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[Grandpa Piss] added [Jojo1868], [Seiko], and 6 others to [The Dankest BatCave]

Jojo1868: Hello, Holly! :D

Seiko: Hi great-grandpa Jonathan! ^u^

SassyLostChild: Good evening Mrs. Kujo, Hi Papa. oh, hi Padre.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: ...

Jojo1868: Hi Dio!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Fuck you, Jonathan. Fuck you too Joseph. And Fuck you especially Jotaro.

[Muda-Muda Motherfuckers] has left the chat

[Jojo1868] has added [Muda-Muda Motherfuckers] to the group chat

Jojo1868: Dio, please.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: why do you insist on having I, Dio, join your little chat?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Jiijii, why?

Grunkle Salad: I'm pretty sure your family's bloodline's cursed, so it would be a good idea to keep in touch.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: What?

Grandpa Piss: Jonathan's a vampire, Dio's a vampire, I'm a vampire, with our luck somebody else is bound to turn eventually.

SassyLostChild: My money's on Jotaro, vampirism seems to go after the tallest members of this family and he already behaves like one.

ButterflyLesbian: but vampires??? Don't??? Exist???? I'm pretty sure Great Grandpa Joseph just got a facelift and dyed his hair brown.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Wait so Joseph's not 50-something?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: yeah, he's almost 100 years old.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: WHAT?!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: eight people in this chat can summon magical fighting ghosts out of their bodies but vampires are too hard to believe?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: If I didn't see Jiijii turn myself, I wouldn't have believed it.

Grandpa Piss: how would you explain Jonathan's disembodied talking head?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Enemy stand.

ButterflyLesbian: Okay, yeah that's kinda weird, but nobody here is a vampire, Joseph's probably just pulling a prank and Dio's just an overdramatic bitchy edge lord.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: DA FUQ YOU SAY ABOUT ME YOU LITTLE BITCH?!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Look out Jolyne! He's gonna throw more knives!

ButterflyLesbian: THROW ALL THE KNIVES YOU WANT, YOU BANANA-AND-GARBAGE-FLAVORED PEACOCK! I LIVE IN FLORIDA, I WRESTLE ALLIGATORS IN JAIL WHILE MY ONE OF MY CELLMATE'S TRYING TO GIVE ME AN EAR PIERCING AND THE OTHER FUCKS A DINGO CORPSE AND TATTOOS HIMSELF AT THE SAME TIME!

Seiko: O_O

Jojo1868: O_O

Grunkle Salad: O_O

SassyLostChild: O_O

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: O_O

Grandpa Piss: What the actual fuck Jolyne?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Jolyne, there are people in this chat who have never been to America, let alone Flordia, don't tell horror stories about there unless they're true.

Jojo1868: Oh good heavens, what have we done...

Chapter Text

Jojo1868: Google, How do I reintroduce Family members to supernatural old rivals without it ending in a giant bloodbath? thank you.

Jojo1868: Oh dear, this isn’t the google. My bad, please ignore that.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Old man, what are you doing?

Grunkle Salad: You wouldn't happen to have met these old rivals at the Speedwagon Foundation have you?

Jojo1868: why yes! how did you know?

Grandpa Piss: GRANDPA NO!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond:

image

Grunkle Salad: Mr. Joestar with all due respect if these 'supernatural rivals' are the pillar men, I will travel all the way to Britan just to punt your head into the deepest part of the ocean where it belongs.

Jojo1868: Please don't.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Do they have cell phones?

Jojo1868: Surprisingly, yes. I think Santana breached security after a power outage and picked them up while he was out. I don't know why he came back though, I should ask him later.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: What's with the pillar men?

Grunkle Salad: I AM BUYING THE PLANE TICKET!

Grandpa Piss: long story short, when I was 18, I fought and tried to kill four immortal buff Aztec gods who ate vampires and tried to become even more powerful, three of them were reduced to body parts that were sent to the foundation to be studied and I launched the fourth one into space, where to this day he's just floating somewhere up there, being an asshole.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: don't leave out the part where you married two of them!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: WHAT?!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: just add them to the group chat.

Grandpa Piss: DON'T ADD THEM TO THE GROUP CHAT!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Afraid of your husbands discovering your messy affairs Joseph?

Grandpa Piss: THEY'RE NOT MY HUSBANDS, COCKWEED!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: If we just keep them on the group chat and don't see them in real life, I probably won't kill them.

Grandpa Piss: IM PRETTY SURE THE RINGS BEING POISONOUS AND BOTH PARTIES ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER DOESN'T MAKE THAT SHAM A REAL WEDDING!

ButterflyLesbian: Holy Shit Great-Grandpa what sort of batshit insane Soap opera did you live when you were a teenager?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Good Fucking Greif, Jiijii what have you done?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: I can't believe this, all this time I've been the Bastard love child of not one, but THREE affairs?!

Seiko: Papa, how could you?! D:

Grandpa Piss: Holly! It's not what it looks like I swear!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: No, the rings being poison, your first groom being the son of your second groom, and you three trying to kill each other is grounds for divorce, not an actual divorce, trust me I went to law school.

Grandpa Piss: YOU WENT TO A VICTORIAN ERA BRITISH LAW SCHOOL, I'M AMERICAN AND IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY. TIMES ARE DIFFERENT, AREAS ARE DIFFERENT, LAWS ARE DIFFERENT, FUCK OFF DIO! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!

[Jojo1868] added [WAKEMEUPINSIDE], [DarudeSandStorm] and 2 others to [The Dankest BatCave]

Grunkle Salad: I AM PACKING FOR THE TRIP RIGHT NOW! GET READY TO GREET DAVY JONES YOU OVERGROWN BRITISH TENTICLE-SPIDER!

Jojo1868: what? adding them seemed like a good idea.

Grandpa Piss: RIGHT NOW?! REALLY?! That's it, I'm out.

Jojo1868: Joseph! Wait!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: I think he left.

Seiko: Hello ...Pillar men?

Kars: Hello human.

DarudeSandStorm: NWPLO JODWYR VKPPFKUME.

ToughBuffHotStuff: HJFhdwuqj edkowfjew weokpjdqhwue dqwijdq

ButterflyLesbian: you two doing all right over there?

DarudeSandStorm: MI RURA

ToughBuffHotStuff: npysme

ButterflyLesbian: It's okay, take your time.

Kars: Wamuu is just a disembodied head and his eyes have not fully healed yet, and Esiidici's just a brain right now. It's going to take a while before their texting is legible, but they're also saying 'hi'. 

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Are you a body part too?

Kars: No, Santana and I are whole.

WAKEMEUPINSIDE: Hello.

ButterflyLesbian: well this guy took his sweet-ass time.

WAKEMEUPINSIDE: I had notifications off and I didn't know I was added until Kars told me.

SassyLostChild: I'm Back what did I miss?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: a 70-something year-long soap opera.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Piss: So the pillar men are staying then?

Kars: yes Joseph, we are staying.

Grandpa Piss: Don't you have an endless void of space to be floating around in?

ToughBuffHotStuff: MH OUO

Kars: shouldn't you be either dead or in a retirement home? it's been over seventy years.

WAKEMEUPINSIDE: Why a retirement home? he doesn't look like he's aged at all, aside from that beard.

Kars: You stay out of this.

WAKEMEUPINSIDE: Or what? you'll demote me to your least favorite son? you can't threaten to do what you already did Kars.

Grandpa Piss: Hey Santana it's you!

WAKEMEUPINSIDE: I actually like that song.

Grandpa Piss: I knew you would edge lord.

[WAKEMEUPINSIDE] Changed their name to [CRAWLINGINMYSKIN]

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: I'm honestly surprised that Jonathan had seen and heard about all his descendants that share his nickname without wanting to punch at least one of them: the cheater, the thug, the thief, the literal fucking mafia leader, and Jolyne knows what she did.

ButterflyLesbian: if you're upset about me telling all of yall about my amazing girlfriend and how incredible she is and how happy I am to be with her, may I remind you that THE UNDEAD DONT NEED SLEEP!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Jolyne, we love you and we're happy that you're happy in your relationship. BUT THAT WAS THREE IN THE GODDAMNED MORNING AND NOT ALL OF US ARE UNDEAD! Some of us need beauty sleep you know?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: unless you plan on sleeping forever, no amount of beauty sleep will fix that rat's nest you call hair.

SineLikeACrazyDiamond: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?!

Jojo1868: Ah yes, Joseph who stopped Vampire-eating gods from destroying the human race, Jotaro who had finished the fight I started and later became an impactful marine biologist, Josuke who stopped SERIAL KILLERS and has strong healing abilities, Giorno who had redeemed an Italian gang, and Lastly Jolyne who had stopped Pucci from resetting the entire universe. Clearly, every descendant of mine who shares my nickname is a hooligan, all of them.🙄

SassyLostChild: Define "redeemed".

ButterflyLesbian: Wait so you're actually ...proud of us? and the people we've become?

Jojo1868: Of course I am! why wouldn't I be? You're all wonderful and talented people who've done more good than harm, in spite of a lot of your strangely morally questionable quirks.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Found Footage of Jonathan, defending his descendants,

Image

Grandpa Piss: He defends you too, all the goddamned time. Welcome to the garbage pile, garbage baby.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: "Welcome to the garbage pile"? Dio's already the garbage king.

ButterflyLesbian: ALL HAIL THE GARBAGE KING!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Wait, no stop.

ButterflyLesbian: Á̸̴̀̕L͘L̡̀͜͜͠ ̢͜H̷̷͠À̀͜͞͞I̢͘̕͞͠L̵͢ ̶̛̕͏T̨͏̴̢̧H͏̵̨̢͠E̶̢͘͞͝ ́́G̷̨͢A͝͏͜R͟B̕͡A̧̡G̷̨E̶̛͞ ҉̡́K̷̡̢͜͝I͏̵N̴̶͜͞Ǵ̷̸͡

Grunkle Salad: but this begs the question, is Jonathan also proud of murder Josuke?

Jojo1868: WHO?!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: don't know, don't care, I'm pretty sure murder Josuke's dead anyway cause nobody's ever seen him.

Jojo1868: WHO IS MURDER JOSUKE?!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Don't worry Jonathan, I'm pretty sure murder Josuke never even existed in the first place and it was a dumb urban legend that started when two dead kids were found.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: So it's a dumb, oddly specific inside joke? like "there's 35 other Karses on Mars and they're all gay for Joseph's dead dad."

Jojo1868:

Grandpa Piss:

Seiko:

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: @CRAWLINGINMYSKIN Explain

Kars: Santana you're grounded.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: I'm 10,000 years old, you can't ground me.

Kars: Yes I fucking can! I'm your father!

DarudeSandStorm: DQMYQMQ XIBT DI UT!

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

DarudeSandStorm: IG NT FPA!

Chapter Text

Kars: Oh really and who is?

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Joseph.

Grandpa Piss: Please leave me out of this. I just grew my hand back!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: it took you that fucking long? really?

Grandpa Piss: Do you know how fucking long it takes to grow your bones back when there's metal in the way? Grow your own goddamned body back before you talk shit, Dio.

Kars: HE'S NOT EVEN A PILLAR MAN!

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: I'm making it official.

Grandpa Piss: really? Of all the pictures of me, you use that one?

ButterflyLesbian: I love how you used the only picture that makes it look like you're smiling.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Sorry dad, it's the only one of you that I could find that had brown hair. You don't exactly show up in non-supernatural mirrors and photography anymore.

Kars: You've never called me dad...

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: and you've never once said: "I love you" or "I'm proud of you, son" you've never even called me your son that's just tough shit Kars.

Jojo1868: Santana, Kars, don't you think that this isn't the time or place to discuss this?

Kars: Fuck off Jojo.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: DON'T JUST TALK TO GREAT-GRANDPA JONATHAN LIKE THAT HE'S ONLY TRYING TO HELP!

Jojo1868: Oh dear...

Kars: JOSEPH MARRIED YOUR FUCKING BROTHER! HE CAN'T BE YOUR FATHER!

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: HE MARRIED ESIIDICI TOO!

Grandpa Piss: I'm getting two divorces. This is too fucking weird, even for this family.

SassyLostChild: Two husbands is too weird for the almost 100-year-old man who has four teenage uncles?

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Wait, dad no!

Grandpa Piss: ONE OF THEM IS THE OTHER'S FATHER AND BOTH OF THEM ARE CENTURIES OLDER THAN ME!

Jojo1868: @Muda-Muda Motherfuckers DIO! WHO ARE THE OTHER THREE SONS?! AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THEM?!

Mud-Muda Motherfuckers: Uh,

ButterflyLesbian: DISEMBODIED HEAD FIGHT!

[Muda-Muda Motherfuckers] has left the chat

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: after reading that I imagined Dio scuttling away like the fucking wind and Jonathan scuttling after him.

ButterflyLesbian: BOOOOO!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: How would they even fight?

DarudeSandStorm: MT KICE@ SPM;T LEZBW NE!

ButterflyLesbian: we put them on Roombas, we tape knives to the Roombas and then we release them to have an epic battle.

 ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: @PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Josuke, some of us have jobs.

Chapter Text

Grunkle Salad: Guys, I think there's a huge problem.

Seiko: oh no! what happened? D:

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: does it involve me?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: What broke?

Grunkle Salad: First off how seriously was the vampire bet thing being taken? because I'm pretty sure Giorno lost.

Kars: are you implying what I think you're implying Caesar? ;)

ToughBuffHotStuff: FffffffFffFffFFffFFf

DarudeSandStorm: F

Grandpa Piss: fuck off bird-brain. Caesar, what are your symptoms? Red eyes? slightly paler skin? fangs? 

Grunkle Salad: My fucking reflection disappeared Joseph.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: F, Goodbye caesar, it was nice knowing you.

Grandpa Piss: yep, sounds like vampirism.

Seiko: OH NO! Caesar are you okay?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: sorry Caesar I don't think I can fix that.

Kars: Caesar, I think I can help! just send me your location and I'll be right on my way.

Grunkle Salad: haha, fuck off.

SassyLostChild: DAMMIT! I HAD FORTY BUCKS ON JOTARO!

ButterflyLesbian: HAHAHA! pay up SUCKERS!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Good grief, I knew I shouldn't have bet on Giorno.

Jojo1868:

Grunkle Salad: YOU GUYS WERE LEGITIMATELY BETTING ON THIS?!

ButterflyLesbian: I mean yeah, Giorno thought dad would turn because he's Batman, Dad thought Giorno would turn because of Dio, and I figured 'wouldn't it be ironic if Caesar was the first to turn?'

Grunkle Salad: How so?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: you're Catholic and Italian.

ButterflyLesbian: and the vampire codes are basically "No Garlic", "No Mirrors", "No Church or religious symbols"... etc.

Grandpa Piss: It's the sunlight thing he has to be worried about, trust me I've been to Italy only once after turning and I've never been back there since then.

Kars: what about the Garlic thing? why would that kill you?

ButterflyLesbian: Blah blah blah, something, something vampire lore.

Jojo1868: I'm confused, when and why did garlic of all things become a vampire killer? I can understand religious imagery, but garlic? isn't that like saying that onions can kill zombies?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: garlic is made out of anti-vampire juice, duh.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Oh shit, Italy is pretty anti-vampiric. Quick! I need someone to take me to Italy at least once in my life before I turn too!

Seiko: I know! we could hold the next family reunion in Naples!

Grandpa Piss: there's only one way to prove if we can actually be killed by garlic... If I'm found dead in my house, put this on my tombstone.

Seiko: PAPA DON'T DO IT! D:

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Okay, but before you try that, am I still in the will?

Grunkle Salad: NONE OF THIS IS A JOKE! I HAVE BECOME A HORRIFYING BLOOD-SUCKING ABOMINATION DAMNED TO LIVE IN THE SHADOWS AND FEED UPON THE BLOOD OF HUMANS EVEN THOUGH I USED TO BE ONE OF THEM!

Jojo1868:

ButterflyLesbian: Are you fucking serious?

Kars: You couldn't Have picked the worst group of people to say that to if you tried.

Grandpa Piss: Low and behold: a sign of the apocalypse, me and Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones over here actually fucking agree on something.

Grunkle Salad: Sorry.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: this is so sad, Alexa play Despacito.

[Kars] changed their name to [Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones]

Grandpa Piss: Really? Are you serious?

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: yes, I am completely serious.

Chapter Text

Grunkle Salad: @Jojo1868 @Muda-Muda motherfuckers Good news guys, garlic cannot kill vampires and there's nothing stopping you from eating over five times your weight in wine and pizza rolls without any physical negative consequences due to the fact we're all technically dead. The bad news is that it doesn't do shit.

Grandpa Piss: doesn't do shit? it still tastes fucking delicious.

Grunkle Salad: We didn't even cook them!

Jojo1868: Caesar, are you okay?

Grunkle Salad: Jonathan, I'm eating frozen pizza rolls and drinking wine with Joseph at 3 in the morning behind Walmart. These are not the actions of a man who is okay.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Caesar, if you're trying to stop your hunger with human food, it won't work. You need blood. It doesn't matter if it came from an animal or a human but you need to drink it if you want to live and If you're trying to die, use the sun, it will be far faster and less painful then spending time with Joseph.

Grandpa Piss: HEY!

Grunkle Salad: Thank you, I'll keep that in mind.

Grandpa Piss: Please tell me you're saying that about the blood thing.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: good to know that Romance is alive and well, even if it does mean that Joseph continues to be a cheating whore.

SassyLostChild: that reminds me, did you ever find out the name of at least one of the women you've fucked? or at least know where my half-brothers are?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: ...

SassyLostChild: Yeah, that's what I thought, you dirty, horribly-dressed Slut.

Jojo1868: Giorno! just because you're right doesn't mean you have to be so vulgar about it!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Jonathan! do you really think that ill of me?!

Jojo1868: Well, I can't say that you try to prove me wrong...

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: This is blasphemy and I will not accept it! Especially from a man who thought it was a good idea to wear FIVE SHIRTS all at once!

Jojo1868: Erina made those shirts! it would be rude to not wear them! besides, wearing five shirts is better than going everywhere practically naked!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Both of you are naked right now. Go to sleep.

Jojo1868: Jotaro, I am wearing a shirt.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: wait. so did you grow part of your torso back or...

Jojo1868: Upper half of my chest and my left arm! It's taking a long time, but it's progress, and it's much easier to text now. I also have part of my right arm but it's currently a stump.

Grandpa Piss: congrats on the regeneration! Maybe after your body's back, we could fly around New York.

Jojo1868: Joseph, while I appreciate the offer you've never had any good luck involving planes.

Grandpa Piss: No, I meant as bats. We can turn into bats.

Grunkle Salad: Wait, really?!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: @Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones You made the masks explain the bat-science birdman.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: No, fuck you.

 

Chapter Text

DarudeSandStorm: Jpe zte yiu rygemerstonf radyrt yjan tje rwst pd ix Jo?

ToughBuffHotStuff: sdcdsvVU SFEHAdjk sgDEadfwih qwRTuwed Joe whWHEF HWQUbdqwNWIU FNk jwdqidJED HUEWHjdaue ihUHFEjewurh

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: rough translations, "How are you regenerating faster than the rest of us Jonathan?" and "if you drink blood at all then you drink less blood than anyone in the chat, even Joseph drinks human blood from those plastic bag things." But seriously, how? I mean a vampire isn't supposed to regenerate faster than us.

Jojo1868: Mostly luck I suppose, I'm honestly not sure myself.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Luck and not an occasional midnight snack? that coincidentally would end with missing person reports soon after?

Jojo1868: I'd rather not drink human blood and you lot all know that.

Seiko: did you try Coconut water? I heard it can be used in a blood transfusion in emergencies.

Jojo1868: No, but I'll keep that in mind next time. Thank you, Holly.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: If you're avoiding human blood then what are you drinking? You still seem fine so I need to know for research purposes.

Jojo1868: Mostly just freshly cut raw meats.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: from what animals?

Grandpa Piss: only the freshest cuts from the elusive 'go fuck yourself you over glorified peacock' bird.

Seiko: Papa! don't be mean! :(

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Wouldn't you be in a nursing home or something if you weren't a vampire?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: It's been over 70 years and you launched the fucker into space to get even, give it a rest old man.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Dad, I know that's not a long amount of time, but it's still pretty petty.

Grandpa Piss:

ButterflyLesbian: Wait, did you see Earth from outer space Kars?

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Yes, but where is this going?

ButterflyLesbian: Is the earth a disc, a velociraptor, a fidget spinner, a cheese, or a big tiddy anime girl?

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: What?

ButterflyLesbian: C'mon man, I have 25 bucks on the line here.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: It is none of those things? because it's physically impossible for the Earth to do that?

ButterflyLesbian: Booooo!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond:

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: IT WOULDN'T WEAR PANTS AT ALL! THERE'S NOT ENOUGH DENIM IN THE WORLD FOR YOU TO DO THAT!

ButterflyLesbian: but you didn't deny the flat earth, so it's real!

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: NO! FLAT EARTH IS NOT FUCKING REAL! IT WAS A STUPID ASSUMPTION HUMANS MADE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO!

Grandpa Piss: the problem isn't the shape, you just left out this bad boy.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Why did you make me see that with my own two eyes Mr. Joestar?

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw bones: Are you prepared to die over this fucking turtle Joseph?

Grandpa Piss: Meet me behind the 7-Eleven, 3 am, no powers just fists and fury. anybody else in the chat can come but they can only watch.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: I'll bring a camera!

Grunkle Salad: I'll bring popcorn.

Jojo1868: please don't do this.

Chapter Text

[Muda-Muda Motherfuckers] Added [Grandpa Piss] to [Will delete Later]

Grandpa Piss: What the fuck Dio?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Joseph I need your help with something.

Grandpa Piss: No.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: You didn't even hear me out!

Grandpa Piss:

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Really?

Grandpa Piss: Have you ever wanted to do anything involving interacting with me or anybody else in my bloodline/family that wasn't illegal and or morally wrong?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: what about that housewarming party?

Grandpa Piss: Arson is illegal.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: the Aquarium trip?

Grandpa Piss: While hilarious in hindsight, it was still illegal and I don't think Jotaro will ever forgive you for doing that to that poor dolphin.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: The Christmas Party?

Grandpa Piss: the one where you tried and failed to poison my mom, the one where you gave Avdol a pair of hand warmers and a burnt dog corpse, or the one where you threw a knife at my butt?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: that baby shower a few years back?

Grandpa Piss: Again illegal, and while I should've said it there if you ever bring strippers to any family event ever again I will personally launch you and whatever remains of your slutty gang into space.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: What about that french guy who was there?

Grandpa Piss: Polnareff's not a stipper! and even if he was, at least he doesn't belong to a death cult.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: I don't have a death cult!

Grandpa Piss: one guy literally killed himself to avoid betraying you.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: What he decides to do with his life or rather his death is none of my business.

Grandpa Piss: Dio, you might be a shitty lawyer but you're still a lawyer. You should know at least some of the fucking laws.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Look, we're getting off topic, do you still have those spirit photos of me either half naked or completely naked posing dramatically in the darkness?

Grandpa Piss: Did you seriously just ask me that?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Did you keep them or not?

Grandpa Piss: I'm going to bed.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: IT'S 8 PM!

Grandpa Piss: Over wherever you are maybe.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: I'm outside your house!

Grandpa Piss: No you fucking aren't.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Are you sure?

Grandpa Piss: How did you get here? you're a disembodied head!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: I have my ways.

Grandpa Piss: No seriously, I need to know.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: You leave me no choice Joseph Joestar.

Grandpa Piss: Stop throwing rocks at my window!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Give me a goddamned answer!

Grandpa Piss: You're still just a head, I'm not helping you catfish somebody.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: I don't need them to do that.

Grandpa Piss: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED THEM FOR?!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: I just remembered that there was this one American woman who I fucked without killing and I need to give her a souvenir of the experience.

Grandpa Piss: Why?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: If she fucks me and Lives, do you think that I, Dio Brando will just let this woman forget about it?

Grandpa Piss: And who is this woman? Do you know her name?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: No, but I did see her in a coffee shop nearby.

Grandpa Piss: Let me get this straight, you fucked this woman, you forgot about this woman, and now that you remembered her, you want me to give you a picture of yourself so you can give it to her.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Exactly.

Grandpa Piss: Look, Dio, I can't fucking stand you. I am honestly baffled by the fact that Jonathan CAN stand you, but I can admire your dedication to your strange, slutty lifestyle. So I'll tell you what, never go near my house ever again and I'll give you the photo.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Deal.

Grandpa Piss:

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Have I ever told you how much I hate you?

Grandpa Piss: Okay, here's the real dick pic.

Chapter Text

Seiko: Papa, why have I received an invitation to Uncle Caesar's Funeral? D:

Grunkle Salad: Don't worry I'm just legally dead again. Throwing a funeral will make it seem like I really died.

Sekio: Oh, thank goodness! I was worried about you.

SassyLostChild: "I'm just legally dead again" Excuse me but what the fuck?

Grandpa Piss: back in the late 1930s, everybody thought me and Caesar died so they held our funerals on the same day. I thought that Caesar was really dead and vice versa, both of us crashed our own funeral and it ended like this.

Followed by a fistfight, spending the night in the local jail, and sobbing over cheap booze and soggy pancakes in the early 1940's version of Dennys the following morning.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: I'm honestly surprised it took you that long to put spiderman in here.

Grandpa Piss:

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: you are playing a very dangerous game Josuke...

Grunkle Salad: Before you ask, yes Josuke, you are in my will.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Thanks Caesar, you're the best undead uncle ever!

ButterflyLesbian: Okay, I know you plan on fake-dying to commit tax evasion and run off with my great grandpa into the not-sunset or whatever but hear me out: during the funeral, I play an instrumental version of this and until everybody in the chatroom there screams 'wait, he isn't dead Shiza surprise!' and then you dramatically jump out of the coffin.

Grandpa Piss: So basically, you want him to repeat what I did at my second funeral.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Polnareff had a fucking heart attack, you shitty old man.

ButterflyLesbian: Wait, that actually happened and I missed it?!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: yeah, but that song didn't exist yet so instead a bunch of piano covers of Weird Al songs were played. Nobody knew it was weird Al until Jiijii sprang out of the coffin like the world's shittiest jack in the box.

Grandpa Piss: Don't worry, Joylne. I'm sure I'll have to fake my death again sometime in the near future.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: I'm not going to your funeral again.

Grandpa Piss: you're no fun.

Chapter Text

MurderJosuke: 'sup motherfuckers.

A-Fucking-Egg: Hello :D

Jojo1868: very funny guys, April fools day was actually a few days ago.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Who are you?

Jojo1868: wait, If you didn't change your username...

A-Fucking-Egg: your great nephew Jouta.

MurderJosuke: I'm you but a cryptid.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Like Mothman? 

MurderJosuke: sure let's go with that.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: OH MY GOD YOU'RE REAL?!

Jojo1868: Oh dear.

MurderJosuke: aren't you a fucking vampire-eating Aztec god?

AmericanIdiot: WHat the absolute fuck is all of this bullshit? some weird-AF obscure memes?

ButterflyLesbian: Hi mom.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: who added these losers?

AmericanIdiot: Who are you calling a loser, slut?!

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO CALL I, DIO, A SLUT?!

AmericanIdiot: someone with a fucking pair of working eyes.

Grandpa Piss: Hoe, Don't do it unless you're playing this.

SassyLostChild: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Jojo1868: DON'T. START. THIS.

SassyLostChild: sorry.

DarudeSandstorm: Wait so who's the hoe?

AmericanIdiot: the goddamned moldy-banana assed motherfucker who looks like a would-be star of a scrapped porno featuring Zeus with a piss fetish. Who the fuck do you think?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Is this about the Baby shower? Or is there another fuckup that Dio did and I don't know about.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: You do not know what you're dealing with...

AmericanIdiot: YES I FUCKING DO! MEET BE BEHIND THE WALMART IN 5 WHEN YOU WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR ASS KICKING PISSBABY!

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Good God I missed you.

Grunkle Salad: I think I see where Jolyne got it from.

A-Fucking-Egg: Not-Mom! don't do it!

AmericanIdiot: who the fuck is you?

MurderJosuke: Do it for the vine Mrs. Kujo!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Vine is dead.

MurderJosuke: and so's the 60s, but that hasn't stopped you from wearing your hair like that.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?!

ButterflyLesbian: but you two have the exact same hair... 

MurderJosuke: Mine's better.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, COWARD?!

Grandpa Piss: When Josuke kills murder Josuke would it be suicide or homicide?

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Homicide, they're technically different people.

Chapter Text

MurderJosuke: wait, if April fools is over then when does it actually start?

Grunkle Salad: April 1st.

DarudeSandStorm: I told you so.

MurderJosuke: well, fuck.

[MurderJosuke] changed their name to [ToughBuffHotStuff]

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: if murder Josuke's a fake then does that mean that @A-Fucking-Egg is someone else too?

A-Fucking-Egg:

 

AmericanIdiot: I have no idea what the hell that's supposed to convey other than making me want to hunt you down and bash your goddamned skull into the nearest semi-hard surface I can find like a rapid feral chimpanzee.

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: If Esidiici was the chat's MurderJosuke Does this mean that Murder-Josuke isn't real?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING SENTIENT PILES OF DOG SHIT DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO FLOOD MY EMAILS, MY PHONE, AND ALMOST EVERY FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT I HAVE WITH PICTURES OF CLOWN PORN?!

ButterflyLesbian: tell me more about this clown porn, is it porn of a bunch of different clowns or porn of the same clown?

AmericanIdiot: didn't you ask my Ex Grandpa-in-law to send you your nudes?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Jolyne, if you really want to know then I can send you them.

SassyLostChild: Like mother like daughter. (Also dad, WTFH)

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Is this the clown?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: YES! THAT'S THE BITCH!

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Wow, I can't believe Dio's a clown fucker.

Grandpa Piss: Found one more of your nudes.

 

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: Grandpa why?

Grandpa Piss: Jotaro, Dignity is worthless and pissing off the motherfucker who damned me to live as a bloodsucking parody of a human being is priceless.

Seiko: ...I can't believe you people made me see that with my own two eyes.

DarudeSandStorm: the 'food' or whatever Joseph put in this unholy chat?

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Humanity is doomed to a life of inflicting misery on others. and I weep knowing that Nothing I ever do will thwart your kind in the long run.

Jojo1868: Everybody, I have good news and bad news.

Jojo1868: Okay, I have just read this chat and it appears that this is the worst possible time to tell you what happened.

Chapter Text

SassyLostChild: what's the deal with the egg guy?

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: enemy stand.

SassyLostChild: ...As in he is one or...

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: don't know, don't care.

A-Fucking-egg: I'm not an enemy stand! Or any kind of stand!

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: From my experience, if it comes out of an egg, it's a stand.

ButterflyLesbian: IF HE EGG, HE'S A STAND!

Grunkle Salad: What I hate the most about this is that it implies that somewhere there's a guy who's stand ability is making people come out of eggs.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: there's a stand that does that? sounds pretty useless.

PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal: there are stands for everything, I'm sure if you look hard enough you can find somebody who's stand ability is moving everything in the area exactly two inches to the left.

AmericanIdiot: So some of you guys are vampires? As in, actual legit vampires?

Jojo1868: unfortunately, yes.

AmericanIdiot: ...do y'all sparkle in the sunlight?

Grunkle Salad: No, we just burst into flames on contact and if we manage to drag ourselves into a dark area in time 

Jojo1868: How and where did you get that Idea?

ButterflyLesbian: Mom, no, they're the cool vampires.

Grandpa Piss: Kars sparkles.

ButterflyLesbian: ...All but one of them are the cool vampires.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: I can Literally become any life form that I want to, How is that not cool?

Grunkle Salad: because you got your ass handed to you on a silver platter by a man who had memorized an entire Weird Al album.

Grandpa Piss: and what's wrong with that?

ButterflyLesbian: haven't you got the memo? glitter and vampirism do not mix, the great vampire and drag queen war of 1939 did not have to happen for humanity to learn this but it did anyway.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: between this and the time Alessi told me about the dog Russia launched into space, I'm beginning to think that you people are making stuff up are you go along.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Russia did WHAT?!

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Calm down, the dog was safe and wasn't even in space for that long.

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: didn't that dog have a similar fate to Danny?

CRAWLINGINMYSKIN: Who's Danny?

Jojo1868: Dio no.

Chapter Text

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Hey Caesar?

Grunkle Salad: yeah?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Do you still live in Italy?

Grunkle Salad: I've moved to New York for the time being. When I first turned I was in enough denial to act like nothing had happened but when I lost my left leg to the sun, I figured it was time to wait until the sun goes down, pack the necessities and move before the sun rose again.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: Ouch. Did you grow your leg back or...?

Grunkle Salad: It's been a long and slow regeneration process. But yes it is back.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: So vampirism is shit when it comes to regrowing limbs, good to know, bad to hear.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: If you actually DRANK the goddamned blood you wouldn't just have your leg back good as new but you'd have a plethora of other cool powers at your disposal. But Nooooo you assholes insist on making things harder for yourselves for what? 'morality'? 'humanity'? some other piece of bullshit?

Grandpa Piss: how about: 'it's easier to get bagged blood and I'm not going back to prison especially now that I'm legally dead and guards will get really fucking suspicious if I serve a life sentence and don't age a day'

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: Sucks to suck but I'm better.

Grunkle Salad: At least my leg is actually growing back, you've been a disembodied head for how many decades again?

Muda-Muda Motherfuckers: ...fuck you.

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Wait, Jonathan's been a head for over 100 years and has only recently been regenerating at a rapid pace, Joseph's been a vampire for twenty-something years and has grown his hand back slower then usual due to the prosthetic, Dio's been a head ever since  Joseph became a vampire, showing no signs of regeneration and now Caesar's been a vampire for a few months and his leg had slowly but surely grew back? what the fuck sort of blood amounts have all of you been taking?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: ...and hypothetically... If someone became a vampire, how much blood would they need to start drinking?

Grandpa Piss: Josuke...

Sparkle-Slaughter McChainsaw Bones: Well, If someone 'hypothetically' became a vampire then they would 'hypothetically' need as much blood as they could get their hands on. Not because all that fresh blood in their systems makes them all the tastier but because it speeds up the regeneration process enough for it to actually be a useful ability. If you'd like an actual number, 'hypothetically' drink 10,000 people every single day. Speaking of hypothetical situations, Josuke, have you been feeling under the weather recently? If so I highly recommend the 'hypothetical' advice.

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: You make it sound like you're 'hypothetically' planning to fatten me up to eat me...

Grunkle Salad: @SassyLostChild @ButterflyLesbian @PoseidonPlayedByCr1tikal all right, we all know some assholes on this chat made their bets, who won and who lost this time?

JoJo1868: MORE IMPORTANTLY, Josuke, what happened? Is there a vampiric threat somewhere in Morioh? Any Disappearances?

ShineLikeACrazyDiamond: best case scenario: Vampirism is pseudo-genetic in the same way that stands are. Weirdest case scenario: Rohan is a sadistic dick who figured out how to get his stand to work on me and is now using me as his muse for his new weird vampire manga. Worst case scenario: there's a new serial killer in Morioh. One who's gonna be hell to beat.

AmericanIdiot: ...Is now a bad time to announce I won the bet?