Actions

Work Header

When We Mourn the Wild

Chapter Text

When you feel the ribs vibrate with each beat

Playing from the radio

Blood red heart up in the face and a mind between dreams

 

You rest your head on the window and telephone lines dip to lift time

       -Up and Down

 

And then there’s a soft texture of sitting on the bed,

Body curled into your mom’s body, warmth radiating as would a cat to her kits

The book is open, fantastical images of I spy

And her voice rumbles into your body and you stay in that frame

 

Sometimes I wish for something soothing, for those dreamlike memories

Kind of like when eyes go a bit lazy and can’t focus on anything particular

 

Sometimes i mourn for the unknown, and,

Crying seems right

 

All i know is right now

Since the future

is unbearable to think about

Chapter Text

My room is bathed in blue dawn

Grey light in the Spring Air

Sea breeze at my window

 

And my body is a hollow existence

A swallowed heart

With tender flora in lungs

 

I Know that my high hopes are

Kept small

 

Let the sun warm a drowned soul

And calm my senses

Parfois

je suis chagrin

 

I’ll be ok I’ll be ok

 

“Ça va”

Chapter Text

Stay stay stay

The stars and warm midnight

 

And It’s sad how everything is just

A little fuzzy

 

Tossing pennies into the ocean

 

And a heart laced in metal

 

Deer eyes in my mind

I’m left crying for a week

 

Sunrise spilling color

Into California blood

 

I can’t make myself stay stay stay

 

Blue as the solstice

Cracked ribs Drown in turpentine

 

Fly fly fly

My feelings disappear in clouded breaths

Chapter Text

At hairline’s edge is spoken vibrations

Starlight in a slanted mouth

 

I’ll settle I’ll settle

Tie up your thoughts

 

My hands wrap around your throat

Thumbs at a soft pulse

 

I’m up all night in love with a

Ghost

 

Lazy stretch of skin

Skin and bone

 

And I’ll croon a story of how

 

I carve my dreams

Chapter Text

I always think about how to die

But then I remember,

 

I am already

Dead

 

I do not let myself feel anything except for

Sorrow

Panic

Apathy

 

If I had it my way

I would sleep and never wake up

 

It would be perfect

 

And no one would be the wiser

That

I

Am

Gone

Chapter Text

The stars have settled into my stomach

 

I need to sleep forever

Where I dream of living in a celestial body

 

And instead

Burn my eyes out every night

Forcing the universe out of my mind

 

Forget that flowers bloom in my

Diaphragm

 

All I know about nighttime

Is to curl up into a ball

Cry,

And hope that the silver light

Stays forever

Chapter Text

I want to tear my skin inside out

So that my dead soul

spills

On

My

Hands

 

I am a flighty bird full of

violence

 

Feverish from dry-heaving crying

And nothing changes

From tears

 

Punishing myself for every breath I’ve taken

I am unnecessary

 

I am silent

 

I am tired

Chapter Text

Thin shadows stretching my dull mind

Head down down down

 

One step two step three step

 

Set a tempo to my thoughts

I focus on my feet

 

Take the path of least resistance

 

No harm harm harm

 

Just a ball of sorrow wrapped in blankets

Good night moon

 

I’ll make sure my love is infinite

Chapter Text

#the eyes do not know you #they are a vast pool of obsidian #reaching into the depths of your soul #you see my universe but I do not see yours #and I can't help #but get entangled with every neurone #just breathe and you will be okay for a nano second #go on #spill your blood #and I shall spill mine

Chapter Text

#oh how the stars caress the soul #when no one is there to dry your tears #and time arcs into a soft dawn #and the forest breathes with your blooming lungs #until then #may the silent night hold you alive

Chapter Text

I’m a ghost and you all know it

  1. has no sense of time
  2. sleeps all the time
  3. cries a lot

Chapter Text

Hey

A soft “how are you”

 

And then I’m gone

 

I’m always sleeping

Always starving

 

I’m so closed up

Yet so open

 

Altruistic,

silent,

burned,

 

For fear that I don’t deserve help

Or

That I’m asking too much

 

I bundle things up

And become a powder keg

.

.

.

I’m selfish

just for writing this nonsense

Chapter Text

When the ribs contract

 

The sorrow aches to burst out

It’s painful

 

Black hiccups

 

Flowers have yet to bloom from my being

 

But one day it will

 

But for now

 

Let sadness run its course

Till’ dawn

Chapter Text

The heart that is self sustaining is now drowning in its own creation;

gripped by the vice of its host

And the brain self-destructs

And I am now star dust

Chapter Text

In lighter moments

When I’m not drowning
I notice

The way the morning light spills onto my bed

Or how the fog clings to the tree line

The wet air in my lungs

The smell of redwood

How people’s lips move
And
When my shell has opened up

there is comfort in knowing what
You are saying without sound

Those are the best moments
Because I know your speech
Intimately

second nature to rephrase and repeat

…and I like that freedom

Chapter Text

I always have cold hands and feet

 

But some days my entire being is frozen

With a deep melancholy

 

The kind felt when

The mind is a

Black

Tundra

 

“Just one more year”

I tell myself

 

And I smother myself with

Hopelessness that I’m unworthy

 

Unworthy of life

 

Of my thoughts and contribution

To the air I breathe

 

Turning gold into lead

That’s what I’m best at

 

Late during witching hour

 

Behold! the vena cava

 

Thwarted once again

 

I’m done for now.

Chapter Text

I’m too exhausted to know

My own desires

 

Hello my love

Let me dry your tears say the constellation above

 

I croon to myself

Digging deeper and deeper into the earth

 

Till the celestial bodies envelop me

Chapter Text

I’m tired

I’m tired

I’m tired

My body says

 

I disappear in my room

Toes cold

 

Unbridled nausea

Slow crack of ribs

 

Cat naps

lifetime of sleep

 

And now i will curl away

And feel my heartbeat sleep

Chapter Text

Careful measured steps

Careful measured steps

 

A line so delicate

 

Out of control so easily with one misstep.

 

Too many missteps

 

Must avoid at all costs

 

Breatheinbreatheout

 

Calm calm calm calm

 

Burst at seams with unbidden thoughts

 

Lump at back of throat

All

The

Time

 

Head screams

 

Haven’t allowed self in long time

 

To tell what?

 

All words not spoken

 

To scream, rage, scathe.

 

If i allowed self

 

I would be scared of self

 

A self so full of emotions

 

Careful measured steps

Careful measured steps

 

Calm calm calm calm

 

Nonononononononononononononono

 

Lump at back of throat



Cries in midnight black

Blank walls

Blank face

 

Cannot fix things

inequitable to fix things

 

Breatheinbreatheout

 

Balance of scales tipped

 

No more

 

Self tied to people that i

 

Give give give give give give give

All the time

Give give give give give give give

 

Lump at back of throat

 

One slip up

Ireparable

Mustavoidatallcosts

Cannotfixthings

Nonononononononononononononono

 

Careful measured steps

Careful measured steps

 

A line so delicate

 

Out of control so easily with one mistep.

 

Breatheinbreatheout

Chapter Text

I don’t know what I’m grieving for

Anymore

It’s an ugly sort of sadness

Wet face and all, dry heaving

 

Firefly souls jarred up

And I forgive them

 

Forgive forgive forgive forgive

 

And the hour hand reminds me

Time is up time is up time is up

 

Should’ve been long dead by now huh?

 

But I’m not.

 

Warm meat still beats and beats asking

Why grieve?

 

My own damn voice is scared of the future

And for a lost past

 

And it’s very easy

To

Not

Be

Chapter Text

Last fall,

I spent my birthday alone and suicidal

 

I had stopped eating

Hoping that I would quietly disappear from people’s lives

 

No contact on my phone

I had not left my dorm in two weeks

 

I spent my time crying or sleeping

And my nights killing my soul

 

It was fierce

Every vein was tired

 

Even my heart was tired

 

Neutrons dropping piece by piece

Neurones pealing away and away

Till I was left with a curled up spine

 

For days on end when I got home

 

I was a ghost

A stranger to myself

Packed up my mind and left for a vacation

Away from white static

 

I read Wild that year

And I cried for hours afterwards

Because I hurt so much

And needed meaning

 

MDD needs maintenance

I found out

Left unmanaged it grows into a leech

And then you’re trying to deal with a sucking wound

 

There was a lot more clarity

When I adopted a kitten

 

Neville

 

A routine given to me by a mere

 

7 week old

 

Each day when I’d clean his litter

I’d hold up the trash bag to show

And tell him:

“That’s your shit”

 

And in a funny way- I was throwing out

my own shit

 

And all Neville would respond with is a peep

and play with a string

 

In hindsight

A lot of poop could have been avoided

If I’d just told someone how shitty my brain was being

 

But things are getting better

 

I’m still highly unsure of my future

But I’m certain of the present

 

But there’s still a lot of poop to be dealt with

 

And now a devil nugget that I love very much

Chapter Text

When you fall for nostalgia

That perfection behind corpus callosum

 

Blind lateralisation

Blood under fingernails

 

When does the heart reach

Full gestation?

 

Maybe I’ll find it in

The full bloom

Of a sunflower?

 

Cracked orange pumpkins

On the sidewalk

 

I pass by

 

And I think about how

maybe

I’ve been carved out too much

 

But the difference is

I willingly did that to myself

 

But I suppose….

 

I’ll carve a masterpiece now

Chapter Text

I wish I had a tidal moon chart

For my ebbing emotions

 

Or maybe that daytime existed 24/7

For my mind doesn’t desire sleep

I distract my thoughts

And stay late into the dawn

 

When the tired light floats into

The room

 

I sleep at last

Vivid dreams spurring life

 

And this horrible cycle continues on

 

Let the starfish rest elsewhere rather than my cranium

 

Dear friend,

are you out to swim with me?

 

Jar up this early light

for me then-

 

And wherever you go

 

You’ll have joy.

Chapter Text

Archaic genius

Glacial youth

 

Tell me what you mean

Scrawled words on a desk

“Your heart is the harshest”

All in a silver lining

 

Glass hearts

Sparrows dart

Round and round you go, like

 

Fan whirring in slow motion

 

Lazy summer days-

Memories or daydreams?

 

Lets draw a constellation

Where you jump from

Life to life

 

Hello

Hi

How are you?

 

What did you mean?

Did you mean

 

The

    Secret

              Of

                  Life?

 

“Here is the start

And here is the end”

 

Says the ghost of the raven

 

Take a step backwards into the

Babbling brooks of childhood

 

And you’ll find that everything about life

 

Is found

In

The

Silence

Chapter Text

Slanted body and world

In a film noir

 

Sometimes

Forget

 

How melancholy grips my ribs

 

How Id love

To

Give in

 

It’s so easy to think at 3am

With acrid elements

 

I just need to rest my lungs

Share it with some flowers 

Growing in a kind soul’s bronchi

 

My worries are simplistic

For i spread them far and wide

Into 

The 

Sea of dreams

 

Goodnight.

Chapter Text

Here no one sleeps

Midnight classic

 

Swallow my heart whole 

Reach into Mercury 

To grasp my face

 

Jagged life aren’t i?

 

Oh my love says myself

Palm catches words 

Along a sad jawline

 

I’m

Awake

You’re 

Asleep

Hey, chin up life

 

I hope I am fine today

 

Let me hear your marrow for once,

 

And perhaps you will stop the raven from lapping up the universe 

that flows through my veins

Chapter Text

   

Now this is a story of how life gets flipped upside down

but this is not about

how you can become the prince of Bel-air

it’s about how there are people 

who don’t have a voice

 

For me, my friends, for stories that never

get voiced

 

A story of how

People stop you and pray

“May God cure your deafness”

 

where people are told that the devil

possesses their kid

 

Because the Pastor failed

to restore their HEARING

 

A story of how

People avoid that deaf kid

 

12 and tender

“You’re fucking stupid- you can’t sit here”

 

You are disease to humankind

smudged into the dirt of the soccer field 

 

A story of how

2007 phones now had cameras

Recorded humiliation

that gives me nightmares years later

 

A story of how

On a sunny day in the afternoon

I am there in the kitchen 

knife poised at the ready

to pluck out my heart 

like Little Jack Horner

 

And a prequel

of how I was pelted with pinecones

 

A story of how

A sensitive soul let them self be crushed by the universe

 

A story for a young girl

who was shamed into silence

 

slandered with no choice

tabloid paparazzi

Ganesh did not give us an obstacle-

Ganesh cursed you

with a deaf daughter

 

A story of how

My parents were told

“give up”

 

“bice” (rice)  “up”

 

tantrums

 

A story of how

Each and everyone of us cried at a panel

How we got out of our chairs

linked hands forming into a huddled spiral

 

how we traded one life story for another life story

 

A story of how 

The ADA lies

loopholes districts and businesses jump through

 

how a person had to fight for CC

in Rhode Island

in

2012

 

how someone sued their school district

for denying accommodations

 

The sole reason?

 

“This student gets good grades”

 

A story of how

Your intelligence is proof of being

a liar

 

You’re accepted as deaf

because

you pass as hearing

 

The fuck kind of privilege

is that?

I hate that

 

A story of how 

People underestimate your potential

“We don’t recommend honors courses”

I’m deaf, not dumb

 

the author would like to note that the above phrase is overused

 

A story for how 

People who sign, can still have no voice

People who are oral, can still have no voice

Silent battle for the decades

history sleeps for the signing history

 

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

 

A story of how 

There is no ending

 

This is a story with no ending

 

An epilogue from the author:

BE INFORMED BECAUSE

-  YOU DON’T LIVE OUR LIFE

-  PEOPLE LISTEN TO YOU

-  YOU ARE THE ONES THAT DECIDE OUR FATE

  

WE COME FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE

 

ADD YOUR STORY

Chapter Text

Blood of the young 

And a grey sky of the sun yet to rise

 

You’ve held yourself so strongly 

That it’s hard for you to let go

 

You can’t function without the fight or flight response

 

Wouldn’t it be easier

If someone held you firmly enough 

That even if you fell apart 

You still remain in one piece?

 

And then you fight bloody instincts 

the naked want to tear her face off

 

For using you

And having the audacity to walk away like they’re the victim

 

And i have to start all over

 

Build my life again

 

Because you made me your only world 

And restricted my world to a singularity

 

And everything spiralled out of control 

Feeding each other’s bad habits 

 

And we couldn’t separate where we began

And where we ended

 

We were one entity

 

We were merciless and parasitic

 

Ending charades was the solution

 

But you’ve moved on like nothing happened

 

God 

If I see you again 

Fuck you

 

That’s ten years of my life 

Only having you in my life 

Unable to have a life of my own

 

I want to sink my nails into your face 

Let you feel my pain 

That I could never show 

Because you were a ticking time bomb 

Well guess what

 

My powder-keg has reached a limit

 

I hate how you never bothered to even learn the ASL alphabet 

I hate how you never uttered my name 

I hate how you avoided using any pronouns at all for me 

Even when I told you I wanted to be referred with “he/him”

I hate how callous you were when I was struggling to get my first binder 

I hate how your insecurities fueled 

My eating habits 

For years I skipped lunch 

And when I got to university 

The stress of taking care of your life 

And being the second therapist to the actual therapist you paid to see 

I fucking starved myself 

If you had a good day 

I got to eat a granola bar

 

I

 

It is so hard 

To remind myself to eat 

Because I will easily go a day 

Without food 

And not feel the hunger

 

I have days where I don’t hurt any more 

I have days where I do hurt

 

I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a long time though

 

You owe me your life 

But it’s retribution I won’t get

 

So good riddance 

I’m sorry that this ever happened

 

So I’ll move on 

And lay these feelings to rest

Chapter Text

God, when you mourn for something 

That kind of overwhelming grief that-

Despite everything

Has no rhyme or reason 

You get the highest of highs

And the lowest of lows

 

Quiet nights spent wishing that you aren’t a fool

Giving so much of your soul away to a person

Who never did appreciate it 

I was a dead man crawling through shadows of doubt

In the hopes that I would reach somewhere safe

Chapter Text

Why not bury my own dead flesh

Asks the mask

 

surpassing Icarus 

Who'd care to know that I would one day be gone?

 

I could not truly disappear 

From myself, my life, and the people who knew

 

Or didn’t know me

 

So I stripped myself down unsure 

 

72 pounds

 

simpler 

Efficient

It was the closest I got to being absent

 

65 pounds

“I’m okay, I will be okay” are my tentative words

hips that jut All raw tears 

 

Untangle this mess

Where to begin?

 

Treat myself gently 

Let myself feel deeply

 

Was I thriving?

 

Chasing down whatever could provide clarity

filling my cup 

with absent love

 

Just start

And keep going

 

Or else itll be-

Before i can reach myself

 

Game

Over

Chapter Text

Unable to sleep knowing that daylight is violent,

Revelation waits with sharp teeth

The wild will go on

 

I offer up the plot of my life under the harvest moon 

She will carry me away with the tides and release me from this realm

I drowned in the stars waiting for the end

 

Smoke burning the eyes

Laboring to birth purpose

 

Wet in the menstrual blood

Teeth bared on iron

 

Drink the blood of your enemies they say

 

over the game of Corpus Luteum