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Need To Say

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“I will sing no requiem tonight.”

Connor was standing in the middle of her room, regretting every decision he'd ever made. He knew how useless he was, how no one loved him, how they all wanted him to just disappear.

But hearing it from his own sister, this surely hurt. A lot.

He never really tried to have a connection with her. He never really tried anything. His sister hated him, she hated him when they were children, she hated him all the time he was alive, and when he finally killed himself, she hated him even more.

“Zoe, I’m so sorry…” he whispered. She wouldn't hear him anyway. She couldn't. He was still dead and that was certainly not going to change.

But only then, when he was standing in his sister's room, listening to the reasons why she hated him, listening to how she regarded him as a monster, how she just wanted to forget him, just then he realized how many things he had fucked up.

He had wanted to die to be free from it all, because he was tired, and life wasn't meant for him. But when he was dead, and his rest didn't came, he started regretting so much.

“I didn't mean, I really didn't- I didn't want to fuck up your life, Zoe. For once in our lives (well, more like your life, since I don't exist anymore), I'm telling the truth, and please, listen to me, Zoe, I am so, so sorry, please forgive me, please, I can't-” There, then, he just started crying. It was years since he had last cried, but the thought that, the thought that his sister wouldn't ever listen and she'd never forgive him, the realization, it crushed him, it crushed his head, his chest, spread all over his body and started tearing him apart. And so he cried, and his cheeks were all wet, and his eyes were red, and he just wanted Zoe to forgive him, but she would never.

She'd never, because he was dead and there was no apologizing. It was too late for that.
Connor left, left the room, left the house; sad, angry, mad even, because he wasn't able to leave the existence, even after he'd already done that.

He came back to Evan's house. The kid was sitting on his bed with a laptop on his lap. He was writing something, probably one of those fake emails that Connor hated.

But he didn't say anything.

Evan was the only one who could hear him, see him, maybe even feel for him.

And Connor remained silent.

But Evan felt it. He knew something was wrong, and he fidgeted, closed the laptop, finally looking up.

Seeing Connor like that must not have been a pleasing experience. He was all shaky and teary (besides, he was a ghost).

The kid knew that something was wrong, and he stood up, and soon Connor was welcomed by Evan's warm arms.

Warm was something that Connor himself couldn't have anymore, and so he longed for it so much.

He cried again, but that time it was in Evan's arms that he leaned into.

“What happened?” Evan asked. It was so gentle, something Connor could never understand; how could Evan be so gentle to a ghost? a monster?

Connor sobbed, more likely gasped, but still, he decided to stay silent.

“You can- can say i-it, you know?” Evan had his hand in Connor's hair. He played with it, waiting patiently for the boy to respond.

“She hates me. She really does, you know? And I can’t take back anything I’ve said. Not- Not anymore,” he explained slowly, carefully keeping his voice from breaking.

“It's just- I- I loved her smile, you know? I never told her, never. But it was wonderful, really. It was.”

“Yeah,” Evan admitted, lost in his own thoughts.

“And I couldn't tell her, I was too scared to talk to my own sister, and now it's- it’s too late.”

Connor breathed out. The whole conversation was exhausting. And some would say nothing could tire a ghost.

“And- I loved so many things a-about her. I loved the stars on the cuffs of her jeans, I loved- loved how she put indigo streaks in her hair, and I wanted to ask her to maybe lend me one of those, but I-
I never said anything. And she hated me. And she does now, because I was too scared, because I thought we were too far away from each other.”

He stopped for a while, drawing a deep breath.

“But she is- was my sister, after all. She- she would understand.”

Evan just nodded, letting the boy talk as much as he wanted, because he was sure Connor needed it.

“And her guitar? I wanted to play it so many times. I wanted her to teach me how to do that. I wanted to play something just for her.
And, guess what? I didn't.”

Suddenly, Evan tensed up. Connor thought he had done something wrong, he had said something not right, but when he quickly backed away from Evan, the boy was smiling.

“What's this all about?” Connor grew suspicious.

“I, uh, I might have a-an idea.” His smile reached his eyes and Connor started freaking out a little.

“What kind of idea?”

“Well, um, you can't t-talk to- your sister, right?”

“Yeah, thanks for reminding me,” Connor grunted.

“But! I mean, you a-are able t-to talk to, to me.”

“That one I also know already. Out with it, Hansen.” Connor sighed loudly, showing no interest, even though he was really curious about what the boy was going to say.

“You can talk to me, a-and I, I can talk to Zoe. And w-we were supposed to b-be friends, so…”

Realization dawned on Connor.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Evan.”

“Yeah. I can just- I can tell her w-what you told me, a-and let her u-understand.”

And Connor could have smiled right there and then, but he didn't. On the contrary, he seemed to be more sad than before.

Evan couldn't figure Connor out; not then and probably not ever.

“Aren't- um, aren't y-you h-hap-py?” Evan's eyes widened in panic and stress. He thought he'd done something wrong.

Connor just shook his head.

“It's not it, I just… Why would you want to do that?”

Evan sucked in a breath. “I-I-If you d-don't want t-to, I w-won't, I’m, I am- sorry,” he rambled.

“Don't. I mean, why would you even want to do that?” Connor was genuinely curious.

“B-because you de-deserve it,” Evan encouraged.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Evan was looking at Connor, waiting for a response, for any sign, really. To know what Connor wanted.

And then, the tall boy smiled. Grinned, even.
“Thank you. It's a good idea, I think so.”

Evan smiled back.