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#AcaDec Squad

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[Liz Allen created the group chat]
[Group Chat was renamed AcaDec Squad]
[Liz Allen added 8 new members]

Liz Allen: hey! I figured for convenience sake, this would be handy

Liz Allen: like if we need an emergency meeting or if someone has any questions

Cindy Moon: nice! Great idea Cap

Flash Thompson: nice

Liz Allen: please don't spam this chat with memes

Peter Parker: this seems cool, thanks for adding me!

Michelle Jones: ok

Michelle Jones: don't blow my notifications up

///

[Liz Allen was renamed Captain Decmerica]
[Michelle Jones was renamed Mindiana Jones]
[Ned Leeds was renamed (hacker voice) I'm in]
[Flash Thompson was renamed Fastest Man Alive]
[Mindiana Jones was renamed Michelle Jones]
[Peter Parker was renamed Penis]
[Cindy Moon was renamed MoonMoon]
[Penis was renamed Parkour]
[Sally Avril was renamed Avril Lavigne]
[Abe Brown was renamed B-Abe]
[Charles Murphy was renamed Bon Jovi ]

Captain Decmerica: Oh! I'm flattered!

Captain Decmerica: i’ll do my very best to make our team champions

Captain Decmerica: our meets are going to be every Wednesday at 3:30 and our first competition is in 7 weeks time so lets get practising right away!

Fastest Man Alive: ugh isnt that like the same week as that oscorp trip

Captain Decmerica: the comp is the day before the trip

Bon Jovi: 

oof

 


 

Captain Decmerica: hey @(hacker voice) I’m in have you heard from Peter at all? He’s been off school since the field trip

(hacker voice) I’m in: idk, May said that he was really ill, probably won’t be in school for the rest of the week

Michelle Jones: good thing the competition was the day before the trip or we’d be down a loser

Fastest Man Alive: penis ran outta that field trip faster than he's ever done for gym it was funny lmao

Captain Decmerica: not really but go off I guess

 


 

MoonMoon: you know, if the multiverse theory is real that means it's really likely that there is a universe where spiderman is a pig

Parkour: jfkskdka

(hacker voice) I’m in: did you mean: spiderham

MoonMoon: omg Ned ur right

Captain Decmerica: what,,,,, brought this on,,,,,

B-Abe: me and Cindy were discussing theories about Spidey and,,, we deviated,,,, heavily

Captain Decmerica: how is it when I'm trying to envision this “spiderham” I can only hear John Mulaney making pig puns in my head

MoonMoon: oh my god

B-Abe: what if,,,, john Mulaney is spiderman

B-Abe: Spidey: hey mr criminal u want ur gun? Take it! *launches it* Street Smarts!

MoonMoon: Spidey: there was a criminal loose in the hospital

Parkour: bugle: spiderman is a menace

Parkour: Spidey: I have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

Captain Decmerica: criminal: *typical bad stuff*

Captain Decmerica: Spidey: that's what I thought you'd say you dumb fucking criminal

(hacker voice) I'm in: that's it we’ve cracked it boys, time to close up shop

MoonMoon: time to tweet him and let him know we've cracked it

 


 

Fastest Man Alive: so when are y’all gonna kick penis outta the team since he keeps skipping

(hacker voice) I’m in: he has his stark internship

Fastest Man Alive: uhhuh, ‘stark internship’ like that bullshit is real

Captain Decmerica: i’m frustrated as well that he keeps skipping but i’m sure what he’s doing is important. He better not skip the Washington comp though.

Fastest Man Alive:

distracted bf

Parkour: flash I'm not lying, I've just been really busy with this thing

Fastest Man Alive: sure Jan

 


 

 Bon Jovi: this week on Midtown Unsolved we are discussing the mystery: who is Spidey

Bon Jovi: discuss

B-Abe: clearly spidey is a gen z kid, have you heard half the jokes and shit he makes? Millennial at a push but defo a gen z

Bon Jovi: big agree big agree

B-Abe: its prolly someone at our school

B-Abe: ive heard that like he made his webs or smth before he seemed to get a #upgrade so prolly has to be smart and hes based in queens and midtown is the top sci/tech school in queens sooooooo

Captain Decmerica: no offence Abe but i think that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said

Bon Jovi: oof get rekt

Captain Decmerica: but you are wrong

Bon Jovi: how

B-Abe: *gasp* are you spiderman liz?

Captain Decmerica: no because spiderman is a ghost alien from the lost city of atlantis situated in the bermuda triangle, duh

B-Abe: shit u rite

Bon Jovi: god i want to deny the alien part so hard but i cant because we literally know aliens exist and i hate it because now whenever aliens is a theory we can't say no about it

MoonMoon: ah, u r Shaniac?

Bon Jovi: and what of it????

Captain Decmerica: god i love having unsolved playing as i’m studying, 10/10

B-Abe: the real question is would spiderman fuck mothman

B-Abe: and that's a mystery that’ll have to remain

Bon Jovi: unsolved

MoonMoon: unsolved

Captain Decmerica: unsolved

B-Abe: unsolved

B-Abe: god fucjing dammit u guys

 


 

 Captain Decmerica: hey guys, I'm pretty sure you all saw the news.

Avril Lavigne: Liz!! Are you ok?

Captain Decmerica: not really, my mom is moving us away. Dad doesn't want us here for the trial

Bon Jovi: I can't believe your dad was the Vulture

Captain Decmerica: so I have to leave the school/decathlon team. I might join another school’s team so I might see you guys at a competition. Sorry for leaving like this

(hacker voice) I'm in: it's ok Liz

Captain Decmerica: I'll miss you guys a lot, bye

[Captain Decmerica left the chat!]

[DM: Ned Leeds and Peter Parker]

Chair Dude: dude i know youre online whyd u not say bye to Liz?

Man of Spiders: u know why

Man of Spiders: its literally my fault that she has to move and she was already frustrated at me the last time we spoke

Chair Dude: you were just doing your job as a superhero, it’s not your fault

Man of Spiders: sure jan

Chair Dude: hey no no memeing on me now this is serious

Read ✓

Chair Dude: i stg if you leave me on read

Read ✓

Chair Dude: i will destroy you

Read ✓

///

[Michelle Jones was renamed MJ]

MJ: team meetings start as usual next wednesday, 3:30

MJ: @parkour you better turn up or I will personally kick your ass

Parkour: don’t worry, im planning to balance my stuff better so i’ll definitely come

MJ: good

 


 

 MoonMoon: this is your daily reminder that spiderman is our beloved bi icon, big Stan

Parkour: sdjghdsjhgs WHAT WAIT HOW DO PEOPLE KNOW

MoonMoon: chill Peter, nothing official, its just like how the lesbian community claimed Thor as their icon™,,, though if he was bi that’d be hella lit

Parkour: oh

Parkour: wait why isn’t Mr. Stark the Bicon since he’s, yknow, publicly out as bi

B-Abe: you can make more bi puns with spiderman

MoonMoon: ^^^^^^^ exactly

B-Abe: I will sue him if he don't come out by saying “I swing both ways”

 

[DM: Ned Leeds and Peter Parker]

Chair Dude: how does it feel being your own icon

Man of Spiders: omfg ned shut your fuck up

Chair Dude: pls come out via that joke pls I would die for u if u did

Man of Spiders: god don't fucking tempt me

Man of Spiders: and pls don't

 


 

 MJ: ok, we have arrived at the safe zone, are all of you there

Avril Lavigne: I am

Bon Jovi: me too

MoonMoon: what the fuck why are there aliens again

Fastest Man Alive: fucking hell I saw Iron Man following that spaceship up

B-Abe: hopefully he can stop them,,,, where's the other avengers?????

MoonMoon: I saw spiderman going about as well!!!!

MJ: Ned where’s Peter

(hacker voice) I’m in: um

MJ: Ned where the fuck is Peter I saw him go on the bus this morning but he didn't come off with us

(hacker voice) I'm in: I really can't say I have no idea

Fastest Man Alive: goddamn it Penis fucking vanishing all the goddamn time

B-Abe: you know if I weren't on the brink of a panic attack, I'd be calling you out about that message because god it sounds dirtier than it should

 

[DM: Ned Leeds and Peter Parker]

Chair Dude: Peter where the hell are you

Chair Dude: I stg if you went on that spaceship and now ur stuck in space I will kill you

Chair Dude: I can't access Karen at all, she's saying out of range

///


[AcaDec Squad]

(hacker voice) I'm in: guys what the hell everyone is vanishing what's going on

MJ: probably something t

(hacker voice) I'm in: MJ????

Avril Lavigne: she,,,, she just vanished,,, I saw it,,,,

Fastest Man Alive: my mom won't pick up the phone

Fastest Man Alive: fuc

B-Abe: flash he just disapp

MoonMoon: guys?

 

[DM: Ned Leeds and Peter Parker]

Chair Dude: fuck now she isn't even giving a response it's like she's

Chair Dude: Peter please respond please say you didn't vanish

Chair Dude: May’s calling me she's asking about you but I don't know what to say Peter please

///

Chair Dude: Tony stark just came back where are you

Chair Dude: he's showing some video

Chair Dude: oh my god you’re in it you’re in space god I wish I could scream about how cool that is but fuck

Chair Dude: holy fuck those are aliens and a wizard

Chair Dude: hell ye kick his ass

Chair Dude: what the hell what the hell is that purple guy

Chair Dude: the aliens are vanishing

Chair Dude: oh no

Chair Dude: Peter no

Chair Dude: Peter oh my god please come back

///

 

[AcaDec Squad]

Parkour: what happened

(hacker voice) I’m in: PETERR YOU’RE ALIVE IM CRYGNG MR STARK SAID WHT HAPPENEDD TO YO U IM

Parkour: Ned calm down It's fine, I'm back

MJ: i’m back as well

Fastest Man Alive: what the actual fuck happened to us

MoonMoon: the avengers did it!!! They brought everyone back!!!!

 

[DM: Ned Leeds and Peter Parker]

Man of Spiders: [sent a photo]

Man of Spiders: i lived bitch

(hacker voice) I’m in: PETER I STG PLS TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AND ET OVER HERE I MUST HUG YOU AND NEVER L ET GO

 


 

 B-Abe: hey i just thought of this

[MJ was renamed Mmm Whatcha J]

[Mmm Whatcha J kicked B-Abe from the chat]

Bon Jovi:

 mmm whatcha say

 


 

 [Michelle Jones created the group chat]

[Group Chat was renamed #Exposed]

[Michelle Jones added 2 people]

Peter Parker: MJ what is this

Michelle Jones: I was fed up waiting for you two to tell me so I'll get straight to the point

Michelle Jones: Parker I know you’re spiderman

Peter Parker: what no I'm not spiderman that's crazy

Ned Leeds: why was I added

Michelle Jones: because you clearly know that Parker is spiderman Leeds you aren't fucking discreet

Ned Leeds: no I don't this is news to me

Michelle Jones: it's the most logical explanation. Every time Parker vanishes or you have your “stark internship” spiderman shows up. You got suddenly more athletic and you’re hiding it. I can see you holding back in pe. I also see you messing with chemicals in chemistry and being sneaky about it, then taking those away with you, though it's less frequent now

Michelle Jones: also you randomly stopped needing glasses even though you’ve worn them since third grade

Peter Parker: I'm not lying

Michelle Jones: Parker telling lies?

Peter Parker: no mj

Michelle Jones: if I open your backpack I am 100% guaranteed to see your suit or your web shooters

Peter Parker:

Peter Parker: fine, you figured it out congrats

Ned Leeds: peter why did u give up so easily

Peter Parker: she wouldn't have done this without the evidence and she’s observant, she clearly noticed

Michelle Jones: which I did

Michelle Jones: also don't loudly discuss your spiderman antics at lunch be thankful im the only one who’s actually listened to you losers

Ned Leeds: so why didn't you do this in person?

Michelle Jones: you two would've avoided it and

[#Exposed was renamed Spider Squad]

Michelle Jones: I want in

 


 

 Fastest Man Alive: hey penis @parkour are you ready to fukin die of embarrassment

Parkour: how???

Fastest Man Alive: that ur lie of being Stark’s intern will be found out obviously duh

MoonMoon: flash have u ever considered that Peter was telling the truth? Like, at all?

Bon Jovi: I mean,,, I don't even remember there being applications for a stark internship so…

Fastest Man Alive: get ready Penis

Mmm Whatcha J: sounds like a euphemism

Parkour: wow I am soo excited

///

[The group chat AcaDec Squad was renamed Spidey Supporters Squad]

[Parkour was renamed Bi-derman]

Bi-derman: um?

(hacker voice) I'm in: Peter u know it's true

Bi-derman: I mean it's true and you should say it

Bi-derman: but honestly no one was meant to know about spidey? Shit

Avril Lavigne: I'm still shook,,, like who’d’ve thunk

Avril Lavigne: like I believed the internship thing but Spidey?? Wrow

Fastest Man Alive: I can't believe I bullied spiderman wtf this is the worst timeline

B-abe: Peter Parker… mr science whiz himself

Bon Jovi: hahaha you said whiz

Bon Jovi: but yeah, big mood to everyone

Bi-derman: it wasn't that shocking, right?

Mmm Whatcha J: y’all’re idiots

Fastest Man Alive: you’re acting as if finding out Parker was Spider-Man wasn't a surprise

(hacker voice) I'm in: that's cause it wasn't

Mmm Whatcha J: that's because it wasn't

(hacker voice) I'm in: same hat

Mmm Whatcha J: it’s bold of you to assume I don't know everything about everyone in our school flash

Fastest Man Alive: fucking hell

Bi-derman: [sent a photo]

Bi-derman: it was a shame you guys couldn't get a pic with Thor, he was really excited to take a selfie

MoonMoon: Peter you are now dead to me

Bon Jovi: blocked

B-abe: and

Avril Lavigne: reported

Mmm Whatcha J: did you guys practice that or something?

Bon Jovi:

maybe so

 


 

 MoonMoon: uhhh no offence Peter but htf did u get ur powers like,,, u couldn't even run a lap in gym without dying and now u can literally flex all over us

Bi-derman: none taken, we all know I was really bad at sports

B-Abe: yeah I'm really curious too like??

Bi-derman: uhhhh do y'all remember that fukcin oscorp trip we had

MoonMoon: ye?

Bi-derman: well in the middle of that trip one of the Spiders they were testing decided I was a mcsnacc and boom I woke up sticking to walls and with a six pack

Mmm Whatcha J: so that's why you ran out in the middle of the trip and wasn't at school for a week

MoonMoon: and thats when you started missing practice and leaving clubs

Fastest Man Alive: I thought you knew all this

Mmm Whatcha J: I knew the basics, not the details

Bi-derman: so ye, that's the story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down and that's how I became the Spider-Man of Queens

MoonMoon:

B-Abe: did you really just fucking quote fresh prince

Bi-derman: yes, yes I did

(hacker voice) I’m in: the spider knew before any of us that Peter was a whole snacc

 


 

 Fastest Man Alive: new kid today

MoonMoon: oh do u think they could potentially join the team?

Fastest Man Alive: dunno

Mmm Whatcha J: new kid’s name is Harry Osborn he’s in our English

(hacker voice) I'm in: side note Peter is having a bi crisis because Harry sat next to him, he was dying about when we were at our lockers

Bi-derman: SHUT YOUR FUCK

B-abe: Parker, the resident disaster bi

B-abe: Cindy is our resident distinguished bi and idk who tf our resident functional bi is

Avril Lavigne: no one because none of us are functional

B-Abe: BIG RT

[MoonMoon was renamed Distinguished Bi]

Distinguished Bi: wow two kids in our class with rich dads lmao what's the odds of that

Bi-derman: wait who’s the other kid

Fastest Man Alive: 3 2 1

Bi-derman: HEY NO MR. DAD IS JUST MY BOSS

Bi-derman: I MEAN MR STARK IS JUST MY DAD

Bi-derman: WHATEVER CINDY

Distinguished Bi: lmao

 


 

 B-Abe: I heard Spider-Man has an eight pack, that he’s shredded

Distinguished Bi: what the fuck

Bon Jovi: it's not a fucking lie he’s shredded

Bon Jovi: like dudes, I'm straight but when I saw Parker remove his top I think I became gay for 0.2 seconds because DAMN

(hacker voice) I’m in: yeah Peter is swole now and I don't hate it

Avril Lavigne: god damn it Peter stop being adorable I saw him saving a cat from a tree and the owners gave him a hotdog as thanks and he was wearing his mask but GOD I could see the sparkles and the smile

B-Abe: seeing the swoleness reminded me how fucking gay I am fuck

Mmm Whatcha J: you do realise this isn't the thirst Chat right

B-Abe: fuck

Distinguished Bi: FUCK

Bi-derman: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bi-derman: WHAT TF DO U MEAN THIRST CHAT

Avril Lavigne: we made a Chat thirsting over spides ages ago and it lives on

(hacker voice) I'm in: all hail the thirst Chat

Bi-derman: wait MJ how do you know about there being a thirst Chat

Mmm Whatcha J: no comment

 


 

 Mmm Whatcha J: this is a public callout post

Mmm Whatcha J: @Bi-derman stop staring

Bi-derman: IM NOT STARING AT HARRY’S ASS STOP ACCUSING ME OF SUCH S L A N D E R

Mmm Whatcha J: now how did you know I was talking about that hmm?

(hacker voice) I'm in: hmmm suspicious

Mmm Whatcha J: see this is why Ned is my best friend

(hacker voice) I'm in: <3

Mmm Whatcha J: friendship revoked

Bi-derman: press f to pay respects

Bon Jovi: f

Distinguished Bi: f

Fastest Man Alive: f

Avril Lavigne: f

B-Abe: press f to play despacito

Bon Jovi: FFFFFFF

B-Abe: [sent a link]

(hacker voice) I'm in: hey no this is a Peter call out post

(hacker voice) I'm in: Peter stop being horny on main

Bi-derman: NED

 


 

 Bi-derman: hey Karen who can i go to to block having feelings™

Avril Lavigne: what happened Peter

Bi-derman: literally the last two of my crushes have dad's who were villains

B-Abe: explain

Bi-derman: Liz- vulture, Harry- green goblin

B-abe: Oof

Avril Lavigne:

thats rough buddy

(hacker voice) I’m in: bro you’re safe with me, i have two moms

Bi-derman: o shit u rite

Bi-derman: guess im dating Ned now

 


 

 Avril Lavigne: hey @Bi-derman !

Bi-derman: yeah Sally?

[Bi-derman was renamed Sero Hanta]

Sero Hanta: HFKDKSKSKDKKS

(hacker voice) I'm in: I wasn't aware other people watched it omfg

Avril Lavigne: !!! You got the reference!!! Yesssssssss

Sero Hanta: you do not fucking know how much I died when I saw Sero’s quirk fjdkfksk

Avril Lavigne: peter:

Avril Lavigne:

(hacker voice) I’m in: he's anime Peter oh my god

Mmm Whatcha J: does that mean he's Sero Hanta Kin

Sero Hanta: MJ F U C K

Bon Jovi: god MJ don't fucking call him out like that, let the man live

Fastest Man Alive: who the fuck is Sero Hanta

Avril Lavigne: Flash you uncultured SWINE

Bon Jovi: hello 911, id like to report a murder?

Sero Hanta: hello this is 911

Sero Hanta: p e r i s h

 


 

 Sero Hanta: hey mr stark I know you’re in a mcmeeting but why are the other employees calling me stark junior

Sero Hanta: I know Thor and Loki call me tonyson but why are the others?????

Sero Hanta: mr stark?????

Distinguished Bi: why would he respond if he's in a meeting

Sero Hanta:

Sero Hanta: this isn't dms

Fastest Man Alive: nope

Sero Hanta: oh he’d answer immediately in a meeting, he uses any excuse to not pay attention

Distinguished Bi: really?

Distinguished Bi: also Ye sounds weird why'd they call you that?

Sero Hanta: HFKFKFKSKDKSL

Sero Hanta: I JUST ASKRD ONE OF YHEM AND THEY WENT

Sero Hanta: “wait you’re not Mr Stark’s son? He literally calls you his son all the time”

Distinguished Bi: lmaooo

Sero Hanta: you call the man Dad a couple times and now he fucking rubs it in

Sero Hanta: wait no I meant to delete that

Sero Hanta: FUCK HOW DO YOU DELETE MESSAGES

Fastest Man Alive: LMAO

 


 

 B-abe: @Sero Hanta @(hacker voice) I'm in are you actually two dating or

(hacker voice) I'm in: god I wish,,,, who wouldn't want to date a guy who can literally bench press you

Fastest Man Alive: me

(hacker voice) I'm in: ok but consider: you’re straight™

Fastest Man Alive: that's fair

Sero Hanta: um I should be saying that about u Ned cause like have you ever been hugged by Ned? It's an experience I look forward to all the time

(hacker voice) I'm in: Peter that's so sofyt

Sero Hanta: only for u bro

(hacker voice) I'm in: b r o

Sero Hanta: no homo

(hacker voice) I’m in: no homo

Mmm Whatcha J: its full homo and you know it

Sero Hanta: i mean,,,,,

[(hacker voice) I’m in was renamed full homo]

full homo: rude

Distinguished Bi: I thought he was dating MJ

Bon Jovi: uhhh I kinda thought he was with that Wakandan girl, I've seen like from insta them two chilling

Sero Hanta: Shuri?

Bon Jovi: Ye she

Sero Hanta: idk what to say, I'm a useless bisexual that gets a crush on anyone who’s nice to me

Sero Hanta: with exceptions because Groot is literally a tree and Harley is like a brother and why would u date a brother figure

Fastest Man Alive: wait no go back a bit what the fuck do you mean a literal tree

Sero Hanta: oh Groot’s one of the gotg

Sero Hanta: rocket was pissed that me and Shuri figured out his language really quick considering it took him like years

full homo: rocket’s the raccoon right

Sero Hanta: Ye

Mmm Whatcha J: Peter u haven't introduced me to Gamora yet

Sero Hanta: well I can't fucjing contact them when they’re fuck knows in space can I?

Mmm Whatcha J: clearly you’re not trying hard enough

full homo: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mmm Whatcha J: I thought you were bae, turns out you’re just fam

Sero Hanta: b r u h

 


 

 Sero Hanta: what the hell is this

Distinguished Bi: Peter?

Sero Hanta: ahhhh this is the group chat that wouldn't shut up with notifications when I was trying to get Pete to help me

Fastest Man Alive: um who the fuck are you

Sero Hanta: oh you know who I am

Distinguished Bi: holy s h i t

Sero Hanta: the avengers chat isn't this active but honestly thank fuck for that I don't think I could handle capsicle getting on at me for my job existent sleep schedule

Sero Hanta: Pete won't be online for a while, getting him to work on some stuff so don't distarsttcydydjdkkdsl

Sero Hanta: SORRY ABOUT THAT TONY WAS BEING A DICK

Fastest Man Alive: holy shit was that really Tony stark

Sero Hanta: yes but now the jokes on him, I'm only going to be playing meme music from fri for the rest of this lab sesh

Distinguished Bi: play we are number one pls

Distinguished Bi: and bi bi bi

Sero Hanta: ofc, what do you think I am? Straight?

Fastest Man Alive: wait there's an avengers group chat?

Sero Hanta: god don't remind me about it its hellish, you can't message past 10pm or Cap is like “you should be in bed” but good thing the PSAs have made me immune to him

Distinguished Bi: you’re in it????

Sero Hanta: uh yeah, during the infinity war fiasco Tony made me an avenger but like,,, it's not public til im 18 lmao

Distinguished Bi: oh my god

 


 

 Avril Lavigne: what I want to know is how we didn't figure out Peter was Spidey earlier because he literally just jumped the school fence in broad daylight yet no one paid any attention

Sero Hanta: I used my secret technique

Avril Lavigne: what

Sero Hanta: being a loser

Mmm Whatcha J: he finally admits it

Sero Hanta: the other response was that being bi makes me invisible but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Distinguished Bi: same worm

 


 

 B-Abe: [sent a link]

B-Abe: @everyone do it thots

full homo: if Peter doesn't get spiderman I will riot

Sero Hanta: knowing my luck I'll get cap or smth

B-Abe: I thought u liked cap

Sero Hanta: Ye he’s cool and all but after the civil war thing,,,, #teamironmanalltheway

full homo: but,,,, you were literally on team iron man,,,,, you are literally ride or die for iron man

Sero Hanta: exactly

Sero Hanta: besides he treats me like I'm smol, as if I haven't already kicked his ass and more

Mmm Whatcha J: we get it you stole his shield

full homo: and shot him in zee legs because his shield is zee size of a dinner plate and he’s an idiot

B-Abe: djkfksldks

B-Abe: but ok guys do the fucking quiz

B-Abe:

doc str

full homo: IM DYINGG

full homo:

rocket

full homo: HOW DID I GRT HIMD HFKFKSK

Fastest Man Alive: I,,,,

Fastest Man Alive:

spides

Fastest Man Alive: how????

[Fastest Man Alive was renamed Spidey Kin]

Sero Hanta: as spiderman himself, this makes me

Sero Hanta:

uncomfortable

Spidey Kin: as if this doesn't also make me feel uncomfortable Parker

Mmm Whatcha J: see, therefore proving he is, in fact, kin

Spidey Kin:

Spidey Kin:

blocked

Sero Hanta: you know what

Sero Hanta: I don't mind this answer

Sero Hanta:

quill

Sero Hanta: name bro name bro name bro

Sero Hanta: I wish I got Thor tho

Mmm Whatcha J: Peter we all know you you’re gay for Thor

Sero Hanta: who isn't gay for Thor though???

Fastest Man Alive: you all know I'm straight

Fastest Man Alive: but I'd still fuck Thor

Bon Jovi: same ^^^^

Bon Jovi:

black widow

Avril Lavigne:

thor

Avril Lavigne: can't believe this entire chat now wants to fuck me >;3c

 


 

 Sero Hanta: in rewatching unsolved I see that the Disappearance of Peter Quill episode is actually solved now and I don't know how to feel

Bon Jovi: no it's not??? Quill is still missing??????

Sero Hanta: ohhhh you only heard his ‘outlaw/hero name’ hhhhhh Peter Quill is Star Lord and he was abducted by aliens, we met during the Thanos incident

Distinguished Bi: HAHA RYAN WAS RIGHT FUCK YOU

Bon Jovi: jfc chill

B-Abe: man I wish Liz were here for this she loved unsolved

Distinguished Bi: alright hey uh don't fucking hate me @Sero Hanta

Sero Hanta: ???

[Distinguished Bi added 1 new member]

Liz Allen: Cindy why did you add me back again

Sero Hanta: ah ok that makes more sense now

Liz Allen: ok looking in the nicknames why is Peter’s name that?

Sero Hanta: fucking Yeet I guess, all y’all know and one other won't fucking hurt since I'm probably gonna go public in like a year or so anyways

Sero Hanta: it's me, ya boi, spiderman

Bon Jovi: oh my god why couldn't you say it normally FJDKDKKS

Liz Allen: oh

Liz Allen: ohhhhhhhhhhhh

Liz Allen: thats why you were apologising for seemingly no reason

Sero Hanta: yeahhhhhhhh

Liz Allen: ok, this helps in forgiving you but you are still on thin ice

Sero Hanta: noted

Liz Allen: so why was I added back?

B-Abe: help us convince Peter to go to unsolved and show them that Peter Quill is now #solved

Liz Allen: w h a t

Bon Jovi: Peter knows who/what/where Peter Quill is

Sero Hanta: yeah he's Star Lord

Sero Hanta: and if y'all gimme time to wait for when he's back on earth, get DNA results to prove he is Peter Quill and Tony’s permissions/influence to get on

B-Abe: holy shit are you actually gonna do it

///

Distinguished Bi: the absolute madman did it

Liz Allen: are they actually doing a livestream for this?????

Bon Jovi: “for the first time ever, Buzzfeed Unsolved becomes… Buzzfeed Solved” I'm gjdkdkalsl

Distinguished Bi: LOOK AT THEIR FACES LOOK AT HOW FUCKING PLEASED RYAN IS THDKKDKSKSLAK

B-Abe: did quill just out you as Spidey accidentally??????

Bon Jovi: “don't worry, we’re blocking your audio now so no one can hear you! We’re big fans too!!” Oh my god if I were Peter I'd be dying

Sero Hanta: bold of you to assume i'm not already dead

B-Abe: お前はもう死んでいる

Bon Jovi: 何?!

Liz Allen: oh my god what the hell did Quill get up to in space??? What he's saying sounds fake but oh my god the pictures he brought with him

Sero Hanta: [Sent an Image]

Sero Hanta: I STOLE A QUICK SELFIE BUT THEY FUCKING SAID I COULD GET A PROPER ONE LATER IM DYING IM DEAD

Bon Jovi: “(wheeze) you guys can't see him but Spidey just took the quickest fucking selfie and has this proud ass look on his face” god I wish that were me

Sero Hanta: time to fucking post this (with a photoshopped Spidey mask on ofc) to the Spidey insta god what is my life now

Distinguished Bi: OH MY GOD LOOK AT HOW FOND QUILL IS WHEN SPEAKING ABOUT HIS TEAM/GAMORA THATS AMAZING NEED ME A FREAK LIKE THAT

Distinguished Bi: actually no fuck him he just pulled out a zune that's not valid

B-Abe: “yeah this super high tech thing Kraglin gave me in space for music! It can hold over 300 songs!!!” Who's gonna tell him

Liz Allen: let the man live guys

 


 

 full homo: hey @Sero Hanta

Sero Hanta: ye

full homo: I think you may have made an itty bitty mistake last night

Sero Hanta: what did I do

Mmm Whatcha J: you posted a normal selfie of you on your Spidey insta

Sero Hanta: wait what

Sero Hanta: FUCK

Liz Allen: Michelle’s name

Mmm Whatcha J: MJ

Liz Allen: MJ’s name

Sero Hanta: this is it this is the worst timeline fuck Karen told me Tony is coming over fuck fuck fuck I'm off to die shit

Spidey Kin:

perish

Sero Hanta: FUCK YOU FLASH

B-Abe: oh my fucking god he fucking dead

Avril Lavigne: this is so sad can we get 100 likes?

full homo: at least u didn't put ur name in the post???

Sero Hanta: yes but consider people who know me will be like OWO and then that'll spread to everyone like OWO

Mmm Whatcha J: that's it Peter we’re breaking up

full homo: relationship with Peter ended, MJ is my sole partner now

Avril Lavigne: do we finally have an answer to the saga of are those three dating? Can we finally delete that theory chat? Is this mystery finally #solved?

Mmm Whatcha J: no we three aren't dating we just broke up with Peter can't you read

Avril Lavigne: sorry, Jared, 19

Sero Hanta: so Tony wants to host a press conference to help sort this out but uhhhhhh would I get copyrighted if I did a repeat of his whole “I am Iron Man” thing

Distinguished Bi: nah I think the iron dad would have a proud smile like “look at my boy he's following in my footsteps” and wipe a tear from his eye

Sero Hanta: sounds fake cause he doesn't want me to follow in his footsteps

Spidey Kin: welp Parker ur fucked the school page is already fucking filled

Sero Hanta:

guess ill die

Bon Jovi: we’re gathered here today to honour the death of Peter Parker, who accidentally yote his secret identity out the window and he himself followed suit shortly after

Bon Jovi: may his soul rest in peace and may we also get some f’s to pay respects

full homo: f

Liz Allen: f

Distinguished Bi: f

B-Abe: f

Mmm Whatcha J: f

Avril Lavigne: f

Spidey Kin: f

Bon Jovi: f

Sero Hanta: fuck you guys

full homo: buy us dinner first please Peter, god

Sero Hanta: i hate this fuckign family

 

Chapter Text

[Spidey Supporters Squad]

Sero Hanta: you know if there is one(1) good thing that came out of me outing myself is that I'm now verified on Twitter and insta like take THAT

full homo: jfc Peter

Liz Allen: well… that's one way to stay positive

Distinguished Bi: you better update ur CV to say “superhero” and shit

Sero Hanta: dw it has been

Sero Hanta: previous work experience: “I worked part time at Delmers when I was 14, oh, yeah, I'm also spiderman yeet”

Distinguished Bi: lizzzzz change ur name pls

Liz Allen: ok? I guess?

[Liz Allen was renamed Lizzy Maguire]

Lizzy Maguire: sorry my creativity is currently at -100 rn

full homo: well if that ain't a mood

 


 

[DM Liz Allen and Peter Parker]

Liz Allen: peter

Peter Parker: Liz?

Liz Allen: I think… that I have fully forgiven you

Liz Allen: for the homecoming incident

Liz Allen: I understand why you had to ditch me, as much as it hurt considering the circumstances. You were just being a hero and I can't fault you for doing your job

Peter Parker: woah

Peter Parker: Liz, you really didn't need to type all that. I would've been fine if you never forgave me because I know this put you in a rough situation that you didn't deserve so for that I'm sorry 

Peter Parker: it's also my fault it got to the level it did. If I just let Tony handle it when he was going to, I wouldn't of had to ditch homecoming but then he would've been caught earlier so you probably would've left earlier and

Liz Allen: Peter, it's ok, really

Liz Allen: I get it but… the past is in the past now

Peter Parker: I guess…

Liz Allen: we have an extended weekend this week at my school so my mom is taking us back to the city for the weekend, or at least to Brooklyn

Liz Allen: would you be open to hanging out?

Peter Parker: yeah! Totally!!

 


 

[Spidey Supporters Squad]

Sero Hanta: hey y'all want me to add Shuri to this chat she has been spamming me about wanting to meet my friends and won't shut up

Avril Lavigne: Shuri,,,, like princess Shuri???? Of Wakanda??

Sero Hanta: ye

Distinguished Bi:

Spidey Kin: Ye sure

Sero Hanta: k

[Sero Hanta added 1 new person]

Shuri Udaku: hi my name is chelsea

Shuri Udaku: what's your favourite dinner food

Mmm Whatcha J: the souls of the innocent

Avril Lavigne: a bagel

Mmm Whatcha J: noooooo

Avril Lavigne: two bagels

Shuri Udaku: mmm taste

Sero Hanta: hey boo ;*

Shuri Udaku: heyyyy ;*

Avril Lavigne: god I stan her

Shuri Udaku: ☞( ˵ ͡ᵔ ͜ʟ ͡ᵔ ˵) ☞

[Shuri Udaku was renamed Shuwuri]

Shuwuri: there we go

Mmm Whatcha J: you know what, Peter you are officially dumped, you and Shuri clearly belong together you furry owoing fucks

Sero Hanta: b-but Babe ;-; pwease don't weave me im begging you

Sero Hanta: besides we’re not furries

Mmm Whatcha J: then beg

Full homo: Peter u literally dress up as a spider, your fursona is a spider and Shuri is black panthers sister and could possibly become blank panther one day

Shuwuri: I mean fair

Sero Hanta: oh my god,,, am I a furry???

Spidey Kin: haha furry Parker

Distinguished Bi: flash u literally called yourself a furry since ur Peter kin

Spidey Kin: fuck you cindy

 


 

[Keeping up with the Starkdashians]

OG Child: it has come to my attention that father has gained another child

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: Stark needs to fucking chill he's got so many of you guys already

His Favourite: “you guys”

His Favourite: Shuri stop speaking as if you aren't one of us smh

OG Child: one of us

His Favourite: one of us

Space Lesbian: one of us

Space Lesbian: the raccoon informed me that Groot also said one of us when I showed him the message

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: well damn

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: so who's the new meat

[OG Child added 1 new person]

OG Child: meet Riri the newest of the Starkdashians

Riri Williams: so this is the chat Keener was speaking about

His Favourite: ye

His Favourite: we have a few questions

OG Child: what gathered our loving father’s attention to you

Riri Williams: I study at mit, recreated a functional ironman suit during my free time, Stark heard about it and here I am

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: ah valid

Riri Williams: who even are the other people in this chat I know keener obviously but

OG Child: well clearly I'm Harley Keener-Stark but u knew that already

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: I can't see him but I know Harley just dabbed

OG Child: *fingerguns*

His Favourite: I'm Peter Parker-Stark uwu

Riri Williams: human disaster, got it

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: Shuri Udaku-Stark, I guess??? If that's the route we’re going here?????

Riri Williams: your highness

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: ;))))

Space Lesbian: nebula

OG Child: *nebula stark

Riri Williams: cool blue alien lady

OG Child: that's it that's the family

Riri Williams: cool

His Favourite: next question how will you refer to dad

OG Child: you have father, Dad, stark, whatevs u want

Riri Willaims: I will refer to him by what I want to

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: final question, lgbt? Only if ur comfortable sharing ofc

Riri Williams: I'll take trans Lesbian for 200

OG Child: I thought u were American

His Favourite: welcome to the family Riri!

[Riri Williams was renamed Rihanna]

Space Lesbian: spider I have a question

His Favourite: what's up Nebula?

Space Lesbian: aren't your two friends also some of Stark’s “children”

His Favourite: they would be but nah, children in law ;))

OG Child: ;)))

Rihanna: ;))))

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: tbh the only shocking thing about this chat is that Nebula is chill staying in it and being/admitting to be one of the kids

Space Lesbian: when the other option was Thanos, I am content with being a Stark

Rihanna: fair enough

 


 

[Spidey Supporters Squad]

Sero Hanta: oh my god I can finally do that without having any problems with someone figuring out my identity

B-abe: what???

Sero Hanta: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

B-abe: I have,,, one fear

///

Sero Hanta: it is Wednesday my dudes

Shuwuri: aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sero Hanta: [sent a video]

B-abe: HOLY SHIT WORTH IT

Shuwuri: oh my god you finally did it,,, after a year of me telling you to do it,,, I can die happy now

Full homo: Peter ur back in the relationship

Sero Hanta: hell ye my master plan succeeded mwahahahaha

 


 

Distinguished Bi: my favourite part of the school day is the look on teacher's faces when Peter has to leave to do spidey shit like “god dammit not this shit again, Parker stop”

Bon Jovi: Peter how many times have you claimed to be needed as Spidey just to leave class

Sero Hanta: I'm disgusted and revolted that you would assume that of me how dare you accuse me of such slander against my good name sir

Bon Jovi: how many times

Sero Hanta: screencapped and emailed to my lawyer. She will have filed charges by tomorrow afternoon. By law we must allow you 48 hours to remove the offending material. If not, you will be charged with defamation of character, libel, and criminal mischief, all misdemeanour

Distinguished Bi: Peter

Bon Jovi: come on

Bon Jovi: how many times

Sero Hanta:

Sero Hanta: 5

Bon Jovi: knew it

Distinguished Bi: the teachers every single time:

Distinguished Bi:

oof

Bon Jovi: its tru and u should say it

 


 

Lizzy Maguire: I'm kind of curious but does Thor’s axe have the same properties as the hammer

Avril Lavigne: what do you mean?

Lizzy Maguire: does the axe have the same “only they who are worthy can lift it” or

Sero Hanta: nah, I've lifted it before when I was teaching Thor how to Yeet so it aint

Shuwuri: Peter there is a reason I made you teach him yeeting

Sero Hanta: I thought it was cause I had enhanced strength so it would go further

Shuwuri: nah I couldn't lift it

Sero Hanta: oh

Sero Hanta: ohh

Sero Hanta: fuck do u think I can walk up to Thor and demand a claim to the throne of Asgard

Lizzy Maguire: please don't you can barely handle your life as it is without added royal responsibilities as a king

Sero Hanta: I can't believe I was decimated by Liz utterly destroyed

Distinguished Bi: teacher: Peter hand in ur homework

Distinguished Bi: Peter: no I'm royalty

full homo: mj can u believe our boyfriend is royalty

Mmm Whatcha J: a royal pain in the ass

full homo: tru but at least he's cute

Mmm Whatcha J: I'll give you that

 


 

[DM Cindy Moon and Peter Parker]

Cindy Moon: hey Peter!

Peter Parker: hey Cindy! what's up?

Cindy Moon: I was just wondering why you were trying to kiss Ned upside down in the gym during lunch? I walked in to pick something up for Mr Harrington but…

Peter Parker: I wanted to try upside down kissing and MJ didn't want to be involved

Cindy Moon: ok? Why?? In the gym???

Peter Parker: don't kinkshame me in this good Christian household Cindy

Cindy Moon: HDJFKKSKAKAL P E T E R

 


 

[Spidey Supporters Squad]

B-Abe: guys I'm gonna Kermit

B-Abe: I just fucking,,,, dropped my fries on the ground,,,, all of them,,, didn't even get a single bite

Lizzy Maguire: oh no! I hope you managed to get another pack

B-Abe: I can't I'm b r o k e

B-Abe: this is it guess I'll die

full homo: what else can one do in the face of monumental loss but breathe a weary sigh, for the world is a little quieter now

Spidey Kin: why are you quoting some novel or something??? It's just fries

Distinguished Bi: rip Gene, who was French fries, he will be missed

Bon Jovi: the most compelling character in fiction, who is on par with Elizabeth Bennet, or Pumba from the Lion King

Spidey Kin: mmmm what the fuck

Mmm Whatcha J: eat them off the floor u coward

Shuwuri: is that shit from the hotdaga? I hate it so much smh

Distinguished Bi: you don't know true art Shuri

full homo: friendship is over, how can u not like the hotdaga it's critically acclaimed

Bon Jovi: I can't hear u shitting on the hotdaga over coming out of my shell by dr goondis

Spidey Kin: w

Spidey Kin: what are they talking about

Liz Allen: part of buzzfeed unsolved but,,,, I never watched the postmortems so I'm really confused,,,,,

full homo: I know Peter loves the hotdaga so now I can only picture him reading it and Shuri doing the Ryan™ face in response

Bon Jovi: you say Ryan™ face as if he doesn't experience all 5 stages of grief at once while he listens to it

Shuwuri: I stand by my statement the hotdaga SUCKS ASS

Bon Jovi: welL YOU CAN KISS MY BUNS

full homo: HDKFKDKSKSKSKS

Mmm Whatcha J: ur still a coward for not eating the fucking fries

[Bon Jovi was renamed Rip Gene may he rest in peace]

Shuwuri: Bast give me strength

Lizzy Maguire: charles isn't that redundant???

 


 

[Iron Fam]

Iron Aunt: Peter why couldn't you have checked which account you were on before you posted?

Iron Son: what happened???? Are you ok? Are you hurt? Shit where are you??? I'll get right there

Iron Aunt: relax Peter, i’m fine. I'm just getting swarmed a little because people recognise me as your aunt

Iron Aunt: sorry if my wording worried you, I should've phrased it better Pete

Iron Son: omg I'm so sorry I can tweet something so people stop harassing you???

Iron Uncle 2: if you need me to drive you anywhere so you can avoid the harassment, let me know May

Iron Aunt: thank you for the offer Happy

Iron Dad: I'm pretty sure May can keep care of herself, as if she didn't beat my ass after she found out about Peter

Iron Uncle: Tony has some serious fears and May is one of them

Iron Dad: how could you tell them rhodie-bear, my poor poor heart now they know

Iron Mom: I'm sorry to hear that you’ve been getting some unwanted attention May

Iron Aunt: it's fine Pepper, really

Iron Mom: regardless, would you like to get some lunch with me tomorrow? We can discuss how we can avoid these issues

Iron Aunt: okay I'll meet with you, let me know the time and place!

Iron Mom: of course

Iron Dad: ouch abandoned

Iron Aunt: don't kid yourself Tony we have lunch every Tuesday

Iron Mom: I'm literally your wife

Iron Dad: true true

Iron Son: p u r e

Iron Uncle: chill Peter

Iron Uncle: anyways, I'm in town again tomorrow so I can show you the new moves I promised you since I didn't get time for the last time we did lessons

Iron Son: HELL YE

Iron Dad: lmao

Iron Son: please never type that again that's so wrong

Iron Dad: oof, you really snatched my weave Peter, ur blocked and reported

Iron Son: dad s t o p

Iron Son: wait shit no go back no I didn't mean to type that

Iron Aunt: also while I remember! You are all free to come for dinner tomorrow so you better be there :)

Iron Uncle: that smile would’ve threatened me enough to turn up if I wasn't planning to agree anyways

///

Iron Son: WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE DOING A FUCKING TALK AT MY SCHOOL WHAT THE FUCK RHODEY THIS IS TRUE BETRAYAL

Iron Uncle: lol

Iron Son: S T O P

Iron Dad: watch your fucking language

Iron Aunt: this house is a fucking nightmare

Iron Mom: I always wondered where Peter got his language from

Iron Uncle: I see your question got answered then pep

Iron Uncle 2: I take it that I don't need to pick Peter up after school then? Thanks for letting me know in advance Tony

Iron Mom: don't worry, he forgot to let you know because he is still grinning from being called dad, even though it's happened too many times to count and he has several children

Iron Dad: p e p

Iron Son: p e p p e r n o

 


 

[Keeping up with the Starkdashians]

His Favourite: @Space Lesbian FJDKSKKALADLSK

Space Lesbian: what is it

His Favourite: U AND MANYIS JFKSKDK AMAZING BIG STAN

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: waIT WHAT

Space Lesbian: I fail to see why it is a reason for the way you are reacting

OG Child: WAIT WHATS THE TEA

His Favourite: RIGHT SO U KNOW THE GUARDIANS CAME ROR A VISIT RIGHT

His Favourite: OUR BELOVED BLUE SISTER WALKS OUT HOLDING MANTIS’S HAND

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: OMG YESSSSSSSS LIVING UP TO YOUR NAME

His Favourite: AND THEN MANTIS KISSED HER CHEEK FJFKSK AMAZING

Rihanna: 20gayteen strikes again

OG Child: I would like to thank not only god, but Ariana Grande for this

Rihanna: why are you thanking Ariana Grande twice

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: because she’s worth it

Space Lesbian: I believe you are all taking this too far

OG Child: I think you mean not far enough

Space Lesbian:

[Space Lesbian left the chat!]

Rihanna: iconic, the lesbian icon we deserve

 


 

Pepper Potts (@peppotts)
Hello I am morosexual, attracted to morons and morons exclusively

@officialspides replied
1)proud of the meme 2)what did Tony do this time

@peppotts replied
He, in his sleep deprived state, asked what kind of animal the pink panther is and I immediately planned our next date. That's my husband. I love him.

@warmachine replied
True love

 


 

[Iron fam]

Iron Son: uhhhhh @Iron Dad

Iron Dad: what's up pete

Iron Son: I uhhhhh may have adopted a kid

Iron Dad: w h a t

Iron Uncle: Jesus I knew the kid was gonna follow in your footsteps Tones but not like this

Iron Aunt: Peter no

Iron Son: Peter y e s

Iron Uncle 2: since no one else is asking the important question: why?

Iron Son: so I was helping this freshman and his friend with their studying, yeah?

Iron Son: and by the end of the study session I had a son

Iron Son: congrats Tony u r now a grandfather

Iron Dad: I'm not old enough for this shit

Iron Mom: Peter no

Iron Son: his name is Miles and I've only known him for a day and if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself

Iron Dad: please don't

Iron Aunt: please don’t Peter

Iron Uncle: then die

Iron Son: SHDKSKSKKDKS

Iron Son: do u think I could teach him to be the next Spidey

Iron Dad: PLEASE DONT

Iron Uncle 2: I refuse to be the baby sitter to another kid

 


 

[Spidey Supporters Squad]

B-Abe: Happy new year y’all

[Spidey Supporters Squad was renamed 20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Sero Hanta: fuck yeah we finally get our time to shine y'all

Shuwuri: I for one accept our new bi overlords

Distinguished Bi: thank you Shuri, we will ensure you have a good place when we take over the world

Shuwuri: uwo

Full homo: we got good shit in 20gayteen let's hope 20biteen continues to give and give with the LGBT content

Mmm Whatcha J: rt

Distinguished Bi: Peter u are now literally a bicon, buzzfeed has listed u as the top one in honour of 20biteen

Sero Hanta: F U C K Y E A H

 


 

Peter Parker (@officalspides)
I is a bored gen z so of course I made my own vine comp here and here is a preview of one
[Video of Peter walking towards Harley, who was on the sofa. Peter shot a web at Harley, who fell off the sofa in shock
Harley: “this is why dad doesn't FUCKING love you!”]

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Sero Hanta: hey guys did you know that Tony and my aunt had a secret affair which resulted in my birth, during which he cheated on Pepper -whom he was using to cheat on Steve, who was also seeing Bucky at the time,- which caused them to split up and Tony is now pursuing Dr Strange to get over the tragic break up

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: hey what the actual fuck

Sero Hanta: just letting you know the truth because the Bugle’s word is l a w

B-Abe: so many things about that are wrong on so many levels

Spidey Kin: what the fuck

Sero Hanta: um? Wrong? I think you mean absolutely correct

Full homo: I can 100% attest to the fact this is correct

Sero Hanta: see? Ned is the only one I can fucking trust

Mmm Whatcha J: what am I? Chopped liver?

Full Homo: perish

Sero Hanta: MJ

Mmm Whatcha J: yeah ok I literally don't care lol

B-Abe: tbh I gotta admire the bugle’s creativity? That is really something

B-Abe: Do u think they were high

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: haha blaze it

B-Abe: I'll take that as yes, thanks for the support bro

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: I gotcha

Spidey Kin: I feel like even if you were high you couldn't come up with that

///

Lizzy Maguire: PETER WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: PETER YOU ABSOLUTE MADMAN A LEGEND FUCKING YOU DECIMATED THEM SINGLEHANDEDLY MURDERED THEM

Avril Lavigne: WAIT WHAT DID HE DO

Lizzy Maguire: BUGLE STOPS HIM FOR AN INTERVIEW AND MIDWAY THROUGH THEY GO

Lizzy Maguire: “WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO THE SLANDEROUS COMMENTS ON YOUR PERSON ABOUT YOU BEING BISEXUAL”

Lizzy Maguire: AND HE JUST

Lizzy Maguire: FINDS A BOY THAT LOOKS OUR AGE AND MAKES OUT WITH HIM

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: “I SWING BOTH WAYS BABYYYYY” WITH THE BI FINGER GUNS

Avril Lavigne: THE CHAOTIC ENERGY HOLY FUCK

Mmm Whatcha J: before anyone worries, though doubtful, me and Ned are chill with him kissing another guy. I will 100% excuse that in the reasoning of taking down homophobic fuckheads

Mmm Whatcha J:

ur doing amazing sweetie

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: o h m y g o d

Sero Hanta: I did also ask if it was ok to kiss him, consent is important, even when I'm going to d e s t r o y

Sero Hanta: OH MT FOD I GOT TEARS IN MY EYES KAREN JUST READ OUT A TECT FROM TONY LIKE “GOOD JOB SON” HELP I HAVE MCFEELINGS

 


 

[Hetero? What's that idk her]

Fuck Labels: Peter

Bicon: yeah?

Fuck Labels: it's half three in the morning why aren't you asleep

Me me big gay: come on Peter, you’ve been up for like 40 hours that ain't healthy

Bicon: you don't think I don't know that?

Bicon: besides why are you two up???

Fuck Labels: I'm making signs for the protest happening today

Me me big gay: practicing coding because I want to try apply for a tech/coding internship

Me me big gay: but Peter it's different, you’ve been out patrolling a shit ton more ever since you revealed yourself so you’ve been sleeping less

Bicon: so??

Fuck Labels: we’re saying we’re worried your gonna hurt yourself when you’re patrolling because you aren't taking a break

Bicon: I'm fine, I've been taking power naps and coffee

Me me big gay: honey I know you want to be like mr Stark a lot but please do not follow in his footsteps in this regard

Me me big gay: he said he wanted you to be better than him so take care of yourself before you get into bad habits

Fuck Labels: now, I've finished my signs. I'm gonna come over to your apartment, I'm going to pick Ned up on the way, we are going to put on one of your loser movies and we are going to hug until you sleep and we aren't leaving until you have had 9 hours sleep

Me me big gay: ^^^^ exactly, I'm gonna sneak the fluffiest blankets from home to get to you

Bicon: oh my god guys you don't have to do this

Fuck Labels: we know

Me me big gay: we’re doing this because we love and care about you Peter <333

Fuck Labels: that

Me me big gay: mj do it

Fuck Labels: no it'll ruin my image

Me me big gay: michelle

Fuck Labels: ugh fine

Fuck Labels: <3

Bicon: oh my god I

Bicon: guys

Me me big gay: we love you Peter

Bicon: I love you guys too, sorry for concerning you

Fuck Labels: it's alright but if you do it again there will be consequences

Bicon: I have,,, one fear

[Group Call has been started!]

[Join Call?]

“Why are you guys calling?” Peter asked before a yawn broke the surface.

“Dude, you sound exhausted. We’re definitely coming over.” Ned responded. Peter could hear him silently sneaking through his house, getting everything before heading over to Peter’s. “I'm calling so I don't feel alone while waiting for MJ to pick me up.”

“You’re seriously risking getting in trouble for sneaking out over this?”

“Of course we are. We love you Peter.”

“I love you too.”

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

B-Abe: PRIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH

Sero Hanta: PRIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH

Distinguished Bi: P R I D E M O N T H

Shuwuri: pride month!

Avril Lavigne: !!! That's awesome guys! Are you planning on taking part in the parade they do?

B-Abe: ofc, we be rolling as a squad

Shuwuri: r u gon roll with the avengers since they have a float Peter

Sero Hanta: Ye the gayvengers have a float

Avril Lavigne: oh that's so cool! Who’s all on it?

Sero Hanta: me, Tony, Brunn, Thor, Loki, Dr Banner, Nat are the confirmed

Sero Hanta: there are ones invited but they either haven't confirmed or aren't publicly out yet but I'll let you know if any others confirm!

Distinguished Bi: nice nice NICE

B-Abe: that's so god damn valid

Shuwuri: I'm going to get myself into the spirit

[Shuwuri was renamed Pan-ther]

Distinguished Bi: eyyyyy

Pan-ther: eyyyyyyyy

B-Abe: the avengers: gay rights!

///

Sero Hanta: I have the upgaytes

Spidey Kin: oh my god please stop with the puns I can't take this anymore

Sero Hanta: big oof

Sero Hanta: anyways, Dr Strange, Mr America and Bucky have confirmed

Full homo: oh nice

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: niiiice

Spidey Kin: why do u call him Mr America

Sero Hanta: because it's funny

Spidey Kin: ok I guess???

 


 

[Iron Fam]

Iron Dad: @Iron Aunt I officially disown Peter he is fully your responsibility again, he is no longer the heir to stark industries

Iron Aunt: what did he do

Iron Dad: we were doing some training exercises, he shot a web, swung, let go too early, fell, slid for a couple meters, stopped, turned to face me and said with a completely straight face

Iron Dad: “guess I'm sliderman now”

Iron Aunt: @Iron Son Peter u r officially disowned @Iron Uncle he’s yours now

Iron Uncle: they are losers anyways, Pete I thought that was hilarious

Iron Son: good to see I am appreciated for my genius by someone

Iron Son: wait no go back what the fuck do you mean heir to stark industries

[Iron Dad is now offline!]

Iron Son: Tony don't you dare go offline I swear to god what the hell did you mean

[Iron Aunt is now offline!]

Iron Son: m a y

Iron Uncle 2: well…

Iron Son: h a pp y

Iron Uncle 2: … as you so frequently say

Iron Uncle 2: Yeet

[Iron Uncle 2 is now offline!]

Iron Son: traitors the lot of you

 


 

[DM Unknown and Peter Parker]

Unknown: um? Is this Peter Parker?

Peter Parker: yes? Who is this

Unknown: I'm uh, miles. Miles morales? You helped me and my friend study a bit back

Peter Parker: oh!!! Heya! How’d u get my number

[Peter Parker saved Unknown’s number as Miles Morales!]

Miles Morales: I asked your boyfriend Ned, I think?

Peter Parker: ahhhh ok

Peter Parker: so what's up? Do you want me to help you study again?

Miles Morales: uhhh sorta?

Miles Morales: look this is gonna sound really weird but uh

Miles Morales: [sent an image]

Miles Morales: how do I unstick??

Peter Parker:


///

[DM Tony Stark and Peter Parker]

Peter Parker: heyyyyy Tony uhhh you know that kid that I said I adopted and was joking like “hey what if I could teach him to be the next spidey”

Tony Stark: … yes

Tony Stark: what the fuck did you do

Peter Parker: he uhhhhhhhhhh

Peter Parker: ruh roh raggy we have another one

Tony Stark: motherfucker

 

Chapter Text

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Spidey Kin: alright so who tf is the new person acting as Spidey????

Mmm Whatcha J: aw are you jealous that there are now three of you

Spidey Kin: OH MY GOD WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THAT

Sero Hanta:

kin drama!!


[Spidey Kin was renamed FUCK YOU MJ!]

Mmm Whatcha J: never

FUCK YOU MJ: but yeah who is the new guy

Sero Hanta: I would say that's my son™ but he said I'm more like a weird uncle so Yeehaw I guess

FUCK YOU MJ: yeah but like, who

Sero Hanta: dude I'm not gonna out my nephew like that, he is only a smol boi and I’d die for him

Sero Hanta: I didn't want my identity out in the open and neither does he

Mmm Whatcha J: you will

FUCK YOU MJ: that's the most fucking ominous thing I've read all day

Sero Hanta: finally the sweet release of death

 


 

Avril Lavigne: so like, who’s the gayest avenger

Sero Hanta: I mean I'd have to go for thor/Bruce since they canon king but idk

Mmm Whatcha J: thulk

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: thrussy

Sero Hanta: if it weren't for my moral alignment would have slaughtered you

Avril Lavigne: don't you mean laws?

Sero Hanta: screw the law I was a vigilante

Sero Hanta: but no murder in this boi

Avril Lavigne: *slaps roof of peter* this boi can fit so little murder in him

Distinguished Bi: anyways, so like speaking of thulk,,,, how much would it take to get into the Banner-Odinson wedding?

Sero Hanta: uhhhhh I could not tell you tbh, would have to ask them if they'd be ok for u to go but idk

Sero Hanta: I mean Thor would probably be 100% chill with it but Dr Banner might not be, especially since this second wedding is more with human traditions than asgardian traditions

Avril Lavigne: wait wait wait second wedding?!?!

Sero Hanta: oh, yeah

Sero Hanta: to be fair we only found out about the first one because I saw them making out in Tony’s lab and Loki spilled the tea

Avril Lavigne: oh my god

Sero Hanta: actually I will try my hardest to get u guys in because I think everyone deserves to see Brunn officiating a wedding no one wants to miss that

Distinguished Bi: I have no idea who brunn is but I know I immediately stan them

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: maybe then you can finally let us talk to Thor since you so RUDELY cockblocked us back at the field trip u dick

Avril Lavigne: OH YEAH PETER U OWE US THAT AT LEAST

///

Full Homo: alright I think I figured it out

Full Homo:

meme

Full Homo: mj is in the middle because she would murder anyone of us regardless of laws and the likes

Mmm Whatcha J: you are absolutely correct

 


 

Mmm Whatcha J: I feel starkids malfoy in my soul

Lizzy Maguire: clearly that's false as I have never seen you dramatically roll on the floor

Mmm Whatcha J: you haven't seen me in about two years, you don't know shit

B-Abe: she's lying she only recently achieved the ability to show three(3) emotions on her face

Mmm Whatcha J: fuck you

 


 

Distinguished Bi:

tea

Distinguished Bi: Ultimate callout post

Avril Lavigne: about half of those went through my head when thinking of a response

Distinguished Bi: the gen z dictionary is just those words and vine references and that's most of it

Avril Lavigne: tea

 


 

[Hetero? What's that idk her]

Bicon: oh my god I just had the greatest idea of my l i f e

Fuck Labels: is this a Spider-Man idea or a Peter idea

Bicon: yes

Me me big gay: oh no I am excited and also terrified

Bicon: watch insta in like a week

///

Me me big gay: [sent an image]

Me me big gay: I'm half convinced you actually did human transmutation because holy fuck Peter

Me me big gay: how the fuck

Bicon: you like it?

Me me big gay: hhhhhhh

Fuck Labels: I suppose it's good

Me me big gay: she's lying she almost had a jaw drop when she saw it

Bicon: nice

Bicon: so would y'all consider

Fuck Labels: no we are not cosplaying winry and ling, as much as ned would make a great winry, no

Bicon: awwww come on

Fuck Labels: for starters if I ever did cosplay, it would be someone like Lieutenant Hawkeye or General Armstrong

Fuck Labels: winry is great but,, riza hawkeye, general Armstrong

Bicon: ok both of those are valid and I totally understand, have a good day

Fuck Labels: don't tell me what to do

Me me big gay: I would've picked mustang

Bicon: you are both valid

///

Peter_Parcosplay
82 posts | 32.8k followers | 210 following
View Story?

“Hey guys! I'm Peter and welcome to Jackass! Well, no but I'm here at NYCC today premiering my Edward Elric cosplay and I've brought my buddy Alphonse with me!” Peter announced to his phone, lightly patting the armour standing tall beside him. “Karen, protocol Al.”

With that, the armour started to move about, seemingly on its own.

“So, my personal mission today is to find every single Spider-Man cosplayer and get a picture with them. I will also see how long it takes them to realise that it's me! Update y'all later!”

---

“Update!” Peter cheered, spinning his camera to focus on the group behind him, who all waved. Their accounts were all tagged in the story. “I've had someone almost faint when they checked out Al over there when they saw it was, in fact, empty.”

“That was super freaky man!” A boy in a Captain America cosplay groaned.

“To be fair, that would've freaked me the fuck- oh shit- uh- that would've freaked me too man.”

“Check out all the people tagged on this one! They’re all awesome! More updates to come!”

---

“Congrats to…”

“Susie!” The girl wearing a Juvia cosplay grinned, flashing a peace sign at Peter’s phone.

“Susie for being the first one to correctly guess that I'm the real Spidey! I need to figure out how to reward you…”

“Dude the fact I got to meet you is reward enough.”

“Aw come on, I insist!”

“Oh my god.”

---

“Guys there's a… there's a Spider-Man train happening and to be honest I really wanna join in but I'm not Spidey here…” Peter complained as he videod a long train of Spider-Man jogging through the convention hall.

“Oh shit is that one in Bi colours? I gotta find ‘em!”

---

“I found Bi-derman!” Peter cheered, showing a flustered person behind him, covering their cheeks slightly. “I really loved it, it's the most canon spider suit I've seen all day.”

“O-oh, um, thanks dude.”

“No prob Daya! Make sure to check out their insta to appreciate Bi-derman!”

---

“I'm glad I was able to get my arm past security cause I wasn't quite sure but since it's Eva foam I figured it wouldn't be too bad but I was worried because- Al, hold my phone!” Peter announced, passing his phone into the suit’s hands which held the phone still. “Because of this!”

Peter teasingly clapped his hands together before sliding his left hand along the ‘automail’, causing a foam blade to emerge from the end.

“Cool, right?!”

Peter grabbed his phone and just before he clicked end video, a distant cry of “holy shit!” Was heard.

---

“Y'all wanna know the realist biphobia? Neither my girlfriend OR boyfriend would cosplay with me. Truest betrayal.” Peter grumbled, sipping a juice box as he sat down at the edge of one of the halls. “So callout post for @nedintheleeds and @itsmjbitch for not joining me. They didn't even have to cosplay fma to come but nooo they said nooooo. Bitches.”

---

Picture of Peter and another Ed cosplayer pointing at each other, the other Ed’s account tagged underneath them.

---

Boomerang of a large squad of Fullmetal Alchemist cosplayers, Peter in the centre since he's holding the camera.

---

Peter is giggling as he points the camera at a Winry cosplayer standing next to the Alphonse armour.

“This boy can fit so many fucking cats in him.” She said, slapping the highest point of the armour she could reach.

Peter dissolved into fullblown cackles.

---

“Hey guys, this is probably the last update I have for today, I'll continue with my cosplay tomorrow for day 2- I bet you will never guess who I'm cosplaying. Seeyas!”

---

Follow this account?

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Sero Hanta: aside from like the obvious (Miss Danvers, Thor, etc)

Sero Hanta: the only one who can stop me is Shaggy

Pan-ther: Shaggy wouldn't even have to use 1% of his power to defeat you

B-Abe: yes but Shaggy is a god, us mere mortals cannot even fathom his power

Sero Hanta: rt

Full Homo: I know no god, only shaggy

Pan-ther: that's because shaggy killed them

B-Abe: I bet it was shaggy that killed Thanos

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: you won't believe the theory I have about how they took down grapeman

Pan-ther: with a clickbait title like that I gotta ask

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: ok so, ant-man right

Pan-ther: actually no I don't want to hear it

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: ur loss

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: anyways tag urself in the Scooby gang I'm velma

B-Abe: fuck you im Velma

Pan-ther: well I'm expecting Peter to say Fred or shaggy now

Sero Hanta: bitch I'm daphne

Pan-ther: god that is so fucking valid

Sero Hanta: you’re scrappy

Pan-ther: oh fuck you with the sharp end of a spear

Sero Hanta: that's not valid

 


 

[DM: Miles Morales and Peter Parker]

Miles Morales: Peter the weirdest thing just happened

Peter Parker: oh no

Peter Parker: weirder than getting bit by a radioactive spider and getting super powers?

Peter Parker: Which honestly, it happening once is weird enough but twice?!

Miles Morales: weirder

Peter Parker: oh jeez

Miles Morales: so uh, two spider-people from another dimension ended up in our dimension for a bit, I bumped into them?

Peter Parker: w h a t

Miles Morales: one of them was m e

Peter Parker: excuse my French but what the actual fuck

Miles Morales: apparently we’re in dimension Earth-199999?

Miles Morales: other miles was Earth-1610, Gwen was Earth-65

Peter Parker: I'm so confused i don't know whats happening

Miles Morales: title of your sex tape

Miles Morales: apparently there are so many different Peter Parker’s who are Spider-Man

Miles Morales: they also said they’ll come and visit again someday so yay I guess

Peter Parker: :0

Miles Morales: there is even “spider-ham”

Peter Parker: holy shit my friends were right one does exist

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

B-Abe: yo Peter Parker was just fourteen when oscorp built a very strange machine
It was designed to mess with some genes

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: he's gonna catch them all cause he's spiderma-an

B-Abe: when the spider didn't show
The field trip just quit
Then Peter took a look around for it
A great big bite and his world got changed
His molecules were all rearranged!

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: SPIDEY SPIDEY

B-Abe: when he first woke up he realised
He had a six pack and he grew in size
He could climb up walls, sling a web to fly
He was much more unique than the other guys
It was then that he knew what he had to do
He had to stop all the villains that were coming through
He’s here to fight for me AND YOU

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: he's gonna catch em all cause he's spiderman gonna catch em all cause he's spiderman
Gonna catch em all cause he's
Spiderman

Mmm Whatcha J: guys its four in the fucking morning what the fuck are you on

B-Abe: actually you know what we made that for shits and giggles but it would fit really well for us

B-Abe: like Peter is Danny, Ned is Tucker, MJ is sam

B-Abe: the villains are the ghosts obvs, the new spider guy is Dani, Norman osborn is vlad, Liz is paulina, Harry is Valerie and flash is dash

B-Abe: THE LAST ONE EVEN RHYMES

FUCK YOU MJ: I wish I turned my notifications off I have #regrets

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: OP UR MIND

Mmm Whatcha J: sometimes I wonder why I stick around here

Mmm Whatcha J: but now I remember why

Mmm Whatcha J: so I can burn this fucker to the ground

///

Pete Parkour (@officialspides)
If any of y'all wanna know what my friends are like? Here you go:
[screenshot of the parody song and the rest of the conversation]

@thatssovalid replied
> I know this was made as a joke but honestly I'd watch it

@phantom replied
> S A M E where *clap emoji* is *clap emoji* the *clap emoji* au *clap emoji*

@sooptime replied
> Apparently the 4am mood strikes again because I sang it here

@outtastylez replied
> THATS SO VALID GUESS WHAT MY NEW RINGTONE IS

@sooptime replied
> JFKFKKSKSLA

@ultimatechairguy replied
> How dare they not include me in making this parody I could've helped I am #betrayed

 


 

Spidey Watch (@spider_man_watch)
A short clip from the battle Spider-Man, Iron Man and Captain America fought today!
[Video of Peter going up again a giant spider
Transcript
Spider: -shows up-
Peter: you! You son of a bitch! How are you still alive? I saw you go down that drain, there's no way you could've survived that!
Spider:
Peter: you sly bastard I never would've thought of that
Steve: hey Tony, does he actually understand spiders or is he messing with all of us?
Tony: knowing Peter, it might very well be both
Peter: I still have that bite you gave me, I've been meaning to give it back]

@spiderSTAN replied
> Oh my god why is he such a fucking meme, an icon

@bigfuckingweeb replied
> wait did he quote the sao abridge?????? IS HE A WEEB??? THIS IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION I MUST KNOW

@BonelessBizza replied
> @officialspides ARE YOU A WEEB DO U LIKE ANIME

@officialspides replied
> uhhhh yeah?

@SPIDEYISAWEEB replied
> THIS IS THE GREATEST NEWS IVE EVER RECEIVED FJKJFD

///

[The Justice League]

Murica: Peter, can you please confirm whether you can or cannot speak to spiders?

Fe: do you really think Pete would confirm it?

Smol-derman: :3

Smolest-man: I mean there was that time that he brought in that tarantula

Smol-derman: oh yeah I forgot about that

Fe: uh what

Bom bom bom green giant: you weren't there Tony

Bom bom bom green giant: I don't think I could even begin to explain that entire situation

Murica: So can you confirm whether he has that ability?

Bom bom bom green giant: I can neither confirm or deny this fact as I swore to Peter I wouldn't

Smol-derman: >:3

Fe: first you don't tell me about you and Thor, now this????

Fe: Bruce I thought we were bros

Bom bom bom green giant: revengers stick together Tony, sorry

Fe: bitch

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Full Homo: GUYS GUYS I FOUND THE WILDEST THING

FUCK YOU MJ: what counts as wild because after all the shit we’ve seen it's going to have to be huge

Full Homo: IT IS WILD

Full Homo: [sent a link

Full Homo: THERE IS FANFICTION OF PETER AND USFJDJKSKSK

FUCK YOU MJ: woah what the actual fuck

Lizzy Maguire: how did you even come across this?

Full Homo: so I was looking for Star Wars fan fiction and there was an au that had all the avengers in it (which I have bookmarked cause Star Wars au??? Fuck yeah) and it also tagged Peter apparently so I clicked on the tag and went down the rabbit hole

FUCK YOU MJ: oh my god I don't even know where to fucking start on this

Lizzy Maguire: flash:

Lizzy Maguire:

mulaney

 


 

[Keeping up with the Starkdashians]

Rihanna: so you know how the Internet jokes that Thor is the god of lesbians

His Favourite: yep

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: yeah?

Rihanna: well I think that's real because we literally were walking down the street the other day when I visited Stark and I got numbers from three different girls

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: the true lesbian ally

Rihanna: I think I need to hang out with him more

Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri: oh worm?

Space Lesbian: Thor is the one with the large axe correct?

His Favourite: yup that's Thor!

Space Lesbian: I see

Rihanna: what's your opinion on this as a fellow lesbian

Space Lesbian: it was when Thor paid us guardians a visit that me and Mantis decided to try “dating” so I say that there may be some evidence behind it

[Yes you count as one of the kids Shuri’s was renamed We Stan Thor, God of Lesbians!]

His Favourite: I feel so bad lying to Tony when he asks who my favourite is because I say it's him but in reality it's Thor

We Stan Thor, God of Lesbians: don't we all have Thor as our favourite? You’re lying if you say Thor isn't your favourite

Rihanna: after that excursion I will cement Thor as my favourite

Space Lesbian: he's tolerable

///

[DM: Tony Stark and Peter Parker]

Tony Stark: so what's this about Thor being your favourite, not me

Peter Parker:

whaT THE FUCK

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Full Homo: the new Pokemon starters: go

Sero Hanta: babe you know I love the water types so I stan sobble through and through

B-Abe: that is the correct answer Peter 

Sero Hanta: fuck ye

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: uhhh dudes you are so wrong clearly scorbunny is the way to go you fools

Avril Lavigne: ^^^^

Distinguished Bi: you fools, grookey all de weh

Full Homo: don't you bring your outdated memes in this chat

Distinguished Bi: do u kno de weh to best gaem?

Distinguished Bi: by choosing fucking grookey

Lizzy Maguire: oh no

Sero Hanta: let's go guys, behind denny’s at 3am, let's fucking go

Full Homo: you do realise that you’ll win because

Full Homo: y'know

Full Homo: thwip thwip

Lizzy Maguire: Peter you legally can only refer to yourself as thwip thwip man from now on

[Sero Hanta was renamed Thwip Thwip!]

Thwip Thwip: ( ͡° ω ͡° )

///

I Will Die For Spidey (@ijustneedanapsmh)
Can someone explain why @thwipthwipman changed his @ from officialspides to that?

@ultimatechairguy replied
> ( ͡° ω ͡° )

@thwipthwipman replied
> ( ͡° ω ͡° )

@abeeeeeee replied
> ( ͡° ω ͡° )

@sallywally replied
> ( ͡° ω ͡° )

@ijustneedanapsmh replied
> What does this mean I'm quaking

 


 

[The Justice League]

Smol-derman:

Murica: What.

Murica: Peter Parker would you care to explain yourself.

Smol-derman:

Smol-derman: id really rather not

Murica: It wasn't a question.

Smol-derman: well I mean you framed it as a question

Original Spider: I'm almost afraid to ask

Falchion: oh man

Smol-derman: whelp guess I'll fucking die

[Smol-derman has left the chat!]

Murica: Be mindful of your language.

Birb: aaaand he's gone

Sting Sting Bitch: I have so many questions that I don't know if I want the answer to them

///

[Hetero? What's that idk her]

Bicon: GUYS PLEASE JUST FUCKING MURDER ME ITD BE A M E R C Y

Bicon: I JUST TOLD THE ACTUAL CAPTAIN AMERICA THAT I WAS HORNY

Fuck Labels: HA

Me me big gay: OH NO

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Distinguished Bi: we’re meeting up for decathlon today right?

Mmm Whatcha J: yeah that's right, you all better be on time

Avril Lavigne: I have to stay behind to discuss my Lit. essay topic idea with Miss. Fernandez

Mmm Whatcha J: that's forgiven, come along as soon as you can

Distinguished Bi: haha you loser

Avril Lavigne: go fuck yourself

Distinguished Bi: fuck me yourself you coward

B-Abe: ooooooooOOOOOOOOH

B-Abe: Cindy that's the most bde you’ve ever exuded I'm proud

Distinguished Bi: thank u ;***

Avril Lavigne: I don't know how to feel????

Distinguished Bi:

Avril Lavigne: ?!?!!!?!!

 


 

[DM: Cindy Moon and Peter Parker]

Peter Parker: so Cindy I have an idea for your birthday

Cindy Moon: what

Peter Parker: meet me tomorrow at Central Park at two

Cindy Moon: this is so suspicious I'm quaking

///

Cindy Moon: NO FUCKING WAY IS THAT THOR AND THE WASP?!?!!?

Peter Parker: ellen voice: so i heard how much you love thor and the wasp

Cindy Moon: omg ellen you shouldn't have

Cindy Moon: PETER WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE FUCK WHAT

Peter Parker: ehhh you mentioned recently they were your two faves, aside from me of course, so yeet i decided to get u a meet up

Peter Parker: also Thor can get u a girlfriend

Cindy Moon: IM FJDKKSKSLSKAKLA

///

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Distinguished Bi: FUCK ALL OF YOU THIS IS THE BEST TIMELINE I CANT BELIEVE THIS

 


 

B-Abe: and yeah sometimes I just want to get rawed by sasuke

Lizzy Maguire: was that meant to be sent here or was that a wrong number situation or just a meme

B-Abe: yes

[B-Abe was renamed Raw Me Sasuke]

Raw Me Sasuke: WHO CHANGED IT HFDKSKKA

[Pan-ther has left the chat!]

Raw Me Sasuke: S H U R I

Thwip Thwip: she lurks, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, delivering an instant kill

Raw Me Sasuke: WELL SHE SUCCEEDED B I T C H

 


 

Thwip Thwip: guys I think it really is true that Thor is the god of lesbians

Thwip Thwip: just yesterday I found out that Brunn and Miss Danvers went on a date and it was Thor that introduced them

Mmm Whatcha J: the madman

Lizzy Maguire: Thor drinks his respecting women juice

Thwip Thwip: you're wrong

Thwip Thwip: he chugs it

Avril Lavigne: oh, mood?

Mmm Whatcha J: Thor is the only valid male I know

Full Homo: MJ,,,, me and Peter,,,, are right here

Mmm Whatcha J: I know

Full Homo: wow, destroyed

Avril Lavigne: I heard stories about how Captain Marvel had a girlfriend on the airforce before she became Captain Marvel

Mmm Whatcha J: I Stan a powerful wlw

Avril Lavigne: I'm also like, imagine getting set up by Thor

Thwip Thwip: I heard it was during the uh… time we do not refer to that Miss Danvers met the other avengers and Thor spoke to her for like 2 minutes, people were expecting him to try ask her out or smth and he just went “do you perchance like women?” and boom he set up a date

Thwip Thwip: I love him so much

 


 

[DM: Miles Morales and Peter Parker]

Miles Morales: PETER THEY’RE BACK

Peter Parker: who?

Peter Parker: WAIT YOU MEAN

Miles Morales: YEAH

Miles Morales: THEY’RE OVER AT JACKSON AVE THEY BROUGHT ANOTHER PERSON WITH THEM

Peter Parker: “my suit is on and I'm swinging right over” - Peter

///

Spider Watch (@spider_man_watch)
Today is a great day if you are a Spider-Man fan as multiple spider people have been spotted in Queens today
[picture of two people in the usual spider colours, two in the black and red suit and one in a black, white and pink suit swinging over the street]

@aMeRiCaExPlAiN replied
> Please what does this mean why are there so many??????

@irondad4thewin replied
> Tony Stark is going to have an aneurism

@youknowwhoiam replied
> Bold of you to assume I haven't already Peter what the fuck?

///

[DM: Tony Stark and Peter Parker]

Tony Stark: seriously Pete what the fuck why are there so many?

Tony Stark: I could tolerate you having your second one because he was young and had just gotten bitten and wanted help

Tony Stark: but where did these three others, out of nowhere, come from

Peter Parker: well they came from other dimensions

Peter Parker: and dude that was a very fatherly rant there

Tony Stark: oh shush

Tony Stark: and alternate dimensions? Really?

Peter Parker: yeah one of them was me but like, in his thirties and looked just as exhausted as you do. There was another miles and a girl named Gwen

Tony Stark: and you believed them?

Peter Parker: ofc I did, my spideysense said they were just like me

Tony Stark: I'm going to pretend that made sense

Tony Stark: and if they’ve figured out a stable way to travel through dimensions, I want to have a look at it

Peter Parker: sure I'll send them your way next time

 


 

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Thwip Thwip: guys what's the test on tomorrow for chem i wasn't in class today

Mmm Whatcha J: we all know you weren't in class, we’re in your class stupid

Thwip Thwip: that's besides the point

FUCK YOU MJ: chemical equilibrium/reactions

Thwip Thwip: thanks

Thwip Thwip: welp guess I'll fail I don't have any notes on it

Thwip Thwip: how do I miss a whole section of notes?????

FUCK YOU MJ: I can send you my notes, they aren't great but they’re something

Thwip Thwip: a lifesaver

Thwip Thwip: unlike some people

Mmm Whatcha J: just because we’re dating doesn't mean I've got to help you with this all the time

Mmm Whatcha J: suffer

Thwip Thwip: why do I love you again???

FUCK YOU MJ: you can come over to mine if you want

Thwip Thwip: sure thing

///

[DM: Eugene Thompson and Peter Parker]

Peter Parker: yo thanks again for letting me borrow your notes to copy them

Flash: it's fine

Peter Parker: and uh, thanks for the apology

Peter Parker: you didn't need to do it cause I got over it all a while ago but thanks, I appreciate it

Flash: no problem, it just didn't feel right not having have actually given you a proper apology

Peter Parker: :)

 


 

[DM: Tony Stark and Pepper Stark-Potts]

My wonderful wife: Tony

My wonderful wife: I need you to get out the lab and come upstairs for a minute

My wonderful wife: I have some news

My handsome husband: why didn't you speak through Fri?

My wonderful wife: for starters you muted Friday for the afternoon

My wonderful wife: also how dare you mute me from Friday

My handsome husband: sorry, was working on repairing Pete’s suit; got another goddamn tear in it

My wonderful wife: that boy I swear to god

My handsome husband: I've reached a good stopping point so i’ll come upstairs right now

My wonderful wife: good

My handsome husband: is it good good or bad good?

My wonderful wife: it's a very good good

///

[Iron Fam]

Iron Dad: hey @everyone can you please make your way to the compound? Me and Pepper have an announcement that would be better to make in person

Iron Son: what's happening?

Iron Dad: please hold all questions until you get here

Iron Aunt: wow totally not suspicious at all though I think I have an idea

Iron Mom: if you think you know, don't share it with anyone please? We want it to be a surprise for everyone

Iron Uncle 2: I'll pick up May and Peter. Rhodes do you want a lift?

Iron Uncle: sure, if you’re offering. I'm near their apartment anyways

Iron Aunt: thank you Harold, we’ll wait outside for you

Iron Son: someone pls tell me what's happening

///

[Iron Son was renamed Iron Brother]

Iron Brother: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY HAVING A KID?!?!?!!!??!

Iron Dad: pete we already told you in person that that was the case, you don't need to ask again

Iron Brother: I'm sorry I'm just really happy and excited for you two!!!!

Iron Mom: thank you Peter, we’re excited too

Iron Aunt: I'm so happy for you two! If you ever need help or tips when it comes to pregnancy or raising a kid my door is open

Iron Aunt: I may not have had Peter but I was with Mary and Richard during almost the entire time so I know what I'm doing

Iron Mom: thank you, you’re my saviour

Chapter Text

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

FUCK YOU MJ: ok I really gotta ask it's been bugging me for ages

FUCK YOU MJ: Parker can u describe what ur “spideysense” is??? you mention it a shit ton on your twitter but you've never explained it

Thwip Thwip: ok so

Thwip Thwip: take anxiety

FUCK YOU MJ: yeah?

Thwip Thwip: and put it on steroids

Thwip Thwip: when I'm not fighting it's like that. Useful in fights but out of them? Actual hell

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: do u just hear the kill bill sirens in your head when it Happens

Thwip Thwip: nah it's hard to describe the like noise it makes? It's like when you see ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thwip Thwip: you make a noise in your head but it's really hard to explain the Noise

Raw me Sasuke: oh that makes sense

Raw me Sasuke: I think

Mmm Whatcha J: it really doesn't but go off I guess

Thwip Thwip: I thot u loved me MJ </3

Mmm Whatcha J: u thought wrong bitch </3

Thwip Thwip: ;((((

Mmm Whatcha J: fuck

 


 

[Keeping up with the Starkdashians]

Rihanna: I've never really questioned this before but @Space Lesbian why are you the only guardian who is able to keep in constant contact

Rihanna: I heard from the others that they had to be in a certain distance from earth to be able to contact us but you seem to be able to do it anywhere

We Stan Thor, God of Lesbians: Stark pulled me in to work on it so she can contact us anywhere

OG Child: can't believe father put in all that work to contact his oldest daughter

Rihanna: valid

OG Child: I Stan

Space Lesbian: I appreciated the effort he put in, he truly is a great man

 


 

[DM: Sally Avril and Cindy Moon]

Sleeping Beauty: hey uh Cin?

Cinderella: yeah sal?

Sleeping Beauty: I should probably be doing this in person but I am a whole ass coward so yeet

Cinderella: ???

Cinderella: sal? Is everything ok???

Sleeping Beauty: sorry I'm just trying to word it

Cinderella: it's ok, take your time!!!

Sleeping Beauty: ok

Sleeping Beauty: so uhhh

Sleeping Beauty: I think I might be gay and I think I might be hella gay for you

Cinderella: thanks

Sleeping Beauty:

Sleeping Beauty: what the fuck

 

[DM: Cindy Moon and Peter Parker]

[somewhat functional was renamed BIG FUCKING DISASTER!]

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: PETER HELP

Resident Disaster: what happened?! Are you ok do I need to swing over are you in danger

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: NO IM NOT IN DANGER LIKE THAT BUT I THINK IM GOING TO DIE

Resident Disaster: ??????

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: SO SALLY SAYS SHE LIKES ME AND I FUCKING

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: “THANKS”

Resident Disaster: wow I thought I was the disaster bi in the squad

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: SO DID I

Resident Disaster:

Love u thanks

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: PETER THIS ISNT THE TIME FOR MEMES HELP ME

Resident Disaster: it is always the time for memes Cindy

Resident Disaster: and maybe actually, y’know, respond like a person????

BIG FUCKING DISASTER: THAT IS ACTUally a really good idea

 

[DM: Sally Avril and Cindy Moon]

Sleeping Beauty: cin???

Sleeping Beauty: ah shit I've ruined our friendship yay me

Sleeping Beauty: sorry

Cinderella: WAIT NO DONT LEAVE

Sleeping Beauty: are you ok???

Cinderella: I was just shocked but omg!!!

Sleeping Beauty: good omg or bad omg

Cinderella: good!!!!!!

Sleeping Beauty: oh my god

Sleeping Beauty: because holy shit I didn't realise I liked you like that until you came for me with the “fuck me yourself you coward” and I was like “ok”

Sleeping Beauty: where I had a whole ass identity crisis because like you’re my best friend and I was like “wait whaaaaaat?!”

Cinderella: I can't believe you realised you weren't straight because of a meme

Sleeping Beauty: omg shut up

Cinderella: make me

///

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD]

Distinguished Bi: guys big news

Avril Lavigne: me and Cin are dating!!!!!

Thwip Thwip: Nice

Thwip Thwip:

Full love u meme

Distinguished Bi: you can go and fuck off

[Avril Lavigne was renamed Functional Lesbian!]

Mmm Whatcha J: that's accurate I did in fact say that when Peter and Ned asked me out

Full homo: can confirm

Raw me Sasuke: how did y'all end up dating from that???

Thwip Thwip: she said that and proceeded to tell us that we needed to make sure the first date is worth it, ergo accepting it

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: ergo, really?

[20biteen letS GET THIS BREAD was renamed gen z really is the gayest generation huh!]

 


 

[Justice league]

Fe: sometimes I have to praise tabloids and their ingenuity

Original Spider: what relationship drama have they came up with now?

Murica: What are you talking about?

Fe: well the last ‘big’ thing they came up with was how May and me had Peter while I was cheating on Pepper, simultaneously cheating on you while you dated Bucky. The resulting heartbreak made me pine after Dr Douchebag

Captain Momvel: I fail to see how it can get more… inane than that.

Fe: well

Fe: Bruce and Thor are both cheating on each other with Nat, who is also dating me, Pep, Barnes, Hope, Carol, Barton and Steve. The same relationships as above apply but also includes Rhodey and at the end where instead of me trying to comfort myself from the breakup because of all the cheating by going after Strange, I pursue Loki

Snerson: that's certainly… something

Bom Bom Bom Green Giant: I wish they would learn to give us some privacy, how would I continue to cheat on Thor with Nat if they keep publicising it?

Thunderbolts and Lightning: and likewise!

Falchion: I'm impressed you played along with the joke

Original Spider: what joke

Sting sting bitch: who is going to be the next subjects for relationship speculation?

Fe: my money is on Thor and Barton

Birb: aside from that little adventure, the tabloids seem to be rather focused on me and Nat so I doubt there would be me with someone else

Moira Hills: I am glad I am a relatively unknown name in the press’s eyes, I avoid most of the drama

Bom Bom Bom Green Giant: doesn't it frustrate you that this keeps happening while you have a wife and kids Clint?

Sting Sting Bitch: doesn't it frustrate you/Thor and Tony/Pepper since you are the other married ones?

Bom Bom Bom Green Giant: that's fair

Original Spider: it did annoy him

Birb: but then I had an idea

Birb: we’ve been playing the long game for years but we’ll have a resolution soon

Smol-est Man: uh what?

Original Spider: we’ve been leaning into it, never actually confirming it while making sure that it's highly plausible that we could be an “item”

Birb: so then when we finally decide to end it, the world will burn

Fe: this doesn't involve a shit ton of damages to anywhere right? I will not pay to fix up anything you break over pranks

Birb: no, it's just the Internet mainly

Fe: alright do it

Original Spider: we didn't need your permission Tony

Birb: wow we haven't done this much planning for one scheme since Budapest

Original Spider: we definitely remember Budapest differently

Smol-derman: I'm so confused

Falchion: I figured that the spider-runt would've had his own relationship “theories” and such

Falchion: since he's the young people’s favourite and all

Smol-derman: ehhhhh

Smol-derman: not much, they usually are chill with it being me/Ned/MJ but sometimes they go “Peter and Shuri?!?!” Or “Peter and Harley?!?!?!” And stuff

Smol-derman: but nothing as wild as what you guys get what the fuck?

Murica: Peter, language.

Elphaba: I saw me and Peter once and that was weird, especially since I am with Viz

Smol-derman: oh yeah! That was the one after we went to McDonalds together that one time, right??

Elphaba: yeah

Murica: Also it is getting rather late

Smol-derman: yeah yeah yeah go to bed sure

 

[Keeping up with the Starkdashians]

His Favourite: mr. America: go to sleep peter

His Favourite: me: and I said yeah, y’know, like a liar

We Stan Thor, God of Lesbians: lmaooooo

OG Child: :)

His Favourite: HARLEY DID YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ON ME

OG Child: uwu

Rihanna: get cucked

Space Lesbian: f

Space Lesbian: did I do that right?

We Stan Thor, God of Lesbians: you did amazing sweetie

His Favourite:

I hate this fucking family

 


 

[DM: Miles Morales and Peter Parker]

Arach-kid: hey Peter do you wanna go to another dimension other miles and Gwen are hanging out and invited us

Old man Spider-Man: let's get this bread, where are you guys?

Arach-kid: the hidden bit behind where the tower was that Mr. Stark said we could use when the others wanted to visit

Old man Spider-Man: nice

///

Arach-kid: Peter are you ok??? You seem to be disassociating

Old man Spider-Man: THERE IS NO WAY THAT PETER B IS WHAT ILL END UP LOOKING LIKE RIGHT?!?!

Arach-kid: ohhhhhh

Arach-kid: so nothing majorly wrong then?

Old man Spider-Man: LIKE NO I MEAN IT CANT BE THAT ACCURATE HES LITERALLY ANIMATED   WE WONT LOOK THE SAME RIGHT????

Old man Spider-Man: LIKE IF I WAS ANIMATED I BET I TOTALLY WOULDNT LOOK LIKE THOSE PICS OF YOUNGER PETER B????????

Arach-kid: do you want me to draw you animated????? For the fun of it at least

Old man Spider-Man: yeah go for it

///

Arach-kid: [sent a photo]

Arach-kid: sorry to break it to you Peter but I think you are totally gonna end up looking like Peter B

Old man Spider-Man: whaT THE FUCK I CANT BELIEVE THIS SHIT

Arach-kid: watch yo profanity

 


 

[gen z really is the gayest generation huh]

Thwip Thwip: what do I do I think all the female avengers adopted me

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: uh what

Thwip Thwip: idk?????? Last mission we did the female avengers all just formed like a big squad around me and the moment the mission finished they were all checking up on me, making sure I was ok?????

Mmm Whatcha J: I will gladly take your spot

Mmm Whatcha J: getting surrounded by powerful, influential women? I'd die for that

Thwip Thwip: I know this and I love you

///

Thwip Thwip: ok now this is getting fucking ridiculous

FUCK YOU MJ: what have the avengers done now

Thwip Thwip: there’s???? A group chat?????????????

Lizzy Maguire: who did?

Thwip Thwip: THE FEMALE AVENGERS

Thwip Thwip: I mean it's not just about me or anything cause y’known but like, they weRE TALKING ABOUT ME

Mmm Whatcha J: you mean to tell me there is a group chat for some of the most powerful women in the world, whom I very much idolise, and you haven't tried to get me added?

Full Homo: Peter how could you disappoint our girlfriend like that

Thwip Thwip: y'all I'm not even in it I only know about it because May’s phone kept buzzing when she went to get herself a coffee

 

[DM: Michelle Jones and Unknown]

Unknown: you are Peter’s girlfriend, correct?

Michelle Jones: who is this

 

[Girlvengers]

[Natalie Rushman is a very real person added 1 person!]

Natalie Rushman is a very real person: this is Peter’s girlfriend @Michelle Jones

The strongest avenger, May Parker: welcome to the chat MJ!!

Michelle Jones: oh my god

Michelle Jones: is this the female avengers chat???

Pepperoni: and other appropriate additions yes

Michelle Jones: I think I must be dead because this is what I imagined the afterlife must be like

Move over America, I'M the new Captain: you aren't dead

Hopey McHopeface: I imagine you have to deal with a lot of stuff because of your ties to the superhero world

Natalie Rushman is a very real person: it makes you qualified to be in this chat

Michelle Jones: I have to ask what the FUCK are those names

The strongest avenger, May Parker: I'm sorry! Peter had my unlocked phone so he changed them in retaliation because he saw we had been talking about him and the “momvenger” protocol

Blood orange, so pretentious. It's fucking (scarlet) red: don't worry May, it's fine

Michelle Jones: I look forward to learning more about this chat

Michelle Jones: and if possible would I be able to get interviews with you, only if you are available of course

Pepperoni: I'm sure we can come to an arrangement

 

[gen z really is the gayest generation huh]

Mmm Whatcha J: I have died and gone to heaven god is not dead my skin is clear my crops are watered this is the best timeline

Distinguished Bi: not to seem mean but what the fuck are you on MJ

Thwip Thwip: I have no idea tbh

Mmm Whatcha J: god is a woman

Mmm Whatcha J: no

Mmm Whatcha J: god is many women

Thwip Thwip: what

Mmm Whatcha J: many powerful powerful women

Thwip Thwip: WHAT THE FUCK MJ NO WAYDHDKDKCKFK

 


 

Lizzy Maguire: I heard you guys got through to Washington again!!!! Congrats!!!

Lizzy Maguire: I'll try get time to get through to watch the competition but with college it's difficult

Functional Lesbian: don't worry if you can't make it, we totally get it but it'd be so good to see you again!!!!!

Thwip Thwip: would you hate me if I said I didn't want to go

Mmm Whatcha J: sweetie :) you are going :) on the trip :)

Thwip Thwip: I am horroused

Thwip Thwip: but like, me and field trips are a massive NOTP

Full homo: oh my god Peter

Mmm Whatcha J: Peteld trips is my otp, I want it canon

Mmm Whatcha J:

 Gimme pictures of peteld trips

Thwip Thwip:

  • elementary school trip to the Stark Expo that my aunt/uncle chaperoned??? Hammer drones.
  • Oscorp? Bitten by that spider
  • DC? The Elevator and The Vulture
  • MoMA? Fucking Thotos
  • Compound? Identity got outed

Thwip Thwip: so I think it's understandable I have a tiny bit of anxiety over field trips and the likes

Full homo: honey, get ur cute butt over here I must give you my Love and Support

Lizzy Maguire: oh, that must really suck Peter :(

Thwip Thwip: eh, that's what the therapy is for

Thwip Thwip: and by therapy I mean sitting at 3am, eating stark raving hazelnut ice cream while I watch the old barbie movies

Lizzy Maguire: at this point I can't tell if you are memeing or not

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: I'm sorry but are we not going to address ‘Thotos’

Raw me Sasuke: you should’ve called him that to his face he would've died instantly

Thwip Thwip: I have many regrets in life and not calling Thanos a thot is one of them

Thwip Thwip: if he was going to kill me anyways I should’ve just done it

 


 

[DM: Peter Parker & Tony Stark]

Underoos: hey Tony?

Mr Anthony: yeah kid?

Underoos: I know this isn't really the conversation to be having over text but honestly I don't think I could get the courage to bring it up in person? Idk

Underoos: actually nvm it's not important just forget it

Mr Anthony: clearly it is important

Mr Anthony: you can tell me Pete, I will listen, or well read whatever you have to say

Underoos: so uh… we both know that I kinda somewhat call you Dad on occasion?

Mr Anthony: yep

Underoos: but I figured with the baby on the way it would probably be better if I stopped that? I mean, not get in the way of your family by causing confusion or anything

Mr Anthony: what?

Mr Anthony: you’re kidding right?

Underoos: I mean, the kid will be a big part of your life and everything and I know the Ironfam chat has me as the big brother but honestly I know I'm not so I should kinda keep my distance? So that you can spend time with your kid without me annoying or interrupting it

Mr Anthony: Peter

Mr Anthony: I don't want you to interrupt this

Mr Anthony: Pete, you are my kid. Even if I only came into your life recently and we aren't related by blood, we’re family.

Mr Anthony: just the same as how Rhodey and Happy are like my brothers, you are my kid

Mr Anthony: you, Harley, Nebula, Riri and this kid that's coming along? You are all my kids

Mr Anthony:

Mr Anthony: I'm a bad father

 

[Iron Fam]

Iron Dad: it has come to my attention that I've excluded many of my children from this chat and that's unacceptable

[Iron Dad added 3 people!]

[Harley Keener was renamed Iron Brother 1!]

[Iron Brother was renamed Iron Brother 2!]

[Nebula “Stark” was renamed Iron Sister 1!]

[Riri Williams was renamed Iron Sister 2!]

Iron Dad: now all the kids are here until baby girl can use tech

Iron Uncle: I was waiting for how long it would take you to add the kids

Iron Brother 2: wait a diddly darn second

Iron Brother 2: thE BABY’S A GIRL???

Iron Mom: Tony you were meant to wait until the baby shower to reveal that

Iron Dad: whoops

Iron Aunt: congratulations!!! Any names??

Iron Mom: Tony is insisting on Morgan and while I was opposed at first, I think I've grown to like it

Iron Sister 2: Morgan Stark has a nice ring to it

Iron Brother 1: I have a suggestion

Iron Uncle 2: they aren't calling their daughter Harley

Iron Brother 1: bad taste op

Iron Mom: I would consider it for a middle name but then it would be unfair to the rest of you if they didn't get any sort of name involved and 4+ middle names is extensive

Iron Dad: but extra enough that it's perfect for the newest Stark

Iron Aunt: Tony no

Iron Uncle: Tones no

Iron Mom: babe no

Iron Brother 2: Dad no

Iron Sister 2: oh have you finally gotten comfortable enough to call him Dad fulltime now?

Iron Brother 2: hush

Iron Dad: you are all allowed to call me Dad I have no reason to say no

Iron Sister 1: except he is likely to suffer a heart attack during each instance

Iron Sister 1: and Stark, won't it get confusing between who the various siblings and uncles are?

Iron Dad: you are correct Nebs

Iron Sister 1: don't call me that

Iron Dad: kids go wild with the names, but try to stick to the iron theme

[Iron Brother 1 was renamed xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx!]

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: awesome

Iron Dad: I have regrets

[Iron Brother 2 was renamed Iron Bider!]

Iron Uncle 2: bider?

Iron Bider: 1) brother+spider=bider 2) bisexual+spider=bider 3) pun on my iron spider suit

Iron Sister 2: I have to admit that's pretty smart

Iron Bider: thanks Ri!

[Iron Sister 2 was renamed I-Ri-on!]

I-Ri-on: done

Iron Sister 1: it's stupid to come up with another name

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: come on sis

Iron Aunt: Nebula, correct?

Iron Sister 1: that's correct

Iron Aunt: don't feel pressured, you can keep it the same or take your time choosing

Iron Bider: may I larb you so much

Iron Aunt: I larb you too

[Iron Uncle 1 was renamed Fun Uncle!]

[Iron Uncle 2 was renamed Grumpy!]

Iron Mom: honey why didn't you add Shuri?

Iron Dad: I asked and she said no and I won't force her

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: I have a suggestion for the middle name

Iron Mom: go on?

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: harteburi

Iron Aunt: what the actual fuck is that

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: Harley Peter Nebula Riri

Iron Bider: that sounds like the worst portmanteau ever

I-Ri-on: oh look at you using big boy word

Iron Bider: shush

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: sometimes a family is a superhero, a business queen, a grumpy bodyguard/driver, another superhero, the best aunt, two mechanic-inclined kids, yet another superhero and a literal alien

Iron Aunt: thank you Harley! I'm happy you think I'm a good aunt!

Iron Bider: May you are the absolute best aunt, worlds best aunt

Fun Uncle: I'm pretty sure May could’ve singlehandedly defeated Thanos the moment she heard that he even was near Peter

Iron Aunt: that's right :)

Iron Sister 1: I believe we would get on well May

 


 

[gen z really is the gayest generation huh]

Thwip Thwip: idk what's more embarrassing calling Pepper Potts-Stark mom or calling your aunt mom Karen send tweet

Full homo: you called pePPER POTTS-STARK MOM?!?!?!?!

Thwip Thwip: I did and I want to die of embarrassment

Lizzy Maguire: what caused it?

Thwip Thwip: so I was working on some paperwork that Pepper had given me to finish right? And idk Mother's Day is coming up and stuff, there's ads everywhere for it

Thwip Thwip: so I handed the papers back and said “here you go mom”

Thwip Thwip: I have to go jump off a cliff

Full homo: please don't?!?!

Mmm Whatcha J:

Do a flip

 

[DM: Peter Parker & Tony Stark]

Mr Anthony: why is Pepper in shock?

Mr Anthony: I tried to ask and all she got out was “Peter said” and then covered her face? But she's also smiling??

Underoos: I uh

Underoos: I called her mom?

Mr Anthony: ohhhhh

Mr Anthony: please say i didn't react like this when you kids called me Dad for the first time

Underoos: you didn't

Mr Anthony: thank god

Underoos: you were worse

Mr Anthony: you’re fired

 


 

[Justice League]

Murica: Tony; is there any way that we can decrease the amount of… dedicated fans around us after we do missions. I appreciate the support but it can be frustrating when we are trying to get to the briefing and, for example, get the attacker in custody and they are crowding us.

Moira Hills: you mean fangirls Steve

Fe: no can do cap, they all have crushes on you or one of us

Fe: actually, I’m pretty sure 90% of this chat had a crush on you at one point

Murica: That's besides the point, they could potentially get hurt if something goes wrong.

Smol-derman: wait what do you mean most people in this chat had a crush on Mr America

Smolest man: or has

Sting Sting Bitch: yes Scott we all know you have a crush on Cap

It's Iron Patriot technically Tony: are you ok with that? I know you two are together that is

Sting sting bitch: literally one of the first things he said when we started dating was “if I ever got the chance to have sex with Captain America I would, regardless of relationship status” so I'm ok with it. He's at least open about it

Murica: I'm flattered?

Fe: but to answer your question kid, yep

Smol-derman: I?

Murica: I don't understand, why?

Smolest-man: your ass among many other things

Fe: your ass

Thunderbolts and lightning: your ass Captain!

Original Spider: your ass

Captain Momvel: I'd guess your ass

Snerson: your ass

Magnet: your ass

Falchion: your ass

Nya: your ass Captain

Murica: What?

Smolest-Man: cap your ass is America’s ass

[Murica was renamed America's Ass!]

Smolest-Man: and it is one fine ass

Smol-derman: I???????

Fe: back in those days where I had a small hint of a crush and I decided when I made Cap’s new suit to make sure it did wonders for his ass because frankly his old one did nothing for it

Smol-derman: Dad please I don't want to hear about your crushes?

Falchion: that's adorable that you call him Dad

Smol-derman: shut up your mom buys you megablocks instead of legos

Magnet: haha he got you Sam

Falchion: I hate you so much

America’s Ass: You guys are all joking, right?

Smolest-Man: I am literally not joking

Smolest-Man: if you wanted to Cap ;)

Smol-derman: can you please not I am only a small child??? I don't want to hear about you guys having sex??????

Snerson: Peter you are 18, legally an adult

Smol-derman: no I'm babey

Dumbleydoor: you are all ridiculous

Fe: oh shush my awesome facial hair bro

Smolest-Man: just because you don't have taste

 


 

[Bug Squad]

BW: @everyone Nick wants us on infiltration mission this weekend. @SM , it's been cleared with May, Tony and Steve that you can go

SM: awesome!!!

TW: I'll make sure Hank leaves mine and Scott’s schedule free then

AM: I'll be honest and say I didn't expect them to allow this squad

SM: oh big mood

BW: it's always good to have a good stealth/infiltration team, regardless of the operation

TW: will Barton also be joining?

BW: no, Clint is fully retired from active duty, though he has said he'll remain as a trainer for who needs it

SM: yeah!! He's taught me some cool stuff, even some sharpshooting which is really useful for my webs!!! He's an awesome teacher!!!

BW: I'll pass along your thoughts to Clint then Peter, he’ll appreciate that

BW: also, early reminder that you need to be quiet. It's a stealth mission, you can't banter

SM: oops, sorry it keeps slipping my mind

TW: if he just turns off the microphone in the suit that projects his voice it should be fine?

AM: probably?

BW: I will see you all at the compound’s hanger 8am sharp

BW: and we have a little surprise for you for this mission Peter

///

SM: can I just say the stealth suit is one of the coolest things I've ever seen????

BW: I'm glad you like it

BW: fury pitched the idea to Tony and Tony decided to make it

AM: I want a cool ass stealth suit

TW: babe you can literally shrink down to the size of an ant I'm pretty sure that's classed as stealthy

AM: fair

 


 

[gen z really is the gayest generation huh]

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: I got accepted into NYU!!!!!!

Distinguished Bi: omg!!! I'm so happy for you!!!

Mmm Whatcha J: good job

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: the rare compliment from MJ, I'm shocked

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: does anyone else know where they’re going?

Mmm Whatcha J: Harvard

Raw me Sasuke: seriously?!

Mmm Whatcha J:

What like it's hard

Raw me Sasuke: I set you up waaaaay too easily for that

Mmm Whatcha J: yup

Functional Lesbian: Washington state!

Lizzy Maguire: that's where I study! When you arrive I can happily show you around the campus and where the other stuff is

Functional Lesbian: oh my god thank you so much Liz, actual life saver

Full homo: I'm going to Caltech!!!! I'm super excited!!!!

Thwip Thwip: what no way!!!! How come you didn't tell me earlier?!?!

Full homo: babe you've been out on an Avengers mission for the past week with limited contact

Thwip Thwip: that's fair

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: do you know where you’re going Peter?

Thwip Thwip: I got accepted to MIT

Distinguished Bi: ah, following in your father’s footsteps

Thwip Thwip: yeah I guess I am!

Functional Lesbian: I love how he doesn't deny it anymore

Thwip Thwip: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

FUCK YOU MJ: Columbia University here

Raw me Sasuke: same!!!

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: gonna be honest and say I expected flash to go for a further away university

FUCK YOU MJ: eh since mom got that divorce from dad I figured I should stay nearby so I could help her out

Mmm Whatcha J: I think that's the nicest thing I've ever heard of you doing

Mmm Whatcha J: are you really flash, not some parasite taking over your body??

Distinguished Bi: Is ur mom ok with that??

FUCK YOU MJ: Columbia was my top pick anyways so she couldn't argue that hard about it

FUCK YOU MJ: plus like, a lot of the shit that's happened since we got here??? It changes ur perspective

FUCK YOU MJ: and uhhhhhhhhhhh

Mmm Whatcha J: uhhhhhhhhhhh?

FUCK YOU MJ: I think I'm gonna start going by Gene or smth, flash really is a stupid fucking name, fresh start I fucking guess

Full Homo:

Growth

 


 

Scott-Man ( @scottlang_actual_antman )

I literally cannot be any further on top of the world right now, I have now lived my best life, I can die happy now

 

@antmanisthestrongestavengerfiteme replied

> What happened?!?!

@scottlang_actual_antman replied

> I love your @, I heavily approve and it is 100% correct the others just won't admit it

@HopeVanDyne replied

> He's happy because he tapped America’s ass

@avengersASSemble replied

> Who/what's america’s ass???

@thwipthwipman replied

>

DiD yOu FuCk Mr AmErIcA sCoTt

@scottlang_actual_antman replied

> :D

@CaptainSteveRogers replied

> It is highly inappropriate to be tweeting about this sort of stuff Scott, especially in regards to this subject.

@youknowwhoiam replied

> Hey no let him tweet it, the world needs the documentation that Cap finally lost his virginity at 100+ years old

@joeyboey replied

> Wait wait wait aRE YOU SAYING THAT ANTMAN HAD SEX WITH CAPTAIN AMERICA

@CaptainAntman4ever replied

> I don't want to say I was right but I was totally right #captainantman #antmerica #avengershipping

@CaptainSteveRogers replied

> What is “Captain Antman/antmerica”?

@thwipthwipman replied

> PLEASE DONT INTRODUCE CAP TO SHIPPING CULTURE

@buckybarnes replied

>What the hell is ‘stucky’?

@thwipthwipman replied

> nO STOP

@theonlylabelonmeisDISASTER replied

>

10 pictures taken before disaster

 


 

[gen z really is the gayest generation huh]

Distinguished Bi: I can't believe we’re graduating soon, it feels way too fast?

Functional Lesbian: going into high school I thought I would absolutely hate almost every minute of it but like

Functional Lesbian: I didn't? These years have simultaneously been the best and scariest years of my life

Raw me Sasuke : oh wow is this sad on main hours?

Distinguished Bi: yep

Thwip Thwip: As the source of-slash-involved in half of the scary things, I apologise.

Functional Lesbian: don't apologise Peter

Thwip Thwip: I am still going to.

Raw me Sasuke: why u typing formal

Full Homo: he's having Karen reply for him

Mmm Whatcha J: he's a self sacrificial idiot he won't listen

Distinguished Bi: oh I heard you got Valedictorian MJ!! Congrats!

Mmm Whatcha J: my speech is going to be very inspirational, just you wait

Full Homo: oh my god she just let me read it it is so good guys

Full Homo: perks to keeping an eye on Peter while patrolling: this and we get to see Peter’s fail compilations live

Mmm Whatcha J: nothing says a good date with one of your partners like laughing your ass off at the other one being a total loser when he decks it straight into a wall

 


 

[Justice League]

Magnet: oh my god Barton, Romanova

Birb: are you all impressed

Bom bom bom green giant: I can certainly say I am… shocked to say the least

Smol-derman: THE INTERNET IS ALREADY BREAKING

Smol-derman: THE LIVE TWEETS WERE HILARIOUS

Smol-derman:

Clintasha 1

Clintasha 2

Clintasha 3

Thunderbolts and Lightning: that was an entertaining watch my friends!! I particularly liked the segment when Agent Hill came on stage!

Moira Hills: I guess me and Nat are the new hot ticket item

Birb: that's exactly what we were going for

Original Spider: I'm glad our mission went off without a hitch, unlike Budapest

Birb: hey Budapest went really well, barely anything went wrong

Original Spider: barely anything ?!

America’s Ass: Will you ever tell us what the hell happened in Budapest?

Thunderbolts and lightning: Mind your language Captain!

Fe: watch your dirty mouth Steve, there are children here

Smol-derman: yeah this is a Christian minecraft server u can't swear here

America’s Ass:

America’s Ass: what the fuck is minecraft

Original Spider: language!

Moira Hills: you said a bad language word!

Snerson: I cannot believe you, Captain Righteous, would swear so vulgarly here there is an infant here

Magnet: how could you Steve?

 


 

[Iron Fam]

Iron Dad: @everyone GET TO THE COMPOUND PEPPERS IN LABOUR

Iron Bider: hoLY SHIT THE BABY’S COMING

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: CAN YOU SEND A QUINJET TO TENNESSEE????

I-Ri-on: and to MIT

Grumpy: I've already got one to go pick you two up, it'll be there within an hour

Grumpy: I'm in the car off to get you May and Peter

Iron Aunt: thank you Harold!!!

Iron Sister 1: as I am in space, I cannot make it though I will instruct the Guardians to make a stop to Terra as soon as we can

Iron Dad: we’ll keep you posted Neb

Iron Dad: gotta go, Pep needs me

Iron Bider: aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA

xXx~Iron Harlz~xXx: BIG FUCKING MOOD PETE

///

Tony Stark (@youknowwhoiam)

I'd like to introduce the world to the newest member of the Stark family, Morgan H Stark

[Image]

[image attached of Tony and Pepper, Pepper lying on the bed with baby Morgan in her arms, both of them with weary smiles on their faces]

 

@potatobutwithaGUN replied

> I'm so happy you clearly went with my middle name suggestion :)

@youknowwhoiam replied

> we didn't but you do you Harley

 


 

[gen z is really the gayest generation huh]

Rip Gene mayhe rest in peace: “so you’re graduating. You’ve grown up and you know you've done a lot of stuff but now you have to find a way to make things right for your future. Take it from a person who has been observing you all for four years here…”

Rip Gene may he rest in peace: mj u legend I can't believe you parodied the detention psa

Mmm Whatcha J: they wouldn't let me bring the chair with me but I used the podium as best as I could to do his pose

Thwip Thwip: I laughed at the “so go ahead and eat the rich; Stark, Osborn, you two can decide who goes first” section

Functional Lesbian: the speech was top tier content, I want it on my gravestone

FUCK YOU MJ: it'll arrive tomorrow

Functional Lesbian: SHOULD I FEAR FOR MY LIFE???

Distinguished Bi: I'll protect u <3

Functional Lesbian: thank you <3

Raw me Sasuke: you perfectly balanced a serious/heartwarming and so many memes

Raw me Sasuke: stunning

Full Homo: my moms were so confused over half the memes they were asking me afterwards because I was losing my entire shit

Lizzy Maguire: congratulations!!! You are all now out of school and into adult life!!!

Lizzy Maguire: be ready

FUCK YOU MJ: now I fear for my life

Lizzy Maguire: that's adulthood

Distinguished Bi: I cant believe we don't need this chat anymore, we don't have the team now :((

Full Homo: this chat ain't getting deleted

Mmm Whatcha J: @everyone I've managed to organise a dinner for us, last one as a team. You better all turn up or I'll eviscerate you

Lizzy Maguire: have fun guys!

[9 people logged off!]