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Morning Announcements

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“Good morning counselors, David, and every other unregistered safety hazard creature on the grounds. This is Max, your head counselor. The time is 8 am. Make sure to get your asses to the fields, we leave to get the little shit stains in half an hour. Enjoy your last minutes of freedom before 10 weeks of pure hell.  If you’re just waking up, you’re lucky enough to have missed breakfast. Make sure to see David for your bus assignments since we have a whole whopping two this year. Yes you heard right two whole busses. If you have any questions, don’t come to me because I do not care. Oh and make sure to have a camptastic day.”


“Well good morning campers. It’s an early early 8am. Hope you rested well because we have a full day of forced fun in the hot hot sun. If you didn’t bring sunscreen, too bad we don’t have any either. We have some new campers this year so I’d like to lay out some required knowledge. Spooky Island is off limits. I know this makes it much more enticing, but I promise you, we don’t have the insurance to send you to therapy. The only worthwhile thing you’ll eat here is the pudding. Yes, David is supposed to look like that. Don’t bother Gwen if you like living. And finally, the counselors have permission to throw you in the lake without a life jacket if you piss them off. Don’t be a dick, and we’ll have a tolerable summer.”


“Good morning to those who unfortunately have to be here. We’re coming to you a little late this morning because, I just didn’t care enough. Today’s announcements are brought to you by the platypus. Hope you got your shots. Today’s breakfast is oatmeal. Today it’s got cinnamon in it. Lunch isn’t important, and dinner has yet to be caught. Those in arts and crafts today are reminded not to supplement the diet with the macaroni, however, we do not blame you for the temptation. To the counselors, please keep an eye on the children you’re assigned. You really don’t want to be responsible for a repeat of last year.”


“Morning Counselors, Campers, and Creeps. I don’t want to be awake either, but we all make sacrifices. Today’s activities include: archery, fire starting, and gardening. We at Camp Campbell would like to take this time to remind campers that we are not responsible for what you use this combination of skills for on the off season. Quarter Master would like to have the campers know that he knows what you did and who you are. Tonight campfire song will a long stream of screams brought to you by yours truly. Look forward to that campers.”


“Good Afternoon campers. I know we all missed my early morning announcements but I was busy dealing with the skunk issue. Not to worry. I have all the fresh gossip for you to enjoy over your mid day meal. Last place said skunk was seen alive was the kitchen. Quartermaster has no standards, but his potatoes are divine. Whoever put David’s bed in the lake, shame on you. Please be kind to your counselors today as they were up all night on, a team building exercise. To those complaining about the cabins, I have no sympathy due to the fact that when I was unlucky enough to go here, we didn’t have the luxury of mattresses, as thin as they might be. Be thankful you don’t have to sleep on the floor in a decade old tent, and the cabins will look a lot better, a lot quicker.”


“Good morning to those who haven’t managed to escape. It’s going to be a humid one out today, which means the mosquitos are going to be killer. Whoever has the most bites by the end of the day wins. Be sure to head to the lake for the annual counselor medley. Watch as they attempt to last in the toxic waste filled lagoon. Whoever taps out first owes me fifty bucks. Gambling between campers is strictly prohibited and all earnings will go to the camp fund. This is how we afford the bathrooms.”


“It’s a lovely morning to campers, counselors, and senior citizens we respect and adore. Today I would like to share with you some Camp Campbell Camp History. Back in the day, things at Camp Campbell were run much differently. We were run based on the mission to give every camper the camp they wanted, no matter the consequences. Was it dangerous? Were we scarred for life? Of course! But that’s why we’re still at camp to this day. No one else understands the traumatic events we’ve all shared. Hug a counselor today folks. Not me though. David will absolutely cry if you go to him. Try Nikki or Gwen.”


“It’s your daily wake up call for all counselors, campers, and strangers that live out in the woods. First things first, I would like to address the rumors going around that I’m dating Nikki. I would like to inform you that relationships between counselors is prohibited. This is why I’m dating Nikki and Neil. As head counselor, I let it slide. If this bothers you, you’re welcome to come see me about it. Today’s dinner is whatever the platypus left behind. Today’s main activity if the camp wide scavenger hunt. Try not to get lost in the woods, you’re not microchipped.”


“Good morning, good morning. I would like to apologize on behalf of whoever planned last night’s stargazing and this morning’s sunrise observation activities. To those going on today’s hike with David, please remember to bring your trail mix, a hat, a bottle of water, your pepper spray, and whatever makeshift weapon you made in wood carving yesterday. Good luck. We look forward to seeing what you bring back. To those who have reported seeing so called ghosts of past campers, I’ve been instructed to tell you that’s impossible. For more information go see Neil.”


“Rise and shine campers. This is a reminder that camp shirts are required at the camp meet today. I know the yellow is the worst color in the world but we have to send the right message to the other camps. Wood scouts are going to look scary but their head counselor is actually terrible. Mention his acne and he’ll leave you alone. Flower scouts are going to be intimidating but most of them are insecure juuuust below the surface. Use these things to your advantage today. Bring home the win.”


“Hello and good morning counselors and campers. Today we have fruit on the menu. Really. Activities this afternoon include David still trying to get you to sing the camp song, and other almost unbearable things. Nikki will be leading the trails today so prepare for some animal encounters. Neil will be holding some science experiments, or as I like to call it “How to be a huge Nerd.” Explosions will be held to a minimum. Gwen has decided to come out of her cave to teach the senior girls a dance class. A reminder to those disrespecting the very simple 9pm curfew, that that’s my time, and I really don’t want to have to be dealing with you. So, try to be subtle, okay?”


“It’s raining today campers. You know what that means. It’s an indoor activities only day. All outdoor activities planned for the day such as the cotton candy machine, ferris wheel, and managing to get yourself stuck in trees, are cancelled. You will be forced to make friendship bracelets. We have a wide variety of board games and puzzles that are missing pieces. Gwen has a small library in her cabin, though I wouldn’t suggest any of them. David will be holding a lecture on survival skills. It would be close to something interesting, if it wasn’t just on the different kinds of plants. We are however moving movie night to tonight, please submit your suggestion to Neil.”


“Good morning campers. The lost and found is beginning to reach its limit. If you don’t want your stuff to be sold at the end of the summer, I suggest taking a look sooner than later. Today we have free swim, soccer, and trying to find a reason to stay alive. Dinner is whatever mystery camper QM decided to sacrifice, and dessert will cake due to it being one of darling camper’s birthdays. It’s a special treat so get it before it runs out, first come, first serve but if you manage to sing an entire camp song to David, he will give you seconds. On a more personal note, I would like to remind the junior boys that the showers exist for a reason. It took a lot to get them, use them.”


“Good morning Camp Campbell Counselors and Campers. It’s a cabin check day. The cabin with the least amount of infractions gets extra dessert. So find a hiding spot for the porn you smuggled in, move the beds back to where they’re supposed to be, and change your sheets please. Head to the Quartermaster store to pick up this week’s supplies of toilet paper, soap, and disdain for the humans you’re forced to share a small room with for yet another week.”


“Good morning campers. Great news for you. It’s a free day. Some ground rules include; No lake based activities because there’s no one there to keep you from drowning yourself. If you really feel the need to go into the forest, wear bright colors and stay low. If you can’t think of anything to do to keep your small, simple minds occupied, so see David. Fire is also prohibited, only due to the heat warning. Counselors? It’s a free day for you too. Meet me in the cabin for a meeting.”


“Good morning campers. This is Max, your head counselor. The time is 8 am. Make sure to get your asses to the fields, we leave to get you guys home in half an hour. Enjoy your last minutes of freedom before 10 months of pure hell in the real world. If you’re just waking up, you’re lucky enough to have missed breakfast. Make sure to see David for your bus assignments since we managed to keep both intact this year. Yes you heard right, two whole busses made it through the summer. If you have any questions, come to me or one of my fellow counselors, I promise we do actually care. We hope you had as fun of a summer as we did and hope to see you all again next year. Campe Diem, campers.”