from the window hits one of the brown irises and turns it to amber. He’s so distracted that it almost knocks the breath out of him when he feels their cocks brush and Ryuchi’s palm encircle them both.

Sugizo curses under his breath and chases the wet lips of the younger boy, resuming the slick dance of their tongues. They set up a perfectly synched rhythm of their hands pumping their cocks together. With his free hand, Sugizo slides from the singer’s waist downwards and buries his fingers in the underside of his thigh. All of this feels too amazing to be real, but they just quicken the pace. The kiss turns rough as well, and it’s more teeth and biting than anything else.

Sugizo wants to fuck him. He wants to fuck him really badly.

Only imagining it, what it would be like to bend Ryuichi over that table and ruin him, sets him on the quick path to orgasm. He’s the first to coat both of their cocks and Ryu’s t-shirt with come. It’s such a hot image that he can’t tear his eyes off it but doesn’t stop with their motions either.

“Come on, baby. Come for me, all over my dick,” Sugizo urges him, panting the words into his lips before leaning down to Ryuichi’s neck to plant a few kisses there. It has the desired effect because the younger boy starts letting out quiet, helpless whines which means he’s really close.

“I want to fuck you. I really want to fuck you,” Sugizo whispers next to his ear, and it’s as if he said some magic words because suddenly the singer shudders all over, clenches his legs around the guitarist and starts coming with his head thrown back. Sugizo is sure all the wonders in the world can’t compare to this.




When they come down, there is already some commotion in the kitchen. But as soon as they enter, all the conversation stops even though the guys keep moving around, making coffee and breakfast. The atmosphere is awkward to say the least, and Sugizo turns to share a worried look with Ryuichi, who frowns a little.

“What’s up, guys?” Sugizo asks, trying to sound cheerful.

“Oh, something was definitely up this morning and last night,” J mumbles, and Shinya snorts into his mug.

“What do you mean?” Ryuichi asks in a cold tone, and Inoran turns around from the counter, obviously having had enough of tiptoeing around this.

“That you’re fucking. Don’t even try denying it, we all heard you come at least twice, bro.” He shows two fingers for good measure and then folds his arms over his chest. There is a second of silence before J and Shinya burst out laughing, and the corners of Inoran’s mouth start twitching with laughter too.

“You really thought we couldn’t hear you? This is so good!” Shinya is almost crying and Sugizo honestly doesn’t even know how to react, but somehow it’s a bit of a relief that the secret is out. It’s true that they kind of forgot to be quiet because they got too caught up in the moment.

“Guys, guys! We’re just having fun, come on!” Sugizo tries to calm them down and looks at Ryuichi again, whose expression is somewhat strained with a tight smile on his lips.

Congrats,” J mouths at Sugizo and claps him on the shoulder in that manly way guys do when one of them gets the hot chick. At this point, even Sugizo can’t hold back a smile and gives him a thumbs up.

“Oh, Ryu-chan, ease up! It’s fine.” Shinya comes up to Ryu and takes him around the shoulders to jostle him a bit and make him smile. It’s mostly a success, and the singer lets out a long sigh. Sugizo realizes the younger boy wasn’t exactly out with his preferences to the rest of the band like Sugizo was, and he feels a bit bad that it had to be revealed like this. But secrets in a band aren’t healthy, and this is probably for the best.

“So how long did it take for Sugihara to put the moves on you after you started sleeping his bed?” Inoran chimes in and Ryuichi, who’s still very strangely silent, gasps in shock.

“None of your fucking business, Inoue!” Ryuichi yells over the laughter, obviously scandalized by this nosy question.

“I say two weeks, tops!” J exclaims and raises his hand, and Shinya has a laughing fit again.

“One week, I bet one week! I know him, he tries it on everyone.” Shinya is almost in tears.

“That’s not true, man, it was just on you once and you keep bringing it up, Jesus. This is not fair!” Sugizo tries to defend himself but has to laugh too because he’s just so glad they are not taking it too seriously. There is a glare coming from Ryuichi; he can feel it burning a hole into his face, but he won’t look back.

“I say three weeks, because I think Ryu-chan isn’t that easy.” Inoran raises his own bet and there is more noise from the others.

“You’re all horrible, I hate you!” Ryuichi yells half-seriously, hides his face in his hands for a second and then goes to get some water. While he’s turned away, Sugizo looks at J and shows him two fingers while holding  back a smile. There is a burst of laughter again, and money starts piling up on the counter for J, who is way too happy about this.

“Sugihara!!” An exasperated yell comes from the sink, and Sugizo tries to run away but a smaller body attacks his back, and suddenly there is arm around his neck and a punch to his shoulder. He yells in pain but can’t stop laughing at the same time and tries to turn around in the hold. He manages to do so and finally hugs the vocalist to him; he sees the smile playing on those still-slightly-bruised lips and another wave of relief washes over him that they’re probably okay. There are catcalls and jokes as they hug but it’s fine, he doesn’t mind at all for the moment.

Suddenly, the phone rings in the hallway. Ryuichi extracts himself from the hug and runs to answer it with a slightly confused expression.

They continue the banter in the kitchen, and it’s only when they hear a loud bang and yelling from the hall that they pause and look at each other.

“I told you to not fucking call me ever again! Don’t you dare fucking show up here, you bastard!” There is so much anger and hurt in Ryuichi’s voice it breaks Sugizo’s heart to pieces.

“NO! I don’t care! I don’t want to see you!” They hear the sound of the phone being roughly hung up and then another loud bang, followed by a few others. Sugizo doesn’t hesitate, and he runs into the hallway to see what’s happening. There are angry tears running down Ryuichi’s flushed cheeks, and he’s repeatedly punching the wood panelling on the wall.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Sugizo instantly catches his fist, and the vocalist puts up a bit of a fight, as if he doesn’t even see anything around him. He’s obviously just angry at everything and everyone right now. But Sugizo isn’t intimidated by it because he can see how hurt the boy is.

“Who was that?” He asks quietly and tries to hug Ryuichi, but he still fights him, so Sugizo at least holds his fists captive to his own chest.

“He’s not my dad!” Ryuichi growls, seemingly to himself, but it’s instantly clear who the person on the phone was. “He’s nothing! Do you hear me? Nothing!” He’s trying to free his hands, but Sugizo doesn’t let go and holds him tightly. There is blood on Ryuichi’s knuckles, and Sugizo doesn’t want to see him damage himself even further.

Sugizo doesn’t know their family history too closely, but he knows Ryuichi and his mom moved to Yamato, Mr. Kawamura adopted him, and Ryu changed his last name. He knows his sister is only a half-sister, but he loves her above everything. Ryuichi never mentioned anything about his biological dad, and it often appeared as if he didn’t even exist. But apparently he does, and there is obviously a reason Ryu never talks about him.

“I hear you and you’re right, he’s not your dad. Your dad lives here and you chose him to be yours. Nothing can change that.” He squeezes Ryuichi’s hands and watches him breathe through it and gradually calm down. Sugizo doesn’t know what the rest of them are doing, but he can see Inoran approaching from the corner of his eye.

“Hey, man, are you okay?” Ino asks, and Ryuichi is silent for a moment but then nods a few times and lets out a heavy sigh. Sugizo slowly lets go of his hands, hugs him around the shoulders instead, and rubs his arm. They head back to the kitchen, and Sugizo leads him straight to the sink to wash his knuckles in cold water. This time, Ryuichi lets Sugizo take care of him and dry the wounds with paper towels. This morning is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions, Sugizo thinks.

“Hey, does anyone want to practice? I’m in the mood to play some loud music,” Inoran announces, and there is a positive grumble from the rest of them. In this moment especially, Sugizo loves their rhythm guitarist like a brother he never had. He gives him a grateful look, and they all go pack up to leave back to Sugizo’s house. He watches Ryuichi’s retreating form and thinks about how much he has still to learn about this boy and his complicated inner world.




"Tezya, how do I fuck a boy?" Sugizo asks, his eyes not leaving the video game.

His friend drops the controller. "What?!"

"Yeah." Sugizo catches the opportunity to take the lead in the game.

"Ok, I mean... who?!" His friend doesn’t even notice.

"Doesn’t matter. Just, how do I do it?" He tries to be laid-back about it.

"Is it finally Shinya?" Tezya asks with unmasked curiosity.

“Eww bro, no, what even!" Sugizo finally looks at his friend and makes a disgusted face.

“Hey, I don’t know! You did try to pick him up in high school!" Tezya raises his hands defensively.

“Can you all just fucking drop it already?!” Sugizo whines. “It’s getting old.”

“No,” Tezya snorts, “but for real, who is it?” Game completely forgotten, his friend is now focused only on him.

“Ahh! Forget it, I’m gonna search for some porn or something...” Sugizo grumbles and tries to continue the game, but his friend takes the controller from him. There is a brief fight, which Tezya wins by throwing the device underneath the couch.

“Now, spill, and I will tell you all you need to know. Come on, you know I can keep a secret.” Tezya is all serious but at the same time still visibly excited to help his friend in need.

“Fuck, fine!” Sugizo gives up and throws his hands up in defeat before leaning back on the couch. “It’s Ryuichi. And the band already knows about us fooling around, so it’s not that much of a secret.” He shrugs as if it’s not a big deal.

“Wow,” Tezya whistles, “nice catch!” His friend nods in approval but then frowns in confusion. “But isn’t he into girls… like a lot?”

Sugizo shrugs and a smug smirk appears on his lips. “He likes my dick well enough, so I guess he swings both ways. You know well that I’m the same and honestly, it’s the best way to be.”

“True,” Tezya agrees. “Alright, well, my number one advice is: get lube. Get a lot of it because you will need it. And condoms, it’s more comfortable with them.”

“Of course I have condoms, who do you think I am!” Sugizo is mildly offended but listens carefully to the rest of what his friend is telling him anyway. He notes it all down in his mind and realizes some of the aspects sound pretty exciting.

On his way home, Sugizo stops at the store and beelines straight for the condom section. He grabs one pack, just in case they run out of what he already has, and then contemplates the one kind of lube they have there. In the end, he buys only one bottle because he’s not feeling that lucky yet.

Back in his room, he hides it all under the bed in hopes that they will need it soon, even though he has to admit he’s a bit nervous about it all.




Unfortunately, having a band isn’t just parties and fun, especially if you take music and art seriously, which Sugizo always does. He was brought up to believe in it and how much it contributes to the world. Besides, the combination of these five people managed to create a fair share of songs in the span of only two months so far, and that’s very promising.

They keep getting booked for gigs, word gets around, and the amount of people coming to see them is increasing. Soon enough, other bands invite them to their shows too, and the workload is piling up by the week. It almost becomes a regular pattern of practicing every day and into the night and then playing shows on the weekends. There is very little time left for anything other than hard work.

This also means that all distractions are pushed to the backburner, and that bottle of lube stays forgotten under the bed for over a month.

It’s not like they don’t still share a bed often, make out, or get each other off, but the exhaustion and late nights are having their effect on both of them. Ryuichi is, more often than not, fast asleep the moment his head touches the pillow, and Sugizo follows soon enough. They’re both serious about this band too and focus all of their attention on it .

Sugizo only hopes all of this is worth it, but at the same time, he can no longer imagine his life any other way.





Chapter Text




The two of us entwined in the darkness
Wielding our tongues as weapons
We come near a crossroads
Everything enclosed by blooming flowers
And while we take pleasure in this night’s joining
Still I am unsure of it all


I didn’t think I would hurt you
Believed there was nothing to lose sight of
So I reached out and grabbed hold of despair





Sugizo is practicing violin in his room while Ryuichi is lying on the bed, seemingly asleep, but the slight smile on his lips suggests he’s listening. He watches Ryuichi’s face as he plays Bach and gets lost in the intricacy of all the changes in the melody. Music, even for practice, always fills him with emotions and thoughts. Right now, all he can think about is that he hopes to spend the rest of his life playing violin (and looking at Ryuichi as well).

Sugizo stops and wants to say something, but loud voices from below interrupt him before he can even utter a word. His parents are arguing again; lately it’s been almost every day. Ryuichi opens his eyes and looks right at Sugizo, slightly frowning as he listens for a moment too.

“Hey,” the vocalist suddenly smiles, “how about we go check out that new game they installed at the arcade?” He gets up and grabs his sunglasses from the table. Sugizo wonders if it’s too obvious how much it hurts to hear his parents yelling. He agrees and puts the violin away with a slightly heavy feeling in his chest.

They sneak past his parents, still screaming at each other, and into the sunny summer afternoon. Ryuichi instantly hides his face behind the round sunglasses and runs a hand through his hair which is getting longer by the day. Sugizo puts his own sunglasses on and shrugs into a black overshirt to complete his look.

They walk the familiar streets, and it somehow makes Sugizo happy that Ryuichi already knows his way around so well. The guitarist buys them cold drinks at the vending machine as they enter the arcade. It’s a mess of sounds and voices, but it’s instantly comforting to be here, and Sugizo feels incredibly grateful for this boy walking in front of him and already securing them a place.

The game is good and it entertains them for most of the afternoon, until both of them get too hungry to stay any longer. They buy some bread and onigiri at the grocery store before settling down at the playground, which luckily lacks any kids running around. They sit at a table with benches underneath the trees and unpack the food, but Ryuichi is still strangely protective of the grocery bag. Sugizo eyes it while they eat and can’t help wondering what could possibly be so important in it. He didn’t pay much attention in the store; sometimes it’s hard to so when the younger boy stands in front of him.

“What are you hiding in that bag?” Sugizo asks and tries to reach over the table to get it, but Ryuichi quickly swats his hand.

“Nothing, you’ll see later. Finish your onigiri.” He’d be offended that the vocalist bosses him around like this if there wasn’t also that pout present on his lips. Sugizo can’t resist the pout. He’s weak whenever it appears and curses the younger boy for being so adorable.

Sugizo shakes his head with a laugh and they finish eating together while talking about the game they just played. He doesn’t let himself be distracted this time, though, and waits patiently for Ryuichi to reveal the secret contents of the bag. When Ryuichi finally pulls out a small box with chocolate cake in it, Sugizo gasps in surprise.

“What the… how do you know it’s my favorite?” The guitarist asks, amazed by such a gesture.

“Yours? It’s my favorite! But I guess… now it’s ours.” The vocalist shrugs and bites his bottom lip slightly as he opens the box. They have only one plastic fork, though, and Ryuichi offers it to Sugizo who can’t quite believe this selfless act from their vocalist. But he quickly understands when Ryuichi opens his mouth in expectation after Sugizo has his own bite.

The guitarist cuts a piece and slowly guides it into the other boy’s lips, who closes his eyes after accepting the sweet treat. There is a tingling around Sugizo’s chest which spreads lower as a warmth into his groin. He never thought that feeding cake to someone could be erotic, yet here he is trying not to jump Ryuichi’s bones right here on the playground table.

The cake is delicious; Sugizo has to moan in delight himself as he savors the amazing taste. He feeds a few more bites to the vocalist and as chocolate icing stains the corner of Ryuichi’s lips, Sugizo leans over to wipe it with his thumb and lick it off. But the younger boy is faster and sucks the digit into his mouth. Sugizo’s heart almost explodes and his breath hitches. Ryuichi lifts his eyes right into Sugizo’s own and that’s it, Sugizo can’t take it anymore. He leans over the table and replaces the thumb with his lips as he kisses the vocalist deeply. Ryuichi tastes like chocolate and heaven.

The younger boy moans quietly in delight; it was obviously what he aimed for the whole time, but Sugizo can’t find it in him to be even remotely mad for being manipulated like this. A chocolate kiss isn’t the worst thing to be coerced into.

When they part, Ryu’s eyes are still closed and a small, dimpled smile is still in place on his reddened lips.

“What are you so smug about?” Sugizo asks, and the vocalist giggles before just shaking his head, eyes sparkling in the evening light.

“Nothing. It was good cake.” He says and offers Sugizo his toothy grin that could disarm even a death squad. Sugizo sighs and knows he’s probably actually doomed and too weak for this boy’s charms.




“No, no, stop! I told you I want the break in this part and you keep fucking missing it!” Sugizo yells and kicks the mic stand.

“Me?! I’m not the one who is constantly too early for it!” Ryuichi yells back and turns to Shinya.

“Tell him he has to wait four damn beats and not three. This is not a fucking waltz, Sugihara!” Ryuichi’s voice easily wins in volume amongst the rest of them as everyone starts adding their input into this situation.

They’re working on a new song, and so far, the only thing they managed to do is argue about it, Sugizo and Ryuichi the most. Both of them are stubborn, and their egos clash like speeding cars. With the added pressure of an upcoming show, it’s obvious they will either beat each other up or drag this rehearsal on through the night.

“It’s shit, I don’t even want to hear it anymore. Gotta go to work.” J shakes his head in disappointment and unplugs his bass before packing up and leaving with a slam of the door. Inoran sighs and runs a hand through the long hair as he doesn’t even want to look at the rest of them.

“Sure, great, all of you leave,” Ryuichi snaps, takes his jacket from the couch and is the second one to slam the door loudly on his way out. Sugizo can feel two pairs of stares directed at him as he’s quietly processing his rage before he proceeds to punch the backrest of the couch repeatedly. He definitely imagines the vocalist’s face instead.

“I swear if you two are fucking this band up instead of just fucking each other…” Shinya says while looking ominous behind the drumset. Inoran silently nods a few times as he removes his own guitar.

“What the hell? It has nothing to do with what we do together!” Sugizo turns around fast and is already ripping the guitar strap off of his shoulder.

“Like hell it doesn’t! Last time, when some guy wanted to buy him a drink, you nearly kicked that fool to the floor.” Shinya gets up from behind the drums and stops Sugizo from leaving with a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not true and you know it. That guy was groping him! I saw it!” Sugizo defends himself and pushes Shinya away.

“It has to stop, man. It’s adding even more tension to the band than we need,” Shinya says behind him as Sugizo angrily packs the violin.

“And you’re head over heels for him,” says Inoran, which adds the last nail to the coffin. Sugizo stops mid-motion and stares at the instrument.

It’s true that Sugizo went a bit overboard at that club after their latest show, but it was just too much to see someone touch Ryuichi less than five minutes after they were making out in the empty dressing room. They went to the bar only to get more drinks, and some guy took Ryuichi around the shoulders and pulled him away. Sugizo saw that guy’s hand slide down their vocalist’s arm and to the small of his back.

Next thing he knew, he was holding the guy by the collar and then people were pulling them apart. He knows he overstepped his boundaries, but he was quite drunk and in such cases, his temper gets the better of him. He remembers through the haze of his rage that even Ryuichi didn’t like this possessive public display and has been cold to him ever since. This includes not sleeping in Sugizo’s bed for a week.

Today’s fight had an aftertaste of it, but he refuses to admit it’s just that. All of them fight all the time; it’s nothing new.

“No, I’m not. It’s not about that and we both know it,” he finally replies, closes the case and leaves without looking at any of them. No one says anything else, but their silence speaks volumes. They all know this can grow over their heads and fast.




The recording of their first demo tape is a disaster. They managed to get into fights at least three times, and the tiny studio might not be the most expensive one, but it still costs money. The stress and pressure is enough for Sugizo to feel like smashing his guitar to pieces.

“Fuck this, I’m going for a smoke,” he announces and grabs his cigs on the way before slamming the door of the studio. The air outside is stuffy, and the pavement underneath his sneakers feels hot from the searing sun . Sugizo quickly hides in the shade of the building as he lights a cig.

Maybe they made a mistake and it’s not going to work. If they continue like this, nothing is going to come out of it, no matter how popular they are with the fans. He sighs and exhales smoke into the sky before closing his eyes and leaning on the wall behind him.

“Are you giving up already?” Sugizo cracks one eye and there is their vocalist walking up towards him while squinting against the sun.

“I’m not a quitter,” he replies sternly and feels almost offended by that question.

“Good. Didn’t peg you for one,” Ryuichi replies and leans next to him on the wall. They fall silent for a while as Sugizo smokes and Ryuichi watches the sky.

“You know, I used to be afraid of the ocean. Actually, I was outright terrified of it,” the vocalist says, still looking up at the blue canvas above them. “But when we moved to Yamato, it became my neighbor. Everyone in school was constantly going to the beach, and a lot of the boys were surfing. I was the only one who didn’t even know how to properly swim.” Sugizo is listening and watching Ryu’s profile, wondering where this is going.

“My own fear was holding me back,” the vocalist continues and looks down at Sugizo. “So one weekend, I went to the beach and joined the other boys. And instead of just learning how to swim, I decided I wanted to learn how to surf. I conquered my fear and made it my friend.” He’s looking into Sugizo’s eyes, who remains silent.

“This band is just a drop in the vast ocean of music. But I’m not afraid, I’m ready to do whatever it takes and surf through it the same way I conquer the waves.” Ryuichi turns fully to the guitarist and touches Sugizo’s chest with his fist.

“I’m with you no matter where this takes us, all of us are. We fight so often because we all care too much about this band already. Do you see it? Jun and Ino work like mules to bring money into it; we practice every day and left behind everything else there was.” Ryuichi looks so serious; Sugizo’s rarely seen him like this. He’s so young, all of them are. And yet, they’re probably carving out their future in this dingy studio right now.

“I believe in this band. Please believe in it too.” Ryuichi’s hand covers Sugizo’s heart with its palm and that touch feels warmer than even the summer heat. Actually, it’s as if he can feel the rift between them closing again. Sugizo realizes he missed Ryuichi more than he thought. After that club fight, things were strained, Ryuichi barely even looked at him, and he hadn’t stayed the night in two weeks now. Sugizo is counting, and not only because of their expenses.

He’s looking into Ryuichi’s amber eyes now and wondering what lucky star brought this boy into his life. He didn’t even know he needed to hear all of this, but obviously he did. And instead of answering, Sugizo covers that slender hand with his own and squeezes it gently. He’s aware of his own complicated relationship with music, and this is not the first band he’s in, but Ryuichi is right - he doesn’t want this one to fail either.

“I do,” Sugizo sighs. “Let’s go back and finish this damn song.” He urges the vocalist inside, and unsurprisingly, there is a new energy powering his will to make this demo work.




They manage to sell all 100 copies of the Lunacy demo. It’s a big hit and earns them back some of that studio money. For the first time, it feels like what they’re doing isn’t in vain.

There aren’t many places where young people of their sort could go to have fun and dance. The only option around is the disco hall in Hadano. They’re going to be the black sheep of that crowd, but honestly, it doesn’t matter that much. They invite their other friends from the area too and crash that party like true punks do.

Sugizo feels so victorious and free. They are a band that’s finally gaining recognition, and all of their hard work is paying off. They can even pay for their own drinks. In light of that, he and Tezya instantly go for the bar; the selection isn’t great but who cares.

“This is so awesome, man!” Tezya announces over the loud music and Sugizo grins at him, nodding. They order and drink for a while as they watch the crowd and their friends having fun on the dance floor. Most of them already picked up some girls and are catching disapproving glances from of the other guys.

“So, you and the twink… ling star of your band?” Tezya instantly tries to correct himself but ends up giggling at Sugizo’s glare. “Have you made any progress on the whole sex thing?” He asks and motions with his chin at the boy dancing with Inoran and two girls in the crowd.

“No time for that,” Sugizo replies after a second and watches Ryuichi as well. Their vocalist is laughing at something Inoran shouted into his ear and turns to repeat it to the girl next to him. It’s tugging at some of his jealous heartstrings, but he’s keeping calm now. He’s learned his lesson already.

“Hmm, if you say so… if it was me, I would have bent him over at least three times by now. God, look at that smile. He’s prettier than all the girls around him.” A hand swats the back of Tezya’s head harshly, and there’s a storm in Sugizo’s eyes.

“Don’t you fucking dare, man,” the guitarist growls, and Tezya is laughing and patting him on the shoulder.

“Of course not, I’m your friend. And besides, I’m not the one he’s giving that sultry look to right now.” Tezya nudges Sugizo, who looks back into Ryuichi’s direction and sure enough, those pretty eyes are directed at him and they stare at each other for a moment over the crowd. The younger boy mouths at him to come and dance, and Sugizo is already leaving the bar.

“Go get him, tiger!” Tezya yells after him and laughs, but Sugizo is already weaving through the dancing teenagers. And when he finally reaches Ryuichi, he pulls him by the waist and instantly gives him a brief hug. He smells like leather and the sea and Sugizo wants to stay there, inhaling that scent from his neck, forever.

A song about being in love is playing and he pulls away to look at the boy in his arms. Ryuichi is smiling at him brightly as they move together to the music and Sugizo laughs, takes him by the hand and pulls away only to roll him back to his chest. A few months ago he would have cared what people around them think, but right now it’s as if the whole world has disappeared. Another song starts, Ryuichi slides the leather jacket halfway off his shoulders, and Sugizo is unable to look away.

They dance for at least five more songs, but soon the sexual tension between them becomes unbearable. Sugizo’s hands sneak their way underneath the Bowie t-shirt Ryuichi claimed as his own ages ago and up onto the damp skin of his waist. They are probably too close for two friends that are just dancing, but it’s not like they care about the opinions of this small town. Ryuichi has his arms thrown around Sugizo’s neck, and his eyes are glittering in the colorful lights above their heads. Sugizo can feel those slender fingers clutching at the nape of his neck, and then the vocalist is dragging him down to tell him something.

“Let’s get out of here,” Ryuichi’s lips brush the shell of Sugizo’s ear, and a slight shudder runs down his spine. To be honest, he would like nothing more. Without an answer, he grabs Ryu’s hand and pushes through the crowd and outside of the disco.

The night is warm and beautiful as they run through the streets while holding hands and dragging one another to share heated kisses next to closed stores. There’s no rush, but at the same time, they always have only the time they can steal for themselves.

Finally, Sugizo opens the door of his house, and it’s dark and quiet inside - nobody is home. Right, he forgot the philharmonic will soon be in season, and his parents have rehearsals and his sister went with them to Tokyo.

They stumble up the stairs as Ryuichi grabs him by the waist and laughs it feels so good to just be carefree and young for tonight. As they burst into Sugizo’s room, they’re already engaged in a hungry kiss, and Ryuichi slams the door with his foot. Sugizo holds Ryu’s face in his palms as he’s kissing him and pushing him further inside to his bed.

He pulls away for a moment to look at the vocalist and his heart flutters a bit when Ryuichi gives him that brilliant smile. He’d like to stop time and freeze this moment for eternity. But the younger boy pulls him down and resumes their kiss while working on removing Sugizo’s t-shirt, delicate fingers tracing patterns on his back, and it makes Sugizo sigh into the kiss.

They part as the garment is pulled over the older boy’s head, and he dives for Ryuichi’s neck right away, biting and sucking near that delicious birthmark while he’s pulling off his leather jacket and pressing their bodies closer. Ryuichi is letting out needy sighs, and it makes Sugizo’s blood boil with want. Without hesitation, he presses their hips together and can feel Ryuichi’s hardness growing against his own. Sugizo licks his way up to that prominent ear and bites the lobe.

“Ah!” The vocalist gasps, and his hips sway forward on reflex. The guitarist is so charmed by this sensitivity, and his hands slide down to Ryuichi’s ass to squeeze it. It feels like forever since he was able to touch him the way he wants to; he has to be careful not to push Ryuichi away again with his own selfish actions.

Sugizo pulls Ryuichi’s shirt hastily over his head as well and instantly attaches his mouth to one dark nipple. He can feel hands in his already-long-ish hair, buried in the strands and urging him on. Sugizo undoes the younger boy’s pants and slides them off his hips, along with the hem of the underwear so he can free Ryuichi’s cock. It’s been a few blowjobs for both of them already, so it’s is nothing new when Sugizo dips his head lower and sucks the head into his mouth.

Ryuichi moans his name and shudders under his hands while Sugizo slides his pants down the rest of the way. He can’t believe he missed this taste on his tongue; it makes him realize just how addicted he is to it. The guitarist takes Ryuichi even deeper and then starts bobbing his head in a slow rhythm. Ryuichi is absolutely not restraining himself from moaning and it’s amazing, but Sugizo feels like he wants to hear more, so much more.

He pulls away with a slick sound and licks the underside of his cock for a good measure, then he looks up to see Ryuichi gloriously flushed and trying to catch his breath through his parted lips. Sugizo gets up to take off his own pants and pushes Ryuichi to the bed, where both of them fall in a giggling heap of limbs. They didn’t  bother turning on any lights earlier, so as always, the only source of it is from the street and the moon which is particularly bright tonight. But Sugizo doesn’t need to see to know every curve and angle of Ryuichi’s body as he slides his hands over the hot skin. He remembers it all already and is able to find all the sensitive spots on the boy’s neck while they rub their dicks together.

“Fuck me, Sugizo,” Ryuichi gasps into guitarist’s ear and drags his nails down his back. Sugizo halts his movement and rests on his elbows to look down at the vocalist underneath him.

“Are you sure?” Sugizo pants and feels a sudden excitement rush through him.

“Yes, dammit, it’s taking you way too long.” Ryuichi grabs him by the neck to kiss him again, and Sugizo can’t help but smile into it. He tries to blindly reach underneath the bed for the lube but has to stop the kissing and lean down to search for it. His hand shakes slightly as he puts everything on the bed, and Ryuichi immediately grabs the lube to inspect it.

“You really prepared, huh?” A teasing smile spreads across that pretty face and Sugizo plucks the lube out of his hand.

“Shut up,” he mumbles, glad the dark hides his blush. Ryuichi laughs and props on his elbow to kiss Sugizo’s cheek; it’s such an innocent gesture in this kind of situation that it melts Sugizo’s heart, and he leans down to chase those pretty lips for another short kiss.

Sugizo then coats his fingers in lube and hopes it isn’t too obvious just how nervous he is. It’s not the act himself but the fear of messing this up. To his surprise, Ryuichi eagerly spreads his legs and positions them high so he’ll have better access.

“Don’t worry, I’ve already fingered myself a few times.” Ryuichi takes Sugizo’s face in his hands and leans their foreheads together. It almost knocks the breath out of the guitarist; just the image itself makes his cock twitch in anticipation.

“Oh god…” He whispers, breathless, as his fingers find the entrance and circle it.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. Imagined all the ways you’d fuck me,” Ryuichi gasps slightly as Sugizo enters him with the tip of his middle finger, “how… your cock would feel buried deep… inside me.” The vocalist keeps talking, and it slowly eases all the fear in Sugizo and instead riles him up even more.

“You’d… fill me up… right to the core.” They start sharing open-mouthed kisses and nibbles as Ryuichi keeps the words coming and Sugizo sets a pace with his finger. “Or... I’d just imagine your fingers… buried to the knuckles... ahhh fuck... es, like that.” Sugizo adds a  second one and starts working him open, which shuts the vocalist up as he throws his head back and Sugizo attaches his mouth to that neck instead.

There is a fair amount of moaning from the vocalist, and Sugizo can’t believe they’re actually about to do this, to go fully in and get to know what it’s really like. He adds the third finger, just like he was instructed to do by his friend, and starts opening him up and going even deeper. Suddenly Ryuichi screams and grabs Sugizo’s shoulders, who instantly stops in panic and almost withdraws from him completely.

“No, no, no, don’t you dare stop, oh my god, do it again.” Ryuichi holds Sugizo’s elbow and tries to catch his breath; Sugizo’s heart is almost jumping out of his chest with worry but he slowly returns to the same rhythm as before.

“Oh fuck, yes, right there,” Ryuichi whines and starts rolling his hips against Sugizo’s fingers. The guitarist doesn’t know what exactly he did right but decides not to question it and gets back to nipping at Ryuichi’s collarbone. Their cocks brush as they both move, and Sugizo thinks he could maybe let him come just with his fingers. But he wants the full course tonight and shelves this possibility for later.

He withdraws his hand and wipes it on a tissue next to the bed. Ryuichi lets out some protests but watches in anticipation as Sugizo takes the condom package and rips it open before slipping the condom onto his cock. But before he can even use the lube again, Ryuichi is already coating his palm in it and slicking Sugizo’s erection with it.

This part obviously makes them both nervous; they go quiet and hold their breath as Sugizo positions himself and starts entering Ryuichi. It’s unbelievably tight and amazing at the same time, it short-circuits his brain for a moment until he hears the boy underneath him whimper in pain. He starts pulling away, but Ryuichi grabs him by the ass and digs his nails in.

“No, keep going, I… I like it.” The vocalist whispers lowly and opens his eyes to look into Sugizo’s searching ones. They stare at each other as Sugizo keeps pushing inside, observing how Ryu’s face twitches in pain a few times, but at the same time the boy obviously enjoys it as he pants and moans. Somehow, this realization makes something inside Sugizo burn with satisfaction, and it’s too good to even feel guilty about it.

When he’s finally fully buried, he lowers his head into the crook of Ryuichi’s neck and breathes the scent of sweat and salt for a few seconds. It feels unbelievably tight but at the same time like home, and he never wants to leave. They breathe together a few beats before Sugizo leans on his elbows and looks down again. He watches Ryuichi’s face in the shadows when he slides one hand under his ass and rocks their hips together; they gasp in sync and he chances a shallow thrust in and out.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Sugizo mumbles and closes his eyes for a moment but quickly opens them again to look back into Ryuchi’s half-lidded ones. The younger boy is speechless and only manages to moan when Sugizo thrusts into him again and again until he sets up a slow tempo. Sugizo can feel slender legs tangling around his back, and one of Ryu’s hands grips in the pillow behind his head, blindly reaching for support as their bodies start gaining momentum.

Sugizo’s brain is unable to process that they’re fucking; it feels unreal and too good. The pleasure is so overwhelming that it’s impossible to focus on everything he’d like, but he tries to at least ingrain in his memory what it feels like for them to become one. Honestly, he never felt like this in his life and can’t imagine feeling this way with anyone else.

He reaches for Ryuichi’s hand on the pillow and entwines their fingers as he thrusts deeper. He wants to try to reach that spot inside again that made Ryuichi scream earlier. Sugizo remembers it was somewhere up at an angle when he crooked his fingers a bit, so he lifts the younger boy’s ass a bit more and quickens his thrusts. That makes Ryu throw his head back again, so he knows it was the right decision.

“Like… this… ahh, Sugi-chan… harder.” Ryuichi’s voice is hoarse, and his damp chest glistens in the light from the window. Sugizo follows his wishes and starts ramming even harder into him before he leans down to lick that chest, giving  attention to every freckle until he reaches the left nipple and latches onto it. At this point, he’s going fast and hard; Ryuichi starts almost screaming and that drives Sugizo even closer to his own release.

He can feel it building quickly and looks up to search for Ryuichi’s face - the boy is a flushed, sweaty mess. Sugizo smiles breathlessly at this image and untangles their hands so he can slide his under Ryu’s head instead and hold him from sliding upwards as he speeds up his thrusts even more. The vocalist opens his eyes and pulls Sugizo closer so their lips are touching but not kissing. They watch each other through half-lidded eyes as Ryuichi reaches down between them to stroke his own cock, which means he’s also close.

Sugizo tries to hold on as long as he can and he almost manages, but Ryuichi starts coming and clenches around him, and that milks the orgasm right out of him as well. They are moaning and panting into each other’s mouths as one, and sweat is trickling down Sugizo’s back but all he can feel is still that unbearable tightness and complete harmony of their bodies moving together in sync.

As they come down, sweaty bodies tangled together and trying to catch their breath, it finally dawns on him - they just had sex. And it was absolutely mindblowing. Maybe it wasn’t perfect since it was their first time, but for Sugizo, it was everything he’d imagined. He holds Ryuichi in an embrace for a bit and just enjoys the feel of their bodies pressed together and still joined, but soon it gets too sticky. Sugizo pulls away and stands on shaky legs to discard the condom into the trash. When he turns around, Ryuichi is already cleaning himself up with tissues, which he then tries to aim at the trash bin but misses and they both laugh.

“You suck,” Sugizo says with a grin as he throws himself back on the bed and half on top of the vocalist, who huffs from the impact.

“And you like it,” Ryuichi retorts with a bright smile and Sugizo only nods, still smiling as well, before leaning down and kissing the boy deeply. Strangely enough, the kiss is gentle and somehow full of tenderness from both of them. Sugizo doesn’t know where it comes from but it’s there, and Ryuichi’s fingers caressing his scalp only add to it. They kiss for a long while, taking their time to play with each other’s lips and slowly tangling their tongues as if they’re having a quiet conversation. Maybe they are, saying things that neither of them can speak out loud but have the need to express anyway.

Sugizo knows what it is in his case, though. He’s in love with Ryuichi and he’s unable to stop falling for him even deeper.




The night turns slightly cooler and the cicadas are loud outside the open window. Both boys are still naked (why bother with clothes or covers in summer?) and laying next to each other on the bed. They doze on and off, occasionally talking about some meaningless stuff or making out if they happened to be awake at the same time. Now Ryuichi is slumbering and Sugizo is awake, supporting his head on one hand and turned on his side facing the other boy who is on his stomach - whole back and bare butt on display just for the guitarist’s eyes.

Sugizo is lost in his thoughts for the moment and absent-mindedly draws patterns on Ryuichi’s back with his fingers. He’s thinking of a melody, definitely violin, and he can almost hear their vocalist’s voice singing into it gently. It’s one of such magical moments that nights sometimes bring in their late hours.

Sugizo looks down at the tan skin dotted with freckles and traces the constellations with his middle finger, then continues lower along the spine to the rise of his waist. He smiles slightly and caresses one cheek of the cute ass in his palm.

“You perv,” there is a mumble into the pillow and a sleepy chuckle. Sugizo feels like he got busted, but at the same time he’s not sorry for touching Ryuichi, so he only chuckles in response. And since he doesn’t feel like stopping, he just leans down and kisses the curved waist and then the other cheek. Ryuichi’s breath hitches somewhere above him, and Sugizo opens his mouth to press his tongue on the smooth skin and then, very gently, also his teeth. That elicits a low moan from the vocalist, and Sugizo feels satisfied so he pulls away.

“Does it hurt?” Sugizo asks and caresses Ryuichi’s lower back again to make it clear what he means.

“Hmm, not too bad… definitely a bit sore but--” there is a pause and then very quietly, “I like the feeling.”

Sugizo leans down again to kiss the vocalist’s shoulder and then up to the back of his neck where he noses at the messy, curly hair. He can feel a shudder underneath his palm running down Ryuichi’s back and he continues caressing his lower back and waist. For some reason, he can feel himself getting hard again but he won’t push the younger one to do anything if he’s too tired.

“And are my fingers better or yours?” Sugizo asks quietly and slowly finds his way to the side of Ryuichi’s neck where he plants small kisses. The boy underneath him lets out a shuddering breath and lifts his hips slightly only to push them back down. Alright, it seems both of them are getting hard, and Sugizo is certainly not going to stop now.

“Yours are... longer… and-” Ryuichi whimpers instead of finishing his sentence and lifts his ass slightly again, obviously wanting said fingers to touch him, but the guitarist presses him back by the waist again.

“And?” Sugizo demands and digs his nails into the soft skin. Ryuichi gasps and moans.

“And the… your knuckles, they feel gr-great.” It rushes out of the younger boy, and Sugizo lifts one eyebrow with an amused smirk on his lips. Interesting information, indeed.

Without prolonging this too much, he reaches for the lube and pours some on the crack of Ryuichi’s ass which makes the boy hiss from the cold sensation. Sugizo still can’t let go of that satisfied smirk as he slowly slides his middle finger between the slicked cheeks and down to the entrance. Ryuichi is already moaning with anticipation and trying to push against the finger. Sugizo feels like playing with him a bit, so he doesn’t instantly slide in but circles it a few times first and then enters him with just one knuckle again.

“So needy…” He whispers next to vocalist’s ear when the boy tries to get it deeper still but then enters him fully in one go. Sugizo starts enjoying this way too much, especially after knowing what effect his own fingers have on Ryuichi. He bites the side of Ryuichi’s neck lightly as he sets a steady pace. His own erection presses against the side of the vocalist’s hip, and he starts rubbing himself on him in sync with his hand.

Ryuichi is cursing and moaning into the pillow while gripping the edges of it in his fists. And there is that feeling in Sugizo’s gut again, the desire to go hard and rough… especially since he now knows Ryuichi kind of likes it. He adds a second finger and tries to go even deeper, to explore everything further. The vocalist is definitely enjoying this treatment, judging by the barely-coherent words of approval and encouragement that slip through the shameless moans.

Sugizo adds a third finger, and this time he just continues fucking him as well as he can with those. He starts kissing and biting Ryuichi’s back again; all those muscles moving and rippling, it’s a delicious sight and has to be properly appreciated.

“Do you want to come like this?” Sugizo asks breathlessly next to Ryuichi’s ear, “or do you want me to fuck you again?” Personally he’d fuck him just like this but he leaves the choice to the younger one.

“Ahh… l-like this,” Ryuichi pants out the reply with a slight hesitation. Is he afraid of Sugizo judging him for enjoying his fingers so much? Certainly no need to worry and Sugizo shows him just that when he curls and turns them around inside so he can find that spot again. Ryuichi almost howls into the bedding with bliss, and Sugizo starts hitting it repeatedly just to see how much the boy can take. Apparently not much, since it’s only a few more thrusts before Ryuichi starts coming while rubbing his cock on the bedding underneath him.

Either this was the most erotic thing Sugizo has ever seen, or Ryuichi is just extremely hot. Both things are probably true, and he’s beyond turned on by what just transpired.

He wipes his hand on another tissue and rolls onto his back to catch his own breath. He closes his eyes for a second but what makes him open them very quickly is the sound of a condom package being ripped open. Ryuichi is on his knees, still covered slightly in his own come and smirking at Sugizo with an undertone of danger.

“This is payback,” he states simply and before Sugizo can even say anything, Ryuichi slides the condom on the guitarist’s erection in one motion, and that silences him completely. He pours some more lube on top and Sugizo can only watch in wonder as the younger boy crawls above him and slides down onto his cock. It’s not practiced or precise, but soon they are joined again and Sugizo marvels at the wonderful, dishevelled sight of Ryuichi in front of him.

“Are you okay?” he asks before he gets too lost in the haze of pleasure because only a moment ago he went quite rough on the younger one.

“I’m fine, told you not to worry.” Ryuichi shakes his head and reaches for Sugizo’s hands, entwines their fingers, and smiles down on him before he starts moving. The sky behind the window is slowly getting lighter, and Ryuichi’s silhouette against it looks like he’s a part of Sugizo’s countless wet dreams, and maybe he is. The guitarist tries to drag the boy down to him, but Ryuichi only laughs and guides Sugizo’s hands to his hips to help him move as he supports himself on the guitarist’s hard stomach. They move like that for a while until Sugizo’s patience runs thin and he really wants to kiss him.

He grabs Ryuichi’s hips tightly to keep him in place and sits up, shifting them both to the side and swinging his legs over the end of the bed for better leverage, then leaning back and supporting himself on one hand, the other encircling the vocalist’s waist.  Sugizo smirks at the surprise on Ryuichi’s face before he attacks his lips with a hungry kiss. They start moving again, but this time Sugizo is leading the tempo and thanks to this position, he’s also able to apply more force to his thrusts.

Ryuichi is soon happy enough with the position that he completely leaves the lead to Sugizo and enjoys the ride, arms around Sugizo’s neck and leaving open mouthed kisses down his jaw. The guitarist slides one hand down to Ryuichi’s ass for a better grip and the other to the vocalist’s already-half-hard cock to help him to a full erection. If he can make Ryuichi come twice in such a short time, it’ll definitely be a success.

“Touch yourself,” Sugizo orders him breathlessly after he lets go of Ryuichi’s now-fully-hard cock and leans back on the hand he was using for better support. Ryuichi does as he’s told and starts jerking himself off in time with Sugizo’s thrusts. Like this, the guitarist has the best view of the younger boy’s moving body in his lap, so sinfully beautiful and perfect in every detail. Sugizo is pretty sure there isn’t a hotter boy in the whole wide world. But maybe it’s because Ryuichi takes up most of his world already.

Sugizo speeds up the rolling of his hips and watches as Ryuichi starts losing his mind, moaning loudly with abandon as he throws back his head and leans with his free hand on the guitarist’s knee behind him. This time around, both of them are really vocal and enjoying it way more without the worry and uncertainty of their first time. Sugizo digs his fingers deeper into the skin on Ryuichi’s hip, which will probably bruise later, and somehow that brief realization makes him ram even harder into the vocalist.

The idea of marking Ryuichi as his own, giving him a reminder of how good he made him feel… Sugizo is almost overwhelmed with how much he craves doing just that. He leans forward again and takes hold of Ryuichi’s hips with both of his hands, gripping him firmly, and presses his mouth onto that exposed neck, right next to the delicious birthmark. Sugizo whines in bliss as their bodies move like one again, and he bites into the soft skin with another delighted moan. He can taste the salt on his tongue and everything suddenly feels complete.

Ryuichi howls in surprise and then begs for more, which Sugizo provides without hesitation as he starts sucking and biting a pattern down to his collarbone and the second birthmark on the top of Ryu’s chest - connecting all the lovely constellations on this boy’s body. Sugizo is so close already but tries to hold on a bit more for Ryuichi’s sake, who seems to be nearing his release as well, judging by the quickening  of his hand on his cock.

“Mine, you are all mine…” Sugizo whispers lowly into the damp skin of Ryuichi’s neck in between their sighs. He’s not sure if the vocalist heard him, but with just few more thrusts Ryuichi starts coming all over Sugizo’s chest and his own stomach. The guitarist can’t hold back any longer either and loses himself in the sensation and warmth of the body above him  as the orgasm hits him hard too.

When both of them still their movements, Sugizo hugs Ryuichi tightly to his chest and tumbles back on the bed along with him. They can hardly breathe, but for some reason they both start giggling, probably high on all the sex and excitement.

“We made such a mess...” Ryuichi looks down at their chests, still grinning like a fool, and then at the sheets next to them.

“But it was so worth it,” Sugizo says, satisfied, as he plants kisses along Ryuichi’s jaw and refuses to let go of him.

“Let’s take a shower, you can kiss me more there,” the vocalist urges him and brushes sweaty strands of hair from Sugizo’s forehead with unexpected tenderness. The guitarist offers Ryuichi a brilliant smile that suggests he plans on doing just that.







September / October ‘89


I gather up the faint light of the moon
And sink it deep into your tightly locked heart




It’s always like this: happiness needs to be balanced out with sadness.

Sugizo is finally happy with the band, and they get invited to do more lives in Tokyo, which means they’re gaining popularity. Also, he and Ryuichi are becoming even closer; sex broke the last barrier of uncertainty between them, and now they’re not afraid to explore everything this sort of relationship can offer. They’re not dating, but there is some attachment, some unspoken promise that is satisfactory for both of them.

But then the blow comes, one morning before practice, when Sugizo’s parents call down him and his sister to tell them they’re getting a divorce. Sugizo suspected the fighting and their absence would lead to something like this, but he didn’t think it would be so definite. His sister is angry and he only feels hollow and sad.

The anger comes later, during practice, when he almost smashes his own amp because it isn’t giving him the right sound. J and Shinya have to jump in and hold him back before he does any real damage. He tells them what happened, and Ryuichi is the first to march right to him and hug him tightly. Sugizo doesn’t want to cry, but a few tears roll down his cheeks anyway. Right then, Inoran offers that Sugizo can stay at his house as long as he wants, and the lead guitarist accepts it without hesitation.

Sugizo stays at Inoran’s place for most of September; they still practice regularly but it’s more difficult, and that leads them eventually to a decision: they have to change base and move to Tokyo. All of their lives revolve around this band, and there is nothing else for any of them.

And like this, their first summer ends, and they take a step further into adulthood together. The band moves into a small apartment of two rooms in October, and they find part-time jobs and rent a real practice room. And when Sugizo wakes up one morning and looks at the futon next to his - dark hair mixed with green peeks out of the covers and one slender hand is resting close to him with its palm up - he reaches out to gently clasp that hand in his own, caresses the knuckles with his thumb, and knows that he’s happy.