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Me Doth Think Thou Protest Too Much

Summary:

When Dean and Castiel decide to get married they ask Sam and Gabriel to be their best men. Problem is Sam hates Gabriel and his lame come-ons. Still he owes a lot to his brother though so he's willing to put his differences aside and work with Gabriel so long as he keeps his annoyances to a minimum.

Gabriel felt love at first sight when he first met his precious Samshine. Too bad the most common words he hears out Sam's mouth are, "I'm straight Gabriel."

Notes:

Welcome to the ride!!! There will be some uphills and crazy downhills but once the ride is completed there will be a sweet sweet prize at the end.

I will be updating once a week on whatever today is. Sunday? Monday?

**I just checked my phone. It's fucking Wednesday. Who knew?

Chapter 1: I Should Have Brought A Goddamn Date

Chapter Text

“You realize I’m not gay, right?” Sam asked Gabriel, annoyed as Gabriel simply shrugged and threw another one liner his way. “Have you tried it Sammy? I’d climb you like a tree.” “First of all, gross and Don’t. Call. Me. That.” Sam bit out before turning away from Gabriel. Where the hell was Dean? He and Cas were supposed to show up almost thirty minutes ago and instead here he was, waiting on them with the bane of his existence.  

He’d met Gabriel almost two years prior, when Dean and Cas finally got their shit together and got together. He’d met Gabriel for their first joint Thanksgiving and Gabriel had been obscene from the get go. The guy just didn’t know the meaning of the word no. Not to mention Sam wasn’t gay, for the love of all the gods. But no, no matter how many times Sam told him as such, Gabriel just wouldn’t give it up. Sam wished he’d had the forethought to bring a fucking date but his fucking brother didn’t tell him Gabriel was going to be here. Did I mention Sam was annoyed? LOL. 

Sam looked around the bar in search of a quick possible date when fingers snapped in front of his face. “Samshine, did you forget about me? What are you thinking about?” Sam exhaled and forced himself to rein it in. “I’m trying to forget you’re here.” He snapped. Fine, so he wasn’t able to rein it in. What could he say? Gabriel brought out the worst in him.  

Gabriel huffed. “Fine. If you’re going to be boring, I’m going to go sing some karaoke.” And with that he flounced, really that’s what he did, fucking flounced out of the booth and Sam watched as he walked up to the stage (if you could call it that), shuffle through what Sam assumed was the song book, point at one and then something slow started playing as the DJ introduced him to the crowd.  

Sam wished he had brought earplugs. He was woefully unprepared for Gabriel this evening it seemed. No date and no earplugs. He watched as Gabriel brought the mic up to his mouth and wished he had ordered a shot to drink as he was forced to listen to his probable braying. 

“Looking back, on the memory of the dance we shared ‘ neath the stars above. For a moment all the world was alright. How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye? And now, glad I didn’t know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d’ve had to miss the dance.”  

Sam blinked, erroneous triple contraction already forgotten, overshadowed by the vibrations he could practically feel coming from Gabriel. 

He blinked again, his drink suspended in mid-air. 

It'd been on the way to his mouth but now it hung uselessly and in a motion he couldn't have explained himself he used his other hand to push it down. Nonsensical but, again, immediately forgotten because- 

Gabriel, more serious than Sam had ever seen him, sang softly into the mic, his voice an octave lower than he normally spoke.  

“Man, who knew the short-stack could sing, huh?” Dean broke him out of his reverie by shoving him lightly on the shoulder as he slinked in beside Sam. Sam glared at him before hissing, “Why the fuck were you so late, Dean? I had to fucking sit here with him for thirty minutes!” “Aw, come on Sammy. Don’t be like that. He’s good people.” Sam threw him one of his patented bitch faces but dropped it as Gabriel came to the booth and Cas slid out to let him in.  

“What’d ya think Sam-a-lam?” Sam shrugged noncommittally and didn’t answer but Cas spoke up. “You sounded excellent as always brother. I hadn’t heard you sing in a while. Will you please bring your guitar next time we’re together for the holidays?” Sam almost spit up his drink but managed to hold it back at the last minute. “You play the guitar too?” He asked before he could stop himself. “Quite well.” Cas said, sounding proud. “He had the opportunity to join several bands but didn’t.”  

“Really?” Sam snarked, "you gave up all the attention you so obviously crave to be a baker?” 

“And chocolatier Samshine. I make a mean hot chocolate. You should come by some time. I’ll give you a free hot chocolate and you don’t even have to perform sexual favors in return…unless you want to that is.”  

Sam rolled his eyes before responding, “No thanks. I’ll let you know if I decide to go to an early grave from diabetes though. And, again, I’m straight.”  

“I don’t know, Sam-I-Am. I’ve known you for a while now I’ve yet to see you with a pretty girl.”  

“Exactly.” Dean interjected. “He let go of his last girl because he was too busy allegedly although she was perfect.” Sam pointed at his brother. “First of all, whose side are you on? Second of all, if she had been so perfect, I might have felt, I don’t know, heartbroken or something when we split up. I didn’t feel a thing. Thirdly, she didn’t even wait a month before getting with Brady so it’s probable that they may have already had a thing in which case she wasn’t so perfect now was she?”  

Dean rolled his eyes. “Do you always have to be such a lawyer about things, bitch?” “You started it jerk.” Sam responded in his usual manner.  

The server interrupted them then bringing their conversation to a halt as they placed their orders. Cas and Dean ordered greasy ass burgers, extra onion for Dean (how Cas could kiss him like that was beyond Sam), a salad for Sam which Dean rolled his eyes at and three different desserts for Gabriel plus an Oreo milkshake. Sam cringed at the amount of sugar he was consuming but kept his mouth shut. It was his funeral. 

Gabriel, of course, caught the grimace on his face and spoke up, “It’s for research purposes Samshine. Gotta make sure I’m still better than the competitors.” “Right.” Scoffed Sam. “Because you’re such a major corporation.” “Actually,” started Cas only to be interrupted by Gabriel who said, “Ah, ah, ah, little brother. Let people draw their own conclusions. It’s more fun that way. It lets you know what they really think of you.”  

That made Sam frown. The way Gabriel posed that made it seem like he was missing something, but what? Before he knew it was Gabriel’s place he’d passed by (and even occasionally gone into, for coffee) Scent From Heaven. It was a small storefront with a red and white awning that had drawn him in because it was so reminiscent of a small-town feel. The inside was decorated with quirky quotes that he’d found amusing until he met Gabriel, then he just felt annoyed and they personally offended him and now he never went in, choosing instead to go to the Starbucks and their impersonal employees. Better them than run the risk of running into Gabriel. For all Sam knew, Gabriel was liable to take that as an admission that he liked him or something and he definitely didn’t need to give him more ammunition. 

Anyway, what could Castiel have been about to say? Now Sam was a little intrigued as he eyed the small man suspiciously. Was Gabriel mixed up in something illegal? What if it was a storefront for laundering money or something? Sam made a mental note to look into the tax returns for the small business when he got back to the office on Monday. 

“Calm down Sammy, your ADA is showing.”  

“Bugger off Dean.”   

The table lapsed into silence as someone else started singing. They were bad. Really bad. Sam felt a laugh bubbling up in his stomach and he forcefully ignored meeting eyes with Dean because he knew they’d crack up and that would be mean. Of course, Dean had to go and nudge him and it was all over, even before their eyes met, they were both already laughing. When Dean started choking on his beer Sam had to pound him on the back to help him out.  

“Will you go sing another, brother? I caught only the last part of your song.” Cas asked Gabriel who shook his head. “Please?” Cas asked quietly and Sam saw Gabriel relent and once again Cas slid out to let him out. That was nice of him , thought Sam as he watched Gabriel make his way up to the stage once again. It wasn’t like he knew whether Gabriel was a nice person or not, he’d never really sat down and talked to the little imp- he was just so infuriating that Sam opted to be as far away from that train wreck as possible.  

There was one person in front of him and they had to suffer through a butchered “Like A Virgin” before Gabriel once again took the stage. To their surprise, Gabriel waved off the music and was handed a guitar and a stool which he took a seat on as the DJ adjusted the mike to his level.  

“This one goes out to my little brother, Cassie, who for some unknown reason likes to hear me play and sing. Also, my probably soon to be brother-in-law, Dean and lastly, the love of my life, Sammy. And please pardon my performance," he said, motioning to the instrument, "it’s been a few months.” Gabriel waved towards Cas, Dean and Sam who tried to slink down into his seat as much as possible as the entire fucking crowd oohed and aahed.  

Thankfully Gabriel started playing then (another country song) and after playing the intro started singing, “People say it’s only in my head. It’s gonna take time but I’ll forget. They say I need to get on with my life; what they don’t realize is when you’re dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone, driving across town just to see if he’s home, waking a friend in the dead of the night, just to hear him say it’s going to be alright. When you’re finding things to do not to fall asleep cause you know he’ll be there in your dreams, that’s when you know, he’s more than a memory.”  

Fine. So Gabriel could play and sing. Really fucking well. Whatever.  

Gabriel finished the song just as the server was delivering their food and the crowd erupted in applause. He sauntered over to “up top, man” and various other commendations and high fives as Sam dug into his salad with annoyance. “Did you like it Samshine?” Sam just glared at him and Gabriel had the gall to wink.  

The quartet were finishing up their food when Dean spoke up. “Well, we did call you guys out here for a reason. Cas and I, uh, well, we decided to get married.” Dean was interrupted by Gabriel letting out a squeal sounding for all the world like a goddamn cheerleader and when people turned, he excitedly told them the news and before Sam knew it the whole fucking restaurant was clapping. “Must you turn everything into a circus?” He hissed at Gabriel; whose smile faltered for a split second before he grinned broadly. “We’re going to be related Sammy! That’s cause for celebration right there!” Dean was blushing a bright red and even Cas had a hint of a smile on his face which forced Sam to back down. He would not make a scene at the expense of his brother's news.  

“Than—thank you all,” Dean stammered out to the well-wishers. Finally, just as Sam was getting ready to walk the fuck out of there, Dean turned back to them, rubbing the back of his neck. “What I was trying to say is that we’d like you both to be our respective best men, what do you say Sammy?” Sam was happy for his brother, he really was, and he’d do anything for him but he knew what Dean was really asking. This would require for him to spend time with Gabriel outside of the three or four holidays he was already forced to spend with him and fuck, it was his brother, of course he’d do it. Sam rolled his eyes as jovially as he could. “Of course, Dean. Congratulations to you both.” He said, nodding towards Castiel too.  

“You know what this means don’t you, Sammy?” Gabriel asked excitedly. “Yes.” Sam answered shortly. “I’m going to have to deal with you.” Gabriel’s eyes widened, “Sammoose! I hadn’t even considered that bonus! I was thinking that obviously I’ll make the cake and until we find the perfect combination of Dean and Cassie here, we’ll have to try many recipes!!” If Sam had liked Gabriel, he would have been amused at the way the shorter man was practically vibrating with excitement. Since he didn’t- “Well, congratulations you two. I’m sorry to have to leave so early but I’m working on a deposition and I really need to get some sort of break through before Monday otherwise this asshole is going to walk free. Again.”  

“You still working that Milton case?” Dean asked sympathetically. “The one with the devil name?”  

A sharp gasp came from across the table and Sam and Dean turned to find both Cas and Gabriel with pale faces. Gabriel recovered quickly, plastering a bored languid look on his face, but it was too late, Sam had seen and his senses had sharpened on his sudden prey. He watched as Castiel turned to Gabriel.  

“Brother.”  

Gabriel shook his head. “Not in this lifetime Cassie.”  

“But what if-”  

“Don’t know, don’t care. Don’t go opening that can of worms little brother.”  

The brother’s watched as Castiel slumped in defeat.  

“As you wish.” 

“Excuse me-” Sam interrupted, “but you know Lucifer Milton?” Gabriel let out another small choked sound before he covered his own mouth with his hand. Sam's eyes dilated and narrowed.  

“Gabriel,” he repeated, a warning in his tone, “answer the question. Do you know Lucifer Milton?”  

“I plead the fifth.” Gabriel chirped nonchalantly, swirling the straw of his milkshake around and winking lasciviously at Sam. The desperate act to get him to back off might have worked if Sam hadn’t seen his hand shaking as he reached for said straw.  

“You know I can subpoena you, right?” 

“Ah, ah, Sammy,” Gabriel responded, wagging a finger in Sam’s face, “not without having cause. You can’t subpoena me just because I may or may not know Lucifer Milton. You have no evidence of anything otherwise and I don’t have evidence period. Nor have I witnessed anything.” He added as an afterthought.   

“But you do know him? Or know of him?” Sam emphasized having seen Gabriel navigate loopholes like a pro in the past. He was quick on his feet and saw the world differently than most people. Hell, if he wasn’t an idiot, he’d have made a hell of a lawyer.  

“I know of many people, ya know?” Gabriel enunciated back at him with a small eyeroll, letting Sam he knew exactly what he was getting at. “Including one extremely gorgeous gigantor named Sam Winchester.” 

Sam sighed. Gabriel was obviously a dead end and honestly, he was still a little disconcerted about how much law the guy knew. The guy never ceased to surprise him.   

He looked towards Cas who still had the deer in headlights look on him but one glance at his brother made up his mind for him. He wasn’t going to antagonize anyone. Gabriel was right, people could know of other people and how horrible they were without actually knowing them. He motioned for Dean to let him out and after saying bye to him and Cas (and ignoring Gabriel’s obnoxious waving) he was almost out the door when he heard, “Wait! Sam-a-lama.” Dammit , Sam thought. So close.  

He turned to see Gabriel walking quick with a paper in his hand. “Here, text me so that we can get together and get started with the wedding of the millennia. Bye, Sam!” Sam just stood there as the Tasmanian Devil, otherwise known as Gabriel, tucked a paper into his pants pocket, going far deeper into it than needed while simultaneously going on his tip toes and kissing his cheek.  

I’m fucking straight , Sam thought resignedly as he walked out the front door and got into his car.