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Accidental Parent Acquisition

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It started with a random, clearly rational , thought.

 

“Bruce, I'm partially worried that intern of Foster's is my kid”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Don't you see the resemblance?”

 

Bruce rolled his eyes.

 

-

 

“I don't like it.”

 

“Huh?” Bruce non committedly acknowledged.

 

“Lewis and Cap. They're chummy.”

 

“Tony, she's not your kid.”

 

“I'm not sure about that.’

 

Bruce facepalmed.

 

-

 

Thor, Foster, and her intern were watching some monster movie when Tony dropped in.

 

“Hey Lewis, who's your mom?”

 

“Is this about you thinking you’re my dad?”

 

“Just want to clear all suspicions short stack.”

 

“Stark, I can 100% guarantee I am not your kid. Please drop it.”

 

-

 

“He's gonna keep digging, maybe you should just tell him Darce.”

 

“Jane, let him ruin his own perception of self.”

 

Tony, of course, was just out of earshot.

 

-

 

Plan B.

 

DNA acquisition.

 

Match : 47.6%

 

Parent-child relationship confirmed.

 

-

 

Tony found Lewis in the kitchen, she was baking cupcakes with Jane while Steve and Thor played poker.

 

“Lewis, I did a test.”

 

“Did you get an A?”

 

“Haha very funny.” He shoved a paper in her face. “47.6% match.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“So who's your mom?”

 

Darcy drug her hand down her face.

 

“Tony, I'm not your daughter.”

 

“Well you're not my mom.”

 

Darcy gave him a pointed look.

 

“Ok, I know you didn't necessarily want me to do this, but please take this seriously.”

 

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., please show maternal haplogroups for me, Stark, and Maria Stark.”

 

Maria and Tony, not a match. Darcy and Tony, match.

 

Tony stood dumbfounded.

 

“So that’s who you meant when you said ‘sorry about my idiot son.’ I honestly thought you meant Clint.” Steve, who was dealing his and Thor’s cards, said before Tony even could ask how that was possible.

 

Thor jovely added, “Now I can finally call you nephew!”

 

“What? How? Foster did you open a wormhole?”

 

“Why do I always get blamed for all the weird shit?!”

 

“YOU MESS WITH SPACE TIME.”

 

“Leave Jane out of it, I’m just old. Also I would have never slept with Howard.” She looked vaguely disgusted.

 

“How old?”

 

“Second oldest in the room.”

 

Tony, through the haze of shock managed to put some very important information together.

 

“Wait, none of you were surprised.”

 

“She told us after London.” Jane answered.

 

“Met her back in the 40s with Erskine.” Steve said as he laid out a full house and took the pot.

 

“I’m one third the secret super juice.”

 

Darcy Lewis, if that really was her real name, was his mom……? Which meant her and….

 

“So you and Cap? …...just buds from the past?”

 

Please please please please.

 

Yeah.”

 

THANK GOD

 

“If by buds you mean banging.”

 

Tony fainted.