Work Header

Accessible TLC stuck

Chapter Text

[Panel description: An open trollian application. In the top right is an open window listing the available threads, which read:

CGG: look at my new haircut!
CGT: help deciphering denizen riddles?
FTG: denizen translation services 5 k BB.
CGC: legal help services 413 k BB.
CTT: Competition for most heavy handed land quest symbolism. Entrants post here.
FTG: ha ha turns out I don't actually crave the sweet embrace of death send help
CGA: anyone who desires a wardrobe redesign express your interest here.
CEB: any other messages for dead people? It looks like that's my job now.
PTT: I have delicious donuts. This isn't an offer to share. I just wanted everyone to know I have them.
CGG: who trashed my kitchen? There's frosting everywhere.
CCG: Carapacian volunteer army strategic command center.

In the lower left corner is another open window labeled 'Bulletin board: let's win the game, guys.' The beginning of the page's pester log is visible. A cursor flashes in the text entry field.]

PAST Ecto Biologist [PEB] 6 HOURS AGO opened public bulletin board let's win the game, guys!

CTT RIGHT NOW opened memo on board let's win the game, guys!
CTT: (Rose) I have another mission for anyone willing to take it.
CURRENT Tipsy Gnostalgic [CTG] responded to memo.
CTG: you’re really dishing out the secret missions rose.
distributing killer party favors at the world’s deadliest birthday party.
it is janeys b day isn’t it?
almost forgot with all the scheming and carnage.
that’s p bad what with how Jake was getting it for that yesterday.
CURRENT Ecto Biologist [CEB] responded to memo.
CEB: it's mine too!
CTG: (Roxy) wow really? happy b day.
enjoy your scheming plus carnage.
CEB: it's traditional.
CURRENT Gutsy Gumshoe [CGG] responded to memo.
CGG: You know, I think the stakes are high enough that birthdays and the forgetting thereof can be overlooked for now.
We can celebrate later if we're all still alive.
CTT: (Rose) This mission isn't particularly secret.
In fact, I already have certain individuals in mind.
Namely, John.
CURRENT Turntech Godhead [CTG] responded to memo.
CTG: he’s the obvious choice isn’t he?
only person left with unlimited mobility.
CURRENT Garden Gnostic [CGG] responded to memo.
CGG: (sad face).
CTG: (Dave) sorry.
sore subject.
CGG: (Jade) it’s ok, I’m getting used to it.
CTT: (Rose) Also, his powers make him most qualified to disrupt the Alpha timeline.
Though I’m not sure how far that extends, so if it looks like your decisions might paradoxically prevent our births without even accidentally seducing your own mother in a bizarrely Freudian twist for a family film, I’d ask you to reconsider.
CEB: I can totally go on a special mission, that sounds like fun!
I haven't had much to do here except move people around.
and I will definitely try to make sure we all get born, especially since I was there.
what do you need?
CTT: (Rose) After the Ring of Life failed to revive Calliope, I did some research.
You helped, remember?
CEB: oh, yeah, did you figure something out?
CTT: (Rose) Maybe... I have some ideas.
Nothing solid yet, but we're running out of time.
Normally I wouldn't want to send you into a situation when I don't know all the details, but
CURRENT Gallows Calibrator [CGC] responded to memo.
CGC: but we are confident you can handle it!
it’s not like we can keep you on a wiggler-leash forever.
we shall cut you free and let you make your own decisions.
CTT: (Rose) With as much guidance as we can provide.
CGC: calm your rumble spheres rose.
He is a man now and doesn’t need us fussing over him!
(prove me right on this mission so I seem like the rational one.)
(no pressure!)
CEB: okay... what DO you guys know?
CTT: (Rose) Cherubs traditionally go through a process called predomination, where one personality overcomes and absorbs the other.
Our foe skipped a few steps.
Because of this, his female counterpart doesn't seem to be fully dead.
Instead, if Roxy's guess is right, she's trapped asleep.
CGG: (Jade) like sleeping beauty!
CTT: (Rose) I guess, but even if that is the case, a kiss won't be enough to wake her up.
The dominance he established over their shared body will have to be broken to allow her to regain control.
Apparently, he's been using some kind of device present on Earth that can help with this.
CEB: the thing he types stuff into?
I got caught on the wrong side of that once.
he was using it to tell a really awful story about all of us.
that alone is enough of a reason for us to try to defeat him.
CGC: you will need more than that.
As part of their many arcane and arbitrary juju enchantments cherubs can also be influenced by their names.
Like the old wiggler tale candle jack.
They say if you even type his name he will be summoned,
And then stuff you in a sack and kidnap you.
After helpfully sending your incomplete message of course.
Alternian internet lore aside you’ll need both names to succeed.
CTG: (Roxy) oh oh oh!
callie told me hers!
actually I’m supposed to be careful about saying it out loud or even typing it sometimes?
especially if her bro is closing in.
I’ll write it down for you.
CGG: (Jade) she told me her brother’s name too!
apparently it’s a big secret, but she whispered it to me right before I woke up.
I hope I can spell it right...
CTT: (Rose) Great.
The last issue is secrecy.
The Lord of Time is hard to get a jump on, given that his theoretical dominion extends to literally all of motherfucking time.
We could use a way to hide your approach.
FUTURE Turntech Godhead [FTG] responded to memo.
FTG: as much as we can anyway
CEB: oh, is this what you were checking up on me for?
FTG: (Dave sprite) yup.
forget personal planning devices I’ve got your appointments on lockdown.
you’re overdue for a trip to the dentist.
dunno how to make you disappear though.
CTG: (Roxy) that’s my job.
CTT: (Rose) Really?
CTG: (Roxy) yeah really.
hiding people?
sounds p voidy.
swathed in clouds and secrets and shiz.
plus some stuff nix told me is starting to make more sense.
I’m supposed to do this.
CGC: Sounds good to me.
CTT: (Rose) John, do you know how to get there?
CEB: sure!
at least, I know how to get to HIM.
if I think about him and earth, I should end up somewhere nearby.
CTT: (Rose) Somewhere?
CEB: my powers are sort of hard to explain... I just use them.
but I’ll get there, I promise!
CTG: (Dave) hang on.
I’m coming too.
CEB: awesome!!!
that'll be so much fun, two best bros on an adventure to save the world.
it's movie material already.
CTG: (Dave) don’t make this corny.
you and jades grandpa could fill a fuckin farmers market.
CGG: (Jade) I think the way he talks is cute. (sticks out tongue).
CTG: (Dave) anyway if this guys around you might need backup.
I’ve done quest support before I can do it again.
CGG: (Jade) that didn’t end well...
CTG: (Dave) john, I promise you won’t have to make out with my corpse.
CEB: in that case, I don't see why you shouldn't come!
CTG: (Dave) hmm what.
Nothing! (smirking face).
CTG: (Dave) bullshit.
that hmm meant something.
are you trying to unravel my secret motives?
john needs someone to have his back.
lick the inside of my skull if you want but that’s the reason why.
CGC: your statements have been added to the record.
The defense will draw her own conclusions.
CTG: (Dave) are you going to say I shouldn’t go.
CGC: I will not be making such a decision for anyone anymore.
stay or go.
it’s your choice!
all I can do is advise.
besides it’s not like I have to lick your skull to know what you’re thinking.
so many of you are so transparent in your motivations its hardly fun at all.
the only people you occasionally fool are yourselves.
make sure you’re being honest with yourself.
CTG: (Dave) guard duty.
that’s ALL.
besides I’m supposed to fuck English up in some prophetically ambiguous way.
this sounds like it might count.
CTT: (Rose) You're attempting to direct the course of a prophecy?
Through my diligent perusal of fictional accounts, I can say that rarely ends well.
Prophecies find their way to the proper place and time like narrative-based heat seeking missiles.
Anyone who tries to intercept them ends up as a grease spot on the pages of predictable storytelling.
Have you checked yourself for birthmarks?
Apparently they can be quite instructive in this regard.
CTG: (Dave) yeah I have a birthmark right here its manifesting before my eyes.
it spells out I d g a f.
CTT: (Rose) Uncanny!
It's not every day you hear about a birthmark acquired after you were born.
CTG: (Dave) maybe the prophecy’s full of shit I don’t know.
I don’t care either this is just something it feels like I should do.
whether or not it’s what the empress had in mind when she tried to recruit me to her suicide squad.
CTT: (Rose) If Terezi thinks you should choose, I won't argue.
But both of you, be careful.
CEB: ok.
wait and see, Dave, this will be fun!

CEB closed memo.